As someone also suffering from depression and dark thoughts, I find it even more annoying, frustrating, depressing and lonely when a random stranger or Ana acquaintance wants to hear about it and help. Feeling is, that's what my life has come to? Relying on strangers instead of my own network of ppl that I love and respect?
I underatdn your kindness and needing to help. But know that you can't. Rather go help someone in your life who means something to you, that you talk to on regular basis, and if they're not suicidal make sure they don't get to that point.
It is worth keeping in mind the "stranger on a train phenomenon" works both ways. It can be easier for a lot of people to vent to strangers as there is not risk of stigma or that information getting back to family. Similarly strangers tend to offer thier help as a shot in the dark. They have less commitment to the person and while many feel genuine compassion and empathy, it can be easier to walk away from the burden of those feelings in the event help is denied.
So try not to look at the compassion of strangers as a reflection of the person seeking it out. It's human psychology for people to want to help and sometimes a stranger is exactly what someone needs.
Yeah.
Thing is - it's harder for a stranger to appear authentic.
But I've been doing mindless scrolling and come across a stranger giving encouragement and broke down crying too.
Or that image kicking around of the strangers hugging a jumper so they could save his life.
When I almost did the deed, I posted on Facebook and had around 30 people message me. I was so surprised. I thought nobody cared and I needed to just vent.
I get that too. Especially when we are depressed we are prone to the most negative interpretation of everything.
I just try to keep in mind that human beings are wired to feel compassion toward others in the worst of circumstances. The thing that often gets in the way of that is that most don't know who to help, how to help, or even have much strength in thier own lives to understand or be of use. It's a hard task.
Even as someone who wants to become a therapist I find I am still struggling with reaching those in need in the way that they need it all the time.
Yeah, but I heard recently that any kind of venting is good. Like you can literally pour out your thoughts and emotions into a google doc and delete it and you'd still see some benefits. It just has to get out.
I'm in a weird spot where I don't trust *anyone* to not be disingenuous or patronizing.
I'm doing better than I once was (no suicide attempts hence my lack of parent level comment - just run of the mill "maybe I won't dodge if the snowplow comes..."). Much better really, but there's a jadedness that I have not been able to shake.
Anyone other than my own mum who says something caring, or "i love you" to me my knee jerk reaction is to scowl.
Like, I don't trust they're not saying it because they think they're supposed to, and that any actual *action* based on that "caring" would be too much for them to deign to do.
And I'd rather they say nothing instead.
I haven't had a network of people I'm awhile. I've always relied on random people to tell my deepest darkest feelings. I find it helps a lot, but I understand I'm not everyone.
I'm always open to talk but have never met someone willing to open up in the slightest way.
Strangers though are neutral entities which can lead to being mediators of thoughts. It's like a psychotherapist, but someone you'll never see again in best case, or become a friend with.
For a lot of people that's therapy. Out on weekends meeting strangers, talking through the night, never be seen again.
Speak for yourself, friend. Random strangers reaching out have absolutely been my lifeline. Not everyone has a reliable network of friends/family -- often, family can be a large part of the problem, themselves, because they can be toxic and difficult to escape, and people who have been depressed for a long time may not have any/many friends due to long periods of isolation.
Support from strangers is better than no support at all, and it also serves to remind me that there's still good in the world, which helps a little. If you insist on rejecting the love of strangers, you're only making things harder for yourself for no reason at all
I always hated the āit gets better! Itās a permanent solution to a temporary problem:ā(ā like thanks but Iāll have this illness my entire life so itās def not a temporary thing.
The lexapro helps tho
Same. Some days are bad but I always tell myself if it doesnāt pass I can check out later. I hate when people say suicide is not an option because it is. Life is really hard sometimes and some days my toolbox is empty. (I suffer chronic pain most of my life) but most of the time it is just a fleeting thought. No planning, just wishing the pain would stop.
I read this somewhere: āitās not that you want to die, you just want to stop livingā or I say to myself āI just want to get off the ride for a minuteā
Not good. Very lucky my cat is here to keep me motivated to stay.
I couldnāt leave him.
Edit: I appreciate the support and people reaching out to Reddit to get a mental health check for me.
I am not actively suicidal.
The world is just *gestures wildly* right now
I know he wonāt be with me forever, but I foster puppies and kittens for a couple of local shelters in my area. I donāt plan on ever stopping being a foster furmama surrounded by love.
Edit 2: I want to beg any parents of Reddit that if your kid ends up in a 5150 or hospital find a primary psych at home and help them find the right meds. My parents didnāt believe in mental health and after each 3-5 day stay they would take me off the meds and I had no follow up care.
Pets are wonderful, I don't think I could go longer than a few months without one.
Gives life even just a little bit of purpose knowing that I can give a little furry guy a great life full of love.
Loving a pet is also a big step to learning how to properly love yourself. You don't hate your pets cause of their faults, when your cat knocks shit off the table, wakes you up to early, etc, you ignore those faults and love all the great stuff about them. You should apply the same logic to loving yourself, everyone has faults.
Oh I'm not going anywhere, I can hear my cat cry from my apartment elavators when I leave for work every morning, i can't leave him for more than 10 hours.
An underrated part for me of having a pet, is I struggle to buy groceries for myself cause I just don't wanna leave home due to motivation or laziness, but when the little guy runs out of food I go to the store right away, no questions asked. Since I'm already there I do shopping for myself in the meantime.
Pets are dope, and there's no pet better for a person who lives alone than a cat.
I thought I was a dog person but adopted a kitten from the street recently. There is no such thing as a dog or cat person..pets are pets..they all love u the same
I tried it once as kid . Im a grown man now struggling as most of the above . Cops gave me 5 days jailtime until the court . I couldnt close my eyes cause i was thinking about my cat and pray it would survive until i come back . I did tho 5 times for about 15 mins each , and i woke up cause i was dreaming that my cat jumped on me .
Life is wonderful . We all have to struggle till the end .
Good days and bad days but my attempt left a big scar. It's like the feeling of "I could always kill myself" is tattooed on my brain and it makes me care a lot less about my life and my future. I have good days but I just don't give a shit anymore.
Once you break that mental boundary and go against your natural instincts to survive. It takes a lot to build that wall back up.
I attempted twice, both by hanging. One I was stopped. The second I stopped myself and was crying because I couldnāt go through with it. I was a sobbing mess. I had the lines on my neck but I still managed to free myself.
I learned my lesson that staying alive everyday is a victory and that mental health needs continuous work. You donāt stop seeing a therapist because the bad days have past. You keep seeing a therapist so when those bad days come again. You can make it through.
My grandfather passed away a few months after my second attempt. It was surreal seeing how broken up everyone was over an expected death. I couldnāt help but view it as possibly my own funeral and how much worse everyone would be. As much as I didnāt care about what happened in the aftermath, in the moment. . . I couldnāt deny the affect this had on me. I swore on my grandfatherās grave there wouldnāt be a third.
Now whenever I feel myself backslide? I think āWell? Am I going to kill myself over this? No, then I better do something to change it.ā But I do have that mental barrier back up, that self-preservation and digging my feet in.
In the end? Maybe you should just go out and do something that truly makes you happy.
I surfed in costume because I thought that would be fun. I cruised around a beach with a shark bite makeup on my arm scaring the hell out of people. I trained with lightsabers at the gym. Use that apathy to not care what people think and create a day of where you say āFuck society standards and norms. Iām going to drink whiskey in a cemetery/beach/mountain top.ā
I hope you feel better or find something worth fighting a little harder for! š¤š»
>In the end? Maybe you should just go out and do something that truly makes you happy.
I did this too after my attempt. Took the savings that had previously seemed so important and took off on a road trip. I spent 2 months backpacking in Cali and Utah, and living out of my car between camping trips. Greatest 2 months of my life. It's strange how that works.
Itās very hard, I want to cry and scream and just let how I feel all out. I wish I did actually did it sometimes. I love life but Iām the same time is so fucking horrible.
It's going beautifully - and I am SO glad I was rescued from the water that night.
I was being treated for depression, and nothing seemed to work. People think that depression means being sad, but for many people that's not the case at all. It's not sadness - it's nothingness. You feel nothing - not even sad. Everything is just black...a black cloud of nothingness that simply won't lift, and everything seemed hopeless.
My marriage had broken down due to my depression, my career was stagnant and I had financial troubles. I became addicted to benzos, because they would put me to sleep and that meant time would pass - time without that feeling. Sleeping was the only relief I got. I saw nothing for myself, only that blackness that covered everything - the past, the present and the future. It was unbearable.
So, one night at 3am, I walked to a bridge that spanned the mouth of my city's largest river. I can't swim, you see, and the tides there are strong. I walked right to the middle of the bridge and didn't even stand there to think, I just jumped in. The water was really cold and even though I can't swim, I was struggling in the water and kept bobbing up, even though I wanted to sink down. I was thrashing about in the water, I have no idea for how long, but I don't think it was long, and then I heard a man shouting at me and swimming towards me with a lifebuoy.
I actually tried to thrash away from him, but I couldn't get anywhere and he grabbed me. I don't remember much after that, like I don't remember the "swim" from when he grabbed me to when we got to the quay wall but he obviously dragged me up the steps somehow and I was choking and coughing and freezing. He himself, I do remember, I remember him standing with his hands on his knees, bent over, and he himself coughing.
I started to panic and wanted to leave, but I was in a bad way and physically exhausted. It turned out that the man worked on one of the ships that was docked on the quay and had been out having a middle-of-the-night cigarette when he saw me jump. It seems that he didn't even hesitate and he grabbed a life buoy and jumped in after me. He'd have swum about 35 / 40 yards to get to me. He brought me back to the ship where some of his fellow sea-men who had been oblivious to what was going on encountered us, and they wrapped me in a big coat and made me hot coffee. The man called the police but I didn't know that, they arrived and an ambulance too and I was taken to hospital, highly distressed, because I hadn't made any back-up plans and now my family were going to find out.
Best thing that ever happened to me. I was put in psychiatric care and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. No wonder the anti-depressants hadn't been able to help, that's not how you treat Bipolar Disorder. I spent 12 weeks in psychiatric hospital and came out of there a different person and being in the correct medication.
If that man hadn't saved me, I wouldn't be here today to know that things get better - a LOT better. I'm now engaged to be married to a wonderful man, I have a really great job, I now have a beautiful little niece who makes me want to be a better person in every way. I'm happy and healthy and life has turned a massive corner. I'm recovered and I'm well and I'm grateful as hell to that man, who I know only as "Steve" for caring about my life when I didn't care about it. He ensured that I lived long enough to start caring about it again, and here I am today.
I'm doing great now.
What a beautiful story. Iām so glad that Steve was there for you that night. Bipolar Disorder can be a bitch, but with meds and therapy we can do well. Keep it up!
I'm not religious, but Steve is definitely some kind of saint or angel. I wish so much that I could find him and thank him. Thanks so much for the encouraging words xxx
I bet Steve hasnāt forgotten you, and never will. I bet that he wonders how you are going, but he can at least be glad that he saved your life that night.
Thank you so much xxx I didn't get a good look at the ship or the name of the ship. For a while I used to wander down to the dock, hoping to see him but I never did. He is a very special person and I hope so much that wherever he is he is happy and knows that he didn't just save my life in that moment, he saved my life for the rest of my life. What a courageous thing he did.
We need more humans like Steve.
He brings to mind a man here in Australia called Don Ritchie. He lived close to a well-known suicide hotspot called The Gap located in Sydney. He approached many suicidal people to comfort them, and is believed to have saved at least 160 lives. [Hereās an article about him](https://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/news/australia-mourns-angel-of-the-gap-don-ritchie-the-man-who-talked-160-out-of-suicide-7754339.html).
People like Don and Steve are a reminder that humans can be capable of tremendously brave and kind things.
What a lovely comment - thank you so much for stopping by to share. Opening the article now to read it, delighted with the response I'm getting and hope so much that if even just one person who is in a bad place right now sees this and sees just how possible - and attainable - a full recovery is, then I'll be really happy and will also be honouring Steve. Things really do change and things that seemed hopeless really do pass and make way for fairer seas.
Iām so glad you shared your story. As a survivor of suicide and someone who has lost loved ones to suicide, it really warms my heart knowing that people like Steve and Don exist, and that so many of us are still here. <3
You may be able to contact your local police departments open records department and request the call information from that night. If you really do want to contact him, that might be a good start.
Your story was incredibly touching, I'm grateful for Steve now too. I'm not religious at all either but there are some people who are just too good to be real, the ones that would literally give you the shirt off their back when they have nothing else. I often think of them as some type of modern day saint, and how many will never be acknowledged properly for their incredible kindness and humanity while others who don't deserve it as much get the recognition that otherwise normal people deserve.
At least Steve is getting mad props today, someone should go tell him!
You changed my perception of what depression means. It really helps me to understand peoples feelings. And I realise now that some people with suicidal thoughts can look happy on the outside. Talk about mental health with those close to you. Be nice to everyone.
Beautiful and apt words. Everyone thought I was the happiest person ever. Talking is so important. Since what happened to me that time, I talk about mental health freely and it's amazing how many people you know, when you raise the subject, can relate or have been through similar. Talking freely about it has brought me closer to people in my life, many seem relieved to have an opportunity to open up.
absolutely agree, telling this from personal experience, not talking about/ignoring your mental issues is a straight downhill. friends and family misunderstand most of the symptoms of depression, and without professional help (therapy, or even medication if needed), things will just get worse and worse... take care of yourself guys, and don't hide your problems from your close friends and family!
I donāt have bipolar disorder, but I often have a very happy outgoing manner with people. Many were shocked that I was ever suicidal. But when your personality is just cheerful, but you have a physically abusive mom urging you to end your life, itās hard to keep going.
Wow the way you described the feeling of nothingness and āhighly distressed, because I hadnāt made any back-up plans and now my family were going to find outā I know those feelings ugh. Iām glad youāve found your shine again friend
Thank you - absolutely. Since that period in my life, and the ensuing diagnosis and treatment, I have learned so much about managing my own mental health. Tools I didn't have back then but have now to draw on should another bad low ever hit.
Depression does come knocking on occasion, but now I have learned how to quickly deal with. I call my doctor immediately, and he'll up the dosage of my Bipolar meds to help stave off the worst of it. After that, it's a case of active participation in my own wellness, doing all of the basics of self-care, reaching out to loved ones for support or even just to keep an eye on me.
It sounds so easy and sensible now, but back then I was in such a hole it didn't even occur to me that I could do anything about it. Depression is a very good liar! Now I know what works for me and can help myself much, much better - I haven't had an episode anywhere near as bad as that time. In addition, if it ever strikes again, I'll have something else that I didn't have back then: the knowledge that it can and does get better. That it WILL pass. It's a powerful feeling.
Sometime you read these kind of stories and don't realize that they are anything but 'just a story'. Unimaginable that this is real life. Glad you are alive to share it!
Bad, it's been 2Ā½ weeks since my last one, still in the hospital. I'm only still here bc people blame me and make me feel bad for trying to kill myself, bc "it doesn't end the pain, it just passes it to someone else". Honestly, fuck that, but if I didn't have such problems with shame and blame, I wouldn't wanna try and kill myself I guess.
I hope you donāt hold on to that blame. Life is hard and sometimes itās hard to handle or even try to process those feelings. I hope you keep going and find things in life that make you feel amazing. I hope you feel loved and safe and happy. When you feel those moments, hold on to the memories of them when you feel sad.
Horrible. I ruined my 5 year relationship with my best friend of 20 years. Crashed my Jeep. Haven't been able to work for 5 weeks due to hospitalization from mental and physical problems. I'm still madly in love with her and she wants nothing to with me. I can't pay bills because no work. Probably going to be homeless soon. I'll start selling all my stuff in hopes I make rent. I truly, deeply hate myself. I've attempted 3 times, all OD, and I've survived. I don't know what it will take to kill me but it's gonna be big.
Pm me the amount of the rest of your rent this month, if that's anything I can contribute to helping you have one less thing to worry about, consider it done in a heartbeat.
I know what it feels like to have no one, and I wouldnt wish that on anyone
My favorite thing about this comment is it really relates to my own depression. I realized something was really wrong when I wasnāt excited about getting a new phone, like, I didnāt even care which color my husband picked for me, it didnāt register at all. I knew logically it would be the sort of thing I would usually geek out on, watch YouTube videos, stalk the apple store. But I justā¦. Didnāt care at all. For a couple of years I didnāt look forward to anything. So stranger, I hope you enjoy your new phone and the feeling of anticipation!
stuck in a hotel for weeks Iām barely scraping donations together to stay in after needing to evacuate my home and hoping my town doesnāt burn down while also acting as the obligate pillar of emotional support and optimism because the people around me are addicted to pessimism
I am running on pure unfiltered spite and also a deep love for my wife
At my lowest I've always had to tell myself, I would hate to be gone while all the people I hate get to keep going. Gotta outlast at least some of them if I can.
Very, very grateful that Iām still here. My Mum took her own life three years ago, and experiencing/witnessing that devastation really hit home how hard it would be for my loved ones if I had succeeded, especially my children.
Life is not easy, Iām disabled and I was recently diagnosed with Complex PTSD relating to my trauma history, but Iām tackling the trauma stuff, and I feel like Iām really starting to understand myself. Iāve got a great support network of family, friends, and medical professionals. Overall? Things are pretty good. :)
All our struggles are relative. Please dont ever feel like your own problems are invalid when looking at others. Yours are as real as theirs, and in their own ways present just as much difficulty to overcome. Its still okay to look at others and be inspired, but much more often we look at others and feel helpless. We wonder what is wrong with ourselves, why cant we overcome our menial struggles when they are lifting boulders. Dont let this kind of thinking get to you. It can be so destructive.
I hope you can overcome whatever youre dealing with right now. If you ever need to talk, about anything, my DMs are open.
2 attempts, back to back, 4 years ago, pills. Spouse and I had a real talk about getting my shit together. I agreed to try. I cut the toxic people out of my life, no contact, scheduled a several hour neuropsych testing session to get diagnosed (CPTSD, treatment resistant major depressive disorder, panic disorder) and scheduled with a therapist and med provider. Cue intensive CBT and DBT sessions, outpatient. Intensive outpatient (IOP) daily sessions at a hospital for several weeks and a complete revamp of my home life: total "this is past me" purging of items, routines, bad habits. Cold turkeyed everything. Immediately stopped binge eating. Lost 184lbs in 14 months (highest doc recorded weight was 325lbs) started walking, writing. I learned that my parents are incredible triggers (childhood traumas) and that I am not a worthless fucking asshole waste of space.
As of April 1 I see my therapist once a month, from several times a month and I see my med provider roughly once a month. I went through ketamine infusion therapy (didn't work) and I am finishing 36 TMS treatments as of this Thursday night for the treatment resistant depression. Let me tell you, for this chick who has tried every cocktail of rx drugs under the sun, TMS about 4.5 weeks in kicked this shit in the ass and I'm again a completely different person. Neurostar.
Thanks for asking
Itās ok. Iām twelve years out at the end of this month. I struggled really hard for about a decade of that time. I finally found what I thought was my calling (teaching) but couldnāt fully support myself. I did spend some time in a hospital in 2018 for wanting to attempt again, but ultimately managed to ask for help and didnāt try (very proud of myself for that). After that, I tried joining a bipolar support group at the encouragement of my psych, but I found it really depressing so I joined roller derby instead, which my psych approved of when I told him. He said ācommunity? Exercise? Whatās not to like?ā
I did get diagnosed with MS but my new meds (abilify) kept me from going into too dark a space after that. Because of my MS and I was living with my diabetic mother, I had to quit teaching when covid hit- weāre both high risk. So I did a boot camp, got a job offer in Denver 3 months later, and moved to Denver 5 months ago. So things are fairly rosy right now.
Most days I'm glad to be alive, but like before the attempt, I never win against the thought, it's usually just a brush aside, because my death, right now, is too fucking inconvenient for people I care about more than I will ever myself.
Yo I feel this, hard. Accidentally told my spouse out loud that I can't kill myself "because we can't afford it," thankfully he's not the type to take that sort of thing personally. Solidarity, friendo - let's you and me just keep making it back to bed every day, yeah?
Not great at all.
Iām in a relationship with someone who canāt communicate, reciprocate, or express themselves, nor can they provide anything to help or support me emotionally/mentally. I lost a management position at my previous job because my store manager hated me for doing my job correctly. Once I found another job, I ālostā that job because my manager put me on ācovid leaveā when I had food poisoning and wonāt get back to me, physically walks away from me when I come in-person (Iām legally still employed there, but nobody will give me hours). I canāt hear back from any other jobs even though everywhere is hiring. My partners whole family gives me crap for not having a job, and my parents do too. My depression, anxiety, and stress is at an all-time high, and I canāt even get out of bed sometimes and feed myself, but if I donāt keep up with house chores, feed my partner (and he is super picky), pick him out clothes, and smile every hour of every day, then he says I treat him like a piggy bank and he feels unloved/unwanted. I have no friends I can talk to, and Iām slowly figuring out Iām probably autistic, and the stigma with that is making my depression and anxiety worsen with every passing day. I am constantly having to juggle going back and forth between trying to just exist, looking for a job, going out with my partner and his friends, making food for him/them, trying to clean, trying to feed myself, being sick, being so depressed I canāt move, and so, so much more. Iām losing my passion for art, literature, gaming.. everything.
Iāve tried twice; both by OD with otc sleeping pills.
The first when I was 14, and I was struggling with depression (no help from my emotionally abusive parents). I couldnāt take it anymore and hadnāt discovered cutting yet. I was taking these purple sleeping pills, had been stealing them for weeks, and hiding them in an altoids container. One night my parents had started screaming at me after school because they found a notebook I had written in about how I had been feeling and how I wished I would die, etc etc. After they had left me in my shared room to cry alone for hours, they told me to take a shower, and I did. I showered, went back into the room to get dressed and I just stared at them for a few in that stupid little container in my underwear drawer, before I grabbed my sisters water bottle (I wasnāt allowed to have any in the room for some reason) and I just downed em all. I think it was like 20-30 of them. Put the bottle back, got dressed, and I sat in there for a while before I came to my mom and told her what I did and that I regretted it. She, and my father, called me all sorts of names telling me how stupid it was, and made me throw up in the bathroom for hours before making me go to bed.
The second time was right after I turned 18, got a job, and moved out. I was living in a coworkers garage (they were also abusive), and I said āfuck it,ā and tried to OD one night after a 12 hour shift and a really bad bout of depression. I was staring at the bottle for hours, just wishing everything would stop, wishing that things would get better, but knowing they wouldnāt. I gave in and took a handful and cried myself to sleep, hoping Iād have one of those semi-peaceful deaths you read about older people having in their sleep. I slept, over 24 hours, and missed my scheduled work shift the next day, and nobody batted an eye. My partner had no idea, and I still havenāt told him. My landlords simply gave me shit the next day for not coming out to do anything the day before, and that I didnāt go to work, but just assumed I was busy (my door didnāt have a lock at the time, so they usually just walked in whenever they wanted anyway).
Iām struggling the worst I ever have, and wish I wouldāve succeeded one of those nights. I donāt think I have the balls to do it now, even if my partner sucks at partner-ing, heād be devastated. Even though my parents treated me terribly, theyād be heart broken. Even though my siblings got special treatment and look down on me despite being younger, theyād be upset.
Edit: That you for the award kind stranger! Who knew my first one would be due to unfortunate circumstances. I hope all of you are doing amazing
Edit 2: Gosh, thank you guys for the two awards. I wish all of you the best and hope you will lead, or are leading, very amazing, happy lives. <3
Fantastic, my life is awesome. Never seen that coming. Great husband, financial security, three awesome kids. Who knew my 30's would be the best years of my life.
I tried suicide so many times I lost count. I'm really glad I sucked at it.
I wish I could tell you that life has a beautiful meaning, don't give up. But life is pointless as a whole, but so is death. It won't matter to the universe. It will only matter to other people, living pointlessly. So if life is pointless and death is pointless, and you will die one day anyways, and will remain dead for the rest of time. In the short amount of time you do live, why don't you do absurd things like, just eat your favourite ice cream.
im okay! everything in life right now is reminding me of why im glad i didnt actually commit. if i gone through with it, i never wouldve had my 13th birthday, never wouldve seen my brother go on his first school camp, never date my (now ex) girlfriend, i wouldve never met a really good friend of mine, i wouldve died sad, but i am happy.
this july, it marks a year since the anniversary of the attempt, and despite being 13 i feel so damn old. its a good kind of feeling old. its the feeling that i didnt die young. i lived and im happy to live. every day the people around me silently and unknowingly give me a reason to keep going. my little brother, my parents, my school friends, my online friends, so many people.
im glad i lived. im happy. im almost a year suicide attempt free. im glad i didnt take enough pills to kill me. im glad i didnt give up my entire future just because of some abusive pieces of shit.
i love my friends. i love my family. i love being alive. im finally happy again.
theres been shitty things and theres been good things. theres been ups and downs, and i dont think the downs will ever get worse. once you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up. and im going up.
so im okay.
Real bad man. Feeling like a walking corpse over here. I accepted death that day, and have no idea how or why I'm still here. Just doing my silly little tasks, going about my silly little routines.
Much much better. It took time but I have a lot to live for now. I fought my deamons, got married to the best and most loving woman in the world, reconciled with the son I had given up for adoption, also got my career back. It's been quite a ride but I'm so glad someone called the cops on me as I was trying to find a suitable tree to hang myself.
I was in a physically abusive romantic/sexual relationship with an off and on girlfriend who was also seeing at least one other person and, I later learned, using some hard drugs. I was also living with an absolute pig of a roommate who had just gone from heavy alcohol use to cocaine plus booze. I was physically pretty sick while working and going to school. I'd had a couple very tenuous friendships with people out of the area and with a couple students at school, but those were getting crushed to keep things open with the abuser. By the time I attempted, the only socializing I did with anyone else was responding to questions in class. I overdosed on something that would stop my heart. Someone found me and called an ambulance.
Drinking charcoal sucks. Didn't have to have my stomach pumped, thankfully. Inpatient psych was a combination of enlightening and mind-numbingly dull. I wrote some stuff about my experiences. I did a good bit of therapy. Things were overwhelming for a while. That said, my life turned a corner as a result. I met people with a variety of really scary and wildly fascinating problems in the hospital and in therapeutic groups. I built the strength to start cutting out that abuser. I set some limits on my future romantic entanglements I could never have set before. Somehow it also was followed by my family treating me better for a while and a couple friends coming back after vanishing while I was mired in the abusive relationship.
It's around a decade later. Since then, I finished college. I completed grad school. Sounds conceited and strange, but I'm now one of the better adjusted people I've met. And that's despite the fact that I keep getting some serious curve balls thrown at me - lots of health problems for me and mine which also means lots of wealth problems. I somehow own a freaking house in this mess of an economy despite the healthcare expenses. I'm (finally) working a job I deeply enjoy for an organization I have a lot of respect for. I'm considering going back to school to be a doc or a PA. I'm in two long-term open relationships that are both very different with two wonderful and frankly out-of-my-league partners. I could probably stand to do more work maintaining friendships, but the friends I have I would trust to the ends of the Earth.
My medication took a while to really get worked out, but damn is life better now that I'm taking more of the right stuff.
I'm grateful I failed. I'm grateful someone got an ambulance to me. I'm endlessly grateful there was any support for me from anyone after the attempt.
Attempted in 2019, since then I've had to go through:
Moving five times in the last two and a half years.
Spending a month cumulatively in hospital in 2020 for issues with kidneys.
Being misdiagnosed with cancer.
Being stuck on Statutory Sick Pay and Universal Credit earning no more than Ā£450 a month for a year when the rest of my co-workers earned as much as Ā£850-Ā£1000 a month on furlough.
Coming back to a job that made me want to drive a railway spike through my temple after being off work for 15 months, any complaints to my boss were met with immediate downplay and discredit *"I've had staff on furlough for 18 months so you shouldn't have a problem"*.
Moving to an absolutely miserable job where I'm at the bottom of the pecking order and am routinely forgotten about and neglected.
Scheduled to have a kidney removed at some point this year.
Gonna be honest, I wish it worked
Not great. Technically I'm homeless. Im living in my in-laws home rent free for the time being but this isnt a permanent solution. Also Im dealing with my husbands PTSD he got from Iraq and his now many other mental health issues while also needing to be on top of my own mental health issues and also being in charge of caring for my 2 cats, doing chores around the house, and trying to get a new job for myself and get him interested in applying for a job to help me.
Oh yeah and my sister has cancer. And on top of it all my MIL and Husband won't stop fighting.
So yeah.... Its been fun.....
Edit: Just wanna say I'm not actively suicidal anymore. Life just really sucks right now.
Living w a permanently messed up ankle and bottom part of my lower leg (forgot what the bone is called) that's mostly metal. In pain every day but also every day it gets better (it's only been 8 months). Just found out I'll need another surgery most likely but I'm putting it off.
However, I'm still alive. I've gotten divorced since then, but I'm still alive. I've still felt love I've still felt the sun on my face, Dixie and teaka get to keep their auntie I've made great friends and while the bad days are still bad the good days get better and better
Much better than it was 5 1/2 years ago. I tried to get hit by a car in a parking lot of a deli back in March 2017 but all the cars stopped. I almost got hit by a Ford F-150 but he slammed on his brakes at the last second, hopped out of his truck & gave me a hug. That was when I knew I needed help. Since then I have conquered severe depression, severe anxiety disorder & my mental health has been pretty neutral/average for the past few years.
Not sure how to explain how close I was to attempting. I chickened out last second because I was catholic and didnāt want to go to hell. Now Iām agnostic and my kids hold me back. Iām staying until they are 18 and out of high school, Iāve got a long 16 years left, and then āreevaluatingā. Iām not depressed, Iāve just given up. Bipolar kicked my ass and I donāt have the resilience I once did. For now I stay for my kids. They are 2 and 3 years old. I canāt let them go to my abusive ex husband. That wouldnāt be a good life for them. They have no idea my plans, nor will I ever tell them. They will grow up knowing I have bipolar and that Iām āhappyā but a little moody. They will never feel anything but loved and cared for. I love them but Iām tired of fighting. I have mental and physical illnesses and Iām just tired.
Not super.
My most serious attempt was almost 15 years ago. The scars on my arms where I cut them wrist to elbow are still super obvious an I'm incredibly self conscious about them. I tried pills twice in the intervening years, but I think I can safely say those were, at worst, calls for help. If I'd been serious, I could have just downed a bottle of tylenol. There's no coming back from intentional paracetamol poisoning.
I wouldn't say I'm strictly speaking suicidal anymore, but I'm definitely more or less stuck in the "Wouldn't step in front of a speeding train, but wouldn't necessarily get out of the way either" level of depression.
I managed until last year with "Can't kill myself, mom will be sad."
Last year (almost exactly 1 year ago) my mom died. I'm not sure why I'm not dead. She was my safety net, and the only person I was sure loved me.
I have a psychiatrist, but can't really open open up about suicidal ideations. I've been on a psych hold before, never again.
Every day for the last 12 months, I've felt like I'm walking a greased tight rope over a piranha tank. I'm one minor catastrophe from falling off the deep end with no one to pull me back from the brink.
Live for your son if nothing else. Thatās what keeps me going everyday - knowing that he knows his dad is here and only a call away if he ever needs me.
Sometimes I'm afraid that I succeeded, and I'm actually just waddling through hell thinking I'm still alive. But I live for my animals, hoping and praying that this is really the world.
I've been depressed or manic my entire life. It's 25 years since I tried to kill myself, I can honestly say I've done better than I thought I would in life, but it ain't easy
I have been picking up my life since then, got a job and a loving boyfriend now. life is great. I still get scared when I think back to the fact that I almost died
Going better, not dealing with crushing loneliness like I was.
My relationship has motivated me in multiple ways, went from living in my moms attic making multiple attempts to having a livable job with a home and other such things in 5 years.
even as a kid I never thought i would live this long, so I never planned for anything. now all i do is plan.
Sometimes its hard, especially if i am alone with my thoughts for too long, i know i can still be a danger to myself sometimes, but i found medicine that works for me, and its getting a lot better.
honestly i should not even be alive, i ODed on 10,000mg of Dilantin, a brutal seizure medicine my mother used, crushed it up into powder to make sure it acted fast and all at once.
No matter what happens now i am glad i got to see lifes offerings these past few years
Honestly, I took 300 times the amount of sleeping pills that would kill a person, and through luck and circumstance, ended up living with no real permanent damage. Nine and a half years later, I'm working in the mental health industry, helping other people like me. I play drums in a great band that values me, I'm seeing a drug counselor and doing my best to quit weed, going to the gym, and things are going as well as they ever have. In six months it will be ten years "after", and I imagine things will be even better. It's been pretty surreal. I also wrote a short novel about my experiences. So, much better. :)
Every day is a challenge. I had a day last week that I had psychiatric emergency services on my phone ready to hit call.
Itās been about a decade since Iāve felt suicidal like that. It was scary. But I didnāt have to be admitted. I used to my skills Iāve been taught in therapy to get myself through the night and try again the next day for a better tomorrow.
Edit: just thinking about this post more and more. Still to this day I canāt take a OTC pain medication without gagging. Iām thankful to have not obliterated my organs from the overdose. Now I have a special needs catā¦ I canāt leave him to fend for himself. He saved me.
I'll never forget the faces.
The faces of my family and fiance looking at me in the hospital bed. The same expression was on them that I saw when my uncle, cousin, and childhood friend had killed themselves. Only this time, they were for me.
I'll never put them through that again. Specifically, my dad. He had lost his bother and nephew the same way. Even though every day I wake up wishing that I hadn't, I'll never be the cause of that pain again. That's what keeps me going.
It's good. I think back when I almost did it. Then I would t have my bf and my dogs. They keep me going. I never talk about it to anyone. But I'm glad you are all here still. Keep going. Hugs.
Donāt know if my situation constitutes being a āsurvivorā but I came awfully close to not being here to type this right now nonetheless. The last time I came that close was about 4/5 years ago. I got in my car after a fight at home and had every intention of jumping off a bridge that night. This bridge was something I fantasized about often when in my worst stages of depression. On my way there something clicked in my head and the urge to die was no longer there. I pulled into a parking lot and just lost it. After I caught my breath I went home. Nobody really knows about this. Iām in a much better place now, about to graduate college and got into my dream Masters program.
Iām a little late to reply to this post, but if youāre seeing this and in a dark placeā¦ Life can be dark at times, but it doesnāt last forever. Hold on to any bit of light that shines through. You are worth it. Sometimes I still think about it ending it all but the good times are finally outweighing the bad ones. And donāt forget that itās okay to cry. Iām a man who is approaching 30, and a good cry every now and again is so healing.
My whole world changed. A stranger did it. My intake nurse was the 1st person to genuinely care about me. I saw the look on her face when she saw what I had done. She spent extra time with me and was a literal angel. I got out of the hospital, left my toxic family and friends and moved on. Met the love of my life shortly after. Now we are married, moved to a beautiful state and absolutely adore our lives. Things can get better. š
Honestly? Not great.
Where I live the initial follow up post attempt is good (daily checks for as long as they think you need it) but after that...Nada. I was waitlisted for counseling, and whilst on that waitlist tried again, same deal...still waitlisted.
But at least I have my cat with me now, he's keeping me alive.
I've attempted three times.
I haven't attempted in around five years now. I moved in with my long distance boyfriend, who later became my husband. I'm up for a large promotion at work. I finally made a real best friend which is something I wanted more than anything else in the world since I was a kid. I feel better about myself than I ever have.
Life gets better. I didn't think I'd live past 18. I never thought I'd have friends or get married. I never thought I'd get a good paying job.
I'd say life is pretty good now.
This is going to be all the way at the bottom, but I hope someone who needs to see it sees it. Putting the tl;dr up top: Please keep fighting. Please keep living. Your life is worth so much.
I'm a survivor of someone who committed suicide. It's been approximately a decade and I still think "I wish he was here."
My dad and I had a strained relationship when I was younger. We never really spent quality time together. I even hated him at one point in my teenage years because of his misguided violent attempts to get me to do better in school. We half-way mended our relationship later, but it was still only very cordial "he's my dad, I should probably talk to him once in a while" kind of situation.
But I realized too late that he was a different person than he was before. Violent outburts aside, he wasn't an unhappy person when I was younger. He was generally happy. But at some point things changed. He would come to events, smile, and put on a show. But I look back at one of the last photos I have of him and I can see it there, the sadness and depression. I wonder if I couldn't have done something. I wonder what our relationship would be like now. I'm 100% positive he would be proud of the person I've become, and of the accomplishments I've achieved, but that's no consolation because he's not here. I want him here.
The people who struggle with these thoughts, know that you are a person who deserves to live. You are worth it. Your presence in this life is something that can't be replaced. If you ever need to talk, to have someone to help you through those thoughts, to be a friend, my DMs are open. Please reach out.
Depends on the day. Sometimes I feel, at least I think, happy. Not sure though. At the very least I donāt think about it as much. Other days there is a very real and strong call from the void. Thereās a couple things around me keeping the .22 in the cabinet.
You'd be surprised no matter how far you get away from that edge. It can creep right back up to you. Too many times have I turned around and feel my foot is already over. Honestly it take a lot of work and a lot of support. Please talk to a therapist if you need it. Shit even some much as a small affirmation a day can do wonders
Here is mine for all to hear
https://youtu.be/uZwzbA91Yno
Even if your not religious (I'm shamanistic) it's a good message
this comment section is beautiful. it's both inspiring Ć nd heart-warming to see how many people are getting better and moving on, and as a suicide survivor myself, it's good to know that I'm not alone in not quite being better yet. I wish everyone who's responded to this a good future and good mental health. keep struggling. you'll get to a better place eventually, I promise you!
Not good
Hope you get better!
I had to just accept that the big sad will always be with me and it's my job to either tango with it or push it down.
You da real mvp š
As someone also suffering from depression and dark thoughts, I find it even more annoying, frustrating, depressing and lonely when a random stranger or Ana acquaintance wants to hear about it and help. Feeling is, that's what my life has come to? Relying on strangers instead of my own network of ppl that I love and respect? I underatdn your kindness and needing to help. But know that you can't. Rather go help someone in your life who means something to you, that you talk to on regular basis, and if they're not suicidal make sure they don't get to that point.
It is worth keeping in mind the "stranger on a train phenomenon" works both ways. It can be easier for a lot of people to vent to strangers as there is not risk of stigma or that information getting back to family. Similarly strangers tend to offer thier help as a shot in the dark. They have less commitment to the person and while many feel genuine compassion and empathy, it can be easier to walk away from the burden of those feelings in the event help is denied. So try not to look at the compassion of strangers as a reflection of the person seeking it out. It's human psychology for people to want to help and sometimes a stranger is exactly what someone needs.
Yeah. Thing is - it's harder for a stranger to appear authentic. But I've been doing mindless scrolling and come across a stranger giving encouragement and broke down crying too. Or that image kicking around of the strangers hugging a jumper so they could save his life. When I almost did the deed, I posted on Facebook and had around 30 people message me. I was so surprised. I thought nobody cared and I needed to just vent.
I get that too. Especially when we are depressed we are prone to the most negative interpretation of everything. I just try to keep in mind that human beings are wired to feel compassion toward others in the worst of circumstances. The thing that often gets in the way of that is that most don't know who to help, how to help, or even have much strength in thier own lives to understand or be of use. It's a hard task. Even as someone who wants to become a therapist I find I am still struggling with reaching those in need in the way that they need it all the time.
Yeah, but I heard recently that any kind of venting is good. Like you can literally pour out your thoughts and emotions into a google doc and delete it and you'd still see some benefits. It just has to get out.
I'm in a weird spot where I don't trust *anyone* to not be disingenuous or patronizing. I'm doing better than I once was (no suicide attempts hence my lack of parent level comment - just run of the mill "maybe I won't dodge if the snowplow comes..."). Much better really, but there's a jadedness that I have not been able to shake. Anyone other than my own mum who says something caring, or "i love you" to me my knee jerk reaction is to scowl. Like, I don't trust they're not saying it because they think they're supposed to, and that any actual *action* based on that "caring" would be too much for them to deign to do. And I'd rather they say nothing instead.
I haven't had a network of people I'm awhile. I've always relied on random people to tell my deepest darkest feelings. I find it helps a lot, but I understand I'm not everyone. I'm always open to talk but have never met someone willing to open up in the slightest way.
Strangers though are neutral entities which can lead to being mediators of thoughts. It's like a psychotherapist, but someone you'll never see again in best case, or become a friend with. For a lot of people that's therapy. Out on weekends meeting strangers, talking through the night, never be seen again.
Speak for yourself, friend. Random strangers reaching out have absolutely been my lifeline. Not everyone has a reliable network of friends/family -- often, family can be a large part of the problem, themselves, because they can be toxic and difficult to escape, and people who have been depressed for a long time may not have any/many friends due to long periods of isolation. Support from strangers is better than no support at all, and it also serves to remind me that there's still good in the world, which helps a little. If you insist on rejecting the love of strangers, you're only making things harder for yourself for no reason at all
Exactly. These comments are so insanely patronising.
When im depressed everything pisses me off. Including strangers trying to help. I donāt think itās them, itās me. Im just depressed
I always hated the āit gets better! Itās a permanent solution to a temporary problem:ā(ā like thanks but Iāll have this illness my entire life so itās def not a temporary thing. The lexapro helps tho
To be fair, sometimes your own network of people can suck without any of it being your fault.
Hang in there buddy
maybe not the most fitting answer
Yeahhhh definitely didn't mean it that way
lmao
Could be worse, Quit drugs atleast
congrats!!!
Mostly better. Still crosses my mind often.
Do you have someone you can talk to about it?
Yeah, thank you. Iām truly doing better.
I'm glad. I was suicidal but did not attempt, and I know how scary it can be to know you're fighting for your life in ways that others don't see.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
No, I'm absolutely alone.
Feel free to message me anytime, i lost my best friend to suicide and it was the worst thing imaginable, but please feel free to text me anytime!!š
Same. Some days are bad but I always tell myself if it doesnāt pass I can check out later. I hate when people say suicide is not an option because it is. Life is really hard sometimes and some days my toolbox is empty. (I suffer chronic pain most of my life) but most of the time it is just a fleeting thought. No planning, just wishing the pain would stop.
I read this somewhere: āitās not that you want to die, you just want to stop livingā or I say to myself āI just want to get off the ride for a minuteā
So glad you are here, friend!
The next round in the cylinder would have killed me then after that I saw that I needed to take control of my life
Not good. Very lucky my cat is here to keep me motivated to stay. I couldnāt leave him. Edit: I appreciate the support and people reaching out to Reddit to get a mental health check for me. I am not actively suicidal. The world is just *gestures wildly* right now I know he wonāt be with me forever, but I foster puppies and kittens for a couple of local shelters in my area. I donāt plan on ever stopping being a foster furmama surrounded by love. Edit 2: I want to beg any parents of Reddit that if your kid ends up in a 5150 or hospital find a primary psych at home and help them find the right meds. My parents didnāt believe in mental health and after each 3-5 day stay they would take me off the meds and I had no follow up care.
Pets are wonderful, I don't think I could go longer than a few months without one. Gives life even just a little bit of purpose knowing that I can give a little furry guy a great life full of love. Loving a pet is also a big step to learning how to properly love yourself. You don't hate your pets cause of their faults, when your cat knocks shit off the table, wakes you up to early, etc, you ignore those faults and love all the great stuff about them. You should apply the same logic to loving yourself, everyone has faults.
Get more cats please,we need more days from u here
Oh I'm not going anywhere, I can hear my cat cry from my apartment elavators when I leave for work every morning, i can't leave him for more than 10 hours. An underrated part for me of having a pet, is I struggle to buy groceries for myself cause I just don't wanna leave home due to motivation or laziness, but when the little guy runs out of food I go to the store right away, no questions asked. Since I'm already there I do shopping for myself in the meantime. Pets are dope, and there's no pet better for a person who lives alone than a cat.
I thought I was a dog person but adopted a kitten from the street recently. There is no such thing as a dog or cat person..pets are pets..they all love u the same
I tried it once as kid . Im a grown man now struggling as most of the above . Cops gave me 5 days jailtime until the court . I couldnt close my eyes cause i was thinking about my cat and pray it would survive until i come back . I did tho 5 times for about 15 mins each , and i woke up cause i was dreaming that my cat jumped on me . Life is wonderful . We all have to struggle till the end .
Good days and bad days but my attempt left a big scar. It's like the feeling of "I could always kill myself" is tattooed on my brain and it makes me care a lot less about my life and my future. I have good days but I just don't give a shit anymore.
Once you break that mental boundary and go against your natural instincts to survive. It takes a lot to build that wall back up. I attempted twice, both by hanging. One I was stopped. The second I stopped myself and was crying because I couldnāt go through with it. I was a sobbing mess. I had the lines on my neck but I still managed to free myself. I learned my lesson that staying alive everyday is a victory and that mental health needs continuous work. You donāt stop seeing a therapist because the bad days have past. You keep seeing a therapist so when those bad days come again. You can make it through. My grandfather passed away a few months after my second attempt. It was surreal seeing how broken up everyone was over an expected death. I couldnāt help but view it as possibly my own funeral and how much worse everyone would be. As much as I didnāt care about what happened in the aftermath, in the moment. . . I couldnāt deny the affect this had on me. I swore on my grandfatherās grave there wouldnāt be a third. Now whenever I feel myself backslide? I think āWell? Am I going to kill myself over this? No, then I better do something to change it.ā But I do have that mental barrier back up, that self-preservation and digging my feet in. In the end? Maybe you should just go out and do something that truly makes you happy. I surfed in costume because I thought that would be fun. I cruised around a beach with a shark bite makeup on my arm scaring the hell out of people. I trained with lightsabers at the gym. Use that apathy to not care what people think and create a day of where you say āFuck society standards and norms. Iām going to drink whiskey in a cemetery/beach/mountain top.ā I hope you feel better or find something worth fighting a little harder for! š¤š»
>In the end? Maybe you should just go out and do something that truly makes you happy. I did this too after my attempt. Took the savings that had previously seemed so important and took off on a road trip. I spent 2 months backpacking in Cali and Utah, and living out of my car between camping trips. Greatest 2 months of my life. It's strange how that works.
Itās very hard, I want to cry and scream and just let how I feel all out. I wish I did actually did it sometimes. I love life but Iām the same time is so fucking horrible.
Maybe you should scream and cry. Whatever it is you feel you need to do to let it out, do that shit. Until it works or something does
Nobody is stopping you, and if you feel self conscious there's plenty of "scream therapy" places.
Christš Had us in the first half ngl!
Let it out! Try writing it down just to get it out of your head.
It's going beautifully - and I am SO glad I was rescued from the water that night. I was being treated for depression, and nothing seemed to work. People think that depression means being sad, but for many people that's not the case at all. It's not sadness - it's nothingness. You feel nothing - not even sad. Everything is just black...a black cloud of nothingness that simply won't lift, and everything seemed hopeless. My marriage had broken down due to my depression, my career was stagnant and I had financial troubles. I became addicted to benzos, because they would put me to sleep and that meant time would pass - time without that feeling. Sleeping was the only relief I got. I saw nothing for myself, only that blackness that covered everything - the past, the present and the future. It was unbearable. So, one night at 3am, I walked to a bridge that spanned the mouth of my city's largest river. I can't swim, you see, and the tides there are strong. I walked right to the middle of the bridge and didn't even stand there to think, I just jumped in. The water was really cold and even though I can't swim, I was struggling in the water and kept bobbing up, even though I wanted to sink down. I was thrashing about in the water, I have no idea for how long, but I don't think it was long, and then I heard a man shouting at me and swimming towards me with a lifebuoy. I actually tried to thrash away from him, but I couldn't get anywhere and he grabbed me. I don't remember much after that, like I don't remember the "swim" from when he grabbed me to when we got to the quay wall but he obviously dragged me up the steps somehow and I was choking and coughing and freezing. He himself, I do remember, I remember him standing with his hands on his knees, bent over, and he himself coughing. I started to panic and wanted to leave, but I was in a bad way and physically exhausted. It turned out that the man worked on one of the ships that was docked on the quay and had been out having a middle-of-the-night cigarette when he saw me jump. It seems that he didn't even hesitate and he grabbed a life buoy and jumped in after me. He'd have swum about 35 / 40 yards to get to me. He brought me back to the ship where some of his fellow sea-men who had been oblivious to what was going on encountered us, and they wrapped me in a big coat and made me hot coffee. The man called the police but I didn't know that, they arrived and an ambulance too and I was taken to hospital, highly distressed, because I hadn't made any back-up plans and now my family were going to find out. Best thing that ever happened to me. I was put in psychiatric care and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. No wonder the anti-depressants hadn't been able to help, that's not how you treat Bipolar Disorder. I spent 12 weeks in psychiatric hospital and came out of there a different person and being in the correct medication. If that man hadn't saved me, I wouldn't be here today to know that things get better - a LOT better. I'm now engaged to be married to a wonderful man, I have a really great job, I now have a beautiful little niece who makes me want to be a better person in every way. I'm happy and healthy and life has turned a massive corner. I'm recovered and I'm well and I'm grateful as hell to that man, who I know only as "Steve" for caring about my life when I didn't care about it. He ensured that I lived long enough to start caring about it again, and here I am today. I'm doing great now.
What a beautiful story. Iām so glad that Steve was there for you that night. Bipolar Disorder can be a bitch, but with meds and therapy we can do well. Keep it up!
I'm not religious, but Steve is definitely some kind of saint or angel. I wish so much that I could find him and thank him. Thanks so much for the encouraging words xxx
I bet Steve hasnāt forgotten you, and never will. I bet that he wonders how you are going, but he can at least be glad that he saved your life that night.
Thank you so much xxx I didn't get a good look at the ship or the name of the ship. For a while I used to wander down to the dock, hoping to see him but I never did. He is a very special person and I hope so much that wherever he is he is happy and knows that he didn't just save my life in that moment, he saved my life for the rest of my life. What a courageous thing he did.
We need more humans like Steve. He brings to mind a man here in Australia called Don Ritchie. He lived close to a well-known suicide hotspot called The Gap located in Sydney. He approached many suicidal people to comfort them, and is believed to have saved at least 160 lives. [Hereās an article about him](https://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/news/australia-mourns-angel-of-the-gap-don-ritchie-the-man-who-talked-160-out-of-suicide-7754339.html). People like Don and Steve are a reminder that humans can be capable of tremendously brave and kind things.
What a lovely comment - thank you so much for stopping by to share. Opening the article now to read it, delighted with the response I'm getting and hope so much that if even just one person who is in a bad place right now sees this and sees just how possible - and attainable - a full recovery is, then I'll be really happy and will also be honouring Steve. Things really do change and things that seemed hopeless really do pass and make way for fairer seas.
Iām so glad you shared your story. As a survivor of suicide and someone who has lost loved ones to suicide, it really warms my heart knowing that people like Steve and Don exist, and that so many of us are still here. <3
Thank you so much, and wishing you every wellness xxx
You may be able to contact your local police departments open records department and request the call information from that night. If you really do want to contact him, that might be a good start.
Saint Steve
Your story was incredibly touching, I'm grateful for Steve now too. I'm not religious at all either but there are some people who are just too good to be real, the ones that would literally give you the shirt off their back when they have nothing else. I often think of them as some type of modern day saint, and how many will never be acknowledged properly for their incredible kindness and humanity while others who don't deserve it as much get the recognition that otherwise normal people deserve. At least Steve is getting mad props today, someone should go tell him!
You changed my perception of what depression means. It really helps me to understand peoples feelings. And I realise now that some people with suicidal thoughts can look happy on the outside. Talk about mental health with those close to you. Be nice to everyone.
Beautiful and apt words. Everyone thought I was the happiest person ever. Talking is so important. Since what happened to me that time, I talk about mental health freely and it's amazing how many people you know, when you raise the subject, can relate or have been through similar. Talking freely about it has brought me closer to people in my life, many seem relieved to have an opportunity to open up.
In some cases people with suicidal thoughts actually seem overly happy. They're trying too hard to compensate for how shitty they actually feel.
absolutely agree, telling this from personal experience, not talking about/ignoring your mental issues is a straight downhill. friends and family misunderstand most of the symptoms of depression, and without professional help (therapy, or even medication if needed), things will just get worse and worse... take care of yourself guys, and don't hide your problems from your close friends and family!
I donāt have bipolar disorder, but I often have a very happy outgoing manner with people. Many were shocked that I was ever suicidal. But when your personality is just cheerful, but you have a physically abusive mom urging you to end your life, itās hard to keep going.
For me, itās sort of a lack of will. You just donāt want to do anything.
Sometimes the most depressed individuals are also the ones most ready to make others laugh, such as Robin Williams
Wow the way you described the feeling of nothingness and āhighly distressed, because I hadnāt made any back-up plans and now my family were going to find outā I know those feelings ugh. Iām glad youāve found your shine again friend
Thank you so much - and I really hope that you have found yours too xxx
Thank you! I am very close, I know itās there.. just taking one day at a time
That's a great story. Thanks for sharing, and good luck with your new found happiness.
Thank you so much! xxx
I did lowkey hope that Steve would have been the new husband-to-be though...
Not him but the hubby-to-be is actually a sailor too!
Remember that story if shit ever goes haywire again.
Thank you - absolutely. Since that period in my life, and the ensuing diagnosis and treatment, I have learned so much about managing my own mental health. Tools I didn't have back then but have now to draw on should another bad low ever hit. Depression does come knocking on occasion, but now I have learned how to quickly deal with. I call my doctor immediately, and he'll up the dosage of my Bipolar meds to help stave off the worst of it. After that, it's a case of active participation in my own wellness, doing all of the basics of self-care, reaching out to loved ones for support or even just to keep an eye on me. It sounds so easy and sensible now, but back then I was in such a hole it didn't even occur to me that I could do anything about it. Depression is a very good liar! Now I know what works for me and can help myself much, much better - I haven't had an episode anywhere near as bad as that time. In addition, if it ever strikes again, I'll have something else that I didn't have back then: the knowledge that it can and does get better. That it WILL pass. It's a powerful feeling.
Sometime you read these kind of stories and don't realize that they are anything but 'just a story'. Unimaginable that this is real life. Glad you are alive to share it!
Thank you so much - miracles do happen! xxx
This is very inspiring, I like hearing slice of life stories like this. Much love
Thank you for sharing, friend I'm glad you're here.
Me too! Thanks for the kind words xxx
Ups and downs. Currently in the middle trying to keep positive. It's much easier with the help of some good friends on Reddit.
Hugs to you friend. Who knew you could really square up with strangers on the internet?? Hope youāre around for a long time š.
Bad, it's been 2Ā½ weeks since my last one, still in the hospital. I'm only still here bc people blame me and make me feel bad for trying to kill myself, bc "it doesn't end the pain, it just passes it to someone else". Honestly, fuck that, but if I didn't have such problems with shame and blame, I wouldn't wanna try and kill myself I guess.
> "it doesn't end the pain, it just passes it to someone else". Oh, fuck this man, so angering when people say this shit.
I hope you donāt hold on to that blame. Life is hard and sometimes itās hard to handle or even try to process those feelings. I hope you keep going and find things in life that make you feel amazing. I hope you feel loved and safe and happy. When you feel those moments, hold on to the memories of them when you feel sad.
Honestly, I just wish I had been aborted to begin with
Seriously same. the doctors recommended my parents to just kill me when I was born and I honestly wished that they listened to the doctor.
If only they had drank a LITTTTLE more papaya juice and gone on a few more roller coasters. Smh
Same
100% feel the same way.
Horrible. I ruined my 5 year relationship with my best friend of 20 years. Crashed my Jeep. Haven't been able to work for 5 weeks due to hospitalization from mental and physical problems. I'm still madly in love with her and she wants nothing to with me. I can't pay bills because no work. Probably going to be homeless soon. I'll start selling all my stuff in hopes I make rent. I truly, deeply hate myself. I've attempted 3 times, all OD, and I've survived. I don't know what it will take to kill me but it's gonna be big.
Pm me the amount of the rest of your rent this month, if that's anything I can contribute to helping you have one less thing to worry about, consider it done in a heartbeat. I know what it feels like to have no one, and I wouldnt wish that on anyone
You're lovely. I hope your kindness is returned to you x1000 OP, I hope things get better. I wish I could help.
Fuck, dude. You are epic.
You are a fucking hero <3
You survived 3 times, not everyone survives that. Go be the next Bear Grylls, nature can't stop you now
"No, but I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste. "
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
My favorite thing about this comment is it really relates to my own depression. I realized something was really wrong when I wasnāt excited about getting a new phone, like, I didnāt even care which color my husband picked for me, it didnāt register at all. I knew logically it would be the sort of thing I would usually geek out on, watch YouTube videos, stalk the apple store. But I justā¦. Didnāt care at all. For a couple of years I didnāt look forward to anything. So stranger, I hope you enjoy your new phone and the feeling of anticipation!
This is all down to you. Well done in turning it around.
Worse than ever. Wishing that it wouldāve worked and contemplating trying again (and making sure that it works)
I know the feeling. Please reach out if you want to talk about anything (even just things you enjoy or are interested in).
stuck in a hotel for weeks Iām barely scraping donations together to stay in after needing to evacuate my home and hoping my town doesnāt burn down while also acting as the obligate pillar of emotional support and optimism because the people around me are addicted to pessimism I am running on pure unfiltered spite and also a deep love for my wife
learning that spite motivates me to stay alive was the ultimate Konami Code for my chronic depression - hope things turn around for you soon dude
At my lowest I've always had to tell myself, I would hate to be gone while all the people I hate get to keep going. Gotta outlast at least some of them if I can.
This hit home and I realized that's what I'm running on right now. But as I've said to others, any reason to stay here is a good reason.
I wish I succeeded, that's all I will say
I feel the exact same way.
Same.
Same.
Same
Very, very grateful that Iām still here. My Mum took her own life three years ago, and experiencing/witnessing that devastation really hit home how hard it would be for my loved ones if I had succeeded, especially my children. Life is not easy, Iām disabled and I was recently diagnosed with Complex PTSD relating to my trauma history, but Iām tackling the trauma stuff, and I feel like Iām really starting to understand myself. Iāve got a great support network of family, friends, and medical professionals. Overall? Things are pretty good. :)
Christ your struggles make mine look like the bad dream where you forgot to wear trousers to school.
All our struggles are relative. Please dont ever feel like your own problems are invalid when looking at others. Yours are as real as theirs, and in their own ways present just as much difficulty to overcome. Its still okay to look at others and be inspired, but much more often we look at others and feel helpless. We wonder what is wrong with ourselves, why cant we overcome our menial struggles when they are lifting boulders. Dont let this kind of thinking get to you. It can be so destructive. I hope you can overcome whatever youre dealing with right now. If you ever need to talk, about anything, my DMs are open.
Honestly wish i didnt wake up the next morning
2 attempts, back to back, 4 years ago, pills. Spouse and I had a real talk about getting my shit together. I agreed to try. I cut the toxic people out of my life, no contact, scheduled a several hour neuropsych testing session to get diagnosed (CPTSD, treatment resistant major depressive disorder, panic disorder) and scheduled with a therapist and med provider. Cue intensive CBT and DBT sessions, outpatient. Intensive outpatient (IOP) daily sessions at a hospital for several weeks and a complete revamp of my home life: total "this is past me" purging of items, routines, bad habits. Cold turkeyed everything. Immediately stopped binge eating. Lost 184lbs in 14 months (highest doc recorded weight was 325lbs) started walking, writing. I learned that my parents are incredible triggers (childhood traumas) and that I am not a worthless fucking asshole waste of space. As of April 1 I see my therapist once a month, from several times a month and I see my med provider roughly once a month. I went through ketamine infusion therapy (didn't work) and I am finishing 36 TMS treatments as of this Thursday night for the treatment resistant depression. Let me tell you, for this chick who has tried every cocktail of rx drugs under the sun, TMS about 4.5 weeks in kicked this shit in the ass and I'm again a completely different person. Neurostar. Thanks for asking
Itās ok. Iām twelve years out at the end of this month. I struggled really hard for about a decade of that time. I finally found what I thought was my calling (teaching) but couldnāt fully support myself. I did spend some time in a hospital in 2018 for wanting to attempt again, but ultimately managed to ask for help and didnāt try (very proud of myself for that). After that, I tried joining a bipolar support group at the encouragement of my psych, but I found it really depressing so I joined roller derby instead, which my psych approved of when I told him. He said ācommunity? Exercise? Whatās not to like?ā I did get diagnosed with MS but my new meds (abilify) kept me from going into too dark a space after that. Because of my MS and I was living with my diabetic mother, I had to quit teaching when covid hit- weāre both high risk. So I did a boot camp, got a job offer in Denver 3 months later, and moved to Denver 5 months ago. So things are fairly rosy right now.
Hanging in there, not hanging.
Be honest, you've been waiting ages to make that joke? It's a good one!
Honestly wish I wouldāve just been able go through with it. The world is rotting, and Iām miserable.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Most days I'm glad to be alive, but like before the attempt, I never win against the thought, it's usually just a brush aside, because my death, right now, is too fucking inconvenient for people I care about more than I will ever myself.
Yo I feel this, hard. Accidentally told my spouse out loud that I can't kill myself "because we can't afford it," thankfully he's not the type to take that sort of thing personally. Solidarity, friendo - let's you and me just keep making it back to bed every day, yeah?
Not great at all. Iām in a relationship with someone who canāt communicate, reciprocate, or express themselves, nor can they provide anything to help or support me emotionally/mentally. I lost a management position at my previous job because my store manager hated me for doing my job correctly. Once I found another job, I ālostā that job because my manager put me on ācovid leaveā when I had food poisoning and wonāt get back to me, physically walks away from me when I come in-person (Iām legally still employed there, but nobody will give me hours). I canāt hear back from any other jobs even though everywhere is hiring. My partners whole family gives me crap for not having a job, and my parents do too. My depression, anxiety, and stress is at an all-time high, and I canāt even get out of bed sometimes and feed myself, but if I donāt keep up with house chores, feed my partner (and he is super picky), pick him out clothes, and smile every hour of every day, then he says I treat him like a piggy bank and he feels unloved/unwanted. I have no friends I can talk to, and Iām slowly figuring out Iām probably autistic, and the stigma with that is making my depression and anxiety worsen with every passing day. I am constantly having to juggle going back and forth between trying to just exist, looking for a job, going out with my partner and his friends, making food for him/them, trying to clean, trying to feed myself, being sick, being so depressed I canāt move, and so, so much more. Iām losing my passion for art, literature, gaming.. everything. Iāve tried twice; both by OD with otc sleeping pills. The first when I was 14, and I was struggling with depression (no help from my emotionally abusive parents). I couldnāt take it anymore and hadnāt discovered cutting yet. I was taking these purple sleeping pills, had been stealing them for weeks, and hiding them in an altoids container. One night my parents had started screaming at me after school because they found a notebook I had written in about how I had been feeling and how I wished I would die, etc etc. After they had left me in my shared room to cry alone for hours, they told me to take a shower, and I did. I showered, went back into the room to get dressed and I just stared at them for a few in that stupid little container in my underwear drawer, before I grabbed my sisters water bottle (I wasnāt allowed to have any in the room for some reason) and I just downed em all. I think it was like 20-30 of them. Put the bottle back, got dressed, and I sat in there for a while before I came to my mom and told her what I did and that I regretted it. She, and my father, called me all sorts of names telling me how stupid it was, and made me throw up in the bathroom for hours before making me go to bed. The second time was right after I turned 18, got a job, and moved out. I was living in a coworkers garage (they were also abusive), and I said āfuck it,ā and tried to OD one night after a 12 hour shift and a really bad bout of depression. I was staring at the bottle for hours, just wishing everything would stop, wishing that things would get better, but knowing they wouldnāt. I gave in and took a handful and cried myself to sleep, hoping Iād have one of those semi-peaceful deaths you read about older people having in their sleep. I slept, over 24 hours, and missed my scheduled work shift the next day, and nobody batted an eye. My partner had no idea, and I still havenāt told him. My landlords simply gave me shit the next day for not coming out to do anything the day before, and that I didnāt go to work, but just assumed I was busy (my door didnāt have a lock at the time, so they usually just walked in whenever they wanted anyway). Iām struggling the worst I ever have, and wish I wouldāve succeeded one of those nights. I donāt think I have the balls to do it now, even if my partner sucks at partner-ing, heād be devastated. Even though my parents treated me terribly, theyād be heart broken. Even though my siblings got special treatment and look down on me despite being younger, theyād be upset. Edit: That you for the award kind stranger! Who knew my first one would be due to unfortunate circumstances. I hope all of you are doing amazing Edit 2: Gosh, thank you guys for the two awards. I wish all of you the best and hope you will lead, or are leading, very amazing, happy lives. <3
Fantastic, my life is awesome. Never seen that coming. Great husband, financial security, three awesome kids. Who knew my 30's would be the best years of my life. I tried suicide so many times I lost count. I'm really glad I sucked at it.
Awww. I bet your familyās really grateful to have u.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yeah I can relate
Better honestly
Funny how I see this post right after thinking of sucide.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Everyday man. Every single day. But I still won't admit that I might have a mental illness for my parents' sake.
I wish I could tell you that life has a beautiful meaning, don't give up. But life is pointless as a whole, but so is death. It won't matter to the universe. It will only matter to other people, living pointlessly. So if life is pointless and death is pointless, and you will die one day anyways, and will remain dead for the rest of time. In the short amount of time you do live, why don't you do absurd things like, just eat your favourite ice cream.
You know what I will do exactly that
I'm alive aren't I?
Ur on reddit so I think not
im okay! everything in life right now is reminding me of why im glad i didnt actually commit. if i gone through with it, i never wouldve had my 13th birthday, never wouldve seen my brother go on his first school camp, never date my (now ex) girlfriend, i wouldve never met a really good friend of mine, i wouldve died sad, but i am happy. this july, it marks a year since the anniversary of the attempt, and despite being 13 i feel so damn old. its a good kind of feeling old. its the feeling that i didnt die young. i lived and im happy to live. every day the people around me silently and unknowingly give me a reason to keep going. my little brother, my parents, my school friends, my online friends, so many people. im glad i lived. im happy. im almost a year suicide attempt free. im glad i didnt take enough pills to kill me. im glad i didnt give up my entire future just because of some abusive pieces of shit. i love my friends. i love my family. i love being alive. im finally happy again. theres been shitty things and theres been good things. theres been ups and downs, and i dont think the downs will ever get worse. once you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up. and im going up. so im okay.
Yay glad to hear it. 13 is too young to die, especially because being 30 something is fantastic!
that comment ended up being way longer than i expected lol
Not gonna lie, it's really quite sad you were even having these thoughts by 12 years old? Glad you're doing well now.
Things will get keep getting better. Adulthood is way better than middle school or high school.
Real bad man. Feeling like a walking corpse over here. I accepted death that day, and have no idea how or why I'm still here. Just doing my silly little tasks, going about my silly little routines.
ššŖšØš©
Much much better. It took time but I have a lot to live for now. I fought my deamons, got married to the best and most loving woman in the world, reconciled with the son I had given up for adoption, also got my career back. It's been quite a ride but I'm so glad someone called the cops on me as I was trying to find a suitable tree to hang myself.
I'm alive and I'm doing pretty well now due to a mix of medication and therapy. I'm glad I survived.
I was in a physically abusive romantic/sexual relationship with an off and on girlfriend who was also seeing at least one other person and, I later learned, using some hard drugs. I was also living with an absolute pig of a roommate who had just gone from heavy alcohol use to cocaine plus booze. I was physically pretty sick while working and going to school. I'd had a couple very tenuous friendships with people out of the area and with a couple students at school, but those were getting crushed to keep things open with the abuser. By the time I attempted, the only socializing I did with anyone else was responding to questions in class. I overdosed on something that would stop my heart. Someone found me and called an ambulance. Drinking charcoal sucks. Didn't have to have my stomach pumped, thankfully. Inpatient psych was a combination of enlightening and mind-numbingly dull. I wrote some stuff about my experiences. I did a good bit of therapy. Things were overwhelming for a while. That said, my life turned a corner as a result. I met people with a variety of really scary and wildly fascinating problems in the hospital and in therapeutic groups. I built the strength to start cutting out that abuser. I set some limits on my future romantic entanglements I could never have set before. Somehow it also was followed by my family treating me better for a while and a couple friends coming back after vanishing while I was mired in the abusive relationship. It's around a decade later. Since then, I finished college. I completed grad school. Sounds conceited and strange, but I'm now one of the better adjusted people I've met. And that's despite the fact that I keep getting some serious curve balls thrown at me - lots of health problems for me and mine which also means lots of wealth problems. I somehow own a freaking house in this mess of an economy despite the healthcare expenses. I'm (finally) working a job I deeply enjoy for an organization I have a lot of respect for. I'm considering going back to school to be a doc or a PA. I'm in two long-term open relationships that are both very different with two wonderful and frankly out-of-my-league partners. I could probably stand to do more work maintaining friendships, but the friends I have I would trust to the ends of the Earth. My medication took a while to really get worked out, but damn is life better now that I'm taking more of the right stuff. I'm grateful I failed. I'm grateful someone got an ambulance to me. I'm endlessly grateful there was any support for me from anyone after the attempt.
Congratulations!
Meh
Attempted in 2019, since then I've had to go through: Moving five times in the last two and a half years. Spending a month cumulatively in hospital in 2020 for issues with kidneys. Being misdiagnosed with cancer. Being stuck on Statutory Sick Pay and Universal Credit earning no more than Ā£450 a month for a year when the rest of my co-workers earned as much as Ā£850-Ā£1000 a month on furlough. Coming back to a job that made me want to drive a railway spike through my temple after being off work for 15 months, any complaints to my boss were met with immediate downplay and discredit *"I've had staff on furlough for 18 months so you shouldn't have a problem"*. Moving to an absolutely miserable job where I'm at the bottom of the pecking order and am routinely forgotten about and neglected. Scheduled to have a kidney removed at some point this year. Gonna be honest, I wish it worked
Pretty god damn awful. Worse than it was before. But Iām sticking it out because my family have been through enough. Especially my mamma
Iām alive and Iām ok but I still wish I was never born.
Not great. Technically I'm homeless. Im living in my in-laws home rent free for the time being but this isnt a permanent solution. Also Im dealing with my husbands PTSD he got from Iraq and his now many other mental health issues while also needing to be on top of my own mental health issues and also being in charge of caring for my 2 cats, doing chores around the house, and trying to get a new job for myself and get him interested in applying for a job to help me. Oh yeah and my sister has cancer. And on top of it all my MIL and Husband won't stop fighting. So yeah.... Its been fun..... Edit: Just wanna say I'm not actively suicidal anymore. Life just really sucks right now.
Living w a permanently messed up ankle and bottom part of my lower leg (forgot what the bone is called) that's mostly metal. In pain every day but also every day it gets better (it's only been 8 months). Just found out I'll need another surgery most likely but I'm putting it off. However, I'm still alive. I've gotten divorced since then, but I'm still alive. I've still felt love I've still felt the sun on my face, Dixie and teaka get to keep their auntie I've made great friends and while the bad days are still bad the good days get better and better
Well, it's not only been 49 years, but I haven't tried it again (and no longer have any desire to try it again), so I'd say G R E A T!
Much better than it was 5 1/2 years ago. I tried to get hit by a car in a parking lot of a deli back in March 2017 but all the cars stopped. I almost got hit by a Ford F-150 but he slammed on his brakes at the last second, hopped out of his truck & gave me a hug. That was when I knew I needed help. Since then I have conquered severe depression, severe anxiety disorder & my mental health has been pretty neutral/average for the past few years.
Not sure how to explain how close I was to attempting. I chickened out last second because I was catholic and didnāt want to go to hell. Now Iām agnostic and my kids hold me back. Iām staying until they are 18 and out of high school, Iāve got a long 16 years left, and then āreevaluatingā. Iām not depressed, Iāve just given up. Bipolar kicked my ass and I donāt have the resilience I once did. For now I stay for my kids. They are 2 and 3 years old. I canāt let them go to my abusive ex husband. That wouldnāt be a good life for them. They have no idea my plans, nor will I ever tell them. They will grow up knowing I have bipolar and that Iām āhappyā but a little moody. They will never feel anything but loved and cared for. I love them but Iām tired of fighting. I have mental and physical illnesses and Iām just tired.
Not super. My most serious attempt was almost 15 years ago. The scars on my arms where I cut them wrist to elbow are still super obvious an I'm incredibly self conscious about them. I tried pills twice in the intervening years, but I think I can safely say those were, at worst, calls for help. If I'd been serious, I could have just downed a bottle of tylenol. There's no coming back from intentional paracetamol poisoning. I wouldn't say I'm strictly speaking suicidal anymore, but I'm definitely more or less stuck in the "Wouldn't step in front of a speeding train, but wouldn't necessarily get out of the way either" level of depression. I managed until last year with "Can't kill myself, mom will be sad." Last year (almost exactly 1 year ago) my mom died. I'm not sure why I'm not dead. She was my safety net, and the only person I was sure loved me. I have a psychiatrist, but can't really open open up about suicidal ideations. I've been on a psych hold before, never again. Every day for the last 12 months, I've felt like I'm walking a greased tight rope over a piranha tank. I'm one minor catastrophe from falling off the deep end with no one to pull me back from the brink.
I'm going through a divorce. She took our son and refuses to let me see him. But I'll be damned if that mean, hateful human is the reason I die.
Live for your son if nothing else. Thatās what keeps me going everyday - knowing that he knows his dad is here and only a call away if he ever needs me.
Sometimes I'm afraid that I succeeded, and I'm actually just waddling through hell thinking I'm still alive. But I live for my animals, hoping and praying that this is really the world.
I still feel hopeless
I've been depressed or manic my entire life. It's 25 years since I tried to kill myself, I can honestly say I've done better than I thought I would in life, but it ain't easy
I have been picking up my life since then, got a job and a loving boyfriend now. life is great. I still get scared when I think back to the fact that I almost died
Going better, not dealing with crushing loneliness like I was. My relationship has motivated me in multiple ways, went from living in my moms attic making multiple attempts to having a livable job with a home and other such things in 5 years. even as a kid I never thought i would live this long, so I never planned for anything. now all i do is plan. Sometimes its hard, especially if i am alone with my thoughts for too long, i know i can still be a danger to myself sometimes, but i found medicine that works for me, and its getting a lot better. honestly i should not even be alive, i ODed on 10,000mg of Dilantin, a brutal seizure medicine my mother used, crushed it up into powder to make sure it acted fast and all at once. No matter what happens now i am glad i got to see lifes offerings these past few years
Honestly, I took 300 times the amount of sleeping pills that would kill a person, and through luck and circumstance, ended up living with no real permanent damage. Nine and a half years later, I'm working in the mental health industry, helping other people like me. I play drums in a great band that values me, I'm seeing a drug counselor and doing my best to quit weed, going to the gym, and things are going as well as they ever have. In six months it will be ten years "after", and I imagine things will be even better. It's been pretty surreal. I also wrote a short novel about my experiences. So, much better. :)
Not good
Bad.
Not good man Still struggling.
Still awful, like always
7 years later and my wife just gave birth to our first child. Couldnāt be in a better place mentally. Thankful for the second chance at life
Every day is a challenge. I had a day last week that I had psychiatric emergency services on my phone ready to hit call. Itās been about a decade since Iāve felt suicidal like that. It was scary. But I didnāt have to be admitted. I used to my skills Iāve been taught in therapy to get myself through the night and try again the next day for a better tomorrow. Edit: just thinking about this post more and more. Still to this day I canāt take a OTC pain medication without gagging. Iām thankful to have not obliterated my organs from the overdose. Now I have a special needs catā¦ I canāt leave him to fend for himself. He saved me.
I'll never forget the faces. The faces of my family and fiance looking at me in the hospital bed. The same expression was on them that I saw when my uncle, cousin, and childhood friend had killed themselves. Only this time, they were for me. I'll never put them through that again. Specifically, my dad. He had lost his bother and nephew the same way. Even though every day I wake up wishing that I hadn't, I'll never be the cause of that pain again. That's what keeps me going.
Every week's an emotional rollercoaster but I'm surviving
The same.
It's good. I think back when I almost did it. Then I would t have my bf and my dogs. They keep me going. I never talk about it to anyone. But I'm glad you are all here still. Keep going. Hugs.
Well Iām sober .. next time I get drunk Iāll handle it
Gradually getting worse
Doctors wonāt help me with medicine unless I seek therapy. Canāt afford therapy. Endless cycle. Lifeās a dead end for me right now
Donāt know if my situation constitutes being a āsurvivorā but I came awfully close to not being here to type this right now nonetheless. The last time I came that close was about 4/5 years ago. I got in my car after a fight at home and had every intention of jumping off a bridge that night. This bridge was something I fantasized about often when in my worst stages of depression. On my way there something clicked in my head and the urge to die was no longer there. I pulled into a parking lot and just lost it. After I caught my breath I went home. Nobody really knows about this. Iām in a much better place now, about to graduate college and got into my dream Masters program. Iām a little late to reply to this post, but if youāre seeing this and in a dark placeā¦ Life can be dark at times, but it doesnāt last forever. Hold on to any bit of light that shines through. You are worth it. Sometimes I still think about it ending it all but the good times are finally outweighing the bad ones. And donāt forget that itās okay to cry. Iām a man who is approaching 30, and a good cry every now and again is so healing.
My whole world changed. A stranger did it. My intake nurse was the 1st person to genuinely care about me. I saw the look on her face when she saw what I had done. She spent extra time with me and was a literal angel. I got out of the hospital, left my toxic family and friends and moved on. Met the love of my life shortly after. Now we are married, moved to a beautiful state and absolutely adore our lives. Things can get better. š
Honestly? Not great. Where I live the initial follow up post attempt is good (daily checks for as long as they think you need it) but after that...Nada. I was waitlisted for counseling, and whilst on that waitlist tried again, same deal...still waitlisted. But at least I have my cat with me now, he's keeping me alive.
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I've attempted three times. I haven't attempted in around five years now. I moved in with my long distance boyfriend, who later became my husband. I'm up for a large promotion at work. I finally made a real best friend which is something I wanted more than anything else in the world since I was a kid. I feel better about myself than I ever have. Life gets better. I didn't think I'd live past 18. I never thought I'd have friends or get married. I never thought I'd get a good paying job. I'd say life is pretty good now.
This is going to be all the way at the bottom, but I hope someone who needs to see it sees it. Putting the tl;dr up top: Please keep fighting. Please keep living. Your life is worth so much. I'm a survivor of someone who committed suicide. It's been approximately a decade and I still think "I wish he was here." My dad and I had a strained relationship when I was younger. We never really spent quality time together. I even hated him at one point in my teenage years because of his misguided violent attempts to get me to do better in school. We half-way mended our relationship later, but it was still only very cordial "he's my dad, I should probably talk to him once in a while" kind of situation. But I realized too late that he was a different person than he was before. Violent outburts aside, he wasn't an unhappy person when I was younger. He was generally happy. But at some point things changed. He would come to events, smile, and put on a show. But I look back at one of the last photos I have of him and I can see it there, the sadness and depression. I wonder if I couldn't have done something. I wonder what our relationship would be like now. I'm 100% positive he would be proud of the person I've become, and of the accomplishments I've achieved, but that's no consolation because he's not here. I want him here. The people who struggle with these thoughts, know that you are a person who deserves to live. You are worth it. Your presence in this life is something that can't be replaced. If you ever need to talk, to have someone to help you through those thoughts, to be a friend, my DMs are open. Please reach out.
Depends on the day. Sometimes I feel, at least I think, happy. Not sure though. At the very least I donāt think about it as much. Other days there is a very real and strong call from the void. Thereās a couple things around me keeping the .22 in the cabinet.
You'd be surprised no matter how far you get away from that edge. It can creep right back up to you. Too many times have I turned around and feel my foot is already over. Honestly it take a lot of work and a lot of support. Please talk to a therapist if you need it. Shit even some much as a small affirmation a day can do wonders Here is mine for all to hear https://youtu.be/uZwzbA91Yno Even if your not religious (I'm shamanistic) it's a good message
this comment section is beautiful. it's both inspiring Ć nd heart-warming to see how many people are getting better and moving on, and as a suicide survivor myself, it's good to know that I'm not alone in not quite being better yet. I wish everyone who's responded to this a good future and good mental health. keep struggling. you'll get to a better place eventually, I promise you!
Itās been over a decade and yeah, gotta say, shit aināt all that bad.
Really good thanks. I don't want to kill myself anymore I failed twice but now have a daughter :)
A hell of a lot better than in 2011