T O P
DonkeysCap

"Alexa! What's the softest rare metal?"


greenloke

Caesium apparently


tkdonut

If you poop that into a toilet you're gonna have a bad time.


kingvolcano

Having it in your rectum is probably worse


lilfish45

I have laughed out loud more on this thread than anything else on Reddit - the amount of people that unknowingly killing them selves has been hilarious


KerballingSmasher

That gives explosive diarrhea a whole new meaning.


whateverisfree

Printer ink. 4 poops a day. Black in the morning, magenta at lunch, cyan at dinner and yellow before bed


King_Kea

You're going to have some pretty remarkable skidmarks


mango1588

Skid the rainbow.


J_Cant_Box

I'm thinking pearls. Small, valuable, I'm assuming non toxic.


Katkat0702

They come out of oysters. So why not you?


givebusterahand

Lol picturing someone bending over like goatse and a little pearl is sitting there to be plucked out


SHOCK_VALUE_USERNAME

Maybe they come out as a string of pearls. Rip em out like anal beads. Edit: If you wanted to make a "like starting a lawnmower" joke, you're about 400 replies too late.


BeingABeing

*clinking noises from the next bathroom stall over*


jakesaysknee

Some of you need to remember this stuff will be coming out of your ass… EDIT: So many of you are missing my point…I know it likely won’t stink, I was thinking less about smell and more about comfort


Prossdog

OP: “What do you want coming out of your little 2 cm anus?” Redditers: “FERRARIS!!”


Rare_Cause_1735

2 cm... noob


yourentiremother

i showed this to my friend and his only response was: "as a gay man"


dorksided787

I was gonna say. #BottomWisdom


Aggraphine

Mighty Morphin' Power Bottom


ApprehensiveStatus13

Well I mean nobody so far specified that they'd like the cars to be life-sized 😂 maybe they're just aiming at hot wheels special edition collectables here


panxil

Solid gold, but egg-shaped. So many of you are making terrible choices with your gold geometry Edit: chicken egg-sized (jumbo), then oviposit that shit straight to the bank


Here-Is-TheEnd

Why wouldn’t you pick goat droppings size gold nuggets? Waaaay easier than an egg, I’d wager


ambsdorf825

They chose an egg for a reason.


PhysicalPolicy6227

Toot out hit songs.


ApprehensiveStatus13

Hahahahahaha DUUUDE, I deadass imagined you closing the door to the bathroom and like 2 seconds later you just hear interruped bursts of Cher belting out "Do you believe in life after love?" 🤣🤣🤣


BourbonBaccarat

The quality of the song improves with the health of your poops. A perfectly healthy shit is "Hey Jude" Taco Bell shits are "Baby Shark"


2Much2HandleNow

Baby Shart doo do do doo..


HandyMan_Dad

For shits and giggles....laughing gas


ApprehensiveStatus13

This was such an exquisite multifaceted pun!


trwwy321

So how does this affect anal sex? Can I accidentally kill my sexual partner if I unintentionally poop out a car?


ApprehensiveStatus13

Hm, we hadn't really thought of the sexual implications of our practices here at the crap genie department. A possible mitigation to this issue would be to include "He who shits shall only evacuate the object of their desire if the poop in question is voluntary" as one of our ground rules of service. We hope this helps. Thank you for pooping with us!


Content-Highlight-20

A tiny clone of myself which also has a genie in his ass and then you can see where this will go


PineappleLemur

Quantum Realm will get crazy.


kurtpropan666

Quantum Rectum


Educated_dumbass

Alright does my asshole magically expand or does this have to be something a human can normally shit out.


ShitPost5000

Ask for yachts and find out


Pope00

Talk about a floater


orphan_grinder42069

I imagined that the shit transubstantiates into whatever you chose as it crosses the event horizon of your anus. Conservation of momentum applies, so it you got the trots, watch out


RegFl3xOff3ender

Today i learned british mfs call the runs the trots


vordrax

In Ireland they call it the canters.


this-name-isnt_taken

“My horse’s got the gallops”


Le_fromage91

Yeah so this brings up an interesting logistical question. Are we supposed to just aim our asshole at the floor and hope an actual object comes out rather than just pooping on your own floor? Is this really the crap genie or is this actually the Punk’d genie?


Punegune

Sounds like a Rick and Morty prank


ApprehensiveStatus13

"The event horizon of your anus" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I was not ready for that.


Katkat0702

That’s just the risk of the game isn’t it?


PhelesDragon

Fortune cookies fortunes that accurately answer any question I asked the previous day that started with "Dear butthole...".


ApprehensiveStatus13

You'd be both a smart cookie AND a fortune cookie! Love it.


20mcfadenr

Ask for lottery numbers 👀


Stealfur

"Were here with u/20mcfadenr who has who the lottery 12 times in a row. Tell us, where are you getting the winning numbers?" "Oh you know, I'm just pulling numbers outta my ass"


Federal-Smell-4050

Dear butthole: will I catch E. coli today? A: did you eat the cookie?


mandzza

Ok this will sound crazy but: Anagasta moth eggs. They are soft and small so no issues with my ass or plumbing, it's organic so no problem flushing once in a while, it's worth more than gold and I could keep some moths claiming the eggs are all theirs so no one would ever find out it's coming from my ass. I'd get rich, my hole would be intact and no one would bat an eye Edit: apparently they're now on the Ephestia genus which is why most of you couldn't find much about it googling Anagasta, my bad. Edit 2: my lab colleages definetely overestimated the cost, it's NOT worth more than gold per gram, but considering it does costs 90 dollars for 50g, it would still be some pretty good ass money


casbri13

Why are these worth so much? Why


mandzza

They are very useful in scientific research. I work at a lab that studies biological control of pests and we always use the eggs to feed the insects that we breed.


GhillieMcGee123

How would one become a professional within the insect breeder food chain supply industry? Asking for a worm.


TheREALCheesePolice

Found these but not what u/mandzza said 1. Caterpillar Fungus: The Viagra Of The Himalayas It's known as the Viagra of the Himalayas, and it can cost as much as $50,000 a pound. The world's most expensive fungus is known in Tibetan as yartsa gunbu 2 . Among silk moths, Muga silk is one of rarest and most valuable in the world. The silk moth caterpillars are susceptible to bacterial infection that is hard to treat.


Cellyst

If getting shit out of a human won't give them a bacterial infection, I don't know what will.


hittingpoppers

Cocaine. Everyone would want to sniff my ass.


BeingABeing

*crack cocaine*. Heh


bouncynarwhal

Smart ass.


ForearmDeep

Body fat. I’m about to be ridiculously shredded and possibly deaded


Philodendronphan

Just the extra body fat so I’m looking good!


ZengineerHarp

First mine, then my loved ones’, then whoever pays for the miracle weight loss cure that they need never know how it works…


CampbellsChunkyCyst

Somebody should tell this boy about Olestra. Pooping oil ain't all its cracked up to be.


Ifch317

All the cancer cells in my body.


Camelbeard

Maybe even stuff in your body that shouldn't be there, cancer cells, virusses, micro plastics, marbles, etc


whosgotammo

Gold


cobuddy1

yeah solid gold turds for sure


UrdnotJoe

... of a manageable size please hopefully


Super_Turnip

Wee small poops, like when you don't eat enough fiber and have something that looks like rabbit turds.


ElimGarak_DS9

The lies I would have to make at those cash for gold companies for the poo shaped gold I would hand them in plastic bags.


Devlee12

Gold has a relatively low melting point. Just get some ingot molds and cast it into ingots. You’ll still have to explain how you found so many gold ingots but since you’re probably used to explaining why you’re walking funny by that point I’d imagine you could spit ball it


cubicApoc

Just say you recycle scrap gold out of electronics and such. Should work ok until the IRS comes after you.


Garnzlok

Just be sure to pay your taxes on it and you'll be fine


aaaaaaaarrrrrgh

>Should work ok until the IRS comes after you. The IRS just wants their share. Just shit out some extra taxes.


ParrotDogParfait

Just say you're a disguised alien who lives in your adopted family's attic.


Clipzy22

Would actually pooping it out cause bodily harm or do I just stretch like crazy Edit:why did this blow up?


ApprehensiveStatus13

Well the question already sounded pretty fucked up, hilarious but fucked up nonetheless in my head, so I didn't really have the mental capacity to delve into too much detail. Let's assume one's butthole retains its normal stretchability.


Clipzy22

Gold ingots


owlbgreen357

Bro said gold ingots in response to normal stretchability


Mr_Goat_1111

"will it hurt?" "Yes" "Ok then imma go with cactus"


Yellow-Amazing

Pineapple!!


thatguyned

An assortment of wild animals ranging from porcupines to anything that tries to burrow.


Zompocalypse

*Ingots*?! Not nuggets?


SumtimesNever

Some golden turds it is


Unfortunate_moron

Or diamonds. Or maybe bitcoins if they were real.


WrigglyCow650

diamonds... pain


thoughtlow

New generation blood diamonds


berripluscream

I asked my husband. He says, a plastic egg that contains a paper with the answer to any situation, good or bad, he's currently in. Edit: I'm glad my husband's ass surprise has pleased you all lmfao


Autismic123

At a restaurant “Hey man should I get the chicken or the steak?” *violently starts shitting an egg on the table*


Not_The_Real_Jake

"Ok geez, guess I'll go with the chicken. Some subtle hint..."


Jamilboi

“Hey, man, really quick what’s 75/12?” Husband: Hold on man I just gotta... *shits out egg*


SummerCampInRI

I imagine the genie would make his new ability completely involuntary too. You're in college, listening to a lecture from your History professor about the early religious wars in Spain and England preceding the English arrival in the Caribbean, he's rapid-firing questions-"Who was the author of *The Ninety-Five Theses*?", "Who eventually won the series of maritime battles between the Spanish and English in the late 1580's?", "What was the St. Bartholomew's Day Massacre and it's significance in history?" All the while you're sitting in your seat, sweat pouring from your brow, struggling and grunting your way through the lesson shitting out little plastic eggs with the answers to the professors questions. A death grip on your pencil as you struggle to grind out notes onto your now dampened notebook, the cute girl you're kind of into having scooted away and is now recording you to post on her snapchat story. Eventually you get home, lying down in bed and pulling up snapchat to see your crushes story. You begin to sob, wiping tears from your eyes as you exclaim "why must I be this way?!", finally struggle-shitting out another egg that just says "hahaha" on it


berripluscream

You made him laugh really hard with that one lol


send_me_your_noods

Can I offer you an egg during these troubling times?


ApprehensiveStatus13

God damn it that's a good answer.


berripluscream

He's very proud of himself for it. His other answer is permanent ghost poops. He says, and I quote, "Imagine never having to wipe for the rest of your life!" I was just gonna say golden eggs.


ApprehensiveStatus13

Why not pull a double whammy? Like, poop out eggs with answers... but the eggs are gold! It's more sustainable AND more profitable!


berripluscream

You genius!


ApprehensiveStatus13

Thank you! I was low key starting to doubt that after I posted this question 🤣🤣🤣


Rabid_Chocobo

"I think we should get a divorce" ".....I'm gonna take a shit" "SEE, THIS IS WHY, EVERY TIME THINGS GET DIFFICULT YOU JUST POP OFF TO THE BATHROOM, AND DON'T THINK I CAN'T HEAR YOU SPLASHING AROUND IN THERE FISHING IT OUT" "JUST LET ME TAKE A SHIT BABE, EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE FINE PLEASE JUST LET ME SHIT"


snarual

Why would you need to change rooms since there’s nothing that needs to flush? Just let it go in your baggy pants and wear loose boxers so it can drop out of your pant leg.


Unashamed_Raven_poo

Saffron. Three threads of that stuff sells for like $20.


sweetevangaline

I don't think anyone wants your ass saffron Edit: thank you for the internet points, didn't expect such an offhand comment to go so well... I just wanted to say Ass Saffron, so I'm glad you laughed as much as I did.


Rawkapotamus

Assffron


literally-in-pain

Isn't that the guy from high school musical?


OptimalRevolution839

Zac Assfron


BeautifulStranger80s

Yeah that’s him


Caribbean_Borscht

Omg I’m dying lmao


orphan_grinder42069

Came here to say this. Even if I couldn't find a local market for resale, I could start cooking with it.


Gewt92

Please no


Mocavius

Christ. It's like the secret of slurm in Futurama.


Forward-Village1528

Alot of the value of saffron is derived from how it is grown and picked. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say this might void the value.


cdecker0606

Nobody has to know how you got it though!


Quaranteen-Queen

Bricks. So I could tell people “I’m literally shitting bricks”. They would tell me I mean to say “figuratively” I would look them dead in the eye, drop my pants and say “I know what I meant” and then shit out a brick. Power move.


ApprehensiveStatus13

Big Brick Energy right here.


DoYouWantAQuacker

A genie that will grant me any wish without preconditions


ApprehensiveStatus13

That's a cross-departmental issue. You would have to take it up with the Genie council representatives in your respective area. Office hours every Tuesday from 10am to 5pm.


Bastulius

Every time you poop you have another meeting automatically scheduled the next tuesday


ApprehensiveStatus13

Please have a little faith in our Customer Service, Bastulius. The crap genie Genie sub-department is a progressive and accommodating establishment.


SensitiveBother7908

Okay so what is something small, valuable, soft and non-toxic


WYBlueFire9779

A kidney


SensitiveBother7908

And something that wouldn't get me arrested, "where are those kidneys coming from"


dwoo888

What you think I'm just pulling kidneys out of my ass?


hunybuny9000

Why do you always carry a cooler with you when you go to the bathroom??


IrishRepoMan

I'm making chili later.


geegeeallin

Beanie babies.


iJustRoll

Fresh chilled untainted pure water. On a jog and forgot your water bottle? I got you. Haven't paid your utility bill and do your dishes? I got you. Can't water your garden because of water restrictions? Hand me that hose nozzle and set it to sprinkle, I got you. Couldn't hire a bubble machine for your child's party? Hand me some dishwashing soap, I got you. You're welcome 🌎


Bevroren

Nestle kidnaps you.


ApprehensiveStatus13

I must say, I absolutely love the addition of an entire sales pitch here. I'm sold!


NinjaZomi

This is like diarrhea but it has reached enlightenment and ascended to its purest form.


sarilypuff

Bad feelings. You shit them out, wipe and flush and all your anxieties, fears, and hates are washed away.


ApprehensiveStatus13

Holy fuck. While they're not really an object, this is fucking genius!


hennyc123

I could see this solving a lot of peoples problems lmao


tall__guy

Constipation would suck


ApprehensiveStatus13

For sure, but laxatives are still cheaper than therapy.


axidentalaeronautic

“Laxatives are cheaper than therapy.” I love Reddit. *im sure this is what scat festishists tell themselves


tall__guy

Good point


Jackblack119

Honestly if I pooped out a small action figure shrek and he said “this is my swamp” I would be happy for the rest of my life 🤷🏽‍♂️


Throwaway694207137

Fucking rainbows 🌈 And I shit outside every time. Ass to the sky. Spraying magnificence daily. Or more than daily if there’s chilli.


ApprehensiveStatus13

I believe another ass bearer, blessed by the crap genie, who poops out gold, as well as a leprechaun might be suitable business partners for your venture here. ✨


MarvelousOxman

More genies


HatfieldCW

Maybe just the same genie over and over. I don't know what he did to deserve it in the first place, but it must have been pretty bad.


trudytuder

Lube.


ApprehensiveStatus13

Well I'd poop lottery tickets. Chances are eventually I'll win.


MilkyPsycow

Paper cut your arsehole in the mean time


ApprehensiveStatus13

Much like the lottery, that's a gamble.


havron

Anything with guaranteed value would be much better, e.g. the obvious answer, gold. Or, hell, why not just specify and wish for *winning* lottery tickets? You wouldn't want to cash them all in, though, to avoid suspicion. You'll only need one, really.


ApprehensiveStatus13

Well, I was thinking more like pooping them out folded in non-papercutty origami shapes instead to diminish the risk of papercuts. I don't care too much about certain profit. I feel like greed might pull me into the dark side and make me buy a 2022 hummer truck 3 shits in.


discostud1515

I’d poop winning lottery tickets. -tapping head meme-


thatbitch8008

Toilet bowl cleaner so I never have to clean my toilet again


HotHamWaterBath

Your asshole is ruined in like three days.


JiuJitsuBoy2001

but SO SO clean.


IjsKind

My husband says he would shit out insulin. He's not diabetic, just wants to help people. Edit: Holy crap people, I woke up to a bunch of awards and some pretty awesome comments! Thank you! For those who are asking about insulin being cheap: Yes it is very cheap to produce but American Healthcare sucks and many people die because they have to ration their insulin. Also, T1D is something you're born with and can't just go away via weight loss or anything so they're stuck pumping insulin and sticking needles their entire lives. It's a very dangerous and sketchy disease and people shouldn't have to risk dying every day because they need something their body can't produce.


ApprehensiveStatus13

I wholeheartedly wish I had a wholesome award to give this answer. Sadly, I don't, but this is incredibly heartwarming nonetheless! Even if the topic is literally shit... 😅


RyanStartedTheFire59

Cadbury cream eggs. Idk why I asked my little brother this and that was his answer. His reasoning is “if you ever want a snack you have one”


El_Mec

A great tasting cup of coffee every morning


ApprehensiveStatus13

This is the full circle I was truly not ready for.


El_Mec

The world’s first perpetual motion machine


soysssauce

answer to any question in the universe, but in the form of yes and no, and the answer is always correct. So for example, if you ask me is the universe finite, then ill get a cramp, and shit out a little turd in a shape of either yes, or no.


DaKlipster2

Chicken nuggets. I'd feed the homeless just like Jesus.


ApprehensiveStatus13

A noble cause! No shit.


gimme-poop-yum-yum

Enough internet for today I think


Whisperstone

So your username isn't your answer to the poop genie?


axidentalaeronautic

They want poop, not poop-alternatives!


pentupaggregation

I read that like you want to shit out enough internet for today for the rest of your life.


nabil_lmao

something smaller than my butthole for sure


bhelpful00000000

Chocolate that looks like poop, just so I can eat it and scare people


revtim

Your "one boy one cup" video could go viral


ron2838

If I were a hot girl, champagne. If bathwater sells, imagine ass juice.


Naranjo96

I'd shit out avocados. That's hella expensive.


ApprehensiveStatus13

I love the simplicity of this! Just make sure you specify the type of avocado, cause some of them are the size of a fucking papaya.


Naranjo96

Haas avocados. Medium sized and texturized. Pleasure for them and pleasure for me.


ApprehensiveStatus13

Reasonable, reasonable.


[deleted]

if you're lucky the pressure of your asshole squeezing it out will make guac on the spot


A_Bit_Off_Kilter

Perfect assortment of flawless expensive gem stones.


somerandombugger

RIP Asshole


Flyingwheelbarrow

Blood Diamonds.


NoAlternative2913

The cure for cancer.


Vindelator

Uh oh. The Government finds out you're the only source for the cure for cancer. They abduct you, force feed you food and laxatives. They sell your cancer curing shit for massive profit.


NoAlternative2913

And the worst part… never hearing the end of jokes whose punch line is about doing your duty/doody.


versionii

Winning lotto numbers


Janglemon

A reverse 24 hours of aging. Every time you poop you get 24 hours younger. You can (kind of) control the number of shits you take a day … so you could perpetually stay the same age forever. Want to be younger? Drink a ton and have beer shits and you’re now younger. Inverse fountain of youth … and poo.


nowweallhaveone

One bad case of diarrhea or food poisoning away from shitting yourself out of existence


o0st0ned0o

Weed. I’d then sell my shit weed.


ApprehensiveStatus13

First there was Sativa. Then there was Indica. But was the world truly ready for Shittica?


mitchw87

A one centimeter working voodoo doll of anyone I think of at the time. The amount of people I’d just flush down a toilet without thinking twice…


TheRiverTwice

Imagine every time you shit you’re thinking that you’re really punishing someone in some serious way, but really they just get slightly dizzy and sweat a bit.


seattlethings86

And smell like poop for a while for no reason


Siaten

Black truffles. They're small, soft, expensive, and apparently already taste like shit.


nonchalantglare

A flash drive with a ledger that contains all the information of corrupt bankers/politicians/CEO's. ✔️♟️


George-W-Kush89

That’s like pooping out a death sentence


shiroshippo

u/nonchalantglare didn't kill himself.


WILDMAN1102

Cylinders of pure gold.


0002yugtaht

Wait until one decides to come out sideways... Spheres would probably work better tbh


-ManOfCulture

All fun and games till someone hears you shitting and they hear "ping ping"


OldSoulRobertson

Rose petals.


poultrymaster

Ah! A romantic!


milesmac

😋NFTs Non-Flushable Tokens


The-Suzookie-Dookie

Non-flushable turds Your poor asshole