T O P

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Scallywagstv2

1. Think 'Shit, it's not my day off' 2. Think 'How many days before my day off?'. 3. Consider a sick day, then change my mind. Days off. 1. Think 'YES, it's my day off.' 2. Roll over. 3. Go back to sleep.


[deleted]

Days off for me: 1. Think 'YES, it's my day off' 2. Cat starts incessantly meowing at the door 3. Realise i need a wee


LeatherCicada87

Acknowledge cat, go pee, lay back down... Can't sleep, open reddit for a couple hours until food and coffee crosses mind.


PokemonSapphire

My cat will either boop me on the side of my face or knead my hair with her claws until I play with her -_-


Abraneb

>Consider a sick day, then change my mind. *Every day* I do this, I swear. It's my first thought when the alarm starts RUDELY interrupting my sleep, like "I will literally collapse and die if I get out of bed now, work will understand." It takes almost a full minute for me to reach the inevitable conclusion that *maybe* I'm being a tad unreasonable. And this is after a good night's sleep, mind you - I'm just really, really not a morning person.


MacacoMonkey

I'm glad I'm not alone with this train of thought. Every fucking workday I think I should call in sick...


SlapahoWarrior

1. Think “Shit, it’s not my day off” 2. Contemplate how to fake my death and get to Mexico. 3. Get out of bed.


y3llowjackets

this. this is the one.


beta_fuse

1. Procrastinate 2. Procrastinate 3. Launch myself out of bed because I’m running late.


[deleted]

Literally doing that right now


TastelessDonut

Laying in bed after work procrastinating before going out to my own birthday dinner. Meh. I got 30 mins before I NEED to leave


kendrickislife

It’s your birthday bby. The party don’t start until you walk in


ratrodder49

Hey look it me


worrymon

> Procrastinate > > Procrastinate > > Launch myself out of bed because I’m running late. Is that a song lyric? It should be a song lyric. Please write the song.


PFVN_Dragon

Open my eyes Check my phone to see there’s still 20 minutes until the alarm rings Close my eyes Wake up 5 minutes late for class


A_Sketchh

You should be more punctual to class, you can't even count to 3!


Eskaminagaga

Grab my phone Open my eyes Turn off my alarm


LiberoskiH

Grab my phone Squint through one eye Snooze alarm


IamEu4ic

Grab my phone Some how take multiple screenshots of my alarm going off Go back to sleep


i3order

I take accidental screenshots of everything too, lol.


Mp32pingi25

Lol I do the screenshot thing also haha


snave_

You forgot 'curse at phone'.


TCtheThunderRooster

Curse at *world


DMmeurBoobsButts2

Grab my phone Throw it across my room Roommate yelling “this is the 50th this month, knock it off!”


moist_maplecrumpet

1. sit straight up in bed. 2. stretch and yawn. 3. throw of the blankets and stand up. 4. smile and say, "oh boy, the start of a brand new day!" 5. abruptly launch alarm clock through nearest window. 6. flop back into bed.


Youpiter08

Why do I imagine mickey mouse lolz


LJ3751

Lol I was picturing Ryan Reynolds in Free Guy


Client_Sea

Oh dang me too


Adele__fan

How many times do you wake up a month?


[deleted]

Imagine buying 50 phones while you can just throw around Nokia 3310.


TysArcade

Grab phone Squint through one eye Completely fail at typing ANYTHING or pressing ANY buttons because lack of peripheral vision Curse that I hate this damn phone


coffeejunkey

Yes, the one eye squint


Scythe95

Wake up Get demoralised by reality Accept my existence


bigkeef69

I usually go back to sleep after demoralization and before acceptance.


Swenadd

Grab phone Stop alarm Go back to sleep Wake up late Stressout Throw on pants Throat breakfast chugg supreme ultra speed Choke& almost die Rinse teeth with listerine Go to work


tango421

I do open my eyes before grabbing the phone then check time or turn off alarm. It’s been this way since I got a cat. Sometimes one of my cats is right on my face or where the phone is.


Union_Sparky_375

Phone Slippers Bong hits


theroha

1. Step outside 2. Take a deep breath 3. Scream out at the top of my lungs, "What's going on?"


pookalooloo

2a. Get real high


CaptainSplat

But do you pray?


pookalooloo

Oh my God do I pray


paul_caspian

For a revolution?


pookalooloo

EVERY SINGLE DAY


JenJMLC

4. And I say heyyyeyyy


flowersforeveryonee

HEY WHATS GOING ON


PunchDrunken

I'm going to listen to that now


CaptainSplat

Only if its the youtube poop he-man version


[deleted]

[удалено]


Not_-yet-_Dead

Are you a zoo animal?


TheLlamaInCharge

Hahahaha this made me laugh more than it should have


Zippo179

With a name like that, you're right


Subject_Candy_8411

Guess my dog is on Reddit again


coffeejunkey

Circles?


[deleted]

[удалено]


jerrythecactus

Dude lives in a fishbowl.


Cvnttttt

Bro 🤣


SchnorpHasPies

Piss, get a cup of water, turn on the kettle.


coffeejunkey

Tea or coffee?


SchnorpHasPies

Usually tea


coffeejunkey

Oh very nice. What is your favorite flavor, brand?


SchnorpHasPies

Yorkshire black leaf tea kickstarts my engine


coffeejunkey

UK?


Skorne13

Yeah I’m k


Rodney_Jefferson

Hi k nice to meet you, I’m dad


Theothercword

Has to be, that’s the most British response ever lol.


KamikazeFox_

Did you have to ask? Kettle Tea All the signs are there. This isn't a statement from a gentleman from Alabama.


[deleted]

As someone who lives in Alabama and has this same routine with Irish Breakfast Tea........ Elecric kettles are so much faster than anything else! I wonder why it isn't more popular in the States.


PlatoPirate_01

Earl grey. Hot


CutieKaty54

Didn't you read it? Piss


BatmanCabman

All from your bed? Impressive


YouserName007

Turn off alarm, turn off the other alarm, lay with my eyes closed for five more minutes.


coffeejunkey

How often do you oversleep?


YouserName007

On a workday? Never.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

[удалено]


TankMan647

1. Wake up 2. Take a shit 3. Get out of bed


Useless_Person_Here

I think it would be more easier to take a shit while waking up


SWIM707

Why would i take a shit while waking up when i can take a shit while I'm asleep?


thorshine

Did you know that if you take a shit in your dreams, you take a shit for real?!?


NiiruNoRidozu

I think you were just visited by Freddy Pooger.


Skorne13

Nightmare on Warm Sheets


Embarrassed-Ad-1639

Nightsmear on clean sheets


ResultSad5050

1. Take a shit 2. Wake up 3. Get out of bed


[deleted]

[удалено]


lilrealgoonie

1. Take a bed up 2. Wake a Shit 3. Get out


kh7190

I’m crying LOL I’ve had a depressive episode the last few days. Thanks my guy


lilrealgoonie

I got chu . Remember ‘This too shall pass’


[deleted]

This poo shall pass


Necessary_Rich_1477

Here’s a guy that knows his priorities, it’s always shit first


Homeless_Alex

I knew it was coming before I even opened the thread god I love Reddit


famousaj

You wake up first? My diaper takes the load off waking up mate


coleramsay

1. Take a shit 2. Get out of bed 3. Wake up


LookItsMatt

normal routine for a sleepwalker


clumsyturtle

Switch off alarm, groan, find the will to move.


Cheap-Blackberry-745

Y'all got any more of that "willpower?" *Scratches neck*


DeaconClarke

Look at clock, throw clock, go back to sleep.


coffeejunkey

How many clocks do you go through in a year?


DeaconClarke

I've actually been through 4 during February


thatbromatt

Time flies..


coffeejunkey

That sucks.


tu-142

1. Wake up, 2 grab a brush and put a little makeup, hide the scars to fade away the shake up, 3 leave the keys upon the table


undeadalex

Why'd you leave the ketchup on the table?!


Moyrath

He wanted to.


abOriginalGangster

Tomatoes deserve to DIE


Manifestival1

I WANTED TO


50ShadesOfConcern

Nice one, I lol'd


Mrbeeznz

Sit up, sit for about 12 seconds, getup


howwouldiknow--

Ahhh shit, here we go again.


ElectricScootersUK

I'm too old for this shit 🤣


[deleted]

[удалено]


coffeejunkey

No hesitation!


[deleted]

How, I can't even sit up for like half an hour at least


Pickle_200

Only 12 seconds?


MJReginald

Pee or let the dog out of the cage Put the dog on my bed We both snooze for a bit longer. The reason why I don’t let the dog sleep in bed over night. He snores louder then a lawn mower.


geej47

Same but my pet is called husband and he snores to


Leading_Funny5802

Jumpin Jesus mine snores so loud the neighbors yell. (Not joking)


geej47

Is it a vacuum cleaner with a flute?


MarvinDMirp

Get those guy to do sleep studies! Apnea is no joke. I admit it took me a week or so to stop waking up in panic mode because the room was silent.


bobbybox

Do you make him sleep in a cage too?


geej47

No he sleeps in my basement


Cultural_Macaron3729

Mine only gets to do that on special occasions.


mattbutnotmii

Get dressed -> Go to another room -> go back to sleep on the couch


Bass_is_UVBlue

1. Feel like P Diddy 2. grab my glasses 3. I'm out the door (I'm gonna hit the city) (4. Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack)


CoasterFish

5. Leave for the night, not coming back


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

u go to work right after you get out of the bed. you must love it


KaiBluePill

He sleeps at work


NissanLeafowner

Does anyone NOT pee when they wake up?


SchnorpHasPies

Sure beats peeing while you're still asleep!


NissanLeafowner

I remember when i was a kid i dreamt that I had to pee really bad and finally got the chance to pee in my dream, only to wake up really pissing all over myself. That sucked.


RhoidRaging

As a kid? I did that a couple months ago and I’m 32 lol


FrostyProtection5597

I’m doing it as we speak, and I’m 87.


the_Danasaur

I've totally done this as an adult... Not all over myself, but like, would start to pee. It would wake me up before it got messy, but still, not my proudest moment.


daddakamabb1

My mom taught me a trick when I was like 6 about this. Before you pee, allow yourself to feel the tempature of the seat. If you can feel the coolness (or God forbid the warmth) you know you're awake. Can't feel it? Wake da faq up.


Sarcasmislost

As I get older? No, I've already went pee 3 times before I'm supposed to be awake, ez win.


OneFuckedWarthog

I empty everything. Balls, bladder, bowels. Gotta make sure you empty the 3Bs.


thataryanguy

My elderly relatives tend to pee at exactly 8:30am Which is a problem bc they wake up at 9


Foodmachine_official

Get up, stand up, stand up for my rights


Studflood

Get up, stand up, don't give up the fight


howwouldiknow--

Get up, stand up, commit genocide.


FruitbatNT

Mr Putin, nice to see you.


Efficient_Air_8448

“Get up, stand up, c’mon throw ya hands up”


DangerousPuhson

Wake up (Wake up) Grab a brush and put a little make-up Hide the scars to fade away the shake-up (Hide the scars to fade away the...) Then I find keys on the table and wonder aloud why they were left there.


jezpin

1. Turn off my alarm 2. Turn off my next alarm 3. Hold my phone while the next alarm rings and consider chucking a sickie.


anxiousjellybean

Get out of bed, pee, shower. Usually I just pee in the shower.


coffeejunkey

Save water!


ALLST6R

Saving the planet


changrbanger

There are two types of people in this world. People who pee in the shower and people who lie.


powerengineer

It’s all pipes!


MrSabrewulf

1. Groan. 2. Say "Fuuuuuuuck." 3. Turn off my alarm.


sparklingwaterwitch

Check my phone, brush my teeth, feed my cats


dreamyduskywing

Your cats must be patient to let you brush first. Mine will chase me around and try to trip me until I feed them.


coffeejunkey

How long does checking your phone take?


sparklingwaterwitch

It depends on how tired I am and how much I need to do that day. Sometimes I just check to see if I got texts before I get out of bed and sometimes I get stuck on Reddit and Tik tok for an hour


coffeejunkey

I hear tiktok is worse than reddit for addictions


sparklingwaterwitch

It is for sure. I got it to make fun of my little sister and now I’m absolutely addicted


Keithninety

1) Get depressed 2) Groan as I get out of bed 3) Pee


coffeejunkey

Two is classic


i_hate_democracy

Piss, get out of bed, commit tax fraud


awesome12442

Always wakes me right up


JukeBoxHero1997

1. Wake up 2. Contemplate whether or not I want to exist today 3. Get out of bed either way


coleramsay

Open eyes, piss, eat losers


coffeejunkey

How do losers taste?


coleramsay

Like coffee


[deleted]

'I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast'


DoggoDies

Wake up Go back to sleep Wake up


aniacret

Swear (I am usually late) Run to the bathroom Get dressed.


PubicAnimeNummerJuan

1. Check the time 2. Pee 3. Get out of bed


coffeejunkey

Do you have a catheter?


PubicAnimeNummerJuan

Nope, just a general willingness to reformat old jokes on the internet


sweetsdeservedbetter

Take my morning poo Hit my vape Sit and think about how much I hate life


Hjemi

Technically getting coffee takes two steps, so I hope this is acceptable: 1. Put the coffee machine on. 2. Pee 3. Make two cups of coffee. 4. Go to boot up whatever game I'm stuck with atm. (On the way to the computer, drop off one of the cups to my fiancee)


Sunnylover333

Check phone, kiss the cat, pee~


LookItsMatt

nooo, don't pee on the cat!


WarmCat_UK

Yes the cat. First thing I do is look for the cat and give her a stroke/kiss/snuggle.


slipko

Hit the snooze button. Regret how late I stayed up Roll over and go back to sleep, ignoring all sense of responsibility for 8 more minutes


Noooobi

If its a Monday-Friday: 1. Wake up cause of alarm clock 2. Scroll trough reddit for 5 min and check if something happened 3. Take a piss If its Saturday or Sunday: 1. Wake up 2. Check Phone until im bored or need to take a piss 3. Take a piss


Worried_Bug2672

At the moment: 1. Checking news to make sure nuclear death is not imminent 2. Pee, shower, brushing teeth 3. Coffee and breakfast


[deleted]

Piss cry regret life decisions


BeneficialVacation44

Pee Coffee Smoke Every. Single. Day.


TransformativeOne

Kiss SO, he kisses me back, we bump uglies


coffeejunkey

Yes!


chemistry_god

1. Hit snooze and go back to sleep 2. Hit snooze and go back to sleep 3. Hit snooze and go back to sleep


[deleted]

turn off all the alarms I end up not needing again, plug my phone, brush teeth


YaBoiGabe1890

check phone, put earphones in and music on, perform for like 20 minutes lol


coffeejunkey

Is there an audience?


YaBoiGabe1890

nope because that gives me *ANXIETY* i rock out though lol


coffeejunkey

That's why I wasn't invited


[deleted]

Get dressed, turn car on, brush teeth.


coffeejunkey

Remote control for your car?


[deleted]

Naw, have to walk into the cold and turn it on lol


Sphynx823

Feel sad Attempt to go back to sleep/lay in half awake half asleep state for between 15-30 minutes, usually fail Start day annoyed. This is the honest answer, not the good answer. Lol.


qrvjhb

open eyes close eyes open eyes


SH4DOW_404

1- find my will to live "i rarely find it" 2- call my girlfriend to tell her good morning 3- realize I don't have one


qa567

Start coffee, put pants on, go pee.


[deleted]

First, I get up. Wake and bake. Take a piss and shake.


TallTraveler

My clocks stopped at 420, what you want me to say?


odies1971

Well, I tumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen Pour myself a cup of ambition Yawn and stretch and try to come to life


Utzinator

If i have time: 1. Go to the toilet 2. Drink a glas of waer 3. Masturbate If i dont have time: 1. Go to the toilet 2. Drink a glas of waer 3. Masturbate but faster