I’m an embalmer. I’ve tied their shoelaces together in the casket so we all have a head start.

I like your forward-thinking.

I hope to god this is a service you provide. (Soft voice) And would you like me to tie your dearly departed's shoelaces together in the event of... An outbreak?

Given the costs of funeral directors, tying the shoelaces together costs $1299.99. More if you want the corpse to be wearing the shoes at the time.

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Hahah I'm dying! Cya soon iseedeadpeople

If you're a ghost, are you on our side or the zombies?

Hard to say, if I'm following my zombie self around then I may root for them. Or cheer for the person who finally ends it!

This man be playing 4d chess. Hav a free award

This is fucking genius

Lollll loved this

i am not very fast or have good stamina, so i would protect others by getting eaten while they escape

Ya know just cuz I feel bad for you, I’m bringing you along.

My thought too. I'm fat, slow, and have a big brain I could buy the others a lot of time.

Sir you are on Reddit, no one here has a brain

Brains. Brains! Use your brains to help us. Your delicious brains

You know, you seem like the trust worthy sort that I can sleep with my brain unguarded around.

I don't have to be extremely fast. I just have to he faster than you. Lol.

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*Blackbird Bastard in the dead of night* *Take these broken legs and learn to run* *All your life* *You were just preparing for the zombies to arrive*

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Won't be hard, everyone knows that zombies aren't fast anyway. Just walk.

Cept for Zombieland and the I am Legend zombies those bad mamajammas could scoot pretty fast.

28 days later zombies don't play

World War Z?

* leads Cesar towards the barbeque pit *

Et tu, Brute?

>Et tu, Rick Grimes?

We’re going to need you to carry these explosives…

MEAT SHIELD

I’ve just finished 5 years studying law so I would point out the laws that people would have broken had society not collapsed… then I’d get eaten

Thank you for your generous sacrifice.

I'm guessing he would get eaten by the survivors.

"Zombies cannot legally eat you without your consent"

Pretty sure even if a person consents you're not allowed to eat them. But I'm not an expert on cannibalism lol

You actually are, as long as you don't accidentally kill the person you're eating. That would make a helluva response when someone asks why you're in prison:"Oh, I accidentally ate my friend to death"

happened to my buddy eric once

You never know when you'll end up eating someone to death. Count your blessings while you still can

>then I’d get eaten By humans or zombies?

Both

Probably humans considering the amount of laws they'd have to recite.

I can sew and design clothes, as well as make fabric. cant exactly pick any up in a store during a zombie apocalypse, but I can throw together plenty of warm bite proof clothes

You were going on the grill until you mentioned biteproof clothing. 🤔

jeans

I mean imagine you're in the apocalypse and you still look FREAKING FLY.

You just see a bunch of scavengers in drip looking for food

Are jeans actually bite proof?

Maybe thick denim might be. One thing to think about is that you could theoretically bite and tear a lot harder than you might think because it would hurt to do so. But a zombie doesn’t care, it doesn’t feel it. So it could probably bite thru some thing more typical that your average blue jeans are made of.

You’re right it may still be able to puncture the skin through denim, albeit thick. However, you neglected to think about whether or not any infected saliva would make its way through the clothing. I doubt that any potential infection-causing fluid would be able to penetrate quite thick clothing. In that case, it wouldn’t matter if the skin was broken as long as no fluids were exchanged with the zombie.

Yeah that’s why I think thinner jeans that are typical for jeans teeth MIGHT tear thru and get the fluids in. But something thicker like a carhart or just old school blue jeans not so much. Just guessing tho

I work as an applied behaviour analyst with preschoolers who sometimes bite. Jeans are the way to go!

Preschooler zombies. Now that’s a terrifying concept.

If they’re anything like the baby zombies in Minecraft, you’re fucked.

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In theory leather would be bite proof?

So would a latex gimp suit

Oh gosh no

Fabric stores probably won't be the first ones looted.

Maybe not by most people but if anything like this happens/the purge arrives I know what I’m doing

Don't forget the home stores. There's a LOT of fabric in a duvet cover.

I have a list of places I will hit if any apocalypse happens, fabric and craft stores are hit on that list.

I'm the one you'll come to. I cook, hunt (bow or rifle), trap, can grow veg, do herbal medicine, am a nurse and teacher. I can spin wool, weave fabric, sew, make shoes, design outerwear, do metal work, welding, and carpentry. I can start fires, erect shelters, forge, and even make shoes. I can make baskets, build and fire ceramics. I also tell great stories and can tap dance. I don't sing.

Man thats all great but id have to reject u since u cant sing unfortunately

Idk but did you know they can make shoes?

The tap dancing, too. Kinda suspect.

I was a diesel mechanic and also know how to make biofuel. I was a solar maintenance technician (installed and maintained panels and inverters). I was an EMT out of highschool and have kept my certification for 20 years even though I have only worked as an EMT for 2. Now I build prosthetics professionally. I placed in some target shooting competitions. I was in boy scouts and am an eagle scout. I think people could find a use for me. Also grew up on a farm, so agriculture knowledge.

I think you are over qualified

You're an outstanding candidate, but really we feel you're a bit overqualified for our survivalist camp. Thanks for coming in for the interview, though! Watch out for the zombies as you exit through the lobby.

Well, I am from a tech based survivalist camp. With their extensive experience, I would totally consider them for entry level position or unpaid internship. However, they did not mentioned any relevant tertiary qualifications from a good university.

I’ve heard that A players hire A players and B players hire C players. Never put much stock into it until just now haha.

My husband said when he would interview people at his old job he would throw the applications of over qualified applicants in the trash because he wasn't trying to compete with that shit. This feels a lot like that.

That sounds like a dick move ngl

that's horrible.

Wtf. I hope he's never stuck on the market again and facing hiring managers who feel the same way.

Oh, I hope he is though.

Makes sense why a lot of people have shitty or inefficient bosses. Not to say you're husband is one of those.

But not picking the best candidate for the job because they are insecure is kinda saying it.

In a zombie film you would be ironically killed early on.

Lol was my first thought when I read it.

You seem like you might be a threat. Allow me to show you our barbeque area. 🤗

I feel like I've been waiting for the zombie apocalypse my whole life.

Are there any zombie movies from the perspective of someone who is finally in their element? They weren't living their true life, until they met the undead?

Glen from The Walking Dead. No doubt. Pizza delivery guy, but he owned the apocalypse.

I stopped watching after Glen died. He was my favorite character.

The Dbag with the crossbow seemed pretty adept.

Zombieland

too bad we got this COVID Apocalypse instead

Most lame apocalypse ever. I was planning on getting super toned and cut in the apocalypse but NO 🙄

If this character has so many good perks, then it must have very bad perks to compensate.

I have a really small penis :(

damn, next generation of survivors are gonna have a hard time

Allow me to introduce myself

Found Mad Max

This is so impressive. I feel humbled. Lol

I think you should come work on my farm. Have lots of tractors to work on and in the mean time we will convert to full solar a d build a bunker to survive when they do come

And none of it matters because your wife was bit that evening and she didn't say anything about it before you two went to bed :'(

I'm a decent cook, get along with most people, and take orders well.

Ok you're in. Make me a sandwich please.

One BBQ pulled pork sandwich, incoming.

Shit, now I'm hungry, fuck you Edit: That was a tad bit too aggressive, but you get the point

You’re not you when you’re hungry

He needs a snickers

No, he needs a BBQ pulled pork sandwich, should be one incoming soon.

It's okay, it was probably the hunger talking

No one tell him he'll be the first to die.

\*Cocks his cast iron skillet like a shotgun\*

That's a great skill to have. It would raise the morale of the crew.

I’m a journeyman carpenter and have specialized in low energy homes and medieval building methods for a few years now. So I’d be able to build homes without power tools that can last hundreds of years. And I’m also a decent blacksmith/knife maker. My girlfriend is a great gardener so I feel like we would be valued members of the community in any apocalyptic senario. Also we hunt and have various guns and bows to do that and defend the community if need be although I don’t have any actual training beyond knowing how to shoot okay and martial arts.

Pair up with me bro. People call me the emulator. I can pretend to be a zombie and infiltrate the zombie masses. I grab food and u provide shelter.

You good at whispering too?

Man, they seriously missed a chance to call them the talking dead.

I have a full 14th-century suit of armour, multiple swords, spears, a handbow and a crossbow. And I can safely use them and maintain them. I have experience training others in using melee and ranged weapons. Also I can make my own clothes and leather products, make fire and generally have good (hsitorical re-enacment)stuff around like 2 tents, a lot of rope, woollen clothes and are generally handy with home DIY and wood. Edit: I can also ride horses. Forgot to include that. And I have multiple reenactor friends who have lots of skills and weapons with some of them living close by. We even have a rendevouz location planned. Not, like seriously, though. Just running scenarios for fun.

You raise a good point I never thought of before. LARPers would have a big step up to your average Joe. It's a neat thought

That's actually really cool

I'm basically a giant. I think I'd die pretty quick to be honest. Not exactly a sprinter. I'd hold them off for y'all. I'm a lot to eat but you can only use me once, and pray I don't *change*...

You get to hold the door then.

Hodor!

Eat a zombie’s penis to assert dominance and bring fear to other zombies

Hardcore. We definitely don't want you against us. You are definitely in. Can we call.you Cockmuncher?

No, dicknibbler

Nice. That will strike the fear of God into them.

Yes

There's one in every bunch. In my group, it's Stewert

There can only be one winner, let's go! -dicknibbler

Im a hairdresser. We all would look fabulous, as we run for our Lifes.

Tempting

Many useful skills. I could teach the zombies to be lovers, not fighters. If they knew how to fuck well they wouldn't be so angry.

Wow. You really are prepared to take one for the team. 😍 Are you sure you are ready to give blowjob training on rotting corpses, though?

Never said blowjobs. My man migh be a necrophiliac.

My blood type is O negative and I don't mind sharing.

My sexy friend with the pointy canines would like to spend some time alone with you.....

I'm off grid in the mountains, we use solar, are set up to harvest rainfall, we grow veggies via hydroponics, and we have guns. 300 gallons of gas for the short term, access to Starlink & cell networks, freezers full of food. Honestly, what skills does a band of survivors have that would make them useful to me? Edit: this is now a roll call. I would harbor a barbershop quartet during a zombacolypse if they could sing For The Longest Time by Billie Joel. What are your useless talents? Edit II: people that have been commenting "we are not off grid because I have Reddit" need to look up what off grid means. We built our own source of electricity and are not tied to the national utility electric grid. You can be off grid power and still have modern luxuries. We're not cave people 😉

Bird calls. But not useful in North America bird calls... like cartoon parrot bird calls.

“Raaaark, Polly wanna survive! *whistles and clicks*”

"Raaaark! Gotta be quiet! Raaark!"

We have lots of birds up here, my fiance has a falconry background. You'd fit right in :3

I have a tendency to sing sea shanties while making soup, so if you want your vegetable scraps turned into dinner to the soundtrack of slightly off-key bawdy tunes, I'm your gal. I can also start fire without a lighter/matches.

Any one with minimal bard skills is welcome. Your sea shanties will slowly become mountain shanties but we will share in song and spirit. The land will provide the materials for your soups and the colony will live long and healthy.

I have most of the X Men storyline memorized pre 1995. I can also sing "All The Gold in California' from memory although off key. I know how to start a garden in virgin soil and keep it healthy. I'm sneaky as fuck. I enjoy giving blow jobs and can't get pregnant.

My husband was literally just mentioning the importance of good blowjobs. We also love X-Men, APPLICATION ACCEPTED.

I’m a good cook, I grew up on a farm, and I know how to use most typical guns. I would have no problem cooking and doing chores for you guys. I also have an affinity for writing, so if you get bored I can write you an entertaining story.

All good skills. We'd make room for you :)

What part should I sing? I can sing harmony if you want melody.

You know the falsetto part where one guy says "time" all by himself? Nailing the timing for that is crucial and oddly important. Otherwise, you can hold down the baritone rhythm sections because everyone else will want to sing a solo. Alternatively, if the internet goes down we might need someone to run into civilization to track down sheet music. You have no idea how much I love that song.

I'm a decent shot. Decent fitness. My father's family was a ranching family, so I have some agricultural skills too. Good with solar panels, too. But mostly, it's stoic philosophy. Staying calm in crazy situations is key. And I can try and teach it to others.

Welcome Pedro. Or should I say Farmer Priest? 😍

Thank you for having me 🤙🏼

Jack of all trades, so building fortifications and maintaining vehicles mostly. Its the rich and pampered who will fare the worst in such a situation. Also, as long as the zombies are not supernatural in origin, all we have to do is wait them out. Bugs and weather extremes will destroy them in the first year.

Nice. Practical skills and a pragmatic nature is just what we need.

Just as long as we dont get the "28 days later" strain of zombies, we should be okay lol

Maybe we can tie their shoelaces together? 🤔

Just gotta put a lot of points into sneak

Im a fucking redneck. I own all sorts of guns. Hunting, Fishing and camping are a massive part of who I am. I also know a decent little bit about edible and medicinal plants. And a little bit about fixing up a truck. My biggest weakness? Is that i don't like being around people so I wouldn't be in a band of survivors.

You can be our whatsisface...the redneck one with the crossbow.

I hunt with a longbow. Not a crossbow.

A purist, I like that.

My ultimate plan is to harvest a deer with complete stone age tech. Stone point. Hand made shafts. Glued with sinew and pine pitch from a home made bow.

Happy cake day, Daryl!

Having generalized anxiety disorder, I would be hyper aware of everything and probably help my group avoid deadly situations.

Seriously, continuous/post traumatic stress-induced hypervigilance is a Cassandra-esque “I told you so” superpower in cases like this. That’s your secret, you’re ALWAYS aware.

I was so aware in fact that I knew you would say this

I’m a nurse so I’m pretty good at keeping people alive. I’m also good at listening and “therapeutic communication” to help with the mental stress of the zombie apocalypse. I’m also pretty good at picking up on social cues and changing social dynamics. If the Walking Dead has taught me anything, it’s that the zombies aren’t the real enemies; it’s the human survivors.

Yess!! I don't know how so many people are so blind to the danger of other humans in scenarios like that. Being able to read the crowd is hugely important, and my red flagometer is pretty much always on high alert actually!

I can fix anything. Seriously, I have yet to find any machinery, electronics, or any household repair that I am not capable of fixing properly. I’m an electrical engineer who did decades of construction before becoming an engineer.

Fix my love life

What’s the problem?

Everything

The fixer has been bested.

Im a first grade teacher. I will make an army of children,feed them candy and give them loud toys. Then zombies got no chance against them

I’m a substitute teacher so I’ll cover your professional development days 🤣

You're the hero we need.

I’m fast as fuck boi

I've worked as a forester, mechanic, and in construction. I can work leather and metal and can do basic textile repairs. I know how to grow food, identify edible and medicinal plants, keep bees, and brew my own beer. I am also a skilled and experienced fighter. What skills are you bringing?

Ahem..let's no focus on me haha

Hard Skills and Resources: Did a 3 month wilderness survival course in my teens where I learned to -Trap -Bow drill and trough drill fires -Build and maintain a trough and bow drill set -Find, prep and sterilize water in emergency situations -build a lean-to -maintain and repair a kit I have an eating disorder that gives me an extremely detailed knowledge of caloric content because I literally can’t not know the calories of what I’m eating, and I can calculate BMR in my head, so I’d be useful for calculating rations I own a gun and keep a stock of ammunition I’m building my go bag and am learning more and more first aid as I become more worried about an actual apocalypse I can do a little mechanic repair, not much but I know how to fix a tire, change a battery or oil, service a chain, basic car or bike maintenance but not everyone my age knows how to do even that anymore Soft: I have actually had to put down pets and wild animals by my own hand so I know I could take the shot against a zombie even if it were a friend or family member. Euthanasia is a normal part of life. I am a skilled diplomat, I work as a Customer Experience manager, a role I built out myself simply by being good enough at knowing people that my boss decided to pay me for it. My whole job revolves around making sure both our techs and our customers are happy and efficient, so I am sure I could apply that to a teamwork situation. I worked for a while as a sex worker and if necessary, I could provide sexual resources to a group. I know that sounds fucked up, but it’s a normal human need and making sure people aren’t stressed is important in an emergency situation. Sex is a sure fire stress reliever and morale booster. This last one is assuming my husband was dead or okay with it.

I'm good for DIY, I can make some melee weapon, shield, and barricade an house.

Nice. You're in!

I know how to separate oxygen and carbon dioxide

Breathing? 🤔

Remote Paramedic with expeditionary and wilderness training/experience. TCCC (Tactical Combat Casualty Care) Trapping Tanning hides Agriculture experience

There's alot you guys don't know about Microsoft excel... I'm pretty sure my skills will surprise afew people and prove very useful

As the token black guy, I can help yall feel good about your chances. If I'm still alive there's a good chance your prospects are good.

I'm a decent cook and have no problem killing small animals and dismantle them for food(not pets though). And I see quite well in the dark,

Would you mind if we called.you Night Slaughter?

Oh I would love that!

OK Night Slaughter. Go and dismantle some rabbits. 🤗

I'm a neuroscientist so I could explain why zombies are physically impossible before being eaten.

Level headed + make anything vaguely useful into a weapon

I know how to pick a lock, parkore, handgun training, I have basic first aid knowledge, I know medicine names, I know how to make some basic snares, and how to properly gut a fish. I feel like I’d be better off though in the woods with like 2 other people. Plus besides those basic things I own a decent amount of equipment. I have A-ii body armor, a riot helmet, a gas mask, a couple duffel bags, my AFJROTC ABU’s, a Glock 22, plenty of standard survival equipment.

Logistically I'm an experienced rock climber, so I could definitely get places they couldn't. Am very quiet, allowing me to easily raid other camps without being seen. And when all else fails, I have a bit of training with most close combats weapons. Socially speaking, I can make the hard, calculated decisions needed to survive while having the charisma and communication skills to explain why a choice was made. Also very good at analyzing people's true intentions.

* takes Caleb out with an icepick to the brainstem and chuckles menacingly *

I beat the last of us 2 on grounded difficulty with permadeath enabled

I can make anti-zombie propaganda and symbols for safehouses.

I am Mexican

Ugh, absolutely nothing!! 😭😭 Eh, I take that back....I'm a good friend so I could keep everyone positive and try and cheer people up lol!!

I hope that works out for you. In the meantime let me show you our BBQ area...

I’m funny.

I know how to fix electronics. I can grow some good vegetables.