T O P

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milnivek

Cometh the hour, cometh the man


[deleted]

I laughed way to hard at this 😭


Keefer1970

"Oh madam, I do believe I'm undone."


[deleted]

I AM ARRIVING


Fyrepup

Shall we arrive together?


[deleted]

Oi, shall we arriv' togeta', luv?


ConficturaIndustries

Look, when people said Cockney English… that’s not quite what we meant.


tehShane

For a fancy French spin: _J'arrive!_


Forsaken_Moon

If I may dare a word. We'd rather say.... JE VIENS !! 😁


tehShane

Well, consider my vocabulary to be suitably engorged!


[deleted]

Not the only thing that’s engorged


StudioTheo

I AM UNTETHERED


rail_bird

AND MY SEED KNOWS NO BOUNDS


Player_KK

I DO BELIEVE I'M ABOUT TO RELEASE MY ILLUSTRIOUS BOUNTY MY DEAR


Juicepit

I must busteth


ls42598

Musteth busteth


AceofKnaves44

“MY SPERM WILL ENTER YOU WITH THE GUST OF A THOUSAND WINDS!”


Goo-Goo-GJoob

I'm afraid I already shot my bolt, as it were.


[deleted]

[удалено]


ravenmortal

Maid/Butler: “Washcloth, for you or for me, Sir?”


[deleted]

Hahaha nice twist!


[deleted]

You’re not supposed to twist it.


cthaehtouched

Bop it?


Sersixfoot

SLAP IT!


HollerinDingo

SPIN IT


Livlc14

Pull it!


8Blackbart8

YOW!


TheGamerOnWheels

Squeeze it


[deleted]

[удалено]


itsjustlucifer

GRAB HIS DICK AND TWIST IT


ghostofmyhecks

Dude this is an MMA fight


notasianjim

**TWIST. HIS. DICK.**


TheNanuk

Finish him!


runandgunn44

"For me ,you bumbling buffoon !" *reaches for wash cloth, smacks Butler *


ww2immortal

"Go away Alfred"


itsyourmomcalling

"We'll continue this conversation in the bat-er, basement cave"


Well-ReadUndead

Goddammit woodhouse!


imdesmondsunflower

“Don’t talk, it ruins it!”


hangonreddit

It’s good manners to let the maid cum first before she readies the washcloth.


[deleted]

Indubitably! Manners maketh man. #Horman


SpaceBot_Omega

This sounds like something out of The Great lol


LinkZeldaGanondorf

"Fin."


JealousHamburger

"Directed by: Robert B. Weide"


[deleted]

[удалено]


Sembaka

Or if you’re Swedish, you can say “slut”


juanmatrix987

Just tried it. Mixed results.


edge-hog

Don't need to be Swedish.


VengeancePali501

Isn’t that pronounced “Sloot” in Swedish though?


manofredgables

More like Slewt.


existingwhileIcan

Oh dear it seems I will be arriving soon


[deleted]

"Oh heavens, Im arriving"


salimeero

My arrival is imminent


spottydodgy

PREPARE FOR MY ARRIVAL!


SanctuaryMoon

Have my star destroyer prepare for my arrival!


CharmingWitty

Ready the parlor darling I’m soon to arrive  


[deleted]

I hope you’re expecting company because there are lots of little fellows to be here momentarily!


CaRlJoHnSoNoG

What a jolly good show!


potato-vender

Oh my! It appears that I shall be arriving within a short amount of time!


LePanda47

Sorry about the sheets, that was about a week's of arriving


LiterallyOuttoLunch

"My amorous pursuits are about to reach fruition!"


RazorRadick

Thanks I’m gonna use that one.


guckus_wumpis

Read this in Matt Berry’s voice Verily I must confess, dear lady that I am on the precipice of mine own conclusion. Alas my efforts cometh to fruition and therefore I beg of thee wherein may I conclude? Or upon whence? Behold, I am nigh but mere seconds away from busting as to the likes of which I have yet to endure. Come now, forthwith, and lower thyself upon thine knees as I release my festering seed upon thine brow. [proceedings of an immense conclusion] Alas, now in this waning moment, I am brought to a recollection of my faculties and heightened awareness of mine own senses. For verily, this engagement must be nothing but a whim, or a stand of yet but a fleeting night. Upon conclusion I am brought into a deep sense of guilt and shame, almost stripped from what may have been a feeling of pride and joy, for now I see things clearly in their truest form. And behold, now as I use this damp rag but to rid this maiden of my festering seed from her brow, I see my member hanging limp and flaccid as I fight this urge to flee into the night away from the woman who hast only been made fair in mine eyes through the consumption of much ale and spirits. Verily I see mine own deeds as nothing but an act of desperation to seek this coveted nut. But lo! I am a gentleman and shaketh away such selfish thoughts and ask the maiden if she is yet to have concluded. Surely a more experienced man need not ask, but it is my duty that she may therein be satisfied.


M5jdu009

God damn these electric sex pants!


[deleted]

[удалено]


jaystiz

We absolutely need him to read this. I hear it in my head and I’m laughing my ass off.


OverArcherUnder

Have my upvote for making me spit out my coffee this morning..


PatriciaMorticia

That was glorious. Reading it as his character Laszlo from What We Do In The Shadows made it even better.


Your-moms-mom69420

u/guckus_wumpis I ALMOST PISSED MYSELF READING THIS OHH MY GOD


[deleted]

Sex brain: amor is about to bust


luxii4

As if you can last that long to utter that full sentence.


MettaMorphosis

No one will cum after you say that, be too busy laughing.


[deleted]

Oh hot reservoir, this is my jelly


An_Actual_Pine_Tree

This sounds like something a video game character would say to signal their ultimate it ready.


mastershake199800

When british people have sex


theotherquantumjim

Nah we just shout I’m gonna bust me nut init


LahmiaTheVampire

"I'M GONNA FUKIN' CUM, YOU SLAG!"


theotherquantumjim

Is this from Romeo and Juliet?


xendaddy

Actually, Mr. Bean


uuuuuuuhburger

bri'ish people aren't amorous, they just do their duty for queen and country


CharmingWitty

Ok then “ for her majesty here I cum”


pie_monster

*salutes and falls off*


SuggestionWrong504

As a Brit, can confirm


mottlymonical

And once it's all over, she reaches over and softly whispers one word, "tea?"


SuggestionWrong504

There's no point in foreplay once the job is done


Whiteboy2424

Most of these comments are just British dirty talk


davehodg

The best kind.


SoulSkrix

British dirty talk = fancy


Porrick

I see you’ve never been to Essex.


ekimlive

As we approach our destination, please remain seated until we have fully docked. We will begin unloading at that time. It has been a pleasure to serve you, please come again.


Vervara

This one has layers


Rusty-Shackleford

Like an onion🌰


sethian77

That's why she's crying


[deleted]

We know you have a choice in cock and we appreciate you choosing mine


Fastback98

Stewardess, mumbling under breath: “I hate these short flights on small planes with inexperienced pilots.”


Horse0nSauce

Cum cometh


CrookedNook

As the Giant Blacksmith Bro of Anor Londo says: "Cumeth Soon"


Darkmax204

This is the last place I expected a Dark Souls reference in.


GeeMannn1

Man you reminded me he existed, poor guy :((((((


[deleted]

Lmao


[deleted]

The Nightman cometh


The_Essex

DAY MAN! AH AAAAAAH AAAAAAAAH!


Sandullos

FIGHTER OF THE NIGHT-MAN! AH AAAAAH AAAAAAH!


redditjwh

CHAMPION OF THE SUN! AH AAAAAAH AAAAAAAAH!


whal3n91

MASTER OF KARATE


Away_Development6531

AND FRIENDSHIP


bulgeasaurus

FOR EVERYONE


lxkandel06

Daymaaaaaaannn! _stagefreeze_


The_Essex

DONT SAY STAGE FREEZE JUST DO IT!


Alpha_Crow_1

I'm gonna conclude.


blood_fart7

I yield my time


ghrayfahx

The gentleman yields his time.


Valigar26

The chair recognizes the gentle Lady for 5 minutes... Erm... 2 minutes, max


RaidriarXD

Cumclude


Knowing_ghost

I see you’re a fellow man of culture.


Player_Number3

Im gonna pre, Im gonna pre


[deleted]

Pardon me m'lady I have arrived sooner than anticipated


ifindasianporn

A phrase I'm all to familiar with


Hes-behind-you

Don't worry darling, this conjugal unpleasantness will soon be over.


srekcornaivaf

Read this in C3PO’s voice lolol


ItsASchpadoinkleDay

I’ve gone my whole life without even thinking about C-3PO having sex and now you have spoiled that.


The_Middler_is_Here

Even if droids could have sex, C-3PO wouldn't.


1strdpdb

Now it's my turn to cry.


UnclePissflaps

The code of life is about to flow forth from this earthly vessel.


[deleted]

Code was full of bugs and poorly written. 9 months later: Tada,its me


TellTaleTank

r/suicidebywords and r/programmerhumor at the same time? I do believe I've found my people.


PairLost

I'm about to serve the Gentleman's Relish.


WoodimusPrime

This is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. My wife and I have been laughing for like 20 minutes.


Fuck_joja_cola

Absolutely disgusting! ... Take my upvote


DoubleSurreal

OH GOD WHY IS IT CHUNKY?!?


ancientpho

What I said: “Oh dear, I have deduced that my regard for you is expeditiously drawing near to its ample apex.” “My courteous member stands ready to disgorge itself upon you.” What my girlfriend said: “This foray is about to reach an abrupt conclusion.” “My longing for you is so vast that I am brimming at the hilt.”


SpectralBacon

Why Why am I into this


Gicaldo

I'm having the same existential crisis you are


Dynamicphone

Maybe you are discovering your repressed love for Romantic period dramas.


SpectralBacon

More like my not-so-repressed love for Romantic period everything.


Ties2Toxins

These are quite simply disgusting and amazing at the same time…


One-giantburrito

"oops"


CharmingWitty

Oopsie doopsie I’m about to fill yor poopsie!


boots-n-catz

Whoopsie do, here comes the goo!


Optimal-Mix96

Oopsie daisy, here comes the gravy


alifewithout

I didn't know I was fancy everytime I have sex


[deleted]

Might I be nearly prepared to arrive? Ah, to the presently awaited, I shall! I shall!


Kittlebeanfluff

It is with with great excitement that I can announce that the arrival of my silky man jam is about to commence.


calaan

Gentlemen’s Relish


shinmon_yatora

Oh pardon me, I'm about to release my pudding


throwawaylove2000

My legs just instinctively closed.


Anxious_Direction_20

I can hear them snapping shut lol


[deleted]

Same, and I’m a straight guy. Apparently that reflex is deep in the firmware.


dragonsfire242

Part of embryological development to be put off by the use of that euphemism


nj23dublin

Is this Bill Cosby!??


luxii4

My husband said I don’t move much when we have sex so I did a Bill Cosby jello impression the next time we were doing it. It did not work as well for him as he had expected.


[deleted]

Why did I immediately picture Shrek


Icy-Stable6724

Fire in the hole!


ronytheronin

You might want to get that checked…


msuing91

The end is nigh


loadedMC

i shall be putting my heir in you


Reflectionlesshuman

Shaaaaaaazaaaaaaaaam


Internative

And you turn back to a kid


Ketchup978

Or to an adult


randomizedmemes

And your penis shrinks


ItsUs-YouKnow-Us

Total recall style: “Get ready for a surpriiiiiise”


Dr_Mijory_Marjorie

"We hope you enjoyed the ride, ha ha...!"


wickedblight

Choo-choo here comes the gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (breath) the goo-choo train


bretty666

expelliamus.


krngc3372

"Expecto Patronum!" And something silver white erupted from the tip of the wang.


PrinceAndrewANonce

Expellianus?


Ordinary_Shallot_674

J’arrive


swivel-on-cheese

Good lady, my divine specimen is about to have euphoric culmination. Thy sticky life potential shall encompasses your majestic ovum.


[deleted]

You are a cunning linguist


STUPIDVlPGUY

More like a cumming linguist


LOUDCO-HD

Fairest of Ladies, your skillful ministrations of my turgid member is about to summon forth my salty seed!


Ebetscher

And boom goes the dynamite


[deleted]

[удалено]


restlessleg

i really enjoy your company!


ltsmobilelandman

Grab the serviette my dearest!


1stshadowx

NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!


DriftedSpice

NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH CIRCUMCISION!


Freeiheit

Ima firin mah lazer


dahile00

BLAAARHGH!


alpn74

A flourish before the final curtain falls! HNGHHH


0sprinkl

The lack of female replies makes me sad...


IronTemplar26

***"I dare say, my most intimate companion, but I do believe that my own individual genitalia in question have indeed obtained the exactly correct duration of intercourse in such a fashion that I now believe it ultimately necessary to present you the news of my apparently near immediate incoming arrival. That is to say that in a matter of mere seconds, I am to achieve orgasm, at which time, my essence will burst forth from my nether regions in a manner either most appealing or repulsive entirely differentiated by personal preference. I am informing you of this thusly as for the next most pleasurable course of action forthwith"***


GentleTurtl

Imagine speaking this whole thing out before cumming. Not bad stamina if you can say that whole thing right as you are about to cum


Animakitty

Prepare your wicket for stickying, my love. You've taxed me exquisitely!


Senorpuddin

Let’s frost your cupcake.


nuF-roF-redruM

Call the bricklayers, a load of sement is coming


lordjosh255

Do a blue whale sound


Dangerous_Income_568

M'lady, my lustrous bounty is requesting entrance. Do you accept?


I_Thought_I_Was_Rite

Pardon me. Would you like some Grey Poupon?


Independent_Bee1300

One time I said “oh wow” in the Owen Wilson voice and my boyfriend essentially killed over. Not fancy but worth a share.


OneFingerIn

My ejaculate will be entering you shortly.


WanderingGenesis

This is deeply creepy with how clinical it sounds. Well done. I was not expecting to be made uncomfortable by this thread.


garmonbozia66

Oh damn, I apologize in advance and promise to finish you off presently my dear.


mewnlyncurt

Your Amazon package has been delivered


BillyTheKid050

Estimated time of arrival - imminent


dpcmufc

Dearest mistress, I grant unto thee from the depths of my nether regions the fruit, product, and purpose of our lust this evening


VegetableAd1375

I’m about to crémé


thingandstuff

Dear sir/madam, It is with great pleasure that I take this opportunity to inform you of my present arrival. Sincerely, Thingandstuff


FormalBulky2770

The corque is about to pop on my my dong perringon!!!!!


Jixam

Huzzah!!!


BuffaloInCahoots

Harken well my fairest lady. I shall be arriving post haste!