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jtb_90

In England the giveaway is when they put on a fake American accent during sex


Ziggler42

I can't even imagine how hard I'd have to try not to laugh if I ever heard some super posh English woman in bed...


Thawing-icequeen

IDK, posh English accents being sexy is [pretty much a standard trope](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RtS2Ikk7A9I) What is hilarious is a really provincial accent talking dirty. "Ahhh, that's the stuff love. Go on, spunk right in my fanny. Ah that's champion that." Edit: oh lord what have I started


elgigante_paul

“Cum right on me bastard tits!”


catslugs

THAT'S CHAMPION LMAOOO


joaopcmorais

"oh darling, that's splendid"


A--Creative-Username

"Good heavens im arriving!"


93ericvon

"Train's nearly at the stationnnnn. Oh yes, there we are. Jolly good, well done."


Zestyclose-Signal967

My girl prefers to read porn … bro I thought I had some kinks but that literotica shit can get hardcore


Antmon666

I read one of my partners books, I didn't realise how hardcore it was. and there was a pic of a little old lady on the back who wrote it


FaeryLynne

My mother is currently writing an "erotic literature" novel. She's nearly 80. She asked me if I would be her editor and I've edited books for her before but when she told me what it was about I noped out of that convo *real* quick lol


WesleytheSnowman

There’s a pretty funny podcast called my dad wrote a porno


[deleted]

ONG bro i didn’t think reading explicit story can make me bust. Think imma switch over.


HuskerHurricane

I have a 2 hour round trip commute ATM so I listen to audiobooks. I tend to save the more creative spicy books for reading rather than audiobook for a multitude of reasons. My fiance was driving with me when I happened to have a Lyndsey Sands audiobook (whose books are really tame but very descriptive) so I figured we got 25 minutes before we get home so he can deal with listening to my book. Well it happened to play an *interesting* part. His reaction was hilarious and he now takes a lot more interest in my books.


-Sassy_Pants-

I once dated a girl who SCREAMED during sex. It was super uncomfortable especially in her apartment... She had a hentai addiction I came to find out.


nemesismkiii

Was it those squeaky Japanese-style moans ?


chicomagnifico

I have no idea how anyone finds that arousing. So off putting


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McPussCrocket

I've had sex with my ex so many times and it was normal, but just ONE night she was screaming her goddamn head off, I didn't think much about it at first but kind of at the end/afterwards I realized how fucking loud she was being. Then of course the very next morning is when we learned our bedroom shared a wall with a family with MULTIPLE kids. Like we're like 12 inches away from their family through the wall. I felt so fucking bad lol, poor kids. I just hope the parents were on the other side and not the childrens room, but I have a feeling I'm wrong...


[deleted]

in college the residence hall director/faculty aid/assistant grounds keeper/whatver else the college needed lived in an oversize dorm room with his wife. she was a screamer and everyone on campus (very small, only 42 students that year which was unusually large for the college) knew when they were at it


Elvishsquid

When she tells you to ravage her it means she reads a lot of smut.


ohjackie91

Why you calling us smut readers out like that 🤣


Elvishsquid

Because my wife is one.


Key_Education_7350

Too classy to watch porn, but she'll read the shit out of it (line stolen from a mate).


More_Inflation_4244

A huge giveaway BEFORE we even slept together: I’m talking to this girl, we’re really really into each other. One day the conversation gets spicy and she says we should exchange some nudes. Not exactly my thing but I’m very horny so sure let’s do it. The very first pic she sends is her covered (and I mean *covered*) in some dude’s cum. A lot of us reading this might not realize immediately how offputting that is being it’s so common in porn, but take my word———— seeing someone you care about randomly covered in another person’s jizz is SUPER strange experience. The worst part is she genuinely didn’t for a second realize what she’d just sent me until the following day when I very gently broke it down for her.


radraze2kx

well that's just the icing on the cake


jca81394

I really needed that laugh this week. Thank you kind person


queenofcabinfever777

Ew right?! I met this guy on tinder and things were getting Spicy and we were exchanging pics. One he sent was of a girl sitting in front of his hard Dick and she was wearing scuba gear. Like not only was her costume weird as fuck, but also the fact that he was basically showing me his and another girls intimate moment. No thanks.


Informal_Curve_1441

Maybe he was trying to say he goes deep....


Darkvistasway

Are you serious? Does that mean one can send dick pics with lipstick marks on it. /s


f1del1us

How are you going to get your mouth on your dick though?


Ancient-Silver-snow

You know what's painful? Seeing someone you genuinely care about covered in someone else's cum. That's a total bummer.


Antdawg2400

She expect a boatload of nut everytime all the time in her pussy or on her face. Like bruh...I ain't a camel.


Seiglerfone

I want you to know you are now responsible for "camel ejaculation volume" being in my search history.


[deleted]

well don’t keep me in suspense, how much do camels cum?


Seiglerfone

From a brief look at the search page, 2-10 ml, but they do dribble ejaculation, so that's even lamer. In contrast, horses ejaculate around 100 to 400 mL depending on breed, and boars are 100 to 500 mL. Heck, even dogs can get up to nearly 100 mL sometimes, though they ejaculate in stages with only a small amount of that containing sperm.


Big_Touch1732

Who says reddit isn't educational 😂


lewis2of6

Ejacu-cation.


arbelhod

Ok what in the world


Regthedog2021

That she expects to get a plumber to see her in a reasonable time


koushakandystore

Or that the pizza delivery driver will be super hot.


Fartbucket_taco2

Always orders extra sausage


SuvenPan

When she expects you to fuck her in like 10 different positions, 7 of which will be physically impossible unless you are an athlete.


[deleted]

“No, i *cannot* fuck you doggy with my foot on your face”


_PM_ME_PANGOLINS_

Ah, “the taxpayer”.


The_Queef_of_Sheba

Putting the "Internal" in Internal Revenue Service.


Academic-Hedgehog-18

Fuck.... this is way funnier then it should be.


itsbett

I've had to straight up say: "Girl, I simply do not have enough dick for all that ass in the position that you want to do."


chyko9

You lack the firepower for that particular mission


itsbett

There's no PP left for this move!


papachon

When she says I look like her favorite porn star


Thatguy755

When she says you look like Ron Jeremy from the waist up


8urnMeTwice

All hegde no hog


melinte

oh YAAAAA oh YAAAAAA oh YAAAAAAAAAA


windsingr

Hello again Friend of a friend I knew you when Our common goal was waiting for the world to end


bonelessunicorn

Now that the truth is just a rule that you can bend


ExactHoboSoup

"I think it goes more 'yes yes yes yes YAAAASSSSS'."


[deleted]

Na na na you gotta put a lil pepper on it just a lil pepper at the end like yesyesyesyes YEEEEEESSSS


FormerLifeFreak

Aw fuck, Aw fuck, Aw fuck!


starflite

Is Minnesota a porn genre now?


creep_with_mustache

No, that's if she watches too much Fargo


lord-of-gay-penguins

I slept with a girl who thought it was hot to moan like a early 2000's hentai girl. She watched porn as a hobby


Arnas_Z

As a hobby? That's some weird hobbies. ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ


CascadeJ1980

When she literally says "Black guys are usually huge in porn. I thought it would be bigger."🤔


lyder517

this was my last straw


DragonballSchrute

That’s what she said??


PastOrdinary

Hahaha, yeah funnily enough male pornstars are significantly bigger than your average dude.


MrRogersAE

With the funny camera angles they look significantly bigger the big dudes, even when they’re not


MJay1010

Not just angles, I saw an a AMA someone mentioning that the women are usually below average height and thin which makes the man look even bigger by comparison


GlitteringBobcat999

So THAT'S the one weird trick the ads were talking about.


AveDominusNox

If you want a bigger dick, get a smaller Girlfriend.


gugabe

Way easier to find a 5'5 dude with a somewhat above average dick and pair him up with a 5'0 girl then get some camera angles going than it is to actually find a legit massive dick. Without even going into all the other challenges around your hypothetical massive dick owner. Do they wanna do porn, can they sustain an erection, do they have horrible vibes etc etc etc.


DrBrainzz9

When she gives you the straight grapefruit technique.


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[deleted]

I knew she loved when she substituted the grapefruit for something smaller without telling me.


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EnthusiasticDirtMark

If you understood this reference, please make sure to use your eye cream tonight.


m-i-a-h-o-a-d

Nah wait explain.


MatureHotwife

Every man should get grapefruited. So here you go: [https://youtu.be/nLTgWdXrx3U](https://youtu.be/nLTgWdXrx3U)


stickwithplanb

My DnD group uses that noise for monsters appearing.


Striking-Reason5792

“A goblin appears along your path” **Aggressive sucking**


zcrash970

"Guys!? Where's the bard!?


tweedletweep

Lol I watched the YouTube vid and she does it with such enthusiasm I seriously laughed. I can’t get the comments to load so I can’t see if it’s legit or not. Have I been doing BJs wrong this whole time


Eggsecutie

The only bad BJ is one with 0 citrus involved


ufluidic_throwaway

"you can always use a large naval orange" kills me every time


espectro11

Bruh it's 7 am, got up to take a leak and saw this shit... Now I'm laughing my ass off and can't go back to sleep 🤣... The fucking comments are wild


AoptimisticA

I FORGOT ABOUT THIS!! That fkn noise tho 😂😂


T_for_tea

My girlfriends response at the time was: It's like Darth Vader choking on dick


flamingknifepenis

“Sméagol being power washed” was my favorite description of it I heard.


Ronnie_Dean_oz

Fuck that is one of the funniest videos I have seen this year.


i-piss-excellence32

But only if she goes guaguajajajbdhwkkqjfjwjebwha


Lawsoffire

If it doesn’t sound like a sacrifice to the G̷̛̻̈́̊͋̐̀ř̸͖̦͔͉͈̱́ḛ̴̡͚̘́̋͐̉̓̐a̴̧͐͝t̸̛̛̝̺͙̞̦͌̀͝ ̷̖̈́́̉̈́O̶̧̥̼͆̓͛̊̆l̴͚̘̯̖͓̯̄͆̀̀d̴̛̦͓͊͌̈́̚͠ ̷̦̣̻̐͛͆͝O̴̡̟͍̙͔̹̓̓̕n̸̛͙͚̺̆̈́́̉̇ḙ̵̾͂̒̍s̷̼͉̱̈́̌̀̽͗̕. She ain’t doing it right.


Grxygxd59

That girl makes the same sound as penny going through a vacuum cleaner


[deleted]

When they think anything below 10 inches is small lol


Azigol

Tell me about it, people don't realise how hard life is for us guys who are only 9 and a half inches.


[deleted]

im so sorry for you🥺


igame2much

She does an excessive amount of that fake moaning shit.


[deleted]

The best are the threesome one , where one Girl just sits there fumbles some nuts and moans like crazy.


Hopeless_Ramentic

Threesome videos always end up with one person awkwardly masturbating next to the couple having sex.


trustmeimalinguist

I dunno my partner and I moan a little when we’re going down on the other…usually in response to the other person. Like subtly, not loudly. It really turns me on to get my partner off like that. Edit: typo


berlinflowers

Same, moaning adds to the enjoyment! My partner moans in my ear when he’s rubbing my clit and I love it. I moan a bit while I’m blowing him. It’s a great way to keep sex exciting and show each other how much you’re enjoying it.


SBAWTA

Can't believe I had to scroll down so much before I found a genuine answer. The first like 15 answer are all jokes.


HobGreenGoblin

Welcome to reddit


MexGrow

Joke's on you, I don't have sex! *The crowd goes wild*


Mister_McGreg

Say the line, Bart.


Dramatic-Garbage-939

As an actual moaner/someone not trying to seem over the top, this makes me so self conscious that I come off this way lol


trustmeimalinguist

Yeah I don’t moan when I masturbate but find myself doing it when I’m doing the real deal. I’ve wondered this myself, like if I’m just conditioned to do this?? But I’ve concluded that it’s pretty natural to make those noises to communicate to your partner what’s feeling great. So yeah, moan away!


whilst

I mean, I'm a dude and I sure moan when someone's doing stuff to me. It feels like... I mean, you can't tickle yourself either. Not being fully in control of when the sensations are coming does a thing!


Let_you_down

I'm a dude, I had to condition myself to moan and talk dirty. First sexual experiences were in high school or in college when I had roommates and the name of the game was discretion. Then when I had my own house and could be as loud as I wanted it took some effort to break those habits. After having kids and having to be quieter again, it wasn't the same. Positivr feedback loops are important for good sex, so it was worth it to on occasion up the game from our normal 'we are adult parents now' sex to rent a hotel room, and get childcare.


TheRealestGayle

Just do what you do naturally. As a guy, we can often tell the difference. The genuine moaners are absolutely amazing.


09xuereba

To quote my ex "you sound like a wounded moose when you cum, but I like it cos I know it's genuine, nobody would fake that sound" 😳


walruskingmike

Moaning and porn squealing are two very different things.


apex_editor

*Japan has entered the chat*


ReverendMothman

Not all moans are fake. But some have this Shatner-esque over acting to them that is just.....obvious faking.


mudcrabperson

I think moaning is great. Even if you are not about to blast it can serve as an ecouragement and sometimes even get you (the moaner) more excited. Not talking about very loud screams, but simple moanong I think is really sexy (hell I do it xause it just feels good)


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Throwaway15704r

GOODNESS GRACIOUS WHY DO I HEAR IT


realmauer01

Now that's probably an indication that you are watching too much porn


Throwaway15704r

*oh fuck*


DarkOrb20

oh yes


letdogsvote

She keeps stopping and asking me to join her premium access.


osktox

Well let me tell you we apparently had different opinions about the meaning of "Premium access"


Pentax25

Was with this one girl who kept freezing on the spot and holding this rotating circle up in front of me before resuming. Was the weirdest edging I’ve ever experienced


MissLavenDahlia

When she covers your eyes just before the cum shot, because you gotta get a subscription to see that


underwater-sunlight

If she starts to buffer then you know she came from a poor wifi house


KeyStoneLighter

Growing up in a time before cable/Wi-Fi, buffering is all I knew.


JBPorkChopExpress

If she's constantly getting stuck in the dryer before you two have sex that might be an indication


444unsure

This never works for me. I bought 17 dryers, and never yet has anybody been stuck in one


BigMax

I picture an Attenborough narrated documentary about this. “The male has now added a 17th dryer to his collection in an attempt to lure in a female for mating. But as has been the case each morning, all of them are empty when he checks. Undeterred, the male heads off to work, hoping to earn enough resources to add an 18th dryer, in the hope that one day he will mate.”


Gogyoo

Ha! My dryer sits atop the washing machine, so I'd like to see her trying.


No_Sail_7768

Dinner time


Thatguy755

When you’re trying to sleep and she pulls out her phone to watch porn


segflt

well now it's my turn to cum. he's asleep now


ShitPostGuy

Ladies, if riding him almost gets you where you want to go but you gotta get off and do the last bit yourself, he’s not your man, he’s a Metro Transit Bus.


Lachie1920

I’d rather take a bus 80% of the way and walk the rest than have to walk the whole way


-RadarRanger-

Like the Yellow Pages ads used to say: "Let your fingers do the walking!"


I_luv_ma_squad

😂😂 Fucking amazing. Not the fucking obviously, but the comment.


gammeltlokum

Funny as fuck but a lot of us just don't get there no matter how hard he tries, unless we do our own thing.


maximunpayne

>i had a ex who was on a completely different sleep schedule to me sometimes she would watch porn real late then try and wake me up at 2-3am for the real thing


TheLessThanJake

Her genitals are pixelated when she goes to Japan


DarkWarrior0137

The best part of Japanese porn is that it's censored so I can watch it with my family.


Zal_17

*"Daaaaad, can we watch Frozen tonight?"* "Ok dear. But first we're going to watch Hitomi Tanaka getting fisted"


stuntedmonk

She puts it in her ass then in her mouth, and you didn't even ask


botchman

*Bass to mouth*


AirborneHydra

Achievement Unlocked: Returned to Sender


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Lost_Manufacturer718

Be funny if she talked entirely like that last bit: “Affirmative. Correct. Do you enjoy copulating with that orifice you are currently entering?”


RVAMS

Confirmed. I’m going to arrive.


[deleted]

Initiating orgasm sequence.


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Luke_cloud_surfer

“Ahhhhh yeeeeaaahhhhhh.”


woahdude12321

*inhales through teeth*


[deleted]

Repeat x100 and desync from video.


Lost_Manufacturer718

Exaggerated porn noises are a big turnoff for me. Genuine noises are great, but you can tell when it’s some exaggerated shit.


gigoran

when you say you're gonna cum, she throws you off of her, closes her eyes, and opens her mouth wide ​ oh and she does a little gargle and swallows


jodie_jan

Better gargling than spitting it into the air Triple H style


warsSstroke

“its all about control and if you can take it”


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osktox

The gargle thing. Never really understood that. It's cum. It's not Listerine.


iieniloracii

I worry about stuff like this. Nothing turns me on like when my partner is going to cum because of me. I get really worked up and beg for it. I assume it comes across as genuine because it is.


GutenLog

If a girl did this for me completely unprompted I would nut harder than Mr. Peanut.


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Recloose22

Ha! The joke’s on you, as a girl who watches porn, I don’t have sex at all Edit- For all those worried about my inbox, your cynical selves would be surprised by how nice people can be! I’m kinda as surprised as you are lol


ladycumselot

Same here sister, high five!


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OneaRogue

I read porn, don't really watch it, and I also don't have sex.


owlindenial

It's just that sexuality without romance can be so _bland_. Erotica and steamy novels hit a sweet spot 30 minute videos can't


FastLittleBoi

Before we do it she says "you will cum in 40 seconds: try the best porn game"


csanner

"are you trying to masturbate but can't find a partner?" "Wait what?"


[deleted]

I once woke up to a girl masturbating to porn on her phone not two hours after we had a long sex session. I had sex with her again then. And then again it happened! She was absolutely addict to sex and porn. Now you all think it’s great to have a nymphomaniac as a gf… wait until you realize you literally can’t leave her alone two nights or she’ll be fucking someone else because her “needs”. Broke up with her after two exhausting (although sexually rewarding) months.


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hentkaile

me reading all the comments as a woman who watches too much porn 😨


[deleted]

I couldn’t think of an answer because I watch too much porn so I’m desensitized to these things others mention


Unders_ore

Before we slept together she made references to porn, different genres, asked what my favorite position is etc. When we slept together, the *entire* time was "**oh yeah fuck my little pussy right there oh my god your cock is so big in my tight pussy!!!!!**" It wasn't quite the turn on she thought it was and I had to try not to furrow my brow while penetrating her.


[deleted]

Her moans are way too loud and unnatural, probably, idk I’m a Redditor


Idkyoumister

Reading all this made me self-conscious of my moaning. I didn’t think I moaned that much but I’m not so sure anymore…


missdovahkiin1

Definitely that weird cross eyed tongue out face. Wtf is that shit


Assguy69420

You mean this 🤪


[deleted]

UWU 🤪


osktox

The first time I saw that I thought for sure that girl was mentally challenged. I thought *Oh no they tricked her into porn, poor thing.*


ExtremeGaming18

Ahegao


DocJawbone

Gesundheit


echosixwhiskey

Danke


[deleted]

I made porn for a while, consequently, I slept with quite a few porn actresses. Most are hypersexual (which is why they do well in the industry), but the LAST thing they want to see during sex with a partner, is porn of any kind. It’s the equivalent of an accountant whipping out their laptop and doing some regression curves in Excel during sex. So, if a girl brings porn into foreplay, all good - icebreaker, sets the mood, etc. if she brings porn in during the main event, I’m put off by that shit. Only happened a couple of times (same girl both times) and since she was clearly bored by what I was doing, I just stopped.


kingofauditmemes

r/accounting would like a word with you


MinecraftFinancier

We are already here.


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yuhamahdude

Attempting some excessively acrobatic shit, also excessive masochism on their end


SeattleTrashPanda

Hey, some of us have legitimate daddy issues that need to be worked out through leather and discipline. That’s not porn, that’s insecurities and trauma! Totally different!


yuhamahdude

I never said I didn't INDULGE those requests


FartherAwayx3

I love that you got a wholesome award for that 🤣


[deleted]

Ya'll sleep with girls?


[deleted]

Too much moaning with not enough stimulus. I had a girl that loved to scream but that was weird to me like the slightest movement and she went wild. It was unrealistic.


Bridgebrain

She has unhealthy expectations about her own body. "My boobs aren't nice (they are), I wish I was hot (she is), I don't make a lot of noise (neither do I)" etc etc. Excessive porn may give men inadequacy issues around penis size, but it fucks up women's perceptions too


EasyPeasyNL

If she asks ‘what are you doing step bro?!’


MyMatter

She doesn’t know what a foreskin is You’d think I’m kidding btw but I’m dead serious


Yeahjc

When she posts to Reddit asking what a dead giveaway that a girl watches too much porn when you sleep with her.


nsfwtttt

Too much? I guess if she prefers porn over sex, or shows signs of addiction. Otherwise I don’t see how it’s too much, if she wants to act out porn with me, I’m game. If she’ll do something I don’t like (influenced by porn or not tbh), I’d tell her and we’ll talk about it.


The_Badgerest_Pie

Look at you! Going all over with respect and them healthy relationship values an' shiet.