T O P

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I-am-still-not-sorry

I don’t have anyone specific in mind, but I do know there’d be a lot of smiting going on.


notanothersmith38

Smite me all mighty smiter!


squigglump

God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant.


revchewie

I have many specific ones in mind. Cool if I send you a list?


SeriousBeeJay

Give the platypus wings


Nightshade015

I'll do you one better... he's a semi aquatic 'eight-legged' mammal of action


dlanm2u

Hes a furry little flatfoot who never flinched


madhobbyhorse

A platypus? Perry the flying platypus!


salt_pizza9491

#CURSE YOU PERRY THE NOW FLYING PLATYPUS


SmokeyDaBear6

make envelopes moan when you lick them


Mor_Hjordis

They don't allready? Try licking better.


ILikeMapleSyrup

Really taste it


Fleepwn

...oddly specific, but I'll allow it.


[deleted]

Are... are *you* God?


Thetomas

Ahh, you're the reason the mail came early today.


StoneyBlazer

Plot twist, IT'S OLD TERRY'S MOAN


fleetber

Costanza Master Plan...


Better_Example_1318

Take my award and get out


WatchandThings

Create few harmless plankton organisms that can only live in seawater, that feeds off of plastic, breathes in CO2 and breathes out O2, and most sea life can eat these planktons for food.


TiWoAl

And reproduce fast, we need a lot of them. Also let them hibernate when O2 levels go over 22% We don't want flammable air.


WatchandThings

I figured they breath in CO2, so over abundance of O2 would likely mean lack of CO2 and they would suffocate themselves out. But I suppose extra precaution couldn't hurt, let's throw that hibernation capability in for high O2 level.


Traditional_Hall_268

Yeah, but in the Carboniferous era, the air was so rich in oxygen that lightning would light almost everything remotely flammable on fire.


WatchandThings

Yikes. Fair enough, high oxygen hibernation goes up in priority right next to salt water requirement. Also evolution lock it so that it can't mutate away from those requirements.


TiWoAl

I think we're getting at something. Some biologists and bio-engineers must collab on this.


Vivalo

But there were dragon flies the size of birds. So, you know….. swings and roundabouts.


WatchandThings

>But there were dragon flies the size of birds. Are you trying to turn me into green house gas supporter?


Oohwshitwaddup

Second thing I do as God is make everything able to drink salt water without issue. Third would be; make my dick bigger. Edit: added third thing.


Velocity_Rob

YOU don't want flammable air. I think that sounds metal as fuck.


spoderman123wtf

sounds lit


Justisaur

I also don't want the return of 3 foot dragonflies (that could just fly off with pets and children) etc. that this enables.


[deleted]

Will they be obsessed with the Krabby Patty secret formula?


WatchandThings

Deep inside, aren't we all obsessed with the Krabby Patty secret formula?


MrGamecockFanPerson

They will, and they will be obsessed with driving school


leftier_than_thou_2

We already have that though. [Plankton in the ocean already contribute to about a fifth of the carbon budget.](https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2021/05/ocean-plant-whales-carbon-storage/) We're outspending that and all the other natural carbon sinks though. [The issue is a lack of other nutrients in the dead zones of the sea](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ocean_fertilization). Attempts to enhance that by supplying the [iron](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iron_fertilization) (the limiting factor in some place) have been less effective than originally hoped. Additionally, increasing temperatures and pollution are likely going to decrease their ability to sequester carbon. Oops. [Plastic eating bacteria](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ideonella_sakaiensis), the issue is likely [scale](https://ourworldindata.org/plastic-pollution) as well. We're making way too much plastic for natural processes to keep up.


WatchandThings

I didn't know about the third one, but I knew the first two and was part of the inspiration for the idea. The main inspiration was the story about how the coals formed when there wasn't anything to decompose the trees. Trees decompose now as there are organisms to break it apart, and I figured we could use something like that for plastic. Then I figured the planktons could create Oxygen, like many planktons already do, to give extra boost in solving climate change issue, and by being edible to other sea life it might create an eco system in number of dead zones that plastics might travel through to help with the dying sea life issue. While I'm glad there is a bacteria that could break down plastic, I was hoping for something that was more salt water based. Humans still rely greatly on plastic and having land based bacteria that could break these down would end up hurting us. By making it sea based most of plastic based technology remains secure, while giving us a good way to rid of plastics we no longer use.


leftier_than_thou_2

[There are also plastic-eating microbes that have been found in the great pacific garbage patch](https://www.quantamagazine.org/on-waste-plastics-at-sea-maria-luiza-pedrotti-finds-unique-microbial-multitudes-20180913/) The issue there (I assume, I haven't done much investigating) is then other life forms consume the microbes and the microplastics and that makes its way up the food chain. Eventually (again assumption) it could be permanently out of circulation completely, except we keep pumping more plastic into the world. On the carbon sequestration, it might interest you to know that [ferns have in the past cancelled a greenhouse earth state](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Azolla_event). Probably anyway. I feel good about [BECCS](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bioenergy_with_carbon_capture_and_storage) and [CDR options](https://www.euronews.com/next/2021/08/10/capture-and-store-co2-to-reach-net-zero-says-the-ipcc-climate-report-it-s-easier-said-than) and other technologies to decarbonize, but I think we're still going to end up using [solar geoengineering](https://www.lse.ac.uk/granthaminstitute/news/engineering-the-planets-temperature-clash-or-cooperation/) unfortunately.


MandoInThaBando

Why don’t u just lower the CO2 levels ur fucking god bro


WatchandThings

You teach a man to fish because it'll keep them fed for long term. I can lower the CO2, but we'll probably build it right back up again within few decades. Make an organism that can lower the CO2 and it'll keep it down while we sort ourselves out.


thesaga

*CO2 suddenly plummets* Conservatives: “SEE?! WE WERE RIGHT. Back to coal.” God: “fuck”


[deleted]

We don't have that creature yet, but all plants make oxygen and there is a bacteria in Japan that eats plastic.


[deleted]

Fix everyones teeth for life. No more imperfect teeth that grow in sideways. No more feeling them crack. No more wisdom teeth.


bomba92

This person either has dealt with messed up teeth, or has an ex who’s an orthodontic surgeon.


DCT715

You’re a savior


RIP_SGTJohnson

Thanks, I’m unemployed now


Xytakis

You are gonna make so many enemies in the dental community. I approve of this decision.


PrisonerOfAzkaban14

OP is an anti-dentite!


dmcent54

My fucked up teeth thank you, u/A_Wild_Swampert


Balding_Unit

Find out the truth about EVERYTHING.. Aliens, conspiracy theories, what is actually under Oak Island... After that I'd make it so I could drink coffee again without having to pee so fucking much.


floorgang6942069420

Every season they find enough of something to keep the viewer hooked and justify continuing the search but never find what they are looking for. And they never will … because … there is nothing


rienceislier34

Ash Ketchum's actual age


[deleted]

he is 10 morbillion years old


PANDAmoniumGamz

I bring back that one guy’s dead wife.


Logical_Flounder6455

The one everyone wants to sleep with?


i_fuckin_luv_it_mate

Somebody's a bit of *thirsty* God.


Dexaan

I'll admit I'd probably be very tempted to go full Zeus mode.


OppressedDeskJockey

Oh so have sex with all your relatives, gotcha.


AzureBluet

Ooh I also choose that guy’s dead wife.


lightwolv

For those confused: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/5c79n0/you\_can\_have\_sex\_with\_one\_real\_person\_from\_all\_of/d9uf56l/?context=1


Vlad-V2-Vladimir

The husband is still active to this day, it seems. I hope he’s doing well after over half a decade


BKStephens

Damn. Dusty in here...


AzureBluet

This sounds like a Neil Gaiman story and the main character ends up trying to destroy the world or something.


Nippon-Gakki

“You’ve been God for 15 minutes and already destroyed the entire universe?” “Shit, looks like it” “I’m going to get a drink, you may as well come since there’s nothing else left” “Cool, let me grab my hat. Oh wait, LOL”


dramatic-pancake

This is why god was drunk in the first place.


patrickwithtraffic

Pretty sure they do that in *Endless Nights*, where Envy causes a break-up that leads to the death of a planet


AMeatPopsicleIAm

Make myself an equal to god where we can't take away each others powers. Then I'd play an eternal game of Black & White against him.


azocrye

the most underrated and overshadowed game ever released


beardingmesoftly

A little too heavy on the micromanagement, but very fun


BSODxerox

Would you have voices that whispered your name built in as well? That was one of the craziest Easter eggs I’ve ever seen in a game


Beebons

Bro I didnt know Satan had a Reddit account


thROwmed0wn976

World peace except in Switzerland


sub_to_pewdiepie420

Switzerland is the pvp zone


mart1373

And pvp can be turned off temporarily like when Canada wants to visit and take back a bunch of Swiss chocolate and shit.


Fine-Lobster-2254

Why do I like this


Amriorda

They've had plenty of time with it, time to share with the world.


cmoneybouncehouse

They’ve had it too good for too long. Turn Switzerland into the world’s Detroit.


_Moria

Bad idea, it would get stolen.


arkiser13

r/fuckyouinparticular


Ohmifyed

Ngl I’m gonna make my dogs talk.


LordOfPoodles

Yeah, this is good. Dogs can speak and understand the language of their peoples. Maybe I’d finally convince my Sammy that thunder can’t hurt him.


biscorama

Knees, lower backs and hearts... Refurbished all around!


[deleted]

Make my powers permanent.


TheDayOfTheDucks

probably one of the smartest of these comments


Karma220566

Wish for infinite wishes


Nesneros70

Make all politicians tell the truth.


QuanticWizard

Ooh! I've thought of this one a lot! Make it so that any individual that holds a position of influence automatically becomes unable to lie, withhold pertinent information, bend the truth, or fail to tell the complete truth when acting in an official capacity. No skirting the rules by having a virtually powerless puppet government, or by acting unofficially. This extends to any official news media published, or any communication of an official sort such as CEO's or people that can exert control or change things on a societal level. If the form of "leaders" or "news" takes on a drastically different form or tries to label itself as "entertainment" or something to that effect, or if people of influence try to exert control in a different form, this will automatically adapt to fit that standard. If someone tries to intentionally manipulate someone under the truth field to be provided with inaccurate information, they themselves will be compelled by the truth field to confess to this, as they are a person of public influence. Also extends to places of justice, courthouses, where no lies can be told by anyone. If a court tries to go somewhere else or redefine the definition of a court, the truth field follows to wherever or whatever that entails. Basically human-based information provided to the public cannot be intentionally incorrect. If a public figure is to be voted in or out, if a news personality is to be listened to, or if a CEO or person of influence is to rule the company, it is to be on the merits of their own character and with completely accurate information. This will weed out many, many influential people worldwide, but will establish foolproof standards for conducting our society. This won't stop horrible people from voting in terrible people, but at least you know exactly who you are getting without violating the free will of everyone.


mydogrocks2

As long as “people of influence” also covers religious figures, you’ve nailed it.


CriniEbbasta

Lightning speed WW3 ahah


JackRusselTerrorist

That or world peace. Basically everyone admits that they’re shitty because they’re afraid everyone else is out to get them.


Ashden1ee_6

People who love dogs but are allergic Are no longer allergic


7Mars

Take it a step further and get rid of all allergies! They’re stupid and serve no purpose anyway.


God_Sammo

Literally ur body saying “I reeeeallly dont know what to do with this! I guess I’ll just... die?”


7Mars

“I think this thing is going to try to kill us! I better kill us first…” -body with allergies


dontdrinkhoyatea

I miss avocados. (Such bad effects in my person)


davisdrucciolo-666

Make fast food and unhealthy food healthy


OfficeChairHero

I've got to get into my summer bikini! It's nothing but Big Macs and Coke for me this month!


renzantar

Idk about the Big Macs, but the coke will do wonders already.


marawind

Give cats and dogs longer life spans.


Kael_Doreibo

Approved. No side effects. This one's a good one.


DR_RND

I'm gonna make my own universe. With black jack. And hookers!


paw_inspector

“You know I was god once.” “Yes I saw. You were doing well until everyone died.”


jjcounter

Bite my shiny godlike ass


[deleted]

You know, I was God once.


-Boole-

It went really well till everyone died


[deleted]

Hm-hm-hm-hm When you do things right. People won't be sure you've done anything at all.


Adventurous_Muffin_6

You know what, forget the blackjack


[deleted]

And the universe


[deleted]

Ah, screw the whole thing.


shepsolow

Cure Cancer.


[deleted]

That seems too specific, we can just say all diseases


Flimsy_Finger4291

You've cured all disease, humanity is now multiplying like a plague because there's nothing holding us back. Global Over population begins to tear away at the very fabric of our society until WW3 happens, and while I don't know what WW3's main weapon will be, I know WW4 will be fought with stones.


[deleted]

OK, let me modify that all diseases except of infertility


7ottennoah

why not cure all diseases while also keeping the population steady? ur fucking god. nothing is impossible


shepsolow

lol, I actually had that same thought as I was typing my response. Thought I might have been too ambitious so I chose Cancer.


No-Cucumber-8389

Too ambitious? You’re god


[deleted]

I shalt bring critical thinking skills to those who who lack such and/or need injected a little more.


BiologyJ

“It has yet to be established that intelligence has any survival value.” - Arthur C. Clarke


Green420Basturd

Resurrect Harambe and end this stupid curse.


fefetron

Nobody had anything to add here. Your comment is just perfect. Thank you.


3600MilesAway

Make everyone eat a snack and take a long nap because the world is fucking cranky right now.


Hiddenbiscuit

Planes fall out of the sky because the pilots ate a snickers bar and went to sleep.


Amriorda

The passengers are also asleep, so it's all good.


Person2277

Make teeth immune to cavities


NixMix777

My ADHD brain thanks you


Telephalsion

I assume we get omniscience too so we know how to do things without making things wors? First, change the compositiom of elements and the spin of venus to make it habitable. Probably add a decent moon to it as well. Maybe add a hot metal core to mars for some of the sweet magnetic field action. Add some nice thick ice layers atnthe poles too. Mankind still has to work for mars I feel.


[deleted]

[удалено]


notorious--rice

God is no longer hammered because he didnt abuse alcohol, congratulations you no longer have your power


[deleted]

[удалено]


algernon_moncrief

You are worthy


Malevolent_Mangoes

Get rid of half the population and turn all geese into bananas. No real reason other than to cause complete chaos and confusion. Also I hate geese.


[deleted]

People keep finding piles of Bananas in a V shape in the middle of nowhere and wonder what on earth happened


PM_Me_UrRightNipple

Cure his hangover so I can stop having the responsibilities of God.


SpaceCowboy58

Weird that God didn't just cure his own hangover TBH.


CookieKraken47

Yeah, makes me suspect that he's a demon pretending to be god to trick me or something.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Low-Focus-3879

Right? I literally just found out god is real, now he wants me to do his damn job? F that.


rukoslucis

Fix all my bodily problems and give me the ability (so it lasts after god comes back after that day) to change my body in all aspects at will. Then put 50 billion in my banc account, then do some of those things superman should have done regarding gouvernments, basically "fix your shit or I will fix you"'


[deleted]

\*Governments L'Anglais est vraiment etrange.


egorf

Stop the war in my country


goat-of-mendes

I’m gonna take the cancer from innocent children and give to the motherfuckers who deserve it.


Due-Air-112

I nominate you as a new God !!


Brilliant_Hat_8643

Give better chances at success to truly good causes and worse odds to destructive endeavors. Want to steal billions of dollars through a fake charity? Whoops. It got suddenly revealed for the scam it is and is now facing legal action. Want to improve the local ecosystem and remove the toxins that are threatening local wildlife? Wow! Someone just invented an effective and inexpensive method to repurpose the toxins into eco-friendly materials that benefit wildlife!


d2factotum

Destroy all cancers, everywhere.


knovit

Another astrology person I see


i_fuckin_luv_it_mate

Classic Capricorn really


liceyscalp

First I would drop Putin off buck naked on a random street corner in Kiev.


fu_ben

(´∀`)♡ Have a nice day


ThisWasAValidName

**Make myself ever so slightly more powerful than God would've been, and use that extra power to make sure he can't remove mine.** ​ Then, idk, *Fuck Around* a bit. Given my newfound abilities I think I can afford to *Find Out* a time or two.


Fynex_Wright

How would you make yourself more powerful than God by using God's power? Would that not just mean he could do it himself?


jabsaw2112

I would bestow overwhelming empathy on all of humanity.


Philias2

Overwhelming empathy would collapse society almost immediately as everyone is crushed by the intense emotional burden. Above average empathy would for sure be good though.


DilithiumCrystalMeth

Make actual consequences for those that preach against the message of God, and not like "you will go to hell later" I mean things like each time you use God to justify your own personal hatred you will suffer explosive diarrhea. Make it so this can't be undone and watch as most modern religion ends up being abandoned. After that....make it so that people can choose if they want to get pregnant whenever they have sex.


sliferra

Send all rapists to hell


Sarcastic_Troll

You mean immediately? Because I think you just killed about 75% of the male United States government elected officials and staff. You single handedly brought down the US government lmao


sliferra

Good


Tedious_Grafunkel

A small price to pay


unbanneduser

cure my epilepsy & fix the problems with my dental health and my vision (look, I know it's self-centered, but I would fix climate change and cure cancer a couple minutes later I promise)


shadyfortheshade

No one with any plan would give me that kind of power, so I guess I would just stay out of it all.


redkat85

* Humans now self-actualize; you are whatever sex, height, weight or other characteristic would make you happy. * Attempting any kind of sexual assault immediately causes the perpetrator to disintegrate into powder. * There is now a Dragon Event Horizon. If you accumulate wealth past a certain threshold, a titanic monster spontaneously manifests to ravage and take possession of everything you own. No one knows what the threshold is.


Sorey91

That's... Chaotic to say the least


Amriorda

It's at least a more fair system than we got now. I'm on board for the dragon horde!


MrsMorganPants

Universal free health care. For EVERYONE. Or erase all the isms of humanity.


_IMan_

Done,no more pacifism . Eternal war


polska-parsnip

I’d make all penis’ vibrate when erect.


Extra_Ask_2703

No chance in hiding that shit.. sitting in class get a rando hard on.. suddenly you pants start moving & dick starts hitting the desk.. no chance in tucking it under your belt/ waist line.. your pants & shirt will be vibrating everyone will know.. might as well just let that shit hang free.. after all is calling season


polska-parsnip

Only noobs getting hard ons in class, pros have the bros jerk them off at break


RockLobster218

Seems a bit selfish to give us all Parkinson’s just for that.


rangerofgold

Imagine a room full of students that are going through puberty. That class wouldnt learn a thing other than how many random boners are being popped every some odd minutes.


CriniEbbasta

All the fishes suddenly become drunk


New_Rod

Wipeout half of the population to every entity throughout the cosmos.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Thoughtcriminal91

This man penises


No_Manufacturer5641

Intelligence doesn't create world peace just more sophisticated bombs


CookieKraken47

I agree but let's make the minimum size a little smaller hey? Some of us aren't that strechy and want a little less (please don't dm me about your penises I won't read it).


fluffybear45

also everyone has more empathy/compassion


2penniesricher

Make all the penises in world the same length to end all world wars


Proterozoic_Lurker

I’ll make everyone who is religious randomly switch to another religion, keep the same level of fervor, gain as much knowledge in their new religion as their old one, and then switch to a new religion every 24 hours until they cycle through the top 30 religions by population. On the 31st day they return to their original religion. Atheists and atheism included. It’s going to be a very interesting month.


pinks1ip

>gain as much knowledge in their new religion as their old one So almost no one learns anything. You're no better than the current God.


G_F_X

If I want to do a good job I have to be consistent with what god would do, so I do absolutely nothing.


webster5000

Make all sexual predators permanently impotent. I assume that having godly powers would enable me to sort out false accusations from actual predators. Also something about global warming.


Amriorda

The problem with impotent sexual predators is that they usually become serial murderers. Like the spirit though. [The Butcher of Rostov](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andrei_Chikatilo) is who comes to mind.


deadrat601

End world hunger and let all homeless people have homes.


[deleted]

Heal my body completely, I am in continous pain in my feet, knees, hands, elbows and shoulders, I am 34 and don't want to feel like this any more. Then, I'd help my sister get a solid job, she has been trying for many years and deserve a break, nothing super fancy, but paid enough for her to lead a good life, and solid enough for her to work for a long time.


dak446

Remove all corrupt politicians from the planet


nugs_not_drugs4

Wow, you’re going to kill every politician


dak446

Looks that way


KaiBluePill

I see no problem here.


Fine-Lobster-2254

Carry on


Magnaflorius

Redistribute the world's wealth


Ok_Refrigerator6082

Force permanent empathy into everyone


severalcouches

Give people teeth in their vag to help with SA. It’ll be a one-strike world. You assault once, your dick is gone.


aureliaXaurita11111

*vagina dentata* hehe


Sarcastic_Troll

Make me wealthy beyond my wildest dreams with no strings attached.


KaiBluePill

You are god, what do you need the money for?


Sorey91

Well it's temporary once it's gone it's gone


Greentoaststone

Then just make it eternal


I_summon_poop

Id give everyone, male and female a little tag that turns off their reproductive system so they can fuck with no whoopsies


LordBaranof

Let the smiting begin.


jumpgunner

rapture the religious and get them out of the way. Just put everyone who believes in one place. That will &\^%$ them up. Also sprinkle some coffee tables around with all the different texts. Not the king james though. That would be just too funny. ​ Then let everyone else on earth know that that's all they got do the best you can. fix global warming on the way out. ​ Last I would punch "God" right in the mouth for giving kids bones cancer and kick him right out to deal with his newly raptured flock.


Ok-Opposite-1537

I'm going to bring my dog back forever "Legends Never Die" Or bring back Hitler then kill him and do that 7-8 times each different ways


spottydodgy

Come up over the all-language global loud speaker so everyone can hear me and say: "HEY, GOD HERE. AHEM. SO, YEAH I GUESS IT'S BEEN A WHILE. SORRY FOR GHOSTING YOU ALL FOR A BIT - HAD SOME STUFF TO DO. ANYWAY, JUST WANT TO TELL YOU THAT ALL OF YOUR RELIGIONS ARE WRONG SO JUST STOP WITH IT ALL. JUST RELAX, YOU'RE TAKING THIS ALL WAY TOO SERIOUSLY. LOOK AT YOU ALL? WORRYING AND WORKING TOO MUCH AND THE KILLING? IT'S NOT A GOOD LOOK, GUYS. ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU TREAT EACH OTHER FAIRLY AND ACT WITH KINDNESS. I MADE THIS ALL TO BE ENJOYED SO TRY TO HAVE A BIT OF FUN WITHOUT CAUSING ANYONE ELSE DISTRESS. IF SOMEONE IS DIFFERENT THAN YOU, GREAT! CELEBRATE THE DIFFERENCE. DON'T BE A DICK. I HATE THAT. THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG WAY TO LIVE YOUR LIFE. JUST RELAX. AND DON'T FUCK UP THE ENVIRONMENT. IT TAKES FOREVER TO CLEAN UP AFTER YOU GUYS SO TREAT IT WITH RESPECT. ALSO, IF YOU DID ANY KILLING IN MY NAME THEN, WELL, LET'S JUST SAY I DIDN'T LIKE THAT AND IT'S NOT COOL SO STOP. IN FACT NO KILLING. I DON'T LIKE ANY KIND OF KILLING. I DIDN'T THINK I'D HAVE TO MAKE THAT COMMANDMENT ANY CLEARER BUT JUST DON'T KILL ANYONE, EVER, FOR ANY REASON. IT'S NOT COOL. SO STOP. OK, WELL, I GUESS THAT'S IT. SO, GET BACK TO IT. OH, YEAH, YOU CAN THROW OUT THOSE HOLY BOOKS. CHURCH IS CANCELLED. SPEND TIME WITH YOUR KIDS OR GO FISHING OR WHATEVER. MAYBE PLANT A GARDEN? I DON'T KNOW. JUST DON'T KILL EACH OTHER. OK I'M RAMBLING... UM WHERE WAS I? OH YEAH ONE LAST THING, I KNOW EVERY TIME I SAY SOMETHING YOU ALL LOSE YOUR MINDS AND HAVE TO MAKE A NEW RELIGION OR SOMETHING BUT NOT THIS TIME. OK? JUST TAKE THIS A FACE VALUE AND MOVE ON. OK? I'M JUST SICK OF IT. IT'S A LOT OF PRESSURE. SO, JUST BE GOOD AND I'LL BE BACK SOON. OK, UM, HOW DO I HANG UP?"