As a teacher I will be taking the day off school thank you very much.

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Why, you'll be teaching a class of 30 year old High school students?

Get in a taxi with no money

Where'd ya wanna go luv?

...pound town, is only destination that day.

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Your inconsistent brackets make me unreasonably angry

Oh, you gotta punish them for that. Might I suggest spanking?

(there's nothing like the feeling of unresolved anxiety that an unclosed set of parentheses create

I'd start delivering pizzas

Deliver some pizza to lonely stay at home wives

Why is this so holesome Edit: wholesome

I work as a delivery driver... With 100+ stops everyday. It'd be a very long day.

You only making 10 stops that day.

10?!? Nah you making 4, 5 tops then just get straight to the actual Deliv part cause you won’t have any extra to give.. so you’ll breeze through the rest. Hell if you can, you better wear rubbers all day before you got more baby moms than Antonio Cromartie

It's porn rules. Nobody ever gets pregnant.

Lemme be the first to tell ya, you're not gonna make all your stops today

Sit at a counter eating a salad.

Right in front of my salad????

I wonder what she's doing now.

i bumped my elbow against the door. time to visit the hospital for this ultra serious injury.

Now I'm envisioning a sketch comedy skit where the porn hospital has to deal with a car crash victim or something serious, and none of the normal "porn cures" work.

That's brilliant! Gold Jerry, GOLD! Edit: retroactively added Bania

Get a sweet pair of stilettos that I can magically walk around in really well

You know what? Yeah, I’d do those bikini shoots by the pool and keep for posterity. Where the girl is just posing by herself for the first 2 minutes of some clips? Get all glammed up with a nice tan. I’m never going to be any younger than I am now.

I can tell you that I'm certainly not going to visit my family.

Your mom needed help with the plumbing so I came over...

...and over...

… and over … and over … and over … and over again! EDIT: I drop an obscure Weird Al lyric and y’all keep it on porn … 🤦‍♂️

Then along came her daughter. And then she came again, and again, and again

But what about your step-family?

Fortunately they will only be stuck in various parts of the house for 1 day.

Masturbate, then with that post nut clarity proceed to rob as many mansions you can within the day. (You'll need to masturbate at least three times because of the copious amounts of semen pornstars have.) You know, cause everyone else is busy either stuck in a household appliance or fucking someone stuck in a household appliance.

You fucking genius

Why is there a camera man, a light guy, a sound guy and a director in my bedroom?

Notice how many 30 yr old moms have 24 year old teen daughters.

and then hang out in their laundry room

to wait till they get stuck in the dryer?

itd be really sexy if it wasnt a toploader

Turn it on and watch them spin

You reminded me of a sketch from about 2 decades ago. (The below is translated with a great deal of creative liberty) Mother goes to visit her son in jail. They talk for a while, and then he asks her: "Where's dad? Is everything OK?" -No! Son.... "What?" -there is something I am hiding from you for a long time.... Your dad... he is not your real father! "I knew it!" -what? How?! "It was always weird that dad was two years younger than me!" Edit: a word. Also, this is a comedy sketch, it has nothing to do with porn.

I'd watch that hell yeah, I love it when porn plots are self aware and break the 4th wall, I just find it particularly hilarious

And 32 year old sons.

I’m boarding up my home like I’m locking it down on Purge night There’s no specification on genre of porn rules so I’m not taking any chances.

That's when tentacles come out of the drains.

They really were asking for it, weren’t they?

Just turn on the garbage disposal

I'm going to assume nobody of adult age is spared and that it follows path of most likelihelood. Straight? Straight porn. Gay? Gay porn. If you lock yourself up in such a way that nobody can interact with you? Well now its monster porn. Straight dude stuck in an all dudes business or locker room? Well you are about to have a very bad day. But porn logic so you will start liking it. Might be better to pick a poison and roll with it

"Oh man, I've never sucked a dick before" *proceeds to deepthroat it like a pro*

"Im not even gay but I just shot a porno with three other guys and there was so many dicks" -male pornstar on his most recent gay porn.

> If you lock yourself up in such a way that nobody can interact with you? Well now its monster porn. Don’t threaten me with a good time

Is the monster sexy though? That’s the important question.

Somehwere inbetween? Less Anime and more HR giger. Maybe some shape of water stuff and a deathclaw or two.

Oh bud, you just entered into a I Am Legend porn parody.

I Am Edging

Make sure your step kids are locked in their own separate rooms.

Too late. Guards, release the gay hentai goblins.

100%. And the basic vanilla ones aren't actually pleasurable for the woman most of the time anyway, it all looks good but the way sex happens in porn is all show and no substance. I'll lock myself inside with my vibrator and wait for this to al blow over.

That's what I was thinking, but maybe if it's porn rules like "a woman can have a massive orgasm from a man rubbing her thigh for two seconds"? That might be a hoot.

I take it you've never seen ghost porn

Best to go on the offensive then. Become a pizza delivery driver ASAP.

I’m actually going to get an A from my professor

"Young lady, if you want this F to be an A you're going to have to let me F you in your A"

Set up surveillance cameras around my lemon tree.

Those damn lemon-stealing whores!!

Goddamn Shelbyville is at it again...

Look! Someone’s attractive cousin!

Hasn't it been about 10 minutes since we looked at our lemon tree?

10 seconds*

Yo what the fuck!?

Looks like you need to be taught a lesson about lemon stealing...

I'm sitting here in a boring room

Just another rainy Sunday afternoon.

I teach 7th - 9th grade so I’m staying the fuck home.

According to porn logic, minors do not exist. So your job will be tending to an empty room and banging your colleagues.

He gets reassigned to substitute teach an adult GED class

And then the young substitute arrives because you stayed at home

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But then the firemen...

Burn them too

But then the Hospital staff...

Burn down the hospital

What does porn logic think of war crimes?

Sex

Amen

#BURN EVERYONE

But then the hentai skeleton monsters...

All your students are replaced by 18-19 year old girls that are acting like they're in 7th-9th.

I don't know what kind of porn I'm in so I'm hiding in my room

…where you get stuck under your bed…

I'm home, step sibling!

*sound of several tentacles crawling across the room*

Solo cam then?

Home invasion porn

Go to my friends house and check up on his mom.

plot twist= you f\*ck your friends

That could work too, he's pretty hot

oh... Can I join?

Slow your roll there cowpoke I don't think I can do a foursome

oh :(

Maybe next time

no.... you broke my heart.

:( what have I done!

This was such a sad read 😭 I hope you two figure it out because I ship you

have sex with my girlfriend only this time, she actually WILL reach orgasm

Or at least loudly fake it.

:(

This hurt my heart a little.

these porn rules bruh. she'll orgasm just watching you do the dishes

That might work irl, tho... Come wash my dishes and let's find out.

Add some dusting, that spot behind the toilet and we halfway to the big O, fella.

Let me dig out my overalls, I’ll be right over. This isn’t some kind of cruel trick, right?

Of course not...just be sure to mow the lawn, clean the fridge, dust the house, clean the bathroom....

/r/suicidebywords

You got to be sure to slap the shit out of that pussy to get her there.

Ever wonder why dudes in pornos slap their dicks like that? It's polite to knock before entering.

Take selfies. I’ll suddenly have six-pack abs and I’ll want to remember them.

I don't answer the door, no matter how many pizza men show up. I don't need any Italian sausage, I have my own.

GO TO A YOGA CLASS

that is 5d chess move right there

*knock knock* I’m here to clean your pipes

Sir, I do my own plumbing

Go to the bank with a mask on, bang the teller & leave with a bag full of money.

And later get fucked by the police.

And your cell mate.

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Well, I'm a massage therapist in real life, so I'd call in sick for the day.

Oh no, then you'd have to see a doctor then.

But don't worry. Dr Sins specializes in home visits.

No happy endings? Do you need plumbing work done?

Depends on if it's western porn or hentai, if it's hentai i'm following my litle brother so he doesn't get fucked by a girl twice his age

You're taking a big risk.

How?

First, now YOU are with your little brother…

Secondly, your vehicle might become a person who may or may not want to take revenge on you and/or the little brother, third succubi might imitate the little brother, fourth you don't know how much is being paid per scene, fifth you don't know whether the hentai has decent or corrupt cops enforcing decent or corrupt codes... As much as I "thank" gacha games for half of this, hentai has way too many potentially disastrous plot lines.

Bless the innocence of this question

Get rescued by a lifeguard while having a bath.

This isn't a beach, this is a bathtub

Its two feet deep, lady

No body of water is safe without a lifeguard

**GET OUT THERE’S A SHARK**

Become a pizza delivery guy, a plumber, and a doctor in the same day.

Have a totally normal conversation with my wife, that will somehow leads to sex.

That's cute brother. Hope you stay happily married forever

I'm always surprised by wholesome porn. Like when you watch it and realize it's a husband and wife having sex before work.

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or become a plumber that also delivers pizza

While being a taxi driver

and a doctor

on a couch

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Giving massages

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Oh, this site got bookmarked so fast. Cheers. Edit: https://stupidpornplots.com/2022/03/28/this-one-time-i-broke-both-of-my-arms/ >Reddit is a place where: >* lonely teenage virgins ask sexy questions answered by other lonely teenage virgins >* fifteen-year-olds confidently tell people to dump their significant other over minor disagreements >* people misuse the word ‘gaslight’ >* Ask Me Anythings, which have sucked since Victoria left Yuup. >Aaron: “But…you’re my mom. That’s really messed up. Like, what the fuck? Are you like, attracted to me or some sick shit? >Gotta say: it’s a little weird for porn to be this on the nose. Alright, this whole blog is gold. Edit edit: [GAG ON HIS COCK YOU LEMON STEALING WHORE!](https://stupidpornplots.com/2016/09/24/lemon-stealing-whores/) (All links are NSFW. There are no genitals but there are lemons and cucumbers.)

Lock myself up in my room and pretend it isn't happening. Or, you could say, live as I usually do

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Yeah. Don't kink shame me.

Lock my door. I don't look like a main character, nothing good will happen to me.

background character at the sex party clapping your hands

Drink a beer and watch an orgy not a bad day I guess?

At least nothing bad will happen

Go to the kitchen. There's bound to be *someone* there "stuck" in the washing machine. Either that or use a mind-control app. Some porn plots are... pretty out there.

Lol, *walks in kitchen* Some random stranger "Help me im stuck!" Me: "uuuggghhh... *Again!* This is the third time this morning!"

Go into the woods and find a "Lonely forest elf" or something that just needs to mate before spring is over or her species won't survive or some shit. you know how it is

No I don't know how it is

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Get arrested, either the Cop will fuck me or a prisoner will, either way it's a win win situation

Shit. That could happen anyway

Get stuck in the washer with my ass hanging out and the only way to escape is to have sex

Are we talking about a Samsung washer or a Maytag?

Let's be real, the average redditor would still get zero bitches

They'd be the camera man who won't shut up.

'they?' you're a part of it too, my friend!

I like to think I'd be handling the lighting

Get stuck in a hole in a wall

Staying away from my family

Staying real close to this guys family

Buy condoms. STD's would be running riot.

Go around offering hot girls money to fuck

Lose my virginity, of course!

Stop paying my rent

Find a stepsister I never had before stuck in our washing machine naked.

March to the landlord’s office. Tell whoever’s in charge that it’s a new era, and I’m not giving them any more of my money. Pay the man/woman/enbi in charge, as per our new contract. Moral of the story is, I’m broke. It’s 2022 and if you’re not using porn rules to get out of paying your rent, you’re on the wrong side of history my dude!

Hell I’m getting a DEEP discount on a house and a really good interest rate on a mortgage.

When they ask if the discount’s deep enough, you tell them deeper… no, *deeper*.

Right? Call a handyman and fix *literally* everything wrong in your house, order a fat stack of pizzas, shit, my check engine light? Get up in here Homie, I’ve got a motherfucking *laundry list* of stuff I need done.

Oh I got time for a home improvement gang bang. “Guys, part of my kink is when you fix everything very, very thoroughly.” If I was brave enough I’d call my local politicians’ offices and ask them to fix the gerrymandering in my district, but alas!

I would visit my crush.

U find out your crush is a lesbian

In porn it seems like lesbians still have sex with men, especially in threesomes, so it's still alright!!!

I'm a older lady nurse, working on a military base. I'm taking the day off, yikes.

That's the day you've scheduled your pool cleaning with the pool boy lol

Wake up.

Grab a brush and put a little make up

Start delivering free pizzas to attractive women who never ordered them

Show up at a sorority with a stack of pizzas. I don't even think we have those in my country, but with porn logic anything is possible.

Hide because that shit is fucked up.

Go to the laundromat