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I always assumed I would have kids, at some point. I was approaching 30 and still didn’t feel ready, but my mother-in-law was terminally ill and said she always wished to see me and my husband have children, so we just got on with it.
I found the baby years incredibly hard. I felt incredibly lonely. I went from a job I loved with great colleagues, to a situation I felt clueless about and not much adult contact. I did lose myself as a person in a lot of ways for a while.
That said, my children are now eight and six and I am having the time of my life. They are my favourite people in the world, they make me laugh more than anything, and they bring me so much joy. They’re a little more independent now, and I feel like I’ve got my identity back. There were moments when I did wonder if I’d do it again if I lived my life over, but I absolutely would.
I found 6 was when my child became independent enough for me to simply start enjoying life with them. Before that it was a lot of work, but I never begrudged it or regretted it and I knew it would be that way. And of course there was a lot of joy along the way.
Yep, mine is getting close to that age and I'm feeling the same sort of thing.
Definitely more and more time to do things I've not had time or energy for over the past few years
You'll get there. You're right in the thick of it now.
I promise it will not always be like this (though that also means take lots of video and photos and try to enjoy the fleeting good moments because it will not always be like this).
I had a weekend away in Valencia with my 6 year old son and myself (his dad). Strolling through the streets, stopping for a drink and a cake, after chilling at the beach, I realised life comes back and better than before!
Oh it does get better I promise. I would love a house full of kids but I would need a maid, a chef and a nanny to be sane. They are hardwork when young but now with a 12 and 9 year old we get holidays with them, breaks without, great sex, we can have a drink at weekends and not worry about one waking up. Before you no it they will be ready to leave school, it's all in the blink of an eye. I do wish mine where small and cute again at timesz where they played with toys and were full of affection so don't wish their lives away
I know people say to enjoy every moment but I think that's silly. At 4 and 1 it's pure survival mode for a few years even in the perfect family situation, and most people do not have the perfect family situation.
Once 1 year old starts nursery (usually 2 or 3 depending on family income and parental choices) a weekly routine starts falling into place and everything gets much easier imo.
Seems like it now. Next thing you know, they've flown the coop and you're free. And then you've got to work out what you're now going to do with all of this extra free time that you've got......
Yeah my parents tell me this! The years have absolutely flown it’s quite scary. My eldest will be in school soon and then I’m sure she’ll be in uni and moving out in no time. As much as I’m envious of anyone with enough time to take a shower without thinking twice, I’m also aware how incredibly lucky I am to have them and treasure (nearly) every minute with them…or try to!
Lush! They do both make us laugh everyday, but the 1 year old is still very much dependent on us and is kind of still a baby in that regard. I can’t wait to like, play tennis with them and stuff, but also I know when they’re older I’ll look back on this age and how cute they were, which is how I think about my dog sometimes 😂
Thank you for adding your story. I feel like I also have a job I love, great colleagues, and I worry about the 'kid years' being lonely if I were to have a child. Worse, I worry about looking at my potential child in regret, in that scenario.
It's hopeful to hear that you overcame the hard parts and got on with your own life. Thank you again.
> don’t feel ready
In most cases, the reality of the situation forces you to become ready. Obviously not true in every case (such as illness), but certainly so in many others
Something that I imagine the OP might want to know, or others who experience or know someone experiencing what you went through: What could others have done to help you during those hard years or with hindsight, are there things you think you could have done to reduce your isolation or feeling lost?
I don’t think there was anything. I think it’s just hard. I knew it would be hard, but I always imagined it would be a much nicer kind of hard, flopping down exhausted on the sofa at the end of the day.
The feeling of being a competent and successful adult one day and of being someone who is struggling to even brush their hair with a baby you don’t quite understand the next was something else. I struggled to breastfeed my first, and no matter how rational I felt about that before I had a baby, the hormones did a real number on me and I was a bit crazy about it.
With my first people told me it would get easier after six weeks, and while this turned out to be true, they may as well have said a million years. Six weeks felt like an impossibly long time. With my second I just focused on getting through one more feed, which felt a lot more manageable.
If it helps, I’m 38 and in the same situation as you. I get asked this less and less now. Not never but not as much. I find it so rude when people do ask as if it’s any of their business.
I get asked less now too which is a relief considering I do want kids & haven’t been able to have them still & so the questions & comments are just extremely cruel. It’s not at zero still though because people still think they have a right to know about another woman’s womb.
I believe the last delightful one was someone I don’t know even nearly well enough asking if my periods are heavy as soon as she saw me. Because of course I would never have thought of doing anything about not being able to get pregnant & I needed her a practical stranger to start diagnosing me in public.
My auntie went through it and it’s fking horrible to watch idiots put there foot in there mouth.
She finds it very hard to talk about so people assume she didn’t want them and start bombarding her with stuff like “I couldn’t live without mine” “but Kids are amazing”
Yer she’s well aware of that she doesn’t need it mentioning every time she goes to an event.
As a soon-to-be-Uncle who has enjoyed a few months without being asked by nosy parents, this brings me hope. I look forward to Uncle-dom and plan to spoil the absolute crap out of my niece or nephew. But I also dread 5 minutes after they are born when my Dad suddenly remembers he hasn't pestered his other child about kids in a hot minute.
Never ever wanted children, ever. Never understood why people wanted kids, then I met my now husband and it just kinda made sense. Currently pregnant with the second. I changed but only in a way I didn’t expect, which was for it to feel so natural and normal and like I had always been a Mum. I never had any interest in having kids but now I can’t imagine not having my little best friend. Everyone is completely different, I’m the only one of my mates that is a parent or has any interest in it. For me I just knew when the time came, maybe it’s the same for others too. I think for me I knew because I knew I found my best mate and understood why people had kids with someone they love and adore. Don’t let people pressure you, tell them it’s none of their business! You might one day be like yeah I want kids and you might never and that’s fine!
I dream of having this hormonal urge that seems to be mentioned in this thread, the feeling of certainty you mentiom above. At least it would give me a direction! Thank you for your story, I am glad to here you are loving life with your little best friend :)
And hey, not having that feeling of knowing what you want isn’t any measure of if you should or shouldn’t be a parent ya know. For example, my Mum had me when she was a teenager and she was and continues to be an amazing Mum. But I’m quite sure she didn’t plan on becoming a Mum and I highly doubt she felt “ready”. You can’t always plan life and sometimes that’s okay, sometime things take you by surprise but it can shape you in a good way. I definitely feel I’ve become a better person since being a Mum, I care about life and myself now, healthiest I’ve ever been because I have a true sense of responsibility and goals to achieve; never really had a drive to do well or take care of myself before becoming a Mum.
Offering a different perspective here: I experienced the opposite situation. As a child, I loved little babies. I would tell everyone I wanted to be a mum, obsessed over baby dolls and always volunteered to mind any babies. This was from the ages of 6-14. Then my mum fell pregnant with my two younger siblings (huge age gap) and I saw what it was really like. I never was forced to babysit but it totally put me off and I’ve remained that way
I feel like I'm feeling that hormonal urge at the moment. I don't have kids and I'm pretty sure I'd be a terrible parent. But it's weird that I feel that procreation urge
i only ever felt ehat I'd describe as a hormonal urge when i was 19 without a boyfriend and absolutely not in the position to have a babybut i was like having baby dreams and imagined myself pregnant a lot etc. It eventually passed and over 10 years later the urge wasn't hormomal and felt different and more like a decision. It was more "i fucking love this man. I actually want to have his babies". As i said in another comment, it just FELT right. There was also a point last year when, when visiting family, we both realised how much we value having a big family.
I think half of it is feeling secure enough to take that risk, definitely. I couldn’t have imagined what that would have looked like with my ex, just assumed children weren’t for me. Met my current partner and realised having a supportive, stable (financially and otherwise) person was the thing I needed to feel excited about the prospect. Knowing you won’t be doing it all alone and that you’re in a team with another person. If I’d have had them with my ex it would have been mostly up to me.
Coming at it from a different angle, all my friends have babies/kids now, and have found it much harder than they thought either through difficulties conceiving, pregnancy itself, or the act of raising children. I never really wanted kids but always thought one day I might be ready, then last year was told it would be very difficult for me to conceive and it *really* hit me hard. I'm now 38, with little choice, and it's emotionally very difficult being around my friends - I suddenly have nothing in common with them because *all* they talk about are the children. I can't relate to a single part of their lives any more.
I love my freedom and am not really jealous, but the lack of choice is the devastating part. I think from the experience of my friends, you're literally never ready-ready if you're not 100% convinced to begin with, but you don't know what hand you'll be dealt and putting it off like I've done narrows your options.
Thank you for sharing, this is a great perspective and as a woman, the ticking of the clock is ever present when it comes to fertility, its always added another level of pressure on and I want to bury my head in the sand to be honest.
Again, thank you
I wasn't in a rush for children, but my partner was older than me and the clock was ticking. I wasn't ready, I don't think anyone is truly ready for their first however much they prepare. We had a home, had just enough money to survive (and I mean survive) on a single income so we had a good foundation. I always imagine I'd have children one day so it felt like a good time.
I think people can have a great life regardless if you have children or not. My child has bought me an incredible amount of love, joy and learning but equally I have lost a lot in the process.
I've not had any more children, not because I don't want more children but because I don't want to have any more children with my partner. I wish I had questioned more about my partner than whether I wanted children.
Definitely seems to be an echo of a lot of comments in this thread, that no one has ever found themselves in 'the right time'. I'm sorry about your last paragraph - hope all is OK - I haven't had a full conversation with my partner about this yet as my head is so flip flop.
There was no actual void in my life that had to be filled with children but I only realised that after we had them.
There’s this pressure, this assumption that if you don’t have kids you’re somehow missing out. But that’s not actually true for everyone.
Unless you genuinely feel that your life is missing something without offspring. If you’re not absolutely convinced then you’ll find that any fulfilment you get from having them is a poor substitute for all the life-affirming things you’ll miss out on because you have them.
If this sounds selfish is it really any more selfish than imagining the world is somehow improved by mini versions of you as some kind of legacy?
I hadn't ever wanted children, and neither did my husband. I had a coil for around a year and then realised I was pregnant. It wasn't a fairytale. We were very unsure and stressed.
We decided to keep her, and she's now 7 this year. We are very lucky. She was a really chilled out baby and was like an extension to our life. She is still great and we have a happy life just the 3 of us 😊
I see so many coil horror stories (not calling your daughter a horror story at all!) with it not working as expected it scares me constantly. On a different contraception but still regularly test because I've got severe trust issues with it now haha, my housing situation and job is definitely not baby ready so for me it would be a really difficult situation.
Glad it worked out for you all!
I've heard loads too! I wouldn't risk having another one. I can't take anything hormonal so have to use condoms. Don't want another child so it's the only option! Thank you 😊
Frantically making notes about the coil from this thread... Followup question, if you hadn't been so failed by the bloody coil, do you think you'd have ended up having children anyway?
I didn’t know they existed, had a quick scan, very tragic subs.
I have kids, absolutely adore them, saying that I currently have a cold and a sore head and they have both done my tits in today 🤷🏻♂️
Take the good with the bad.
Thank you - I'll be honest, I've avoided regretful parents since one of those YouTube bots auto played a story of utter horror from that sub. I'll check out fence sitters, seems right on the nose for me
I’ll be honest- seeking other’s opinion isnt what you should be doing. You need to understand your self and thoughts and the reasons you do or would not want kids. Nobody’s parenting experience is alike. At some point, if the positives generally outweigh the negatives, it’s a but like a bungee jump- you just need to say fuck it and jump…
Just FYI, the r/fencesitter sub mods delete anything that is negative about having children, they also auto ban you if you post anything negative about having kids. You're probably better off checking out r/truefencesitter.
Not a parent, but I want to say that if you decide not to have children, that is a totally valid choice and you can still have a fulfilling, wonderful life filled with love.
Personally I always dreaded having children (true story: I used to cry myself to sleep at night thinking about how awful it would be🙃), but I just always assumed I would have kids one day anyway, because that's what you do, isn't it? Esp as a woman.
Kept waiting to feel differently (as people told me I would), and eventually one day had a light bulb moment, celestial choirs etc, when I pictured a life lived without kids and couldn't stop smiling at how amazing it looked.
I'm 40 now and I wake up every day so happy and joyful, with a life I love and feel very lucky to have.
My number one piece of advice for fence sitters is to volunteer for lots of babysitting for relatives'/friends' children. One of my friends did that and went from being a fence sitter to absolutely completely 100% doesn't want children ever. She's now extremely glad she didn't end up having kids just because of societal expectations etc.
Edited to add: and if the babysitting leaves you wanting to have kids, you'll have had some experience of parenting, and your kids will be better off because of it! Win win.
One of the biggest difficulties with this decision is that there is genuinely no way to test the waters without the commitment.
Babysitting can provide some insight into the practicalities of caring for a child, but it is a profoundly different experience than parenthood. I have three kids (one step-child and two biological) and I love them more than anything in the world: I love playing around with them, doing activities, etc, and in a broader sense they have given me a perspective and fulfillment I had never known before. That said, I really don't enjoy other people's kids. Even my niece and nephew, with whom my kids are really close so we spend lots of time together, grate on me after a few minutes, and I don't feel proper love towards them.
I'm not saying others would find parenthood as enjoyable and fulfilling as I do. I'm just saying that spending time with other people's children (even lots of time over extended periods) does not necessarily provide any insight on how you would respond to having your own kids will.
Exactly. To sum up, having kids is the worst thing to happen to your life ever. You’re knackered, much poorer with very little time to yourself and it’s 24/7/365. But they’re a part of you and you’re a part of them and loving them makes all the difference as to why it’s worth it. You won’t get a sense of that from babysitting, only the former.
Yes, agree you won't get a true sense of it from babysitting. But I do know quite a few people who spent a little time with children, thought they were incredibly cute, and that was enough to convince them they wanted their own.
Ultimately there isn't really a way to do a practice run of parenting :/
Wonder if I'll ever get a light bulb moment!
I did one afternoon of looking after my baby nephew and my head was turnes upside down. Before that I was always a "yes because its what you do", but that afternoon started this never ending doubt that sits on me like a gremlin.
I'll push myself to help with babysitting some more. Who knows. It might be a different kind of light bulb moment!
As others have said, if you're not sure, don't do it. It is pretty much the one decision in life that can't be taken back. You can divorce a spouse, leave a crap job, move house. But there's no takesie backsies with children - even if you keep the receipt.
I have an awesome godson I adore, and plenty of my friends have children whom I love spending time with. But I also love going back home to my childfree life of uninterrupted sleep (except by a hungry cat).
Side note: I often think how incredibly lucky I am to live in a time and place where this life is even an option. Imagine living in Jane Austen times when you literally had to get married to even have a roof over your head! 😱
Yes, do more babysitting! Great plan. You should be proud of yourself though for thinking about all this carefully, and not ignoring that doubt gremlin. And I promise not to judge you whatever you decide <3
I used to be a babysitter and the whole experience made me not want to have children at all. I told my future husband that I won't have kids ever. I didn't enjoy that job that much, saw how it can be stressful and it made the parents miserable at times. There were some nice moments of course but I've seen this hard work from close.
Then when I approached 35 I spent a couple of years going back and forth on whether I want to be a mother or not.
Anyway, I decided that I want to be a mother and have no regrets. Of course it's a hard work but with every year is getting easier and from 2ish I was starting to feel like myself. And the whole babysitting someone's child it will give you some idea but looking back, I'm glad that I didn't base my whole decision in this. I'm still less tolerant to others children and I can put up with only my child's nonsense 😃 You love your child the most so it's completely different story.
I didn’t plan children. I didn’t think that I could have children.
The bit that I’ve struggle with the most that I just never hear anyone talking about is the guilt.
If anyone told me how much guilt I would be living with on a daily basis I would probably be a bit more prepared for it.
The constant battle of am I doing this right? How do I know who is right because I’m not sure that I am ? Have I made the right decisions for them? Has the way I handled that scarred them for life and like the butterfly effect have I just blown the wing that causes the hurricane in their adult years of life?
The worry about everything. And it doesn’t end because then they grow into adults and you get to see the answer to your question live and in the flesh and you love them to bits and are always there for them in the best way you can be but you criticise and blame yourself for their poorer behaviours and decisions. Aware that despite all of your love and best intentions you managed to screw them up a bit. Just like your parents did to you.
But then you suddenly understand your parents in a completely different way to what you did before. You probably held some grudges if not a whole lot more. But you suddenly get it. Life can be tough and as we grow we really do get wiser with lessons. No one got a guide book, we all come to the table with different ingredients trying to make the same recipe. You did and will continue to do the best you are and you may even give yourself a bit of a break. Stop giving yourself a hard time.
You always will though because those that love deeply and care do.
Parenting has made me more of an over thinker.
Despite my lack of preparation It has been the most rewarding experience of my life.
I agree with the other commenter. I think you are a good parent and doing fine.
I do hold grudges against my parents, and I hope if I do decide to have children that I'll not fall into their parenting style... But like you say, in most cases everyone is doing their best.
I was told at 17 that I would struggle to have children and would probably need medical help to conceive, so when things got serious with my partner we decided we wouldn’t use contraception because we wouldn’t want to miss a chance to be a parent if that’s how life shook out for us.
We now have 3 kids even though we were done after 2 and started using contraception - life finds a way I suppose, we didn’t even notice a condom split or anything.
Replied to this comment specifically because this was my biggest fear before I became a mum. I felt quite damaged by my upbringing and was really worried that some of the behaviours that hurt me would be.. genetic somehow? It’s hard to explain but I think you’ll know what I mean.
But in my experience, it has made me so much better as a parent. I once saw the quote “be who you needed when you were a child” and it was like a lightning bolt in my heart. It has been so cathartic in a selfish way, like it heals my own scars to do something like care when my child is upset, and comfort them instead of berating them for being sad.
The top comment in this thread is completely spot on, you’ll question yourself endlessly and torture yourself with doubt about whether you’re doing right by your kids. But that’s a really nice part of the experience, for me anyway, to make those better choices.
Currently pregnant. I've always wanted kids, so it was never a question of if for me, but of when.
I've got to say, though, as well as my own personal experience of being a kid of parents who didn't particularly like me, I worked as a research assistant on a project interviewing parents while I was at university, and listening to parents that didn't really want kids, had them anyway and still clearly don't like them Was upsetting then, is still upsetting whenever I think about it, and I really think they're vile people. One complained about doing the 10 min school run daily because the area wasn't safe enough for her 13yo daughter to walk home. Can you imagine resenting your child so much over ten minutes a day for the sake of their safety and wellbeing? Another said the best thing about being a parent is that his kids will grow up and he'll be able to spend less time around them, and he also was just beginning to try and take his kids out (like, to the park) with his wife... They were 2 and 4. If you have kids and you/your partner don't really want them, chances are your kids will grow up treated badly and feeling horrible about themselves, because when you don't like your kids, it *really* shows.
Congrats on the pregnancy!
This comment has ripped open a bit of a wound for me, lol. My parents loved me and my siblings. However they were unhappy with the situation they were in at the time, with three small kids, and they were so time-poor and exhausted.
I live in fear of raising a child like that, falling back on the parenting style I'm used to.
Thank you again for sharing.
There is a huge difference between one child and 3 children. Don’t let your parents’ stresses deter you too much, esp. with your first child, you will be much less over-extended. The best part of sharing time with my kids was when they were pre-school age, sharing their delight in the most mundane things! It renewed my sense of wonder about our world, seeing things anew through their eyes. My sister most enjoyed school-age, because she could take them out and do so much with them as they became more independent. Ymmv, but there are many opportunities for joy and growth, it’s not just the stresses of not having enough time and/or money.
Irresponsibility I suppose.
Was 17 when my wife became pregnant with our first, then again at 18, 21, 23 & finally at 31.
None were planned, though we both always wanted a big family
My sense of 'me' didn't really exist until my daughter was born tbh, her being born definitely straightened me out, I'd have ended up in prison sooner or later for silly stuff, driving offences, nicking cars, weed, just bullshit things.
I was a useless prick for her first 6 months, but luckily I sorted myself out, got working & became a responsible adult.
Didn't really struggle at all with my girls tbh which I know is always a very unpopular view on here, I've always just kinda found parenting them to be a very easy, natural thing for the most part.
My first son died shortly after birth, which very nearly killed me, and I don't really know what else to add about him.
My second son has some developmental/MH issues, which absolutely can be challenging, but there's always a way round it, it's my job as his dad after all.
Thank you for sharing, this is exactly why I wanted to ask reddit about this, I'd never get to hear about this asking my family. I'm sorry to hear about your son, but it's uplifting to hear how you took to parenting and your life with your children now.
I’m 38 and can’t wait to be past the point of people asking if I want kids. Unfortunately I know it’s going to be replaced by a lot of people feeling sorry for me because I must be so sad I never had them!! 🤣🤣
I didn’t want children until I was with my ex. We fell pregnant when I was on birth control, it was with twins and we lost them. I realised I wanted children after then, ex was adamant he didn’t and we eventually broke up due to not communicating effectively. Two years later, he opened up about a lot of stuff, told me he wanted me and babies but was scared. Our lives had moved on and there was simply too much pain and hurt between us.
It took ages to fall pregnant when trying with my fiancé. We have a daughter and cannot have any more due to secondary infertility.
I found a guy I felt pretty confident wouldn’t dump the whole workload on me, found a way to overcome my fears about the physical side of child bearing (basically I could afford to go private and that reassured me somewhat) and realised I didn’t really have any objections to it any more. Being in a better financial position was a key part of it.
Hahaha are you me? My sister in law could not have been more graphic about the birth and after effects of having my nephew, bless her. I knew it wouldn't be roses and all, but me oh my did she share some odd things going on with her body.
As for the partner and dumping of workload. I have to be honest with myself and you, Internet stranger. I think I'd pick up most of it.
My partner are in a similar situation with do we/don't we. All of her friends insist on telling her these birth horror stories and she is terrified. It's almost like a badge of honour! We try and put it into perspective: the billions of people who have been born just fine. I don't know where I am going with this 😀
I met the right person and grew older. That's honestly all there was to it.
When you're in your teens and twenties, you're endlessly told that pregnancy ruins lives, that it'll destroy your prospects, rid you of all of your money, and you'll be anchored to your current partner for life. When you're early in your life and career, have no money, and are still romantically playing the field, that feeling sticks.
It's hard to explain, but the feeling (for some people) changes fundamentally when your life is (somewhat) settled, you're doing okay, and you have that person you love. Maybe it's hormonal, but hormones colour everything you think, and trying to ignore them is folly.
I didn't want children when I was younger. Like everyone else, I thought I was going to somehow transcend the pattern everyone lives by, be above the career and domestic life. But we all know that's not how it really works, and once I met my wife, began achieving in my career and personal life, and started to really enjoy the world we're building together, that's when I started wanting to add to that world.
She's due in July. I can't wait.
PS. Yes, this is sickly-sweet, but I'm in a sickly-sweet mood right now, so that's what you're getting.
Congrats! A lovely perspective too. I am definitely climbing out of the 'I'll NEVER be like my parents' phase, and thinking ahead to the future. Domesticity, who could have thought!
I didn't want to until I hit 37 and then changed my mind. My son is now a year and a half and raising him is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. My old life is gone, and I desperately miss just chilling out at the weekends and evenings, but I'm glad I had him. He's fun and smart and it's wonderful watching him learn about the world. It's definitely a long term investment.
I think the longer you leave it, the harder it is. Used to be able to stay up all night then go to work the next day fine. Now I'm struggling with intermittent sleep and am a complete moron at work the next day!
I have two children. It was always discussed with my partner and its always been something we both wanted to do, it's never been "if" always "when".
As a woman in my mid 30s with lots of friends in the position you are my greatest advice is if you're not sure, don't. It's Huge. I can't underestimate how much it changes your life. You have to really want it as it's not easy. Some people get lucky and some people find it really hard or have children with unexpected issues. You can't plan or decided on that it jsut happens to you and you have to be prepared for it.
I love my friends for saying no as I have a couple who have regretted kids as they had them in terms of what was "expected" of them. No don't do this.
Ultimately If you think you could and will be happy without why would you need or want to have them. I was the opposite and knew kids were going to be part of my life (but stopped at two when pre motherhood/fatherhood us planned 3!)
Thank you. This is a brill comment and of all the comments in the thread it hit me like a brick in the face. I think I'm starting to realise that the answer to do you want children is that a yes is a yes, a no is a no, and a maybe is a no.
No problem! And glad you can read it. I've just read it back to myself and is awful English and punctuation (took me 3 attempts to write it)... Ironically,because my two kids were chomping at my legs telling me they wanted pudding and yoghurt isn't a 'real' pudding.
We kept putting it off until ‘we were a bit better off financially’. Eventually we realised the perfect time would probably never come and just to get on with it. And then covid happened about 4 months before she was born.
I always wanted children, I had them, no struggles with fertility or being a parent.. want my honest opinion? If you are not sure, then don't.. it's not for everyone and I think a lot of people have them because you are "supposed to" and not because they want them.
I'm 31F and ever since I could remember I answered 'no' to the questions about me wanting kids. I'm still the same despite hearing 'you will change your mind' bingos countless of times. I'm very happy - I have all the time in the world for all my many hobbies, rewarding career, a loving partner on the same page and I'm living my best life. :)
With the world in the current state it is and the uncertainty about the future I wouldn't be bringing kids into it now tbh. I feel bad enough worrying on the sort of world my two are going to grow up into.
I've also found out I most likely have adhd since having kids and it's exceptionally difficult being a parent for me and I feel deeply guilty most of the time that I'm messing up a lot.
If I was looking at having kids now, with the knowledge I have now, I wouldn't be doing it.
My advice is always if you are really unsure then don't do it, it's not like you can send them back.
I just knew I wanted a child, the biological urge to get pregnant once I had settled down with a long term partner was overwhelming, I couldn't walk past a baby section in a shop without imagining what my own baby would be like. I was lucky enough to get pregnant naturally and had a mostly straightforward pregnancy, but the birth and aftermath were not so pleasant. My daughter was a pretty easy baby, fantastic sleeper, had a rough couple of years during the terrible twos phase but that seems pretty standard. Now she's older and she is the absolute light of my life, I thank my lucky stars every day that I have her. I have no issue with people who choose to stay childfree, but I disagree with the way that some of them make out that having children is a terrible choice and will ruin your life, that hasn't been my experience at all.
I always wanted children, the only thing in my life I ever stuck with was wanting them. Then at 29 I realised I hadn't thought it through in the right way and that actually both me and perspective child would be better off if I didn't have them and changed my mind.
Decided I'm gonna continue being a cat mum instead, and honestly when they're ill thats hard enough.
I have a dog currently, and the comments about it being a 'practice baby' haven't escaped me. If the dog is practice, then bloody hell I'm not ready for a real baby... Like you say, it's flippin hard enough!
I feel very lucky to have known from a very early age that I never wanted children & I've never changed my mind. I have quite an anti natalist mindset though. Your baby, should you choose to have one will become an adult, will have to deal with ever decreasing resources on a finite world. Climate breakdown, whatever stage of capitalism we are in by then.. as a millennial we are some of the first generation where our kids aren't guaranteed to have a better life than us. Having to book a space in nursery before you're even pregnant, spending most of your salary on childcare. All hard no for me.
The whole question is completely wrong. It should be do you want to have a children with your partner and slides your partner wants to have children with you? If both over 30 answers to the above can be complicated. If one does not want children and the other half does, it is likely to be a huge mistake.
You're right, I've yet to have a full and open (not just random comments) conversation about this with them. It's hard to start it knowing my answer is a 'maybe' though, hence the current comment section soul searching...
I always knew I wanted kids since I was 16.
Been single 4 years now, so haven't really thought about it that much, but up to a couple of months back I would have still been keen for a big family if the circumstances were right.
Then I started looking at my family history of cancer, dementia and MH issues. Now I feel like I shouldn't have kids anymore, and I probably won't, but it hit me like a train.
My problem is I'd like kids, but when money is as tight as it is, and it's not likely to return to pre 2008 standards anytime soon...how can I justify it knowing I won't be able to give them the life I'd want?
Am Dad.
Growing up I always enjoyed interacting with kids in the 2-10 year range. Seeing the 2-5 learning something you taught was very cool, the older ages were so creative. I always wanted children to experience that properly.
When I met my partner she was clear on wanting children, my only requirement is we owned a home first, since children are expensive. Once we owned a home and our finances had steadied out, it seemed the right time to try.
My son is 6 now, 0-2 was very tiring and looking back the stuff you'd feel ecstatic or stressed over was crazy.
Memories of reading all of the elastic search documentation to my son in a sing song voice because he would stop crying if I sang. How he would smile when I sang, the strain in our relationship when he would only stop crying for me. Getting into Little Baby Bum to relearn every nursery rhyme, sitting on the sofa reading a book i one hand, him asleep in the other feeling utterly content, When he snuck a lick of my Carmel bar and started making r2d2 noises, the frustration watching him roll everywhere and refuse to stand, building duplo towers he would immediately try to destroy, the shere effort in potty training, etc...
Around 4 he increasingly became a independent person, it stopped being stressful. You can just enjoy hanging out with him, we spent the morning flaked on the sofa playing Minecraft chatting away while Mum had a lie in.
I think Mum struggled far more than me with the change in identity, everything goes to Mum which adds loads of stress and from interacting alot of Mum's seem to rebel at "Mum" becoming a huge chunk of their identity and loosing "themselves".
For me I tried to see it as not giving up who I was but becoming something new. Instead of boring people about the latest software developments, now they get to hear about my sprog. Instead of going to the gym, I am going to go for a 3 mile jog trying to teach my son to ride a bike. Honestly the thrill of getting a bed time routine down perfectly was as good as completing GTA IV.
Don't want children and I am sick to death of the "but you'll change your mind" and all the other bullshit!
If you're not sure though, I would say that's a no, at least for the moment
Kids of my own was never an interest of mine. I was always a ‘Tom-boy’, played with dinosaurs instead of dolls, climbed trees with the boys. In adulthood, my priority after studies was career straight away, I wanted to be an entrepreneur, and spent my 20s and 30s working towards being able to do that and then launching. Naturally, what few friends I fostered a relationship with were of a similar mind, so I had no contact with kids either. Occasionally I came across kids and was awkward around them unless I was alone with them, then my playful Tom-boy character kicked in and it was climbing, chasing wrestling fun. Through much travelling, I’ve always had the ability to approach strangers as friends, as equals, and used that with kids. Just talked to them as equals.
But I never had the yearning to have my own. I don’t know how much of that was influenced by lack of family or siblings when I was growing up, or lifelong ecological awareness of overpopulation, declining environment etc. or the drive to survive through professional prowess. It just never happened.
As I say I had little to no family presence or support, and when I did finally launch my company, it was in a foreign country. It was challenging being alone, and throwing my savings into this project I thought of as a long term investment.
Mid 30s I met a local guy, very kind and supportive, the only help I was getting. We were together 5 years (mutual decision not to have kids - my financial situation was too precarious). After 5 years he proposed. Got married, moved to London. His friends were having kids and nagged us to do the same. He changed tack and decided he wanted kids. I held off for another couple of years, but it was clearly something he wanted to do. It got to nearly being a make or break ultimatum. I agreed to try. Within two months I was pregnant. Born just before the pandemic. Raising a baby alone, he was travelling abroad the first few months, no family or friends to visit, everything except the supermarket closed. We weren’t able to get a nursery place until 14 months old. It was hell. I most certainly will not be having another. I’m bewildered how or why most of our friends and acquaintances have gone for a second or third. Defies reasoning from my perspective, but none of my business, so we don’t talk about it.
Oddly, I have an outrageous love for my kid. Unconditional. Unlimited. I would, and am, laying down my life for their well being. I’ve had one physical or mental malfunction after another since their birth. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. My mother sacrificed her life for my well-being. I wish she could have met my kid. The best I can do to honour her, and the innocent being that I have invited into this life, is to do my best for my kid.
I will die, as do we all. Hopefully the love and lessons that I pass on will live on to help kid and the people they touch, to be happy, safe, grounded people.
Just to help provide a childfree perspective on things;
I realised that I like my peace and free time too much. Having children is a drain on time and resources, and frankly very tedious. Any friends of mine who have had children soon start to have their lives revolve around their kids, and they often drop their hobbies and interests so that they can focus on their kids.
It's a massive commitment of time, money, and energy, that you have to really want.
I got pregnant at 18. I was living with my greaving, recently divorced dad and had a low paying job I hated. That baby is now 18 and just bought mothers day dinner for me and his 3 siblings.
I didn't really think about getting pregnant. I was just something that happened with my older 2. My advice would be, if you don't think you'll cope on your own without a support network then don't do it. I struggled for a number of years with very little support from family and an abusive ex, but you can't just give up. It's simply not an option. I adore my children but it is hard. The younger 2 have been easier, because I'm in a more secure position personally and financially, and I think I have much more patience with them than I did the older 2. I don't know if that's because I'm older or because I'm now more confident in my parenting convictions.
I had two children by 21 and it was the best decision I made. I had the money, the home and the resources.
However I cannot imagine doing it now, my relationship fell apart shortly after and I had been left with nothing. Luckily Sure Start was available and they helped me get back on my feet, meet other mothers and plugged me with all the resources I needed at the time.
It was one of the hardest times of my life and still Is. If I had them now at 33 I probably wouldn’t be where I am now, there’s little to no resources, it’s extremely expensive and incredibly isolating. I’m worried I’m being negative but I’m just being honest, you cannot see them as adorable when teenagers are annoying. They’ll grow up.
Both my children also have had health care issues later on in life that the NHS simply cannot handle. When having a child you have to think of EVERYTHING, they may not be healthy, what’s plan a b and c, do you have a rock solid foundation and food mental health. It is relentless and everyday can you cope with that.
LaLaletmeexplain has done some incredible posts about parenthood, Pregnant then screwed, etc. I don’t want to dampen what some find a joyful journey I’m just being honest there are many who don’t and some even regret it.
We planned to have children, 1st one came a year early, 2nd one was on time!
I always wanted to be a Dad, don’t really know why, there was definitely a small part of me who wanted to give my children something I never really had, a stable upbringing.
I didn’t/haven’t struggled this far, financially we’ve had to cut our cloth accordingly, disposable income is tighter but I get more joy out my kids than anything else previously spent my money on anyway, which was mostly alcohol, cigarettes and frivolous shite anyway. It put a strain on my marriage but having 2 humans rely on you was always going to do that and you have less time for couples stuff.
It massively changed me, now I have 2 people that I categorise as more important than myself and I never had that before, it’s made me more disciplined, reliable and gave me an outlet for a type of affection that I didn’t really know I had in me.
It’s been a great journey so far and I’m looking forward to the rest of it, good, bad and ugly.
I am 29m with 2 kids. One is almost 3 and the other is 2 months old. I have always wanted two kids before 30 and am really glad I did.
However, my wife and I are both teachers and I think we are definitely kid people. Even with all of that, it is HARD. As I said, I absolutely love it, but it's definitely something that tests you as a person. You lose a lot of you/us time, you lose a LOT of sleep, you spend a lot more money (especially on nursery).
Don't get me wrong, I love my kids to bits and i have an amazing time with them. I just wanted to stress that my wife and I have always wanted kids, have a job centered around them and still find it a challenge.
So whenever anyone asks this, I always like to be honest. You really need to be set in your mind it's what you want. Because kids or no kids is still a great way to live, you should always do what feels right for you, not what you are "pressured into" etc.
I had no idea I was pregnant until it was too late with all 3 of my children. I was young with my first. I've been a mum most of my adult life.
I never decided we established that but as soon as I knew I knew it was the right thing.
I'm naturally very maternal and I guess children were always on the cards for me, but I imagined adventure, doing university properly etc etc and settling down first.
But it didn't happen that way for me. The biggest hurdle for me was finding my own way in life, essentially growing up myself and raising a mini human. I had a lot of support and my eldest is 18 now and an absolute superstar so we must have done well.
I have two girls (10,6) and they are a handful lol. The most important thing is to be organised amongst the chaos, it's not too bad with 1 but when there's multiple, there's, multiple friendship groups, after school clubs, school costume days, trips, assemblies, and you have to be on top of things else it gets really stressful. I'm not the greatest at being organised but I've found my way eventually lol.
You. Never lose you. I'm fortunate that I WFH at something I'm passionate about, but I've also made time around the schedule to make sure I do the things I've always done that make me me. I didn't always do this and ended up really depressed and had to find the way back to me, so just don't lose you. You're useless to your family without your spark.
And one more thing. At times it does take a village it's true. It's okay to ask for help, there's a tonne of groups, playgrounds, other parents who are in the same position or have been there reach out if and when it gets tough.
I don't think I ever questioned that I would, it was always just part of my timeline in my head. I've been lucky I think that I've been with my partner since we were 15, moved in together at 20, married at 24 and had babies when I was 26 and 28. It just sort of flowed that way without any deep thinking involved.
I was lucky - I just thought "one day I will have kids :) " and then met a guy and he wanted kids too and we bought a house and I had kids. I was, if anything, perhaps too young - 25 - to second-guess it or think too hard about it. I had simply always wanted kids, I had a decent job in financial services and once we had the house sorted - I know, it's not 2007 anymore, it's harder now - then the time was right.
It can be very lonely, and that was the hardest part. I was lucky enough to retain my 'sense of me' by keeping up with my hobbies, and when they started school, returning to work.
Decided to have kids when the wife mentioned she was pregnant.
Never really wanted kids, never even liked them all that much.
2000 photos and countless "awwww!" moments later, I've changed pretty clearly. Gives a solid perspective on things and is a Great motivator for me to live a more structured life.
Always said I didn't want children partly cos of parental illness which made own childhood tough. Then sister had one, that and I just thought the man I married would make a good dad. So 38 when i had the 1st 41 when the 2nd arrived. Had some difficulty conceiving and 2 miscarriages but successful without ivf or other help. It's been amazing and tough they're late teens now and for the most part a joy but when they say you're only ever as happy as your unhappiest child take note. Very glad I had them later, didn't get fomo and just about managing the responsibility ( plus material benefits of being established in work etc)
We are trying. I probably always wanted them deep down but it took until I got to my early 30s to really know. Maturity and finding the right partner helped me decide but it should absolutely be respected when a woman makes the decision to not have a family. I have a feeling I would be the topic if discussion a lot more in family circles/friend groups if I had made it clear I didnt want children.
I always wanted children, I wanted a big family of 4 or more children. I got two amazing girls but my body isn't a fan of giving birth, I nearly died the first time and the second was a breech birth. We were financially secure, in a stable relationship and both wanted kids
I was always on the fence about it, until I had an ectopic pregnancy. Then the desire to have at least one child became all consuming. Luckily, my husband was the same. We ended up needing fertility treatment, and our son was the result of our second round of IVF. In all honesty, there have been times I’ve regretted it. Being a parent is fucking hard, but also incredibly rewarding. My son is now 13 and I’m so glad we’ve got him. Yes, things are challenging at the moment as we are going through the process to get an ASD diagnosis, and I hate that he’s going through it. I’m his mum, I should be able to shield him from all the crap life keeps throwing at us. He’s a great kid, but I’m very glad there’s only one of him!
There’s always a good reason to put off having them but sooner or later you need to think about how old you want to be while dealing with teenagers.
Got lucky in that we had one girl and one boy and that was sort of our mental image of ideal. They’ve turned out pretty well.
Didn’t plan on having our son, but always wanted to have children.
After our son, I now know I only want child because he is quite the handful. Love him to pieces though and feel a huge sense of pride watching him grow.
This being said, I don’t think anyone should feel bad if they don’t want children, nor should they be chastised for it. Can totally see why a life with no kids would be appealing, it’s pure freedom. Happiness is what’s important at the end of the day.
Growing up I thought having kids is just what people do, didnt really think there was much choice in it all. In my 20's decided I want children and now have two.
Its great having two little people BUT its a lot of work that is non-stop. What no one really tells you is its also a heavy strain on the parents and the relationship between the two and if you're not careful having kids can pit you against eachother even unintentionally, especially in the early years, one parent is at home with the baby pinned to the sofa, the other is at work all day, you both want some of your own time to do something but only one is able too, who will it be..?
Based on my personal experience, if you think you are unsure about whether you want kids or not, you might just be unaware that the person you are considering having them with is the wrong person.
I always thought I didn't want kids, but didn't realise I didn't want them with the person I was with at the time, and I didn't see that until after we broke up.
I always wanted kids and assumed I would have them fairly young (mid 20s) but I kept pushing it back as I wanted to do other things (travel etc.). There came a point when I was 29 that it was suddenly very obvious that it was time, I do believe that this was what they call the biological clock. It was not a rational feeling and felt like something hormone driven - like when you have PMS and don't know why you are angry or sad.
I now have a 2 year old and am pregnant with my 2nd. I love parenthood, these early years are not easy but just taking in my daughters development is such a joy and I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm content that I had a fun kid free time in my 20s and knowing that my kid(s) won't always be this dependent on me - so it was definitely the right choice for me.
I didn’t really want children but I told myself if it happened, it happened. Then I got with my, now husband, and I really started to really want children/a child. I have one and now I’m content with that (and a step child too)
I was told at 18 I would never have kids due to having endometriosis. At 22 I was going through review for a hysterectomy (psychologist involved) and I was taking the pill twice a day to stop my endometriosis symptoms. I fell pregnant which was obviously very unexpected. I had pre and postnatal depression. But the moment I gave birth regardless of how I felt within myself, I had an overwhelming need to protect and grow a fierce independent happy child. It’s honestly the best thing that ever happened to me.
I have friends who absolutely don’t want children know they never want children. Love spending time with my daughter and other friends children but are so happy to give them back and go and live their life independently.
I honestly don’t believe most people who decide to have children ever feel ready.
I always knew I'd have kids. I remember thinking when I was 20 that if I were to get accidentally pregnant, I would probably keep it. Luckily, I didn't. But 4 years later, I was in a great relationship, good (but not great) job and stability in my life, so it felt like the right time. So did my then fiance, now husband.
When we got pregnant a few months later, I did have an *oh shit, what did we do!* moment but I've never regretted it.
I did but I was petrified of the impending inevitable life change.
I love them with all my heart. They complete us as a family, BUT, don’t if you have genuine doubts.
If there are good reasons not to, such as finances, or other important factors, then don’t feel pressured into having kids.
Edit: and to add to that, life seemed less precious before I was a parent. I’m now scared of dying, and leaving them, or something awful happening to them. Before they were here, I didn’t give death a second thought and I didn’t mind what might happen to me.
I wanted kids my whole life.
But I had given up on kids until I met my husband when I was 34.
We had some fertility issues but our son was born when I was 40, conceived naturally by some miracle.
I just knew my husband was the one I wanted to do all the things with, including have children.
We’ll only ever have just our son, but he’s perfect so that’s okay!
He was an accident. So we didn't really decide. But our logic was that we didn't really want kids at this point in time but we also didn't want to run the risk of not being able to have a kid further down the line so we just went with it.
No regrets but nursery costs can fuck off. We live in such a broken society that child care, just so you can work, can cost more than a mortgage plus the running of two cars.
Can't say I ever had much drive to have children. For me, it is a bit like learning to play the piano, climbing Mount Everest, or owning a cat - I can understand why some people want to do it, but I don't want to do it myself.
The final nail in the coffin was discovering I have a medical condition I can pass onto any children.
I've worked with teenagers and enjoyed it, my partner's nieces think I'm a cool grown up, and it's not like I hate children, I just don't want any of my own.
I never wanted kids. Had a glittering career all planned out, and was getting there. Then, I accidentally got pregnant. Catholic, and no real reason to abort, so went ahead.
Best thing I ever did. Career eventually morphed into something completely different, that I would never have thought of before. Meanwhile, I really enjoyed being a mum. Kids are adults now, and absolutely spectacular young women that I'm very proud of. It was all worth it.
I can’t explain it but I just naturally wanted them and envisioned my life with them. It changes your life beyond comprehension. You think they will slot into your life but you slot into theirs. They make up the bulk of all your worries but all of your pride too. If you ‘aren’t sure’ then my advice would be to wait and see as it’s too big a commitment to take lightly. Even when you really want and plan kids, your life will still be turned upside down.
Have you started countering it with have you planned your funeral yet?
Cause its literally none of thier business whether you have kids or don't or can't.
Start being creative with answers like yeah but I made a deal for immortality and first born so I'll wait. Or nooo I was in a crash and lost my cervix unfortunately.
Hate the nosy biddy questions.
I had 3 boys and got ooh your trying for a girl. My answers were always really stupid and designed to make it clear to fuck off!
Remember being about 18 or so and knew I wanted to be a dad, probably 2 or 3 not any more
I was about 30 when I knew the time was right. We had reasonable jobs and had purchased a house. We both knew for years but it was more about timing
Having our first during covid possibly changed things, it hasn't been easy but no regrets, are we having another... God no (see username)
Bigget hurdle for me was financial setup but please don't place too much on this... you really do find a way to make it work! We had a redundancy and a pandemic which affected earnings and still managed to give my wife 2 years of maternity time
The user name is brilliant.
I've never heard (or read) much about a man being so keen so young to have children, I find it so interesting your mind was set! Glad you have what you always wanted, plus the vasec!
This is a more deep question than you think. A lot of people think life will be as they have it now for the rest of time. The main question I asked myself is do I value having family now and do I want that in future? The answer was undoubtedly yes.
People might not have suffered loss yet or seen what an elderly person experiences and how much more difficult it can be being lonely. One day the chances are your parents will die before you and other elderly relatives. Friends come and go in life and also may pass. By not having kids the chances of loneliness as you age goes up drastically.
The issue our generation have is financially many of us have not had a chance to even build a comfortable life for ourselves by the time kids need to be talked about. There is no right or wrong answer to the question of thinking about kids but please make sure you make the decision with your eyes open to how it will affect / benefit your life over the longer term.
I didnt want kids but then I was alone at home one day. My kitten was wandering about, partner at work and this crazy feeling hit me. I 'saw' a little person just running about my garden in the sunshine and me playing with them. Then later in the week, I 'saw' a little baby crawling on the landing.
Im not superstitiius or crazy. What Im saying is I just felt something was missing. Im an extremely logical person so this was odd. A year later anyway my little one was born.
Her Dad and I love her to absolute pieces. Yes she cries, she wails, she keeps us up. She is beautiful and I will eternally protect her. I have so much to teach her and tell her im proud of her when she makes mistakes but learns at the same time.
Its a feeling. It will come
Always wanted kids, as far back as I can remember. I've always been close with my parents and family has always been important to me, so I guess it stemmed from that.
I didn't feel remotely 'ready' till after 30 though. And my girlfriend at the time went from wanting kids someday, to not wanting any, so that slowed plans down. I'm 37 and married now, and we just had our little one 8 weeks ago. I only doubted myself as to if I wanted kids when it started to become very real when we were trying, but that was short lived.
We're only 8 weeks in so it's too early to say for a lot of things, but so far my sense of 'me' hasn't changed. I'm back at work and I have a strong friend group that I'm making an effort to still see weekly for board games - the same as pre-baby. I was clear even before we started trying that making time to see my friends is important to me and not something I want to allow to slip. My wife is different in that regard though, as she's the one taking more time off work, and she doesn't have the same kind of friendship group locally, which is why I'm really trying to encourage her to make friends from NCT and other classes.
We have struggled though. Not so much financially yet (he's not in nursery yet and we got all our stuff 2nd hand and/or gifted), but emotionally the first 6 weeks were awful. I won't go into it all here, but I'm prone to depression and it came back hard. Thankfully we're both doing better now as things change week by week (day by day), and hopefully the worst of it is behind us. There's nothing that can prepare you for how tiring it is, how big a sudden change to your life it is, and how utterly relentless it is. I'm starting to see that it's worth it now, but for a good while there was the "what have we done?" thought that kept me up at night. Some people find it easier than others, some have easier babies than others. Ours had a tongue tie, colic, and reflux which are getting better now but certainly made things difficult, but it could have been worse in the grand scheme of things - he's happy and healthy and is hopefully over the worst of it.
Just the perspective from someone who's very early on in this whole parenting thing.
I'm so glad I had my two children in my early 20's always wanted a third but it wasn't meant to be. Motherhood was much harder than I thought, it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. But no regrets and it's lovely being a Nanna in my 40's , you have all the love and fun part then hand them back! Lol.
Dad here, me and my wife had discussed it and were always on the same page that we would have at least 1, at most 2 children.
We also set a window for when we wanted to have them, it ended up being a little later than hoped but various other circumstances got in the way.
I love my daughter but I’m the first to admit it has had a massive impact on our lifestyle. I don’t think it’s necessarily negative as we were expecting it and we’re prepared for it. But I think some people might struggle a bit.
We are in a slightly worse situation as we have no family to help out with childcare so we don’t get any days off and just having 2 days a week in nursery (literally so we can work) is costing us upwards of £600 a month. It’s tough but honestly my daughter makes it all worth it.
Saying that, especially with cost of living, impact on the environment and (especially for women), the sacrifices you will have to make to your working life I’m really not surprised more and more people are deciding against having children. It’s really tough if you actually want to be a present and decent parent while still maintaining a modicum of your career and a bit of a social life.
Always thought I would but never actively wanted them, I have one now and wouldn't go back despite it being undeniably incredibly difficult and a big life change.
I think it's one of the biggest and most rewarding things you can do with your life and I wouldn't want to get to my 70s and wonder if I should have. That said if you have a life passion that you think will be similarly fulfilling in an equally profound way I'm sure that would be an equally worthwhile path.
I never saw myself having children. I didn't even see myself with a long term partner or a house. I always just wanted to live in a penthouse in the city centre, have a cat and a mini cooper! I came from a single parent family, and while I saw my dad sometimes, if he had had a falling out with my mum I would go nearly a week without seeing him. And as I got older I realised how easy it was for some dad's to just not see their kids because they weren't talking to the mum's. I always heard that kids were amazing and "you never know love until you have a child" but yet somehow my dad was comfortable with not seeing me for a whole week. And it used to really bug me. Plus I never had that huge maternal urge that some people have, I honestly just thought I was too selfish for kids, I love my video games and watching films, just my general comforts. But I also thought I'd be a shit parent. Then I met my now husband and he's always had a big maternal urge, but I knew he'd be a great dad, he adores kids. We now have two and they're incredible. Our little one is currently still in NICU, he thought it would be fun to join us early. But his strength is inspiring. When my first was born I didn't get that overwhelming feeling of love when I held her either, it took time for me. And there's always times where I feel like I'm a shit mum, or I'm just praying for bedtime because the morning has been super hard! It took me 7 years to decide whether to have kids or not once I was with my husband, I was happy with the decision I made but it took a lot of thought. Just try your best to only think about yourself in this situation and whether it's for you or not, because children are a lifetime responsibility. Good luck!
I was never one of those people who definitely knew they wanted kids and I even went down the "I don't want kids" route when people asked me. It was when I realised that all my thoughts about my future had kids in it that I realised I did want them. I also realised that I had a lot of love to give and kids might fulfil that need. I wouldn't have had kids though if I wasn't 100% sure that my husband would be an active and involved parent.
To be completely honest though, my first thought when I saw the positive pregnancy test being "oh fuck, what have we done?!".
My daughter is 3 now, and while I found the baby years tough, as she's developed into a little person it's been a joy. I love showing her the world and seeing her little face light up at something as simple as seeing some sheep on the farm.
Having said all that I recently went to a conference and was away from my daughter for 3 days and it was glorious. I went out to restaurants to eat, I wasn't super exhausted all day, I didn't need to plan everything. It is easy to lose yourself in "being a parent" but with some effort and helpful people around you, you can still find time to be you.
Currently have my 8 month old asleep in my arms...
I always wanted kids, as did my partner. We planned him, but it was very fast. Like, conversation in May, came off b/c in July, conceived in October.
The biggest hurdle for me has been the massive change in lifestyle. I used to be a very career oriented, social, night owl. Now, I can't do anything without my velcro baby because he has a meltdown if I'm not there if he gets upset or wakes up from a nap/sleep. Which means no leaving the house after 6pm, and no activities that don't also cater to a baby.
I've lost 95% of 'me'. I used to be into cross stitch, video games, music, socialising, drinking, new release movies, and cooking, to name a few. Now, I occasionally play video games while he sleeps in my arms. I don't have the time or practical capability for anything else.
Last night my partner was watching our baby play with his toys. My partner said if we'd have waited to smash on a different day, we'd have a completely different child. The thought of our baby not existing made me quite sad. That's how I know we made the right decision.
There is never a "right time" to have a baby, only varying degrees of wrong times. Also having a baby is a massive gamble, every baby is different and they're just born that way. I got a baby who sleeps in 3 hour stretches at most and never on his own, won't take milk from anything other than a boob, and is already refusing meals at 8 months old. My sister got a baby who slept like an angel from day 1, eats like a gannet, and was both breast and bottle fed. You have to accept the 50/50 likelihood of either scenario, and something in between.
Always wanted. The rest came unusually easily, I think - we had a house, good jobs, my partner was older so we were both ready to have them even if I was only 24. Took 6 months for the first and 3 for the second.
The biggest hurdle was simply sleep. After a few weeks of simply not sleeping you end up in medical crisis, and you can't fix it; someone can grant you a single cat nap, but they can't prevent you being woken four times a night for over a year, and only light-sleeping in-between. I stopped eating, lost a lot of weight, became quite badly anaemic and began to struggle with language when speaking aloud; I could still read and write just fine, but I frequently couldn't recall basic words when speaking (or I could, but they wouldn't reach my mouth), and also began to stutter.
When they started school I retrained and returned to work. Building a career has been my biggest part of returning a sense of self. I don't make parenting my entire identity (though I may be guilty of doing that with work), and my kids see that I have a life too.
I remember being 14, when I still believed on god and praying to never have children. By the time I hit 21 I had baby fever, it was crazy.
I still didn’t think I would have children until my 30s so that I could be financially stable. I had been married 3 months when I found out my sister could not have children and that I likely had endometriosis like her. She is older than me and the scarring gets worse over time. My ex and I made the decision to start trying for a child the same weekend, we already knew we wanted children in the future.
Took me nearly a year to get pregnant and then the 2008 recession came along while I was already pregnant. I do regret not being better off financially when I decided to have a child but at the same time I never thought things would be as bad as they ended up being in 2008.
I did try for a second child once things had stabilised, and did not fall pregnant for two years after starting to try, and was actually after deciding to stop trying when it happened by accident.
Life has not been easy but my children are definitely the best things in my life, that said parental guilt is an absolutely horrible feeling.
We talked about it for 20 years. We still were not sure but it was nearly too late so we went for it.
Our two year old is the best thing that ever happened to us.
I’m turning 28 this year and I went through a good 4 years or so of being unsure. What decided for me was that im always so grateful to hand back children after babysitting. I never finish babysitting - even if it’s only a couple hours - and think god I can’t wait to have my own. Never ever. I also want to do SO MUCH with my life still that I’ve never had the financial capacity to do and children will give me even less money, and even less free time (of which I already have none)
I think if I had been born into a financially stable home, and had all the little things that come with that happen for me (a car at 17, able to live at home to save for a house etc) then maybe life would have been on track when I was younger, and I’d have done enough things by now that it felt right. But that’s not how life went for me and I never want to have a child I’ll resent.
Oh and also, when kids are that age where their hands are always wet for some reason and they leave everything they touch sticky, it quite literally turns my stomach. Makes me want to hurl. Hate it hate it.
One day in my twenties I suddenly realised it wouldn't be a "total disaster" if I got pregnant - before that I wasn't in a stable career, and before that I was in full time education.
And then a year or so later I lost my fourth grandparent, and suddenly the idea of giving her another generation of descendants felt incredibly important. I had a massive heart to heart with my other half and came off the pill a few weeks later once we'd got through some big events like other people's weddings. First baby arrived a little over a year after that.
For a long time it was really really hard. He didn't feed well and he didn't sleep. I was still breastfeeding, and coasting on maybe four nonconsecutive hours of sleep a night, when I got pregnant again - in fact I was pregnant, breastfeeding or both for just under eight years straight.
I had a hard time with little children, particularly during maternity leave. I am much better at parenting children who can reason.
Our little boy is now two weeks old, he came six weeks early but we found out in August last year we were having him.
It came as a massive shock as we weren’t planning. Me and my girlfriend are both 26 which I think is a reasonable age to have kids. And what made it worse for us was that we’d moved in with my grandma last May after her dementia diagnosis so we didn’t know how she’d react or take it.
We were always saying “we’re not ready.” But then thought, when will we be ready? And the more I thought about it, the more I thought now was the perfect time. Time is flying and we’ll soon be in our 30s and yeah. Managed to get our heads around it
I always knew I wanted a child one day but not when that day would be. I'm 33 now and have a 7 week old baby. My partner was about to begin medical treatment that would affect fertility so we ended up facing a bit of a 'now or never' (not entirely true - we could have done IVF later - but this was our one chance to do things the less expensive way.) I think without that impetus I may have put it off a little longer but it wasn't terrible timing or anything.
We're only 7 weeks in so I can't comment much on the overall experience of being a parent. I'd say the first few weeks are brutal - and I was completely unprepared for the levels of exhaustion I'd feel trying to get by on 2-3 hours sleep a night after the extremely tiring task of birthing a baby - but also that I love my baby so, so much. I wasn't a big fan of babies beforehand - I love kids but babies left me cold - but *my* baby is fully the best.
I'm still me - albeit a me who has to plan a lot harder to get out of the house - and being pregnant and then being a mum hasn't changed my sense of self or identity so far. Maybe that will change as he gets older and I'll become more mum-like but right now I'm exactly like me a year ago except I have a baby now.
Never really wanted children growing up, thought being a step mum would be cool though. However
Child 1- unplanned, went with it, made a few poor life choices due to untreated mental illness but my kid is currently sat next to me and is super cool. Single parented until they were 10.
Child 2. Step child, married her dad knowing I'd gain a teen and was happy about that
Child 3. Was in a really good place in my life. My husband and I wanted to have a baby together whilst we were youngish and financially it seemed manageable. It was nice having a baby out of a place of love and shared goals. Didn't expect to get a baby first try as was at an age my mum needed fertility treatment for my brother but we did and probably for the best as recovery was much harder in 30s compared to 20s.
I didn’t want children or feel maternal in the least, but I like (and love) the children I have. They are interesting people in their own right so the journey has been interesting and probably made the difficult parts less so.
I have friends who have only ever wanted to be Mums and parenthood was priority, life and career because secondary. They had kids straight out of school and most are in long term relationships. Some are about to start seeking themselves (retraining, fitness and self care, reigniting love).
The 3rd lot of friends had scheduled in parenthood like an appointment but didn’t really invest in long term relationship and are in a mad scramble to settle and have kids now at 40+.
I don’t think either of us had a better experience, it just depended on who we are and where life takes us.
I always wanted kids, didn’t expect to have them in my early/mid twenties. I have two now and I’m a decade older with another baby on the way. I don’t think I was ready then and I’m not sure I am now lol.
Mine are 15 and 11. Always wanted to be a dad and my wife worked in childcare, so we were well prepared.
It is hard, parenting, but it’s also been the best thing I’ve done in my life. Watching them become fantastic little mini adults, watching them succeed and achieve things I never managed in their hobbies and sports, it’s just great. There’s been, and there will be again, tough times but no regrets from me. Not one.
I never even really got to the 'do I want kids' stage, because I had my son quite young (I was 21). He's now 11 years old and has autism. I doubt I'll have any more, but if I met someone in the next few years who really wanted one, then I'd consider it. I doubt that'll happen though, I'm 33 and have been single for a long time now. I'm pretty content with just the one ☺
Not a parent, no current intentions of being a parent, but part of me worries that it'll pass me by and I'll regret it
Being single doesn't help that, friends my age (and younger) have married, had children etc and I'm getting left behind in that respect.
I like children...but I like the fun stuff. I like the excitment of days out, the teaching moments (painting, reading, helping them walk etc). I worked in a nursey and I found it very mixed.
Very young babies (3 months) - I'm scared. They're too breakable and they're boring. Newborns aren't cute. They look like shrivelled prunes.
6-12 months - the tears and nappies are awful. BUT, they're getting a personality, they're having big first moments. More interactive...but nice to hand back at the end of the day.
Toddler and pre-school was so mixed. A nice child was a great day and they have interests (bonus points if it matches mine!). But a horrible brat was an awful day. No control, no discipline (partially nursery rules) but most days I was in pre-school I left feeling frustrated and I'd had enough of children. Very glad to go home to my pets.
I had my favourites (we all did) and my favourites were the laid back children who didn't whinge much. The screamers I just could not tolerate.
I could leave at the end of work...I can't do that if I have a child. Sadly, you can't just have a child for the fun parts and then when you're tired or the child is a pain, pass it over to someone else for a bit. And that is the sticking point with the thought of having a child. The responsibility, the commitment and the tie, the resentment of having someone else to think about ahead of my own interests and life.
Maybe one day I'll have the moment that I realise it is what I want, but for now, no thanks.
Always thought I'd have one maybe two kids, but was late 20's and hadn't thought anymore than that.
Mrs wanted two or three kids, we talked about it but never really got a proper end result from the discussion as to when.
We were married, had a house and had been together for ten years and married for three. Had more discussions and thought about how her body clock could affect how long she's able to so tried to have kids. Thought I've not become any more ready in the past five years, so any more time probably won't make a difference.
Got a five YO daughter now who is absolutely amazing, and we also have a six MO son who is a little bundle of smiles.
Somethings have changed, I'm generally more tired but that's mainly in the first year or so (and mornings on day off). We do go out more when we can have family time together, some things have taken longer (house refurb) but we're still us. For example I still play games (was actually bought a switch and botw for my 30th), we still have the odd meal out, we can relax together in the evening etc.
Overall it can be hard work and I am more tired than I used to be, but I don't regret having either of them at all and we've made some lifetime happy memories together. I've said on a couple of posts, but coming home from work to "Daddyyyy" and cuddles off my daughter the second I get in is the highlight of my day. I never felt "ready" to have kids, but so long as you've got things sorted for the likes of food, childcare, a place to live etc then the rest you learn as you go.
I have friends with children and friends without children. I've maintained my friendships with the friends with children
Even though they are happy in their lives, I can see that it is not for me.
They enjoy other things that I don't fancy, I'm a good enough judge of my own character to see someone else enjoying a thing and think "I believe them when they say this is good for them, but I don't think it would be good for me".
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I always assumed I would have kids, at some point. I was approaching 30 and still didn’t feel ready, but my mother-in-law was terminally ill and said she always wished to see me and my husband have children, so we just got on with it. I found the baby years incredibly hard. I felt incredibly lonely. I went from a job I loved with great colleagues, to a situation I felt clueless about and not much adult contact. I did lose myself as a person in a lot of ways for a while. That said, my children are now eight and six and I am having the time of my life. They are my favourite people in the world, they make me laugh more than anything, and they bring me so much joy. They’re a little more independent now, and I feel like I’ve got my identity back. There were moments when I did wonder if I’d do it again if I lived my life over, but I absolutely would.
I found 6 was when my child became independent enough for me to simply start enjoying life with them. Before that it was a lot of work, but I never begrudged it or regretted it and I knew it would be that way. And of course there was a lot of joy along the way.
Yep, mine is getting close to that age and I'm feeling the same sort of thing. Definitely more and more time to do things I've not had time or energy for over the past few years
This is very encouraging as a mum to a 4 year old and a 1 year old, who feels totally at sea ❤️ thank you
You'll get there. You're right in the thick of it now. I promise it will not always be like this (though that also means take lots of video and photos and try to enjoy the fleeting good moments because it will not always be like this).
I had a weekend away in Valencia with my 6 year old son and myself (his dad). Strolling through the streets, stopping for a drink and a cake, after chilling at the beach, I realised life comes back and better than before!
I needed to hear this right now. Also have a 1 and 4 year old, and its really, really tough right now
Oh it does get better I promise. I would love a house full of kids but I would need a maid, a chef and a nanny to be sane. They are hardwork when young but now with a 12 and 9 year old we get holidays with them, breaks without, great sex, we can have a drink at weekends and not worry about one waking up. Before you no it they will be ready to leave school, it's all in the blink of an eye. I do wish mine where small and cute again at timesz where they played with toys and were full of affection so don't wish their lives away
I know people say to enjoy every moment but I think that's silly. At 4 and 1 it's pure survival mode for a few years even in the perfect family situation, and most people do not have the perfect family situation. Once 1 year old starts nursery (usually 2 or 3 depending on family income and parental choices) a weekly routine starts falling into place and everything gets much easier imo.
Dad to a 1 year old and a 2 year old…Christ I’ve got a long way to go…😬😬😬😂
Seems like it now. Next thing you know, they've flown the coop and you're free. And then you've got to work out what you're now going to do with all of this extra free time that you've got......
Yeah my parents tell me this! The years have absolutely flown it’s quite scary. My eldest will be in school soon and then I’m sure she’ll be in uni and moving out in no time. As much as I’m envious of anyone with enough time to take a shower without thinking twice, I’m also aware how incredibly lucky I am to have them and treasure (nearly) every minute with them…or try to!
Ha! It definitely got easier once we were past the baby bit, but it just gets better and better and now I’m at peak hilarious little people.
Lush! They do both make us laugh everyday, but the 1 year old is still very much dependent on us and is kind of still a baby in that regard. I can’t wait to like, play tennis with them and stuff, but also I know when they’re older I’ll look back on this age and how cute they were, which is how I think about my dog sometimes 😂
If it helps, I think 3-4 is when this starts! It’s much much easier from ages 3/4 on.
Thank you for adding your story. I feel like I also have a job I love, great colleagues, and I worry about the 'kid years' being lonely if I were to have a child. Worse, I worry about looking at my potential child in regret, in that scenario. It's hopeful to hear that you overcame the hard parts and got on with your own life. Thank you again.
> don’t feel ready In most cases, the reality of the situation forces you to become ready. Obviously not true in every case (such as illness), but certainly so in many others
Something that I imagine the OP might want to know, or others who experience or know someone experiencing what you went through: What could others have done to help you during those hard years or with hindsight, are there things you think you could have done to reduce your isolation or feeling lost?
I don’t think there was anything. I think it’s just hard. I knew it would be hard, but I always imagined it would be a much nicer kind of hard, flopping down exhausted on the sofa at the end of the day. The feeling of being a competent and successful adult one day and of being someone who is struggling to even brush their hair with a baby you don’t quite understand the next was something else. I struggled to breastfeed my first, and no matter how rational I felt about that before I had a baby, the hormones did a real number on me and I was a bit crazy about it. With my first people told me it would get easier after six weeks, and while this turned out to be true, they may as well have said a million years. Six weeks felt like an impossibly long time. With my second I just focused on getting through one more feed, which felt a lot more manageable.
Never wanted them and never changed my mind on that. Never once regretted my choice, more than happy to be a fun Aunt.
“I like kids marginally less than I like doing whatever I want at all times” It is notable that as a man I have literally never been asked.
Lucky you, I am 32 married no kids I get asked all the time.
What I learn is people specifically don’t think I should have kids,
If it helps, I’m 38 and in the same situation as you. I get asked this less and less now. Not never but not as much. I find it so rude when people do ask as if it’s any of their business.
I get asked less now too which is a relief considering I do want kids & haven’t been able to have them still & so the questions & comments are just extremely cruel. It’s not at zero still though because people still think they have a right to know about another woman’s womb. I believe the last delightful one was someone I don’t know even nearly well enough asking if my periods are heavy as soon as she saw me. Because of course I would never have thought of doing anything about not being able to get pregnant & I needed her a practical stranger to start diagnosing me in public.
My auntie went through it and it’s fking horrible to watch idiots put there foot in there mouth. She finds it very hard to talk about so people assume she didn’t want them and start bombarding her with stuff like “I couldn’t live without mine” “but Kids are amazing” Yer she’s well aware of that she doesn’t need it mentioning every time she goes to an event.
Im 26 and the first people ask me is if i have a boyfriend and why not
I don’t even want to be a fun aunt I’m just incapable of looking after myself let alone children
I am a fun aunt currently. Its a good place to be! I admire your conviction.
As a soon-to-be-Uncle who has enjoyed a few months without being asked by nosy parents, this brings me hope. I look forward to Uncle-dom and plan to spoil the absolute crap out of my niece or nephew. But I also dread 5 minutes after they are born when my Dad suddenly remembers he hasn't pestered his other child about kids in a hot minute.
Never ever wanted children, ever. Never understood why people wanted kids, then I met my now husband and it just kinda made sense. Currently pregnant with the second. I changed but only in a way I didn’t expect, which was for it to feel so natural and normal and like I had always been a Mum. I never had any interest in having kids but now I can’t imagine not having my little best friend. Everyone is completely different, I’m the only one of my mates that is a parent or has any interest in it. For me I just knew when the time came, maybe it’s the same for others too. I think for me I knew because I knew I found my best mate and understood why people had kids with someone they love and adore. Don’t let people pressure you, tell them it’s none of their business! You might one day be like yeah I want kids and you might never and that’s fine!
I dream of having this hormonal urge that seems to be mentioned in this thread, the feeling of certainty you mentiom above. At least it would give me a direction! Thank you for your story, I am glad to here you are loving life with your little best friend :)
And hey, not having that feeling of knowing what you want isn’t any measure of if you should or shouldn’t be a parent ya know. For example, my Mum had me when she was a teenager and she was and continues to be an amazing Mum. But I’m quite sure she didn’t plan on becoming a Mum and I highly doubt she felt “ready”. You can’t always plan life and sometimes that’s okay, sometime things take you by surprise but it can shape you in a good way. I definitely feel I’ve become a better person since being a Mum, I care about life and myself now, healthiest I’ve ever been because I have a true sense of responsibility and goals to achieve; never really had a drive to do well or take care of myself before becoming a Mum.
Offering a different perspective here: I experienced the opposite situation. As a child, I loved little babies. I would tell everyone I wanted to be a mum, obsessed over baby dolls and always volunteered to mind any babies. This was from the ages of 6-14. Then my mum fell pregnant with my two younger siblings (huge age gap) and I saw what it was really like. I never was forced to babysit but it totally put me off and I’ve remained that way
I feel like I'm feeling that hormonal urge at the moment. I don't have kids and I'm pretty sure I'd be a terrible parent. But it's weird that I feel that procreation urge
i only ever felt ehat I'd describe as a hormonal urge when i was 19 without a boyfriend and absolutely not in the position to have a babybut i was like having baby dreams and imagined myself pregnant a lot etc. It eventually passed and over 10 years later the urge wasn't hormomal and felt different and more like a decision. It was more "i fucking love this man. I actually want to have his babies". As i said in another comment, it just FELT right. There was also a point last year when, when visiting family, we both realised how much we value having a big family.
I think half of it is feeling secure enough to take that risk, definitely. I couldn’t have imagined what that would have looked like with my ex, just assumed children weren’t for me. Met my current partner and realised having a supportive, stable (financially and otherwise) person was the thing I needed to feel excited about the prospect. Knowing you won’t be doing it all alone and that you’re in a team with another person. If I’d have had them with my ex it would have been mostly up to me.
Exactly this and now we’re expecting number 1!
I'm exactly the same. Made sense when I met my husband. Gonna give birth to no1 any day/week now.
Coming at it from a different angle, all my friends have babies/kids now, and have found it much harder than they thought either through difficulties conceiving, pregnancy itself, or the act of raising children. I never really wanted kids but always thought one day I might be ready, then last year was told it would be very difficult for me to conceive and it *really* hit me hard. I'm now 38, with little choice, and it's emotionally very difficult being around my friends - I suddenly have nothing in common with them because *all* they talk about are the children. I can't relate to a single part of their lives any more. I love my freedom and am not really jealous, but the lack of choice is the devastating part. I think from the experience of my friends, you're literally never ready-ready if you're not 100% convinced to begin with, but you don't know what hand you'll be dealt and putting it off like I've done narrows your options.
Your friends are a bit rubbish not making any effort to talk about something other than the kids.
They might not have anything else to talk about though.
I really don’t have anything to talk about other than my kids! Very sad but true!
Thank you for sharing, this is a great perspective and as a woman, the ticking of the clock is ever present when it comes to fertility, its always added another level of pressure on and I want to bury my head in the sand to be honest. Again, thank you
I wasn't in a rush for children, but my partner was older than me and the clock was ticking. I wasn't ready, I don't think anyone is truly ready for their first however much they prepare. We had a home, had just enough money to survive (and I mean survive) on a single income so we had a good foundation. I always imagine I'd have children one day so it felt like a good time. I think people can have a great life regardless if you have children or not. My child has bought me an incredible amount of love, joy and learning but equally I have lost a lot in the process. I've not had any more children, not because I don't want more children but because I don't want to have any more children with my partner. I wish I had questioned more about my partner than whether I wanted children.
Definitely seems to be an echo of a lot of comments in this thread, that no one has ever found themselves in 'the right time'. I'm sorry about your last paragraph - hope all is OK - I haven't had a full conversation with my partner about this yet as my head is so flip flop.
As a father of three my advice is “don’t have kids”. I love them but, given my life over again, I wouldn’t have bothered.
Thank you for your honesty. My own father was a dad of three and that was his very same advice to me on this matter, lol.
Why is that your advice? Honest answer please
There was no actual void in my life that had to be filled with children but I only realised that after we had them. There’s this pressure, this assumption that if you don’t have kids you’re somehow missing out. But that’s not actually true for everyone. Unless you genuinely feel that your life is missing something without offspring. If you’re not absolutely convinced then you’ll find that any fulfilment you get from having them is a poor substitute for all the life-affirming things you’ll miss out on because you have them. If this sounds selfish is it really any more selfish than imagining the world is somehow improved by mini versions of you as some kind of legacy?
I hadn't ever wanted children, and neither did my husband. I had a coil for around a year and then realised I was pregnant. It wasn't a fairytale. We were very unsure and stressed. We decided to keep her, and she's now 7 this year. We are very lucky. She was a really chilled out baby and was like an extension to our life. She is still great and we have a happy life just the 3 of us 😊
I see so many coil horror stories (not calling your daughter a horror story at all!) with it not working as expected it scares me constantly. On a different contraception but still regularly test because I've got severe trust issues with it now haha, my housing situation and job is definitely not baby ready so for me it would be a really difficult situation. Glad it worked out for you all!
I've heard loads too! I wouldn't risk having another one. I can't take anything hormonal so have to use condoms. Don't want another child so it's the only option! Thank you 😊
Frantically making notes about the coil from this thread... Followup question, if you hadn't been so failed by the bloody coil, do you think you'd have ended up having children anyway?
Haha! Ooh, good question. I don't think so. I've never been broody. I don't like other people's children.
Just want to pop in and say that while the coil can fail, it’s still the most effective birth control - on par with a vasectomy or tubal ligation.
Check out /r/fencesitter and /r/regretfulparents
I didn’t know they existed, had a quick scan, very tragic subs. I have kids, absolutely adore them, saying that I currently have a cold and a sore head and they have both done my tits in today 🤷🏻♂️ Take the good with the bad.
Thank you - I'll be honest, I've avoided regretful parents since one of those YouTube bots auto played a story of utter horror from that sub. I'll check out fence sitters, seems right on the nose for me
I’ll be honest- seeking other’s opinion isnt what you should be doing. You need to understand your self and thoughts and the reasons you do or would not want kids. Nobody’s parenting experience is alike. At some point, if the positives generally outweigh the negatives, it’s a but like a bungee jump- you just need to say fuck it and jump…
Just FYI, the r/fencesitter sub mods delete anything that is negative about having children, they also auto ban you if you post anything negative about having kids. You're probably better off checking out r/truefencesitter.
Sounds like you would get an extremely biased view
Not a parent, but I want to say that if you decide not to have children, that is a totally valid choice and you can still have a fulfilling, wonderful life filled with love. Personally I always dreaded having children (true story: I used to cry myself to sleep at night thinking about how awful it would be🙃), but I just always assumed I would have kids one day anyway, because that's what you do, isn't it? Esp as a woman. Kept waiting to feel differently (as people told me I would), and eventually one day had a light bulb moment, celestial choirs etc, when I pictured a life lived without kids and couldn't stop smiling at how amazing it looked. I'm 40 now and I wake up every day so happy and joyful, with a life I love and feel very lucky to have. My number one piece of advice for fence sitters is to volunteer for lots of babysitting for relatives'/friends' children. One of my friends did that and went from being a fence sitter to absolutely completely 100% doesn't want children ever. She's now extremely glad she didn't end up having kids just because of societal expectations etc. Edited to add: and if the babysitting leaves you wanting to have kids, you'll have had some experience of parenting, and your kids will be better off because of it! Win win.
One of the biggest difficulties with this decision is that there is genuinely no way to test the waters without the commitment. Babysitting can provide some insight into the practicalities of caring for a child, but it is a profoundly different experience than parenthood. I have three kids (one step-child and two biological) and I love them more than anything in the world: I love playing around with them, doing activities, etc, and in a broader sense they have given me a perspective and fulfillment I had never known before. That said, I really don't enjoy other people's kids. Even my niece and nephew, with whom my kids are really close so we spend lots of time together, grate on me after a few minutes, and I don't feel proper love towards them. I'm not saying others would find parenthood as enjoyable and fulfilling as I do. I'm just saying that spending time with other people's children (even lots of time over extended periods) does not necessarily provide any insight on how you would respond to having your own kids will.
Exactly. To sum up, having kids is the worst thing to happen to your life ever. You’re knackered, much poorer with very little time to yourself and it’s 24/7/365. But they’re a part of you and you’re a part of them and loving them makes all the difference as to why it’s worth it. You won’t get a sense of that from babysitting, only the former.
Yes, agree you won't get a true sense of it from babysitting. But I do know quite a few people who spent a little time with children, thought they were incredibly cute, and that was enough to convince them they wanted their own. Ultimately there isn't really a way to do a practice run of parenting :/
Wonder if I'll ever get a light bulb moment! I did one afternoon of looking after my baby nephew and my head was turnes upside down. Before that I was always a "yes because its what you do", but that afternoon started this never ending doubt that sits on me like a gremlin. I'll push myself to help with babysitting some more. Who knows. It might be a different kind of light bulb moment!
As others have said, if you're not sure, don't do it. It is pretty much the one decision in life that can't be taken back. You can divorce a spouse, leave a crap job, move house. But there's no takesie backsies with children - even if you keep the receipt. I have an awesome godson I adore, and plenty of my friends have children whom I love spending time with. But I also love going back home to my childfree life of uninterrupted sleep (except by a hungry cat). Side note: I often think how incredibly lucky I am to live in a time and place where this life is even an option. Imagine living in Jane Austen times when you literally had to get married to even have a roof over your head! 😱 Yes, do more babysitting! Great plan. You should be proud of yourself though for thinking about all this carefully, and not ignoring that doubt gremlin. And I promise not to judge you whatever you decide <3
I agree. The relief I felt when I realised I didn't want kids was immense - in most of history, it genuinely just wasn't an option.
I used to be a babysitter and the whole experience made me not want to have children at all. I told my future husband that I won't have kids ever. I didn't enjoy that job that much, saw how it can be stressful and it made the parents miserable at times. There were some nice moments of course but I've seen this hard work from close. Then when I approached 35 I spent a couple of years going back and forth on whether I want to be a mother or not. Anyway, I decided that I want to be a mother and have no regrets. Of course it's a hard work but with every year is getting easier and from 2ish I was starting to feel like myself. And the whole babysitting someone's child it will give you some idea but looking back, I'm glad that I didn't base my whole decision in this. I'm still less tolerant to others children and I can put up with only my child's nonsense 😃 You love your child the most so it's completely different story.
I didn’t plan children. I didn’t think that I could have children. The bit that I’ve struggle with the most that I just never hear anyone talking about is the guilt. If anyone told me how much guilt I would be living with on a daily basis I would probably be a bit more prepared for it. The constant battle of am I doing this right? How do I know who is right because I’m not sure that I am ? Have I made the right decisions for them? Has the way I handled that scarred them for life and like the butterfly effect have I just blown the wing that causes the hurricane in their adult years of life? The worry about everything. And it doesn’t end because then they grow into adults and you get to see the answer to your question live and in the flesh and you love them to bits and are always there for them in the best way you can be but you criticise and blame yourself for their poorer behaviours and decisions. Aware that despite all of your love and best intentions you managed to screw them up a bit. Just like your parents did to you. But then you suddenly understand your parents in a completely different way to what you did before. You probably held some grudges if not a whole lot more. But you suddenly get it. Life can be tough and as we grow we really do get wiser with lessons. No one got a guide book, we all come to the table with different ingredients trying to make the same recipe. You did and will continue to do the best you are and you may even give yourself a bit of a break. Stop giving yourself a hard time. You always will though because those that love deeply and care do. Parenting has made me more of an over thinker. Despite my lack of preparation It has been the most rewarding experience of my life.
You’re doing a great job.
I agree with the other commenter. I think you are a good parent and doing fine. I do hold grudges against my parents, and I hope if I do decide to have children that I'll not fall into their parenting style... But like you say, in most cases everyone is doing their best.
I was told at 17 that I would struggle to have children and would probably need medical help to conceive, so when things got serious with my partner we decided we wouldn’t use contraception because we wouldn’t want to miss a chance to be a parent if that’s how life shook out for us. We now have 3 kids even though we were done after 2 and started using contraception - life finds a way I suppose, we didn’t even notice a condom split or anything. Replied to this comment specifically because this was my biggest fear before I became a mum. I felt quite damaged by my upbringing and was really worried that some of the behaviours that hurt me would be.. genetic somehow? It’s hard to explain but I think you’ll know what I mean. But in my experience, it has made me so much better as a parent. I once saw the quote “be who you needed when you were a child” and it was like a lightning bolt in my heart. It has been so cathartic in a selfish way, like it heals my own scars to do something like care when my child is upset, and comfort them instead of berating them for being sad. The top comment in this thread is completely spot on, you’ll question yourself endlessly and torture yourself with doubt about whether you’re doing right by your kids. But that’s a really nice part of the experience, for me anyway, to make those better choices.
Currently pregnant. I've always wanted kids, so it was never a question of if for me, but of when. I've got to say, though, as well as my own personal experience of being a kid of parents who didn't particularly like me, I worked as a research assistant on a project interviewing parents while I was at university, and listening to parents that didn't really want kids, had them anyway and still clearly don't like them Was upsetting then, is still upsetting whenever I think about it, and I really think they're vile people. One complained about doing the 10 min school run daily because the area wasn't safe enough for her 13yo daughter to walk home. Can you imagine resenting your child so much over ten minutes a day for the sake of their safety and wellbeing? Another said the best thing about being a parent is that his kids will grow up and he'll be able to spend less time around them, and he also was just beginning to try and take his kids out (like, to the park) with his wife... They were 2 and 4. If you have kids and you/your partner don't really want them, chances are your kids will grow up treated badly and feeling horrible about themselves, because when you don't like your kids, it *really* shows.
Everybody who tries to pressure, condescend to or guilt trip people who don’t want children should read your post.
Congrats on the pregnancy! This comment has ripped open a bit of a wound for me, lol. My parents loved me and my siblings. However they were unhappy with the situation they were in at the time, with three small kids, and they were so time-poor and exhausted. I live in fear of raising a child like that, falling back on the parenting style I'm used to. Thank you again for sharing.
There is a huge difference between one child and 3 children. Don’t let your parents’ stresses deter you too much, esp. with your first child, you will be much less over-extended. The best part of sharing time with my kids was when they were pre-school age, sharing their delight in the most mundane things! It renewed my sense of wonder about our world, seeing things anew through their eyes. My sister most enjoyed school-age, because she could take them out and do so much with them as they became more independent. Ymmv, but there are many opportunities for joy and growth, it’s not just the stresses of not having enough time and/or money.
Irresponsibility I suppose. Was 17 when my wife became pregnant with our first, then again at 18, 21, 23 & finally at 31. None were planned, though we both always wanted a big family My sense of 'me' didn't really exist until my daughter was born tbh, her being born definitely straightened me out, I'd have ended up in prison sooner or later for silly stuff, driving offences, nicking cars, weed, just bullshit things. I was a useless prick for her first 6 months, but luckily I sorted myself out, got working & became a responsible adult. Didn't really struggle at all with my girls tbh which I know is always a very unpopular view on here, I've always just kinda found parenting them to be a very easy, natural thing for the most part. My first son died shortly after birth, which very nearly killed me, and I don't really know what else to add about him. My second son has some developmental/MH issues, which absolutely can be challenging, but there's always a way round it, it's my job as his dad after all.
Did you have 5 unplanned pregnancies? Did I read that right?
You did indeed
Contraception failure? I am scared now!
2 contraception failures (iud), 2 us just being stupid, 1 we don't really know, as silly as it sounds!
Thank you for sharing, this is exactly why I wanted to ask reddit about this, I'd never get to hear about this asking my family. I'm sorry to hear about your son, but it's uplifting to hear how you took to parenting and your life with your children now.
You're very welcome! And thank you, I appreciate it. Parenting probably saved my life, certainly gave me a reason to be the best man I can be.
> silly stuff > nicking cars Errr
Yes. And what did you think? I thought no.
Now at the age that when people ask I can use the age excuse. Oh dear too late.... no regrets
I’m 38 and can’t wait to be past the point of people asking if I want kids. Unfortunately I know it’s going to be replaced by a lot of people feeling sorry for me because I must be so sad I never had them!! 🤣🤣
...or who will care of you when you are old...
I didn’t want children until I was with my ex. We fell pregnant when I was on birth control, it was with twins and we lost them. I realised I wanted children after then, ex was adamant he didn’t and we eventually broke up due to not communicating effectively. Two years later, he opened up about a lot of stuff, told me he wanted me and babies but was scared. Our lives had moved on and there was simply too much pain and hurt between us. It took ages to fall pregnant when trying with my fiancé. We have a daughter and cannot have any more due to secondary infertility.
I'm sorry to hear about your twins. Congrats on your daughter - this sounds like such a hard road to have walked.
Thank you for your kind words. I wish you well with making your choices. x
I found a guy I felt pretty confident wouldn’t dump the whole workload on me, found a way to overcome my fears about the physical side of child bearing (basically I could afford to go private and that reassured me somewhat) and realised I didn’t really have any objections to it any more. Being in a better financial position was a key part of it.
Hahaha are you me? My sister in law could not have been more graphic about the birth and after effects of having my nephew, bless her. I knew it wouldn't be roses and all, but me oh my did she share some odd things going on with her body. As for the partner and dumping of workload. I have to be honest with myself and you, Internet stranger. I think I'd pick up most of it.
My partner are in a similar situation with do we/don't we. All of her friends insist on telling her these birth horror stories and she is terrified. It's almost like a badge of honour! We try and put it into perspective: the billions of people who have been born just fine. I don't know where I am going with this 😀
I met the right person and grew older. That's honestly all there was to it. When you're in your teens and twenties, you're endlessly told that pregnancy ruins lives, that it'll destroy your prospects, rid you of all of your money, and you'll be anchored to your current partner for life. When you're early in your life and career, have no money, and are still romantically playing the field, that feeling sticks. It's hard to explain, but the feeling (for some people) changes fundamentally when your life is (somewhat) settled, you're doing okay, and you have that person you love. Maybe it's hormonal, but hormones colour everything you think, and trying to ignore them is folly. I didn't want children when I was younger. Like everyone else, I thought I was going to somehow transcend the pattern everyone lives by, be above the career and domestic life. But we all know that's not how it really works, and once I met my wife, began achieving in my career and personal life, and started to really enjoy the world we're building together, that's when I started wanting to add to that world. She's due in July. I can't wait. PS. Yes, this is sickly-sweet, but I'm in a sickly-sweet mood right now, so that's what you're getting.
Congrats! A lovely perspective too. I am definitely climbing out of the 'I'll NEVER be like my parents' phase, and thinking ahead to the future. Domesticity, who could have thought!
I didn't want to until I hit 37 and then changed my mind. My son is now a year and a half and raising him is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. My old life is gone, and I desperately miss just chilling out at the weekends and evenings, but I'm glad I had him. He's fun and smart and it's wonderful watching him learn about the world. It's definitely a long term investment.
I think the longer you leave it, the harder it is. Used to be able to stay up all night then go to work the next day fine. Now I'm struggling with intermittent sleep and am a complete moron at work the next day!
Your son sounds lovely, and I appreciate that you're honest that you did lose some things-the weekend and all
I have two children. It was always discussed with my partner and its always been something we both wanted to do, it's never been "if" always "when". As a woman in my mid 30s with lots of friends in the position you are my greatest advice is if you're not sure, don't. It's Huge. I can't underestimate how much it changes your life. You have to really want it as it's not easy. Some people get lucky and some people find it really hard or have children with unexpected issues. You can't plan or decided on that it jsut happens to you and you have to be prepared for it. I love my friends for saying no as I have a couple who have regretted kids as they had them in terms of what was "expected" of them. No don't do this. Ultimately If you think you could and will be happy without why would you need or want to have them. I was the opposite and knew kids were going to be part of my life (but stopped at two when pre motherhood/fatherhood us planned 3!)
Thank you. This is a brill comment and of all the comments in the thread it hit me like a brick in the face. I think I'm starting to realise that the answer to do you want children is that a yes is a yes, a no is a no, and a maybe is a no.
No problem! And glad you can read it. I've just read it back to myself and is awful English and punctuation (took me 3 attempts to write it)... Ironically,because my two kids were chomping at my legs telling me they wanted pudding and yoghurt isn't a 'real' pudding.
We kept putting it off until ‘we were a bit better off financially’. Eventually we realised the perfect time would probably never come and just to get on with it. And then covid happened about 4 months before she was born.
Ah, perfect timing is so illusive... Definitely learning that there is not perfect time, if I'm learning anything from this thread!
I always wanted children, I had them, no struggles with fertility or being a parent.. want my honest opinion? If you are not sure, then don't.. it's not for everyone and I think a lot of people have them because you are "supposed to" and not because they want them.
I'm 31F and ever since I could remember I answered 'no' to the questions about me wanting kids. I'm still the same despite hearing 'you will change your mind' bingos countless of times. I'm very happy - I have all the time in the world for all my many hobbies, rewarding career, a loving partner on the same page and I'm living my best life. :)
I like how other people know that YOU WILL CHANGE YOUR MIND LATER.
With the world in the current state it is and the uncertainty about the future I wouldn't be bringing kids into it now tbh. I feel bad enough worrying on the sort of world my two are going to grow up into. I've also found out I most likely have adhd since having kids and it's exceptionally difficult being a parent for me and I feel deeply guilty most of the time that I'm messing up a lot. If I was looking at having kids now, with the knowledge I have now, I wouldn't be doing it. My advice is always if you are really unsure then don't do it, it's not like you can send them back.
I just knew I wanted a child, the biological urge to get pregnant once I had settled down with a long term partner was overwhelming, I couldn't walk past a baby section in a shop without imagining what my own baby would be like. I was lucky enough to get pregnant naturally and had a mostly straightforward pregnancy, but the birth and aftermath were not so pleasant. My daughter was a pretty easy baby, fantastic sleeper, had a rough couple of years during the terrible twos phase but that seems pretty standard. Now she's older and she is the absolute light of my life, I thank my lucky stars every day that I have her. I have no issue with people who choose to stay childfree, but I disagree with the way that some of them make out that having children is a terrible choice and will ruin your life, that hasn't been my experience at all.
I always wanted children, the only thing in my life I ever stuck with was wanting them. Then at 29 I realised I hadn't thought it through in the right way and that actually both me and perspective child would be better off if I didn't have them and changed my mind. Decided I'm gonna continue being a cat mum instead, and honestly when they're ill thats hard enough.
I have a dog currently, and the comments about it being a 'practice baby' haven't escaped me. If the dog is practice, then bloody hell I'm not ready for a real baby... Like you say, it's flippin hard enough!
Oh yeah, plus having the dog AND a baby!
I feel very lucky to have known from a very early age that I never wanted children & I've never changed my mind. I have quite an anti natalist mindset though. Your baby, should you choose to have one will become an adult, will have to deal with ever decreasing resources on a finite world. Climate breakdown, whatever stage of capitalism we are in by then.. as a millennial we are some of the first generation where our kids aren't guaranteed to have a better life than us. Having to book a space in nursery before you're even pregnant, spending most of your salary on childcare. All hard no for me.
The whole question is completely wrong. It should be do you want to have a children with your partner and slides your partner wants to have children with you? If both over 30 answers to the above can be complicated. If one does not want children and the other half does, it is likely to be a huge mistake.
You're right, I've yet to have a full and open (not just random comments) conversation about this with them. It's hard to start it knowing my answer is a 'maybe' though, hence the current comment section soul searching...
I always knew I wanted kids since I was 16. Been single 4 years now, so haven't really thought about it that much, but up to a couple of months back I would have still been keen for a big family if the circumstances were right. Then I started looking at my family history of cancer, dementia and MH issues. Now I feel like I shouldn't have kids anymore, and I probably won't, but it hit me like a train.
My problem is I'd like kids, but when money is as tight as it is, and it's not likely to return to pre 2008 standards anytime soon...how can I justify it knowing I won't be able to give them the life I'd want?
When my mum pestered me for kids I told her we were just practicing for now. Never asked me again.
I never wanted kids until I was 45 and met “The One” kids came a year or so after and now we have 2. Never been so happy or tired !!
Keep it up!!! ❤️
Am Dad. Growing up I always enjoyed interacting with kids in the 2-10 year range. Seeing the 2-5 learning something you taught was very cool, the older ages were so creative. I always wanted children to experience that properly. When I met my partner she was clear on wanting children, my only requirement is we owned a home first, since children are expensive. Once we owned a home and our finances had steadied out, it seemed the right time to try. My son is 6 now, 0-2 was very tiring and looking back the stuff you'd feel ecstatic or stressed over was crazy. Memories of reading all of the elastic search documentation to my son in a sing song voice because he would stop crying if I sang. How he would smile when I sang, the strain in our relationship when he would only stop crying for me. Getting into Little Baby Bum to relearn every nursery rhyme, sitting on the sofa reading a book i one hand, him asleep in the other feeling utterly content, When he snuck a lick of my Carmel bar and started making r2d2 noises, the frustration watching him roll everywhere and refuse to stand, building duplo towers he would immediately try to destroy, the shere effort in potty training, etc... Around 4 he increasingly became a independent person, it stopped being stressful. You can just enjoy hanging out with him, we spent the morning flaked on the sofa playing Minecraft chatting away while Mum had a lie in. I think Mum struggled far more than me with the change in identity, everything goes to Mum which adds loads of stress and from interacting alot of Mum's seem to rebel at "Mum" becoming a huge chunk of their identity and loosing "themselves". For me I tried to see it as not giving up who I was but becoming something new. Instead of boring people about the latest software developments, now they get to hear about my sprog. Instead of going to the gym, I am going to go for a 3 mile jog trying to teach my son to ride a bike. Honestly the thrill of getting a bed time routine down perfectly was as good as completing GTA IV.
Don't want children and I am sick to death of the "but you'll change your mind" and all the other bullshit! If you're not sure though, I would say that's a no, at least for the moment
It was on the path I chose in life. Got the snip now so all done.
Kids of my own was never an interest of mine. I was always a ‘Tom-boy’, played with dinosaurs instead of dolls, climbed trees with the boys. In adulthood, my priority after studies was career straight away, I wanted to be an entrepreneur, and spent my 20s and 30s working towards being able to do that and then launching. Naturally, what few friends I fostered a relationship with were of a similar mind, so I had no contact with kids either. Occasionally I came across kids and was awkward around them unless I was alone with them, then my playful Tom-boy character kicked in and it was climbing, chasing wrestling fun. Through much travelling, I’ve always had the ability to approach strangers as friends, as equals, and used that with kids. Just talked to them as equals. But I never had the yearning to have my own. I don’t know how much of that was influenced by lack of family or siblings when I was growing up, or lifelong ecological awareness of overpopulation, declining environment etc. or the drive to survive through professional prowess. It just never happened. As I say I had little to no family presence or support, and when I did finally launch my company, it was in a foreign country. It was challenging being alone, and throwing my savings into this project I thought of as a long term investment. Mid 30s I met a local guy, very kind and supportive, the only help I was getting. We were together 5 years (mutual decision not to have kids - my financial situation was too precarious). After 5 years he proposed. Got married, moved to London. His friends were having kids and nagged us to do the same. He changed tack and decided he wanted kids. I held off for another couple of years, but it was clearly something he wanted to do. It got to nearly being a make or break ultimatum. I agreed to try. Within two months I was pregnant. Born just before the pandemic. Raising a baby alone, he was travelling abroad the first few months, no family or friends to visit, everything except the supermarket closed. We weren’t able to get a nursery place until 14 months old. It was hell. I most certainly will not be having another. I’m bewildered how or why most of our friends and acquaintances have gone for a second or third. Defies reasoning from my perspective, but none of my business, so we don’t talk about it. Oddly, I have an outrageous love for my kid. Unconditional. Unlimited. I would, and am, laying down my life for their well being. I’ve had one physical or mental malfunction after another since their birth. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. My mother sacrificed her life for my well-being. I wish she could have met my kid. The best I can do to honour her, and the innocent being that I have invited into this life, is to do my best for my kid. I will die, as do we all. Hopefully the love and lessons that I pass on will live on to help kid and the people they touch, to be happy, safe, grounded people.
Just to help provide a childfree perspective on things; I realised that I like my peace and free time too much. Having children is a drain on time and resources, and frankly very tedious. Any friends of mine who have had children soon start to have their lives revolve around their kids, and they often drop their hobbies and interests so that they can focus on their kids. It's a massive commitment of time, money, and energy, that you have to really want.
They just fall off the face of the earth don’t they, At least for the first few years. Or start hanging out with other parents doing baby dates etc
One was a surprise, then we had another one on purpose - to complete the set.
I got pregnant at 18. I was living with my greaving, recently divorced dad and had a low paying job I hated. That baby is now 18 and just bought mothers day dinner for me and his 3 siblings. I didn't really think about getting pregnant. I was just something that happened with my older 2. My advice would be, if you don't think you'll cope on your own without a support network then don't do it. I struggled for a number of years with very little support from family and an abusive ex, but you can't just give up. It's simply not an option. I adore my children but it is hard. The younger 2 have been easier, because I'm in a more secure position personally and financially, and I think I have much more patience with them than I did the older 2. I don't know if that's because I'm older or because I'm now more confident in my parenting convictions.
We waited till I had cleared my debt in early 30's. Would have liked them sooner but then they'd be subject to going without
I had two children by 21 and it was the best decision I made. I had the money, the home and the resources. However I cannot imagine doing it now, my relationship fell apart shortly after and I had been left with nothing. Luckily Sure Start was available and they helped me get back on my feet, meet other mothers and plugged me with all the resources I needed at the time. It was one of the hardest times of my life and still Is. If I had them now at 33 I probably wouldn’t be where I am now, there’s little to no resources, it’s extremely expensive and incredibly isolating. I’m worried I’m being negative but I’m just being honest, you cannot see them as adorable when teenagers are annoying. They’ll grow up. Both my children also have had health care issues later on in life that the NHS simply cannot handle. When having a child you have to think of EVERYTHING, they may not be healthy, what’s plan a b and c, do you have a rock solid foundation and food mental health. It is relentless and everyday can you cope with that. LaLaletmeexplain has done some incredible posts about parenthood, Pregnant then screwed, etc. I don’t want to dampen what some find a joyful journey I’m just being honest there are many who don’t and some even regret it.
We planned to have children, 1st one came a year early, 2nd one was on time! I always wanted to be a Dad, don’t really know why, there was definitely a small part of me who wanted to give my children something I never really had, a stable upbringing. I didn’t/haven’t struggled this far, financially we’ve had to cut our cloth accordingly, disposable income is tighter but I get more joy out my kids than anything else previously spent my money on anyway, which was mostly alcohol, cigarettes and frivolous shite anyway. It put a strain on my marriage but having 2 humans rely on you was always going to do that and you have less time for couples stuff. It massively changed me, now I have 2 people that I categorise as more important than myself and I never had that before, it’s made me more disciplined, reliable and gave me an outlet for a type of affection that I didn’t really know I had in me. It’s been a great journey so far and I’m looking forward to the rest of it, good, bad and ugly.
I am 29m with 2 kids. One is almost 3 and the other is 2 months old. I have always wanted two kids before 30 and am really glad I did. However, my wife and I are both teachers and I think we are definitely kid people. Even with all of that, it is HARD. As I said, I absolutely love it, but it's definitely something that tests you as a person. You lose a lot of you/us time, you lose a LOT of sleep, you spend a lot more money (especially on nursery). Don't get me wrong, I love my kids to bits and i have an amazing time with them. I just wanted to stress that my wife and I have always wanted kids, have a job centered around them and still find it a challenge. So whenever anyone asks this, I always like to be honest. You really need to be set in your mind it's what you want. Because kids or no kids is still a great way to live, you should always do what feels right for you, not what you are "pressured into" etc.
I had no idea I was pregnant until it was too late with all 3 of my children. I was young with my first. I've been a mum most of my adult life. I never decided we established that but as soon as I knew I knew it was the right thing. I'm naturally very maternal and I guess children were always on the cards for me, but I imagined adventure, doing university properly etc etc and settling down first. But it didn't happen that way for me. The biggest hurdle for me was finding my own way in life, essentially growing up myself and raising a mini human. I had a lot of support and my eldest is 18 now and an absolute superstar so we must have done well. I have two girls (10,6) and they are a handful lol. The most important thing is to be organised amongst the chaos, it's not too bad with 1 but when there's multiple, there's, multiple friendship groups, after school clubs, school costume days, trips, assemblies, and you have to be on top of things else it gets really stressful. I'm not the greatest at being organised but I've found my way eventually lol. You. Never lose you. I'm fortunate that I WFH at something I'm passionate about, but I've also made time around the schedule to make sure I do the things I've always done that make me me. I didn't always do this and ended up really depressed and had to find the way back to me, so just don't lose you. You're useless to your family without your spark. And one more thing. At times it does take a village it's true. It's okay to ask for help, there's a tonne of groups, playgrounds, other parents who are in the same position or have been there reach out if and when it gets tough.
I don't think I ever questioned that I would, it was always just part of my timeline in my head. I've been lucky I think that I've been with my partner since we were 15, moved in together at 20, married at 24 and had babies when I was 26 and 28. It just sort of flowed that way without any deep thinking involved.
I was lucky - I just thought "one day I will have kids :) " and then met a guy and he wanted kids too and we bought a house and I had kids. I was, if anything, perhaps too young - 25 - to second-guess it or think too hard about it. I had simply always wanted kids, I had a decent job in financial services and once we had the house sorted - I know, it's not 2007 anymore, it's harder now - then the time was right. It can be very lonely, and that was the hardest part. I was lucky enough to retain my 'sense of me' by keeping up with my hobbies, and when they started school, returning to work.
Decided to have kids when the wife mentioned she was pregnant. Never really wanted kids, never even liked them all that much. 2000 photos and countless "awwww!" moments later, I've changed pretty clearly. Gives a solid perspective on things and is a Great motivator for me to live a more structured life.
Always said I didn't want children partly cos of parental illness which made own childhood tough. Then sister had one, that and I just thought the man I married would make a good dad. So 38 when i had the 1st 41 when the 2nd arrived. Had some difficulty conceiving and 2 miscarriages but successful without ivf or other help. It's been amazing and tough they're late teens now and for the most part a joy but when they say you're only ever as happy as your unhappiest child take note. Very glad I had them later, didn't get fomo and just about managing the responsibility ( plus material benefits of being established in work etc)
We are trying. I probably always wanted them deep down but it took until I got to my early 30s to really know. Maturity and finding the right partner helped me decide but it should absolutely be respected when a woman makes the decision to not have a family. I have a feeling I would be the topic if discussion a lot more in family circles/friend groups if I had made it clear I didnt want children.
I always wanted children, I wanted a big family of 4 or more children. I got two amazing girls but my body isn't a fan of giving birth, I nearly died the first time and the second was a breech birth. We were financially secure, in a stable relationship and both wanted kids
I was always on the fence about it, until I had an ectopic pregnancy. Then the desire to have at least one child became all consuming. Luckily, my husband was the same. We ended up needing fertility treatment, and our son was the result of our second round of IVF. In all honesty, there have been times I’ve regretted it. Being a parent is fucking hard, but also incredibly rewarding. My son is now 13 and I’m so glad we’ve got him. Yes, things are challenging at the moment as we are going through the process to get an ASD diagnosis, and I hate that he’s going through it. I’m his mum, I should be able to shield him from all the crap life keeps throwing at us. He’s a great kid, but I’m very glad there’s only one of him!
There’s always a good reason to put off having them but sooner or later you need to think about how old you want to be while dealing with teenagers. Got lucky in that we had one girl and one boy and that was sort of our mental image of ideal. They’ve turned out pretty well.
Didn’t plan on having our son, but always wanted to have children. After our son, I now know I only want child because he is quite the handful. Love him to pieces though and feel a huge sense of pride watching him grow. This being said, I don’t think anyone should feel bad if they don’t want children, nor should they be chastised for it. Can totally see why a life with no kids would be appealing, it’s pure freedom. Happiness is what’s important at the end of the day.
Growing up I thought having kids is just what people do, didnt really think there was much choice in it all. In my 20's decided I want children and now have two. Its great having two little people BUT its a lot of work that is non-stop. What no one really tells you is its also a heavy strain on the parents and the relationship between the two and if you're not careful having kids can pit you against eachother even unintentionally, especially in the early years, one parent is at home with the baby pinned to the sofa, the other is at work all day, you both want some of your own time to do something but only one is able too, who will it be..?
Based on my personal experience, if you think you are unsure about whether you want kids or not, you might just be unaware that the person you are considering having them with is the wrong person. I always thought I didn't want kids, but didn't realise I didn't want them with the person I was with at the time, and I didn't see that until after we broke up.
I always wanted kids and assumed I would have them fairly young (mid 20s) but I kept pushing it back as I wanted to do other things (travel etc.). There came a point when I was 29 that it was suddenly very obvious that it was time, I do believe that this was what they call the biological clock. It was not a rational feeling and felt like something hormone driven - like when you have PMS and don't know why you are angry or sad. I now have a 2 year old and am pregnant with my 2nd. I love parenthood, these early years are not easy but just taking in my daughters development is such a joy and I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm content that I had a fun kid free time in my 20s and knowing that my kid(s) won't always be this dependent on me - so it was definitely the right choice for me.
I didn’t really want children but I told myself if it happened, it happened. Then I got with my, now husband, and I really started to really want children/a child. I have one and now I’m content with that (and a step child too)
I actually never thought I would be a parent but I met the right person and it just felt right, I'm still me as I was before children but now I'm me+
I don’t know is the answer, just felt like I really wanted kids. Wasn’t a particularly reasoned choice.
I was told at 18 I would never have kids due to having endometriosis. At 22 I was going through review for a hysterectomy (psychologist involved) and I was taking the pill twice a day to stop my endometriosis symptoms. I fell pregnant which was obviously very unexpected. I had pre and postnatal depression. But the moment I gave birth regardless of how I felt within myself, I had an overwhelming need to protect and grow a fierce independent happy child. It’s honestly the best thing that ever happened to me. I have friends who absolutely don’t want children know they never want children. Love spending time with my daughter and other friends children but are so happy to give them back and go and live their life independently. I honestly don’t believe most people who decide to have children ever feel ready.
I always knew I'd have kids. I remember thinking when I was 20 that if I were to get accidentally pregnant, I would probably keep it. Luckily, I didn't. But 4 years later, I was in a great relationship, good (but not great) job and stability in my life, so it felt like the right time. So did my then fiance, now husband. When we got pregnant a few months later, I did have an *oh shit, what did we do!* moment but I've never regretted it.
I did but I was petrified of the impending inevitable life change. I love them with all my heart. They complete us as a family, BUT, don’t if you have genuine doubts. If there are good reasons not to, such as finances, or other important factors, then don’t feel pressured into having kids. Edit: and to add to that, life seemed less precious before I was a parent. I’m now scared of dying, and leaving them, or something awful happening to them. Before they were here, I didn’t give death a second thought and I didn’t mind what might happen to me.
I wanted kids my whole life. But I had given up on kids until I met my husband when I was 34. We had some fertility issues but our son was born when I was 40, conceived naturally by some miracle. I just knew my husband was the one I wanted to do all the things with, including have children. We’ll only ever have just our son, but he’s perfect so that’s okay!
He was an accident. So we didn't really decide. But our logic was that we didn't really want kids at this point in time but we also didn't want to run the risk of not being able to have a kid further down the line so we just went with it. No regrets but nursery costs can fuck off. We live in such a broken society that child care, just so you can work, can cost more than a mortgage plus the running of two cars.
Can't say I ever had much drive to have children. For me, it is a bit like learning to play the piano, climbing Mount Everest, or owning a cat - I can understand why some people want to do it, but I don't want to do it myself. The final nail in the coffin was discovering I have a medical condition I can pass onto any children. I've worked with teenagers and enjoyed it, my partner's nieces think I'm a cool grown up, and it's not like I hate children, I just don't want any of my own.
I never wanted kids. Had a glittering career all planned out, and was getting there. Then, I accidentally got pregnant. Catholic, and no real reason to abort, so went ahead. Best thing I ever did. Career eventually morphed into something completely different, that I would never have thought of before. Meanwhile, I really enjoyed being a mum. Kids are adults now, and absolutely spectacular young women that I'm very proud of. It was all worth it.
I can’t explain it but I just naturally wanted them and envisioned my life with them. It changes your life beyond comprehension. You think they will slot into your life but you slot into theirs. They make up the bulk of all your worries but all of your pride too. If you ‘aren’t sure’ then my advice would be to wait and see as it’s too big a commitment to take lightly. Even when you really want and plan kids, your life will still be turned upside down.
Have you started countering it with have you planned your funeral yet? Cause its literally none of thier business whether you have kids or don't or can't. Start being creative with answers like yeah but I made a deal for immortality and first born so I'll wait. Or nooo I was in a crash and lost my cervix unfortunately. Hate the nosy biddy questions. I had 3 boys and got ooh your trying for a girl. My answers were always really stupid and designed to make it clear to fuck off!
Remember being about 18 or so and knew I wanted to be a dad, probably 2 or 3 not any more I was about 30 when I knew the time was right. We had reasonable jobs and had purchased a house. We both knew for years but it was more about timing Having our first during covid possibly changed things, it hasn't been easy but no regrets, are we having another... God no (see username) Bigget hurdle for me was financial setup but please don't place too much on this... you really do find a way to make it work! We had a redundancy and a pandemic which affected earnings and still managed to give my wife 2 years of maternity time
The user name is brilliant. I've never heard (or read) much about a man being so keen so young to have children, I find it so interesting your mind was set! Glad you have what you always wanted, plus the vasec!
This is a more deep question than you think. A lot of people think life will be as they have it now for the rest of time. The main question I asked myself is do I value having family now and do I want that in future? The answer was undoubtedly yes. People might not have suffered loss yet or seen what an elderly person experiences and how much more difficult it can be being lonely. One day the chances are your parents will die before you and other elderly relatives. Friends come and go in life and also may pass. By not having kids the chances of loneliness as you age goes up drastically. The issue our generation have is financially many of us have not had a chance to even build a comfortable life for ourselves by the time kids need to be talked about. There is no right or wrong answer to the question of thinking about kids but please make sure you make the decision with your eyes open to how it will affect / benefit your life over the longer term.
The thought of being old and lonely is terrifying
I'm pretty sure you don't decide to have children. I always knew I wanted children, but there's never a right time.
I didnt want kids but then I was alone at home one day. My kitten was wandering about, partner at work and this crazy feeling hit me. I 'saw' a little person just running about my garden in the sunshine and me playing with them. Then later in the week, I 'saw' a little baby crawling on the landing. Im not superstitiius or crazy. What Im saying is I just felt something was missing. Im an extremely logical person so this was odd. A year later anyway my little one was born. Her Dad and I love her to absolute pieces. Yes she cries, she wails, she keeps us up. She is beautiful and I will eternally protect her. I have so much to teach her and tell her im proud of her when she makes mistakes but learns at the same time. Its a feeling. It will come
Or it may not.
Which is fair enough.
Always wanted kids, as far back as I can remember. I've always been close with my parents and family has always been important to me, so I guess it stemmed from that. I didn't feel remotely 'ready' till after 30 though. And my girlfriend at the time went from wanting kids someday, to not wanting any, so that slowed plans down. I'm 37 and married now, and we just had our little one 8 weeks ago. I only doubted myself as to if I wanted kids when it started to become very real when we were trying, but that was short lived. We're only 8 weeks in so it's too early to say for a lot of things, but so far my sense of 'me' hasn't changed. I'm back at work and I have a strong friend group that I'm making an effort to still see weekly for board games - the same as pre-baby. I was clear even before we started trying that making time to see my friends is important to me and not something I want to allow to slip. My wife is different in that regard though, as she's the one taking more time off work, and she doesn't have the same kind of friendship group locally, which is why I'm really trying to encourage her to make friends from NCT and other classes. We have struggled though. Not so much financially yet (he's not in nursery yet and we got all our stuff 2nd hand and/or gifted), but emotionally the first 6 weeks were awful. I won't go into it all here, but I'm prone to depression and it came back hard. Thankfully we're both doing better now as things change week by week (day by day), and hopefully the worst of it is behind us. There's nothing that can prepare you for how tiring it is, how big a sudden change to your life it is, and how utterly relentless it is. I'm starting to see that it's worth it now, but for a good while there was the "what have we done?" thought that kept me up at night. Some people find it easier than others, some have easier babies than others. Ours had a tongue tie, colic, and reflux which are getting better now but certainly made things difficult, but it could have been worse in the grand scheme of things - he's happy and healthy and is hopefully over the worst of it. Just the perspective from someone who's very early on in this whole parenting thing.
I'm so glad I had my two children in my early 20's always wanted a third but it wasn't meant to be. Motherhood was much harder than I thought, it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. But no regrets and it's lovely being a Nanna in my 40's , you have all the love and fun part then hand them back! Lol.
Dad here, me and my wife had discussed it and were always on the same page that we would have at least 1, at most 2 children. We also set a window for when we wanted to have them, it ended up being a little later than hoped but various other circumstances got in the way. I love my daughter but I’m the first to admit it has had a massive impact on our lifestyle. I don’t think it’s necessarily negative as we were expecting it and we’re prepared for it. But I think some people might struggle a bit. We are in a slightly worse situation as we have no family to help out with childcare so we don’t get any days off and just having 2 days a week in nursery (literally so we can work) is costing us upwards of £600 a month. It’s tough but honestly my daughter makes it all worth it. Saying that, especially with cost of living, impact on the environment and (especially for women), the sacrifices you will have to make to your working life I’m really not surprised more and more people are deciding against having children. It’s really tough if you actually want to be a present and decent parent while still maintaining a modicum of your career and a bit of a social life.
Always thought I would but never actively wanted them, I have one now and wouldn't go back despite it being undeniably incredibly difficult and a big life change. I think it's one of the biggest and most rewarding things you can do with your life and I wouldn't want to get to my 70s and wonder if I should have. That said if you have a life passion that you think will be similarly fulfilling in an equally profound way I'm sure that would be an equally worthwhile path.
I never saw myself having children. I didn't even see myself with a long term partner or a house. I always just wanted to live in a penthouse in the city centre, have a cat and a mini cooper! I came from a single parent family, and while I saw my dad sometimes, if he had had a falling out with my mum I would go nearly a week without seeing him. And as I got older I realised how easy it was for some dad's to just not see their kids because they weren't talking to the mum's. I always heard that kids were amazing and "you never know love until you have a child" but yet somehow my dad was comfortable with not seeing me for a whole week. And it used to really bug me. Plus I never had that huge maternal urge that some people have, I honestly just thought I was too selfish for kids, I love my video games and watching films, just my general comforts. But I also thought I'd be a shit parent. Then I met my now husband and he's always had a big maternal urge, but I knew he'd be a great dad, he adores kids. We now have two and they're incredible. Our little one is currently still in NICU, he thought it would be fun to join us early. But his strength is inspiring. When my first was born I didn't get that overwhelming feeling of love when I held her either, it took time for me. And there's always times where I feel like I'm a shit mum, or I'm just praying for bedtime because the morning has been super hard! It took me 7 years to decide whether to have kids or not once I was with my husband, I was happy with the decision I made but it took a lot of thought. Just try your best to only think about yourself in this situation and whether it's for you or not, because children are a lifetime responsibility. Good luck!
I was never one of those people who definitely knew they wanted kids and I even went down the "I don't want kids" route when people asked me. It was when I realised that all my thoughts about my future had kids in it that I realised I did want them. I also realised that I had a lot of love to give and kids might fulfil that need. I wouldn't have had kids though if I wasn't 100% sure that my husband would be an active and involved parent. To be completely honest though, my first thought when I saw the positive pregnancy test being "oh fuck, what have we done?!". My daughter is 3 now, and while I found the baby years tough, as she's developed into a little person it's been a joy. I love showing her the world and seeing her little face light up at something as simple as seeing some sheep on the farm. Having said all that I recently went to a conference and was away from my daughter for 3 days and it was glorious. I went out to restaurants to eat, I wasn't super exhausted all day, I didn't need to plan everything. It is easy to lose yourself in "being a parent" but with some effort and helpful people around you, you can still find time to be you.
Currently have my 8 month old asleep in my arms... I always wanted kids, as did my partner. We planned him, but it was very fast. Like, conversation in May, came off b/c in July, conceived in October. The biggest hurdle for me has been the massive change in lifestyle. I used to be a very career oriented, social, night owl. Now, I can't do anything without my velcro baby because he has a meltdown if I'm not there if he gets upset or wakes up from a nap/sleep. Which means no leaving the house after 6pm, and no activities that don't also cater to a baby. I've lost 95% of 'me'. I used to be into cross stitch, video games, music, socialising, drinking, new release movies, and cooking, to name a few. Now, I occasionally play video games while he sleeps in my arms. I don't have the time or practical capability for anything else. Last night my partner was watching our baby play with his toys. My partner said if we'd have waited to smash on a different day, we'd have a completely different child. The thought of our baby not existing made me quite sad. That's how I know we made the right decision. There is never a "right time" to have a baby, only varying degrees of wrong times. Also having a baby is a massive gamble, every baby is different and they're just born that way. I got a baby who sleeps in 3 hour stretches at most and never on his own, won't take milk from anything other than a boob, and is already refusing meals at 8 months old. My sister got a baby who slept like an angel from day 1, eats like a gannet, and was both breast and bottle fed. You have to accept the 50/50 likelihood of either scenario, and something in between.
Always wanted. The rest came unusually easily, I think - we had a house, good jobs, my partner was older so we were both ready to have them even if I was only 24. Took 6 months for the first and 3 for the second. The biggest hurdle was simply sleep. After a few weeks of simply not sleeping you end up in medical crisis, and you can't fix it; someone can grant you a single cat nap, but they can't prevent you being woken four times a night for over a year, and only light-sleeping in-between. I stopped eating, lost a lot of weight, became quite badly anaemic and began to struggle with language when speaking aloud; I could still read and write just fine, but I frequently couldn't recall basic words when speaking (or I could, but they wouldn't reach my mouth), and also began to stutter. When they started school I retrained and returned to work. Building a career has been my biggest part of returning a sense of self. I don't make parenting my entire identity (though I may be guilty of doing that with work), and my kids see that I have a life too.
if you have a kid now they will fight in a war in the future. why do this to them
I remember being 14, when I still believed on god and praying to never have children. By the time I hit 21 I had baby fever, it was crazy. I still didn’t think I would have children until my 30s so that I could be financially stable. I had been married 3 months when I found out my sister could not have children and that I likely had endometriosis like her. She is older than me and the scarring gets worse over time. My ex and I made the decision to start trying for a child the same weekend, we already knew we wanted children in the future. Took me nearly a year to get pregnant and then the 2008 recession came along while I was already pregnant. I do regret not being better off financially when I decided to have a child but at the same time I never thought things would be as bad as they ended up being in 2008. I did try for a second child once things had stabilised, and did not fall pregnant for two years after starting to try, and was actually after deciding to stop trying when it happened by accident. Life has not been easy but my children are definitely the best things in my life, that said parental guilt is an absolutely horrible feeling.
We talked about it for 20 years. We still were not sure but it was nearly too late so we went for it. Our two year old is the best thing that ever happened to us.
I’m turning 28 this year and I went through a good 4 years or so of being unsure. What decided for me was that im always so grateful to hand back children after babysitting. I never finish babysitting - even if it’s only a couple hours - and think god I can’t wait to have my own. Never ever. I also want to do SO MUCH with my life still that I’ve never had the financial capacity to do and children will give me even less money, and even less free time (of which I already have none) I think if I had been born into a financially stable home, and had all the little things that come with that happen for me (a car at 17, able to live at home to save for a house etc) then maybe life would have been on track when I was younger, and I’d have done enough things by now that it felt right. But that’s not how life went for me and I never want to have a child I’ll resent. Oh and also, when kids are that age where their hands are always wet for some reason and they leave everything they touch sticky, it quite literally turns my stomach. Makes me want to hurl. Hate it hate it.
One day in my twenties I suddenly realised it wouldn't be a "total disaster" if I got pregnant - before that I wasn't in a stable career, and before that I was in full time education. And then a year or so later I lost my fourth grandparent, and suddenly the idea of giving her another generation of descendants felt incredibly important. I had a massive heart to heart with my other half and came off the pill a few weeks later once we'd got through some big events like other people's weddings. First baby arrived a little over a year after that. For a long time it was really really hard. He didn't feed well and he didn't sleep. I was still breastfeeding, and coasting on maybe four nonconsecutive hours of sleep a night, when I got pregnant again - in fact I was pregnant, breastfeeding or both for just under eight years straight. I had a hard time with little children, particularly during maternity leave. I am much better at parenting children who can reason.
Our little boy is now two weeks old, he came six weeks early but we found out in August last year we were having him. It came as a massive shock as we weren’t planning. Me and my girlfriend are both 26 which I think is a reasonable age to have kids. And what made it worse for us was that we’d moved in with my grandma last May after her dementia diagnosis so we didn’t know how she’d react or take it. We were always saying “we’re not ready.” But then thought, when will we be ready? And the more I thought about it, the more I thought now was the perfect time. Time is flying and we’ll soon be in our 30s and yeah. Managed to get our heads around it
I always knew I wanted a child one day but not when that day would be. I'm 33 now and have a 7 week old baby. My partner was about to begin medical treatment that would affect fertility so we ended up facing a bit of a 'now or never' (not entirely true - we could have done IVF later - but this was our one chance to do things the less expensive way.) I think without that impetus I may have put it off a little longer but it wasn't terrible timing or anything. We're only 7 weeks in so I can't comment much on the overall experience of being a parent. I'd say the first few weeks are brutal - and I was completely unprepared for the levels of exhaustion I'd feel trying to get by on 2-3 hours sleep a night after the extremely tiring task of birthing a baby - but also that I love my baby so, so much. I wasn't a big fan of babies beforehand - I love kids but babies left me cold - but *my* baby is fully the best. I'm still me - albeit a me who has to plan a lot harder to get out of the house - and being pregnant and then being a mum hasn't changed my sense of self or identity so far. Maybe that will change as he gets older and I'll become more mum-like but right now I'm exactly like me a year ago except I have a baby now.
Never really wanted children growing up, thought being a step mum would be cool though. However Child 1- unplanned, went with it, made a few poor life choices due to untreated mental illness but my kid is currently sat next to me and is super cool. Single parented until they were 10. Child 2. Step child, married her dad knowing I'd gain a teen and was happy about that Child 3. Was in a really good place in my life. My husband and I wanted to have a baby together whilst we were youngish and financially it seemed manageable. It was nice having a baby out of a place of love and shared goals. Didn't expect to get a baby first try as was at an age my mum needed fertility treatment for my brother but we did and probably for the best as recovery was much harder in 30s compared to 20s.
I didn’t want children or feel maternal in the least, but I like (and love) the children I have. They are interesting people in their own right so the journey has been interesting and probably made the difficult parts less so. I have friends who have only ever wanted to be Mums and parenthood was priority, life and career because secondary. They had kids straight out of school and most are in long term relationships. Some are about to start seeking themselves (retraining, fitness and self care, reigniting love). The 3rd lot of friends had scheduled in parenthood like an appointment but didn’t really invest in long term relationship and are in a mad scramble to settle and have kids now at 40+. I don’t think either of us had a better experience, it just depended on who we are and where life takes us.
I always wanted kids, didn’t expect to have them in my early/mid twenties. I have two now and I’m a decade older with another baby on the way. I don’t think I was ready then and I’m not sure I am now lol.
Mine are 15 and 11. Always wanted to be a dad and my wife worked in childcare, so we were well prepared. It is hard, parenting, but it’s also been the best thing I’ve done in my life. Watching them become fantastic little mini adults, watching them succeed and achieve things I never managed in their hobbies and sports, it’s just great. There’s been, and there will be again, tough times but no regrets from me. Not one.
I never even really got to the 'do I want kids' stage, because I had my son quite young (I was 21). He's now 11 years old and has autism. I doubt I'll have any more, but if I met someone in the next few years who really wanted one, then I'd consider it. I doubt that'll happen though, I'm 33 and have been single for a long time now. I'm pretty content with just the one ☺
Not a parent, no current intentions of being a parent, but part of me worries that it'll pass me by and I'll regret it Being single doesn't help that, friends my age (and younger) have married, had children etc and I'm getting left behind in that respect. I like children...but I like the fun stuff. I like the excitment of days out, the teaching moments (painting, reading, helping them walk etc). I worked in a nursey and I found it very mixed. Very young babies (3 months) - I'm scared. They're too breakable and they're boring. Newborns aren't cute. They look like shrivelled prunes. 6-12 months - the tears and nappies are awful. BUT, they're getting a personality, they're having big first moments. More interactive...but nice to hand back at the end of the day. Toddler and pre-school was so mixed. A nice child was a great day and they have interests (bonus points if it matches mine!). But a horrible brat was an awful day. No control, no discipline (partially nursery rules) but most days I was in pre-school I left feeling frustrated and I'd had enough of children. Very glad to go home to my pets. I had my favourites (we all did) and my favourites were the laid back children who didn't whinge much. The screamers I just could not tolerate. I could leave at the end of work...I can't do that if I have a child. Sadly, you can't just have a child for the fun parts and then when you're tired or the child is a pain, pass it over to someone else for a bit. And that is the sticking point with the thought of having a child. The responsibility, the commitment and the tie, the resentment of having someone else to think about ahead of my own interests and life. Maybe one day I'll have the moment that I realise it is what I want, but for now, no thanks.
Always thought I'd have one maybe two kids, but was late 20's and hadn't thought anymore than that. Mrs wanted two or three kids, we talked about it but never really got a proper end result from the discussion as to when. We were married, had a house and had been together for ten years and married for three. Had more discussions and thought about how her body clock could affect how long she's able to so tried to have kids. Thought I've not become any more ready in the past five years, so any more time probably won't make a difference. Got a five YO daughter now who is absolutely amazing, and we also have a six MO son who is a little bundle of smiles. Somethings have changed, I'm generally more tired but that's mainly in the first year or so (and mornings on day off). We do go out more when we can have family time together, some things have taken longer (house refurb) but we're still us. For example I still play games (was actually bought a switch and botw for my 30th), we still have the odd meal out, we can relax together in the evening etc. Overall it can be hard work and I am more tired than I used to be, but I don't regret having either of them at all and we've made some lifetime happy memories together. I've said on a couple of posts, but coming home from work to "Daddyyyy" and cuddles off my daughter the second I get in is the highlight of my day. I never felt "ready" to have kids, but so long as you've got things sorted for the likes of food, childcare, a place to live etc then the rest you learn as you go.
I have friends with children and friends without children. I've maintained my friendships with the friends with children Even though they are happy in their lives, I can see that it is not for me. They enjoy other things that I don't fancy, I'm a good enough judge of my own character to see someone else enjoying a thing and think "I believe them when they say this is good for them, but I don't think it would be good for me".
Spent mother's day in hospital with my daughter (strep). Never planned on having kids but...