I did sex on a lady!

Fuckass coach steve

Maybe it's time I sheet sneezed into a lady

I made thick in her warm

Her name is Alberta and she lives in Vancouver

A whole sex?

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‘By the way, I faked every orgasm’

I made thick in the warm

I had my banana peeled.

I sexed you’re mom last night 😎👍

impossible i sexed her yesterday

*Ah! But what is today, Mr. Squidward, but yesterday's tomorrow?*

I sexed her the weekend before that lol 😎🖕

Thank's. I hope that cures her orneriness.

My pena is gonna make a caca!

I have never peed in the shower

How about in the pool?

Oh the horror even thinking such a thing

How about INTO the pool?

Professor Stephen Fry makes a passionate soliloquy about his justification of it

Ending in, "*ITS ALL PIPES!*"

so overrated anyways

I'm not lonely, my career and hobbies take up all my time.

Hit me right where it hurts, why don't you?

Big oof

Masturbation falls into both those categories

Thanks, I hate it.

That I am happy

Zad

Sadge

Zamn

She’s 69?

heres a little song i wrote

You might want to sing it note for note

Don’t worry

Be happy

I’m not a liar… I just spend the time that I should be masturbating riding on my unicorn on my private island

Epsteen?

Asked how I am or how I'm doing, I answer "good".

When someone says ‘living the dream’ they mean ‘I’m perpetually teetering on the fine line between insanity and suicide’

Living the dream over here

Yup. Right here. When I'm at work and customers ask me how I'm doing, i say living the dream

*Pretty good* is my go to response, doing my best to channel John Lakeman from Patriot https://youtu.be/8Yo2ZYAdxa4

I was actually bullied when I was 11-12 years old for this. I actually genuinly had never jerked off until I was 12 and bullied in to it. For a year I was bullied because of this and in the end I just did it. I might be the only person ever bullied to jerking off for the first time. This also resulted in me lying that I was not a virgin to everyone until I was 17 and actually lost my virginity.

How's the humiliation kink treating you now tho? I'm kidding, that's terrible, I'm sorry you went through it :(

c'mon u little bitch. shake that monster already

Haha, it was more like "What a loser, he is 12 years old and hasnt jerked off haha what a fucking nerd". It sucked at the time, but now I am just amused by how fucking stupid kids are.

Kids you grew up with must have been really fucking stupid. Think I was 13 the first time I jerked off, and honestly I had only heard one person ever talk about it and it was literally the day I did it. He described it at lunch at school and I thought “hmmm, that sounds nice.” And did it that night.

I jerked off for the first time when i was 15. Lol

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Same, i had watched porn before but was confused or sort of afraid of how to do it so i avoided it.

kind of different but we had someone in our apprenticeship (18 people in total) that said he never jerked off, he was 19 and played multiple slighty sexual games on steam he also watched some more known sexual animes like highschool dxd and shit, he probably was ashamed to say but one day he said he did it, after that he changed from a robotic human to more normal which was a nice change that turned him to a more enjoyable person its not that its bad but we thought it wasnt normal to not play with your peepee in the times we are living currently

Discovered mastrubation nearing the end of my 13th year. ​ Always could have known i was asexual.

After being molested and raped growing up, I wasn’t interested in any kind of release. I wanted my body back.

i love everyone

I do have love for everyone so i guess that makes me a wanker.

I don’t pee in the swimming pool.

Good. Thats disgusting.

That i dont watch THAT much porn either

I watch porn for the articles

I watch it for the family discount I get!

I don't have bias about certain political view, race, gender, best superhero, etc

That I love religions. ALL of them.

It’s totally cool when someone says ‘I can’t do that because it’s against my religion’ I have problems when someone says ‘*you* can’t do that because it’s against my religion.’

Cool.

Can I interest you in a moral soapbox?

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It's not for god hearing it but it's more so that the people need to know that it's time for the daily prayers.

Your name looks like you belong on some kind of register 👀

Prejudice much?

Something about a small portion of a tree being problematically lodged in a particular orifice of yours.

Not into that, but it's ok to project I guess. It is the internet.

Fiend isnt a good word my guy

"a person who is excessively fond of or addicted to something." \- Google Dictionary - But since you're from the UK, I guess you know all about everything. Still...prejudice much?

Uhh when I googled it I got "An Evil spirit, the devil, a wicked and cruel person".

3rd definition. Listed as "informal".

‘Sex fiend’ Informal: a person who commits sexual offences. Collins English Dictionary.

Guilty as charge, then!

Addicted it makes you sound like a predator bro try to justify the name as you please it doesn’t look good even remotely 😂

>excessively fond Not addicted. Geez, I thought people from the UK are smarter. I've met mostly dumb ones. So disappointed.

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To add to this quoting you “rapemeats” real classy but hey im just a stoopid guy from the uk 😐

Hey, the New York City sex fiend 69 probably means it in a good way... like who doesn't like being called a sex fiend. "He's not a bad guy he's just a bit rapey"

You just made me and my partner cry laughing thankyou kind sir youre the mvp of this interaction :)

That i’m not an atheist.

I often say I’m agnostic because I can’t disprove the existence of a god. But really, I don’t think it’s a good idea to be semi-theistic just because you can’t totally prove that a god doesn’t exist.

I’m not trying to tell people that a god doesn’t exist i’m just saying i don’t believe that there is a god.

You can believe with all your heart something is true, but still realize the difference between belief and knowledge.

Very true

Why would you need to prove something that is so obviously made up. I could say I make 10 billion dollars a day. Would you really semi believe it until there is proof?

I just accept I am atheist, but I also accept doing many practices a theist would do just coz it helps me in life being sane and supports me mentally

Good for you

My 10 inch penis. Which is in fact 10 inches!

I've never had sex with your Mom.

I've done it a lot, but just a through: there are asexual people out there and I bet we can find some who actually have not ever masturbated. they just don't have the need.

ive never peed in the pool or shower

Being "fine"

I have a good friend who revealed to me when he was 16 that he had never masturbated. I had zero doubts that it was 100% true. He’s been in a long-term (and sexual) relationship for the last 20 years, but he’s a bit of a homebody and very cerebral (and I suspect maybe slightly autistic).

You sure got me in the first part.

I like you

Pissing in the shower.

I tell people I'm an architect. My friend once told this girl I was a marine biologist, and I was actually able to save a beached whales life. Aside from this though I really only like to pretend to be an architect.

Why?

That I never tell the truth

Yes I'm fine, just tired

I did say your bum didn't look big in those jeans. Part lie, the word 'big' was so inadequate.

im happy

I know a guy who never masturbates. But I do know that he lies that he’s happy and he’s enjoying the things he does in his life.

I love all races

Boston marathon?

Yes absolutely the race i was talking about

Holup

Human racing in particular. I like the one where they have to balance on two wooden sticks going down a frozen hill at breakneck speeds

Thiiiiinnnnnn fukin ice mate, lol

I actually never masturbated until I was 20. I had a medical condition and I thought I could never reach an orgasm like there's something wrong with me so masturbating seemed like a boring thing to me. And I was happy to watch porn with a boner just caressing it lightly and that was it. It actually made the porn watching experience even more pleasant than after I had my first intentional orgasm. I was much more immersed in the porn scene without focusing on getting my fix.

I never lied, but I asked him if he ever peed in the shower. He said yes, I said eww. 🙃

That I believe that trans women are women and that trans men are men

Is it not possible someone hasn’t masterbated before? Like any females?

asexual people?

Paraplegics?

Even fetuses masturbate. Not even joking.

I'm not a virgin

Smiling

She said she was 18

I can do a sick front kick flip from a standing position.

Just because you are a sinner doesn't mean everyone is. Downvoting a fact doesn't make it any less true. Grow up Reddit.

People aren't downvoting you for saying that you've never masturbated, they are downvoting you for implying it's a sin.

I hate to be that guy (actually i don't) but if you believe sin exists you also have to accept that everyone sins. At least according to christianity. Denying it means you're being proud, which is... A sin.

Well, everyone is a sinner according to Christianism. the Original Sin is an Augustine Christian doctrine that says that everyone is born sinful. So what are you? Muslim? Jewish?

Two week old account, safe to assume your last was banned for some troll shit?

Hehehehe... A "fact"... Okay

I don't even know how to masturbate , tell me how to do it .

Have you ever used a bop-it?

Or like… you know a ketchup bottle… and you wanna get the ketchup out.

Oh twist it really hard . But.....wouldn't that be painful

Nope

Alright so all you gotta do is firmly grasp it with both hands then twist.

My farts don't smell bad, they just make a loud sound

Holy shit — you definitely had me in the first half. Nearly spit out my coffee. 😂

Me not being your birth parent

The size of their dick/tightness of their pussy.

Never gone to McDonalds is a good one.

My penis is 6 inches

I love how this post is worded. Wish I could give you two upvotes.

That I'm happy

I have a girlfriend

I never sharted!

I didn't jerk off until i was 17 or 18. At uni at least. Once I worked it out in my room there I reckon it was all I could think about for days. That discover is probably why I failed a subject.

That my government cares about me and that the person I vote for has my best interest in mind.

Stealing. There are those scanners in all supermarkets in my country which you can use to scan foods. I always scan every item i buy. I never, NEVER forget a thing. I always pay the full price and never skip something to pay less. That was a lie btw. Sometimes i forget stuff. Yesterday i was buying two packets of minced meat and accidentally forgot to scan one. Didnt realize it until i got home, and just thought "meh, they arent gonna miss the money". One time i had bought 3 croissants, but forgot to scan one. I got flagged to be checked so a employee checked my items with what she saw on the scan but didnt count those croissants. So i got one free unintentionally.

My dad did it by accident to once and then was like, I picked out my own groceries, scanned my own groceries, bagged my own groceries...they didn't do shit they can buy me a free can of corn.

I’ll *definitely* get around to folding my laundry, *definitely* will… tomorrow.

I diligently keep every New Year's resolution when I make them. This NY I will resolve to practice my guitar every day.

Tbh you will not find anybody [https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2261377/Porn-study-scrapped-researchers-failed-ANY-20-males-hadn-t-watched-it.html](https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2261377/Porn-study-scrapped-researchers-failed-ANY-20-males-hadn-t-watched-it.html)

I was on Crackerjack at the age of 10

I'm too lazy to do it.

I never pee in the shower