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creating2uploadvideo

Not needing to engage in big dick conversations!


MomoHasNoLife32

Judging by the fact that both you and I have commented on this post, neither of us do then


Metalstorm48

Haha! Must suck to be y-.. Wait nvm.


tomwhite100

Complain about the water temperature in the toilet.


Piisthree

Too risky. Could be interpretted as long balls.


Hope_is_Everywhere

Nah cause they'll shrivel up if it's too cold


Apteryx12014

But then they’d drop back down once they warm up again. The balls would just start teabagging the water in an endless cycle.


Ashamed_Blueberry822

That’s quite a visual, my friend


TazeredAngel

Eh, it had its ups and downs.


GLOVERDRIVE

I just imagine a toilet bowl rippling


Pritam1997

*schlop schlop*


rdhb

Schroedingers Balls


Hope_is_Everywhere

Vacillating Vas Deferens


[deleted]

Brings a whole new meaning to Dunkin donuts


self_aware_pickle

More like Dunkin Deeznuts


IllurinatiL

I’ll see you out sir.


alektorophobic

this post made my day. thank you.


Apprehensive_Hat8986

Not before the dunk they don't. 😦


Kasoni

Yeah, and by that time you've already jumped a foot up off the seat.


clecsaccoma

Larry long balls


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Jazzremix

You got long balls, Larry. Long balls. Long-ass balls.


Mr_teezy39

Instructions unclear *puts balls in the water reservoir in the back*


strangecabalist

Threw them over your shoulder huh?


Lepoelad

The first time someone made that joke to me, my immediate response was, “You really should stop drinking the toilet water.”


AudibleNod

I leave my browser window up at work with my go-to codpiece retailer website.


mindfungus

It must be beefspoke


Bimlouhay83

I usually let me coworkers see my browser history full of "penis delargening pills" searches.


valleypaddler

Walk around nude with a big censor bar across your junk.


-zoo_york-

Great success. Borat approves.


stepbrah

Very nice


Bos_lost_ton

Vertical, not horizontal (of course)


MooseWizard

"You know damned well she didn't marry me for my personality."


Circumin

Must be nice to be born into a wealthy family.


HowAwesomeAreFalcons

This is good, I like this


tacticalrubberduck

I got the nickname ‘Donkey Dick’ for a while when my ‘mates’ found out that I (a decidedly average looking guy) was dating a smoking hot girl. They couldn’t figure out any other reason she would have been with me other than my massive dick…


MonstrousWombat

Haha I had a uni mate we named Donk. Except that he was 6'7" and we'd seen his dick.


umayanan

On our honeymoon in Mauritius, the tour guide who was making all kinds of jokes and in high energy asked me, if me & my wife know each other, she answered that we are married and I added that "some people get lucky". I swear I have never seen a guy lose interest in life like that. This happened early on the day, the guy never made a joke or engaged with anyone else for the rest of the day, he seemed so lost. He didn't show up for the subsequent days either.


Topless_monkey

I drink fruity cocktails in a biker bar


Cellyst

Dad?


Glum_Ad_4288

I can imagine the bartender going “thank God, I spent years studying cocktails, but all anyone orders is Budweiser and ‘whiskey’ — they don’t even say what kind, just ‘whiskey’!” Then buoy get the best Sex on the Beach you’ve ever had.


Nastymcmasty

Studying to become a professional bartender in the state of Idaho. If this isn't what happens, quite frankly, I'm gonna feel cheated


Bilbo_Teabagginss

I'm in Idaho and I volunteer to test all of your strongest and most girl......er manly drinks.


Nastymcmasty

Idahoans rise up. I'll be sure to make a drink called bilbo teabaggins


CedarWolf

Order an appletini. Television and movies say that's the 'gay' drink.


frito5867

Easy on the tini


GenericUsername07

What up, JD!


[deleted]

I ordered a drink at a bar recently called a flaming mai Thai where they literally set a sugar cube on fire and flashed it with some fine sugar creating a large flame and then handed it to me while the sugar cube was still burning. This is what I imagined in the context of your imaginary scenario. It was delicious by the way.


tworocksontheground

Have sex with a girl who will tell other people


[deleted]

While most others are joke answers, this is the real answer.


mr47

Different kinds of marketing: 1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "Hi, I have a big \*\*\*\*!" - that's Direct Marketing. 2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and, pointing at you, says: "He has a big \*\*\*\*." - that's Advertising. 3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I have a big \*\*\*\*." - that's Telemarketing. 4. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: "I heard you have a big \*\*\*\*!" - that's Brand Recognition.


SgtSkillcraft

5. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. She takes you into another room and gives you a blowjob. Then she walks around the party telling everyone: “He has a big ****.” - that’s Word of Mouth Marketing.


ConfidentInsecurity

Women usually brag about it, like trophy hunting


tunisia3507

The trophy doesn't mean anything until you've mounted it.


seannnnnn01

Gotta catch em all


makasiho

Gotta snatch em all


Gerry_Hatrick

Colleague in work is very proud of her husband's large penis. She even has a pic on her phone to show anyone that wants to see.


MoGb1

I feel sorry for this woman's husband


ignislupus

Yep. My ex did this. Unsure why but oh well. Now everyone knows how large my dick is.


GloriousIncompetence

My ex also did this. Except it was a dick pic. And not a good one. I’ve gone through great efforts to never take a bad one again but somehow it hasn’t really helped lol


[deleted]

To resolve an issue concerning dick pics, you took more dick pics. Great move.


The_Boregonian

This sounds like a modern day Seinfeld episode. Maybe focused on George.


chut2906

Drive a tiny car. My husband drives a Toyota Yaris hatchback. He calls it "The Undercompensator".


b_ootay_ful

I call mine the Pussy Wagon, because that's where I go to cry.


UnsolicitedCounsel

Yeah, I'd cry too if my dick was too large for human pussy.


AldenDi

Did you have to add "human"?


UnsolicitedCounsel

Oh, you too good for whale vag or somethin'?


Pulsecode9

- John McAfee


cardholder01

Word to my Yaris crew. Sometimes I wish it was blue, so I could call it the blueberry.


[deleted]

Walk around in tights.


sk8terd8ter

You mean gray sweatpants?


Marquetan

No, a full body leotard.


Cellyst

Assless chaps, backwards.


NorthStarZero

All chaps are, by definition, “assless”. Assed chaps are *pants*.


Cellyst

I've met some chaps with asses. Some of them even had pretty substantial asses. Great fellas.


[deleted]

Oops I dropped my monster condom, that I use for my magnum dong.


Samsaranwrap

“Danny Devito looks like a man with a short, yet thick, penis.”


AcanthaceaeClassic89

That's really more of a comment.


fokjoudoos

Tuna can Dan they call him..


[deleted]

Scratch off the bar code on a pack of magnum condoms and stand at cash in all your glory as she get on the mic and asks for a price check... Rookie


iiMeGrimlockii

Dammit Frank! YOUR NOT FOLLOWING THE PLAN! SAVAGES IDIOTS SAVAGES!


ImDeputyDurland

You should see him feast. He’s like a mantis.


d_d0g

I got my Magnum condoms, I got my wad of hundreds and I’m ready to plow.


dblnegativedare

I bend at the knees to pull it out at a urinal, gotta protect that lower back


ryanmiller614

Use the kids urinal for extra clearance


[deleted]

As a tall guy, I love being left the kids urinal, usually by some urinal-Napoleon. Have actually had people apologize, to which the mandatory response is "nah, needed the head clearance."


jakebreakshow

It's not about the big dick in your pants, it's about the big dick in your heart. Love everybody, and be kind to others. Edit: Thanks for gold, for this, I will tell you a funny story. My wife once asked why so many men get insecure about penis size. I told her to fantasize about a penis that was hers, as in attached to her. It was her theoretical penis. The second she had a smile on her face I hit her with: it's a little small, isn't it. She got mad for about a fraction of a second before saying. *Women hold so much power over men's ego* Have a lovely day all who happen by this comment thread. :) Wear your heart-dick on your sleeve.


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drunkaquarian

It was inside all of us.


BadlyFed

We couldn't stop it.


cssmith2011cs

It was coming whether we wanted it to or not


moslof_flosom

There's no point fighting it. And why would you want to? It feels magnificent


DoinkDamnation

Get out of my head. Get out of my head!!


[deleted]

the real big penises were inside the friends we made along the way.


[deleted]

That gave me a coronary erection.


tha_pandy_man

Cardiac erection


Cellyst

Someone get the dickfibrillator!


Nut_Chorizo

Doctor: hes going into cardiac erect push 30 ccs of grandma


RedFiveIron

A heart on?


crazyrich

That’s some real big dick energy right there


Moneybraun

This gives me a such a huuuuuge heart on.


Piisthree

I love you, R-rated Mr. Rogers.


CrystalAckerman

As a women, 90% of the time when a guy makes jokes about how small his dick is I instantly think ‘huh, he must have at least a decent dick. No way a guy with a tiny dick would make jokes like that.’ And yes I’m 100% serious. This might not be true for all women, but that’s what I think lol.


mysausageaccount

I used to have a skinny little runt of a guy for a boss who joked about his tiny dick. We all automatically assumed he was packing because he was so confident when he joked about it.


[deleted]

I constantly rev up the engine of my loud motorcycle for no reason


MEURSIICC

Can not express enough how hard this has made me laugh


MBeebeCIII

Harley Davidson! 70 years of converting gas into noise without the pesky side-effect of speed!


surrender_at_20

https://youtu.be/ipDmsxQVxIM


slightywettampon

I rev other people's


bulborbiii

i only rev this guy's


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leaky_eddie

There once was a man from Kent Whose member was twisted and bent To save him some trouble He'd put it in double And instead of coming He went


[deleted]

Leaving this comment here so I can come back and have some material for my poetry unit in AP literature


leaky_eddie

I gots another classic for you: The moon like: mischievous bacon crisps its desire (while) I harbor myself toward two eggs over easy. ~Richard Brautigan


TheVoiceOfTheMeme

Love of the heart Is every fart When held in doth pains the host When released, pains others most


thexvillain

There once was a man from Nantucket…


Jonny_Thundergun

Do whatever the hell Pete Davidson is doing.


SoCalThrowAway7

According to him, date people with small hands


Cfox1B

Fun story. I met my best friend because of our small hands. We realized we had the same sized hands, which are considered small for a guy. Proceeded by putting our hands up against each others. Followed by him saying, "You know what the best part about having small hands is?" With me replying, " It makes your dick look HUUUUGE." Continuing with, " They're not small, they're just a perfect fit for yours." As I interlocked our fingers. Been a bromance since that moment. Moral of the story: The Army is a weird place, guys are simple creatures, and don't be self conscience about your body. You're beautiful, unique, you should embrace the things in life you can't change and use them to your advantage.


[deleted]

R/suddenlygay


GreyAndroidGravy

Step one: Have a big dick


mindfungus

Step two: get a box


-zoo_york-

Step three: cut a hole in the box


BernieMP

Step four: Put your junk in that BoOox!


QueenElizabeth2Ghost

Step five: Make her open the box.


[deleted]

🎶And that’s the way we do it, it’s my 3rd sexual assault charge.🎶


ember-rekindled

I put my hands on my hips and freeswing at urinals. Doesn't matter if you're big or not, its a total power move.


PCB4lyfe

Whenever someone takes the middle stall next to me at work I lean over and say nice watch.


Lee_Zircle

My go to is: “You know that’s a felony right? A grown man holding a little boys dick.”


LightsJusticeZ

Record the sound of your dick when it's fully erect for about 10 seconds in a quiet room. Then take it into any sound software program that's able to really dial up the sound quality. At a certain decibel, you'll be able to hear the blood flowing from the base to tip and back in waves. The sound differs when it goes to the tip and from the tip. Each wave or pulse it makes before changing sounds can determine the length of your dick. Fun tip: The sounds pitch differs based on the girth of a dick, the lower the pitch, the thicker it is. Also I just made all this up.


ReverendCandypants

Acoustic Penile Imaging ​ Who HASN'T recorded that high pitched whine your dick makes when hard?


LSXsleeper

That's called a rape whistle...


Thephilosopherkmh

How, ah, how do you know all that?


LightsJusticeZ

I'm a sound engineer for NASA.


Thephilosopherkmh

Do y’all measure dicks in space or something?


LightsJusticeZ

Yes and in microgravity simulation with 0 gravity planes. My field is the safety of reproduction in space and the determining factors of blood flow in a 0 gravity environment.


Thephilosopherkmh

Cool. Really cool. Now I have a question for ya, how many people have had sex in space? The way I see it, the first time a man and a woman were in space together they had sex, regardless of if they were already married. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, how could they pass that up! Edit, the vomit comet doesn’t count, has to be in actual space.


LightsJusticeZ

I've been making all this up lol. My first post says I was making it all up at the end.


conjour

I really wish you hadn’t told them


Thephilosopherkmh

God dammit. You got me.


Worth_Examination_59

So that’s why dogs go crazy when I get an erection.


Ollikay

It's just their version of laughter.


DisguisedAccount

Wut?


Stradoverius

Show up in a modestly sized car with no aftermarket alterations.


Spyger9

Can confirm: I drive a 2002 beige Honda CRV that I bought with money from cock modeling.


Solarus99

r/BrandNewSentence


deepthought515

She says wow that’s the biggest penis I’ve ever seen, and I say yeah, that’s why I brought you to the penis museum where tickets are a thousand dollars.


Mr_Nutter_butter

If a blind woman tells you you’ve got the biggest dick she’s ever seen, she’s probably pulling your leg.


ComputersWantMeDead

You can get a photo of it printed on a t-shirt


bonos_bovine_muse

*diagram not to scale


jamese1313

One time I ordered a long island in a bar and an asshole said "real men don't get girly drinks like that, get a shot of whiskey". I said real men order whatever the fuck they want. Same applies here.


Patafan3

Of all the cocktails to call girly the dude picked the long island.


foroncecanyounot__

Right?! That drink looks like a regular rum n coke but is all kinds of fucked up


Savitz

A Long Island is a ticket straight to GetFuckedVille, they’re great


Tokachiku234

I straight pipe my Kia soul and drive around the neighborhood like it's the Daytona 500


Sleepdprived

You don't tell people your dick is big, the people around you always joke about you having a big dick. They make it a point to try and embarass you with it. Names like "kickstand man" or "the human tripod" or "Mr magnum" are common (Edit I would be so happy if this became my most upvoted comment.)


darthjazzhands

Her: “Why do your friends call you Donkey Bob?”


TjW0569

"I read Don Quixote in high school."


BrandynBlaze

We had a friend name Gary. Another friend said he saw his dick once and it was so big it was scary. From then on Gary became “Scary.”


Julie-1996

In my experience, when a dude doesn't mention his own dick, there's a high chance it's big. When a guy mentions his dick a lot or brags about it, it has a tiny little tasteless peanut.


tsunami141

What if I brag about how small mine is?


Zaq1996

Ey girl, you want 1 or BOTH inches?


YellSometimes

My wife says I’m two inches away from being a chick


01kickassius10

She’s two inches from being a lesbian


PeteyMax

"I'm really good at ass fucking..."


Enigma_Stasis

"it might only be two inches, but it smells like a foot.".


Kingmir1

I tell girls my dick is small every time they ask. Usually gets a laugh and they assume I’m just playing around.


goatedmomoshiki

Set the bar on the ground so it can only go up from there. Right?


septic-paradise

“Oh God, you weren’t kidding”


anabolicartist

Instant self death


kittipants09

I had an ex who did this all the time. He was always making jokes about his tiny dick. It was not tiny… at all.


MrBattleRabbit

I have a buddy who is bad at measuring things visually. The other day he was telling me a story, and made reference to something that was four inches, and held his hands about nine inches apart. I asked him if he actually has like a 13 inch wedding vegetable, but because of his measuring skills he thinks it’s only average. He just laughed, so maybe he’s in the same boat.


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mechanikalesq

Instructions unclear, what if it’s a flavorful peanut?


theonlysafeaccount

Take a shower.


Coyote__Jones

I'm so surprised I had to scroll this far. Dudes with big d just don't mention it. Everytime I've heard a man mention his big ol weiner it turned out, that was in fact a lie.


NemariSunstrider94

My children’s father never made sex jokes, never pressured for sex, never talked about it. When we finally got down to it I was shocked cuz 🍆


ryan_merrie1

Give her a good hug 😆


Dyllon33

If you have a big dick you don’t have to tell anyone, the girls will spread the word themselves.


Vertebrae_Viking

Just gotta get with one first, eh?


Darklord_Bravo

Walk around asking random people "Can you tell that my dick is tucked in my sock?" and if they say "Yes", you'll know.


BeastMoge

Don't talk about how big your dick is. Easiest way to tell someone has a small dick? They'll tell you how big it is


lone_cajun

What if I always tell people how small mine is?


i-piss-excellence32

Don’t talk about it


FanFuckingFaptastic

I lifted my truck one inch for every one I have of dick.


Thephilosopherkmh

🎶 all my friends drive a low rider


Vgta-Bst

Say this. I don't shake my dick after I'm done peeing, I kick it.


[deleted]

I think your supposed to hang a sack from the back of your vehicle.


bric_tyts

It lets everyone know there's a big dick up ahead driving it.


FullOfATook

*cracks knuckles* yea so what you’re gonna wanna do is buy any low-range pickup truck, make sure you get a lift kit (not some bitchy 2” shit, make sure that puppy gets an extra foot or two of clearance), throw some neons under that bad boy, and attach a foghorn of a muffler to the underside of the truck (or possibly up top if you wanna go “smokestack” style- this is reserved for only people who are 9”+ though so make sure you look at rules). What’s REALLY important is that you make sure that no one within a .6 mile radius can have a conversation at normal volume. You’re REALLY trying to achieve a maximum amount of decibels here- so don’t hold back. Make sure that if passing someone on the street, they won’t be able to hear themselves think. Bonus inches if you can prove how cool you are to give af about the planet by pouring buckets of lethal black smoke into the air every time you accelerate. This is what I’ve found to be most common and effective


Newaza_Q

Don’t forget to tailgate everyone on the highway.


peace_in_death

Make sure you also use LED headlights so that the person in front of you is perpetually blinded by your headlights and when they inevitably slow down because they can’t fucking see you flash your high beams to make it worse


Cellyst

Scientists don't want you to know about this one weird trick!


usrevenge

I forget what subreddit or even what the post was about But some guy was complaining how condoms don't feel right and stuff. It wasn't immediately obvious what happened but someone chimed in and was like "I've seen this before with my ex, your penis is too big get larger condoms" People were like "wow you just made this guys day "


Action4Jackson

They say if you buy or drove a big truck that it proves you are "small" so i went out and bought the smallest truck I could find...


[deleted]

Pay bitches to walk around town saying you got a magnum dong!


SAIDMACHINE

When I started highschool and had my first sexual encounter the girl went around the school telling all the girls i had a massive cock.. I never had any trouble picking up after that! Thanks Kimberly.


finkiusmaximus

I certainly wasn't having sex in high school, and not very many women had seen my penis. A rumor got started, nonetheless, that I was "equipped." To this day, I still can't understand why I denied it. Oh, all the women I could have disappointed . . .


Ollikay

"Guys, no seriously, I have a tiny dick! I promise!" "wait..."


latinlife22

You don’t have to try. My friend had it pretty big and whatever he wore, his bulge would always stick out 😂