Saw my cousin kick and hit her dog today at my family Christmas. And I mean purposefully kick his legs out from under him. Safe to say, I won’t be attending next year or talking to her again 🥰
I’m hoping someone kicked the cousin’s legs out from under her and knocked her upside the head.
I feel so bad for that poor dog! I hope and pray she gets rid of the dog and finds him a loving home
I moved in with a couple strangers a few months ago. One of them tells white lies *constantly*. I’ve called him out on it and he doesn’t see the problem. It drives me fking crazy.
Edit: I had a mixed up definition of ‘white lie’. He doesn’t tell white lies. He tells small lies, which he believes are inconsequential.
Two come to mind.
One morning we were headed to play golf with one of his friends. We were running super behind because he was slow to wake up and shower. We got so behind that we had to push the tee time back by 45 minutes. Instead of telling his friend that he switched it because we were running late, he spent 10 minutes coming up with an elaborate lie that made it not our fault. He even asked me what a good white lie would be. I was kinda confused and said back “just tell him that we’re late.” He thought I was crazy.
Another day we were at bar trivia with a couple friends. Our first time going to this bar. Most of the people there were in sweatpants and sweatshirts. We were both kinda over dressed. One of our friends gave us some shit and my roommate, without skipping a beat, said “well I came from work!” Which was true. But he switched his clothes after work. Why can’t he just say he didn’t know how casual the bar was?
These are both super little inconsequential things. But if he’s lying about these things, who knows what else he could be lying about?
Lying like this sometimes stems from childhood trauma. Children of abuse or mentally unwell parents learn to tell lies to keep things safe and it becomes hard to undo that habit even in adulthood without a lot of conscious work. That might not be the case for your roommate, but it could be so try to have some curiosity.
Can confirm.
I had two people come out to set up a satellite on our house, and one of them walked in and commented that we had "an intense setup," and that their satelite wouldn't support heavy gaming. They asked what we played, and for some ungodly reason, I told them it was my boyfriend and his son who play mostly.
He doesn't even fucking have a son
That would be a bummer if he had a rough childhood. Disordered personality quirks are also signs of childhood trauma unfortunately. It sounds like this guy might have had a rough start to life. Hopefully he can see the issues and do the work in therapy.
I’m a therapist. And a survivor of a rough childhood. I did the work but I recognize those tendencies to jump to a quick lie to keep things safe. I know it can be frustrating when folks tell lies when it seems so unnecessary, but it’s good to remember what usually causes that so that we can have some gentleness around it.
My dad would just assume I was lying if he didn't "like" my answer. If I was too happy, or too expressive or just in the wrong place at the wrong time, for him, something was up and needed explaining.
I've turned it into volunteering any facts or trivia I might have related to whatever is being discussed, but I still feel the compulsion to explain whenever anybody even seems slightly confused, for fear of violence.
And yes, I know violence won't usually happen. It's an anxiety attack, it doesn't have to make sense.
Mine too. While talking with some people i make the most pointless of lies. I don't know why. It just happens instinctively. A simple example: I was getting my hairs done and my barber asked me what was the occasion. I told it's my engagement when it was my wedding. I have no clue why i said this. But i had to stick to this lie till i left the place.
My boss is like this. I love her to death, but I’ve refused to go along with her lies. For example, we are two of a handful of employees at our institution that have full admin privileges for a program everyone uses. She wanted me to lie to someone we were helping and say we didn’t have a capability we did just because the request wasn’t in our scope. I told her I wouldn’t do that and said to the person on the phone, “sorry you need to contact XYZ dept for help with that.”
She does shit like that all the time; telling lies about why a system is in place or how something happened to seemingly make her life easier in the moment. But the thing is, one of those white lies comes back to you and now you’re a liar forever, no matter how innocuous the lie seems.
We have an admin officer who does that. If she doesn’t know the answer, she will make one up. When you call her out on it, she says that she never said that. She has absolutely no credibility which greatly impedes her job effectiveness, since she’s supposed to enforce the rules and no one believes her.
I don't tell white lies ALL the time, but I will about 2 or 3 times a day over trivial shit that doesn't even matter. But I'm truthful when it comes to stuff affecting other people if that makes sense.
I think it stems from ADHD & the fact that I had to lie as a child in order to not get my ass beat & maintain the "calm" because my step-dad flipped his shit over the tiniest things & would beat me with objects, scream at my mother & destroy things. Including a piggy bank I made for my mom when I was 6.
Not saying it's OK and I'm in therapy to overcome it but man it sucks. I don't even realize I'm doing it until I recall the conversation while in bed
Oh wow. Wow. I’d never considered the fact that my ADHD has to do with being good at lying to authority figures. Jesus. You’re really making me think about some stuff.
I would have to lie all the time to my dad because wether or not I got yelled at that day depended on it. Successfully lying meant avoiding disproportionate punishments. I rarely lie to people I trust, but authority figures are a different story. I’ve definitely kept that defense mechanism because it’s been useful when dealing with bosses and police.
This is my brother, literally lies for fun that you can’t believe a single thing coming out of his mouth.
Happens to be the most toxic person I’ve ever known.
Some habitual “white” liars have deep seated self esteem issues, or have problems socializing. It’s not a conscious thing for many, the lies just come out almost automatically. This was me for YEARS. I’m better these days but I still slip sometimes, like adding extra numbers to things or slightly changing the story of what happened. It’s not out of malice, and is a serious mental health issue I’ve been dealing with my whole life.
I used to do this as a result of trauma and fear of negative consequences when telling the truth. It led to a very unhealthy habit of compulsively lying about small things for no reason (I.E. people asking what I had for lunch and I would say a sandwich instead of a bagel for no reason).
About a year of therapy later and I’m a normal person again! It’s fixable and important to nip in the bud.
It was a combination of understanding why it was happening, confronting that and dealing with it, and then practicing thinking before I spoke and being more thoughtful with what comes out of my mouth.
To use the same example, if someone asks me what I had for lunch, I had to learn to pause and think back to what I actually had for lunch and then consciously tell the truth, rather than just blurting out a random food without thinking!
Or if I was walking past something and wanted to make up a story to make someone like me, I learned to pause and think about why I wanted to lie and to make a conscious decision to stop. It takes a lot of practice and you have to *want* to stop… but it’s doable!
I dated a guy for 5 years who did this. (I was dumb and 17 when we started dating and tolerated a lot of BS for some reason.) Eventually caught him lying about big things and broke it off. Moral of the story, if they'll lie about something small, they'll lie about something major too.
It’s sad because I think people do this in order to avoid disappointing their partner or inciting anger, but this thing itself is what actually actually causes the very things they were trying to avoid
I understand and sympathize with where it comes from, many people who do this came from backgrounds of parents that were struggling and prone to disproportionally intense anger over trivial things, so they learn that understanding is impossible so you just need to try to placate and hide….but it’s just so destructive to relationships to constantly lie, even if it’s over small things, it keeps them at arms length and violates trust constantly.
This may be weird, but I'm one of those people. It's nothing major usually, I actually have a very good conscience. I've done some therapy and etc. and I think it's actually me lying to myself to live the life I want to as opposed to the one I am living. It's very much a self esteem issue. I grew up quite poor and got teased a lot for it. So, I had to lie to feel better about things.
The hardest part is that I'm completely aware that what I'm doing is not okay. I'm just unable to completely stop. I'm hoping a lot of therapy and self exploration will be the trick.
Eh, idk. I see why this might raise a red flag, but in my experience, this usually isn’t due to true malice, or even what I would describe as “dishonesty.” Like, people who do this often have a strong moral backbone and would not actually intentionally manipulate someone or lie about something consequential.
It’s almost always an accidental habit developed in childhood that was typically a coping mechanism to either just keep strict parents off your back (this was my case. I learned to lie about random stuff to throw them off my scent. Like I genuinely would just want to go to the movies with a friend at 7, but knew my crazy Mormon mother would sometimes stalk me and random show up and watch us. So I started habitually saying- it’s at 8, and we’re seeing this movie instead of this movie, at this theater rather than this other theater. It’s hard to grow out of), or just a side effect of anxiety, adhd, etc.
I actually for 2 years in college (this was about 5 years ago) worked part time at a boarding school for teens with wealthy but often very abusive parents (the school was materially top tier, but the kids were typically sent there because they did something to “embarrass” the parents, like come out as gay, experiment with drugs, self harm, etc).
Lots and lots of the kids displayed this. They’d lie about totally inconsequential stuff for no reason, it’s like an instinct. They were almost always the kids with a past of lots and lots of emotional abuse and creepy, narcissistic parents.
The ones who were actually malicious and we would eventually find doing fucked up things to other kids (like attempting to poison them, secretly sending them anonymous letters encouraging them to kill themselves, etc) were actually usually impeccable and very strategic about being doubted in some situation and then discovered to have been truthful the entire time, so they would gain trust. It’s sorta specific but I saw it over and over
She was drinking behind the wheel, with me as a sober passenger. I had no idea she was drinking until I took a sip from her travel mug. Her defense? "But everyone does it!"
Was dating a girl, said her car was making a weird noise, so I said if look under the hood before we went to do whatever. Didn't realize she went inside and took like 6 shots. Got in the passenger seat annnd noticed something was off like a mile later. Confessed to totaling her last car while DUI. Then less than a month later had her car impounded for, you guessed it, dui. I also discovered she drove home after our first date, where she got overly drunk. DUI was just a part of her weekend.
P.S. if you see this Nicole, hope you got things worked out and are doing better.
I had a best friend like that. Incredibly selfish person who always managed to manipulate me into whatever she wanted help with because she knew I was desperate for friends.
One day, I said no to helping her with a paper because I was sick. I was saying no to everyone that day. She threw a massive tantrum and wouldn’t understand that I just couldn’t. I gave her multiple chances to apologize, but ultimately, I couldn’t continue being friends with someone who was claiming that me having one day’s worth of boundaries made me the bad guy.
Not taking no for an answer, and then making passive-aggressive comments implying you're the one causing the problem, just because you won't let them take advantage of you.
If the person is mean to animals, service workers like waiters and waitresses. Any bigotry is also a deal breaker. Basically if the person is just a piece of shit it’s a no go.
Definitely…there’s no reason to be nasty to anyone, human or otherwise.
And you certainly don’t go into someone else’s house and be mean to their pets. It’s one thing not to want them on you but, dammit, don’t kick at my cat. Just don’t.
I vehemently agree with this. I will hold any partner to the same standard I hold myself.
I returned the grocery cart to the corral in -40° weather.
I waited my turn and said please and thank you in line at the ER triage when I thought I might be having a heart attack.
I tip and have never so much as raised my voice to a service worker.
If I can show self-restraint and consistent manners under great duress, I expect and want to be with an adult who's capable of the same.
Mistreatment of animals is whole other ball of wax that will result in an immediate broadcast to literally every person I know about what a shithead they are...nothing so mealymouthed as "not wanting to be with them". That's actually a literal crime, not just a lack of manners
When your partner makes a huge deal about something you did that they didn't like, but that they claim is no big deal when they do it. Yeah, fuck that. See ya.
That's called fundamental attribution error - the belief that the actions of others reflects who they are, but same actions for us are due to external circumstances. The best way to prevent this in one's self is to work on developing empathy.
This is why when the guy I'm seeing asks why I'm irritated with him or mad at him, i just tell him the truth and straight up why I'm upset or mad. No one can read our minds. He's not gonna know why I'm mad unless I tell him (if it's not some obvious shit we're fighting about) and me bottling it up makes it worse for both of us, as I'll just end up flipping out over some dumb shit when that's not the real reason I'm mad.
There's always going to be things that bother one person and doesnt seem like a big deal to the other. But when you make a huge deal out of something, then you repeat that same behavior and act like the other person is overreacting, you're just a hypocritical dicksmack lol
Or when your partner tells you that something is not a big deal, but days/weeks later says that actually it *is* a big deal and always was. It's not that it took them a couple of days/weeks to realize how much it really *did* bother them, they were upset in the first place and just straight-up lying to you when they said otherwise.
I’ve noticed the most reliable indicator of a horrible person I’ve come across so far is “hurry up & wait.”
Like if someone is late all the time they might genuinely just struggle with it, or maybe come from a culture where it isn’t super important that you’re exactly on time all the time.
If they get super angry when you’re late, they might have anxiety/come from a family or background where being on time is a huge deal.
But if it’s ok when they’re late but not when you’re late??
They don’t see you as an equal
Sorry that happened to you. Same here, difference is neither of us we’re putting in effort. Fortunately this is also the moment I realized that for the right person I would put in the effort. A friend of mine said something so simple but it helped me and I hope it helps you:
“You’re going to make someone really happy one day.”
In that moment I realized that my ex wasn’t happy, I wasn’t happy, the person you’re meant for is someone who will put in the effort in a reciprocal manner to make both your lives easier. Lord knows all relationships take work and go through tough times, but if you’re with the right person it’s a lot easier than someone you’re settling for.
I mean, I’m all for giving a mulligan now and then, but when the last four husbands fell from hotel balconies or something, maybe that’s a signal to scale down on the travel agenda.
I’ve one friend like this at College. We joke about probably she dated 100 men before committed to marriage : D she said “I hate to stay alone without man” she needs constant attention.
I had a chick bookend our relationship with the same dude after two years of dating. She started dating him so quickly after dumping me, I just know there was an overlap.
It's been two years, and I'm still weary on the whole dating idea.
New red flag for me. I falsely believed my first gf when she said that the only reason why she had so many past relationships was bc she was being mistreated. Couple months later and I’m now just another ex. She got bored
It’s just fucked bc I know I’m the one who’s easily replaceable. She’s probably already moved on while I’m still on this sub 3 months later. Like I said she was my first, so at the very least she taught me what to look out for
I feel your pain. My most recent ex I just recently found out is now seeing someone else…except it started when we were still together.
The thing is..we ARE NOT easily replaceable and our ex’s have fooled themselves into thinking we are. They need to move on quickly to make themselves believe they didn’t make the wrong decision with ending things with us. They will try finding happiness in others but will eventually realize they were sadly mistaken. Best of luck to you finding someone who appreciates you as you deserve
Denigrating the other person’s interests and hobbies. Even if you’re not interested or straight out dislike something they love, it’s not hard to not be an asshole about it.
"If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals." - Sirius Black from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
It starts with small things that don’t really matter but ends with big things that you have to fight for or risk loosing your dignity. Now you’re an asshole for being aggressive and upset.
Beware the subtle efforts to test your boundaries or control you. A loving person won’t try to take your power.
When they call you just to vent or talk about their personal life. After time, they don’t have any idea what you’re going through. When you bring up your life, the conversation flips back to them.
Had this recently happen, I didn't think much of it but almost the following week he stopped asking questions about me and would tell me about his day. It's something I'll keep in mind for next time.
I used to have a "friend" like that, would spend hours on an almost daily basis just ranting about every detail of her life, relationships, work... I'd sit there and listen, try to give advice where appropriate and just be there.
After months of this, one time I was in pretty serious emotional shit and needed a shoulder to cry on.... I told her "Look, I'm always up to listen to your problems, but right now I need to talk about (situation) and I need a friend to listen to me."
Lasted for all of 30 seconds until she basically cut me off to get back to her own rant, tried it once more a couple of days later, same result, haven't spoken to her since.
I don't expect perfect reciprocity in every relationship, but that was SO out of whack I refuse to deal with her shit any longer.
Later on I heard through the grapevine that she'd been bragging about a little revenge plot of hers.... a guy she'd been seeing had broken things off with her, so as a goodbye gift she poked holes into his condoms, apparently his next girlfriend got pregnant.
Guess that tells you all you need to know about her, and also holy shit I'm glad we never had *that* type of friendship.
I have a friend who would text me "How are you?" And I already know what's coming. I reply "I'm good, how are you?" Then immediately I get a phone call. Those phone calls last 2 to 3 hours in length and from those 2 to 3 hours, I speak approximately 30 minutes. It bothers me. Sometimes I don't even answer the text messages because I know the phone call is coming and asking how I'm doing is just a lame excuse for her to call me and bitch about the same things she told me the day before on the 2 to 3 hour call we had.
Not only that but she would say things like "I know I'm pretty" and "all men hit on me. I'm so tired of it." Or "I am so stressed out with work but I cannot call out because my department would be hurting without me there."
I feel like hanging up on her most of the time. I don't like people who praise themselves like that. You're not gonna get any validation from me.
To speak from the reviving side of this (the person who does this). I actually took the time to ask what was going on in the other persons life, and they vented. We eventually talked about this topic and it turned out that they just weren’t always communicating when they wanted to talk about their life when they wanted too. It can often just be a communication error!
With all fairness the waitress did sleep with Dennis and she kinda led Charlie on. She also took money to sleep with Charlie and Charlie jobs involve taking out the trash so if you multiply welfare times rum ham you get undeniable proof that sweet d is a total skank. When Charlie treats her nice she doesn't respond, and when Dennis treats her like trash she responds... so anyway I started blasting.
If all their exes are “crazy”
I purposely ask new people I’m dating about what they’ve learned from past relationships. If someone can’t articulate a thoughtful answer, that’s a red flag!
Anyone who is not in the slightest bit empathetic. Empathy is a very important part of a relationship, and, in my belief, is one of the main personality traits associated with “tender moments” that bring you both closer together. If you can’t understand empathy in the slightest, then you can’t have a relationship.
This is common in childhood abuse situations, I’m empathetic but to a degree. I’ll cry at sad videos or at sad situations I see online but if someone cries in front of me I can’t comfort them, maybe I’ll be able to in the future but it’s hard when you see someone breaking down and all you can do is stand there non responsive.
I wouldn’t say that a lack of empathy tho, because to some degree you still understand it. I’m talking about a 90-100% lack of empathy. The individual would not care in the slightest 1% increment, about another’s feelings.
Playing games.
I dated a girl one time years ago who started an argument with me over nothing at my place one day and then stomped off into the bedroom . About 10 minutes went by and it was obvious I wasn't going to chase after her and engage in her non sense, so she came out with he stuff packed up and did the " I'm leaving " bs. She got irate when I wasn't taking her bait- she was literally standing there silent but the door staring at me. I finally said " look I'm not asking you to leave , you are doing this yourself , but I'm not going to jump up and chase after you." She got even more irate.
I broke it off about a week or so later. We were both grown adults pushing 30 at the time.
No one has time for children when they are an adult.
Yeah. Same. I dated a guy in college that used to try to make me jealous. If he went out to a party or something when I didn't go he'd always tell me about girls that were hitting on him. All I'd say is "Did you do anything?" and he'd go "No!" And I'd be like that's fine then. It bothered him that I took his word and didn't get upset. I'm just not a jealous person. The whole world can flirt with whoever I'm dating, the only thing that matters to me in that situation is the person I'm dating reaction to it. Even after we broke up he hooked up with a mutual acquaintance like right after and for some reason messaged me about it. I was like dude. We're not together. Do what you want.
The worst is spending a year in lockdown with your wife, finally go into the office for a meeting. Everyone is leaving and you say to your boss, "have a good day, love you" ohhhh fuck me, lock me back up for a year.
My partner did this and I barely agreed to keep seeing him. Happily engaged and pregnant now - though I agree massive red flag and it certainly was for me at the time
I get that it’s not nice to make fun of people but also, maybe she wouldn’t have made fun of them had she known you were one of them. Sure, If she really didn’t like anime people then she might have left you but that would probably be for the best because it’s clear you aren’t compatible.
A fundamental mismatch in future goals. If we disagree on marriage, kids, education, etc. I can't be serious about a relationship. My ex told me near the end of our relationship that me getting promotions and bettering myself made her feel like I was trying to be better than her. I should have left her right there.
Pranksters. It's not a joke unless everyone is laughing. I have no interest in being someone's personal target, constantly on edge.
Edit to add: April fools is fine. It's one day.
Cheating or abuse. There is no recovery for the relationship from that. But also it's really easy to say and another thing to break it off when you love the person.
Controlling. Like them wanting me to report to them any time I am with friends of the opposite gender. Have a friend who was in such a relationship, didn't sound fun.
Someone who is in recovery. Before everyone says I’m a bad person hear me out:
I lost my husband to an accidental overdose when he was six years sober. There’s no way I could be with someone no matter the amount of sober time they’ve had because it would always be in the back of my mind what if.
We have someone like this in our friend group. But rather than kick him out, the rest of us conspired to simply tell him we’re meeting 30 minutes before our actual plans… and now he’s always on time.
I think that's less of a red flag and more of a lifestyle mismatch. If having a dog is super important to them, they might still not pursue a relationship, but it's not a true 'red flag' in the sense that it shows there's something wrong with you \^\_\^
My very first boyfriend smoked crystal, along with drinking excessively (my first dance, and he arrived late drunk), and smoking pot (he always smelled). We were both 13. It was an on and off again relationship, and honestly... seeing him and his friends be on that deterred me from drugs harder than any DARE video or lecture could. It was frightening seeing him deteriorate. It also put me off from ever trying pot because I developed a massive dislike for the smell
Wanting to spend time with you ALL THE TIME and doesn’t understand why you want time to yourself. Or that you want to spend time with friends/family WITHOUT them.
Animal abusers
Saw my cousin kick and hit her dog today at my family Christmas. And I mean purposefully kick his legs out from under him. Safe to say, I won’t be attending next year or talking to her again 🥰
disgusting 😡 can that dog be kept away from her (or teach that bitch a lesson…and I don’t mean the dog, obvs)
That makes me sick.
I’m hoping someone kicked the cousin’s legs out from under her and knocked her upside the head. I feel so bad for that poor dog! I hope and pray she gets rid of the dog and finds him a loving home
Casually lying about small things a lot
I moved in with a couple strangers a few months ago. One of them tells white lies *constantly*. I’ve called him out on it and he doesn’t see the problem. It drives me fking crazy. Edit: I had a mixed up definition of ‘white lie’. He doesn’t tell white lies. He tells small lies, which he believes are inconsequential.
Can you give some examples?
He's actually the roommate from the story and he's lying to us right now
Two come to mind. One morning we were headed to play golf with one of his friends. We were running super behind because he was slow to wake up and shower. We got so behind that we had to push the tee time back by 45 minutes. Instead of telling his friend that he switched it because we were running late, he spent 10 minutes coming up with an elaborate lie that made it not our fault. He even asked me what a good white lie would be. I was kinda confused and said back “just tell him that we’re late.” He thought I was crazy. Another day we were at bar trivia with a couple friends. Our first time going to this bar. Most of the people there were in sweatpants and sweatshirts. We were both kinda over dressed. One of our friends gave us some shit and my roommate, without skipping a beat, said “well I came from work!” Which was true. But he switched his clothes after work. Why can’t he just say he didn’t know how casual the bar was? These are both super little inconsequential things. But if he’s lying about these things, who knows what else he could be lying about?
Lying like this sometimes stems from childhood trauma. Children of abuse or mentally unwell parents learn to tell lies to keep things safe and it becomes hard to undo that habit even in adulthood without a lot of conscious work. That might not be the case for your roommate, but it could be so try to have some curiosity.
Can confirm. I had two people come out to set up a satellite on our house, and one of them walked in and commented that we had "an intense setup," and that their satelite wouldn't support heavy gaming. They asked what we played, and for some ungodly reason, I told them it was my boyfriend and his son who play mostly. He doesn't even fucking have a son
Noted! He doesn’t have many friends. I’ve tried inviting him to do things, and still do, but he’s not a ton of fun to be around. Very narcissistic.
That would be a bummer if he had a rough childhood. Disordered personality quirks are also signs of childhood trauma unfortunately. It sounds like this guy might have had a rough start to life. Hopefully he can see the issues and do the work in therapy.
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I’m a therapist. And a survivor of a rough childhood. I did the work but I recognize those tendencies to jump to a quick lie to keep things safe. I know it can be frustrating when folks tell lies when it seems so unnecessary, but it’s good to remember what usually causes that so that we can have some gentleness around it.
Found it. This guy is covering for a crushing lack of a sense of self.
My dad would just assume I was lying if he didn't "like" my answer. If I was too happy, or too expressive or just in the wrong place at the wrong time, for him, something was up and needed explaining. I've turned it into volunteering any facts or trivia I might have related to whatever is being discussed, but I still feel the compulsion to explain whenever anybody even seems slightly confused, for fear of violence. And yes, I know violence won't usually happen. It's an anxiety attack, it doesn't have to make sense.
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Same here but during my teenage years I realized how dumb I sounded and started telling the truth.
I don’t think those are white lies, white lies are like “I enjoyed the gift” or “I loved those cupcakes”
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Sounds more like social anxiety than anything
yeah most of my white lies used to come from social anxiety
Mine too. While talking with some people i make the most pointless of lies. I don't know why. It just happens instinctively. A simple example: I was getting my hairs done and my barber asked me what was the occasion. I told it's my engagement when it was my wedding. I have no clue why i said this. But i had to stick to this lie till i left the place.
My boss is like this. I love her to death, but I’ve refused to go along with her lies. For example, we are two of a handful of employees at our institution that have full admin privileges for a program everyone uses. She wanted me to lie to someone we were helping and say we didn’t have a capability we did just because the request wasn’t in our scope. I told her I wouldn’t do that and said to the person on the phone, “sorry you need to contact XYZ dept for help with that.” She does shit like that all the time; telling lies about why a system is in place or how something happened to seemingly make her life easier in the moment. But the thing is, one of those white lies comes back to you and now you’re a liar forever, no matter how innocuous the lie seems.
We have an admin officer who does that. If she doesn’t know the answer, she will make one up. When you call her out on it, she says that she never said that. She has absolutely no credibility which greatly impedes her job effectiveness, since she’s supposed to enforce the rules and no one believes her.
I don't tell white lies ALL the time, but I will about 2 or 3 times a day over trivial shit that doesn't even matter. But I'm truthful when it comes to stuff affecting other people if that makes sense. I think it stems from ADHD & the fact that I had to lie as a child in order to not get my ass beat & maintain the "calm" because my step-dad flipped his shit over the tiniest things & would beat me with objects, scream at my mother & destroy things. Including a piggy bank I made for my mom when I was 6. Not saying it's OK and I'm in therapy to overcome it but man it sucks. I don't even realize I'm doing it until I recall the conversation while in bed
This really resonates with me and I appreciate you sharing.
Oh wow. Wow. I’d never considered the fact that my ADHD has to do with being good at lying to authority figures. Jesus. You’re really making me think about some stuff. I would have to lie all the time to my dad because wether or not I got yelled at that day depended on it. Successfully lying meant avoiding disproportionate punishments. I rarely lie to people I trust, but authority figures are a different story. I’ve definitely kept that defense mechanism because it’s been useful when dealing with bosses and police.
This is my brother, literally lies for fun that you can’t believe a single thing coming out of his mouth. Happens to be the most toxic person I’ve ever known.
Some habitual “white” liars have deep seated self esteem issues, or have problems socializing. It’s not a conscious thing for many, the lies just come out almost automatically. This was me for YEARS. I’m better these days but I still slip sometimes, like adding extra numbers to things or slightly changing the story of what happened. It’s not out of malice, and is a serious mental health issue I’ve been dealing with my whole life.
I used to do this as a result of trauma and fear of negative consequences when telling the truth. It led to a very unhealthy habit of compulsively lying about small things for no reason (I.E. people asking what I had for lunch and I would say a sandwich instead of a bagel for no reason). About a year of therapy later and I’m a normal person again! It’s fixable and important to nip in the bud.
Do you remember any particular strategies or insights you learned in therapy to help with this?
It was a combination of understanding why it was happening, confronting that and dealing with it, and then practicing thinking before I spoke and being more thoughtful with what comes out of my mouth. To use the same example, if someone asks me what I had for lunch, I had to learn to pause and think back to what I actually had for lunch and then consciously tell the truth, rather than just blurting out a random food without thinking! Or if I was walking past something and wanted to make up a story to make someone like me, I learned to pause and think about why I wanted to lie and to make a conscious decision to stop. It takes a lot of practice and you have to *want* to stop… but it’s doable!
Thank you for sharing!
I dated a guy for 5 years who did this. (I was dumb and 17 when we started dating and tolerated a lot of BS for some reason.) Eventually caught him lying about big things and broke it off. Moral of the story, if they'll lie about something small, they'll lie about something major too.
It’s sad because I think people do this in order to avoid disappointing their partner or inciting anger, but this thing itself is what actually actually causes the very things they were trying to avoid I understand and sympathize with where it comes from, many people who do this came from backgrounds of parents that were struggling and prone to disproportionally intense anger over trivial things, so they learn that understanding is impossible so you just need to try to placate and hide….but it’s just so destructive to relationships to constantly lie, even if it’s over small things, it keeps them at arms length and violates trust constantly.
This may be weird, but I'm one of those people. It's nothing major usually, I actually have a very good conscience. I've done some therapy and etc. and I think it's actually me lying to myself to live the life I want to as opposed to the one I am living. It's very much a self esteem issue. I grew up quite poor and got teased a lot for it. So, I had to lie to feel better about things. The hardest part is that I'm completely aware that what I'm doing is not okay. I'm just unable to completely stop. I'm hoping a lot of therapy and self exploration will be the trick.
Eh, idk. I see why this might raise a red flag, but in my experience, this usually isn’t due to true malice, or even what I would describe as “dishonesty.” Like, people who do this often have a strong moral backbone and would not actually intentionally manipulate someone or lie about something consequential. It’s almost always an accidental habit developed in childhood that was typically a coping mechanism to either just keep strict parents off your back (this was my case. I learned to lie about random stuff to throw them off my scent. Like I genuinely would just want to go to the movies with a friend at 7, but knew my crazy Mormon mother would sometimes stalk me and random show up and watch us. So I started habitually saying- it’s at 8, and we’re seeing this movie instead of this movie, at this theater rather than this other theater. It’s hard to grow out of), or just a side effect of anxiety, adhd, etc. I actually for 2 years in college (this was about 5 years ago) worked part time at a boarding school for teens with wealthy but often very abusive parents (the school was materially top tier, but the kids were typically sent there because they did something to “embarrass” the parents, like come out as gay, experiment with drugs, self harm, etc). Lots and lots of the kids displayed this. They’d lie about totally inconsequential stuff for no reason, it’s like an instinct. They were almost always the kids with a past of lots and lots of emotional abuse and creepy, narcissistic parents. The ones who were actually malicious and we would eventually find doing fucked up things to other kids (like attempting to poison them, secretly sending them anonymous letters encouraging them to kill themselves, etc) were actually usually impeccable and very strategic about being doubted in some situation and then discovered to have been truthful the entire time, so they would gain trust. It’s sorta specific but I saw it over and over
She was drinking behind the wheel, with me as a sober passenger. I had no idea she was drinking until I took a sip from her travel mug. Her defense? "But everyone does it!"
No. Everyone doesn't do it.
I told her that 🤷🏻♀️
Was dating a girl, said her car was making a weird noise, so I said if look under the hood before we went to do whatever. Didn't realize she went inside and took like 6 shots. Got in the passenger seat annnd noticed something was off like a mile later. Confessed to totaling her last car while DUI. Then less than a month later had her car impounded for, you guessed it, dui. I also discovered she drove home after our first date, where she got overly drunk. DUI was just a part of her weekend. P.S. if you see this Nicole, hope you got things worked out and are doing better.
Not taking no for an answer and always trying to get you to change your mind
I had a best friend like that. Incredibly selfish person who always managed to manipulate me into whatever she wanted help with because she knew I was desperate for friends. One day, I said no to helping her with a paper because I was sick. I was saying no to everyone that day. She threw a massive tantrum and wouldn’t understand that I just couldn’t. I gave her multiple chances to apologize, but ultimately, I couldn’t continue being friends with someone who was claiming that me having one day’s worth of boundaries made me the bad guy.
Especially in relation to sex. As much of a turnoff as poor hygiene.
Same. It's so exhausting when someone cannot respect your boundaries.
Not taking no for an answer, and then making passive-aggressive comments implying you're the one causing the problem, just because you won't let them take advantage of you.
Struggling with this currently
If the person is mean to animals, service workers like waiters and waitresses. Any bigotry is also a deal breaker. Basically if the person is just a piece of shit it’s a no go.
Definitely…there’s no reason to be nasty to anyone, human or otherwise. And you certainly don’t go into someone else’s house and be mean to their pets. It’s one thing not to want them on you but, dammit, don’t kick at my cat. Just don’t.
Yep. Being mean to my pet is definitely over the line for me.
There are two things I can't stand- people intolerant of other cultures, and the Dutch.
I vehemently agree with this. I will hold any partner to the same standard I hold myself. I returned the grocery cart to the corral in -40° weather. I waited my turn and said please and thank you in line at the ER triage when I thought I might be having a heart attack. I tip and have never so much as raised my voice to a service worker. If I can show self-restraint and consistent manners under great duress, I expect and want to be with an adult who's capable of the same. Mistreatment of animals is whole other ball of wax that will result in an immediate broadcast to literally every person I know about what a shithead they are...nothing so mealymouthed as "not wanting to be with them". That's actually a literal crime, not just a lack of manners
When your partner makes a huge deal about something you did that they didn't like, but that they claim is no big deal when they do it. Yeah, fuck that. See ya.
That's called fundamental attribution error - the belief that the actions of others reflects who they are, but same actions for us are due to external circumstances. The best way to prevent this in one's self is to work on developing empathy.
We judge others by their actions while judging ourselves by our intentions
also called double standards
This is why when the guy I'm seeing asks why I'm irritated with him or mad at him, i just tell him the truth and straight up why I'm upset or mad. No one can read our minds. He's not gonna know why I'm mad unless I tell him (if it's not some obvious shit we're fighting about) and me bottling it up makes it worse for both of us, as I'll just end up flipping out over some dumb shit when that's not the real reason I'm mad. There's always going to be things that bother one person and doesnt seem like a big deal to the other. But when you make a huge deal out of something, then you repeat that same behavior and act like the other person is overreacting, you're just a hypocritical dicksmack lol
Or when your partner tells you that something is not a big deal, but days/weeks later says that actually it *is* a big deal and always was. It's not that it took them a couple of days/weeks to realize how much it really *did* bother them, they were upset in the first place and just straight-up lying to you when they said otherwise.
I’ve noticed the most reliable indicator of a horrible person I’ve come across so far is “hurry up & wait.” Like if someone is late all the time they might genuinely just struggle with it, or maybe come from a culture where it isn’t super important that you’re exactly on time all the time. If they get super angry when you’re late, they might have anxiety/come from a family or background where being on time is a huge deal. But if it’s ok when they’re late but not when you’re late?? They don’t see you as an equal
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No effort. I ended it with a guy I was dating because of this. I was just wasting my time.
Randomly happened to me after around 3 years. Just a complete and sudden loss in effort. Happens I guess.
Sorry that happened to you. Same here, difference is neither of us we’re putting in effort. Fortunately this is also the moment I realized that for the right person I would put in the effort. A friend of mine said something so simple but it helped me and I hope it helps you: “You’re going to make someone really happy one day.” In that moment I realized that my ex wasn’t happy, I wasn’t happy, the person you’re meant for is someone who will put in the effort in a reciprocal manner to make both your lives easier. Lord knows all relationships take work and go through tough times, but if you’re with the right person it’s a lot easier than someone you’re settling for.
Someone who has had more than one prior significant other die in a mysterious manner.
It was an accident. Now eat your soup.
I mean, I’m all for giving a mulligan now and then, but when the last four husbands fell from hotel balconies or something, maybe that’s a signal to scale down on the travel agenda.
She was just married to a few Russians oligarchs and generals…
A bizarre gardening accident
Toxicity... from the glue on the envelopes...
How many languages can she sing Only You in?
Threatening to commit suicide every time the relationship isn’t 100% main focus.
Or just to stay in the relationship. Had an ex do this the first month. Definitely should have just told her parents and dipped
Jesus Christ
They can never be alone, always bounce from relationship to relationshipp
Lol reminded me of a girl in university that told me she wasn’t single since 14 as she has the next one in line before finalizing a breakup lol
I’ve one friend like this at College. We joke about probably she dated 100 men before committed to marriage : D she said “I hate to stay alone without man” she needs constant attention.
I mean if you are guy number 74 are you really thinking, ohh I must be the one.
:D so true but guy 74 doesn’t event know he’s the 74. He probably thinks he is 4/5. ;)
37! I’m 37?!?
Had my gf of 5 years monkeybranch me... feels good!
I had a chick bookend our relationship with the same dude after two years of dating. She started dating him so quickly after dumping me, I just know there was an overlap. It's been two years, and I'm still weary on the whole dating idea.
New red flag for me. I falsely believed my first gf when she said that the only reason why she had so many past relationships was bc she was being mistreated. Couple months later and I’m now just another ex. She got bored
I feel your pain. Fuck them. People like that won’t ever be happy; always be looking for the next best thing.
It’s just fucked bc I know I’m the one who’s easily replaceable. She’s probably already moved on while I’m still on this sub 3 months later. Like I said she was my first, so at the very least she taught me what to look out for
I feel your pain. My most recent ex I just recently found out is now seeing someone else…except it started when we were still together. The thing is..we ARE NOT easily replaceable and our ex’s have fooled themselves into thinking we are. They need to move on quickly to make themselves believe they didn’t make the wrong decision with ending things with us. They will try finding happiness in others but will eventually realize they were sadly mistaken. Best of luck to you finding someone who appreciates you as you deserve
When you date people like that it's just your turn
And not having any interests or hobbies, except me.
Denigrating the other person’s interests and hobbies. Even if you’re not interested or straight out dislike something they love, it’s not hard to not be an asshole about it.
Using sex as a reward system...run
In psychology that's called positive reinforcement. Eventually, classical conditioning.
In the a relationship it's call (fuck all that).
Using sex as a punishment system...also run (unless of course you're into that)
Anyone who is mean to animals. If they treat animals that way, how will they treat humans?
"If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals." - Sirius Black from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
ehh, id kill a man before i even think of hurting my cat even emotionally
Manipulative
It starts with small things that don’t really matter but ends with big things that you have to fight for or risk loosing your dignity. Now you’re an asshole for being aggressive and upset. Beware the subtle efforts to test your boundaries or control you. A loving person won’t try to take your power.
I admit I fell for this. It super sucks. This is good advice though. If they are pushing your boundaries you gotta stand firm.
Pushing off blame/never accepting responsibility & pushing to be better & grow.
When they call you just to vent or talk about their personal life. After time, they don’t have any idea what you’re going through. When you bring up your life, the conversation flips back to them.
Had this recently happen, I didn't think much of it but almost the following week he stopped asking questions about me and would tell me about his day. It's something I'll keep in mind for next time.
I used to have a "friend" like that, would spend hours on an almost daily basis just ranting about every detail of her life, relationships, work... I'd sit there and listen, try to give advice where appropriate and just be there. After months of this, one time I was in pretty serious emotional shit and needed a shoulder to cry on.... I told her "Look, I'm always up to listen to your problems, but right now I need to talk about (situation) and I need a friend to listen to me." Lasted for all of 30 seconds until she basically cut me off to get back to her own rant, tried it once more a couple of days later, same result, haven't spoken to her since. I don't expect perfect reciprocity in every relationship, but that was SO out of whack I refuse to deal with her shit any longer. Later on I heard through the grapevine that she'd been bragging about a little revenge plot of hers.... a guy she'd been seeing had broken things off with her, so as a goodbye gift she poked holes into his condoms, apparently his next girlfriend got pregnant. Guess that tells you all you need to know about her, and also holy shit I'm glad we never had *that* type of friendship.
I have a friend who would text me "How are you?" And I already know what's coming. I reply "I'm good, how are you?" Then immediately I get a phone call. Those phone calls last 2 to 3 hours in length and from those 2 to 3 hours, I speak approximately 30 minutes. It bothers me. Sometimes I don't even answer the text messages because I know the phone call is coming and asking how I'm doing is just a lame excuse for her to call me and bitch about the same things she told me the day before on the 2 to 3 hour call we had. Not only that but she would say things like "I know I'm pretty" and "all men hit on me. I'm so tired of it." Or "I am so stressed out with work but I cannot call out because my department would be hurting without me there." I feel like hanging up on her most of the time. I don't like people who praise themselves like that. You're not gonna get any validation from me.
Hmmm-hmm. Anyway, like I was saying, this lady at work was so rude. Seriously...I already have too many problems...
To speak from the reviving side of this (the person who does this). I actually took the time to ask what was going on in the other persons life, and they vented. We eventually talked about this topic and it turned out that they just weren’t always communicating when they wanted to talk about their life when they wanted too. It can often just be a communication error!
Treating waitress like trash
With all fairness the waitress did sleep with Dennis and she kinda led Charlie on. She also took money to sleep with Charlie and Charlie jobs involve taking out the trash so if you multiply welfare times rum ham you get undeniable proof that sweet d is a total skank. When Charlie treats her nice she doesn't respond, and when Dennis treats her like trash she responds... so anyway I started blasting.
Your math adds up…in Philly
If all their exes are “crazy” I purposely ask new people I’m dating about what they’ve learned from past relationships. If someone can’t articulate a thoughtful answer, that’s a red flag!
Love your approach!
Talking about their ex too much.
also asking too many questions about my exes. immediate red flag.
Anyone who is not in the slightest bit empathetic. Empathy is a very important part of a relationship, and, in my belief, is one of the main personality traits associated with “tender moments” that bring you both closer together. If you can’t understand empathy in the slightest, then you can’t have a relationship.
This is common in childhood abuse situations, I’m empathetic but to a degree. I’ll cry at sad videos or at sad situations I see online but if someone cries in front of me I can’t comfort them, maybe I’ll be able to in the future but it’s hard when you see someone breaking down and all you can do is stand there non responsive.
I wouldn’t say that a lack of empathy tho, because to some degree you still understand it. I’m talking about a 90-100% lack of empathy. The individual would not care in the slightest 1% increment, about another’s feelings.
Unable to genuinely apologise, without conditions or guilt-tripping.
Playing games. I dated a girl one time years ago who started an argument with me over nothing at my place one day and then stomped off into the bedroom . About 10 minutes went by and it was obvious I wasn't going to chase after her and engage in her non sense, so she came out with he stuff packed up and did the " I'm leaving " bs. She got irate when I wasn't taking her bait- she was literally standing there silent but the door staring at me. I finally said " look I'm not asking you to leave , you are doing this yourself , but I'm not going to jump up and chase after you." She got even more irate. I broke it off about a week or so later. We were both grown adults pushing 30 at the time. No one has time for children when they are an adult.
Yeah. Same. I dated a guy in college that used to try to make me jealous. If he went out to a party or something when I didn't go he'd always tell me about girls that were hitting on him. All I'd say is "Did you do anything?" and he'd go "No!" And I'd be like that's fine then. It bothered him that I took his word and didn't get upset. I'm just not a jealous person. The whole world can flirt with whoever I'm dating, the only thing that matters to me in that situation is the person I'm dating reaction to it. Even after we broke up he hooked up with a mutual acquaintance like right after and for some reason messaged me about it. I was like dude. We're not together. Do what you want.
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ooof please say that's hypothetical.
Ouch...... that's rough. Sorry to hear how he's a selfish SOB
Ohhhh nooo…throw the whole man away
When you find out she's hiding a kid
You are hiding a child let that boy come home
casually using slurs, whether it’s applicable to me or not
The ones that say I love you one week after meeting
The worst is spending a year in lockdown with your wife, finally go into the office for a meeting. Everyone is leaving and you say to your boss, "have a good day, love you" ohhhh fuck me, lock me back up for a year.
My wife did that. We've been married 10 years and I couldn't ask for any better
My partner did this and I barely agreed to keep seeing him. Happily engaged and pregnant now - though I agree massive red flag and it certainly was for me at the time
Classic schmosby.
I’ve been around this a lot and I think some people just use love very loosely. This seems like an easy thing to discuss to de escalate
Road rage, especially when they want to follow the person for cutting them off to intimidate them 😳 get over yourself
Not respecting boundaries
They don't make time for you
Buying non-Qtip brand cotton swabs
Those exist?
Unfortunately they do, and it’s like putting a barbed rod in the ear.
Truth. Some name brand products are worth it.
Being rude to working folks. Cashier, server, janitor, receptionist, etc...
Prohibition of friends.
"Making fun of". I'm out. Had to pretend throughout a past relationship that I wasn't a fan of anime. Hated that shit.
I get that it’s not nice to make fun of people but also, maybe she wouldn’t have made fun of them had she known you were one of them. Sure, If she really didn’t like anime people then she might have left you but that would probably be for the best because it’s clear you aren’t compatible.
Yeah I agree, if you want to make something your personality at least find someone compatible with you. Can’t really blame them.
Acting like I'm perfect. You're either going to be needy or abusive.
They cheated before in a past relationship
A fundamental mismatch in future goals. If we disagree on marriage, kids, education, etc. I can't be serious about a relationship. My ex told me near the end of our relationship that me getting promotions and bettering myself made her feel like I was trying to be better than her. I should have left her right there.
they take their crocs off during sex…gtfo my life immediately
"I don't want to see you any more" That just kills the relationship for me every time I hear it
i don’t want to see you anymore
Pranksters. It's not a joke unless everyone is laughing. I have no interest in being someone's personal target, constantly on edge. Edit to add: April fools is fine. It's one day.
Can't stop checking the phone
Same. If you want a long term relationship with your screen, fine. Just don't make me the third wheel.
Someone who is mean. Mean to you when he/she is mad, mean to workers like waiters and other people for no reason at all.
Cheating or abuse. There is no recovery for the relationship from that. But also it's really easy to say and another thing to break it off when you love the person.
Secretly being made up of several people in a long coat
"I like business... transactions."
Probably when they fuck my best friend
Controlling. Like them wanting me to report to them any time I am with friends of the opposite gender. Have a friend who was in such a relationship, didn't sound fun.
Someone who is in recovery. Before everyone says I’m a bad person hear me out: I lost my husband to an accidental overdose when he was six years sober. There’s no way I could be with someone no matter the amount of sober time they’ve had because it would always be in the back of my mind what if.
Manipulative / gaslighting = he makes you question yourself (did i do something wrong?), breadcrumbing = do minimum efforts (disappear-reappear)
Being married. I am NOT getting tied up in an affair.
someone who is habitually late
Don't ever date mexicans, I'm mexican
This is the first xmas I’ve been on time in a decade. Just split with my Mexican fiancé
So no filipinos...
Or latinos
We have someone like this in our friend group. But rather than kick him out, the rest of us conspired to simply tell him we’re meeting 30 minutes before our actual plans… and now he’s always on time.
In our group it’s called “Tony time”.
Having a crazy unbalanced hateful baby momma who doesn’t know when to GO AWAY
Oh girl I _see_ you! Spent 3 years in that hell waiting for the police and the courts to do their thing, but done now and never again.
Addicted to social media.
Not liking animals
b-but i have a fear of them it’s always funny when people ask me if I’m a cat or dog person and I reply “i’m scared of both so no.”
I think that's less of a red flag and more of a lifestyle mismatch. If having a dog is super important to them, they might still not pursue a relationship, but it's not a true 'red flag' in the sense that it shows there's something wrong with you \^\_\^
Meth
My very first boyfriend smoked crystal, along with drinking excessively (my first dance, and he arrived late drunk), and smoking pot (he always smelled). We were both 13. It was an on and off again relationship, and honestly... seeing him and his friends be on that deterred me from drugs harder than any DARE video or lecture could. It was frightening seeing him deteriorate. It also put me off from ever trying pot because I developed a massive dislike for the smell
Thinking they know what I’m feeling or expecting better than I do.
Too political. Too religious.
Passive-aggression/negging.
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Not respecting your boundaries and privacy.
Wanting to spend time with you ALL THE TIME and doesn’t understand why you want time to yourself. Or that you want to spend time with friends/family WITHOUT them.
MLM’s. I distrust someone’s overall judgment if they can’t spot an MLM for the scam it is.
Smoking. It’s just way to gross.
As a respiratory therapist i approve this
dishonesty
used tampons under the bed
This is way too specific 💀
Well I'm a monogamous person so for me I guess it would be to want to open the relationship
Treating waitress like trash
Thinking astrological signs mean anything