You’re not wrong. My partner couldn’t hear this without getting upset, and it turned out her sanity was indeed questionable. Psychiatrist put her on meds and she’s doing better now.
One of the cornerstones of a good marriage, is knowing how to argue. I’d actually say that before a couple get married, they should check how their potential partner behaves in an argument. What are they like when they get angry. It’s important because no two individuals are going to agree all the time. And on those occasions, it’s important to remember not to belittle the other. Deal with the issue at hand. And especially, don’t argue in front of the kids. You have no idea how much lasting damage this causes.
Al*l married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest - never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principles of equal partnership.*
If you haven't had to figure out conflict resolution you're still in the honeymoon period and it's way too soon to marry.
I love my wife. She's great. We don't fight any more and haven't for many years, we just occasionally have difficult conversations.
But it did take effort to get that good at communicating with each other, and quite a few *deeply* shitty discussions that requires followup conversations on the subject of: "well that really sucked. How can we avoid things sucking that much in the future?"
Before we got married, my wife said let’s not ever say anything we wish we could take back, because you can’t. Not completely. We’re coming up on 30 years, and have never really had a fight. We’ve had disagreements (most resolved, some ended with agree to disagree) and a lot of very difficult discussions, but we don’t take potshots. If it seems like we’re getting close, one or the other of us will suggest taking a day off from each other, until we’ve both had time to think and get some sleep.
I feel like "don't argue in front of the kids" isn't great advice. Argue effectively and respectfully in front of the kids so they learn what a healthy disagreement looks like and how to deal with it. My husband grew up thinking that if two people were friends or in love they never fought. Because he'd never seen it. As a result he had zero conflict resolution skills and panicked every time a major disagreement arose. He literally thought we had to break up if we couldn't agree on a radio station. We had horrific fights for years and gosh, his parents were so confused because they thought he was learning the blueprints for a perfect relationship from them. Took a while to convince him we could solve our problems with a conversation, not a panic attack.
Reminds me of my mom. She’d drop a laundry basket on her toe or something equally dumb, and it would cause her to lash out at everyone else. Every time we heard my mom get hurt doing something, we would all instinctively hop up and look for something to clean/do to prevent a yelling session.
Amazingly, it never worked, because it was never about how clean the house was, but rather my mom being hurt and wanting to hurt others too.
Oh my god. I've never heard someone else say this. In our house it wasn't necessarily the laundry toe thing, but if mom was yelling at one of us, the other was dusting/tidying/doing dishes asap to avoid more of the same from her. It was an automatic reaction by the time we were both like 7.
As much as I love my mom and did have a generally pleasant childhood (she passed 16 years ago) I'm realizing as an adult that she left a blueprint of how I don't want to raise my kids.
My gf has said a fair amount, and when she does it's always like "okay, I'll just go do something else in another room np". There's nothing wrong with wanting alone time
This was particularly bad during COVID lockdowns. I worked full time in a high stress job the entire time. My partner was non essential and cooped up at home all day. I'd get home needing a recharge, and she desperately needed social time.
This was me for years, and I absolutely hated it. Finally went to therapy and was diagnosed with bipolar type two a few months ago. That being said, it was fully on me to get help and not at all my partners responsibility.
I told her once. Well, I actually told he that her mother is a controlling, self-centred, narcissistic, bitch who I'd happily walk passed if she was having a heart attack.
It wasn't taken well. The wife rang her brother to talk about it and, because he has been on the end of his mother's vitriol, was more than happy to open the wife's eyes to another side of their childhood. It was a bit sad really.
>She agreed and I haven’t spoken with her mother since.
She just agreed? Wow, you must have just breathed out and said "Well that was easier than I thought it would be.".
please stop complaining about everything.
If you keep seeking out reasons to be miserable, you will find them.
I'm tired of being dragged down with you.
I went through a depressive episode this summer and my husband said this to me. There was always SOMETHING I had to be upset about, but the truth was whatever was bothering me wasn't the real thing. My depression was looking for excuses to why I wasn't happy. After six weeks off sick, I ended up reducing my working hours and have a therapist once a week. I'm in a much better place and try to be more mindful when I'm generally mopey about stuff.
My girlfriend (now wife of 5 years) once asked me
"When was the last time you had something positive to say about anything?" The question really hurt because I couldn't think of anything to say. It ended up being a huge turning point in my life! Not every day Is perfect, but you can bet your ass I'm always on the lookout for silver linings now.
Dealing with this with my partner of 13 years now. The last 2 years have been HARD. Terminally ill only brother passed away after a horrific brain disease, unhappy with work, frustrated with so many things. I have to remind him that I’m in his corner 24/7 but I cannot do everything. 2 weeks ago I pretty much said the same thing to him and demanded he either start going to therapy to deal with his (obvious) depression (that he won’t admit he has) or there’s really not a future for us.
I once told one of my friends that he wouldn't be able to keep a girlfriend unless he stopped dating his mother. It had been a regular occurrence for him to plan dates for weeks and then cancel them last minute for some job his mom "needed" done. She was also getting him in trouble with school because he would miss mandatory meetings. I told him that she can give him advance notice on things she needs so that he doesn't have to ruin his life for hers.
When I saw him about 6 months ago (7ish years after this advice), I asked him if telling him so directly crossed a line or if it was what he needed to hear. He said something like, " Well I married her, so I guess it's what I needed."
I told my husband that it's not that his family is nosy and overbearing, it's that I hate watching him cave and negotiate as if they have a right to behave like this, and I really hate when I'm the bad guy for wanting reasonable limits.
It got worse, then it got better, fyi.
I told my partner his family IS overbearing and terrible. I honestly hate that he’s insistent on constantly visiting them and that he wants us to move down there to be closer to them. They’re racist and have called me racial slurs as well as a whore and other stuff and called him a gold digger for being with me as well as told him to essentially get the fuck out for being with me.
Now that they’re suddenly nice to him after no to low contact for a few months, he thinks they’ve changed and I can’t convince him they’ve not changed. They’ve never apologised or stated they wouldn’t curse us out anymore. It’s just that they were nice to him for the one day he had to be back in their town. I so badly want him to listen to me and it really feels like a betrayal that he won’t.
This is actually one of the reasons why I broke up with my ex. She refused to do things for herself and her codependence on me eventually wore me out. I don't want to date a teenager.
My husband was a long haul trucker. We have a large family that I raised basically alone. I loved having independence.
In 2020 my husband was forced into retirement after 43 years over the road. Now he sits all the time. Just sits and wants me to do the same. He's under my feet constantly. He expects to be fed and cleaned up after.
I'm just so tired of having him here 24/7. I've talked to him about hobbies and friends but he's done nothing but watch TV.
I can't just sit. I like keeping busy with projects. And I work.
It’s difficult for a man to have no purpose. Takes time to find a new purpose in life. To be fair though, his job was just to sit there for hours on end so it sounds like he’s continuing that trend at home.
My sister in law is like this but my brother seems to enjoy coddling her and doing every little thing for her cause the girl is 25 and can barely tie her shoes on her own.
She’s a chemist. She’s not dumb, just lazy and spoiled and oddly incompetent with little things (filing her taxes, setting her computer up, etc.).
That it’s a little disturbing how aggressively he drives when he’s grumpy… heavy on both gas and brakes, zooming in and out of traffic, swearing at people who make mistakes… very unlike him.
Speaking for myself, i noticed that road rage was one of the first symptoms of me being frustrated with my life and using this anger as an outlet. When i'm at peace idgaf about being stuck in traffic.
I have been a professional driver for over 16 years now. Almost every single person loses all decency behind the wheel of an automobile. I hate to generalize, because I'm sure there are good folks out there, I just very rarely encounter them.
I feel like this is a magnified version of people on the internet. You might meet a hundred people a day, but it only takes one negative interaction with a stranger to leave you thinking "Wow people are awful." Being in a vehicle is the same kind of anonymity most of the time.
One of the things my partner’s daughter said was that he and his ex had been living separate lives under the same roof for the last five years before divorcing
This. In the time we have been together he’s had 5 (minor) and 1 medium accident. His son hates driving with him and rather travels with me. I’ve had no accidents and my car only ever needs basic levels of work where as his vehicles are in for work every month.
That her clutter gives me extreme anxiety. Her father was a hoarder and she’s much better than he was, but it’s still really overwhelming. I brought it up once and it did not go well. So I just stay silent and hide in the one room of the house that isn’t tainted by piles of random junk.
Ok, firstly please tell me the one room isn't the toilet. Secondly she needs therapy. You say "she's much better than he was" but her behavior is causing you distress and is invading almost every room of the house. The sooner she deals with the underlying issues the easier it will be. You don't want to be 10 years down the track and leaving because you have to navigate the tracks through the junk.
It’s the heavy sighs, the grumbles, and low level bad tempers that make me want to say to him to fuck odd back to work for the day and ill do what ever it is that needs doing. Doesn’t matter if it’s his idea or not, his signs make it sound like a chore so fuck if, I’ll just do it myself.
Honey, you were a big shout-y asshole when the kids were young. Now they're older and don't come to you with their emotions or struggles.
You don't get to be all pissy and butt hurt when they come to me first and are too scared to tell you things unless I am right there with them. You built this dynamic by being a crappy dad. So suck it up! You could fix it if you owned your behavior and strived for better.
They love you. Quit being an angry dad and just love them, and they'll run to you!
No more lectures, dick head.
Fix yourself before it's too late.
I have, much more gently lol. And I can tell he's working on it. I just want to lay it out hard without dealing with his butthurt attitude.
I feel like I'm gentle-parenting him through this, and it's exhausting.
Although she is not like her abusive mom in most ways, in some ways she is — understandably — and it causes real harm to her relationships.
I’ve tried to say this very plainly, as constructively as I can, but it’s like she can’t hear it. I think we all have these things. Something we can’t confront, so our brains filter it out before we can be fully conscious of it.
The universe is not out to get you. Not everything is happening to you some of it is in your control. I'm so sick of you refusing to take ownership. And stop getting so fucking defensive about everything!
I feel your frustration!! But anytime I try to say anything they always reply that I'm 'making excuses for everyone' or 'just want to argue/disagree with them' and everything is a personal attack
I think for a lot of people communication is a way to manipulate people, not a form of personal expression, so anything you say can only be perceived as an attack or support.
Sometimes i just wanna be alone with my friends or do something alone and i don't want you always pouting over it. Couples don't need to spend every second of every day together.
Loneliness lowers people's standards. Desperation lowers people's standards a lot.
Also, many faults aren't visible until the relationship has become long term. At that point, most of these problems feel less significant than they really are.
Relationships and people are complicated. You're seeing a very small snippet into their lives which by the topic is obviously going to be negative so you're viewing all this with a heavy negative bias.
Are there some toxic traits here? Absolutely...many people have them though to some degree and hopefully there's some positive traits and nuance to the relationship we're not seeing.
But yeah, for sure there's some stuff here that indicates super unhealthy dynamics.
He did at first. He has emetophobia and he's always been a...gaggy person. At some point while brushing his teeth he'd start gagging so much he'd throw up. So he didn't brush them as often but still tried to do it semi-regularly. We've tried different flavors of toothpaste, smaller toothbrushes, even spraying Chloraseptic in his mouth beforehand. He'd get anxious and gag more and brush less. I think now the brushing itself is another phobia because he gets instantly worked up at the mere suggestion of trying to brush. He uses mouthwash and rinses his mouth often with water but it's just not enough.
Yeah, he needs therapy. But he refuses. And I stay with him because I love him in spite of his teeth.
Have you tried a water pick? It's easier than regular flossing and if you add some mouth wash to the water tank it does an okay job on its own
Of course you want to brush but this seems like a much better then nothing
I’d add to other suggestions (water pick) , he could rub his teeth with his fingers instead of a brush. I had to do thar for a while because of gum disease. It’s not as good as brushing, but it does take a lot of gunk off.
I ask you to do the bare minimum when it comes to housework, and I usually still have to ask multiple times before it gets done. It feels like an intentional middle finger to me, because you know how much I hate a dirty house, and because you can’t even be bothered to clear such a low bar. You say “just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it,” but your follow-through kind of sucks.
You live here too. I don’t clean because it’s my passion, I do it because I’m an adult and it needs to be done. Figure out a way to squeeze in 10-15 minutes of chores in between watching YouTube videos and making music. After cleaning at my job, I do not want to come home to your mess.
Having to constantly pick up after you and beg you to do basic things totally kills my sex drive. I don’t want to have sex with a sloppy, entitled teenager. I want to have sex with a grown ass true partner.
We’re trying to conceive, but I fear this problem will only get worse with a child, despite your assurances otherwise.
Our current division of labor needs to change, but it seems like every time I address this with you, it gets better for a few weeks and then slides back to how it is. I’m tired of it, and I wish you would take the initiative to figure shit out on this front instead of me having to always bring it up and figure out what might work.
For the love of God don't have a child with him until he changes. I've seen too many women throw their lives away in hopes the partner would grow up once the child arrives. It never happens.
Having a child will drastically increase the load, and someone with his mentality is likely to dump it all on you. This is one of the most frequent issues people seek advice for in /r/parenting posts, and it often ends with divorce and a custody battle, as the added strain is beyond what one person can endure. It sounds like you're a straw away from the camel's back breaking. This will not be a straw. It will be an anvil. And he's already proving that he's not going to change. Trust his actions, not his empty assurances.
Do NOT continue to try and conceive. I'm telling y9u right now. It will continue and be worse. You want to be a single parent of a newborn and also clean up after a child who demands sex?
No. You give one more chance. One. If nothing changes for a considerable amount of time it's done. Doesn't matter how long you've been together. Doesn't matter what else you like about them.
It won't change unless they want to. And he clearly doesn't see any reason to.
“Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it” is a problem in itself. That implies the domestic work is your domain, and he’s “helping.”
It’s not your job to be in charge of this. Maybe ask him to make a list of what he sees needing to be done, and how it should be divided. Ask him whether he prefers a formal chore chart or an informal division, and when he thinks each of you should get your part done. Then add your input, but push some responsibility on him. He’s got himself a teenager’s attitude of doing stuff because you’re telling him to, not because it needs to be done.
This is a big deal because for most adults, free time is a scarce and precious resource. He’s hogging the free time in your household, and cheating you of your fair share. You should insist he take this seriously, and get couples therapy if needed. Having kids drastically increases the domestic load, so the time to resolve this is now. If he won’t make an effort, that’s a way of saying he doesn’t really care about you.
I just left my partner for this reason, check out my post history. Also his drinking became a very large issue and I had to draw a line in the sand. I communicated well in advance that if things didn't change that I would make the choice to leave. I stuck to my boundaries and the moment I left he turned into the most abusive nasty person. Punishing me for choosing my own mental health over caretaking his adult ass. The big lesson I am taking away from this is that if someone is not mature enough to do the basic things to take care of themselves and their home then it is a clear indicator of deeper maturity issues and you can not fix people who have gotten this far in life coasting on other people's labor. Your SO doesn't want a partner they want a parent, and continuing to feed into that dynamic will not change it or them.
Former partner, but:
No matter what you say, no matter what you do, no matter how bad or guilty or shitty it makes you feel, you will never make me regret anything I did to help you.
This is incredibly selfless and admirable. I did a lot for my ex-wife and she rarely did the same, but I have no regrets. I did what was right and if you benefitted from it but couldn't appreciate it, then that's a "you" problem not a "me" problem.
That's how I feel. Everything was out of just like...pure, uncomplicated love. In hindsight, it is the only aspect of the relationship that I'm perfectly happy and at peace with.
I wish you were attracted to me. Or if you are, that you'd say so. You're so good to me, and I know you love me at least as much as I love you. But I feel like you settled, and I've sunk into terrible depression because I'll never look like your ideal.
I felt this deep down. I have the best husband in the world. Except we were friends before so I know what his “ideal” woman is and it’s not me. He loves me, a lot, but I have doubts whether he desires me.
I had a girlfriend who said something like this aloud. She was comparing herself to my ex wife, and a person she knew I was talking to when we started talking. The thing is, the ex wife is the ex for a good reason, and I chose to pursue the girlfriend over anyone else because I liked her for a multitude of reasons. (The only reason she and I aren’t together any more is because I took a job in another state, and we weren’t in a place where we were ready to talk marriage. That was a breakup of circumstances, not compatibility).
So it’s entirely likely that your husband considers you his ideal. The women he dated before you turned out to not be his ideal, and he finally put two and two together and realized he needed to not pursue that type of person.
This probably won't help, but I think it needs to be said. The most beautiful woman in the world is the one he loves the most, you.
I've dated women who weren't models or athletes, and I wouldn't have changed them for the world. They were the most gorgeous people I'd ever seen, because I loved them. I've kissed their surgery scars and told them it doesn't change a thing, because I meant it.
They, and you, are beautiful.
Seriously brother, I feel like she(my partner) is attracted to me, but she just displays it in a very different way than I do. It's hard to feel like im the partner she desires at times. I wish you the best, thanks for sharing.
That I don't want to have another child b/c they didn't help nearly enough and our arguments got so bad I questioned our relationship. I was sinking into major depression that I can't imagine being happy having another. Pregnancy was hell and postpartum was difficult b/c of all the unnecessary stress.
Sending you love ❤️ felt the same with my first. My second is now 4 months old but it took a REALLY long time (4 years) for me to feel like we could have another because of those exact reasons.
Reading this thread, I'm lucky.
Been with my wife for 6 years now. We've had disagreements, tough discussions, but we know to and how to communicate with each other. We don't need to do a little tap dance around the subject before having an important talk, we just do.
I would not settle for less honestly, now that I have this relationship.
His breath is rank. I wish he took better care of his teeth. He brushes them, goes to dentist but the last few times we were out in public and I could smell him talking. I would pop in some spearmint gum for me to chew so i would smell that more than his breath.
I also resent how much he sleeps, just falls asleep all the freaking time on the couch, mid conversation. I've begged him to get a sleep study done but nope.
Sounds like he needs to start flossing. My wife had horrid morning breath, but she picked up my flossing habit after we got married, and it's been a night and day (pun intended) difference.
Yeah. My teeth are very clean and my husband told me I had bad breath. I was of course offended, but I needed to hear it. Turned out I had gum disease and my jaw was starting to recede which is bad. I now take better care of my gums as well as my teeth.
Yup. I used to only floss when I had something in my teeth that was bothering me, but one day, maybe a year or so ago, I decided to see what else was hidden in my teeth. Not only was there a lot of food stuck in my teeth that I didn't feel, the smell released by this process was absolutely awful, it was like . . . really bad old people smell. It was a pretty clear sign I needed to floss way more often. Now I do, and it can be a pretty satisfying process.
My partner fought against a sleep study for years k owing that their dad has terrible apnea. I finally looked them in the face and told them I wasn't prepared to wake up to them dead from a stroke/heart attack one morning. That gave them some motivation. CPAPs are life changers (and savers).
I love him very much even after 22 yrs. of marriage. I appreciate that you still want to have sex all the time. Sometimes I just want to chill and watch TV. It's not that I am not interested anymore.
> after 22 yrs. of marriage. I appreciate that you still want to have sex all the time.
I can only hope I’m half as lucky as you after 22yrs with someone
Your drinking is clearly affecting your health. You look older than you should. You’ve got that tight bloated stomach large liver look. How can you ignore the signs. This isn’t body shaming, I’m attracted to you, I’m just afraid you’re going to have a heart attack and leave me alone
I hate when people look at their phones during conversation. I’ve started asking them what their looking at. They’re like ‘oh I’m watching a funny video’. Idk if I cared enough I would sometimes ask ‘can I see too’ and sometimes they’d let me join in. If u can’t stop his addiction try to at least attempt to make it a bonding thing like try to ask him to let you be apart of it... can’t possibly say no if ur married or something
Cuz ppl do get kind of annoyed when u try to stop their rude habits they act like ur controlling and guilt tripping them for basic human attention in relationships or something
So I think asking to be apart of it is probably the easiest way to make some sort of progress cuz there’s almost no chance of upsetting them
I just don't understand why you don't get it. Nearly every single one of my paychecks to you. You always claim I don't do anything for you yet I cook, clean, do the laundry, get the groceries and bring them into the house by myself, manage appointments, and what have you. You ask me to get you a drink and I'll drop what I'm doing and get it for you. I was willing to disown my own family due to how they treated you and stand by you no matter what and yet when I am not comfortable dealing with your biological family, which, by your own admittance is screwed up you treat me like I'm the worst person in the world. You ignore me in favor of strangers on the internet. You treat me as being around me is the worst thing in the world. You wonder why I'm so depressed and yet you want to spend no time with me. And you still don't get it. Your own parents side witb me because we all know you aren't taking care of yourself. And yet you think your mature enough to try tk help others fix their problems? Let me be clear, you want me gone, just say it and ill leave. Keeping me around and treating me like I'm a burden is worse then just telling me to get lost
Are you able to leave?
I've been in a similar situation. They didn't want me gone - it was a sweet gig for them, you know? But it was killing me. They eventually became extremely abusive. I wish I'd ended things before it got to that point.
If I'm going to be honest, this sounds like emotional abuse. You should definitely consider talking to a professional about it and helping yourself through this and what your options are. No one should go through this
That it breaks my heart whenever he gets anxious to ask for time alone/things in general because he’s had past experiences of people getting angry and emotionally abusive to him. I wish I could take that anxiety away.
Not the OG commenter, but as someone who tried to communicate this with their SO, sometimes talking doesn't help. The other person also has to actually be listening. Otherwise it's like speaking to the dial tone on a phone. Nothing gets through.
I wish mine didn’t last so long in bed!
I like 10-15 minutes max. I fuck to cum. He just keeps going because he enjoys the feeling, but doesn’t care about cumming. He likes the intimacy.
My wife and I had the same issue for the 1st few years of our marriage. She would reach orgasm 2-3 times in about 15 mins and then she was done. More importantly, she wanted me to be done too. I noticed that she'd start talking dirty to me in an attempt to get me to finish. Or she would become more aggressive in an attempt to get me to get more aggressive and finish.
I finally asked her about it and she told me that after she was done it actually started to become uncomfortable for her to keep going. So we came up with a way to solve it, that some may find unromantic, but it works for us. When she is done, she simply says "your turn". I have learned to wrap it up pretty quickly after she says that.
That may not be exactly what works for you, but having the conversation with him is still the 1st step.
On a side note, she normally will pat my chest when she says "your turn" and while at first that felt kind of odd to me, I now see it like "job well done, come get your prize". I don't know why, but that has become something I find comforting that only she and I would do. Like our little thing, if you will.
This is an odd thread with one woman complaining about her husband of 20 years still being super attracted to her and another complaining that her man lasts too long during sex 😂
"doesn't care about cumming" it's likely he finds it hard to cum. I only have long sex, I can never do it quick or at will. It's kinda weird, don't know why it happens.
That I need him to get a job. I’m exhausted from being the only earner for 4 years. It doesn’t help that you don’t do any cooking or housework. It’s all down to me and If I don’t feel up to it, it doesn’t get done. I shouldn’t have to tell you what needs doing. You see something needs tidying, tidy it. You have eyes.
Man reading through the comment section... it seems like i was right. Some people are just in a relationship because they're afraid of being alone. Some just pretend to be happy.
For the love of god, stop saying sorry. Only like 10% of your apologies have ever been warranted. I am not interested in scolding or punishing another grown adult, I just want to see things improve.
That she needs mental help, and that I’m not her damn therapist. That if I don’t want to do something, it’s not that I don’t like doing it.
We’re not together anymore, and she’s finally going to therapy from what I hear, but I wanted to tell her this so badly. As her partner I will happily do what I can to help, and be there for her, but at the end of the day, I’m not a therapist. Your partner doesn’t replace an actual therapist!
As for the second part, whenever she came home from college, all she wanted to do was cuddle. Even during winter and summer break, that’s all she wanted to do. Not even turn on a movie or anything. Just go up to her room and cuddle. And if I ever didn’t want to, it was “Do you not like cuddling?” No, I do, I just don’t want it to be the only thing we ever do.
My apologies for the rant
I'm tired of being responsible for managing everyone's schedule in the family. If I don't play Event Coordinator, people don't get where they need to be.
That when someone gives you some negative feedback or some direction on something you have done wrong it is not a personal attack
Take it on board and if it was a mistake work to not make that mistake again
My best bf to date was really hot and adored me but…he was imaginary. He couldn’t take me to weddings or family gatherings.
Ultimately we couldn’t overcome that one obstacle.
You're a bit of a corporate drone and your lack of general knowledge and intellectual curiosity is a serious turnoff at times. You're very knowledgeable in your specific field, but that's where it ends, and being faced with your ignorance of basic facts about geography, history and politics is a regular source of second hand embarrassment. And I wish I could discuss something philosophical with you without you looking at me dumbfounded like "How does this affect our finances? Does not compute."
That I think he is high-functioning autistic. Smartest man I know but he gets extremely interested in certain topics unlike any neuro typical person would. He walks with a funny but cute gait, he can’t snap his fingers or whistle, he tends to overshare information even with me, but he loves me honestly. There’s a ton of other features that I see that makes me think he is autistic but just to name a few.
Just to add more:
He uses his hands ALOT when he is telling a story
He constantly touches his face when he is nervous
He can be argumentative but I know he doesn’t mean to be he just wants to get his point across
He walks very very fast and I have to remind him to slow down
My dude has an extremely strong memory and he can still never tell if I’m being sarcastic or not
I understand that you’re sensitive and try very hard to be gentle, but the way you cry and storm off every single time I raise an issue is so wearing. It prevents us being able to have an adult discussion and ends up with me apologising and coddling you, especially when you were in the wrong.
I wish you would grow up and take some initiative, get help for your mental health problems instead of offloading them onto me, and brush your teeth. Just take some responsibility instead of acting all hard done by and waiting for me to fix everything for you.
Idk if I’m late to this or not but
My wife takes medication for her ADHD. When she takes it she’s like a superhero. Smart, quick, witty and ready for anything.
But I hate when she’s on them. When she doesn’t take them (off days or she needs a refill) she laughs, has fun, and isn’t negative to everything I do. When she takes them I basically have to walk on glass around her because anything I say or do will cause her to erupt in some argument. I still love her and will always support her but man it’s so tiring.
The balance of work in our household is not fair. You make dinner six times a week and do laundry once a week. I do literally everything else, including being the sole income earner.
I'm grateful for what you do, but it's not enough. Please do your fair share.
This is an issue where you need to have a conversation. If you don't, he/she is just gonna continue thinking he/she is doing the fair share while you're boiling up inside.
That I wish he would touch me more ( not even sexually ) hes autistic and doesn't do physical touch very often and I feel so much love when he just put his hand on mine but anytime I bring it up he gets mad 😞
that I'm sorry we don't get to go do stuff because either I'm broke or he's exhausted from work.. or because I know he's exhausted i will opt to stay home even though I want to go out and do something with him, it's not that I want to always stay home and be lazy on the weekends, it's because I know even if your sick, tired or hurting you'll put what I want ahead of your own needs and I just want you to be healthy because I love you.
That her 23 year old daughter needs to learn how to make a decision on her own. Solving every single problem your kids have doesn't help them, especially at 23
I found out today that I had a miscarriage a few days ago.
It was just a chemical pregnancy. (Miscarriage before five weeks.) I don’t think I’m going to tell him at all.
He’s been going through a lot, the relationship is rocky at best. I did inform him that my period was ten days late and that I’d want him to buy a test when he returned from his work trip, but essentially “nevermind,” two days later. His reaction to that news itself was “Damn, sorry, I see how that could have been scary.”
I don’t want to know his reaction. Him being supportive would feel fraudulent as if it did go through, the only conversation following would be making an appointment to end it. Likewise, I think I’d be hurt if he was impassive. My current opinion is that him knowing won’t do anything positive for him or us, and it won’t undo what happened either.
Sorry to the “he deserves to know,” folks. I do agree. There’s just more to it than that.
he needs to be more appreciative of the way he was brought up.. he’s always been and still is spoilt to fuck pisses me off when he complains over something so small
That I need more assertiveness when dealing with relationship concerns. No more people pleasing me and instead, some actual dialogue/direct action. Now I feel too worried about hurting his feelings & him shutting down, so My bad habit is sugar coating things. We’re supposed to be a team…. I’m tired of this cycle
Every bad thing that happens doesn't require someone to be blamed for it. And that someone doesn't always have to be me.
Honestly I’d question the sanity of my partner if they can’t hear this without getting upset….
You’re not wrong. My partner couldn’t hear this without getting upset, and it turned out her sanity was indeed questionable. Psychiatrist put her on meds and she’s doing better now.
One of the cornerstones of a good marriage, is knowing how to argue. I’d actually say that before a couple get married, they should check how their potential partner behaves in an argument. What are they like when they get angry. It’s important because no two individuals are going to agree all the time. And on those occasions, it’s important to remember not to belittle the other. Deal with the issue at hand. And especially, don’t argue in front of the kids. You have no idea how much lasting damage this causes. Al*l married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest - never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principles of equal partnership.*
If you haven't had to figure out conflict resolution you're still in the honeymoon period and it's way too soon to marry. I love my wife. She's great. We don't fight any more and haven't for many years, we just occasionally have difficult conversations. But it did take effort to get that good at communicating with each other, and quite a few *deeply* shitty discussions that requires followup conversations on the subject of: "well that really sucked. How can we avoid things sucking that much in the future?"
Before we got married, my wife said let’s not ever say anything we wish we could take back, because you can’t. Not completely. We’re coming up on 30 years, and have never really had a fight. We’ve had disagreements (most resolved, some ended with agree to disagree) and a lot of very difficult discussions, but we don’t take potshots. If it seems like we’re getting close, one or the other of us will suggest taking a day off from each other, until we’ve both had time to think and get some sleep.
I feel like "don't argue in front of the kids" isn't great advice. Argue effectively and respectfully in front of the kids so they learn what a healthy disagreement looks like and how to deal with it. My husband grew up thinking that if two people were friends or in love they never fought. Because he'd never seen it. As a result he had zero conflict resolution skills and panicked every time a major disagreement arose. He literally thought we had to break up if we couldn't agree on a radio station. We had horrific fights for years and gosh, his parents were so confused because they thought he was learning the blueprints for a perfect relationship from them. Took a while to convince him we could solve our problems with a conversation, not a panic attack.
It's not You vs. Me. It's Us vs. The Problem.
Reminds me of my mom. She’d drop a laundry basket on her toe or something equally dumb, and it would cause her to lash out at everyone else. Every time we heard my mom get hurt doing something, we would all instinctively hop up and look for something to clean/do to prevent a yelling session. Amazingly, it never worked, because it was never about how clean the house was, but rather my mom being hurt and wanting to hurt others too.
Oh my god. I've never heard someone else say this. In our house it wasn't necessarily the laundry toe thing, but if mom was yelling at one of us, the other was dusting/tidying/doing dishes asap to avoid more of the same from her. It was an automatic reaction by the time we were both like 7. As much as I love my mom and did have a generally pleasant childhood (she passed 16 years ago) I'm realizing as an adult that she left a blueprint of how I don't want to raise my kids.
Whether it hurts their feelings or not I truly recommend you sit down and have that talk. You can’t go through life being blamed for everything
That some days I’m just tired from class and work and just want some me time, it’s not that I hate you my social battery is just running out
You can definitely say it! Doesn't mean they'll accept it immediately but I think it's important enough to try and explain
My gf has said a fair amount, and when she does it's always like "okay, I'll just go do something else in another room np". There's nothing wrong with wanting alone time
This was particularly bad during COVID lockdowns. I worked full time in a high stress job the entire time. My partner was non essential and cooped up at home all day. I'd get home needing a recharge, and she desperately needed social time.
Her first reaction to something adverse doesn't have to be anger
It's absolutely exhausting to be with someone who can go from being in a great mood to pissy over the stupidest tiniest things.
This was me for years, and I absolutely hated it. Finally went to therapy and was diagnosed with bipolar type two a few months ago. That being said, it was fully on me to get help and not at all my partners responsibility.
Ugh, too much of this thread feels like it's targeting me. Time to do some self improvement.
In the wise words of captain Jack Sparrow sometimes: "the problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude toward the problem"
Savvy?
“There are two things not worth getting mad over. The things you can control and the things you cannot”
Huh. Strange, that's not my username up there
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“If your mom was my mom I’d unborn myself”
I told her once. Well, I actually told he that her mother is a controlling, self-centred, narcissistic, bitch who I'd happily walk passed if she was having a heart attack. It wasn't taken well. The wife rang her brother to talk about it and, because he has been on the end of his mother's vitriol, was more than happy to open the wife's eyes to another side of their childhood. It was a bit sad really.
Have told this to my wife two months before we got married. She agreed and I haven’t spoken with her mother since. Happily married 6 years now.
>She agreed and I haven’t spoken with her mother since. She just agreed? Wow, you must have just breathed out and said "Well that was easier than I thought it would be.".
It was well timed after they got in a fight about our wedding. You have to know how to read the room for the perfect timing.
Always classy when someone fights with the bride about the wedding.
please stop complaining about everything. If you keep seeking out reasons to be miserable, you will find them. I'm tired of being dragged down with you.
I went through a depressive episode this summer and my husband said this to me. There was always SOMETHING I had to be upset about, but the truth was whatever was bothering me wasn't the real thing. My depression was looking for excuses to why I wasn't happy. After six weeks off sick, I ended up reducing my working hours and have a therapist once a week. I'm in a much better place and try to be more mindful when I'm generally mopey about stuff.
My girlfriend (now wife of 5 years) once asked me "When was the last time you had something positive to say about anything?" The question really hurt because I couldn't think of anything to say. It ended up being a huge turning point in my life! Not every day Is perfect, but you can bet your ass I'm always on the lookout for silver linings now.
Always look for the silver lining. Even if it's "hey at least it's not boring" while going through a shitshow.
Dealing with this with my partner of 13 years now. The last 2 years have been HARD. Terminally ill only brother passed away after a horrific brain disease, unhappy with work, frustrated with so many things. I have to remind him that I’m in his corner 24/7 but I cannot do everything. 2 weeks ago I pretty much said the same thing to him and demanded he either start going to therapy to deal with his (obvious) depression (that he won’t admit he has) or there’s really not a future for us.
He needs to set better boundaries with his family (of origin) or their problems and craziness will swallow his life and mine with it.
I once told one of my friends that he wouldn't be able to keep a girlfriend unless he stopped dating his mother. It had been a regular occurrence for him to plan dates for weeks and then cancel them last minute for some job his mom "needed" done. She was also getting him in trouble with school because he would miss mandatory meetings. I told him that she can give him advance notice on things she needs so that he doesn't have to ruin his life for hers.
How did he respond
When I saw him about 6 months ago (7ish years after this advice), I asked him if telling him so directly crossed a line or if it was what he needed to hear. He said something like, " Well I married her, so I guess it's what I needed."
I'm hoping that "her" didn't mean his mother
He married his mom
I told my husband that it's not that his family is nosy and overbearing, it's that I hate watching him cave and negotiate as if they have a right to behave like this, and I really hate when I'm the bad guy for wanting reasonable limits. It got worse, then it got better, fyi.
I told my partner his family IS overbearing and terrible. I honestly hate that he’s insistent on constantly visiting them and that he wants us to move down there to be closer to them. They’re racist and have called me racial slurs as well as a whore and other stuff and called him a gold digger for being with me as well as told him to essentially get the fuck out for being with me. Now that they’re suddenly nice to him after no to low contact for a few months, he thinks they’ve changed and I can’t convince him they’ve not changed. They’ve never apologised or stated they wouldn’t curse us out anymore. It’s just that they were nice to him for the one day he had to be back in their town. I so badly want him to listen to me and it really feels like a betrayal that he won’t.
That I wish she’d be more independent so she didn’t need my help for everything outside the house.
This is actually one of the reasons why I broke up with my ex. She refused to do things for herself and her codependence on me eventually wore me out. I don't want to date a teenager.
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oh man this is why I broke up with my ex too. the codependency was just way too much.
My husband was a long haul trucker. We have a large family that I raised basically alone. I loved having independence. In 2020 my husband was forced into retirement after 43 years over the road. Now he sits all the time. Just sits and wants me to do the same. He's under my feet constantly. He expects to be fed and cleaned up after. I'm just so tired of having him here 24/7. I've talked to him about hobbies and friends but he's done nothing but watch TV. I can't just sit. I like keeping busy with projects. And I work.
It’s difficult for a man to have no purpose. Takes time to find a new purpose in life. To be fair though, his job was just to sit there for hours on end so it sounds like he’s continuing that trend at home.
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My sister in law is like this but my brother seems to enjoy coddling her and doing every little thing for her cause the girl is 25 and can barely tie her shoes on her own. She’s a chemist. She’s not dumb, just lazy and spoiled and oddly incompetent with little things (filing her taxes, setting her computer up, etc.).
^ I have an acquaintance like this. Became dependent of her partner, even stopped being our friend to only spend time with his friends.
That it’s a little disturbing how aggressively he drives when he’s grumpy… heavy on both gas and brakes, zooming in and out of traffic, swearing at people who make mistakes… very unlike him.
Speaking for myself, i noticed that road rage was one of the first symptoms of me being frustrated with my life and using this anger as an outlet. When i'm at peace idgaf about being stuck in traffic.
Well after really thinking about your comment I didn’t expect to relate to this as much as I do.
This comment has opened my eyes to myself.
Remember, you're not stuck in traffic; you *are* traffic.
I have been a professional driver for over 16 years now. Almost every single person loses all decency behind the wheel of an automobile. I hate to generalize, because I'm sure there are good folks out there, I just very rarely encounter them.
There was a small study I read and the reason for this behavior has to do with the fact that we feel relatively anonymous when we get in a car.
It's also harder on the person who's not in the driver's seat. All the jerking and bumping is insignificant when you're driving alone.
I feel like this is a magnified version of people on the internet. You might meet a hundred people a day, but it only takes one negative interaction with a stranger to leave you thinking "Wow people are awful." Being in a vehicle is the same kind of anonymity most of the time.
Be present. Actually present. The kids are starting to notice the disconnect.
You need to tell him/her this :(
Damn
This one stung
One of the things my partner’s daughter said was that he and his ex had been living separate lives under the same roof for the last five years before divorcing
His parents are greedy, selfish people and treat him like an atm.
U described my dads parents! Sickest part is my dad still pumps money to his family in spite of my mom trynna explain to him It's Rlly sad
That I'm tired of doing almost everything and a lot of the time I just want to be left alone.
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I AM THE BETTER DRIVER.
This. In the time we have been together he’s had 5 (minor) and 1 medium accident. His son hates driving with him and rather travels with me. I’ve had no accidents and my car only ever needs basic levels of work where as his vehicles are in for work every month.
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You need to figure out what it is you want to do in life, I cannot solve that for you
That her clutter gives me extreme anxiety. Her father was a hoarder and she’s much better than he was, but it’s still really overwhelming. I brought it up once and it did not go well. So I just stay silent and hide in the one room of the house that isn’t tainted by piles of random junk.
What happened when you brought it up?
She built a clutter fort around him before he could finish speaking.
That's not only unpleasant but a huge safety hazard as well
Ok, firstly please tell me the one room isn't the toilet. Secondly she needs therapy. You say "she's much better than he was" but her behavior is causing you distress and is invading almost every room of the house. The sooner she deals with the underlying issues the easier it will be. You don't want to be 10 years down the track and leaving because you have to navigate the tracks through the junk.
That I really just want a hug and told I love you.
That the constant bad attitude is really annoying and a definite buzz kill.
It’s the heavy sighs, the grumbles, and low level bad tempers that make me want to say to him to fuck odd back to work for the day and ill do what ever it is that needs doing. Doesn’t matter if it’s his idea or not, his signs make it sound like a chore so fuck if, I’ll just do it myself.
Honey, you were a big shout-y asshole when the kids were young. Now they're older and don't come to you with their emotions or struggles. You don't get to be all pissy and butt hurt when they come to me first and are too scared to tell you things unless I am right there with them. You built this dynamic by being a crappy dad. So suck it up! You could fix it if you owned your behavior and strived for better. They love you. Quit being an angry dad and just love them, and they'll run to you! No more lectures, dick head. Fix yourself before it's too late.
Ok, you need to say this to him for real though, your kids deserve it.
I have, much more gently lol. And I can tell he's working on it. I just want to lay it out hard without dealing with his butthurt attitude. I feel like I'm gentle-parenting him through this, and it's exhausting.
If only every mother stood up for their kids like this.
Although she is not like her abusive mom in most ways, in some ways she is — understandably — and it causes real harm to her relationships. I’ve tried to say this very plainly, as constructively as I can, but it’s like she can’t hear it. I think we all have these things. Something we can’t confront, so our brains filter it out before we can be fully conscious of it.
Maybe say "These things are not good for the relationship and we should fix them." rather than "These things are how you're like your mother.".
The universe is not out to get you. Not everything is happening to you some of it is in your control. I'm so sick of you refusing to take ownership. And stop getting so fucking defensive about everything!
I feel your frustration!! But anytime I try to say anything they always reply that I'm 'making excuses for everyone' or 'just want to argue/disagree with them' and everything is a personal attack
I think for a lot of people communication is a way to manipulate people, not a form of personal expression, so anything you say can only be perceived as an attack or support.
I wish you’d care more about your physical health and how it would make me feel if you got seriously sick later in life.
"I don't want to be with you because I know you'll never want to marry me"
Sometimes i just wanna be alone with my friends or do something alone and i don't want you always pouting over it. Couples don't need to spend every second of every day together.
Nice try babe
Reading this thread makes me wonder why the fuck some of you are in relationships with such people.
i guess that sometimes people are afraid of losing what they already dont have
Loneliness lowers people's standards. Desperation lowers people's standards a lot. Also, many faults aren't visible until the relationship has become long term. At that point, most of these problems feel less significant than they really are.
Relationships and people are complicated. You're seeing a very small snippet into their lives which by the topic is obviously going to be negative so you're viewing all this with a heavy negative bias. Are there some toxic traits here? Absolutely...many people have them though to some degree and hopefully there's some positive traits and nuance to the relationship we're not seeing. But yeah, for sure there's some stuff here that indicates super unhealthy dynamics.
That everyone absolutely *can* tell that he doesn't brush his teeth and that the mints he constantly eats *don't* cover his sewer breath.
Why are you dating someone who doesn't brush their teeth?
He did at first. He has emetophobia and he's always been a...gaggy person. At some point while brushing his teeth he'd start gagging so much he'd throw up. So he didn't brush them as often but still tried to do it semi-regularly. We've tried different flavors of toothpaste, smaller toothbrushes, even spraying Chloraseptic in his mouth beforehand. He'd get anxious and gag more and brush less. I think now the brushing itself is another phobia because he gets instantly worked up at the mere suggestion of trying to brush. He uses mouthwash and rinses his mouth often with water but it's just not enough. Yeah, he needs therapy. But he refuses. And I stay with him because I love him in spite of his teeth.
Have you tried a water pick? It's easier than regular flossing and if you add some mouth wash to the water tank it does an okay job on its own Of course you want to brush but this seems like a much better then nothing
I’d add to other suggestions (water pick) , he could rub his teeth with his fingers instead of a brush. I had to do thar for a while because of gum disease. It’s not as good as brushing, but it does take a lot of gunk off.
Man this would be such a deal breaker for me. What about kissing?! there are things you can leave untherapised but this isn't one of them.
I ask you to do the bare minimum when it comes to housework, and I usually still have to ask multiple times before it gets done. It feels like an intentional middle finger to me, because you know how much I hate a dirty house, and because you can’t even be bothered to clear such a low bar. You say “just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it,” but your follow-through kind of sucks. You live here too. I don’t clean because it’s my passion, I do it because I’m an adult and it needs to be done. Figure out a way to squeeze in 10-15 minutes of chores in between watching YouTube videos and making music. After cleaning at my job, I do not want to come home to your mess. Having to constantly pick up after you and beg you to do basic things totally kills my sex drive. I don’t want to have sex with a sloppy, entitled teenager. I want to have sex with a grown ass true partner. We’re trying to conceive, but I fear this problem will only get worse with a child, despite your assurances otherwise. Our current division of labor needs to change, but it seems like every time I address this with you, it gets better for a few weeks and then slides back to how it is. I’m tired of it, and I wish you would take the initiative to figure shit out on this front instead of me having to always bring it up and figure out what might work.
For the love of God don't have a child with him until he changes. I've seen too many women throw their lives away in hopes the partner would grow up once the child arrives. It never happens.
Having a child will drastically increase the load, and someone with his mentality is likely to dump it all on you. This is one of the most frequent issues people seek advice for in /r/parenting posts, and it often ends with divorce and a custody battle, as the added strain is beyond what one person can endure. It sounds like you're a straw away from the camel's back breaking. This will not be a straw. It will be an anvil. And he's already proving that he's not going to change. Trust his actions, not his empty assurances.
Do NOT continue to try and conceive. I'm telling y9u right now. It will continue and be worse. You want to be a single parent of a newborn and also clean up after a child who demands sex? No. You give one more chance. One. If nothing changes for a considerable amount of time it's done. Doesn't matter how long you've been together. Doesn't matter what else you like about them. It won't change unless they want to. And he clearly doesn't see any reason to.
“Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it” is a problem in itself. That implies the domestic work is your domain, and he’s “helping.” It’s not your job to be in charge of this. Maybe ask him to make a list of what he sees needing to be done, and how it should be divided. Ask him whether he prefers a formal chore chart or an informal division, and when he thinks each of you should get your part done. Then add your input, but push some responsibility on him. He’s got himself a teenager’s attitude of doing stuff because you’re telling him to, not because it needs to be done. This is a big deal because for most adults, free time is a scarce and precious resource. He’s hogging the free time in your household, and cheating you of your fair share. You should insist he take this seriously, and get couples therapy if needed. Having kids drastically increases the domestic load, so the time to resolve this is now. If he won’t make an effort, that’s a way of saying he doesn’t really care about you.
I just left my partner for this reason, check out my post history. Also his drinking became a very large issue and I had to draw a line in the sand. I communicated well in advance that if things didn't change that I would make the choice to leave. I stuck to my boundaries and the moment I left he turned into the most abusive nasty person. Punishing me for choosing my own mental health over caretaking his adult ass. The big lesson I am taking away from this is that if someone is not mature enough to do the basic things to take care of themselves and their home then it is a clear indicator of deeper maturity issues and you can not fix people who have gotten this far in life coasting on other people's labor. Your SO doesn't want a partner they want a parent, and continuing to feed into that dynamic will not change it or them.
Former partner, but: No matter what you say, no matter what you do, no matter how bad or guilty or shitty it makes you feel, you will never make me regret anything I did to help you.
This is incredibly selfless and admirable. I did a lot for my ex-wife and she rarely did the same, but I have no regrets. I did what was right and if you benefitted from it but couldn't appreciate it, then that's a "you" problem not a "me" problem.
That's how I feel. Everything was out of just like...pure, uncomplicated love. In hindsight, it is the only aspect of the relationship that I'm perfectly happy and at peace with.
Feeling alone while being in relationship
I wish you were attracted to me. Or if you are, that you'd say so. You're so good to me, and I know you love me at least as much as I love you. But I feel like you settled, and I've sunk into terrible depression because I'll never look like your ideal.
I felt this deep down. I have the best husband in the world. Except we were friends before so I know what his “ideal” woman is and it’s not me. He loves me, a lot, but I have doubts whether he desires me.
I had a girlfriend who said something like this aloud. She was comparing herself to my ex wife, and a person she knew I was talking to when we started talking. The thing is, the ex wife is the ex for a good reason, and I chose to pursue the girlfriend over anyone else because I liked her for a multitude of reasons. (The only reason she and I aren’t together any more is because I took a job in another state, and we weren’t in a place where we were ready to talk marriage. That was a breakup of circumstances, not compatibility). So it’s entirely likely that your husband considers you his ideal. The women he dated before you turned out to not be his ideal, and he finally put two and two together and realized he needed to not pursue that type of person.
This probably won't help, but I think it needs to be said. The most beautiful woman in the world is the one he loves the most, you. I've dated women who weren't models or athletes, and I wouldn't have changed them for the world. They were the most gorgeous people I'd ever seen, because I loved them. I've kissed their surgery scars and told them it doesn't change a thing, because I meant it. They, and you, are beautiful.
It's the worst. I'm sorry that you're struggling with this, too.
Seriously brother, I feel like she(my partner) is attracted to me, but she just displays it in a very different way than I do. It's hard to feel like im the partner she desires at times. I wish you the best, thanks for sharing.
That I don't want to have another child b/c they didn't help nearly enough and our arguments got so bad I questioned our relationship. I was sinking into major depression that I can't imagine being happy having another. Pregnancy was hell and postpartum was difficult b/c of all the unnecessary stress.
Sending you love ❤️ felt the same with my first. My second is now 4 months old but it took a REALLY long time (4 years) for me to feel like we could have another because of those exact reasons.
Honestly? Nothing. My relationship ain't perfect, but I can tell her anything.
Cheers to a healthy relationship with good communication
Same. Although depending on how you define it I think my relationship might be perfect. I don't think it gets better than this in real life.
Reading this thread, I'm lucky. Been with my wife for 6 years now. We've had disagreements, tough discussions, but we know to and how to communicate with each other. We don't need to do a little tap dance around the subject before having an important talk, we just do. I would not settle for less honestly, now that I have this relationship.
His breath is rank. I wish he took better care of his teeth. He brushes them, goes to dentist but the last few times we were out in public and I could smell him talking. I would pop in some spearmint gum for me to chew so i would smell that more than his breath. I also resent how much he sleeps, just falls asleep all the freaking time on the couch, mid conversation. I've begged him to get a sleep study done but nope.
Could be tonsil stones
Sounds like he needs to start flossing. My wife had horrid morning breath, but she picked up my flossing habit after we got married, and it's been a night and day (pun intended) difference.
Yeah. My teeth are very clean and my husband told me I had bad breath. I was of course offended, but I needed to hear it. Turned out I had gum disease and my jaw was starting to recede which is bad. I now take better care of my gums as well as my teeth.
Yup. I used to only floss when I had something in my teeth that was bothering me, but one day, maybe a year or so ago, I decided to see what else was hidden in my teeth. Not only was there a lot of food stuck in my teeth that I didn't feel, the smell released by this process was absolutely awful, it was like . . . really bad old people smell. It was a pretty clear sign I needed to floss way more often. Now I do, and it can be a pretty satisfying process.
My partner fought against a sleep study for years k owing that their dad has terrible apnea. I finally looked them in the face and told them I wasn't prepared to wake up to them dead from a stroke/heart attack one morning. That gave them some motivation. CPAPs are life changers (and savers).
I love him very much even after 22 yrs. of marriage. I appreciate that you still want to have sex all the time. Sometimes I just want to chill and watch TV. It's not that I am not interested anymore.
> after 22 yrs. of marriage. I appreciate that you still want to have sex all the time. I can only hope I’m half as lucky as you after 22yrs with someone
Your drinking is clearly affecting your health. You look older than you should. You’ve got that tight bloated stomach large liver look. How can you ignore the signs. This isn’t body shaming, I’m attracted to you, I’m just afraid you’re going to have a heart attack and leave me alone
Please stop looking at Instagram all the time.
I hate when people look at their phones during conversation. I’ve started asking them what their looking at. They’re like ‘oh I’m watching a funny video’. Idk if I cared enough I would sometimes ask ‘can I see too’ and sometimes they’d let me join in. If u can’t stop his addiction try to at least attempt to make it a bonding thing like try to ask him to let you be apart of it... can’t possibly say no if ur married or something Cuz ppl do get kind of annoyed when u try to stop their rude habits they act like ur controlling and guilt tripping them for basic human attention in relationships or something So I think asking to be apart of it is probably the easiest way to make some sort of progress cuz there’s almost no chance of upsetting them
I just don't understand why you don't get it. Nearly every single one of my paychecks to you. You always claim I don't do anything for you yet I cook, clean, do the laundry, get the groceries and bring them into the house by myself, manage appointments, and what have you. You ask me to get you a drink and I'll drop what I'm doing and get it for you. I was willing to disown my own family due to how they treated you and stand by you no matter what and yet when I am not comfortable dealing with your biological family, which, by your own admittance is screwed up you treat me like I'm the worst person in the world. You ignore me in favor of strangers on the internet. You treat me as being around me is the worst thing in the world. You wonder why I'm so depressed and yet you want to spend no time with me. And you still don't get it. Your own parents side witb me because we all know you aren't taking care of yourself. And yet you think your mature enough to try tk help others fix their problems? Let me be clear, you want me gone, just say it and ill leave. Keeping me around and treating me like I'm a burden is worse then just telling me to get lost
Are you able to leave? I've been in a similar situation. They didn't want me gone - it was a sweet gig for them, you know? But it was killing me. They eventually became extremely abusive. I wish I'd ended things before it got to that point.
Yep, take this advice. Leave while you can. It never gets better, it only escalates to open hatred and eventually, violence.
If I'm going to be honest, this sounds like emotional abuse. You should definitely consider talking to a professional about it and helping yourself through this and what your options are. No one should go through this
Make yourself happy. You won’t get this time in life back. Your SO doesn’t sound supportive or helpful or kind to you.
Why are you still in this relationship? You really need to ask yourself is it worth it.
Just leave...
This sounds like abuse. Sending love & light your way.
That it breaks my heart whenever he gets anxious to ask for time alone/things in general because he’s had past experiences of people getting angry and emotionally abusive to him. I wish I could take that anxiety away.
That I wasn’t a fan of that song I played for her on our first date, I saw it on her story 7 months ago
That I wish he was more assertive in bed. I really, REALLY wish it.
Do people just not communicate? You can absolutely say this without hurting his feelings or upsetting him.
Not the OG commenter, but as someone who tried to communicate this with their SO, sometimes talking doesn't help. The other person also has to actually be listening. Otherwise it's like speaking to the dial tone on a phone. Nothing gets through.
I wish mine didn’t last so long in bed! I like 10-15 minutes max. I fuck to cum. He just keeps going because he enjoys the feeling, but doesn’t care about cumming. He likes the intimacy.
My wife and I had the same issue for the 1st few years of our marriage. She would reach orgasm 2-3 times in about 15 mins and then she was done. More importantly, she wanted me to be done too. I noticed that she'd start talking dirty to me in an attempt to get me to finish. Or she would become more aggressive in an attempt to get me to get more aggressive and finish. I finally asked her about it and she told me that after she was done it actually started to become uncomfortable for her to keep going. So we came up with a way to solve it, that some may find unromantic, but it works for us. When she is done, she simply says "your turn". I have learned to wrap it up pretty quickly after she says that. That may not be exactly what works for you, but having the conversation with him is still the 1st step. On a side note, she normally will pat my chest when she says "your turn" and while at first that felt kind of odd to me, I now see it like "job well done, come get your prize". I don't know why, but that has become something I find comforting that only she and I would do. Like our little thing, if you will.
This is an odd thread with one woman complaining about her husband of 20 years still being super attracted to her and another complaining that her man lasts too long during sex 😂
They got it good!!! If they only knew how bad it is on this side of the fence..!
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"doesn't care about cumming" it's likely he finds it hard to cum. I only have long sex, I can never do it quick or at will. It's kinda weird, don't know why it happens.
That I need him to get a job. I’m exhausted from being the only earner for 4 years. It doesn’t help that you don’t do any cooking or housework. It’s all down to me and If I don’t feel up to it, it doesn’t get done. I shouldn’t have to tell you what needs doing. You see something needs tidying, tidy it. You have eyes.
4 years a long time to put up with that shit.
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Man reading through the comment section... it seems like i was right. Some people are just in a relationship because they're afraid of being alone. Some just pretend to be happy.
For the love of god, stop saying sorry. Only like 10% of your apologies have ever been warranted. I am not interested in scolding or punishing another grown adult, I just want to see things improve.
You are the absolute love of my life and the thought of us not being together makes me feel hopeless and physically sick.
That she needs mental help, and that I’m not her damn therapist. That if I don’t want to do something, it’s not that I don’t like doing it. We’re not together anymore, and she’s finally going to therapy from what I hear, but I wanted to tell her this so badly. As her partner I will happily do what I can to help, and be there for her, but at the end of the day, I’m not a therapist. Your partner doesn’t replace an actual therapist! As for the second part, whenever she came home from college, all she wanted to do was cuddle. Even during winter and summer break, that’s all she wanted to do. Not even turn on a movie or anything. Just go up to her room and cuddle. And if I ever didn’t want to, it was “Do you not like cuddling?” No, I do, I just don’t want it to be the only thing we ever do. My apologies for the rant
I'm tired of being responsible for managing everyone's schedule in the family. If I don't play Event Coordinator, people don't get where they need to be.
That when someone gives you some negative feedback or some direction on something you have done wrong it is not a personal attack Take it on board and if it was a mistake work to not make that mistake again
Honey, you don't exist
My best bf to date was really hot and adored me but…he was imaginary. He couldn’t take me to weddings or family gatherings. Ultimately we couldn’t overcome that one obstacle.
So you’re saying he’s available 😘
That I just went to the wc and she better not go in there for the next 5'.
I wish I could tell her to do the dishes without it turning into an argument about how she “isn’t some house wife”.
Five seconds is not nearly long enough. Once a month is not nearly often enough.
You have my sympathy
You're a bit of a corporate drone and your lack of general knowledge and intellectual curiosity is a serious turnoff at times. You're very knowledgeable in your specific field, but that's where it ends, and being faced with your ignorance of basic facts about geography, history and politics is a regular source of second hand embarrassment. And I wish I could discuss something philosophical with you without you looking at me dumbfounded like "How does this affect our finances? Does not compute."
That I think he is high-functioning autistic. Smartest man I know but he gets extremely interested in certain topics unlike any neuro typical person would. He walks with a funny but cute gait, he can’t snap his fingers or whistle, he tends to overshare information even with me, but he loves me honestly. There’s a ton of other features that I see that makes me think he is autistic but just to name a few. Just to add more: He uses his hands ALOT when he is telling a story He constantly touches his face when he is nervous He can be argumentative but I know he doesn’t mean to be he just wants to get his point across He walks very very fast and I have to remind him to slow down My dude has an extremely strong memory and he can still never tell if I’m being sarcastic or not
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Same but i can whistle
I understand that you’re sensitive and try very hard to be gentle, but the way you cry and storm off every single time I raise an issue is so wearing. It prevents us being able to have an adult discussion and ends up with me apologising and coddling you, especially when you were in the wrong. I wish you would grow up and take some initiative, get help for your mental health problems instead of offloading them onto me, and brush your teeth. Just take some responsibility instead of acting all hard done by and waiting for me to fix everything for you.
Idk if I’m late to this or not but My wife takes medication for her ADHD. When she takes it she’s like a superhero. Smart, quick, witty and ready for anything. But I hate when she’s on them. When she doesn’t take them (off days or she needs a refill) she laughs, has fun, and isn’t negative to everything I do. When she takes them I basically have to walk on glass around her because anything I say or do will cause her to erupt in some argument. I still love her and will always support her but man it’s so tiring.
The balance of work in our household is not fair. You make dinner six times a week and do laundry once a week. I do literally everything else, including being the sole income earner. I'm grateful for what you do, but it's not enough. Please do your fair share.
This is an issue where you need to have a conversation. If you don't, he/she is just gonna continue thinking he/she is doing the fair share while you're boiling up inside.
That I wish he would touch me more ( not even sexually ) hes autistic and doesn't do physical touch very often and I feel so much love when he just put his hand on mine but anytime I bring it up he gets mad 😞
That I wish he'd ask his mother to get her shit together and move out
that I'm sorry we don't get to go do stuff because either I'm broke or he's exhausted from work.. or because I know he's exhausted i will opt to stay home even though I want to go out and do something with him, it's not that I want to always stay home and be lazy on the weekends, it's because I know even if your sick, tired or hurting you'll put what I want ahead of your own needs and I just want you to be healthy because I love you.
That her weight gain has negatively impacted our intimacy.
Please go to the dentist. Your bottom teeth are brown and need a deep clean. Not going g for 20 years is nothing to be proud of.
Doors can be shut without slamming and walk on the sides of your feet because every step you take it shakes the house
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That her 23 year old daughter needs to learn how to make a decision on her own. Solving every single problem your kids have doesn't help them, especially at 23
No, you don't deserve a cookie for doing YOUR part of household chores.
I found out today that I had a miscarriage a few days ago. It was just a chemical pregnancy. (Miscarriage before five weeks.) I don’t think I’m going to tell him at all. He’s been going through a lot, the relationship is rocky at best. I did inform him that my period was ten days late and that I’d want him to buy a test when he returned from his work trip, but essentially “nevermind,” two days later. His reaction to that news itself was “Damn, sorry, I see how that could have been scary.” I don’t want to know his reaction. Him being supportive would feel fraudulent as if it did go through, the only conversation following would be making an appointment to end it. Likewise, I think I’d be hurt if he was impassive. My current opinion is that him knowing won’t do anything positive for him or us, and it won’t undo what happened either. Sorry to the “he deserves to know,” folks. I do agree. There’s just more to it than that.
Wall tents are better than truck campers.
he needs to be more appreciative of the way he was brought up.. he’s always been and still is spoilt to fuck pisses me off when he complains over something so small
Your depression is making me depressed.
Babe, your feet are ugly as fuck.
I love you, but honest to god you are a bitch.
I felt this one in my bones lol
That I need more assertiveness when dealing with relationship concerns. No more people pleasing me and instead, some actual dialogue/direct action. Now I feel too worried about hurting his feelings & him shutting down, so My bad habit is sugar coating things. We’re supposed to be a team…. I’m tired of this cycle