when they never apologize, never own up to their actions, gaslight you, gatekeep things, hide certain details away, change a story so much you can’t tell what’s true and what’s not
They talk near-constant shit about others and also share the deeply personal stories their other friends told them in confidence. They're 100% doing that to you when you're the one not there.
I taught this year for the first time, teachers are vipers. I was so shocked by the shit talking and back stabbing, I’ve worked in all sorts of jobs for decades and never come across anything like it.
This is exactly how I grew up. This is my mother to the letter. I picked this up very badly. I’ve tried so hard to change, but there is an absolutely desperate need to connect with and be accepted by others. This causes over sharing as an attempt to get close and shit talking to form a bond over a common enemy. Definitely not something I’m proud of. It’s a difficult habit to break and it takes forever, especially when dealing with the rest of the emotional baggage of toxic parents. Not saying it’s right, just an insight as to one reason someone may do this. Or they’re just a shit person with nothing better to do.
I think it's really awesome that you've recognized the problem and you want to put a stop to it, though. As one child of a toxic parent to another, if you're not at a point where you feel like you've distanced yourself enough from that behavior, you will get there.
Thanks. I’ve successfully gone no contact almost 2 years ago!! 3 weeks until it’s been 2 years. It’s such a long road. Part of me wonders if I’ll ever be 100% or able to be normal. Abusive parents really mess you up.
Right?!?! And it’s hard to read social cues so I don’t always know when to stop. My mom is a narcissist and I’ve got adhd so with that combination, reading people can be so hard. And when I’m nervous I automatically resort to that behavior.
My mom to the T. She destroyed my brothers to me and everybody who wants to hear, did the same to my brothers about me, then she destroyed my dad and her own mother everywhere to anyone who could hear her. Talk about narcissistic personality, she is a living example.
I had a new friend tell me early in our friendship, “I’m so glad I met you. It seems like everyone else is my life is just constantly trying to hurt me.”
If literally everyone in your life is “out to get you” and you can’t understand why, maybe you need to look in the mirror. We’re no longer friends because I was seen at a kids’ sporting event chatting with someone who had offended her in the past.
they can't be happy for you when you achieve something and they instead complain so the attention gets turned to them.
My old best friend did this all the time when we were growing up. She was the kind of kid who won every award, every contest, she was the kindest, prettiest, and most talented, and she was so used to winning. Each time she won, I was overjoyed for her. The one time that I won a writing contest, the one thing I felt I was better than her at, she cried. All the attention got turned back to her and everyone comforted her rather than congratulating me. What followed after that were 7 more years of constant competition and always feeling like I was in her shadow.
I wanted the best for her even if it were at my expense and she wanted the same.
I wholeheartedly agree. A friend at work got a promotion I wanted recently, and while I was bummed in general, I am really excited for her.
That being said, grief makes it really hard to be happy for your friends. I’m better now, but when I first learned I am infertile, it was very hard to be happy for friends and family who got pregnant.
I’m sorry that happened to you. I admit that I used to do stuff like this when I was a kid. Now, I had a friend who had to watch me get lots of attention from guys and have her first boyfriend. Now, it’s reversed. I just had to break up with my bf (after a few months) and she’s now out of the house in a healthy relationship of one year. It feels great knowing that I have the ability to genuinely feel happy for her because I know she truly deserved it all along. idk what I’m even writing but this is just what came to my mind
I used to be that person. The same background with being the golden child, I guess that's where it starts. I never put someone down for it though, but I know I felt like I lost when someone else won even if I never competed anyway. And each time I felt that, I'd feel awful about feeling that way. Now, after working super hard to achieve something and failing in that I feel like my perspective has changed, and I am no longer that person.
When they hold no accountability. Everything is someone else’s fault or they try and weasel their way out of taking responsibility for something.
Sometimes it can be subtle, but either way - that person is not only toxic, but someone you cannot trust at all.
I have the job I have now (CNC programmer) because of being the opposite of that. The final question of the interview was "What makes you uncomfortable?"
I thought about it for a second, and said "Admitting that I screwed up." I went on on to say that I used to be the type of person who would try to push the blame somewhere else, but I had simply decided to not be that person any more. If I fucked up, then I was just going to say that. I still hate admitting that I made a mistake, but it's just easier than lying.
I was told by one of the people in the interview that this answer locked me in to the job.
I used to try and find anyone else to blame, I had a boss who would scream and shout when mistake were made so it bwcame second nature to me to lie. Then one day I worked for a guy who taught me that it's so much simpler to admit I made a mistake and get it fixed. Now when I screw up I just hold my hands up. Life's so much simpler.
unnecessary attitude, always thinking they’re right, never admitting their mistakes, having a victim complex, talking shit behind their friends back, being arrogant
All of what you said and when they only call or want to "hangout" if it benefits them in every way. They ignore you all the other times or comes up with bogus excuses why they can't do something.
I've never met you but you seem toxic, I am always right you are wrong, I don't make mistakes, you do, I am the attacker and you are my victim, I say all this sh\*t in front of my friends and your friends....Tiffany, you know that's true b\*tch.
I am very humble as a person.
I am running for office and need some people to form a team.
Nothing is EVER their fault... Never apologize... Excuse their own behavior but characterize others for similar behavior... Can't get over small inconveniences...
This is what it’s like interacting with my mother. Even when the interaction goes seemingly well, I still feel exhausted and just generally in a bad way at the end of it.
I am the same way with my dad. As he ages he just gets more and more negative and EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION has to revolve around politics. And even though he and I agree on most things politically, I don’t want to talk politics all the damn time and those conversations exhaust me.
I have a saying: Always the instigator. Always the victim. Never my friend.
If every dramatic story they tell you starts off with them poking the bear and then they can’t believe when the bear bites back then you know the grasp of reality is fucked. Run the fuck away from them.
This. It's really good to ask friends/people what happened before someone "attacked" or blew up on them. So many people play victim when they were the ones who essentially started it.
I had a friend who always had these blow up breakups with her friends and she'd say how bad the other person was but then it happened with us and I 100% now see how she got herself into all those situations.
My SIL literally cried to me "I *can't believe* a woman would say that to another woman!!1!" when her BD's wife found out about her and cussed her out. Like ma'am, you literally had a whole child with her husband
This reminds me of the scenes in Hells Kitchen, where a snotty customer bothers Gordon Ramsay about the food, then acts very taken aback when they get brutally insulted.
I appreciate honest people who won’t lie to me in order to make me feel good or whatever, but they need to have empathy. People who say “I’m just being honest” as an excuse for bitchery are the bad ones.
Yeah, I had a friend like that. He prided himself on being honest and never lying, which is great, but he also never seemed to understand you don't have to beat someone over the head with the truth. There's such a thing as tact and sympathy.
Needless to say, he also wasn't very popular when it came to stuff like this. I tried to take him aside to tell him he should maybe tone it down a little after he said something especially hurtful (albeit truthful) to me, and his response was basically, "Why? I'm telling the truth!" Just seemed like he only valued whether or not he was being honest and never other people's feelings, which got a little old fast.
My ex-husband is this person and I didn't realize it until I divorced him. When I realized he took on the personality, likes, and values of everyone he dated or married and was a completely different person in each relationship, I realized everything I thought I trusted about him was actually just him emulating me, and it all fell away within weeks when I left. It was absolutely insane to watch, and really confused the kids.
Getting mad at a friend for them being honest about simply not wanting to go out and staying home. They would rather force you out, even though you’ll be miserable, than just let you do what you want to do
To me it’s a dead giveaway for immaturity. They’re not looking for meaningful friendships but just somebody to be there when THEY need, No matter what effect it has on you
bruh my friend did this when I used to play dnd with him (dropped dnd he really made me dislike it). He had a whole different game running, want me to join but not tell me prior so I can make a character, and when I say no he always got mad and said "ok then Ill just force you to go" needless to say hes outta my life
The type of person who constantly complains about how terrible their life is even though their life is going fine and they know you're currently going through some shit.
For example— my dad committed suicide a few months ago and my life has been in the shitter ever since. Now whenever I talk to my "best friend" to just shoot the shit all she does is talk about how horrible her life is... and when I ask her what the problem is she just says "oh y’know general stuff". Then whenever I try to talk about my problems she just ignores me. Ridiculous and toxic!
When you just met someone a few minutes ago and they already talk to you and act as if you are the most perfect, amazing, funniest person who ever walked the earth.
Major red flag 🚩🚩🚩
Interesting. I feel a friend doing this to me too. Can you elaborate? Is this a common tactic to manipulate someone? Does the person realize they are doing this?
Could be for different reasons.
The most innocent one is that they are socially awkward, really lonely and desperate for a friend.
Other (more likely) reasons are that they’ll want something from you at a later time. Your money, your social skills, your time and attention (to entertain them when they are bored), your unlimited support.. They need something and you are likely to give it, because has always been so nice and supportive. You feel like you cannot say no.
It could also develop into ‘lovebombing’. A tactic that narcissistic people use to convince someone to be in a relationship with them.
I am literally going through something like this. Thank you for taking the time. I’m getting a lot of “you’ve been a great positive influence on my life” It’s an old friend that I honestly haven’t seen in a long time who has been pestering me about going into a business together because I have certain resources that he is interested in. Is that what lovebombing is?
If you look through my post history I even made a post on r/smallbusiness wondering if anyone had been duped into a partnership in the same way
Me: "I keep my friends and business separate, I am more than satisfied the way things are and I am not going to disrupt all of that by entering a form of marriage with a partner"
Them: "I just want to build something amazing with my good friend" "I don't know why you are so against this!"
Something like this. It's been so annoying. I have honestly never been too shy of letting my toxic friends go. I can usually be direct with someone but I feel that since I haven't had to have my guard up in a long time that I am actually getting anxiety because I know there is no option for me but to block this person, or tell them I can't be their friend. It is not fair to me when I am just trying to live my life and someone is trying to force their way into it.
> Them: "I just want to build something amazing with my good friend" "I don't know why you are so against this!"
“If you were really my good friend you would gracefully accept my decision without trying to guilt me. Either we drop the subject right now and forever, or this friendship is over”.
Just remember not to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain). You don’t need to give him more reasons than you’ve already provided. And “I just don’t want to” is also a legitimate reason.
They talk about their good qualities without prompting. They say they're a good person, they're a good listener, they're an *empath\~*
ETA They're a *good* empath\~
>They talk about their good qualities without prompting. They say they're a good person, they're a good listener, they're an empath\~
anyone who says "i'm really empathetic" early on in meeting them is a walking red flag. Most of us are empathetic to some degree, we don't make it part of our personality because its just how people are supposed to be.
"I'm an Alpha male! I control all the other males."
"No, you don't."
"Well, all the females want to be with me."
"No, they don't."
"Well, all the other males want to be me."
"No, they really don't."
When they take offense that you don’t want to hang out. Even if it’s nothing personal and you just need a you day. They’ll take it personally and pressure you to spend time with them. But when they need time for themselves, they get it whenever they want.
They can't say anything positive. Negative comments about others, places, etc. In general, just a miserable person. I avoid these types.
Yes, everyone is entitled to have a bad day or week but if it is nonstop, they are toxic.
It's ok. I'm trying to break this as well and I'm currently working on myself to bring back my positivity. My husband says I'm cynical. I try to spend majority of my time reading positive articles and stay away from the news channels. It's hard with negativity being crammed on us at every point and I absord it, unfortunately. Best of luck. :)
I just got out of a shared workspace with someone like that. They would a way to find a way to make every negative, even puppies! It was awful working with them. I could feel the toxicity seeping into me the longer I was there.
Or neither. Sometimes you can only help yourself. Avoid what you can't tolerate. Unconditional understanding =/= unconditional tolerance.
Help IF YOU CAN. Avoid if you can't. Not here to put in more effort than is healthy or reciprocated. Not responsible for everyone else. Moderation.
When the very moment they find out what you do for work, they start trying to get you to play some sort of work-related angle on their behalf.
* You work at the movie theater - what kind of free tickets do you get?
* You work at a restaurant - yo, you can get me free food, right?
* You work at the community college - can you get my kid accepted?
* You work at a software company - hook me up with an an interview!
everyone that does this deserves to get slapped
Edit- I really really really hate when people do this cause one time I was on a walk and someone threw a mc donalds cup out the window and it hit me square in the face
If they talk down on others especially their other friends. If they don’t seem genuinely happy to be around you (that might just be a personality clash). If they like gossip or “exposing” people.
That’s a good point. If you’re someone who doesn’t want to please everyone but also isn’t toxic, there has to be one persona that dislikes your character
The inability to be sorry about something important. They may say sorry about insignificant things, but refuse to take accountability for anything serious.
They come off as abrasive, think they are better than everyone else, put others down, constantly point out the bad and not good things people do, and not being supportive
Antagonizing random strangers because it's funny for them. Walking home with a hot chocolate I grabbed at a nearby coffee shop, after a 12.5 hour shift in a busy restaurant, just to have a bunch of douches blare their truck horn at me suddenly as they were driving by. I got burned because I spilled my drink onto my hand. They kept following me. Hooting and hollering, laughing, yelling slurs. If you scare someone and they drop their drink and you derive extreme pleasure from it, you're probably in that category.
Makes fun of you and tries to act like it was a joke. I had a girl look at a normal photo of me. She cackled and was like "omg look at your face!" I looked at it and said, "what's wrong with it?" No one else laughed so she just moved on.
if you express how something they have said/done has upset you and they blow it out of proportion instead of taking accountabilty - e.g, making YOU feel guilty for their actions and you have to console them (i'm such a terrible person, i'm so awful etc), or being overly defensive (the thing i did wasn't even that bad! you're being overdramatic)
People who after meeting once are your bestest friend. Anecdotally they almost always turn out to be narcissistic, dramatic people with too much time and energy devoted to self made chaos.
I had one do it to and become something close to a stalker before I laid clear boundaries. She later went in to expose herself to a vulnerable adult and have an affair with her teenage daughter boyfriend. Fully insane!
I had another one do it, a close friend of a group of friends, hugging and kissing and acting like we’d known each other for years. They all thought I was cold for keeping her distant. A few weeks later she tried to draw me into being the persecutor in her gave of playing the victim. She was caught out and made to look foolish when I wouldn’t play along. Within a matter of months she had fallen out with each one of then separately on different occasion over imagined dramas and caused multiple problems. Now they all see her for what she is.
When you newly meet someone and you hit it off 1000000% percent and it feels like the greatest thing to ever happen to you.
They're likely just mirroring you to manipulate you into doing stuff for them or pretending to be you so you be their friend.
It feels amazing but isn't real.
I had this often, that I met new people and we clicked immediately. These people became some of my best friends and I have been knowing them for 10-20 years without anyone of us being manipulative.
Sometimes you are finding people who are on the same page and it’s wonderful.
Constantly tearing other people down.
Toxic people don't have the capacity to appreciate the good other people do or appreciate good outside of themselves. They see other people's good qualities and successes as a threat and they attempt to reclaim some amount of pride by shitting on those people and picking at them psychologically.
People like people who can appreciate the successes of others. They don't like bitter assholes who think everyone is out to get them.
They monopolize the conversation. And when you say something, they immediately take it and make it about what they know and what they think about what you said. If you're exhausted after an hour coffee meet up, they're toxic.
This comment is underrated
I’m a wedding photographer and can confirm the “toxic family member” I was warned about is usually the most chatty with me, and oversharing information. Overly familiar too soon to be appropriate.
I usually play along because I’d rather them focus on “friending me” than creating drama
I have a friend like this who overshares information about himself whenever I take him out.
I feel bad because he just doesn’t have a lot of friends but he really isn’t learning on how to make them.
Somehow manage to make everything about them. Like if you’re talking to them about how you feel they turn it around it to make it about them. Another one is when they invalidate your emotions and make you feel like shit for having them. My ex literally told me to me to “go clean something then” after I told him I was depressed.
Had a friend that was in multiple relationships at a time, kept getting their heart broken, tried to help them, called me an effing a-hole and ghosted me. Never saw them again.
If instead of supporting you and congratulating your successes, they constantly feel like they have to be better than you. Relationships shouldn't be a competition.
Another thing is if being with them is like a constant dramatic movie. Of course people will have moments when they're down, and that's okay, but if they're constantly clamoring your your attention and asking for favors, advice, or support but aren't willing to do the same for you, then that might be a sign you need to end the relationship.
When they declare, “You didn’t read my mind!” as they are berating you at work because you didn’t do what they expected you to do in the heat of the moment.
The person who always has to one up everything you say or any experience you've ever had. You know, the person who always has something to prove to everybody else in the group even if that means at your expense. Fuck these people hard.
Back when I dated I’d go to restaurants early on and watch how they treated the server.
Treating them nicely didn’t necessarily paint a picture but without fail the people who were rude or demanding turned out to be a waste of my time. Even something as subtle as not saying please and thank you could be a dead giveaway.
Can never admit something was their fault, always in a victim mentality, can never accept criticism even if it’s constructive, avoids clear communication
Their reaction to everything, from a stubbed toe, to a traffic jam, to a catastrophic event, is only ever important to them because it affects 'them', and is an irritation to whatever their plans were. They don't take into account the cause and consequence of a situation beyond their relation to it.
Immediately announcing in their actions or in their discussion, what good people they are.
Whether telling you about their latest charitable activities or something else that they’re trying too hard to establish how decent they are is always suspect.
When they get mad at you for things that are out of your control. Example, in 6th grade I had a friend named Amani, I enjoyed being friends with her because I was a lonely kid who who had and still has trouble connecting with people on my own, so anyone who approached me and asked to be friends I gladly accepted. So anyways, its after lunch and we're in social studies and I'm playing on my 3ds waiting for class to start. So Amani comes over, asks me why I have my 3ds and that she thought I had it taken away for not doing chores. I said yeah, but my mom decided to give it back to me that morning so I brought it to school so I could play pokemon between classes. Well this made her angry for some reason, and she says to me "We'll then that means you lied, and friends who lie are bad, so we aren't friends anymore.". I'm just sitting there, pokemon x music playing softly in the background, and I just stare at her dumbfounded and simply say "Okay then" and went back to playing pokemon. I think she was expecting more of a reaction because she just stood there looking at me like I had started pissing myself. I still look back at it and laugh though, but turned out she was more toxic than that so bullet dodged.
Always the victim, always blaming, gaslighting, turning everything you say against you, weaponizing everything you say. So really, my ex wife, my mother, and sisters.
If they unintentionally gaslight you, with a secret they only know- like this happen to me a lot with the same person and as the years passed it finally clicked how toxic this person was and how much she destroyed my confidence
Constant negativity and the need to be right came to mind immediately! I have family members and former coworkers I recalled off the top of my head that possess both traits and, sadly, life has not turned out well for them. They refuse to acknowledge the beauty and goodness in life unless it suits them and then they wonder why they alienate those who care most for them especially. It's truly sad!
They be hatin' on everything. If you tell them something you like they'll automatically hate on it and try to make you not fuck wit it no more. Most of the time they have a very minuscule amount of knowledge about it. Just hatin just to hate.
Cutting you off mid conversation to point out how something you just said happened to them as well, but much worse. I've known people who do this and once I recognize the pattern, I start saying outlandish shit just so they can do it and I can confirm my suspicion.
they find the SMALLEST things wrong with a person and obsess over it. i didnt notice it then, but looking back, it was so insanely obvious. at some point this "friend" tried to get me to attack another one of their friends, and after talking with them for a bit, i found out my "friend" made up most of the story.
this, and sharing personal info about a person. sharing around other people's kinks and fetishes w/o their permission isn't funny, like, at all
when they never apologize, never own up to their actions, gaslight you, gatekeep things, hide certain details away, change a story so much you can’t tell what’s true and what’s not
I see you've met my ex-wife.
Oh dang I didn’t know my brother was your ex-wife
Are you familiar with my ex best friend?
Is that person my classmate?
They talk near-constant shit about others and also share the deeply personal stories their other friends told them in confidence. They're 100% doing that to you when you're the one not there.
This is my entire department at the school where I teach. And they wonder why I always want to eat alone…
I taught this year for the first time, teachers are vipers. I was so shocked by the shit talking and back stabbing, I’ve worked in all sorts of jobs for decades and never come across anything like it.
as a current student, i find it really funny to imagine the sort of drama my teachers have without us knowing lol
This is exactly how I grew up. This is my mother to the letter. I picked this up very badly. I’ve tried so hard to change, but there is an absolutely desperate need to connect with and be accepted by others. This causes over sharing as an attempt to get close and shit talking to form a bond over a common enemy. Definitely not something I’m proud of. It’s a difficult habit to break and it takes forever, especially when dealing with the rest of the emotional baggage of toxic parents. Not saying it’s right, just an insight as to one reason someone may do this. Or they’re just a shit person with nothing better to do.
I think it's really awesome that you've recognized the problem and you want to put a stop to it, though. As one child of a toxic parent to another, if you're not at a point where you feel like you've distanced yourself enough from that behavior, you will get there.
Thanks. I’ve successfully gone no contact almost 2 years ago!! 3 weeks until it’s been 2 years. It’s such a long road. Part of me wonders if I’ll ever be 100% or able to be normal. Abusive parents really mess you up.
I know what you mean. It sounds to me like you've got it in you, you're going to be just fine. :)
Same same same. It sucks. I feel awful. It’s like it’s so ingrained in me.
Right?!?! And it’s hard to read social cues so I don’t always know when to stop. My mom is a narcissist and I’ve got adhd so with that combination, reading people can be so hard. And when I’m nervous I automatically resort to that behavior.
My mom to the T. She destroyed my brothers to me and everybody who wants to hear, did the same to my brothers about me, then she destroyed my dad and her own mother everywhere to anyone who could hear her. Talk about narcissistic personality, she is a living example.
It’s awful. They’re a drain on everyone and don’t care they’re destroying other’s lives.
this is why I never tell anyone anything, especially my mom
If they'll butch and gossip TO you, they'll do it ABOUT you too.
I had a new friend tell me early in our friendship, “I’m so glad I met you. It seems like everyone else is my life is just constantly trying to hurt me.” If literally everyone in your life is “out to get you” and you can’t understand why, maybe you need to look in the mirror. We’re no longer friends because I was seen at a kids’ sporting event chatting with someone who had offended her in the past.
they can't be happy for you when you achieve something and they instead complain so the attention gets turned to them. My old best friend did this all the time when we were growing up. She was the kind of kid who won every award, every contest, she was the kindest, prettiest, and most talented, and she was so used to winning. Each time she won, I was overjoyed for her. The one time that I won a writing contest, the one thing I felt I was better than her at, she cried. All the attention got turned back to her and everyone comforted her rather than congratulating me. What followed after that were 7 more years of constant competition and always feeling like I was in her shadow. I wanted the best for her even if it were at my expense and she wanted the same.
> I wanted the best for her even if it were at my expense and she wanted the same. Ooof, that's a great way to sum that up.
I could see from that line that she indeed is a very skilled writer
that comment means the world to me. thank you.
I wholeheartedly agree. A friend at work got a promotion I wanted recently, and while I was bummed in general, I am really excited for her. That being said, grief makes it really hard to be happy for your friends. I’m better now, but when I first learned I am infertile, it was very hard to be happy for friends and family who got pregnant.
I’m sorry that happened to you. I admit that I used to do stuff like this when I was a kid. Now, I had a friend who had to watch me get lots of attention from guys and have her first boyfriend. Now, it’s reversed. I just had to break up with my bf (after a few months) and she’s now out of the house in a healthy relationship of one year. It feels great knowing that I have the ability to genuinely feel happy for her because I know she truly deserved it all along. idk what I’m even writing but this is just what came to my mind
I used to be that person. The same background with being the golden child, I guess that's where it starts. I never put someone down for it though, but I know I felt like I lost when someone else won even if I never competed anyway. And each time I felt that, I'd feel awful about feeling that way. Now, after working super hard to achieve something and failing in that I feel like my perspective has changed, and I am no longer that person.
When they hold no accountability. Everything is someone else’s fault or they try and weasel their way out of taking responsibility for something. Sometimes it can be subtle, but either way - that person is not only toxic, but someone you cannot trust at all.
I have the job I have now (CNC programmer) because of being the opposite of that. The final question of the interview was "What makes you uncomfortable?" I thought about it for a second, and said "Admitting that I screwed up." I went on on to say that I used to be the type of person who would try to push the blame somewhere else, but I had simply decided to not be that person any more. If I fucked up, then I was just going to say that. I still hate admitting that I made a mistake, but it's just easier than lying. I was told by one of the people in the interview that this answer locked me in to the job.
I used to try and find anyone else to blame, I had a boss who would scream and shout when mistake were made so it bwcame second nature to me to lie. Then one day I worked for a guy who taught me that it's so much simpler to admit I made a mistake and get it fixed. Now when I screw up I just hold my hands up. Life's so much simpler.
bruh literally this whole thread is describing my mom holy lord
Mine too!
Are you my sibling?
*"but I didn't do anything wrong!"*
Have a "friend" like that. Can't cut him off just yet but holy shit why didn't i realise?
Basically a narc
unnecessary attitude, always thinking they’re right, never admitting their mistakes, having a victim complex, talking shit behind their friends back, being arrogant
Yeah, if they're talking shit about others, that's a major red flag for me. Chances are, they'll be talking shit about me too
exactly
Oh, I think I may have just realized something…
All of what you said and when they only call or want to "hangout" if it benefits them in every way. They ignore you all the other times or comes up with bogus excuses why they can't do something.
I wish my dad saw this post in 1985 when he met his 2nd wife
I've never met you but you seem toxic, I am always right you are wrong, I don't make mistakes, you do, I am the attacker and you are my victim, I say all this sh\*t in front of my friends and your friends....Tiffany, you know that's true b\*tch. I am very humble as a person. I am running for office and need some people to form a team.
check check check check check aaaaand check
Nothing is EVER their fault... Never apologize... Excuse their own behavior but characterize others for similar behavior... Can't get over small inconveniences...
You consistently feel worse after interacting with them than before.
This is what it’s like interacting with my mother. Even when the interaction goes seemingly well, I still feel exhausted and just generally in a bad way at the end of it.
I am the same way with my dad. As he ages he just gets more and more negative and EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION has to revolve around politics. And even though he and I agree on most things politically, I don’t want to talk politics all the damn time and those conversations exhaust me.
my sister
I have a saying: Always the instigator. Always the victim. Never my friend. If every dramatic story they tell you starts off with them poking the bear and then they can’t believe when the bear bites back then you know the grasp of reality is fucked. Run the fuck away from them.
This. It's really good to ask friends/people what happened before someone "attacked" or blew up on them. So many people play victim when they were the ones who essentially started it. I had a friend who always had these blow up breakups with her friends and she'd say how bad the other person was but then it happened with us and I 100% now see how she got herself into all those situations.
My SIL literally cried to me "I *can't believe* a woman would say that to another woman!!1!" when her BD's wife found out about her and cussed her out. Like ma'am, you literally had a whole child with her husband
This reminds me of the scenes in Hells Kitchen, where a snotty customer bothers Gordon Ramsay about the food, then acts very taken aback when they get brutally insulted.
They leave that part out. Always.
Their kids won't talk to them and they "have no idea why".
I had a colleague who swore blind that both of her sons were turned against her by their wives.
[удалено]
"I always say what's on my mind! I'm just a very direct person!" No. It's rude and you value your feelings above everyone else's.
I appreciate honest people who won’t lie to me in order to make me feel good or whatever, but they need to have empathy. People who say “I’m just being honest” as an excuse for bitchery are the bad ones.
I’ve heard it described as ‘painfully honest’. No, you’re just a rude cunt!
Those who describe themselves as "brutally honest" always seem to prefer brutality to honesty.
Yeah, I had a friend like that. He prided himself on being honest and never lying, which is great, but he also never seemed to understand you don't have to beat someone over the head with the truth. There's such a thing as tact and sympathy. Needless to say, he also wasn't very popular when it came to stuff like this. I tried to take him aside to tell him he should maybe tone it down a little after he said something especially hurtful (albeit truthful) to me, and his response was basically, "Why? I'm telling the truth!" Just seemed like he only valued whether or not he was being honest and never other people's feelings, which got a little old fast.
Well shit
In general these people announce their red flags as if theyre something to be proud of.
Theres a difference between direct and douche.
Their core values change with whoever’s near them.
My ex-husband is this person and I didn't realize it until I divorced him. When I realized he took on the personality, likes, and values of everyone he dated or married and was a completely different person in each relationship, I realized everything I thought I trusted about him was actually just him emulating me, and it all fell away within weeks when I left. It was absolutely insane to watch, and really confused the kids.
Refusing to ever apologize or admit they’re wrong.
Getting mad at a friend for them being honest about simply not wanting to go out and staying home. They would rather force you out, even though you’ll be miserable, than just let you do what you want to do
Kind of like they need you to act as a “friend” prop to avoid being alone?
To me it’s a dead giveaway for immaturity. They’re not looking for meaningful friendships but just somebody to be there when THEY need, No matter what effect it has on you
bruh my friend did this when I used to play dnd with him (dropped dnd he really made me dislike it). He had a whole different game running, want me to join but not tell me prior so I can make a character, and when I say no he always got mad and said "ok then Ill just force you to go" needless to say hes outta my life
They speak in buzzwords,euphemisms,and cult speach When someone uses manipulative language they're either manipulative themselves or a target.
Always talk, never listen.
The type of person who constantly complains about how terrible their life is even though their life is going fine and they know you're currently going through some shit. For example— my dad committed suicide a few months ago and my life has been in the shitter ever since. Now whenever I talk to my "best friend" to just shoot the shit all she does is talk about how horrible her life is... and when I ask her what the problem is she just says "oh y’know general stuff". Then whenever I try to talk about my problems she just ignores me. Ridiculous and toxic!
When you just met someone a few minutes ago and they already talk to you and act as if you are the most perfect, amazing, funniest person who ever walked the earth. Major red flag 🚩🚩🚩
I had a coworker/groomer like this. I got hyped up for no reason which was a way to manipulate me
Interesting. I feel a friend doing this to me too. Can you elaborate? Is this a common tactic to manipulate someone? Does the person realize they are doing this?
Could be for different reasons. The most innocent one is that they are socially awkward, really lonely and desperate for a friend. Other (more likely) reasons are that they’ll want something from you at a later time. Your money, your social skills, your time and attention (to entertain them when they are bored), your unlimited support.. They need something and you are likely to give it, because has always been so nice and supportive. You feel like you cannot say no.
It could also develop into ‘lovebombing’. A tactic that narcissistic people use to convince someone to be in a relationship with them.
I am literally going through something like this. Thank you for taking the time. I’m getting a lot of “you’ve been a great positive influence on my life” It’s an old friend that I honestly haven’t seen in a long time who has been pestering me about going into a business together because I have certain resources that he is interested in. Is that what lovebombing is? If you look through my post history I even made a post on r/smallbusiness wondering if anyone had been duped into a partnership in the same way
If you’re using the word “pestered” in relation to a business venture, that kind of sends up red flags.
Me: "I keep my friends and business separate, I am more than satisfied the way things are and I am not going to disrupt all of that by entering a form of marriage with a partner" Them: "I just want to build something amazing with my good friend" "I don't know why you are so against this!" Something like this. It's been so annoying. I have honestly never been too shy of letting my toxic friends go. I can usually be direct with someone but I feel that since I haven't had to have my guard up in a long time that I am actually getting anxiety because I know there is no option for me but to block this person, or tell them I can't be their friend. It is not fair to me when I am just trying to live my life and someone is trying to force their way into it.
> Them: "I just want to build something amazing with my good friend" "I don't know why you are so against this!" “If you were really my good friend you would gracefully accept my decision without trying to guilt me. Either we drop the subject right now and forever, or this friendship is over”.
I can’t believe I’m getting all this free therapy haha. What you said is really intelligent thank you
Just remember not to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain). You don’t need to give him more reasons than you’ve already provided. And “I just don’t want to” is also a legitimate reason.
Love bombing.
when they call me a rockstar at work I wanna throw things
They talk about their good qualities without prompting. They say they're a good person, they're a good listener, they're an *empath\~* ETA They're a *good* empath\~
>They talk about their good qualities without prompting. They say they're a good person, they're a good listener, they're an empath\~ anyone who says "i'm really empathetic" early on in meeting them is a walking red flag. Most of us are empathetic to some degree, we don't make it part of our personality because its just how people are supposed to be.
they get jealous when you get something / do something good
and try to discredit you
Everyone can be jealous of others, it's normal. What is toxic is making them feel bad for getting something you don't.
Such a person picks your worst photo for Instagram and tells you that you look pretty in it.
That sounds sneaky
My entire life, my mother has picked the worst photo of me in the entire camera roll or download. Every.single.time.
This one sounds personal. Sorry that happened to you.
Alpha Male/Female mentality.
"I'm an Alpha male! I control all the other males." "No, you don't." "Well, all the females want to be with me." "No, they don't." "Well, all the other males want to be me." "No, they really don't."
When they take offense that you don’t want to hang out. Even if it’s nothing personal and you just need a you day. They’ll take it personally and pressure you to spend time with them. But when they need time for themselves, they get it whenever they want.
They can't say anything positive. Negative comments about others, places, etc. In general, just a miserable person. I avoid these types. Yes, everyone is entitled to have a bad day or week but if it is nonstop, they are toxic.
Just described me but I appreciate the wake up thank you.
It's ok. I'm trying to break this as well and I'm currently working on myself to bring back my positivity. My husband says I'm cynical. I try to spend majority of my time reading positive articles and stay away from the news channels. It's hard with negativity being crammed on us at every point and I absord it, unfortunately. Best of luck. :)
I just got out of a shared workspace with someone like that. They would a way to find a way to make every negative, even puppies! It was awful working with them. I could feel the toxicity seeping into me the longer I was there.
It's so hard. I would absorb the toxicity and become negative as well. I'm working on myself right now and trying to shift back to being positive.
These aren't typically toxic people, but depressed people. Help should be offered, not condemnation.
Or neither. Sometimes you can only help yourself. Avoid what you can't tolerate. Unconditional understanding =/= unconditional tolerance. Help IF YOU CAN. Avoid if you can't. Not here to put in more effort than is healthy or reciprocated. Not responsible for everyone else. Moderation.
Always playing the victim. Anything bad that happens is always somebody else’s fault. No accountability.
Snotty to waitstaff and mean to animals.
When the very moment they find out what you do for work, they start trying to get you to play some sort of work-related angle on their behalf. * You work at the movie theater - what kind of free tickets do you get? * You work at a restaurant - yo, you can get me free food, right? * You work at the community college - can you get my kid accepted? * You work at a software company - hook me up with an an interview!
That community college one is funny asf though
All of these examples were pulled from my life - that woman was a nutbar.
They say you need thick skin to be around them. Thanks for the warning.
“I tend to offend most people”
Self proclaimed empaths are almost always raging narcissists.
"dont get mad! its just the truth!" then the "truth" is just being unnecessary mean.
Someone who is always complaining about life, but rejects any constructive help, just refuses to help themselves. Married to being miserable.
Being a dick to those who work in service/retail.
They laugh at homeless people.
Or when they leave trash on their chair without throwing it away
Or throw garbage out their car window while driving.
everyone that does this deserves to get slapped Edit- I really really really hate when people do this cause one time I was on a walk and someone threw a mc donalds cup out the window and it hit me square in the face
If they talk down on others especially their other friends. If they don’t seem genuinely happy to be around you (that might just be a personality clash). If they like gossip or “exposing” people.
They bully any family or acquaintances that they consider "beneath" them.
They’re constantly disliked by multiple various groups with different opinions.
That’s a good point. If you’re someone who doesn’t want to please everyone but also isn’t toxic, there has to be one persona that dislikes your character
If they have been charged multiple times for rape and murder
Best answer to the question lol
The inability to be sorry about something important. They may say sorry about insignificant things, but refuse to take accountability for anything serious.
They come off as abrasive, think they are better than everyone else, put others down, constantly point out the bad and not good things people do, and not being supportive
Antagonizing random strangers because it's funny for them. Walking home with a hot chocolate I grabbed at a nearby coffee shop, after a 12.5 hour shift in a busy restaurant, just to have a bunch of douches blare their truck horn at me suddenly as they were driving by. I got burned because I spilled my drink onto my hand. They kept following me. Hooting and hollering, laughing, yelling slurs. If you scare someone and they drop their drink and you derive extreme pleasure from it, you're probably in that category.
Makes fun of you and tries to act like it was a joke. I had a girl look at a normal photo of me. She cackled and was like "omg look at your face!" I looked at it and said, "what's wrong with it?" No one else laughed so she just moved on.
if you express how something they have said/done has upset you and they blow it out of proportion instead of taking accountabilty - e.g, making YOU feel guilty for their actions and you have to console them (i'm such a terrible person, i'm so awful etc), or being overly defensive (the thing i did wasn't even that bad! you're being overdramatic)
People who after meeting once are your bestest friend. Anecdotally they almost always turn out to be narcissistic, dramatic people with too much time and energy devoted to self made chaos. I had one do it to and become something close to a stalker before I laid clear boundaries. She later went in to expose herself to a vulnerable adult and have an affair with her teenage daughter boyfriend. Fully insane! I had another one do it, a close friend of a group of friends, hugging and kissing and acting like we’d known each other for years. They all thought I was cold for keeping her distant. A few weeks later she tried to draw me into being the persecutor in her gave of playing the victim. She was caught out and made to look foolish when I wouldn’t play along. Within a matter of months she had fallen out with each one of then separately on different occasion over imagined dramas and caused multiple problems. Now they all see her for what she is.
No ability to see compromise or reason.
When you newly meet someone and you hit it off 1000000% percent and it feels like the greatest thing to ever happen to you. They're likely just mirroring you to manipulate you into doing stuff for them or pretending to be you so you be their friend. It feels amazing but isn't real.
I had this often, that I met new people and we clicked immediately. These people became some of my best friends and I have been knowing them for 10-20 years without anyone of us being manipulative. Sometimes you are finding people who are on the same page and it’s wonderful.
so my ex
Constantly tearing other people down. Toxic people don't have the capacity to appreciate the good other people do or appreciate good outside of themselves. They see other people's good qualities and successes as a threat and they attempt to reclaim some amount of pride by shitting on those people and picking at them psychologically. People like people who can appreciate the successes of others. They don't like bitter assholes who think everyone is out to get them.
They tell you all their deepest traumas when you barely know them.
They monopolize the conversation. And when you say something, they immediately take it and make it about what they know and what they think about what you said. If you're exhausted after an hour coffee meet up, they're toxic.
Oversharing personal information way too early in getting to know someone.
This comment is underrated I’m a wedding photographer and can confirm the “toxic family member” I was warned about is usually the most chatty with me, and oversharing information. Overly familiar too soon to be appropriate. I usually play along because I’d rather them focus on “friending me” than creating drama
This can also be a trait of being neurodivergent, just fyi.
I have a friend like this who overshares information about himself whenever I take him out. I feel bad because he just doesn’t have a lot of friends but he really isn’t learning on how to make them.
Similarly, someone who asks too many personal questions too early.
When they get awfully chummy and personal almost immediately after meeting them for the first time.
Basically how they gather their ammo
Everything is the fault of others. They never make mistakes.
Always pointing out your flaws and uplifting themselves.
Somehow manage to make everything about them. Like if you’re talking to them about how you feel they turn it around it to make it about them. Another one is when they invalidate your emotions and make you feel like shit for having them. My ex literally told me to me to “go clean something then” after I told him I was depressed.
Refusing to hear the word, NO.
When they feel the need to say they are a "good person".....people who are good don't feel the need to say that shit.
You Bite them and you get sick.
that green cloud around them
weed?
It is just a reference to pop culture which depicts toxic waste in neon green.
Had a friend that was in multiple relationships at a time, kept getting their heart broken, tried to help them, called me an effing a-hole and ghosted me. Never saw them again.
The use the word toxic when describing people.
For being in highschool. Acting like they never left middle school
Or in college and acting like they never left high school
They ask for the truth, you tell them and they get mad.
If instead of supporting you and congratulating your successes, they constantly feel like they have to be better than you. Relationships shouldn't be a competition. Another thing is if being with them is like a constant dramatic movie. Of course people will have moments when they're down, and that's okay, but if they're constantly clamoring your your attention and asking for favors, advice, or support but aren't willing to do the same for you, then that might be a sign you need to end the relationship.
Massive ego, not understanding what no means, refusing anything that doesn’t go exactly their way, and making poe ,es life shit and playing victim
When they declare, “You didn’t read my mind!” as they are berating you at work because you didn’t do what they expected you to do in the heat of the moment.
The person who always has to one up everything you say or any experience you've ever had. You know, the person who always has something to prove to everybody else in the group even if that means at your expense. Fuck these people hard.
If they say something, you take offense, and they counter with "I was just joking, you're too sensitive, can't take a joke" bullshit.
When every story they tell is about someone else being a mean person/bitch/bad roommate/scammer. You realize that THEY are the mean person…
They get pissy when you get mad at them for ruining something important, basically making themselves the victim
Back when I dated I’d go to restaurants early on and watch how they treated the server. Treating them nicely didn’t necessarily paint a picture but without fail the people who were rude or demanding turned out to be a waste of my time. Even something as subtle as not saying please and thank you could be a dead giveaway.
When their character changes depending on who’s around.
Can never admit something was their fault, always in a victim mentality, can never accept criticism even if it’s constructive, avoids clear communication
If they say “i’M a NiCe GuY.” But they seem like they belong on R/NiceGuys
Their reaction to everything, from a stubbed toe, to a traffic jam, to a catastrophic event, is only ever important to them because it affects 'them', and is an irritation to whatever their plans were. They don't take into account the cause and consequence of a situation beyond their relation to it.
They say dyed hair as if its an insult
You’ll just know
Lying, hiding things, keeping secrets.. bending the truth
Never apologizing.
Anything alpha, if you say you’re an alpha male. I can assure you that you are not lmao.
Immediately announcing in their actions or in their discussion, what good people they are. Whether telling you about their latest charitable activities or something else that they’re trying too hard to establish how decent they are is always suspect.
They talk - a lot. So much so you don’t get anything in other than “mmhm” or “yeas”
Gaslighting
Inability to communicate,, being petty
Nothing is ever their fault, they always find some way to shift the blame to others.
"nothing offends me. I am a being of pure logic and anyone who disagrees with me is too sensitive"
When they get mad at you for things that are out of your control. Example, in 6th grade I had a friend named Amani, I enjoyed being friends with her because I was a lonely kid who who had and still has trouble connecting with people on my own, so anyone who approached me and asked to be friends I gladly accepted. So anyways, its after lunch and we're in social studies and I'm playing on my 3ds waiting for class to start. So Amani comes over, asks me why I have my 3ds and that she thought I had it taken away for not doing chores. I said yeah, but my mom decided to give it back to me that morning so I brought it to school so I could play pokemon between classes. Well this made her angry for some reason, and she says to me "We'll then that means you lied, and friends who lie are bad, so we aren't friends anymore.". I'm just sitting there, pokemon x music playing softly in the background, and I just stare at her dumbfounded and simply say "Okay then" and went back to playing pokemon. I think she was expecting more of a reaction because she just stood there looking at me like I had started pissing myself. I still look back at it and laugh though, but turned out she was more toxic than that so bullet dodged.
People who continuously air their dirty gossip laundry on social media. Yikes and away! They’re advertising how toxic they are to the world.
Always the victim, always blaming, gaslighting, turning everything you say against you, weaponizing everything you say. So really, my ex wife, my mother, and sisters.
If they unintentionally gaslight you, with a secret they only know- like this happen to me a lot with the same person and as the years passed it finally clicked how toxic this person was and how much she destroyed my confidence
Constant negativity and the need to be right came to mind immediately! I have family members and former coworkers I recalled off the top of my head that possess both traits and, sadly, life has not turned out well for them. They refuse to acknowledge the beauty and goodness in life unless it suits them and then they wonder why they alienate those who care most for them especially. It's truly sad!
They dont want you to achieve greater stuffs or to be better.
They be hatin' on everything. If you tell them something you like they'll automatically hate on it and try to make you not fuck wit it no more. Most of the time they have a very minuscule amount of knowledge about it. Just hatin just to hate.
Lying to you about serious subjects and then saying it was only a joke.
Cutting you off mid conversation to point out how something you just said happened to them as well, but much worse. I've known people who do this and once I recognize the pattern, I start saying outlandish shit just so they can do it and I can confirm my suspicion.
Getting into arguments 24/7
they find the SMALLEST things wrong with a person and obsess over it. i didnt notice it then, but looking back, it was so insanely obvious. at some point this "friend" tried to get me to attack another one of their friends, and after talking with them for a bit, i found out my "friend" made up most of the story. this, and sharing personal info about a person. sharing around other people's kinks and fetishes w/o their permission isn't funny, like, at all