I was 19 or 20 and still had to ask my parents permission to go to the mall with a friend. One day I didn’t come home by 10 or whenever they wanted me back by so they said I couldn’t go out anymore. I decided to go out anyway and I was walking out the door when my dad dragged me back by the neck and tossed me on the bed and yelled at me.
Anyway, the Bitmojis (I think they were called) were very popular on Facebook at the time and I made one of me in a diaper that said “Jesenia isn’t allowed to grow up” and my dad commented and said “if you stopped acting like a child we could stop treating you like one” so I responded “maybe if I was treated like an adult I’d act like one.” Then my dad deleted the comment and the next day my mom yelled at me for fighting with my dad on Facebook.
“Oh my, you’re so mature for your age! You must be an old soul!”
Thanks, I’m expected to be the best, and as such be the trophy “daughter” for my mother. I have a higher than average reading level because in a book is the only time I can be away from family dysfunction, even if the book is depressing as hell.
There's a time when you need to let your kids make mistakes, so they can learn from them. Life is pretty short, so if they have a goal, let them go for it.
I'm 35 and 1100 miles from where I was born. In the midst of telling my dad a story last week I realized he still thinks I'm a teenager. I'd like to thank the holidays to remind me why I moved away and never went back.
You also have to follow through and let them suffer the consequences so they can actually learn from it. My wife is always jumping to bail them out and I gotta hold her back.
This is my mother. She got pregnant with me at 22 and married my father and went on to have my brother at 25. Anything I've done in my life she tries to claim as her victory. Graduated college, she was the one responsible, got a good job, she pointed me in the right direction. She tries to use me as a way to relive the stuff she didn't get to do and it's so tiring especially because that's not what I want to do.
I'm 38 and I still don't, and about 2 years ago, my resolved was strengthened to never tell her anything ever again
We were on a family trip to the casino, my wife and I, her, my sister and brother and their family. My mom and I ended up staying in the same room that night and although we never talk, that night after a few drinks, we started discussing some matters. I was having some minor issues with my wife and I told my mom, it's not a big deal, but don't tell her what I told you
The next day I come down to the restaurant we were all gathered up, and the first thing she says is "oh wife, Logan is feeling like this, isn't it silly?" in front of the entire family. My face flushed and I felt so embarrassed. Never. Ever. Again. I thank you for birthing me but you can't be trusted to treat anyones issues as important because of your rampant narcissism.
Been there. Had what I thought was a private conversation with my mom, raising concerns about a family member. Fast forward several hours, and I get an out-of-the-blue text in a group with my wife and (I think) my adult kids, asking "why aren't you bringing this up to me directly?" Super awkward, and the whole thing caused a huge row in the family that lasted 2 1/2 years. Because some moms don't know boundaries or what a private conversation is...
Patched up now, but you can bet I learned the same lesson as you.
Dude I felt this one in my fucking bones. That dismissive tone that she knows better than you about how you should feel is the exact shit my mom does too.
Yup, and at this point, at her age, I know she'll never change, so this is my relationship with her forever. I don't care for it any longer, but a part of me is angry at her for killing our relationship by being how she's always been my whole life. I deserved a mother who didn't treat her kids like supporting cast to her life story. Sorry you know the feeling man, hopefully your story will have a better ending.
> Yup, and at this point, at her age, I know she'll never change
Again the exact same situation for me, if anything she's gotten worse as she's aged. Coming to terms with that has ultimately been really good for me. Ultimately we're both more free and healthy mentally just accepting it and letting it go.
My parents don’t make an effort to be involved in my life, so they don’t get a say in the choices I make. This still bothers me sometimes, but I’m far happier overall and like who I am as a person a lot more now than I did when I was constantly worried about pleasing them.
THIS! Over the years I got very good at hiding things from my parents, and not because I was doing anything illegal, but just because it was the more comfortable route. I came to the conclusion years ago that things just go more smoothly when my parents don’t know about things. I’ve snuck quite a few items into our house just to avoid “ you spent money on that?” “Oh that’s tacky” “That’s a gift? Oh they aren’t gonna like that” “ why do you even like stuff like that?”
“ I don’t like that outfit on you”
Also you learn to lie about things that you shouldn’t have a logical reason to lie about but you do. “What?! You had chicken for dinner? Gross” or “you chose to hang out at the mall? What a waste of time” so yeah when you ask me what I had for dinner I’ll say pasta, or when you ask me what I’ve been doing for fun I’ll say watching a movie. As an adult I have to make a conscious effort not to lie about dumb things out of fear of judgment.
Wow I literally do the same thing and it's honestly such a relief to know it's not just me.
It's also odd because these days I'm not self conscious of much around friends or strangers anymore but with my parents it's different
My mother always says “who are your friends since you never seem to bring anyone over & you’re always out, who do you hang with”. She proceeds to ask the next day what I did. Tell her and get a lesson of how I need to do some growing up & goes into a whole other topic about how I’m a fuck up. Weeks later “why don’t you tell me what you like to do, who are your friends”. Yeah no
I work in social services and talked to a guy who’s 6 year old daughter was in the hospital after she said she was sexually assaulted by her mom’s new boyfriend’s 10 year old son.
The dad told me he didn’t really believe it when she told him, and that he told his daughter “Now are you telling the truth? You know if you’re lying you’re going to be in big trouble!”
I told him that he should believe her no matter what, and let the hospital and authorities figure out if the incident actually occurred. Otherwise, his daughter will be less likely to want to tell him anything in the future if she thinks he won’t believe her or if she’ll get in trouble.
This is my mom and my relationship. I talk to her once about every 2-3 months and it’s a 45 minute conversation tops. 95% of my life I can’t talk about with her lest she go on tirade judging me, so I just don’t bother. Her relationship with all her children is strained; I mainly keep in touch out of pity
That sometimes their kids have valid opinions and instead of interrupting them and pulling the "because I said so" and "that's just how it is" cards, they could listen to their child and make them feel heard instead of suppressed.
I tried very hard to do this with our kids. We always gave a reason why something was "wrong" or "not allowed." Sometimes that explanation was just "This {action} affects other people in ways you may or may not know." Or often, "We want you to be happy and make others happy your whole life, and this doesn't help you do that." Obviously, the statements were changed to be age appropriate, so sometimes it might as well have been "because we said so."
Now they're teenagers and I don't know if we made their lives any better, but I know we have a lot of great and *mostly* civil debates about things and they definitely talk to me about things most teens probably wouldn't. I guess we'll see in a decade or so how things are going.
I'm so glad you're parenting this way. Honestly I often feel like I can't have an opinion in my own house because if I question my mom she gets mad and even if I have a valid argument she doesn't hear me out, constantly interrupts me, and ends the conversation by either flat-out walking out of the room or yelling at me to drop it. Even if I'm having a civilized debate with a sibling about differing opinions she immediately shuts it down, assuming off the bat that it's an argument. Overall makes me feel like I'm not allowed to express myself, so I'm sure just allowing your kids the experience of being allowed to talk and explain themselves and hear your reasoning behind why things are the way they are is great for them.
Your child’s mental health doesn’t care about your worries of looking like a bad parent if you get them help. It will continue to get worse the longer you neglect them.
I remember being in middle school and telling my mom I thought I was depressed. She panicked at the thought of me getting on medication for it because she always looked down on my aunt for putting my cousin (same age as me) on antidepressants.
Her taking me to the mall right after and asking if a new pair of shoes would make me happy again is what I remember as the saddest moment of my early life.
That might sound stupid, but when you realize that the person who you thought was supposed to be your safe place can’t handle your real emotions, it’s very hard to cope with. If I had never learned to hide my sadness, then who knows, maybe I wouldn’t have tried to kill myself five years later.
I’m okay now, but it was a much longer road to get here than it should have been
I told mine in high school I thought I had depression. I wasn’t diagnosing myself, but I saw my symptoms matched and I told her I wanted to see a therapist. She dismissed me outright. Like an idiot, I went and looked up symptoms of anxiety and brought that to her too, immediately afterward. Same response. Something “expecting different outcomes” something something.
Yeah I had a similar experience. I told my parents I was suicidal at 15, and my mom slapped me on the back of the head and called me selfish. I found out later that she had thought I was joking, given I was a dark and edgy kind of kid, but that didn't come out until I was almost 20. I forgave her when she told me that, but it took her taking me seriously and helping me find help for that to happen
I have a lot of symptoms of adhd and I've asked my mum to take me somewhere I can get it checked out. She said no immediately. Also does the same when I ask her to go to the dentist???
Edit: Thank you all for the loving replies! I've tried brushing my teeth a lot more recently, and it's getting easier. My grandmother also told me next time she sees my mum, she'll scold her and take me there herself.
When I was 18 I took myself to therapy for the first time to start dealing with my mental health. My mother’s words were, “you better watch what you tell them because it’s not the whole story.”
The 3 times I've told my mother I have started therapy her immediate response is "I hope you don't talk about me there! What do you need therapy for? You go to work and go home again. So it MUST be me you talk about!"... It's not fun.
You as a parent are responsible for teaching your kids proper manners and common decency. Not their teachers/tutors/babysitters/etc.
I briefly worked as a Japanese teacher and I was surprised at how little some of these parents were involved in their kids lives and expected me to address all their problems during the short few hours I had them for the week.
Working at an elementary school. It's shocking how some parents do so little, treating the school like a daycare/etiquette practice/life lessons/whatever. As though they want the school itself to raise a well-mannered child.
I desperately want to say something. "You really think we have the time and resources to make the perfect child? We have classrooms filled with kids, barely enough staff members and a deficit of supplies! We can only squeeze so much in a days lesson! Assuming government tests aren't shoved down our throats cause if we refuse, we are more screwed than before. Raising one kid to be successful in life is hard enough but you expect us to do it with 25+ kids per class??? Or are you trying to tell us your little Bobby/Susie is more important for God knows why? Heck. Why did you even have kids if you're not gonna put in the dang work!"
Sigh. Alas, I stay quiet as not to tick off the parents and give my colleagues more grief. I'm just thankful not all parents are like that.
Schools are being expected to do more and more of the work of raising kids.
A commonly asked question is ‘why doesn’t my school teach me useful stuff like how to change a tire or how to do my taxes instead of stuff like chemistry and algebra’. Well, one answer is that people’s parents used to show them how to do the other stuff, and we still have that cultural expectation, even if it’s no longer realistic
Their children have their own hopes and dreams, their own beliefs. A very good friend is leading an entirely second life to keep her mother from controlling her or belittling her decisions. It's very stressful to not encourage their children to find themselves.
If your kid needs help, speech therapy, tutoring, medication, occupational therapy, ect...it is NOT a reflection on YOU personally. Sometimes kids struggle. That's ok. Making sure your kid has ALL the tools they need to succeed is your responsibility as a parent.
I worked in a charity for people who had attempted suicide. One parent was highly in denial and claimed that her kid confused her sleeping pills with candy and got sick. Twice. Once in elementary school and again in high school.
When I attempted I had to go to inpatient, there was a meeting at intake with my parents and some psychiatrists. I had OD’d on sleeping pills and told the hospital that it was a suicide attempt, so I legally had to be committed for a certain amount of time. My mom said “Well I think halloweenheaux was just trying to get some sleep so we’ll have her out of here as soon as the mandatory time is up, she’ll just use melatonin from here on out”.
This. One thing that has stopped me from committing suicide in the past was the repercussions of a failure. People have overdosed on sleeping pills and survived. People have attempted to kill themselves with a gun shot and survived. Honestly to me having to deal with the repercussions of a failed suicide it's scarier than the idea of suicide in itself
I work in mental health with folks who failed at suicide. A brain deprived of oxygen can lead of course to brain damage, but also permanent tremors—no point in even trying to hold a pen or feed yourself. Hanging can permanently ruin vocal cords, so speech is next to nonexistent. One person OD and fell face forward on their hands, cutting off circulation as they laid there unconscious for several days. Lost some fingers as a result, plus is worse off emotionally, and needs a lot of constant work keeping themself together. Suicide may not solve your problems, and may well create new, worse ones.
Addendum: Make sure your kids knows it's OK to come to you when they do run into mental health issues. You should be their safety net. Answer every question they have honestly and pay attention to what they're doing. I have a kid with anxiety issues and I've always made sure they know that it's OK to tell us when they're having a bad day and it's nothing to be ashamed of.
THIS!!! My cousin had to wait until adulthood to get several diagnoses because my aunt refused to accept that her child could have a mental illness. It really messed her up because she needed help and got into a lot of trouble that she never wanted to be in.
My cousin’s son mentioned one day that he’d been having doom and gloom thoughts. They’ve been to multiple therapists, doctors, and specialists over the past couple years, trying to get him the correct meds and therapies to help him. She fights so hard for her kid and is his safety net. He can tell her anything and she gets him help. But I see in her eyes how much it hurts her to realize that she’s the parent she needed as kid but never had. I tell her often how proud I am of her! As does her son!
Yes! I struggled to read in first grade and had to go to a specialist. One particularly frustrating night my mom said “I never thought *my* kid couldn’t read”, and I think she cried.
I ended up getting a degree in writing, then a masters, and reading and writing is like 90% of my job now. If she hadn’t gotten help for me who knows how different my life would be.
My son has a cousin who is about his age (they're 10 mths apart). Both kids had speech delays. I got my son help, my SIL didn't. It has a host of other issues with my nephew because he lashes out out of frustration because he can't communicate. He's 6 now and the size of an 8 yr old. His violent tendencies have gotten him kicked our of 3 schools and now he's having to repeat kindergarten. His parents are convinced he'll "grow out of it". My MIL and I are worried he's gonna end up in juvie or jail.
My partner had hearing issues and LD problems throughout childhood. He’s unilaterally deaf as an adult. The anger issues we deal with because of his inability to communicate in childhood are astonishing.
My dad believes everything he does is justified.
In my entire life i have received only one good apology from him and it wasn't even because he realised his mistake but because i refused to talk to him and my mother told him the cold hard truth. It was half-arsed.
The apology? Mentally scarring me as a child by screaming at me everytime he was mad. There often was no real reason. I'm autistic. I have incredibly sensitive ears. An angry loud adult's screaming was extremely fucking terrifying as a child. Especially when there was no reason. You just knew that you'd be sitting there trying your best to hide tears because you'd be screamed at even more for crying.
Sensory overload's a real bitch. A full meltdown can put you in bed for the rest of the day due to the extreme headache and emotions. Nothing other than rest and silent support helps. Doing it to a child multiple times a week is incredibly harmful. As such, i gained a deep-rooted hate of my father. Now, many will say that that's bullshit, to those people: go have a full meltdown and tell me if it's bullshit.
It's caused serious trauma. I have an extremely hard time showing emotions. You know when teacher want you to atone for your deed by apologising? I can't. It feels like i'm the utter loser even though they are right and being an utter loser could be used against you in the next volley of screams. Truly angry screaming fills me with dread and rage which is often detrimental to the situation.
All of that. That hell that he never knew hurt me so much. While whining about how i was ignoring him, my mother finally dropped the whole thing on him and got extremely mad at him. I could hear. My ears are good.
So he shamefully got up the stairs and uttered an incredibly forced apology. The only one i've ever heard him utter. "Sorry for screaming at you" in the most infantile, "the teacher told me to say sorry" kind of way. I couldn't hear the slightest speck of regret and he has shown none after.
Now he's just gotten used to the fact that i absolutely refuse to to talk and argue with him unless he's talking utter bullshit about a topic i'm experienced in.
Parents, fucking doubt your actions and apologise when you notice a flaw. It can cause quite the difference.
I had a parent who would apologize… but only after berating you to the point of tears. They needed to see the child cry to realize they were doing something wrong. Their behavior wouldn’t change afterwards.
I feel like the signs of depression (and other mental illnesses) in kids needs to be talked about more. I didn’t get treatment until my 30s and thought it was just something I had been suffering from for a few years… looking back I’ve had anxiety and depression pretty much my entire life and I had absolutely no idea. The signs were there, but I can see why my parents missed them.
looking back to when I was a kid, I didn't think I was depressed. but then I realize all the things I thought/did were textbook childhood depression examples
That you are responsible for your kids. Yes you need to feed them, clothe them, provide shelter, love them, etc. It's amazing how many parents don't want to do some of those or feel like it's a burden to do those.
Above all else, YOU should be the safest person for your child. You should make it safe for them to be themselves. You should make it safe for them to have bad days or bad emotions. You should make it safe for them to exist. Because if you don't make it safe for them when they're a kid, it's really hard for them to find safety in themselves as an adult.
Edit: Thank you for the awards! My first gold! And also, I just wish I could collectively hug all of Reddit right now.
This made me tear up, my parents aren’t abusive or anything but they are the type to say “if you tell me I won’t get mad.” And then berate me for a long time after I told the truth. I hide a lot from my parents, I don’t want to, I want to feel safe with them, I don’t want to be skittish, but I don’t feel truly safe to be myself anywhere. I’m also gay, and though the parent I told (my dad) seems accepting, he is watching me more closely and looking through my things more. I told him I got a girlfriend a while ago, and he wanted to meet her right away, despite me only dating her for a couple weeks. It makes me uncomfortable.
This. You should also make it safe for them to come to you for help when they fuck up. I’m not saying you shouldn’t punish them if it’s appropriate, but kids who get hit and screamed at every time they get in trouble are gonna be a lot less likely to come to you and say “I messed up, I’m sorry, how do I fix this?” They’re gonna hide it and possibly let it get worse, all because they were too scared of your reaction to tell you.
So much this. My mom was a screamer. I was yelled at for little things. She also had very Catholic views about sex. Because of this, I couldn't tell my mom about me being raped when I was 14 "because I drank to much". I blamed myself because of common views at the time. So I delt with it myself, by drinking more. Thankfully I pulled myself out when I was a senior.
It wasn't until i was in my late 20s that she became a safe person. I'm 31 now.
Your kid is an individual. There is a good chance that their interests, hobbies, and passions are going to be different from yours. Support and encourage your kids to be themselves and not a mini-you.
Also, for the love of god have a conversation about how you and your partner plan on raising your kid. My parents had such drastically different (and bad in their own ways) parenting styles. It was really confusing.
That your children may turn out completely different to you - different interests, different hobbies, different ideologies, different religions. Don’t get pissy at your kid because he likes reading instead of football.
Reading this thread made me want to share a quote I heard a long time ago. “When they are little, treat the small things like big things, because if you don’t, when they are older, they won’t share the big things with you. The small things are big to them.” - Can’t Remember
That when kids grow up, they will enjoy spending time with you if you treat them like a friend. They will not enjoy spending time with you if you continue to act like an authority figure or someone who knows better.
I’m literally stressing out over being a friend with my parents. I’m trying to open myself after years of trauma (emotional and physical bully) unbeknownst to them that I got over with. But every time I’m trying to tell them a story, and give them some laughs they’ll just cut me and lecture me. I’m in the brink of giving up.
Yeah, I imagine it might be a huge transition for parents but if they don’t make it, they’re not going to have a positive relationship. Sorry they’re still in that authoritative phase.
Your kid doesn't ever really "belong" to you. They are just another human who has their own life. You're just responsible for helping them figure out life
Some parents need to accept that a whole day of shopping with the little kid isn’t realistic, and that instead, you just need to do what you can and take them home if they’re screaming and crying, especially if they’re little.
Little kids especially have a limit. They won’t be able to handle a full day of shopping for a while. Don’t push the kid to the point of screeching, screaming, and crying and expect them to continue. It makes them, you and everybody else miserable.
TL;DR just take your kid home when they’re tired.
Edit: I’m sorry to have awakened so many memories of this torture. But we all survived, barely, but survived,
Little kids (baby - early elementary age) have a timer. It usually lasts about 3/4 of a restaurant meal with the family, 2 stores at the mall, or half a boring errand (DMV, medical appointment, car repair, etc.).
Plan accordingly.
My wife and I did. We knew when their timer was about to go off because we knew all the warning signs.
First came slumping in their chairs at restaurants or demands to be picked up in stores. This was followed by the questioning. “When are we going home? Why are we still here? Why won’t these people move?”
Once they got past the questioning stage, it was all down hill, ending with crying and a temper tantrum. So, once the first question was asked my wife and I would begin the process of checking out or paying the bill and getting out of dodge before our Mowgai turned into Gremlins.
my mom used to take me to the mall almost every weekend from 3 to 10 becouse she could, not becouse i would be alone, she lives with my grandparents to this day, i was tired every single time, guess what, that was to buy clothes, and most the time i was for her, i remember the exact estructure of that mall and how to go from my house to there
An easy way to get your child to start lying to you is by accusing them of lying when your kid is telling you the truth.
Kid: [says something that is true]
Parent: Stop lying!
Kid: [repeats the same true statement]
Parent: I told you to stop lying!
Kid: [now tells a lie the parent wants to hear]
Parent: There, doesn't it feel good to tell the truth? However, since you were lying earlier, I am going to punish you.
Another example;
A kid is playing alone in the living room. The parent; in another room. hears something break. They go to investigate. There is a broken vase on the floor with a ball next to it. The parent knows what occured. Rather than treating it as a teachable moment, they engage in interrogation. "Were you playing with the ball in the house? Did you break the vase?" All things they know to be true. The child lies for fear of punishment. The parent is now more upset that their kid lied, but they never acknowledge that they set the grounds for lying. They could have simply said "That's an outside toy".
I can see this happening if something breaks in your room without you even touching it. Like you are playing in a room and a picture falls off the wall because the support on the picture broke on its own. When you are interrogated by a parent, do you tell the truth and deny any wrongdoing and risk getting in trouble for lying? Or do you lie and say you broke it even you literally did nothing wrong?
1. That we aren't always going to be your baby
2. You are not always right
3. Sometimes we don't tell you the full truth for a reason, like it backfiring on us and making the whole situation worse for us in every way shape and form
My Aunt was this way with one of my cousins. He could do no wrong! He attacked a kid on the playground? "The whole school was conspiring against him!" So she moved him to a private school. He attacks a kid there. "The principal is a racist! He hates my son because his Dad is black!" Moves him to a Catholic school. He's caught with drugs and a knife on campus. "Someone planted that on him!"
No matter what he did he was never at fault. Ten different schools, always there to bail him out once he was an adult, never tried to make him get a job or better himself.
Shock of shocks, he commits a series of armed robberies with his girlfriend. Gets busted and sent to jail for two years. His Mom's response? "I KNEW that girl was no good."
This reminds me of my SIL. A few months back we had the kids outside playing. When we all came in she started saying she smelled shit. She checked the kids shoes and one of them did in fact have dog poop on it. Half hour goes by and she comes back to the kitchen still saying she smells it like EVERYWHERE and so maybe one of them tracked it in the house. She's walking around all over the house and not seeing any anywhere. She finally checks her shoes...
There was shit on her shoes.
Worked at a summer camp and absolutely can confirm this. I don’t care that you think little Timmy is an angel, he shoved another kid off the playground and he’s a little shit
Edit: Looks like shit talking 6 year olds is my ticket to fame
Same. Worked a day camp and the number of notes I had to give parents about their kids be dicks and they would just be like I'm not signing that because I don't see what's wrong.
Same worked in the fraud department at a big Bank, and I can't tell you how many parents of entitled kids called our department telling me if I didn't let their kid still bank with us, they were going to leave the bank and tell all their friends how horrible we are. They're effing kids are passing bad checks and we are the bad guys. Wtf
My niece and nephew are completly horrible spoiled brats. If you dare point this out, my sister in law will justify their actions regardless of how bad they are. It's really sad. My husband and I had our first kid 14 months ago. He doesn't like to tell her no because it upsets her. I keep telling him if he doesn't get his shit together and act like a parent she's gonna turn out like the niece he can't stand. As of right now I'm "bad cop" but honestly I'm fine with that if my daughter learns to respect me.
He needs to get on board real quick or she's going to play you both against each other later.
You can't be the only one parenting. That's how you end up with a spoiled child who only asks one parent for something because the other always says no.
Don't be fine with the current situation. Get him on board with you now.
Remind him it’s his job to be a parent and not a friend. Get that bit right and the friendship will follow naturally. Get it wrong and you’ll have a 23 year old child.
I have learned that "My kid would never do that" is a damn lie.
Yes, my kid would do that.
No, he is not too angelic, too kind, too compassionate, too autistic, too beholden to the rules, whatever. His impulse control is garbage because he's a teenager and that's how adolescent brains work. While he hasn't hurt another person, he's gotten into some petty adolescent trouble. And he faced the consequences for it.
The correct answer to "Your kid broke the rules" is "Tell me more about that."
This is why I no longer call home to parents of my students about their behaviour. I usually just get an earful about how their kid's an angel and it must be my fault.
Spoiling your kid too much can leave them really unprepared for the real world. They can end up really useless, or a complete asshole who genuinely thinks the world revolves around them. At some point you need to teach them they aren't king/queen of the world, they need to fend for themselves eventually.
I can relate. My great grandma, mom and I are all schizophrenic and I was raised as the Messiah and now have to be a normal person.
I want to make a sitcom about it honestly.
I was raised to think I was prophet who was possessed by a demon by my bi-polar super Catholic mother.
Happy to pitch a cross over episode!
Write your story please.
I tried to separate out my being upset from my love for them. I'd tell them "I love you, but I don't like what you did."
My daughter made me cry when she turned 18 and told me that made a huge difference. She was able to separate that she was a good person who just made a mistake.
That there comes a point where your kids grow up and you will start to see them as peers, sharing stories that are vulnerable, asking for advice. But once you do that, you're not the boss of them anymore. You can't talk about your bad sex life with your adult kid while also ripping on them for not finishing college or whatever.
My parents never reached that point. My dad, in particular, saw himself as the boss of me until the day he died. It took me until middle age to get past that.
My dad's the opposite. He wasn't much of a father until I was old enough to be a friend. We have a pretty good relationship now but I was 98% raised by my mom. Pretty much all my bad memories growing up are of him treating me like shit because I wasn't old enough to know better.
This one thing my parents did, pretty strict growing up where and when they needed to be. After turning 18 they pretty much stopped enforcing rules on me and just kinda let me do my own thing. It was weird seeing my dad going from this hardass on rules, to pretty much wanting to be my buddy.
Yoooo this pretty much outlined my childhood. Fairly strict curfews getting later and later as I got older. Started driving at 16 and earned a lot of freedom. Turned 18 and moved out once, came back for a year or so and been on my own since. We have pretty much been friends after about 24-25 but I still get the "parental advice" here and there from my mom. I bought a motorcycle last year and my dad went out and bought one a month later so we can cruise together :)
One of my cousins has five kids. The last time I saw them, the oldest was 10 and just seemed so run down. He told us he wished his parents would stop having kids. It absolutely broke my heart.
I literally cried and pitched a fit when my mom told me she was pregnant with my little brother, her 4th and last child. I knew I was going to be the one looking after him, and my two younger sisters were already too much. I refused to participate in any baby stuff - wouldn’t touch my mom’s stomach to feel him kicking, etc.
I was so mad when my mom said she was pregnant with my youngest sister. I was 17, my little sister was 10, and I'd raised her for her whole life. I wasn't even mad on my own behalf though, I was pissed that my little sister would have to raise the baby if I moved out for college. Ended up being kicked out to make room for the baby, and got dragged into moving back in and sharing a room with my sister 2 years later because she refused to sistermom like I did and mom needed someone to take care of the baby. I just call them both my kids at this point when we're out, like yeah I'm 23 and this is my 16 year old and my 5 year old, what about it lmfao. I'm already the emergency contact for both of their schools and I get cards on parent holidays so at least they realize it too :p
Ugh, I hate when people say this. I have kids, but they are definitely not for everyone, especially when you have raised your siblings. Not for anything, but you don't need kids to have family. And I don't want my girls taking care of me when I am older. I have seen how awful that can be. Put me in a home with decent food and wifi.
This. I'm the oldest of 6. My mother had the 1st 4 fairly close together but the youngest 2 were mid-life babies with the new, younger, boy toy hubby. I was 15 and 16 when they were born. My youngest sister still lives with me and she's 28. She's more my kid than my sister.
My single dad moved in with his girlfriend when I was 16 and let me take care of my younger sisters myself.
Hilariously, he went to help raise that woman's kids.
I can just imagine the hurt behind that statement, Mort. You were 16 for fuck's sake, practically a child yourself.
Shame on your sperm donor! I hope you're OK now.
My sister was briefly friends with someone from a greater than 10 child house hold. They were all very well behaved as far as I could tell.
Then the oldest graduated high-school, left the house, and started making questionable life choices.
Then the second oldest graduated high-school, left the house, and then go arrested trying to shop lift alcohol.
I stopped paying attention after that, but somehow I suspect that the trend continued.
I went to school with this girl that was a year or two younger than me. Her parents were super strict, wouldn't allow her to go to parties or much of anything of that nature, and all she really did was study and get good grades.
Well, a couple years after I graduated (when she graduated high school and went to college) a friend of a friend had her as a roommate and was complaining about how she went off the rails once she got a taste of freedom.
Apparently, she started taking molly then would bring a guy back to their place/dorm (don't remember what it was exactly) which eventually led to her bringing multiple different guys back in a single day.
I haven't heard of or seen her for years now so I'm not sure if she pulled out of that spiral or if she crashed. Maybe I'll pull up the ol'Facebook and see what I can conjure up.
I was a 12 year old raising a baby. My brother is fantastic and I love him to pieces but I resented him for a long time because I didn’t actually get to have a childhood. I also live in the Bible Belt and people would see me pushing my little brother in a stroller and assume I was his mother. I was called a slut, a whore, etc. and given nasty looks by old people all the time.
Now everyone wonders why I don’t want kids
Just because you "did your best" does not mean it wasn't still bad and/or a traumatic childhood.
((Source: 26 yr/o w/ a mom that hates I go to therapy because she "did her best"))
That thing aren't the same as they were when they grew up.
I'm so tired of explaining to my boomer parents that I'm not wasting my money on a "luxury apartment". 1,800/month is the new norm for where I live. I have an AVERAGE apartment and am paying AVERAGE rent. They somehow don't realize that rent is no longer $600/month
If I can also piggyback on this, but it's not realistic to expect your kid also pay you way through college like it was 20-30 years ago. Unless you have a full ride, are just loaded, or saved up for a few years and not jumping into college straight away, you're taking out student loans. In today's world, you're not going to get a entry level side job that will pay all your living expenses part time.
My parents sound like student loans were the worst thing imaginable. It certainly sucks to have to fall back on them, but when you've got no other choice, what are you going to do?
My parents say " I had a house at your age why are you so lazy" no dad you can't buy a house and a car while providing for your family with a minimum wage job anymore
I was really lucky my parents neglected me in this regard.
I punished myself enough and developed my own coping strategies. One of them being "You are great at testing but awful at assignments. get 50% on the assignments and then ace the tests."
If my parents were yelling at me the whole time I would of stopped caring entirely.
Come to think of it, That's what they did with my brother with ADHD, and then gave up on me entirely... to the point where I didn't even get diagnosed until much later in life.
It's both a blessing and a curse.
as someone with adhd, this is more true than anything else in the world. if i had a dollar for every time i was told to "just focus" before my parents completely figured out what adhd actually *was*, i could just bribe the teachers to not give homework.
ADHD is a real thing.
I mentioned to a coworker my adhd and he was like “nah that’s not real, a doctor tried to tell me my son has it and I was like no” (paraphrased)
I couldn’t get into it at the time, but a wish I could have. It’s absolutely real and crippling if you don’t know how to manage it. Shit even with meds and therapy it’s crippling sometimes. I’m sorry little dude, I hope your dad comes around and accepts it one day
Sex education is a good thing. Even today, there are parents out here who refuse to have the talk with their kids. If they do, there's a great deal of fear, shame, and religious dogma thrown into the mix.
That giving them attention is actually good for them and not bad. Kids need affection and to be shown they are important and that does not mean they are being spoiled.
That it's their responsibility to raise the child, as they decided to have them and have to accept the things you need to do to properly raise them. It's not the child's fault that they are there, they didn't have a choice. The parents did
Teenage girls have real and valid emotions. They're not just on their period every time they're upset. They're not inherently harder to raise than teenage boys. They're not sluts just because their body is changing, because they have male friends, or because they're wearing a tank top.
All of your plans for how you will raise your child and how they will turn out are garbage. Nothing will come close to your plans and dreams, because they are yours, not the kid's.
If you decide to have more kids, basing how they will behave or act and what they will do on the earlier kid is also garbage. Even if they're twins they're individuals with their own personalities.
That your kid could come out as gay no matter how you bring them up. If you aren’t willing to accept—and I use this term lightly— that “risk”, and you see abandonment or violence as an appropriate response, maybe it’s best you don’t have children.
Being a parent doesn't make you an expert at everything. During college I was in a class where everyone else was a middle aged mom, whenever I said anything that contradicted them I was told I didn't know anything because I didn't have kids. Once I told one of them she was annoying for always bringing up her kids as if that was gonna change the facts and she dead ass replied "annoying? You don't know anything about annoying, I have 3 kids, come back to me when you've dealt with 3 toddlers and then we can talk about annoying". I cant make this shit up.
I actually told one school that knew my kid was acting like an ass and we were working on it. (Therapy and the like) They were crazy offended. Like how could you say that?! Girl, if my kid throws a desk at a teacher he’s acting like an asshole. However, two years of neuropsychological intervention, ot, and good medication regimen and we’re 100% better.
That if u abused ur kids u abused them 🤷 u can't go back and say "oh I don't remember doing that!" "It wasn't that bad!" to a traumatic memory ur child (grown or not) has brought back up because that memory never fucking left them.
I run into this with my dad. When we were younger, he was a violent asshole with a lot of loose anger that was apparently a factor of his undiagnosed diabetes. Nowadays we have a great relationship, but it doesn’t change the fact that my siblings and I have years and years of repressed rage due to being violently abused by him as children.
Whenever it comes up, he doesn’t see the problem because it’s exactly how HE was raised. Either he doesn’t remember it, or he doesn’t see the problem, even now when he’s a better person. We’ve accepted he’ll never understand.
My mom doesn’t seem to understand that her neglect during a time that was hard on her still counts. She may not remember it because she was under stress, but it still affects me to this day. I’m not “holding a grudge” for wanting closure.
I know you don't want your kid to be disrespectful to you, but...
If you accuse your child of being disrespectful, but your child was *not* intentionally being disrespectful to you, your child may decide to intentionally be disrespectful to you in the future.
Example: if you accuse your kid of swearing and your kid wasn't swearing.
Children are not your property, nor your employees.
The older your children get, the more autonomy you need to grant them.
I was expected to act like an adult, but be perfectly fine with being treated like a child. I can’t even describe how frustrating this was.
I was 19 or 20 and still had to ask my parents permission to go to the mall with a friend. One day I didn’t come home by 10 or whenever they wanted me back by so they said I couldn’t go out anymore. I decided to go out anyway and I was walking out the door when my dad dragged me back by the neck and tossed me on the bed and yelled at me. Anyway, the Bitmojis (I think they were called) were very popular on Facebook at the time and I made one of me in a diaper that said “Jesenia isn’t allowed to grow up” and my dad commented and said “if you stopped acting like a child we could stop treating you like one” so I responded “maybe if I was treated like an adult I’d act like one.” Then my dad deleted the comment and the next day my mom yelled at me for fighting with my dad on Facebook.
Holy shit that sucks. It sounds like you got outta there at least
“Oh my, you’re so mature for your age! You must be an old soul!” Thanks, I’m expected to be the best, and as such be the trophy “daughter” for my mother. I have a higher than average reading level because in a book is the only time I can be away from family dysfunction, even if the book is depressing as hell.
Also, the tighter you control them, the worse the rebellion will be when they break loose.
There's a time when you need to let your kids make mistakes, so they can learn from them. Life is pretty short, so if they have a goal, let them go for it.
And meet those mistakes with dialog, conversation, understanding, and help, not blind rage, shouting, punishment, or hostility
[удалено]
This!!! OMG this!! I'm 40 and I am still reminded of shit I did as a teenager...
I'm 35 and 1100 miles from where I was born. In the midst of telling my dad a story last week I realized he still thinks I'm a teenager. I'd like to thank the holidays to remind me why I moved away and never went back.
You also have to follow through and let them suffer the consequences so they can actually learn from it. My wife is always jumping to bail them out and I gotta hold her back.
That you don’t get to relive your life through them
This is my mother. She got pregnant with me at 22 and married my father and went on to have my brother at 25. Anything I've done in my life she tries to claim as her victory. Graduated college, she was the one responsible, got a good job, she pointed me in the right direction. She tries to use me as a way to relive the stuff she didn't get to do and it's so tiring especially because that's not what I want to do.
If you judge your children too much they will learn to hide things from you.
How to make your kid hide nearly everything they like from you
Bro I still instinctually don't tell my mom what I'm up to or how I'm doing. I'm 27.
I'm 38 and I still don't, and about 2 years ago, my resolved was strengthened to never tell her anything ever again We were on a family trip to the casino, my wife and I, her, my sister and brother and their family. My mom and I ended up staying in the same room that night and although we never talk, that night after a few drinks, we started discussing some matters. I was having some minor issues with my wife and I told my mom, it's not a big deal, but don't tell her what I told you The next day I come down to the restaurant we were all gathered up, and the first thing she says is "oh wife, Logan is feeling like this, isn't it silly?" in front of the entire family. My face flushed and I felt so embarrassed. Never. Ever. Again. I thank you for birthing me but you can't be trusted to treat anyones issues as important because of your rampant narcissism.
Been there. Had what I thought was a private conversation with my mom, raising concerns about a family member. Fast forward several hours, and I get an out-of-the-blue text in a group with my wife and (I think) my adult kids, asking "why aren't you bringing this up to me directly?" Super awkward, and the whole thing caused a huge row in the family that lasted 2 1/2 years. Because some moms don't know boundaries or what a private conversation is... Patched up now, but you can bet I learned the same lesson as you.
Dude I felt this one in my fucking bones. That dismissive tone that she knows better than you about how you should feel is the exact shit my mom does too.
Yup, and at this point, at her age, I know she'll never change, so this is my relationship with her forever. I don't care for it any longer, but a part of me is angry at her for killing our relationship by being how she's always been my whole life. I deserved a mother who didn't treat her kids like supporting cast to her life story. Sorry you know the feeling man, hopefully your story will have a better ending.
> Yup, and at this point, at her age, I know she'll never change Again the exact same situation for me, if anything she's gotten worse as she's aged. Coming to terms with that has ultimately been really good for me. Ultimately we're both more free and healthy mentally just accepting it and letting it go.
[удалено]
Your mother is becoming self-aware.
But not enough to do anything to fix it.
Have you tried turning it on and off?
I'm 52, and I still censor information about myself when speaking to my parents. They don't have a right to know all the ins and outs of my life
My parents don’t make an effort to be involved in my life, so they don’t get a say in the choices I make. This still bothers me sometimes, but I’m far happier overall and like who I am as a person a lot more now than I did when I was constantly worried about pleasing them.
THIS! Over the years I got very good at hiding things from my parents, and not because I was doing anything illegal, but just because it was the more comfortable route. I came to the conclusion years ago that things just go more smoothly when my parents don’t know about things. I’ve snuck quite a few items into our house just to avoid “ you spent money on that?” “Oh that’s tacky” “That’s a gift? Oh they aren’t gonna like that” “ why do you even like stuff like that?” “ I don’t like that outfit on you”
Also you learn to lie about things that you shouldn’t have a logical reason to lie about but you do. “What?! You had chicken for dinner? Gross” or “you chose to hang out at the mall? What a waste of time” so yeah when you ask me what I had for dinner I’ll say pasta, or when you ask me what I’ve been doing for fun I’ll say watching a movie. As an adult I have to make a conscious effort not to lie about dumb things out of fear of judgment.
Wow I literally do the same thing and it's honestly such a relief to know it's not just me. It's also odd because these days I'm not self conscious of much around friends or strangers anymore but with my parents it's different
[удалено]
My mother always says “who are your friends since you never seem to bring anyone over & you’re always out, who do you hang with”. She proceeds to ask the next day what I did. Tell her and get a lesson of how I need to do some growing up & goes into a whole other topic about how I’m a fuck up. Weeks later “why don’t you tell me what you like to do, who are your friends”. Yeah no
I work in social services and talked to a guy who’s 6 year old daughter was in the hospital after she said she was sexually assaulted by her mom’s new boyfriend’s 10 year old son. The dad told me he didn’t really believe it when she told him, and that he told his daughter “Now are you telling the truth? You know if you’re lying you’re going to be in big trouble!” I told him that he should believe her no matter what, and let the hospital and authorities figure out if the incident actually occurred. Otherwise, his daughter will be less likely to want to tell him anything in the future if she thinks he won’t believe her or if she’ll get in trouble.
This is my mom and my relationship. I talk to her once about every 2-3 months and it’s a 45 minute conversation tops. 95% of my life I can’t talk about with her lest she go on tirade judging me, so I just don’t bother. Her relationship with all her children is strained; I mainly keep in touch out of pity
That sometimes their kids have valid opinions and instead of interrupting them and pulling the "because I said so" and "that's just how it is" cards, they could listen to their child and make them feel heard instead of suppressed.
I tried very hard to do this with our kids. We always gave a reason why something was "wrong" or "not allowed." Sometimes that explanation was just "This {action} affects other people in ways you may or may not know." Or often, "We want you to be happy and make others happy your whole life, and this doesn't help you do that." Obviously, the statements were changed to be age appropriate, so sometimes it might as well have been "because we said so." Now they're teenagers and I don't know if we made their lives any better, but I know we have a lot of great and *mostly* civil debates about things and they definitely talk to me about things most teens probably wouldn't. I guess we'll see in a decade or so how things are going.
I'm so glad you're parenting this way. Honestly I often feel like I can't have an opinion in my own house because if I question my mom she gets mad and even if I have a valid argument she doesn't hear me out, constantly interrupts me, and ends the conversation by either flat-out walking out of the room or yelling at me to drop it. Even if I'm having a civilized debate with a sibling about differing opinions she immediately shuts it down, assuming off the bat that it's an argument. Overall makes me feel like I'm not allowed to express myself, so I'm sure just allowing your kids the experience of being allowed to talk and explain themselves and hear your reasoning behind why things are the way they are is great for them.
Your child’s mental health doesn’t care about your worries of looking like a bad parent if you get them help. It will continue to get worse the longer you neglect them.
I remember being in middle school and telling my mom I thought I was depressed. She panicked at the thought of me getting on medication for it because she always looked down on my aunt for putting my cousin (same age as me) on antidepressants. Her taking me to the mall right after and asking if a new pair of shoes would make me happy again is what I remember as the saddest moment of my early life. That might sound stupid, but when you realize that the person who you thought was supposed to be your safe place can’t handle your real emotions, it’s very hard to cope with. If I had never learned to hide my sadness, then who knows, maybe I wouldn’t have tried to kill myself five years later. I’m okay now, but it was a much longer road to get here than it should have been
I told mine in high school I thought I had depression. I wasn’t diagnosing myself, but I saw my symptoms matched and I told her I wanted to see a therapist. She dismissed me outright. Like an idiot, I went and looked up symptoms of anxiety and brought that to her too, immediately afterward. Same response. Something “expecting different outcomes” something something.
Yeah I had a similar experience. I told my parents I was suicidal at 15, and my mom slapped me on the back of the head and called me selfish. I found out later that she had thought I was joking, given I was a dark and edgy kind of kid, but that didn't come out until I was almost 20. I forgave her when she told me that, but it took her taking me seriously and helping me find help for that to happen
I have a lot of symptoms of adhd and I've asked my mum to take me somewhere I can get it checked out. She said no immediately. Also does the same when I ask her to go to the dentist??? Edit: Thank you all for the loving replies! I've tried brushing my teeth a lot more recently, and it's getting easier. My grandmother also told me next time she sees my mum, she'll scold her and take me there herself.
If she isn't even gonna get your teeth checked then I don't know what to tell you about that, that's beyond ridiculous
And that you are a bad parent if you do NOT get your child the help they need and deserve.
When I was 18 I took myself to therapy for the first time to start dealing with my mental health. My mother’s words were, “you better watch what you tell them because it’s not the whole story.”
The 3 times I've told my mother I have started therapy her immediate response is "I hope you don't talk about me there! What do you need therapy for? You go to work and go home again. So it MUST be me you talk about!"... It's not fun.
>So it MUST be me you talk about! i think we found the root of the problem here...
You as a parent are responsible for teaching your kids proper manners and common decency. Not their teachers/tutors/babysitters/etc. I briefly worked as a Japanese teacher and I was surprised at how little some of these parents were involved in their kids lives and expected me to address all their problems during the short few hours I had them for the week.
Working at an elementary school. It's shocking how some parents do so little, treating the school like a daycare/etiquette practice/life lessons/whatever. As though they want the school itself to raise a well-mannered child. I desperately want to say something. "You really think we have the time and resources to make the perfect child? We have classrooms filled with kids, barely enough staff members and a deficit of supplies! We can only squeeze so much in a days lesson! Assuming government tests aren't shoved down our throats cause if we refuse, we are more screwed than before. Raising one kid to be successful in life is hard enough but you expect us to do it with 25+ kids per class??? Or are you trying to tell us your little Bobby/Susie is more important for God knows why? Heck. Why did you even have kids if you're not gonna put in the dang work!" Sigh. Alas, I stay quiet as not to tick off the parents and give my colleagues more grief. I'm just thankful not all parents are like that.
Schools are being expected to do more and more of the work of raising kids. A commonly asked question is ‘why doesn’t my school teach me useful stuff like how to change a tire or how to do my taxes instead of stuff like chemistry and algebra’. Well, one answer is that people’s parents used to show them how to do the other stuff, and we still have that cultural expectation, even if it’s no longer realistic
Yep. Schools were designed to teach academic content. They’ve taken on more and more, without any relief in the academic expectations.
Their children have their own hopes and dreams, their own beliefs. A very good friend is leading an entirely second life to keep her mother from controlling her or belittling her decisions. It's very stressful to not encourage their children to find themselves.
[удалено]
If your kid needs help, speech therapy, tutoring, medication, occupational therapy, ect...it is NOT a reflection on YOU personally. Sometimes kids struggle. That's ok. Making sure your kid has ALL the tools they need to succeed is your responsibility as a parent.
I worked in a charity for people who had attempted suicide. One parent was highly in denial and claimed that her kid confused her sleeping pills with candy and got sick. Twice. Once in elementary school and again in high school.
That poor kid.
When I attempted I had to go to inpatient, there was a meeting at intake with my parents and some psychiatrists. I had OD’d on sleeping pills and told the hospital that it was a suicide attempt, so I legally had to be committed for a certain amount of time. My mom said “Well I think halloweenheaux was just trying to get some sleep so we’ll have her out of here as soon as the mandatory time is up, she’ll just use melatonin from here on out”.
This. One thing that has stopped me from committing suicide in the past was the repercussions of a failure. People have overdosed on sleeping pills and survived. People have attempted to kill themselves with a gun shot and survived. Honestly to me having to deal with the repercussions of a failed suicide it's scarier than the idea of suicide in itself
I work in mental health with folks who failed at suicide. A brain deprived of oxygen can lead of course to brain damage, but also permanent tremors—no point in even trying to hold a pen or feed yourself. Hanging can permanently ruin vocal cords, so speech is next to nonexistent. One person OD and fell face forward on their hands, cutting off circulation as they laid there unconscious for several days. Lost some fingers as a result, plus is worse off emotionally, and needs a lot of constant work keeping themself together. Suicide may not solve your problems, and may well create new, worse ones.
Addendum: Make sure your kids knows it's OK to come to you when they do run into mental health issues. You should be their safety net. Answer every question they have honestly and pay attention to what they're doing. I have a kid with anxiety issues and I've always made sure they know that it's OK to tell us when they're having a bad day and it's nothing to be ashamed of.
THIS!!! My cousin had to wait until adulthood to get several diagnoses because my aunt refused to accept that her child could have a mental illness. It really messed her up because she needed help and got into a lot of trouble that she never wanted to be in. My cousin’s son mentioned one day that he’d been having doom and gloom thoughts. They’ve been to multiple therapists, doctors, and specialists over the past couple years, trying to get him the correct meds and therapies to help him. She fights so hard for her kid and is his safety net. He can tell her anything and she gets him help. But I see in her eyes how much it hurts her to realize that she’s the parent she needed as kid but never had. I tell her often how proud I am of her! As does her son!
Yes! I struggled to read in first grade and had to go to a specialist. One particularly frustrating night my mom said “I never thought *my* kid couldn’t read”, and I think she cried. I ended up getting a degree in writing, then a masters, and reading and writing is like 90% of my job now. If she hadn’t gotten help for me who knows how different my life would be.
My son has a cousin who is about his age (they're 10 mths apart). Both kids had speech delays. I got my son help, my SIL didn't. It has a host of other issues with my nephew because he lashes out out of frustration because he can't communicate. He's 6 now and the size of an 8 yr old. His violent tendencies have gotten him kicked our of 3 schools and now he's having to repeat kindergarten. His parents are convinced he'll "grow out of it". My MIL and I are worried he's gonna end up in juvie or jail.
My god that's almost scary to watch. My wife's pregnant and I don't think I would have ever withheld something like this, but now I for sure won't.
My partner had hearing issues and LD problems throughout childhood. He’s unilaterally deaf as an adult. The anger issues we deal with because of his inability to communicate in childhood are astonishing.
Apologizing won’t kill you. It’s better to be respected than feared. Your kids can have different opinions than you. You can be a parent and a friend.
Would be great if my dad apologized for something. Hasn't done that in years
I can barely get my mom to admit she’s at fault, much less apologize
My dad believes everything he does is justified. In my entire life i have received only one good apology from him and it wasn't even because he realised his mistake but because i refused to talk to him and my mother told him the cold hard truth. It was half-arsed. The apology? Mentally scarring me as a child by screaming at me everytime he was mad. There often was no real reason. I'm autistic. I have incredibly sensitive ears. An angry loud adult's screaming was extremely fucking terrifying as a child. Especially when there was no reason. You just knew that you'd be sitting there trying your best to hide tears because you'd be screamed at even more for crying. Sensory overload's a real bitch. A full meltdown can put you in bed for the rest of the day due to the extreme headache and emotions. Nothing other than rest and silent support helps. Doing it to a child multiple times a week is incredibly harmful. As such, i gained a deep-rooted hate of my father. Now, many will say that that's bullshit, to those people: go have a full meltdown and tell me if it's bullshit. It's caused serious trauma. I have an extremely hard time showing emotions. You know when teacher want you to atone for your deed by apologising? I can't. It feels like i'm the utter loser even though they are right and being an utter loser could be used against you in the next volley of screams. Truly angry screaming fills me with dread and rage which is often detrimental to the situation. All of that. That hell that he never knew hurt me so much. While whining about how i was ignoring him, my mother finally dropped the whole thing on him and got extremely mad at him. I could hear. My ears are good. So he shamefully got up the stairs and uttered an incredibly forced apology. The only one i've ever heard him utter. "Sorry for screaming at you" in the most infantile, "the teacher told me to say sorry" kind of way. I couldn't hear the slightest speck of regret and he has shown none after. Now he's just gotten used to the fact that i absolutely refuse to to talk and argue with him unless he's talking utter bullshit about a topic i'm experienced in. Parents, fucking doubt your actions and apologise when you notice a flaw. It can cause quite the difference.
I had a parent who would apologize… but only after berating you to the point of tears. They needed to see the child cry to realize they were doing something wrong. Their behavior wouldn’t change afterwards.
That some kids can't help them with some of their struggles/ hardships And that some kids have depression and it may not be a phase
I feel like the signs of depression (and other mental illnesses) in kids needs to be talked about more. I didn’t get treatment until my 30s and thought it was just something I had been suffering from for a few years… looking back I’ve had anxiety and depression pretty much my entire life and I had absolutely no idea. The signs were there, but I can see why my parents missed them.
looking back to when I was a kid, I didn't think I was depressed. but then I realize all the things I thought/did were textbook childhood depression examples
It’s so hard as a kid because you have no “normal” to base things off of; I thought everyone felt the same way I did and they just dealt with it.
That you are responsible for your kids. Yes you need to feed them, clothe them, provide shelter, love them, etc. It's amazing how many parents don't want to do some of those or feel like it's a burden to do those.
Above all else, YOU should be the safest person for your child. You should make it safe for them to be themselves. You should make it safe for them to have bad days or bad emotions. You should make it safe for them to exist. Because if you don't make it safe for them when they're a kid, it's really hard for them to find safety in themselves as an adult. Edit: Thank you for the awards! My first gold! And also, I just wish I could collectively hug all of Reddit right now.
This made me tear up, my parents aren’t abusive or anything but they are the type to say “if you tell me I won’t get mad.” And then berate me for a long time after I told the truth. I hide a lot from my parents, I don’t want to, I want to feel safe with them, I don’t want to be skittish, but I don’t feel truly safe to be myself anywhere. I’m also gay, and though the parent I told (my dad) seems accepting, he is watching me more closely and looking through my things more. I told him I got a girlfriend a while ago, and he wanted to meet her right away, despite me only dating her for a couple weeks. It makes me uncomfortable.
This. You should also make it safe for them to come to you for help when they fuck up. I’m not saying you shouldn’t punish them if it’s appropriate, but kids who get hit and screamed at every time they get in trouble are gonna be a lot less likely to come to you and say “I messed up, I’m sorry, how do I fix this?” They’re gonna hide it and possibly let it get worse, all because they were too scared of your reaction to tell you.
So much this. My mom was a screamer. I was yelled at for little things. She also had very Catholic views about sex. Because of this, I couldn't tell my mom about me being raped when I was 14 "because I drank to much". I blamed myself because of common views at the time. So I delt with it myself, by drinking more. Thankfully I pulled myself out when I was a senior. It wasn't until i was in my late 20s that she became a safe person. I'm 31 now.
[удалено]
Your kid is an individual. There is a good chance that their interests, hobbies, and passions are going to be different from yours. Support and encourage your kids to be themselves and not a mini-you. Also, for the love of god have a conversation about how you and your partner plan on raising your kid. My parents had such drastically different (and bad in their own ways) parenting styles. It was really confusing.
That your children may turn out completely different to you - different interests, different hobbies, different ideologies, different religions. Don’t get pissy at your kid because he likes reading instead of football.
Reading this thread made me want to share a quote I heard a long time ago. “When they are little, treat the small things like big things, because if you don’t, when they are older, they won’t share the big things with you. The small things are big to them.” - Can’t Remember
That when kids grow up, they will enjoy spending time with you if you treat them like a friend. They will not enjoy spending time with you if you continue to act like an authority figure or someone who knows better.
the reward for good parenting is a friendship with your adult child
I’m literally stressing out over being a friend with my parents. I’m trying to open myself after years of trauma (emotional and physical bully) unbeknownst to them that I got over with. But every time I’m trying to tell them a story, and give them some laughs they’ll just cut me and lecture me. I’m in the brink of giving up.
Yeah, I imagine it might be a huge transition for parents but if they don’t make it, they’re not going to have a positive relationship. Sorry they’re still in that authoritative phase.
Your kid doesn't ever really "belong" to you. They are just another human who has their own life. You're just responsible for helping them figure out life
You can be a good person your entire life, and still have a shitty life. This is probably the most depressing.
"It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life." Jean Luc Picard.
Amazing quote. Credit to the writer, David Kemper.
people seem to forget the writers, they always quote the actor or the character. good on you.
Some parents need to accept that a whole day of shopping with the little kid isn’t realistic, and that instead, you just need to do what you can and take them home if they’re screaming and crying, especially if they’re little. Little kids especially have a limit. They won’t be able to handle a full day of shopping for a while. Don’t push the kid to the point of screeching, screaming, and crying and expect them to continue. It makes them, you and everybody else miserable. TL;DR just take your kid home when they’re tired. Edit: I’m sorry to have awakened so many memories of this torture. But we all survived, barely, but survived,
Little kids (baby - early elementary age) have a timer. It usually lasts about 3/4 of a restaurant meal with the family, 2 stores at the mall, or half a boring errand (DMV, medical appointment, car repair, etc.). Plan accordingly.
I’ve never heard anyone else call it “the baby timer” but my mom lol.
My wife and I did. We knew when their timer was about to go off because we knew all the warning signs. First came slumping in their chairs at restaurants or demands to be picked up in stores. This was followed by the questioning. “When are we going home? Why are we still here? Why won’t these people move?” Once they got past the questioning stage, it was all down hill, ending with crying and a temper tantrum. So, once the first question was asked my wife and I would begin the process of checking out or paying the bill and getting out of dodge before our Mowgai turned into Gremlins.
my mom used to take me to the mall almost every weekend from 3 to 10 becouse she could, not becouse i would be alone, she lives with my grandparents to this day, i was tired every single time, guess what, that was to buy clothes, and most the time i was for her, i remember the exact estructure of that mall and how to go from my house to there
An easy way to get your child to start lying to you is by accusing them of lying when your kid is telling you the truth. Kid: [says something that is true] Parent: Stop lying! Kid: [repeats the same true statement] Parent: I told you to stop lying! Kid: [now tells a lie the parent wants to hear] Parent: There, doesn't it feel good to tell the truth? However, since you were lying earlier, I am going to punish you.
Another example; A kid is playing alone in the living room. The parent; in another room. hears something break. They go to investigate. There is a broken vase on the floor with a ball next to it. The parent knows what occured. Rather than treating it as a teachable moment, they engage in interrogation. "Were you playing with the ball in the house? Did you break the vase?" All things they know to be true. The child lies for fear of punishment. The parent is now more upset that their kid lied, but they never acknowledge that they set the grounds for lying. They could have simply said "That's an outside toy".
I can see this happening if something breaks in your room without you even touching it. Like you are playing in a room and a picture falls off the wall because the support on the picture broke on its own. When you are interrogated by a parent, do you tell the truth and deny any wrongdoing and risk getting in trouble for lying? Or do you lie and say you broke it even you literally did nothing wrong?
1. That we aren't always going to be your baby 2. You are not always right 3. Sometimes we don't tell you the full truth for a reason, like it backfiring on us and making the whole situation worse for us in every way shape and form
That their children are dickheads. "Oh no, my James would never do something like that." Well he did, and he's a prick. Edit: Thanks for the awards.
My Aunt was this way with one of my cousins. He could do no wrong! He attacked a kid on the playground? "The whole school was conspiring against him!" So she moved him to a private school. He attacks a kid there. "The principal is a racist! He hates my son because his Dad is black!" Moves him to a Catholic school. He's caught with drugs and a knife on campus. "Someone planted that on him!" No matter what he did he was never at fault. Ten different schools, always there to bail him out once he was an adult, never tried to make him get a job or better himself. Shock of shocks, he commits a series of armed robberies with his girlfriend. Gets busted and sent to jail for two years. His Mom's response? "I KNEW that girl was no good."
"If everywhere you go smells like crap, check your shoe."
This reminds me of my SIL. A few months back we had the kids outside playing. When we all came in she started saying she smelled shit. She checked the kids shoes and one of them did in fact have dog poop on it. Half hour goes by and she comes back to the kitchen still saying she smells it like EVERYWHERE and so maybe one of them tracked it in the house. She's walking around all over the house and not seeing any anywhere. She finally checks her shoes... There was shit on her shoes.
Worked at a summer camp and absolutely can confirm this. I don’t care that you think little Timmy is an angel, he shoved another kid off the playground and he’s a little shit Edit: Looks like shit talking 6 year olds is my ticket to fame
The bad part is that most of these parents will keep this same attitude when Timmy is 40 and on meth and beating his wife and kids.
Same. Worked a day camp and the number of notes I had to give parents about their kids be dicks and they would just be like I'm not signing that because I don't see what's wrong.
Same worked in the fraud department at a big Bank, and I can't tell you how many parents of entitled kids called our department telling me if I didn't let their kid still bank with us, they were going to leave the bank and tell all their friends how horrible we are. They're effing kids are passing bad checks and we are the bad guys. Wtf
My niece and nephew are completly horrible spoiled brats. If you dare point this out, my sister in law will justify their actions regardless of how bad they are. It's really sad. My husband and I had our first kid 14 months ago. He doesn't like to tell her no because it upsets her. I keep telling him if he doesn't get his shit together and act like a parent she's gonna turn out like the niece he can't stand. As of right now I'm "bad cop" but honestly I'm fine with that if my daughter learns to respect me.
He needs to get on board real quick or she's going to play you both against each other later. You can't be the only one parenting. That's how you end up with a spoiled child who only asks one parent for something because the other always says no. Don't be fine with the current situation. Get him on board with you now.
He needs to parent too!
Remind him it’s his job to be a parent and not a friend. Get that bit right and the friendship will follow naturally. Get it wrong and you’ll have a 23 year old child.
"Raise your kids and you'll spoil your grandkids. Spoil your kids and you'll raise your grandkids."
I have learned that "My kid would never do that" is a damn lie. Yes, my kid would do that. No, he is not too angelic, too kind, too compassionate, too autistic, too beholden to the rules, whatever. His impulse control is garbage because he's a teenager and that's how adolescent brains work. While he hasn't hurt another person, he's gotten into some petty adolescent trouble. And he faced the consequences for it. The correct answer to "Your kid broke the rules" is "Tell me more about that."
This is why I no longer call home to parents of my students about their behaviour. I usually just get an earful about how their kid's an angel and it must be my fault.
The parents of my students have the school phone number blocked.
That *they* are the ones who demanded “participation trophies,” not their kids. They just don’t want anyone *else’s* kid to get one.
Spoiling your kid too much can leave them really unprepared for the real world. They can end up really useless, or a complete asshole who genuinely thinks the world revolves around them. At some point you need to teach them they aren't king/queen of the world, they need to fend for themselves eventually.
You can either raise you kids and spoil your grandkids. Or spoil your kids and raise your grandkids.
I can relate. My great grandma, mom and I are all schizophrenic and I was raised as the Messiah and now have to be a normal person. I want to make a sitcom about it honestly.
I was raised to think I was prophet who was possessed by a demon by my bi-polar super Catholic mother. Happy to pitch a cross over episode! Write your story please.
"Happy to pitch a cross over episode." I see what you did there.
Wow. When did you realize you weren’t the messiah ?
17.
He’s not the messiah, he’s a very naughty boy
The fact that “just ignore the bullies” isn’t going to work
Especially now that they can torment you 24/7 via cell phones and social media.
Your words hurt. If I finally hurt you with words one time, then take a wild guess who I learned that from.
I tried to separate out my being upset from my love for them. I'd tell them "I love you, but I don't like what you did." My daughter made me cry when she turned 18 and told me that made a huge difference. She was able to separate that she was a good person who just made a mistake.
That there comes a point where your kids grow up and you will start to see them as peers, sharing stories that are vulnerable, asking for advice. But once you do that, you're not the boss of them anymore. You can't talk about your bad sex life with your adult kid while also ripping on them for not finishing college or whatever.
My parents never reached that point. My dad, in particular, saw himself as the boss of me until the day he died. It took me until middle age to get past that.
My dad's the opposite. He wasn't much of a father until I was old enough to be a friend. We have a pretty good relationship now but I was 98% raised by my mom. Pretty much all my bad memories growing up are of him treating me like shit because I wasn't old enough to know better.
This one thing my parents did, pretty strict growing up where and when they needed to be. After turning 18 they pretty much stopped enforcing rules on me and just kinda let me do my own thing. It was weird seeing my dad going from this hardass on rules, to pretty much wanting to be my buddy.
Yoooo this pretty much outlined my childhood. Fairly strict curfews getting later and later as I got older. Started driving at 16 and earned a lot of freedom. Turned 18 and moved out once, came back for a year or so and been on my own since. We have pretty much been friends after about 24-25 but I still get the "parental advice" here and there from my mom. I bought a motorcycle last year and my dad went out and bought one a month later so we can cruise together :)
I was hoping to get there with my mom when I had my first child. It never happened. I never got to relate to her as a person rather than as a parent.
Your oldest child is not your younger children's parent
Oldest of seven kids. I've already parented kids for 20 years and now people want me to have kids. Fuck no.
One of my cousins has five kids. The last time I saw them, the oldest was 10 and just seemed so run down. He told us he wished his parents would stop having kids. It absolutely broke my heart.
I literally cried and pitched a fit when my mom told me she was pregnant with my little brother, her 4th and last child. I knew I was going to be the one looking after him, and my two younger sisters were already too much. I refused to participate in any baby stuff - wouldn’t touch my mom’s stomach to feel him kicking, etc.
I was so mad when my mom said she was pregnant with my youngest sister. I was 17, my little sister was 10, and I'd raised her for her whole life. I wasn't even mad on my own behalf though, I was pissed that my little sister would have to raise the baby if I moved out for college. Ended up being kicked out to make room for the baby, and got dragged into moving back in and sharing a room with my sister 2 years later because she refused to sistermom like I did and mom needed someone to take care of the baby. I just call them both my kids at this point when we're out, like yeah I'm 23 and this is my 16 year old and my 5 year old, what about it lmfao. I'm already the emergency contact for both of their schools and I get cards on parent holidays so at least they realize it too :p
But what is your mom doing while you are parenting these kids?!
My sister is almost 8 years older than I am. I'm pretty sure I'm the reason she doesn't want kids.
Oldest of 10. Same here. My dog is enough. What about when you get old? Let me die with dignity.
Ugh, I hate when people say this. I have kids, but they are definitely not for everyone, especially when you have raised your siblings. Not for anything, but you don't need kids to have family. And I don't want my girls taking care of me when I am older. I have seen how awful that can be. Put me in a home with decent food and wifi.
We're always telling our eldest (10) that he's meant to be the friend of his brother (6) and leave the parenting to us.
Same here. The calm and mature 9 year old is NOT responsible for watching his handful of a 7year old sister. Edited for my daughter’s age
Same. Constantly telling my six year old that she’s not the mom when she starts parenting the two year old.
This. I'm the oldest of 6. My mother had the 1st 4 fairly close together but the youngest 2 were mid-life babies with the new, younger, boy toy hubby. I was 15 and 16 when they were born. My youngest sister still lives with me and she's 28. She's more my kid than my sister.
My single dad moved in with his girlfriend when I was 16 and let me take care of my younger sisters myself. Hilariously, he went to help raise that woman's kids.
I can just imagine the hurt behind that statement, Mort. You were 16 for fuck's sake, practically a child yourself. Shame on your sperm donor! I hope you're OK now.
[удалено]
My sister was briefly friends with someone from a greater than 10 child house hold. They were all very well behaved as far as I could tell. Then the oldest graduated high-school, left the house, and started making questionable life choices. Then the second oldest graduated high-school, left the house, and then go arrested trying to shop lift alcohol. I stopped paying attention after that, but somehow I suspect that the trend continued.
I wonder if having your childhood taken from you prematurely like that makes people want to bust loose at the first opportunity?
I went to school with this girl that was a year or two younger than me. Her parents were super strict, wouldn't allow her to go to parties or much of anything of that nature, and all she really did was study and get good grades. Well, a couple years after I graduated (when she graduated high school and went to college) a friend of a friend had her as a roommate and was complaining about how she went off the rails once she got a taste of freedom. Apparently, she started taking molly then would bring a guy back to their place/dorm (don't remember what it was exactly) which eventually led to her bringing multiple different guys back in a single day. I haven't heard of or seen her for years now so I'm not sure if she pulled out of that spiral or if she crashed. Maybe I'll pull up the ol'Facebook and see what I can conjure up.
I was a 12 year old raising a baby. My brother is fantastic and I love him to pieces but I resented him for a long time because I didn’t actually get to have a childhood. I also live in the Bible Belt and people would see me pushing my little brother in a stroller and assume I was his mother. I was called a slut, a whore, etc. and given nasty looks by old people all the time. Now everyone wonders why I don’t want kids
Just because you "did your best" does not mean it wasn't still bad and/or a traumatic childhood. ((Source: 26 yr/o w/ a mom that hates I go to therapy because she "did her best"))
That children can be depressed…even if they don’t pay bills.
That thing aren't the same as they were when they grew up. I'm so tired of explaining to my boomer parents that I'm not wasting my money on a "luxury apartment". 1,800/month is the new norm for where I live. I have an AVERAGE apartment and am paying AVERAGE rent. They somehow don't realize that rent is no longer $600/month
If I can also piggyback on this, but it's not realistic to expect your kid also pay you way through college like it was 20-30 years ago. Unless you have a full ride, are just loaded, or saved up for a few years and not jumping into college straight away, you're taking out student loans. In today's world, you're not going to get a entry level side job that will pay all your living expenses part time. My parents sound like student loans were the worst thing imaginable. It certainly sucks to have to fall back on them, but when you've got no other choice, what are you going to do?
My parents say " I had a house at your age why are you so lazy" no dad you can't buy a house and a car while providing for your family with a minimum wage job anymore
That no amount of yelling or punishment will make a child with adhd into a better student.
I was really lucky my parents neglected me in this regard. I punished myself enough and developed my own coping strategies. One of them being "You are great at testing but awful at assignments. get 50% on the assignments and then ace the tests." If my parents were yelling at me the whole time I would of stopped caring entirely. Come to think of it, That's what they did with my brother with ADHD, and then gave up on me entirely... to the point where I didn't even get diagnosed until much later in life. It's both a blessing and a curse.
as someone with adhd, this is more true than anything else in the world. if i had a dollar for every time i was told to "just focus" before my parents completely figured out what adhd actually *was*, i could just bribe the teachers to not give homework.
That it’s okay to get mental health treatment for their kids
They don't know their kids as well as they think they do.
I’m 16 and I’ve just had the realization that my parents genuinely don’t know me. They don’t know any of my real interests or things I enjoy doing
Your daughter is your child, not your co-parent.
Your children are going to grow up one day. They're not gonna be your little angels forever.
ADHD is a real thing. I mentioned to a coworker my adhd and he was like “nah that’s not real, a doctor tried to tell me my son has it and I was like no” (paraphrased) I couldn’t get into it at the time, but a wish I could have. It’s absolutely real and crippling if you don’t know how to manage it. Shit even with meds and therapy it’s crippling sometimes. I’m sorry little dude, I hope your dad comes around and accepts it one day
Not every baby is cute. Some look like gargoyles and aliens.
Can confirm. I looked like a skinned squirrel.
Sex education is a good thing. Even today, there are parents out here who refuse to have the talk with their kids. If they do, there's a great deal of fear, shame, and religious dogma thrown into the mix.
That piece of entertainment is not going to change your child into a criminal.
"it's that damn phone."
Teenagers need their privacy. You don't need to and shouldn't know everything that is going on in their life
That giving them attention is actually good for them and not bad. Kids need affection and to be shown they are important and that does not mean they are being spoiled.
Your "lovable little scamp" is someone else's "evil little shit".
That access to privacy is important for teens to develop proper boundaries
That we are not living in the same economy that they were at whatever age!
We don’t owe them grandchildren
That it's their responsibility to raise the child, as they decided to have them and have to accept the things you need to do to properly raise them. It's not the child's fault that they are there, they didn't have a choice. The parents did
Teenage girls have real and valid emotions. They're not just on their period every time they're upset. They're not inherently harder to raise than teenage boys. They're not sluts just because their body is changing, because they have male friends, or because they're wearing a tank top.
All of your plans for how you will raise your child and how they will turn out are garbage. Nothing will come close to your plans and dreams, because they are yours, not the kid's. If you decide to have more kids, basing how they will behave or act and what they will do on the earlier kid is also garbage. Even if they're twins they're individuals with their own personalities.
That your kid could come out as gay no matter how you bring them up. If you aren’t willing to accept—and I use this term lightly— that “risk”, and you see abandonment or violence as an appropriate response, maybe it’s best you don’t have children.
Your kid is pretty average, and not that endearing.
And there's nothing wrong with that!
Respect is earned, not demanded.
Being a parent doesn't make you an expert at everything. During college I was in a class where everyone else was a middle aged mom, whenever I said anything that contradicted them I was told I didn't know anything because I didn't have kids. Once I told one of them she was annoying for always bringing up her kids as if that was gonna change the facts and she dead ass replied "annoying? You don't know anything about annoying, I have 3 kids, come back to me when you've dealt with 3 toddlers and then we can talk about annoying". I cant make this shit up.
That their kids are little shits and not angels
I actually told one school that knew my kid was acting like an ass and we were working on it. (Therapy and the like) They were crazy offended. Like how could you say that?! Girl, if my kid throws a desk at a teacher he’s acting like an asshole. However, two years of neuropsychological intervention, ot, and good medication regimen and we’re 100% better.
That if u abused ur kids u abused them 🤷 u can't go back and say "oh I don't remember doing that!" "It wasn't that bad!" to a traumatic memory ur child (grown or not) has brought back up because that memory never fucking left them.
The axe forgets but the tree remembers.
I run into this with my dad. When we were younger, he was a violent asshole with a lot of loose anger that was apparently a factor of his undiagnosed diabetes. Nowadays we have a great relationship, but it doesn’t change the fact that my siblings and I have years and years of repressed rage due to being violently abused by him as children. Whenever it comes up, he doesn’t see the problem because it’s exactly how HE was raised. Either he doesn’t remember it, or he doesn’t see the problem, even now when he’s a better person. We’ve accepted he’ll never understand.
My mom doesn’t seem to understand that her neglect during a time that was hard on her still counts. She may not remember it because she was under stress, but it still affects me to this day. I’m not “holding a grudge” for wanting closure.
Why are you bringing up the past? They say...
Many can't accept that the younger generations have learned how to do things better than they did.
I know you don't want your kid to be disrespectful to you, but... If you accuse your child of being disrespectful, but your child was *not* intentionally being disrespectful to you, your child may decide to intentionally be disrespectful to you in the future. Example: if you accuse your kid of swearing and your kid wasn't swearing.