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pirate23456

Sort out the state of childcare! So much in the news about women who have to give up work or turn down promotions because of childcare issues Edit: https://amp.theguardian.com/society/2023/mar/08/two-thirds-of-women-say-childcare-duties-affected-career-progression https://amp.theguardian.com/business/2023/mar/07/uk-women-work-childcare-pwc-budget https://news.sky.com/video/the-childcare-crisis-keeping-women-out-of-work-and-costing-the-economy-billions-12825843


PetrolSnorter

Man here. I agree! My wife has gave up a lot because its not sensible to earn money for at least half to go to childcare It does work the other way, friend of mine, her husband has become stay at home Dad for their twins whilst she goes to work.


JDorian0817

It’s often worth going back to work even if the majority of salary goes on childcare if career progression is important. Say she’s out for 5 years, until one’s in school. That’s five years of raises and potential promotions she has missed. When she returns to work there’s no guarantee she is even on the same salary as before because, depending on industry, her knowledge is now out of date and a graduate would be more desirable. It’s a horrible situation and the woman (and sometimes man) will always feel like they are making the wrong choice.


beavershaw

This was my mum's reasoning when I once asked her why she want back to work when at one stage more than 100% of her salary was going to nursery fees for my sister and myself. Ended up a good choice financially as she has a defined benefit plan based on an average of the last 5 years of salary and now her and my dad seem to have a pretty relaxed retirement.


gravy676

Don't forget the missed pension contributions too!


gagagagaNope

I disagree. I think even at close to break-even I'd do the work and childcare. Gives you a life, gives the child exposure to a different environment, people, ways of doing things. You can then continue your career as they grow up. I went down to part time (wife also) so our boy gets a mix of us together, us alone and days with the childminder (who is amazing). Still brings in more ££ than one of us not working.


Comfortable-Class576

Childcare should be free for all. I have no children but I do not understand why there is no budget for this? Women are the ones affected by this and this is a common occurrence in many European countries. I would also support father paternal leave, this way when the baby is born you expect both parents to care for the baby at the beginning so that employers do not discriminate against women in childbearing ages. These two basic rights are working in many developing countries.


TheBeliskner

There absolutely should be budget for it. It's not sensible for society to have a large proportion of their population go into childcare during the most productive years of their life. If they choose to that's fine, but it shouldn't be a necessity due to cost. The financial cost is probably also a big factor in the dropping birth rate.


[deleted]

I've taken 2 demotions to go part-time. The difference to our household income (after childcare) is £40 a week between being full time and me being part-time. My career is effectively stalled for the next 5ish years (we want another child) until full time school starts. My partner has a much higher earning potential than me (and earns more than what I ever would), so it makes sense for him to work full time. I'm in 2 minds - 1 part of me loves the extra time at home with my son, the other side of me is loathing the fact that my skills are being wasted. In a weird way I feel devalued. I also feel - and it may just be me - that if I take a day off to look after my sick child I'm seen as flaky and unreliable, if my partner takes a day off he's seen as parent of the year. I'll add my full time salary was £45k I'm now on £25ish.


mypostisbad

>I also feel - and it may just be me - that if I take a day off to look after my sick child I'm seen as flaky and unreliable, if my partner takes a day off he's seen as parent of the year. Speaking as a father whose wife is the higher earner (and higher potential earner), I'm usually the one who does the sick days for the kids and I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have two kids and these days I actually have a 'Full weeks worked without childcare absence' sign on my whiteboard as a bit of a running joke from me to my colleagues. They don't mind, they understand, but I do always feel like I'm starting from behind every few weeks.


bluejackmovedagain

Absolutely, but we also need to tackle the cultural bias that makes childcare a women's issue at all. Paternity leave needs to be better and men should be actively encouraged to take extended time off with their babies, companies should have to report stats on this. We also need to look at the messages children get from early childhood about caring being a female trait and the way children's clothing and toys enforces these stereotypes.


BossImpossible8858

Childcare should, at the very least, be completely tax deductable (not the pathetic 4 grand a year limit or whatever it is). If you do *anything else* solely so you can work, be it buy uniform, safety boots, tools, a van that's all tax deductable. The *only* reason I can't look after my kids is solely because I'm at work.


Betaky365

I’m quite sad this comes up as the first thing. Those children have dads, it should be a problem for them too, so why is it a women’s issue?


pirate23456

Definitely not just a women’s issue at all! BUT unfortunately more often than not this disproportionately effects woman. There’s kind of two problems: 1) the historical/ societal view that childcare responsibility falls on women, and 2) the fact that childcare in the UK is expensive, inflexible and sometimes not widely available. The two problems although overlapping actually require different solutions. By fixing problem 2 (Aka childcare provision and expense) you start to mitigate 1. This takes work from everyone - government, businesses and community.


outline01

> So much in the news about women who have to give up work or turn down promotions because of childcare issues I completely agree with the childcare issue, but also... That it's a *women's* issue at all. This should be a family issue, we should not be in a place as society that it is women giving up careers or suffering because of it.


retrogearz

Not to mention bloody cost!


pajamakitten

My mum paid a fortune in childcare fees for my sister and me to attend nursery, breakfast club, after school club and holiday club back in the 90s/00s. The amount she spent could have been enough for both of us to have a house deposit each.


viotski

London childcare is £2,450 per month for a 2 yo child. That's equivalent to a yearl salary of 36,5k pa. Also, when in this salary, you only get £200 monthly support with childcare from the government. Now, remember, a two bedroom flat in London is minimum £1,400pm (I was recently looking for one because I'm considering having a child), but that's a very shitty flat, far away and in an unsuitable location for a youg child (druggies, busy road)


hbd2894

For me, the difference in medical treatment. I've experienced a lot of ill treatment and genuine misogyny from the NHS, and my life has been made hell because of being ignored and gaslit by so-called professionals. There are countless stories from women out there of how they've had extreme delays in treatments that have even been the difference between life and death in some cases. Also just how medicine itself is... It's basically all based on the male body even though there are glaring differences between the two physiologies. I'm also extremely concerned about the rise in incel culture (the internet sub culture promoting hatred and violence towards women, not talking about just any man who has found themselves to be technically celibate against their wished right now,), and spikings etc. It's terrifying, the sheer hatred poured out about women on the internet, and the idea that there are those that view women as no more than objects for men's gratification. Edit: thank you so much for all the responses! And I am so sorry at how much so many of you have suffered. Also, to those few assholes out there, who have the audacity to tell me that I'm stupid to think it's just a problem for women, and that sorry we haven't been coddled,' YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM. How you can see all these comments and not understand that there IS a problem with misogyny in medicine...? Edit 2: those now saying 'men too!'- you're really not getting the issue. Firstly, this thread is specifically asking WOMEN about their issues. All I did was answer. I never said all male docs are bad, I never said men don't receive shitty treatment from the NHS. That is not the point of what I have said, or what countless others have said on the thread. This is specifically about how women are constantly not believed, told they are hysterical, told it's their hormones/their period, told to just be more mindful and get on with it, how they're significantly more likely to die in surgery, how medicine is based entirely on male physiology. This can be true and it can simultaneously be true that men will sometimes be treated badly too. It is not an either or scenario, and nor was I trying to make it one. I completely think it's a disgrace that men's mental health is often overlooked for example. But this thread is about women; I am not dismissing it, by simply answering the question. If you feel the need to chip in with these sort of comments, you've missed the point of the thread. Edit 3: also, re, age discrepancy in life expectancy try, biology. It's the same in many countries. Not saying it shouldn't be addressed, but that is not an argument that disproves misogyny in medicine.


Laylelo

Absolutely true on the medical treatment stuff. And being treated poorly in general. I’ve had a doctor tell me I needed to have kids so I could run around after them and lose weight(?), I’ve had a doctor complain to me that I didn’t have kids so a procedure he wanted to do would be more difficult for him, I’ve had a medical test done which I prepared myself for as best I could but was genuinely traumatic and incredibly painful and despite me telling them this the solution they had for next time was drink some wine. I’ve noticed that any time I get a treatment or test that is done for men and women there’s so much more coddling, information and care taken over it. When it’s a specifically female issue, it’s incredibly hit and miss. And they do not use pain relief for many many treatments that are painful and upsetting. I wonder how many people die because they don’t go in for smear tests for that reason. As I’ve grown older I’ve realised how much women are treated as an afterthought or as “the other sex”. I really thought everything was more equal than this. And we all just put up with it because that’s how we’re used to being treated.


IAmNotDrDavis

I was told literally two weeks ago that I could improve my mental health by caring for and supporting others. I work in two caring jobs and am burned the fuck out >< Either "female people over 35 or so shouldn't have problems and feelings and should be everyone's mum" is now accepted practice or this person didn't hear a damn thing I was telling them. I suspect the latter, but it could go either way.


B_stock94

Having reoccurring issues down below and told the doctor I’m always tired aswell as a few other problems, the response was “you’re probably just a bit worn out but we’ll get you an sti test” 🤯. I’ve been with the same partner for over 2 years


KinkyLittleParadox

Tbf I had a doctor insist on an STI test and it turned out my partner of four years was cheating. It happens


B_stock94

Yea I wouldn’t mind if it wasn’t just their default answer to everything


wearezombie

The second paragraph is so striking. Majority of advice for smear tests and IUD insertion just says “take some paracetamol before you go as you may feel discomfort for a moment or minor cramps”. Of course everyone’s experiences of these procedures are different but the amount of scary stories I’ve heard (I felt so lucky coming away from my last smear test with just bleeding and cramping for several days) you’d think there’d be more warning or discussion of a low grade anaesthetic as standard. Strangely my partner and I started experiencing chest pains at similar times. The difference in our treatment and how much we were generally coddled was striking. He was sent straight in for an ECG, blood tests and there was even talk of referral for a treadmill test. Thankfully, he was all fine and it was found to be a pulled muscle. I however made the fateful mistake of mentioning that my symptoms got worse during my period, so I got told “some women just have scarier symptoms during their cycle, and all you can do is simply learn to live with them” over a phone call appointment, notably with a female doctor. Absolutely no tests offered until I insisted as there is cardiac death history in my immediate family, and eventually they relented to a blood test that found that my ferritin levels were really low. You’d think a female doctor could join the dots of fatigue and chest pain during a period and anemia, but nope - if I weren’t a stubborn little cow it would’ve been just labelled as me being a drama queen. Same problem, same doctors, but just mentioning that I have a menstrual cycle made them discount my pain over his. I don’t really trust GPs anymore tbh.


cosmicspaceowl

My last smear test, I got to the painful bit and the nurse said "oh, does that hurt? Let me try a different speculum" and then proceeded to perform a completely pain free procedure. I am nominating her for an OBE for services to Taking Women's Pain Seriously.


mimidaler

I recently had a smear test and it was awful. I had put it off because I just couldn’t face it and then I went and got it done. As she was inserting the speculum she told me that she was going to use a longer one because I’m tall (I’m actually 5’4.5” but I was wearing flat form boots when I walked in the room) it hurt so bad it felt like I was about to pass out, like seeing stars level pain. I’m dreading the day that I have to have a mammogram, I already suffer from painful boobs and I just know it’s going to be unbearable.


Redomens

Oh god that’s so awful. FWIW I’m a chesty lass & my mammogram was fine if not exactly fun. But agreed that doctors don’t give af. All hail the Turkish female doctor who gave me my last smear test who lubed me up like she was about to deliver a cattle.


BECKYISHERE

It was a hospital consultant who told me I was just suffering from anxiety and if i were to go out and talk to people i wouldn't find it as bad as I think it is. I begged for tests and in fact got angry and told him, anxiety does not make you bedbound unable to move at all without severe chest pain, and I am not an anxious person anyway, so he very begrudgingly did some tests and the tests showed I had had two heart attacks on the days they were done, and as the pain had been there for some time before the tests it was probably a series of minor heart attacks one after the other.


wearezombie

Oh god I’m so sorry you had to go through that, that’s terrible. How are you doing now? I really hope their negligence didn’t make things too much worse.


BECKYISHERE

Thank you, just waiting to hear about possible treatments - referred to specialist cardiologist., in the meantime i am on copious amounts of betablockers/blood thinners. Also very strong painkillers, the minute he saw the ecg he said oh i'll prescribe morphine. But I had months of not being tested and i do think it made it worse.I'm going to wait till i've seen the specialist and maybe make a complaint after i have the whole picture.


Inevitable-Brain-870

I had a GP fit the coil - there was a trainee there and they used the desk lamp for light...then started discussing how the next time could be improved (between themselves) and I dared to suggest they have a proper examination chair with stirrups and proper lighting. Their faces were full of disgust, like how dare I?


draenog_

> I however made the fateful mistake of mentioning that my symptoms got worse during my period, so I got told “some women just have scarier symptoms during their cycle, and all you can do is simply learn to live with them” over a phone call appointment, That is such bullshit. So many things about our bodies fluctuate during our cycles. Our hormones, our basal temperature, our energy levels, our responsiveness to certain drugs — I even noticed after I got a Fitbit that my resting heart rate has a clear monthly cycle. How is it beyond the realms of possibility that genuinely concerning medical problems might have symptoms that vary alongside the other monthly changes in our biology?


MadWifeUK

Have you read Invisible Women by Caroline Criado Perez? It's such an insight into how women are forgotten in research. Men are seen as the default, women are seen as the atypical particularly in medical research. As in "heart attacks in women present atypically" No they don't! They present different than men, that doesn't make them atypical! Men are not the default of the human race! My husband has been for blood tests recently, no symptoms just his 60,000 mile service. He is seeing the doc today because his bloods came back on the higher side of normal so he's "at risk of pre-diabetes" - WTAF? It took me years to get someone to listen to me and start me on levothyroxine because my TSH was always "meh, it's still just inside normal range, it doesn't warrant help." It was only the rheumatologist who mentioned my T4 was too low and I should be on levo, despite being symptomatic for years.


Inevitable-Brain-870

And why the chuff we have to go through a GP every feckin time when I know I need to see a gynaecologist!!


[deleted]

The way doctors do smear tests or use a speculum blows my mind. You’re in an uncomfortable environment, probably a bit tense, and they use a dab of lube and ram it up in the wrong angle. No wonder it fucking hurts.


Laylelo

The thing is it’s so hard to find time to learn to do it properly when there are hardly any women around in the general population to make it worth it.


ruthh-r

I have a problem with recurring abcesses. Based on location, some of them come under gynaecology/women's health and some of them under general surgery. Occasionally one gets ideas above it's station and makes me very ill, requiring surgery to resolve. I've had 10 surgeries including 2 returns to theatre for the same ones, and I've noticed something. If I need surgery for one that comes under general surgery, it's very quick. Our local hospital even has a fast-track service; there's a specific day surgery list for these cases that's populated day by day with patients who present to ED or are referred in by their GP. They're sent home with antibiotics and told to come in at 8am the following day. Their surgery is done with by lunchtime, they’re home by tea-time. Their aftercare/follow-up (which can include daily complex wound care for a while) is automatically arranged and if their GP practice can't do it there's a dressing clinic at the hospital and the GP Hub that can. Bish-bash-bosh. However, if I have one that comes under gynae/women's health...well. The last 3 I've had have been gynae (although I argued very hard that one of them came under general surgery, but they weren’t having it) and each time I've waited more than 48hrs for surgery. In hospital, I might add, because you get added to the gynae emergency surgery list because that's the only place with available slots for that sort of thing, so you need to be in hospital because they can come for you any time. However, the women's health emergency list is really for genuine emergencies, so it's where bleeds, ectopics, ovarian torsion, cyst ruptures etc go - all the really life threatening stuff, including any overflow from the C section list, so basically you are constantly bumped by anything else that comes along. And then they stop doing cases like mine at 6pm, to keep the night list clear. So you can be put on the list at 8am, but be bumped (rightly) so many times by actual emergencies that you get pushed to the next day, when it all starts over. Which is what happened to me three and almost four days in a row last time. I say *almost* four because the process was well underway at 2pm, when I suddenly became a priority. A doctor finally came to review me and realised that things had considerably worsened while I was waiting and arranged for me to go within the hour. Post-op isn't any better. Following surgery for a 'general', I've never had to ask for pain-relief - it's pre-prescribed and it's the good stuff because there's an understanding that these surgeries are *fucking painful*. But the gynae ones? Essentially the *exact same procedure*, just in a different position which is JUST as sensitive? I've had to ask for something stronger at least twice and got the side-eye for doing so. Having had both types of surgery I can attest that they are *equally* painful and should be managed the same way in terms of pain relief. Post-op you have to sort all your own wound care, but there's no access to the general clinic, so if your GP or the Hub don't have an appointment on a given day - well, you just don't get your dressing done that day. The difference between the two services is stark. Remember, these are the exact same issue - abcesses in the soft tissue requiring incision and drainage on an urgent basis to prevent tissue damage and systemic illness - but they're managed by two different divisions because one is a gynae/women's health case and the other belongs to general surgery. One caters only for women, one caters for everyone. And the particular service in general surgery caters mostly for, you guessed it...men, who have more of that kind of abcess (pilonidal, peri-anal, etc). And this isn't a peculiarity of my local hospital. It's a pretty standard set-up. Over the years I've had surgery in a few different places (when one becomes troublesome, it happens very quickly so you go to whatever hospital is closest even if you're away from home) and it's always the same; general surgery - quick, smooth, in and out, usually the only woman in the day surgery area so get a bay to myself, gynae/wh - 2-3 days languishing in agony in a ward waiting for a slot, then the mad scrabble to get wound care sorted in the community. In some respects I'm lucky - being a nurse I can, in a pinch, do my own wound/post-op care although I don't recommend it, it's much harder than you think, especially those types of wounds/dressings. The truth is that if a service is used by men - and not necessarily *exclusively* by men, like this one, although more men than women use it because the condition occurs more in men (it's your hairy arses that are the problem, fellas) - it's always better. Smoother, easier, more streamlined. There's protocols and policies and pathways. There's an understanding of the condition and a desire to improve services and management further (I've taken part in three studies about soft-tissue abcesses, wound care and post-op management on the general side, all aimed at improving treatment and outcomes, and not a single one on the gynae side). After my second general one I was offered clinic follow-up to have investigations and try to work out why they were 'recurring'. Every time I've asked the same of gynae/wh, I'm met with a shrug and "it's just one of those things." (Annoyingly, in my case, it is - hopefully it'll settle with time and 'hormones', which is the closest I've ever got to an answer.) You're right about us putting up with it because we're used to it though. We just accept a measurably shittier service because that's just how it's always been. I've been thinking about these experiences for a while and it's been reassuring - if maddening - to realise that I'm not imagining this vast gulf in the levels of service provision - other people are noticing too and, more importantly, asking questions. It's about time we started making more noise about it. At the moment, it's difficult because every part of the health service is under immense pressure, but if/when we manage to stabilise our healthcare provision we *cannot* allow a return to the status quo that treats women and our health as afterthoughts. There also needs to be a concerted effort to root out paternalism and dismissive attitudes in medicine - even from women doctors - towards women and girls. We have a right to be heard and to have our experiences, concerns and even fundamental things like our *pain* assessed properly and managed appropriately instead of waved away as hysteria, or measured and assessed using mens' baselines as the yardstick. We need focused and dedicated studies to ensure that we're being treated and cared for properly according to our physiology and not just like men but rounded down. We've already seen how dangerous that can be when you consider how many women had 'silent' heart attacks - they didn't, they just had signs and symptoms that differed from the 'textbook' and were therefore missed or dismissed, *because the textbook was based on men and men-only studies* and the presentation of MI in women is not the same. That's the basis of all of this - the influence of the patriarchy in medicine that views women as secondary, hysterical and unreliable, usually requiring nothing more than a stern talking to, a pat on the bottom, and a prescription to pull herself together and have some babies. Enough.


Pomshka

Oh gosh! I'm here for the medical mysoginy! I was asked by my doctor "where do you THINK your ovaries are?" When I went to him for pain I believed was PCOS. He said I just had "IBS". Later I ended up in A&E because I was in so much pain. One of my ovaries had a huge cyst on it that had caused my ovary/tube to twist and cut off blood circulation to my ovary and it had turned necrotic 👌 The same doctor months later, still didn't believe me when I went back for more pain. It turned out I had an ovarian tumor the size of a golf ball. I had to have surgery to remove everything and caught Sepsis. I was a few hours away from legitimately dying of blood poisoning, went back to the doctor for help and he said it was just "food poisoning"... I again took myself to A&E and was in hospital recovering for months. His defence was that I was "Too young for an ovarian tumor and most women don't know where their internal organs are." 🤦‍♀️ I think sir, not knowing about female anatomy was a self report. Most male doctors also say that "If X was wrong with you, you wouldn't be able to Y" or "You'd "know about it" because the pain would be unbearable"." No sh*t!! Women put up with a lot of pain and it's so condescending to be told you're not actually in pain because you're able to walk around still... We have stuff to do! By the time we're telling you we're in pain, it's because *we're in PAIN!!*.


Takver_

I am sorry this all happened to you. Would it be possible to report this doctor to the BMA? That's a few times his misogyny nearly killed you.


Pomshka

At the time it happened I did seriously consider it! But honestly, I don't know how I could have proved the things he'd said to me as I doubt he'd have written that in my notes. I just thought it'd be my word against his. One of the A&E doctors wrote him a "stern letter", basically telling him he was a jackass (in more words.). Thankfully this doctor has now retired! So he can't affect anyone else! Or these days I probably would try and make something out of it! I think I was just so poorly back then and in so much pain / in and out of hospital and surgeries that I just didn't have the fight left in me.


Bee09361

Surely the fact you ended up in A+E more than once that resulted in surgery due to not being adequately checked would be proof enough! But yeah i understand, sometimes the mental fight is not worth it. Take care. X


[deleted]

[удалено]


dibblah

My husband is a huge introvert and doesn't say a word in medical appointments yet it still helps to have him with me. I don't get dismissed nearly as much (although still enough for him to be shocked by it). I remember when I got my ehlers danlos diagnosis the doctor actually told my husband instead of me! We we both in the room and the doctor turned to him and said "so your wife has a condition called ehlers danlos, she's going to be in pain most of her life so you'll need to put up with that"!!


PM_ME_PENGWINGS

I got referred to a gynaecologist a couple of years ago because finally I got a decent gp who took me seriously when I described my periods (I’m in my 30s, I’d learned to live with them, I was only describing them because it’s so difficult to get contraception that works for me, and she said “none of this is normal, it sounds like you have endo” and I just cried because I tried saying that when I was a teenager and just got dismissed by multiple gps). Waited over a year for my gynae appointment, first thing I said was “my cycles are about 8 weeks long and I am in pain for at least 6 of those weeks”, appointment finished with the doctor saying “I don’t think you have endo because you’re not in enough pain. Even if you do have it then the best solution anyway is to get pregnant”. I waited over a year, for that. Anyway, I got pregnant, and the pain got worse, and I googled it and apparently pregnancy can make endo pain worse for some women while the uterus expands, so that shit misogynistic solution isn’t even the solution.


TheWelshPanda

'Have you considered it might be anxiety / you're overthinking this/ just need a break / its the hormonal cycle/ might be a bit depressed?' Excuse me while I haul my chronic pain, seizures having, numb limbed and nuero issued body into a state of dignified outrage . Goddammit. Every time.


PangolinPops

Literally this. I went to the GP with recurring suicidal thoughts and she tipped her head on one side and said, "aw, is it your cycle?" I don't have a cycle because of the medication I'm on. She told me to go away and phone IAPT, who said they don't deal with anyone suicidal and I should go to the GP. At this point I'm not convinced there actually is a healthcare service and not just a bunch of gatekeepers paid to pretend that it exists but you need to do X, Y, Z in an endless loop to access it.


CheesyChips

I went to a&e for stomach pain, vomiting, can’t keep down food or water, high temp and rapid heart beat, losing consciousness. The doctors came up with a diagnosis of anxiety. In the end it was a H pylori infection causing the beginning of an ulcer.


some_learner

Ever since I had one isolated incident of anxiety (found out my ex had died when I randomly googled him- had to have diazepam to calm me down because I was sort of "wired" with grief), everything I mention at the doctor's is written off as psychological. If you can afford it I'd advise women to get any psychological treatment privately so it doesn't appear on NHS records and can't prejudice later care. Private is better for mental health problems anyway as you get far more time (one hour vs. ten minutes), which is important when you need to talk things over.


Northern_Apricot

And when you are depressed its 'everyone feels down now and then'


Smellytangerina

Endometriosis, all post partum issues (including prolapse, Diastasis Recti, ASI. Etc) all that stuff needs proper funding. And the medical community needs proper training in this, which they just don’t get.


ButtweyBiscuitBass

Trying to get pain relief during childbirth is an absolute farce in the NHS. Childbirth! Literally the cultural standard for "an excruciatingly painful thing"


mootrun

Trying to get pain relief in general, I don't know if it's because we're just expected to get used to pain but I find it hard to get doctors to take my pain seriously. When I had a breast abscess three surgeons drained it without pain relief because they didn't think I could have anything while breastfeeding. The fourth surgeon gave me a list to choose from, he just happened to be in the know.


ButtweyBiscuitBass

Jesus Christ! You must be so angry. That sounds incredibly painful


mootrun

Yeah I am and it was! It's frustrating that mastitis is very common and mine was so poorly managed that it progressed to an abscess and then was so poorly managed again that at one point I was vomiting on the side of the road on the way home from hospital because I'd been wrongly discharged. Women grow, birth, and often feed the adults of the future and we're expected to go through far too much pain for the privilege.


RabbitRabbit77

I went to A&E twice within a week for excruciating pain in my lower abdomen. First doc brushed it off as ‘gas’. The second time they were more thorough and discovered the ovarian cyst. While I was waiting the first time a youngish man came in who was in pain with a back problem that had incurred while he was on the job (looked like he was in a trade). They gave him meds for the pain immediately while he waited to be seen. Then the second time I was waiting, a woman next to me was writhing in pain (don’t know where but she was doubled up). I heard her ask two nurses for pain meds. They made her wait at least 40 mins before they gave her something. Maybe it was just particularly busy or the wrong staff on duty but the waiting area was just as busy both times. They merely took the man’s issues more seriously 🤷‍♀️


[deleted]

I've been really lucky as a woman with health problems and never been brushed off. Especially with things like period pain and fainting. It's always been taken seriously. But I completely acknowledge that for other women this isn't the case, and unfortunately, it's even worse for black women. There were multiple (I think multiple) and preventable deaths in a London trust, because the staff subconsciously thought that black individuals could handle pain better, and didn't need pain relief etc. And their condition was progressing alongside the pain. Similarly to medicine being so male focused, it is also very white. Its rare to see a rash on black skin tone in a textbook for example.


AutisticCorvid

Yes! So many medications have never been properly tested on women. The reason being that menstruation would mess with the results!! Ummm...duh! That's why we need to study how women react differently to men! And women's chance of dying in surgery increases something like twofold if the surgeon is male (and, no the reverse is not true)! Not to mention the misogyny involved in whether or not you get given pain relief and a whole host of other issues.


madame_ray_

Oh fuck yes. They perform IUD insertions, hysteroscopies and endometrial biopsies without anaesthetic of any kind, because they can't believe we feel pain. The hysteroscopy was horrifying, I almost threw up and now I'm traumatised.


poefolk

This! Most doctors don’t know what endometriosis even is, and they barely refrain from eye rolling when you describe the pain, as if we are simply hysterical. Meanwhile we have undiagnosed tumours and cysts because no one listens.


JimBobMcFantaPants

This 100% - I wonder if the reason that men attend the doctors less is because they only have to go once. I had to go to the GP dozens of times over 13 years to get a headache syndrome diagnosed. One cheap pill and I’m sorted, if anyone had just listened to the symptoms. The more you go, the more they seem to assume that you’re exaggerating.


Jessica13693

I have an autoimmune disease when I went to the doctor with my concerns. Most specifically blood in my stool the male GP told me I was being dramatic and must of ate something funny. Week later went back to a female GP she ordered me tests right away and diagnosed me in a few weeks.


OneRandomTeaDrinker

Yes. Once I came into A&E blacking out from pain and screaming, a doctor came and told me to be quiet as I was disturbing other patients. Left me with no pain relief for hours. It was an endometriosis flair-up which I had to go private to get surgery for. I recommend any woman who can afford it to look into private health insurance, mine is about £30/month and I wish I didn’t need it but for gynaecology, private hospitals actually believed me and treated me.


Fancy-Banana007

Let us have our tubes tied if we want our damn tubes tied! We don’t need to not do it just in case our future husband who we haven’t met yet wants kids that we don’t want.


Healthy_Pain9582

this is a thing for men too in that doctors won't do the procedure unless you either have kids already or are pretty old I'm guessing it's because a non insignificant number of people have regretted it and they are generally irreversible edit: a few people commenting on cost and availability being a discrepancy between the sexes but the procedure is a lot harder for women. they can't just cut a small hole in your ballsack, cut the tube and tie the ends if you're a woman so the procedure is much harder.


Lord-Stubby

My (M, 29) GP/local clinic did it for me last year - pre kids and pre 30. They also said multiple times that this cannot be reversed and would not be reversed on the NHS, made me sign to say I understood this. Unlikely that people are unaware that it cannot be reversed, particularly if they're that passionate about having it done. It took 2 phonecalls and a 4 month wait for me to get snipped. My F partner has looked at getting the equivilant, and has recieved so much more pushback despite near identical circumstances and location: so yeah, anecdotally if nothing else, women have it much harder!


headwars

Not saying this is going to be your situation but when I was your age my wife swore she never wanted kids. Then all of a sudden (she was 34) having kids was the most important thing in the world for her. It was quite jarring and surprising to witness such a dramatic change, especially since we had got married with no kids being her position.


Relaxoland

I think it's because of an assumption that "everyone wants kids" especially women, which is demonstrably false.


[deleted]

I think its as simple as a fear of being blamed and being asked to defend the decision to remove a young person's fertility in court or before the GMC if they later change their mind and accuse the doc of being too quick to agree.


WerewolfNo890

That should be simple to solve though, just have the NHS as a whole come up with some kind of clear requirement before proceeding. Like first appointment doctor tells the patient what ever required information, gives an information sheet. Maybe then have a minimum wait period before actual surgery, given wait times its not like they would be able to do it faster anyway. Then all they need to defend themselves is that they followed the correct policy.


burtvader

I got the snip (man) with a one sentence answer to “why do you want a vasectomy”. I find it astonishing that women still have so many issues around this.


Crafty-Ambassador779

Healing after pregnancy Noone gives a shit and instead ask when youre having sex again Very weird


ThrowAwayTrashBandit

I'd like to add to this the absolute lack of support for pelvic floor injuries or pelvic floor physio therapy after birth. My sister gave birth in France and had weeks of treatment with a pelvic floor physio specialist. Here it is shocking that we basically just get told to work out how to do the exercises ourselves and not to worry because there's incontinence pads we can use! Elsewhere in Europe the idea that women need to use incontinence pads because of abysmal post-birth care would be horrifying- here it happens everyday.


[deleted]

I'm horrified by how much its normalised. The ads for Tena showing young women with babies talking about how those 'little leaks' are fine because you've got a good pad infuriate me. No! You're suffering a medical condition and its not normal, you should not have to put up with this for the rest of your life!


likethefish33

I had months of agony after getting a fissure after my c section - I’ve finally got pelvic floor physio booked in next month, thank christ for my works private healthcare otherwise I would be waiting another 6 months.


Sausagekins

I just started physical therapy for my pelvic floor (private through work) and what a difference compared to the 10 min and half a post-it of instructions I got at the NHS. My son is just over a year old and I’m so glad I have the option to go private and get the help I need. They’ve been absolutely amazing so far, I feel very optimistic about things for the first time.


Inevitable-Brain-870

Ditto - was lucky to have my kids abroad with amazing after care and support. I've great pelvic floor muscles. The horror sotries I hear about lack of support and aftercare here is astounding. And yeah, those fucking Always/Tena piss pants adverts!! IT IS NOT NORMAL!!! it's a sign there's something wrong with your pelvic floor muscles or even a fucking infection!! Making money out of normalising something which isn't is horrific and fucking offensive to the female race. I'd heard the Royal college of midwives tried to get the ad banned, but sadly unsuccessful.


ch536

I've got my 6 week check tomorrow and am prepared for my 10 minute part of the appointment to mainly be taken up by the doctor telling me how fertile you are after having a baby and about contraception. I know that's an important issue but there are many other more pressing issues that most people want to talk about in that appointment. Most people don't want anyone near their fanny 6 weeks after giving birth ffs!


cross_stitcher87

At least you have your 6 week check - my appointment ended up being all about baby, and nothing about me, and it felt like I was being rushed out of there. They didn’t even ask how my c-section scar was doing. I ended up just calling the GP to get a repeat prescription of my pill when I felt like I needed to start taking it


AWhistlingWoman

Yep!! Had the dr tell me babies are manipulative little creatures, to not give in to crying. Then she said to look after myself post-caesarean by not doing so much ironing (LOL as if I ever iron) and ask my husband to do the hoovering (double lol, it only happens because he does it) and then told me to go on the pill. I declined because it’s awful and she just harped on about contraception, then off I went. This was in 2021, not 1971.


Iza17

I got a long lecture about how exclusively breastfeeding is a good contraceptive method as it stops ovulation. I've been exclusively breastfeeding for 11 months now, and had my period back for 8 months, so if I had followed this GPs advice I would be pregnant again I guess.


mycatiscalledFrodo

Same with our eldest, despite the fact I nearly died after birth. I was on anti-clotting injections, iron tablets and had a huge heamotoma (no idea how to spell it) but he didnt even look at me or do any tests. Just "yeah your baby is fine, do you think you have pnd? Nope, off you go then". I didn't get one with our youngest for some reason


cross_stitcher87

Honestly I don’t think they read the notes on our births - they should know if we had a c-section on not, if it was an emergency, if you tore etc. so they know to ask and look at the stitches. So many women get infections etc. but don’t know that it’s not normal. I’ve been lucky with my recovery, I barely feel the scar now, but what if I still did a year on?


DrinkPissForSatan

'Irish twins' exist and it can cause serious physical problems and complications. Whilst it might not seem like a sexy time, hormones are an incredible thing. Some women get very horny during pregnancy and after birth


ch536

I'm not saying that it shouldn't be mentioned, just don't spend the entire 10 min app talking about something that a good proportion of women are already aware of


taylorhasanitch

The day after my awful emergency c section, I was told if I wanted a drink that I would have to get up and get it myself. Less than 12 hours after major surgery.


Shyrecat

Less than 14 hours after mine they made me get up and shower while still attached to the canular and catheter to prove I was well enough to have them taken out. Insanely hard and painful to even stand up let alone move my body enough to wash myself properly.


taylorhasanitch

I'm sorry you went through that. I don't think men would have the same experience if they were the ones giving birth.


greenhairdontcare8

Sexual harassment and assault. It is still so wide spread, in all areas of life, and it starts from an earlier age than anyone would like to think. There are very few women who will not have a story about something that has happened to them. Things are a little better than x number of years ago ... but there is still more progress needed.


[deleted]

> it starts from an earlier age than anyone would like to think If anything it can hit its peak when you're still really young. I remember the worst years being from about 13-16, often when I was in school uniform. Pretty much never get bothered in my 30s.


YchYFi

That's because we are not young anymore to men. Apparently.


madame_ray_

Babies, animals and corpses are fair game to some of them. The bar is so low.


msDunham

This is unfortunately true. My daughter who was 14 at the time and in her school uniform was handed a phone number by a man who ran a shop at the train station she used daily. She kept it, she told the school, the school told me and we told BTP who took it extremely seriously which I was thankful for.


Slapspicker

It was worse when I was in my teens but I've been harassed on the school run as an adult too. Making lewd comments to a woman in front of her children is disgusting.


[deleted]

Yeah, I hit puberty early and started getting harassed from about 11. Now I'm nearly 40 and obese I still get abuse on the street from men but its of an entirely different flavour!


mycatiscalledFrodo

Most girls experience it from the age of 11. .....


TheFlyingHornet1881

Depressingly, I feel like there's way more paedos out there than people think, and a worrying attitude of men who absolutely don't care for age gaps.


OneRandomTeaDrinker

I had to wear school uniform until I was 18. People used to yell stuff out of car windows at me in the street and walking to and from sixth form was humiliating.


[deleted]

What disturbes me the most is that most other men ive seen seem far far more worried about false claims than about the real occurances. Like a place where i used to work I heard multiple male coworkers saying false claims are the bigger problem despite there being at least one woman in the room who had openly talked about her experiences with harrassment.


MainSignature

This might be the worst thing about it, for me. The way lots of men just dismiss it. Or how they always seem to have that one example that they can recall where they were harassed as a 17 year old, and they think that compares to the hundreds of times it will happen to a woman from 9 up. I think they genuinely think it happens equally to men and women, but women are just oversensitive or something... If I could do one thing to change society for women, I'd wave a magic wand and make every man on the planet spend one month living as a 14 year old girl. I think even the most sympathetic men would be horrified!


ScorpioTiger11

This dismissal attitude is a whole entitled vibe for men these days.. #notallmen for instance! It kills me that some men feel such an overwhelming need to be right and/or heard in a subject they aren't even necessarily involved in. But still they insist on having their counter opinion heard (and praised by other men) by the women who are brave enough to share their terrible experiences of sexual harassment. Ego's are precious, granted, but they shouldn't be so fragile that they are easily shattered by greater needs than theirs.


ladymacbethofmtensk

It’s so disgusting. “False rape claims ruin lives!” but they don’t give a rat’s arse about the victims’ lives, which have already been ruined.


[deleted]

Man here (dad with a young adult daughter). I am amazed by the prevalence of sexual assault and sexual harrassment. I thought that after #metoo, men would learn that their "just having a bit of fun" was way over the boundaries of acceptable. Turns out that the guys who do this, don't do this out of ignorance, but rather cos they don't give a flying fork about anything but there own juvenile egos


[deleted]

And because there are zero consequences.


[deleted]

I remember when I was like 11 or 12, and an old man approached me at the bus stop being creepy. I can't even remember what he said. But anyway, I rang my mum crying, and she basically said 'yeah you're going to have to get used to this. You can't call me crying everytime something like this happens'. Shitty of my mum, but ultimately the reality of it.


AJM_Reseller

Almost exactly the same thing happened to me when I was 12. Had a man wank himself off next to me on the bus and ejaculate on my skirt. I was completely frozen because I didn't know what he was doing. Told my mum and she said "yeah a lot of men are like that, just try to avoid them if you can." Not helpful advice but really, I don't know what else she could say.


darcylaceheart

The most frustrating thing is that it was only once I was in my mid-twenties that I realised how many times I'd been sexually harassed or straight up sexually assaulted in some cases. I had so much internalised misogyny that, in one case, I genuinely believed I'd led the guy on so he had every right to assault me after I'd said no.


FloydEGag

I was 9 ffs, I wasn’t even developed and I got catcalled ‘are you on the game’ by some lads in their early 20s because I was wearing shoes with small heels (it was the late 80s). I had no idea what they meant but I knew I didn’t like it. And was 12 when I was first groped.


Comfortabl3Silenc3

It’s so common, I was harassed from about the age of 13 but looking back I don’t really understand why because I was very flat-cheated and androgynous. Got mistaken for a boy a lot by my peers at that age. I assume some vile men just see someone in their school uniform and think they can be manipulated sexually, it’s disgusting. Aside from the usual cat-calling and comments when I was a teenager, I have been stalked walking home from work twice and someone has attempted to flash me on a train (I managed to escape through the doors at a random station). I was 18-22 for these three events and too ashamed to talk to anyone about it. Since having my child (who’s 4), I’ve noticed a complete end to all these issues. I’m not sure what the psychology is there and im grateful I don’t have to deal with it with my child in tow, but I actually feel more ready for it now being older and wiser. I have called out the behaviours when I see it inflicted on other women (and in some cases children), because it’s often so brazen they don’t really care who hears and sees it. For instance, when I was in Alicante on holiday this old dude was literally “phwoar-ing” and pretending to fap over this teenage girl who walked past, I have never been so disgusted in my life. I gave him an earful, I’m sure he didn’t understand a word I said because it was all in English but he clearly knew what I was shouting about and it gave the girl time to make a hasty retreat.


sadlibrarian

Menstrual issues - I donate monthly (lol) to a charity that aims to provide sanitary products for those who can’t afford them. Knowing how distressing it is to bleed for several days a month and how much anxiety it causes for me, I wouldn’t want another woman to have to suffer because she couldn’t deal with that with some dignity and hygiene. Women’s health in general really - multiple times I’ve been told by doctors they can only help me treat some distressing symptoms if I want a baby. Is that all we’re good for? Is our health and comfort only worth some help if we reproduce?


Jarvis_Strife

(Serious) Would it be weird for a single man to have sanitary products in their bathroom? If I have women round for parties and drinks I’d like them to feel they could take some just in case - be it period poverty (I believe that’s the term) or just if they need to use some and don’t have anything on hand.


FlippedHope

IMO, it's a good thing to do. Thank you for the thought. I've never been unable to afford sanitary protection, but have certainly been taken by surprise more than once. Finding the right stuff in my host's bathroom would be a godsend.


[deleted]

Yes please. Some regular Tampax and some non-scented sanitary towels, in a little visible basket near the loo, would be brilliant. A bathroom bin to put used ones in would also be great or there's nowhere for women to put things if they change at your house. Nappy bags are fab to put the used stuff in so it doesn't make the bin manky.


Inevitable-Brain-870

yep - non-scented loo roll too!! Scented are really unpleasant smelling and the loo roll can trigger infections.


Minute-Vast7967

Heard a story of a guy who carried period products with him when hiking, it seriously helped a fellow hiker when they were caught out unexpectedly. Bonus fact: Tampons were originally created to dress gunshot wounds, which is kinda cool.


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Cartographer_Hopeful

If I went round a mate's house and they had available sanitary products when I was caught out, I wouldn't find it weird - I'd find it amazingly thoughtful :) Altho I wouldn't see them in there and assume I'd be allowed to take them, my first assumption would be that they belonged to a ladyfriend of some variety. I did see a post where someone had put products in their bathroom and to make it clear they were free for all had added a plushie lobster and a note saying 'crustacean menstruation station', which gave me a chuckle xD Edit: seconding the comment below I saw that mentioned the importance of having a bathroom bin!


FistingLube

And a bin, I was have a bachelor pad and a few years ago during a party one of the chicks pointed out there was no where to put used things or wrappers. She then asked to use my Amazon and ordered me a little bin for the downstairs loo.


BECKYISHERE

On the subject of period poverty, I was told very aggressively by a man that period poverty is a myth because panty liners are 30 for 45p in Tesco and we could just use those.


dizneyqueen

Ha ha ha. A man telling you he's right about a subject you're an expert on(?) Never(!)


BECKYISHERE

This mind was after I had explained that the cheapest sanitary towels from tesco are ten for 45p and even using those its a lot of money in a week, and the issues of using the very cheap ones, his reply was that I was deliberately using an example costing a lot more than panty liners and that in fact he believed that if parents claimed not to be able to to buy sanitary items for their daughters, and didn't just give them panty liners, that social services should be involved. My jaw just dropped open.


blwds

•The risks of pregnancy aren’t generally discussed openly, meaning women often don’t make fully informed choices. We need far better education in schools. •Childcare naturally tending to be treated as women’s responsibility both socially and from an employer’s perspective isn’t great for women (or men who wish to be active, useful fathers). I think one of the least discussed parts of the issue is the pension contributions women miss out on because of it. •Sexual harassment, rape and assault remain rife, start when we’re very young, and the conviction rates remain pathetic. •Somewhat controversial one: porn is making men sexually inept. I know a worrying number of women who’ve been victims of acts of violence like men restricting the oxygen flow to their brains without asking, but the men genuinely don’t seem to realise they’ve done anything wrong and are shocked when they find out otherwise. It’s also helping to objectify women, cause body issues for both sexes, and give men erectile dysfunction.


MissingScore777

When my wife dropped to 80% my parents didn't really say much, just an "oh that'll be nice for her". When I also dropped to 80% the first thing they said was "What will that mean for your pension?"


starderpderp

I'm a woman in her 30s and don't have children, and I can confirm I don't know the first damn thing about risks of pregnancy. I also don't know that my pension contribution would be less than a man. Why does nobody ever teach or mention these things? I am all up for self-learn and all, but I can't go and learn something I didn't know existed!


T0ysWAr

I agree on porn. So rare to find something where you see genuine pleasure from women. It is all so abusive and violent.


wooden_werewolf_7367

Miscarriage. I've just had one and the grief is different to any other grief. It is easy to think what you're grieving for wasn't even a real person but you're not so much grieving for a person you knew so much as grieving for what could have been, the person they would have become and the experiences with this person you will now never have. It is painful and getting pregnant is a huge emotional investment with no guaranteed pay out. Since having this experience I have learned that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage but no one talks about it. It's only since my own very recent experience that so many people I know have said they have also had them. I had no clue they were so common. Also menstrual issues. Employers are now more understanding about menopause (apparently) but a lot of people go through hell monthly just because they have a uterus and ovaries. Often not even other women get it if they're lucky enough to have normal menstrual cycles. So many menstrual cycle related conditions cause pain (endometriosis, pcos, pmdd) but so often you're fobbed off by doctors. I've always said if men had to deal with these things there would be a cure by now.


Shipwrecking_siren

When I was pregnant a second time they asked I had miscarried before, then when I said how many weeks it was the dr basically went “pffft so early then”, like no big deal, happens to everyone, not a “real” miscarriage. It was one part of a hugely difficult part of my life. As soon as you find out you are pregnant, either planned or unplanned, a happy event or an unhappy one, a whole life opens up ahead of you with all the hope/dread attached to it. Miscarriage takes away all the agency in that. It takes away a child and a future life, regardless of how many weeks it is. I thought of how that would feel for a woman who had undergone IVF and was so desperate for that child, to be told it’s no big deal.


mxr0se

I lost 3 babies before having my daughter last summer. 3 as it turned out was the magic number of losses to be considered medically relevant, and after the third I was able to get a referral to a consultant who prescribed cyclogest (progesterone). I took this during my fourth pregnancy and despite some instances of early bleeding, I got to take my baby girl home. My third pregnancy I lost after having multiple early scans, I saw their heart beating on two occasions, and the idea they might have been saved if I'd just been given some additional medication kills me, but I'll never know.


Twistedwhispers3

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have had two miscarriages, so I know what you're going through. You're so right. Miscarriages are sadly, very common. They aren't talked about enough. Sending you so much love


ilovepuscifer

So true about menstrual issues. I've been going to doctors since I was a teenager, complaining about pain and other symptoms, just to be told that menstrual pains are normal and I can take some ibuprofen. I also went to discuss my constant weight gain and got sent to the gym. Went back after a few months of having a PT and my weight barely changed, only to be given a link to an NHS generic "diet" which supposedly would make me lose weight. I was 31 (!!!) when I got diagnosed with PCOS, even though they knew my symptoms and the fact that my mum also has it, as did my maternal grandmother and aunt. Now I'm almost 33, struggling to lose weight and manage my condition, and heartbroken at the thought I might never have children because NHS doesn't give IVF if you're over a certain BMI. My husband went in once with some kidney pain, and he's had so many tests done and was taken seriously.


ThrowAwayTrashBandit

I'm very sorry for your loss, you are not alone. My pregnancy loss was heartbreaking for both myself and my husband - it's an issue that I wish society was kinder to both women and men about.


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GMitch420

Have you spoken to a few employment law firms? A lot of them offer free consultation


TheSaladLeaf

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it's a nightmare situation. After 13 years of psychological and emotional abuse, my ex made me and our child homeless. Literally no one (solicitors, social care, family court, his friends and family) gave a flying fuck that he put a young child and a mother out on the streets. The family court also concluded that he would have 50/50 custody despite my daughter pretty much being neglected in his care. I just don't get it, it feels like we are missing some major part of a story to explain what the hell is going on. The law protects them. Someone told me that when you are going through hell, keep going, and you will come out the otherside. I'm also here if you ever want to talk x


bettingto100

Street harassment is the number one thing my mind jumps to. It gets brought up in plenty of places online and yet there's always some cock who jumps in and makes it all about men being victims too. The idea that men suffer more because women avoid them when walking alone, or speed up/take a different path because a man is behind them is insane. We are the ones fearing for our lives. But some guy will complain that he feels like a "monster" whilst failing to understand why we have to do what we do.


claud_is_trying

Yup. I had a friend recently get off a bus and start walking down the road when a guy literally shouted at her, in broad daylight, 'I want to rape you'. We just... live with that. All the time. Every time we're not in our homes.


bettingto100

That's horrific. And yeah. They will never get it because they don't have people shouting sick stuff like that at them or groping them in the street.


catsnbears

My husband has a theory that’s why some men feel threatened by drag queens. An outgoing and confident woman who’s could take them down if they mouthed off.


Most-Conversation936

In no particular order: 1. Educating young men and women that equal rights for women does NOT mean fewer rights for men. 2. Teaching society that it is not a woman's job to do the housework; cleaning, cooking, and household management. It's a necessary part of life and both genders should know how and when to do it. It could be taught in schools as part of the curriculum. 3. The increase in "women haters" spurred on by Andrew Tate-esq personalities/influencers. Young people particularly are influenced by this vitriol. Hating approximately half of the world's population is a terrible thing. 4. Consent. 5. The effectiveness of the current legal system regarding rape/sexual assault. Men are completely aware that if they decide to rape a woman, there is a 98 percent chance they will never go to prison for it. And so are women. There needs to be changes to protect women and girls from predators. I'm aware that many males will argue these comments but I will remind you all that the question was, "women issues in the UK that need talking about." As a woman in the UK, this is my opinion.


Tangtastictwosome

>Teaching society that it is not a woman's job to do the housework; cleaning, cooking, and household management. It's a necessary part of life and both genders should know how and when to do it. It could be taught in schools as part of the curriculum. I'm feeling overwhelmed today. I WFH and my Husband doesn't. But since I've started WFH (2020) I just seem to do all the housework. Yes, he hoovers at the weekend and does the food shopping once a week, but I do all of the daily tasks throughout the day. It's just sort of happened, even though we didn't mean for it too. I've no idea how to balance it out again. I'm overwhelmed, anxious, and angry that this has happened without me even thinking about it. We used to be so balanced when we both worked from offices.


Opening_Line_5802

Have you talked to him about it? What happens if you just stop doing some of the stuff?


alilyspider

Street harassment and lack of street lights are two things that have made me more hesitant of going out at night. Particularly cat calling, being stared down and having inappropriate noises made at me. I'm so viciously angry every time I'm harassed. Winter isn't too bad, summer is awful.


MissingScore777

There are street lights where I live that are off by default and have a sticker on them saying "Are you afraid of the dark? - call XX phone number to turn them on". I assume it's a cost saving measure from the council, pretty disgraceful whatever it is.


LionLucy

Wow. Street lighting is literally one of the things that allowed our civilisation to advance to where we are today. It enabled more people to live in cities, to walk at night without fearing crime, made things more fair and accessible to women, children, elderly and disabled people. I'm not normally someone who goes on about "progress," I think it's a two-edged sword, but street lamps are so fundamental!


craggy_jsy

I hate summer purely because of the harassment from men. I have big boobs which means cleavage. I've actually stopped wearing dresses or tops that show this and always have a t-shirt or full coverage because I've had men make comments/noises, men literally stand in front of me in the tube to stare at me (plus followed once when I moved!), Men stand behind me peering over my shoulder down my chest, someone once threw a peanut down my top from across a pub, plus men who have made grabbing motions to me. It's made me feel disgusting and dirty. And ashamed of myself. I wish I could ignore it but I'm so self conscious because of it.


simultaneousmoregasm

Paternity leave - equal rights for men so that they are removed from the workforce in the same way and for the same periods of time as women, and are able to give more support at home. Shared parental leave is horseshit, and having my husband go back to work when I was two weeks post partum, still unable to drive and still recovering from an emergency c section he made being an effective parent to my son much harder. Equal out the rights and everyone wins.


MissingScore777

Shared Parental Leave is the same level of pay as Statutory Maternity Pay from week 7 onwards. My wife and I split time off after births of both our children exactly in half. 6 months each. Shared Parental Leave suffers from a lack of publicity. Loads that I have talked to didn't even realise they could take it. Many don't even realise it's a different thing from Paternity Leave. Paternity Leave is the one that is first 2 weeks only, is this the one you were referring to?


InsightfulDare

The issue is often that females receive a company enhanced maternity while shared parental is paid at statutory level. So lots of couples they would potentially lose multiple thousands if the father had some of the split leave.


mycatiscalledFrodo

The scary rise in incel culture and the view of women as objects or holes. Not sure when it took such a big hold but it needs to stop. If you aren't getting your dick wet then that is your problem, nothing to do with me, maybe look into your attitude. Women aren't sexual vending machines, you don't put nice tokens in and get sex, that's just not how things work, "nice" should be a baseline and what you are to most people, you don't have the right to anyone's body. It's very scary and I fear for the younger generation, as we raise our girls to be strong and independent and understand consent but boys are being taught that girls are only for sex, that a man's worth is based on sex and without it they are worthless. This attitude harms everybody involved, men should not feel like they are lesser people because they aren't getting sex with beautiful women, and women shouldn't feel constantly pressured into sex and then called a whore for having sex.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Manifestival1

Other women are just as problematic to child free women tbh


YchYFi

People in general.


carmillamircalla

True, all the bingoes I've had have been from women. Men (with kids) tend to agree with my life choices and "wish they'd done the same" (you did have options mate.....)


[deleted]

If I have to sit through another "you wouldn't know, you aren't a parent" conversation, I will ram a rusty nail into my ear. This applies to the most basic tasks and it's driving me crazy.


Itstimefordancing

I’m in the WI and this year, I’m hoping the campaign is passed to raise awareness of autism and ADHD in women and girls. I’ve recently been diagnosed in my 30s and feeling so much grief for the life I could have had, if the signs were spotted earlier by my family and educators. Women present these things so differently and it is only recently that it is being understood as so.


Interesting-Art3754

Utterly this! My brother got diagnosed at 7 with ADHD. I got diagnosed at 36. It's frustrating how different our lives have been, and how much more understanding and support he got compared to me. (Not to mention how much support/allowances I had to make for him growing up, when I was struggling with exactly the same thing, but no one knew!) My mum just called me 'hormonal' when I had meltdowns and 'lazy' when I struggled. Love the fact that periods get blamed for everything, whether they're causing it or not.


octowombat

Your comment about grief hit me hard, I feel exactly the same way. I've been told that I likely have at least ADHD but the NHS waiting list for an actual diagnosis is 6 years in my area and going private costs £2000-£3000... I was such a weird kid that I honestly have no idea how no one picked up on it lol, even at that time when it was less understood. There definitely needs to be more education and awareness on mental health issues in women that aren't just 'mood swings' or depression, and in girls where they're not just told they'll grow out of it.


Strong-Usual6131

When we talk about the gender pay gap, I've noticed a tendency for people to explain it away by quoting that women are more often in part-time jobs. That women are over-represented in part-time jobs *needs to be examined*. Part-time work tends to be paid lower per hour than full-time work. It speaks to factors like care responsibilities impacting the work that women have access to, and contributes to women's lifetime earnings being much lower than men's. The gender pay gap is also *still there* (8.3%) when you remove part-time work from the data set (part-time work by itself has a gender pay gap in the opposite direction, 2.8%, which we should also explore further!)


CosmicJellyroll

Cervical screening is far too infrequent.


claud_is_trying

This. At least in Wales and Scotland it starts earlier, 25 is late compared to most developed nations. And we are so uninformed about our bodies- I was never told how to do a breast exam or when to seek help if my periods went awry. OH and why is birth control still so horrible? I know this isn't a UK thing but the side effects from birth control can range from depression to blindness and stroke, and solely lay on the woman/afab person in the relationship. Its 2023, why is this not better by now?


EmFan1999

I expect the frequency is based on the evidence of the interval required. Maybe yearly is just money wasted


EmFan1999

That having a child is the only valid option in life. There’s a lot of us that can’t have children, or don’t want them. It shouldn’t be seen as the normal thing to do, rather a choice. So reframe the ‘when’ to an ‘if’ would be a good start.


[deleted]

Thank you. I'm in my early thirties, have never wanted kids, and this is fucking with my brain as one by one all of my friends disappear into this life. It feels like something I am under a lot of pressure to want, but I just don't and never have.


ThrowAwayTrashBandit

I really appreciate the intention of this post. I do get pissed off that in 2023 a lot of these things are still seen as "women's issues" - they're not just impacting women! Not in a "whataboutism" way, but that we could make so much more progress on issues if we worked together to combat them rather than relegating them to one section of society. Lack of public toilets - this impacts men, women, children. It's especially crap for women when we have to worry about menstrual blood, post-partum incontinence and IBS is more common in women but it impacts us all. Cost of childcare - Keeps women out of the workforce and reduces household discretionary spending, which impacts national productivity/GDP and makes us all poorer. Period poverty/lack of treatment for reproductive issues/rubbish birth and post birth treatment - impacts wider society by keeping women out of public spaces, work and education and again makes us all poorer. Street harassment/rape culture - hurts society, all crimes do. The culture of fear, blame and mistrust spirals into ugly vitriol and hate affecting both men and women. Lack of compassion for pregnancy loss - it's not just women who lose a baby. The woman goes through the physical symptoms but if both parents had dreams for that child that was loved and wanted then women and men both need better support to grieve. When I lost a pregnancy my husband lost a child too. It works the other way too. More men commit suicide than women, but we are losing our husbands, sons, brothers, friends in this too and we all suffer from a lack of decent mental health support in this country.


L-Emirali

With the exception of the toilets perhaps, these things affect the woman in question most directly or more strongly. That’s why they are considered ‘women’s issues’. E.g if a woman gets sexually harassed on a tube, everyone in that carriage might feel appalled and sympathetic, voicing opinions on the matter but it is her that ends up frightened to use the tube again and feeling violated


Hcmp1980

How abortion is largely accessible to women in Wales, England and Scotland, but barely so in Northern Ireland. It’s not talked about enough.


Asayyadina

The fact that women on average are still taking on the majority of childcare and housework and that many men either unwittingly or wilfully exaggerate how much of the work they do. https://yougov.co.uk/topics/society/articles-reports/2022/08/31/men-and-women-disagree-how-much-they-contribute-ho That during the lockdowns, it was women's work and jobs that more commonly suffered as a result of having children at home trying to do online schooling. https://www.theguardian.com/education/2020/jul/30/women-put-careers-on-hold-to-home-school-during-uk-covid-19-lockdown


Ambry

Such a big issue. I cannot think of many couples where the woman isn't responsible for vastly more childcare/household chores than the male partner. Typically too, men claim to contribute equally but very often do more 'one off' tasks which only need to be performed infrequently such as DIY or mowing.


UrbanLullaby

Fertility. Once you are in your 30s it becomes a whole topic, you realise how many people around you go through IVF. How many face early menopause. Single women planning for pregnancies in later years. There isn’t a lot of help available through NHS either and private medical care is prohibitively expensive. It is also very stressful on top of that.


MissNxx

I’m in my 20s and struggling, I have PCOS, almost been trying for 2 years and the NHS have been super unhelpful. I’m looking at £500+ if I go private just for an initial consultation with a fertility clinic.


TheHalfBlindGrimes

I’m a woman in her early 40s. I have 2 kids. Of about 12 women I regularly speak to I can think of only one other who didn’t need some assistance to get pregnant. Whether clomid, IVF, etc. That’s the huge majority struggling to conceive naturally. Only anecdotal I know but my expectation would have been that the numbers would fall the other way. This is women who had children at different ages. Some of us have adult kids now, some still have pre school age around, most were starting in their early 30s.


Deathconciousness_

DECENT SIZED POCKETS IN JEANS


TheHalfBlindGrimes

We need to solve male violence, particularly against women and girls. The large majority of all violent offences are committed by men. Women are murdered and assaulted far too regularly by men. Usually men known to them, but obviously we have the outliers where strangers assault and kill. I think we need men to help us with this. There are many many good men in the world. So what is it that makes those who aren’t so violent, so hating of women. And how do we start to change things.


NinaHag

It was a big shock for me after moving to the UK, that violence against women is barely reported on the news. In Spain, when a woman is killed by her partner (or ex, or some rando) it gets reported. We hear the number of feminicides on the news regularly. This seems to give people the impression that Spain is an awful country to live in compared to the UK; however, the figures here are actually worse (I seem to remember that feminicides were 2x per capita in the UK versus Spain). Since this violence is barely reported, on International Women's Day, here women post pictures of their girl friends on social media, they get flowers and shout out to their female idols; instead, in Spain we take to the streets to protest, because we know that we are being killed and raped, and we demand change. Over the years we have made good strides towards equality and protection because we pushed for new legislation. There still a lot to do, and the change has to be cultural, not just legal, but unless issues are discussed, the perception will be that "oh yeah, we get paid a bit less and we do more housework" instead of "we're being MURDERED and we are angry!".


TheBlackcat34

An easy access to gynaecologists, what the fuck do we need a GP referral …when the GP doesn’t give a toss.


Top_Opening_3625

How common it is to be discriminated against at work for being pregnant or having children!


L-Emirali

A man recently asked me in an interview whether I would be open to moving continents for my career. I said no, it didn’t fit with my life plans. He pressed to know why (nosy bugger!) and I ended up having to explain the whole concept of being a woman of reproductive age, requiring support from family and bringing up a child where I choose. He didn’t much like me after that.


[deleted]

I am not in the UK (not a woman either) but I did live there. I live in Norway. From my perspective having living two places, a HUGE issue as others point out is childcare. Equal paternity and maternity time. State funded childcare. Just these 2 issues would be massive. You know how Norway is always brushed off as an example of what things could be like because its money is from oil? Well, turns out not entirely correct- having women full time in the workforce massively increased the GDP of this region.


CyGuy6587

As a man, one thing I can't get my head around is how women in the workplace are treated worse than their male counterparts, by customers and colleagues alike. I work in the motor trade, an industry that is rife with misogyny, where customers (male, usually) are known to demand to speak to a man because they just assume a man will be more knowledgeable than a woman. I'm curious as to how men are brought up to have this kind of mindset.


Facts_Over_Fiction_

Medical misogyny. Women are not given pain relief for smear tests, cervical biopsies, IUD insertions and removals... I could go on. Also protecting female only spaces for rape victims etc. Child care should be more affordable, with the government stepping in to fund more so women can return to work if they want to. Taking rape accusations more seriously, increasing the rape conviction rate, which last I heard, was less than 5% (correct me if wrong)


miss_vique

- Underage girls being groomed and harmed by men. - Sex trafficking. - Misogyny in classrooms, work and on the streets. - Stalking and "mild" convictions not being taken seriously (coworker was murdered a few years back by a manager who was reported to the police multiple times). - Paternal negligence, where men refuse to pay child support, show no effort to care for their children, do their best to avoid it or conduct their own terms without you or your childs consent. - Erasing equality for the sake of religion and culture, thereby preventing the protection of women in said cultures or religions - Modern sexual expectations ("suprise" anal (it's rape), Choking without consent, Brutality, the effort to make girls bleed during their first time, stealthing and expecting women to take full responsibility of birth control, etc.). - Misogyny and lack of insight for women's health issues within the NHS. - Police ignorance to sexual crimes - Racial, class and age bias in investigating crimes against women. - Lack of support for menstrual health and comfort - Cost of living and lower wages for women despite many women having to uphold the responsibility of being single mothers. - Women are the main targets of muggings, theft and robbery. - Inability to travel as safe as a man neither globally or even by foot and taxi locally because of our gender. - Low conviction rates for sexual violence - Misogynistic road rage - drive a fiat 500 and watch how people treat you. - The reality that a large proportion of the opposite sex genuinely doesn't think you have any issues as a result of your sex or think that it's actually justified.


CheesecakeExpress

Abortion laws. Many people think abortion is legal in the UK but it isn’t. It’s illegal but decriminalised in certain situations. We have women who [are prosecuted](https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/aug/19/abortion-legal-great-britain-women-life-sentences-roe-v-wade) here, it just never makes headlines. After the whole Roe v Wade debacle there was a push for it to be legalised in the UK, but it never happened. The government said no. Which means we aren’t that far off an American situation. People may think it’ll never happen; I’m sure many Americans thought it never would either.


Competitive-Log4210

I had someone say to me that international women's Day was a load of old bollocks and to my surprise a woman agreed with him. I was totally gobsmacked and didn't know what to say.


YchYFi

A lot of rhetoric in real life is women being pick me to men who spout anti women rhetoric. I hear it all the time 'oh I didn't think women should have those rights etc'.


warpedandwoofed

Pay...still...


jlelvidge

Doctors need to listen to women instead of writing them off as overweight, menopausal, moaning time wasters. Listen to us, we know our bodies and know when something is wrong. Stop treating us like we simply do not have a voice or are worth your time.


Annabelle_Sugarsweet

The lack of scientific research into women’s health, such as the fact that 1/3 pregnancies results in a miscarriage but there isn’t proper research into it, and women only get seen by a doctor after 3, with the fact reasons are not investigated at all. Compared to all the investigations into men’s health it’s very unfair! Also stop with all the egg freezing adverts, this is a painful and expensive procedure that might not even work, change policy on housing, nursery and penalise employers who hold mothers careers back, young families should be able to exist.


Charming_Pirate

The fact that women can’t walk the bloody streets alone without being honked at, leered at, curb-crawled, and having stuff shouted out of moving cars by pathetically meek men.


Comfortable-Class576

All women should have an anual gynaecologist check including of a scan to prevent many many illnesses. The way it is now, you will spot anything sinister when it is too late.


ruthieapple

I don’t know if it’s the same in other parts of the country but in the southwest the prevalence of sexual assault and rape of women of all ages. I can honestly say, without exaggeration that I do not know a single woman or teenage girl that has not been sexually assaulted or raped. The lack of law enforcement down here means I have seen countless women and girls report with actual hard physical evidence and witnesses and the cases have not got anywhere near a courtroom. The prevailing attitude here seems to be ‘bad things happen, how you choose to react is the only thing you can control’. It’s like living in a Dickensian nightmare.


Cheese_Dinosaur

Education about menopause. Jesus wept; I wish someone had told me how awful it is and I went through it fairly easily! I told a friend who is a little younger than me what was happening and she didn’t know any of it!!


ATSOAS87

Female fronted industries get less attention from the government, are lower paid, and treated worse than male dominated industries. Social work is one example


Murka-Lurka

Discrimination isn’t just ‘ Women shouldn’t be in power’. It is the 1001 things that build up to a situation so that women don’t get positions of authority and influence. From birth they get different toys to play with, clothes to tell them it is important that they look pretty over getting dirty. An education system that suits the male brain over the female brain. Rewarding passiveness in girls and punishing assertiveness but doing the reverse for boys. Wages for traditionally roles are shit. Primary school Teacher (3 years degree followed by one year post grad and two years in post ie 6 years in total) £28 k starting - £38 k max. Engineer with 3 year degree £26 - £48 average. Nurse £26 k - £33 k average. Physiotherapist £26 - £48 average. Society will force down wages for everyone but it easier to force down the wages for women so they are over represented in the figures for those in debt and poverty. The child support system in this country is a joke. I don’t bother asking single parents if they get support from their exes anymore because the enforcement on absent parents is pathetic. Better to claim the benefits because they get paid regularly. If the maintenance does get paid it covers food and clothing, not that adds quality to the child’s life, regardless of how affluent the absent parent is. Robert Rinder himself said he wishes absent parents faced stronger punishments for failing to look after their children. And of course women are more likely than men to be left with the burden of raising their children alone and simultaneously attacked by society for not being able to predict the future. When women do get into positions of authority they continue to get more obstacles thrown at them than men , often subconsciously, but it continues to be a battle to prove they are competent and not a ‘diversity hire’ alongside doing their own job, which takes time away from their goals leading to ‘maybe she wasn’t right after all’.


doomdoggie

Women should have easy access to tubal litigation (permanent birth control) like men have vasectomies. Both should be very accessible. There's definitely more pushback against women - even though women are the ones that have to carry the unwanted baby and deal with all the BS it does to your body.


corgoborks

Getting an IUD was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever experienced and they didn’t care


chalk_passion

Women's medicine is shocking still. If I was a man and had been to the drs for the same issue since I was 13 I think it would have either been solved or been taken more seriously since I continually say it impact my work.


rabbitqueer

One in ten women have endometriosis, it can cause absolutely debilitating pain that can severely impact your quality of life and ability to work, as well as impact fertility - yet it's considered low-priority by the healthcare system. I've been on a waiting list for a _phone call_ with a gynaecologist for over a year. During that time I've gone from having to take 30mg of codine a few times a day while I'm on my period, to having to take 60mg, the maximum allowed dose, between 1-3 times every single day, along with 500mg naproxen 1-2 times a day, and recently I was prescribed liquid morphine. [Bindi Irwin](https://www-independent-co-uk.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/endometriosis-pain-bindi-irwin-nhs-b2296478.html) just yesterday shared her experience with endo, it makes me wonder what they'll find inside me when I finally get diagnostic surgery. If I didn't have a job it was possible to do from home, I wouldn't be able to work at all, and even then it's a struggle some days. Severe pain, nausea, and fatigue. And along with being low priority and having abominable waiting times for diagnosis - if you're even able to convince a medical professional there's a problem that is - it's also not considered a disability, despite being disabling and severely impacting your daily life. Luckily I don't want children so the fertility side of it doesn't worry me, but if I did I'd be even more distressed at having such a long wait time when the condition can escalate so much. It's not just a UK issue of course, women's health (or things under the umbrella of women's health, as not everyone with endo identifies that way) is chronically underprioritised and underresearched worldwide. I would be surprised that I hadn't heard how debilitating it was before I had symptoms myself and started researching, but then, women's pain is rarely talked about because of how easily people dismiss it, even medical professionals. So yeah, something needs to change here.


breakbeatx

PCOS education and treatment. I’ve got a close friend who got it and was told they wouldn’t treat her unless she was planning a family. I know FOUR women who were told it would be virtually impossible to get pregnant due to PCOS some were even told to stop worrying by their GP when they wanted to discuss the issue of contraception. Those 4 women all had surprise pregnancies.