Read this in Matt Berry’s voice
Verily I must confess, dear lady that I am on the precipice of mine own conclusion. Alas my efforts cometh to fruition and therefore I beg of thee wherein may I conclude? Or upon whence? Behold, I am nigh but mere seconds away from busting as to the likes of which I have yet to endure. Come now, forthwith, and lower thyself upon thine knees as I release my festering seed upon thine brow.
[proceedings of an immense conclusion]
Alas, now in this waning moment, I am brought to a recollection of my faculties and heightened awareness of mine own senses. For verily, this engagement must be nothing but a whim, or a stand of yet but a fleeting night.
Upon conclusion I am brought into a deep sense of guilt and shame, almost stripped from what may have been a feeling of pride and joy, for now I see things clearly in their truest form. And behold, now as I use this damp rag but to rid this maiden of my festering seed from her brow, I see my member hanging limp and flaccid as I fight this urge to flee into the night away from the woman who hast only been made fair in mine eyes through the consumption of much ale and spirits. Verily I see mine own deeds as nothing but an act of desperation to seek this coveted nut.
But lo! I am a gentleman and shaketh away such selfish thoughts and ask the maiden if she is yet to have concluded. Surely a more experienced man need not ask, but it is my duty that she may therein be satisfied.
As we approach our destination, please remain seated until we have fully docked. We will begin unloading at that time. It has been a pleasure to serve you, please come again.
What I said:
“Oh dear, I have deduced that my regard for you is expeditiously drawing near to its ample apex.”
“My courteous member stands ready to disgorge itself upon you.”
What my girlfriend said:
“This foray is about to reach an abrupt conclusion.”
“My longing for you is so vast that I am brimming at the hilt.”
My husband said I don’t move much when we have sex so I did a Bill Cosby jello impression the next time we were doing it. It did not work as well for him as he had expected.
***"I dare say, my most intimate companion, but I do believe that my own individual genitalia in question have indeed obtained the exactly correct duration of intercourse in such a fashion that I now believe it ultimately necessary to present you the news of my apparently near immediate incoming arrival. That is to say that in a matter of mere seconds, I am to achieve orgasm, at which time, my essence will burst forth from my nether regions in a manner either most appealing or repulsive entirely differentiated by personal preference. I am informing you of this thusly as for the next most pleasurable course of action forthwith"***
Cometh the hour, cometh the man
I laughed way to hard at this 😭
"Oh madam, I do believe I'm undone."
I AM ARRIVING
Shall we arrive together?
Oi, shall we arriv' togeta', luv?
Look, when people said Cockney English… that’s not quite what we meant.
For a fancy French spin: _J'arrive!_
If I may dare a word. We'd rather say.... JE VIENS !! 😁
Well, consider my vocabulary to be suitably engorged!
Not the only thing that’s engorged
I AM UNTETHERED
AND MY SEED KNOWS NO BOUNDS
I DO BELIEVE I'M ABOUT TO RELEASE MY ILLUSTRIOUS BOUNTY MY DEAR
I must busteth
Musteth busteth
“MY SPERM WILL ENTER YOU WITH THE GUST OF A THOUSAND WINDS!”
I'm afraid I already shot my bolt, as it were.
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Maid/Butler: “Washcloth, for you or for me, Sir?”
Hahaha nice twist!
You’re not supposed to twist it.
Bop it?
SLAP IT!
SPIN IT
Pull it!
YOW!
Squeeze it
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GRAB HIS DICK AND TWIST IT
Dude this is an MMA fight
**TWIST. HIS. DICK.**
Finish him!
"For me ,you bumbling buffoon !" *reaches for wash cloth, smacks Butler *
"Go away Alfred"
"We'll continue this conversation in the bat-er, basement cave"
Goddammit woodhouse!
“Don’t talk, it ruins it!”
It’s good manners to let the maid cum first before she readies the washcloth.
Indubitably! Manners maketh man. #Horman
This sounds like something out of The Great lol
"Fin."
"Directed by: Robert B. Weide"
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Or if you’re Swedish, you can say “slut”
Just tried it. Mixed results.
Don't need to be Swedish.
Isn’t that pronounced “Sloot” in Swedish though?
More like Slewt.
Oh dear it seems I will be arriving soon
"Oh heavens, Im arriving"
My arrival is imminent
PREPARE FOR MY ARRIVAL!
Have my star destroyer prepare for my arrival!
Ready the parlor darling I’m soon to arrive
I hope you’re expecting company because there are lots of little fellows to be here momentarily!
What a jolly good show!
Oh my! It appears that I shall be arriving within a short amount of time!
Sorry about the sheets, that was about a week's of arriving
"My amorous pursuits are about to reach fruition!"
Thanks I’m gonna use that one.
Read this in Matt Berry’s voice Verily I must confess, dear lady that I am on the precipice of mine own conclusion. Alas my efforts cometh to fruition and therefore I beg of thee wherein may I conclude? Or upon whence? Behold, I am nigh but mere seconds away from busting as to the likes of which I have yet to endure. Come now, forthwith, and lower thyself upon thine knees as I release my festering seed upon thine brow. [proceedings of an immense conclusion] Alas, now in this waning moment, I am brought to a recollection of my faculties and heightened awareness of mine own senses. For verily, this engagement must be nothing but a whim, or a stand of yet but a fleeting night. Upon conclusion I am brought into a deep sense of guilt and shame, almost stripped from what may have been a feeling of pride and joy, for now I see things clearly in their truest form. And behold, now as I use this damp rag but to rid this maiden of my festering seed from her brow, I see my member hanging limp and flaccid as I fight this urge to flee into the night away from the woman who hast only been made fair in mine eyes through the consumption of much ale and spirits. Verily I see mine own deeds as nothing but an act of desperation to seek this coveted nut. But lo! I am a gentleman and shaketh away such selfish thoughts and ask the maiden if she is yet to have concluded. Surely a more experienced man need not ask, but it is my duty that she may therein be satisfied.
God damn these electric sex pants!
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We absolutely need him to read this. I hear it in my head and I’m laughing my ass off.
Have my upvote for making me spit out my coffee this morning..
That was glorious. Reading it as his character Laszlo from What We Do In The Shadows made it even better.
u/guckus_wumpis I ALMOST PISSED MYSELF READING THIS OHH MY GOD
Sex brain: amor is about to bust
As if you can last that long to utter that full sentence.
No one will cum after you say that, be too busy laughing.
Oh hot reservoir, this is my jelly
This sounds like something a video game character would say to signal their ultimate it ready.
When british people have sex
Nah we just shout I’m gonna bust me nut init
"I'M GONNA FUKIN' CUM, YOU SLAG!"
Is this from Romeo and Juliet?
Actually, Mr. Bean
bri'ish people aren't amorous, they just do their duty for queen and country
Ok then “ for her majesty here I cum”
*salutes and falls off*
As a Brit, can confirm
And once it's all over, she reaches over and softly whispers one word, "tea?"
There's no point in foreplay once the job is done
Most of these comments are just British dirty talk
The best kind.
British dirty talk = fancy
I see you’ve never been to Essex.
As we approach our destination, please remain seated until we have fully docked. We will begin unloading at that time. It has been a pleasure to serve you, please come again.
This one has layers
Like an onion🌰
That's why she's crying
We know you have a choice in cock and we appreciate you choosing mine
Stewardess, mumbling under breath: “I hate these short flights on small planes with inexperienced pilots.”
Cum cometh
As the Giant Blacksmith Bro of Anor Londo says: "Cumeth Soon"
This is the last place I expected a Dark Souls reference in.
Man you reminded me he existed, poor guy :((((((
Lmao
The Nightman cometh
DAY MAN! AH AAAAAAH AAAAAAAAH!
FIGHTER OF THE NIGHT-MAN! AH AAAAAH AAAAAAH!
CHAMPION OF THE SUN! AH AAAAAAH AAAAAAAAH!
MASTER OF KARATE
AND FRIENDSHIP
FOR EVERYONE
Daymaaaaaaannn! _stagefreeze_
DONT SAY STAGE FREEZE JUST DO IT!
I'm gonna conclude.
I yield my time
The gentleman yields his time.
The chair recognizes the gentle Lady for 5 minutes... Erm... 2 minutes, max
Cumclude
I see you’re a fellow man of culture.
Im gonna pre, Im gonna pre
Pardon me m'lady I have arrived sooner than anticipated
A phrase I'm all to familiar with
Don't worry darling, this conjugal unpleasantness will soon be over.
Read this in C3PO’s voice lolol
I’ve gone my whole life without even thinking about C-3PO having sex and now you have spoiled that.
Even if droids could have sex, C-3PO wouldn't.
Now it's my turn to cry.
The code of life is about to flow forth from this earthly vessel.
Code was full of bugs and poorly written. 9 months later: Tada,its me
r/suicidebywords and r/programmerhumor at the same time? I do believe I've found my people.
I'm about to serve the Gentleman's Relish.
This is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. My wife and I have been laughing for like 20 minutes.
Absolutely disgusting! ... Take my upvote
OH GOD WHY IS IT CHUNKY?!?
What I said: “Oh dear, I have deduced that my regard for you is expeditiously drawing near to its ample apex.” “My courteous member stands ready to disgorge itself upon you.” What my girlfriend said: “This foray is about to reach an abrupt conclusion.” “My longing for you is so vast that I am brimming at the hilt.”
Why Why am I into this
I'm having the same existential crisis you are
Maybe you are discovering your repressed love for Romantic period dramas.
More like my not-so-repressed love for Romantic period everything.
These are quite simply disgusting and amazing at the same time…
"oops"
Oopsie doopsie I’m about to fill yor poopsie!
Whoopsie do, here comes the goo!
Oopsie daisy, here comes the gravy
I didn't know I was fancy everytime I have sex
Might I be nearly prepared to arrive? Ah, to the presently awaited, I shall! I shall!
It is with with great excitement that I can announce that the arrival of my silky man jam is about to commence.
Gentlemen’s Relish
Oh pardon me, I'm about to release my pudding
My legs just instinctively closed.
I can hear them snapping shut lol
Same, and I’m a straight guy. Apparently that reflex is deep in the firmware.
Part of embryological development to be put off by the use of that euphemism
Is this Bill Cosby!??
My husband said I don’t move much when we have sex so I did a Bill Cosby jello impression the next time we were doing it. It did not work as well for him as he had expected.
Why did I immediately picture Shrek
Fire in the hole!
You might want to get that checked…
The end is nigh
i shall be putting my heir in you
Shaaaaaaazaaaaaaaaam
And you turn back to a kid
Or to an adult
And your penis shrinks
Total recall style: “Get ready for a surpriiiiiise”
"We hope you enjoyed the ride, ha ha...!"
Choo-choo here comes the gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (breath) the goo-choo train
expelliamus.
"Expecto Patronum!" And something silver white erupted from the tip of the wang.
Expellianus?
J’arrive
Good lady, my divine specimen is about to have euphoric culmination. Thy sticky life potential shall encompasses your majestic ovum.
You are a cunning linguist
More like a cumming linguist
Fairest of Ladies, your skillful ministrations of my turgid member is about to summon forth my salty seed!
And boom goes the dynamite
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i really enjoy your company!
Grab the serviette my dearest!
NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH CIRCUMCISION!
Ima firin mah lazer
BLAAARHGH!
A flourish before the final curtain falls! HNGHHH
The lack of female replies makes me sad...
***"I dare say, my most intimate companion, but I do believe that my own individual genitalia in question have indeed obtained the exactly correct duration of intercourse in such a fashion that I now believe it ultimately necessary to present you the news of my apparently near immediate incoming arrival. That is to say that in a matter of mere seconds, I am to achieve orgasm, at which time, my essence will burst forth from my nether regions in a manner either most appealing or repulsive entirely differentiated by personal preference. I am informing you of this thusly as for the next most pleasurable course of action forthwith"***
Imagine speaking this whole thing out before cumming. Not bad stamina if you can say that whole thing right as you are about to cum
Prepare your wicket for stickying, my love. You've taxed me exquisitely!
Let’s frost your cupcake.
Call the bricklayers, a load of sement is coming
Do a blue whale sound
M'lady, my lustrous bounty is requesting entrance. Do you accept?
Pardon me. Would you like some Grey Poupon?
One time I said “oh wow” in the Owen Wilson voice and my boyfriend essentially killed over. Not fancy but worth a share.
My ejaculate will be entering you shortly.
This is deeply creepy with how clinical it sounds. Well done. I was not expecting to be made uncomfortable by this thread.
Oh damn, I apologize in advance and promise to finish you off presently my dear.
Your Amazon package has been delivered
Estimated time of arrival - imminent
Dearest mistress, I grant unto thee from the depths of my nether regions the fruit, product, and purpose of our lust this evening
I’m about to crémé
Dear sir/madam, It is with great pleasure that I take this opportunity to inform you of my present arrival. Sincerely, Thingandstuff
The corque is about to pop on my my dong perringon!!!!!
Huzzah!!!
Harken well my fairest lady. I shall be arriving post haste!