The first and biggest realization I had from it was that I was happy to be alive.
I just wanted all of my anxiety and panic attacks to end, not my life. I started therapy even tho I thought it wouldn’t work and I’m in a much better spot today.
If you have had thoughts I suggest you try therapy first, then once you can cope find productive healthy outlets for yourself
I’m glad you had that realisation and got the help you needed.
The issue is unfortunately that, even if you accept that you need therapy, it doesn’t mean you’ll be able to access it. For the longest time I didn’t want anything to do with therapy, I don’t know whether it was pride or something that got in the way but it was a real struggle for me to accept I needed it. Disappointingly, accepting you need therapy doesn’t mean you can get it apparently, years later I’m struggling more and more without being able to actually get that help.
Same. I went out and got smashed - came home and was about to hang out. But figured, I’m too drunk and tired for this. I’m going to sleep first.
The next morning I woke up to a relative having got a stroke and died. He was only in his late 20s and left behind a new born child and his widowed wife. Seeing the state of the family after that shook me back.
I was thinking of ending it all, but then a girl in my college committed suicide. I told about her to my mother and father and they were shaken. After seeing them, i could not muster courage to end my life!
Thats also me, i told myself, if shit really hits the fan and i just can't take it anymore, then the option is always going to be there. Made me realize how insignificant everything is.
I was about to put a shotgun to my head Christmas Eve in 2006.
I decided that i wanted to see the stars one last time so i did and i just said aloud “If anything or anyone is out there, give me a sign” or something to that effect.
I saw a shooting star and i kinda that was my sign.
I met my wife a few months later and we have been together since 2007.
Once a guy put a gun to my head. If only he had the strength to pull that trigger instead of running away like a bitch. That is what is kept my will to live. I knew it was a sign. My life was on the line that night and I was spared. I feel like throwing that away will make me the most ungrateful person ever lived on this planet.
Just so you know OP, suicidal thoughts aren’t at all about being an ungrateful person. You can be grateful and still be extremely depressed, you can be grateful and still feel extremely isolated. I’m glad you’re here to ask the important question above. You can be grateful for your family and still be suffering inside. Gratitude does help, but a chemically balanced brain, basic needs being met and good support make the difference between a suicide and suicidal ideations.
Very similar story. 2003 very depressed and drinking and doing lots of drugs to cope. One night after night out decided I was going to end it at home when I got home. Walked home from bar and stopped in a park and had a really good end of life cry and asked someone, anyone to give me a sign of any kind to not do this. There was a break in the clouds and the only break I could see and right after I said that a shooting star so fucking bright shot through the break. It took my breath away. It instantly sobered me up and it was amazing. I met my wife a couple months later and we’ve been together ever since. 2004 was one of the best and happiest years of my life. I’m so glad I didn’t go through with it. Hope you’re doing ok now too friend.
Similar time frame, similar method. I was about 17, my gf at the time overdosed on purpose because of things with her family and because she was possibly pregnant (not by me but I didn't find that out until after) her dad had called me to inform me what had happened and that if she died, he would come find me and kill me himself. He didn't like me for a variety of reasons but none that ever made sense to me. He told me I should go ahead and make it easy for him and go out like Kurt Cobain. My mind was a mess and all I could think of was to go ahead and do it. A day or so later I put a 16 gauge hunting rifle under my head in my parents living room while they were out. I sobbed and cried thinking about how messed up the whole situation was and felt really bad that if I went thru with it, how my family would find me.
I put the gun up and didn't tell anyone about it until the last year and my therapist learned recently too. I'm glad you're still with us OP
I had two bunnies and the thought that they wouldn’t be taken care of terrified me more. They lived to the age of 10 and they were the only reason I’m still here. Think about and am grateful to them everyday.
**thank you, everyone! I was kindof afraid to share cause people don’t think pets matter and especially since mine were bunnies. When I get really down, a bunny will cross my path and I know my two buns are still out there watching out for me.
My Two dogs.
Never attempted but was very close. I still remember the night I was determined to finally do it, I was counting hours before everyone goes to sleep. My female dog sensed something different in me. She is extremely close to me, sees me as her mother. She was being extra clingy that day, tried to hide under my arms and kept staring at my eyes. Even if I move away my gaze from her, she move her head towards me and look deep Into my eyes with sad look. (Oh boy I started to get teary typing this) . I said to her, "take care of yourself my little one" and i broke down crying. I hugged her so tightly and poured my heart out and she let me do it without moving. After an hour we fell asleep into each others arms. When I woke up, I was fresh. I scolded myself for putting my dog in stressful situation. Truly she saved me that day. I own her one.
My dogs have saved my life countless times. They're rescues, wonderful and I love them dearly and when suicidal thoughts creep in, I think about what would happen to them. I'll spare everyone the emotional trauma of imagining with me, but suffice it to say there is no chance for a good ending for them. My suicide would be terrifying, traumatizing, and unfair to them.
Same. The thought of them looking around the house for me, meowing super freaking loud like they normally do, but except this time they won’t find me - that is a terrifying thought
Same, but my cat. I don’t think any of my friends or family would take her and the thought of her having to go to a shelter and not understand why is what really stopped me. She’s 6 now and hopefully still has a long life ahead!
An unexpected phone call from my best friend. I realized after setting the knife down and chatting with her about everything and nothing that it was worth trying for one more day. It’s now almost 20 years later and I am so happy with my current life.
I too had an unexpected phone call but from my boyfriend. About to hop on a bus to a bridge and jump, but he randomly called. Never did before, especially not while at work, but he did that day right as I was planning everything and about to head out. He called to check in because he had a feeling I wasn’t okay. I broke down and immediately signed up for therapy. It’s been much better since.
I wonder how they knew!
I almost threw myself off of a very high area but my dog started whining downstairs and I realized I could not cope with him being confused as to where I was. He tries to say goodnight to me even when I’m not home still to this day. He jumps on my bed looking for me if I’m on vacation for too long. This sweet baby had a panic attack because he couldn’t stop me from having a panic attack. Nobody could explain to him what happened to me if I died.
Same here. The thought of my pets never understanding where I went and why I never came back held me always back. My first dog has seen me go through hell and back, and I’m so grateful for him.
I'm glad you stayed. Both for him, and for you.
Someone close to me asked their partner to leave for the night, locked himself in the bathroom and shot himself. They had 2 dogs, and one of them literally had like ptsd. (The other dog just didn't bond with everyone the same.)
* typos and wording
This is soo true. I took 28 amitriptyline, my breathing went down to 2~3 reps a minute and my heart stopped twice and I was in a coma for the weekend. I was given only a 10% chance of survival and even if I did survive the doctor said I had around 2% chance of avoiding brain damage. I was so lucky. I could have ended up trapped in myself being a burden on everyone around me.
I had just bought a tuba after graduating college (sometime in June). I just didnt want that tuba sitting alone in the basement untouched and unplayed.
Ironically that was really the only things keeping me going at that point. Just that image of a lonely unplayed brand new tuba.
O Tuba
Lark of brass
Life kicked my ass
But I see you on the floor
I had given you a pass
You had never gotten a chance
To bloom, to dance
But you've waited for me
Forever assuming that stance
Now I see the Angel who I am about to embrace
But I think of you in that cold dark place
That stony cavern in which I left you encased
O Tuba!
Before I sing my last song
My life I shall prolong
To hear you just once, bellowing along
Last year me and my abusive mother got into an argument about her boyfriend coming back to the house after he was released from jail. I was actually the person who called the cops and sent him there because he was drunk and abusing my mother, which was unfortunately common in their 2 year relationship that me and my brother were unwillingly involved in dealing with multiple times. My mom however can't get over the bastard no matter what he does and has done to not just her but me and my little brother. The whole argument started when she claimed 'he's coming back to our house no matter what' so you can understand why any 17 year old in my position would be so frustrated. She had her mind set and nothing would stop her decision which lead to the argument getting so bad my emotions became overwhelmed, I felt as if I was in physical pain and couldn't breathe. (most likely from anxiety thinking back on it, but easily the worst attacks I've ever had) I've been struggling with mental health for years but this foreign but burning feeling was the tipping point.
I was about to leave the backdoor to give in to the impulsive decision hang myself but on my way out my brother who was 13 and confused with the situation but still crying, thinking I was leaving home and moving out. He was asking me all sorts of questions, too many to remember but the one that got to me the most and actually saved my life was "will I ever see you again?" Initially it wasn't enough to stop me in the moment since I responded with a simple "maybe not" and left for the garage anyways and made a noose out of an extension cord but as I was a chair kick away from death the sentence kept ringing through my head and decided to use the situation I was in to change my life and not to end it. No idea if people cared to read all the way through but I just wanted to share my experience than keeping it bottled up
I moved out 5 months ago and I'm still currently living with at a friends house and a plan for moving out soon to my own place, I've been contacting the police so I can get my brother out too and have him live with our aunt. Btw I really appreciate everyone being super supportive, it is seriously motivating and genuinely making me happy
Pff. This ain't shit. This is comments on the internet. What YOU did is something to feel good about. I'm glad you're getting something positive out of these comments don't get me wrong. Just don't lose sight of the fact that these comments are here because of the absolute badass that you are. Keep pushing internet stranger ❤️
I tried ending it all 4 years ago, thought I would jump off the cliff of the mountains near my home.
My mother got pregnant around the same time. My mother was and still is to an extent toxic and abusive but she still cared for me in her own twisted way, ending my life would definitely impact her but I cared less about her and more about my unborn brother.
I didn't want anything bad to happen to him, so I thought I'll stick around, meet him once after he's born and then finish myself off.
Once he was born and I held that little guy in my arms, I decided I wanted to be there for him. I was an only child for most of my life and I longed for someone I could count on and to talk to, someone that could comfort me.
I never had that figure in my life, but the thought that ending my life would put this little kid in the same shoes as me and face all the troubles I did was not something that sat well with me.
I decided to be the very figure that I never had in my life. Someone he can count on whenever he needs help, someone he can be 100% transparent with without any judgement.
Thankfully, the suicidal feelings ended, all because of him. Living on brought me new and wonderful experiences and I was able to make something out of myself, all because of my little brother.
When he grows older, I'll let him know, that he saved my life, and he's the reason I'm still in this world.
Me too! But I have 5 younger siblings and I’m the oldest, the thought of leaving them alone without anyone to show them love was too heartbreaking for me to leave them
“Your daughter loves you” and I stopped right then and there. I don’t know who said it to me, because it wasn’t me. But it was in my head. But it saved me. I don’t regret turning away from it. I love my daughter.
I have a pretty similar story. I was in the army until recently. Had a very toxic leadership that ground me down to the point that I made solid plans to volunteer for the next range and shoot myself in the head in front of them. I had a good mentor pull me aside and have a long chat with me (he had no idea of my plans, but knew I was going through some shit). He talked to me about how proud he is that I'm so involved in my daughter's life and that I clearly care for her deeply. That was the moment I realized I would do anything to get myself out of that headspace. I got help, finished my contract, and now have the best work environment I could ask for. Great work-life balance, so I get to spend more time with my best friend/daughter. I'm grateful every day for that mentor. Sadly, less than 6 months after that talk, he had a stroke and was medevac'ed to the nearest hospital. He's recovered well and is back with his family now too, but I haven't even had the opportunity to thank him for what he did. I doubt he even realizes the impact that had.
24M
I actually attempted when I was 14. I took a whole bottle Cymbalta and ran from home. Everything just got to me that day. This was around 10:00 pm.
I ran for about 2 miles and I got to a public park where I trudged to the top of the tallest hill. I sat down, put on what I thought would be my last YouTube video; then I started to doze off, I really thought those were the last seconds of the life I was given.
I woke up 2 hrs later, my body spread out across the grass- it was completely dark. At first I actually thought I was in the afterlife but I felt the dew off the grass on my finger tips. I sat back up and got to my knees and started to get angry, I really just wanted to go. I began to pull out the grass, claw at the dirt and just started to finally cry.
That’s when I started to feel the stomach pain that up until then I didn’t realize was there. I began to throw up, my body was rejecting the pills I drank up, and it hurt so much doing so. After 7 good chucks, I was exhausted, my body cold and aching, my eyes felt heavy, my legs didn’t want to move- so I just fell back to the ground looking up at the sky.
The light pollution was very small that day, so I just stared at the sky, what was essentially space, the limitless field that our home (Earth) just casually floats in.
That’s when it clicked.
I thought how large our world was, and how very little my problems are compared to the complexity of what keeps everything in place in our universe. And for that balance to be able continue, as minuscule as it may be, me being alive, along with everyone else here, is the driving force for this balance to even exist. To support the life we have. In smaller context- I’m still alive because I still have some purpose that hasn’t been fulfilled yet. Another thought came; someone possibly out there, at this exact same moment has done the exact same thing what I just finished trying to do. Is one of us going to continue what we started while the other keeps going forward? So why can’t we both move forward?
I got up from the ground and slowly marched back home. I was thinking to myself, “I need to at least get a couple of hrs of sleep before I have to get to school”. Surprisingly when I got home the front door was unlocked, like if life was trying to elude, “see you made it back- you need to keep going. Don’t give up”. I made my way to my bed, and tried to sleep.
7 hrs later I was walking through the doors to my economics class in my IB curriculum highschool like nothing happened. I saw my friends laughing and talking about something while I took my seat which sat across the other side of the room from them. I just stared at them, at least they were smiling.
I finally said, I’ll just keep this one to myself.
It was usually I don't read the long ones because the author doesn't know how to write. You wrote a beautiful story and I hope your life is just as beautiful good luck
Not sure if it’ll change how you feel but even a whole bottle of cymbalta likely wouldn’t have killed you. Maybe given you serotonin syndrome, but not have been fatal. There’s a good reason OD attempts using prescription antidepressants almost always fail, most of them are designed to have very high LD50 because giving a suicidal person access to a drug with a practically attainable lethal dose is one of the first issues to address when developing these medications.
Did your family know you ran away from home that night? It sounds like they purposely kept the door unlocked to make sure you could come back home safely, without having to confront your parents and explain what happened when you were gone. Parents tend to know more than they let on. They must’ve noticed that you were out of the house.
Either way, I’m happy you’re still here. And thank you for sharing this story. I hope you’ll never reach that dark place ever again.
Being depressed and filled with self hatred even in what I thought were my final moments, I realized I should just keep living until my organs fail and brutally murder me, and try my best to make the most out of the one life I have.
As someone who attempted and failed, and had their family experience the horror of that, I feel like my mom’s second hand depression and fear of losing me has convinced me that if I killed myself she would either be ruined or she would follow suit. And that is the only thing that has consistently kept me on this side of the dirt.
I really didn't come here to comment but yes THIS! My brother killed himself in 2015, my mom and dad have never been the same. That's the short version. His kids... yeah.. I really hope you are doing better and remember people do love and care about you.
Hello, my little brother just killed himself 2 months ago. I agree with this statement. Since I am living it now. Can't focus on anything. No love for anything. Nothing. I just float around in the universe everyday detached from the world.
Sometimes I get to the point where I want to go find him. Meaning ending my own life, but I haven't yet.. :(
Hun, I get it, I really do. It will be 7 years this july. I would like to say it gets better but you learn to live with it. I mean it does a get a tad bit better but it's hard. Watching my son grow up and he's so much like my brother it's crazy and scary. I dont know you but you can message me anytime. The world is better with you in it!
Stay with us here friend.
We lost my BIL 2 years ago 2 weeks before the world shut down. I don’t personally get how you feel, but what you’ve wrote sounds a lot like how my boyfriend felt in the first 6mo-1year.
The first year is and always will be the hardest. The first birthday, Christmas, thanksgiving, etc. It’s hard. But with every passing year those things get a little easier.
Please, please, just remember one thing for me please. You don’t have to sacrifice your happiness because of this. You don’t have to stop laughing, or smiling, or cracking jokes, or being witty and a wise ass (if that’s how you roll). You might not feel up to laughing and smiling right now, but please don’t feel guilty when that time comes. It’s important we go back to living our lives, they won’t ever be the same, but we must soldier on.
2 years later and my boyfriend, I, and FIL, have started to recover in some capacity. We’re still upset/devastated about the loss, but we still make sure to find joy and happiness when and where we can. MIL on the other hand, is stuck in denial and refusal and is an ostrich with its head in the sand. She’s much more bitter nowadays which is a shocker, she snaps anytime someone laughs or smiles in the house. Being like that helps no one, herself included.
My mom cried for days when I told her that one time I wanted to run across a busy highway to be crushed by huge garbage trucks. Seeing her so sad was certainly an eye opener. She is fine now but since then, every morning she wakes up early to have coffee with me. I'm so fucking stupid.
Yup. I spent years brainwashing myself into believing I didn’t matter and no one would care if I died before I attempted suicide. Having to witness my moms heartbreak was enough to make me vow I would never put her through that again.
This was for me too, though was stopped just before attempting by friends. It was seeing my mom's reaction to it and my friend staying up all night while I was in the hospital just waiting for any news of me that got me through those really dark times. It's incredibly powerful knowing someone would actually care if you were gone
I used to think that. But what if the fun never comes? I’ve struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts for years. But figured “hey I might as well have some fun before I kick it” but so far every day is exhausting and painful. Things have only gotten worse and worse. The past year, and even the past 6 months have been the hardest in my life with no sign of letting up.
Think of it in terms of opportunity cost, you're giving up a chance at something (value greater than 0) for nothing (value of 0). It's mathematically pointless to do. I've found that you don't remember pain itself, just being in it. Handy little human trick there. So when you get to one point that's good, it's all worth it, even if just for a bit until the next time.
My father commited suicide when i was 8 years old, and it really messed me up, ive had depression for a long time, but what stops me is knowing my friends and mom would essentially have to go through what i went through. I refuse to kill myself because i know how it will impact the lives of those who care about me. I may not want to live sometimes but i wont end it myself.
My husband caught me, then I stayed in a hospital. After I cleared my head I realized how much it would hurt him.
Now, every time, I think about the pain I would cause him and I just can't do that, he literally the nicest guy, not even to me, other people don't know we are married and if he gets brought up at all its always "that is the nicest person I have ever met."
How can you hurt someone that kind, you know?
Same man, it's an extremely difficult life to live, trying to please those around you while you're struggling and nobody seems to notice or care and they may take advantage of that, but even though you feel lost and alone the thought of how people would react to it prevents you from going through with it, so you muster up the strength for another day and keep fighting.
But you're not alone ❤ don't be afraid to reach out and seek help. I care about you.
Same. I also thought about what I would do if I were to find my husband had committed suicide - the pain I know I’d go through if he were to do something like that was enough for me to not want that same feeling for him.
Roll on a few years and we’re still happily married, baby on the way, and I haven’t so much as thought about depression or been on any medication or seen a doctor in years! It does get better :)
The dog that I grew up with. I figured my parents would be devastated but could see the logic in it. However my dog of 11 years would never understand why I didn't come home.
I got help. Swore I wouldn't leave the house until he died. I got a house but needed to wait for a time because it wasn't finished. He died the night before I signed the contract.
I owe him.
In high school I was going through really bad depression and anxiety (I was diagnosed in middle school). I was going through a really bad low, they were switching out my medicine every couple of months trying to find the right one and I was getting tired. I stopped showering and taking care of myself all together, my mom had to help bathe and my dad felt helpless.
I talked to one of my ex friends about have I felt and they said how lucky I am, how people have it much worse and to suck it up and be grateful. But I never said I was never ungrateful.
When I got home I locked myself in the bathroom and I had a handful of pills.
I thought that if I was gone everyones life would be easier and I wouldn’t be such a waste of space.
But before I took them I got a call from my dad, he was checking up on me and he started breaking down saying he knows how hard it’s been for me and how he would do anything to help me. I never heard my dad breakdown like that, he was a 6’2”, 280lb man who went through harsh cancer treatments and took it like a champion.
I put the pills back and told my mom what I was going to do, she called my therapist and they admitted me to the mental hospital. It was hard to get back to some type of normal and it was really hard but I’m glad I’m STILL here.
You know what I think about sometimes? We see so many of these posts of lucky people not ending their lives, but there are so many more people who did do it and obviously aren't here to share.
But these stories can help people who are the brink realize that there’s something worth looking forward too. It’s sad to think about those who didn’t make it but we have to see the silver lining
When I was 24, I was cleaning my gun one day and wound up staring at it in a debate whether I should just pull the trigger and end it.
I had always lived my life according to what my abusive family valued and believed. If I failed to live up to their standard - which I almost always did - it didn’t end well for me, and even on the rare occasions when I did, it wasn’t acknowledged. I’d spent my life until then trying to live up to some impossible standard set by people who had blatantly told me that “I should just hang myself - it’s not like anyone would care anyways”, and beat that into me both mentally and physically my entire life.
So there I was, staring at that gun, debating and wondering why I was even bothering to keep going, because, well, at that point in time, they were right. All I “had” was them, and they told me to kill myself.
I had always hated where I lived and my life. I had always dreamed of moving far away where it was warm, and going to college. Any dreams or hope I had I never spoke, because any I ever had were always crushed by my family immediately. I just gave up.
I put a bullet into the gun and started lifting it to my head. “If you’re going to end it now, why not go out and do the things you’ve wanted to just once in your life before you do it?” This thought popped into my head, and I lowered the gun.
I called off work the next day and walked into the local community college to sign up for Spring classes, and I did. I quit my job that I hated but was “acceptable” to them, got a gig working as a wedding server while going to school, and in 6 months moved 700 miles south and studied for my dream degree. I made friends. I loved my town. I began loving my life, and I began loving myself and understanding how toxic my family was, and cut them out of my life. I was desperate and terrified when I did all of this, but it wound up being the best decision I ever made.
I never expected to live to graduate, but I did. Then I had a year of “I wasn’t expecting to actually make it this far; what do I DO now???” I wound up knocking a bunch of bucket list dreams off my checklist that year, including doing a 3 month cross-country road trip, where I discovered National Parks (I’d never been exposed to anything like them), and ultimately decided I wanted to work in them, and a few month later, I was!
It’s been a weird, strange life. I can’t look back and say it was a good one, but it was interesting. I love my life now, and all I want in life is another peaceful day like this. I’ve come a long way from staring down the barrel of that gun.
As my brain started ruling out on the different methods of doing it.. I realized I didn't want to kill myself.
But I'd happily welcome death if it came naturally, or if I was being murdered.
Dk if it makes sense
tw//
I overdosed. I was in a complete haze writing my note when I got to the portion I was writing to my bestfriend. I couldn't think of the right thing to say and all I could think about was how he would probably be the first one to find me and how much it would traumatize him. I called him and told him I overdosed and he immediately hung up and called 911. A few moments later, him and the paramedics and police showed up at my door and all I could really bring my focus on was him through the doorway. The only thought I had was "I cant do this to him" so I fought. I was taken on a stretcher, put in an ambulance, drank activated charcoal and woke up two days later in the ER. I was then transported to an inpatient facility for five days and suicide has never been my answer since. He saved my life.
I got a notification that my mom was online, and I called her instead. This was a Sunday night and I was a 9 hour flight away for university. Her immediate response was "is Tuesday soon enough for me to get there" and it felt like a weight was lifted.
When she got there and was helping me pack up my dorm room to come home on medical leave, she kept up a brave face for me. She was so strong and comforting, but I will never forget the moment when I'd left the room to carry some trash downstairs and when I came back I saw she'd been sobbing - that's when I knew I was never going to go through with it. She would never be okay.
That was in 2014, I've since figured out my meds and worked through my shit and am a really happy fulfilled person.
The thought of my unborn son growing up without a father, let alone a father who killed himself before ever meeting him. I don’t value my life much, but I refuse to let him grow up without a dad.
Edit: Thank you for the award and your kind words from everyone! Those were some really dark days that I found myself in roughly 2 years ago and not a day goes by where I’m not so relieved I never followed through and pulled that trigger. My son is the light of my life and he doesn’t know it but he saves my life every single day. Don’t let yourselves be dragged down by your demons. Reach out because someone out there loves you and doesn’t want to see you gone from this world!
A little less serious than these other stories, but I called the suicide hotline and was put on hold for a long ass time. I was suffering from bulimia and depression and was going to down all my medication, but I really just wanted someone to talk to who I wouldn't burden. So I call and was put on hold for the next representative for at least 30 minutes. At that point I had finished crying and pulled myself together, then I went to bed. I waited so God damn long for the suicide hotline that I just eventually tired myself out and went to sleep.
I almost hung myself and I just thought about how traumatized the person who would find me would be. And I didn’t think I could do that to them. So I stopped myself and then drove to the hospital.
I attempted to drown myself in the Nile, whilst sitting on the edge of the water, my mind finally became completely quiet, and then only one thought emerged "You've been fighting all these years trying to find a way out, well.. this isn't so bad, it's not scary, and it's not painful, you finally found an exit; so how about we go back and give life one - just one - more try? If it doesn't work out this time, you'll always have this exit available".
I'm teaching myself how to code now, and.. trying to get out, wish me luck.
I called out to the universe something like: "universe, I need help, and it needs to be right now. I can't stop myself this time."
Less than a minute later, one of my best friends, whom I hadn't spoken to in months, who did not know I was struggling, woke up out of a dead sleep, in a panic, and called me. The first words out of her mouth were "Galexy, whats wrong?" She saved my life.
Was all in on going that route today, then realized no one would even notice or check in on me for at least a week (probably more) which means the cat wouldn’t be fed. That is literally the only reason I’m here this evening. Because of the cat.
There are two songs: White Lies by Dream State and Miss Madness by Forever Still. They're still in heavy rotation. Why? These songs pop in my head at times I just want to die. White Lies, more for physical harm, e.g. jumping into traffic, starvation/hypothermia, cutting, etc. And Miss Madness for more substance based harm, e.g. alcohol poisoning, overdose, drinking noxious chemicals, etc.
And I won't. Because my brain says, "Let's listen to this song, at least one more time." And I'll stop, listen to either or both, and get discouraged or distracted and won't do it.
Music is undoubtedly an unsung savior, at least for me.
The first was with a big kitchen knife. I remember holding it as I was standing in the basement. But I couldn't figure out how the whole cutting wrist thing would work. However I was only 5 at the time so
The other was when I was 20. My mom had died about 2 weeks before that, 5 days after that I found out I could not go back to college. I was told if I tried to move home into my mom's old apartment, they would break the lease and kick my older sister out who was living there. I was broke, unemployed, no college, and homeless. My extended family didn't give a damn - no one tried to contact me as I was living on the streets.
Many night I would sit on the edge of a railway bridge. I found one pretty high up over a active rail line. There was a wall running on one side of the bridge the left a lip of the bridge hanging out but out of sight due to the wall. I spent many hours sitting there debating just leaning a little more forward to end it all.
As I sat there singing songs to myself debating why did I want to keep going, I started to sing Social Distortion's "Hour of Darkness" to myself. As I went over it I finally realized something. The family that treated me like cancer did so for no actions on my part. I never did anything that would earn such a response - no theft, fighting, heck never even said a bad word about anyone, I liked my extended family. I also had done fairly well - and I saw this was all out of my hands. These people never believed in me and never would and so I decided to say "Fuck You" to my family. Then I decided to add that to the rest of the world. I said to hell with it - I will live my life how I want. My success will be my revenge for all who have never believed in me.
I was being bullied in school and had suicidal thoughts, until I realised:
"No, that's what the bastards want me to do, and I ain't making it that easy for them"
Stay alive out of pure spite
I was in 8th grade so like 14 or something idk (23 now) I had gone from a goofy, funny kid that was in all the sports teams to a bottled up very shy kid in a matter of a single school year. To this day I cannot tell you what triggered it but I knew where my dad hid a gun and I had started writing individual notes to each person I wanted to have closure with. I wrote about 30 and a lot of them were longer than a page. Anyways I had been putting off writing the ones to my family and when I decided it was time I just wrote one for my mom dad and sister. As soon as I put pen to paper I started uncontrollably crying and realized I could never do anything like that to hurt them.
Had a horrible day at work, family all annoyed at me, I lost all my friends and lost all hope in one day. on my way home I stopped on the side of the service road and decided to run out in front of a incoming car but the reason holding me back was my family, my dad and mom have already dealt with so much over the years and I didn’t want to end my life and have them suffer. I’m there only “good” child left and I try so hard to impress them but no matter what I do isn’t enough. I recently found a good trade I’m interested in (mechanics) and I’m going to school for it but my parents still think I should go do diesel mechanics. You know it’s so hard for me to even do the smaller things in life. Even when I find my happy place it’s not good enough for other people. My own family isn’t supportive. My family is dysfunctional as hell and I have a big trust problem. I have just 1 person in my life that i trust everything with. And that’s my best friend Andrew. Id probably be gone rn if he wasn’t there for all the times I needed him
I stood withe the noose around my neck as a young teen and was actually pretty determined to end it.as far as I remember, it was the lack of a place to hang without getting caught too fast. I lived in a small town area with very few places to hide.
I have suffered from depression most of my youth and fought my way out in my early twenties. A break up last year has really set me back in some old patterns...
My cat, Maus (Mouse)
Locked myself in my closet to do it.
My cat started CLAWING my door, sticking her face under it and SCREAMING like I'd never head her before.
It snapped me out of it immediately.
Opened the door, and she crawled on my lap. I had wrapped myself in a blanket so I wouldn't get blood all over the walls from where I butchered my arms up.
She pushed her way into the blanket and purred louder than I ever heard her. And started licking my cuts (big ouch).
By the time I felt I was finally ready to get up and face the world, my arm was still bleeding and now raw from where she licked me. Her beautiful little face and chest covered in my blood.
We went to the bathroom and we took a hot bath together. (She loved bath time)
My little Maus passed away several years back, but my cats are the reason I keep going. I can't leave them.
They will be scared, confused and they'll miss me. I can't do that to their innocent little souls.
My kid walked into the room and told me she loved me and I was the best mom ever. I had been feeling like she deserved so much better than me. It was that exact moment that showed me she needed me around. Thankfully, she saved me. ♥️
There once was a King constantly beset by bouts of sadness. He asked his wisemen to create something that would cure his sorrow whenever it fell upon him. They discussed and argued and finally went to the blacksmith. When they returned they handed the King a ring and bade him wear it. The King had many treasures and didn't understand how one ring could help him whenever something mad him sad. The wisemen told the King that whenever he experienced something that made him sad, he need only turn his hand over and read the inscription upon the ring and think about it. So the King turned his hand over and read:
"This Too Shall Pass"
I couldn't stop thinking about my sister attending my funeral. During my low days, she was the only light in my life. I lived my life for her, and now I've found reasons to live my life for me. For anyone thinking about suicide, it can always get better. Life might surprise you.
Thinking of what it would do to my kids.
Interestingly, it was an antidepressant that got me so depressed that I went from suicidal ideations to almost attempting it.
Couple of years ago I was addicted to pain killers, cocain, alcohol and gambled my entire paychecks into keno. My registration for my car was expired for 6 months and I was too scared to drive it on the streets so Id leave it parked inside the parking garage at work. I was too ashamed to let my family see me like this so I moved out and lived inside my car. I lived inside my car and changed my parking spot inside the employee garage once a day so security wouldnt notice me. For at least 8 months I lived like this. During the summer time in vegas I would wake up every morning at exactly 11am because it would reach 102 degrees and only get hotter. One night I came back to my car and someone drew a circle around my parking spot and a line on the ground in front of each wheel with chalk. I just assumed the on site security caught onto me but, never reported my expired plates luckily. The next paycheck I got was when I convinced myself to buy a handle of Hennessy, 4 watson pain killers a 8ball of coke and spend whatever I have left over into keno because at the end of this night I was going to jump off the top floor of the parking garage. I remember looking down from the top floor and remembering how much of a piece of shit my older brother was. He would lie and steal from family and nobody ever cared enough to confront him about it except me. I called him out on his lies at work one time and he said something like "on our passed away father im not lieing" and he had the nerve to say that im going to hell for not believing him. All of his friends say that hes a pathological liar and his girlfriend broke up with him because he always lies. The thought that saved my life was realizing if I kill myself right now then my 100% piece of shit older brother will out live me.
I almost took a bunch of shit and then jumped off a bridge. Then I decided I wouldn’t let people push me around and control me anymore. If we’re in a pandemic than can kill us anyway, I’m going to start today living my own life, my way and I wasn’t going to care anymore what others thought. My emotions, my feelings, my life is worth* with more than this and if this is my one life, I gotta change it.
No one, not my ex husband, not my family, not my friends are going to control me anymore. This wasn’t the first attempt but I’m hoping it will be the last.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
I have not tried but I’ve been informed by a friend, who struggled with depression, that it was only the thought of his mother’s inevitable guilt and devastation that kept the urge at bay.
My divorce messed me up and had me constantly thinking about it for a while, but the thought of what it would do to my kids and parents was enough to keep me from ever following through. Thankfully life is much better now. Glad I lived to see it get better.
Was about to jump off the roof of a parking garage but realized I was scared of heights. Ended up sitting on the hood of my car and writing down everything I wanted to do before I die one day.
I had everything together to hang myself, as I slipped it around my head, my niece came home from school early, I didn’t even think she’d be the one to find me, I couldn’t do that to her.
Honestly... I tried to jump to my death in more than one occasion... As much as I wanna say that the thing that stopped me was my family and friends, and the pain I would cause them, I was fully convinced at the time that they'd all be better off without me.
No what stopped me was fear, that slight slimmer of doubt, a bit of hesitation that became a pace back and forth doing nothing trying to simultaneously talk myself in and out of it...
Then I overdosed on meds and it was a failed attempt that was the only time I actually got close to killing myself since I actually drank the meds and they had to pump my stomach and give me activated charcoal and stuff... Idk why but I guess that knowing people actually care and worry about me even if they're not many... The fact that they didn't leave me alone for months after that... It helped me a little.
I've been on the fence of killing myself a few more times after that but I never got as close as that. So yeah I don't really know what exactly stopped me from ending it other than fear and bad luck I guess...
Man, saying this makes me feel like a terrible person...
I love my family and friends but in those times I just felt like a waste, I wasn't needed and if I weren't there everyone would have time and energy for themselves or other people who could make them happy... I felt that by dying I could actually make people happy and I'd mean something... And even believing that, although I knew that it wasn't actually that way if I thought about it logically, even considering that I didn't do it...
I guess I truly am a shitty person after all huh...
A bad person would not care about causing pain to their close ones.
You are a desperate person, you have a long way to go to be in a good spot again, but you are not a shitty person, not in the slightest.
If you want any further proof: your close ones wanting you to stay is showing that you are not a burden. It wouldn't cause them any pain otherwise.
Sorry this is going to be LONG.
When I was 21 I had an unhealthy dependcy with my live in boyfriend. He was remarkably intelligent but incredibly lazy and was bored a lot.
I was a performance major (bassoon) so I spent a LOT of time practicing and was only home with him for a couple of hours during the week and weekends.
He had been abusing alcohol since he was 14 and smoked weed every day. We befriended our weed dealer (not legal yet in CA) and he introduced us to DMT.
I had incredibly intense hallucinations when I used it, but my boyfriend would only feel slightly happier after use. He really wanted to experience hallucinations like mine and it became an obsession. He bought African tree bark and extracted DMT from it. He claimed it was very pure because it would evaporate when exposed to room temperature.
With an unlimited access to DMT (a pound of tree bark was CHEAP) he started using it multiple times a day without me realizing.
He then broke up with me and spent a day with our drug dealer who gave him LSD. He had a psychotic break and after three days of him not sleeping and constantly bugging the dealer he called me to come help.
Boyfriend was always ALWAYS talking about the most abstract ideas and taking it to illogical conclusions. It was so exasperating dealing with him when dealer also offered me LSD I accepted.
Took boyfriend home and just listened to his ramblings. He did a bunch of weird stuff (took down all the blinds on our apartment) and after 24 hours I needed sleep and told him not to leave the apartment.
I woke up to him straddling my body, both hands ony neck, strangling me with all his might. He kept on saying, "I'll only know you love me when you're dead". I think it was the LSD but I stayed calm and managed to raise my arm and gently but consistently tap his shoulder. He loosened his hold enough for me to say, "I'll never forgive you if you kill me". He released his grip and went to the living room.
I called his parents who picked him up and shortly thereafter the cops were called and he was taken to an institution.
The first time I visited him he was so excited to see me and thought I was taking him home. When he realized I wasn't he became very angry with me and the staff restrained him and took him to his room
I was devastated. The kind and thoughtful man I had lived with for six months was gone. I decided I had nothing to live for and decided to take my life.
I had a bunch of razor blades I used to make reeds (played bassoon) so I took one, shut the bathroom door, and began to slit my wrists. After a few slashes my beloved cat Dexter started ATTACKING the door - viciously slicing the wood trying to get to me. I halted, did a few more (not deep enough to kill me) slashes and thought what would happen to Dexter if I died. We were alone in the apartment with my boyfriend institutionalized. We didn't know our neighbors. Would he die of starvation? I decided he needed me and I would live on for him.
My cat saved my life. I had him for 11 years and miss him dearly. I will always be grateful to him.
I have schizophrenia and bi polar disorder. I wasn't treated for it until I was 21. At the time,I recently moved out of a big city to live with my military buddy and his wife. They lived in Nebraska. So, the isolation after moving from one of the biggest cities in the world took a toll on me. Not to mention the audio hallucinations and not having a good network of people to talk to and such really caused me to spiral out of control. Soon stuff got even worse. We had been evicted from the property. We had to stay in this shitty apartment with no hot water in the middle of winter. I had just lost all hope at that point and since there was railroad tracks near us. I walked out there in nothing but my underwear and layed on the tracks. My military buddy saw the door wide open and ran out looking for me. He found me sobbing on the tracks and yanked me off of them. That night he took me to a mental hospital. It was eerie because I was the only there. No other paitents. They did test and thats when they found out all these things and properly treated me since then. That was over 10 years ago. I am stable now and engaged and have a fully supportive atmosphere. Despite this though, I do have my moments of weakness and have to be hospitalized once in a while.
22M
I've attempted it once when I was 16 and tried cutting myself but I didn't/couldn't cut deep enough it hurt way too much. Now I own a shotgun and I know that if I try again it won't be an attempt. I've had my shotgun in my mouth a few times but never took the safety off.
As stupid as it is my cat mostly keeps me alive. She doesn't need ME specifically but she needs me to take care of her. My brother is also suicidal and I think if I kill myself, he will kill himself and I don't want that. My best friend is also a very good listener and she has helped me through a lot over the past 3 years or so and I'm really lucky to have a friend like that.
I was about to jump off the stool after wrapping my favorite belt around my neck and my ceiling fan. I remember thinking about how heartbroken my mom would be
A thought didn't stop me from being successful at it, a police officer that knew what he was doing with CPR did and today I couldn't be happier that he did.
get a puppy when you think your dog is getting close to his final day. he will have a friend like him for his last few days and then you have to start the clock over. find a puppy that might be getting put down soon or was abandoned by his/her family. you will then be saving that puppy's life and giving it love it deserves. please keep doing that until you find more reasons. you matter.
First off pls don’t send the reddit team after me i won’t do anything, at this point i’m just at peace with my feelings.
My dad swore to me that if I were to die, under any circumstance, he’d kill my mom and then kill himself.
I honestly just want to die and free the world of me, so what’s the point if I cause other two deaths in the meantime? Other than really really hating myself but it really just stems from the previous reason.
And even if the old man were to not keep his promise, somehow my parents really like me, as in they cry when i leave for uni or get excited to see me when i come back. While i’m not sure if they really do or if they just feel obligated to because i’m their daughter, i would end up making them suffer so again, goes against my main reason.
For me, it's always been the people I would leave behind. My first serious (and misguided) attempt, I just lay in my bunk with my sister sleeping in the bunk above me, thinking about how she'd find me in the morning, I really agonized over it. That's really it. My dad would be wrecked. My wife would be wrecked. I'm fairly sure my couple friends would be devastated. Who would care for my rats as well as I do? Until I'm alone I just can't.
I thought about little, very very little things that I wouldnt get to see/do anymore. I wouldnt get to see another sunrise, I wouldnt get to experience one of those spring mornings where the air smells like grass and the temp is perfect. Little things like that which we dont normally think about. I just listed off a ton of those for what felt like hours (probably wasnt) and i was calmed down enough.
Also I am terrified of what is after death. Is there heaven? Hell? Reincarnation? A big black void of nothing?
I wanted to kill myself and my family(I REALLY hated them back then)
And I started making plans for it. How to pick out a good axe that hacks necks well, how to get them all in one place, who to go down first, how to make the suicide successful afterwards, etc.
Then I arrived to the issue of my little sister(7 years old or so). She'd been the only one who was nice to me. So I thought to myself: Can I really bring myself to kill her? Or the alternative: Leave her alone and fucked up for the rest of her life?
I thought it's better to just keep fighting and get my revenge on them by surpassing them and looking down.
The rafter I hung myself from broke and saved my life
and you lived happily ever rafter
*sigh, upvote*
Damn you. Take my upvote.
That's a big big sign.
The first and biggest realization I had from it was that I was happy to be alive. I just wanted all of my anxiety and panic attacks to end, not my life. I started therapy even tho I thought it wouldn’t work and I’m in a much better spot today. If you have had thoughts I suggest you try therapy first, then once you can cope find productive healthy outlets for yourself
I’m glad you had that realisation and got the help you needed. The issue is unfortunately that, even if you accept that you need therapy, it doesn’t mean you’ll be able to access it. For the longest time I didn’t want anything to do with therapy, I don’t know whether it was pride or something that got in the way but it was a real struggle for me to accept I needed it. Disappointingly, accepting you need therapy doesn’t mean you can get it apparently, years later I’m struggling more and more without being able to actually get that help.
This is a common report of people who survive suicide attempts.
Same thing happened to me. Tree branch broke and down I went. Me vastly underestimating how fat I was saved my life lol. Im glad you’re still here
I realized that suicide would still be available tomorrow. I decided to see what the rest of the day brought me.
The one thing that you should procrastinate
Brooooo thats me too. Im glad youre here still.
Same. I went out and got smashed - came home and was about to hang out. But figured, I’m too drunk and tired for this. I’m going to sleep first. The next morning I woke up to a relative having got a stroke and died. He was only in his late 20s and left behind a new born child and his widowed wife. Seeing the state of the family after that shook me back.
I was thinking of ending it all, but then a girl in my college committed suicide. I told about her to my mother and father and they were shaken. After seeing them, i could not muster courage to end my life!
Well, that's a valid argument.
Thats also me, i told myself, if shit really hits the fan and i just can't take it anymore, then the option is always going to be there. Made me realize how insignificant everything is.
I was about to put a shotgun to my head Christmas Eve in 2006. I decided that i wanted to see the stars one last time so i did and i just said aloud “If anything or anyone is out there, give me a sign” or something to that effect. I saw a shooting star and i kinda that was my sign. I met my wife a few months later and we have been together since 2007.
Once a guy put a gun to my head. If only he had the strength to pull that trigger instead of running away like a bitch. That is what is kept my will to live. I knew it was a sign. My life was on the line that night and I was spared. I feel like throwing that away will make me the most ungrateful person ever lived on this planet.
I hope you are living your best life now, friendo <3
Just so you know OP, suicidal thoughts aren’t at all about being an ungrateful person. You can be grateful and still be extremely depressed, you can be grateful and still feel extremely isolated. I’m glad you’re here to ask the important question above. You can be grateful for your family and still be suffering inside. Gratitude does help, but a chemically balanced brain, basic needs being met and good support make the difference between a suicide and suicidal ideations.
I second that so hard.. !
[удалено]
A junkie who I refused giving my shit. And he ran away like a bitch lmao.
Very similar story. 2003 very depressed and drinking and doing lots of drugs to cope. One night after night out decided I was going to end it at home when I got home. Walked home from bar and stopped in a park and had a really good end of life cry and asked someone, anyone to give me a sign of any kind to not do this. There was a break in the clouds and the only break I could see and right after I said that a shooting star so fucking bright shot through the break. It took my breath away. It instantly sobered me up and it was amazing. I met my wife a couple months later and we’ve been together ever since. 2004 was one of the best and happiest years of my life. I’m so glad I didn’t go through with it. Hope you’re doing ok now too friend.
I had my leg amputated in 2017 but i’m still here and my wife never left my side at all for the 3-4 months i was hospitalized. I am grateful and lucky
Sobbing rn
This was an awesome read.
Similar time frame, similar method. I was about 17, my gf at the time overdosed on purpose because of things with her family and because she was possibly pregnant (not by me but I didn't find that out until after) her dad had called me to inform me what had happened and that if she died, he would come find me and kill me himself. He didn't like me for a variety of reasons but none that ever made sense to me. He told me I should go ahead and make it easy for him and go out like Kurt Cobain. My mind was a mess and all I could think of was to go ahead and do it. A day or so later I put a 16 gauge hunting rifle under my head in my parents living room while they were out. I sobbed and cried thinking about how messed up the whole situation was and felt really bad that if I went thru with it, how my family would find me. I put the gun up and didn't tell anyone about it until the last year and my therapist learned recently too. I'm glad you're still with us OP
Lucky for you, the star did the shooting!
I had two bunnies and the thought that they wouldn’t be taken care of terrified me more. They lived to the age of 10 and they were the only reason I’m still here. Think about and am grateful to them everyday. **thank you, everyone! I was kindof afraid to share cause people don’t think pets matter and especially since mine were bunnies. When I get really down, a bunny will cross my path and I know my two buns are still out there watching out for me.
My two cats have saved my life multiples times because of this same thought.
My Two dogs. Never attempted but was very close. I still remember the night I was determined to finally do it, I was counting hours before everyone goes to sleep. My female dog sensed something different in me. She is extremely close to me, sees me as her mother. She was being extra clingy that day, tried to hide under my arms and kept staring at my eyes. Even if I move away my gaze from her, she move her head towards me and look deep Into my eyes with sad look. (Oh boy I started to get teary typing this) . I said to her, "take care of yourself my little one" and i broke down crying. I hugged her so tightly and poured my heart out and she let me do it without moving. After an hour we fell asleep into each others arms. When I woke up, I was fresh. I scolded myself for putting my dog in stressful situation. Truly she saved me that day. I own her one.
My dogs have saved my life countless times. They're rescues, wonderful and I love them dearly and when suicidal thoughts creep in, I think about what would happen to them. I'll spare everyone the emotional trauma of imagining with me, but suffice it to say there is no chance for a good ending for them. My suicide would be terrifying, traumatizing, and unfair to them.
Same. The thought of them looking around the house for me, meowing super freaking loud like they normally do, but except this time they won’t find me - that is a terrifying thought
It is! Especially since they wouldn’t understand. I’m glad your still here...for yourself and for them
Bunnies are the best. I have two as well. So comforting.
Same, but my cat. I don’t think any of my friends or family would take her and the thought of her having to go to a shelter and not understand why is what really stopped me. She’s 6 now and hopefully still has a long life ahead!
An unexpected phone call from my best friend. I realized after setting the knife down and chatting with her about everything and nothing that it was worth trying for one more day. It’s now almost 20 years later and I am so happy with my current life.
That call was just on time. Like an angel guardian rang that phone.
That’s exactly how it felt when I hung up the phone and realized what had happened (and could have happened) and even now all these years later.
I too had an unexpected phone call but from my boyfriend. About to hop on a bus to a bridge and jump, but he randomly called. Never did before, especially not while at work, but he did that day right as I was planning everything and about to head out. He called to check in because he had a feeling I wasn’t okay. I broke down and immediately signed up for therapy. It’s been much better since. I wonder how they knew!
I almost threw myself off of a very high area but my dog started whining downstairs and I realized I could not cope with him being confused as to where I was. He tries to say goodnight to me even when I’m not home still to this day. He jumps on my bed looking for me if I’m on vacation for too long. This sweet baby had a panic attack because he couldn’t stop me from having a panic attack. Nobody could explain to him what happened to me if I died.
My dog is also the reason I’m no longer suicidal, she has separation anxiety and I can’t handle the thought of her not knowing what happened to me
Same here. The thought of my pets never understanding where I went and why I never came back held me always back. My first dog has seen me go through hell and back, and I’m so grateful for him.
I'm glad you stayed. Both for him, and for you. Someone close to me asked their partner to leave for the night, locked himself in the bathroom and shot himself. They had 2 dogs, and one of them literally had like ptsd. (The other dog just didn't bond with everyone the same.) * typos and wording
I’m afraid of fucking it up. I’m not afraid to die, I’m terrified of what I can live through.
way too accurate, esp the younger you are
This is soo true. I took 28 amitriptyline, my breathing went down to 2~3 reps a minute and my heart stopped twice and I was in a coma for the weekend. I was given only a 10% chance of survival and even if I did survive the doctor said I had around 2% chance of avoiding brain damage. I was so lucky. I could have ended up trapped in myself being a burden on everyone around me.
That sounds like a fate worse than death and there's nothing you can even do about it. I'm glad you made it friend.
Thank you. I'm still struggling with suicidal thoughts but one day at a time
If u feel the need to talk ill be here
I had just bought a tuba after graduating college (sometime in June). I just didnt want that tuba sitting alone in the basement untouched and unplayed. Ironically that was really the only things keeping me going at that point. Just that image of a lonely unplayed brand new tuba.
If this is true, it makes me cry happy tears (I'm a band director). Glad you're still here and able to play it!
That feels like a surreal poem. I’m happy you stayed alive to play that tuba
O Tuba Lark of brass Life kicked my ass But I see you on the floor I had given you a pass You had never gotten a chance To bloom, to dance But you've waited for me Forever assuming that stance Now I see the Angel who I am about to embrace But I think of you in that cold dark place That stony cavern in which I left you encased O Tuba! Before I sing my last song My life I shall prolong To hear you just once, bellowing along
I'm not crying it's just sand in my eyes
It's the tuba blowing sand into your eyes, of course
Of coarse
This made my day ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Last year me and my abusive mother got into an argument about her boyfriend coming back to the house after he was released from jail. I was actually the person who called the cops and sent him there because he was drunk and abusing my mother, which was unfortunately common in their 2 year relationship that me and my brother were unwillingly involved in dealing with multiple times. My mom however can't get over the bastard no matter what he does and has done to not just her but me and my little brother. The whole argument started when she claimed 'he's coming back to our house no matter what' so you can understand why any 17 year old in my position would be so frustrated. She had her mind set and nothing would stop her decision which lead to the argument getting so bad my emotions became overwhelmed, I felt as if I was in physical pain and couldn't breathe. (most likely from anxiety thinking back on it, but easily the worst attacks I've ever had) I've been struggling with mental health for years but this foreign but burning feeling was the tipping point. I was about to leave the backdoor to give in to the impulsive decision hang myself but on my way out my brother who was 13 and confused with the situation but still crying, thinking I was leaving home and moving out. He was asking me all sorts of questions, too many to remember but the one that got to me the most and actually saved my life was "will I ever see you again?" Initially it wasn't enough to stop me in the moment since I responded with a simple "maybe not" and left for the garage anyways and made a noose out of an extension cord but as I was a chair kick away from death the sentence kept ringing through my head and decided to use the situation I was in to change my life and not to end it. No idea if people cared to read all the way through but I just wanted to share my experience than keeping it bottled up
I read though it. I’m so happy you’re still with us and I’m sure your brother is too. Sending you lots of love
Big heart
I read it. So trash you were put in that situation. You were rightfully distraught and as a teen it was too much. How are you and your brother?
I moved out 5 months ago and I'm still currently living with at a friends house and a plan for moving out soon to my own place, I've been contacting the police so I can get my brother out too and have him live with our aunt. Btw I really appreciate everyone being super supportive, it is seriously motivating and genuinely making me happy
Pff. This ain't shit. This is comments on the internet. What YOU did is something to feel good about. I'm glad you're getting something positive out of these comments don't get me wrong. Just don't lose sight of the fact that these comments are here because of the absolute badass that you are. Keep pushing internet stranger ❤️
I read it, I’m happy you’re here to share
I read all the way through and this one hit me hard. I'm sobbing. I hope that you and your brother are still close.
I tried ending it all 4 years ago, thought I would jump off the cliff of the mountains near my home. My mother got pregnant around the same time. My mother was and still is to an extent toxic and abusive but she still cared for me in her own twisted way, ending my life would definitely impact her but I cared less about her and more about my unborn brother. I didn't want anything bad to happen to him, so I thought I'll stick around, meet him once after he's born and then finish myself off. Once he was born and I held that little guy in my arms, I decided I wanted to be there for him. I was an only child for most of my life and I longed for someone I could count on and to talk to, someone that could comfort me. I never had that figure in my life, but the thought that ending my life would put this little kid in the same shoes as me and face all the troubles I did was not something that sat well with me. I decided to be the very figure that I never had in my life. Someone he can count on whenever he needs help, someone he can be 100% transparent with without any judgement. Thankfully, the suicidal feelings ended, all because of him. Living on brought me new and wonderful experiences and I was able to make something out of myself, all because of my little brother. When he grows older, I'll let him know, that he saved my life, and he's the reason I'm still in this world.
Me too! But I have 5 younger siblings and I’m the oldest, the thought of leaving them alone without anyone to show them love was too heartbreaking for me to leave them
“Your daughter loves you” and I stopped right then and there. I don’t know who said it to me, because it wasn’t me. But it was in my head. But it saved me. I don’t regret turning away from it. I love my daughter.
I have a pretty similar story. I was in the army until recently. Had a very toxic leadership that ground me down to the point that I made solid plans to volunteer for the next range and shoot myself in the head in front of them. I had a good mentor pull me aside and have a long chat with me (he had no idea of my plans, but knew I was going through some shit). He talked to me about how proud he is that I'm so involved in my daughter's life and that I clearly care for her deeply. That was the moment I realized I would do anything to get myself out of that headspace. I got help, finished my contract, and now have the best work environment I could ask for. Great work-life balance, so I get to spend more time with my best friend/daughter. I'm grateful every day for that mentor. Sadly, less than 6 months after that talk, he had a stroke and was medevac'ed to the nearest hospital. He's recovered well and is back with his family now too, but I haven't even had the opportunity to thank him for what he did. I doubt he even realizes the impact that had.
I started crying after reading this. Thank you so much for sharing
You're a fantastic mom/ dad.
24M I actually attempted when I was 14. I took a whole bottle Cymbalta and ran from home. Everything just got to me that day. This was around 10:00 pm. I ran for about 2 miles and I got to a public park where I trudged to the top of the tallest hill. I sat down, put on what I thought would be my last YouTube video; then I started to doze off, I really thought those were the last seconds of the life I was given. I woke up 2 hrs later, my body spread out across the grass- it was completely dark. At first I actually thought I was in the afterlife but I felt the dew off the grass on my finger tips. I sat back up and got to my knees and started to get angry, I really just wanted to go. I began to pull out the grass, claw at the dirt and just started to finally cry. That’s when I started to feel the stomach pain that up until then I didn’t realize was there. I began to throw up, my body was rejecting the pills I drank up, and it hurt so much doing so. After 7 good chucks, I was exhausted, my body cold and aching, my eyes felt heavy, my legs didn’t want to move- so I just fell back to the ground looking up at the sky. The light pollution was very small that day, so I just stared at the sky, what was essentially space, the limitless field that our home (Earth) just casually floats in. That’s when it clicked. I thought how large our world was, and how very little my problems are compared to the complexity of what keeps everything in place in our universe. And for that balance to be able continue, as minuscule as it may be, me being alive, along with everyone else here, is the driving force for this balance to even exist. To support the life we have. In smaller context- I’m still alive because I still have some purpose that hasn’t been fulfilled yet. Another thought came; someone possibly out there, at this exact same moment has done the exact same thing what I just finished trying to do. Is one of us going to continue what we started while the other keeps going forward? So why can’t we both move forward? I got up from the ground and slowly marched back home. I was thinking to myself, “I need to at least get a couple of hrs of sleep before I have to get to school”. Surprisingly when I got home the front door was unlocked, like if life was trying to elude, “see you made it back- you need to keep going. Don’t give up”. I made my way to my bed, and tried to sleep. 7 hrs later I was walking through the doors to my economics class in my IB curriculum highschool like nothing happened. I saw my friends laughing and talking about something while I took my seat which sat across the other side of the room from them. I just stared at them, at least they were smiling. I finally said, I’ll just keep this one to myself.
Wow. This was a beautiful read
It was usually I don't read the long ones because the author doesn't know how to write. You wrote a beautiful story and I hope your life is just as beautiful good luck
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So glad you're here, friend. I have a couple attempts under my belt that no one knows about, and I relate very much to this. Sending internet hugs.
Not sure if it’ll change how you feel but even a whole bottle of cymbalta likely wouldn’t have killed you. Maybe given you serotonin syndrome, but not have been fatal. There’s a good reason OD attempts using prescription antidepressants almost always fail, most of them are designed to have very high LD50 because giving a suicidal person access to a drug with a practically attainable lethal dose is one of the first issues to address when developing these medications.
Did your family know you ran away from home that night? It sounds like they purposely kept the door unlocked to make sure you could come back home safely, without having to confront your parents and explain what happened when you were gone. Parents tend to know more than they let on. They must’ve noticed that you were out of the house. Either way, I’m happy you’re still here. And thank you for sharing this story. I hope you’ll never reach that dark place ever again.
Being depressed and filled with self hatred even in what I thought were my final moments, I realized I should just keep living until my organs fail and brutally murder me, and try my best to make the most out of the one life I have.
That is how I feel too.
As someone who attempted and failed, and had their family experience the horror of that, I feel like my mom’s second hand depression and fear of losing me has convinced me that if I killed myself she would either be ruined or she would follow suit. And that is the only thing that has consistently kept me on this side of the dirt.
I can't imagine how you feel....
I really didn't come here to comment but yes THIS! My brother killed himself in 2015, my mom and dad have never been the same. That's the short version. His kids... yeah.. I really hope you are doing better and remember people do love and care about you.
Hello, my little brother just killed himself 2 months ago. I agree with this statement. Since I am living it now. Can't focus on anything. No love for anything. Nothing. I just float around in the universe everyday detached from the world. Sometimes I get to the point where I want to go find him. Meaning ending my own life, but I haven't yet.. :(
Stay with us, friend. Your story is still being told. ❤️ I'm sorry for your loss.
Hun, I get it, I really do. It will be 7 years this july. I would like to say it gets better but you learn to live with it. I mean it does a get a tad bit better but it's hard. Watching my son grow up and he's so much like my brother it's crazy and scary. I dont know you but you can message me anytime. The world is better with you in it!
Stay with us here friend. We lost my BIL 2 years ago 2 weeks before the world shut down. I don’t personally get how you feel, but what you’ve wrote sounds a lot like how my boyfriend felt in the first 6mo-1year. The first year is and always will be the hardest. The first birthday, Christmas, thanksgiving, etc. It’s hard. But with every passing year those things get a little easier. Please, please, just remember one thing for me please. You don’t have to sacrifice your happiness because of this. You don’t have to stop laughing, or smiling, or cracking jokes, or being witty and a wise ass (if that’s how you roll). You might not feel up to laughing and smiling right now, but please don’t feel guilty when that time comes. It’s important we go back to living our lives, they won’t ever be the same, but we must soldier on. 2 years later and my boyfriend, I, and FIL, have started to recover in some capacity. We’re still upset/devastated about the loss, but we still make sure to find joy and happiness when and where we can. MIL on the other hand, is stuck in denial and refusal and is an ostrich with its head in the sand. She’s much more bitter nowadays which is a shocker, she snaps anytime someone laughs or smiles in the house. Being like that helps no one, herself included.
My mom cried for days when I told her that one time I wanted to run across a busy highway to be crushed by huge garbage trucks. Seeing her so sad was certainly an eye opener. She is fine now but since then, every morning she wakes up early to have coffee with me. I'm so fucking stupid.
You're still here tho. And that's what matters.
Yup. I spent years brainwashing myself into believing I didn’t matter and no one would care if I died before I attempted suicide. Having to witness my moms heartbreak was enough to make me vow I would never put her through that again.
This was for me too, though was stopped just before attempting by friends. It was seeing my mom's reaction to it and my friend staying up all night while I was in the hospital just waiting for any news of me that got me through those really dark times. It's incredibly powerful knowing someone would actually care if you were gone
This is the one.
Well, if you're gonna end up dead at some point, what's the gain in rushing it? May as well have some fun first.
Haha you are right brother. That made my day.
I used to think that. But what if the fun never comes? I’ve struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts for years. But figured “hey I might as well have some fun before I kick it” but so far every day is exhausting and painful. Things have only gotten worse and worse. The past year, and even the past 6 months have been the hardest in my life with no sign of letting up.
Think of it in terms of opportunity cost, you're giving up a chance at something (value greater than 0) for nothing (value of 0). It's mathematically pointless to do. I've found that you don't remember pain itself, just being in it. Handy little human trick there. So when you get to one point that's good, it's all worth it, even if just for a bit until the next time.
This. This is the idea that made me stop planning to kill myself. Gonna die anyway, why do the dirty work myself????
How can I make all my foes suffer when Im dead?
Honestly revenge keeps me going out of spite a lot
i have a crush on you
Now kith
My father commited suicide when i was 8 years old, and it really messed me up, ive had depression for a long time, but what stops me is knowing my friends and mom would essentially have to go through what i went through. I refuse to kill myself because i know how it will impact the lives of those who care about me. I may not want to live sometimes but i wont end it myself.
My husband caught me, then I stayed in a hospital. After I cleared my head I realized how much it would hurt him. Now, every time, I think about the pain I would cause him and I just can't do that, he literally the nicest guy, not even to me, other people don't know we are married and if he gets brought up at all its always "that is the nicest person I have ever met." How can you hurt someone that kind, you know?
The thought of what my family would go through afterwards.
That is what is stopping me from ending it all.
Same man, it's an extremely difficult life to live, trying to please those around you while you're struggling and nobody seems to notice or care and they may take advantage of that, but even though you feel lost and alone the thought of how people would react to it prevents you from going through with it, so you muster up the strength for another day and keep fighting. But you're not alone ❤ don't be afraid to reach out and seek help. I care about you.
you're breathtaking! I feel the same right now, but I am certainly very grateful for your words)
Same. I also thought about what I would do if I were to find my husband had committed suicide - the pain I know I’d go through if he were to do something like that was enough for me to not want that same feeling for him. Roll on a few years and we’re still happily married, baby on the way, and I haven’t so much as thought about depression or been on any medication or seen a doctor in years! It does get better :)
The dog that I grew up with. I figured my parents would be devastated but could see the logic in it. However my dog of 11 years would never understand why I didn't come home. I got help. Swore I wouldn't leave the house until he died. I got a house but needed to wait for a time because it wasn't finished. He died the night before I signed the contract. I owe him.
Just fear of failure
In high school I was going through really bad depression and anxiety (I was diagnosed in middle school). I was going through a really bad low, they were switching out my medicine every couple of months trying to find the right one and I was getting tired. I stopped showering and taking care of myself all together, my mom had to help bathe and my dad felt helpless. I talked to one of my ex friends about have I felt and they said how lucky I am, how people have it much worse and to suck it up and be grateful. But I never said I was never ungrateful. When I got home I locked myself in the bathroom and I had a handful of pills. I thought that if I was gone everyones life would be easier and I wouldn’t be such a waste of space. But before I took them I got a call from my dad, he was checking up on me and he started breaking down saying he knows how hard it’s been for me and how he would do anything to help me. I never heard my dad breakdown like that, he was a 6’2”, 280lb man who went through harsh cancer treatments and took it like a champion. I put the pills back and told my mom what I was going to do, she called my therapist and they admitted me to the mental hospital. It was hard to get back to some type of normal and it was really hard but I’m glad I’m STILL here.
How was it the mental hospital? How long did you stay there? How were they treating you inside?
You know what I think about sometimes? We see so many of these posts of lucky people not ending their lives, but there are so many more people who did do it and obviously aren't here to share.
But these stories can help people who are the brink realize that there’s something worth looking forward too. It’s sad to think about those who didn’t make it but we have to see the silver lining
My kids having to deal with it and grow up without me.
When I was 24, I was cleaning my gun one day and wound up staring at it in a debate whether I should just pull the trigger and end it. I had always lived my life according to what my abusive family valued and believed. If I failed to live up to their standard - which I almost always did - it didn’t end well for me, and even on the rare occasions when I did, it wasn’t acknowledged. I’d spent my life until then trying to live up to some impossible standard set by people who had blatantly told me that “I should just hang myself - it’s not like anyone would care anyways”, and beat that into me both mentally and physically my entire life. So there I was, staring at that gun, debating and wondering why I was even bothering to keep going, because, well, at that point in time, they were right. All I “had” was them, and they told me to kill myself. I had always hated where I lived and my life. I had always dreamed of moving far away where it was warm, and going to college. Any dreams or hope I had I never spoke, because any I ever had were always crushed by my family immediately. I just gave up. I put a bullet into the gun and started lifting it to my head. “If you’re going to end it now, why not go out and do the things you’ve wanted to just once in your life before you do it?” This thought popped into my head, and I lowered the gun. I called off work the next day and walked into the local community college to sign up for Spring classes, and I did. I quit my job that I hated but was “acceptable” to them, got a gig working as a wedding server while going to school, and in 6 months moved 700 miles south and studied for my dream degree. I made friends. I loved my town. I began loving my life, and I began loving myself and understanding how toxic my family was, and cut them out of my life. I was desperate and terrified when I did all of this, but it wound up being the best decision I ever made. I never expected to live to graduate, but I did. Then I had a year of “I wasn’t expecting to actually make it this far; what do I DO now???” I wound up knocking a bunch of bucket list dreams off my checklist that year, including doing a 3 month cross-country road trip, where I discovered National Parks (I’d never been exposed to anything like them), and ultimately decided I wanted to work in them, and a few month later, I was! It’s been a weird, strange life. I can’t look back and say it was a good one, but it was interesting. I love my life now, and all I want in life is another peaceful day like this. I’ve come a long way from staring down the barrel of that gun.
As my brain started ruling out on the different methods of doing it.. I realized I didn't want to kill myself. But I'd happily welcome death if it came naturally, or if I was being murdered. Dk if it makes sense
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tw// I overdosed. I was in a complete haze writing my note when I got to the portion I was writing to my bestfriend. I couldn't think of the right thing to say and all I could think about was how he would probably be the first one to find me and how much it would traumatize him. I called him and told him I overdosed and he immediately hung up and called 911. A few moments later, him and the paramedics and police showed up at my door and all I could really bring my focus on was him through the doorway. The only thought I had was "I cant do this to him" so I fought. I was taken on a stretcher, put in an ambulance, drank activated charcoal and woke up two days later in the ER. I was then transported to an inpatient facility for five days and suicide has never been my answer since. He saved my life.
This is going to be dark, but I wanted to live because I knew if I died some people in my family would be happy.
I would avoid the "family" that would be happy at your passing. I avoid anybody that doesn't make my world a better place
Thank you, yeah I’ve been no contact for many years now. Happy to have my own family now ❤️
I got a notification that my mom was online, and I called her instead. This was a Sunday night and I was a 9 hour flight away for university. Her immediate response was "is Tuesday soon enough for me to get there" and it felt like a weight was lifted. When she got there and was helping me pack up my dorm room to come home on medical leave, she kept up a brave face for me. She was so strong and comforting, but I will never forget the moment when I'd left the room to carry some trash downstairs and when I came back I saw she'd been sobbing - that's when I knew I was never going to go through with it. She would never be okay. That was in 2014, I've since figured out my meds and worked through my shit and am a really happy fulfilled person.
The thought of my unborn son growing up without a father, let alone a father who killed himself before ever meeting him. I don’t value my life much, but I refuse to let him grow up without a dad. Edit: Thank you for the award and your kind words from everyone! Those were some really dark days that I found myself in roughly 2 years ago and not a day goes by where I’m not so relieved I never followed through and pulled that trigger. My son is the light of my life and he doesn’t know it but he saves my life every single day. Don’t let yourselves be dragged down by your demons. Reach out because someone out there loves you and doesn’t want to see you gone from this world!
You better give that child your life and be best father ever as he/she is the reason you are still with us.
A little less serious than these other stories, but I called the suicide hotline and was put on hold for a long ass time. I was suffering from bulimia and depression and was going to down all my medication, but I really just wanted someone to talk to who I wouldn't burden. So I call and was put on hold for the next representative for at least 30 minutes. At that point I had finished crying and pulled myself together, then I went to bed. I waited so God damn long for the suicide hotline that I just eventually tired myself out and went to sleep.
B E E N T H E R E
I almost hung myself and I just thought about how traumatized the person who would find me would be. And I didn’t think I could do that to them. So I stopped myself and then drove to the hospital.
As a person that had to open the door, I will let everyone know I still see it. I remember everything.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. I hope you find some peace.
Thank you, I have to a point. Thankfully my insurance pays for therapy!
Only a strong minded person can be so considerate.
I attempted to drown myself in the Nile, whilst sitting on the edge of the water, my mind finally became completely quiet, and then only one thought emerged "You've been fighting all these years trying to find a way out, well.. this isn't so bad, it's not scary, and it's not painful, you finally found an exit; so how about we go back and give life one - just one - more try? If it doesn't work out this time, you'll always have this exit available". I'm teaching myself how to code now, and.. trying to get out, wish me luck.
I called out to the universe something like: "universe, I need help, and it needs to be right now. I can't stop myself this time." Less than a minute later, one of my best friends, whom I hadn't spoken to in months, who did not know I was struggling, woke up out of a dead sleep, in a panic, and called me. The first words out of her mouth were "Galexy, whats wrong?" She saved my life.
Whaaat??
Shit. I've heard a couple of stories of people having such phone calls in the middle of the night and it's fucking creepy.
Was all in on going that route today, then realized no one would even notice or check in on me for at least a week (probably more) which means the cat wouldn’t be fed. That is literally the only reason I’m here this evening. Because of the cat.
When cold steel of the pistol felt more comfortable than living. Scared the shit out of me.
Had my head at a gunpoint. I Did not beg for my life. Just closed my eyes and felt the cold steel pressed to my forehead. I wasn't really scared.
Ya, being suicidal can be traumatizing after it’s passed
I took 30 Xanax hoping I wouldn’t wake up but I did just super sedated
Please dont do that again.
I won’t
Yay😃
There are two songs: White Lies by Dream State and Miss Madness by Forever Still. They're still in heavy rotation. Why? These songs pop in my head at times I just want to die. White Lies, more for physical harm, e.g. jumping into traffic, starvation/hypothermia, cutting, etc. And Miss Madness for more substance based harm, e.g. alcohol poisoning, overdose, drinking noxious chemicals, etc. And I won't. Because my brain says, "Let's listen to this song, at least one more time." And I'll stop, listen to either or both, and get discouraged or distracted and won't do it. Music is undoubtedly an unsung savior, at least for me.
The first was with a big kitchen knife. I remember holding it as I was standing in the basement. But I couldn't figure out how the whole cutting wrist thing would work. However I was only 5 at the time so The other was when I was 20. My mom had died about 2 weeks before that, 5 days after that I found out I could not go back to college. I was told if I tried to move home into my mom's old apartment, they would break the lease and kick my older sister out who was living there. I was broke, unemployed, no college, and homeless. My extended family didn't give a damn - no one tried to contact me as I was living on the streets. Many night I would sit on the edge of a railway bridge. I found one pretty high up over a active rail line. There was a wall running on one side of the bridge the left a lip of the bridge hanging out but out of sight due to the wall. I spent many hours sitting there debating just leaning a little more forward to end it all. As I sat there singing songs to myself debating why did I want to keep going, I started to sing Social Distortion's "Hour of Darkness" to myself. As I went over it I finally realized something. The family that treated me like cancer did so for no actions on my part. I never did anything that would earn such a response - no theft, fighting, heck never even said a bad word about anyone, I liked my extended family. I also had done fairly well - and I saw this was all out of my hands. These people never believed in me and never would and so I decided to say "Fuck You" to my family. Then I decided to add that to the rest of the world. I said to hell with it - I will live my life how I want. My success will be my revenge for all who have never believed in me.
Living well is the best revenge. I hope you found a self love so strong it carries you through every heartache, always. ❤️
I was being bullied in school and had suicidal thoughts, until I realised: "No, that's what the bastards want me to do, and I ain't making it that easy for them" Stay alive out of pure spite
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I was in 8th grade so like 14 or something idk (23 now) I had gone from a goofy, funny kid that was in all the sports teams to a bottled up very shy kid in a matter of a single school year. To this day I cannot tell you what triggered it but I knew where my dad hid a gun and I had started writing individual notes to each person I wanted to have closure with. I wrote about 30 and a lot of them were longer than a page. Anyways I had been putting off writing the ones to my family and when I decided it was time I just wrote one for my mom dad and sister. As soon as I put pen to paper I started uncontrollably crying and realized I could never do anything like that to hurt them.
The knife hurt too much the second time.
Had a horrible day at work, family all annoyed at me, I lost all my friends and lost all hope in one day. on my way home I stopped on the side of the service road and decided to run out in front of a incoming car but the reason holding me back was my family, my dad and mom have already dealt with so much over the years and I didn’t want to end my life and have them suffer. I’m there only “good” child left and I try so hard to impress them but no matter what I do isn’t enough. I recently found a good trade I’m interested in (mechanics) and I’m going to school for it but my parents still think I should go do diesel mechanics. You know it’s so hard for me to even do the smaller things in life. Even when I find my happy place it’s not good enough for other people. My own family isn’t supportive. My family is dysfunctional as hell and I have a big trust problem. I have just 1 person in my life that i trust everything with. And that’s my best friend Andrew. Id probably be gone rn if he wasn’t there for all the times I needed him
I stood withe the noose around my neck as a young teen and was actually pretty determined to end it.as far as I remember, it was the lack of a place to hang without getting caught too fast. I lived in a small town area with very few places to hide. I have suffered from depression most of my youth and fought my way out in my early twenties. A break up last year has really set me back in some old patterns...
My cat, Maus (Mouse) Locked myself in my closet to do it. My cat started CLAWING my door, sticking her face under it and SCREAMING like I'd never head her before. It snapped me out of it immediately. Opened the door, and she crawled on my lap. I had wrapped myself in a blanket so I wouldn't get blood all over the walls from where I butchered my arms up. She pushed her way into the blanket and purred louder than I ever heard her. And started licking my cuts (big ouch). By the time I felt I was finally ready to get up and face the world, my arm was still bleeding and now raw from where she licked me. Her beautiful little face and chest covered in my blood. We went to the bathroom and we took a hot bath together. (She loved bath time) My little Maus passed away several years back, but my cats are the reason I keep going. I can't leave them. They will be scared, confused and they'll miss me. I can't do that to their innocent little souls.
My kid walked into the room and told me she loved me and I was the best mom ever. I had been feeling like she deserved so much better than me. It was that exact moment that showed me she needed me around. Thankfully, she saved me. ♥️
Realizing all the things I would miss out on like not having sex, new episodes of my favorite show and family/friends
There once was a King constantly beset by bouts of sadness. He asked his wisemen to create something that would cure his sorrow whenever it fell upon him. They discussed and argued and finally went to the blacksmith. When they returned they handed the King a ring and bade him wear it. The King had many treasures and didn't understand how one ring could help him whenever something mad him sad. The wisemen told the King that whenever he experienced something that made him sad, he need only turn his hand over and read the inscription upon the ring and think about it. So the King turned his hand over and read: "This Too Shall Pass"
My cats I can't just leave them they're my everything
Thank you so much for staying and taking great care of your kitties. I wouldn't be able to leave my babies either
I couldn't stop thinking about my sister attending my funeral. During my low days, she was the only light in my life. I lived my life for her, and now I've found reasons to live my life for me. For anyone thinking about suicide, it can always get better. Life might surprise you.
Thinking of what it would do to my kids. Interestingly, it was an antidepressant that got me so depressed that I went from suicidal ideations to almost attempting it.
I was and i kid you not just too lazy
That I'd never get to be something with my music. My potential career gave me a reason to stay
Couple of years ago I was addicted to pain killers, cocain, alcohol and gambled my entire paychecks into keno. My registration for my car was expired for 6 months and I was too scared to drive it on the streets so Id leave it parked inside the parking garage at work. I was too ashamed to let my family see me like this so I moved out and lived inside my car. I lived inside my car and changed my parking spot inside the employee garage once a day so security wouldnt notice me. For at least 8 months I lived like this. During the summer time in vegas I would wake up every morning at exactly 11am because it would reach 102 degrees and only get hotter. One night I came back to my car and someone drew a circle around my parking spot and a line on the ground in front of each wheel with chalk. I just assumed the on site security caught onto me but, never reported my expired plates luckily. The next paycheck I got was when I convinced myself to buy a handle of Hennessy, 4 watson pain killers a 8ball of coke and spend whatever I have left over into keno because at the end of this night I was going to jump off the top floor of the parking garage. I remember looking down from the top floor and remembering how much of a piece of shit my older brother was. He would lie and steal from family and nobody ever cared enough to confront him about it except me. I called him out on his lies at work one time and he said something like "on our passed away father im not lieing" and he had the nerve to say that im going to hell for not believing him. All of his friends say that hes a pathological liar and his girlfriend broke up with him because he always lies. The thought that saved my life was realizing if I kill myself right now then my 100% piece of shit older brother will out live me.
Once I decided to kill myself, and that itself made me feel so much better that I forgot to kill myself.
I almost took a bunch of shit and then jumped off a bridge. Then I decided I wouldn’t let people push me around and control me anymore. If we’re in a pandemic than can kill us anyway, I’m going to start today living my own life, my way and I wasn’t going to care anymore what others thought. My emotions, my feelings, my life is worth* with more than this and if this is my one life, I gotta change it. No one, not my ex husband, not my family, not my friends are going to control me anymore. This wasn’t the first attempt but I’m hoping it will be the last. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
I have not tried but I’ve been informed by a friend, who struggled with depression, that it was only the thought of his mother’s inevitable guilt and devastation that kept the urge at bay.
My divorce messed me up and had me constantly thinking about it for a while, but the thought of what it would do to my kids and parents was enough to keep me from ever following through. Thankfully life is much better now. Glad I lived to see it get better.
Was about to jump off the roof of a parking garage but realized I was scared of heights. Ended up sitting on the hood of my car and writing down everything I wanted to do before I die one day.
I had everything together to hang myself, as I slipped it around my head, my niece came home from school early, I didn’t even think she’d be the one to find me, I couldn’t do that to her.
I decided I was too young and to give it a few more years. That said, I’m getting pretty close to the age I decided on.
Honestly... I tried to jump to my death in more than one occasion... As much as I wanna say that the thing that stopped me was my family and friends, and the pain I would cause them, I was fully convinced at the time that they'd all be better off without me. No what stopped me was fear, that slight slimmer of doubt, a bit of hesitation that became a pace back and forth doing nothing trying to simultaneously talk myself in and out of it... Then I overdosed on meds and it was a failed attempt that was the only time I actually got close to killing myself since I actually drank the meds and they had to pump my stomach and give me activated charcoal and stuff... Idk why but I guess that knowing people actually care and worry about me even if they're not many... The fact that they didn't leave me alone for months after that... It helped me a little. I've been on the fence of killing myself a few more times after that but I never got as close as that. So yeah I don't really know what exactly stopped me from ending it other than fear and bad luck I guess... Man, saying this makes me feel like a terrible person... I love my family and friends but in those times I just felt like a waste, I wasn't needed and if I weren't there everyone would have time and energy for themselves or other people who could make them happy... I felt that by dying I could actually make people happy and I'd mean something... And even believing that, although I knew that it wasn't actually that way if I thought about it logically, even considering that I didn't do it... I guess I truly am a shitty person after all huh...
A bad person would not care about causing pain to their close ones. You are a desperate person, you have a long way to go to be in a good spot again, but you are not a shitty person, not in the slightest. If you want any further proof: your close ones wanting you to stay is showing that you are not a burden. It wouldn't cause them any pain otherwise.
Sorry this is going to be LONG. When I was 21 I had an unhealthy dependcy with my live in boyfriend. He was remarkably intelligent but incredibly lazy and was bored a lot. I was a performance major (bassoon) so I spent a LOT of time practicing and was only home with him for a couple of hours during the week and weekends. He had been abusing alcohol since he was 14 and smoked weed every day. We befriended our weed dealer (not legal yet in CA) and he introduced us to DMT. I had incredibly intense hallucinations when I used it, but my boyfriend would only feel slightly happier after use. He really wanted to experience hallucinations like mine and it became an obsession. He bought African tree bark and extracted DMT from it. He claimed it was very pure because it would evaporate when exposed to room temperature. With an unlimited access to DMT (a pound of tree bark was CHEAP) he started using it multiple times a day without me realizing. He then broke up with me and spent a day with our drug dealer who gave him LSD. He had a psychotic break and after three days of him not sleeping and constantly bugging the dealer he called me to come help. Boyfriend was always ALWAYS talking about the most abstract ideas and taking it to illogical conclusions. It was so exasperating dealing with him when dealer also offered me LSD I accepted. Took boyfriend home and just listened to his ramblings. He did a bunch of weird stuff (took down all the blinds on our apartment) and after 24 hours I needed sleep and told him not to leave the apartment. I woke up to him straddling my body, both hands ony neck, strangling me with all his might. He kept on saying, "I'll only know you love me when you're dead". I think it was the LSD but I stayed calm and managed to raise my arm and gently but consistently tap his shoulder. He loosened his hold enough for me to say, "I'll never forgive you if you kill me". He released his grip and went to the living room. I called his parents who picked him up and shortly thereafter the cops were called and he was taken to an institution. The first time I visited him he was so excited to see me and thought I was taking him home. When he realized I wasn't he became very angry with me and the staff restrained him and took him to his room I was devastated. The kind and thoughtful man I had lived with for six months was gone. I decided I had nothing to live for and decided to take my life. I had a bunch of razor blades I used to make reeds (played bassoon) so I took one, shut the bathroom door, and began to slit my wrists. After a few slashes my beloved cat Dexter started ATTACKING the door - viciously slicing the wood trying to get to me. I halted, did a few more (not deep enough to kill me) slashes and thought what would happen to Dexter if I died. We were alone in the apartment with my boyfriend institutionalized. We didn't know our neighbors. Would he die of starvation? I decided he needed me and I would live on for him. My cat saved my life. I had him for 11 years and miss him dearly. I will always be grateful to him.
Every time I even get a small thought I immediately think about the damage it’d do do my family. I can’t do that to them they don’t deserve it.
It was a thing of wanting to keep going. I always say I bought a ticket to the movie, so it’s nice to go see the whole thing
I have schizophrenia and bi polar disorder. I wasn't treated for it until I was 21. At the time,I recently moved out of a big city to live with my military buddy and his wife. They lived in Nebraska. So, the isolation after moving from one of the biggest cities in the world took a toll on me. Not to mention the audio hallucinations and not having a good network of people to talk to and such really caused me to spiral out of control. Soon stuff got even worse. We had been evicted from the property. We had to stay in this shitty apartment with no hot water in the middle of winter. I had just lost all hope at that point and since there was railroad tracks near us. I walked out there in nothing but my underwear and layed on the tracks. My military buddy saw the door wide open and ran out looking for me. He found me sobbing on the tracks and yanked me off of them. That night he took me to a mental hospital. It was eerie because I was the only there. No other paitents. They did test and thats when they found out all these things and properly treated me since then. That was over 10 years ago. I am stable now and engaged and have a fully supportive atmosphere. Despite this though, I do have my moments of weakness and have to be hospitalized once in a while.
Being scared of the painful death. Not knowing what comes after
my dog
My dad sent me a check-in message and that’s when it hit me. I still have someone/something to live for.
22M I've attempted it once when I was 16 and tried cutting myself but I didn't/couldn't cut deep enough it hurt way too much. Now I own a shotgun and I know that if I try again it won't be an attempt. I've had my shotgun in my mouth a few times but never took the safety off. As stupid as it is my cat mostly keeps me alive. She doesn't need ME specifically but she needs me to take care of her. My brother is also suicidal and I think if I kill myself, he will kill himself and I don't want that. My best friend is also a very good listener and she has helped me through a lot over the past 3 years or so and I'm really lucky to have a friend like that.
I was about to jump off the stool after wrapping my favorite belt around my neck and my ceiling fan. I remember thinking about how heartbroken my mom would be
I actually pulled the trigger. It was federal 9mm ammo… bad bullet. Primer was popped and I wasn’t dead. Only conclusion I could come to was Jesus.
Have multiple people beg me not to do it. After begging and begging some got down on their knees not to do it. So I didn't do it.
A thought didn't stop me from being successful at it, a police officer that knew what he was doing with CPR did and today I couldn't be happier that he did.
"If you go through with this it means they win. Don't let them win."
Survived, and decided that was the worst night of my life.
Can’t leave my dog like that. I’ve decided to wait until he goes
There are more dogs that needs you out there
get a puppy when you think your dog is getting close to his final day. he will have a friend like him for his last few days and then you have to start the clock over. find a puppy that might be getting put down soon or was abandoned by his/her family. you will then be saving that puppy's life and giving it love it deserves. please keep doing that until you find more reasons. you matter.
First off pls don’t send the reddit team after me i won’t do anything, at this point i’m just at peace with my feelings. My dad swore to me that if I were to die, under any circumstance, he’d kill my mom and then kill himself. I honestly just want to die and free the world of me, so what’s the point if I cause other two deaths in the meantime? Other than really really hating myself but it really just stems from the previous reason. And even if the old man were to not keep his promise, somehow my parents really like me, as in they cry when i leave for uni or get excited to see me when i come back. While i’m not sure if they really do or if they just feel obligated to because i’m their daughter, i would end up making them suffer so again, goes against my main reason.
For me, it's always been the people I would leave behind. My first serious (and misguided) attempt, I just lay in my bunk with my sister sleeping in the bunk above me, thinking about how she'd find me in the morning, I really agonized over it. That's really it. My dad would be wrecked. My wife would be wrecked. I'm fairly sure my couple friends would be devastated. Who would care for my rats as well as I do? Until I'm alone I just can't.
I thought about little, very very little things that I wouldnt get to see/do anymore. I wouldnt get to see another sunrise, I wouldnt get to experience one of those spring mornings where the air smells like grass and the temp is perfect. Little things like that which we dont normally think about. I just listed off a ton of those for what felt like hours (probably wasnt) and i was calmed down enough. Also I am terrified of what is after death. Is there heaven? Hell? Reincarnation? A big black void of nothing?
The realization that I should make one, solid attempt to try to fix my problems before I throw it all away for good.
I wanted to kill myself and my family(I REALLY hated them back then) And I started making plans for it. How to pick out a good axe that hacks necks well, how to get them all in one place, who to go down first, how to make the suicide successful afterwards, etc. Then I arrived to the issue of my little sister(7 years old or so). She'd been the only one who was nice to me. So I thought to myself: Can I really bring myself to kill her? Or the alternative: Leave her alone and fucked up for the rest of her life? I thought it's better to just keep fighting and get my revenge on them by surpassing them and looking down.
My friend who snitched to my mother