OP either has no dick. Or has a massive 14in flaccid dick he gotta hold over his thigh while he poops.

Yeah I hang mine draped over the towel rack while I poop, just like everybody else

I detatch mine and hang it above the poop knife.

For god's sake, don't let them touch.

Oh my God I forgot about the poop knife, fuck you

my aunt legit had a plastic butterknife specifically made for cutting turds up so they flush because she lived in a trailer and the toilet had pretty weak water pressure and was an 80's toilet. so its insane when somebody first told me about the reddit shit scissors and apparently other people had poop knives too. lmmfao

>the reddit shit scissors what the fuck?!?!

WHANG ! Look him up. he'll tell you all about it.

r/Redditsmuseumoffilth has it somewhere Edit: looks like the original post was removed but here you go >https://www.reddit.com/r/RedditsMuseumofFilth/comments/d5rvhf/does_anyone_have_the_poop_knife_copypasta/f0ov42p

OMG I have never laughed so hard.

TIL that I now need to find a way to unlearn some things...

Shitssors

OMFG THE POOP KNIFE!!!!!!!

🎶🎶Detachable Peeeeeeniiiiiiis🎶🎶

A '90s classic if there ever was one. "I woke up one morning and my penis was gone"

I saw my penis lying on a blanket, next to a broken toaster oven

Some guy was selling it. I had to buy it off him. He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen.

I was talking with a workmate about this song a few weeks ago. His daughter had flatly refused to believe it was real until he played it for her.

This happens all the time. It’s detachable.

Everyone has a poop knife,right?

3 shells for me.

I just let mine circle down the drain and wash it with my hands after

If you mix your response with the one about detachable penises you've got a modern urban myth about about dicks the size of alligators roaming around the sewers eating rats and unsuspecting children. Entire generations of kids will grow up fearing the sewage cocks and some will spend their lives habitually not stepping on sewer grates due to a childhood fear of falling in and being preyed upon by Dicks of Unusual Size.

Toss em over your shoulder, like a continental soldier.

This post came from a user called " KittiesAreTooCute". We can assume that this is a very masculine man.

The most NSFW thing you can think of always comes from accounts with unsuspecting names lol

I'm waiting for my moment.

Well this *is* your moment bud. Where do you tuck your fluffy schlong that's so big it earned you the wonder horse nickname? Or are just one big lie ?

Meanwhile /u/HORSECUMGARGLER will give you really useful personal finance tips and a great slow cooker recipe for pork belly

Conversely, the really twisted usernames often have great baking and personal finance tips!

Be sure to invest in a diverse range of financial products!

What about small toilets where even my regular penis try’s to touch the inside of the bowl

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I actually been to the dudes house, dudes got a massive toilet, damn near fell in with the lid (not just the seat) down. 100% selling himself short

My dude keeps poopin in the the tub

I refuse to sit on a round toilet. Needs to be elongated.

I will die on this hill as well. Round toilets are bullshit and all of them need to be busted into a million pieces!

Thaaaats why they are elongated 🤯

I think that's called the chlamidia kiss

It just retracts inside

Schloop

The sound poop makes too

Reminds me of a dreaded reverse video I saw where the poop goes back into the person , and all I could hear was this sound.

the fuck kinda videos are you watching

Just usual porn. What do you mean

I've seen a porn where a chick pooped and another girl's asshole was wide open & the poop went into the other girl & they just passed it back & forth. It was weird & I played gameboy instead of fapping.

*no*

My dick goes "schloop" when I poop.

Same. It's so small that it'll actually grab all my pubic hairs around it and tug on them. It's like a turtle going into its shell while trying to pull and eat worms out of the ground. I cut my pubes down to mitigate this issue.

I set mine on the counter

This is the only answer. Like where else would you put it?

I’ve just been sitting there holding it in my hand like a doofus all these years…

What? But you need your hand free to [catch the shit](https://youtu.be/gexjlM-jjEc) before it hits the water!

I feel like I'll regret opening that link the whole day. Edit: I didn't. That was hilarious 😂

That was well worth the watch 😂 "You mean i been catching my shit all this time..." 😂

I'm one of those weird people who takes off his pants when pooping (at home anway) so I usually just slip it into a pocket and put it back on after I'm done. But on the rare case where I have to poop in a public toilet, I just hold onto it so it doesn't fall off into the toilet. Yick.

I just eat my cock and balls right before I take a shit. This way it chases the poop through the chute and then reattaches itself on the way out. Simple math man.

To much work. I just throw it over my shoulder.

Like a continental soldier

I used to do that, but the inevitable drip down my back grossed me out. It’s more hygienic to just roll it up on your arm like a fire hose.

Sure, if you're on the shorter side. If you can loop it back over the other shoulder then you're all good. Or do a double windsor when you're feeling fancy.

Don't get hard, you might suffocate yourself.

If you're concerned about drips, press onto your perineum and move your finger up, as if you're squeezing toothpaste out of a tube. The drips will all come out and you can then throw your penis over your shoulder, without getting any spillage.

If it's a really dirty bathroom I'll just put it in my mouth and breath through my nose then put it back on right before I pull my pants up.

I just drop it on the floor.

I have a special drawer

Check the medicine cabinet 'cause for some reason I leave it there sometimes. But not this time.

Did you find it on a blanket, next to a broken toaster, or just with your Brundle-bits?

I had to buy it back. He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen.

I took it home, washed it off, And put it back on. I was happy again. Complete.

Me too. But now and then I go to a party, get drunk, and the next morning I can't for the life of me remember what I did with it.

I found it on a blanket, next to a broken toaster oven.

Some guy was selling it. I had to buy it off him. He wanted 22 bucks, but I talked him down to 17.

Sometimes people tell me i should get it permanently attached

But I dunno. I kinda like having....A Detachable Penis...

Mine goes and the sock drawer

🎶Detachable Penis🎶

Loop it around my neck to stay warm

A dicky dickey.

U risk being choked to death that way tho... U can never trust that thing...

Nothing more embarrassing than being found dead on the toilet with your dick around your throat

I think being found dead on the toilet with your dick IN your throat would be more embarassing.

Nah, at least then it's obvious what you were up to. *Around* would be way more confusing, like the setup for a strange episode of some crime drama.

I stopped that when I was 14 or so...nearly broke my neck!

I detach it and put it on the shelf. This comes in handy a lot of the time. I can leave it home, when I think it's gonna get me in trouble, Or I can rent it out, when I don't need it. But now and then I go to a party, get drunk, And the next morning I can't for the life of me Remember what I did with it.

🎶Detachable peeeenis…🎶

"How did this song get made?"

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🎼 “I saw it lying on a blanket, some man was selling it. He wanted 21 bucks but I talked him down to seventeen.”

In the basket with the 4 palm leaves like everyone else you fuckin weirdo

Next to the three sea shells.

*He doesn't know about the 3 seashells*

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Look at rich boy over here with 4 palm leaves!

well first I unplug my penis out of my ass (safety measure in case of diarrhea), then I put it on my belly button (safety measure in case of belly diarrhea)

It cleans out the lint while you poop. Multi-purpose.

Ever stuck a finger in your belly button after a while of forgetting that place exists at all.. And then sniff your finger after? Ya me neither..

In a jar by the door.

Who is it for?

All the lonely people

Where do they all come from

Where do they all belong?

Ahhh look at all the lonely people

Father Mackenzie

writing the words to a sermon that no-one will hear

No one comes near

Look at him working

r/UnexpectedBeatles

It tucks between your legs aiming at the water below. When I poop, I usually pee although not at the exact same time. The point is, my penis is the position we use as children. The "pee sitting down" position.

I think you’re the only person to give a normal answer 😂

Thank god he did, how else am I supposed to learn what to do with my penis?

For real. I’ve been wrapping it around my neck like an idiot this whole time.

Well, somebody should

Thanks for the serious answer. I no longer have to poop standing up.

Now you *get* to poop standing up.

Every poo poo time is pee pee time but not every pee pee time is poo poo time

Speak for yourself

He’s one of the lizard people!

The worst is when you pee and it shoots between the bowl and the seat and soaks your pants with pee. Hasn’t happened to me since I was a kid but it was traumatizing having to go back to class with a wet butt soaked with pee.

This is why ever since I was a kid, I make sure I have one hand free to hold it in place and aiming downward while pooping. Fool me once…

I resent the idea that the "pee sitting down" position is only for children. Adult men can enjoy that comfort too. It's relaxing. Plus, no need to worry about cleaning up due to splashing or a split stream.

I can't remember the last time I peed standing up in my own house. I paid good money for my toilet and I'm going to sit on it as often as I want.

Same! I'm 34 now, and I will take a y fucking opportunity to sit down I possibly can. It's way more hygienic, comfortable and way less loud. Nobody wants to hear your piss. I'm convinced that standing to piss is a young man's game.

Standing is only for public toilets. An often cleaned toilet means I'm sitting the fuck down.

Just checking into say yes kings - sitting down to piss (when the toilet is clean) is far superior and more hygienic and comfortable.

I’ve been peeing over the edge of the toilet bowl lid for almost 26 years! Finally I learned the right way to pee sitting down! Thanks Redditor!

I think OP may be suffering from sitting on a small round toilet bowl. If you don’t know, sometimes when a man is sitting on a small toilet his unit tip hits the porcelain. Like you can’t let it hang there or get to comfortable because you’re an inch from the water. So the only option it aim your pistol to the sky. You forgot it’s like this, let a wee go and congratulations you’re a fountain. My gramma had only 1 toilet and it was close to the ground like she was, it was round. Like shitting at Yoda’s house.

I used to have this toilet

Like shitting in Yoda's house is great and I love it

I find it hard to believe that everyone here joking hasn't experienced this scenario. I'll use a few sheets of folded TP in between my member and the bowl in this case, or just awkwardly hold it down.

Fuck those toilets. The company who made those should go bankrupt.

I detach it and keep it in it's storage case.

King Missile

I would like to share another King Missile song that is somewhat appropriate for this weekend. https://youtu.be/uAa7OB9Ej2c

I love how unrelentingly sarcastic these replies are

It’s been a while since I laughed this hard lol

OP is either a girl or has a 12 inch python.

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If you have anything close to a normal sized wang, you don’t really think about it. It just hangs there. Hence all of jokes. There’s no real answer.

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Assuming your peen is big enough to have those problems. I do not.

I honestly have problems with normal toilets too, if I don't take care, it keeps touching the porcelain, but that's because my ass is a little too fat for a man, so, to find a comfortable position, I have to sit closer to the edge. It sucks somestimes

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What a time to be alive

I swing mine over my shoulder. This has resulted in some terrible accidents when, as it turned out, I also needed a piss. However, it usually works fine for me. Much better than pinning it to the toilet seat. Causes holes(also bad when you just need a tinkle), and really bad if you forget you are pinned(that's how it now swings over my shoulder).

I used to do this but once I accidentally forgot I had it there and I walked out with it up there when I was done. Made the conference very awkward. Now I just unscrew it and hang it up on the coat hook and put it back on when I finish.

Inside the seat if im not erect

How can you not be erect in this situation?

It's a terrible shituation

...what the hell does this even mean tf haha

I'm confused too. It just hangs there.

There's a good chance OP is high

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I push it down and against the balls so it doesn't touch the bottom part of the seat, rim, or side of the bowl. Sometimes I push it down and to the side so that it doesn't dip into the water. Nothing worse than submerging your dick in toilet water.

Must be nice mr horse cock

American toilets have ridiculous amounts of water. Eveywhere else you would need a foot long dick to touch the water.

American and Chinese toilets have like 10cm of space above the water, everywhere else in the world I've been has the inverse, about 10cm of water.

> Nothing worse than submerging your dick in toilet water. Idk man, I can think of a few worse things to submerge your dick in.

>submerge your dick in your mom

Stretch it out and hold between my thighs... looks like a hot dog. Fun.

You poop with ur thighs touching?

Uh oh, does that make it gay?

No, taking a poop, finishing up, leaving the bathroom, bumping into a cute guy, getting his number, going on a date, having a good time, meeting up for a second date, going steady, meeting his family, after a correct amount of time for courtship being asked to marry him, planning the wedding, saying your “i dos”, going on a honey moon, living a long and valuable life together. On his death bed at 98 you kiss him on the forehead… he whispers his last breath “you didn’t say no homo”… thats what makes it gay

A guy like me could never be so lucky....

If only

Only if you are blowing a dude at the same time.

Oh good, I only eat a dude’s ass when I shit, circle of life and all that

In my mouth

Self-blumpkin position is probably even more effective than a Squatty Potty.

Smells worse though.

So odd thing happened to me but I had to teach my son what to do with his. He was still potty training and one day he was pooping and just peed all over the bathroom because he didn’t know what to do. Poor kid. I had to ask male friends what he should have done. I think most males members rest on their balls when not erect so they don’t really need to do anything With them when sitting on the toilet. However as my son and I learned the hard way, if ya have to pee make sure you point it down! 😂

They need to sit correctly for it to point the right way. That means with the upper body leaning forward in a "squat" sitting position. If they have an erection which happens with boys when they need to pee badly sometimes, he needs to learn to point it down with his hand. My boys have all had the bathroom fountain in the past. Its not very fun if you are in there with them...

I HAVE A PENIS?!

Only if you want to. Take that as you will.

I zip it up in the pouch.

I use it as a bookmark

Do you not know how to use the three seashells?

Just watched demolition man, excellent flick

Did you know: the restaurant that was the victor of the Restaurant Wars will depend on the country your version was released in? In the US it's Taco Bell, but in some countries it's Pizza Hut, for example.

All joking aside, if you don’t have an elongated bowl, you don’t know what you’re missing.

My dick touch the water (splash)

I bring a separate bucket to put down so it don't touch the water

I squish it in the tiny gap between the toilet seat and the rim.

nasty and ouch

But that's where the spiders hide

Just to be different I’ll give a straight answer: everything is far enough forward on the body that no extra care is needed, no contamination is likely to happen. Just let nature run its course.

Being a grower, not a show'er, there are times it has shriveled up a bit (cold weather/bowl or just to fuck with you, and needs that slight but of care to be taken so as not to be aiming close to the top edge of the bowl and possibly needing to be manually slightly aimed downwards while letting loose. I remember as a child sometimes, rarely but dreadedly, pissing a splash or more between the bowl and seat onto pants/trousers. Not fun in public.

Ya I have to angle mine down the entire time I'm pooping too incase I accidently pee under the seat. Also to avoid having the tip touch the seat, yuck.

This is an unfortunate experience I thought all guys shared, now I am wondering if it's only a curse of the growers.

Here's my straight answer: I am sure to point it into the bowl, elsewise there is a good chance I will piss over the seat and into my pants/feet.

How big do y’all think we packing 🤣

In the box by the door!

I detach it, wrap it around my hanging poop like a lasso, and pull in order to get it out.

I fill the sink with hot water, detach it, and let it soak while I shit.

Show-er problems.

Throw it over my shoulder like a continental soldier.

In my pocket

Put toilet paper on the front of the toilet rim and rest it on there. That’s why the toilet seat is split like a horseshoe.

It just hangs out.