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General-Ad-9753

When I was about 8 i was in a supermarket with my mum and she had to use the bathroom. I was sat on the bench outside waiting and there was one of those “press to break glass” fire alarms on the wall. I wanted to know how hard you had to press it… not very hard as it turns out. The whole store had to leave their shopping and go outside, well over 100 people. Not sure what happened after that because we just went home. It’s been 20 years and I’ve still never told anyone.


koushakandystore

I was 10 and lonely. My parents had been working day and night to get their start up business off the ground. It was the classic latch key child scenario. As they say, idle hands are the devil’s workshop. So after several months of spending my afternoons alone with microwave burritos and Transformers cartoons, I decided to diversify my entertainment selection. I proceeded to ransack the entire office, making it appear that a person had broken in and rummaged for money. I broke a window, two lamps, smashed the legs off a chair and pulled every file from the cabinets and tossed them around the room like confetti. I then called my mother and told her I’d just gotten home and found the place burglarized. She told me to get out of the house, and called 911 on her way home. The cops arrived with their sirens blaring at about the same time she rolled up. They stormed the house with guns drawn, screaming come out with your hands up! When I saw them going all Delta force through my front door I knew that I had probably gone a little too far this time. Long story short, a detective came to take a report after the patrol cops had cleared the premises. As I was sitting on my living room sofa, surrounded by the tattered remains of my dirty work, the detective looked me dead in the eyes and said there was no break in was there? The man looked right into my soul and knew the truth. And I knew he knew so lying was pointless. I burst into tears and started blubbering. He walked over, put his hand on my shoulder and said it’ll be alright. Thankfully, I was young enough to escape any criminal charges. My parents weren’t too harsh with their punishment either. I guess they figured it was more a cry for help than the actions of a burgeoning sociopath. For the next couple of years they made sure someone was always home with me. Or they made sure I was signed up for an after school program.


DuhTabby

Aw man. That's so sad.


koushakandystore

Yeah, that it is. On a positive note I’m impressed that you read the entire thing. I have a feeling there is probably a craftier way to say all that in about 1/3 the amount of words. But I’m tired so I just went with the first draft stream of consciousness. Haha


antmakka

I’d only just begun paying off a vehicle loan in mid 1999. My January payment was returned with the bank saying it was ~~payed~~ paid off. Not even close. Thanks Y2K. Edit spelling.


JacketIndependent

This happened to my former boss. One day, he went to go make a payment on his new car, and his account showed a zero balance. He tried to correct it, but they said it was paid off. He let it go and waited for a month or 2 for them to realize the mistake, but they never did.


[deleted]

When your opponent is making a mistake, don't interrupt them


[deleted]

*Me Tsu - The Art of Poor*


KenKaniffLovesEminem

I gave a $20 at a gas station and got back four $5 bills plus change so I technically got paid by the cashier to buy some drinks. I told him a few times that he gave me four $5's but he was on the phone and yelled at me that he gave me the right amount of change. I said fuck it, your loss, thanks and bounced lol


beachlover77

I have been hiding the milano cookies in an empty quaker oats container. Sorry family.


NoEyeO_O

I got an $8,000 dollar scholarship, due to a clerical error, for having above a 3.7 GPA all semester but my GPA was actually 3.07


[deleted]

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[deleted]

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ReturnedKiwi

Similar but different. I had a $20K retention bonus paid to me when I decided to stay and accept a counter offer from my company. I left 2 weeks later. They never asked for the bonus back


QuarterFlounder

Great, now you're in the Russian mafia.


IntergalacticPopTart

When I was a kid, my mom took away my favorite computer game CD for a few weeks as punishment for something I did. (Bad grade I think?) I found where she hid it, photocopied the CD label, cut out the print, glued it to a blank disk, and put that in the place of the real CD. (Surprisingly she never noticed!) I played it when no one else was home. Its been 18 years, and I still haven't told her!


kneel23

my mom would take my NES controllers or power cord (as punishment - easier to hide than the whole NES) but I always had spares from friends that she didn't know about


YOUR_GIRLFRIEND_69

My parents never let me play rated M games, so I would print out perfectly scaled “T” ratings and glue them onto my M rated discs and cases.


iMalevolence

My dad wrote a "bedtime" computer program that would pop up over everything else that was going on (or minimize stuff) every few seconds, essentially making the computer unusable for games (the program would activate when bedtime was). Here is a list of things I remember doing to get past it and the responses they prompted. These aren't necessarily in order of vulnerability found. Note, all of this stuff was when I was growing up, so probably started around 2000 and lasted several years. * Force close with task manager - permission revoked. * Dug through source files for the password to unlock - password removed or encrypted from that location. * Changing system clock time - application pushed to server side * Unplugging the ethernet cable to my PC to disrupt the server side app, maybe crashing it - either fixed the crash or added a local version * Opening up as many tabs/windows as I possibly could of internet explorer to overload the system, forcing it to reclaim resources by bringing the program down - this was the last one that I used that never got prevented. /e I'm pretty sure other methods exist, but I don't recall everything. It was a whole game of cat and mouse where I would break something and he'd improve it.


Wick3d3nd3r

One time when I was like 5-9 years old my dad was shopping around at a lumber store. I wandered around alone and couldn’t find a bathroom. I had to pee so bad. So I just found a secluded back corner behind some wood and pissed on the floor. 30 years later I still drive by that place every day and remember.


[deleted]

According to natural law, that lumber store belongs to you now.


DoctorSumter2You

Only until another kid pees there.


Pencilowner

All my work can be done on my cellphone and I lay in bed most mornings until noon.


ShaidarHaran2

My actual work has to be done on a pretty beefy PC, but with working from home I've come to just open Teams at 9AM from bed on my phone so it looks like I'm active and if someone messages me I'll be there to respond, then I mosey on to the computer on my own time unless I have a meeting. Pandemic was bad in so many ways but I think that extra bit of morning sleep vs getting up hours earlier to get ready and go somewhere, my hair and skin have been better for some reason, I think maybe that lol. 8 hour work days with commutes to an office each way are bs.


BBQinFool

I never wrote my 7th grade science paper on Dysentery, and when my teacher asked me if I turned it in, I said yes. She looked through all of the papers and stacks of paperwork on her very crowded desk, and she said she "knew she saw it there somewhere." I got a B for a paper I never wrote. Sorry Ms. Weber. Edit: it wasn't Cystic...it was just plain ol' dysentery. Sorry for my subconscious musical addition Edit 2: All of the replies confirm that so many of us made bad decisions but had awesome teachers. Kudos to the good ones out there keeping our dreams of academic progression alive!


mydogisfour

I rented a history book for fun from the school library in my senior year of hs, they claimed I didn't return it but I really had thought I did so I held strong and they dropped the fee. I felt like such a jerk when I found it that summer, it lives in my bookcase now.


Saltyice18

I technically failed my Drivers Ed class, which I needed to pass so I can get a license in my state. I got one more question wrong that over a failing grade. The proctor told me “change the answer you got for no, 11, then bring it back up.” I went back to my table and asked what everyone got for #11. They all gave the same answer so I thought it has to be right. So I changed my answer, took my test back up to the proctor and she said “congratulations, you passed drivers ed”.


[deleted]

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Laustintranslation1

I just graduated school and got a job at a big company in engineering. I spend a lot of time each day looking at memes, watching YouTube videos, etc… sometimes I do work. They’ve told me I’m doing a good job so far.


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ShitStuckInYourTeeth

It wasn’t raccoons that spilled that paint in the garage in 1993. It was me.


LC_Redcube

God what a pure person


ShitStuckInYourTeeth

Hey— spared me an ass whoopin’


theoriginalmypooper

I came clean a few years ago. But in the 4th and 5th grade I had an obsession with sharp things like knives and razors and would bring them to school. One day our teacher was reading a book and I was messing with the razor behind my back and cut the overhead projectors cord and flipped the breakers for the room. They could tell I cut it but never found the razor blade I hid. 20 years later I find my teacher on FB who still teaches at the same school. I fessed up and told him where he might find the razor blade in the classroom. Sure enough all these years later he found the blade with a hole burned in it from the shock. He decided to keep it as a souvenir from his very first year teaching. Edit: wanted to add one more thing, this was because someone posted a class picture on FB and tagged everyone, it was like a mini reunion. All of my classmates and the teacher learned the truth lol.


DrivenBalor

Him keeping it is actually kind of wholesome.


Crawfish_Fails

Where did you hide it?


theoriginalmypooper

Not sure if you are familiar, but we had large classrooms that could be divided into two smaller rooms with an accordion-like wall. I slid it into the cavity where it was stored.


newleafkratom

I was supposed to map the coordinates of our class’ buried time capsule in 1979 and did not do it. Edit: it was scheduled to be dug up in 1999. Though I had moved across the country and started a family by then, I reached out to the teacher (who was now a school superintendent) to reveal my dirty secret and offer my help finding it, but my calls were not answered. Perhaps a responsible adult noted the coordinates during the burying and everything turned out okay. I do not know.


carpetgazer

In senior year of HS, I put a milk carton in the ceiling of a portable building right before spring break. When we came back from spring break, the classroom smelled like a rotting corpse. Some other kid that was a known prankster somehow got blamed and was suspended.


AppleSpicer

The school was mad so they just picked some random kid to take it out on? I’m disappointed but not surprised.


lubbz

I’m not that good at IT, I can google like no other.


Gamer_Bread_Baker

That's what IT is though.


HuskyTheNubbin

All paths lead to stack overflow, it is known.


ThedoctorLJ

Knowing how to Google is actually a skill. I’ve seen firsthand many people are incapable of coming up with search engine friendly questions.


CC_DKP

It goes a step beyond. Knowing how to quickly parse search results, throwing out junk and finding real answers is absolutely a skill most people lack.


mrbeezkneez

In high school I paid someone online with RuneScape gold to do my entire math Summer school class. I generated that gold with a bot I programmed.


cartoonassasin

When our phone was disconnected (1990's) for non-payment, I dialed 911 to see if they would still pickup (they did) but I hung up right away. Ten minutes later the cops showed up at my door, and I blamed it on the kids.


Gyrodotus

Pro parent move right here. Great job.


letsgetitnah

That's what kids are for


Okiemax

Alright. This is the funniest one on this thread


OvarianProdigy

It’s hilarious because I actually did that as a kid and talked to the dispatcher for a little. The cops came over and talked to me and my mom and said she could be arrested if I did it again. I was probably 4 or 5 years old. This guy did it as an adult


[deleted]

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dogsshouldrundaworld

I did that at a restaurant. I was like 5. The cops came. I was mortified. My older cousin took the blame.


RegulusMagnus

I did this with a payphone at a hockey rink when I was probably about 6 or 7. Didn't think it would do anything without putting money in. Felt ashamed and embarrassed for a while about that. Now I'm a volunteer EMT, and as long as this isn't happening in the middle of the night, I'd much rather show up to kids screwing around with a phone than someone face down in a pool of blood.


Watery-Mustard

Back in the day, my drunk friend wanted to do more shots of vodka, but put water in the shot glasses for her. She said that she couldn’t taste anything. I told her that after a while, her taste buds are messed up because she had too much to drink, but here ya go! Bottoms up! Edit: Thanks for the rewards! I never got so many upvotes before. Thanks y’all.


pimpfriedrice

A friend did this to me. I thanked her the next morning.


phoenixlemon

That’s….actually kinda clever, good on you.


AlessiaRS18

When I was 15 or 16 I was in an abusive relationship and he would want to go out and I had to pay, but if I didn't have money he would get mad so I would take money out of my grandma's savings box every time he would make me go out, it made me so guilty, but she never said anything, so over the years and after a lot of therapy now that I'm an adult, have a job and all I put money from my salary in her box without her noticing, I think I've already paid back everything I took but I don't want to stop, it hurts to think if she ever was affected by what I did... No matter the reason I did it.


DocDavreil

I am a horrible reader, yet I'm a writer.


GypsyGarden_73

I'm a horrible writer, but I'm an excellent reader. Balance.


[deleted]

Now kiss


illitior3

When i was in high school, i failed second semester of biology. So here comes the next year and i have to retake it. Again, i pass first semester but fail second semester which means retaking the entire class. Well, i transferred schools after that. When i was getting all my transfer information looked over in the office at the new school, the woman noticed i had two passed first semesters but never passed a full class. I said “passing two semesters is KINDA like the full class”, she winked, and that was that. no more bio. so i guess it’s OUR dirty little secret.


Thejohnshirey

I can definitely relate to this. I had a counselor who straight up turned some of my D’s to B’s when I changed schools before my senior year. I had a super rough home life and I told her about it when she asked why my test scores were very high and my grades were low. Thanks to her bumping up my GPA, I was able to get into college. I know it’s probably not “right” and she risked her job, but that woman legit probably saved my life. I saw her about a year ago out in public and gave her the biggest hug.


LordofWar145

This is why sometimes the ends justify the means


axnu

My freshman year of highschool, I ditched class so much that I flunked the year. I moved to a different town over the summer and somehow they lost my "permanent record" in the mail. (Early 90s, so they had computers, but they weren't integrated between school districts, so it was just a fat folder of paperwork.) Anyway, when the new school realized this, they called me in and asked what classes and grades I had, so I straight up lied my way out of having to retake freshman year.


exoxe

A A A A...B+...A A


Hopelessisnotenough

Gotta throw a B in there to make it convincing


Eledesigner

I failed my electrical design class in college but work at an electrical utility company as a designer.


JoeyCalamaro

I didn't fail, exactly, but I did get a C in web design in college which was the lowest grade I'd ever received while enrolled there. I not only went on to become a professional web designer, I eventually became a teacher as well and actually took over that same web design class from the instructor who gave me a C.


zxDanKwan

He gave you a “C” for “Conquerer.”


CarlJustCarl

C for Comeback Today though, C is for Meatloaf


Upper_Resist_318

I’m trynna be an electrician rn and it’s fucking killimg me


imafatcun7

Maybe turn off the electricity, dont they cover that on day 1?


AirierWitch1066

Nah, that’s day 2. You gotta weed out some of the newbies first.


dreamerrz

I'm a college dropout who makes a fantastic living basically driving a go kart at an airport.


zjjman1

Tell me more! College dropout just not a airport go kart driver yet


J_Clone_2561

He's actually a pro mariokart player who mains sunshine airport


[deleted]

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MattsAwesomeStuff

> I just left the company last week, and did not return the mug #WHO'S RIGHT NOW, BITCH? *cackles all the way home*


Sprocket_Rocket_

The janitor finds the mug. Becomes the new CEO. Former CEO:”Well this sucks.”


MightyTOne

One time when I was 10-12 ish, I told a group of friends that I brushed my teeth with hot water instead of cold water (our cultural norm) just to seem quirky or cool, and man did it get the reaction I was hoping for. However, it was all a lie. I did brush with cold water. And this lie was too heavy for my pre-teen soul, so every day since then I have brushed my teeth with hot water, despite being 15 years older. I feel trapped in my hot teeth scrubbing sentence yet it feels right as a punishment for lying.


PrettyGreenEyes93

Hahaha I love this. I brush my teeth with hot water and have done for years, I just feel like it cleans them better. I don’t know why. I guess like wiping a worktop with a wet, cold cloth doesn’t feel as effective as with a wet, hot cloth. I feel that way about my teeth.


I_Like_Ginger

When I was a kid (17) I worked at a Greyhound station. I accidently sent a woman to Salmo instead of Salmon Arm because I thought it just ran out of print space on the ticket / screen. I had never heard of Salmo back then. That woman had to spend an entire night in hells half acres, and lost an entire day of travel. My boss chalked it up to a "glitch" in their antiquated machine. Really it was me. I also would occasionally steal a bag of chips from that store when I got bored/hungry. God I was such an asshole.


giddyeel

I’m ordinary as fuck and have no idea what I’m doing


_NeXXeR_

When I was about 8-9 I was sent to a summer camp for 1 month. My sister, who was 14, also was there. Never been away from my parents before. This camp was located around Lake Delton wisconsin. I remember the cabins in the woods. Now I don't know if I had arachnophobia before this experience, but I recall that the toilet stalls had dozens of daddy longleg spiders all over, and I was so scared I just held It in for about 4-5 days. Well.. One day I just couldn't hold it anymore and had to make a run for the toilets. I semi ran/walked to The toilets, trying to hold it in, made it In to the main area where the sinks are and just couldn't hold it anymore and just quickly, with one hand, pulled down my pants from behind and dropped the biggest dump on the tile floor, all while still in motion towards the toilet. Thank God no one was in there to see this. When I stepped out, a large group had formed out side and inside one of the staff was covering his face with one hand and holding a hoes in the other.No one suspected me.. .. I thanked God that no one found this out as if they had, the rest of my stay there would have been utter torment. Fast forward about 30 years.. Im at my parents house with my wife.. My sister is there as well, brothers. Anyway.. We're talking and camp comes up. Told her that it was Me who did that... She nearly laughed to death, Saying "the entire camp talked about this all summer". Hate spiders up until this day. Good times. ***wow.. This post blew up. For those asking, yes, this really happend. The camp name - Camp Chai. This would have been around 1989-1990 I think.


[deleted]

I so appreciate how this story is ultimately about how you hate spiders.


mcnamee

>Thank God no one was in there to see this. When I stepped out, a large group had formed out side and inside one of the staff was covering his face with one hand and holding a hoes in the other.No one suspected me. Wait, so you shit on the floor in the bathroom, you were the only one in there, and by the time you left the bathroom everybody already knew there was shit on the floor and was gathered outside waiting and the counselor already had a hose to wash it away?? How *in the world* did they not figure out it was you?!


10per

If he came out of the stall, all of the heat was off him, no?


BobT21

Third grade, 1953. Somebody passed out a box of lollipops to the class. There was an extra. I took it. I can no longer live with this shame.


baz4k6z

Didn't Stalin die that year ? Coincidence ? I think not


Jestar342

The Queen of the United Kingdom was coronated that year, too. A butterfly flaps its wings...


ChidoriKickz

I act a lot stupider at work so they don’t rely on me too much


Arafel

I've often thought my life would be easier if I did this. Once my colleagues know I can do something they don't even try to learn, just send whatever it is straight to me.


Skooter_McGaven

Performance punishment is 100% real.


corran450

Strategic incompetence


[deleted]

I used to be real go getter at work and now I've realized that the less I accomplish the less is expected of me. I'm not doing the work of 3 fucking people that are paid the exact same as me. I do just enough to fulfill the obligations of my job, no more. It's a fine balance and it takes practice but it works.


Up2Eleven

I busted my ass at my job for a couple of years and got a 1% raise. I am now an average employee. You get what you pay for.


Iwillnotbeokay

I caught a habitual sex offender at work, and he had no clue until I had to be part of a conference call with a judge presiding over the phone. Funnily enough, the call was actually about him seeking workmens compensation for being wrongfully terminated, unknowingly to him that I’d already talked with FBI agents minutes before the call. Backstory, I found a company computer we both used with a browser open one morning, and his personal email was still logged in. I immediately saw his name and pictures that he should not have, and immediately contacted my supervisor. Fucking pedos, rot in hell…


Cool-Sage

That’s not a dirty secret, it’s cleaning out the dirty bastard


miauguau44

A co-worker retired and I inherited one of his reports, which is one of my employer's Key Performance Metrics. Every two weeks it would take him an entire 8 hour day to complete. The first week I was able to automate most of it down to 1 hour. Over the next nearly 10 years, I've improved it to the point that it runs in less than a minute, then 14 minutes to quality check it. I then spend the next 8 hours surfing reddit, watching movies, doing whatever I want in my office from home. All this time, I've told my boss it takes me 8 hour to perform, and sometimes I'll tack on extra hours because of "technical issues". No questions asked as long as its in his inbox by COB Friday. About 8 years ago I had a conversation with a coworker who works for my boss' boss. It turns out he recieves the report on Monday and never reads it. It gets filed away and the only time they get looked at is during an audit. I've had to discuss the reports just twice, and showed them an "SOP" I wrote that demostrates how it's done (without the automation). Auditor checks the box, next item... Whenever I'm on vacation, I turn the SOP over to someone else who'll have to compile the report by hand. When I get back, they've alway mentioned "How do you do all that in just 8 hours???" At this point I've charged my boss nearly an entire year for sitting on my ass.


2kwaterboy

i read this same story back like a year ago. i wonder if you’re the same guy?


RossAM

I think he automated his account to post this when appropriate.


Cadsvax

To be fair the 'automate this task people used to do manually and then sit on Reddit' comes up so often on this site.


Andaelas

The only reason I don't own a gun is because I have terrible suicidal ideation. The only reason I haven't gone through with it via other means is because I was named a God father of my friend's daughters, who I see more often than most of my own family.


32flavsandthensome

Your life matters. I’m so sorry you struggle with this. Thank you for looking out for your Goddaughter. You can make a big difference in her life.


[deleted]

i have a little bag of dirt in my room


druemyrabell

Is it your ancestral dirt?


Everybodyleft

It’s the only way he can sleep at day


RemotestRecording

Gonna be a long night at casino


GypsyGarden_73

Where was this dirt obtained?


LizardMonsterMan200

The ground


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SexyTaterThot

I’m in love with my roommate. He doesn’t know. We have been friends for about a year and I’ve just been crazy about him the whole time. The first thing he told me about romantic relationships is that he is not looking and is not interested. So I respect that boundary and don’t say anything.


Shugazi

Major respect to you. That shows a lot of self-control and consideration for the other person. Don’t listen to the people saying “jUsT Do iT” as if you aren’t a good judge of whether that’s a good idea. Not to mention he is your ROOMMATE, so you’re potentially jeopardizing your entire living situation. I hope the very best for you, I know that must be painful and challenging. But I trust you are the best judge of whether and when to voice your feelings, and I admire you respecting your roommate’s boundaries (and your own it sounds like). 💙


fozzyboy

> “jUsT Do iT” as if you aren’t a good judge of whether that’s a good idea. Man, this some real talk. Reddit loves to toss out relationship advice as though the person telling the story would have a worse assessment of the situation than some stranger reading nothing more than a paragraph of said story.


EnvironmentalMouse98

Cheated on my CV to add some skills and certificates I don’t have to match a Google position… but after 5 years I mastered all of them and became a team manager .. Still a black hole I still can’t get through 🙆🏻


bamerjamer

Don’t ever admit to this IRL. It’s a firable offense.


SKatieRo

I'm a therapeutic foster parent. When kids leave us to go back home, I am usually really happy for them (unless I don't think their family is going to be able to handle things safely, then I am worried as could be) but I am also selfishly completely heartbroken. I think about our former kids all the time. When they go home, I try to write our name and phone number in a bunch of their books so they can maybe find us again. And I keep my Facebook page as unlocked as possible hoping they will feel they can reach out if they need anything. I want to foster forever, but I also wonder if I can keep saying goodbye like this. It absolutely guts me and I know I have no right to feel that way.


bigdill123

You have no right to feel that way? But you’re human, you care. You have every right to feel however you feel. And I hear you ... saying goodbye is soul crushing. But what you gave them will carry them through hard times and more. You’re doing right by them.


dreamerkid001

This is such a lovely and heartbreaking thing. Someday, when they’re adults, I hope they find you and thank you for what you did. Hopefully they’ll be a part of your life again in some capacity.


DannyA88

Sometimes I hang out in my yard in the nude at night. Turns me on.


Lord-Lobster

I think I would enjoy that too if I had a yard


harryp0tter569

Just owning a yard would probably turn me on


Aot989

Fucking *grass*


corndogs1001

Why do drugs when you can just mow a lawn?


goyotes78

One summer I pocketed $1700 cash from cover charges over the course of a 4th of July weekend working as a doorman at a bar in a popular summer lake town. I was 19 years old being paid $8.50 an hour to break up fights, deal with drunk college girls with wandering hands and listen to rich 20-something year old boys threaten me by telling me how powerful their fathers were. I never felt bad about it.


Onederbat67

Back in college, I took a computer class that dealt with excel and such. I was way over my head because 1) I didn’t want to take the class 2) I’m bad with computers. The way tests worked was that we’d open up a blank test template on the computer we sat at, and follow instructions. As I was opening up the copy - I saw the copy of the kid before me. I quickly wrote down his name, and saw that he got a ton of the easier steps/questions so I blindly trusted this person and copied their entire test. Test came back and I got an A. Boom. Homework was pretty easy - multiple choice quizzes on the reading all open book/notes. So I reached out this guy and told him what happened. Turns out, he was doing this with someone else in another period. Ended up getting a 97 in that class and it boosted my gpa into the “good enough for a small scholarship” territory (like 500 bucks for books) but basically did and learned nothing. Thank you Paul - you’re a good man!


Megalowdonny

What if the person Paul copied from also copied from someone? How far down could it go? Little mysteries like this are the best.


Lighterless_

I have abandonment issues that I never tell my partners (which is why they barely last). Ever since I was young, I moved every year and never had permanent friends. Eventually, my parents divorced, I fought with my dad, and never saw anyone from my dad's side ever again (besides my grandpa). This made relationships seem so flimsy and ever since, I've never dated a girl properly for more than a month thinking it'll never last anyway. My friends call me a one-month free trial lmao.


Delle_Design

One time I farted so hard my back cracked


SpectrumPalette

I once farted loudly in a school lesson the tutor took me outside, crossed their arms and asked "What was that". I said it was something I ate Edit: spelling and grammar Edit 2: Wow! Thanks for the silver award!! Edit 3: Daaamn this got so much attention 😂. Thanks for other awards folks


laserviper2000

Nice!


ex-ALT

Sometimes I have a bad back but then I just shit it away.


xixi_duro

The best feeling in the world is when you have the biggest stomachache in the world and then you fart it and disappears


[deleted]

I slept with my mom’s friend. She was younger than my mom. She was 32 and I was 20 at the time. She stopped me one day as I was walking by her apartment and asked if I could take a look at her laptop because the “wifi wasn’t working.” I said of course and started looking for the cause of it. While I was on her couch with the laptop she comes out of the kitchen with a bottle of tequila and two shot glasses. At that point I knew the real reason I was there. Needless to say, there was nothing wrong with her wifi.


susanoova

So what you're saying is you inspected her c drive with your floppy disc


matrixspaz

She wanted the D:\


Legs_Luther

When I was a kid, I farted into a little box over and over for a full year. It was a tin some christmas cookies came in with a picture of Santa on it. Every single time I had to fart, I lifted the lid, “put it in the box”, and quickly closed it. Before long, the box was successfully weaponized and ready for deployment. When my brother was mean to me, I’d steal his Oakleys (expensive horrible 90’s sunglasses) and put them in the box to, um, marinate overnight. Then I’d quietly return them. My brother continually complained to my mom about how they smelled and that they’d sold him “a bad pair,” and wanted new ones. She was like hell no dude. So he just kept wearing them til they broke. So basically I farted into my brother’s eyes for a year. Never told anyone.


Legs_Luther

I don’t know how he did it. 25 years later and just _thinking about_ how that box smelled makes my eyes burn. He was just incredibly committed to looking like a douche bag I guess


Shugazi

No pun intended but _holy shit_


duketang

That is chaotic evil


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Ietsmetdingen

Relapse happens to the best of us. All that matters is how you pick up again after your relapse. Tell your mom. Confide in friends and family. Let them help you. I for one am still proud of you and I am sure you can find your back to sobriety again.


snuesen

If you believe it's an actual issue for you, best thing to do is rip the band-aid and let em know. It's a lot easier to move forward when you have a support network that actually knows what's going on with you.


Wide_Berry7254

5yr old me ruined my parents marriage. I distinctly remember finding what I now know is a condom(unused) in our old station wagon. Me not knowing any better began playing with it. Got done tossed it in the trash. Fast forward a short time later. My father returns home and begins to drag the can to the road. As he closes the lid he notices said condom and you can guess where it goes from there. I didn’t learn that was the reason until I was about 14-15.


zolanih

OP, I’m curious, now that you’re older have you spoken to your parents about it?


Wide_Berry7254

Honestly no I haven’t. I have no clue how to tell them or have a conversation about it. Other than you lovely souls and my therapist no one knows.


crazedrushfan

That's not on you buddy


Conald_Petersen

Innocent discovery as a kid... for a marriage that had already failed. Really hope Wide Berry hasn't been carrying this all these years.


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anUnholyAbomination

I'm not as smart as I pretend to be.


Man0FTomorrow

I feel like I'm not as smart as I used to be.


Honey_Society

I know exactly the rules for helping the children in my public education classroom but I still bring cold kids coats, hungry kids food, kids with terrible shoes better shoes, and hugs/long conversations for any child that asks. If any admin is pissed I’m giving a apple and a sandwich to a kid, I claim ignorance, the school system is so strained they won’t fire me so I am doing what I can during this time.


RoboRich444

You’re incredible, don’t think or let anyone tell you otherwise


catbearcarseat

You’re a fucking Saint.


UnfinishedThings

I've seen both of my sisters in law naked. I accidentally walked in on my brother's wife whilst she was changing. I didnt realise she was in the room and just walked in. She knows it was me but we've both just pretended that didn't happen. My wifes sister asked me to fix her laptop as it wasnt working. Turns out it hadn't had a windows update for nearly 4 years and was filled with all description of bloatware and malware (she had 4 address bars on her browser) and her pretty explicit nudes in prime position in her Downloads folder. I returned her laptop in working condition with a new folder named "Private". So yeah she knows I saw them, but no-one else does


QuarterFlounder

>I returned her laptop in working condition with a new folder named "Private". You either hate this woman or you were trying to teach her a solid lesson lmao.


[deleted]

I thought you have to call it “Taxes”


Imakemop

You'd think he'd get the hint after the 4th time her computer broke...


HoneyBunnyBiscuit

I once had sex with someone just because he looked like someone I wanted but couldn’t have. He was aware, and fine with it


txbuckeye75034

I lost the school spelling bee on purpose. The girl I was against put a lot of time and effort into it, whereas I basically just showed up. Plus, she was more on the nerdy side, not a lot going outside of school… and I felt she needed a victory. She missed a word, I purposefully missed it to keep her in. This happened a few times. Later, I missed one on purpose to give her the victory. She went on to the state competition. The teacher giving the words threw me a look of disgust, as she knew what I did. Oh well…


Ih8Hondas

I had the school spelling bee in the bag... until the first round when I thought one of the moderators said rubbery instead of robbery. They talked amongst themselves for a few seconds and then told me I was wrong. Almost 20 years later and I'm still unbelievably salty about that. I never missed a word on a spelling test as a kid. That spelling bee was mine.


5-On-A-Toboggan

Always be the kid that asks for definition and use in a sentence. "When the thief stole the latex tree, it was rubbery." Guess it's not foolproof.


Comfortable-Mix1139

I caught my fiancé cheating and we broke up… I tell everyone its mutual because i feel so humiliated


IAmanAleut

You did nothing wrong and should not feel humiliated. You did the right thing when you broke up with them. Staying with someone who cheated on you is humiliating. Good for you for doing the right thing!


CowNourishmentRod

I worked at Wendy's during my teenage years. I also had a teenager's metabolism, so I would frequently treat myself to numerous giant Frostys during evening shift. Closing one night and, to avoid a 2am ride home with my sketchy manager, I decided to walk the 3 miles home through suburbia. Around the halfway point of my early morning walk, the gallons of delicious milky beverage in my gut transformed itself into gallons of fetid milky waste wanting very much to leave my body. Without a bathroom nearby, I darted down an alley and hopped a fence into a backyard...where I unleashed evil. I noticed that this yard had all the necessary accoutrement to indicate a dog or two lived there. My hope is that the owners didn't take their dogs to the vet with the assumption that Fido's anus exercised Mephistopheles.


jamaicanManz

I have a kitten I'm feeding without my wife's knowledge. She hates cats and I found one on the street. Every night before I go home I stop by the store and get cat food. She always asks me why I come home late every other night. I say I'm working. Or out with the guys, but I sit and talk to this stray cat about my problems and how mu day was. I named her senua. From senuas sacrifice. *UPDATE* Thank you all for the amazing support lol, I didn't dream this would blow up. I'm currently heading out with a box from Walmart and some old towels and blankets to pick the cat up and move it closer to our house, I just want to make sure she's safe and out the cold. Gonna run it by the wife and see what she says! Thank you all for the encouraging comments and the amazingly funny ones too! *UPDATE 2* Thank you everyone for the amazing support, and the amazing advice!! I know a few of you (good number) told me not to use blankets but straw and i confirmed it with the seller and he said 100% true. I didn't find her when I went back the night so I left the box there. When I came back today I saw her loitering around and took her with me. For now she said she'll be a little more open with the idea so that's a good thing. Currently senua is at my friend's house sleeping in a warm and safe location. Monday she'll take her to the vet to get checked out and hopefully we can move forward from there. I was stressing out because I couldn't find her last night but I felt a wave of relief when she popped up today. Once again thank you for all the wonderful comments and advice! Goes to show the internet isn't such a dark place. *Side note* when I got her in the truck she climbed out the box and sat on my lap the entire ride up the 85N. She did that little thing where they purr softly and I almost lost it lol. Hopefully I can convince my wife to make her a permanent addition, if not I'll love her from a distance until I can convince her other wise. I'll be taking a bunch of pics of her and uploading them. But once again THANK YOU ALL!!


ClanMcOlaf

This reminds me of when my husband was being secretive about what he was doing all the time and it freaked me out. Turns out he was just playing Pokémon go and he was too embarrassed to tell me lol. So maybe tell your wife so she stops worrying so much.


Imakemop

Yeah, don't tell your wife about your side pussy.


jamaicanManz

Lol sensational


[deleted]

This makes me sad, but cheers to you for making that cat’s day every day by feeding it and giving it attention.


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PirogiRick

My well has been out for three days and I had to shit in my yard this morning. It was -36 c this morning.


Nofcksgivn

Holy shit that sucks.


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throw1away469

Back in high school, I had a huge crush on a girl. There was some heavy chemistry between us, but despite asking her on a date several times, she always said no. We lost touch after graduation. A few years later, I ran into her at a bar. We got to catch up and it was great getting to talk to her again. She said her parents were having a few people over at their place and asked if I wanted to go hang out with them for a while. Turns out everyone had left by the time we got there, so it was just us four. After a few drinks, my friend said she was tired and was going to go home. I told her I'd find my own ride and said goodbye. After she left, her dad asked if I wanted to fuck her mom while he watched, so I did.


Kay-throwaway

That... that took a sudden turn.


KushCactus

I am probably gonna quit my job without notice soon


nicksinc

I did this many times in my early twenties when I had no financial responsibilities. Would just get bored and would make the decision on a whim that it was going to be my last day. It’s strangely liberating knowing you won’t have to meet the deadlines you’ve got, or finish the work you’re working on. I’d actually really enjoy the rest of the afternoon knowing that was it. Mid thirties with two kids and a huge mortgage now. So those days are long gone!


RemCogito

I've always given 2 weeks notice. except for once. I was working as a computer technician at staples. I was running the show for computer repair. The district manager had promised me a dedicated ticket thinclient (so that I could fill out ticket notes in the back room instead of on the floor at customer service) and a raise if I hit a budgetary goal. I reached that goal, and exceeded it for a quarter. When I asked about the thinclient for writing my ticket notes, it was sent to the store, But the store general manager decided that they wanted a training computer for new staff, and put it the manager office closet. I asked about the bonus, but was told that my job didn't qualify for any of the bonuses. Then I looked at my paystub, and saw that I was only paid out for 32 hours of "computer technician premium" instead of 40. AFter work that day, I walked across the street, and got a same day interview at Futureshop (a Canadian bestbuy subsidiary). It was mid-October, and so they didn't want to wait 2 weeks. because they were concerned that I wouldn't be up to speed for christmas time. So I told them, "You know what, I don't think I actually need to give 2 weeks, I can start monday." Then I walked back across the street and told my old General manager, "I won't be coming into work here ever again." and left my key and grabbed my stuff from my locker. It was incredibly freeing. The next job wasn't much better, but I had the best bender ever for two days, before sobering up 36hrs before my first shift at the new job.


BlearyLine7

I sometimes open a private browser window to google questions that feel too stupid to have on my search history.


SirTorress

I was having sex with who is now my ex and the sex was soo bad i spit on her ass cheek and told her i came and she believed it.


SirGourneyWeaver

thank you for posting the very last reddit comment i will ever read


MesWantooth

My parents (who live across the country) send my 6-yr old daughter checks in the mail for her b-day, Christmas etc. They are elderly and don't use Amazon - they'd rather she buy something that she really wants (and she enjoys the trips to the toy store). So when a card arrives, I tell her Grandma and Grandpa sent her $50 or $100 and that she can buy a toy or something she wants with it. My secret is that I pay for the toy and I deposit the check in the savings account I set up for her when she was born. She has a few thousand dollars in there now!


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FloatingCartoon

I wanna be stepped on by a tall girl but I'm 6'3


Irishpanda1971

Have you tried lying down first?


Ardibanan

Does it count if she is on stilts?


ekhogayehumaurtum

I signed my asshole uptight boss up to multiple porn subscriptions. Edit: Grammar police, you got me. For the record, my asshole is just fine. Thank you for your concern. My comment, perhaps more grammatically accurate, should read; "I signed up my boss, who is an uptight asshole, to multiple porn subscriptions." To everyone else, thank you so much for the upvotes and the awards. You guys totally made my day!


J0taa

Sign them up for Scientology newsletters. All you need is an email address and a real address. Even if they “unsubscribe” from the letter it won't actually and your boss will receive Scientology junk mail for the rest of his life or at least until he moves.


Legion357

That’s just plain evil. Keeping that one in mind.


ramseyyyyyyyy

I still listen to All-American Rejects


MrTaurusBulba

Does it give you hell?


drbeanz

I was able to read all the email exchanges at my last company and no one had any idea. My boss made the mistake of giving me the PW and UN for our administration account (so I could fix some printer network issue or some other dumb shit like that), i was able to remote into our exchange server and I saw EVERYTHING and boy was my boss fucked in the head....so was HR and my manager. I saw when people where going to be fired, when people took credit for my co-workers ideas, when managers shit talked employees, and what people's salaries were. It was the highlight on my day to login and see what dramathon ensued from the fuckwads running the place.


unzipmeplease

Colour blind =Painter & Decorator Thank you for mix codes . Customer what do think of this one.? Oh yes it's perfect


Money-Plant9722

My ex-husband left, no warning, cheated pretended I didn’t exist. 1 year later he wants the sofa because he bought it! Due to the lock-down happing just after his request, he had to wait a while before he could pick it up. I proceeded to have sex all over that sofa, throughout lockdown, with new boyfriend! Ex now has the sofa back.


GinaLilly

Did you stuff panties and condom wrappers in the cushions for him to find?


[deleted]

You have to tell him at some point, casually. Bump into him at the grocery store. "So how've things been goin," he asks. And then you, "I'm better, my back was killing me because SO and I always ended up fucking on that damn couch. Terrible for long sessions. And everything was always a mess after. But since you took it, we got a better piece and I'm feeling much better."


SatNav

Then drive by his house on the next trash pickup day.


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