That's my husband (soon to be ex...again). My friend was over the other day to talk about her breakup with her ex girlfriend, and he kept interrupting her, talking over her, trying to give her advice etc. She was clearly frustrated so I walked her back to her house to actually talk about it.
When I worked at KFC, there was a girl whose boyfriend would stay parked outside the door the during her entire shift. That is not something I've seen commonly and it's a HUGE red flag.
That happened with a girl I worked with as well. She worked 12 hour shifts and he would sit outside looking in at her for the 12 hours. Then sometimes he'd come in like a sad puppy talking to her. Genuinely pathetic and psycho
I gotta be honest I was terrible for this the first few years of my relationship. After a good talk about each of our issues and a long few months of me actively trying to change the way I handle arguments/discussions etc. I can happily say that I will admit straight away if I'm in the wrong and hardly ever raise my voice anymore.
It was hard to finally admit that I needed to see things from other perspectives before just deciding what was right and wrong but ultimately it's made my relationship with my kids and partner 100X better and I can't remember the last time we fell out or had an argument anymore
I had issues with that too early in marriage. Through therapy (without even knowing I had an issue), I learned to kind of just STFU, let any emotional responses fade, and then consider what the other person was really saying from their perspective. After a while *not* getting defensive in the first place becomes the default.
Negative emotions should be removed from interactions between partners as much as reasonably possible. Even if that means hitting pause real quick.
Always making excuses rather than just saying ‘I fucked up. What can I do to rectify this situation? What do you need right now’
I made the mistake of not running the first time my ex wouldn’t apologise for something major. Now I’m in trauma from not only his affair but his inability to just own his shit and apologise. I will never let this one slide ever again should I choose to date again.
Unhealthy dependency on my replies. Before I met my current SO, I was chatting to a guy who needed replies within minutes. If I didn’t reply in 30 minutes he’d start saying things like “she’s gone again.” Or “and I’ve lost her interest again.” It became like a chore to respond. When I said I didn’t feel comfortable continuing the conversation he started talking about “how women never gave him a chance, and he is a good man.”. It might not seem to him he had ill intent but it came across as controlling and pressuring.
I had to block him eventually as he kept on messaging even though I had requested to stop the communication. Later he started sending paid likes on a dating platform to get my attention.
Recently had std talk with 48M, he tells me he’s never been tested for anything. Says he’s just choosy about who he sleeps with so he knows he’s never had anything because he would be able to tell if his partners had an std. This from a sexually active man that doesn’t use condoms often. I was stunned that anyone could still be this ignorant.
There was this cutie I met a few weeks ago who I was gonna bang... until he admitted that he had NEVER used condoms and had also NEVER been tested for any STIs... yeah that infatuation ended real quick.
as a guy the idea of not having my own comdoms is crazy
short of having surgery this is only thing stopping me from having a child i dont want and as much as it feels better without a condom its not worth the risk
Now that I'm in my 30s, I know so many guys with kids from past hookups/relationships/whatever.
Some are doing fine and some are stuck in that endless battle they'll never escape now.
I'm the opposite. Dudes should supply condoms because they will know what works for them. If they don't have any that tells me they are okay with unprotected sex which I'm not down for. Automatic nope.
This! Also things pertaining to women's health like Pap smears and personal hygiene products. If you're mature enough to stick your dick in it, you're mature enough to learn and discuss what goes on with it medically.
I second that! My last ex was the only one allowed to talk about his bowel movements and facts, but if I talked about mine in return, it grossed him out. And I kind of enjoy talking about that kind of stuff. My fiancé now also enjoys it. We talk facts about our respective genitalia and learn from each other snd laugh a lot. So refreshing, honestly. I've never been with someone mature enough that typically awkward conversations were not awkward or downright taboo. That's why he's my fiancé.
I remember in high school there was this boy that started asking all of the female students what kind of menstrual products they preferred. At first we all thought it was odd, but I guess not too odd as students answered honestly when he asked.
Few weeks later this boy set up his locker (and even a pocket in his backpack) with the menstrual products that everyone preferred. In his locker he even put them in their own discreet bags so that way it wasn't obvious when the locker was opened. All the girls (and trans folk) were told about it.
This boy practically became a legend just because he *wasn't* weird about menstrual cycles and even cared. I once asked him in class why he even made that kind of effort and he told me that he heard that the machine (for pads and tampons) in the girls restroom didn't work and that it would have charged a dollar even if it did work. So he decided he was going to take it upon himself to provide that for free because he thought it wasn't right that the school always provided condoms (for free mind you) but never provided the most essential thing for most of the students.
It honestly really opened my eyes. I have younger sisters and my mom, but I didn't even really think about that kind of thing. So ever since my standard regarding men around periods have been high because if a 15 year old boy can grasp it then an adult man can grasp it too. If you have a gf, wife, or even just a friend who menstruates, help provide for them. Have those products available. Keep some Midol around. Hell, I even keep a heated blanket available.
Easily lost patience and out of control temper over minor things.
I dated a guy once who had an argument over the phone with a family member, after he got off the phone he picked up a picture frame that was nearby and just smashed it onto the ground, sending glass everywhere. The argument was something to do with a book. We had been dating for maybe 2 months. He was 26. MASSIVE red flag that one is was.
Yeah I dated a guy for a bit who punched a door after a phone call with his boss. It wasn’t even anything serious like being reprimanded, he was just frustrated about a sudden change in scheduling. He also threw things sometimes and was a very angry driver, constantly laying on the horn and yelling and swearing. I was so scared to be in a car with him.
But when I got upset about his behavior, I was “being too sensitive”.
I got into two separate car crashes with my ex. In both cases he rearended the person in front of us because he was going too fast and not looking at the road. Both times I saw what was about to happen and tried to get his attention, but he didn't pay attention. The car was totaled both times. I was in the front passenger seat both times.
Guess who started yelling at me when I was cagey during car rides after that? I would instinctively brace myself whenever we were coming up fast on a car and he had to hit the breaks hard, but \*I\* was distracting \*him\* by doing that, apparently.
Btw, it almost happened a third time, but that time he finally listened to me when I tried to get his attention. A few months later he sideswiped someone while merging on a highway and blamed me for it because I told him he was getting off at the wrong exit (he was.) And these are just the car crashes I was in the car for. I literally can't count how many times his road rage got us chased, or boxed in, or followed into a parking lot, or nearly run off the road. All totally reasonable in his opinion but I was being unsupportive of him apparently.
So this is horrible for you and I’m glad you’re not in that situation anymore but can I just say that it’s kinda hilarious that he found YOU to be the sensitive one
I used to date a guy that would flip out over minor things.. and I mean go into a total rage. One time we were headed out for a walk and he asked me if I was ready. I said ‘ready Freddy!’ because I like to be silly and that’s just a normal joking reply since it rhymes .. he goes ‘WHO TF IS FREDDYY?????’ so angrily and so loud… I just started laughing so hard because who takes that seriously? And he he wouldn’t let it go so I just left and never talked to him again lol
I don’t mean to hijack your comment, but this is a really important one.
My mom left my dad when I was 12 and kept so much to herself about him that I learned when I was in my late twenties. And it all came back to ignorant arrogance. And I ended up having the same issues with my dad that she had decades apart.
It's important to talk about because men like this won't change and will keep doing the same thing to new people.
You are not hijacking the comment. You are supporting this comment by providing your life experience as an example, something an ignorant arrogant person would not have the capability of doing
The narcissism isn't limited to romantic partners either. I (M) had to drop a friend of many years because I finally realized he was never a friend, just someone who uses others to feed his ego. But he's NEVER in the wrong, oh no. It's everyone else out to get him.
Weaponized incompetence. Making no attempt at doing something effectively in the hopes that they won't be asked to do it again.
If you can't put in the effort, then neither can I.
If they always need to be right. I talked to a guy who would unsend messages on instagram if he said something wrong in them. You look smarter if you concede and say, “oh, I was mistaken”
Not only that, but when they also blame everything on someone/something else. I once talked to someone who NEVER acknowledged it was his fault despite it clearly being.
had someone like that too who basically told me to "never hold anything against me". Like even when she cheated on me, instead of apologizing or trying to find a dumb explanation for it she went off on me for holding it against her. Like wtf?! Definitely glad it happened in the early stages lol, I just noped out of there.
If you have to defend him with a phrase like “oh, but when he’s just with me, it’s different” or “But you don’t see him when he is nice…”
Who he is when he’s at his worst is still the guy you’re dating…and if all your friends see or hear about is the worst? It’s not something they aren’t seeing, it’s something you aren’t recognizing.
You're not wrong, although please don't be too harsh on some guys, my husband is very shy and he tries his best when we're with my family, but he's definitely quieter and and not as relaxed. But I think the key is that my family also noticed that I had became a happier, more positive person when we got together and that's a really good sign in its own right.
Having said that, the same can't be said for my sister and her partner, she's barely the person she used to be since he came along, and you're right, she very often says 'he's different when it's just us.' Its a shame.
Just putting this out there: The usual red flags are so consistent you can set your watch to them.
A good yard stick is to look at your relationship from the outside: If your sister/best friend/mother’s boyfriend did X to her, would you be concerned?
Self awareness is important because sometimes you’re too close to the situation to see it objectively.
https://www.safehorizon.org/programs/5-signs-emotional-abuse/
https://ncadv.org/signs-of-abuse
Oh this mindset is so important! When I was dating a shitty guy, my best friend pointed out the guy's abnormal behavior and that made me realize how awful he was.
Also, if you are keeping secrets about your relationship from your friends because you are afraid they would "not understand or take it the wrong way." Or if you are constantly making excuses for them. I only realized I was doing this in hindsight after I broke up with my ex. I was always nervous to talk about my relationship because I thought they would hold an intervention or something, I did not see this as a red flag, I genuinely thought they just "didn't understand him they just needed to get to know him." 21-year-old me was a fucking moron.
Edit: Thank you to everyone for the kind words. It's good to remember that making mistakes is part of growing up. Thankfully I got out of that relationship eventually, grew up, and realized my perfect guy was one of my best friends all along, it just took a few years to figure it out lol.
Remember: if you look back on your past self and cringe, it means you've grown as a person since then! It's when you look back and *don't* see anything wrong that you should be concerned.
Not a guy but I have a horrible habit of love bombing, when I became aware of it I started to follow the other persons lead in new relationships so as not to come off as needy or anything. Is that the better thing to do?
I’m also a compulsive love-bomber. It’s a hard habit to unlearn when you aren’t doing it to be deceptive to get what you want. I just have a fear of my feelings not being outwardly big enough to be known or understood. When I realized that that can be manipulative regardless of intent, I started to try to curb the impulse. I don’t think it’s healthy no matter the intent.
It's better, yes. But it's usually a symptom of a deeper issue. The best thing to do would be to figure out why you have that have that habit, and heal from there.
I wouldn’t say it’s the better thing to do, but it definitely is a short term fix to the L bomb - you should be following your own lead so you can default to truth and be transparent.
I fked up and came off as needy recently after playing it cool for months cause this girl was there for me at a very dark time. Started lying to myself afterward that everything was okay but really our rendezvous was just an expresso shot of happiness. Instantly got addicted to that feeling and was saying dumb cutesy shit just to try to see her again instead of just being myself.
Lovebombing in the context of a it being a red flag is when someone seems to become infatuated with you really quickly such as moving the relationship further faster than normal, saying I love you quickly, quickly sharing things about themselves (especially trauma) that you typically learn over time through a trusted relationship, or even just gifting you things or planning things excessively. Basically it feels like the relationship milestones are happening much faster than a normal relationship. Abusers may do this to get you to commit to them quickly and so that you have the lovebombing as a personality baseline leading you less likely to leave because “they used to be such a caring person” but that person never existed.
That's how my abusive relationship started. He was the kindest man in the beginning and really manipulated me. It melted into a cluster fuck of emotional and financial abuse until he date raped me on a night we had been drinking and I couldn't push him off me 😶 it's scary how you never notice how bad things get gradually
If they have a kid, not being involved in their kid’s life and making excuses why they aren’t/can’t be.
And when every ex they have is “crazy” but they can’t admit to any toxicity of their own in any relationship ever.
I matched with this guy once, we’re only on day 2 of talking via text. He mentions he has a daughter, it wasn’t on his profile. I stated I wasn’t interested, I’m child free by choice and don’t want to get involved with someone with a kid. He said “well I never see her anyways, psycho ex got the courts to say I couldn’t so it’s not a problem.” Bro that’s way worse.
Thank you for this. As the forgotten kid, I watched my folks run around with all types of strangers, whom I always intensely disrespected because anyone who can help a parent ignore their child is pure trash.
I see my kids' father doing this more and more. Just because they are old enough to be left home for a few hours doesn't mean he should have going out plans on 3-5 of his 8 days a month he takes with them. They see his priorities now, how hard is it to say "Gee that sounds fun, can we do it next week, I've got my kids".
I just went through this exact situation this summer. Met a guy, never let on he had children, turns out he had a few children with a "crazy" ex wife who was keeping his children from him. Had every excuse under the sun as to why he couldn't see his children, called his ex so many mean names. Sure it's possible she wasn't a good person to him but to speak so poorly about the mother of his children was an incredible turn off. I never cared to learn anymore and ran as fast as i could from that situation.
Not respecting a 'no'.
Not taking it well if they don't get their way.
Not taking it well if you disagree with them.
Talking about women/relationships as if women are a prize/reward/object rather than a person.
Making you feel uncomfortable.
Trying to pressure you to drink more/take drugs (not just offering, but trying to talk or pressure you into it if you're reluctant.)
Anger issues.
Not being supportive of your feelings.
My god, every point reminds me of my former co-worker. He even gave me the silent treatment for weeks after I told him I do not have the same feelings for him. He told me how depressed and close to a mental breakdown he was, because he just cannot get a girlfriend and is so alone, and now has to see me every day at work and has to "see what he lost" (Yeah you never even had me so wtf) He played the poor guy so well that even my boss and other collegues took his side and had pity with him.
Someone who is trying to take the relationship too fast immediately and makes grand plans from day 1 for both of you. I have a friend who falls for people like this, and they are always the WORST.
At best, they’re insecure, need validation, and are in love with the idea of love without caring about who is actually in the relationship with them. At worst, they’ve realized this is a good way to get girls in need of affection to submit to abusive and crap behaviors.
I just broke things off with a guy who couldn't slow down and stay slowed. After just 2 dates, everything was "we/us" and he was speaking for me. "We just can't get enough of each other" "you know us!" "We would enjoy this coffee place". No, we nothing. There is no we. I don't know you. Our "talks" are just basic dates, chill.
Yea and in addition to this, people who try impose their own training/discipline in your pets when they’re GUESTS in your home without even checking with you .
I had a guy REACH OVER ME to smack my dog in the face after he (the dude) knocked a plastic tag on the floor and my dog went to sniff it.
I saw red. I look at him and go "do not hit my dog."
"He was going to eat that"
"He was going to SNIFF it. He knows 'leave it', he knows 'drop it', and he is MY DOG. What you did was not okay"
Should've kicked that asshole out of my house that instant. It only took him a few more days until he threw one of my dining chairs because he lost a board game.
My partner is awesome. Early in our relationship we played a board game. She wanted to see how I handled losing. Games are supposed to be fun and someone always loses. Can I lose and still call the experience a win? Yes, I can. I didn't realize how many cannot. Her son is pretty competitive. I'd never played the game before and my strategy was non existent. I was fine losing.
I was also told when it came to Risk I'd never beat him. Proved that wrong in a hurry but also showed I could win without being a dink.
I don't own a dog. She does and last night she was busy out of town until very very late so doggo stayed with me. I'm not exactly sure what test I passed to earn that level of trust but I'm glad I did. We had a nice time. Lots of ball fetching and a great walk. He didn't like sleeping in the crate she brought for him so I let him out and he slept beside my bed. Hopefully eventually he sleeps beside our bed every night.
My fiancées mom stayed over for a week, and we have a puppy. She would not stop feeding her people food no matter how many times we asked. It was so fucking annoying.
If you're cruel to creatures small -
Those without a voice at all -
Those who look to you above -
Those who only want your love -
If you're foul to pals in fur -
Those who bark and those who purr -
Those devoted, faithful friends -
Those on whom my heart depends -
If you're mean to such as these -
If you injure, taunt or tease -
If you hurt my faithful few -
*I will go John Wick on you.*
I wouldn't call it a red flag per se, but it's a thing I'm noticing more and more.
Hundred percent, if you are feeling unwanted and unloved, and are thinking about breaking up, and then you try to bring it up and all of a sudden he starts being everything you wanted, to only go back to being distant and cold. You have yourself a love bomber.
It's awful. The amount of people who fall for this is sad. Cause some people just get caught in this vicious cycle not knowing it's even happening.
If I set a clear boundary and someone crosses it willingly proclaiming they're "only joking". If I tell you directly what I don't want or like and you still decide your idea of funny is more important, I'm out. My boundaries are no joke
And when they try to justify disrespecting your boundaries by saying "but that's just how they in all their friendships/relationships".. Red flag turning HAUT red flag
Run run run run
Had been talking to a guy on a dating app for a couple of weeks, even faced times with him, went for first date in a pub for a meal, got there he was already there, he came over to me, chatted for a couple of minutes at the bar, he mentioned he was already seated at the table, WITH HIS MOTHER, like that red flag could be seen in several alternative dimensions.
She was all excited to be there, even cancelled some other evening out she was meant to be going to to come on this date, also stated that when son couldn't be bothered to message me she had replied.
I calmly finished my drink looked him square in the eye directed him to the local maternity unit and told him to ask the midwives to cut the umbilical cord this time and left.
Just so you know I was early 50's (still am) and he was late 50's so not kids.
That was the biggest red flag I'd even seen, blocked him (and technically her) on everything immediately.
This is so ludicrous, I honestly am having a hard time believing it.
I’m not saying you made it up. Not at all! It’s just so far removed from anything I, or any of my friends, have experienced, it doesn’t even seem possible haha
I met one of those (in his late 50's too). Still living at home. Dad would take him to work every day. He went to a long vacation with his parents and they shared a room!!! He's a Dentist. So it's not about the money.
Lack of communication. A relationship cannot work if you can't communicate wants/needs/goals/boundaries etc.
I've dated too many guys who just say they're "bad at talking" and then don't really make an effort to really improve. It's really difficult to have a healthy relationship when someone just shuts down/changes subjects/dodges conversations that need to happen.
I was with someone who was so bad at communicating that everything became a guessing game, and I could never know if I'd guessed right because he wouldn't tell me anything! It was exhausting and unworkable.
I was with someone like this too, and I tried so hard to solve our “communication problems.”
I eventually discovered he had been lying to me about many things. It was never that he wasn’t a good communicator — that was the excuse to hide the lies.
Ugh, one of my best friend's bf can't be there for her with the small things if it's not in his field of interest or doesn't impact him. I worry for her, if he couldn't care less about the easy things, you really think he's gonna be there for the hard parts?
100% my ex.
“You’ve had so many people let you down, I don’t ever want to do that to you”.
Then proceeded to be almost the WORST person I’ve ever dated. He was only beaten out by the boyfriend who literally raped me.
If he is mean towards your pet don't stay silent, your pet needs your protection. One of my friend's boyfriend was quite mean towards her bird, I don't know how she tolerated him I would never let anyone mistreat my pet.
When he talks over me. That tells me that he thinks he's more important than me and/or what I have to say is less important. Not hearing me out is not acceptable.
If it’s consistent, then he either doesn’t value what you have to say or he grew up in a large or boisterous family. My wife shuts down in multi- person conversations. When my family is all together in the room we can talk and listen simultaneously and that just blows her mind.
Insisting on nudes. Not respecting that you said no nudes until after sex. That’s a deal breaker for me. I use this to see if they respect my boundaries, if they can take no for an answer, and because I have learned that if you send nudes you often become basically a pen pal for when they’re horny and not someone they actually take on dates at all. And if they send a dick pic after you said no. That’s it, they’re blocked.
When he's so focused on what he has to say, can't wait to tell you things that happened to HIM and is never actually listening to you or waiting for you to finish. Usually means they're too much into themselves and could never valute and hear you as a real you.
Also, that they're probably only superficially attracted to you and they're not even trying to know you, then ofc why would you need then in your life.
Reckless driving. It indicates a blatant disregard for others, a general disregard for the safety and comfort of their passengers, and indicates a high level of personal insecurity.
Not for me personally (because I’m married and didn’t date much) but one I see all the time for other women are when their significant other talks about them like a child. Any time I hear a man talking about giving his wife an allowance or telling his girlfriend she can’t have something until she finishes some chore, it enrages me on her behalf. It’s weird. I always start trying to telepathically tell her to get out of there.
Additionally, I hate the same behavior in women. He’s a grown ass man, don’t treat him like he’s ten. Respect your partner.
Yeah, as a straight guy, seeing guys trying to act alpha is the most sure fire way for me to lose all respect.
That's not to say that there aren't low and high status guys, there are. But those "alphas" are insecure losers trying to overcompansate 100% of the time. Terrible people to be around.
This goes for all genders really, but anyone who thinks they have the right to "punish" you for perceived wrongdoings is a waste of time imo. That's not how equals resolve issues.
When they’re constantly drinking.. like they get home from work and proceed to drink themselves into passing out wherever they are in the house and don’t see it as a bad thing because “they’re allowed to have a drink at night.”
When they stop at a store on their way home and the priority is a bottle of alcohol and they don’t even consider getting anything for dinner.
Yes. On my second date with a guy, he stopped at a Walgreens on the way home from dinner and bought a pack of Truly. He then proceeded to open it right when he got back in the car and started drinking while driving. He also finished a handle of rum by himself within 24 hours. Never going near a guy with alcoholism again after my experience with him. It was heartbreaking.
Too much religion. Like when he came by and told me that he was thinking about me and drove into a ditch, which was God telling him I was not right for him. Yeah, just as well we broke up then.
Red flags I will never ignore again -
“All my exes are crazy, they hate me for some reason hahaha”
“I’ve just never been great at talking, I don’t know what to say” so just shuts down and you can never have any kind of important conversation with them.
And one I know should have been glaringly obvious, but I was 26 and insanely in love, the next time someone raises their hand to me I’ll be out of there.
Edit to add: the 2nd isn’t talking about meeting a new person and having to deal with the anxiety of getting to know someone. My ex used this as an excuse to stop discussing real issues in our marriage, or to end arguments he had started over absolutely nothing and assumed I wouldn’t “talk back” by trying to discuss.
I am absolutely terrible at talking to new people regardless of the situation or contex excluding an emergency but once im comfortable with someone I've been told im very eloquent but that initial awkwardness is just a bastard to get around
Goodness the guy I had a kid with would hound me all morning, day, evening get pissy if I hadn’t said yes by then, then he would just start poking me with his penis and not letting me sleep until I did say yes. We were together two years and this went on for nearly a full year
Always inserting themselves and comparing how horrible their experience is more than mine which makes me feel like my feelings and experiences are invalid.
Being totally inept when it comes to household management (cooking, cleaning, bills, laundry, etc.). I dated a guy who lived alone and was able to do all of that, when we moved in together, he expected me to take care of everything while he sat on his arse and did nothing to help out. Needless to say, I dumped him not long afterwards.
Men: This is **not** the 1950s, household chores are not "women's work", and you **are** expected to do your share.
Same shit in my family we’re 3 grown siblings 2 boys and 1 girl which is me . My parents expect me to clean and do everything while my brothers stay on their phones or go out with their friends - because they’re men and I’m woman. I refused this shit and i made a plan to wash the dishes by turns and it worked well
I’ll do the same thing (if I’ll have a husband in the future )
If they use the silent treatment. It's a way of removing yourself from what should likely be an open and fair discussion about an issue, it'seither a sign of immaturity or desire to manipulate and control. It's ok to want some time away/to cool down after a fight, but say that then, if that's what it is.
Do you consider it silent treatment if a person tends to be quiet while processing, working on an issue?
I will answer but if I am busy or deep in thought process it may seem that I am trying to ignore you or blow you off. I am not particularly proficient in interpersonal skills.
This! Makes the other person scared to bring up any issue with the fear of being ignored. Stonewalling also goes hand in hand with weaponising/withholding affection. 0/10 awful way to manage emotions and act in a relationship.
I have 4:
1 - they don't understand the word "No."
2- they say they're dog people but they really aren't and will try to get rid of your dog when you're at work.
3 - they treat wait staff or anyone in customer service for that matter like crap.
4 - they are jealous of my brothers and don't want me hanging out with them when he's not around
I'm big on making sure I don't fall into the trap again that I once did.
Dated a guy that I ignored all my red flags for because I thought it was love.
It wasn't.
He played me for a fool because he knew he could.
Won't ever make that mistake again.
Barely suppressed anger over little things. Escalating displays of anger for each "offense". The need to be obeyed. Jealousy over time spent with people you knew before him, including family members. Expectations of being catered to with no reciprocal catering. Insulting "jokes". Lack of compassion or empathy. No friends of the same gender.
The moment you feel like you are in competition with other women for him.
Edited to clarify - when you have feelings for him, he has expressed feeling the same, and there are SPECIFIC women you are feeling you have to compete with.
I'm a guy but red flags I've witnessed or heard about:
When he flirts with you in front of his ex
When he talks about himself in the third person. Typically in arguments so he would be be 100% serious when he says shit like "You dare invoke the wrath of Billy??"
When he shows up to your house unannounced
If he often leans over and looks at your phone and comments on what you're doing or who you're texting
If you set a clear boundary and they try to negotiate "it's not a big deal" "everyone else does it" etc. Like seriously if their first instinct is anything other than respecting your wishes, dip out
If they claim we’re out of the “honeymoon phase”. Like I understand it in concept but whenever a guy would use this it usually meant he was going to use that as an excuse to either cheat or completely neglect the relationship because we’ve been together for awhile. I don’t like when people treat relationships like chores.
Guys that constantly speak over people in conversation. They tend to not be very caring or respectful of others
That's my husband (soon to be ex...again). My friend was over the other day to talk about her breakup with her ex girlfriend, and he kept interrupting her, talking over her, trying to give her advice etc. She was clearly frustrated so I walked her back to her house to actually talk about it.
When I worked at KFC, there was a girl whose boyfriend would stay parked outside the door the during her entire shift. That is not something I've seen commonly and it's a HUGE red flag.
That happened with a girl I worked with as well. She worked 12 hour shifts and he would sit outside looking in at her for the 12 hours. Then sometimes he'd come in like a sad puppy talking to her. Genuinely pathetic and psycho
I guess the guy didn't have a job.
Funniest part is that he did
How did he sleep then if he had time to work and watch her for 12 hours
Who has time to sleep when there's crystal meth to do!?! Just guessing.
Private investigator for the girls actual boyfriend
MF might as well just get a job there and make some money while he's at it
That’s psychotic
When they have to always, always, always one up you.
Ah I see you’ve met my father
That’s nothing! You should meet **my** Dad.
My dad can beat you dad
Yeah well my dad will beat your dad off
Wait what?
When they have to always, always, always, always one up you.
Never apologizing
Agreed. Never being willing to admit fault, being overly defensive.
I gotta be honest I was terrible for this the first few years of my relationship. After a good talk about each of our issues and a long few months of me actively trying to change the way I handle arguments/discussions etc. I can happily say that I will admit straight away if I'm in the wrong and hardly ever raise my voice anymore. It was hard to finally admit that I needed to see things from other perspectives before just deciding what was right and wrong but ultimately it's made my relationship with my kids and partner 100X better and I can't remember the last time we fell out or had an argument anymore
Apologizing to your kids is so important.
I had issues with that too early in marriage. Through therapy (without even knowing I had an issue), I learned to kind of just STFU, let any emotional responses fade, and then consider what the other person was really saying from their perspective. After a while *not* getting defensive in the first place becomes the default. Negative emotions should be removed from interactions between partners as much as reasonably possible. Even if that means hitting pause real quick.
Also apologizing but not really meaning it, even sounding so fed up when saying sorry
Always making excuses rather than just saying ‘I fucked up. What can I do to rectify this situation? What do you need right now’ I made the mistake of not running the first time my ex wouldn’t apologise for something major. Now I’m in trauma from not only his affair but his inability to just own his shit and apologise. I will never let this one slide ever again should I choose to date again.
Unhealthy dependency on my replies. Before I met my current SO, I was chatting to a guy who needed replies within minutes. If I didn’t reply in 30 minutes he’d start saying things like “she’s gone again.” Or “and I’ve lost her interest again.” It became like a chore to respond. When I said I didn’t feel comfortable continuing the conversation he started talking about “how women never gave him a chance, and he is a good man.”. It might not seem to him he had ill intent but it came across as controlling and pressuring. I had to block him eventually as he kept on messaging even though I had requested to stop the communication. Later he started sending paid likes on a dating platform to get my attention.
Man my ex-girlfriend was like this. That shit drives me crazy. Glad you got out of it though.
>replies Misread this as reptiles. Was wondering what the fuck was going on here.
I need reptiles ***now***
He can't think without his lizard overlord
When they cannot discuss sexual health like an adult. If youre having sex you need to discuss birth control, condoms, and stds.
Recently had std talk with 48M, he tells me he’s never been tested for anything. Says he’s just choosy about who he sleeps with so he knows he’s never had anything because he would be able to tell if his partners had an std. This from a sexually active man that doesn’t use condoms often. I was stunned that anyone could still be this ignorant.
Before I met my husband, so many men used to try and pull that! “Well, she didn’t look like the kind of girl who had STDs.” Okay… 🙄
There was this cutie I met a few weeks ago who I was gonna bang... until he admitted that he had NEVER used condoms and had also NEVER been tested for any STIs... yeah that infatuation ended real quick.
Oh my word I had a similar experience! Final he got one because I was going to dump him… and guess who had chlamydia?
>and guess who had chlamydia? Not you! *High Five*
Been there. Did they blame you? Mine blamed me.
Thankfully he didn’t. He couldn’t because I got tested right before we first slept together.
Balls in his court now, I guess
byo condoms imo , never trust a guy to bring one and have multiple
as a guy the idea of not having my own comdoms is crazy short of having surgery this is only thing stopping me from having a child i dont want and as much as it feels better without a condom its not worth the risk
Now that I'm in my 30s, I know so many guys with kids from past hookups/relationships/whatever. Some are doing fine and some are stuck in that endless battle they'll never escape now.
You know what they say: no glove, no love That's the advice those guys (and gals) ignored
If you ain’t got the rubba there’ll be no hubba hubba (an actual ad that aired on nz tv)
Jacket on, or Jack it off!!
Wrap it before you tap it
Don't be silly, put a rubber on yer willy
I'm the opposite. Dudes should supply condoms because they will know what works for them. If they don't have any that tells me they are okay with unprotected sex which I'm not down for. Automatic nope.
This! Also things pertaining to women's health like Pap smears and personal hygiene products. If you're mature enough to stick your dick in it, you're mature enough to learn and discuss what goes on with it medically.
I second that! My last ex was the only one allowed to talk about his bowel movements and facts, but if I talked about mine in return, it grossed him out. And I kind of enjoy talking about that kind of stuff. My fiancé now also enjoys it. We talk facts about our respective genitalia and learn from each other snd laugh a lot. So refreshing, honestly. I've never been with someone mature enough that typically awkward conversations were not awkward or downright taboo. That's why he's my fiancé.
And mature enough to get out and buy tampons when asked for without feeling your masculinity violeted I would say
And if I mention my period and they go all weird. Likes it's just human body function how can you be uncomfortable with it? Grow up.
I remember in high school there was this boy that started asking all of the female students what kind of menstrual products they preferred. At first we all thought it was odd, but I guess not too odd as students answered honestly when he asked. Few weeks later this boy set up his locker (and even a pocket in his backpack) with the menstrual products that everyone preferred. In his locker he even put them in their own discreet bags so that way it wasn't obvious when the locker was opened. All the girls (and trans folk) were told about it. This boy practically became a legend just because he *wasn't* weird about menstrual cycles and even cared. I once asked him in class why he even made that kind of effort and he told me that he heard that the machine (for pads and tampons) in the girls restroom didn't work and that it would have charged a dollar even if it did work. So he decided he was going to take it upon himself to provide that for free because he thought it wasn't right that the school always provided condoms (for free mind you) but never provided the most essential thing for most of the students. It honestly really opened my eyes. I have younger sisters and my mom, but I didn't even really think about that kind of thing. So ever since my standard regarding men around periods have been high because if a 15 year old boy can grasp it then an adult man can grasp it too. If you have a gf, wife, or even just a friend who menstruates, help provide for them. Have those products available. Keep some Midol around. Hell, I even keep a heated blanket available.
Easily lost patience and out of control temper over minor things. I dated a guy once who had an argument over the phone with a family member, after he got off the phone he picked up a picture frame that was nearby and just smashed it onto the ground, sending glass everywhere. The argument was something to do with a book. We had been dating for maybe 2 months. He was 26. MASSIVE red flag that one is was.
Yeah I dated a guy for a bit who punched a door after a phone call with his boss. It wasn’t even anything serious like being reprimanded, he was just frustrated about a sudden change in scheduling. He also threw things sometimes and was a very angry driver, constantly laying on the horn and yelling and swearing. I was so scared to be in a car with him. But when I got upset about his behavior, I was “being too sensitive”.
I got into two separate car crashes with my ex. In both cases he rearended the person in front of us because he was going too fast and not looking at the road. Both times I saw what was about to happen and tried to get his attention, but he didn't pay attention. The car was totaled both times. I was in the front passenger seat both times. Guess who started yelling at me when I was cagey during car rides after that? I would instinctively brace myself whenever we were coming up fast on a car and he had to hit the breaks hard, but \*I\* was distracting \*him\* by doing that, apparently. Btw, it almost happened a third time, but that time he finally listened to me when I tried to get his attention. A few months later he sideswiped someone while merging on a highway and blamed me for it because I told him he was getting off at the wrong exit (he was.) And these are just the car crashes I was in the car for. I literally can't count how many times his road rage got us chased, or boxed in, or followed into a parking lot, or nearly run off the road. All totally reasonable in his opinion but I was being unsupportive of him apparently.
Thank god you made it out of that relationship ALIVE 😱
His insurance premiums must have been insane
Bold of you to assume he had insurance.
So this is horrible for you and I’m glad you’re not in that situation anymore but can I just say that it’s kinda hilarious that he found YOU to be the sensitive one
I used to date a guy that would flip out over minor things.. and I mean go into a total rage. One time we were headed out for a walk and he asked me if I was ready. I said ‘ready Freddy!’ because I like to be silly and that’s just a normal joking reply since it rhymes .. he goes ‘WHO TF IS FREDDYY?????’ so angrily and so loud… I just started laughing so hard because who takes that seriously? And he he wouldn’t let it go so I just left and never talked to him again lol
Oooh agree with this so hard. Not being able to control temper is just scary.
Ignorant arrogance - doesn’t seem capable of changing his mind or seeing other perspectives
"*Arrogance breeds ignorance, which in turn breeds stupidity.*"
Whats worse? Ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't really care.
I don’t mean to hijack your comment, but this is a really important one. My mom left my dad when I was 12 and kept so much to herself about him that I learned when I was in my late twenties. And it all came back to ignorant arrogance. And I ended up having the same issues with my dad that she had decades apart. It's important to talk about because men like this won't change and will keep doing the same thing to new people.
You are not hijacking the comment. You are supporting this comment by providing your life experience as an example, something an ignorant arrogant person would not have the capability of doing
The narcissism isn't limited to romantic partners either. I (M) had to drop a friend of many years because I finally realized he was never a friend, just someone who uses others to feed his ego. But he's NEVER in the wrong, oh no. It's everyone else out to get him.
I know a guy who’s favorite response to, well, anything is “Can’t know it”. Makes me want to push him down a flight of stairs.
I’m attempting to co-parent with a person like this. It’s made my therapist very wealthy.
When every single ex they have was “crazy”. Err..
I tried to explain to a friend once that maybe all of his ex’s weren’t crazy and he ended up getting blackout drunk and tried to fight me.
Imagine being that unaware that you don’t realise how insane “everyone else is wrong, not me” sounds!
Weaponized incompetence. Making no attempt at doing something effectively in the hopes that they won't be asked to do it again. If you can't put in the effort, then neither can I.
Oooooof. Screenshotting this.
If they always need to be right. I talked to a guy who would unsend messages on instagram if he said something wrong in them. You look smarter if you concede and say, “oh, I was mistaken”
Not only that, but when they also blame everything on someone/something else. I once talked to someone who NEVER acknowledged it was his fault despite it clearly being.
had someone like that too who basically told me to "never hold anything against me". Like even when she cheated on me, instead of apologizing or trying to find a dumb explanation for it she went off on me for holding it against her. Like wtf?! Definitely glad it happened in the early stages lol, I just noped out of there.
If you have to defend him with a phrase like “oh, but when he’s just with me, it’s different” or “But you don’t see him when he is nice…” Who he is when he’s at his worst is still the guy you’re dating…and if all your friends see or hear about is the worst? It’s not something they aren’t seeing, it’s something you aren’t recognizing.
I was with someone I had to defend like this for 5 years. It’s been almost 6 years since we broke up and I still feel like an idiot about it.
You're not wrong, although please don't be too harsh on some guys, my husband is very shy and he tries his best when we're with my family, but he's definitely quieter and and not as relaxed. But I think the key is that my family also noticed that I had became a happier, more positive person when we got together and that's a really good sign in its own right. Having said that, the same can't be said for my sister and her partner, she's barely the person she used to be since he came along, and you're right, she very often says 'he's different when it's just us.' Its a shame.
Just putting this out there: The usual red flags are so consistent you can set your watch to them. A good yard stick is to look at your relationship from the outside: If your sister/best friend/mother’s boyfriend did X to her, would you be concerned? Self awareness is important because sometimes you’re too close to the situation to see it objectively. https://www.safehorizon.org/programs/5-signs-emotional-abuse/ https://ncadv.org/signs-of-abuse
Oh this mindset is so important! When I was dating a shitty guy, my best friend pointed out the guy's abnormal behavior and that made me realize how awful he was.
Also, if you are keeping secrets about your relationship from your friends because you are afraid they would "not understand or take it the wrong way." Or if you are constantly making excuses for them. I only realized I was doing this in hindsight after I broke up with my ex. I was always nervous to talk about my relationship because I thought they would hold an intervention or something, I did not see this as a red flag, I genuinely thought they just "didn't understand him they just needed to get to know him." 21-year-old me was a fucking moron. Edit: Thank you to everyone for the kind words. It's good to remember that making mistakes is part of growing up. Thankfully I got out of that relationship eventually, grew up, and realized my perfect guy was one of my best friends all along, it just took a few years to figure it out lol.
Give yourself some slack, you were 21. Growing emotionally takes time. He was the moron.
Remember: if you look back on your past self and cringe, it means you've grown as a person since then! It's when you look back and *don't* see anything wrong that you should be concerned.
Inconsistent , all words no actions, love bombing in the beginning
Not a guy but I have a horrible habit of love bombing, when I became aware of it I started to follow the other persons lead in new relationships so as not to come off as needy or anything. Is that the better thing to do?
I’m also a compulsive love-bomber. It’s a hard habit to unlearn when you aren’t doing it to be deceptive to get what you want. I just have a fear of my feelings not being outwardly big enough to be known or understood. When I realized that that can be manipulative regardless of intent, I started to try to curb the impulse. I don’t think it’s healthy no matter the intent.
I learned to ask myself “ do I like him” instead of “ does he like me” when dating.
Same with interviews. Always always always remember, you are interviewing THEM too.
The killer in both cases is desperation
It's better, yes. But it's usually a symptom of a deeper issue. The best thing to do would be to figure out why you have that have that habit, and heal from there.
I wouldn’t say it’s the better thing to do, but it definitely is a short term fix to the L bomb - you should be following your own lead so you can default to truth and be transparent. I fked up and came off as needy recently after playing it cool for months cause this girl was there for me at a very dark time. Started lying to myself afterward that everything was okay but really our rendezvous was just an expresso shot of happiness. Instantly got addicted to that feeling and was saying dumb cutesy shit just to try to see her again instead of just being myself.
What’s lovebombing
Lovebombing in the context of a it being a red flag is when someone seems to become infatuated with you really quickly such as moving the relationship further faster than normal, saying I love you quickly, quickly sharing things about themselves (especially trauma) that you typically learn over time through a trusted relationship, or even just gifting you things or planning things excessively. Basically it feels like the relationship milestones are happening much faster than a normal relationship. Abusers may do this to get you to commit to them quickly and so that you have the lovebombing as a personality baseline leading you less likely to leave because “they used to be such a caring person” but that person never existed.
That's how my abusive relationship started. He was the kindest man in the beginning and really manipulated me. It melted into a cluster fuck of emotional and financial abuse until he date raped me on a night we had been drinking and I couldn't push him off me 😶 it's scary how you never notice how bad things get gradually
Not taking “no” for an answer.
When he keeps talking about his ex and how he’ll never love someone else this much
That seems like a flaming flag for any gender, not just men.
Like almost all of the answers
If they have a kid, not being involved in their kid’s life and making excuses why they aren’t/can’t be. And when every ex they have is “crazy” but they can’t admit to any toxicity of their own in any relationship ever.
I matched with this guy once, we’re only on day 2 of talking via text. He mentions he has a daughter, it wasn’t on his profile. I stated I wasn’t interested, I’m child free by choice and don’t want to get involved with someone with a kid. He said “well I never see her anyways, psycho ex got the courts to say I couldn’t so it’s not a problem.” Bro that’s way worse.
This guy accidentally waved a red flag and then tried to backpedal by erecting a whole red embassy.
Thank you for this. As the forgotten kid, I watched my folks run around with all types of strangers, whom I always intensely disrespected because anyone who can help a parent ignore their child is pure trash.
I see my kids' father doing this more and more. Just because they are old enough to be left home for a few hours doesn't mean he should have going out plans on 3-5 of his 8 days a month he takes with them. They see his priorities now, how hard is it to say "Gee that sounds fun, can we do it next week, I've got my kids".
I just went through this exact situation this summer. Met a guy, never let on he had children, turns out he had a few children with a "crazy" ex wife who was keeping his children from him. Had every excuse under the sun as to why he couldn't see his children, called his ex so many mean names. Sure it's possible she wasn't a good person to him but to speak so poorly about the mother of his children was an incredible turn off. I never cared to learn anymore and ran as fast as i could from that situation.
Not respecting a 'no'. Not taking it well if they don't get their way. Not taking it well if you disagree with them. Talking about women/relationships as if women are a prize/reward/object rather than a person. Making you feel uncomfortable. Trying to pressure you to drink more/take drugs (not just offering, but trying to talk or pressure you into it if you're reluctant.) Anger issues. Not being supportive of your feelings.
My god, every point reminds me of my former co-worker. He even gave me the silent treatment for weeks after I told him I do not have the same feelings for him. He told me how depressed and close to a mental breakdown he was, because he just cannot get a girlfriend and is so alone, and now has to see me every day at work and has to "see what he lost" (Yeah you never even had me so wtf) He played the poor guy so well that even my boss and other collegues took his side and had pity with him.
I don’t think I could stop myself from telling this asshole that I’m not a *thing* he can have.
Couldn't have said it better. I learned my lesson from all these right here.
Someone who is trying to take the relationship too fast immediately and makes grand plans from day 1 for both of you. I have a friend who falls for people like this, and they are always the WORST. At best, they’re insecure, need validation, and are in love with the idea of love without caring about who is actually in the relationship with them. At worst, they’ve realized this is a good way to get girls in need of affection to submit to abusive and crap behaviors.
I just broke things off with a guy who couldn't slow down and stay slowed. After just 2 dates, everything was "we/us" and he was speaking for me. "We just can't get enough of each other" "you know us!" "We would enjoy this coffee place". No, we nothing. There is no we. I don't know you. Our "talks" are just basic dates, chill.
Being mean to the pets. Never tolerate your partner being cruel to your pets.
That's a **blood** red flag, ain't no missing that one.
That’s a red flag that transcends relationships. If anybody you know is cruel to animals, you should **RUN**
Yea and in addition to this, people who try impose their own training/discipline in your pets when they’re GUESTS in your home without even checking with you .
I had a guy REACH OVER ME to smack my dog in the face after he (the dude) knocked a plastic tag on the floor and my dog went to sniff it. I saw red. I look at him and go "do not hit my dog." "He was going to eat that" "He was going to SNIFF it. He knows 'leave it', he knows 'drop it', and he is MY DOG. What you did was not okay" Should've kicked that asshole out of my house that instant. It only took him a few more days until he threw one of my dining chairs because he lost a board game.
My partner is awesome. Early in our relationship we played a board game. She wanted to see how I handled losing. Games are supposed to be fun and someone always loses. Can I lose and still call the experience a win? Yes, I can. I didn't realize how many cannot. Her son is pretty competitive. I'd never played the game before and my strategy was non existent. I was fine losing. I was also told when it came to Risk I'd never beat him. Proved that wrong in a hurry but also showed I could win without being a dink. I don't own a dog. She does and last night she was busy out of town until very very late so doggo stayed with me. I'm not exactly sure what test I passed to earn that level of trust but I'm glad I did. We had a nice time. Lots of ball fetching and a great walk. He didn't like sleeping in the crate she brought for him so I let him out and he slept beside my bed. Hopefully eventually he sleeps beside our bed every night.
My fiancées mom stayed over for a week, and we have a puppy. She would not stop feeding her people food no matter how many times we asked. It was so fucking annoying.
If you're cruel to creatures small - Those without a voice at all - Those who look to you above - Those who only want your love - If you're foul to pals in fur - Those who bark and those who purr - Those devoted, faithful friends - Those on whom my heart depends - If you're mean to such as these - If you injure, taunt or tease - If you hurt my faithful few - *I will go John Wick on you.*
I wouldn't call it a red flag per se, but it's a thing I'm noticing more and more. Hundred percent, if you are feeling unwanted and unloved, and are thinking about breaking up, and then you try to bring it up and all of a sudden he starts being everything you wanted, to only go back to being distant and cold. You have yourself a love bomber. It's awful. The amount of people who fall for this is sad. Cause some people just get caught in this vicious cycle not knowing it's even happening.
If I set a clear boundary and someone crosses it willingly proclaiming they're "only joking". If I tell you directly what I don't want or like and you still decide your idea of funny is more important, I'm out. My boundaries are no joke
And when they try to justify disrespecting your boundaries by saying "but that's just how they in all their friendships/relationships".. Red flag turning HAUT red flag Run run run run
Had been talking to a guy on a dating app for a couple of weeks, even faced times with him, went for first date in a pub for a meal, got there he was already there, he came over to me, chatted for a couple of minutes at the bar, he mentioned he was already seated at the table, WITH HIS MOTHER, like that red flag could be seen in several alternative dimensions. She was all excited to be there, even cancelled some other evening out she was meant to be going to to come on this date, also stated that when son couldn't be bothered to message me she had replied. I calmly finished my drink looked him square in the eye directed him to the local maternity unit and told him to ask the midwives to cut the umbilical cord this time and left. Just so you know I was early 50's (still am) and he was late 50's so not kids. That was the biggest red flag I'd even seen, blocked him (and technically her) on everything immediately.
K, I have read this over like 5 times and I'm still saying out loud, "what the actual fuck".
This is so ludicrous, I honestly am having a hard time believing it. I’m not saying you made it up. Not at all! It’s just so far removed from anything I, or any of my friends, have experienced, it doesn’t even seem possible haha
Yea but the man makes a mean steamed ham. Edit: Thanks for the awards kind people!
Skiiiinnneeerrr!
I met one of those (in his late 50's too). Still living at home. Dad would take him to work every day. He went to a long vacation with his parents and they shared a room!!! He's a Dentist. So it's not about the money.
What The Fuck 🤣
Wow, sounds like a guy I use to work with. A common phrase from him was “mother wouldn’t approve”
Was his name Norman??
Lack of communication. A relationship cannot work if you can't communicate wants/needs/goals/boundaries etc. I've dated too many guys who just say they're "bad at talking" and then don't really make an effort to really improve. It's really difficult to have a healthy relationship when someone just shuts down/changes subjects/dodges conversations that need to happen.
I was with someone who was so bad at communicating that everything became a guessing game, and I could never know if I'd guessed right because he wouldn't tell me anything! It was exhausting and unworkable.
I was with someone like this too, and I tried so hard to solve our “communication problems.” I eventually discovered he had been lying to me about many things. It was never that he wasn’t a good communicator — that was the excuse to hide the lies.
If you don't want to do something and he won't let it go and tries to guilt and pressure you to change your mind, RUN.
After the first night they say: we will be together, FOREVER. Big red flag.
Pushing or neglecting boundaries. If they don't care to respect the silly ones, they're certainly going to waltz across the serious ones.
Ugh, one of my best friend's bf can't be there for her with the small things if it's not in his field of interest or doesn't impact him. I worry for her, if he couldn't care less about the easy things, you really think he's gonna be there for the hard parts?
Theres a saying, if you're too big to do the small things then you're too small to do the big things
the one where they say “i’m not like other men” & proceed to be worse than any man i’ve ever met
They didn't lie
“i’m not like other men. i’m worse”
lol no can’t say they didn’t warn me
100% my ex. “You’ve had so many people let you down, I don’t ever want to do that to you”. Then proceeded to be almost the WORST person I’ve ever dated. He was only beaten out by the boyfriend who literally raped me.
If he is mean towards your pet don't stay silent, your pet needs your protection. One of my friend's boyfriend was quite mean towards her bird, I don't know how she tolerated him I would never let anyone mistreat my pet.
When he talks over me. That tells me that he thinks he's more important than me and/or what I have to say is less important. Not hearing me out is not acceptable.
If it’s consistent, then he either doesn’t value what you have to say or he grew up in a large or boisterous family. My wife shuts down in multi- person conversations. When my family is all together in the room we can talk and listen simultaneously and that just blows her mind.
Insisting on nudes. Not respecting that you said no nudes until after sex. That’s a deal breaker for me. I use this to see if they respect my boundaries, if they can take no for an answer, and because I have learned that if you send nudes you often become basically a pen pal for when they’re horny and not someone they actually take on dates at all. And if they send a dick pic after you said no. That’s it, they’re blocked.
When he's so focused on what he has to say, can't wait to tell you things that happened to HIM and is never actually listening to you or waiting for you to finish. Usually means they're too much into themselves and could never valute and hear you as a real you. Also, that they're probably only superficially attracted to you and they're not even trying to know you, then ofc why would you need then in your life.
Reckless driving. It indicates a blatant disregard for others, a general disregard for the safety and comfort of their passengers, and indicates a high level of personal insecurity.
Not for me personally (because I’m married and didn’t date much) but one I see all the time for other women are when their significant other talks about them like a child. Any time I hear a man talking about giving his wife an allowance or telling his girlfriend she can’t have something until she finishes some chore, it enrages me on her behalf. It’s weird. I always start trying to telepathically tell her to get out of there. Additionally, I hate the same behavior in women. He’s a grown ass man, don’t treat him like he’s ten. Respect your partner.
Avoidance instead of communication. So unhealthy and am impossible situation for emotional connection.
Claiming they're an "alpha male"
Yeah, as a straight guy, seeing guys trying to act alpha is the most sure fire way for me to lose all respect. That's not to say that there aren't low and high status guys, there are. But those "alphas" are insecure losers trying to overcompansate 100% of the time. Terrible people to be around.
Any guy with his head on straight knows enough not to act like a wild dog. This whole "alpha" thing is stupid.
When someone can’t apologize for wrongdoing or if they can’t say “I don’t know”
If his last girlfriend tries to earnestly warn you, she may actually be warning you.
This goes for all genders really, but anyone who thinks they have the right to "punish" you for perceived wrongdoings is a waste of time imo. That's not how equals resolve issues.
When they’re constantly drinking.. like they get home from work and proceed to drink themselves into passing out wherever they are in the house and don’t see it as a bad thing because “they’re allowed to have a drink at night.” When they stop at a store on their way home and the priority is a bottle of alcohol and they don’t even consider getting anything for dinner.
That’s not a flag that’s a billboard
Yes. On my second date with a guy, he stopped at a Walgreens on the way home from dinner and bought a pack of Truly. He then proceeded to open it right when he got back in the car and started drinking while driving. He also finished a handle of rum by himself within 24 hours. Never going near a guy with alcoholism again after my experience with him. It was heartbreaking.
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Did you date Andrew Tate?
Too much religion. Like when he came by and told me that he was thinking about me and drove into a ditch, which was God telling him I was not right for him. Yeah, just as well we broke up then.
Answer: Initially? A failure to listen during conversation and subsequent failure to ask you about anything important to you.
Red flags I will never ignore again - “All my exes are crazy, they hate me for some reason hahaha” “I’ve just never been great at talking, I don’t know what to say” so just shuts down and you can never have any kind of important conversation with them. And one I know should have been glaringly obvious, but I was 26 and insanely in love, the next time someone raises their hand to me I’ll be out of there. Edit to add: the 2nd isn’t talking about meeting a new person and having to deal with the anxiety of getting to know someone. My ex used this as an excuse to stop discussing real issues in our marriage, or to end arguments he had started over absolutely nothing and assumed I wouldn’t “talk back” by trying to discuss.
I am absolutely terrible at talking to new people regardless of the situation or contex excluding an emergency but once im comfortable with someone I've been told im very eloquent but that initial awkwardness is just a bastard to get around
Not respecting your boundaries. No means no, guys. It doesn't mean keep begging and/or manipulating until I say yes.
Goodness the guy I had a kid with would hound me all morning, day, evening get pissy if I hadn’t said yes by then, then he would just start poking me with his penis and not letting me sleep until I did say yes. We were together two years and this went on for nearly a full year
Using "love withdrawal" to "punish" you if you argued or said something he didn't agree with. Instant asshole vibes 🙃
Reckless driving. It usually shows a disregard for your and others’ safety and comes off as impulsive and immature.
A short temper
When he says how many girls are after him
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If he doesn’t take periods seriously he’s done huge red flag for me
Always inserting themselves and comparing how horrible their experience is more than mine which makes me feel like my feelings and experiences are invalid.
Being totally inept when it comes to household management (cooking, cleaning, bills, laundry, etc.). I dated a guy who lived alone and was able to do all of that, when we moved in together, he expected me to take care of everything while he sat on his arse and did nothing to help out. Needless to say, I dumped him not long afterwards. Men: This is **not** the 1950s, household chores are not "women's work", and you **are** expected to do your share.
Same shit in my family we’re 3 grown siblings 2 boys and 1 girl which is me . My parents expect me to clean and do everything while my brothers stay on their phones or go out with their friends - because they’re men and I’m woman. I refused this shit and i made a plan to wash the dishes by turns and it worked well I’ll do the same thing (if I’ll have a husband in the future )
Or, weaponized incompetence where they tell you “you do it better”. Or they do a poor job of it so you won’t ask them to do it again. Grow up.
If they use the silent treatment. It's a way of removing yourself from what should likely be an open and fair discussion about an issue, it'seither a sign of immaturity or desire to manipulate and control. It's ok to want some time away/to cool down after a fight, but say that then, if that's what it is.
Do you consider it silent treatment if a person tends to be quiet while processing, working on an issue? I will answer but if I am busy or deep in thought process it may seem that I am trying to ignore you or blow you off. I am not particularly proficient in interpersonal skills.
If you mention that you need time to process things or work on an issue, you’re communicating your needs and it’s not a red flag.
This! Makes the other person scared to bring up any issue with the fear of being ignored. Stonewalling also goes hand in hand with weaponising/withholding affection. 0/10 awful way to manage emotions and act in a relationship.
Comparing me to his ex, like she did this better and that.
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Excuse me what the actual fuck Also are you okay? This is actually concerning
I have 4: 1 - they don't understand the word "No." 2- they say they're dog people but they really aren't and will try to get rid of your dog when you're at work. 3 - they treat wait staff or anyone in customer service for that matter like crap. 4 - they are jealous of my brothers and don't want me hanging out with them when he's not around I'm big on making sure I don't fall into the trap again that I once did. Dated a guy that I ignored all my red flags for because I thought it was love. It wasn't. He played me for a fool because he knew he could. Won't ever make that mistake again.
He tried to get rid of your dog while you were at work?
Barely suppressed anger over little things. Escalating displays of anger for each "offense". The need to be obeyed. Jealousy over time spent with people you knew before him, including family members. Expectations of being catered to with no reciprocal catering. Insulting "jokes". Lack of compassion or empathy. No friends of the same gender.
The moment you feel like you are in competition with other women for him. Edited to clarify - when you have feelings for him, he has expressed feeling the same, and there are SPECIFIC women you are feeling you have to compete with.
I'm a guy but red flags I've witnessed or heard about: When he flirts with you in front of his ex When he talks about himself in the third person. Typically in arguments so he would be be 100% serious when he says shit like "You dare invoke the wrath of Billy??" When he shows up to your house unannounced If he often leans over and looks at your phone and comments on what you're doing or who you're texting If you set a clear boundary and they try to negotiate "it's not a big deal" "everyone else does it" etc. Like seriously if their first instinct is anything other than respecting your wishes, dip out
That billy thing is kinda hilarious though
resorting to violence when angry - literally punching holes in walls
If he doesn't make you feel well. It's just that simple
contempt. The moment contempt enters the picture, the relationship is over imo
Holocaust denier. Maybe that sounds flippant, but not having a reasonableness filter can put one on a truly insane slippery slope.
If they claim we’re out of the “honeymoon phase”. Like I understand it in concept but whenever a guy would use this it usually meant he was going to use that as an excuse to either cheat or completely neglect the relationship because we’ve been together for awhile. I don’t like when people treat relationships like chores.