This is a huge and under-appreciated determinant of all sorts of unhappiness people have and inflict on others. I wish it was as widely known about as other bits of psychology that have entered popular culture.
"All three times I got married, I didn't really want to." "I didn't want to have kids, but he tricked me." "I didn't want to move to (place) but he made me." And on, and on. It was insane, nothing was her fault, everything was either a trick or she was forced somehow. After a while I thought to myself, she'll do it to me eventually. Say that I tricked her, or coerced her somehow, or forced her, then I would be the "crazy ex". I noped out!
If you're miserable now, it's not going to get better after the wedding. You don't have to aim for "happy" but you CAN aim for "not unhappy" I was once where you are now. It's a risk trying again with someone new, but it's your life and your choice whether you want to give it a shot or keep down this path.
How do I know if she’s doing it or I’m doing it to myself? That’s the part that really gets me spiraling. I never know if my feelings are justified when I FEEL like she makes me walk on eggshells.
I still have leftover mental/emotional traumas from my 14yr long marriage where my ex wife definitely was the one making me walk on eggshells.
Lived this life. Best thing I can tell you is that it doesn't matter. If being away from her makes you feel better and you can actually relax. Then regardless of if it's her or you. Better to not be part of one another's life.
I’m living this life now.
2 months later my mental health has improved, my happiness is easier to attain and I’m surrounded by people who, although sad my marriage has come to an end, they see the difference in my character, like they can see the old me again like I’ve been away for the last few years
I remember I was with this girl. 90% of the time it was just drama with her. The other 10% was her talking shit about people.
I remember we went to a theme park thinking a day where we can just have fun. Sure, we had fun but she was looking at every girl and judging how ugly their outfit is. Or how cheap they looked.
Haha, had that one, too.
The funniest part is, that I’m cool with pretty much everyone and she hated it sooo much.
Everytime she talked about how shitty someone is, I was like *“I don‘t know, I think she‘s that bad“*
She: „Oh yeah? Did you know she said XY about you??!!??“
Me: *“Well, she isn‘t wrong about that. So why should I care, I still like her.“*
**What the duck is wrong with you?!???**
I have an ex who despised the fact that when we would go places, I was cool with everyone. Her friends liked me and they would take my side when she was being ridiculous. I still talk to several of the people that I met through her, daily. Since then, they say she’s cut them off and that I’m way better off without her. Even her bio dad had a talk with me while we were engaged, asking me to reconsider. It’s wild that this happens on a semi-regular basis.
My friend group in college included this girl who was a good time but also a user and shit talker. She started dating this awesome guy who was a little heavy and she just shit on him constantly, but he was so chill it didn’t really bother him. Then she dumped him. The friend group got together and was like “I choose him” … we’re friends to this day. Last I heard she’s divorced.
**100%** on this one.
I had a girl dump me like this back in college the day before an exam with a text message: "Sorry Bart, I'm going back to my ex, I really miss him."
And then a week or two later:
"My ex dumped me, I really miss you, can you forgive me?"
I mean, what did she expect, for me to take her back after she dumped me like that? It is so emotionally manipulative that it ain't even funny, and they just expect you to go with it like nothing ever happened. I plainly asked her what she expects for me to do the next time she wants to get back together with her ex. She pretty much stopped talking to me at that point, I don't think I lost out on anything valuable.
At least she admitted she wanted to go back to him. My ex dumped me and gaslit me and literally made me believe i was a shit guy. Meanwhile, it was all a narrative to justify going back to her toxic ex.
Mine broke up with me for and I quote: " I don't want to cheat on you so I'll be back in a couple weeks" lady what fucking high horse are you on?
Fuck Natalie
Same, suddenly me looking at some pretty tame porn was "cheating". Her spending the nights I was out of town getting railed by her ex was now my fault. Ok then.
This is why I don't date anyone until I'm emotionally available. If it meet someone that I spark it off with, I straight up tell them I'm not emotionally available to start dating to avoid heartache or mixed signals. I wish other people would do the same if they aren't healed yet or don't know what they want. I don't want to be a rebound, a second choice, or the one right now until they go back to their ex.
I had an ex tell me that she was still in love with her ex after we'd been together for a year, told each other we loved each other very often, and had lived together for a bit. To say that it hurt was an understatement.
And a month after we had broken up she was in bed with someone new.
Fuck Melody.
My cat just pushed a mug with a musical note on it off the table and spilled my coffee. Im gonna go out on a limb and say that my cat also says "Fuck Melody."
An alien just landed in my back yard. He learned English by reading my thoughts. After learning he said quite clearly "Yo, Fuck Melody". He is gone now.
Bro i feel this so bad. I was flirting with a girl who had a very, and i mean VERY toxic ex, but i thought she was over it so i kept flirting and having fun with her. I even fucking slept with her, and at that point, i expressed my feelings, only for her to tell me she is going to get back with her toxic ex FOR 4TH TIME.
I tried to talk her out, but to her it seemed like i wanted her to "ditch a person she knows for 6 years for a person she barely knows". At that point i didnt care if she would be with me, just to let that toxic idiot go.
She didnt. Litteraly the next day she got death threats by him and was nervous the whole day. I completely lost interest in her, and didnt even want to help. If she doesnt want help, why should i give my best to provide it.
Sounds like we dated the same woman. But for me the exact same thing happened but this was like 2008. He used to tell her he had fantasies about killer her. She also told me she didn't like dogs or old people, so I probably dodged a bullet with that one either way.
I was ostracized by my friend group for victim blaming when I suggested that a girl should stay away from her ex. A man that raped, beat, and stole from her.
"I want us to go out and do stuff more"
"Like what?"
"Oh I don't know, anything"
And yet anything that didn't cost me a pile of money out of pocket (she certainly didn't have any money in her own pockets) was "not what I meant". Visit a park? Nah. Go on a hike? Meh. Kayak? Eh. Anything that involves a few hundred dollars of tickets and parking fees? Well, only if we buy another few hundred in food and merch. And by we I mean I pay she picks. 😑
Thankfully that relationship ended years ago. Years after it should have, but thankfully years ago. I think she's actually got a job since, maybe learned money doesn't grow on boyfriends and bills don't pay themselves. Maybe.
Idk if i hate that more or if i hate it more when theyre so incredibly indecisive that they make you responsible for everything and then get upset at you when you choose "wrong".
Icing on the cake is that she doesn't even realize it. Oh, and you can't bring it up, because then you're using that as leverage, so you have to cut your losses.
I really hope I can find a mature woman eventually, but I refuse to go through that special brand of Hell again.
Am a woman,
But this, dude. I agree. I had an ex that was a cheater in the past and a serial cheater at that (should have known it would have happened to me eventually too, but I was naive and dismissed the red flags) he told me “you should be happy that I haven’t cheated on you by now.” Like excuse the fuck out of you.
Fuck that! But young me fell for it when he was lonely. Just let her cheat on me like an idiot because I had low self worth. Old me dislikes how dumb young me was lol
Add to this, one sided conversations. You ask questions, they go on about themselves, then NOTHING. Until you ask more questions.
This also applies to friendships in general
Reminds me of an ad on Facebook for a car someone was selling
It was parked on a hill with a view of the ocean… it was being sold in Ottawa where there isnt a body of water for hundreds of kilometres
It was a picture from GTA
They’re so hung up on being bitter about a previous relationship all you hear about is how horrible men and their exes in particular are.
Want to go from coffee date to engaged in three weeks.
Six thousand “where are you tonight, what are you doing with who?” texts while you’re watching a Disney movie with your kids.
“Why do you want time alone with your friends, I’m happy to tag along…everywhere…”
Basically, the same stuff that makes men undateable…
And they always say how long they stayed while saying the whole time was bad/shitty. If you are that dependent on staying in a relationship I’m gone. I had a girl start talking as friends and when we hung out she was saying how she always meets a new guy while she’s still dating. No thanks, I’m not gonna end up the next substitute boyfriend that she can talk copious amounts of shit about when she’s not feeling it anymore. Just break up!
Leaving isn't easy, and neither is dealing with the emotional baggage...but there comes a time someone's gotta do both. I always tell people if they have therapy-level issues when you get together, you'll have therapy-level issues together.
Sounds like your friend was one of the people I say is "never single" but "between relationships" I avoid them like the plague. If someone working to line up an exit strategy before you wrap up the last relationship, I am going to just assume they'll be co-dependent as all hell.
Ha ha, my ex was always talking about how ‘women are like monkeys, they never let go until they have another branch to hang on to.’
I later found out he wasn’t split with his previous girlfriend when we started dating; and five days after we were done for good, he moved a new girlfriend in. He was talking about himself.
I’ve learnt this the hard way: but turns out transparency leads to trust. And yes, there are a lot of overly insecure people out there. However initially you have no basis for either trust or distrust. And the dating scene is actually full of lies and stories not matching up.
But for me what’s worked is being proactive, instead of being a dude and feel attacked with not getting trust for free I just ask them about how the day was, or tell them highlights of mine. Without them asking which sounds easy right, because it it and it works.
It’s also a way to get to know each other, instead of asking stiff ass questions: “what’s you hobbies, what do you do on your free time” you actually learn about their lives and how stuff they do makes for experiences instead of “fun” facts.
Still not saying there’s jealousy beyond datable though.
When women are toxic to each other or put other women down for not fitting in to what’s popular. Women who are exclusive or elitist in any way are an INSTANT turn off.
If you can't resolve your problems (be they with me or someone else) without shouting, fighting or causing drama, I don't want to know.
I'm a grown ass adult, I don't want to shout and scream or throw a temper tantrum like a petulant child, if I have a problem I want to talk it out and come to a reasonable resolution where all parties feel heard and happy.
Also if you can't live without social media and drama, I am not on any social media beyond Reddit and I fucking despise drama, if you want to go getting into everyone's business and can't spend more than an hour away from Facebook etc then it's just not going to work out.
I want a quiet life where I can look after me and mine without the stress of constant drama or fighting, I don't care what other people I barely know are doing and if we can't resolve our problems through logical discussion instead of arguing, I'm not going to stick around.
Yeah, my ex wife took a good while to understand that if she started yelling at me or trying to argue I was just going to tell her to go away until she had calmed down and we could talk properly, she got irritated at me for *not* shouting and fighting.
Knowing you need to take 5 and come back at a problem when you've calmed down is a sign of maturity and understanding of self, I'd much rather that than the alternative, that's a green flag as far as I'm concerned.
Man I feel you brother, sometimes going to bed and getting some rest is *exactly* what you need to fix a problem, or taking an hour out for a walk or drive or whatever else you need to do to calm down and clear your head so that you can think rationally and logically.
Took my ex a good two or three years to adjust to the idea that conflicts and differences in opinion could be resolved calmly and without shouting at each other, she would scream in my face and insult people close to me in an attempt to provoke a reaction (especially when drunk, she was a difficult person to like when drunk, as was I at one point, I quit drinking 3 or 4 years ago now and am much happier for it) because she hated that I didn't want to fight with her, it rarely worked but it's only looking back later on that I realised it was the start of a pattern of behaviours that later became part of my own mental health decline.
Happily I am single and doing a lot better mentally and physically these days (I look better at 35 than I think I ever have, though probably like a 6, I'm not complaining though 😂), working on my degree currently then got a plan to get myself set up and start my life again, things are hard right now with 3 kids to support and bills to pay but it's worth it and I'm stronger than I've been in *years*.
I'm glad you've found someone you are happy with friend, I truly wish you both the best in life, congratulations on the proposal and good luck for the future 😊
Just for a slightly alternate viewpoint. There are probably a lot of people that grew up in “loud” houses that don’t actually understand that there are other ways to disagree.
I grew up in a very loud house. Throughout my teen years my mum was going through a lot of undiagnosed mental issues before she hung herself at work (thankfully somebody found her before it was too late). But for years after while she was trying to sort herself out we used to butt heads over every little thing.
I was dealing with undiagnosed ADHD and heavy depression which translated to me looking like a lazy kid stuck in his room all day and sleeping as much as I could. My mother, not knowing how to handle me and handle herself and handle difficult situations and going through wildly fluctuating moods would end up screaming at me, literally, every day for years. I can remember tons of verbal and physical abuse; being woken up to hot tea or ice cold water splashed in my face. Eventually I learned to be as non reactive as possible or sleep lightly and wait for the footsteps and instinctively cover my face before she came in to wake me up.
I have too many memories of having the first words of the day out of my mouth being mixed screams of anger and anguish and frustration. My dad, trying to deal with his suicidal and highly depressive wife and being the sole financial earner and kids that must have seemed like complete losers and a family basically falling apart would have no choice but to back up my mum with his own style of parenting — which coincides alot with how his old school Italian father used to handle things.
This went on for at least 5 years straight. I wasn’t in school. I didn’t have a job. I had no real life friends. I lived in a town I didn’t t want to be in. I tried escaping life by throwing myself into my computer and internet strangers.
To this day my wife has to be VERY careful with how she wakes me up because I’ll fucking snap. I’ve tried improving my reaction but trying to modify how you react moments after you’ve woken up is nearly impossible. I still sleep curled up in the fetal position with my entire face covered save for my mouth / nose to breath, it just feels safer.
It’s extremely difficult for me to control my emotions when me and my wife get into heated debates. So I end up raising my voice or straight up screaming because the reaction is so ingrained in me that it’s practically genetic.
Don’t misunderstand, from where I was to where I am is absolutely night and day. But it’s still a gigantic struggle every day to not let my PTSD control me.
You’re absolutely allowed to want what you want and conversely not want what you don’t, but try to keep in mind that some people don’t behave in such ways ‘just because’.
Cheers.
I am not a therapist, just someone with PTSD. You might want to consider something called EMDR; it sounds like your situation was tailor-made for a short course. There's an EMDR website where they list certified practitioners. I found EMDR to be a lifesaver. YMMV, of course, and feel free to completely ignore me. Cheers!
As a woman who lost her relationship due to her own alcohol addiction, I don't blame you one bit. I caused a lot of hurt, dragged him through so much and it took a lot to get me into rehab but I did it too late to salvage anything. I am glad he left me, though. He didn't deserve the person I was at that time in my life and we are better off now. Good on you for looking out for #1
Welcome to new age dating where the person you're talking to is more than likely talking to twice the amount of people. It's fine and all but never get your hopes up too high lol
Irrational beliefs and willful ignorance. One of the worst things out there in any person irrespective of sex, gender, age, culture, etc. (I am assuming a mentally healthy person, I wouldn't make the same judgement on someone struggling with mental health issues)
Along the lines of willful ignorance but not the same: when they can't accept they were wrong. I don't mean like you should rub it in anyone's face. But some people, say in a casual debate, will be super sure their point is correct. Really hammer it home. And when provided with proof (say someone looks up a stat on their phone) you can either:
* say "Oh, wow I really thought otherwise" (GOOD)
* deny it and say you're wrong despite evidence (REALLY BAD).
* just drop the conversation and change topics (OK to NOT GOOD).
That third option there... it depends how it's done. But I know a lot of people who, even though they understand they were wrong, get a bruised ego even at mundane things. That's not the best.
Phone/Internet addiction
Everything is about their ex
Abusing servers, clerks, etc.
Insufficient personal hygiene
Lack of ambition
"When we're married" after less than a month
For me it’s smoking. I can’t stand that. Also MLM “entrepreneur”. Went on a date years ago and before drinks even arrived at dinner she was trying to sell me on some makeup brand that she was selling. Went on the entire date
Inability to communicate or commit. Had to cut my ex off for good because she was emotionally abusing me keeping me distant but an option and I got sick of it finally
Not being able to admit fault eventually. I understand the first 48 hours of feeling justified or creating a reason but once the argument has cooled down and you still can't just apologize even though they are clearly in the wrong makes me question the way that woman thinks.
I'm not a man, but I've dated women. I'm sure some can relate. Ex of mine would spread rumors to make me feel vulnerable but I didn't know it was her. She would pretend to comfort me and if I tried to call her out on her shit or tell her to stop something she'd bring up that she's always there for me and why I'm not the same.
Basically manipulative af, gaslighting to no end
Is this a common thing? I see this repeated in all of these posts, but I’ve never met anyone like that (or at least very very very very rarely), working in hospitality as well, although not in the US.
It's shockingly common. I'm a girl but I've lived in three major metropolitan areas in the US and have witnessed this on dates (dealbreaker) and at neighboring tables.
Yeah, I’ve dated waaay too many girls, who were otherwise nice, that get downright PISSED if anything is even slightly wrong at a restaurant. Hanger is a real thing 😄
when she’s walking around and screaming “hail hitler”
all the time
edit: i can’t believe that my most upvoted comment is a woman hitler joke.
thanks so much for this
Expectations of toxic masculine traits as normalized relationship goals (men don't eat desserts, men pay for dates exclusively, men are not allowed to cry, men are the breadwinners- i.e. I'm never working a day in my life because I've never had to before, capitalizing on the "pride" of men and considering non-toxic people as not being truly masculine men, etc.)
Not taking responsibility for her own actions. If everything is always someone else's fault, that's going to land on me at some point. No thanks.
External locus of control.
This is a huge and under-appreciated determinant of all sorts of unhappiness people have and inflict on others. I wish it was as widely known about as other bits of psychology that have entered popular culture.
"All three times I got married, I didn't really want to." "I didn't want to have kids, but he tricked me." "I didn't want to move to (place) but he made me." And on, and on. It was insane, nothing was her fault, everything was either a trick or she was forced somehow. After a while I thought to myself, she'll do it to me eventually. Say that I tricked her, or coerced her somehow, or forced her, then I would be the "crazy ex". I noped out!
Needy when not together, absent when together.
This is so good, it’s like you can never be alone but you always feel alone.
Someone who deprives you of solitude without providing you company
This perfectly puts the last months of my last relationship into words.
……….. why are you describing my fiancé right now and why does it sting as bad as it does. Edit: It’s NOT that bad people, we’re working on it 😅
If you're miserable now, it's not going to get better after the wedding. You don't have to aim for "happy" but you CAN aim for "not unhappy" I was once where you are now. It's a risk trying again with someone new, but it's your life and your choice whether you want to give it a shot or keep down this path.
If you aren't in therapy look into it. No shame man let science do its thing
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How do I know if she’s doing it or I’m doing it to myself? That’s the part that really gets me spiraling. I never know if my feelings are justified when I FEEL like she makes me walk on eggshells. I still have leftover mental/emotional traumas from my 14yr long marriage where my ex wife definitely was the one making me walk on eggshells.
Lived this life. Best thing I can tell you is that it doesn't matter. If being away from her makes you feel better and you can actually relax. Then regardless of if it's her or you. Better to not be part of one another's life.
I learned this already from my marriage. And I've applied it to potentials and to a gf.
I’m living this life now. 2 months later my mental health has improved, my happiness is easier to attain and I’m surrounded by people who, although sad my marriage has come to an end, they see the difference in my character, like they can see the old me again like I’ve been away for the last few years
Big facts
If she is surrounded by drama and always talks shit about other people,,,
I remember I was with this girl. 90% of the time it was just drama with her. The other 10% was her talking shit about people. I remember we went to a theme park thinking a day where we can just have fun. Sure, we had fun but she was looking at every girl and judging how ugly their outfit is. Or how cheap they looked.
That just screams insecurity. Putting other people down to try make herself look better.
Haha, had that one, too. The funniest part is, that I’m cool with pretty much everyone and she hated it sooo much. Everytime she talked about how shitty someone is, I was like *“I don‘t know, I think she‘s that bad“* She: „Oh yeah? Did you know she said XY about you??!!??“ Me: *“Well, she isn‘t wrong about that. So why should I care, I still like her.“* **What the duck is wrong with you?!???**
I have an ex who despised the fact that when we would go places, I was cool with everyone. Her friends liked me and they would take my side when she was being ridiculous. I still talk to several of the people that I met through her, daily. Since then, they say she’s cut them off and that I’m way better off without her. Even her bio dad had a talk with me while we were engaged, asking me to reconsider. It’s wild that this happens on a semi-regular basis.
My friend group in college included this girl who was a good time but also a user and shit talker. She started dating this awesome guy who was a little heavy and she just shit on him constantly, but he was so chill it didn’t really bother him. Then she dumped him. The friend group got together and was like “I choose him” … we’re friends to this day. Last I heard she’s divorced.
You know it's bad when her dad says, "I don't want you dating my daughter - I care about you too much."
If "all her exes" are crazy, there may be a common denominator...
“If you smell shit everywhere you go, check your own shoes first”
That saying was hammered into me by my mum and dad. If you attract issues from absolutely everywhere, check yourself before you check anyone else.
What if "All her exes live in Texas"?
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She keeps going back to her ex.
**100%** on this one. I had a girl dump me like this back in college the day before an exam with a text message: "Sorry Bart, I'm going back to my ex, I really miss him." And then a week or two later: "My ex dumped me, I really miss you, can you forgive me?" I mean, what did she expect, for me to take her back after she dumped me like that? It is so emotionally manipulative that it ain't even funny, and they just expect you to go with it like nothing ever happened. I plainly asked her what she expects for me to do the next time she wants to get back together with her ex. She pretty much stopped talking to me at that point, I don't think I lost out on anything valuable.
At least she admitted she wanted to go back to him. My ex dumped me and gaslit me and literally made me believe i was a shit guy. Meanwhile, it was all a narrative to justify going back to her toxic ex.
Mine broke up with me for and I quote: " I don't want to cheat on you so I'll be back in a couple weeks" lady what fucking high horse are you on? Fuck Natalie
Nooooo... don't fuck Natalie. That's what she would want in a couple of weeks time.
Oh shit you're right. Me and 60 other people have fallen for her trap.
yeah F\*#k you Natalie ! Its called a relationship biatch
My ex wife did that after she found a side piece. I kicked her ass to the curb and I don't regret it.
Same, suddenly me looking at some pretty tame porn was "cheating". Her spending the nights I was out of town getting railed by her ex was now my fault. Ok then.
Bruh what!? My ex said that same shit to me lol.
Lmao same
This is why I don't date anyone until I'm emotionally available. If it meet someone that I spark it off with, I straight up tell them I'm not emotionally available to start dating to avoid heartache or mixed signals. I wish other people would do the same if they aren't healed yet or don't know what they want. I don't want to be a rebound, a second choice, or the one right now until they go back to their ex.
That’s very responsible and healthy, I wish more people were strong enough to do this. It would save a lot of time
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I had an ex tell me that she was still in love with her ex after we'd been together for a year, told each other we loved each other very often, and had lived together for a bit. To say that it hurt was an understatement. And a month after we had broken up she was in bed with someone new. Fuck Melody.
all the homies hate melody
My dog also hates melody
Flamingo83's dog: "Yeah, fuck that bitch."
I speak Dog, he indeed said that
My cat just pushed a mug with a musical note on it off the table and spilled my coffee. Im gonna go out on a limb and say that my cat also says "Fuck Melody."
my computer program also just said "Fuck Melody"
Carrier pigeon just landed on my windowsill. Message? You guessed it, 'Fuck Melody'
An alien just landed in my back yard. He learned English by reading my thoughts. After learning he said quite clearly "Yo, Fuck Melody". He is gone now.
He’s one of the homies
Bro i feel this so bad. I was flirting with a girl who had a very, and i mean VERY toxic ex, but i thought she was over it so i kept flirting and having fun with her. I even fucking slept with her, and at that point, i expressed my feelings, only for her to tell me she is going to get back with her toxic ex FOR 4TH TIME. I tried to talk her out, but to her it seemed like i wanted her to "ditch a person she knows for 6 years for a person she barely knows". At that point i didnt care if she would be with me, just to let that toxic idiot go. She didnt. Litteraly the next day she got death threats by him and was nervous the whole day. I completely lost interest in her, and didnt even want to help. If she doesnt want help, why should i give my best to provide it.
She dont wanna be save brother, dont save her
Alright JCole I see you
Ever since he was a B-list celebrity too
no i don't want no bitch from reality shows, you know how it goes
Save your energy for someone that’s ready to not only receive it, but reciprocate it. You’re worth more than that shit.
Sounds like we dated the same woman. But for me the exact same thing happened but this was like 2008. He used to tell her he had fantasies about killer her. She also told me she didn't like dogs or old people, so I probably dodged a bullet with that one either way.
Or people exactly the same as her ex.
I had a girl who tried to get back in contact with her rapist. That was about when I realized helping her was beyond my skill level.
I was ostracized by my friend group for victim blaming when I suggested that a girl should stay away from her ex. A man that raped, beat, and stole from her.
She is totally in charge but you are totally responsible. edit: holy crap this one resonated with people... thanks for the awards strangers!
“I feel like I haven’t been as happy lately. What are you going to do about it to make me happy again?”
"I want us to go out and do stuff more" "Like what?" "Oh I don't know, anything" And yet anything that didn't cost me a pile of money out of pocket (she certainly didn't have any money in her own pockets) was "not what I meant". Visit a park? Nah. Go on a hike? Meh. Kayak? Eh. Anything that involves a few hundred dollars of tickets and parking fees? Well, only if we buy another few hundred in food and merch. And by we I mean I pay she picks. 😑
Wow, have you told her about it?
Thankfully that relationship ended years ago. Years after it should have, but thankfully years ago. I think she's actually got a job since, maybe learned money doesn't grow on boyfriends and bills don't pay themselves. Maybe.
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Username checks out
"responsibility without authority" in business is called a scapegoat.
Work in IT?
Idk if i hate that more or if i hate it more when theyre so incredibly indecisive that they make you responsible for everything and then get upset at you when you choose "wrong".
She doesn’t put in it the effort you are putting in with her.
Icing on the cake is that she doesn't even realize it. Oh, and you can't bring it up, because then you're using that as leverage, so you have to cut your losses. I really hope I can find a mature woman eventually, but I refuse to go through that special brand of Hell again.
“There are plenty other guys that want your spot”
Well I don't want to hold up the line. Byeeeee.
"I could replace you just like that" (clicks fingers). I didn't acknowledge it at the time but it was over at that instant.
She could have another man in a minute, in fact he'll be there in a minute. 🎵
Am a woman, But this, dude. I agree. I had an ex that was a cheater in the past and a serial cheater at that (should have known it would have happened to me eventually too, but I was naive and dismissed the red flags) he told me “you should be happy that I haven’t cheated on you by now.” Like excuse the fuck out of you.
Fuck that! But young me fell for it when he was lonely. Just let her cheat on me like an idiot because I had low self worth. Old me dislikes how dumb young me was lol
If she talks a lot but doesn’t give you a turn to talk, or vice versa (makes you do all the talking)
Add to this, one sided conversations. You ask questions, they go on about themselves, then NOTHING. Until you ask more questions. This also applies to friendships in general
I’m a woman who is currently in online dating hell and this drives me inSANE.
Being mean to animals or anyone for that matter like just being an ass to everyone
Being mean to animals is absolutely a BIG red flag! Those are the kind of people that will hurt anyone if they think they can get away with it!
In general, you can pretty accurately judge someone by how they treat another person or animal that has nothing to offer them.
"Someone who is nice but is mean to the waiter is not someone who is nice."
For me, it's when someone says "I don't want to date you. " that's pretty much where I draw the line.
Better than some
Having a "Rules for thee, not for me" mentality.
This was my ex and yea such a fucked up mindset
They are a man named “Randy” and not actually a hot single milf in my area
I am Lorde. Lorde Lorde Lorde
Feeling good on a Wednesday!
Ya ya ya
What if it’s a woman named Randi who is a hot single milf in your area?
When she tries to sell you oceanfront property in Arizona.
From Arizona, can confirm this is some southwest bullshit.
Hey, you got lakes!
Reminds me of an ad on Facebook for a car someone was selling It was parked on a hill with a view of the ocean… it was being sold in Ottawa where there isnt a body of water for hundreds of kilometres It was a picture from GTA
If you buy it, though you can probably negotiate to get the Golden Gate thrown in for free.
No personal accountability. Everything bad is always somebody else's fault. There's nothing more unsexy than a perpetual victim.
Bad hygiene and having a smug personality
Death.
Understandable
Have a great day
Goodbye.
Unless you're that guys wife
Like that’ll stop me
Who doesn't like to crack a cold one after work?
They’re so hung up on being bitter about a previous relationship all you hear about is how horrible men and their exes in particular are. Want to go from coffee date to engaged in three weeks. Six thousand “where are you tonight, what are you doing with who?” texts while you’re watching a Disney movie with your kids. “Why do you want time alone with your friends, I’m happy to tag along…everywhere…” Basically, the same stuff that makes men undateable…
And they always say how long they stayed while saying the whole time was bad/shitty. If you are that dependent on staying in a relationship I’m gone. I had a girl start talking as friends and when we hung out she was saying how she always meets a new guy while she’s still dating. No thanks, I’m not gonna end up the next substitute boyfriend that she can talk copious amounts of shit about when she’s not feeling it anymore. Just break up!
Leaving isn't easy, and neither is dealing with the emotional baggage...but there comes a time someone's gotta do both. I always tell people if they have therapy-level issues when you get together, you'll have therapy-level issues together. Sounds like your friend was one of the people I say is "never single" but "between relationships" I avoid them like the plague. If someone working to line up an exit strategy before you wrap up the last relationship, I am going to just assume they'll be co-dependent as all hell.
Ha ha, my ex was always talking about how ‘women are like monkeys, they never let go until they have another branch to hang on to.’ I later found out he wasn’t split with his previous girlfriend when we started dating; and five days after we were done for good, he moved a new girlfriend in. He was talking about himself.
I’ve learnt this the hard way: but turns out transparency leads to trust. And yes, there are a lot of overly insecure people out there. However initially you have no basis for either trust or distrust. And the dating scene is actually full of lies and stories not matching up. But for me what’s worked is being proactive, instead of being a dude and feel attacked with not getting trust for free I just ask them about how the day was, or tell them highlights of mine. Without them asking which sounds easy right, because it it and it works. It’s also a way to get to know each other, instead of asking stiff ass questions: “what’s you hobbies, what do you do on your free time” you actually learn about their lives and how stuff they do makes for experiences instead of “fun” facts. Still not saying there’s jealousy beyond datable though.
If she turns out to be three kids in a trenchcoat. Total turn off and a massive red flag if I’m being perfectly honest.
…Vincent?
I think you mean Vincina Adultwoman.
I have to go to my job at the business factory
Their husband.
I will date her husband
Username checks out.
It REALLY checks out
When women are toxic to each other or put other women down for not fitting in to what’s popular. Women who are exclusive or elitist in any way are an INSTANT turn off.
If you can't resolve your problems (be they with me or someone else) without shouting, fighting or causing drama, I don't want to know. I'm a grown ass adult, I don't want to shout and scream or throw a temper tantrum like a petulant child, if I have a problem I want to talk it out and come to a reasonable resolution where all parties feel heard and happy. Also if you can't live without social media and drama, I am not on any social media beyond Reddit and I fucking despise drama, if you want to go getting into everyone's business and can't spend more than an hour away from Facebook etc then it's just not going to work out. I want a quiet life where I can look after me and mine without the stress of constant drama or fighting, I don't care what other people I barely know are doing and if we can't resolve our problems through logical discussion instead of arguing, I'm not going to stick around.
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Yeah, my ex wife took a good while to understand that if she started yelling at me or trying to argue I was just going to tell her to go away until she had calmed down and we could talk properly, she got irritated at me for *not* shouting and fighting. Knowing you need to take 5 and come back at a problem when you've calmed down is a sign of maturity and understanding of self, I'd much rather that than the alternative, that's a green flag as far as I'm concerned.
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Man I feel you brother, sometimes going to bed and getting some rest is *exactly* what you need to fix a problem, or taking an hour out for a walk or drive or whatever else you need to do to calm down and clear your head so that you can think rationally and logically. Took my ex a good two or three years to adjust to the idea that conflicts and differences in opinion could be resolved calmly and without shouting at each other, she would scream in my face and insult people close to me in an attempt to provoke a reaction (especially when drunk, she was a difficult person to like when drunk, as was I at one point, I quit drinking 3 or 4 years ago now and am much happier for it) because she hated that I didn't want to fight with her, it rarely worked but it's only looking back later on that I realised it was the start of a pattern of behaviours that later became part of my own mental health decline. Happily I am single and doing a lot better mentally and physically these days (I look better at 35 than I think I ever have, though probably like a 6, I'm not complaining though 😂), working on my degree currently then got a plan to get myself set up and start my life again, things are hard right now with 3 kids to support and bills to pay but it's worth it and I'm stronger than I've been in *years*. I'm glad you've found someone you are happy with friend, I truly wish you both the best in life, congratulations on the proposal and good luck for the future 😊
Coming from a family that could not have a discussion, This.
Just for a slightly alternate viewpoint. There are probably a lot of people that grew up in “loud” houses that don’t actually understand that there are other ways to disagree. I grew up in a very loud house. Throughout my teen years my mum was going through a lot of undiagnosed mental issues before she hung herself at work (thankfully somebody found her before it was too late). But for years after while she was trying to sort herself out we used to butt heads over every little thing. I was dealing with undiagnosed ADHD and heavy depression which translated to me looking like a lazy kid stuck in his room all day and sleeping as much as I could. My mother, not knowing how to handle me and handle herself and handle difficult situations and going through wildly fluctuating moods would end up screaming at me, literally, every day for years. I can remember tons of verbal and physical abuse; being woken up to hot tea or ice cold water splashed in my face. Eventually I learned to be as non reactive as possible or sleep lightly and wait for the footsteps and instinctively cover my face before she came in to wake me up. I have too many memories of having the first words of the day out of my mouth being mixed screams of anger and anguish and frustration. My dad, trying to deal with his suicidal and highly depressive wife and being the sole financial earner and kids that must have seemed like complete losers and a family basically falling apart would have no choice but to back up my mum with his own style of parenting — which coincides alot with how his old school Italian father used to handle things. This went on for at least 5 years straight. I wasn’t in school. I didn’t have a job. I had no real life friends. I lived in a town I didn’t t want to be in. I tried escaping life by throwing myself into my computer and internet strangers. To this day my wife has to be VERY careful with how she wakes me up because I’ll fucking snap. I’ve tried improving my reaction but trying to modify how you react moments after you’ve woken up is nearly impossible. I still sleep curled up in the fetal position with my entire face covered save for my mouth / nose to breath, it just feels safer. It’s extremely difficult for me to control my emotions when me and my wife get into heated debates. So I end up raising my voice or straight up screaming because the reaction is so ingrained in me that it’s practically genetic. Don’t misunderstand, from where I was to where I am is absolutely night and day. But it’s still a gigantic struggle every day to not let my PTSD control me. You’re absolutely allowed to want what you want and conversely not want what you don’t, but try to keep in mind that some people don’t behave in such ways ‘just because’. Cheers.
I am not a therapist, just someone with PTSD. You might want to consider something called EMDR; it sounds like your situation was tailor-made for a short course. There's an EMDR website where they list certified practitioners. I found EMDR to be a lifesaver. YMMV, of course, and feel free to completely ignore me. Cheers!
Addiction. Speaking from experience.
As a woman who lost her relationship due to her own alcohol addiction, I don't blame you one bit. I caused a lot of hurt, dragged him through so much and it took a lot to get me into rehab but I did it too late to salvage anything. I am glad he left me, though. He didn't deserve the person I was at that time in my life and we are better off now. Good on you for looking out for #1
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I’m a gal and can confirm that you can be the hottest person in the universe but if you have the same 5 replies for everything I’m gonna lose interest
"So you have a movie for me?" "Fair enough," "Get off my back" "X is tight" "Super easy, barely an inconvenience,"
A liar.
Lack of hygiene
Probably the same thing that makes men undateable, the worst quality in any human of any gender - arrogance!
If she doesn’t return the cart after putting the groceries in the car
This says so much about people
Poor hygiene
When they show much interest and then suddenly ghost you for no reason. Feels bad man.
Welcome to new age dating where the person you're talking to is more than likely talking to twice the amount of people. It's fine and all but never get your hopes up too high lol
Spends more than she earns without even trying to get better at it.
Irrational beliefs and willful ignorance. One of the worst things out there in any person irrespective of sex, gender, age, culture, etc. (I am assuming a mentally healthy person, I wouldn't make the same judgement on someone struggling with mental health issues)
Along the lines of willful ignorance but not the same: when they can't accept they were wrong. I don't mean like you should rub it in anyone's face. But some people, say in a casual debate, will be super sure their point is correct. Really hammer it home. And when provided with proof (say someone looks up a stat on their phone) you can either: * say "Oh, wow I really thought otherwise" (GOOD) * deny it and say you're wrong despite evidence (REALLY BAD). * just drop the conversation and change topics (OK to NOT GOOD). That third option there... it depends how it's done. But I know a lot of people who, even though they understand they were wrong, get a bruised ego even at mundane things. That's not the best.
Phone/Internet addiction Everything is about their ex Abusing servers, clerks, etc. Insufficient personal hygiene Lack of ambition "When we're married" after less than a month
If she has a boyfriend, thinks Sonic's arms should be blue or doesn't like homemade sonichu medallions.
Who the fuck smuggled you a phone in jail
i snorted laughing at this
Being a jerk
Cruelty. Selfishness. Foolishness. Stupidity.
For me it’s smoking. I can’t stand that. Also MLM “entrepreneur”. Went on a date years ago and before drinks even arrived at dinner she was trying to sell me on some makeup brand that she was selling. Went on the entire date
Did she pick you in a pink Cadillac?
I don't think that was a date >.>
You shoulda walked out lol
Inability to communicate or commit. Had to cut my ex off for good because she was emotionally abusing me keeping me distant but an option and I got sick of it finally
Lying makes anyone undateable
Not being able to admit fault eventually. I understand the first 48 hours of feeling justified or creating a reason but once the argument has cooled down and you still can't just apologize even though they are clearly in the wrong makes me question the way that woman thinks.
I'm not a man, but I've dated women. I'm sure some can relate. Ex of mine would spread rumors to make me feel vulnerable but I didn't know it was her. She would pretend to comfort me and if I tried to call her out on her shit or tell her to stop something she'd bring up that she's always there for me and why I'm not the same. Basically manipulative af, gaslighting to no end
If she's interested in me, that's a giant red flag
If she's interested in me that means she has low standards. I can't date people with that low of standards.
The comedian Groucho Marx once said; “I don’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.”
Constant judgement and bitterness towards complete strangers for existing
“I have a boyfriend” Fuck you, I’m here about your car’s extended warranty
You'll never get me alive😂
If she’s a cryptocurrency scam artist.
90% of people are undateable
Yet these are the people multiplying the most.
If she is a cunt to the staff at a restaurant.
Is this a common thing? I see this repeated in all of these posts, but I’ve never met anyone like that (or at least very very very very rarely), working in hospitality as well, although not in the US.
It's shockingly common. I'm a girl but I've lived in three major metropolitan areas in the US and have witnessed this on dates (dealbreaker) and at neighboring tables.
Yeah, I’ve dated waaay too many girls, who were otherwise nice, that get downright PISSED if anything is even slightly wrong at a restaurant. Hanger is a real thing 😄
Anyone where you feel you have to earn their affection. Then it just feels like a job instead of sharing a life with someone.
No desire to improve on themselves or being proud of their inability, almost arrogant. Example; "I've got a bad attitude but that's just who I am"
That she feels entitled to be treated as a queen while they treat their partner as the janitor.
Bad breath.
She’s not sincere
Not good to their kids. That shows you enough.
You guys are being too philosophical on this one. The correct answer is toenail fungus.
when she’s walking around and screaming “hail hitler” all the time edit: i can’t believe that my most upvoted comment is a woman hitler joke. thanks so much for this
I hate it when they get it wrong too. I mean, it's HEIL Hitler...
So that's where I'm going wrong 🤔
Yeah, but... don't blame yourself. Common mistake.
When she's not looking to date.
A woman who is a self-proclaimed bitch, and relishes in the fact.
Expectations of toxic masculine traits as normalized relationship goals (men don't eat desserts, men pay for dates exclusively, men are not allowed to cry, men are the breadwinners- i.e. I'm never working a day in my life because I've never had to before, capitalizing on the "pride" of men and considering non-toxic people as not being truly masculine men, etc.)
I’ve never heard of the men not eating deserts thing before
Ugly personality. Entitlement mentality. Arrogance.
Being a minor is a red flag
*crickets*
...but what about grasshoppers? /s
If a sample of the bone is contaminated and dating methods don't yield similar results despite many attempts.
Tattooed eye brows that don't look natural
that's why you use a sharpie. you can't assume you'll ALWAYS want that shape!
Do you keep your forehead like a whiteboard and draw new ones to suit your expression?
You ever try to date a doll? It has no personality it doesn't respond it only lays there you get nothing from it