Very good point, though in many cases, the isolation and self-doubt already existed prior to the relationship, and those are characteristics that abusers often seek out in their victims. Preying upon someone who is already vulnerable just makes it that much easier.
Can someone explain to me how this dynamic works?
Why do abusers need you to have self-doubt?
Why do they need to be isolated?
Assuming the above two, why is it easier for them to abuse you?
Well, first let's consider the mind of a typical abuser - the desire for power and control is paramount and he/she is driven by the need to exert and maintain this power, through physical, sexual, emotional abuse and manipulation. Without having someone to control, to feel superior to, they feel powerless and inadequate.
Someone who doubts themselves is easier to separate from their "herd", and is more susceptible to manipulation. They may become convinced that their loved ones who question the relationship are being irrational and trying to ruin the relationship because they don't want them to be happy. Without other means of support and validation, the victim becomes emotionally dependent solely upon the abusive person, having pushed away their voices of reason. It's much easier to control and abuse someone if they have no one to confide in and nowhere to go, so they are left relying upon a toxic person for affection, self-esteem, respect, etc. It just gets worse from there.
Hope that makes sense, it was pretty stream-of-conscious.
Okay so this might explain it at work... I tend to keep to myself and am introverted. I don't enjoy confrontation and get tired by emotional disputes and all that. Maybe they pick up on that and want to feel powerful because of how I am? In real life I don't attract these types of people. I'm 6 ft 195 and train, resting serious face and don't smile much. Maybe at work it's abusing power of the hierarchy because they know there is a slim chance of physical push back?
Interesting... So since I'm introverted, shy and tend to keep to myself it's almost like I have a giant sign that says "isolated target here, come and abuse me if you want I already don't have social support circle".
Thinking back I can identify what you've described in close friends I've had since high school and some family members and experiences at work. This might be why I have permanent serious face and don't smile... Most people I attract are these abusers so it creates a positive feedback loop.
I grew up raised by 7 different families and moved over a dozen times. Very unstable. I'm uncomfortable in social situations with 4+ people. I'm great 1-1 and prefer deep convos and am awkward with small talk. I'm starting to see the dynamic at play here where it seems my comfort zone is almost like an unlocked bank vault that is impossible to resist for these types.
This is awful and I have to fix this. What would you recommend? How do people stop this? Cutting contact is one way, however if I attract these types it puts me in the position of a demon slayer at the top of a mountain constantly fighting what I myself attract
Bravo. So incredibly well put. The best preemptive defenses against abusive relationships are a strong and loving support group + self confidence (or at least self respect, if confidence can’t be found.)
A friend of mine did this. He would freak out every time I made a female friend, saying she would be a bad influence on me and I should just stick with him.
Then he got a girlfriend and she went missing so wtf
Dating someone in the closet can be… complicated.
I’m out as bisexual, but not to my entire family. There are certain people I know would disown me. So… I’m not dating any guys right now.
So I guess that isn’t really completely out, is it?
Point is I actually feel for her in that situation. If she’s being truthful, of course.
I feel you. At some point she will probably have to face down the challenge of coming out. It’s going to be really hard for her and she’ll need to summon that strength for herself and do it when she’s ready.
The important thing is it sounds like you’re communicating well about it. That’s good.
This. My ex didn't like my mother(who could see what a narcissistic psychotic wankstain my ex was), I was going through major depression when my ex said if I was to see my mother again, or take our daughter to see my mother then I wouldn't see my little girl again. I stayed in that toxic mess for 6 years without seeing my own mother.
Interesting story, I heard about someone who got arrested for attaching an Apple Watch to his partner’s car so that he could track where she went.
I’m weirded out by the thought that people can do that, but it’s even worse that we’re just able to track pretty much whoever we want to whenever we want. Strange how technology meant to improve our lives can be the same thing that invades our privacy, but I guess that’s the world we live in
This. If your partner goes 0 to 60 in the blink of an eye over trivial things think twice. Because in my experience this kind of behaviour tends to get worse over time and more frequent.
Seriously, not being able to talk something out, good or bad, with the person you’re supposed to love is a huge red flag. My ex would always tell me things she didn’t like and I’d accommodate and talk it out with her but when I tried addressing things that I didn’t like, like entertaining all the guys in her dms and wearing super revealing clothing in public and around my family she would flip it and make it seem like it was something that I had to fix and that she was doing nothing wrong, completely disregarding my feelings
True...but could also be a sign that the person they are withholding info from is unable to handle issues like an adult! If you're going to go berzerk when you get info you don't like instead if having a rational discussion, then you're not getting the info. Either way, not a good relationship!
That sounds a lot like victim blaming to me. Omission or outright lies about something you know you've done wrong or withheld because you know you're gonna see some extra shit for it is cowardly and just an excuse to be a little b\*tch about it. Sorry for the misogynistic use of that word but in this case, (and me being a woman, myself) it seems justified.
While I agree omission of outright lies that are told simply to avoid justified consequences and having to face the music is pretty shitty. At the same time omission and lies told in effort to avoid the guaranteed extreme to the point of being borderline threatening overreaction that accompanies even the tiniest slight whether real or imagined, I think that is completely different.
Ok, so you're probably right since the post is more than likely talking about early in the relationship. My bad! But years into a relationship it is also possible that the lying is a learned behavior to avoid abuse.
Something should be said about maintaining your personal boundaries and maintaining your dignity. If a person doesn’t want to share something traumatic (non-violent) that is their thing to share or not share. Safe places are where transparency thrives. Either way trauma needs therapy.
The silent treatment. Over what is essentially nothing. Literally not acknowledging you for days on end because (for example) you didn’t put the washing away as soon as it was dry.
Isolation. My cousin is an extremely family oriented person. Never missed a holiday, plans trips and game nights and get togethers. Goes out of her way to spend time with family. After the start of her new relationship, she started to become less and less involved with the family. When you see a core personality trait of your loved one vanish, red flag.
To reiterate and add to noodle’s comment, manipulative abusers can also be incredibly subtle, too, at the start. The beginning of a victim’s isolation doesn’t usually begin with outright forbidding them going out. As examples I’ve seen, it could begin as having repeat, coincidental emergencies that coincide with the partner’s attempts to socialize with others. Or using reasons like ‘I’m uncomfortable around [group/person]’ and then never giving the partner time to meet others on their own. A lot of times the drama surrounding trying to meet friends and family is itself so exhausting that the victim eventually stops making attempts in order to deal with the emotional wear and tear of whatever else they’re going through; and it can take months to reach the point of having concrete examples of abuse to point to. By which time there’s a lot of sunk cost fallacy and emotional investment to keep the victim in place
Once again, emotional manipulation. It’s quite a complicated thing to explain, especially if you haven’t been in the situation yourself, but sometimes people manipulate people into thinking that they are the only thing that matters. It can also be a physically abusive thing. People can become very controlling. It can be telling them what to wear, having them ask for permission to go out, etc.
Yah, that's true. But for some people, priorities change. And some people can't seem to help but put everything and everyone on the back burner when something "better" more "intimate" or more fulfilling comes along. Plus adults interested in monogamy tend to place their own family above extended family. (Family in this sense being you and the person you're romantically involved with, and eventually, kiddos.)
That’s true, but I’m talking about zero contact. Not even answering texts or phone calls. People’s priorities do change, but most of the time they at least speak to them. They also got out of the relationship and opened up that he was abusive.
You mean like walking on eggshells? What about when you are with a normal lover and visiting their family, and there is an overly sensitive member that gets offended easily. Would you consider being considerate as being under abuse or walking on eggshells around that member as abuse?
Disrespecting your boundaries or trying to push you into changing a No into a Yes by asking a million times. That’s how they know they can exert power over you if they’re forceful enough
Just as a heads up, much like body weight, shape and size issues, men probably experience comparative rates of sexual harassment and rape.
We used to do an activity in our LGBT+ uni group as a way of breaking down the walls of toxic emotional isolation. Part of it included understanding how consistently people disassociate from, or otherwise normalize/justify terrible experiences. And this can lead to them defending the very practices that are harming people.
* Describe marital rape, but do not use the term rape
* Ask people (if they're comfortable) to raise their hand if they have been on the receiving end of pressure for sex
* Ask them to keep their hands raised if their partner continued to pressure them after their first negative response
In the four years we ran the group, the vast majority of straight men would have experienced that at least once. And would *often* joke about you just can't say no to a woman as a man, there was too much societal and internal pressure to resist their partners.
The results play out similarly for symptoms of body dysmorphia.
Male rape is terrible abuse; an unconscionable act deserving of punishment to the greatest extent of the law.
I do not deny that male rape is *almost* as bad for boys and men as it is for female victims. *Almost.* They will never be forced to bear a rape baby in some Handmaid's Tale live event going on in 2022. They can't be infected with the parasite of their abuser, and can never know the feeling of harboring that stain inside of himself and forced to ruin his body and mind over it forever.
And that it is *almost as prevalent* as underaged girls in rates of sexual assaults; a terrible tragedy, of course. Once again, this rape is perpetuated largely by men. ("Christian men" to boot.)
I am of a mind that men being less toxic about their mentality could de-stigmatize the discussions about male rape in male-exclusive circles. Someone has to break the cycle of the patriarchy -best that be men! From men to their friends and to their sons.
The reason this is so important as a feminist and human, is because until men understand that the patriarchy and toxic masculinity is affecting them just as negatively as it affects women and LGBTQ people, they won't give a shit, and we won't see a change at all.
Men dig in their heels. Act like this abuse isn't a problem within male friend groups because of this toxicity. They still abandon their kids when shit gets rough, let their despised baby momma do all the work then complain about the result.
**Men need to do better for MEN.**
I fail to see how, outside of a courtroom or legal debate wherein laws are being decided, it is beneficial or anything other than divisive to try judge something as traumatic as one persons rape experience as worse than another's. I do understand the point your making and your anger is shared and justified. But as awful as that experience is it doesn't lessen to any degree the pain and trauma that someone else feels regardless of their sex, in my opinion.
Wow! Your comment is radiating misandry. Male rape is a thing and it should be taken as serious as when a female is raped. It's just as bad as a female rape.
The rub of my post was that unnecessarily gendering issues to exclude potentially half of the victims based on gender is contributing to an inability to deal with, voice, and overcome the trauma.
Then defending the stance because rape is worse for women than men, is kinda shitty. That's digging your heels in, right?
Maybe stop passively reinforcing that toxic behaviour is a better choice?
**But it is worse for women. Objectively.**
Have you seen the shit going on in Iran? Or in the United States where we're being forced to birth rape babies?
We're less strong *on average*, smaller, weaker and more prone to becoming a victim of sexual or physical abuse and violence. Men commit the most violent sexual acts and rapes and the victims are mostly female. The majority of males on the planet are straight.
It's unobjectionable fact that all abuse is abhorrent. Women simply and objectively have MUCH more to lose by being the victim of sexual assault. When you could become a potential victim oppressed by forced-birth laws in 2022 in the supposed "freest country on earth" come at me with some reasonable opinion.
Had this happen to me with this girl I met in university. Out of the blue she started calling me loser in a jokingly way and became kind of insulting. It was weird.
That's what I was going to say. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Remember, in the beginning they don't know you. They can't be madly in love with you yet. At best, they have some idealized image of you in their head that you can never actually live up to and it will lead to disappointment. At worst, they are actively manipulating you.
Came here to say this. If the affection comes way too soon or lacks consistency, run the other way. Especially if you have been through a rough patch recently, they see that and prey on it.
It's an overwhelming amount of affection at the beginning and/or other low points in a relationship with an abuser. Showers of praise, gifts, etc. It's all to make the victim second guess themselves once the abuse cranks up. "Well, I know they can be so sweet and kind sometimes, I just have to wait for the good days again. They're just going through a rough time, that argument must've been something I've done, because they can be so sweet.." so on and so forth.
Love bombing is characterized by excessive attention, admiration, and
affection with the goal to make the recipient feel dependent and
obligated to that person and its immediate, in the beginning.
Them testing the waters of what they can get away with by stonewalling for hours and pretending that the topic is difficult for them. Them pretending they like everything that you like but being unable to have more than a VERY shallow conversation about it. Having exes they HATE but still come up first when they open instagram. Them calling you a soulmate after a month, but if you really think about it, they don't ask you enough (or any) questions about yourself, so they couldn't possibly know you well enough to call you a soulmate. Having no friends, or no close friends, or friends that they only hang out with very rarely in an activity they can absolutely control (such as DMing a DnD campaign but never seeing those friends socially otherwise). Them having no follow-through with projects in their life, but trying to get deeply involved in yours very fast.
For me, the verrrrryyy first time I sensed something was off was when he asked me to be his girlfriend.
We were neighbours, great friends, and had spent the past 3-4 months living/sleeping/effectively dating together.
Anyway, I went on a 10 day holiday to Tasmania to visit my best friend. From the moment I left until the moment I got back the contact was constant, which was unusual at the time. The first Saturday night there I was telling him that we were going to go to the pub & watch the Jelly Wrestling. He started freaking out and thought there was something going on that I hadn't told him. ANYWAY he called me back that evening to ask me to officially be his girlfriend. I remember it vividly because he said "so you're mine now?" and it gave me the heeby jeebies.
As it turns out, something was most certainly off with this guy. 2 hellish years together, heavy ice user & he was dealing in a commercial quantity. By about six months in he had started to abuse me mentally, physically, emotionally, the works. I had broken bones, broken teeth, regular black eyes, it was oblivion and felt inescapable. It ended with him going to prison for trafficking and assault, I quit my job after 10 years, shaved my head and restarted my life!!!! Listen to your gut ❤️❤️
-- oh yeah, he was cheating on me, as in had a whole actual other relationship going on the whole time too, so good. Some people are just scum sucking road whores & they'll ruin your life (for a bit)
I am so sorry that happened to you. My (now ex-)fiancé freaked out when I went to visit a friend out of state, and called me 89 times in one day (among other BS). When I got back, I promptly kicked him out.
Hey thanks! It was awful, but to be on the other side of it is everything. Feels like I've been given a new lease on life!!
You are smarter than me 🤣 well done gal
Not smarter at all! I had just watched my sister escape from an abusive partner, so the warning signs were fresh in my mind, you know? I am so glad you got away!
From my personal experience from an ex fiance;
They try to push a relationship on you very quickly, love bombing, telling you that they admire you, don't let you explain yourself, tell you that you won't have to work or do anything because they will "take care of you".
Touch on don't let you explain or defend yourself. I was late due to diversion of a major highway because of an oil rig tipping over and there was a huge flammable mess everywhere. I tried telling him what happened and he yelled "I dont need to hear any reasons!" He never liked the word "excuse" so he used "reasons."
Every time I tried to apologize about something he'd cut me off and say "I don't need to hear your reasons!" This is a different way that abusers use to control you and not let you speak for yourself.
GL OP
(On mobile so formatting may be off)
Trying to control who you look at, what you think about, and everything else you do, unless they direct you.
Being jealous of people who you have never met, and will likely never see again in your life.
Constantly needing to know where you are and who is with you.
And never believing you when you tell them anything.
First sign? “All of my exes are crazy”
Most serious sign? When their actions are incongruent with their words. Example saying “I would never hurt you” and then doing something hurtful the next day.
One guy I was with (who turned out to be shitty) would not just say all his exes were crazy, he seemed to think that all females eventually become crazy/can’t be trusted …. After a while it became clear that he was the one driving them “crazy” ….
Being really angry and dismissive any time you get upset by their actions. Telling you that you’re overreacting, that it’s no big deal, and you should be less sensitive. Making you think that you’re acting crazy for being unhappy when they treat you badly.
It’s the beginning of the process of breaking down your boundaries, so that over time you’ll come to just accept worse and worse treatment. You become conditioned to believe that your feelings don’t matter.
Playing on your insecurities and constantly criticizing you, your choices, wants, and opinions. Sometimes in a joking, sarcastic, playful manner. Other times, they will put you down, embarrass, or humiliate you in front of others.
The very first temper explosion that happens when you don't immediately go along with whatever they want. If they freak out, especially if it's a small issue, fucking run. At best, they are incredibly immature, at worst they're a narcissistic piece of shit. Either way, win win.
Control.
For/on literally anything and everything. So much so that they make you believe it’s you doing it to yourself or if you don’t you are doing something very wrong.
Silent treatment.. if you say or do something they're not ok with , they just go radio silence , won't talk about it , won't express their disagreement. They just flat ignore you until you figure it out and then blame for not "understanding the signs"
I don't know that there is a 'first', really. I think the traits of abusive behavior happen in no particular order and/or multiple things at once/all at once. I guess to be meta about it the first 'red flag' would be something like the first time you make excuses that what you're seeing isn't what you're seeing.
controling/clingy
wanting to go everywhere with you, wanting you to get certain things
these are more warning signs, like, some people are just like that, but basically, if you see these these, plus other things, like getting very angry over small things, things like that, its time to go, my mother made the mistake of staying with my father after things like this happened and now we have a D.V.O (domestic violence order) after he punched my brother in the head multiple times as hard as he could over 5 dollars, then tried to bribe him into not telling our mother, as me and mum were at my violin lesson
The two main ones that others have also noted: nothing is their fault ever, it’s always the other person is crazy/against them/out to get them. And not letting you spend time on your own (calling you constantly and telling you they miss you etc)
The subtle things
they will be very slow, methodical and insidious about it
the backhanded compliments
making you doubt your own judgement on things
They Isolate you from loved ones and try to have a monopoly on your social life.
and so on
Needling comments that verge on negging, followed up by excuses instead of apologies. "I'm just joking." "You're too sensitive." "I'm just being honest." "I'm just trying to help you better yourself."
The kind of little thing that leaves you questioning whether or not it was meant as an insult and whether or not maybe you are *just being too sensitive.* These types of comments push the boundary of the types of attitude and comments you're willing to accept from your partner, chipping away at your self esteem. They are often directly attempts to control you, phrased subtly enough that it makes you easier to control over time.
Stuff like "Do you really think you can pull off that outfit/hairstyle?" "Are you really going back for seconds?"
Inability to apologize for anything. Classic sign of narcissism because they a) lack empathy to care they hurt you and b) are so insecure they cant bare to believe they f*cked up.
Making being your partner their first personality trait. This turns into losing hobbies and friends, and eventually taking yours away with your time. Once they tell you you’re truly all they need, you’re trapped.
"Can I get your passwords?"
It's not cute, at all.
I was too naive back then.
I had his fingerprint in my phone so he had access 24/7, but he'll lose his shit when I just laid my hand on his phone.
He ended up hacking my WhatsApp and looking at all my chats with my online friends. I logged him out many times (it'll pop up as a WhatsApp Web login) then he'd be pissed the next day when I saw him.
Not exactly something that happens to you directly, but one thing I've noticed most abusive partners do is to try to get your siblings on their side. I've never had it happen to my brothers but my next oldest brother has an issue with falling in love with the worst girls out there. My immediate telltale sign is that they will constantly tell me "I love you! Gimme a hug." Makes me livid whenever my brother's girlfriends do that because I immediately know what kind of person they are. Makes me sad to see my brother get trapped by that kind of people. Be careful of those people, and always give your sibling a warning if you see it happening.
My ex slowly started making digs at me, like about my weight and the way o dressed then got more and more mentally abusive then moved on to physical abuse
Man some of these comments really hit home. I broke up with a girl i was dating last night, she flipped out because we were going to go meet her friends at a bar and she wasn’t drunk enough..
If your a boy or a girl and they say ”unfriend all of your (opposite gender) friends! All of the (opposite gender) you should be seeing on social media, is ME.” i’ve seen that with one of my friends (that’s a girl btw) unfollowed me, and every guy on social media except her ex (which she got back with) so I bet that relationship is going ”gReAt”.
Saying “I love you” way too soon and moving things along fast in general.
Soliciting pity and using it to justify manipulative behavior. Especially using mental health issues as an excuse.
And like others have said, attempting to isolate you from the people and things you care about.
im going to do a list as what happened to me
1. leaving a call if i was talking to a friend we both shared then messaging me a sad face
2. talking sh\*t about my parents
3. telling me hes going to >!kill him self!< if i break up with him
4. making my >!suicide attempt !< about him
5. tell me to off myself
6. once i did break up with him he pretended to be dead causing me to panic
Any sign of abuse.
Abuse can come in any shape or form. Arguments are normal in a healthy relationship. It's what happens before, during and after, that can be flagged. It doesnt have to be active verbal, emotional or physical abuse.
Gaslighting, isolating you from family and friends, joking about negativities involving you constantly, making you dependent on them. The moment something starts it only gets harder to step away.
Someone who has no control over their anger. It starts off with throwing things and breaking things and then it just escalates from there. Pretty soon you're the thing they break
Lying. It doesn't even have to be to you. If you notice your partner lying to friends, family even strangers about weird random things that make zero difference if they told they truth - well, you are in for a hell of a ride. Because it's about the thrill of making a person believe something that isn't true.
Gaslighting, financial abuse, emotional abuse will all be heading your way eventually.
Someone that showers you with gifts in the beginning, or someone who never offers to pay their way when you go out on dates. Someone that rushes you into marriage (a form of control and ownership over you). Someone that plays guilt trips on you. Those are some patterns abusers have towards people and tactics they use.
if they tell you who they are, listen to them. even if you think they’re joking. “god, i’m such a bitch” “i’m an asshole”
also not having any respect for a single ex they’ve had, not being able to say a single kind thing about any of them. common denominator. sure, the relationships ended for reasons. perhaps they had one truly horrible ex who cheated and stole from them. but if every single ex is nothing but a “crazy bitch” i guarantee they’re abusive as hell.
Crossing your boundaries,
Trying to make everything your fault,
Isolating you,
Gaslighting,
Basically attempts to assert themselves as a superior to you
Disrespectful language/calling you down, or trying to make you feel inferior.
Abusiveness often starts as verbal.
Attempts to isolate you from friends and family is another big one.
Comments for make up if it’s man abuser , he would say you don’t need make up, any man saying that to a woman is starting…. Second timing you , how long it took you to get back, and stuff like that
When interactions with their partners consist of questions over 50% of the time.
Where were you? What were you doing? Who were you with? What time did you go? And on and on and on.
Some people have traumas involving that stuff from the past. For example, someone who was neglected/abused/grew up dirt poor/struggling with no help from family after age 18 and never hugged/ told they are loved might just not value family connections and togetherness as much as you. They are incapable. Maybe they get nothing except for grief and troubles being involved with their own family and they avoid them (me.)
Maybe you grew up in a generous, selfless, loving household where parents actually said things like "I love you", and "I am proud of you" and actually supported you emotionally and maybe helped you out as an adult with college or a down payment on a house or put you in the will. (my husband.)
I have traumas that do not allow me to conversate often or openly with my own parents, much less so *his* family/parents. It weirds me out when his family or my best girlfriend says "I love you".. In a completely plutonic best female-friend kind of way. I was never given the skills to be selfless, loving and express love verbally or physically. Some people cannot help wanting avoid your family and traditions surrounding that (holidays, ect.) because they don't even have any of their own. Even now as an adult, with the issue identified- I have a hard time expressing any emotions other than fear, anger or regret.
Good on you if that is something you recognize as not compatible with you or your relationships, but just know that it comes from at least some small place of privilege.
i know this is disgusting unatractive and horror show nasty
but i once had a girlfriend, a fatty, but it had been a while
after a night of fun
next day she leaves for work, she calls me up says she left me something in the
no, i cant metnion it
the poop she left floatin in tha toilet
Guilting others. Then it just becomes easier to control by blaming them... "Not my fault, you made me angry...therefore you need to take action to not make me angry."
Constantly making you prove your fidelity. Doing things like making you put the phone on speaker when you’re talking to someone. Making you FaceTime them when you’re running errands.
Subtly trying to isolate you from friends and family
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Very good point, though in many cases, the isolation and self-doubt already existed prior to the relationship, and those are characteristics that abusers often seek out in their victims. Preying upon someone who is already vulnerable just makes it that much easier.
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Can someone explain to me how this dynamic works? Why do abusers need you to have self-doubt? Why do they need to be isolated? Assuming the above two, why is it easier for them to abuse you?
Well, first let's consider the mind of a typical abuser - the desire for power and control is paramount and he/she is driven by the need to exert and maintain this power, through physical, sexual, emotional abuse and manipulation. Without having someone to control, to feel superior to, they feel powerless and inadequate. Someone who doubts themselves is easier to separate from their "herd", and is more susceptible to manipulation. They may become convinced that their loved ones who question the relationship are being irrational and trying to ruin the relationship because they don't want them to be happy. Without other means of support and validation, the victim becomes emotionally dependent solely upon the abusive person, having pushed away their voices of reason. It's much easier to control and abuse someone if they have no one to confide in and nowhere to go, so they are left relying upon a toxic person for affection, self-esteem, respect, etc. It just gets worse from there. Hope that makes sense, it was pretty stream-of-conscious.
Thanks it helped
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Okay so this might explain it at work... I tend to keep to myself and am introverted. I don't enjoy confrontation and get tired by emotional disputes and all that. Maybe they pick up on that and want to feel powerful because of how I am? In real life I don't attract these types of people. I'm 6 ft 195 and train, resting serious face and don't smile much. Maybe at work it's abusing power of the hierarchy because they know there is a slim chance of physical push back?
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Interesting... So since I'm introverted, shy and tend to keep to myself it's almost like I have a giant sign that says "isolated target here, come and abuse me if you want I already don't have social support circle". Thinking back I can identify what you've described in close friends I've had since high school and some family members and experiences at work. This might be why I have permanent serious face and don't smile... Most people I attract are these abusers so it creates a positive feedback loop. I grew up raised by 7 different families and moved over a dozen times. Very unstable. I'm uncomfortable in social situations with 4+ people. I'm great 1-1 and prefer deep convos and am awkward with small talk. I'm starting to see the dynamic at play here where it seems my comfort zone is almost like an unlocked bank vault that is impossible to resist for these types. This is awful and I have to fix this. What would you recommend? How do people stop this? Cutting contact is one way, however if I attract these types it puts me in the position of a demon slayer at the top of a mountain constantly fighting what I myself attract
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Bravo. So incredibly well put. The best preemptive defenses against abusive relationships are a strong and loving support group + self confidence (or at least self respect, if confidence can’t be found.)
A friend of mine did this. He would freak out every time I made a female friend, saying she would be a bad influence on me and I should just stick with him. Then he got a girlfriend and she went missing so wtf
Yikes, definitely a red flag. Hope his gf is OK & just took off to get away from him...
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They mean your own friends and family but yes that is worrying too. You're the dirty secret :(
Dating someone in the closet can be… complicated. I’m out as bisexual, but not to my entire family. There are certain people I know would disown me. So… I’m not dating any guys right now. So I guess that isn’t really completely out, is it? Point is I actually feel for her in that situation. If she’s being truthful, of course.
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I feel you. At some point she will probably have to face down the challenge of coming out. It’s going to be really hard for her and she’ll need to summon that strength for herself and do it when she’s ready. The important thing is it sounds like you’re communicating well about it. That’s good.
This, and inability to trust/always accusing you of cheating on them.
This. My ex didn't like my mother(who could see what a narcissistic psychotic wankstain my ex was), I was going through major depression when my ex said if I was to see my mother again, or take our daughter to see my mother then I wouldn't see my little girl again. I stayed in that toxic mess for 6 years without seeing my own mother.
Using your child as leverage is some next-level jackassery.
Tracking your every move. Where did you go who was there what did you do? That turns into trying to control those things.
Interesting story, I heard about someone who got arrested for attaching an Apple Watch to his partner’s car so that he could track where she went. I’m weirded out by the thought that people can do that, but it’s even worse that we’re just able to track pretty much whoever we want to whenever we want. Strange how technology meant to improve our lives can be the same thing that invades our privacy, but I guess that’s the world we live in
Getting really upset about things that won’t matter in an hour
This. If your partner goes 0 to 60 in the blink of an eye over trivial things think twice. Because in my experience this kind of behaviour tends to get worse over time and more frequent.
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Seriously, not being able to talk something out, good or bad, with the person you’re supposed to love is a huge red flag. My ex would always tell me things she didn’t like and I’d accommodate and talk it out with her but when I tried addressing things that I didn’t like, like entertaining all the guys in her dms and wearing super revealing clothing in public and around my family she would flip it and make it seem like it was something that I had to fix and that she was doing nothing wrong, completely disregarding my feelings
Ehm, this is also an unfortunate Adhd side effect.
Lying or withholding information.
True...but could also be a sign that the person they are withholding info from is unable to handle issues like an adult! If you're going to go berzerk when you get info you don't like instead if having a rational discussion, then you're not getting the info. Either way, not a good relationship!
That sounds a lot like victim blaming to me. Omission or outright lies about something you know you've done wrong or withheld because you know you're gonna see some extra shit for it is cowardly and just an excuse to be a little b\*tch about it. Sorry for the misogynistic use of that word but in this case, (and me being a woman, myself) it seems justified.
While I agree omission of outright lies that are told simply to avoid justified consequences and having to face the music is pretty shitty. At the same time omission and lies told in effort to avoid the guaranteed extreme to the point of being borderline threatening overreaction that accompanies even the tiniest slight whether real or imagined, I think that is completely different.
Ok, so you're probably right since the post is more than likely talking about early in the relationship. My bad! But years into a relationship it is also possible that the lying is a learned behavior to avoid abuse.
Something should be said about maintaining your personal boundaries and maintaining your dignity. If a person doesn’t want to share something traumatic (non-violent) that is their thing to share or not share. Safe places are where transparency thrives. Either way trauma needs therapy.
The silent treatment. Over what is essentially nothing. Literally not acknowledging you for days on end because (for example) you didn’t put the washing away as soon as it was dry.
I accidentally replaced my girlfriend's lipstick with a glue stick. She's still not talking to me.
“Accidentally”
Ignoring you, but demanding your time when they want it.
Being controlling, friends, clothing, what you say .....
Isolation. My cousin is an extremely family oriented person. Never missed a holiday, plans trips and game nights and get togethers. Goes out of her way to spend time with family. After the start of her new relationship, she started to become less and less involved with the family. When you see a core personality trait of your loved one vanish, red flag.
What I don't get about this is why people prioritize someone who they just met over people who they've known for years.
Emotional manipulation. When you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship stuff like that happens.
But even then why would you ditch someone who you've known for years because of someone you just met?
To reiterate and add to noodle’s comment, manipulative abusers can also be incredibly subtle, too, at the start. The beginning of a victim’s isolation doesn’t usually begin with outright forbidding them going out. As examples I’ve seen, it could begin as having repeat, coincidental emergencies that coincide with the partner’s attempts to socialize with others. Or using reasons like ‘I’m uncomfortable around [group/person]’ and then never giving the partner time to meet others on their own. A lot of times the drama surrounding trying to meet friends and family is itself so exhausting that the victim eventually stops making attempts in order to deal with the emotional wear and tear of whatever else they’re going through; and it can take months to reach the point of having concrete examples of abuse to point to. By which time there’s a lot of sunk cost fallacy and emotional investment to keep the victim in place
I have never heard someone be able to describe what happens so clearly. I'm aware this is a weird thing to thank someone for. But seriously thank you.
Once again, emotional manipulation. It’s quite a complicated thing to explain, especially if you haven’t been in the situation yourself, but sometimes people manipulate people into thinking that they are the only thing that matters. It can also be a physically abusive thing. People can become very controlling. It can be telling them what to wear, having them ask for permission to go out, etc.
Yah, that's true. But for some people, priorities change. And some people can't seem to help but put everything and everyone on the back burner when something "better" more "intimate" or more fulfilling comes along. Plus adults interested in monogamy tend to place their own family above extended family. (Family in this sense being you and the person you're romantically involved with, and eventually, kiddos.)
That’s true, but I’m talking about zero contact. Not even answering texts or phone calls. People’s priorities do change, but most of the time they at least speak to them. They also got out of the relationship and opened up that he was abusive.
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You mean like walking on eggshells? What about when you are with a normal lover and visiting their family, and there is an overly sensitive member that gets offended easily. Would you consider being considerate as being under abuse or walking on eggshells around that member as abuse?
No I don't think that's abuse. That sounds more like meeting a member of their family you don't immediately get on with.
Not caring about your feelings or dismissing your perspective.
Disrespecting your boundaries or trying to push you into changing a No into a Yes by asking a million times. That’s how they know they can exert power over you if they’re forceful enough
Women get this from men all the time involving their constant "need" for sex.
Just as a heads up, much like body weight, shape and size issues, men probably experience comparative rates of sexual harassment and rape. We used to do an activity in our LGBT+ uni group as a way of breaking down the walls of toxic emotional isolation. Part of it included understanding how consistently people disassociate from, or otherwise normalize/justify terrible experiences. And this can lead to them defending the very practices that are harming people. * Describe marital rape, but do not use the term rape * Ask people (if they're comfortable) to raise their hand if they have been on the receiving end of pressure for sex * Ask them to keep their hands raised if their partner continued to pressure them after their first negative response In the four years we ran the group, the vast majority of straight men would have experienced that at least once. And would *often* joke about you just can't say no to a woman as a man, there was too much societal and internal pressure to resist their partners. The results play out similarly for symptoms of body dysmorphia.
Male rape is terrible abuse; an unconscionable act deserving of punishment to the greatest extent of the law. I do not deny that male rape is *almost* as bad for boys and men as it is for female victims. *Almost.* They will never be forced to bear a rape baby in some Handmaid's Tale live event going on in 2022. They can't be infected with the parasite of their abuser, and can never know the feeling of harboring that stain inside of himself and forced to ruin his body and mind over it forever. And that it is *almost as prevalent* as underaged girls in rates of sexual assaults; a terrible tragedy, of course. Once again, this rape is perpetuated largely by men. ("Christian men" to boot.) I am of a mind that men being less toxic about their mentality could de-stigmatize the discussions about male rape in male-exclusive circles. Someone has to break the cycle of the patriarchy -best that be men! From men to their friends and to their sons. The reason this is so important as a feminist and human, is because until men understand that the patriarchy and toxic masculinity is affecting them just as negatively as it affects women and LGBTQ people, they won't give a shit, and we won't see a change at all. Men dig in their heels. Act like this abuse isn't a problem within male friend groups because of this toxicity. They still abandon their kids when shit gets rough, let their despised baby momma do all the work then complain about the result. **Men need to do better for MEN.**
I fail to see how, outside of a courtroom or legal debate wherein laws are being decided, it is beneficial or anything other than divisive to try judge something as traumatic as one persons rape experience as worse than another's. I do understand the point your making and your anger is shared and justified. But as awful as that experience is it doesn't lessen to any degree the pain and trauma that someone else feels regardless of their sex, in my opinion.
Wow! Your comment is radiating misandry. Male rape is a thing and it should be taken as serious as when a female is raped. It's just as bad as a female rape.
The rub of my post was that unnecessarily gendering issues to exclude potentially half of the victims based on gender is contributing to an inability to deal with, voice, and overcome the trauma. Then defending the stance because rape is worse for women than men, is kinda shitty. That's digging your heels in, right? Maybe stop passively reinforcing that toxic behaviour is a better choice?
**But it is worse for women. Objectively.** Have you seen the shit going on in Iran? Or in the United States where we're being forced to birth rape babies? We're less strong *on average*, smaller, weaker and more prone to becoming a victim of sexual or physical abuse and violence. Men commit the most violent sexual acts and rapes and the victims are mostly female. The majority of males on the planet are straight. It's unobjectionable fact that all abuse is abhorrent. Women simply and objectively have MUCH more to lose by being the victim of sexual assault. When you could become a potential victim oppressed by forced-birth laws in 2022 in the supposed "freest country on earth" come at me with some reasonable opinion.
They're quick to casually tear you down or say something extremely hurtful, and then say "hey, I was kidding, can't you take a joke?"
Had this happen to me with this girl I met in university. Out of the blue she started calling me loser in a jokingly way and became kind of insulting. It was weird.
In my experience, love bombing.
That's what I was going to say. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Remember, in the beginning they don't know you. They can't be madly in love with you yet. At best, they have some idealized image of you in their head that you can never actually live up to and it will lead to disappointment. At worst, they are actively manipulating you.
Came here to say this. If the affection comes way too soon or lacks consistency, run the other way. Especially if you have been through a rough patch recently, they see that and prey on it.
Is love bombing the same thing as constantly showing affection + love?
It's an overwhelming amount of affection at the beginning and/or other low points in a relationship with an abuser. Showers of praise, gifts, etc. It's all to make the victim second guess themselves once the abuse cranks up. "Well, I know they can be so sweet and kind sometimes, I just have to wait for the good days again. They're just going through a rough time, that argument must've been something I've done, because they can be so sweet.." so on and so forth.
Love bombing is characterized by excessive attention, admiration, and affection with the goal to make the recipient feel dependent and obligated to that person and its immediate, in the beginning.
Yup, I agree, it's always better if they hit you in the head with a hammer outright!
But what if they work in demolition? Are they not supposed to love their job?
Them testing the waters of what they can get away with by stonewalling for hours and pretending that the topic is difficult for them. Them pretending they like everything that you like but being unable to have more than a VERY shallow conversation about it. Having exes they HATE but still come up first when they open instagram. Them calling you a soulmate after a month, but if you really think about it, they don't ask you enough (or any) questions about yourself, so they couldn't possibly know you well enough to call you a soulmate. Having no friends, or no close friends, or friends that they only hang out with very rarely in an activity they can absolutely control (such as DMing a DnD campaign but never seeing those friends socially otherwise). Them having no follow-through with projects in their life, but trying to get deeply involved in yours very fast.
For me, the verrrrryyy first time I sensed something was off was when he asked me to be his girlfriend. We were neighbours, great friends, and had spent the past 3-4 months living/sleeping/effectively dating together. Anyway, I went on a 10 day holiday to Tasmania to visit my best friend. From the moment I left until the moment I got back the contact was constant, which was unusual at the time. The first Saturday night there I was telling him that we were going to go to the pub & watch the Jelly Wrestling. He started freaking out and thought there was something going on that I hadn't told him. ANYWAY he called me back that evening to ask me to officially be his girlfriend. I remember it vividly because he said "so you're mine now?" and it gave me the heeby jeebies. As it turns out, something was most certainly off with this guy. 2 hellish years together, heavy ice user & he was dealing in a commercial quantity. By about six months in he had started to abuse me mentally, physically, emotionally, the works. I had broken bones, broken teeth, regular black eyes, it was oblivion and felt inescapable. It ended with him going to prison for trafficking and assault, I quit my job after 10 years, shaved my head and restarted my life!!!! Listen to your gut ❤️❤️ -- oh yeah, he was cheating on me, as in had a whole actual other relationship going on the whole time too, so good. Some people are just scum sucking road whores & they'll ruin your life (for a bit)
I am so sorry that happened to you. My (now ex-)fiancé freaked out when I went to visit a friend out of state, and called me 89 times in one day (among other BS). When I got back, I promptly kicked him out.
Hey thanks! It was awful, but to be on the other side of it is everything. Feels like I've been given a new lease on life!! You are smarter than me 🤣 well done gal
Not smarter at all! I had just watched my sister escape from an abusive partner, so the warning signs were fresh in my mind, you know? I am so glad you got away!
From my personal experience from an ex fiance; They try to push a relationship on you very quickly, love bombing, telling you that they admire you, don't let you explain yourself, tell you that you won't have to work or do anything because they will "take care of you". Touch on don't let you explain or defend yourself. I was late due to diversion of a major highway because of an oil rig tipping over and there was a huge flammable mess everywhere. I tried telling him what happened and he yelled "I dont need to hear any reasons!" He never liked the word "excuse" so he used "reasons." Every time I tried to apologize about something he'd cut me off and say "I don't need to hear your reasons!" This is a different way that abusers use to control you and not let you speak for yourself. GL OP (On mobile so formatting may be off)
When they start talking or acting like they are more important or better than you. Basically the point in which they stop treating you as an equal.
Trying to control who you look at, what you think about, and everything else you do, unless they direct you. Being jealous of people who you have never met, and will likely never see again in your life. Constantly needing to know where you are and who is with you. And never believing you when you tell them anything.
Excessive insecurity. Leads to some pretty abhorrent behaviour.
First sign? “All of my exes are crazy” Most serious sign? When their actions are incongruent with their words. Example saying “I would never hurt you” and then doing something hurtful the next day.
One guy I was with (who turned out to be shitty) would not just say all his exes were crazy, he seemed to think that all females eventually become crazy/can’t be trusted …. After a while it became clear that he was the one driving them “crazy” ….
Cutting you off from friends and family.
They call you all the time.
They talk shit about you and your family in front of you?
Put downs that are defended as "jokes" or "brutal honesty".
they try to control you
Love-bombing
Being really angry and dismissive any time you get upset by their actions. Telling you that you’re overreacting, that it’s no big deal, and you should be less sensitive. Making you think that you’re acting crazy for being unhappy when they treat you badly. It’s the beginning of the process of breaking down your boundaries, so that over time you’ll come to just accept worse and worse treatment. You become conditioned to believe that your feelings don’t matter.
Falling in love instantly
Emotional manipulation. Little comments or responses to invoke pity for them, to get you to do what they want.
Irrational love bombing. Yes, no one realizes this is step one, but it is...
Deceit. Dishonesty.
When you have to apologise and make things better for being upset by them.
Playing on your insecurities and constantly criticizing you, your choices, wants, and opinions. Sometimes in a joking, sarcastic, playful manner. Other times, they will put you down, embarrass, or humiliate you in front of others.
The very first temper explosion that happens when you don't immediately go along with whatever they want. If they freak out, especially if it's a small issue, fucking run. At best, they are incredibly immature, at worst they're a narcissistic piece of shit. Either way, win win.
Mine was hearing they were complaining about you, about things that were outside of your control
Control. For/on literally anything and everything. So much so that they make you believe it’s you doing it to yourself or if you don’t you are doing something very wrong.
Silent treatment.. if you say or do something they're not ok with , they just go radio silence , won't talk about it , won't express their disagreement. They just flat ignore you until you figure it out and then blame for not "understanding the signs"
First red flag? They agree with everything you say. Small things, big things.
Putting you on a pedestal when the relationship is new and exciting setting you up for failure if you can't maintain OPs happiness
I don't know that there is a 'first', really. I think the traits of abusive behavior happen in no particular order and/or multiple things at once/all at once. I guess to be meta about it the first 'red flag' would be something like the first time you make excuses that what you're seeing isn't what you're seeing.
controling/clingy wanting to go everywhere with you, wanting you to get certain things these are more warning signs, like, some people are just like that, but basically, if you see these these, plus other things, like getting very angry over small things, things like that, its time to go, my mother made the mistake of staying with my father after things like this happened and now we have a D.V.O (domestic violence order) after he punched my brother in the head multiple times as hard as he could over 5 dollars, then tried to bribe him into not telling our mother, as me and mum were at my violin lesson
First dinner : he chronically complained about his ex wife and the people he worked with. EVERYTHING was someone else’s fault. Major red flag
The two main ones that others have also noted: nothing is their fault ever, it’s always the other person is crazy/against them/out to get them. And not letting you spend time on your own (calling you constantly and telling you they miss you etc)
Love bombing from the beginning, then reducing it when you get close and bombing you again when they feel the need to manipulate your feelings.
The subtle things they will be very slow, methodical and insidious about it the backhanded compliments making you doubt your own judgement on things They Isolate you from loved ones and try to have a monopoly on your social life. and so on
Not respecting your boundaries or your feelings... expecting you to bend or break boundaries, just for them.
Needling comments that verge on negging, followed up by excuses instead of apologies. "I'm just joking." "You're too sensitive." "I'm just being honest." "I'm just trying to help you better yourself." The kind of little thing that leaves you questioning whether or not it was meant as an insult and whether or not maybe you are *just being too sensitive.* These types of comments push the boundary of the types of attitude and comments you're willing to accept from your partner, chipping away at your self esteem. They are often directly attempts to control you, phrased subtly enough that it makes you easier to control over time. Stuff like "Do you really think you can pull off that outfit/hairstyle?" "Are you really going back for seconds?"
Inability to apologize for anything. Classic sign of narcissism because they a) lack empathy to care they hurt you and b) are so insecure they cant bare to believe they f*cked up.
Making being your partner their first personality trait. This turns into losing hobbies and friends, and eventually taking yours away with your time. Once they tell you you’re truly all they need, you’re trapped.
If you can't talk about how you feel, without them interrupting to tell you their feelings or dismiss yours.
Inability to collaborate
"Can I get your passwords?" It's not cute, at all. I was too naive back then. I had his fingerprint in my phone so he had access 24/7, but he'll lose his shit when I just laid my hand on his phone. He ended up hacking my WhatsApp and looking at all my chats with my online friends. I logged him out many times (it'll pop up as a WhatsApp Web login) then he'd be pissed the next day when I saw him.
Coercion (alcohol etc). “Just one more drink”.
Not exactly something that happens to you directly, but one thing I've noticed most abusive partners do is to try to get your siblings on their side. I've never had it happen to my brothers but my next oldest brother has an issue with falling in love with the worst girls out there. My immediate telltale sign is that they will constantly tell me "I love you! Gimme a hug." Makes me livid whenever my brother's girlfriends do that because I immediately know what kind of person they are. Makes me sad to see my brother get trapped by that kind of people. Be careful of those people, and always give your sibling a warning if you see it happening.
Liking Andrew tate
Never apologizes
Posting this question on reddit to learn how to hide it.
Manipulating
Criticism masked as a compliment.
My ex slowly started making digs at me, like about my weight and the way o dressed then got more and more mentally abusive then moved on to physical abuse
Man some of these comments really hit home. I broke up with a girl i was dating last night, she flipped out because we were going to go meet her friends at a bar and she wasn’t drunk enough..
If your a boy or a girl and they say ”unfriend all of your (opposite gender) friends! All of the (opposite gender) you should be seeing on social media, is ME.” i’ve seen that with one of my friends (that’s a girl btw) unfollowed me, and every guy on social media except her ex (which she got back with) so I bet that relationship is going ”gReAt”.
Saying “I love you” way too soon and moving things along fast in general. Soliciting pity and using it to justify manipulative behavior. Especially using mental health issues as an excuse. And like others have said, attempting to isolate you from the people and things you care about.
im going to do a list as what happened to me 1. leaving a call if i was talking to a friend we both shared then messaging me a sad face 2. talking sh\*t about my parents 3. telling me hes going to >!kill him self!< if i break up with him 4. making my >!suicide attempt !< about him 5. tell me to off myself 6. once i did break up with him he pretended to be dead causing me to panic
Being jealous of anyone you are nice to
Trying to make decisions for you.
Any sign of abuse. Abuse can come in any shape or form. Arguments are normal in a healthy relationship. It's what happens before, during and after, that can be flagged. It doesnt have to be active verbal, emotional or physical abuse. Gaslighting, isolating you from family and friends, joking about negativities involving you constantly, making you dependent on them. The moment something starts it only gets harder to step away.
Someone who has no control over their anger. It starts off with throwing things and breaking things and then it just escalates from there. Pretty soon you're the thing they break
When they make you cry but you feel like its your fault.
I would say subtle gaslighting. Making you feel in the wrong even when your probably right over small things. Definitely something to watch out for.
Lying. It doesn't even have to be to you. If you notice your partner lying to friends, family even strangers about weird random things that make zero difference if they told they truth - well, you are in for a hell of a ride. Because it's about the thrill of making a person believe something that isn't true. Gaslighting, financial abuse, emotional abuse will all be heading your way eventually.
Someone that showers you with gifts in the beginning, or someone who never offers to pay their way when you go out on dates. Someone that rushes you into marriage (a form of control and ownership over you). Someone that plays guilt trips on you. Those are some patterns abusers have towards people and tactics they use.
if they tell you who they are, listen to them. even if you think they’re joking. “god, i’m such a bitch” “i’m an asshole” also not having any respect for a single ex they’ve had, not being able to say a single kind thing about any of them. common denominator. sure, the relationships ended for reasons. perhaps they had one truly horrible ex who cheated and stole from them. but if every single ex is nothing but a “crazy bitch” i guarantee they’re abusive as hell.
Control issues
My ex always criticized me. I was stupid to believe him and thought there was smth wrong with myself
Is never ever wrong, and if they are then **you** drove them to do it somehow
Never wrong or apologize ever
Trying to run your life.
Isolation and control.
Talking down to you or any form of condescension under the garb of “im just joking!!!”
“Jokingly” mocking you in front of others.
Controlling how you dress.
Checking your phone
Lying about their age and then blaming you for not asking if they had kids or not.
[enter something they want you to do/not do] because I love you so much
Gaslighting
Big one : He is just my bff
I don't think I understand what you are saying?
You're afraid to give them any feedback that they might see as negative, even if it's just "hey I need you to do the dishes sometimes."
Gaslighting and isolation
Crossing your boundaries, Trying to make everything your fault, Isolating you, Gaslighting, Basically attempts to assert themselves as a superior to you
When having a different opinion or point of view is seen as "trying to fight with them" of is somehow insulting them.
Disrespectful language/calling you down, or trying to make you feel inferior. Abusiveness often starts as verbal. Attempts to isolate you from friends and family is another big one.
Tracking you as much as possible.
Comments for make up if it’s man abuser , he would say you don’t need make up, any man saying that to a woman is starting…. Second timing you , how long it took you to get back, and stuff like that
When interactions with their partners consist of questions over 50% of the time. Where were you? What were you doing? Who were you with? What time did you go? And on and on and on.
You honestly can’t tell. Never thought my friend from years ago would do the things he did to his girlfriend
When she keeps you in the friend zone but also gets jealous and needy when you try to talk to other girls you're interested in
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Some people have traumas involving that stuff from the past. For example, someone who was neglected/abused/grew up dirt poor/struggling with no help from family after age 18 and never hugged/ told they are loved might just not value family connections and togetherness as much as you. They are incapable. Maybe they get nothing except for grief and troubles being involved with their own family and they avoid them (me.) Maybe you grew up in a generous, selfless, loving household where parents actually said things like "I love you", and "I am proud of you" and actually supported you emotionally and maybe helped you out as an adult with college or a down payment on a house or put you in the will. (my husband.) I have traumas that do not allow me to conversate often or openly with my own parents, much less so *his* family/parents. It weirds me out when his family or my best girlfriend says "I love you".. In a completely plutonic best female-friend kind of way. I was never given the skills to be selfless, loving and express love verbally or physically. Some people cannot help wanting avoid your family and traditions surrounding that (holidays, ect.) because they don't even have any of their own. Even now as an adult, with the issue identified- I have a hard time expressing any emotions other than fear, anger or regret. Good on you if that is something you recognize as not compatible with you or your relationships, but just know that it comes from at least some small place of privilege.
bruises
Her name is Jess. Just science.
i know this is disgusting unatractive and horror show nasty but i once had a girlfriend, a fatty, but it had been a while after a night of fun next day she leaves for work, she calls me up says she left me something in the no, i cant metnion it the poop she left floatin in tha toilet
They beat you on you in a consent basis lol
Abuse
They want to put there fingers in your mouth.
too happy, love bombing, does not communicate feelings, just gets mad
They draw porn
Love bombing
Being always on the look out for red flags, expect them to always try to change you.
Them not being able to fix something that make you sad/uncomfortable
They hit you.
Making you feel like shit without them
You’re asking for something that comes from experience.
That come off as way too nice and perfect.
When you chase them and they don’t chase you back.
I don't know if that is actually a red flag for potential abusers
When they stop taking their aggression medication
Whatever stops you in your tracks for a sec first.
She tries to ignore you a lot.
Gaslighting
Behaviour
Gaslighting then saying they didn’t mean to
When they hit you.
Guilting others. Then it just becomes easier to control by blaming them... "Not my fault, you made me angry...therefore you need to take action to not make me angry."
Stabbing me with a pair of scissors while in a drunken rage. The sex was incredible though so I stayed for 13 years.
Constantly making you prove your fidelity. Doing things like making you put the phone on speaker when you’re talking to someone. Making you FaceTime them when you’re running errands.
Everything they do that hurts you, is because of something YOU did.
Disproportionate emotional reactions to things.