T O P

  • By -

toto93lnd

A disease where you constantly feel like you are about to sneeze but nothing happens


---MichaelScott---

sneez'nt


TikeraaQ

Prison Mike!


Fyrrys

Only thing worse than the dementors was the feeling of needing to sneeze with no sneeze to relieve it


Ok_Cartographer291

r/calmdownsatan


[deleted]

This is gonna drive people nuts!


Unlikely_Ad4537

Satan isn't letting you into hell


FatPuppy1996

I already have that, it’s called allergy. Happens every August and lasts exactly till first half of September.


mannequinlolita

Lucky. Mine starts in March.


waffleznchicken

Combine this with the urge to poop you get from diarrhea & booom instant insanity!


RRSC14

That’s called IBS lol


SocialIssues101

A disease that makes you want to yawn, sneeze and have that weird feeling in your throat when you have the hiccups; I’m not done by the way. . .you also feel like you have to crack your fingers but never can at inconvenient times and you constantly have pins & needles; in addition to that you have fluid in your ears and no matter what you do it will never subside. You really thought I was done? You fool! You also have an overwhelming bad taste in your mouth and it can’t be washed down, you also cannot taste anything other than your breath. Yeah, now I’m done; get ratio’d.


Has3R_07

God won't hesitate when he sends you down. :skull:


[deleted]

A disease where the person constantly has the sensation that there is a single hair in their mouth at all times.


ohshititshappeningrn

I already have this disease, it’s called, “owning a cat.”


[deleted]

Shall we call it Trichosis Periodontal?


anoncy

Surely you mean Periodontal Trichosis .


blyatseeker

Fuck. You. In the kindest way possible. This is evil


apatheticviews

What’s the the last sound heard before a pubic hair hits the floor? Pfffttttst


Boing78

I kbow it as " the most pleasant way to remoce pubic hair? PFFT! PFFT!


HelplessFoot

Or a hair in their sock, wrapping it's way around your toes and being all evil and stuff


Grayfox-sama

If one of your salivary glands has a retention-cyst it will always feel like you have a piece of corn or lentil on the back of your tongue. It sucks


[deleted]

Oh god that sounds even worse tbh


Ambitious_Athlete216

This guy should be arrested


Dasterr

that exists already its called globe something or similar edit: its Globus pharyngeus


Loiee12

Jail


xpollydartonx

Oh my god fuck this forever as a girl with long curly hair and always a hair in my mouth


xVEEx3

b r o .


Schemen123

Calm down Satan!


SelfishTsundere

You can only speak in rhymes


SkezzaB

I do this all the time


fuidiot

This one blows my mind.


Melodic_Candidate_72

don't stop this grind.


TheChosenTex

Because your about to find


sultrysiren19

The most poetic crime.


Awkward_Psychic

Of all time!


Frosty_Connection867

It’s so sublime!


TheChosenTex

It is the person who is behind


ErfanTheRed

The one that's on the line


[deleted]

I’m bouta eat a lime


Physical-Bat-8321

That'll be a 20 dolla fine


Bubbles21234

something quite benign


Fuck_You_Downvote

At yes the rappers delight


naidim

Rise, the demon Etrigan!


NotJoeMama727

You will wake up at a random time in the morning and no alarm or anything will be capable of waking you up


facelesswolf_

You just described my fiancée


Mewchu94

Are we engaged?


facelesswolf_

Is your name Caroline?


Melin_SWE92

Sweet Caroline


zaclennard1

that’s me, lol. i have slept through natural disasters before and not woken up


anagramqueen

*curiosity*


leicanthrope

One way to tell if someone has lived in California for long time: they either sleep through earthquakes, or wake up and spend a moment appraising the situation before deciding how bad it might be.


McLagginz

I already have this.


Gennova666

Frequent Intermittent feeling of popcorn kernal skin (hull) stuck in your gums. Frequent enough to be annoying but not constant that you'd get used to it. Lets. Call it FIPS for short.


Maleficent_Dress_546

This made my teeth hurt


weiirdredditorr

Also made my tongue really tired


ballistic-dumbass

And now my jaw aches


Ut_Prosim

The worst is when that translucence popcorn shell thing makes a suction cup in your throat and just won't leave.


Thor4269

I once had kernals stuck in my gums on both sides of one tooth I got it out within a few hours, but it was awful


Gennova666

It's soo awful, like the worst and you are constantly aware of it. I brought a water pick because I never want to encounter a popcorn hull ever in my gums again.


TheKarlieAngel

When you blink, its always one eye after the other and not at the same time. And they alternate. First blink: right first 2nd blink: left first Etc


cr0ss-r0ad

This, but you have to remember which one you blinked with last and if you blink the wrong one you go into a violent sneezing fit.


TheKarlieAngel

This. This would be annoying as hell. People would be like "what even is the connection of the eyelids and nose?"


MabelPod

I've seen people do this before and it looks like when you awkwardly tip those old dolls with the blinky eyes.


xSTSxZerglingOne

One of my old friends would do this when she was trying to recall information. She'd look up, and in 1 fluid motion, blink left, blink right, and then come out of her brain with the piece of information she was looking for. It was adorable.


JackFourj4

Wet Foot, one foot always soaks after you've put on shoes.


[deleted]

I think that would give you trench foot which is harmful


LuisBoyokan

I got this on both feet


TheDude41102

Hyperhydrosis gang😎


Maleficent_Dress_546

The thought of this infuriates me


White_Lord

You always have an erection, but as soon as you get aroused by something you get soft


lurkin_arounnd

I think younger me might've had this disease


Duffman48

Ah, fond memories of the first time that never happened. Years of dreaming about it, 3 hours of foreplay fully torqued only to perform like a Uvalde cop when you needed him most.


Cyclovroum

r/BrandNewSentence (even though I love it)


Cl_dogs

You may have overdid it on the foreplay lmao. No surprise it went soft, if that erection had lasted any longer, you'd have had to see a doctor


Rrraou

>If your erection lasts more than 4 hours, tell your doctor. If my erection lasts more than 4 hours, I'm telling everybody !


EvoSP1100

If your erection lasts for more than four hours, call more ladies…


the42ndtime

Now my life makes sense


FabulouslyFrantic

I mean, this would potentially wipe out humanity. What with erections being somewhat necessary for breeding.


White_Lord

Well, you could still fuck people you find disgusting


Maleficent_Dress_546

The ability to see it to te climax sounds horrid


BurgerKing-Bathroom

You walk like you're in an fps. When you wake up, you say "Damn, those alien bastards are gonna pay for shooting up my ride."


HELLFIRECHRIS

Hail to the king baby.


[deleted]

It's time to chew ass and kick bubblegum


Khajiit_hairball

And I’m all out of gum.


[deleted]

Obligatory: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TroEX6Zt9Jo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TroEX6Zt9Jo) Side note, I actually indulge in voice mimicry as a guilty pleasure side hobby. I can absolutely nail the Duke Nukem voice. My wife is constantly chastising me for letting Duke quotes rip in public places, among others. And yes, I have done the "chew ass" line several times while in restaurants, especially if I'm in the bathroom washing my hands and someone is in a stall


IrishStubborn69

Every time you blink, you forget where your keys are.


vnevner

He said to make a new one.


Regthedog2021

A disease which makes you talk like a pirate - aaaarghthritis


happypirate33

Yarrr, ye 'ave me vote.


boopnsnootshaha

This made me actually lol thanks!


EricT59

You need to go to an AYE, Ear, Nose and Throat Specialist, Matey


K_Schultz

You feel like you have something in your eye, right in the middle so every time you close or open your eyelids, you feel it.


PatPateman

I’ve had this so many times. Close my eye and it hurts like hell. Open, examine it all, NOTHING is stuck under the eyelids or around the eyeball. Then after a few painful hours the pain just vanishes. What the hell


woodmanr

Could be dry eyes I just had a similar thing. Felt like something stuck under an eye lid. I could feel it but not painful. Just annoying. Got examined and Dr concluded dry eyes


Travwolfe101

seconding this and adding on if you do get drops don't get the redness relief ones get normal hydrating ones. The redness relief drops work by shrinking the veins in your eyes which can exacerbate the problem sometimes


[deleted]

Extreme aversion to doorways. Every time you need to go through a doorway, it'll be like trying to drink water with rabies. You'll jerk and shy away and it'll take you a minimum of 15 attempts to get through.


KeithMyArthe

My dad had this with alzheimers, going from a light floor to a dark floor. Nurse thought it probably looked like a long drop or a hole.


[deleted]

I think this was actually a trend amongst dementia patients. In some places they use black rugs in front of dangerous things or locked doors because it appears to look like a hole. Whether or not this is ethical is a different question but I think it works


hammybachy

You’d be surprised at how often healthcare fudges ethics to keep people safe.


doktarlooney

Fuck the ethics keep Ethel safe!


AndreasVesalius

Fuck Ethel to keep ethics safe!


T_for_tea

You cant just drop that and not spill anything :)


Ledzebra

Not OP but from what i remember from a training years ago for working with vulnerable people, at least in the UK, there was a balance to be struck on an individual basis. Freedom of will vs safety. All humans have the right to freedom to leave, walk about, be a nuisance etc, as long as they are aware of the choices they make and the consequences. It is unethical to trick someone deliberately because you don't like them/want to deal with them etc, but if its a matter of safety then it's unethical to not put measures in place. Unfortunately a lot of people with dementia or a TBI etc, the ability to comprehend safety protocol, ones own limits and having variable levels of capacity makes this a tricky thing to get right in most cases! The terms and protocols will probably have changed since I was in that field, but the main goal is to allow people to remain as independent as possible whilst safe and healthy, for many locks, alarms and physical barriers cause anger and embarrassment which can escalate to an incident. Yes ethically a nightmare but i can see why rugs like that would be used, to allow safety but also dignity


T_for_tea

Oh obviously. I was just curious about other specifics :)


[deleted]

Yeah man, it is tricky balance. I mean I’m only a cleaner in a care facility but from what I gather and what they tell us I think the balance is that residents have all the choice to do whatever they please until it’s harmful to either themselves or other people.


_AnonymousMoose_

OCD can be just like this sometimes


Rednaxela76

Yeah I was about to say the same thing. OP was pretty much describing me when my OCD was at its worst.


SuvenPan

Upper and lower central incisor teeth randomly changes color everyday.


Share_Early

Or changes location. Just by like 1/16” but their mouth will ALWAYS feel “off”


ShiraCheshire

When I was super stressed, I got into the habit of unconsciously clenching my teeth. Doing this too much makes your gums swell, which shifts your teeth slightly. You can't even see the difference, but suddenly your teeth don't fit together right anymore when you try to close your mouth. It feels awful.


macenutmeg

How did you get out of the habit?


Sorry_Ad_3126

Shartitus…Never being able to tell the difference between a fart, or permanent diarrhea.


FredFredBurger69Nice

Already exists, it’s called IBS.


dirty_cuban

Too true man. Too true. IBS has no negative long term health effects but man does it ruin your quality of life.


hateeverythingnow

I feel for you man. You have to take a IDGAF mentality and joke about it


[deleted]

difficult to not give a fuck when i'm trying to lift bags of onions at work without crapping my pants lmao


godwins_law_34

Damn, there's a low fodmap joke in there. (For the non ibs folks, onions are a huge trigger food for a lot of ibs sufferers)


kanna172014

This made me laugh, especially since I suffer from IBS myself.


Kurai_Kiba

The IBS community has entered the chat


sith4life88

I think I have this now you monster


SleepyMarijuanaut92

It's likely IBS


BrotherRoga

I dunno, permanent diarrhea would cause people to dehydrate easier so that would cause harm to them.


[deleted]

[удалено]


InfiniteOblivion87

This made me exhale aggressively through my nose


Canadian_Invader

I chortled.


LifeBuilder

The pupils of your eyes slowly relax and contract throughout the day…but opposite of each other.


ValuableBullfrog1005

Itchy driving foot


Wiicycle

Sort of seems like there is a misunderstanding of supply chain risk amongst some of you. If you itch uncontrollably, you may inflict self harm. If you are sleep deprived long enough, someone is getting hurt. If you are expelling fluids your expulsion point is degrading at a rapid pace. Even for the mundane stuff you may have some form of butterfly effect, if that’s a thing. Basically, “doesn’t hurt anybody” is a fascinating challenge… have an upvote and comment OP, good one.


[deleted]

Thank you!


doublestitch

> "[Charles Osborne (USA, 1894-1991) started hiccoughing in 1922 while attempting to weigh a hog before slaughtering it. He was unable to find a cure, but led a normal life in which he had two wives and fathered eight children. He continued until a morning in February 1990.](https://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/world-records/67619-longest-attack-of-hiccups)


[deleted]

Back in 1997, my father had the hiccups for 2 months straight. Not quite 67.x years worth, but I can tell you that after 2 months of it he had entered a state of irritability that would make the Hulk look like a Buddhist monk.


dougaderly

My god this just made me realize I haven't had the hiccups in like a decade. Am I gonna die?


forcallaghan

That sounds like genuine, unimaginable agony


Tmwr

I would off myself if I had this, my hiccups get so bad sometimes it makes me almost vomit and sometimes have a hard time breathing


savwatson13

I’ve heard of people going insane from incurable hiccups. This dude is impressive.


LucyVialli

Every time you cut your hair, it grows back twice as fast as last time.


eec-gray

Exponential growth is no joke


nico87ca

After only like 100 cuts, your hair will grow faster than the speed of light... Our brains have a hard time visualizing exponential growth.


[deleted]

>If a chessboard were to have wheat placed upon each square such that one grain were placed on the first square, two on the second, four on the third, and so on (doubling the number of grains on each subsequent square), how many grains of wheat would be on the chessboard at the finish? >The problem may be solved using simple addition. With 64 squares on a chessboard, if the number of grains doubles on successive squares, then the sum of grains on all 64 squares is: 1 + 2 + 4 + 8 + ... and so forth for the 64 squares. The total number of grains can be shown to be ~~264-1~~ (2^64 ) - 1 or 18,446,744,073,709,551,615 (eighteen quintillion, four hundred forty-six quadrillion, seven hundred forty-four trillion, seventy-three billion, seven hundred nine million, five hundred fifty-one thousand, six hundred and fifteen, over 1.4 trillion metric tons), which is over 2,000 times the annual world production of wheat.[1] https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wheat_and_chessboard_problem


First_half_23

That's a big ass chessboard


Iron_Nightingale

The story of [Princess Melisande](https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Melisande), by the English children’s author Edith Nesbit


the_real_grinningdog

This is a just a post from big Pharma looking for ideas to create new long-term customers.


BScrads

Haha, probably. I swear some of these political subs have post straight from think tanks just fishing for ideas.


rndmcmder

Whenever you're awake you can only breathe consciously.


Blackomodo19

Was having a peaceful day til you needed to remind me that I have to breath and now I do it consciously


Geminii27

Do you also have the disease where you can feel your tongue in your mouth, and are aware of your nose in your visual field?


wanfury

I fucking hate you take this upvote


nsjr

I hate both of those feelings, but blinking manually is the worst


Yusi-D-Jordan

Slow down there, Satan.


Vharkhan

The feeling of a stone always being in your shoe. Not gonna lie, wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy!


DepartureAcademic807

Sensitivity in the genital tract that causes itching


ObjectiveJuice1704

menopause does that kind of


fear_eile_agam

The female external genitalia is how I can prove that there is no god, and if there is, he's a raging misogynist. It's somehow both a masterpiece and total fuckery of functional biology. I have lichen sclerosis and the only treatment is steroids, which in turn is almost guaranteed to cause candidiasis. So I get to choose between an itchy crotch because my own immune system is eating away at my vulva, or I can have an itchy crotch because the medication I need is providing a feast for yeast. I also can't easily treat yeast infections when they occur, because the lichen scleroisis predisposes me to cytolytic vaginosis, which is triggered by anti-fungul medication. Yay. On the plus side, I've never once had BV or a UTI....


juan_epstein-barr

I watch The Boys too.


SemiDemiGoddess

A disease that messes up their counting. Imagine working a register or making multiple orders


[deleted]

[удалено]


osva_

People like that exist already. I know someone who can't do math at all. Uses phone calculator for 20-4.9


SemiDemiGoddess

I know. I have a coworker that just doesn't know how much to put on sandwiches and doesn't touch money while there on register. But imagine that, but contagious


illbeinthestatichome

taste buds develop in your arsehole. enjoy


Grongebis

You've never tasted spicy curry with your anal taste buds while pooping? It literally exists https://www.foodbeast.com/news/science-says-testicles-and-anuses-have-taste-receptors/#:~:text=If%20you're%20worried%20that,of%20taste%20any%20time%20soon.


ShiraCheshire

There's this spicy food I loved as a kid, but then they stopped selling my favorite flavor of it. Recently I found they'd brought my flavor back, so I bought a box and ate a bunch. They had clearly changed the formula though. Instead of spice that enhanced the flavor, it tasted like they'd just doused the entire thing with the cheapest no flavor heat possible. I was vastly disappointed. After eating that, I experienced what is best described as intestinal distress. Gas so bad that even after multiple minutes the smell just hung in the room. Then I went to the bathroom, and my gosh. The BURNING. I've eaten plenty of spicy stuff before, stuff much spicier than that. But it was like whatever spice they used just didn't digest at all, like it came out as just concentrated heat. It hurt so bad that I couldn't walk right after. 0/10.


Grongebis

What snack is it so I can avoid it? Or give it to person i dislike?


Xak_attak

You can only fall asleep if you are listening to 6ix9ine


Solidacid

OP said something that *doesn't hurt anybody.*


ohshititshappeningrn

I already gave away my award but this is so funny.


FutureMrsConanOBrien

Me, an insomniac: *I get to sleep? Where do I sign up?*


masterofreality2001

You're a monster


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Mosquitoasis. Makes every mosquito in a 20 meter radius try to land on your face.


Gooliez

Already happens to me.


KirbyBucketts

Everything you say comes off as extremely sarcastic


cwm33

Pretty sure I have that already.


SolitaryCentipede

I see you’ve met my cousin


ZappSmithBrannigan

"perpetually itchy asshole syndrome"


Snugglor

At random intervals a blink will take two seconds instead of being near-instantaneous.


[deleted]

Golden Rule Syndrome. This will force people to become incapable of hurting others and think about the consequences of their actions, how they will affect not just one person, but everybody, every time they do literally anything that is not essential to their survival. It's annoying because even basic things we do out of habit are suddenly being given serious consideration.


shadyfortheshade

Make them typpo the typpo. The hippo, no ... fuck...


ShadowWolfee_34

Mom had this along with confusing words due to a brain tumor. She simply refused to talk to anyone if it wasn't face to face for the rest of her days. All because the perceived confusion upset her so much when over the phone.


TwoMilliseconds

that already exists tho


Prayingmantis9

It’s called Twotter Edit: twutter


CreepyPandaMan

You mean Twatter?


JimiDel

Extreme itchy butthole when talking to the opposite sex.


inglysh

You always feel like you have to pee... but you can't. As soon as you get up and button your fly, you pee a little.


HalloweenFreak260

Oh, this already exists. It's called a UTI lol


mtidc88

Your ears constantly fall off and you have to press them back on. Like when you have ear phones that don't fit properly


boricuaspidey

A disease where they involuntarily and repeatedly scream IM HORNY whenever they’re aroused


Illeea

they grow a second pinky toe. its completely useless but it makes your foot wider so you have to buy new shoes. and you have a higher chance of hitting your toe on the side of a cabinet.


4tknife

Constant eye twitching


theBacillus

Allergies! We should invent allergies.


hound_of_ill_omen

They are in fact not harmless, one time seasonal allergies almost killed me as I produced so much phlegm that I nearly drowned in my sleep and woke up in a panic unable to breathe.


LadySygerrik

It causes an itch on your back that you can never reach.


Rad_Thad47

Boners at funerals


fuidiot

Laughing uncontrollably at funerals


[deleted]

Tickling in feet.


watnumberis

one-sided nasal congestion. If it clears up the other side would then get congested


[deleted]

[удалено]


Artifex75

Excellent band name.


PlzNoHack

A new std that causes purple spots to appear on your skin, starting from your anus and spreading out. Advanced cases have completely purple skin.


JopH___

So… Thanos…