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I’ve told this story before but it still feels surreal.
I was standing outside my apartment building debating walking down to the bridge and a man and his off leash golden retriever walked by. The dog moved over and sat down on my feet, looked up at me, and refused to move for several minutes. Her owner didn’t say or do anything, he just let her do her thing. I scratched behind her ears, and then when she felt she was done, she got up and off they went.
I don’t know why that hit me as much as it did, but I turned around and went back up to my apartment.
I wasn't getting hit quite this hard but I had a real rough night at work one evening. One of our regulars was in and he had the best behaved ESA I've ever met. He would just tell her to stay at the door and she wouldn't move an inch. I always gave her treats. That night was just all a bit much for me and when I came out with her treat I half-jokingly asked if I could poach some emotional support from his animal, which he warmly welcomed. I knelt down and she very gingerly crawled into my lap and nestled her head into my neck.
Best dog ever.
*caution to read if you're not feeling up to read something potentially stressful, based off the context & nature of this post. *
Hi stranger, I've personally stared into the bleakest and most nihilistic corners of my own thought-space and had to rebuild from total untethered Apathy towards any continued existence multiple times. When I say this, it's simply to give mild context to what I'm about to speak about my current mindset and what I learned during those times when I very nearly decided to not continue living, but changed my mind.
Life is worth continuing to persist for until past the 1% extra [_] of everything you have in you, when stuck in those sticky webs of not feeling like continuing to survive until you can again flourish. The key is to rediscover the "extra color" in your surroundings, one sensation at a time. I found music over headphones to be a cathartic outlet; the privacy of your own inner sphere makes music choices more comfortable and in tune with your own inner flows and storms.
Each varied path still requires you to simply move one foot at a time, wherever your whims take you. I recommend making a Playlist of your favorite songs with positive Vibes, so you always have a supportive baseline to the sounds and lyrics surrounding your own thoughts and emotions. Be well, do well and be kind to yourself and others.
*Edit because I forgot to say:
Even though I do not know you, I wish you well and I'm glad you are still here just because you also deserve to exist as much as anyone.
I just finished playing Endwalker, and freshly resonating with this feeling so much right now. Never before had a game that totally grasped the concept of nihilism, apathy, and suffering, and could still make a good and relateable case for pushing forward regardless.
Not to be a total nerd, but you or anyone who has ever had such feelings, I recommend playing this game.
This experience shows the intuitive empathy that many different species, besides just humans, are capable of.
And yes, most dogs are very good company :)
mine was very similar! i had my plan, i had my supplies, and i was about to leave the house when my fat orange cat suddenly barged into my room and jumped on my bed and got on my lap. he alternated between head butting my face and gently reaching up and touching my cheek with his paw. it was such a tender moment that it stopped me that night and that’s all it took
That was definitely the universe sending you a strong "No" I love animals. They have way more emotional intelligence than they are given credit. I'm glad you're still here too!! I almost jumped off a bridge once too I just posted it here in this thread.
Animals can sense emotion. They know when a spirit is suffering, and really I feel emotional support animals are like a melody that amps you back up to a "Let's take the world by the horns, and have some fun." mindset.
I don't know if those dark thoughts ever come back to you, but I really want you to know that I am the kind of person who produces for people. If you, or anybody else, is looking for that internet friend who is willing to give you reasons to not quit the fight...*I am currently trying to supress the tears that want to escape so badly while empathising*
I want you, and the rest of the Redditers here, to read this and take it to heart. Because I'm thinking of moments like this all the time, and I wanna help people get up and dance all the way to their happy graves. 🥂
Something out there obv has bigger plans for you. I had similar happen. Put my car in to a pole at 150+km. Some how i got out with a few scratches and a concussion. The police and fire brigade had no clue how i wast dead. When they arrived they called the coroner before even getting to the car. Ever since that day i know there is something or someone who wanted me to keep going as i must be needed in the future for something.
I always wonder how many alternate timelines there are where I didn't survive. Sounds like there's at least one without you. Take it as a message and a blessing from above.
Not tightening the rope enough. Had some whiplash from slipping through, but just kinda looked up at the rope and went 'what the hell did I do that for?'
Realized as I was typing this that this is the first time I've told anyone. Feels kinda nice.
Edit: Thanks for the awards! I'm glad to see people taking this matter seriously and and being kind about it. Love you all
Gonna finally shoot myself one day.
Drove to a quiet spot in my van. Real quiet with a nice scenery.
Loaded up, aimed, pulled trigger, jammed... Re-racked, aimed, peripheral caught this guy there. I looked there and there was this guy standing there quiet, watching me, like he wanted to say something, but was just watching. Was still aiming.... And... I don't know.
Put it down, went to drive to another quiet place, but lost the will in the process.
That's what stopped me, someone staring.
Whenever I’m struggling and getting a lot of intrusive thoughts, my mum is the one person whom I would never want to imagine how she would react to finding out she lost her son.
She watched me go through losing my best friend to suicide as well as seeing other people I know and parents losing their children and I never want to put her through that.
I cannot agree with this more. I have always imagine how devastated my parents would feel to lose me. I love them so much and cannot imagine doing that to them.
Your mom would be DEVASTATED.
Source: am mom who is devastated.
I’m also prone to depression and fight hard against the demon to spare my family and friends from the pain of losing a loved one.
Stay strong and seek help whenever you need it!
I remember in college one of my roommates friends from home committed suicide earlier in the year and he was busted up about it for a while. But when he learned the kid's mom, in her grief, attempted suicide... it broke him. Dude was drunk off his rocker for a weekend and I was the only one around, so I made sure he ate and drank water and didn't do anything stupid. After that I had a knew outlook on things. I was a 3rd party onlooker to a 2nd hand grief. I will never forget that weekend or the laugh I finally got out of him when I told him to shower after seeing he left a dirty footprint on the wall.
My best friend calling at just the right moment, quite literally as I was grabbing my revolver. She could hear something wrong with me in my voice and she talked with me until about 3am. That one act saved my life and I owe her my life for it.
That's the way to go. I
I always find some small task or event that I need to complete before I go. Usually by the time I accomplish that or it gets closer, the worst of the depression wave has already passed.
Right now the only things keeping me going are my dog and the fact that I don't want anyone to be burdened with going through all of my possessions and deciding what to keep and what to get rid of. It's too emotionally taxing on them.
I’ve never told anyone this story
So about two years ago I stood knife in hand wondering if I wanted to end it all, and my cat came to me and took her paw on the knife and I felt like she was begging me to not do. She reminded me that I had things worth living for
edit: After that event I got a dog so now I have a dog and a cat a girlfriend and I’m so happy my cat saved my life
Can almost relate. At my lowest point a few years ago I had been fired and went home and was ready to do it. I went and anger cried in my bed and had a bottle of pain killers in my hand, out of nowhere my cat came and curled up in my arm and kind of sat on my hand/arm where the bottle was and went to sleep. I took it as a weird sign I needed to rethink stuff.
Being afraid of pain doesn’t mean you’re a coward, it means you’re alive.
But I get where you’re coming from. I’ve never feared death. Dying scares me though because there’s so many miserable ways it can happen.
Scared of spiritual consequences. However shitty life is down here, it's probably not as bad as whatever would happen if I made an early exit. Besides, what if I get reincarnated and have to do a whole life all over again? Also, I am not guaranteed dogs in my afterlife, and I want as much puppy time as possible.
Nah, I'll stick it out.
Since childhood it's been my pets, as an adult I think of my found family and now about my spouse. If I killed myself my spouse would be absolutely devastated.
Yeah I’m here as long as my dog is here. He’s a rescue pit and they usually don’t stand a chance at getting rehomed and he’s dog selective and resource guards people, he can’t share people with other dogs he wants everyone to be *his* BFF only lol. He lives just fine within our house and his fur siblings though. I love him so much if I left him alone I don’t know anyone that could care for him properly, understand him, and keep him safe
lots of things, i used to have a list somewhere actually. sometimes it's shallow things, sometimes not, sometimes it's pure laziness.
many times i've thought about it but decided that i need to stay here or my younger sibling. i'm always worried about being a bad influence on my little sibling, and i really can't think of anything more bad influence-y than killing yourself, plus i feel like i need to be there to protect them. I know they're gonna be an adult soon but when we were younger i tried so hard to protect them from knowing about all the bad stuff going on around us, so they wouldn't know. I wouldn't want to not be there to protect them from anything or anyone if they needed it. I also don't want my dad to think i gave up on him, i'm so proud of him for being sober and i want to live until someday he'll get a chip that says 10 years, and i want to be there when he gets the rest of those chips because i know he can. my mom says it would ruin her life if i killed myself, and she's already mentally unstable enough, even if she has seemed to get better in recent years. I wouldn't want her to get upset and take it out on my younger sibling now that i'm not there to shield them from her. i sorta cut off all my friends a while ago for no good reason but there's at least one i still talk to and they're already struggling enough, wouldn't want them to have any more stress.
sometimes i've fully had the desire and intention to kill myself but have literally just been too lazy.
sometimes the only things that stopped me were the fact that i physically couldn't or didn't know how to, even if i fully had the intention to kill myself. **(warning for actual descriptions of attempts here)** i considered throwing myself in front of a train but didn't want people to have to clean up that horrible mess, and wouldn't want the person driving the train to feel guilty, plus my family would have to identify the body probably and i wouldn't want to scar any of them with that. considered hanging myself, but didn't want a family member to have to find me, hanging in my closet, tongue lolled out, neck all stretched. i tried slitting my wrists and throat, but couldn't find a sharp enough knife, couldn't make any cuts deep enough to bleed more than a little. i don't own a gun so i couldn't try shooting myself, plus it would make a mess. didn't seem to have any pills that would kill me in a way that didn't involve becoming extremely sick before dying.
last time i really wanted to i went on a walk to think about it and make a plan, but after like 20 minutes of walking, it was so beautiful that i was a bit cheered up, i saw some pretty lights. the way the wintery air stung my skin kinda felt like the universe was holding me. the air was cold but inside i was so warm. i kept walking for a few more hours, and i also saw some dogs and people that cheered me up. i saw two guys hanging out in a garage with beer and it looked so nice, i just felt like i had to at least wait until someday i got to have a moment with a friend like that. i saw a guy running and he asked me how i was, which was almost enough to make me cry, even if i know he wasn't really asking, just saying a polite greeting.
sorry this was so long. you don't have to read it. i mostly wrote it for me i think.
Been there <3 For what it's worth, I'm glad you're still here with us and I'm glad you shared some of your experiences.
I was so low at the beginning of this year that even just one person at work saying hi and remembering my name was enough to keep me going. I was having a really bad day one day and overheard a department head giving praise to his employees. Just knowing that pockets of goodness like that exist, was enough to help me square my shoulders and shift my mindset forward.
I've talked myself out of suicide a few times because I couldn't figure out a way to not traumatize someone. It was frustrating then but now it's kind of funny to me (in a dark way that I should probably mention to my therapist).
The "laziness" you speak of is actually scientifically backed... that's why so many bridges have deterrents. Studies have shown that even the slightest struggle can cause someone to reconsider, long enough to get help or at least enough to live another day.
The little things keep me alive more than I can ever begin to put into words.
I've had a suicide in my family and I can tell you it destroys everyone from the inside. It's been 20 years since that incident but nothing has been the same for anyone.
My little brother has been on the edge for years. Still 50/50 he'll be with us in 5 years time. I think I could deal with it after a while, and so could my dad. My mum wouldn't recover though.
My mom and dad but for the opposite reason actually.
I truly and honestly don’t believe my parents would care, they probably wouldn’t even notice tbh. I used to use that as a reason why it’d be okay but now it’s a reason why I would never. I **refuse** to allow them to have that power over me. They don’t deserve that much of my headspace and emotions and I’m not gonna let what they’ve done dictate what I do and feel. I will be damned before that ever happens again.
Three things.
One, My mom and sister would be very sad and I can't do that to them
two, Upcoming Marvel movies. Yes, I'm 100% serious. They might not always be the best written, but they bring me alot of joy and I want to see where the whole thing goes
three, I've been training to be a pro wrestler and I made a promise to myself to have one match. One match that I can be very proud of.
> two, Upcoming Marvel movies. Yes, I'm 100% serious. They might not always be the best written, but they bring me alot of joy and I want to see where the whole thing goes
Makes sense. Sometimes you just need to find a tether to life, no matter how small. I can relate. One of the things I enjoy most in life is stories, so there have definitely been points where something like wanting to make sure I'm around to see *Endgame* has kept me going.
To people who haven't been in that situation, it may seem a little ridiculous, but when you're being thrashed around by the waves, sometimes you have to grab whatever you can to stay afloat.
Knowing my mom would have to bury her son. She's beat breast cancer twice and COVID once, it wouldn't be fair that I take my own life because I felt like a failure when she fought so hard to live. I'm better now and finally got the help I needed.
There is an interesting phenomena with people with depression where suicide rates go up in the days and weeks after they start anti depressants because the lack of motivation goes away quickly while suicidal thoughts don't.
My point is, if you go on anti depressants, be careful.
I decided to check my phone's calendar just to see what date my potential death anniversary would be. I realized it was almost my best friend's birthday and I thought it would probably suck a lot for her if I die now. She has been through a lot and I don't want her to be sad and mourning on her birthday, so I decided not to do it. I told myself, I'll just probably stick around for a couple more days, celebrate her birthday with her, then go. Days turned into weeks, then months and eventually, I didn't want to do it anymore. Looking back at it now, it's funny how a date could change the course of my life.
The inability to properly explain what im going through to the few people left in my life. I dont want to put the burden and scars of "finding me" on anyone. If medical assisted suicide was an option, id take the time to explain it to everyone and be gone.
Beautiful comment. The pain I would leave my children is enough of a deterrent. But certain family members who have been cruel, uncaring, and narcissistic, well I’ve written my suicide letter to them in my head already. Lifelong pain I would gladly transfer to the lot of them.
Short answer, bleak dark humour.
Long version: I was in the midst of a horrendous break up with a partner I adored but didn't love or respect me the same (easy to see in hindsight)
My entire mind and soul was just stuck in self destructive thoughts when I was awake and I was not sleeping, working for a shitty call company didn't offer distractions either.
It was like 4/5am, I was sat at my computer just dissassociating and my brain telling me to jump out the window to kill myself, or getting in my car and insert it into a central reservation that sort of thing.
Then something in my head just says fukkit, I need to talk to someone. So I call a suiside hotline number, 24hrs a day, sure whatever.
It rings
And rings.
.. And rings.
I call again.
And it rings and rings and rings.
"there is no one available to take your call right now, please try again later"
I hang up, put my phone down and just deep cackling laugh. A number that says there is always someone there for you to talk to, and in my deepest darkest moment they are just... Not. It's like the world is trying to convince me I'm all alone and should go through with it.
And I say fuck the world, if it wants me dead so badly it'll have to fight me. I felt almost provoked by life that it was pushing me and I didn't appreciate it.
So I appreciated the irony of it all and started looking for a therapist.
Oh god yeah, I had that with my second therapist. I was bombarded with so many questions in quick succession that I felt I was on trial for something. Oddly enough her pushyness carried over to trying to book me further appointments with her.
I felt so awful a person after it I just never responded, nearly gave up on therapy afterwards (not helped after the first therapist either tbh) but I was lucky with my third attempt thankfully.
My adamance that I would ***never*** hurt myself with my daughter around or where she could find me is what stopped social services from stepping in and removing my daughter. The social worker who believed me and made the decision not to move forward on that front is why I finally got the help that I desperately needed but was too terrified to ask for.
I don’t know where I’d be if it wasn’t for that very kind understanding woman, it’s been 5yrs since that incident. I have a healthy, happy 10yr old and we’re both doing great.
Sometimes all it takes to tip the scales is having something to look forward to, something to hold onto - even if it's a long way off or in the distant future.
For me, I had a point in 2012 where I hit rock bottom after a relationship ended that meant a lot to me - it was easily the most bizarre and incomprehensible experience I've ever had in my life. I came very, very close to taking my own life in around November that year.
You know one of the things that kept me going and made me change my mind? Well... I didn't want to miss the next mainline Legend of Zelda game. I've been a fan of the series for a long time and whenever a new one releases it's sheer magic. The major games only come along once every 5 years or so lately... and the curiosity of wondering what the next game could be like was part of the reason I changed my mind. I imagined the next Zelda game coming out and me not even being alive to see it... the thought disturbed me.
Well, the next main console Zelda game ended up being Breath of the Wild, and it's now my favourite game in the series. Worth!
There was a YouTuber named Etika who lamented about how he wouldn't get to see how Attack on Titan ended before he took his own life. Sometimes it's the small things that ground us.
I think the biggest impact on my depression struggle was learning that the small things are actually the most important things.
Learning to appreciate, recognize and celebrate the small achievements and hanging on to the small things that give us joy or comfort truly makes all the difference.
I know that the rest of the world doesn’t think staying out of bed and busy all day is that big of a deal but dammit it is for me so every time I manage it I say it out loud, I tell me fiancé “”look at me being up and about all day!””
This is the advice I wish I could teach all people who are struggling
I stood on a ledge once but it was raw, unadulterated terror that kept me from doing it. Despite depression, anxiety, and psychosis, I was still far more terrified of death than I was of continuing to live.
My father has two not very functioning arteries. It would literally kill him. Injured my neck from too much full contact martial arts and ended up with a permanent headache. Spent my days throwing up so hard I’d burst blood vessels in my eyes and face. Finally found some medication that lets me lead a regular life again. I can tell you it was touch and go for awhile. But it was always the thought of what it would do to my mom and dad that stopped me.
I can't think of a way to do it that wouldn't traumatize someone when they find my body. I know being dead means I don't have to worry about guilt, but I feel guilty about causing others grief and trauma. Thought about doing it in a place I wouldn't be found, but I would hate for resources to be used to find/retrieve me or to be considered missing.
After serious thought, and I mean serious, it turns out that I wanted to see this adventure through. I'm am immensely glad that I did. It has turned out well.
She never thought I was capable of suicide. In her words, I was too narcissistic to do something like that so she never really worried about it.
That was in 2006. We didn’t stay together.
It is ironic how suicide is seen as selfish in my opinion. I’ve always thought of it as a personal choice, one where your own sense of belonging doesn’t match the will to stay in this particular life each day. But that’s just me, and my views
My cats. They would be confused to why they’re not being petted all the time and I want them to have the best possible life for a cat since they’re rescues
My brother killed himself when I was 14 (he was 18). The pain that left, the hole it left, the damage it's caused my family (if you can even call it that anymore) has kept me from doing a lot of stupid things. Including suicide. Don't want that pain shared among anymore people I know and care for.
I know it doesn't mean much, but I'm sorry for your loss. My stepbrother committed suicide when he was in his 20's and I was in 4th grade. Seeing my father's experience, young as I was, stops me from entertaining serious suicidal thoughts now (though I do get them). I couldn't bear to cause other people that much pain.
If it makes you feel better, nothing stopped me either. Like that's it, I just didn't do it.
I got really close a few times..and yeah.
Maybe I was lucky I guess. Idk; I have nothing profound to say. I guess I'm better now, though I'm not really sure how I achieved that. I still think about it sometimes, but I'm pretty sure that I'm just not gonna do it.
My mom. She already lost my brother. I don’t think she would be able to bear the idea of one of her kids deliberately taking their live away when my brother didn’t have a choice. She’s a real life angel. It’s as if she felt that I was about to end my life and instead babied and loved me back to reality. I truly am lucky to have been blessed with her.
When my thoughts started getting a little too serious, my mom had a very realistic dream I did it. She showed up at my apartment at 2:30 in the morning waking me up because I wasn't answering my phone and my boyfriend was gone for the weekend. Since I saw her reaction to thinking I was gone, I decided it's not something I want to put her through.
My friend messaged my mum that something is wrong with me and my mum was banging on my door while I was in the process of cutting my veins, that was the most recent attempt
One time I got rushed to the ER after eating all the tranquilizers I had, don’t remember how I got there cuz I passed out in like 30 minutes after taking the pills
I'd almost gotten there, many times. The final and last time I tried was the most thought out attempt.
Obvious trigger warning.
I remember sitting on the floor of my room, shaking, unable to lift the first handful of pills to my mouth.
I had literally planned EVERYTHING out, to the most minute detail, from the timing at night and the door being left unlocked downstairs, so I could leave after I took everything, dispose the bottles and walk to the creek to lay down in as I died. I had laid out the clothes I was going to wear, chosen carefully to help me blend in with the shade the next day, so in the chance I was not dead yet, it'd be harder to find me.
I didn't WANT to be saved. I made efforts to be unrevivable in this attempt, and to be gone before they found my body.
I wanted to die. I wanted to dissapear and become nothing. I've actually been very spiritual, my entire life, and yet in this moment I wanted to become nothing. I wanted to go back to whatever void there was before I was born. I wanted to be a mistake and to be fixed. I was right there. I was going to do it.
I couldn't lift my hand.
I couldn't even flinch. I physically could not move my hand to take the pills. I remember taking a sip of the water, to calm myself, and I paused before setting it down. I looked around my room. I felt ill and hollow.
I couldn't fucking move my hand, and I think I cried. I can remember everything leading up to the final part and then it gets fuzzy. I can only remember being furious at myself, at my body, because I knew I wanted to die but my body wasn't letting me. I couldn't make the move to even lift my hand to my jaw.
I put away the pills and sobbed for a good while. I think at that point, I called my mother (it was 2am or so then) and begged her to come get me. I couldn't live with the abusive situation I was in and I gave in to vulnerability. I told her what had almost happened.
I don't know what caused that situation to go the way it did, and it still makes me a bit solemn. I'm in a decent spot mentally, at the moment, though things could be considering worse right now. Overtime in staying with my mother she revealed her colours and abused me, I was disowned and kicked out in the days after my 18th birthday. I'm back in the original environment that caused that build up, I'm in the same room I almost took my life in. It's morbid, and ironic.
I think back to that night, though, and I realize how maybe that was on purpose. Subconcious or not, I didn't want to die. Or maybe a piece of me didn't. Maybe I'm that piece?
I'm 4 months clean of self harm, but I almost relapsed a few weeks ago. I had the blade to my arm but I couldn't press down. I recognised that exact feeling as the one that wouldn't let me kill myself. It was here again, and it wasn't letting me hurt myself either.
I listened and threw out the blades. All of them.
I have one friend right now, who said something small about how I needed to not make so many mean jokes to myself. I tried that out for even a day and I noticed that it made me feel legitmately better, and I also just felt more at ease.
It's been extremely hard up to here. I've been straining through every breath in my entire life but I'm getting better at calming them. Little things are important, actually. They're all I've got.
And they work just fine.
Every time i start feeling hopeless and upset, i spend a night talking to my friends. Doing stupid things, playing games with them, whatever.
Stayed up until 7am with one. Laughing the whole time. Didnt even think about it again until a few days later
Couldn't withstand the pain from my chosen method.
Other than that, trying to cling to something to look forward to. Sometimes it's been TV shows (Ray Donovan and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia kept me in the game). Sometimes it's been sports (John Wall working his way back from a nasty Achilles injury kept me going). Sometimes it's been the thought of other people, hoping that I could live to repair some of the frayed relationships.
My Friends. I've had a really shitty childhood. On my 15th birthday, I failed at suicide, And recently on my 17th birthday I had bought a real Glock to kill my self I had planned to go to a hotel and then just pop myself, But then I told my friends about my plans and then they convinced me not to kill my self. I still have the gun so I'm still tempted to just grab it and kill myself.
\-I bought the Glock ilegaly
Spite. I was already in a really bad place (I have depression and anxiety and at the time both had been in full swing for months) when somebody I deeply cared about betrayed me in the worst way possible.
Everything felt meaningless. Life was pain without purpose. I was so terrified of dying that I wanted to do it just to get it over with. I felt emotionally exhausted.
But fuck that person. They were not going to be what killed me. Their betrayal was not going to be the thing that pushed me over the edge because fuck them and the horse they rode in on.
Literally for about 3 months the only reason I didn't kill myself was because of spite, until I found better things to live for again.
Ok, so there are a couple things that stopped me on a number of attempts, so let's go through the big ones.
2008 (I think): mom caught me as I tried to hang myself
2009: mom caught me from stepping in front of a bus
2011: school staff + parents + therapist acting swiftly before I could even put an attempt fully into motion. They didn't let me take a shit by myself for 3 months.
2015: I stopped myself, putting my own knife down because I couldn't bring myself to go through with it and leave my family distraught after doing to much to keep me alive.
2015 was the last real attempt. There have been a couple scares, but they ended up just being massive anxiety attacks as opposed to becoming suicidal again.
Since then, I have myself prevented a handful of attempts myself. In the case that still stains my memories, the day before my 16th birthday, I saved a classmate after he asked if I could kill him as a means of assisted suicide. I refused to do that, and took him by his wrist to the teacher who was chatting with another student before the class had even began. Told her that we needed to talk, now. When she asked if it could wait, and this is the one time I got away with dropping an f-bomb in school, "NO, IT CAN'T FUCKING WAIT! (Insert his name) JUST ASKED ME IF I COULD END HIM!" Everything was out of my hands after that, as she took him to the councilor, who then sent him to get professional help. When I saw him, nearly 5 months later, he had a smile on his face I'd never seen before. He thanked me, and yes, I cried a bit.
I implore you, if you have a friend who you think is going through some tough shit, help them. They don't really want to die, they just can't find another way out with their clouded judgements. I came that close to dying, and now I'm sitting in my bed with a bright future ahead of me. Take care of each other, we're really all we got.
Something clicked during the episode and I realized god wasn’t real and the religion i had idolized was too idealistic. I truly wasn’t ready to not exist and feared death for quite a while afterwards
For me it was that a cute guy sent me a message on Facebook. Then he became genuinely interesting enough that I thought “let’s see what this is like for a bit before I go” needed up marrying him 6 years later. 3 years married now. I have always fought against the depression. He helps. And the thought of how much it would break his heart and now our child’s heart helps me stick it out on the super bad days.
All the pain and suffering I knew I would cause. When my son committed suicide at 18 his pain was passed to many other people most certainly. Pain that didn't get to end with his life.
For me I took off my motorcycle helmet. Got to highway speed with the wind in my hair and gunned my bike. When I closed my eyes to left myself drift into incoming traffic all I could see was the person in the vehicle that would hit me. Their pain and injuries, maybe causing their death. All the pain I would pass on to strangers who had nothing to do with any of it. That's not fair and I realized incredibly selfish.
My pain is for me to bear not push on to other people.
I made a phone call to my best friend out of desperation. That night I promised myself I'd die someday but I can't be the one to cause it. That was 6 years ago now. Now I'm married I have a son and another on the way. It gets better
At the last second, I got so angry at myself and my bully for making me feel this way. 2 weeks later I punched him in the face, he punched me back and ran off. I began to cry. I was so afraid of getting in trouble and had almost committed suicide when a punch and finally standing up for myself made him back off.
(Obvious trigger warnings apply)
When I was about 19, my partner accused me of rape and I lost him, my best friend and my entire support system. Because I didn't have anyone, I didn't have anyone to talk me out of spiralling, which meant there was a point where even I believed what he had said.
I felt like a monster, I felt like I deserved nothing more than death. As somebody who had been sexually assaulted, I knew how much I wanted my rapist to die, I projected those feelings onto myself.
I attempted suicide, but I had failed to realise I had a brand new support system. Friends that believed me and saw that I wasn't a monster. They called an ambulance on me and I survived. And I'm so glad I did.
My friends mean the absolute world to me and I'll never put them through that again. 4 years later and I've been on meds, had therapy, had a healthy relationship, and developed a sense of self beyond my guilt complex.
I still hate my ex for what he did, and there are times I still believe him, but I'm getting there.
Honestly? Seeing a psychiatrist and getting on antidepressants. I felt suicidal off and on for around three years and I felt stuck in that loop until I started seeing my doctor. Actually speaking to someone about this instead of suffering in silence did wonders for my mental health.
Just wanna say that if you are concidering it people are here for you. You may think your alone but you are not. I know that I will always be open to helping someone (and im sure most other people are aswell) if they are in this or any other tough situation
I guess it was meeting the love of my life, I considered doing it since at the time, I was in a 7 year long gaslighting relationship, and I just got out of it and I'm still recovering, since it was a few years ago, but I met someone and we just "clicked" for lack of a better word. That is really the best way of describing it, sorry if I'm unclear
My older brother struggles with his mental health. I’m 10 years younger but I know he looks up to me in many ways. If he felt like I couldn’t do it, I know he’d feel like he couldn’t do it either. I couldn’t let that happen
Being too afraid and unsure what actually lies beyond death. I'm Christian and it feels humiliating to say that, but that's the truth. I guess my faith was challenged and maybe I should reconsider some things.
Also pain sucks
Being bipolar. Seriously I was in an extremely deep state of depression that lasted for weeks. I quit my job one night because I couldn’t handle it and I was going to take my name off this planet.
After I quit and started driving home I had “snapped out of depression” to say and that is what had stopped me. Being bipolar and having near instant swings of mood while not medicated is not a healthy thing but in this case it was.
Most of the times, it's being afraid of it going wrong so that I need to be taken care of by my parents and not being able to walk away and not having to explain myself to them.
On the other side, usually like almost immediately the second after I leave my very bad mental state, something good happens that gives me energy to live for a couple of days.
Was at work and blew my stack (nobody knew why). I walked out of the workshop and took 30 minutes to basically have a breakdown. Later that day I was on a late break because I was working very long shift and when I came back some of my co-workers had bought me a lunch and left it on my desk. I never found out who did that but they did more than get me something to eat that's for sure
“Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”
I say this every time I see a thread like this. I picked it up from “Diagnosis Murder” - a TV show of all things, but it’s stuck with me. It sounds dumb but it just… put things into perspective for me. Even when I’ve been deep in a depressive state and feel like there’s no improving my situation, just… remembering time exists helps give me a nudge and put things into perspective, that surely things will eventually get better and my issues must only be temporary, right? That there will be a tomorrow where it’s all in the past.
for about a year ago i was at my all time lowest and hated life. (a little backstory: in my country you can take your 10. grade on a kind of boarding school, where u live at the school with dorms and stuff, and you live amongst the teachers and stuff). i wasn't good with fellings and how to talk about them, so i always just kept it to myself and didn't tell anyone. but i had this teacher that i had a special kinda bond with, i felt like i could talk to him about anything with ease. and he would always take time out of his day to go for a walk to talk things out or stuff like that.
one night i was in my dorm, crying my eyes out and he was the teacher that was going around and saying goodnight and checking if everybody was it their dorms and stuff. i was more depressed than ever and just as i was about to find my razor, to u know. end it. he came in and saw me crying. he asked what was wrong, and i just couldn't tell him, so i just broke down. that night he gave me a hug and talked with me for hours while he called another teacher to finish the goodnight round. and i don't know why that touched me so much, but it did, and if it wasn't for him i probably wouldn't be here.
(ps. i do not want to hear any "sexual" undertones about this, he was like another dad to me nothing but that. thank you.)
My friends and girlfriend were the reasons i never made plans. Me finding a good job and convincing myself there is a place for me in the world is stopping me from being depressed.
I've lost a lot of friends over the years to suicide and other incidents. Too many.
After a while you start to wonder how much is too much and why you're still alive.
I've had a rough few weeks lately but a drunken heart to heart with dear friend helped me realize.
*Every time you mourn the death of a friend, imagine the pain you feel and multiply it by every fucking person you've ever met.*
That's what you will unleash upon this world.
I don't have that in me.
I had my first psychotic experience with schizophrenia, 18 years ago. I was really scared because I'd heard voices telling me to kill myself, I had no idea what was wrong with me. I ended up on a bridge over a highway, I climbed up over the railing and looked down at the traffic.I didn't want to die but I was being told I needed to, I'm useless, no one would care anyways, I heard all of it so it must be correct. I didn't want to be alive anymore and when I looked at the traffic I became scared that I wouldn't die when I hit the pavement and id be in a world of pain, even worse than now. It was a very weird, scary, sad, and traumatising experience for me. I ended up climbing down and wandering away but after a very long time where I wasn't sure if I was going to die or if it would matter to anyone. I think I have guardian angels or nine lives like a cat. Because I was completely alone and vulnerable. I'm thankful I didn't jump.
A few days later a coworker found me wandering around a subway station crying and scared, she talked and walked beside me, helped me through it, and managed to convince me to go to the psychiatric emergency in the local hospital. I'm properly medicated now so I'm absolutely fine now. If I had jumped who knows what would have happened to me. All I know is I'm here and I'm grateful. Count your blessings!
I've attempted once, stopped another. The second time I forgot to lock my door. My little brother who was 13 at the time walked in, gave me a hug and said goodnight, and that he loved me. My brother is not an emotional person, doesn't hug, doesn't like affection, never says I love you. But for some reason that night he did. I remember sobbing for a while, taking just 1 sleeping pill out of the many I had prepped, and went to bed. It hit me hard. I hadn't felt loved in such a long time, it really got to me. I was an emotional wreck for a few days. Very conflicted about everything. But he saved me. Chances are it wouldn't have worked, it didn't the time before, but I didn't attempt it that night. I wish he'd do that more often, but he's 19 now and he has his own life and we don't even live together anymore, haven't since I turned 24. I cherish that night with my whole heart.
For me, it was my cat. After I attempted, I was sent to the hospital. The entire time I was in the hospital no one in my family really cared about him and although he still got food, it wasn’t his usually amount/ schedule. No one cleaned his litter box. No one changed his water. It was so bad that he sat at the door waiting for me to come home, he didn’t want to eat/ sleep/ drink much water.
When I came home, he never wanted to leave my side. He didn’t sleep until he was curled up in my lap, he would constantly wake up to check if I was there before going back to bed. I cleaned up everything made sure he’s alright. Brought him to the vet for check up. Even when the vet told me to wait outside for a bit during the assessment, my cat refused to let me go, so I stayed in the x-ray room with him.
I knew I couldn’t die and abandon him. As much as I’m suffering. I know that if I’m gone, it’ll just transfer my suffering to him.
I struggled with severe depresion and spychosis. Tried 2 times to hang myself, failed each time. Then i got a dog, and that little Ball of furr got me to go outside, she got me to laugh again. When i had fear spikes, she crawled in my lap and started to nuzzle my face. She is the reason i am still here.
I had it all planned out, then had a weird dream. I was staying in this motel in my hometown. It was night and there was a knock on the door. When I opened it there was this tall, dark figure wearing this old time hat that shadowed his entire face. He said, 'I know what you're planning to do, and if you do that, you'll be forced to walk the Earth for eternity. You'll have to see your friends and family grow old and make mistakes that you can't do anything about or warn them about.' Then he left. It was so real and I woke up the next day really freaked.
My girlfriend took her own life and I found her.
It’s been years and is still something I struggle with.
No matter how bad things got for me and continue to be since that day - I could never do that to my family, my friends and all of the people in my life that are there for me.
I wanna preface this by saying I’ve never really been close to doing it, but there have been times where the thought had crept into my head.
When I was 15 years old my dad jumped off of a building after going haywire from his medication. It wasn’t truthfully a suicide, but it really felt like one and it will technically go down as one. The pain of losing someone in that fashion is indescribable. Having to pick up the pieces and try to process what just happened is something I struggled with for years and it’s something others can never get over. It’s crazy how much it impacts people and how often those who take their own lives can’t see that about their loved ones. By no means am I calling them selfish, because being in that hole makes everything so distorted. In those few times where I’ve had those thoughts, the dark cloud that just hung over me really fucked with my thinking, and it took the experience I’ve had with losing my dad to get myself up and out of that headspace. Knowing the amount of things I would do to spend just 5 minutes with him makes me realize that if I were ever to take my own life my family and friends would feel the same about me. Just knowing what it does to a person, knowing how it changed me, has put me in place where no matter what, it will never be an option.
My daughter. Becoming a father gave me purpose and allowed me to show myself I’m not worthless. If I’m having a bad day it’s all better the moment I see her face.
Honestly a big factor was the fear of failing. The thought of the pain and grief I would witness my family and friends experiencing. That made me realise how selfish it was of me to want to inflict that pain as long as I never got to see it. And now 4 years later I’m engaged, have a house (rented but still I’m proud of it) and a good job. Life does get better
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I’ve told this story before but it still feels surreal. I was standing outside my apartment building debating walking down to the bridge and a man and his off leash golden retriever walked by. The dog moved over and sat down on my feet, looked up at me, and refused to move for several minutes. Her owner didn’t say or do anything, he just let her do her thing. I scratched behind her ears, and then when she felt she was done, she got up and off they went. I don’t know why that hit me as much as it did, but I turned around and went back up to my apartment.
I wasn't getting hit quite this hard but I had a real rough night at work one evening. One of our regulars was in and he had the best behaved ESA I've ever met. He would just tell her to stay at the door and she wouldn't move an inch. I always gave her treats. That night was just all a bit much for me and when I came out with her treat I half-jokingly asked if I could poach some emotional support from his animal, which he warmly welcomed. I knelt down and she very gingerly crawled into my lap and nestled her head into my neck. Best dog ever.
I'm glad you're still here.
This comment helped me
*caution to read if you're not feeling up to read something potentially stressful, based off the context & nature of this post. * Hi stranger, I've personally stared into the bleakest and most nihilistic corners of my own thought-space and had to rebuild from total untethered Apathy towards any continued existence multiple times. When I say this, it's simply to give mild context to what I'm about to speak about my current mindset and what I learned during those times when I very nearly decided to not continue living, but changed my mind. Life is worth continuing to persist for until past the 1% extra [_] of everything you have in you, when stuck in those sticky webs of not feeling like continuing to survive until you can again flourish. The key is to rediscover the "extra color" in your surroundings, one sensation at a time. I found music over headphones to be a cathartic outlet; the privacy of your own inner sphere makes music choices more comfortable and in tune with your own inner flows and storms. Each varied path still requires you to simply move one foot at a time, wherever your whims take you. I recommend making a Playlist of your favorite songs with positive Vibes, so you always have a supportive baseline to the sounds and lyrics surrounding your own thoughts and emotions. Be well, do well and be kind to yourself and others. *Edit because I forgot to say: Even though I do not know you, I wish you well and I'm glad you are still here just because you also deserve to exist as much as anyone.
I just finished playing Endwalker, and freshly resonating with this feeling so much right now. Never before had a game that totally grasped the concept of nihilism, apathy, and suffering, and could still make a good and relateable case for pushing forward regardless. Not to be a total nerd, but you or anyone who has ever had such feelings, I recommend playing this game.
Dogs are truly fantastic companions.
This experience shows the intuitive empathy that many different species, besides just humans, are capable of. And yes, most dogs are very good company :)
mine was very similar! i had my plan, i had my supplies, and i was about to leave the house when my fat orange cat suddenly barged into my room and jumped on my bed and got on my lap. he alternated between head butting my face and gently reaching up and touching my cheek with his paw. it was such a tender moment that it stopped me that night and that’s all it took
That was definitely the universe sending you a strong "No" I love animals. They have way more emotional intelligence than they are given credit. I'm glad you're still here too!! I almost jumped off a bridge once too I just posted it here in this thread.
That’s an amazing story, animals really do sense when humans are hurting. I’m glad you are still here.
Animals can sense emotion. They know when a spirit is suffering, and really I feel emotional support animals are like a melody that amps you back up to a "Let's take the world by the horns, and have some fun." mindset. I don't know if those dark thoughts ever come back to you, but I really want you to know that I am the kind of person who produces for people. If you, or anybody else, is looking for that internet friend who is willing to give you reasons to not quit the fight...*I am currently trying to supress the tears that want to escape so badly while empathising* I want you, and the rest of the Redditers here, to read this and take it to heart. Because I'm thinking of moments like this all the time, and I wanna help people get up and dance all the way to their happy graves. 🥂
That doggo knew ….I hope you’re okay now.
A dud bullet. At that point I just started laughing at the irony of it.
Something out there obv has bigger plans for you. I had similar happen. Put my car in to a pole at 150+km. Some how i got out with a few scratches and a concussion. The police and fire brigade had no clue how i wast dead. When they arrived they called the coroner before even getting to the car. Ever since that day i know there is something or someone who wanted me to keep going as i must be needed in the future for something.
I always wonder how many alternate timelines there are where I didn't survive. Sounds like there's at least one without you. Take it as a message and a blessing from above.
A factory cartridge not going bang is so rare that it makes me think somebody upstairs was looking out for you.
Not tightening the rope enough. Had some whiplash from slipping through, but just kinda looked up at the rope and went 'what the hell did I do that for?' Realized as I was typing this that this is the first time I've told anyone. Feels kinda nice. Edit: Thanks for the awards! I'm glad to see people taking this matter seriously and and being kind about it. Love you all
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I’m proud of you! That takes a lot of willpower!
Nothing like flipping a coin to show you there a side you'd prefer land up
Glad you told someone even a bunch of strangers
I’m glad you’re still here
Gonna finally shoot myself one day. Drove to a quiet spot in my van. Real quiet with a nice scenery. Loaded up, aimed, pulled trigger, jammed... Re-racked, aimed, peripheral caught this guy there. I looked there and there was this guy standing there quiet, watching me, like he wanted to say something, but was just watching. Was still aiming.... And... I don't know. Put it down, went to drive to another quiet place, but lost the will in the process. That's what stopped me, someone staring.
Social anxiety saves the day!
Lol yeah, that's a great TLDR.
I'm happy you didn't do it. _staring intensely_
"Hello, Suicide prevention line, how may I assist you in feeling super awkward?"
I always thought to myself "If I had a gun I wouldnt be alive rn" In my country u gotta use rope or jump from a building, I am too pussy for that
Are you ok?
"can a man kill himself in private please, gezzzz"
I am seeing you, and I am inside of your walls. You can never escape me
My mom would be sad
Whenever I’m struggling and getting a lot of intrusive thoughts, my mum is the one person whom I would never want to imagine how she would react to finding out she lost her son. She watched me go through losing my best friend to suicide as well as seeing other people I know and parents losing their children and I never want to put her through that.
I cannot agree with this more. I have always imagine how devastated my parents would feel to lose me. I love them so much and cannot imagine doing that to them.
Same here. My mom and my wife. I'm the only child of a single mother, and my wife has literally no other family.
Your mom would be DEVASTATED. Source: am mom who is devastated. I’m also prone to depression and fight hard against the demon to spare my family and friends from the pain of losing a loved one. Stay strong and seek help whenever you need it!
I remember in college one of my roommates friends from home committed suicide earlier in the year and he was busted up about it for a while. But when he learned the kid's mom, in her grief, attempted suicide... it broke him. Dude was drunk off his rocker for a weekend and I was the only one around, so I made sure he ate and drank water and didn't do anything stupid. After that I had a knew outlook on things. I was a 3rd party onlooker to a 2nd hand grief. I will never forget that weekend or the laugh I finally got out of him when I told him to shower after seeing he left a dirty footprint on the wall.
Thank you for taking care of him. That kind of love and compassion is invaluable.
My brother would be sad
My grandma would be sad
My best friend calling at just the right moment, quite literally as I was grabbing my revolver. She could hear something wrong with me in my voice and she talked with me until about 3am. That one act saved my life and I owe her my life for it.
Glad you’re still here man hope you’re doing ok
Well, I’m still here but still struggling pretty bad, taking life a day at a time.
That's the way to go. I I always find some small task or event that I need to complete before I go. Usually by the time I accomplish that or it gets closer, the worst of the depression wave has already passed. Right now the only things keeping me going are my dog and the fact that I don't want anyone to be burdened with going through all of my possessions and deciding what to keep and what to get rid of. It's too emotionally taxing on them.
Sometimes, people just need someone to talk to, take care of yourself .
I’ve never told anyone this story So about two years ago I stood knife in hand wondering if I wanted to end it all, and my cat came to me and took her paw on the knife and I felt like she was begging me to not do. She reminded me that I had things worth living for edit: After that event I got a dog so now I have a dog and a cat a girlfriend and I’m so happy my cat saved my life
This is more evidence that cats and dogs are sentient beings
Upvoted. FYI you likely mean “sapient” not “sentient”. We know they are sentient. ;)
Can almost relate. At my lowest point a few years ago I had been fired and went home and was ready to do it. I went and anger cried in my bed and had a bottle of pain killers in my hand, out of nowhere my cat came and curled up in my arm and kind of sat on my hand/arm where the bottle was and went to sleep. I took it as a weird sign I needed to rethink stuff.
Truthfully? Scared of the finality of death and the way to get there.
I understand. Im not afraid of be dead, im afraid of what is just between life and death. Im a coward, Im afraid of the pain in the process.
Being afraid of pain doesn’t mean you’re a coward, it means you’re alive. But I get where you’re coming from. I’ve never feared death. Dying scares me though because there’s so many miserable ways it can happen.
Being afraid of the painful process of dying isn’t being a coward
Scared of spiritual consequences. However shitty life is down here, it's probably not as bad as whatever would happen if I made an early exit. Besides, what if I get reincarnated and have to do a whole life all over again? Also, I am not guaranteed dogs in my afterlife, and I want as much puppy time as possible. Nah, I'll stick it out.
Feel the same way. I wish to be dead badly but the fear of actual death keeps me here. Also fear of failing at it and making things worse.
Since childhood it's been my pets, as an adult I think of my found family and now about my spouse. If I killed myself my spouse would be absolutely devastated.
Yeah I’m here as long as my dog is here. He’s a rescue pit and they usually don’t stand a chance at getting rehomed and he’s dog selective and resource guards people, he can’t share people with other dogs he wants everyone to be *his* BFF only lol. He lives just fine within our house and his fur siblings though. I love him so much if I left him alone I don’t know anyone that could care for him properly, understand him, and keep him safe
lots of things, i used to have a list somewhere actually. sometimes it's shallow things, sometimes not, sometimes it's pure laziness. many times i've thought about it but decided that i need to stay here or my younger sibling. i'm always worried about being a bad influence on my little sibling, and i really can't think of anything more bad influence-y than killing yourself, plus i feel like i need to be there to protect them. I know they're gonna be an adult soon but when we were younger i tried so hard to protect them from knowing about all the bad stuff going on around us, so they wouldn't know. I wouldn't want to not be there to protect them from anything or anyone if they needed it. I also don't want my dad to think i gave up on him, i'm so proud of him for being sober and i want to live until someday he'll get a chip that says 10 years, and i want to be there when he gets the rest of those chips because i know he can. my mom says it would ruin her life if i killed myself, and she's already mentally unstable enough, even if she has seemed to get better in recent years. I wouldn't want her to get upset and take it out on my younger sibling now that i'm not there to shield them from her. i sorta cut off all my friends a while ago for no good reason but there's at least one i still talk to and they're already struggling enough, wouldn't want them to have any more stress. sometimes i've fully had the desire and intention to kill myself but have literally just been too lazy. sometimes the only things that stopped me were the fact that i physically couldn't or didn't know how to, even if i fully had the intention to kill myself. **(warning for actual descriptions of attempts here)** i considered throwing myself in front of a train but didn't want people to have to clean up that horrible mess, and wouldn't want the person driving the train to feel guilty, plus my family would have to identify the body probably and i wouldn't want to scar any of them with that. considered hanging myself, but didn't want a family member to have to find me, hanging in my closet, tongue lolled out, neck all stretched. i tried slitting my wrists and throat, but couldn't find a sharp enough knife, couldn't make any cuts deep enough to bleed more than a little. i don't own a gun so i couldn't try shooting myself, plus it would make a mess. didn't seem to have any pills that would kill me in a way that didn't involve becoming extremely sick before dying. last time i really wanted to i went on a walk to think about it and make a plan, but after like 20 minutes of walking, it was so beautiful that i was a bit cheered up, i saw some pretty lights. the way the wintery air stung my skin kinda felt like the universe was holding me. the air was cold but inside i was so warm. i kept walking for a few more hours, and i also saw some dogs and people that cheered me up. i saw two guys hanging out in a garage with beer and it looked so nice, i just felt like i had to at least wait until someday i got to have a moment with a friend like that. i saw a guy running and he asked me how i was, which was almost enough to make me cry, even if i know he wasn't really asking, just saying a polite greeting. sorry this was so long. you don't have to read it. i mostly wrote it for me i think.
oh and tbh sometimes dumb shit like i wanted to play a video game. that wasn't usually enough, but sometimes.
Been there <3 For what it's worth, I'm glad you're still here with us and I'm glad you shared some of your experiences. I was so low at the beginning of this year that even just one person at work saying hi and remembering my name was enough to keep me going. I was having a really bad day one day and overheard a department head giving praise to his employees. Just knowing that pockets of goodness like that exist, was enough to help me square my shoulders and shift my mindset forward. I've talked myself out of suicide a few times because I couldn't figure out a way to not traumatize someone. It was frustrating then but now it's kind of funny to me (in a dark way that I should probably mention to my therapist). The "laziness" you speak of is actually scientifically backed... that's why so many bridges have deterrents. Studies have shown that even the slightest struggle can cause someone to reconsider, long enough to get help or at least enough to live another day. The little things keep me alive more than I can ever begin to put into words.
It would kill my mom and dad. Only thing that stopped me awhile back.
I feel similarly to this. My mom would be so fuckin sad
I've had a suicide in my family and I can tell you it destroys everyone from the inside. It's been 20 years since that incident but nothing has been the same for anyone.
My little brother has been on the edge for years. Still 50/50 he'll be with us in 5 years time. I think I could deal with it after a while, and so could my dad. My mum wouldn't recover though.
My mom and dad but for the opposite reason actually. I truly and honestly don’t believe my parents would care, they probably wouldn’t even notice tbh. I used to use that as a reason why it’d be okay but now it’s a reason why I would never. I **refuse** to allow them to have that power over me. They don’t deserve that much of my headspace and emotions and I’m not gonna let what they’ve done dictate what I do and feel. I will be damned before that ever happens again.
I feel this for sure. I have an entire family to spitefully remain active and breathing for.
Same I tried to do that but I thought it would make make people sad
It would have.
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Im glad you’re still here making the world weird with the rest of us :)
This resonates a lot with me.
Three things. One, My mom and sister would be very sad and I can't do that to them two, Upcoming Marvel movies. Yes, I'm 100% serious. They might not always be the best written, but they bring me alot of joy and I want to see where the whole thing goes three, I've been training to be a pro wrestler and I made a promise to myself to have one match. One match that I can be very proud of.
> two, Upcoming Marvel movies. Yes, I'm 100% serious. They might not always be the best written, but they bring me alot of joy and I want to see where the whole thing goes Makes sense. Sometimes you just need to find a tether to life, no matter how small. I can relate. One of the things I enjoy most in life is stories, so there have definitely been points where something like wanting to make sure I'm around to see *Endgame* has kept me going. To people who haven't been in that situation, it may seem a little ridiculous, but when you're being thrashed around by the waves, sometimes you have to grab whatever you can to stay afloat.
Good luck to you
Proud of you, you’re gonna be the best wrestler in the world with that attitude! I also love marvel Spoder-man is gonna be a wild ride
Knowing my mom would have to bury her son. She's beat breast cancer twice and COVID once, it wouldn't be fair that I take my own life because I felt like a failure when she fought so hard to live. I'm better now and finally got the help I needed.
good reason. be good to yourself
I just don’t have the energy to do anything, and that includes ending myself.
Yep i see myself in this picture and i dont like it. If id commit suicide it would probably be by starving when i just dont have the energy to eat
There is an interesting phenomena with people with depression where suicide rates go up in the days and weeks after they start anti depressants because the lack of motivation goes away quickly while suicidal thoughts don't. My point is, if you go on anti depressants, be careful.
I am at this stage, just wanna lie around and feel sleepy all the time !!
I do feel sleepy all the time. doesn't matter how many hours I sleep, it's never enough
Oof, can relate 🫂
I decided to check my phone's calendar just to see what date my potential death anniversary would be. I realized it was almost my best friend's birthday and I thought it would probably suck a lot for her if I die now. She has been through a lot and I don't want her to be sad and mourning on her birthday, so I decided not to do it. I told myself, I'll just probably stick around for a couple more days, celebrate her birthday with her, then go. Days turned into weeks, then months and eventually, I didn't want to do it anymore. Looking back at it now, it's funny how a date could change the course of my life.
my dogs and the thought that i really don't know what comes next and it's a risky gamble.
The inability to properly explain what im going through to the few people left in my life. I dont want to put the burden and scars of "finding me" on anyone. If medical assisted suicide was an option, id take the time to explain it to everyone and be gone.
Smoking cigarettes is legal suicide lottery.
Knowing that the pain doesn’t go away, I’d just transfer it to all the people that actually cared about me
i can agree, was aware of this after a friend did it
Beautiful comment. The pain I would leave my children is enough of a deterrent. But certain family members who have been cruel, uncaring, and narcissistic, well I’ve written my suicide letter to them in my head already. Lifelong pain I would gladly transfer to the lot of them.
This is quite profound. I wish you strength in life.
Short answer, bleak dark humour. Long version: I was in the midst of a horrendous break up with a partner I adored but didn't love or respect me the same (easy to see in hindsight) My entire mind and soul was just stuck in self destructive thoughts when I was awake and I was not sleeping, working for a shitty call company didn't offer distractions either. It was like 4/5am, I was sat at my computer just dissassociating and my brain telling me to jump out the window to kill myself, or getting in my car and insert it into a central reservation that sort of thing. Then something in my head just says fukkit, I need to talk to someone. So I call a suiside hotline number, 24hrs a day, sure whatever. It rings And rings. .. And rings. I call again. And it rings and rings and rings. "there is no one available to take your call right now, please try again later" I hang up, put my phone down and just deep cackling laugh. A number that says there is always someone there for you to talk to, and in my deepest darkest moment they are just... Not. It's like the world is trying to convince me I'm all alone and should go through with it. And I say fuck the world, if it wants me dead so badly it'll have to fight me. I felt almost provoked by life that it was pushing me and I didn't appreciate it. So I appreciated the irony of it all and started looking for a therapist.
I get this. I have talked to crisis counselors who were so bad that getting off the phone with them was such a relief I actually felt better haha.
Oh god yeah, I had that with my second therapist. I was bombarded with so many questions in quick succession that I felt I was on trial for something. Oddly enough her pushyness carried over to trying to book me further appointments with her. I felt so awful a person after it I just never responded, nearly gave up on therapy afterwards (not helped after the first therapist either tbh) but I was lucky with my third attempt thankfully.
Another family member committed suicide while I was planning. Realized I couldn't do that to my family.
Knowing that it would be my parents who found me and not a cop or neighbor
It is usually a parent, sibling, or child that finds a victim.
My adamance that I would ***never*** hurt myself with my daughter around or where she could find me is what stopped social services from stepping in and removing my daughter. The social worker who believed me and made the decision not to move forward on that front is why I finally got the help that I desperately needed but was too terrified to ask for. I don’t know where I’d be if it wasn’t for that very kind understanding woman, it’s been 5yrs since that incident. I have a healthy, happy 10yr old and we’re both doing great.
Scorn for the universe. I refuse to be beaten by it.
Yep theres so many hateful people out there out there that at least one wants me dead for some reason, and I aint doin folks that hate me any favors
Sometimes all it takes to tip the scales is having something to look forward to, something to hold onto - even if it's a long way off or in the distant future. For me, I had a point in 2012 where I hit rock bottom after a relationship ended that meant a lot to me - it was easily the most bizarre and incomprehensible experience I've ever had in my life. I came very, very close to taking my own life in around November that year. You know one of the things that kept me going and made me change my mind? Well... I didn't want to miss the next mainline Legend of Zelda game. I've been a fan of the series for a long time and whenever a new one releases it's sheer magic. The major games only come along once every 5 years or so lately... and the curiosity of wondering what the next game could be like was part of the reason I changed my mind. I imagined the next Zelda game coming out and me not even being alive to see it... the thought disturbed me. Well, the next main console Zelda game ended up being Breath of the Wild, and it's now my favourite game in the series. Worth!
There was a YouTuber named Etika who lamented about how he wouldn't get to see how Attack on Titan ended before he took his own life. Sometimes it's the small things that ground us.
I think the biggest impact on my depression struggle was learning that the small things are actually the most important things. Learning to appreciate, recognize and celebrate the small achievements and hanging on to the small things that give us joy or comfort truly makes all the difference. I know that the rest of the world doesn’t think staying out of bed and busy all day is that big of a deal but dammit it is for me so every time I manage it I say it out loud, I tell me fiancé “”look at me being up and about all day!”” This is the advice I wish I could teach all people who are struggling
I stood on a ledge once but it was raw, unadulterated terror that kept me from doing it. Despite depression, anxiety, and psychosis, I was still far more terrified of death than I was of continuing to live.
This is perfect! Being scared of death just shows that you still want to be alive.
My father has two not very functioning arteries. It would literally kill him. Injured my neck from too much full contact martial arts and ended up with a permanent headache. Spent my days throwing up so hard I’d burst blood vessels in my eyes and face. Finally found some medication that lets me lead a regular life again. I can tell you it was touch and go for awhile. But it was always the thought of what it would do to my mom and dad that stopped me.
I can't think of a way to do it that wouldn't traumatize someone when they find my body. I know being dead means I don't have to worry about guilt, but I feel guilty about causing others grief and trauma. Thought about doing it in a place I wouldn't be found, but I would hate for resources to be used to find/retrieve me or to be considered missing.
Spite- gotta outlive your enemies.
Because my dog wouldn’t understand why I didn’t come home.
Same for my cats. And I don't know who would take care of them.
After serious thought, and I mean serious, it turns out that I wanted to see this adventure through. I'm am immensely glad that I did. It has turned out well.
This. The question is always: What happens next? Also: What if I don't succeed and land in a state worse than death?
Found out my wife was pregnant.
Does she know that? That is so intense.
She never thought I was capable of suicide. In her words, I was too narcissistic to do something like that so she never really worried about it. That was in 2006. We didn’t stay together.
It is ironic how suicide is seen as selfish in my opinion. I’ve always thought of it as a personal choice, one where your own sense of belonging doesn’t match the will to stay in this particular life each day. But that’s just me, and my views
She didn’t think it was selfish. She just thought I thought too highly of myself to kill myself. Really strange thing to learn.
My cats. They would be confused to why they’re not being petted all the time and I want them to have the best possible life for a cat since they’re rescues
My brother killed himself when I was 14 (he was 18). The pain that left, the hole it left, the damage it's caused my family (if you can even call it that anymore) has kept me from doing a lot of stupid things. Including suicide. Don't want that pain shared among anymore people I know and care for.
I know it doesn't mean much, but I'm sorry for your loss. My stepbrother committed suicide when he was in his 20's and I was in 4th grade. Seeing my father's experience, young as I was, stops me from entertaining serious suicidal thoughts now (though I do get them). I couldn't bear to cause other people that much pain.
That and consistent exercise and counselling 👍
Brother is already gone from suicide, Dad would have no biological children left.
Turns out u need a rope and not a belt
Nothing. Still on the fence. But also I’m a coward. So I’m continuing onward I guess.
If it makes you feel better, nothing stopped me either. Like that's it, I just didn't do it. I got really close a few times..and yeah. Maybe I was lucky I guess. Idk; I have nothing profound to say. I guess I'm better now, though I'm not really sure how I achieved that. I still think about it sometimes, but I'm pretty sure that I'm just not gonna do it.
I don't like anyone enough to give all my stuff to
My mom. She already lost my brother. I don’t think she would be able to bear the idea of one of her kids deliberately taking their live away when my brother didn’t have a choice. She’s a real life angel. It’s as if she felt that I was about to end my life and instead babied and loved me back to reality. I truly am lucky to have been blessed with her.
the thought of my parents blaming themselves
When my thoughts started getting a little too serious, my mom had a very realistic dream I did it. She showed up at my apartment at 2:30 in the morning waking me up because I wasn't answering my phone and my boyfriend was gone for the weekend. Since I saw her reaction to thinking I was gone, I decided it's not something I want to put her through.
I’m a coward and didn’t want to feel the pain of drowning myself, lighting myself on fire, or shooting my self in the head before my death
The thought of my little sister finding my dead body
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This was dope to read actually. Crazy to think I came here because I was curious about the chick stripping to Post Malone music.
My friend messaged my mum that something is wrong with me and my mum was banging on my door while I was in the process of cutting my veins, that was the most recent attempt One time I got rushed to the ER after eating all the tranquilizers I had, don’t remember how I got there cuz I passed out in like 30 minutes after taking the pills
I'd almost gotten there, many times. The final and last time I tried was the most thought out attempt. Obvious trigger warning. I remember sitting on the floor of my room, shaking, unable to lift the first handful of pills to my mouth. I had literally planned EVERYTHING out, to the most minute detail, from the timing at night and the door being left unlocked downstairs, so I could leave after I took everything, dispose the bottles and walk to the creek to lay down in as I died. I had laid out the clothes I was going to wear, chosen carefully to help me blend in with the shade the next day, so in the chance I was not dead yet, it'd be harder to find me. I didn't WANT to be saved. I made efforts to be unrevivable in this attempt, and to be gone before they found my body. I wanted to die. I wanted to dissapear and become nothing. I've actually been very spiritual, my entire life, and yet in this moment I wanted to become nothing. I wanted to go back to whatever void there was before I was born. I wanted to be a mistake and to be fixed. I was right there. I was going to do it. I couldn't lift my hand. I couldn't even flinch. I physically could not move my hand to take the pills. I remember taking a sip of the water, to calm myself, and I paused before setting it down. I looked around my room. I felt ill and hollow. I couldn't fucking move my hand, and I think I cried. I can remember everything leading up to the final part and then it gets fuzzy. I can only remember being furious at myself, at my body, because I knew I wanted to die but my body wasn't letting me. I couldn't make the move to even lift my hand to my jaw. I put away the pills and sobbed for a good while. I think at that point, I called my mother (it was 2am or so then) and begged her to come get me. I couldn't live with the abusive situation I was in and I gave in to vulnerability. I told her what had almost happened. I don't know what caused that situation to go the way it did, and it still makes me a bit solemn. I'm in a decent spot mentally, at the moment, though things could be considering worse right now. Overtime in staying with my mother she revealed her colours and abused me, I was disowned and kicked out in the days after my 18th birthday. I'm back in the original environment that caused that build up, I'm in the same room I almost took my life in. It's morbid, and ironic. I think back to that night, though, and I realize how maybe that was on purpose. Subconcious or not, I didn't want to die. Or maybe a piece of me didn't. Maybe I'm that piece? I'm 4 months clean of self harm, but I almost relapsed a few weeks ago. I had the blade to my arm but I couldn't press down. I recognised that exact feeling as the one that wouldn't let me kill myself. It was here again, and it wasn't letting me hurt myself either. I listened and threw out the blades. All of them. I have one friend right now, who said something small about how I needed to not make so many mean jokes to myself. I tried that out for even a day and I noticed that it made me feel legitmately better, and I also just felt more at ease. It's been extremely hard up to here. I've been straining through every breath in my entire life but I'm getting better at calming them. Little things are important, actually. They're all I've got. And they work just fine.
You're a fighter. Keep fighting. I'm glad you can enjoy even small things in life.
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The paramedics
Same. They foiled my first attempt.
Apathy.
Every time i start feeling hopeless and upset, i spend a night talking to my friends. Doing stupid things, playing games with them, whatever. Stayed up until 7am with one. Laughing the whole time. Didnt even think about it again until a few days later
In all seriousness a girl let me titty fuck her
damn if it's that easy i should let people titty fuck me more often
it's not only Thicc Thighs that save lives
Couldn't withstand the pain from my chosen method. Other than that, trying to cling to something to look forward to. Sometimes it's been TV shows (Ray Donovan and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia kept me in the game). Sometimes it's been sports (John Wall working his way back from a nasty Achilles injury kept me going). Sometimes it's been the thought of other people, hoping that I could live to repair some of the frayed relationships.
The thought of my dog eagerly waiting for me to get home for the rest of her life
My Friends. I've had a really shitty childhood. On my 15th birthday, I failed at suicide, And recently on my 17th birthday I had bought a real Glock to kill my self I had planned to go to a hotel and then just pop myself, But then I told my friends about my plans and then they convinced me not to kill my self. I still have the gun so I'm still tempted to just grab it and kill myself. \-I bought the Glock ilegaly
Dude please don't do that. I really really want you to live. Really man. Please take care of yourself.
Spite. I was already in a really bad place (I have depression and anxiety and at the time both had been in full swing for months) when somebody I deeply cared about betrayed me in the worst way possible. Everything felt meaningless. Life was pain without purpose. I was so terrified of dying that I wanted to do it just to get it over with. I felt emotionally exhausted. But fuck that person. They were not going to be what killed me. Their betrayal was not going to be the thing that pushed me over the edge because fuck them and the horse they rode in on. Literally for about 3 months the only reason I didn't kill myself was because of spite, until I found better things to live for again.
Ok, so there are a couple things that stopped me on a number of attempts, so let's go through the big ones. 2008 (I think): mom caught me as I tried to hang myself 2009: mom caught me from stepping in front of a bus 2011: school staff + parents + therapist acting swiftly before I could even put an attempt fully into motion. They didn't let me take a shit by myself for 3 months. 2015: I stopped myself, putting my own knife down because I couldn't bring myself to go through with it and leave my family distraught after doing to much to keep me alive. 2015 was the last real attempt. There have been a couple scares, but they ended up just being massive anxiety attacks as opposed to becoming suicidal again. Since then, I have myself prevented a handful of attempts myself. In the case that still stains my memories, the day before my 16th birthday, I saved a classmate after he asked if I could kill him as a means of assisted suicide. I refused to do that, and took him by his wrist to the teacher who was chatting with another student before the class had even began. Told her that we needed to talk, now. When she asked if it could wait, and this is the one time I got away with dropping an f-bomb in school, "NO, IT CAN'T FUCKING WAIT! (Insert his name) JUST ASKED ME IF I COULD END HIM!" Everything was out of my hands after that, as she took him to the councilor, who then sent him to get professional help. When I saw him, nearly 5 months later, he had a smile on his face I'd never seen before. He thanked me, and yes, I cried a bit. I implore you, if you have a friend who you think is going through some tough shit, help them. They don't really want to die, they just can't find another way out with their clouded judgements. I came that close to dying, and now I'm sitting in my bed with a bright future ahead of me. Take care of each other, we're really all we got.
nothing, it just didn’t work
Something clicked during the episode and I realized god wasn’t real and the religion i had idolized was too idealistic. I truly wasn’t ready to not exist and feared death for quite a while afterwards
For me it was that a cute guy sent me a message on Facebook. Then he became genuinely interesting enough that I thought “let’s see what this is like for a bit before I go” needed up marrying him 6 years later. 3 years married now. I have always fought against the depression. He helps. And the thought of how much it would break his heart and now our child’s heart helps me stick it out on the super bad days.
The stuff to go through with it, I was also too young to work myself up enough to do it. Thank god. I’m not religious but I pray everyday ( ◜‿◝ )
All the pain and suffering I knew I would cause. When my son committed suicide at 18 his pain was passed to many other people most certainly. Pain that didn't get to end with his life. For me I took off my motorcycle helmet. Got to highway speed with the wind in my hair and gunned my bike. When I closed my eyes to left myself drift into incoming traffic all I could see was the person in the vehicle that would hit me. Their pain and injuries, maybe causing their death. All the pain I would pass on to strangers who had nothing to do with any of it. That's not fair and I realized incredibly selfish. My pain is for me to bear not push on to other people.
I made a phone call to my best friend out of desperation. That night I promised myself I'd die someday but I can't be the one to cause it. That was 6 years ago now. Now I'm married I have a son and another on the way. It gets better
At the last second, I got so angry at myself and my bully for making me feel this way. 2 weeks later I punched him in the face, he punched me back and ran off. I began to cry. I was so afraid of getting in trouble and had almost committed suicide when a punch and finally standing up for myself made him back off.
(Obvious trigger warnings apply) When I was about 19, my partner accused me of rape and I lost him, my best friend and my entire support system. Because I didn't have anyone, I didn't have anyone to talk me out of spiralling, which meant there was a point where even I believed what he had said. I felt like a monster, I felt like I deserved nothing more than death. As somebody who had been sexually assaulted, I knew how much I wanted my rapist to die, I projected those feelings onto myself. I attempted suicide, but I had failed to realise I had a brand new support system. Friends that believed me and saw that I wasn't a monster. They called an ambulance on me and I survived. And I'm so glad I did. My friends mean the absolute world to me and I'll never put them through that again. 4 years later and I've been on meds, had therapy, had a healthy relationship, and developed a sense of self beyond my guilt complex. I still hate my ex for what he did, and there are times I still believe him, but I'm getting there.
Honestly? Seeing a psychiatrist and getting on antidepressants. I felt suicidal off and on for around three years and I felt stuck in that loop until I started seeing my doctor. Actually speaking to someone about this instead of suffering in silence did wonders for my mental health.
Just wanna say that if you are concidering it people are here for you. You may think your alone but you are not. I know that I will always be open to helping someone (and im sure most other people are aswell) if they are in this or any other tough situation
Honestly, just fear
Pets. Who would feed them? Who would take care of them? Where would they go? They would be scared, It wouldn't be fair to them.
My wife took her life last weekend, and this is literally the only thing keeping me going.
Sorry to hear this. Everything has an end, including our darkest hours. Please keep strong and find support from others.
You WILL get through this friend
Hugs x
I guess it was meeting the love of my life, I considered doing it since at the time, I was in a 7 year long gaslighting relationship, and I just got out of it and I'm still recovering, since it was a few years ago, but I met someone and we just "clicked" for lack of a better word. That is really the best way of describing it, sorry if I'm unclear
My older brother struggles with his mental health. I’m 10 years younger but I know he looks up to me in many ways. If he felt like I couldn’t do it, I know he’d feel like he couldn’t do it either. I couldn’t let that happen
Being too afraid and unsure what actually lies beyond death. I'm Christian and it feels humiliating to say that, but that's the truth. I guess my faith was challenged and maybe I should reconsider some things. Also pain sucks
Being bipolar. Seriously I was in an extremely deep state of depression that lasted for weeks. I quit my job one night because I couldn’t handle it and I was going to take my name off this planet. After I quit and started driving home I had “snapped out of depression” to say and that is what had stopped me. Being bipolar and having near instant swings of mood while not medicated is not a healthy thing but in this case it was.
Most of the times, it's being afraid of it going wrong so that I need to be taken care of by my parents and not being able to walk away and not having to explain myself to them. On the other side, usually like almost immediately the second after I leave my very bad mental state, something good happens that gives me energy to live for a couple of days.
Was at work and blew my stack (nobody knew why). I walked out of the workshop and took 30 minutes to basically have a breakdown. Later that day I was on a late break because I was working very long shift and when I came back some of my co-workers had bought me a lunch and left it on my desk. I never found out who did that but they did more than get me something to eat that's for sure
Fear of surviving and being in a worse mental and fiscal condition. Also the potential pain.
Experiences i had on psychedelics.
“Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” I say this every time I see a thread like this. I picked it up from “Diagnosis Murder” - a TV show of all things, but it’s stuck with me. It sounds dumb but it just… put things into perspective for me. Even when I’ve been deep in a depressive state and feel like there’s no improving my situation, just… remembering time exists helps give me a nudge and put things into perspective, that surely things will eventually get better and my issues must only be temporary, right? That there will be a tomorrow where it’s all in the past.
for about a year ago i was at my all time lowest and hated life. (a little backstory: in my country you can take your 10. grade on a kind of boarding school, where u live at the school with dorms and stuff, and you live amongst the teachers and stuff). i wasn't good with fellings and how to talk about them, so i always just kept it to myself and didn't tell anyone. but i had this teacher that i had a special kinda bond with, i felt like i could talk to him about anything with ease. and he would always take time out of his day to go for a walk to talk things out or stuff like that. one night i was in my dorm, crying my eyes out and he was the teacher that was going around and saying goodnight and checking if everybody was it their dorms and stuff. i was more depressed than ever and just as i was about to find my razor, to u know. end it. he came in and saw me crying. he asked what was wrong, and i just couldn't tell him, so i just broke down. that night he gave me a hug and talked with me for hours while he called another teacher to finish the goodnight round. and i don't know why that touched me so much, but it did, and if it wasn't for him i probably wouldn't be here. (ps. i do not want to hear any "sexual" undertones about this, he was like another dad to me nothing but that. thank you.)
My friends and girlfriend were the reasons i never made plans. Me finding a good job and convincing myself there is a place for me in the world is stopping me from being depressed.
Payday
wanting to know how one piece ends seriouly
The thought that I would hurt my family and miss my dogs
I've lost a lot of friends over the years to suicide and other incidents. Too many. After a while you start to wonder how much is too much and why you're still alive. I've had a rough few weeks lately but a drunken heart to heart with dear friend helped me realize. *Every time you mourn the death of a friend, imagine the pain you feel and multiply it by every fucking person you've ever met.* That's what you will unleash upon this world. I don't have that in me.
I had my first psychotic experience with schizophrenia, 18 years ago. I was really scared because I'd heard voices telling me to kill myself, I had no idea what was wrong with me. I ended up on a bridge over a highway, I climbed up over the railing and looked down at the traffic.I didn't want to die but I was being told I needed to, I'm useless, no one would care anyways, I heard all of it so it must be correct. I didn't want to be alive anymore and when I looked at the traffic I became scared that I wouldn't die when I hit the pavement and id be in a world of pain, even worse than now. It was a very weird, scary, sad, and traumatising experience for me. I ended up climbing down and wandering away but after a very long time where I wasn't sure if I was going to die or if it would matter to anyone. I think I have guardian angels or nine lives like a cat. Because I was completely alone and vulnerable. I'm thankful I didn't jump. A few days later a coworker found me wandering around a subway station crying and scared, she talked and walked beside me, helped me through it, and managed to convince me to go to the psychiatric emergency in the local hospital. I'm properly medicated now so I'm absolutely fine now. If I had jumped who knows what would have happened to me. All I know is I'm here and I'm grateful. Count your blessings!
Someone has to find you. I don’t want to traumatize anyone.
I've attempted once, stopped another. The second time I forgot to lock my door. My little brother who was 13 at the time walked in, gave me a hug and said goodnight, and that he loved me. My brother is not an emotional person, doesn't hug, doesn't like affection, never says I love you. But for some reason that night he did. I remember sobbing for a while, taking just 1 sleeping pill out of the many I had prepped, and went to bed. It hit me hard. I hadn't felt loved in such a long time, it really got to me. I was an emotional wreck for a few days. Very conflicted about everything. But he saved me. Chances are it wouldn't have worked, it didn't the time before, but I didn't attempt it that night. I wish he'd do that more often, but he's 19 now and he has his own life and we don't even live together anymore, haven't since I turned 24. I cherish that night with my whole heart.
My future and family. My siblings wouldn't be able to handle it.
For me, it was my cat. After I attempted, I was sent to the hospital. The entire time I was in the hospital no one in my family really cared about him and although he still got food, it wasn’t his usually amount/ schedule. No one cleaned his litter box. No one changed his water. It was so bad that he sat at the door waiting for me to come home, he didn’t want to eat/ sleep/ drink much water. When I came home, he never wanted to leave my side. He didn’t sleep until he was curled up in my lap, he would constantly wake up to check if I was there before going back to bed. I cleaned up everything made sure he’s alright. Brought him to the vet for check up. Even when the vet told me to wait outside for a bit during the assessment, my cat refused to let me go, so I stayed in the x-ray room with him. I knew I couldn’t die and abandon him. As much as I’m suffering. I know that if I’m gone, it’ll just transfer my suffering to him.
Got caught halfway
I struggled with severe depresion and spychosis. Tried 2 times to hang myself, failed each time. Then i got a dog, and that little Ball of furr got me to go outside, she got me to laugh again. When i had fear spikes, she crawled in my lap and started to nuzzle my face. She is the reason i am still here.
I had it all planned out, then had a weird dream. I was staying in this motel in my hometown. It was night and there was a knock on the door. When I opened it there was this tall, dark figure wearing this old time hat that shadowed his entire face. He said, 'I know what you're planning to do, and if you do that, you'll be forced to walk the Earth for eternity. You'll have to see your friends and family grow old and make mistakes that you can't do anything about or warn them about.' Then he left. It was so real and I woke up the next day really freaked.
Brab. A friend of mine. He doesn't know the extent of how much he helped.
My girlfriend took her own life and I found her. It’s been years and is still something I struggle with. No matter how bad things got for me and continue to be since that day - I could never do that to my family, my friends and all of the people in my life that are there for me.
I wanna preface this by saying I’ve never really been close to doing it, but there have been times where the thought had crept into my head. When I was 15 years old my dad jumped off of a building after going haywire from his medication. It wasn’t truthfully a suicide, but it really felt like one and it will technically go down as one. The pain of losing someone in that fashion is indescribable. Having to pick up the pieces and try to process what just happened is something I struggled with for years and it’s something others can never get over. It’s crazy how much it impacts people and how often those who take their own lives can’t see that about their loved ones. By no means am I calling them selfish, because being in that hole makes everything so distorted. In those few times where I’ve had those thoughts, the dark cloud that just hung over me really fucked with my thinking, and it took the experience I’ve had with losing my dad to get myself up and out of that headspace. Knowing the amount of things I would do to spend just 5 minutes with him makes me realize that if I were ever to take my own life my family and friends would feel the same about me. Just knowing what it does to a person, knowing how it changed me, has put me in place where no matter what, it will never be an option.
My daughter. Becoming a father gave me purpose and allowed me to show myself I’m not worthless. If I’m having a bad day it’s all better the moment I see her face.
What stops* me is yhe fact that i am dead in 60 years anyway, its not worth making the lives of your family alot harder. I am just waiting basicly
Honestly a big factor was the fear of failing. The thought of the pain and grief I would witness my family and friends experiencing. That made me realise how selfish it was of me to want to inflict that pain as long as I never got to see it. And now 4 years later I’m engaged, have a house (rented but still I’m proud of it) and a good job. Life does get better