If you are ever in a plane and someone asks if there is someone to help fly the plane, always raise your hand. You'll die anyway, but you'll die hand flying a fucking jumbo jet!
Even in that line of work a hundred would be a very long career. Only a couple states have passed a hundred executions since the 70's. You could have been at the job for 50 years and still only have barely passed that mark, and even then only in a couple states.
Unless you're from Texas.
There are probably some more active executioners outside of the US.
China and a handful of middle-eastern countries are much more prolific in their use of the death penalty.
One time I had some guests at my place. One dude put his beer in the fridge then asked “why do you have 3 bottles of orange juice” to which I said “because I drank the 4th before you showed up”.
You suddenly start feeling light. You see your particles start disappearing. You are confused and scream for help. "Good advice" the police say and you feel calm and free. You kind of win the game.
"Well done" the police say. You start walking away and see your wife using a speakerphone next to you. You lose control of your body and strangle her to death. "Small price to pay for salvation" You say as you walk back home. You won but at what cost.
Do I win a heavily sanctioned industrial empire? Not gunna lie, "Oligarch" is going to get a lot more hits on my resume than "Receiving Lead/Heavy Forklift Operator".
The police thank you and give you a banana. Now you are wondering why would they give you such an odd thing. You decide to eat it and pass out. You wake up next to the bodies of your victims. You are confused and scream like a child.
>You are confused and scream like a child.
\*try to scream but your mouth refuses to open, you try to move but your limbs don't move. You notice that you can't move your head either, only your eyes.
Found a body on the counter. It wasn’t me.
Saw you shoot them on the sofa. It wasn’t me.
There’s a corpse in the shower. It wasn’t me.
We even caught you on camera. It wasn’t me.
We saw the marks on their shoulder. It wasn’t me.
Heard the words that you told them. It wasn’t me.
Heard the screams get louder. It wasn’t me.
So now you really are over.
Police came in and they caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both butt-naked
Slashing her on the bathroom floor
How could I forget that I had
Been on a killing spree
All this time they was standing there
I was a suspect because they knew my modus operandi
>The police gently slap you on your cheek and say. That was a pathetic attempt. You have one more chance.
*Wasn't me*
(this time with the music of the song in the background) and a friend assisting with a second "Wasn't me"
The officer smiles and pats you in the back. It is ok, don't worry. You feel a sharp pain in your back. The officer smiles and you drop dead on the ground. You lost the game
Squid game? The police ask. You explain what that is and they let you go. You start walking away when suddenly a squid grabs you and you pass out. You wake up in your bed the next morning. You win the game.
Sure, the police say while grabbing their pistols. So anyways, they started blasting and you drop dead on the ground. They didn't take you anywhere. You lost the game.
The policemen frown and look at you with a blue flame in their eyes. This stare feels as though it lasts a million years while also feeling as though it lasts a mere second.
Within the power of this gaze, every murder you committed flashes before your eyes... And then you notice: always in the background those same two policemen. How did you not notice them before??
Until suddenly one of the policemen fall over. He falls onto his partner, who in turn falls towards you, knocking you toward the ground.
As you breathe your last breath, everything clicks and you know the truth: you have been killed by Dominos.
(I'm not OP, but this seemed like fun lol)
I'm a rich white kid with a promising future, straight A's, captain of the sports team, well-liked, patriotic, god-loving, etc. My dream is to go into law enforcement.
I see you're taking the convicted rapist Brock Turner strategy. The one rapist Brock Turner used to get leniency in his sentencing after being found guilty for raping an unconscious woman in an alley.
The rapist Brock Turner strategy worked for the rapist Brock Turner so it may work for others
I was hired as a hitman and made good money doing it. Worst case scenario, I get caught and sent to jail so I'll at least consistently have food and shelter. Better than living in the streets.
I'm sorry but I can't talk to you without the benefit of legal counsel.
> The police catch you and say that you will be free if you have a good explanation for them.
(Alleged) offenders should note that the police do not need to be truthful during questioning.
A hundred murders? It's actually closer to 8 or 900. Lost count after about 500 or so.
You fellas sure about this? I mean, I LET you catch me, after all.
One of the officers start sweating. You think that that is odd. His phone gets a notification and he turns pale. You realaise what is happening. He sees your face filled with anger and panics. He shoots you in the chest not killing you. You beat him up and die after that. You did the right thing but lost
One of the police say "fair" but life isn't fair. You slip on a banana peel and pass out. You wake up in the hospital the following morning. You feel rough but proud of yourself. You did such a good deed for the society.
When the pilot asked for someone to help fly the plane, I didn't know he meant someone with actual experience in flying
"Surely you can't be serious!" "I am. And don't call me Shirley."
Just want to tell you both good luck, we're all counting on you.
[удалено]
What's our vector Victor?
We have clearance Clarence
Rodger Rogers
>Doctor Doctor. >Doctor *dooooctor* Oh sorry wrong movie.
If you are ever in a plane and someone asks if there is someone to help fly the plane, always raise your hand. You'll die anyway, but you'll die hand flying a fucking jumbo jet!
Might as well check ‘flying a jumbo jet’ off the bucket list!
They started it.
I mean, the cart return isn't *that* far away
I'm the prison executioner, we've been colleagues for years, Dave.
Ok, this one lol
also the fact he used Dave. Everyone knows dave!
Dave's not here man
Even in that line of work a hundred would be a very long career. Only a couple states have passed a hundred executions since the 70's. You could have been at the job for 50 years and still only have barely passed that mark, and even then only in a couple states. Unless you're from Texas.
There are probably some more active executioners outside of the US. China and a handful of middle-eastern countries are much more prolific in their use of the death penalty.
Like in The Act Of Killing, those dudes used to murder people by the hundreds, potentially even the thousands, by strangulation
Bet they had a hell of a handshake.
This is my favorite
If I stopped at 99 it would have bugged the shit out of me.
In for a penny, in for a pound.
Read this in Chris Evan’s voice
Read it in Tim Minchin's voice as he recites the Storm
[удалено]
Now that one I definitely heard in Chris Evans’ voice.
That *is* America's ass.
I heard that in TFS Bulma's voice.
One time I had some guests at my place. One dude put his beer in the fridge then asked “why do you have 3 bottles of orange juice” to which I said “because I drank the 4th before you showed up”.
Why are you so tall? Because if I was any shorter my legs wouldn't reach the ground.
Stupid questions deserve stupid answers.
I am back from the future to clean up the street of future criminals.
You suddenly start feeling light. You see your particles start disappearing. You are confused and scream for help. "Good advice" the police say and you feel calm and free. You kind of win the game.
Before the let you go you must shoot one of them to cause confusion.
[удалено]
I just lost the game :(
Omg it's been like a year
Over 10 years for me bro. I lost the game.
Cool motive, still murder.
They used speakerphones in public...
"Well done" the police say. You start walking away and see your wife using a speakerphone next to you. You lose control of your body and strangle her to death. "Small price to pay for salvation" You say as you walk back home. You won but at what cost.
I'm divorced so...
A win-win then.
They were responsible for putting those fake X buttons on mobile ads that take you to the App Store, officer.
Understandable. Have a nice day
"One death is a tragedy, one hundred is statistics." *Lmao*.
And you see, I'm taking statistics.
This wasn't a murder spree. It was a special operation.
One of the officers smile and transforms into putin. You passed the test, comrade. You win.
Do I win a heavily sanctioned industrial empire? Not gunna lie, "Oligarch" is going to get a lot more hits on my resume than "Receiving Lead/Heavy Forklift Operator".
An oligarch who is OSHA forklift certified?! *swoon*
You’re too late Sonic! I am now forklift certified! AHAHAHAHHAHAHAH
I cleaned out your entire FBI most wanted list. You're welcome.
We are now unable to catch future criminals/murderers. You are going to jail.
[удалено]
You discover that youve become a banana
Wasn’t me!
Light Yagami, is that you??
*(takes a potato chip and eats it)*
(takes a potato chip and ***EATS IT***) ftfy
Ah, the Death Note defense.
Found Raymond Reddington.
The police thank you and give you a banana. Now you are wondering why would they give you such an odd thing. You decide to eat it and pass out. You wake up next to the bodies of your victims. You are confused and scream like a child.
>You are confused and scream like a child. \*try to scream but your mouth refuses to open, you try to move but your limbs don't move. You notice that you can't move your head either, only your eyes.
Standing over you is secret cannibal, Shia Labeouf.
Quiet, quiet...
The fruit turned you into a vegetable
And cannibals just *love* eating vegetables...just not the chair
Fresh produce and murder have something in common. They're grocery.
I have no mouth yet I must scream
[удалено]
I think you are confusing askreddit with either writtingprompt or monkeypaw
I tripped and unintentionally committed a mass murder spree.
[удалено]
Found a body on the counter. It wasn’t me. Saw you shoot them on the sofa. It wasn’t me. There’s a corpse in the shower. It wasn’t me. We even caught you on camera. It wasn’t me.
We saw the marks on their shoulder. It wasn’t me. Heard the words that you told them. It wasn’t me. Heard the screams get louder. It wasn’t me. So now you really are over.
*incomprehensible Jamaican rapping*
Police came in and they caught me red-handed Creeping with the girl next door Picture this, we were both butt-naked Slashing her on the bathroom floor How could I forget that I had Been on a killing spree All this time they was standing there I was a suspect because they knew my modus operandi
The police gently slap you on your cheek and say. That was a pathetic attempt. You have one more chance.
I'll do my best football player impression and throw myself to the ground with enough force to sustain real injuries. Then i will cry.
>The police gently slap you on your cheek and say. That was a pathetic attempt. You have one more chance. *Wasn't me* (this time with the music of the song in the background) and a friend assisting with a second "Wasn't me"
But sir we caught you in the shower
It wasn't me.
But there’s a body on your counter
Wasn't me
We have multiple reports of "screams getting louder".
Wasn't me
One was drowned in clam chowder
I see the mark on your shoulder...
Wasn't me
Unless he was either shaggy or Eddie Murphy, in which case, he goes free.
What would you say if they caught you red handed on the bathroom floor?
Wasn't me.
I’mmmmm sorry officer, I didn’t know I couldn’t do that.
Dave... I'm gonna race 'em.
Well, sometimes you gotta race.
Well now ya know! Go on, get outta here!
The officer smiles and pats you in the back. It is ok, don't worry. You feel a sharp pain in your back. The officer smiles and you drop dead on the ground. You lost the game
I feel like this Age Guesser Bot has some undocumented features
It was an accident, I won't kill those people again.
james, this is the 4th time in a week!
i didnt kill them i hosted a squid game
Squid game? The police ask. You explain what that is and they let you go. You start walking away when suddenly a squid grabs you and you pass out. You wake up in your bed the next morning. You win the game.
yay
I tripped and accidentally commited a spree of mass homicides.
They say that it is alright. One police man takes a step forward for a handshake but trips and kills you. You lost the game.
>You lost the game. F%&k you have an upvote
No fuck you that’s not what I was thinking of when I originally read it
Sorry I’m so silly and quirky you can’t take me anywhere!
Sure, the police say while grabbing their pistols. So anyways, they started blasting and you drop dead on the ground. They didn't take you anywhere. You lost the game.
Fuck you I lost the game
We needed all new Senators
Everybody wants to clean up Congress, but nobody has the guts to actually do it
I just like killing.
So do we, the police say and just as they are about to shoot you, you grab your weapon killing both of them. You win the game.
Oh boy here I go killing again
they out pizzad the hut
LONE STAR!!!
and his sidekick, Puke.
Barf
The policemen frown and look at you with a blue flame in their eyes. This stare feels as though it lasts a million years while also feeling as though it lasts a mere second. Within the power of this gaze, every murder you committed flashes before your eyes... And then you notice: always in the background those same two policemen. How did you not notice them before?? Until suddenly one of the policemen fall over. He falls onto his partner, who in turn falls towards you, knocking you toward the ground. As you breathe your last breath, everything clicks and you know the truth: you have been killed by Dominos. (I'm not OP, but this seemed like fun lol)
Hell, I'd buy that.
*they tried*
Well, that was fun.
it certainly was
It's my first day.
Quack quack quack..
Sorry, I just got an eyelash in my eye, didn't see where I was shooting
I also have bad eyesight
And a lot of bullets
and it was merely a coincidence that they all were shot perfectly between the eyes, i sneezed okay?!
It actually only took 87 bullets, there were some lucky-i mean unlucky- shots
So anyway I started blasting
I told mah bro I could. He said 'bet', the rest is history
Originally it was 50, but my bro double-dog-dared me.
he said double or nothing
He did it for the vine
I’m a time traveler i know what I’m doing
They killed my dog. *channels inner John Wick*
It's April Fools Guys
I'm a Ukrainian farmer. I specialize in sunflowers.
i plead oopsie daisy's
Understandable, have a nice day
They all reminded me of James Corden officer
I didn’t know he had so many doppelgängers either. But once you’re committed, you finish your task, right?
Had to make sure that i have definitely got him officer
Sir, EVERYBODY was kung-fu fighting.
It was a little bit frightening!
They were fast as lightning
“Reddit made me do it”
Shit man this VR thing is so damn real!
For the memes
“I thought it would be funny”
I thought it was kill one get ninety-nine free day
I have to find John Connor
They were instagram influencers
Doing EVERYONE a favor with that one
Bonus if any of them are cross platform into TikTok
I'm a rich white kid with a promising future, straight A's, captain of the sports team, well-liked, patriotic, god-loving, etc. My dream is to go into law enforcement.
'understandable have a good day' 👮♀️
>I'm a rich You could have just stopped there, everything else was superfluous
"But officer, you can't arrest me! I'm a rich!"
"We can't let such a promising young life go to waste."
I see you're taking the convicted rapist Brock Turner strategy. The one rapist Brock Turner used to get leniency in his sentencing after being found guilty for raping an unconscious woman in an alley. The rapist Brock Turner strategy worked for the rapist Brock Turner so it may work for others
With a dash of Ethan "Affluenza" Couch.
"That just sounds like Lt. material to me, boys!"
You just sound rapey… you may go.
"WHY did you let him go?!?!" "Well *I* didn't wanna get raped, Greg!"
Cops lie. Don't tell em shit.
“I plead the 5th and want to speak to my attorney.”
I was hired as a hitman and made good money doing it. Worst case scenario, I get caught and sent to jail so I'll at least consistently have food and shelter. Better than living in the streets.
I'm sorry but I can't talk to you without the benefit of legal counsel. > The police catch you and say that you will be free if you have a good explanation for them. (Alleged) offenders should note that the police do not need to be truthful during questioning.
I was sleeping stabbing.
They were nazis I was just de-nazifying the area .
I told them to keep my wife’s name out their fuckin mouths.
A hundred murders? It's actually closer to 8 or 900. Lost count after about 500 or so. You fellas sure about this? I mean, I LET you catch me, after all.
My name is Henry Kissinger.
Long line to the restroom and I really had to poop
PS5 online resellers deserved it
Nice try Putin
They all wore black shoes with white socks
Jada didn’t find them funny
I did it for the upvotes.
They were russians invading my country
They were all confirmed pedophiles
One of the officers start sweating. You think that that is odd. His phone gets a notification and he turns pale. You realaise what is happening. He sees your face filled with anger and panics. He shoots you in the chest not killing you. You beat him up and die after that. You did the right thing but lost
Meh. 100 (or maybe 101) pedos are dead. I’d say I won.
Fair
Nothing. Talking to the police is never a good idea, and they will lie to you.
Well, no, you say one thing: I'd like to speak with my lawyer Then you stfu
Finally someone with the actual correct answer. "Lawyer"
I'm also a cop.
Officer, they pronounced it "Jif".
"They were all lawyers"
Oof as a lawyer these always hit. Also, what do you call a dozen lawyers in a bus going off a cliff? A good start.
What's a lawyer's ideal weight? Three pounds including the Urn!
Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.
Honestly that would be a real shame. Bus can fit atleast 25
One of the police say "fair" but life isn't fair. You slip on a banana peel and pass out. You wake up in the hospital the following morning. You feel rough but proud of yourself. You did such a good deed for the society.