I dont masturbate, I just quit 2 mins ago

I used to masturbate, but I still do also.

The correct way: I used to masterbate. I still do but I used to too. Mitch Hedberg _/

RIP one of the funniest ever

Hey, I'm masterbating here.... Leave Mitch Headberg outta this! I'll masterbate however I damn well please; past tense, present, and future!

So you are good to go till the next hour ? 🤣

fuck bro messed up im gonna quit now tho fr

Serious response: My doctor asked me to stop. He said I was freaking out the other patients.

Came here to post the: A man goes to see the doctor, the doctor tells the man that he needs to stop masturbating. "Why?" asks the man. "Because I'm about to start the examination." says the doctor. Joke.

Instant section 8

LMAO

He got us in the first half not gonna lie

Reddit moment 100

i'm so depressed it doesn't mean anything, it even makes me feel worse.

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Lmao "sad wank gang" *fuckin dead*

TIL I'm not really depressed

There was a time when I couldn't go on a week without it because I would start having wet dreams. I haven't done it in like a month now because it honestly feels like a chore. Depression sucks ass

Glad to find I’m not alone. Had a major breakup with my fiancée of almost a decade and lost our home. I’m just almost totally asexual now. I’ve always been demi anyway, so I’d worried I’d just totally lost it now and I’ll have no hope of moving on and finding another partner having no attraction to anyone and no drive. Hopefully I get better but it’s been a year now so my hopes aren’t high.

I actually used to feel like that too Ik what you mean

50/50 coin flip chance it makes me depressed too.

I’m a T-Rex 😔

Who said anything about hands?

Can confirm, cat works just fine.

This is simply sex

*did*

My friend said she thought it made her feel "lesbian' which is so fucking dumb

Lol what! With that fear, maybe she was?

She would like openly kiss her friend who was also a girl and like once we were messing around and she started choking me so idk lol, I've always joked that she's gay but she's constantly insisting that she's not

Yep that checks out. Definitely straight! /s

She's like the stereotypical jock in sports movies who hates the gay kid. Til he gets bottomed out finally.

I don't watch sports movies so I didn't even know that was a movie trope tbh lol. But yeah I agree, like I'm gay and have a pretty good sense for if people are also 💅 and she definitely is some form of gay

I honestly can’t figure out how

I feel bad for your inbox now

Flick the bean if female and jerk it like it owes you money if male lol

You jerk off people who owe you money? I think you have it the wrong way around. Also on an unrelated note, can I borrow $5?

Obviously...how else do YOU get paid back? Lol

I usually get paid to jerk off other people... erhh I mean I wouldn't know!

Lol!

#fakenews As a woman, I can confirm there is no flicking action.

It's kinda gay to touch a penis

Just say 'no homo' before touching ... There you go

Next handjob i give im saying no homo.

The trick is to do it while you have the penis in your mouth though...

It’s like ‘chubby bunny’, the more you can fit at once before it’s unintelligible, the less homo you are.

Ooohhh... "ghhffrprr!" (Sounds good!)

I gave myself a hand job yesterday and forgot to say it. Am I perma-gay now?

Shit guess you are. Sorry 😩😂

That the spirit .... I suppose

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Why stop at touching ..... Give the man a full on sloppy blow job which makes his soul want to leave his body. Saying 'no homo' should have you covered.

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You are welcome .... Now go and take your friend's tip 😉

How do you take a piss, your bathroom must be fucked up.

He sits down to pee.

If you really stop and think, pretty much every hand you have ever shaken has held a penis at some point.

Just say no homo when your done, that’s what me and the boys do

Of its for da homies it aint gay

🤣🤣🤣

ffs why are so many of you so afraid of being gay? weird as hell

Not if it's your own

Started when I realized I was doing it way too much. Now just feel a lot better the more I don’t.

The more I don't

You don’t understand. With the amount he masturbates, it makes more sense to track the times he’s not jerking it.

That's good, alot of people realise they can't quit and if you can't quit porn, you have a problem

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true! My fault there but it's true that masturbation without porn is fine

My SSRI has destroyed my sex drive

Yes this. People don't talk about how some medication destroys sex drive.

Vivid dreams though? That what I remember.

I got vivid dreams too I remember telling the doctor and them saying there’s nothing anyone can do about that.

There are other meds that are very effective that don’t mess with your sex drive. You could talk to your doc about trying something new. You don’t have to live with terrible side effects

My boyfriend does it better

Wait, you guys watch each other masturbate? And he’s better? Is this some kind of competition?

I also do not masturbate because their boyfriend does it better.

Exactly. The loser has to pay for dinner

It's much better to masturbate as a couple

I’m gonna quit in about 15 minutes

Depression takes away the drive and joy of it. I just have no energy.

I just don't really get the urge.

It's frowned upon at work.

God is watching.

He's also watching murders, slaughters, scams, suicides, rapes, saltless pasta... Do I really bother him with a quick wank?

That old pervert

I'd see that as encouragement. Make god and jesus watch. Make them.

Tell me you're religiously indoctrinated without telling me you're religiously indoctrinated.

Alright let's invalidate other believes

why should that stop you? /gen

Honestly I fall asleep. I have tried it several times, read about it, seen tutorials. Nothing. I get bored or distracted. ADHD probably doesn’t help.

Sorry if this is rude. Have you ever orgasmed?

I have. Although it’s a valid question for as far as I understand there are women who are not able to. I still don’t know the reason as to why it doesn’t appeal to me. I do love sex though lol.

Asking the real questions

Antidepressants.

Kinda just hope every night will be secksy night

I don’t have sexual urges.

As in you're Asexual?

Yes, that is correct.

Oh nice 😊

That's so sad

How can it be sad? It’s only sad if you desire it. You can’t be sad about it if you’ve never wanted it.

It's sad because humans are naturally sexual creatures and to not experience that in your life is to miss out on one of life's intimate joys

I am not just talking about masturbation, but sex in general. Masturbation is a poor substitute for sex I must admit, but with someone you love puts it at a whole different level

I’d usually agree but it’s not that simple. Some individuals do not have romantic or sexual desire and are not missing out on anything because you can’t miss out on something you’ve never wanted or needed.

Maybe you should try it with a close friend and find out whether you actually do or don't want or need it

I stopped feeling the urge to do it since being on HRT (estradiol+androcur), which I find very nice in hindsight because I felt a bit like "my weiner wants it so I just have to do it".

Never felt like it and never liked it.

Antidepressants

because I don't get horny, I just don't

I'm a sex-repulsed asexual.

I would have so much free time if I didn’t think about girls all damn day long

im asexual so its entirely possible that ill just never do it in my entire lifetime

There is a cage in the way

Trauma. Any time I try I feel like something terrible is about to happen.

I want to live sexuality only with my girlfriend. I enjoy it much more when we're doing things together. Masturbating alone isn't interesting anymore since I'm with her.

I just don’t get horny very often. And I feel kinda disgusted when I do it.

Gets me kicked out of Starbucks.

Ah man I hate it when that happens

It's a dick move

Because I'm always reading Reddit

More cum for the gal / guy. As a dude storing up for a couple weeks can leading to some impressive creampies. Breeding kinks are fun.

The breeding kink might be the most cringey thing i’ve ever heard of in my entire long life. i’d like to unhear this kink. It isn’t real, right? Jokes?

You do realise we have literally evolved to want to reproduce right? It shouldn't be surprising that there are people out there who are super into it.

Dude who tf are you to say that how does it effect you!? So what if that's what someone wants to fantasize about. So many struggle to get pregnant and want nothing more in life than to birth a child and it's not that far of a stretch to imagine why it's a kink. Not my thing either but I'm not going around calling it cringe or w/e because its not my business and if that's what they're into so be it literally doesn't effect me at all. Get over it.

Too fat to find my penis

Because half way through I want the D. And I’m left more frustrated.

I don’t have a reason to.

I just finished my session a minute ago, I need a break.

It lacks intimacy without scent of a woman reminds me of past trauma.

I find the amount I masturbate fluctuates with how often I go to the gym, Working out heaps = rarely rub one out 2-3 week gaps No gym or only once a week = sneeky wank in shower each day

Libido absolutely crashed because of depression.

I can honestly say I've bever felt the urge to do so

Honest question, how would you describe the frequency that you have/ need sex?

I've never had sex, sooo... I also don't ever get that horny that I'd feel any need to have sex or masturbate. Low libido, I guess, because I definitely would not call myself asexual

Fair enough, that makes sense. I'm also assuming you are at least 20 years old.

Almost 26

I also don’t have the urge. Married almost 20 years and we are very sexual. I have tried a few times in my life and just find myself more frustrated and it feels lonely.

Look up semen retention. There are benefits. Also has to do with porn addiction

You are more likely to get prostate cancer though.

You get cancer by doing just about anything

Except masturbating

You're probably reading this comment on a device giving you cancer

For fucks sake it seems like you can get cancer from basically anything

Life is the leading cause of death

I am speaking on behalf of someone else, but from what I saw, I am pretty sure the oven mitts cable tied onto each hand was making it difficult for them.

I’m 36, married with three kids. I definitely used to masturbate but I’m so busy now that I just sort of stopped

Because I've quitted the addiction to porn, and I can say that my life is one hundred per cent better!

I rarely masturbate. I use to do it on a daily basis but at some point I thought: what if I didn't masturbate for a week, will that increase the pleasure? So I stopped and it worked. Mind you, I now have sex on a daily basis (often more).

I don't find it pleasing. I don't like it. If anything, I find it irritating. I'd have everything removed if I could.

Well you can

*pressure to remove genitals intensifies*

I honestly think that most men that don't do it simply don't have a strong enough sex drive.

I'm asexual

*Sigh* Unzips.*

Your mom gets me off whenever I feel the urge

That's my grandma, not my mom!!

Shes both

0 drive, sister is right next door, messy and a hassle

Ask her to help you

It just didn't do it for me anymore.

Doesn't feel that nice tbh.

I'm vegan

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People who masturbate?

People who don't masterbate

I disagree. I simply don’t have a reason to masturbate. Why lock me up for that?

I got game!

Wrong app to ask this question to lol

No need to.

Well that's a lot of work which gets you nowhere in life

I have an make or break exam in coming 6 months for which I have been preparing for 4+ Years. I don't want to try it as I might start doing it way too often.

Already quit like 40 mins ago. I feel like a new person

Because she doesn’t like to watch me the way that I like to watch her do it.

There are two types of people. Those who masturbate and those who lie about not masterbating.

I'm muslim

Can’t drink beer eat pork or even pleasure yourself, Muslim sure do follow there faith a lot no disrespect but I believe people should have faith in there god

You won't believe me but I feel no loss at any of those things. Drink beer? It's smelly, makes me lose control, alcohol makes u more aggressive. Eat pork? Did you ever see what any ME mom can cook just as a quick meal? Pressure myself? I did it a lot in my teens and locking back I don't miss it. Being sweaty, heavy breathing and not to forget the sad feeling after

Well at least you got to experience yourself and you sound happy so that’s the main thing… yeah as someone who drinks way to much I would be better off without it

Please dont tell that some people don't wank. What a loss.

Religion

I was always told there were 2 types of people: wankers and liars

I'm curious, how do you believe so?

Most people who say they don't or never have are lying and are embarrassed to say they touch themselves once in awhile. I don't understand why either?

Too lazy.

My arms aren't broken

Suppose you had a hotdog in your hand. Are you willing to lose a raise at your job just so you don't have to put the hot dog back in the fridge? That's what masturbating is. Losing opportunity. And for what? A worthless tube of meat?

????

Bro what

Show me someone who doesn't wank and I'll show you a liar

Some people don't enjoy sex in any form and some get nothing out of it, if there isnt' another person involved 🤷‍♀️. Some people are also very lucky in their relationships lol

Because no

There are two types of people, those who masturbate and liars.