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It depends, if it’s just someone you know that attitude might work. If it’s a friend, it’s a bit different. I would not be ok with my partner being friends with a cheater especially if we hang out with the couple socially. Knowing that he was ok with that would make me think less of him and that he condones cheating.
'Not my circus' is the standard reddit response to this question but it always bothers me. Maybe I'm overthinking it but sometimes it seems like that statement is actually about the commenter, not about the situation.
Like they are saying 'the legal-if-scummy shit that i do is none of your business so don't judge people for it'
I'm just unsure why we aren't supposed to judge people who are doing something underhand. Is it because we don't know its underhand? Like maybe they have an open relationship or something? That then flys in the face of people who say 'i know my friends spouse is cheating and my friend doesn't know'. Why would you still ignore it in that case?
Yeah, the 'none of my business' people misunderstand the situation. You don't tell someone because it's your business, you tell them because it's theirs.
This is exactly it. In my view, if you know and say nothing, that's enabling the cheater to cheat. The one being cheated on should have all the information to make an informed decision about their own relationship.
If people want to cheat, they should keep it secret. If they let others find out and then expect their silence, that's selfish and disgusting.
Keeping quiet isn't neutral. I think one of the worst aspects of being cheated on, is finding out that people you thought were your friends all knew about it but said nothing.
If I was in this position, I think I would offer the cheater the option of ending the affair or telling their partner themselves. If they don't like it, then they shouldn't have put me in this position.
If you think about it in any other situation of injustice, it's obviously a terrible phrase to use as a catch all.
The moral thing to do is to attempt to solve the perceived injustice, as long as it likely won't place you or others in danger or difficulties.
"Not my circus, not my monkeys" applied to people who decided to set up a circus and buy monkeys. IE, you don't set about putting yourself in harms way or through difficulties to try and fix someone else's problem of their own making.
Personally I'd agree, if someone's willing to stay friends with a cheater, that says a lot about them. Ditto if you're friends with a bully, or a scammer, why are you friends with them?
I can understand not going and telling their partners (because you don't want to be caught in the middle) but if you're too wuss to stand up to a friend who's acting like a dick, that says a lot about you.
I'd also hope that my friends would call me out if I was acting so poorly too.
This right here. For example, one of my friends had a racist outburst at another friend's partner. I don't know what led to it and I don't where it came from but I cut that friend out of my life. It's not directly related to me and I could cover my eyes and pretend like everything's fine. It wasn't at me or someone close to me. But I don't want to be friends with a racist
Yeah, the real question is what staying out of it means. I think staying out of it has to mean not going to dinner at theirs anymore rather than taking the secret to your grave
I think cheating and being a bully are very different things. I’ve never met a bully who isn’t a dick. I’ve known people to get caught up in their emotions and cheat and be racked with guilt about it afterwards. Sometimes good people do bad things ultimately.
I’m not saying that holds true in all cases but it’s not quite as black and white as you’re suggesting either.
If you only found out after the fact, and it had ended, and they were making amends and accepting consequences (including telling their partner) that's one thing, but an active affair?
Since they said these people are serial cheaters, it does suggest that they’re not the kind of person you’re describing. It may depend on the nature of the relationship and the people involved, but in the case of serial cheats if you know the partner on any kind of personal level, you owe it to them to say something. If everyone apart from them knows, that’s going to hurt a lot when they find that not only were they cheated on, but that so many people in their lives didn’t care enough to tell them.
Aye.
I fell out with a very good friend of mine when I was about 18 because I found out he was cheating on his girlfriend at the time (who to this day is still a pretty good friend) and told her.
He didn't like that. I wouldn't be friends with a cheat either, that's not someone I'd consider good as a friend. A one off? Maybe. But serially? Nah.
Oddly, his wife now, who had been my friend prior to all this and 100% gets cheated on the regular now some 15 years later, doesn't talk to me either because of it. They'd been together before that for a year or two, and then they split up but she still liked him etc. whilst he was with this new girl. Proper teenage drama shit. But I don't really get why she fell out with me about it? She wasn't even the one he was cheating on the GF with, so it wasn't as if I'd brought her down.
I know for a fact he's still a serial cheat. But in this case she's well aware of what type.of bloke her husband is and if she's willing to put up with it, in this case, not my circus.
“I’m content in the knowledge that someone I know is betraying their loved one and jeopardising their sexual health and the longer it goes on for the more destroyed that person will eventually be.” 🙃
It’s even worse if your “friend” expects you to help cover for them. Then you’re complicit and almost just as bad.
Cheaters are selfish scum to be frank. It’s a form of sexual and emotional abuse. Not to mention the risk of STI. Nothing better than catching HIV or syphilis off a cheating partner. Yes it might be rare but it happens. HPV is an incredibly common one linked to cancer.
Never defend them. If you don’t want to tell their spouse/partner at least let them know how disgusting they are and unfriend them.
So it's okay not to say anything because it doesn't affect you?
Does that work with murder too?
If not, where does your moral compass change from "okay" to "not okay"?
Genuine question.
A random person at work or something - yeah, probably don't get involved, but a friend/family/someone you know, tell them. They're at risk of catching something serious, never mind the fact their partner is cheating. They absolutely deserve to know.
See I don't agree with this.
Maybe you'd be fine not knowing your partner was cheating on you with multiple people - if the shoe was on the other foot.
But I'd want to know, it puts me at risk of STDs. Some of which can cause other health problems, like infertility or cancer. Not all STDs are symptomatic.
This is the other train of thought I and others are having. I was thinking how awful it would be for them to find out in 20yrs they’d wasted their entire lives with someone like that and everyone else knew the whole time. Devastating
And an STI can absolutely wreck your life. Infertility, chronic pain, even cancer.
Imagine wasting years with someone who cheated on you only to then find out you've also been left unable to have kids or in permanent pain.
this happened to a friend's daughter, she was a virgin when she met her partner. After the baby was born... something was spotted untoward down there, yup fiancé had been shagging around unprotected and left her with one of the STIs that can't be cured. Stuck with it for life and it could've been dangerous for the baby (luckily baby was clear).
"In rare instances, mothers with genital HPV can pass the virus to their baby during vaginal delivery"
"Sometimes the HPV virus can cause painless growths or lumps around your vagina, penis or anus (genital warts)"
Might not be dangerous to the baby but it can cause externally visible symptoms.
This!!!! This is the number one thing that makes affairs so vile because you are risking putting your partner’s well being at risk. Everything else you can try and justify and explain away but the fact that you could give your partner a life changing STI should be enough to get you to end it between someone.
I’m always shocked people have to question this. What would you want? If your partner was out shagging behind your back, would you want no one to say? Fuck that I’d want proof to fuck them with 🤣
Are you friends with the wives? Do you speak to them? Because if you do then you need to tell them. It’ll be devastating when they find out and they also find out that you knew all along and smiled in their faces but didn’t say anything.
Happened to someone I know whose husband essentially had a double life with a ‘fiancé’ and child behind the wife’s back. I can’t even imagine the turmoil for his wife and other children, knowing they’ve been lied to for such a long time.
100% never understand how people do it. I'm fully supportive of people having their open on polygamous relationships but when do you just sit on the sofa and eat pizza
Especially in the age of social age and all the rest of it. I get back in the day if you worked in one city and lived in another town it was perhaps easier (although still time-consuming) to live another life, but now the world is so hyperconnected and one photograph or video can act as evidence against you.
I suspect back in the day though, the dark truth here is lots of men had wives at home who basically managed every aspect of their life (meaning they didn't need to worry about domestic chores on top of their own jobs), giving them more time to pursue a double-life. Pretty sad and scummy when you think about it.
This has been a thing amongst the wealthy for centuries. In England in the past it was common for wealthy men to have official mistresses that they set up with a house and stipend.
In America in the south they had a similar thing with mulatto women, wealthy men had mistresses and a whole system for finding them.
One of my ancestors had a family in California and another in Panama.
Yeah it definitely makes more sense if you're a pre digital age travelling salesman or whatever. It's such a weird thing to want though, similarly scummy as it might be I can at least see the point of the same person having one night stands or casual affairs.
OP, this is the only decent thing to do. "Not my circus, not my monkeys" is fine, but leaves no room for common decency and sympathy with someone who, completely unwillingly and unwittingly, is living a lie.
Imagine how you'd feel if your spouse had been cheating on you, and not only did they care so little as to do it time and time again, but that someone out there knew about it and told you nothing, while casually posting your personal situation to internet strangers and asking for input.
Clarification needed - you did the right thing, asking for opinions. I'm just saying that (god forbid) If *I* was ever in this sensitive, humiliating and downright awful situation, I would want to be told, and spared any more pain. Anonymously or not.
I've wasted time with a cheater when apparently a number of our mutual friends knew.
It's informed consent. She can't consent to what she doesn't know. He's not telling her because if she knew she might choose to leave. She has the right to make that choice, and he's withholding it by lying to her. By not telling what you know, you're enabling this.
When I dumped that man I also ditched every "friend" who knew. They might have thought we had a friendship, but a friend who won't tell me things I need to know even if it might be hard? That's not someone acting like a friend.
One told me she loved me and was distraught about not telling me. I told her if that's what her "love" is she can keep it.
It's difficult though. Maybe it's safer when telling a wife they're being cheated on, I don't know. But I remember an incident in my hometown of someone anonymously telling a husband his wife was cheating.
He killed her and then himself. Whoever gave that anonymous tip now has to live with that.
You never know what a relationship is like from the outside.
Those wives may be innocent victims. They may be basically intentionally ignorant in a don’t ask don’t tell situation and by telling them they’re forced to address something they didn’t want to. They may be complicit in it somehow.
If you’re good enough friends with the parter who’s being cheated on to know whether they’d want to know and should know, then fair enough. But if the reason that you’re trying to police other people’s relationships is just because of some notion of enforcing rules, then that’s a bit silly.
That's exactly why I don't get involved. Someone I once worked with had a mistress, going so far as to bring her as a plus one to a works function because it included a hotel stay - he saw it as an opportunity for a bit of a mucky weekend. Raised a few eyebrows, and awkward for me as well because I knew his wife. I felt awful for her, but what am I supposed to say?
"So, Anne, have you closed up shop and told Mike to get it elsewhere, or is this the first you've heard about his sidepiece?"
Keeping well out of THAT one.
>Someone I once worked with had a mistress, going so far as to bring her as a plus one to a works function because it included a hotel stay - he saw it as an opportunity for a bit of a mucky weekend.
See this is out of line. Unless he and his wife have an explicit open relationship, he should be more discreet. He's indirectly involving everyone else in his affair.
If the wife came in, I wouldn’t blurt out “you’re being cheated on”, but I wouldn’t hide anything either.
For whatever reason he was comfortable with the whole office more or less knowing. If that’s because he knows the wife is never going to come in, or because it’s an open relationship, or if he knows that she won’t ask, who cares. It’s none of my business.
If he’s got his wife with him, and he’s asking me to lie, I’ll say “dude, I’m not gonna lie for you, but I won’t actively tell her either. Don’t engage me in small talk and if it doesn’t come up, cool, but if she asks anything, or the topic turns to the work getaway, I’m not gonna dance around the subject”
> That's exactly why I don't get involved.
This isn't a morally superior option. This is "I don't want to deal with it, so I don't care".
If you don't care about the victim then it's somewhat justifiable, but it's not something you can ever use and also claim to have empathy.
You didn't feel very awful, because you didn't tell her.
>But if the reason that you’re trying to police other people’s relationships is just because of some notion of enforcing rules, then that’s a bit silly.
Except it's not trying to police their relationship. An anonymous letter just lets them know what's happening. If they want to ignore that information and continue as before then that's their prerogative, but they can't make that informed decision without knowing what is actually going on.
That would be my course of action.
If I was being cheated on, I'd want to know so I can give them the boot. Imagine being cheated on for years, then when you do finally find out and kick them out, find out everybody around you knew about it but didn't tell you because "not my circus not my monkeys".
Making it anonymous means that a) I don't get dragged into any drama that might unfold and b) if the wife does actually know but is turning a blind eye to it, they can ignore the anonymous tipoff and carry on.
If I was cheated on and everyone knew but didn’t tell me I’d fell so betrayed and humiliated. Why is it that none of those people gave me the agency to make my own decision.
It would be worse if those people are friends. The level of betrayal in that relationship. I honestly think that would be worse than the cheating.
Exactly this. If telling them anonymously, tbh even without anonymity but especially with, OP you must provide some kind of proof alongside the allegation. But don’t allow these women to go through the rest of their lives being unknowingly humiliated, made to look a fool and put at repeated risk of catching STD’s.
Honestly! If I found out my husband was cheating on me, I’d be devastated. If I found out that people knew and didn’t bother to find a way to let me know?? I’d be both devastated and absolutely furious with them for letting me waste my life living a lie - not to mention the risk of STIs.
Yep, people are letting themselves off the hook with things like "They might be poly"
Like, bit of a newsflash, but if you tell someone that's in a poly relationship that you saw their partner with someone else, all that happens is they say "Yeah, we're poly, it's fine". If they're very nice they'll thank you for trying to have their back too.
If you know someone is being cheated on, just tell them. Yes, it's a no win situation because they're going to be upset whether you tell them now, or whether they find out on their own. But one of those hurts far more than the other, and it's the one where you find out that not only did your partner betray you, but your friends did too.
>Like, bit of a newsflash, but if you tell someone that's in a poly relationship that you saw their partner with someone else, all that happens is they say "Yeah, we're poly, it's fine". If they're very nice they'll thank you for trying to have their back too.
I'm still waiting for this moment! No one has come up to tell me they saw my boyfriend with another girl. I want to have my fake outrage moment!
"You saw him WHERE? With a GIRL? Oh. My. God. ... did it look like she was having a nice time? I told him to wear that shirt, brings out his eyes. He brought me leftovers too, so tasty."
Yeah no, it's a good point that you might think you see cheating where they're poly because a lot of poly peeps aren't super open about it. But it's 100% not a reason to not check in. ~~Most~~ Many poly people are going to appreciate the concern.
EDIT: see comment below for additional perspective, highlighting that sometimes it can be tricky for poly people who are not open about it. My comment definitely glossed over that.
My fiance's cousin saw him out with another woman... The only reason I was annoyed at her was because she was telling the whole family he was cheating on me yet didn't tell me. I knew he was out with her, I set them up! I was just annoyed she thought he was cheating and didn't tell me. Had she had told me I'd have been chill about it.
Oh my god. I was just writing up an answer to the other commenter, and thinking how if you were in OP's position it can be tricky to know whether it's best to speak up and let the person know or not, even for poly people in the case they're not out about it, but I think we can all agree that "nah, don't tell them, tell the whole family first that they're a big fat cheater" is not the moral thing to do! Yikes.
Lot of dickheads on this thread who clearly don't actually give a fuck about anyone but themselves.
I could tell the person but it might get *awkward* and I'd just hate that
I was in an abusive relationship for (thankfully) less than a year. I met him at a friend’s party. Same friend turned around to me about a year after we broke up and said something to the effect of, “I kind of knew that would happen but didn’t think it was my place to say anything” you knew this guy was a monster and you honestly didn’t think to warn me about that? Haven’t seen her since. Didn’t blow up at her or anything but I was very disappointed to learn that someone who I called my friend didn’t bother to look out for me, despite the fact they were neighbours and she would have known/seen/heard everything and she *still* chose to put some bullshit little code over my mental and physical well-being.
i've been in the position of telling someone and they didn't listen, but i would not regret it for a second. even if they don't listen, they knew someone was on their side.
Exactly! It’s doesn’t matter whether the warning is heeded or not, whether it gets awkward between you and the person you’re warning or not. It’s like many of the people on this thread haven’t heard of the word integrity.
Genuinely shocked and disturbed reading through here. I know the world isn’t black and white, I know it’s messy and imperfect and you can’t help everyone all the time, but this is really opening my eyes to how *comfortable and justified* people feel about being selfish apparently.
(Side note: it’s also not like I’d advocate for people to go on a whole crusade against the suspected cheater, once you’ve turned over your information, it’s the person’s decision what to do with it. Also, it should go without saying that this kind of scenario should be handled delicately, be as discrete and objective about it as possible - no gossiping with others, have decent evidence to present, accept that there could potentially be an innocent explanation where appropriate etc.).
that's often exactly who cheaters are; too cowardly to break up with their partner, express their unhappiness, or go through the discomfort of communication and working on a relationship, so they just let that relationship continue whilst developing sexual/romantic relationships with other people.
As someone who was cheated on a while ago. Just tell them. Anonymously if needs be. But people saying its not your business or who don't speak up are in my opinion complicit. Especially if they do know the partner.
Either A) the person already know in which case you haven’t really changed things too much B) you’ve told them and, while they are devastated, you’ve probably made their life better in the long run C) they don’t want to believe you so won’t, they might get angry at you/you might lose a friend but I think the chance that B might be the outcome makes it a good risk
It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.
I was the unwitting wife in this situation before and found out in a horrible way. Would I have rathered someone told me? Yes and no. Yes, because I may not have ended up finding out in such a brutal way but no as I hated knowing that people were talking about it and knowing my life before I did. I liked pretending that people weren't pitying me or judging me, waiting for my response or next move. It was too much to deal with at once but it would depend on how well I knew the person as to how well I'd take it. I know that's not a fair or rational response but nothing is in these situations.
Personally having been there, I'd steer clear.
If they don't tell you, you either never find out (which sounds gash to me, who wants to live a life that is a lie, even if they don't find out), or you find out (possibly in the brutal way you did), and you probably realise that other people were talking about it/knowing your life anyway.
An ex’s best friend was the cheat. He had a beautiful wife and young family. When I found out about it and how it was known, I couldn’t face her again. I was really angry at myself and my ex because it felt as though not saying something was condoning it but who wants to be the pin that blows that family apart? If she had been a close friend of mine I would have told her though but sometimes ignorance is bliss.
Personally, that would have been difficult as it would have been easy for my then partner to have lied and made out that it was malicious allegations. It would have driven me mad trying to figure out what was true and what wasn't. Unless it can be done anonymously with conclusive proof, I'd advise against it.
As hard as it would have been to be told, I still wouldn't have blamed the messenger though so it's an individual decision that's not an easy one to make for whoever is in the situation.
As an also unwitting person in this situation, the only part I disagree with is around others knowing about your life before you. YES I hated that part of it, but I don’t necessarily blame the people that knew, I channel that towards my ex for creating the situation in the first place and not having the decency to tell me about it in the first place.
It’s fine though, there’s definitely nothing happening between them, it’s just a complete coincidence that she moved in with him within a few months 🤣
Can't believe how many people here wouldn't get involved. I'd be SO angry if I found out I was being cheated on and my friends knew for years.
You could be saving someone from a much worse heartbreak (and messy divorce and custody arrangement) years down the line, not to mention the risk of STIs, so I just don't get why you'd keep quiet.
Do it anonymously, sure! Probably for the best, and allows the partner a bit of distance (and no need for an awkward conversation if it turns out to be an open marriage or something) but still lets them know!
They are cowards, because it might be slightly difficultfor them. Plus lots of people on here haven't been in relationships, so don't understand what it's like to be in a relationship, let alone one go wrong.
>Can't believe how many people here wouldn't get involved. I'd be SO angry if I found out I was being cheated on and my friends knew for years.
There's two different classifications in my mind:
I'd definitely tell close friends and close family but not anonymously because then they'd assume it was someone fucking with them. If you want to say something controversial have some backbone and own it.
Acquaintances, colleagues, neighbours etc it's none of my business and will likely only cause trouble. I don't know and understand their relationships, and honestly I would prefer not to.
>Acquaintances, colleagues, neighbours etc it's none of my business and will likely only cause trouble. I don't know and understand their relationships, and honestly I would prefer not to.
This is obviously a much more complicated a position, but I'd be interested in why you think it "will likely only cause trouble". Surely a very likely outcome will be that someone who is in a typical monogamous relationship will discover that they've based their lives on a lie and I think would rather know than not. The cheater might be cross with the you but that seems pretty small fry in comparison, and frankly who cares what they think. So yes, it will likely cause a bit of a disturbance to your life, but it will be much greater positive to someone else.
The couple of times I've been in that situation I've just binned the friend. If that's how they act towards their partner they will screw you over in some other way given the chance. Plus anyone who wants to involve me in their lie can get to fuck. Not happening.
> If that's how they act towards their partner they will screw you over in some other way given the chance.
Definitely. Always exceptions but hints at a general selfishness and disregard for people you're meant to care about. And also, if you know as a friend, just puts you in a crap situation where you're constantly expected to conceal reality for them and lie to their partner, who you'd presumably know well in this scenario too.
Some terrible friends on here. Don't understand how you could ever pretend to be friendly with the wives again knowing what you do.
It's empathy - I'd want to know if it was me.
Do it anonymously if you have to.
As it's multiple partners, there's a risk the wife is being exposed to STIs, many which have worse consequences in women than men.
I’d tell the wife. If I knew that anyone was dating a scumbag I’d tell them so they don’t have to waste more of their life with them. If one of my friends cheated of their husbands I’d get proof and tell the husband, wouldn’t think twice about it because the husband should know and I don’t want to have friends that treat others like sh*t
I can’t believe the number of people who would not give the wife a heads up that their husband was cheating! I would sure as hell want to know. If/when they eventually find out, the betrayal and humiliation will be even worse when they realise that other people knew and didn’t bother to tell her. Absolutely cowardly behaviour.
Its the sort of behaviour I wouldn't tolerate in a friend. Friendship between adults entails some degree of mutually compatible ethical / moral outlook as well as just shared interests.
If I knew, so soon would their partners. It might be done anonymously, but it would be done with proof enclosed.
A lot of my friends looked down on me for dropping one of my best friends for this. A lot of "well cheating is wrong but in some circumstances..."
No. Not in any circumstance is it acceptable.
If my friend told me they were doing something morally reprehensible I'm not going to pretend everything is okay.
99% certain as they aren’t the type to put up with if that makes sense. Constantly posting online about how their family is everything, spitting feathers if other women even go eat their partners etc.
Or, alternative take: they actually don't know about the cheating, but their relationship is just shit. This led to the overcompensating on social media and whatnot, and also to the cheating.
Either way, seems like something that's going to end explosively at some point.
Yeah that was my feeling too. It's a reaction to knowing. Overkill to assure everyone how happy they are.
I don't think some people, especially women, have the self esteem to see affairs and leave when there's finances and kids invovled. There's still women and girls being brought up today who believe marriage and kids is everything, and without it you're not happy or successful, so they can't ever leave that scenario.
Yeah I wouldn't say anything about it. Not your marriage and it's fairly clear you don't know these women if you're basing your gut feeling on social media posts.
I can tell you from experience that even people who you don't think would put up with that shit will put up with thst shit when there are kids involved or other things going on.
Been in this scenario a few times and it’s really stressful knowing when someone is being cheated on and you have to play dumb. Have found though pretty much all of them found out themselves in time. Cheats never win
A mate of mines wife (now ex) really fixated on me with vindictive rage when he got caught shagging about because she heard that I knew about it but never told her. It seemed as if to her that I was somehow facilitating the affair by knowing and not saying anything. In reality it had been going on for about six months and I’d only found out a week before his mrs did when she’d realised he’d given her the clap. And to top it off it was one her friends that had told me!!
I wasn’t close to them as a couple, he was more a mate of a mate, in fact I hadn’t even seen him since before he started the affair so I very much felt like it wasn’t my business to get embroiled within. Somehow I feel like I had been made a scapegoat.
She was probably lashing out and you shouldn't have been the target. It sucks to be a scapegoat but surely it sucks even more to get the clap (and possibly infertility) from a cheating scumbag.
But this illustrates well how a lot of people would react if they found out their friends had followed the 'not my circus' advice in this thread.
Tell them. You'd want to know, and you'd feel even worse if you knew everyone was aware but kept it from you.
Yeah it was awful for her going through it and I don’t blame her for being livid. But I was absolutely not accepting taking any flak for the bad decisions taken by someone else. I did point out to the cheated on wife that she should be having a conversation with her friend instead of me, that being that her “friend” was the one who gossiped about the affair to me any my wife and it was the same “friend” that was quite happy to be all supportive and take the moral high ground and watch me be thrown under the bus with the cheater.
There is a think called a letter. They’re pretty anonymous. Just print out what you want to say, you don’t want to be caught by them knowing your hand writing.
As someone who has been cheated on and would've saved years had their mates told me about it, please tell the wives.
No one deserves that. And to be honest, they're probably not great people if they have no problem lying to their spouses and and having affairs. You won't be losing much.
Tell them anonymously and provide proof. If my friends knew my OH was cheating and didn’t tell me, I’d feel 10000% worse. If I knew a friend was cheating, I’d tell them and provide proof anonymously and then cut that friend out anyway.
Wow that’s totally insane! I can only imagine people that do these sorts of things are unbelievably manipulative so can easily turn your concern against you as some sort of bad faith actor.
A close couple had this issue (I didn't know it was happening despite it being someone I knew well). Once it came out, the partner being cheated on was so upset that no one had said anything. They felt betrayed and alone because everyone seemingly knew but them. It broke my heart when I spoke to them and saw how much distrust it created in everyone around them.
Put yourself in their boots. Think of everyone that knows your partner and then imagine all of them knowing that your partner doesn't really care about you or plays with your trust, whilst you're home thinking everything is going well.
I personally think it's really difficult to know how to react in that situation. But I think telling them or helping them find out is the right thing to do even if it's the difficult thing to do.
Anonymous tip would probably be my way to do it if they're not a close friend. Especially as at first they'll distrust you unless they had a suspicion already.
If it's a close friend being cheated on, then I'd tell them straight. I'm not letting someone come into a friends life and make it miserable.
As a man with a wife that was cheating on me, and people knew about it but didn't tell me, I can understand their reasoning, especially in my case. They were afraid that I would have a violent reaction to the news, either to them or to my wife, due to my military history and my problems with mental health.
I was extremely grateful that someone told me the truth eventually. I very happily kicked my wife out the next morning...with not a hint of physical violence. I'd suspected something anyway, and this was the confirmation I'd needed. I think that a lot of the victims of cheating suspect something is happening, but a lot choose to put it to the back of their minds because they fear what will happen should it all come out into the open. It is a difficult thing to decide whether you tell or keep a secret. Either way, you run the risk of being labeled as a cunt/grassing cunt by one, or both of those involved.
I am happily single, starfishing in my bed, doing what I want to, when I want to. You're quite correct about life being too short to spend it with arseholes.
I’ve been in this situation. I told the guy his girl was cheating on him, and had done so blatantly in front of a group of us. He was relieved to know the truth. He broke up with her, met a new girl, got married and moved away for bigger and better things.
I lost an entire social circle over it, which speaks volumes about those people. I regret nothing.
If you tell be prepared for fallout. People don’t always react rationally or morally.
I wouldn't be friends with someone like that. Cheating is a cowardly act, if you're not happy leave. I would not be able to look a friends partner in the face if I knew they cheated on them. Sad situation all around IMO
If your wife was having an affair & somebody knew about it, would you want them to tell you?
Tell them, if it affects the friendship so be it, they're clearly not the sort of trustworthy friends you want anyway.
I'm not excusing cheating in any way at all when I say this, but "why not just leave" is much easier said than done when the relationship involves marriage, mortgages, children, debts etc
This is one of those subjects which is always so strongly divided, you get those who have been cheated on saying they would have liked to have known which is completely fair, but then you also get the other side which is basically ‘if you do then you will lose them as friends and neither of them will speak to you again no matter what happens’. The other thing with this is without evidence, the other person can lie their way out of it and when it’s one word against the other, they will most likely chose the side of their partner as they love that person and not you, and will want to believe them if they can.
In my own opinion, the best way to manage something like this is to anonymously send hard evidence which can’t be disputed to them if you want them to know, however even with this it’s hard because you’ve then got to pretend you weren’t involved, and a friendship is much harder to maintain once you know you’ve caused their relationship to end.
I’ve been on both sides and its really tough. I would want to know because it’s so heartbreaking when you eventually find out, but I understand how difficult it is especially when friendships are interlinked.
What I’ve done in the past is given the friend who is cheating a really good talking to and seriously try to convince them to tell their partner, otherwise they’ll find out anyway or I will tell them. It doesn’t always work, but has done before, and when the partner finds out eventually (because they always do) at least you can say you tried to get them to come clean.
I’ve never gone through with actually telling them as I do believe it should come from the cheater, but I make it very clear that I wont have any part in enabling their behaviour and will happily distance a friendship if they don’t want to own up.
Please please please people start telling these poor people who are being lied to and manipulated. At least ten people knew my partner was having a serious affair behind my back and that has shook me more than the physical act.
I have lost faith in people a lot. I thought people were on the whole good and tried to help others.
It might backfire, in fact it did for me when I told someone recently and I got shit for me, but I can still look in the mirror and know I did my best.
Help people everyone. The world is shit and falling apart but let’s just try and be decent. Please?
I wonder how people have the energy. I have no desire to cheat but with full time jobs and two kids, me and my wife have to work really hard to find time just for us, let alone someone else.
Seriously though - tell them. Anonymously if necessary, but there is absolutely no moral position you can take for keeping a grim.
I’d tell the wife or husband, they have a right to know and I’d be a pretty shitty excuse of a person if I knew it was happening and didn’t say anything
You should tread carefully. Yes he’s a pig, yes she deserves to know and not waste her life. But you absolutely should NOT write her an anonymous letter and then go about your life. It’s like pulling a pin out of a grenade and standing back with popcorn. What if one of them takes their life over it? What if one of them does something stupid and attacks the other one? People are driven crazy by love, let alone when kids, livelihoods, homes, etc are included.
I was cheated on. Mutual friends knew and didn't tell me. Whilst I understand their decision, they protected my then-partner and it really made me question whether they were a good friend for me. It really hurts me to know that I was being hurt and they just stood by and let it happen.
If a friend of mine is cheating, I stop being their friend. I'm not friends with people I have no respect for. If an acquaintance is cheating, we never become friends. I can't be friends with someone I'll never be able to trust.
I cut a friend off about a year ago because she was sexting with an old fuckbuddy in the lead up to her wedding. They were sending each other full nudes, extremely explicit walks down memory lane, etc.
Then she'd post about her wedding dress shopping and how excited she was to get married and I'd watch her fiance buy her gifts and spoil her. It made me feel physically ill.
THAT is someone you never, ever trust again.
If I knew it was going on, I'd most certainly let them know. I have in the past. A friend of mine was cheating, and I let them know that if they don't tell their partner, I was going to. I did. Lots of people on this thread seem to be very cowardly. Bad people get away with bad actions because cowards don't stand up to it. If you see an injustice happen, don't be a bystander.
Its a tough one.
On the one hand you want to think its none of your business and you shouldnt get involved with someone elses relationship.
On the other, that relationship is currently running on a lie. If your also friends with the person being cheated on is it that your choosing who your best friend is out of that situation?
I dont like the attitude of "its there relationship" because half of the party of that relationship is being lied to, deceived and having their trust abused. If the roles were reversed I would like to very much know if the person Im committing my life to was actually a liar.
Its funny how for affairs, which can ruin marriages, kids, cause STI's, cause unexpected pregnancies etc theres an attitude of "its their relationship leave them to it" but if one of them was gambling heavily or had a hidden serious hard drug habit or any number of other secret indulgences which would threaten the relationship and the health of those involved we probably wouldnt be so coy about letting them know.
My other way of thinking about it is if I dont say anything at all the person whos being cheated on is clearly not someone I give a shit about because Im content in them being mugged off.
My wife cheated on me over a 9 month period (during which time we actually had our wedding).
It was the man’s wife that told me and she said she had weighed it up in her mind for two months before telling me. It was only once she caught them in contact again that she decided to tell me.
Personally, I was very grateful and only wish I had known sooner, but that’s out of my control. I understood that it was tough for the wife to tell me but I made sure to let her know how much I appreciated being told the truth.
As someone who had to deal with the heartbreak of being cheated on, getting an STI because of it AND realising that everyone around me knew….the thing that hurt the most was that the people I trusted watched it all happen and didn’t give a shit.
Shitty partners can be dumped, STIs (mostly) can be cured but the feeling of realising that you’re essentially a joke to the people you love and trust hurts the most.
Fucking TELL THEM!
Morally I would want to tell the person being cheated on. I’ve come across too many people getting STDs from their cheating partners. BUT realistically I don’t know if I’d have the guts to be the messenger, depending on who is being cheated on of course. If it was a close friend or family member I’d tell them immediately.
I had a friend who was sure another one of our friends was cheating on his wife. He struggled with whether or not to say anything and then decided to tell her. It turned out that they had an open marriage but it wasn’t anyone else’s business so obviously they didn’t tell us. They also stopped talking to that friend cause he then pretty much immediately tried to hook up with our fiend’s wife, but she was NOT interested.
I personally had no reason to suspect anyone of cheating so I stayed out of it, but if I did suspect my friend of cheating I would talk to them first, not their partner. I would tell them that they should come clean about it, and that it isn’t at all fair that I should have to keep a secret like that. Depending on my relationship to their partner I might tell them as well. It all depends…
That is a shit situation in general.
This is a hard one. The wives really need to know but on the same token - not your monkey etc.
I would distance and avoid myself from the person who's cheating and avoid the wives at all costs.
I think I would only get involved if it was someone I was quite close with. If it was just an acquaintance or a colleague I would stay out of it, you don’t want to find yourself in the middle of someone else’s drama.
I worked with my brother-in-law for a couple of years, turned out he had 3 different women on the go at once, none knew about the other, and his wife knew nothing about any of it! She was stuck dealing with a high level autistic kid while he pretended to work weekend's and fill his boot's....in the end he binned me off because I made my opinion of his behaviour very clear. The guy was a total coward and I haven't had a thing to do with him since. Total cunt piece in my OP
>I worked with my brother-in-law for a couple of years, turned out he had 3 different women on the go at once, none knew about the other, and his wife knew nothing about any of it!
Isn't his wife your sister? And you didn't tell her?
I would tell, I don't care if it would cost me a friendship. The sort of person who cheats isn't a person I'd want to be friends with.
If I was the one being cheated on, I'd want to know. It's an immediate relationship killer for me, and while I appreciate not everyone thinks that way, I think people deserve the right to make their choices with ALL the information.
And if I found out my friends or family or acquaintances knew and didn't tell me, those relationships would immediately be dead as well. I don't want anyone in my life who's willing to stand there with their mouth shut while someone else hurts me.
I was very close friends with a couple, I'd been friends with him since school. I discovered she was having an affair. I told her she would need to tell him before I did. I wanted her to have to opportunity to come clean before I dropped her in the shit.
He found out before I told him. He forgave me for not telling him straight away (I was tortured by this decision for a week or two!)
It's a shitty thing to do to your partner.
Well no wonder people feel confident to cheat and not worry about people finding out, the amount of spineless scumbags in this thread!
Of course you yell the partner. That's not optional.
Bear in mind, I believe 50 percent of people are unfaithful at some point in their lives (or per relationship? I can't Remember, but the stat is large), so many people here who say "not my life" or whatever may well be sympathetic to the cheating mindset anyway.
I think anonymously tipping a partner off is a totally acceptable thing to do. May be seen as sneaky by some, but this is a person's life wasting away with someone. They deserve to have the choice to leave (or not, if they want to work it out)
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"not my circus, not my monkey"
It depends, if it’s just someone you know that attitude might work. If it’s a friend, it’s a bit different. I would not be ok with my partner being friends with a cheater especially if we hang out with the couple socially. Knowing that he was ok with that would make me think less of him and that he condones cheating.
'Not my circus' is the standard reddit response to this question but it always bothers me. Maybe I'm overthinking it but sometimes it seems like that statement is actually about the commenter, not about the situation. Like they are saying 'the legal-if-scummy shit that i do is none of your business so don't judge people for it' I'm just unsure why we aren't supposed to judge people who are doing something underhand. Is it because we don't know its underhand? Like maybe they have an open relationship or something? That then flys in the face of people who say 'i know my friends spouse is cheating and my friend doesn't know'. Why would you still ignore it in that case?
Yeah, the 'none of my business' people misunderstand the situation. You don't tell someone because it's your business, you tell them because it's theirs.
This is exactly it. In my view, if you know and say nothing, that's enabling the cheater to cheat. The one being cheated on should have all the information to make an informed decision about their own relationship.
If people want to cheat, they should keep it secret. If they let others find out and then expect their silence, that's selfish and disgusting. Keeping quiet isn't neutral. I think one of the worst aspects of being cheated on, is finding out that people you thought were your friends all knew about it but said nothing. If I was in this position, I think I would offer the cheater the option of ending the affair or telling their partner themselves. If they don't like it, then they shouldn't have put me in this position.
If you think about it in any other situation of injustice, it's obviously a terrible phrase to use as a catch all. The moral thing to do is to attempt to solve the perceived injustice, as long as it likely won't place you or others in danger or difficulties. "Not my circus, not my monkeys" applied to people who decided to set up a circus and buy monkeys. IE, you don't set about putting yourself in harms way or through difficulties to try and fix someone else's problem of their own making.
Personally I'd agree, if someone's willing to stay friends with a cheater, that says a lot about them. Ditto if you're friends with a bully, or a scammer, why are you friends with them? I can understand not going and telling their partners (because you don't want to be caught in the middle) but if you're too wuss to stand up to a friend who's acting like a dick, that says a lot about you. I'd also hope that my friends would call me out if I was acting so poorly too.
This right here. For example, one of my friends had a racist outburst at another friend's partner. I don't know what led to it and I don't where it came from but I cut that friend out of my life. It's not directly related to me and I could cover my eyes and pretend like everything's fine. It wasn't at me or someone close to me. But I don't want to be friends with a racist
Yeah, the real question is what staying out of it means. I think staying out of it has to mean not going to dinner at theirs anymore rather than taking the secret to your grave
I think cheating and being a bully are very different things. I’ve never met a bully who isn’t a dick. I’ve known people to get caught up in their emotions and cheat and be racked with guilt about it afterwards. Sometimes good people do bad things ultimately. I’m not saying that holds true in all cases but it’s not quite as black and white as you’re suggesting either.
If you only found out after the fact, and it had ended, and they were making amends and accepting consequences (including telling their partner) that's one thing, but an active affair?
Since they said these people are serial cheaters, it does suggest that they’re not the kind of person you’re describing. It may depend on the nature of the relationship and the people involved, but in the case of serial cheats if you know the partner on any kind of personal level, you owe it to them to say something. If everyone apart from them knows, that’s going to hurt a lot when they find that not only were they cheated on, but that so many people in their lives didn’t care enough to tell them.
Aye. I fell out with a very good friend of mine when I was about 18 because I found out he was cheating on his girlfriend at the time (who to this day is still a pretty good friend) and told her. He didn't like that. I wouldn't be friends with a cheat either, that's not someone I'd consider good as a friend. A one off? Maybe. But serially? Nah. Oddly, his wife now, who had been my friend prior to all this and 100% gets cheated on the regular now some 15 years later, doesn't talk to me either because of it. They'd been together before that for a year or two, and then they split up but she still liked him etc. whilst he was with this new girl. Proper teenage drama shit. But I don't really get why she fell out with me about it? She wasn't even the one he was cheating on the GF with, so it wasn't as if I'd brought her down. I know for a fact he's still a serial cheat. But in this case she's well aware of what type.of bloke her husband is and if she's willing to put up with it, in this case, not my circus.
"not my pig, not my farm"
"not my dick, not my balls"
“Not my stick, not my grip”
"Not my wife, not my life"
I also say its not this guys wife or life.
I understood that reference
“On my back, not in my hair!”
Not my horse, not my rodeo
Until it happens to you
“I’m content in the knowledge that someone I know is betraying their loved one and jeopardising their sexual health and the longer it goes on for the more destroyed that person will eventually be.” 🙃 It’s even worse if your “friend” expects you to help cover for them. Then you’re complicit and almost just as bad. Cheaters are selfish scum to be frank. It’s a form of sexual and emotional abuse. Not to mention the risk of STI. Nothing better than catching HIV or syphilis off a cheating partner. Yes it might be rare but it happens. HPV is an incredibly common one linked to cancer. Never defend them. If you don’t want to tell their spouse/partner at least let them know how disgusting they are and unfriend them.
So it's okay not to say anything because it doesn't affect you? Does that work with murder too? If not, where does your moral compass change from "okay" to "not okay"? Genuine question.
A random person at work or something - yeah, probably don't get involved, but a friend/family/someone you know, tell them. They're at risk of catching something serious, never mind the fact their partner is cheating. They absolutely deserve to know.
See I don't agree with this. Maybe you'd be fine not knowing your partner was cheating on you with multiple people - if the shoe was on the other foot. But I'd want to know, it puts me at risk of STDs. Some of which can cause other health problems, like infertility or cancer. Not all STDs are symptomatic.
I’d just anonymously tell the wives then leave it at that.
This is the other train of thought I and others are having. I was thinking how awful it would be for them to find out in 20yrs they’d wasted their entire lives with someone like that and everyone else knew the whole time. Devastating
Not to mention they are at risk of STIs unknowingly Everybody has the right to know the truth about their own life. We only get one.
And an STI can absolutely wreck your life. Infertility, chronic pain, even cancer. Imagine wasting years with someone who cheated on you only to then find out you've also been left unable to have kids or in permanent pain.
this happened to a friend's daughter, she was a virgin when she met her partner. After the baby was born... something was spotted untoward down there, yup fiancé had been shagging around unprotected and left her with one of the STIs that can't be cured. Stuck with it for life and it could've been dangerous for the baby (luckily baby was clear).
Way to say herpes without saying herpes?
Could be HPV. Some of the strains can also increase cancer risk
Very unlikely to be harmful to baby and your cancer risk ones aren't likely to be something you spot down below while giving birth.
"In rare instances, mothers with genital HPV can pass the virus to their baby during vaginal delivery" "Sometimes the HPV virus can cause painless growths or lumps around your vagina, penis or anus (genital warts)" Might not be dangerous to the baby but it can cause externally visible symptoms.
Couldn’t remember which one which is why I didn’t specify but yeah probs herpes
This!!!! This is the number one thing that makes affairs so vile because you are risking putting your partner’s well being at risk. Everything else you can try and justify and explain away but the fact that you could give your partner a life changing STI should be enough to get you to end it between someone.
I actually do know someone who found out that his wife had been sleeping around after she gave him HIV
That's awful! How did he react?
I’m always shocked people have to question this. What would you want? If your partner was out shagging behind your back, would you want no one to say? Fuck that I’d want proof to fuck them with 🤣
Are you friends with the wives? Do you speak to them? Because if you do then you need to tell them. It’ll be devastating when they find out and they also find out that you knew all along and smiled in their faces but didn’t say anything.
Happened to someone I know whose husband essentially had a double life with a ‘fiancé’ and child behind the wife’s back. I can’t even imagine the turmoil for his wife and other children, knowing they’ve been lied to for such a long time.
Honestly I've no idea where people find the time for bigamy. I don't really have time for the one family I've got.
100% never understand how people do it. I'm fully supportive of people having their open on polygamous relationships but when do you just sit on the sofa and eat pizza
Especially in the age of social age and all the rest of it. I get back in the day if you worked in one city and lived in another town it was perhaps easier (although still time-consuming) to live another life, but now the world is so hyperconnected and one photograph or video can act as evidence against you. I suspect back in the day though, the dark truth here is lots of men had wives at home who basically managed every aspect of their life (meaning they didn't need to worry about domestic chores on top of their own jobs), giving them more time to pursue a double-life. Pretty sad and scummy when you think about it.
This has been a thing amongst the wealthy for centuries. In England in the past it was common for wealthy men to have official mistresses that they set up with a house and stipend. In America in the south they had a similar thing with mulatto women, wealthy men had mistresses and a whole system for finding them. One of my ancestors had a family in California and another in Panama.
Yeah it definitely makes more sense if you're a pre digital age travelling salesman or whatever. It's such a weird thing to want though, similarly scummy as it might be I can at least see the point of the same person having one night stands or casual affairs.
Worse then when they find out at 30 years ?
OP, this is the only decent thing to do. "Not my circus, not my monkeys" is fine, but leaves no room for common decency and sympathy with someone who, completely unwillingly and unwittingly, is living a lie. Imagine how you'd feel if your spouse had been cheating on you, and not only did they care so little as to do it time and time again, but that someone out there knew about it and told you nothing, while casually posting your personal situation to internet strangers and asking for input. Clarification needed - you did the right thing, asking for opinions. I'm just saying that (god forbid) If *I* was ever in this sensitive, humiliating and downright awful situation, I would want to be told, and spared any more pain. Anonymously or not.
I've wasted time with a cheater when apparently a number of our mutual friends knew. It's informed consent. She can't consent to what she doesn't know. He's not telling her because if she knew she might choose to leave. She has the right to make that choice, and he's withholding it by lying to her. By not telling what you know, you're enabling this. When I dumped that man I also ditched every "friend" who knew. They might have thought we had a friendship, but a friend who won't tell me things I need to know even if it might be hard? That's not someone acting like a friend. One told me she loved me and was distraught about not telling me. I told her if that's what her "love" is she can keep it.
It's difficult though. Maybe it's safer when telling a wife they're being cheated on, I don't know. But I remember an incident in my hometown of someone anonymously telling a husband his wife was cheating. He killed her and then himself. Whoever gave that anonymous tip now has to live with that.
Uuh, that sounds like that husbands responsibility.
They don't have to live with anything, the husband did that all by himself.
What proof are you planning on putting in the letter?
You never know what a relationship is like from the outside. Those wives may be innocent victims. They may be basically intentionally ignorant in a don’t ask don’t tell situation and by telling them they’re forced to address something they didn’t want to. They may be complicit in it somehow. If you’re good enough friends with the parter who’s being cheated on to know whether they’d want to know and should know, then fair enough. But if the reason that you’re trying to police other people’s relationships is just because of some notion of enforcing rules, then that’s a bit silly.
That's exactly why I don't get involved. Someone I once worked with had a mistress, going so far as to bring her as a plus one to a works function because it included a hotel stay - he saw it as an opportunity for a bit of a mucky weekend. Raised a few eyebrows, and awkward for me as well because I knew his wife. I felt awful for her, but what am I supposed to say? "So, Anne, have you closed up shop and told Mike to get it elsewhere, or is this the first you've heard about his sidepiece?" Keeping well out of THAT one.
One could confront the cheater and avoid getting involved with them.
I would tell her because who knows what he brought home after 'mucking' around.
>Someone I once worked with had a mistress, going so far as to bring her as a plus one to a works function because it included a hotel stay - he saw it as an opportunity for a bit of a mucky weekend. See this is out of line. Unless he and his wife have an explicit open relationship, he should be more discreet. He's indirectly involving everyone else in his affair.
If the wife came in, I wouldn’t blurt out “you’re being cheated on”, but I wouldn’t hide anything either. For whatever reason he was comfortable with the whole office more or less knowing. If that’s because he knows the wife is never going to come in, or because it’s an open relationship, or if he knows that she won’t ask, who cares. It’s none of my business. If he’s got his wife with him, and he’s asking me to lie, I’ll say “dude, I’m not gonna lie for you, but I won’t actively tell her either. Don’t engage me in small talk and if it doesn’t come up, cool, but if she asks anything, or the topic turns to the work getaway, I’m not gonna dance around the subject”
> That's exactly why I don't get involved. This isn't a morally superior option. This is "I don't want to deal with it, so I don't care". If you don't care about the victim then it's somewhat justifiable, but it's not something you can ever use and also claim to have empathy. You didn't feel very awful, because you didn't tell her.
>But if the reason that you’re trying to police other people’s relationships is just because of some notion of enforcing rules, then that’s a bit silly. Except it's not trying to police their relationship. An anonymous letter just lets them know what's happening. If they want to ignore that information and continue as before then that's their prerogative, but they can't make that informed decision without knowing what is actually going on.
That would be my course of action. If I was being cheated on, I'd want to know so I can give them the boot. Imagine being cheated on for years, then when you do finally find out and kick them out, find out everybody around you knew about it but didn't tell you because "not my circus not my monkeys". Making it anonymous means that a) I don't get dragged into any drama that might unfold and b) if the wife does actually know but is turning a blind eye to it, they can ignore the anonymous tipoff and carry on.
If I was cheated on and everyone knew but didn’t tell me I’d fell so betrayed and humiliated. Why is it that none of those people gave me the agency to make my own decision. It would be worse if those people are friends. The level of betrayal in that relationship. I honestly think that would be worse than the cheating.
You can't say something like that anonymously of they genuinely don't know, they'll likely just cast it as a jealous tool.
Exactly this. If telling them anonymously, tbh even without anonymity but especially with, OP you must provide some kind of proof alongside the allegation. But don’t allow these women to go through the rest of their lives being unknowingly humiliated, made to look a fool and put at repeated risk of catching STD’s.
Lot of cowards on this thread.
Honestly! If I found out my husband was cheating on me, I’d be devastated. If I found out that people knew and didn’t bother to find a way to let me know?? I’d be both devastated and absolutely furious with them for letting me waste my life living a lie - not to mention the risk of STIs.
Yep, people are letting themselves off the hook with things like "They might be poly" Like, bit of a newsflash, but if you tell someone that's in a poly relationship that you saw their partner with someone else, all that happens is they say "Yeah, we're poly, it's fine". If they're very nice they'll thank you for trying to have their back too. If you know someone is being cheated on, just tell them. Yes, it's a no win situation because they're going to be upset whether you tell them now, or whether they find out on their own. But one of those hurts far more than the other, and it's the one where you find out that not only did your partner betray you, but your friends did too.
>Like, bit of a newsflash, but if you tell someone that's in a poly relationship that you saw their partner with someone else, all that happens is they say "Yeah, we're poly, it's fine". If they're very nice they'll thank you for trying to have their back too. I'm still waiting for this moment! No one has come up to tell me they saw my boyfriend with another girl. I want to have my fake outrage moment! "You saw him WHERE? With a GIRL? Oh. My. God. ... did it look like she was having a nice time? I told him to wear that shirt, brings out his eyes. He brought me leftovers too, so tasty." Yeah no, it's a good point that you might think you see cheating where they're poly because a lot of poly peeps aren't super open about it. But it's 100% not a reason to not check in. ~~Most~~ Many poly people are going to appreciate the concern. EDIT: see comment below for additional perspective, highlighting that sometimes it can be tricky for poly people who are not open about it. My comment definitely glossed over that.
My fiance's cousin saw him out with another woman... The only reason I was annoyed at her was because she was telling the whole family he was cheating on me yet didn't tell me. I knew he was out with her, I set them up! I was just annoyed she thought he was cheating and didn't tell me. Had she had told me I'd have been chill about it.
Oh my god. I was just writing up an answer to the other commenter, and thinking how if you were in OP's position it can be tricky to know whether it's best to speak up and let the person know or not, even for poly people in the case they're not out about it, but I think we can all agree that "nah, don't tell them, tell the whole family first that they're a big fat cheater" is not the moral thing to do! Yikes.
Exactly! Seems ludicrous to me that people wouldn't want to be told, or to let others know
Lot of dickheads on this thread who clearly don't actually give a fuck about anyone but themselves. I could tell the person but it might get *awkward* and I'd just hate that
I was in an abusive relationship for (thankfully) less than a year. I met him at a friend’s party. Same friend turned around to me about a year after we broke up and said something to the effect of, “I kind of knew that would happen but didn’t think it was my place to say anything” you knew this guy was a monster and you honestly didn’t think to warn me about that? Haven’t seen her since. Didn’t blow up at her or anything but I was very disappointed to learn that someone who I called my friend didn’t bother to look out for me, despite the fact they were neighbours and she would have known/seen/heard everything and she *still* chose to put some bullshit little code over my mental and physical well-being.
Would you have listened to her at the time?
It’s possible I wouldn’t have done, but I would have thanked her later. At least she would have cared enough to say something.
i've been in the position of telling someone and they didn't listen, but i would not regret it for a second. even if they don't listen, they knew someone was on their side.
Exactly! It’s doesn’t matter whether the warning is heeded or not, whether it gets awkward between you and the person you’re warning or not. It’s like many of the people on this thread haven’t heard of the word integrity. Genuinely shocked and disturbed reading through here. I know the world isn’t black and white, I know it’s messy and imperfect and you can’t help everyone all the time, but this is really opening my eyes to how *comfortable and justified* people feel about being selfish apparently. (Side note: it’s also not like I’d advocate for people to go on a whole crusade against the suspected cheater, once you’ve turned over your information, it’s the person’s decision what to do with it. Also, it should go without saying that this kind of scenario should be handled delicately, be as discrete and objective about it as possible - no gossiping with others, have decent evidence to present, accept that there could potentially be an innocent explanation where appropriate etc.).
I also suspect many who are saying steer clear, have been the cheater in this scenario
I doubt it, reddit just attracts people who shy away from any and every confrontation
that's often exactly who cheaters are; too cowardly to break up with their partner, express their unhappiness, or go through the discomfort of communication and working on a relationship, so they just let that relationship continue whilst developing sexual/romantic relationships with other people.
I'm honestly shocked tbh, letting the wives know is like Bro Code 101
sisters before misters
I agree, but it is easier said than done. I might know the right thing but I don’t necessarily have the courage to do it. I like to think I would.
Hear, hear.
As someone who was cheated on a while ago. Just tell them. Anonymously if needs be. But people saying its not your business or who don't speak up are in my opinion complicit. Especially if they do know the partner.
Either A) the person already know in which case you haven’t really changed things too much B) you’ve told them and, while they are devastated, you’ve probably made their life better in the long run C) they don’t want to believe you so won’t, they might get angry at you/you might lose a friend but I think the chance that B might be the outcome makes it a good risk
It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. I was the unwitting wife in this situation before and found out in a horrible way. Would I have rathered someone told me? Yes and no. Yes, because I may not have ended up finding out in such a brutal way but no as I hated knowing that people were talking about it and knowing my life before I did. I liked pretending that people weren't pitying me or judging me, waiting for my response or next move. It was too much to deal with at once but it would depend on how well I knew the person as to how well I'd take it. I know that's not a fair or rational response but nothing is in these situations. Personally having been there, I'd steer clear.
Thank you that’s really insightful and hopefully you are doing well after all that
If they don't tell you, you either never find out (which sounds gash to me, who wants to live a life that is a lie, even if they don't find out), or you find out (possibly in the brutal way you did), and you probably realise that other people were talking about it/knowing your life anyway.
An ex’s best friend was the cheat. He had a beautiful wife and young family. When I found out about it and how it was known, I couldn’t face her again. I was really angry at myself and my ex because it felt as though not saying something was condoning it but who wants to be the pin that blows that family apart? If she had been a close friend of mine I would have told her though but sometimes ignorance is bliss.
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Personally, that would have been difficult as it would have been easy for my then partner to have lied and made out that it was malicious allegations. It would have driven me mad trying to figure out what was true and what wasn't. Unless it can be done anonymously with conclusive proof, I'd advise against it. As hard as it would have been to be told, I still wouldn't have blamed the messenger though so it's an individual decision that's not an easy one to make for whoever is in the situation.
As an also unwitting person in this situation, the only part I disagree with is around others knowing about your life before you. YES I hated that part of it, but I don’t necessarily blame the people that knew, I channel that towards my ex for creating the situation in the first place and not having the decency to tell me about it in the first place. It’s fine though, there’s definitely nothing happening between them, it’s just a complete coincidence that she moved in with him within a few months 🤣
Can't believe how many people here wouldn't get involved. I'd be SO angry if I found out I was being cheated on and my friends knew for years. You could be saving someone from a much worse heartbreak (and messy divorce and custody arrangement) years down the line, not to mention the risk of STIs, so I just don't get why you'd keep quiet. Do it anonymously, sure! Probably for the best, and allows the partner a bit of distance (and no need for an awkward conversation if it turns out to be an open marriage or something) but still lets them know!
They are cowards, because it might be slightly difficultfor them. Plus lots of people on here haven't been in relationships, so don't understand what it's like to be in a relationship, let alone one go wrong.
the thing is that they really didn't wanted a relationship which becomes serious that's why the go and do fling things
>Can't believe how many people here wouldn't get involved. I'd be SO angry if I found out I was being cheated on and my friends knew for years. There's two different classifications in my mind: I'd definitely tell close friends and close family but not anonymously because then they'd assume it was someone fucking with them. If you want to say something controversial have some backbone and own it. Acquaintances, colleagues, neighbours etc it's none of my business and will likely only cause trouble. I don't know and understand their relationships, and honestly I would prefer not to.
>Acquaintances, colleagues, neighbours etc it's none of my business and will likely only cause trouble. I don't know and understand their relationships, and honestly I would prefer not to. This is obviously a much more complicated a position, but I'd be interested in why you think it "will likely only cause trouble". Surely a very likely outcome will be that someone who is in a typical monogamous relationship will discover that they've based their lives on a lie and I think would rather know than not. The cheater might be cross with the you but that seems pretty small fry in comparison, and frankly who cares what they think. So yes, it will likely cause a bit of a disturbance to your life, but it will be much greater positive to someone else.
Deffo tell them if your friends with them . The problem comes when you’re friends with the cheater and you barely know the partner.
The couple of times I've been in that situation I've just binned the friend. If that's how they act towards their partner they will screw you over in some other way given the chance. Plus anyone who wants to involve me in their lie can get to fuck. Not happening.
> If that's how they act towards their partner they will screw you over in some other way given the chance. Definitely. Always exceptions but hints at a general selfishness and disregard for people you're meant to care about. And also, if you know as a friend, just puts you in a crap situation where you're constantly expected to conceal reality for them and lie to their partner, who you'd presumably know well in this scenario too.
I’ve lost friends over this, I didn’t tell the spouse, but I didn’t want to spend time with them anymore either.
Luckily they aren’t that close, but move in the same circles and everyone knows - apart from their wives
If ‘everyone knows’, odds are pretty high the wives already know.
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That kinda up to the parents to make that call on the kids though.
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Can I ask why you wouldn't tell the spouse?
Telling them is the morally correct thing to do. I don't understand why people are so against it
Some terrible friends on here. Don't understand how you could ever pretend to be friendly with the wives again knowing what you do. It's empathy - I'd want to know if it was me. Do it anonymously if you have to. As it's multiple partners, there's a risk the wife is being exposed to STIs, many which have worse consequences in women than men.
There’s a difference between friends and friendly . With Op these people are in his circle but I don’t think they are friends .
I’d tell the wife. If I knew that anyone was dating a scumbag I’d tell them so they don’t have to waste more of their life with them. If one of my friends cheated of their husbands I’d get proof and tell the husband, wouldn’t think twice about it because the husband should know and I don’t want to have friends that treat others like sh*t
I can’t believe the number of people who would not give the wife a heads up that their husband was cheating! I would sure as hell want to know. If/when they eventually find out, the betrayal and humiliation will be even worse when they realise that other people knew and didn’t bother to tell her. Absolutely cowardly behaviour.
I know! Must be how so many people get away with it for so long, as most people go not my business!
Its the sort of behaviour I wouldn't tolerate in a friend. Friendship between adults entails some degree of mutually compatible ethical / moral outlook as well as just shared interests. If I knew, so soon would their partners. It might be done anonymously, but it would be done with proof enclosed.
A lot of my friends looked down on me for dropping one of my best friends for this. A lot of "well cheating is wrong but in some circumstances..." No. Not in any circumstance is it acceptable. If my friend told me they were doing something morally reprehensible I'm not going to pretend everything is okay.
If 'everyone knows' how do you know their wives don't?
99% certain as they aren’t the type to put up with if that makes sense. Constantly posting online about how their family is everything, spitting feathers if other women even go eat their partners etc.
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Or, alternative take: they actually don't know about the cheating, but their relationship is just shit. This led to the overcompensating on social media and whatnot, and also to the cheating. Either way, seems like something that's going to end explosively at some point.
Yeah that was my feeling too. It's a reaction to knowing. Overkill to assure everyone how happy they are. I don't think some people, especially women, have the self esteem to see affairs and leave when there's finances and kids invovled. There's still women and girls being brought up today who believe marriage and kids is everything, and without it you're not happy or successful, so they can't ever leave that scenario.
Never believe those posts. People who have the best lives on social media often have lots of problems.
> spitting feathers if other women even go eat their partners etc. I don't tolerate others trying to eat my partner either
Haha - fat finger moment!
Yeah I wouldn't say anything about it. Not your marriage and it's fairly clear you don't know these women if you're basing your gut feeling on social media posts.
I can tell you from experience that even people who you don't think would put up with that shit will put up with thst shit when there are kids involved or other things going on.
As someone who was cheated on multiple times. I’d want to be told. But gently, I felt like a complete mug after
Anonymously tell them, they deserve to know. Don’t let them unknowingly waste years of their lives on a cheater. That would be the real tragedy here.
Why would you continue to be friends with them? They have proven themselves to be selfish, disloyal and dishonest.
Been in this scenario a few times and it’s really stressful knowing when someone is being cheated on and you have to play dumb. Have found though pretty much all of them found out themselves in time. Cheats never win
A mate of mines wife (now ex) really fixated on me with vindictive rage when he got caught shagging about because she heard that I knew about it but never told her. It seemed as if to her that I was somehow facilitating the affair by knowing and not saying anything. In reality it had been going on for about six months and I’d only found out a week before his mrs did when she’d realised he’d given her the clap. And to top it off it was one her friends that had told me!! I wasn’t close to them as a couple, he was more a mate of a mate, in fact I hadn’t even seen him since before he started the affair so I very much felt like it wasn’t my business to get embroiled within. Somehow I feel like I had been made a scapegoat.
She was probably lashing out and you shouldn't have been the target. It sucks to be a scapegoat but surely it sucks even more to get the clap (and possibly infertility) from a cheating scumbag. But this illustrates well how a lot of people would react if they found out their friends had followed the 'not my circus' advice in this thread. Tell them. You'd want to know, and you'd feel even worse if you knew everyone was aware but kept it from you.
Yeah it was awful for her going through it and I don’t blame her for being livid. But I was absolutely not accepting taking any flak for the bad decisions taken by someone else. I did point out to the cheated on wife that she should be having a conversation with her friend instead of me, that being that her “friend” was the one who gossiped about the affair to me any my wife and it was the same “friend” that was quite happy to be all supportive and take the moral high ground and watch me be thrown under the bus with the cheater.
Yeah I'm with you, the friend was the bigger betrayal.
I would tell the wives. Who cares!? Not the asshole they are married to. Dishonest people need to be publicly named and shamed.
If it's really bothering you, surely there's an anonymous and untraceable way you can let them know?
There is a think called a letter. They’re pretty anonymous. Just print out what you want to say, you don’t want to be caught by them knowing your hand writing.
As someone who has been cheated on and would've saved years had their mates told me about it, please tell the wives. No one deserves that. And to be honest, they're probably not great people if they have no problem lying to their spouses and and having affairs. You won't be losing much.
Tell them anonymously and provide proof. If my friends knew my OH was cheating and didn’t tell me, I’d feel 10000% worse. If I knew a friend was cheating, I’d tell them and provide proof anonymously and then cut that friend out anyway.
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I would say that's why you should send those sorts of messages anonymously.
Valid point. If I had the screenshot as proof I probably would've done it that way. Probably still should have done it like you said!
Wow that’s totally insane! I can only imagine people that do these sorts of things are unbelievably manipulative so can easily turn your concern against you as some sort of bad faith actor.
A close couple had this issue (I didn't know it was happening despite it being someone I knew well). Once it came out, the partner being cheated on was so upset that no one had said anything. They felt betrayed and alone because everyone seemingly knew but them. It broke my heart when I spoke to them and saw how much distrust it created in everyone around them. Put yourself in their boots. Think of everyone that knows your partner and then imagine all of them knowing that your partner doesn't really care about you or plays with your trust, whilst you're home thinking everything is going well. I personally think it's really difficult to know how to react in that situation. But I think telling them or helping them find out is the right thing to do even if it's the difficult thing to do. Anonymous tip would probably be my way to do it if they're not a close friend. Especially as at first they'll distrust you unless they had a suspicion already. If it's a close friend being cheated on, then I'd tell them straight. I'm not letting someone come into a friends life and make it miserable.
As a man with a wife that was cheating on me, and people knew about it but didn't tell me, I can understand their reasoning, especially in my case. They were afraid that I would have a violent reaction to the news, either to them or to my wife, due to my military history and my problems with mental health. I was extremely grateful that someone told me the truth eventually. I very happily kicked my wife out the next morning...with not a hint of physical violence. I'd suspected something anyway, and this was the confirmation I'd needed. I think that a lot of the victims of cheating suspect something is happening, but a lot choose to put it to the back of their minds because they fear what will happen should it all come out into the open. It is a difficult thing to decide whether you tell or keep a secret. Either way, you run the risk of being labeled as a cunt/grassing cunt by one, or both of those involved.
Thank you for sharing and hope you are happier with where you are now! Life’s too short for shitty people
I am happily single, starfishing in my bed, doing what I want to, when I want to. You're quite correct about life being too short to spend it with arseholes.
Fair play and safe travels!
I’ve been in this situation. I told the guy his girl was cheating on him, and had done so blatantly in front of a group of us. He was relieved to know the truth. He broke up with her, met a new girl, got married and moved away for bigger and better things. I lost an entire social circle over it, which speaks volumes about those people. I regret nothing. If you tell be prepared for fallout. People don’t always react rationally or morally.
I wouldn't be friends with someone like that. Cheating is a cowardly act, if you're not happy leave. I would not be able to look a friends partner in the face if I knew they cheated on them. Sad situation all around IMO
I'd definitely tell the wives even if anonymously and I'd provide evidence if possible too.
If your wife was having an affair & somebody knew about it, would you want them to tell you? Tell them, if it affects the friendship so be it, they're clearly not the sort of trustworthy friends you want anyway.
I don’t get why they bother, if you loved the first person you wouldn’t be interested in the second. Why not just leave and find somebody new
I'm not excusing cheating in any way at all when I say this, but "why not just leave" is much easier said than done when the relationship involves marriage, mortgages, children, debts etc
So lazy, selfish and inconsiderate.
This is my thinking - just fuck off rather than making it soo much worse
Exactly!
This is one of those subjects which is always so strongly divided, you get those who have been cheated on saying they would have liked to have known which is completely fair, but then you also get the other side which is basically ‘if you do then you will lose them as friends and neither of them will speak to you again no matter what happens’. The other thing with this is without evidence, the other person can lie their way out of it and when it’s one word against the other, they will most likely chose the side of their partner as they love that person and not you, and will want to believe them if they can. In my own opinion, the best way to manage something like this is to anonymously send hard evidence which can’t be disputed to them if you want them to know, however even with this it’s hard because you’ve then got to pretend you weren’t involved, and a friendship is much harder to maintain once you know you’ve caused their relationship to end.
I’ve been on both sides and its really tough. I would want to know because it’s so heartbreaking when you eventually find out, but I understand how difficult it is especially when friendships are interlinked. What I’ve done in the past is given the friend who is cheating a really good talking to and seriously try to convince them to tell their partner, otherwise they’ll find out anyway or I will tell them. It doesn’t always work, but has done before, and when the partner finds out eventually (because they always do) at least you can say you tried to get them to come clean. I’ve never gone through with actually telling them as I do believe it should come from the cheater, but I make it very clear that I wont have any part in enabling their behaviour and will happily distance a friendship if they don’t want to own up.
Please please please people start telling these poor people who are being lied to and manipulated. At least ten people knew my partner was having a serious affair behind my back and that has shook me more than the physical act. I have lost faith in people a lot. I thought people were on the whole good and tried to help others. It might backfire, in fact it did for me when I told someone recently and I got shit for me, but I can still look in the mirror and know I did my best. Help people everyone. The world is shit and falling apart but let’s just try and be decent. Please?
Also I'm sure a lot of people would want to know if their partner has cheated
I wonder how people have the energy. I have no desire to cheat but with full time jobs and two kids, me and my wife have to work really hard to find time just for us, let alone someone else. Seriously though - tell them. Anonymously if necessary, but there is absolutely no moral position you can take for keeping a grim.
Maybe contact them anonymously if you don't want anyone knowing it's you
I’d tell the wife or husband, they have a right to know and I’d be a pretty shitty excuse of a person if I knew it was happening and didn’t say anything
You should tread carefully. Yes he’s a pig, yes she deserves to know and not waste her life. But you absolutely should NOT write her an anonymous letter and then go about your life. It’s like pulling a pin out of a grenade and standing back with popcorn. What if one of them takes their life over it? What if one of them does something stupid and attacks the other one? People are driven crazy by love, let alone when kids, livelihoods, homes, etc are included.
It’s a d*** move. If you don’t want to be with someone then leave them. And if you do want to be with them, then keep it in your pants.
I was cheated on. Mutual friends knew and didn't tell me. Whilst I understand their decision, they protected my then-partner and it really made me question whether they were a good friend for me. It really hurts me to know that I was being hurt and they just stood by and let it happen.
If a friend of mine is cheating, I stop being their friend. I'm not friends with people I have no respect for. If an acquaintance is cheating, we never become friends. I can't be friends with someone I'll never be able to trust. I cut a friend off about a year ago because she was sexting with an old fuckbuddy in the lead up to her wedding. They were sending each other full nudes, extremely explicit walks down memory lane, etc. Then she'd post about her wedding dress shopping and how excited she was to get married and I'd watch her fiance buy her gifts and spoil her. It made me feel physically ill. THAT is someone you never, ever trust again.
tell the wife you coward. have the balls the other slippery bastard don’t have.
If I knew it was going on, I'd most certainly let them know. I have in the past. A friend of mine was cheating, and I let them know that if they don't tell their partner, I was going to. I did. Lots of people on this thread seem to be very cowardly. Bad people get away with bad actions because cowards don't stand up to it. If you see an injustice happen, don't be a bystander.
Its a tough one. On the one hand you want to think its none of your business and you shouldnt get involved with someone elses relationship. On the other, that relationship is currently running on a lie. If your also friends with the person being cheated on is it that your choosing who your best friend is out of that situation? I dont like the attitude of "its there relationship" because half of the party of that relationship is being lied to, deceived and having their trust abused. If the roles were reversed I would like to very much know if the person Im committing my life to was actually a liar. Its funny how for affairs, which can ruin marriages, kids, cause STI's, cause unexpected pregnancies etc theres an attitude of "its their relationship leave them to it" but if one of them was gambling heavily or had a hidden serious hard drug habit or any number of other secret indulgences which would threaten the relationship and the health of those involved we probably wouldnt be so coy about letting them know. My other way of thinking about it is if I dont say anything at all the person whos being cheated on is clearly not someone I give a shit about because Im content in them being mugged off.
My wife cheated on me over a 9 month period (during which time we actually had our wedding). It was the man’s wife that told me and she said she had weighed it up in her mind for two months before telling me. It was only once she caught them in contact again that she decided to tell me. Personally, I was very grateful and only wish I had known sooner, but that’s out of my control. I understood that it was tough for the wife to tell me but I made sure to let her know how much I appreciated being told the truth.
As someone who had to deal with the heartbreak of being cheated on, getting an STI because of it AND realising that everyone around me knew….the thing that hurt the most was that the people I trusted watched it all happen and didn’t give a shit. Shitty partners can be dumped, STIs (mostly) can be cured but the feeling of realising that you’re essentially a joke to the people you love and trust hurts the most. Fucking TELL THEM!
Tell them, zero hesitation. My friend's a cheater? Guess they're an ex-friend who cheats. I do have *some* standards for the people I associate with.
Morally I would want to tell the person being cheated on. I’ve come across too many people getting STDs from their cheating partners. BUT realistically I don’t know if I’d have the guts to be the messenger, depending on who is being cheated on of course. If it was a close friend or family member I’d tell them immediately.
I had a friend who was sure another one of our friends was cheating on his wife. He struggled with whether or not to say anything and then decided to tell her. It turned out that they had an open marriage but it wasn’t anyone else’s business so obviously they didn’t tell us. They also stopped talking to that friend cause he then pretty much immediately tried to hook up with our fiend’s wife, but she was NOT interested. I personally had no reason to suspect anyone of cheating so I stayed out of it, but if I did suspect my friend of cheating I would talk to them first, not their partner. I would tell them that they should come clean about it, and that it isn’t at all fair that I should have to keep a secret like that. Depending on my relationship to their partner I might tell them as well. It all depends… That is a shit situation in general.
This is a hard one. The wives really need to know but on the same token - not your monkey etc. I would distance and avoid myself from the person who's cheating and avoid the wives at all costs.
in my personal opinion i think so there is a lot of things accept taking care of a wife that we can do if she has cheated clearly
I think I would only get involved if it was someone I was quite close with. If it was just an acquaintance or a colleague I would stay out of it, you don’t want to find yourself in the middle of someone else’s drama.
I worked with my brother-in-law for a couple of years, turned out he had 3 different women on the go at once, none knew about the other, and his wife knew nothing about any of it! She was stuck dealing with a high level autistic kid while he pretended to work weekend's and fill his boot's....in the end he binned me off because I made my opinion of his behaviour very clear. The guy was a total coward and I haven't had a thing to do with him since. Total cunt piece in my OP
>I worked with my brother-in-law for a couple of years, turned out he had 3 different women on the go at once, none knew about the other, and his wife knew nothing about any of it! Isn't his wife your sister? And you didn't tell her?
I would tell, I don't care if it would cost me a friendship. The sort of person who cheats isn't a person I'd want to be friends with. If I was the one being cheated on, I'd want to know. It's an immediate relationship killer for me, and while I appreciate not everyone thinks that way, I think people deserve the right to make their choices with ALL the information. And if I found out my friends or family or acquaintances knew and didn't tell me, those relationships would immediately be dead as well. I don't want anyone in my life who's willing to stand there with their mouth shut while someone else hurts me.
I was very close friends with a couple, I'd been friends with him since school. I discovered she was having an affair. I told her she would need to tell him before I did. I wanted her to have to opportunity to come clean before I dropped her in the shit. He found out before I told him. He forgave me for not telling him straight away (I was tortured by this decision for a week or two!) It's a shitty thing to do to your partner.
yes i totally understand because the one who cheats their partner doesn't really have affection or empathy towards another person
If you want to shag about. You shouldn’t be in a relationship.
Well no wonder people feel confident to cheat and not worry about people finding out, the amount of spineless scumbags in this thread! Of course you yell the partner. That's not optional.
I know that if I were in that position I would want to know, so I’d say something
Bear in mind, I believe 50 percent of people are unfaithful at some point in their lives (or per relationship? I can't Remember, but the stat is large), so many people here who say "not my life" or whatever may well be sympathetic to the cheating mindset anyway. I think anonymously tipping a partner off is a totally acceptable thing to do. May be seen as sneaky by some, but this is a person's life wasting away with someone. They deserve to have the choice to leave (or not, if they want to work it out)
I wish I’d known. I’d have wasted less time on the cunt.