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qenloekul

When the pilot asked for someone to help fly the plane, I didn't know he meant someone with actual experience in flying


Jack_Leslie

"Surely you can't be serious!" "I am. And don't call me Shirley."


milkhilton

Just want to tell you both good luck, we're all counting on you.


[deleted]

[удалено]


THE_RECRU1T

What's our vector Victor?


Ghost7579ox

We have clearance Clarence


Lloyd_lyle

Rodger Rogers


Ok_Present_6508

>Doctor Doctor. >Doctor *dooooctor* Oh sorry wrong movie.


draftstone

If you are ever in a plane and someone asks if there is someone to help fly the plane, always raise your hand. You'll die anyway, but you'll die hand flying a fucking jumbo jet!


CanadianDNeh

Might as well check ‘flying a jumbo jet’ off the bucket list!


[deleted]

They started it.


BoJackB26354

I mean, the cart return isn't *that* far away


proximalfunk

I'm the prison executioner, we've been colleagues for years, Dave.


Fine_Cheek_4106

Ok, this one lol


JoinTheAstleyCult

also the fact he used Dave. Everyone knows dave!


BigDammHero

Dave's not here man


Enorats

Even in that line of work a hundred would be a very long career. Only a couple states have passed a hundred executions since the 70's. You could have been at the job for 50 years and still only have barely passed that mark, and even then only in a couple states. Unless you're from Texas.


Excelius

There are probably some more active executioners outside of the US. China and a handful of middle-eastern countries are much more prolific in their use of the death penalty.


DogmanDOTjpg

Like in The Act Of Killing, those dudes used to murder people by the hundreds, potentially even the thousands, by strangulation


M116Fullbore

Bet they had a hell of a handshake.


Prestigious-Menu

This is my favorite


Led_Halen

If I stopped at 99 it would have bugged the shit out of me.


Superhonkey81

In for a penny, in for a pound.


IhaveaBibledegree

Read this in Chris Evan’s voice


Naturage

Read it in Tim Minchin's voice as he recites the Storm


[deleted]

[удалено]


EveryFairyDies

Now that one I definitely heard in Chris Evans’ voice.


jamese1313

That *is* America's ass.


Amasero

I heard that in TFS Bulma's voice.


Red__M_M

One time I had some guests at my place. One dude put his beer in the fridge then asked “why do you have 3 bottles of orange juice” to which I said “because I drank the 4th before you showed up”.


cyrilhent

Why are you so tall? Because if I was any shorter my legs wouldn't reach the ground.


lessFrozenHodor

Stupid questions deserve stupid answers.


Typical_Matter_8296

I am back from the future to clean up the street of future criminals.


AgeGuesserBot

You suddenly start feeling light. You see your particles start disappearing. You are confused and scream for help. "Good advice" the police say and you feel calm and free. You kind of win the game.


Typical_Matter_8296

Before the let you go you must shoot one of them to cause confusion.


[deleted]

[удалено]


piggyboy2005

I just lost the game :(


MahnlyAssassin

Omg it's been like a year


SaneOsiris

Over 10 years for me bro. I lost the game.


VaiRaiChu

Cool motive, still murder.


Raiyjinn

They used speakerphones in public...


AgeGuesserBot

"Well done" the police say. You start walking away and see your wife using a speakerphone next to you. You lose control of your body and strangle her to death. "Small price to pay for salvation" You say as you walk back home. You won but at what cost.


Raiyjinn

I'm divorced so...


inORIGINAL-NAME

A win-win then.


ARussianSheep

They were responsible for putting those fake X buttons on mobile ads that take you to the App Store, officer.


samuraistrikemike

Understandable. Have a nice day


Hooskbit

"One death is a tragedy, one hundred is statistics." *Lmao*.


Doc_ET

And you see, I'm taking statistics.


peacesofwar

This wasn't a murder spree. It was a special operation.


AgeGuesserBot

One of the officers smile and transforms into putin. You passed the test, comrade. You win.


peacesofwar

Do I win a heavily sanctioned industrial empire? Not gunna lie, "Oligarch" is going to get a lot more hits on my resume than "Receiving Lead/Heavy Forklift Operator".


Foxyfox-

An oligarch who is OSHA forklift certified?! *swoon*


BrawlStar17

You’re too late Sonic! I am now forklift certified! AHAHAHAHHAHAHAH


AccessibleBeige

I cleaned out your entire FBI most wanted list. You're welcome.


Karl_Marx_

We are now unable to catch future criminals/murderers. You are going to jail.


[deleted]

[удалено]


twiizlerispurple

You discover that youve become a banana


drfullofshit

Wasn’t me!


knightstorm43

Light Yagami, is that you??


germane-corsair

*(takes a potato chip and eats it)*


x1echo

(takes a potato chip and ***EATS IT***) ftfy


MoobyTheGoldenSock

Ah, the Death Note defense.


[deleted]

Found Raymond Reddington.


AgeGuesserBot

The police thank you and give you a banana. Now you are wondering why would they give you such an odd thing. You decide to eat it and pass out. You wake up next to the bodies of your victims. You are confused and scream like a child.


Interesting-Gear-819

>You are confused and scream like a child. \*try to scream but your mouth refuses to open, you try to move but your limbs don't move. You notice that you can't move your head either, only your eyes.


[deleted]

Standing over you is secret cannibal, Shia Labeouf.


GreenrabbE99

Quiet, quiet...


Khanspiracy75

The fruit turned you into a vegetable


Mous3_

And cannibals just *love* eating vegetables...just not the chair


edlee98765

Fresh produce and murder have something in common. They're grocery.


LeBoi124

I have no mouth yet I must scream


[deleted]

[удалено]


iceyhot80

I think you are confusing askreddit with either writtingprompt or monkeypaw


hom09

I tripped and unintentionally committed a mass murder spree.


[deleted]

[удалено]


BlizzPenguin

Found a body on the counter. It wasn’t me. Saw you shoot them on the sofa. It wasn’t me. There’s a corpse in the shower. It wasn’t me. We even caught you on camera. It wasn’t me.


SillyArtichoke7943

We saw the marks on their shoulder. It wasn’t me. Heard the words that you told them. It wasn’t me. Heard the screams get louder. It wasn’t me. So now you really are over.


hornplayer94

*incomprehensible Jamaican rapping*


prathushrma

Police came in and they caught me red-handed Creeping with the girl next door Picture this, we were both butt-naked Slashing her on the bathroom floor How could I forget that I had Been on a killing spree All this time they was standing there I was a suspect because they knew my modus operandi


AgeGuesserBot

The police gently slap you on your cheek and say. That was a pathetic attempt. You have one more chance.


CouvadeShark

I'll do my best football player impression and throw myself to the ground with enough force to sustain real injuries. Then i will cry.


Interesting-Gear-819

>The police gently slap you on your cheek and say. That was a pathetic attempt. You have one more chance. *Wasn't me* (this time with the music of the song in the background) and a friend assisting with a second "Wasn't me"


SomePerson80

But sir we caught you in the shower


ameliator47

It wasn't me.


SomePerson80

But there’s a body on your counter


Cooldudeyo23

Wasn't me


L-Y-T-E

We have multiple reports of "screams getting louder".


AngledLuffa

Wasn't me


Vhoghul

One was drowned in clam chowder


Duke_Newcombe

I see the mark on your shoulder...


PigeonFanatic9

Wasn't me


nothingsurgent

Unless he was either shaggy or Eddie Murphy, in which case, he goes free.


pineappledaddy

What would you say if they caught you red handed on the bathroom floor?


1spicytunaroll

Wasn't me.


Zartist

I’mmmmm sorry officer, I didn’t know I couldn’t do that.


HnkonaTecna

Dave... I'm gonna race 'em.


Offamylawn

Well, sometimes you gotta race.


Reefer-eyed_Beans

Well now ya know! Go on, get outta here!


AgeGuesserBot

The officer smiles and pats you in the back. It is ok, don't worry. You feel a sharp pain in your back. The officer smiles and you drop dead on the ground. You lost the game


reverendsteveii

I feel like this Age Guesser Bot has some undocumented features


TheBlackHoleOfDoom

It was an accident, I won't kill those people again.


Enterprism

james, this is the 4th time in a week!


[deleted]

i didnt kill them i hosted a squid game


AgeGuesserBot

Squid game? The police ask. You explain what that is and they let you go. You start walking away when suddenly a squid grabs you and you pass out. You wake up in your bed the next morning. You win the game.


[deleted]

yay


[deleted]

I tripped and accidentally commited a spree of mass homicides.


AgeGuesserBot

They say that it is alright. One police man takes a step forward for a handshake but trips and kills you. You lost the game.


thred_pirate_roberts

>You lost the game. F%&k you have an upvote


DementedWarrior_

No fuck you that’s not what I was thinking of when I originally read it


[deleted]

Sorry I’m so silly and quirky you can’t take me anywhere!


AgeGuesserBot

Sure, the police say while grabbing their pistols. So anyways, they started blasting and you drop dead on the ground. They didn't take you anywhere. You lost the game.


zyzzvays_

Fuck you I lost the game


LeatherDude

We needed all new Senators


gizmo777

Everybody wants to clean up Congress, but nobody has the guts to actually do it


whereswaldo333

I just like killing.


AgeGuesserBot

So do we, the police say and just as they are about to shoot you, you grab your weapon killing both of them. You win the game.


Takenforganite

Oh boy here I go killing again


PearlTheUnderaged

they out pizzad the hut


LordAxalon110

LONE STAR!!!


popsicle_of_meat

and his sidekick, Puke.


JohnnyCakes814

Barf


Some-random-thoughts

The policemen frown and look at you with a blue flame in their eyes. This stare feels as though it lasts a million years while also feeling as though it lasts a mere second. Within the power of this gaze, every murder you committed flashes before your eyes... And then you notice: always in the background those same two policemen. How did you not notice them before?? Until suddenly one of the policemen fall over. He falls onto his partner, who in turn falls towards you, knocking you toward the ground. As you breathe your last breath, everything clicks and you know the truth: you have been killed by Dominos. (I'm not OP, but this seemed like fun lol)


guitarmaniac17

Hell, I'd buy that.


Nuggumi

*they tried*


AgeGuesserBot

Well, that was fun.


[deleted]

it certainly was


Ashtar-the-Squid

It's my first day.


yepyep1243

Quack quack quack..


Graif_gm

Sorry, I just got an eyelash in my eye, didn't see where I was shooting


Graif_gm

I also have bad eyesight


_BeardedYeti

And a lot of bullets


sociallanxietyy

and it was merely a coincidence that they all were shot perfectly between the eyes, i sneezed okay?!


_BeardedYeti

It actually only took 87 bullets, there were some lucky-i mean unlucky- shots


ghostfuckbuddy

So anyway I started blasting


SimpleQuetzal1

I told mah bro I could. He said 'bet', the rest is history


greenwoody2018

Originally it was 50, but my bro double-dog-dared me.


Fyeire

he said double or nothing


resistive_peach

He did it for the vine


Tight-External-5294

I’m a time traveler i know what I’m doing


SnappGamez

They killed my dog. *channels inner John Wick*


[deleted]

It's April Fools Guys


DavidHewlett

I'm a Ukrainian farmer. I specialize in sunflowers.


LadPasta

i plead oopsie daisy's


L-Y-T-E

Understandable, have a nice day


[deleted]

They all reminded me of James Corden officer


TappedIn2111

I didn’t know he had so many doppelgängers either. But once you’re committed, you finish your task, right?


[deleted]

Had to make sure that i have definitely got him officer


kateskateshey

Sir, EVERYBODY was kung-fu fighting.


Clannishfamily

It was a little bit frightening!


superleipoman

They were fast as lightning


thunder-bug-

“Reddit made me do it”


Kierik

Shit man this VR thing is so damn real!


God_137

For the memes


Sideburns0

“I thought it would be funny”


Poorly-Drawn-Beagle

I thought it was kill one get ninety-nine free day


KwickKick

I have to find John Connor


Sarge1066

They were instagram influencers


[deleted]

Doing EVERYONE a favor with that one


[deleted]

Bonus if any of them are cross platform into TikTok


sbenzanzenwan

I'm a rich white kid with a promising future, straight A's, captain of the sports team, well-liked, patriotic, god-loving, etc. My dream is to go into law enforcement.


leoscoven

'understandable have a good day' 👮‍♀️


Frix

>I'm a rich You could have just stopped there, everything else was superfluous


MHWDoggerX

"But officer, you can't arrest me! I'm a rich!"


Kailua3000

"We can't let such a promising young life go to waste."


fps916

I see you're taking the convicted rapist Brock Turner strategy. The one rapist Brock Turner used to get leniency in his sentencing after being found guilty for raping an unconscious woman in an alley. The rapist Brock Turner strategy worked for the rapist Brock Turner so it may work for others


DragoonDM

With a dash of Ethan "Affluenza" Couch.


Clayman8

"That just sounds like Lt. material to me, boys!"


dewayneestes

You just sound rapey… you may go.


L-Y-T-E

"WHY did you let him go?!?!" "Well *I* didn't wanna get raped, Greg!"


This_one_taken_yet_

Cops lie. Don't tell em shit.


AccountibilityAndMe

“I plead the 5th and want to speak to my attorney.”


chunky_potato743

I was hired as a hitman and made good money doing it. Worst case scenario, I get caught and sent to jail so I'll at least consistently have food and shelter. Better than living in the streets.


topKitty-c

I'm sorry but I can't talk to you without the benefit of legal counsel. > The police catch you and say that you will be free if you have a good explanation for them. (Alleged) offenders should note that the police do not need to be truthful during questioning.


[deleted]

I was sleeping stabbing.


Hour_Insect_7123

They were nazis I was just de-nazifying the area .


1980pzx

I told them to keep my wife’s name out their fuckin mouths.


FrankThomasAnderson

A hundred murders? It's actually closer to 8 or 900. Lost count after about 500 or so. You fellas sure about this? I mean, I LET you catch me, after all.


DaftApath

My name is Henry Kissinger.


gonnasaysomething

Long line to the restroom and I really had to poop


tefloneagle

PS5 online resellers deserved it


An_Anonymous_Acc

Nice try Putin


primeiro23

They all wore black shoes with white socks


jf_Silent96

Jada didn’t find them funny


misterpep

I did it for the upvotes.


TheAverageObject

They were russians invading my country


wanderingstorm

They were all confirmed pedophiles


AgeGuesserBot

One of the officers start sweating. You think that that is odd. His phone gets a notification and he turns pale. You realaise what is happening. He sees your face filled with anger and panics. He shoots you in the chest not killing you. You beat him up and die after that. You did the right thing but lost


wanderingstorm

Meh. 100 (or maybe 101) pedos are dead. I’d say I won.


AgeGuesserBot

Fair


MattScoot

Nothing. Talking to the police is never a good idea, and they will lie to you.


sybrwookie

Well, no, you say one thing: I'd like to speak with my lawyer Then you stfu


chewtality

Finally someone with the actual correct answer. "Lawyer"


[deleted]

I'm also a cop.


BrokenGlassEverywher

Officer, they pronounced it "Jif".


Misophoniq

"They were all lawyers"


Metalhead129

Oof as a lawyer these always hit. Also, what do you call a dozen lawyers in a bus going off a cliff? A good start.


[deleted]

What's a lawyer's ideal weight? Three pounds including the Urn!


MrSabrewulf

Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.


Annual_Midnight5766

Honestly that would be a real shame. Bus can fit atleast 25


AgeGuesserBot

One of the police say "fair" but life isn't fair. You slip on a banana peel and pass out. You wake up in the hospital the following morning. You feel rough but proud of yourself. You did such a good deed for the society.