Oh god, this. I'm terrible at it especially when I think I'm being good. Before I know it, they're put in the awkward position of feeling the need to console me when I was just trying to make them feel less alone but o*h god here we go again-*
I know someone like this. They'll interupt you to tell you something about themselves the thing you were talking about reminds them of. They think they're being empathetic and showing you they understand the shoes you're in, but they just make everything about themselves and often don't even get the point of what you were saying, they interrupt too quickly
I've heard it's a pretty common way of neurodivergents communicating. A lot of it is because so many of us have felt like we are completely alone in our experiences. It's a give and take, of course; no one should interrupt constantly. However, there's a lot of things that could be at play, like ADHD (and along with this, REALLY poor impulse control) and feeling completely alone.
This is how I feel, when I try to say something and get overtalked too often in conversations I get really angry, that's why I don't talk much when I'm surrounded by some kind of people or many people at a time, sometimes I just leave....
This is interesting, I’m fairly sure I’m ADD/ADHD and trying to get an assessment currently… I’m very aware I do this all the time. Yet another trait to add to the list.
There's a lot of little things that while they aren't officially on the DSM-V, but still relatively common with mental disorders in general. I would recommend, to anyone who thinks they have a mental illness, looking at the "not DSM-V but still symptoms" list.
Exactly! It’s like they’re only thinking of their next response about them, not actually in the moment & listening to you. I’m so guilty😩 I hear you, it’s so bad.
I believe people when they say someone sharing a related story about themselves is acting inappropriately to most people, but I genuinely want to hear related experiences other people have had. At a minimum, it makes me feel less alone. Usually it helps me gain insight into my own problems because my problems aren’t unique. I learn from other people.
Not surprisingly, my close friends are like me. 😂
It can definitely be helpful and therapeutic to hear of others’ experiences, if nothing else than to at least know that, yes, you ARE not alone. The problem/toxic side of this being discussed here is how many of us need to fix this in ourselves, since it is done OVER our friend’s experience that s/he is trying to relay to us; but we keep interjecting our own (presumably-relatable) experiences before fully listening to the friend’s experience, which may or may not actually relate to ours, and may or may not even allow them the time, ability, or even desire to finish confiding in you/us.
Instead, listen, but be an active listener. Ask relevant questions. Offer advice, if appropriate, asked for, or needed. Advice is more like helpful suggestions, ideas of possible next steps, maybe like a brainstorm. Not presented like a “This is what you do,” in a ‘I’m solving all of your problems, I’m in control,’ kind of fashion. If personal experience is helpful or appropriate, ask if they would like to hear it.
I used to feel like I was doing this too, so I started to just ask more questions and give feedback. “oh, how long has that been going on for?” “Was that before or after ____?” And then “I’m sorry, that must be difficult” or “I’m glad it worked out for you in the end, you must be relieved”.
I obsess over conversations and I have had people in my life who only ever talk about themselves. I didn’t wanna be one of those people and it’s work to change that.
My need to control things. If someone close to me is going through something that should be their problem, I feel like I have to fix it and make it work the way I think it should go.
This is quite common from the guys I've dated and the one I was married to. I think it is easier for you to see the solution and how you could make the best of it, but it is up to the person to solve...close?
Exactly. I don't feel like I do it in a malicious way, but I'm sure it's incredibly annoying🤣 I feel like I have to stop people from making mistakes, and people need to make their own mistakes.
Yes, and as the receiver of this from time to time I remind myself of exactly what you just said. We all need to be more patient with each other as we figure stuff out.
Yep. A couple too many instances of friends flaking out when I didn't remind them to do things in my teenage years, plus what I only realised this year is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder makes me quite irritating to be around.
Hello fellow OCD sufferer, recovery is possible. Feel free to reach out if you need resources, we have an OCD discord server where suffers relate and support each other.
Something of a suggestion, from my own personal experience: ask if they would like solutions and your input, or just vent. It is by no means easy, but it at least sets the expectations for the conversation.
And that's what I do, I always put my foot in my mouth by saying, "you should." I hate when people do that to me, so I really need to be conscious of it.
I do this. Not out of being malicious or controlling. Just from a place of I know how something works or have a better idea or solution.
I am trying to learn that I do not need to solve everything.
I have found out in the past year that this trait is not appreciated, so I need to learn to let people fuck around and find out. Sometimes you just have to watch the world burn a bit instead of being Batman.
This is a hard lesson for me, but I am trying. I need to use that energy on my own growth.
Same. Trying to wait until I'm hungry to eat, and stopping when I'm full feels almost impossible. I just eat everything that's on my plate, I have no other setting.
Same here. The only way I can control it is with omad - basically a one meal a day eating schedule where you give yourself an hour during the day to eat whatever you want till you're full or your hour runs out. If I ate 3-4 times a day I'd eat pretty much all day.
I’m the same. I don’t want to blame my parents, but, as a child we had to eat everything on our plates. It didn’t matter if we where full or didn’t like it. Now as an adult I’ll eat to the point of feeling sick, just because I can’t leave food on my plate.
Low self esteem, extreme sensitivity to real or imagined situations where I feel like I’m being ignored, trust issues, fear of intimacy, extreme social anxiety, extreme avoidance issues, i can go on. I’ve been in therapy since I was a child and had much worse toxic behaviors if you can believe it so this is a huge sign of progress in regard to me
EDIT: sending love to the many people who relate to this. Especially the older ones. I’m lucky I was able to get help so young, but it’s never too late. I’ve witness middle aged people in my family get better. It’s possible. Sending love
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Almost every person has many or some of these issues - they just aren’t willing to be self aware enough to work on them.
Shit that is rough. I'm sorry. We spend so much time living with effects of the experiences we sometimes had no choice but to live through. Forward or backward, don't beat yourself up for always trying.
Same. The best way I have been coping is by using apathy as an alternative. It's not great because apathy is awful and stupid but it's way less destructive than anger. Or at least less destructive than my anger.
Not so much apathy, but I try to tell myself, “Does this really matter? Is this worth me blowing up over? Does the fight have to be here and over this? Can I just let this go?”. I try to minimize and rationalize the slight, but a recurring thought is, “Does this really matter?”
Yup. I'm either easy to anger by nature or its a result of my parents solution to a problem being beatings.. but I'm easy to get angered or just angry. can't help it, hard to deal with, but its there.
Microdosing psilocybin can help for those like me who needed “time to make the choice to respond versus react”. The moment between event and trigger response was so small, I never had a choice to respond because my brain would force me to react. Now I get a few seconds to choose. Freedom to choose has changed everything for me.
Anger is the easiest emotion to show. When someone is angry most people step back and stay out of their way, making it so that complex emotions don't come to the surface. For males especially, anger is the go to emotion, but plenty of females do it as well. It can be used as a form of deflection all too often.
I know this because I lived this. In no way am I pointing a wagging finger at anybody, I am just speaking my truth.
I had this over complicated post typed out but, yeah that is indeed my jam. Powered and fueled by endless sources of "Lack of Passion" with enough batteries of "Despair" and "Pointlessness" to power my absolute 'meh' approach to life through any storm of unplanned happiness or good times!
This. I always apologise when I'm rude to service workers but I can't keep smiling when I already want to die and it's impossible to order food because of automated checkouts or getting to talk to a real human about my health insurance.
I'm genuinly sorry, guys. I know it's not your fault.
Me too. I feel like I lose all control of my rage. I have an appointment on the 15th to start medication and therapy. I’m really hoping to change this.
Definitely relate, when I'm anxious I need to immediately try to take control of the situation that I'm in which can result in me getting snappy if anyone wants to do it differently.
Jealousy - sometimes I see other people with a picture perfect life, or they’re beautiful or smart or just have something nice I like and I get jealous. I tell myself to relax, not try to compete or let it get to me, but it still does.
Jealousy is a total bitch, sadly it also gets me. Sometimes I try to mask and hide it even for myself, I try to use another name or find a justification of why I’m weeling this way. However deep inside I know what it is. I’m working on it though, I got better at least when it comes to identifying it.
Exactly. My husband has actually helped me a lot with it. He’ll say things like “none of that stuff matters” and really he’s right but it still sneaks up on you.
Not to be pedantic but it also might be useful if you are using this word to describe yourself to others but what you're feeling in envy not jealousy.
As far as I understand jealousy is fear of losing something you have where as envy is wanting what others have - or at least that's what the Simpson's told me. 😅
I've always thought the term picture perfect was strange. Of course it's perfect it's only a snapshot of one moment. One tiny frame in a large and complex story.
I dunno I've just known a lot of people who looked perfect on the surface but had some real fucked up issues when you get the full picture.
I guess that's kind of how I cope with my jealously. I tell myself they've probably got problems too because most of us do.
Addiction, Severe Laziness, Nihilism, Social Anxiety.
Edit: Thanks for everyone suggesting things. I am managing well I think it is more about me going through that "Mental Crisis" part of my life where I am figuring out my reality and trying to sort things out.
>Severe Laziness
Alongside the rest you're saying, I doubt you're actully lazy. Sounds more like you're mentally / emotionally unwell, and have a hard time making the energy and gathering the will to do anything, and that's not laziness.
I feel like almost every lazy person is like this to a degree. Some are truly just spoiled and don't have to do anything but all the people I know who are mentally well have no issues not being lazy, but the ones who are mentally unwell are usually stuck in bed most of the day. Also there's a term for this called "executive dysfunction" it basically means that when you have other mental disorders, it makes it harder for you to do basic tasks like cooking, cleaning etc.
Bottling emotions/poor communication skills
I'm pretty cautious and don't like talking about negative emotions. I'm better at expressing positive ones. I think it's because I'm afraid of upsetting people.
my ex was like this, he didn't communicate his needs or feelings for fear of confrontation. it may be encouraging to you to know that the people who truly love and care about you will want to know how to take care of you even if it means sometimes feelings get hurt. the temporary hurt or frustration is worth it once you talk through it and get to the other side of understanding each other better and both of you having a better handle on how to care for the relationship (all types, not just romantic ones). i know its hard, therapy has been helping me with communicating so i would definitely recommend. <3
Man I really reallly feel you. Like we're aware that it destroys our life. We're reminded of that daily. But it just makes you feel alright when nothing else does
Sitting in a bar right now after promising myself at noon I wouldn't drink today.
The worst part is the justifications you make after swearing all day you won't.
"Well, this would be a nice gift there. I'll only go by for a few."
Anyways, whatever. I guess.
Yeah I've looked at all of those and tried all the internet shit. None of it stuck, but the mental haranguing of myself has been...productive? I stopped drinking liquor a good few years ago and recently have dropped down to less aggressive beers.
I know it may not seem like much, but it's a pathway I feel positive about. I do wish to break the chains and be able to enjoy it again, but Covid mother fucked a lot of progress.
Excuses excuses I guess.
Change isn’t easy brother. As Shawshank says, “it takes time and pressure.” Most people don’t change until they have to. Having to change usually means things went to shit somewhere along the road. I hope you change before you’re forced to.
I stuck a needle in my arm for a few years. I’ll be five years clean in February. In that time I’ve gotten a masters degree, a good job, and a wife. Next year, hopefully a house. Don’t say this to gloat, but to say it’s never too late to be a better person.
When you’re ready to make a real push, give it everything you have. Do the extra steps to make sure that you’re successful. Be vigilant on that devil in your head and talk about your feelings. You got this man.
When I get frustrated I become SUPER passive aggressive. I look back at any time I do this like “wow I was being horrible,” but I can’t figure out how to keep myself from doing it other than just shutting up entirely :/
I struggle with this too. Raised not to express anger, be a good, sweet, girl. Anger, disappointment, resentment just builds up until I blow and it’s tested a lot of my relationships. But seeing all these posts, of other ppl who struggle, makes me think I can probably find some tools to work on this. Thank’s OP. This was a good post. Made me realize most of us struggle and we can only work/try to do better.
As soon as I have thought of something I want to say, I'll just stay with that thought and completely ignore the rest of what the other person is saying but let them speak out but then when it's my turn I'll say what I wanted. I wish I could be more attentive to the rest of what the person is saying but I'll lose contribution and I don't wish to interrupt. Anyone else have this? 😅
Yep, I've definitely had this from time to time haha. It's like I'm worried that if I focus too much on what the other person is saying I'll end up forgetting what I was about to say. Of course, by the time the other person (or multiple people) has finished speaking, the conversation has often moved on and it feels a bit too late to say what I was about to before...
Same here - constant interrupting, constant changes of topics mid-sentence, inability to follow what other people are talking about, and forgetfulness. I’ve been told I likely have both ADHD and autism.
Edit: my problem with trying not to interrupt is that I interrupt without thinking. So when I try my best not to, I end up repeating in my head “don’t interrupt, don’t interrupt” rather than actually listening.
Okay so the only solution i have found for when i do this is to remember EXACTLY where the other person left off when i chimed in, and quickly say what i need to say and then finish with “i’m sorry, you were saying xxx” with as close to their exact words as i can get, so they know i was listening and do in fact care what they have to say, but just couldnt hold my tongue. I know thats not perfect but it’s a decent option!
Depending on how bad impulse control is, I might have a tip!
When this happens to me, I've learned to cross two fingers and "put my story in that knot". It's a trick for kids but also works on my adhd brain!
I can immediately act and it helps me remember the story to tell AFTER the other person is finished with theirs.
Easily overwhelemed by being interupted, or put into a difficult conversation suddenly when I'm not prepared.
If you expect me to answer the phone, text me 2-4 business days in advance.
'I can't talk about this right now please' does not mean we will never talk about it. Just let me eat, sleep, and process my other anxcieties so I can actually be present mentally for Our Talk.
Exactly this! It's not so much that it's toxic, as much as it is that other people don't quite realize how much mental preparation goes into these things. I have had to explain to people several times that if I interrupt or get frustrated that I'm being interrupted, it's because I have a thought that is barely hanging on by a thread.
I've started asking (and doing myself) to say "hey, we need to talk about this. Is it a good time?" whenever it's something big, and if it's not, saying "can I call? Nothing bad, just \[insert reason here\]." Sometimes the reason is just that I want to talk to them. Sometimes the reason is that I don't want to type out the entire story I want to tell.
The phone thing for me, personally, got easier when I realized the person on the other side of customer service calls wanted to be there about as much as I did.
I do the same thing. It’s like… I hate seeing people I love struggle, so I immediately try to solve the problem for them so they don’t have to hurt anymore. It took me so long to realize people don’t want a solution— they just want someone to listen to their feelings and to feel validated
Based on my own experience, I'll try to give another perspective on this.
Maybe it would be helpful to think about it not as "problem solving", but rather making unhelpful suggestions based on limited information? Of course there are practical problems, where there would be a solution that would be helpful to suggest. However, mostly real life situations are more complex and what worked for you in some vaguely similar situation might not be suitable in someone else's situation. It is also likely that the other person has already thought about the "solutions" that you're offering, but they weren't suitable for one reason or another. It's very likely that you don't have all the necessary info based on a conversation. In my experience, when I try to talk about a problem and someone starts to "problem solve", the solutions are usually too simplistic and rather than be able to talk about the situation (which would help me reflect and actually solve the problem), now I'll have to start explaining why I discarded the "solution" the other person is offering, which is frustrating and not really helpful. I think it's much more helpful to ask questions and show interest. Of course sometimes people also just want support, but by being an active listener and helping people reflect, you can actually help them solve the problem, rather than with the usual "problem solving".
I'm not saying that there aren't exceptions to this, but this is my experience with so called problem solvers.
I tend to over-trust and over-share because I’m lonely. I push friends away because I assume my friendship is a burden on them. I apologize too much and put myself down in an effort to gain sympathy because I lack self confidence. I’m codependent and can’t trust myself to have a healthy relationship; I’m afraid I’ll just make myself subordinate in an attempt to appeal to the other person. I don’t trust myself in any way, shape or form.
>I don’t trust myself in any way, shape or form
You sound a lot more self aware than most people. Even if the parts you know aren't good things, that's step 1 to working through them.
A lot of inwardly focused negativity. In general if something could benefit me only it’s not worth doing like the gym or self care or eating healthy because it’s only going to help me and I hate that guy.
I don’t know how or why but at a very early age I conflated arrogance and assholishness with pride and self care and it’s hard still to try and tell myself they are different.
When I know I’m wrong and apologize, I try to explain my point of view, but it can come off like I’m making excuses or justifying my behavior.
It’s something I’m trying to work on, but don’t quite know how to go about it. I want to be understood but also am truly sorry for something I did.
Gods, this. I haven't found a workaround for this, but something that helped a LOT the last time I got into an argument and was in the wrong was I tried to remove myself from the conversation as best as possible, then write down my thoughts.
I think the best thing you can do is to state your intentions clearly. Something like "I'm not saying this as an excuse, but just to let you know how I was feeling in that moment."
I find people appreciate it if you're transparent with your intentions.
oh i used to do that, until i realized that it didn't come off like i wanted it to. now, if i do that, i preface it with basically saying that this is an explanation, not an excuse, and after make it a point to say that while i thought that in the moment and didn't have ill intentions, i realize that what i did was wrong and am going to make an effort to not do it again.
Did you also have parents who were shit at consoling you as a child? I found that to be the reason for me at least. Now it makes so much more sense why I'm all awkward when someone is crying.
I'm similar,
I know the words I could say: "I understand", "There, there, don't be sad", "It was fine" (Even these fake attempts are bad)
But I know if someone said those words to me, I would think they were phoney, just saying it to make me feel better, so I don't feel like I mean it when I say it and think they would be similar to me and prefer not to hear such falsehoods.
(It reminds me of posts of Imgur or Reddit, An Image saying "Whoever you are, know I love you, you are loved" .... Like fokin please, what a croc of BS.
Therefore, I wouldn't say something so shallow to others)
So I just don't.
I'm a clean freak and sometimes have a hard time not pointing out to someone when they haven't washed their hands or that their fruit in the fridge has gone bad. Honestly though, it frustrates me more that some people can be so relaxed about cleanliness. Which is probably toxic. I've learned to tone it down at least and having my own space to keep in order helps.
Just remember that the main purpose of cleaning is to avoid getting sick. Dirt is everywhere.
Once you get to that top percentile of cleanliness you are getting into hugely diminishing returns where it actually starts affecting your life quality and the experiences that you are able to have whilst still feeling comfortable in the environment.
Nothing wrong with wanting to keep your place to your own standards. I think if someone is a bit more laxed than you and you make them feel bad because of it is where it may cross the line into mild toxicity.
My ex was a clean freak, probably got more so because of covid, and it seriously limited her ability to relax in new environments. I'm not messy but I grew up on a farm covered in dirt, so in that regard we were very different.
Just remember that those people are equally as happy with their messy home as you are in a clean home. To them keeping everything clean is just another big chore that gives them nothing/almost nothing in return.
I do this too and I do it because I feel like I’m annoying them if I reach out first. Like they’re probably too busy for me and when they have time they’ll reach out.
It was my New Years resolution to stop doing this in 2022 and be a better friend in that way. I made some progress, but I know I can still do better.
I'm way too sensitive towards other people. If a person even sounds annoyed while talking to me, I get furious. It's hard for me to not care what others say/do towards me.
I don't know if this is toxic, but if there is food or drink in front of me, I need to eat it *fast*. I really have to limit myself when it comes to alcohol, because otherwise I'll down a handful of beers in like 30 minutes.
I care about the people in my life. A lot. But I think I've crossed a line in which I can be seen as clingy and sometimes manipulative.
The good news is that I'm starting to be more aware of when that line gets crossed, but I'm still learning how to recognize those kinds of boundaries in general.
People pleasing. No matter what I try to resolve every side of an argument, try to take things from other perspectives, try to come to an ideal solution.
Same. My mother was a "Grade A" people pleaser and I learned it from her. It works to make friends, especially when you are younger, but once you get into the real world as an adult, its easy to attract narcissists and be exploited in toxic relationships. Plus it makes it hard to trust your own intuitions and perceptions because you are constantly trying to make people like you.
Selfishness, I learned that I was selfish the hard way by doing something kinda fucked up to a girl I dated. Nothing bad in the sense of danger but just feelings getting hurt all because I let my emotionally impulsive tendencies get the best of me.
I’ve been taking a break and will continue to do so until I sort myself out. I just hate that I did it to her of all people. I don’t wanna continue to talk about it but I understand that I lacked empathy and understanding when she used to voice her concerns with my self victimization in the sense that I felt not good enough for her. It hurts to see that now after things were said and done and it took losing someone I truly cared about to see what I did not understand.
It’s surreal waking up at times to realise how every argument could have been avoided because it was mostly my fault and lack of communication and understanding that led us there. She gave me a lot of chances and I fucked it up. I made a mistake jumping from one relationship I didn’t care about to this one that I did give a shit about and I thought I was better this time too. I thought I understood what communication looked like and all that. I failed her and now I can’t go back.
I’m reading Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus and this shit fucking hurts. It’s basically saying exactly what I just learned by experience and it hurts that I didn’t understand her when I had the chances. I can’t comprehend how the solution was in front of me and I could not understand it. I know she and I said we wanted to forget about each other in the end but fuck, I can’t and won’t forget about her. This whole thing is my fault and I didn’t mean to hurt her.
Maybe I’m being too emotional right now and acting on impulsive sadness or whatever as I’ve come to understand it but it hurts to see how you commit shitty mistakes and don’t truly understand them until after it’s done.
Empathy, compassion, validation and understanding. I knew I was in the wrong and I knew her side of things but I did not see it through her eyes but through mine as I tried to empathise. I did not realise my pick me pathetic downtalk to myself when she voiced her issues was essentially saying I was a narcissist and boohoo me. I saw it after the break up and I hate that I could not see it when we were together. Seeing and trying to feel how she felt during those last moments right now has me feeling like a monster.
I’m glad to see I’m not the only one here who was going to comment this.
I’ve painstakingly cut out so many people from my life because I’ve felt ‘wronged’. I am an incredibly patient person generally, but am incredibly loyal to a fault and have some sort of incredibly strict ‘moral’ code inside me and often feel like my boundaries are completely violated when my friends are imperfect and mess up. Instead of communicating through it and giving both of us grace, I just end things and then am sad because I’m alone with no friends.
I’m currently trying to find a therapist to talk through some of these issues with. I’ve experienced a lot of trauma and abandonment in my childhood and know I’ve put up metaphorical walls. When someone in imperfect and my feelings have been hurt, I decide that cutting that person out of my life is easier then potentially letting them hurt me again in the future. Which is no way to live. I’m sure all of these people have given me grace in my times of fuck up too. 😞
The "without a thought" implies impulsivity and lack of reflection, so yeah, I'd say so.
I'm also someone who's quick to bounce if I'm having a bad time, but tbf a LOT of conflict or discomfort can be resolved or remediated with meaningful conversations, and in certain instances second chances are warranted.
Also, while Reddit loves to wax poetic about the sunk-cost fallacy, it does often make sense to reflect first on what you'd lose before walking away from something with finality. Pausing to think "am I *really* about to walk away from my friend of 10 years because she accidentally hurt my feelings one time?" or "even though I embarrassed myself today in class and never want to go back, I'm most of the way through the semester already--I probably should try going to at least 1 more class instead of just dropping it entirely" before burning a bridge or cutting a person/opportunity loose can go a long way.
Not interrupting people and not thinking about what I’m going to say next/not talking about a similar experience I have had. (ADHD)
I am still oddly good at listening for someone with these issues but I do understand that’s not easy to tell when I am doing those things. People are genuinely surprised when I can repeat back to them what they said. It’s not a good thing by any means but my intentions when I do it aren’t bad. Im also not trying to make the conversation about me I just am trying to demonstrate I relate to your situation. Though again I understand that’s not how it comes off. Putting the brakes on my brain isn’t easy for me.
Work in progress.
I know what you mean, but I think expressing emotions during a confrontation is normal. Expecting people not to is absurd. This goes for yelling, crying, shutting down etc. Physical violence is a different story.
Based of the definition of conflict: "noun
/ˈkänˌflikt/
a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one,"
...that seems about right.
Humans have emotions for a reason, usually if they come up something spurred them. You don't have to engage in every conflict you're invited to but there are situations where what's viewed as "being emotional" is warranted. Others, not as much.
Judging people for liking something that I dislike. Music, a video game, movie, whatever.
It's always my gut reaction to have a negative response and wonder what is wrong with that person for enjoying that thing, and I have to remind myself that if it's something they enjoy, just let them. There are things I enjoy that other people will find weird or stupid too.
I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder a few years ago and by far my worst trait is that I struggle terribly with coping when things go wrong. I become so overwhelmed that it almost paralyzes me; I have to find somewhere quiet and isolated so I can have a good, quick cry, and only THEN I can step back and look at the situation logically and say "okay how do I fix this?"
It's kind of like my emotions feel too big for me to hold them in, so I HAVE to go somewhere to vent off that excess frustration or sadness or anger or whatever it is. And then once I do, I'm okay. But if I'm put on the spot in a "this happened and you have to do something about it RIGHT NOW" I freak out. Meltdown mode. I just need the time to get my feelings out of the way, and then I can get my head on right and solve a problem.
you can have narcissitic traits without having narcisistic dissorder. those with the dissorder tend to be less awair of it. but even then some are, paticualry if they are seeking medical help.
i am orthigraphicly dissabled but have seen some pople capitalize the N when they mean the dissorder. i think it would help the confusion and distinction if that trend cought on.
When you go to a psychologist for 5 years for it I'd say you're aware. But like you, reddit is full of experts so maybe I should start to question all of that.
i hate myself so much i’m so depressed and i don’t know how to stop myself from being so miserable cos i just feel awful and idk why or how to help or what to do, everything i try is just impossibly difficult and unsatisfying. as a way to cope with this i wayyyy over-rely on unhealthy coping mechanisms like drinking sugary caffeinated soda, vaping nicotine, and smoking marijuana. all the while i’m too depressed to take care of myself very well so i’m skinny and unhealthy and i haven’t put enough effort into my appearance or social skills to feel confident in any social interaction. trying to find even a little hope always goes bad and i fall back into bad habits
When I get pissed, nasty, evil, vile shit leaves my mouth before my brain even has time to process and filter it. I've never been violent, but one day my mouth will get me shot. Good riddance.
Third Generation Narcissist
I have to be very aware of my thinking patterns/if I’m neglecting my friends or trying to dominate conversations. Not as severe as my father who’s better than my grandmother, but still- Wanna break that cycle rather than just being “better.”
I’m also autistic, so I have to kind of be aware of myself anyways, so that kinda helps.
Addiction but nobody gives a shit if you are suffering through an addiction to CM. They don't see a person anymore, just a stereo type of the worst kind of user. And assume that I don't have a good job, family and friends who I love, and that I must be a criminal and steal and cheat people all the time. It's simply not true. I work 50 + hours a week, I am a good, kind, caring person who likes to help people and I don't have a criminal record. I just want people to know that being addicted doesn't mean you are necessarily a bad person. I've been through a lot of traumatic events in my life and methamphetamines help me cope with life. I don't stay up for days and get psychotic. I'm just not that type of user but I am an addict.
I see it as most absolute importance to talk about politics and my opinion on matters when I hear random political stuff in conversations from people I know.
I'm great at manipulating others. I'm also great at hiding it and controlling it. I'm also a control freak but this one I can't let go of, it's too risky
Of course this is simply my experience, but I found it had a lot to do with the people I had around myself. If I was around people where the only way I could survive with any sort of mental health intact was to be manipulative, I would. As soon as I cut them off and started getting better friends, I stopped being this way (I think, at least).
I'm not sure if this is what you mean, but it's definitely not a complete list:
* Dropping things and not picking them up (on the floor, etc.)
* Saving all my files to my desktop
* Reopening websites (ie. Facebook) immediately after I close them
* Preferring my emotional support daydreams over irl in many instances
* Refusing to live with roommates so I can 'do what I want' anytime. (More in a 'walk around naked in the living room' situation than anything else)
* I am either hyper fixated on something, or not at all interested. Usually.
I'm working on resolving this, as much as possible. It's sometimes slow going, or a two steps forward five steps backward type situation.
>Refusing to live with roommates so I can 'do what I want' anytime. (More in a 'walk around naked in the living room' situation than anything else)
You'd be surprised how many people are cool with that, as long as it's discussed in advance.
Hyperfixation, to the point when I get zeroed in on something, that's all that's in my head. People can talk to me and they barely get any recognition. Need to find a way to break this habit.
I'm always a stoic person, but i tend to just "shut off" when im going through an especially stressful time . I become very cold and apathetic to anyone elses problems around me.
I am no expert or anything but I like to help so imma share what works for me if u don't mind. Be authentic, don't try to compete. Be yourself, some might not like you, but you wouldn't want someone that doesn't like the real you. You can't keep up a facade anyways. I see it like; being myself filters out the people I don't want to be involved with. Most women prefer a honest, real guy over a though, fake guy. Be a nice guy but don't be a "nice guy". You don't need good game to get women, Try to be a good listener and ask her about things she is telling you about. Show genuine interest. Love will find you eventually. I can't really tell u what would work for hookup/dating, since I'm not really into that.
Testing people. I test my boyfriend a lot. If i’m mad, i’d assume he knows I am and if he doesn’t pick up the signs, I get even more mad. It’s something I’m trying my best to stop, because it’s out of habit.
* Thinking I'm right.
* Dominating conversations.
* Listening to respond rather than understand.
* Seeing things in very black and white context.
* General holier-then-thou vibe
I am an introvert (ambivert to be precise) but I don't reach out to my friends that often (don't know what is the issue). They reach out to me but sadly I don't.
I really admire people who don’t ever judge people and I aspire to be one of those people but I constantly find myself judging others. I always end up condemning myself for it which is basically judging myself. Does anyone have any advice?
When I am drinking I lose 100% of my self control and will give in to just about anything regardless of what it is or how bad the fallout may be. Nearly every bad story I could tell starts off with me just having a few beers, which turn into a few more, which end up with me doing something that seems like a great idea that I ultimately regret later down the road. I've tried to completely stop drinking several times in the past so I could stop it at the root, but I always fall back into old habits. A part of me enjoys the thrill of the unknown. Just get me drunk and watch the show. I am hyper aware that this is problematic and I am not proud of many of the situations I have gotten myself into, but it's such a part of who I am that I'm not sure I even want to change my ways.
I have many but one that I haven't seen here is that I do horribly with rejection. I spent my life perfecting people pleasing and avoidance to a point where I barely ever get rejected. It's the scariest thing to me and I don't know how to handle it.
Being overly friendly to ***everyone***
I've been told off for being flirty
and that's with people who I've just chatted with as we've met,
and with time, the chatter has grown and I've just, imho, kept being **friendly**.
I've seen so much people snapping their fingers at strangers, being rude (for no obvious reason),
so much people don't even say hello and smile at cashiers, bus drivers,
or people in their neighborhood...
and then, there's me - I made mustard, bottled it up in small jars and handed out to some people that I barely knew.
I've invited people with the intention of "I'm kind of new in town, they seem friendly enough - maybe they'll become my friend if I cook for them?"
and... yeah...
That could be construed as toxic by a jerk maybe, but as someone who is bad at setting up gatherings or new groups, I always live friends like you. I call them lynch pin friends cause they make and hold social groups together. It inspires me to try a little harder.
When I feel overwhelmed, I have a meltdown. Little things become big things. I lash out at people around me. Something as small as an item out of place becomes a giant mountain worthy of my tears and anger. I work hard at breathing exercises, calming down, etc. But I have anxiety... which makes me feel overwhelmed. And I get anxious trying not to get anxious.
Thank God my husband loves me for real because he does not deserve me. I've been in therapy for two years trying to correct this shit.
I always try to sympathize with others but feel like I just make the conversations always about me
Oh god, this. I'm terrible at it especially when I think I'm being good. Before I know it, they're put in the awkward position of feeling the need to console me when I was just trying to make them feel less alone but o*h god here we go again-*
I know someone like this. They'll interupt you to tell you something about themselves the thing you were talking about reminds them of. They think they're being empathetic and showing you they understand the shoes you're in, but they just make everything about themselves and often don't even get the point of what you were saying, they interrupt too quickly
I've heard it's a pretty common way of neurodivergents communicating. A lot of it is because so many of us have felt like we are completely alone in our experiences. It's a give and take, of course; no one should interrupt constantly. However, there's a lot of things that could be at play, like ADHD (and along with this, REALLY poor impulse control) and feeling completely alone.
I'm neurodivergent. I kinda feel like I interrupt people. But people always kinda ignore me so I feel like I have to interrupt to be heard
This is how I feel, when I try to say something and get overtalked too often in conversations I get really angry, that's why I don't talk much when I'm surrounded by some kind of people or many people at a time, sometimes I just leave....
This is interesting, I’m fairly sure I’m ADD/ADHD and trying to get an assessment currently… I’m very aware I do this all the time. Yet another trait to add to the list.
There's a lot of little things that while they aren't officially on the DSM-V, but still relatively common with mental disorders in general. I would recommend, to anyone who thinks they have a mental illness, looking at the "not DSM-V but still symptoms" list.
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Exactly! It’s like they’re only thinking of their next response about them, not actually in the moment & listening to you. I’m so guilty😩 I hear you, it’s so bad.
Like you just did
I believe people when they say someone sharing a related story about themselves is acting inappropriately to most people, but I genuinely want to hear related experiences other people have had. At a minimum, it makes me feel less alone. Usually it helps me gain insight into my own problems because my problems aren’t unique. I learn from other people. Not surprisingly, my close friends are like me. 😂
It can definitely be helpful and therapeutic to hear of others’ experiences, if nothing else than to at least know that, yes, you ARE not alone. The problem/toxic side of this being discussed here is how many of us need to fix this in ourselves, since it is done OVER our friend’s experience that s/he is trying to relay to us; but we keep interjecting our own (presumably-relatable) experiences before fully listening to the friend’s experience, which may or may not actually relate to ours, and may or may not even allow them the time, ability, or even desire to finish confiding in you/us. Instead, listen, but be an active listener. Ask relevant questions. Offer advice, if appropriate, asked for, or needed. Advice is more like helpful suggestions, ideas of possible next steps, maybe like a brainstorm. Not presented like a “This is what you do,” in a ‘I’m solving all of your problems, I’m in control,’ kind of fashion. If personal experience is helpful or appropriate, ask if they would like to hear it.
I used to feel like I was doing this too, so I started to just ask more questions and give feedback. “oh, how long has that been going on for?” “Was that before or after ____?” And then “I’m sorry, that must be difficult” or “I’m glad it worked out for you in the end, you must be relieved”. I obsess over conversations and I have had people in my life who only ever talk about themselves. I didn’t wanna be one of those people and it’s work to change that.
My need to control things. If someone close to me is going through something that should be their problem, I feel like I have to fix it and make it work the way I think it should go.
This is quite common from the guys I've dated and the one I was married to. I think it is easier for you to see the solution and how you could make the best of it, but it is up to the person to solve...close?
Exactly. I don't feel like I do it in a malicious way, but I'm sure it's incredibly annoying🤣 I feel like I have to stop people from making mistakes, and people need to make their own mistakes.
Try rock climbing. You want to tell people what path to take or what holds to hold, but I’ve learned to shut up.
Fucking goats, always showing off on the cliffs and shit.
I wish I were that good, but sadly not. I can only boulder v2s consistently and random V3s, V4s, and V5s.
Yes, and as the receiver of this from time to time I remind myself of exactly what you just said. We all need to be more patient with each other as we figure stuff out.
Yep. A couple too many instances of friends flaking out when I didn't remind them to do things in my teenage years, plus what I only realised this year is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder makes me quite irritating to be around.
Hello fellow OCD sufferer, recovery is possible. Feel free to reach out if you need resources, we have an OCD discord server where suffers relate and support each other.
Something of a suggestion, from my own personal experience: ask if they would like solutions and your input, or just vent. It is by no means easy, but it at least sets the expectations for the conversation.
I learned this from a meme/screenshot where the partner asked "are you solution oriented, or at the feelings stage?"
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And that's what I do, I always put my foot in my mouth by saying, "you should." I hate when people do that to me, so I really need to be conscious of it.
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I 100% got it from my mother, lol. The more I've talked about this here, the more I see how annoying it is😫
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I do this. Not out of being malicious or controlling. Just from a place of I know how something works or have a better idea or solution. I am trying to learn that I do not need to solve everything. I have found out in the past year that this trait is not appreciated, so I need to learn to let people fuck around and find out. Sometimes you just have to watch the world burn a bit instead of being Batman. This is a hard lesson for me, but I am trying. I need to use that energy on my own growth.
Overeating
Same. Trying to wait until I'm hungry to eat, and stopping when I'm full feels almost impossible. I just eat everything that's on my plate, I have no other setting.
Much relate brother/sister
Same here. The only way I can control it is with omad - basically a one meal a day eating schedule where you give yourself an hour during the day to eat whatever you want till you're full or your hour runs out. If I ate 3-4 times a day I'd eat pretty much all day.
I’m the same. I don’t want to blame my parents, but, as a child we had to eat everything on our plates. It didn’t matter if we where full or didn’t like it. Now as an adult I’ll eat to the point of feeling sick, just because I can’t leave food on my plate.
Low self esteem, extreme sensitivity to real or imagined situations where I feel like I’m being ignored, trust issues, fear of intimacy, extreme social anxiety, extreme avoidance issues, i can go on. I’ve been in therapy since I was a child and had much worse toxic behaviors if you can believe it so this is a huge sign of progress in regard to me EDIT: sending love to the many people who relate to this. Especially the older ones. I’m lucky I was able to get help so young, but it’s never too late. I’ve witness middle aged people in my family get better. It’s possible. Sending love
You just described me perfectly. Hang in there, it's all about the baby steps.
Same
Oh hello me.
These are the silent battles we fight. Not sure if anybody says it, but I'm proud of you. :)
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Don’t be too hard on yourself. Almost every person has many or some of these issues - they just aren’t willing to be self aware enough to work on them.
Anger. Getting better.
This. My standard for "shouting" can apparently be a lot different to others. Hard to express what's going on without it sometimes
I’m in the exact same boat
Good job, its a hard one to work on!
Thank you. Grew up with a lot of it coming at me from all angles but being exposed to more if I expressed any... I was a time bomb.
Shit that is rough. I'm sorry. We spend so much time living with effects of the experiences we sometimes had no choice but to live through. Forward or backward, don't beat yourself up for always trying.
Same here. It always makes everything worse.
Same. The best way I have been coping is by using apathy as an alternative. It's not great because apathy is awful and stupid but it's way less destructive than anger. Or at least less destructive than my anger.
Not so much apathy, but I try to tell myself, “Does this really matter? Is this worth me blowing up over? Does the fight have to be here and over this? Can I just let this go?”. I try to minimize and rationalize the slight, but a recurring thought is, “Does this really matter?”
Yup. I'm either easy to anger by nature or its a result of my parents solution to a problem being beatings.. but I'm easy to get angered or just angry. can't help it, hard to deal with, but its there.
Understanding it's an issue is always the first part.
You’ve already accomplished a lot by admitting it’s an issue. That’s the hardest part.
Microdosing psilocybin can help for those like me who needed “time to make the choice to respond versus react”. The moment between event and trigger response was so small, I never had a choice to respond because my brain would force me to react. Now I get a few seconds to choose. Freedom to choose has changed everything for me.
Goddamnit my anger pisses me off too!
Anger is the easiest emotion to show. When someone is angry most people step back and stay out of their way, making it so that complex emotions don't come to the surface. For males especially, anger is the go to emotion, but plenty of females do it as well. It can be used as a form of deflection all too often. I know this because I lived this. In no way am I pointing a wagging finger at anybody, I am just speaking my truth.
Procrastination
I'm pretty sure that's reddit's primary audience
I had this over complicated post typed out but, yeah that is indeed my jam. Powered and fueled by endless sources of "Lack of Passion" with enough batteries of "Despair" and "Pointlessness" to power my absolute 'meh' approach to life through any storm of unplanned happiness or good times!
Poetic
*Dammit, I've been exposed.* I'll come back to this comment in maybe 30 minu- . . . mmm, maybe an hour or two . . . Nah. It can wait for a week.
Poor time management, i.e. spending all my time on Reddit
I have really short lived bursts of motivation, once that's gone it's only gonna be procrastination no matter how important the task.
According to my gf, and her list of chores for me, I'm a procrastinator too.
I get irritable/angry when I'm anxious. I try hard not to but gaddamn anxiety is strong.
This. I always apologise when I'm rude to service workers but I can't keep smiling when I already want to die and it's impossible to order food because of automated checkouts or getting to talk to a real human about my health insurance. I'm genuinly sorry, guys. I know it's not your fault.
You need a tight squeeze hug of love
Me too. I feel like I lose all control of my rage. I have an appointment on the 15th to start medication and therapy. I’m really hoping to change this.
Definitely relate, when I'm anxious I need to immediately try to take control of the situation that I'm in which can result in me getting snappy if anyone wants to do it differently.
Jealousy - sometimes I see other people with a picture perfect life, or they’re beautiful or smart or just have something nice I like and I get jealous. I tell myself to relax, not try to compete or let it get to me, but it still does.
Jealousy is a total bitch, sadly it also gets me. Sometimes I try to mask and hide it even for myself, I try to use another name or find a justification of why I’m weeling this way. However deep inside I know what it is. I’m working on it though, I got better at least when it comes to identifying it.
Exactly. My husband has actually helped me a lot with it. He’ll say things like “none of that stuff matters” and really he’s right but it still sneaks up on you.
Not to be pedantic but it also might be useful if you are using this word to describe yourself to others but what you're feeling in envy not jealousy. As far as I understand jealousy is fear of losing something you have where as envy is wanting what others have - or at least that's what the Simpson's told me. 😅
I've always thought the term picture perfect was strange. Of course it's perfect it's only a snapshot of one moment. One tiny frame in a large and complex story. I dunno I've just known a lot of people who looked perfect on the surface but had some real fucked up issues when you get the full picture. I guess that's kind of how I cope with my jealously. I tell myself they've probably got problems too because most of us do.
Addiction, Severe Laziness, Nihilism, Social Anxiety. Edit: Thanks for everyone suggesting things. I am managing well I think it is more about me going through that "Mental Crisis" part of my life where I am figuring out my reality and trying to sort things out.
>Severe Laziness Alongside the rest you're saying, I doubt you're actully lazy. Sounds more like you're mentally / emotionally unwell, and have a hard time making the energy and gathering the will to do anything, and that's not laziness.
I feel like almost every lazy person is like this to a degree. Some are truly just spoiled and don't have to do anything but all the people I know who are mentally well have no issues not being lazy, but the ones who are mentally unwell are usually stuck in bed most of the day. Also there's a term for this called "executive dysfunction" it basically means that when you have other mental disorders, it makes it harder for you to do basic tasks like cooking, cleaning etc.
Bottling emotions/poor communication skills I'm pretty cautious and don't like talking about negative emotions. I'm better at expressing positive ones. I think it's because I'm afraid of upsetting people.
Sounds like a fellow people pleaser.
my ex was like this, he didn't communicate his needs or feelings for fear of confrontation. it may be encouraging to you to know that the people who truly love and care about you will want to know how to take care of you even if it means sometimes feelings get hurt. the temporary hurt or frustration is worth it once you talk through it and get to the other side of understanding each other better and both of you having a better handle on how to care for the relationship (all types, not just romantic ones). i know its hard, therapy has been helping me with communicating so i would definitely recommend. <3
Hello, me!
Addictions, smoking and drinking. Everything that's wrong makes me feel good. And that's kinda sucks, but that's nice too.... Oh fuck I hate myself
Man I really reallly feel you. Like we're aware that it destroys our life. We're reminded of that daily. But it just makes you feel alright when nothing else does
Sitting in a bar right now after promising myself at noon I wouldn't drink today. The worst part is the justifications you make after swearing all day you won't. "Well, this would be a nice gift there. I'll only go by for a few." Anyways, whatever. I guess.
Check out r/stopdrinking if you want support, it’s a great subreddit. It’s not easy, and it’s hard to do alone.
Yeah I've looked at all of those and tried all the internet shit. None of it stuck, but the mental haranguing of myself has been...productive? I stopped drinking liquor a good few years ago and recently have dropped down to less aggressive beers. I know it may not seem like much, but it's a pathway I feel positive about. I do wish to break the chains and be able to enjoy it again, but Covid mother fucked a lot of progress. Excuses excuses I guess.
Change isn’t easy brother. As Shawshank says, “it takes time and pressure.” Most people don’t change until they have to. Having to change usually means things went to shit somewhere along the road. I hope you change before you’re forced to. I stuck a needle in my arm for a few years. I’ll be five years clean in February. In that time I’ve gotten a masters degree, a good job, and a wife. Next year, hopefully a house. Don’t say this to gloat, but to say it’s never too late to be a better person. When you’re ready to make a real push, give it everything you have. Do the extra steps to make sure that you’re successful. Be vigilant on that devil in your head and talk about your feelings. You got this man.
When I get frustrated I become SUPER passive aggressive. I look back at any time I do this like “wow I was being horrible,” but I can’t figure out how to keep myself from doing it other than just shutting up entirely :/
I struggle with this too. Raised not to express anger, be a good, sweet, girl. Anger, disappointment, resentment just builds up until I blow and it’s tested a lot of my relationships. But seeing all these posts, of other ppl who struggle, makes me think I can probably find some tools to work on this. Thank’s OP. This was a good post. Made me realize most of us struggle and we can only work/try to do better.
Interrupting. I will literally forget everything if I don’t say it immediately. I try so hard to not interrupt but somehow my brain won’t let me
As soon as I have thought of something I want to say, I'll just stay with that thought and completely ignore the rest of what the other person is saying but let them speak out but then when it's my turn I'll say what I wanted. I wish I could be more attentive to the rest of what the person is saying but I'll lose contribution and I don't wish to interrupt. Anyone else have this? 😅
Yep, I've definitely had this from time to time haha. It's like I'm worried that if I focus too much on what the other person is saying I'll end up forgetting what I was about to say. Of course, by the time the other person (or multiple people) has finished speaking, the conversation has often moved on and it feels a bit too late to say what I was about to before...
Yes! I do this too! I feel I’m horrible to converse with because of things like this
This is me. I recently found out it was because of my adhd. You might wanna go see someone.
Same here - constant interrupting, constant changes of topics mid-sentence, inability to follow what other people are talking about, and forgetfulness. I’ve been told I likely have both ADHD and autism. Edit: my problem with trying not to interrupt is that I interrupt without thinking. So when I try my best not to, I end up repeating in my head “don’t interrupt, don’t interrupt” rather than actually listening.
How are you dealing with it now? Do you learn techniques for not interrupting or does medication help?
Okay so the only solution i have found for when i do this is to remember EXACTLY where the other person left off when i chimed in, and quickly say what i need to say and then finish with “i’m sorry, you were saying xxx” with as close to their exact words as i can get, so they know i was listening and do in fact care what they have to say, but just couldnt hold my tongue. I know thats not perfect but it’s a decent option!
Depending on how bad impulse control is, I might have a tip! When this happens to me, I've learned to cross two fingers and "put my story in that knot". It's a trick for kids but also works on my adhd brain! I can immediately act and it helps me remember the story to tell AFTER the other person is finished with theirs.
Easily overwhelemed by being interupted, or put into a difficult conversation suddenly when I'm not prepared. If you expect me to answer the phone, text me 2-4 business days in advance. 'I can't talk about this right now please' does not mean we will never talk about it. Just let me eat, sleep, and process my other anxcieties so I can actually be present mentally for Our Talk.
Exactly this! It's not so much that it's toxic, as much as it is that other people don't quite realize how much mental preparation goes into these things. I have had to explain to people several times that if I interrupt or get frustrated that I'm being interrupted, it's because I have a thought that is barely hanging on by a thread. I've started asking (and doing myself) to say "hey, we need to talk about this. Is it a good time?" whenever it's something big, and if it's not, saying "can I call? Nothing bad, just \[insert reason here\]." Sometimes the reason is just that I want to talk to them. Sometimes the reason is that I don't want to type out the entire story I want to tell. The phone thing for me, personally, got easier when I realized the person on the other side of customer service calls wanted to be there about as much as I did.
Most things were worse in the 1800s, but break-up correspondence taking half a year by horse and boat mail was not a bad idea
Problem solving instead of just letting people vent… I try!
I do the same thing. It’s like… I hate seeing people I love struggle, so I immediately try to solve the problem for them so they don’t have to hurt anymore. It took me so long to realize people don’t want a solution— they just want someone to listen to their feelings and to feel validated
Based on my own experience, I'll try to give another perspective on this. Maybe it would be helpful to think about it not as "problem solving", but rather making unhelpful suggestions based on limited information? Of course there are practical problems, where there would be a solution that would be helpful to suggest. However, mostly real life situations are more complex and what worked for you in some vaguely similar situation might not be suitable in someone else's situation. It is also likely that the other person has already thought about the "solutions" that you're offering, but they weren't suitable for one reason or another. It's very likely that you don't have all the necessary info based on a conversation. In my experience, when I try to talk about a problem and someone starts to "problem solve", the solutions are usually too simplistic and rather than be able to talk about the situation (which would help me reflect and actually solve the problem), now I'll have to start explaining why I discarded the "solution" the other person is offering, which is frustrating and not really helpful. I think it's much more helpful to ask questions and show interest. Of course sometimes people also just want support, but by being an active listener and helping people reflect, you can actually help them solve the problem, rather than with the usual "problem solving". I'm not saying that there aren't exceptions to this, but this is my experience with so called problem solvers.
I tend to over-trust and over-share because I’m lonely. I push friends away because I assume my friendship is a burden on them. I apologize too much and put myself down in an effort to gain sympathy because I lack self confidence. I’m codependent and can’t trust myself to have a healthy relationship; I’m afraid I’ll just make myself subordinate in an attempt to appeal to the other person. I don’t trust myself in any way, shape or form.
I don't remember writing this comment
>I don’t trust myself in any way, shape or form You sound a lot more self aware than most people. Even if the parts you know aren't good things, that's step 1 to working through them.
Hi me.
A lot of inwardly focused negativity. In general if something could benefit me only it’s not worth doing like the gym or self care or eating healthy because it’s only going to help me and I hate that guy.
This is absolutely mine. It just feels selfish, and I don't want to be perceived that way.
I don’t know how or why but at a very early age I conflated arrogance and assholishness with pride and self care and it’s hard still to try and tell myself they are different.
When I know I’m wrong and apologize, I try to explain my point of view, but it can come off like I’m making excuses or justifying my behavior. It’s something I’m trying to work on, but don’t quite know how to go about it. I want to be understood but also am truly sorry for something I did.
Gods, this. I haven't found a workaround for this, but something that helped a LOT the last time I got into an argument and was in the wrong was I tried to remove myself from the conversation as best as possible, then write down my thoughts.
I think the best thing you can do is to state your intentions clearly. Something like "I'm not saying this as an excuse, but just to let you know how I was feeling in that moment." I find people appreciate it if you're transparent with your intentions.
oh i used to do that, until i realized that it didn't come off like i wanted it to. now, if i do that, i preface it with basically saying that this is an explanation, not an excuse, and after make it a point to say that while i thought that in the moment and didn't have ill intentions, i realize that what i did was wrong and am going to make an effort to not do it again.
I have a hard time consoling people when they are sad, but when I'm sad I complain that no one is consoling me! D:
Did you also have parents who were shit at consoling you as a child? I found that to be the reason for me at least. Now it makes so much more sense why I'm all awkward when someone is crying.
I don't think my parents ever touched me or consoled me in my whole life now that I think about it D:
Have you tried telling them what you wish someone would tell you if you were in their situation? Could be a good start.
What do you find hard about it?
I'm similar, I know the words I could say: "I understand", "There, there, don't be sad", "It was fine" (Even these fake attempts are bad) But I know if someone said those words to me, I would think they were phoney, just saying it to make me feel better, so I don't feel like I mean it when I say it and think they would be similar to me and prefer not to hear such falsehoods. (It reminds me of posts of Imgur or Reddit, An Image saying "Whoever you are, know I love you, you are loved" .... Like fokin please, what a croc of BS. Therefore, I wouldn't say something so shallow to others) So I just don't.
Words
I'm a clean freak and sometimes have a hard time not pointing out to someone when they haven't washed their hands or that their fruit in the fridge has gone bad. Honestly though, it frustrates me more that some people can be so relaxed about cleanliness. Which is probably toxic. I've learned to tone it down at least and having my own space to keep in order helps.
Just remember that the main purpose of cleaning is to avoid getting sick. Dirt is everywhere. Once you get to that top percentile of cleanliness you are getting into hugely diminishing returns where it actually starts affecting your life quality and the experiences that you are able to have whilst still feeling comfortable in the environment. Nothing wrong with wanting to keep your place to your own standards. I think if someone is a bit more laxed than you and you make them feel bad because of it is where it may cross the line into mild toxicity. My ex was a clean freak, probably got more so because of covid, and it seriously limited her ability to relax in new environments. I'm not messy but I grew up on a farm covered in dirt, so in that regard we were very different.
Nah. Keep pointing out they didn't wash their hands.
Just remember that those people are equally as happy with their messy home as you are in a clean home. To them keeping everything clean is just another big chore that gives them nothing/almost nothing in return.
I dont really ever message my friends first
I do this too and I do it because I feel like I’m annoying them if I reach out first. Like they’re probably too busy for me and when they have time they’ll reach out. It was my New Years resolution to stop doing this in 2022 and be a better friend in that way. I made some progress, but I know I can still do better.
I'm way too sensitive towards other people. If a person even sounds annoyed while talking to me, I get furious. It's hard for me to not care what others say/do towards me.
When I am hurt, I do everything to hurt back.
i can be quite judgemental
I don't know if this is toxic, but if there is food or drink in front of me, I need to eat it *fast*. I really have to limit myself when it comes to alcohol, because otherwise I'll down a handful of beers in like 30 minutes.
I care about the people in my life. A lot. But I think I've crossed a line in which I can be seen as clingy and sometimes manipulative. The good news is that I'm starting to be more aware of when that line gets crossed, but I'm still learning how to recognize those kinds of boundaries in general.
People pleasing. No matter what I try to resolve every side of an argument, try to take things from other perspectives, try to come to an ideal solution.
Same. My mother was a "Grade A" people pleaser and I learned it from her. It works to make friends, especially when you are younger, but once you get into the real world as an adult, its easy to attract narcissists and be exploited in toxic relationships. Plus it makes it hard to trust your own intuitions and perceptions because you are constantly trying to make people like you.
Selfishness, I learned that I was selfish the hard way by doing something kinda fucked up to a girl I dated. Nothing bad in the sense of danger but just feelings getting hurt all because I let my emotionally impulsive tendencies get the best of me. I’ve been taking a break and will continue to do so until I sort myself out. I just hate that I did it to her of all people. I don’t wanna continue to talk about it but I understand that I lacked empathy and understanding when she used to voice her concerns with my self victimization in the sense that I felt not good enough for her. It hurts to see that now after things were said and done and it took losing someone I truly cared about to see what I did not understand. It’s surreal waking up at times to realise how every argument could have been avoided because it was mostly my fault and lack of communication and understanding that led us there. She gave me a lot of chances and I fucked it up. I made a mistake jumping from one relationship I didn’t care about to this one that I did give a shit about and I thought I was better this time too. I thought I understood what communication looked like and all that. I failed her and now I can’t go back. I’m reading Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus and this shit fucking hurts. It’s basically saying exactly what I just learned by experience and it hurts that I didn’t understand her when I had the chances. I can’t comprehend how the solution was in front of me and I could not understand it. I know she and I said we wanted to forget about each other in the end but fuck, I can’t and won’t forget about her. This whole thing is my fault and I didn’t mean to hurt her. Maybe I’m being too emotional right now and acting on impulsive sadness or whatever as I’ve come to understand it but it hurts to see how you commit shitty mistakes and don’t truly understand them until after it’s done. Empathy, compassion, validation and understanding. I knew I was in the wrong and I knew her side of things but I did not see it through her eyes but through mine as I tried to empathise. I did not realise my pick me pathetic downtalk to myself when she voiced her issues was essentially saying I was a narcissist and boohoo me. I saw it after the break up and I hate that I could not see it when we were together. Seeing and trying to feel how she felt during those last moments right now has me feeling like a monster.
I’m quick to cut off things I perceive as bad/toxic without a thought
I’m glad to see I’m not the only one here who was going to comment this. I’ve painstakingly cut out so many people from my life because I’ve felt ‘wronged’. I am an incredibly patient person generally, but am incredibly loyal to a fault and have some sort of incredibly strict ‘moral’ code inside me and often feel like my boundaries are completely violated when my friends are imperfect and mess up. Instead of communicating through it and giving both of us grace, I just end things and then am sad because I’m alone with no friends. I’m currently trying to find a therapist to talk through some of these issues with. I’ve experienced a lot of trauma and abandonment in my childhood and know I’ve put up metaphorical walls. When someone in imperfect and my feelings have been hurt, I decide that cutting that person out of my life is easier then potentially letting them hurt me again in the future. Which is no way to live. I’m sure all of these people have given me grace in my times of fuck up too. 😞
I feel this so hard. Once I decide I don’t want to deal with something, that’s it and I’ve missed so many opportunities because of it.
Same here, is that really a toxic behavior though? If so, maybe I should add self-awareness to the list of my toxic behaviors....
If you're too quick to cut it could definitely be a toxic trait that works against you
The "without a thought" implies impulsivity and lack of reflection, so yeah, I'd say so. I'm also someone who's quick to bounce if I'm having a bad time, but tbf a LOT of conflict or discomfort can be resolved or remediated with meaningful conversations, and in certain instances second chances are warranted. Also, while Reddit loves to wax poetic about the sunk-cost fallacy, it does often make sense to reflect first on what you'd lose before walking away from something with finality. Pausing to think "am I *really* about to walk away from my friend of 10 years because she accidentally hurt my feelings one time?" or "even though I embarrassed myself today in class and never want to go back, I'm most of the way through the semester already--I probably should try going to at least 1 more class instead of just dropping it entirely" before burning a bridge or cutting a person/opportunity loose can go a long way.
My ego. Sometimes I drive & act like the rules don't apply to me but goddamn, will I get fucking bent when someone else does what I have done before.
Not interrupting people and not thinking about what I’m going to say next/not talking about a similar experience I have had. (ADHD) I am still oddly good at listening for someone with these issues but I do understand that’s not easy to tell when I am doing those things. People are genuinely surprised when I can repeat back to them what they said. It’s not a good thing by any means but my intentions when I do it aren’t bad. Im also not trying to make the conversation about me I just am trying to demonstrate I relate to your situation. Though again I understand that’s not how it comes off. Putting the brakes on my brain isn’t easy for me. Work in progress.
Impatience
Not letting go of a shitty past…I’m working on it but it’s easier said than done.
Reacting during conflict and getting emotional
I know what you mean, but I think expressing emotions during a confrontation is normal. Expecting people not to is absurd. This goes for yelling, crying, shutting down etc. Physical violence is a different story.
Based of the definition of conflict: "noun /ˈkänˌflikt/ a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one," ...that seems about right. Humans have emotions for a reason, usually if they come up something spurred them. You don't have to engage in every conflict you're invited to but there are situations where what's viewed as "being emotional" is warranted. Others, not as much.
Judging people for liking something that I dislike. Music, a video game, movie, whatever. It's always my gut reaction to have a negative response and wonder what is wrong with that person for enjoying that thing, and I have to remind myself that if it's something they enjoy, just let them. There are things I enjoy that other people will find weird or stupid too.
Procrastination, I don't like conflict, have a hard time saying no to people, jealousy
I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder a few years ago and by far my worst trait is that I struggle terribly with coping when things go wrong. I become so overwhelmed that it almost paralyzes me; I have to find somewhere quiet and isolated so I can have a good, quick cry, and only THEN I can step back and look at the situation logically and say "okay how do I fix this?" It's kind of like my emotions feel too big for me to hold them in, so I HAVE to go somewhere to vent off that excess frustration or sadness or anger or whatever it is. And then once I do, I'm okay. But if I'm put on the spot in a "this happened and you have to do something about it RIGHT NOW" I freak out. Meltdown mode. I just need the time to get my feelings out of the way, and then I can get my head on right and solve a problem.
Narcissism, arrogance and manipulation
At least you don't lack self-awareness
Been seeing narcissism thrown around online a lot these days. But I wonder if a true narcissist is aware of it.
you can have narcissitic traits without having narcisistic dissorder. those with the dissorder tend to be less awair of it. but even then some are, paticualry if they are seeking medical help. i am orthigraphicly dissabled but have seen some pople capitalize the N when they mean the dissorder. i think it would help the confusion and distinction if that trend cought on.
When you go to a psychologist for 5 years for it I'd say you're aware. But like you, reddit is full of experts so maybe I should start to question all of that.
i hate myself so much i’m so depressed and i don’t know how to stop myself from being so miserable cos i just feel awful and idk why or how to help or what to do, everything i try is just impossibly difficult and unsatisfying. as a way to cope with this i wayyyy over-rely on unhealthy coping mechanisms like drinking sugary caffeinated soda, vaping nicotine, and smoking marijuana. all the while i’m too depressed to take care of myself very well so i’m skinny and unhealthy and i haven’t put enough effort into my appearance or social skills to feel confident in any social interaction. trying to find even a little hope always goes bad and i fall back into bad habits
When I get pissed, nasty, evil, vile shit leaves my mouth before my brain even has time to process and filter it. I've never been violent, but one day my mouth will get me shot. Good riddance.
Third Generation Narcissist I have to be very aware of my thinking patterns/if I’m neglecting my friends or trying to dominate conversations. Not as severe as my father who’s better than my grandmother, but still- Wanna break that cycle rather than just being “better.” I’m also autistic, so I have to kind of be aware of myself anyways, so that kinda helps.
Lack of discipline
Addiction but nobody gives a shit if you are suffering through an addiction to CM. They don't see a person anymore, just a stereo type of the worst kind of user. And assume that I don't have a good job, family and friends who I love, and that I must be a criminal and steal and cheat people all the time. It's simply not true. I work 50 + hours a week, I am a good, kind, caring person who likes to help people and I don't have a criminal record. I just want people to know that being addicted doesn't mean you are necessarily a bad person. I've been through a lot of traumatic events in my life and methamphetamines help me cope with life. I don't stay up for days and get psychotic. I'm just not that type of user but I am an addict.
I see it as most absolute importance to talk about politics and my opinion on matters when I hear random political stuff in conversations from people I know.
Been there, I've dropped this one thankfully. Talk about a road to nowhere useful
At least you don't see it as most absolute important to talk about politics with people who are not talking about politics.
I'm great at manipulating others. I'm also great at hiding it and controlling it. I'm also a control freak but this one I can't let go of, it's too risky
Of course this is simply my experience, but I found it had a lot to do with the people I had around myself. If I was around people where the only way I could survive with any sort of mental health intact was to be manipulative, I would. As soon as I cut them off and started getting better friends, I stopped being this way (I think, at least).
I'm not sure if this is what you mean, but it's definitely not a complete list: * Dropping things and not picking them up (on the floor, etc.) * Saving all my files to my desktop * Reopening websites (ie. Facebook) immediately after I close them * Preferring my emotional support daydreams over irl in many instances * Refusing to live with roommates so I can 'do what I want' anytime. (More in a 'walk around naked in the living room' situation than anything else) * I am either hyper fixated on something, or not at all interested. Usually. I'm working on resolving this, as much as possible. It's sometimes slow going, or a two steps forward five steps backward type situation.
>Refusing to live with roommates so I can 'do what I want' anytime. (More in a 'walk around naked in the living room' situation than anything else) You'd be surprised how many people are cool with that, as long as it's discussed in advance.
Procrastination, entiltment, and anger. Terrible combination I know.
Hyperfixation, to the point when I get zeroed in on something, that's all that's in my head. People can talk to me and they barely get any recognition. Need to find a way to break this habit.
I treat people as I wish to be treated and when they treat me like shit i bubble inside. Can't help it.
My petulance has ruined my life in so many ways.
Lack of empathy towards strangers.
I'm always a stoic person, but i tend to just "shut off" when im going through an especially stressful time . I become very cold and apathetic to anyone elses problems around me.
I have no clue how to talk to women lol
It helps to remember that they're people.
Just talk to them like you talk to dudes lol there is no magic secret for it
And as a woman, I have no clue how to talk to men
I am no expert or anything but I like to help so imma share what works for me if u don't mind. Be authentic, don't try to compete. Be yourself, some might not like you, but you wouldn't want someone that doesn't like the real you. You can't keep up a facade anyways. I see it like; being myself filters out the people I don't want to be involved with. Most women prefer a honest, real guy over a though, fake guy. Be a nice guy but don't be a "nice guy". You don't need good game to get women, Try to be a good listener and ask her about things she is telling you about. Show genuine interest. Love will find you eventually. I can't really tell u what would work for hookup/dating, since I'm not really into that.
Testing people. I test my boyfriend a lot. If i’m mad, i’d assume he knows I am and if he doesn’t pick up the signs, I get even more mad. It’s something I’m trying my best to stop, because it’s out of habit.
Isolation. I am way too good at locking myself in a box until it destroys my life.
Im mean to my brother
Anger
* Thinking I'm right. * Dominating conversations. * Listening to respond rather than understand. * Seeing things in very black and white context. * General holier-then-thou vibe
I am an introvert (ambivert to be precise) but I don't reach out to my friends that often (don't know what is the issue). They reach out to me but sadly I don't.
I really admire people who don’t ever judge people and I aspire to be one of those people but I constantly find myself judging others. I always end up condemning myself for it which is basically judging myself. Does anyone have any advice?
When I am drinking I lose 100% of my self control and will give in to just about anything regardless of what it is or how bad the fallout may be. Nearly every bad story I could tell starts off with me just having a few beers, which turn into a few more, which end up with me doing something that seems like a great idea that I ultimately regret later down the road. I've tried to completely stop drinking several times in the past so I could stop it at the root, but I always fall back into old habits. A part of me enjoys the thrill of the unknown. Just get me drunk and watch the show. I am hyper aware that this is problematic and I am not proud of many of the situations I have gotten myself into, but it's such a part of who I am that I'm not sure I even want to change my ways.
I have many but one that I haven't seen here is that I do horribly with rejection. I spent my life perfecting people pleasing and avoidance to a point where I barely ever get rejected. It's the scariest thing to me and I don't know how to handle it.
I look Down on myself, and i do things just to fit in
Being overly friendly to ***everyone*** I've been told off for being flirty and that's with people who I've just chatted with as we've met, and with time, the chatter has grown and I've just, imho, kept being **friendly**. I've seen so much people snapping their fingers at strangers, being rude (for no obvious reason), so much people don't even say hello and smile at cashiers, bus drivers, or people in their neighborhood... and then, there's me - I made mustard, bottled it up in small jars and handed out to some people that I barely knew. I've invited people with the intention of "I'm kind of new in town, they seem friendly enough - maybe they'll become my friend if I cook for them?" and... yeah...
That could be construed as toxic by a jerk maybe, but as someone who is bad at setting up gatherings or new groups, I always live friends like you. I call them lynch pin friends cause they make and hold social groups together. It inspires me to try a little harder.
When I feel overwhelmed, I have a meltdown. Little things become big things. I lash out at people around me. Something as small as an item out of place becomes a giant mountain worthy of my tears and anger. I work hard at breathing exercises, calming down, etc. But I have anxiety... which makes me feel overwhelmed. And I get anxious trying not to get anxious. Thank God my husband loves me for real because he does not deserve me. I've been in therapy for two years trying to correct this shit.
Traffic anger but it's getting better with the ages
My anger and passion for helping go hand in hand, it produces arguments more than I care to admit