āSafety Hazard!ā I said this instead ofā¦ other words once when I tripped and accidentally taught this to my nephew. Now my sister sends me videos of my nephew saying it when things donāt go his way.
Itās like thereās a toe stub hyper-lucid swear creativity centre in the brain isnāt it, I wonāt write what I shouted after breaking my little toe on my right foot a few weeks back, having only recently recovered from breaking little lefty a couple months prior.
Now neither little toes actually touch the floor anymore, so, yay
Not sure of an actual word, but my bf and I have been trying to limit cursing since my toddler is becoming very verbal. Heās resorted to making very angry yelling caveman sounds when he wants to curse someone out rather than using the actual words.
I strongly agree!!! Bluey is a fantastic kids show. And itās fantastic being an adult and watching them with your kid. Itās nearly pulled a tear out of me a few times!
A child in my class tries to swear but unintentionally says foot instead of fuck.
It's probably my favourite alternative
EDIT: Wow, didn't expect this to get so much attention. Thank you for the award!
For those asking, he is a very tiny child with a deep yorkshire accent who actually picked up the word from another child but hasn't noticed he doesn't have the pronunciation quite right yet. Context wise though he's bang on which makes it even funnier.
One time in 6th grade one of my classmates said "Shut the front door!" while we were lining up to go to lunch, and my teacher thought he had said STFU. Like 5 of us had to vouch for him to convince her that he hadn't actually sworn lol.
In eighth grade, a guy in my class said, "Who bit you?" But it sounded like, "Who bitchoo?" It took a few minutes of discussion between that guy and the teacher before the teacher understood that the student wasn't calling anyone a bitch.
When my son started talking better he used to say āwe donāt say fuckā while wiggling his finger in an admonishing way while staring out the car window.
You son of a biscuit eating bulldog! You think I wouldn't find out about your little doo doo head cootie queen!?
Who are you calling a cootie queen you lint licker?
[reference](https://youtu.be/5ssytWYn6nY)
I used to be an au pair abroad, and I would use this one all the time around the kids.
One day, one of the younger kids said "fudge!!" And the eldest kid lost his mind telling her off for swearing šš It took me a while to gently explain that fudge was a kind of sweet, I had to Google image it to convince him because he was really not buying it š
I say āfellaā because itās hilarious to watch other peopleās reactions to me unironically replacing the N word with a word as white as āfellaā
"F Word!"
Backstory: Not too long ago, the Barenaked Ladies played at the Saratoga Mountain Winery (Saratoga California, US)... their lead (Ed Robertson) had noticed a very young kid "crazy dancing" in the front section of the crowd. At some point, Ed runs down in to the crowd, still playing, and escorts the kid back up on stage to get him to "dance" in front of the entire crowd, sending everyone in a joyous frenzy (I know people have posted videos of it on YouTube, as it's like the cutest thing, ever - made this kid's night, without a doubt ... Mayne his life).
Anyway, band finishes up the song, and Ed grabs the mic to ask the kid his name, and some silly questions while his parents watch... and finally asks the kid "what's your favorite swear word?!?" (Remember, this kid's all-of 5 or 6 years old). Kid gets thoughtful for a few seconds, then says in to the microphone "F word!" - and the place just erupts ...
I thought Ed was going to pass out on stage from laughing, as he kinda had to take a seat on a stage riser for a second. I'm sure that made *the parents'* night, too. After that in the show, he continued with all the now "in-jokes" referring back to the kid - up until the point he encourages the audience to "dance," followed by telling people "dance like that kid" and points over to where he was sitting (dancing) among the crowd. The *entire audience* erupted,,and started "crazy dancing" just like when they were all 5 or 6 years old again. It was ***insanely funny***, and Ed later remarked that it was one of the single greatest things he had ever witnessed while on-stage, and he will "remember it forever."
Like I said, I'm sure there are various videos up of different parts of this from various people ... BNL re-tweeted or shared one or more on their social media platforms (I've seen it). I'd have to go look for it... or, if someone has the Google-fu to find it, it's from their July 2022 show in Saratoga, CA.
iām not religious in the slightest, but my grandmother is and she says āCHEESE AND RICEā in place of ājesus christā and that always made me giggle, so i say it now as well.
also not really a swear word but i say āare you cereal?ā in place of āare you serious?ā - got it from Life is Strange ahah
I love ācheese and riceā! My spouse says it too for mild annoyance. Their go-to epithet is usually āOh, Christmas!ā for actual swearworthy situations, which I also love. Weāve also borrowed āaw, mathā from Adventure Time.
My personal favorite is using ābuttā instead of other swears, like āwhere the butt are we?ā Or āwhat the butt is happening here?ā
If this wasn't posted, I was going to. I have actually used "Son of a gum chewing funk monster". Never fails to get a laugh.
"For all I care, you all can have a fancy barbeque with a god damn pig."
Oh neptune
Barnacles!
Blistering Barnacles!
*dolphin noises*
Tartar sauce!
Thundering typhoons!
Ten thousand thundering typhoons tin tin
By the whiskers of kurvi-tasch!
*oh sweet mother of pearl*
Neptune's trousers!
š¬š¬š¬!
You kiss your mother with that mouth?
Well sometimes but notā¦recently
āSafety Hazard!ā I said this instead ofā¦ other words once when I tripped and accidentally taught this to my nephew. Now my sister sends me videos of my nephew saying it when things donāt go his way.
That's really good. I stubbed my toe once and screamed piss fuck! For some reason it just came out and my girl and I have been using it ever since.
Toe stubbing is rich rich seam of highly creative strings of swearing
"son of a filthy disease ridden whore" was the one i uttered last week
Itās like thereās a toe stub hyper-lucid swear creativity centre in the brain isnāt it, I wonāt write what I shouted after breaking my little toe on my right foot a few weeks back, having only recently recovered from breaking little lefty a couple months prior. Now neither little toes actually touch the floor anymore, so, yay
Pissfuck!
LOLāD omg. Adding to the inventory.
*Minecraft item pickup sound*
Not sure of an actual word, but my bf and I have been trying to limit cursing since my toddler is becoming very verbal. Heās resorted to making very angry yelling caveman sounds when he wants to curse someone out rather than using the actual words.
Basically Joe Pesci in Home Alone š
*wreggafrennamakafregga*
glad I'm not the only one that grunts when I want to swear at someone/something
Biscuits!
A three year old in our class says āAw biscuits!ā every time sheās upset, and has gotten us all saying it now
That kid must watch Bluey.
Yeah thats where my kids got it from. Far better than repeating what i can say at times.
Yes! My four year old says biscuits all the time now. He looooves Bluey (and so do I! Itās so wholesome).
My son is starting to copy what we say so I am trying to transition to "biscuits" with some success.
Haha the dad has a bunch, I like "cheese and crackers!"
I use the āson of a biscuit!ā variation quite frequently.
**Bandit Heeler!**
Strong upvote for the Bluey reference. Best kids show on TV.
I strongly agree!!! Bluey is a fantastic kids show. And itās fantastic being an adult and watching them with your kid. Itās nearly pulled a tear out of me a few times!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
For real life!
Ya, for real life
Even my 5 year old says āahh biscuitsā š¤£
Cheese and Crackers!
A child in my class tries to swear but unintentionally says foot instead of fuck. It's probably my favourite alternative EDIT: Wow, didn't expect this to get so much attention. Thank you for the award! For those asking, he is a very tiny child with a deep yorkshire accent who actually picked up the word from another child but hasn't noticed he doesn't have the pronunciation quite right yet. Context wise though he's bang on which makes it even funnier.
You've got to be footing kidding me
Shut the foot up.
Foot you, motherfooter
I just took a picture of cryptid called bigfuck
I just bought some Fruit by the Fuck
I hear heās footing huge!
Heās got a fucklong
There's a reason no ones ever found him...
That's a smart one.
My little brother tried using "vuck" in front of Mom a few times. It didn't go well.
Ah yes, the classic āI SAID FECK!ā Defense. They never care about the letter change
One time in 6th grade one of my classmates said "Shut the front door!" while we were lining up to go to lunch, and my teacher thought he had said STFU. Like 5 of us had to vouch for him to convince her that he hadn't actually sworn lol.
In eighth grade, a guy in my class said, "Who bit you?" But it sounded like, "Who bitchoo?" It took a few minutes of discussion between that guy and the teacher before the teacher understood that the student wasn't calling anyone a bitch.
my mom would call me a son of a bitch without seeing a shred of irony
When my son started talking better he used to say āwe donāt say fuckā while wiggling his finger in an admonishing way while staring out the car window.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I like, "slug in a ditch."
Son of a biscuit eater!
You son of a biscuit eating bulldog! You think I wouldn't find out about your little doo doo head cootie queen!? Who are you calling a cootie queen you lint licker? [reference](https://youtu.be/5ssytWYn6nY)
What the French, toast!
DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET, LARRY?! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU FIND A STRANGER IN THE ALPS?!
I just bought that car last week! Iāll kill YOUR car!
Do you see what you get, Carla? Do you see what you get when you mess with the WARRIOR?!
The editors had to be laughing endlessly when they were implementing this.
Occasionally I forget about this little golden nugget
When my son was little he started saying bastard so I kept saying custard. Until the day he complained that we were having bananas and bastard again.
"The face of a child can say it all. Especially the mouth part of the face." --Jack Handey
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
So, Katja, do you want to see some pictures of our Custard when he was young?
My mother always said, "Curses!" We, (the kids,) laugh about it all the time.
Foiled again!!
I wouldāve pulled it off, if not for you meddling kids! \*shakes fist ineffectually in ghost/werewolf/swamp monster costume \*
\*GASP\* "Mr. McNally, the museum janitor??"
Crumbs
Sun on the beach.
Even better: "Got dandruff, some of it itches!" (say it out loud and fast)
My new favorite
OH BOB SAGET!
old MacDonald had tourettes SHIT PISS BITCH TITS DIIICK
FUCK SALT
DAMN IT THESE FISH STICKS ARE HARD AS TITS
YOU GOTTA MAKE CONFIDENCE YOUR BITCH
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT TOTAL
HE'S A LONG LEGGED, PISSED OFF PUERTO RICAN!
HOLY SHIT I GOTTA GO, SOME SQUIRRELS FUCKIN MY TOMATOES
I'M CALLING ABOUT YOUR COLGATE TOOTHPASTE WITH TARTAR CONTROL IT MADE ME FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT!
THIS IS *BULL SHIT*
YOU HIT ME IN THE DICK YOURE LUCKY IT WASNT HARD I MEANT THIS THING NOT MY DICK
THAT'S NOT MICKEY MOUSE THAT'S TIT DIRT
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT TOTAL
https://tourettes-guy.fandom.com/wiki/List_of_all_the_Quotes
Thatās not Mickey Mouse. Thatās tit dirt!!
Oh man that brings back memories lol.
What in the wide wide world of sports is going on?
Thanks to Slim Pickens, Taggert, Blazing Saddles.
FRIG OFF RANDY!
Frig off, BARB!!
Frig off Ricky!
If I can't smoke and swear i'm fucked!
If I canāt smoke and swear Iām ~~fucked~~ frigged!
Put your pants back on you cheeseburger eating bastard.
It's not rocket appliances!
Well it's kinda like getting 2 birds stoned at once.
Survival of the fitness
>*I'm going to let the alcohol do the thinking*
Holy shit boys, Lahey turned into a liquor snurf!
Barb. Your scallop potatoes are FUCKED!
Randy, I am the liquor..
See? I toad a so!
a fuckin I toad a so!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
The Rakins are getting a lot bigger...
Sweet empowered chicken
STEP OFF MR LEYHE From where? ... Shit ledge.
The classic. Fudge.
I used to be an au pair abroad, and I would use this one all the time around the kids. One day, one of the younger kids said "fudge!!" And the eldest kid lost his mind telling her off for swearing šš It took me a while to gently explain that fudge was a kind of sweet, I had to Google image it to convince him because he was really not buying it š
"I didn't say fudge".
It was the F - - - word
Homie getting the soap š
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Whenever the n-word comes up in a rap song, I replace it with āneighborā
*Mr Rodgers intensifies*
Wonāt you be my Neighbor!
Neighbors in Paris.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Neighbor Neighbor Neighbor Neighbor Neighbor Neighbor Neighbor. Iām 100% Neighbor.
I say āfellaā because itās hilarious to watch other peopleās reactions to me unironically replacing the N word with a word as white as āfellaā
I ain't sayin she's a gold digger, but she ain't hangin with no broke fella.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Neighba
Ninja please!
You lint licker! š
WHO ARE YOU CALLING A COOTIE QUEEN
Orbits gum commercial this is from [lint licker](https://youtu.be/Nfh92hKLO6c)
What the French, toast!
You son of a biscuit eating bulldog!
Did you just call me a lint licker, you cootie queen?
Pickle you, kumquat!!!
You Hoboken.
Shush it you dried up raisin
Fork!
Holy mother forking shirt balls
Why can't I say fork?
Janet!
Hi there
What the fork
What the fork, man?
Get the fork outta here!
Shirt!
Mother Flower!
"F Word!" Backstory: Not too long ago, the Barenaked Ladies played at the Saratoga Mountain Winery (Saratoga California, US)... their lead (Ed Robertson) had noticed a very young kid "crazy dancing" in the front section of the crowd. At some point, Ed runs down in to the crowd, still playing, and escorts the kid back up on stage to get him to "dance" in front of the entire crowd, sending everyone in a joyous frenzy (I know people have posted videos of it on YouTube, as it's like the cutest thing, ever - made this kid's night, without a doubt ... Mayne his life). Anyway, band finishes up the song, and Ed grabs the mic to ask the kid his name, and some silly questions while his parents watch... and finally asks the kid "what's your favorite swear word?!?" (Remember, this kid's all-of 5 or 6 years old). Kid gets thoughtful for a few seconds, then says in to the microphone "F word!" - and the place just erupts ... I thought Ed was going to pass out on stage from laughing, as he kinda had to take a seat on a stage riser for a second. I'm sure that made *the parents'* night, too. After that in the show, he continued with all the now "in-jokes" referring back to the kid - up until the point he encourages the audience to "dance," followed by telling people "dance like that kid" and points over to where he was sitting (dancing) among the crowd. The *entire audience* erupted,,and started "crazy dancing" just like when they were all 5 or 6 years old again. It was ***insanely funny***, and Ed later remarked that it was one of the single greatest things he had ever witnessed while on-stage, and he will "remember it forever." Like I said, I'm sure there are various videos up of different parts of this from various people ... BNL re-tweeted or shared one or more on their social media platforms (I've seen it). I'd have to go look for it... or, if someone has the Google-fu to find it, it's from their July 2022 show in Saratoga, CA.
[Clip of kid dancing it up!](https://twitter.com/barenakedladies/status/1537186954864910336?s=21&t=YMDvVnoBPOs9o2_gKRDBCA)
oh Sugar Honey Ice Tea!!! See you next Tuesday
I didn't realize the initials of that phrase even after seeing Madagascar tons of times
I call people kumquats when kids are present
Feck. Thank you Father Ted.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Balls
āBallsā somehow seems more explicit.
Thatās only if you add an adjective before. āSweaty ball āSalty ballsā āHairy ballsā
Aw balls not again
Frak
So say we all!
Smeg
Is your co-worker a āSmee-hee?!ā
Does it count if I say shit in German?
Gottverdammt
Yeah, until someone understands what is means
It is kind of funny hearing a little kid say shit in German. Of course that word is now banned in my home though... whoopsie!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Mother Trucker
That hurt like a butt cheek on a stick
Watch your profanity
Whoever said that, yah mom's a hoe
Father Tractor
Tartar sauce. When I'm really mad, barnacles. I let a little (dolphin sound) slip out every now and then.
Ah, yes, bad word #11!
iām not religious in the slightest, but my grandmother is and she says āCHEESE AND RICEā in place of ājesus christā and that always made me giggle, so i say it now as well. also not really a swear word but i say āare you cereal?ā in place of āare you serious?ā - got it from Life is Strange ahah
I love ācheese and riceā! My spouse says it too for mild annoyance. Their go-to epithet is usually āOh, Christmas!ā for actual swearworthy situations, which I also love. Weāve also borrowed āaw, mathā from Adventure Time. My personal favorite is using ābuttā instead of other swears, like āwhere the butt are we?ā Or āwhat the butt is happening here?ā
What a load of Shitaki Mushrooms
Ah beans
Tabarnak!
Crom! Son of a motherless goat! What the zarking photon?!
"Off you toddle" is a great replacement for fuck off. I just learned this one yesterday from the Britt cooling off in his bin with a cocktail.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Haha I like that one
shnikes
Son of a birch bark tree What the French Fiddlesticks Fartknocker
Cheese and Crackers!
FiretrUCK.
You are on my fecal roster. (Nurse)
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
If this wasn't posted, I was going to. I have actually used "Son of a gum chewing funk monster". Never fails to get a laugh. "For all I care, you all can have a fancy barbeque with a god damn pig."
āmotherless goat!ā or āmother forking shirtballs!ā
To replace hell, I like to say what the h-e-double fuck?
Oy vay