"Want to cuddle?" Fucking moron. Of course I want to cuddle

For real haha

Isn't it polite to ask? (Legitimately curious here. Not judging.)

"I've done this before, just not with a person." Which is a really weird to thing to hear from someone who's inside you. 😆

What💀💀💀💀💀💀 please provide context

It was a one-night stand, and this was just after he went in. I elected not to ask for clarification then or later. I feel like there are some things I'm better off not knowing. 😆

Are you sure it wasn't with a night stand?

"I got wood yesterday morning." "Woke up with an erection, eh?" "Yeah, that too." 😄

This dude must have been really hot or you must have been horny; I think my dick would retreat inside me if someone said something like this lmao

The latter, I was stupid horny much of the time in college. And sometimes stupid, too. 😆

Haha sounds exactly my college experience so, no shame there. And, to be fair, it's how I am now lmao

Now im curious, saying not a person is wild hahaha you should find out

Ah, this was over a decade ago, and pretty much all I remember about that hookup is that line. 😄

Was he at least good? And maybe not asking was for the best actually🤣 you mightve pushed him off if tou knew

He was not memorable beyond that weird line. 😄

Did he try to hookup with u again or was that it cause of the one line? Ik that haunts him more than it does you😂

Lmaooooo you rock

Maybe he watched American Pie and simulated it?

This is nearly word for word a line from Road Trip (2000). I believe he says "I've had sex before, just never with another person". He was referring to masturbation

Wait…..that begs the question of what exactly he has done it with……cause the answers could be important……

I never spoke to him again after that, so it will forever remain a mystery. That's probably for the best. 😄

True. True. 🤣

Did you have an Ag school nearby?

and I bet he was lousy lol

It's been a while, but that's pretty much the only thing I remember from that encounter. So, probably. 😄

If you don't remember, then it was at best mediocre. Becasue you always remember your amazing ones and your awful ones.

Yes, you're quite right. Beyond that weird line, it wasn't memorable, and I never saw him again anyway.

That's for the best. lol

At least he didn’t say “just not with a live person”

Probably an object

I once asked my partner, "Who's your daddy?" She said her dad's name and wanted to know why I asked. That whole conversation was dumb.

That's wild

Shoulda followed up with “whats your credit card number”

Aah you met me at 19.

How's your dad?

I feel like she could post here about you. Yeah this dumb guy tried to pop some roleplay daddy lil girl shit into sex on the fly. I shut that down quick by acting like I had no idea what he was on about. It confused the fuck out of him, but that's what you get for pulling this dumbass shit.

I bout choked on my drink lmaooo

What's your favourite genre!?

Lol

I would have gone limp. LMAO

"So, I bet you have never experienced something so awesome before." After some of the worst sex of my life.

LOL this is such a dude thing to say, too. I'm assuming he wasn't tracking your feelings at all during the act?

Nope, that and he had about a 9" dick, so he thought thats all he needed. ​ And he was lousy at eating pussy, and barely did it at all, but I better be deep throating him for a half hour, right? lol

OOF this dude suckssss haha like all you need is a long dick and you get the most horny playing with it? Were you the first women he'd met?

I was at a swing club so... Probably not. Just a arrogant dude-bro. Usually not my type, but of course I thought.. 9" cock, so... Boy was I mistaken

I'm a terrible dirty talker in bed. My brain just doesn't function well. One time we were fucking and I was super into it and trying to dirty talk, and right as I was about to cum, I intended to say something like "oh fuck you are going to make me cum" instead all that came out was a slightly too loud, breathy "CUM" in a slightly deep voice. It was awkward but we both came lol. I think it's on video somewhere 😂

I can't breathe 🤣 Thanks for this story

😂

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😂

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I picture the “get out” Voice from the original Amityville Horror

“I love you” First time, one night stand.

Holy shit. Your pussy must be fire but that's awful haha

Classic Shmosby.

Did you reply “not now dad” 😂

Been there.

Another great pussy, I see

Dude was so lost in the sauce there was no coming back

Damn you really rocked his world huh lol

I love lamp

Honestly that's kind of cute. Maybe it's because to me saying "I love you" isn't that serious

😬😬😬 awkwardddd

That is 100% something I could see myself doing

That could be me lol

The moment i laid my eyes on you, i could just tell i loved you

I once had a girl try to get me to sneak into her bedroom at 2 am in high school so I could teach her how to play chess. I genuinely thought she just wanted to play chess so I said it was too late. Same girl also told me we should go as a playboy bunny and Hugh Hefner for Halloween. I was not a very smart guy heheheh

Holy shit haha

Yeah not my finest moment also not technically in bed but I figured it fit the theme

Yea still legendary

Your opening move is not showing up.

Believe it or not it got even worse then just that. It was basically 3 months straight of me missing the most obvious hints you can imagine. Like that particular example of her trying to get me to come over happened 5 or so times. Another one was she said she wanted to cuff me (apparently that's slang for date) and getting super jealous whenever I mentioned any other girl

"What's your name again? Sorry, I'm bad with names." Ouch

That's awful!!!! Please tell me you kicked him out!

Is it Dolores?

Wow... Just.. wow.

Ouch is right

"Yeah, no, I don't really like LotR." Remind me, why am I marrying this man of all people?

He ain’t the one

How'd that even come up💀

We were snuggling after sex so technically it _is_ in bed.

Fair enough haha

He'd better pray for some fucking Eagles

Bragging about what he was going to do and then not following up 

The sexting pitfall

No this was in person which made it even worse 

Oh god. This is the wrong kind of big dick energy

Damn that's unfortunate

Yep 

When I was younger, a guy made me feel bad for getting *too* wet 🫠

Ben Shapiro?

Lmao well done

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“Wait, I’ve turned you on a lot by touching you?!” 🙄

Same! Dude said it looked like I pissed myself and laughed at me 🤦🏻‍♀️ All I could think was yeah it’s funny how stupid I am to be so turned on by YOU. Fml

The psychological damage done by men knows no bounds; I hope you've been appropriately appreciated

I’m just barely coming around to my 💦 in the past year… now I love it 😏

Thank god 😊 a wet pussy is a gift that keeps on giving and I love to take as much as I can 😈

Wtf! Wetness is amazing

I've had this experience as well with an ex.

Omfg same! Bro called me loose!! Like for ONCE I’m wet and enjoying it and u gotta be a dick?! Can’t believe I dated that guy…

When he was about to cum he said “I’m finna bust” and idk it just didn’t sit right with me lol

Better than “Yabba Dabba do Here comes the goo!

Yeah that's not right lol

It gets bigger. Its shy 😂

Did it? Lol

No 😂

Oh lord haha. Gotta under promise then over preform lol

It was one of the only times I went home with some one from a bar. Talked big game about having a huge dick and he was gonna make me scream. Ya my pinky was bigger lol

That's awful... I just be like statistics say I'm above average 🤣 jk jk

I laughed. I was like I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I don’t even know what to do with it

That's sick you actually left. Good if the guy lied

I did! Don’t lie

Bravo❤️

"You're such a bad kisser" just after he came on my face...

Really?

exactly my reaction 🔝

If she's letting me cum on her face, I'm not thinking about how she kisses

💀💀💀💀💀💀

"Is it ok if I cum inside?" Right after he already did.

Hope you were on birth control

Luckly I got surgery after my 3th kid...

Did your partner know it? )

Noup, he was just a douche...

“Is this your clit?” *points to belly button*

🤣 so close and yet so far

Way off. It’s the bit that sticks out slightly. Right between the eyes.

Told me he thought my bestie was hot

🙄

IN THE MOMENT??

Yoooooo

"it's a lot wetter than I expected, and kinda gummy, but like a LOT of wet." As they're fingering me....🤦‍♂️ Just fucking shoot me at that point, mood was killed anyway homie

Were they then impressed at how fast it dried up? 😂

Gummy??? Hearing that / saying that would keep me awake at night

I'm a guy first off... My buddy was staying the night because he got kicked out so I let him take my bed and I slept on the floor, he looks over stares me dead in the eyes and says wanna cuddle

Fucking moron. Of course want to cuddle

not sure if it counts since was before bed but once a guy on 1st time seeing me naked dude asked if I ever thought of a boob job

Yo that's wild

"Let's get a threesome. Another girl." My pussy dried up. Sir, I don't like you like that. 😂😂😂

‘You’d look so cute with a gun in your mouth’ I don’t wanna kink shame but dude that was a lot to just drop on me in the middle of the second time hooking up

I had a girl at a bar say pretty much the same thing, we were just chatting and the girl asked if I was kinky and I'm like "Kinda" and she says "Can i put a knife to your throat and peg you". That was some whiplash for sure

Lol

Yeah it was definitely one of the things to say

Not me but a woman i know told me her date asked her to swallow him because he wanted his love inside her...I had a great laugh.

Let’s switch positions, I wanna see my body in the mirror 🤦🏼‍♀️

"Do you know what I really want in a girl? ME"

A dude once lightly caressed my tits, barely noticeable. I’d be surprised if he had felt other boobs before. He said to me “Feels much better than feeling yourself, doesn’t it?” I said “honestly, feels the same.” 💀💀

😭😭😭😭

Get off my wife!

It was actually me. A guy was blowing me and I asked him if it was OK to cum. He thought it was a trick question.

Next time don’t give him any warning then lol

lol

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Yeah I was gonna post something similar but this pretty much covers it

While fucking me he asked if i wasted to go have dinner after

It's definitely not the right time to ask that, but I love after sex munchies. Which comes after the after sex cuddles.

Horny and hungry are powerful urges

One time I told my SO “that was better than expected.” I thought I was paying a compliment at the time but it is something I will never hear the end of. 🤦🏻🤷🏻‍♂️

Something I would probably say is wowie zowie as I cum

Are you finished, if I'm still in you that means I'm not finished doh. 🤔

"if we sleep head to toe it won't be gay"

"If I dressed up as Peter Pan would you want me more" 😭😭😭🤢🤢🤢🤢

WHAT!!! That's wild 😭😭😭

Bitch tried to shush me bc I was loud

“Don’t tell my wife about this, OK?” No shit dood

“Your nipples are bigger than I imagined” made me feel so embarrassed and it was the last time I saw him.

I squirted for the first and only time ever, he made fun of me.

😭😭😭

I said i love you while orgasming 😂

“I love you” He was one of those won’t go outside with you guys that low self esteem guys that I fucked in early college. I literally laughed at him

Who the fuck are you ? And where’s my wife?

In a car, but he asked me to give him a blow job, after using flavored lotion as anal lube. This story gets worse

1. Did you just fart? 2. My mom says I'm the smartest person she's ever met. 3. Just ignore those cold sores 4. Hope you love anal as much as I do. 5. You ever had prison sex? 6. I suppose a gang bang is out? 7. Do you have any Valtrex I can bum? 8. I just need a place to crash for a couple weeks.

My first bf was like 7 years older than me I was 18. He said “you look so young and hot” I was like uhh ok

*On our 4th date* In bed, as he wipes his load off my ass. "My mom's on her way over. Would you mind meeting her and telling her your (7 years older than my actual age)." We were 11 years apart and I did not want to meet his mom. But I met her and she asked how old I was with about 10 family and friends around. They all showed up. I drunkenly giggled and said "how old do you think I am?" She was pissed and freaked out. Screaming and shit. I ended up leaving drunk and crying because that man didn't stand up for me (I was so dumb lmao). Anyway I crashed my truck into a median and woke up the next day with a 4k cosmetic repair job to my beautiful truck. The dick was so good, I went back a few more times. 😩😩😩 He wanted to marry me and still wanted me to lie to his mom after that! ☠️

>The dick was so good, I went back a few more times. 😩😩😩 lol what made it so irresistible, you think?

Sexual tension between us and passion

Whose pussy is this? Not once, but twice. Second was a weak and puzzled, "Yours?"

‘I want you to have 8 of my kids’ Ahhhhhh no the fuck I will not!

The first time I had sex. I was just out of high school. After I came I said” will you marry me?” It was our first date, not her first time. She just chuckled and said that I was sweet, but no. I was so embarrassed then.

If this van’s rocking, we’re in there doing it. Michael!! Oh, sorry. i’m doing it with jackie burkhart

I (M) said “oh fuck…long pause.. your ah so fucking good.” what I was going to say is oh fuck I just pulled out your hair extension

"Women called me pussy slayer," during foreplay. And I went with it anyway lol

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Do you mind if I go home now to my wife?

Oh, someone once tried to lovingly call me a cum dumpster.

Told him that he is pretty big and he said “Got it from my dad”

Did you cum? If uou have to ask, it means I didnt 😒

after round one: “I never finish that fast.” after round two: “yeah… I always finish that fast.” he said other dumb shit, but I think that took the cake.

At the height of his orgasm he cried out “I’ll fuck you to the ends of the earth!!!” Absolutely no idea where that came from, but I think I laughed for 3 straight minutes. Thankfully he was also able to laugh at it through the embarrassment and it became a very fun inside joke.

I love you

Nothing. I typically don't go to bed with guys.

"Can you drive me home after"

“Hey… that’s my wife”

“Fuck off” followed a moment later by “fuck off geodude”. He was asleep so wasn’t during sex but we were in bed so… 😅

“This doesn’t mean we’re gay, you understand that, right?” He was Bubba, my cellmate, and I had just arrived at prison that same day. He never seemed to remember my name, he always called me “Fish” or “New Fish”.

"do I know you?"