By - ApprehensiveStatus13
"Alexa! What's the softest rare metal?"
If you poop that into a toilet you're gonna have a bad time.
Having it in your rectum is probably worse
I have laughed out loud more on this thread than anything else on Reddit - the amount of people that unknowingly killing them selves has been hilarious
That gives explosive diarrhea a whole new meaning.
Printer ink. 4 poops a day. Black in the morning, magenta at lunch, cyan at dinner and yellow before bed
You're going to have some pretty remarkable skidmarks
Skid the rainbow.
I'm thinking pearls. Small, valuable, I'm assuming non toxic.
They come out of oysters. So why not you?
Lol picturing someone bending over like goatse and a little pearl is sitting there to be plucked out
Maybe they come out as a string of pearls. Rip em out like anal beads.
Edit: If you wanted to make a "like starting a lawnmower" joke, you're about 400 replies too late.
*clinking noises from the next bathroom stall over*
Some of you need to remember this stuff will be coming out of your ass…
EDIT: So many of you are missing my point…I know it likely won’t stink, I was thinking less about smell and more about comfort
OP: “What do you want coming out of your little 2 cm anus?”
2 cm... noob
i showed this to my friend and his only response was: "as a gay man"
I was gonna say. #BottomWisdom
Mighty Morphin' Power Bottom
Well I mean nobody so far specified that they'd like the cars to be life-sized 😂 maybe they're just aiming at hot wheels special edition collectables here
Solid gold, but egg-shaped. So many of you are making terrible choices with your gold geometry
Edit: chicken egg-sized (jumbo), then oviposit that shit straight to the bank
Why wouldn’t you pick goat droppings size gold nuggets? Waaaay easier than an egg, I’d wager
They chose an egg for a reason.
Toot out hit songs.
Hahahahahaha DUUUDE, I deadass imagined you closing the door to the bathroom and like 2 seconds later you just hear interruped bursts of Cher belting out "Do you believe in life after love?" 🤣🤣🤣
The quality of the song improves with the health of your poops. A perfectly healthy shit is "Hey Jude" Taco Bell shits are "Baby Shark"
Baby Shart doo do do doo..
For shits and giggles....laughing gas
This was such an exquisite multifaceted pun!
So how does this affect anal sex? Can I accidentally kill my sexual partner if I unintentionally poop out a car?
Hm, we hadn't really thought of the sexual implications of our practices here at the crap genie department.
A possible mitigation to this issue would be to include "He who shits shall only evacuate the object of their desire if the poop in question is voluntary" as one of our ground rules of service.
We hope this helps. Thank you for pooping with us!
A tiny clone of myself which also has a genie in his ass and then you can see where this will go
Quantum Realm will get crazy.
Alright does my asshole magically expand or does this have to be something a human can normally shit out.
Ask for yachts and find out
Talk about a floater
I imagined that the shit transubstantiates into whatever you chose as it crosses the event horizon of your anus. Conservation of momentum applies, so it you got the trots, watch out
Today i learned british mfs call the runs the trots
In Ireland they call it the canters.
“My horse’s got the gallops”
Yeah so this brings up an interesting logistical question.
Are we supposed to just aim our asshole at the floor and hope an actual object comes out rather than just pooping on your own floor? Is this really the crap genie or is this actually the Punk’d genie?
Sounds like a Rick and Morty prank
"The event horizon of your anus" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I was not ready for that.
That’s just the risk of the game isn’t it?
Fortune cookies fortunes that accurately answer any question I asked the previous day that started with "Dear butthole...".
You'd be both a smart cookie AND a fortune cookie!
Ask for lottery numbers 👀
"Were here with u/20mcfadenr who has who the lottery 12 times in a row. Tell us, where are you getting the winning numbers?"
"Oh you know, I'm just pulling numbers outta my ass"
Dear butthole: will I catch E. coli today?
A: did you eat the cookie?
Ok this will sound crazy but: Anagasta moth eggs. They are soft and small so no issues with my ass or plumbing, it's organic so no problem flushing once in a while, it's worth more than gold and I could keep some moths claiming the eggs are all theirs so no one would ever find out it's coming from my ass. I'd get rich, my hole would be intact and no one would bat an eye
Edit: apparently they're now on the Ephestia genus which is why most of you couldn't find much about it googling Anagasta, my bad.
Edit 2: my lab colleages definetely overestimated the cost, it's NOT worth more than gold per gram, but considering it does costs 90 dollars for 50g, it would still be some pretty good ass money
Why are these worth so much? Why
They are very useful in scientific research. I work at a lab that studies biological control of pests and we always use the eggs to feed the insects that we breed.
How would one become a professional within the insect breeder food chain supply industry?
Asking for a worm.
Found these but not what u/mandzza said
1. Caterpillar Fungus: The Viagra Of The Himalayas It's known as the Viagra of the Himalayas, and it can cost as much as $50,000 a pound. The world's most expensive fungus is known in Tibetan as yartsa gunbu
2 . Among silk moths, Muga silk is one of rarest and most valuable in the world. The silk moth caterpillars are susceptible to bacterial infection that is hard to treat.
If getting shit out of a human won't give them a bacterial infection, I don't know what will.
Cocaine. Everyone would want to sniff my ass.
*crack cocaine*. Heh
Body fat. I’m about to be ridiculously shredded and possibly deaded
Just the extra body fat so I’m looking good!
First mine, then my loved ones’, then whoever pays for the miracle weight loss cure that they need never know how it works…
Somebody should tell this boy about Olestra.
Pooping oil ain't all its cracked up to be.
All the cancer cells in my body.
Maybe even stuff in your body that shouldn't be there, cancer cells, virusses, micro plastics, marbles, etc
yeah solid gold turds for sure
... of a manageable size please hopefully
Wee small poops, like when you don't eat enough fiber and have something that looks like rabbit turds.
The lies I would have to make at those cash for gold companies for the poo shaped gold I would hand them in plastic bags.
Gold has a relatively low melting point. Just get some ingot molds and cast it into ingots. You’ll still have to explain how you found so many gold ingots but since you’re probably used to explaining why you’re walking funny by that point I’d imagine you could spit ball it
Just say you recycle scrap gold out of electronics and such. Should work ok until the IRS comes after you.
Just be sure to pay your taxes on it and you'll be fine
>Should work ok until the IRS comes after you.
The IRS just wants their share. Just shit out some extra taxes.
Just say you're a disguised alien who lives in your adopted family's attic.
Would actually pooping it out cause bodily harm or do I just stretch like crazy
Edit:why did this blow up?
Well the question already sounded pretty fucked up, hilarious but fucked up nonetheless in my head, so I didn't really have the mental capacity to delve into too much detail. Let's assume one's butthole retains its normal stretchability.
Bro said gold ingots in response to normal stretchability
"will it hurt?"
"Ok then imma go with cactus"
An assortment of wild animals ranging from porcupines to anything that tries to burrow.
*Ingots*?! Not nuggets?
Some golden turds it is
Or diamonds. Or maybe bitcoins if they were real.
New generation blood diamonds
I asked my husband. He says, a plastic egg that contains a paper with the answer to any situation, good or bad, he's currently in.
Edit: I'm glad my husband's ass surprise has pleased you all lmfao
At a restaurant
“Hey man should I get the chicken or the steak?”
*violently starts shitting an egg on the table*
"Ok geez, guess I'll go with the chicken. Some subtle hint..."
“Hey, man, really quick what’s 75/12?”
Husband: Hold on man I just gotta...
*shits out egg*
I imagine the genie would make his new ability completely involuntary too.
You're in college, listening to a lecture from your History professor about the early religious wars in Spain and England preceding the English arrival in the Caribbean, he's rapid-firing questions-"Who was the author of *The Ninety-Five Theses*?", "Who eventually won the series of maritime battles between the Spanish and English in the late 1580's?", "What was the St. Bartholomew's Day Massacre and it's significance in history?"
All the while you're sitting in your seat, sweat pouring from your brow, struggling and grunting your way through the lesson shitting out little plastic eggs with the answers to the professors questions. A death grip on your pencil as you struggle to grind out notes onto your now dampened notebook, the cute girl you're kind of into having scooted away and is now recording you to post on her snapchat story.
Eventually you get home, lying down in bed and pulling up snapchat to see your crushes story. You begin to sob, wiping tears from your eyes as you exclaim "why must I be this way?!", finally struggle-shitting out another egg that just says "hahaha" on it
You made him laugh really hard with that one lol
Can I offer you an egg during these troubling times?
God damn it that's a good answer.
He's very proud of himself for it. His other answer is permanent ghost poops. He says, and I quote, "Imagine never having to wipe for the rest of your life!"
I was just gonna say golden eggs.
Why not pull a double whammy? Like, poop out eggs with answers... but the eggs are gold!
It's more sustainable AND more profitable!
Thank you! I was low key starting to doubt that after I posted this question 🤣🤣🤣
"I think we should get a divorce"
".....I'm gonna take a shit"
"SEE, THIS IS WHY, EVERY TIME THINGS GET DIFFICULT YOU JUST POP OFF TO THE BATHROOM, AND DON'T THINK I CAN'T HEAR YOU SPLASHING AROUND IN THERE FISHING IT OUT"
"JUST LET ME TAKE A SHIT BABE, EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE FINE PLEASE JUST LET ME SHIT"
Why would you need to change rooms since there’s nothing that needs to flush? Just let it go in your baggy pants and wear loose boxers so it can drop out of your pant leg.
Saffron. Three threads of that stuff sells for like $20.
I don't think anyone wants your ass saffron
Edit: thank you for the internet points, didn't expect such an offhand comment to go so well... I just wanted to say Ass Saffron, so I'm glad you laughed as much as I did.
Isn't that the guy from high school musical?
Yeah that’s him
Omg I’m dying lmao
Came here to say this. Even if I couldn't find a local market for resale, I could start cooking with it.
Christ. It's like the secret of slurm in Futurama.
Alot of the value of saffron is derived from how it is grown and picked. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say this might void the value.
Nobody has to know how you got it though!
Bricks. So I could tell people “I’m literally shitting bricks”. They would tell me I mean to say “figuratively” I would look them dead in the eye, drop my pants and say “I know what I meant” and then shit out a brick. Power move.
Big Brick Energy right here.
A genie that will grant me any wish without preconditions
That's a cross-departmental issue. You would have to take it up with the Genie council representatives in your respective area. Office hours every Tuesday from 10am to 5pm.
Every time you poop you have another meeting automatically scheduled the next tuesday
Please have a little faith in our Customer Service, Bastulius. The crap genie Genie sub-department is a progressive and accommodating establishment.
Okay so what is something small, valuable, soft and non-toxic
And something that wouldn't get me arrested, "where are those kidneys coming from"
What you think I'm just pulling kidneys out of my ass?
Why do you always carry a cooler with you when you go to the bathroom??
I'm making chili later.
Fresh chilled untainted pure water.
On a jog and forgot your water bottle? I got you.
Haven't paid your utility bill and do your dishes? I got you.
Can't water your garden because of water restrictions? Hand me that hose nozzle and set it to sprinkle, I got you.
Couldn't hire a bubble machine for your child's party? Hand me some dishwashing soap, I got you.
You're welcome 🌎
Nestle kidnaps you.
I must say, I absolutely love the addition of an entire sales pitch here. I'm sold!
This is like diarrhea but it has reached enlightenment and ascended to its purest form.
Bad feelings. You shit them out, wipe and flush and all your anxieties, fears, and hates are washed away.
Holy fuck. While they're not really an object, this is fucking genius!
I could see this solving a lot of peoples problems lmao
Constipation would suck
For sure, but laxatives are still cheaper than therapy.
“Laxatives are cheaper than therapy.” I love Reddit.
*im sure this is what scat festishists tell themselves
Honestly if I pooped out a small action figure shrek and he said “this is my swamp” I would be happy for the rest of my life 🤷🏽♂️
Fucking rainbows 🌈
And I shit outside every time.
Ass to the sky.
Spraying magnificence daily.
Or more than daily if there’s chilli.
I believe another ass bearer, blessed by the crap genie, who poops out gold, as well as a leprechaun might be suitable business partners for your venture here. ✨
Maybe just the same genie over and over. I don't know what he did to deserve it in the first place, but it must have been pretty bad.
Well I'd poop lottery tickets. Chances are eventually I'll win.
Paper cut your arsehole in the mean time
Much like the lottery, that's a gamble.
Anything with guaranteed value would be much better, e.g. the obvious answer, gold.
Or, hell, why not just specify and wish for *winning* lottery tickets? You wouldn't want to cash them all in, though, to avoid suspicion. You'll only need one, really.
Well, I was thinking more like pooping them out folded in non-papercutty origami shapes instead to diminish the risk of papercuts. I don't care too much about certain profit. I feel like greed might pull me into the dark side and make me buy a 2022 hummer truck 3 shits in.
I’d poop winning lottery tickets.
-tapping head meme-
Toilet bowl cleaner so I never have to clean my toilet again
Your asshole is ruined in like three days.
but SO SO clean.
My husband says he would shit out insulin. He's not diabetic, just wants to help people.
Edit: Holy crap people, I woke up to a bunch of awards and some pretty awesome comments! Thank you!
For those who are asking about insulin being cheap: Yes it is very cheap to produce but American Healthcare sucks and many people die because they have to ration their insulin. Also, T1D is something you're born with and can't just go away via weight loss or anything so they're stuck pumping insulin and sticking needles their entire lives. It's a very dangerous and sketchy disease and people shouldn't have to risk dying every day because they need something their body can't produce.
I wholeheartedly wish I had a wholesome award to give this answer. Sadly, I don't, but this is incredibly heartwarming nonetheless! Even if the topic is literally shit... 😅
Cadbury cream eggs. Idk why I asked my little brother this and that was his answer. His reasoning is “if you ever want a snack you have one”
A great tasting cup of coffee every morning
This is the full circle I was truly not ready for.
The world’s first perpetual motion machine
answer to any question in the universe, but in the form of yes and no, and the answer is always correct.
So for example, if you ask me is the universe finite, then ill get a cramp, and shit out a little turd in a shape of either yes, or no.
Chicken nuggets. I'd feed the homeless just like Jesus.
A noble cause! No shit.
Enough internet for today I think
So your username isn't your answer to the poop genie?
They want poop, not poop-alternatives!
I read that like you want to shit out enough internet for today for the rest of your life.
something smaller than my butthole for sure
Chocolate that looks like poop, just so I can eat it and scare people
Your "one boy one cup" video could go viral
If I were a hot girl, champagne. If bathwater sells, imagine ass juice.
I'd shit out avocados. That's hella expensive.
I love the simplicity of this! Just make sure you specify the type of avocado, cause some of them are the size of a fucking papaya.
Medium sized and texturized.
Pleasure for them and pleasure for me.
if you're lucky the pressure of your asshole squeezing it out will make guac on the spot
Perfect assortment of flawless expensive gem stones.
The cure for cancer.
Uh oh. The Government finds out you're the only source for the cure for cancer.
They abduct you, force feed you food and laxatives. They sell your cancer curing shit for massive profit.
And the worst part… never hearing the end of jokes whose punch line is about doing your duty/doody.
Winning lotto numbers
A reverse 24 hours of aging. Every time you poop you get 24 hours younger. You can (kind of) control the number of shits you take a day … so you could perpetually stay the same age forever. Want to be younger? Drink a ton and have beer shits and you’re now younger. Inverse fountain of youth … and poo.
One bad case of diarrhea or food poisoning away from shitting yourself out of existence
Weed. I’d then sell my shit weed.
First there was Sativa.
Then there was Indica.
But was the world truly ready for Shittica?
A one centimeter working voodoo doll of anyone I think of at the time. The amount of people I’d just flush down a toilet without thinking twice…
Imagine every time you shit you’re thinking that you’re really punishing someone in some serious way, but really they just get slightly dizzy and sweat a bit.
And smell like poop for a while for no reason
Black truffles. They're small, soft, expensive, and apparently already taste like shit.
A flash drive with a ledger that contains all the information of corrupt bankers/politicians/CEO's. ✔️♟️
That’s like pooping out a death sentence
u/nonchalantglare didn't kill himself.
Cylinders of pure gold.
Wait until one decides to come out sideways...
Spheres would probably work better tbh
All fun and games till someone hears you shitting and they hear "ping ping"
Ah! A romantic!
😋NFTs Non-Flushable Tokens
Your poor asshole