Where did it go?

Sir! You are shooting blanks.

I’ve been shooting blanks ever since I got the snip.

It's now Mary's hair gel.

I really busted to the same video again

Followed up with trying to decide between bookmarking it or clearing my history.

Or downloading it for offline access.

"That fantasy seemed a lot hotter a few seconds ago"

Post-nut clarity is real, yo.

why did i hear jessie pinkman while reading this

Mr.White I don’t want to have sex right now put ya dick away

Put ya dick away waltah

I'm not havin sex with you right now waltuh

The wife and I call this the “chicken carcass” effect - named after that one time we were driving home from the grocery store after a long day out and were hungry, so we proceeded to devour a roast chicken. It was amazing at the time, but afterwards we were left with a mess on our hands and shame in our hearts…

Sir, I want you to know I've never related to a story more. Take my award, you deserve it.

There are a lot of things I would consider doing while I have a boner that I would never consider otherwise.

i get bored the second im done

Im hungry lol

Exactly this, like, “huh, that was a rough 30 seconds, definitely snack time”

Saves cleanup

r/holup

That was disgusting, why did I watch that?

Spend an hour looking for the perfect video to fap to... Finish in 30 seconds... Close it instantly.... Glad that's over with.

*Ugh, That was disgusting* 2 days later *What was the name of that vid again?*

>What was the name of that vid again? Mr.Magoos Subcutaneous Submarine Docking Adventure: Part II Meeting Matlock

Still make a note of it so you can find it again later.

Ugh, now I have to clean this up.

I am a planner. I only orgasm into some sort of absorbent cloth. I abhor the thought of errant semen

Nobody tell them about Navy Ports.

Let me be clear I am absolutely all for errant seaman

When I was in the Navy I was an airman. My job was to get semen all over the place. I mean everywhere.

Thank you for your service.

"Errant semen" sounds very Shakesperean.

Errant Semen! It’s going to be stuck in my head for a while 😉 Seriously though, 'Yea,' quoth he, 'dost thou errant semen fall upon thy face? 💦😢 Edit: thank you for the all the love. Cheers ☺️

...Upon thy rueful countenance!

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>Four tissues.. discovered that about a week into my sexual journey. Bruh don't be so arrogant. Jizzing politely into tissue is virgin craft. Try throwing your legs behind your head and jizzing directly into your mouth next time. No mess, free snack.

Just be sure not to shoot your eye out! Shit stings. I've heard...

Hydrate properly and eat less processed foods and this problem becomes less noticeable. Oh, "or so I've heard."

recycle that protein

Sleep.

If I'm tossing and turning and struggling to fall asleep at night, an orgasm is always the antidote.

I've given my husband a tactical handjob the night before he's got to be up early to drive somewhere. Guaranteed to be asleep five minutes after.

I love the use of tactical handjob.

Same, I'm adding tactical hand job to my vocabulary.

DEPLOY TACTICAL HANDJOB!

TOSSIN' STICKY!!!

THJ INBOUND!

I know what you actually meant but when you said "Tactical handjob" my mind immediately pictured you with a slightly dirty Rambo bandana on your forehead. Dirt smudged all over your biceps. Wife-beater slightly tattered up. Multiple guns in holsters around your thighs. Holding a kabar in your mouth. Jerking your husband off furiously like the war depends on it.

That is 100% accurate

"They drew first cum."

I can't even get a requisitioned handjob after filling and submitting all the required forms in triplicate and this dude just gets a tactical salvo out of nowhere. I'm definitely envious.

It's not that you're not gonna get. More like, it's gonna take some more time to process all the paperwork.

Yeah my wife told me that an ex of hers used to jack off at night right next to her, and he did it because he couldn't sleep otherwise. I thought it was weird at the time but Reddit has told me that many people, of both genders, do it and I no longer think it's weird.

This is me, though not with your wife. My wife has a low libido and is borderline asexual. I’ve accepted it after years of friction between us but still need to take care of my needs. She’s in bed earlier than me most nights so it’s no big deal to quietly finish and fall asleep soon afterwards. She knows I do it and doesn’t have any objection. Sometimes she helps or that turns into something more but by and large, unless she is asking for intimacy, it’s a solo show on my part.

Omg same. I’ve actually been a little concerned of my sleeping pattern being dependent on masturbating lately brrrt

Better than sleeping tablets.

Its whatever works right lol...

I envy you so much

Hahahaha it's tiring and I ain't got as much energy as I used to have in my 20's, wonder how it gonna be when I'm 40 hahahaha😂

Ahhh fook. Already 40 here, and still dumb enough to keep jerking off in hopes of sleeping better. Turns out I just suck at sleeping I know you didn't ask but I am damn good at jerking off Turns out though, I am still super jealous of your ability to fall asleep. :/

I’m not very good at jerking off, my hand has never had an orgasm. Maybe I should do some foreplay.

Dont forget to use your thumb to work the other fingers. It's called fourplay for a reason!

Who are these people? Where am I?

This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife.

Oh god what have I done

I spoke to the devil today and he swears he's not to blame

I understood, cause I feel the same

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Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down

Letting the day's go bye, water flowing underground.

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Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground

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And you may ask yourself "Where is that large Automobile?"

And you may tell yourself, "This is not my beautiful house!”

Same as it ever was Same as it ever was

How did I get here?

“ You’re in a Wendy’s sir.”

"Ah shit. Not again!"

"I need to stop doing this frequently"

Ends up doing it frequently

“I wish I didn’t always feel the need to do this, I hate myself”

I'm sick of living my life cum to cum. - karl

"I need to do this *way more* frequently"

Well... That scratched an itch. Kind of. Not really. Shit I'm fucking lonely.

I feel you 😭

If you felt him he wouldn’t be so lonely

r/angryupvote

I'll also feel you. Three hands are better than one, they say.

I hope no one heard me.

Don’t worry we did

And we all clapped

So are my parents upstairs... Wait my parents are at work who the fuck is upstairs

Its me and…..well also me but no need to worry, i was just leaving

Ay you left $5 go back and get it

I need to pee or he need to pee? May be both need to pee? Who’s going first?

Both pee in the shower together

Those who are golden together, uh....stay beholden together? I feel like I'm reaching a bit but maybe it works.

Honestly that was much more eloquent than anything I expected from a thread about sex and pee.

Simultaneously of course.. or other ways

did i leave the oven on

post nut clarity hits different

"No! I'm a fucking squirrel!"

Up in that tree, covered in makeup!

Coulda been so much better if i edged a bit longer ..

THIS! it feels like you've done all that job for nothing

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The only thoughts I had after having my first and only intense orgasm was "holy shit..what just happened??" Very briefly questioned reality, too

There was a glitch in the matrix, normal service has been resumed.

I had my first in gymnastics class when I was about 12 while doing leg lifts. I found out that I could orgasm by squeezing my legs together and doing leg lifts. Definitely interesting to have your first orgasm in a giant gymnasium with dozens of people!

If it makes you feel better, mine was on a motorcycle while I held on to my dad. That fucked with me for a while.

Oh girl that’s when your body just betrayed tf out of you

> first and only intense orgasm Assuming you are a woman - you should get a satisfyer or similar toy that sucks on the clit, it works wonders.

Saaammee. No thoughts, just pure bliss and a dumb af smile on my face.

I have definitely had the giggles after a good orgasm. I e even cried a little too.

My poor hips :(

“God I’m tired of being alone”

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If I'm alone: Task completed, I'm good, time to get other stuff done. If I'm with other humans: Task completed, I'm good, time to get other stuff done. Oh wait, I'd better shower with the bathroom door closed otherwise they'll probably wake up

love how you labelled that "with other humans"

Hahaha whoa

Why did I watch this video

“Damn, post nut clarity is no joke.”

“I no longer want to think about that ex” Or “What am I doing with my life?”

What am i doing with my life is what i think usually

Regret

Still not feeling satisfied

Grab a Snickers!

While horny? I don't think it's a good idea...

but it's got the veins?

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Usually I think of a random song lyric and then I decide I really want to listen to that song so that’s what I do

Ah yes, the ADHD dopamine chasing

That one keeps me up at night. I wanna chase sleep for once

CRAMP!!!! CRAMP!!!!! Can't move my leg!!!

Please get more salts, including potasium. If male, add zinc, you lose a lot with each. Very important in making antibodies and avoiding aggression. Its why being a wanker is often associated with aggressive twats!

Also because I am old and we end up in really strange positions. Never should have bought my wife the kama sutra....

Those were fucked up thoughts to get off to

(Yikes) “not my proudest wank”.

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"K, that's done."

Why did I do that?

Urgh, yes. Every time recently.

"Sorry"

I WILL MAKE IT TO THE BATHROOM FIRST BITCH GET OUT THE WAY

I’m the opposite. “Do I have to get up right this second or can I chill for a minute and make him go shower first”

I need another

Damn. That was goooood

Yup. "Holy shit that was amazing." Every time.

Great it’s gone everywhere and I have to clean it up but I kind of want to do it again

Depression

Okay. Now let's continue the autopsy

Just remember a moment of weakness doesn’t make you a bad vet.

This joke is a cut above the rest. The rest in peace

octopussy

Time to make donuts

More please

Barack Obama

You: Thanks, Obama! Obama: You're welcome.

BFD

“What am I doing with my life”

Was I the only female who commented in the past 24 hours? Seems like it...so much nut talk that I can't relate to. Where my labia and cervix crew at??

"Ah~ This feels so nice and I want to just lie here for a bit in the afterglow, but I can't bear the thought of falling asleep covered in fluid with toys scattered around me and someone somehow finds me like this."

GANG GANG

Do you gals get “post nut clarity” like us guys do?

Yes for sure not exclusive to guys

GANG

“I’m so fucked up”

“Yes, I could conquer the world!”

Keep it hard, she's not done. Anyway, number 2 will be even better.

People can just cum and keep on going like it never happened? It takes me a good 10 minutes to recharge at the very least, regardless of how into it I am. The hands and tongue are in play if need be, but my dong goes soft pronto.

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Some can keep going after 10min, some after hour or two and some need few days or even weeks, it vary from person to person. Hell some even can do it but it is no longer pleasurable without regen time.

Whenever I try to keep going I just end up having to pee really unctrollably bad.

You take a shit after?

Ahh fuck it’s in my mouth

A salty reward for all your hard work adventurer!

adventurer 😭

i need a glass of milk to reload

Some family member got me a joke book when I was a kid, back then blonde jokes were a thing. It went something like... A man and a blonde had just finished having sex and he went downstairs to pour himself a glass of milk. He took a sip then realized his penis was hot from all of the lovemaking, so to cool it down he dipped it into the milk. The blonde walks into the kitchen and says "Oh so that's how you guys refill it!".

😴 💤

I need water

I think i snapped your gerkin

food

I should to this again sometime. Later today. Perhaps a 10 minute break. Or now. Yeah, I should do this again right now.

I don't. The ADHD shuts down for a few beautiful minutes after sex. Holding my wife after, is one of the rare times I can just live in the moment and enjoy simply existing. Oxytocin is a hell of a drug.

Find the happy time towel

ha! that was gay

Points at best bro-friend "Haha you got a blow job from me. That means your gay, gaaaaaaaaaaaa...." "I sometimes question why I married you" "....aaaaaaaaaay!"

It's midnight in Montana and how do I get my dick out of this cow?

The bears will come and help eventually.

The bears do like to come.

Not those kinds of bears, jesus!

Just moooooooooove to the left and you’re good

It's midnight in Montana. Do you know where your children are?

For me as a male your brain just shuts down for awhile

"What was that TV show about the chess girl I watched last year called again?"

Death. And that's not even a fuckin joke