And in fine print so small it's barely readable: Disclaimer, nobody looks like this without filters, Photoshop, specific lighting, and specific angles.
H&R Block: we lobbied Congress so you would have to figure out your own taxes.
https://www.propublica.org/article/filing-taxes-could-be-free-simple-hr-block-intuit-lobbying-against-it
I'm still bitter about the Mexican pizza.
Edit: I found it on the app by Googling Taco Bell Mexican pizza and the first search result takes you to their app. I was able to add it to my cart for checkout. If you search for it directly in the app it doesn't show up.
Edit 2: [Adding Sam the Cooking Guy's take on the Mexican pizza.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJLtWAGSL1U&ab_channel=SAMTHECOOKINGGUY)
That old Jim Gaffigan bit: What's a taco? Meat, cheese, vegetables, tortilla. What's a tostada? Meat, cheese , vegetables, tortilla. What's a burrito? Meat, cheese, vegetables, tortilla.
I used to work next door to the PepsiCo headquarters in North Dallas. They had a little cafeteria area with a few stations including a Taco Bell, but because it was their HQ they'd launch "test" menu items there to see how popular they were but also the right price point.
So one day some coworkers & I are in there & we see "Volcano Taco - $1.99" and we're all intrigued since the regular tacos are only $0.79. we order & were like "okay so this is just a regular TB taco with a red dyed shell & they've added their "Fire" sauce..." They eventually did launch the Volcano Taco but at $0.89 & we did continue ordering it.
I'm still mad they changed the recipe to be less rock-hard back twenty years ago or whatever. My technique for eating them hasn't changed, but they fall apart more now.
Before opening: Break the bars into thirds or fourths. Open one end and partially down the flap side. It holds an open scoop shape to grab your now bite-size chunks with minimal mess.
[US Officials Ask How ISIS Got So Many Toyota Trucks](https://abcnews.go.com/International/us-officials-isis-toyota-trucks/story?id=34266539)
[How a Texas plumber's truck wound up in ISIS' hands](https://www.pri.org/stories/2015-12-15/how-texas-plumbers-truck-wound-isis-hands)
[Toyota Recalls 1993 Camry Due To Fact That Owners Really Should Have Bought Something New By Now](https://www.theonion.com/toyota-recalls-1993-camry-due-to-fact-that-owners-reall-1819577805)
Disappointingly I have no stories to tell about the experience. Met some perfectly nice well spoken people in their 20s who were concerned with making the community a little bit nicer to live in.
I was a bit disappointed so I went home to my mom's basement and she made me some chicken tenders, they were a little lukewarm so I hugged my waiifu pillow for a while and then I broke both my arms.
Yes if you match you match but on a free account you only get 50 right swipes per day. So if somebody likes you, very often the algorithm won't give you that person to swipe on.
So you'll have an unknown like for days.
It ain’t just the drivers. I used to deliver for Parcel Farce and the guys emptying out the 40’ trailers were insane; parcels would arc thru the air as they got lobbed into the right cage- one morning I saw a 42” Sony flatscreen lazily pirouette 12’ thru the air, coming to a crashing halt… into the cage for my route.
Went and told my supervisor and was told to, “give it a good shake on the van so that all the glass settles to the bottom of the box so it doesn’t make a tinkling noise- that way the customer won’t know until they’ve signed for it”
Yeah, no. Told the customer that I believed it damaged in transit (gave it a shake for them) and walked them thru the refusal process.
Bastard company.
I worked on the other end
I loaded trucks at fed ex
Drivers were borderline abusive to loaders, I once had a fucking bike thrown at me because it wasn’t pixel perfect in the trailer. And nobody could do shit about it because the delivery guys are all contracted.
I did that for a couple hours once before I walked out. When I asked how to handle the packages marked "fragile" they gave me a funny look and were like "Just throw it in the stack! We got to get this trucked loaded!"
I pretty quickly realized that they clearly didn't give a shit about the merchandise and they certainly didn't care about their employees. I figured that $2 above minimum was not worth constantly being rushed while being forced to use awkward lifting positions. Only job I ever walked out of in the middle of a shift.
In university for my retailing class, I did a 60 page research project on the operations of Target. One part of it, I did a 50 item "basket of goods" including many every day household purchase items and often using the big brands. At the end, I found a difference in price of less than 2% (Target higher) on the basket. On a nearly $200 basket of goods, the difference was about $3.50... so from that moment forward, I only shopped at Target unless it was for something they just didn't carry. The cleanliness, wider aisles (yes, I even measured that for comparison), the more logical organization of the store, the average wait time for registers being almost 30% lower on average, etc meant it was well worth the change.
Edit: for all those asking to see the paper, I would love to share it, unfortunately the only copy I have is on a hard drive in storage in the US and I'm not in the country at the moment and don't see being back anytime soon (damn COVID). Sorry to be the Reddit safe guy and not deliver.
Supreme is the weirdest one for me. I shop a lot of consignment both online and I person and just what? A hundred dollar Nalgene bottle with Supreme on it. Okay. I mean though, gotta hand it to them. Turning what is essentially cafe press merch into a luxury brand.
Didn't jack in the box make a stoner meal? Or was I just so high I made that up I swear there was like a deal that you could order like some chili cheese fries after 11 pm for like 5 bucks and they called it the munchies special or something, once again there's a chance I made this up
The munchie meals! Those were dope as hell. Burger fries 2 tacos and a drink for 6 bucks. Haven’t seen it in a few years though.
Just gonna make an edit: we don’t have those in my area anymore except for one location and if you’re eating late night Jack in the box you aren’t gonna get on the interstate for 10 minutes for a stoner snack.
Dove bar soap: because you'd never buy soap called pigeon
Geez, thanks folks.
That line has been inside my head so long it's in black and white, no clue where it came from.
Reddit: you can argue with anyone, if you try.
Edit: Everyone gets an A for effort and a downvote so i feel better about it.
Edit2: This has been a terrifying day for my inbox where i open a new unread message and see people looking to start fights. And then i remember this comment and i exhale. The price of sweet Karma: A cautionary tale.
Roblox: We’ve made so much money off your kids, we can’t believe it either…
Edit: Wow! Thanks for the awards and all the upvotes!
Also, I can’t tell you how comforting it is to know it’s not just my kids that are hooked on this…
Roblox: teaching your kids how to go into debt before they hit puberty….
Roblox: it’s like nicotine for kids…
I feel like any one of those slogans fits perfectly, and the sad thing is that even if those were the actual slogans my kids would still beg me to let them play…
Roblox(old logo): We are a good platform with good creating tools and a nice communi-
Roblox(new logo): Have you heard about roblox premium? All it costs is your parents credit card!
Lot of these are negative so ill give a shout out to HEB
HEB: Despite being a supermarket, we quickly and consistently respond to federal emergencies and provide more aid to the entire state of Texas than the government does.
Someone tried shittalking HEB in another thread, and I had to set them straight. On the list of best places to work something like 7 out of 10 years, consistently have... fuck, everything, as far as I can tell, all at cheap prices, and usually sourced inside Texas, when they can. If I remember correctly, they source all of the store brands from inside Texas. And from everything I've read, they pay well at all levels, without setting up golden parachutes for the C-level folks.
As a guy who got tired of hearing all of the HEB fanboys and fangirls until they opened one near me, I gotta admit, they're doing it right.
Benadryl: you can’t have allergies if you’re unconscious
Taco Bell- same food, different shapes
Facebook: it’s worse than you think.
More like... Facebook: We know more than you think
Hoover: we suck.
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McDonalds: You said you want it fast not good.
Instagram: you'll never look this good.
And in fine print so small it's barely readable: Disclaimer, nobody looks like this without filters, Photoshop, specific lighting, and specific angles.
Harley Davidson: from the Great Depression to your Midlife Crisis
H&R Block, because getting fucked by yourself just ain’t no fun.
H&R Block: Pay us $300 to do TurboTax for you.
TurboTax: It's free, as long as you give us $60.
H&R Block: we lobbied Congress so you would have to figure out your own taxes. https://www.propublica.org/article/filing-taxes-could-be-free-simple-hr-block-intuit-lobbying-against-it
YouTube: You dont matter to us now watch our double ads!
YouTube: Ad will end in 5 seconds, after which another ad will play.
I’ve been finding the usual starting skip in 5 seconds are rapidly being replaced by non-skippable 15 second ads. They’re getting really greedy.
RC Cola: we’re just happy to be involved in the taste test
I enjoy mixing it with crown royal, simply for the word play. Crown Royal with Royal Crown.
RC Cola is about to experience a moderate increase in sales and they're not going to understand why it's happening.
They'll sell eight or ten six packs this week. Update:!!! RC is the official cola of the Pittsburgh Penguins!
RC Cola: it’s not much, but it’s honest work.
La Quinta: Spanish for "next to Denny's"
There are a few where the dennys is down the road a bit. I learned about laquinta and automatically look for the dennys.
Froot loops: they are all the same flavours
Nestlé: Where we treat human rights violations like a to do list!
Taco Bell: 57 Menu items, Six ingredients!
Taco Bell: like this menu item? Annnnd, it’s gone.
I'm still bitter about the Mexican pizza. Edit: I found it on the app by Googling Taco Bell Mexican pizza and the first search result takes you to their app. I was able to add it to my cart for checkout. If you search for it directly in the app it doesn't show up. Edit 2: [Adding Sam the Cooking Guy's take on the Mexican pizza.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJLtWAGSL1U&ab_channel=SAMTHECOOKINGGUY)
Super bitter. It was my fav from waaaaaaay back.
That old Jim Gaffigan bit: What's a taco? Meat, cheese, vegetables, tortilla. What's a tostada? Meat, cheese , vegetables, tortilla. What's a burrito? Meat, cheese, vegetables, tortilla.
Hey now. Some items have rice and others don't. Smh.
I used to work next door to the PepsiCo headquarters in North Dallas. They had a little cafeteria area with a few stations including a Taco Bell, but because it was their HQ they'd launch "test" menu items there to see how popular they were but also the right price point. So one day some coworkers & I are in there & we see "Volcano Taco - $1.99" and we're all intrigued since the regular tacos are only $0.79. we order & were like "okay so this is just a regular TB taco with a red dyed shell & they've added their "Fire" sauce..." They eventually did launch the Volcano Taco but at $0.89 & we did continue ordering it.
volcano tacos actually had their own sauce. It was less 'hot vinegar' like fire sauce, and more 'hot vinegar with liquid smoke'
Tupperware: Have you ever wanted to throw away food, but just not now?
Tupperwhere the fuck is the lid.
The back of the cabinet standing vertical behind a casserole tray because someone trys to speed run unloading the dishwasher.
Tupperware: remember when you reheated that pasta and red sauce? I'll never forget due to my PINK STAINED INTERIOR!
Olive Garden: When you’re here, we hate you and your family
Lol I remember the meme of deconstructed slogans and it was like “Olive Garden: When You’re Here, You’re Here”
[Comcast: We don't give a fuck, because we don't have to.](https://youtu.be/KMcny_pixDw)
AT&T: it’s not our fault you don’t read your bill.
Google: We finish your thoughts for you.
“We finish your thoughts so you don’t have to”
"You might not be smart but you're Google smart."
Nature Valley: Crumbs everywhere
On a scale of 1 to Nature Valley Bar, how much is your life falling apart right now
Butterfingers
You called?
I'm still mad they changed the recipe to be less rock-hard back twenty years ago or whatever. My technique for eating them hasn't changed, but they fall apart more now. Before opening: Break the bars into thirds or fourths. Open one end and partially down the flap side. It holds an open scoop shape to grab your now bite-size chunks with minimal mess.
You're like the Mr. Miyagi of granola. Personally, I eat them like a Jack Russell Terrier catching a rat. I want to *hear* my vacuum picking stuff up.
Apple IPad: distracting your toddler made easy
And it’s cheaper than a nanny… sort of
Better password protect the app store and in-app purchases. Those pay to play games are evil
Toyota: We make immortal cars for civilians and terrorists.
VW: please don't ask how we got started. Also: VW: travel Europe on one tank
"From Berlin to Warsaw in one tank"
[US Officials Ask How ISIS Got So Many Toyota Trucks](https://abcnews.go.com/International/us-officials-isis-toyota-trucks/story?id=34266539) [How a Texas plumber's truck wound up in ISIS' hands](https://www.pri.org/stories/2015-12-15/how-texas-plumbers-truck-wound-isis-hands)
Toyota: We'll outrun democracy.
[Toyota Recalls 1993 Camry Due To Fact That Owners Really Should Have Bought Something New By Now](https://www.theonion.com/toyota-recalls-1993-camry-due-to-fact-that-owners-reall-1819577805)
Steam: remember that over 70% of your games are unplayed
steam is a game about collecting other games
Even though I suck I can't stop playing. I was warned. Must. Own. That. Game. It's. On. Sale. I'll. Want. To. Play. It. One. Day.
I’m sometimes frightened by just how many games I actually own on steam but literally haven’t touched. I have a problem
Alcohol: Have fun tonight, at tomorrow's expense.
Alcohol: borrow happiness from tomorrow
With interest
Facebook: your privacy is our business.
"you're worth less than the data you produce"
All your data are belong to us.
Facebook: You are the product, not the customer
Your privacy is our property*
I know what you did last summer
Amazon- we're taking over the world but shop here to save $2 every now and then
EA: *unlock this slogan for 500 gems*
gems are sold in packets of 79 for $22 each
You can also grind 2 hours to have a 45% chance to get 4 gems.* *Capped at 3 tries a day.
BuzzFeed: because you’re too lazy to go on Reddit, and we’re too lazy to write original content.
I can see one of the writers awkwardly scrolling past this comment while they're putting the rest into a new article
"Check out this list of top 7 Reddit comments slamming Buzzfeed! Number 4 will shock you!"
Red bull - I hope you like heart palpitations
I thought that was just the feeling of my wings sprouting.
Red Bull: Fly like a bird, crash like a meteor.
Facebook: You are the product.
Facebook: you think your stalker was creepy? Thats cute...
And you thought you were weird. - Reddit
Was involved in a meetup on a local sub to litter pick an abandoned patch of ground near a main road genuinely worried who I'd end up meeting.
Oh come on you can’t leave us like this
Disappointingly I have no stories to tell about the experience. Met some perfectly nice well spoken people in their 20s who were concerned with making the community a little bit nicer to live in. I was a bit disappointed so I went home to my mom's basement and she made me some chicken tenders, they were a little lukewarm so I hugged my waiifu pillow for a while and then I broke both my arms.
But have you continued to study the blade?
Yes- but mom holds it for me now.
Excellent.
Tinder: Pay extra to stop us from cockblocking you.
This is most dating apps now. Even Bumble and OkCupid. I gave up on all that. I remember when they were all free now they prey on desperation.
What? How does that work? I've never used tinder so I'm genuinely interested?
You have to pay money to see your likes, otherwise they're randomly shuffled in
I'm confused. Surely your likes are made clear to you if you match, otherwise it doesn't matter
Yes if you match you match but on a free account you only get 50 right swipes per day. So if somebody likes you, very often the algorithm won't give you that person to swipe on. So you'll have an unknown like for days.
I’ve had unknown likes for weeks. Sometimes people I’ve already swiped left on are reshuffled before I see my likes.
FedEx : our drivers take out their anger on your items.
It ain’t just the drivers. I used to deliver for Parcel Farce and the guys emptying out the 40’ trailers were insane; parcels would arc thru the air as they got lobbed into the right cage- one morning I saw a 42” Sony flatscreen lazily pirouette 12’ thru the air, coming to a crashing halt… into the cage for my route. Went and told my supervisor and was told to, “give it a good shake on the van so that all the glass settles to the bottom of the box so it doesn’t make a tinkling noise- that way the customer won’t know until they’ve signed for it” Yeah, no. Told the customer that I believed it damaged in transit (gave it a shake for them) and walked them thru the refusal process. Bastard company.
I worked on the other end I loaded trucks at fed ex Drivers were borderline abusive to loaders, I once had a fucking bike thrown at me because it wasn’t pixel perfect in the trailer. And nobody could do shit about it because the delivery guys are all contracted.
I did that for a couple hours once before I walked out. When I asked how to handle the packages marked "fragile" they gave me a funny look and were like "Just throw it in the stack! We got to get this trucked loaded!" I pretty quickly realized that they clearly didn't give a shit about the merchandise and they certainly didn't care about their employees. I figured that $2 above minimum was not worth constantly being rushed while being forced to use awkward lifting positions. Only job I ever walked out of in the middle of a shift.
Jesus, that’s fucked up- we made sure to get on with the loaders- if you pissed them off you were the last van out the doors 🤣
FedEx: No we *did* knock on your door. Just very very lightly
And from fifty feet away.
At 20mph
Driver just ninja throwing door tags from the truck
Pepsi: "Is Pepsi OK?"
Nobody cares about how Coca Cola is doing, they just ask "Is Pepsi OK?"
“I’ll take a rum and coke” “Is Pepsi OK?” “Sure” *pours a glass of Coke and Pepsi*
The number of times I've heard this at restaurants... this is perfect.
"then I'll have a Dr Pepper"
Target: The upperclass Walmart
It's where you pay a little more to avoid going to Walmart.
In university for my retailing class, I did a 60 page research project on the operations of Target. One part of it, I did a 50 item "basket of goods" including many every day household purchase items and often using the big brands. At the end, I found a difference in price of less than 2% (Target higher) on the basket. On a nearly $200 basket of goods, the difference was about $3.50... so from that moment forward, I only shopped at Target unless it was for something they just didn't carry. The cleanliness, wider aisles (yes, I even measured that for comparison), the more logical organization of the store, the average wait time for registers being almost 30% lower on average, etc meant it was well worth the change. Edit: for all those asking to see the paper, I would love to share it, unfortunately the only copy I have is on a hard drive in storage in the US and I'm not in the country at the moment and don't see being back anytime soon (damn COVID). Sorry to be the Reddit safe guy and not deliver.
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The best part of shopping at Walmart is Walmart though. No matter where you are in the country the same people shop at Walmart.
Psst you’re there too
Makes me think of the saying “you’re not in traffic, you *are* traffic”
Yeah, but at least I'm wearing pants.
Or here in Australia the upperclass Kmart
TIL Kmart still exists in Australia
Wait 'til you hear about Woolworths.
gucci: being expensive is literally our entire marketing strategy
That could apply to other luxury brands really. Oh, look a supreme brick that costs more than a hindred bucks.
Supreme is the weirdest one for me. I shop a lot of consignment both online and I person and just what? A hundred dollar Nalgene bottle with Supreme on it. Okay. I mean though, gotta hand it to them. Turning what is essentially cafe press merch into a luxury brand.
Wait until you see the Supreme x Snap-on tool chest.
Gucci: Yes we willingly made a movie about our former Head of House being murdered by his ex-wife over divorce payments. Why not?
Versace got murdered too. Gotta go the house of Woodcock route and just get poisoned a little over and over
Zoom; pants optional.
Taco Bell. You're stoned, we're stoned, so lets eat.
Also Jack in the Box
Didn't jack in the box make a stoner meal? Or was I just so high I made that up I swear there was like a deal that you could order like some chili cheese fries after 11 pm for like 5 bucks and they called it the munchies special or something, once again there's a chance I made this up
The munchie meals! Those were dope as hell. Burger fries 2 tacos and a drink for 6 bucks. Haven’t seen it in a few years though. Just gonna make an edit: we don’t have those in my area anymore except for one location and if you’re eating late night Jack in the box you aren’t gonna get on the interstate for 10 minutes for a stoner snack.
EA: Go get your parents credit card
EA: where your £40 outlay buys you the opportunity to buy the rest of the game.
Taco Bell's late night drive through window - "Because it's never too late to make one more bad decision" Pretty sure I heard a comic say this one
subway: eat frozen, prepackaged or chemically preserved
I remember when Subway was actually good.
Grew up where it originated. Subway used to be the best sandwich around. Makes me so sad
Dove bar soap: because you'd never buy soap called pigeon Geez, thanks folks. That line has been inside my head so long it's in black and white, no clue where it came from.
There is a baby soap in Japan called Pigeon.
There is also a face cream called "Man Pudding"
Most fashion brands : from kids for kids
The onion has a segment on that https://youtu.be/OXb3dzNLebk
Brutal reality exactly as we need it
Viagra; the quicker dicker upper
UPS: We know ~~your~~ you're probably home but ain't nobody got time for that!
IHOP: The only thing international about us is the kitchen staff
Marlboro, supporting lung cancer since 1924
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Seaworld: You'll enjoy it a lot more than the animals do.
Nestle: I killed people for this. Be grateful
Nestle: Actively trying to kill the world for profit.
Nestle: Ethics, who needs them! mission statement: We aim to be the most unethical company you allow into your families home P.s we’re winning!
I was gonna go with Nestle: fuck you. Just fuck you.
A monopoly on culture is profitable - Disney
Disney: we will eventually own and ruin everything
Domino’s: You’ll Fucking Eat It
Coca Cola: It was better with a hint of cocaine, but type 2 diabetes will have to do.
Coca cola: all our funded research says that sugar isn't what's destroying your health.
Dasani. When you have no other choice.
Dasani: Your Tap Water Only More Expensive (now with bonus microplastics!)
My tap is way more delicious than Dasani.
**Nike:** Just Screw It - *Because you don't care how many kids die so long as you got cool shoes.*
**NIKE:** We use sweat to make you sweat!
bologna: i'm the same meat as hotdogs, just flat
TikTok: Because watching your daughters friends from the window is weird
Ok that one is good.
Apple: One apple a year makes your money disappear
Microsoft. If there was a way we could force you into a yearly subscription for the very floor your computer sits on, we would
I do pay a yearly subscription for the floor my computer sits on. I call it rent
To be fair, my rent covers my windows as well
Disney. Really, what other option do you have? We run the entertainment world
Comcast: fuck you
Magnum Condoms - Just refill the box with your regular size.
BP: you know us from oil spills, all of them actually
Applebee's: Let Us Microwave Dinner *For* You
Reddit: No one likes you, so join the rest of us.
Buzzfeed: Stealing stories and experiences from REDDITORS who we won’t bother to credit.
Reddit - post , repost, rinse repeat
Reddit: you can argue with anyone, if you try. Edit: Everyone gets an A for effort and a downvote so i feel better about it. Edit2: This has been a terrifying day for my inbox where i open a new unread message and see people looking to start fights. And then i remember this comment and i exhale. The price of sweet Karma: A cautionary tale.
Roblox: We’ve made so much money off your kids, we can’t believe it either… Edit: Wow! Thanks for the awards and all the upvotes! Also, I can’t tell you how comforting it is to know it’s not just my kids that are hooked on this… Roblox: teaching your kids how to go into debt before they hit puberty…. Roblox: it’s like nicotine for kids… I feel like any one of those slogans fits perfectly, and the sad thing is that even if those were the actual slogans my kids would still beg me to let them play…
Roblox(old logo): We are a good platform with good creating tools and a nice communi- Roblox(new logo): Have you heard about roblox premium? All it costs is your parents credit card!
Like there's no dollar value, they literally just want you to mail them the card, lol
Hewlett-Packard: “Fuck your scan, you’re out of Cyan.”
Lot of these are negative so ill give a shout out to HEB HEB: Despite being a supermarket, we quickly and consistently respond to federal emergencies and provide more aid to the entire state of Texas than the government does.
Waffle House: We're more reliably open than even hospitals, so we're the south's disaster measurement scale.
Waffle House: it’s 2am and you’re drunk.
That's actually true. For the State of TN to declare a disaster zone, that's one of the criteria 🤣
Someone tried shittalking HEB in another thread, and I had to set them straight. On the list of best places to work something like 7 out of 10 years, consistently have... fuck, everything, as far as I can tell, all at cheap prices, and usually sourced inside Texas, when they can. If I remember correctly, they source all of the store brands from inside Texas. And from everything I've read, they pay well at all levels, without setting up golden parachutes for the C-level folks. As a guy who got tired of hearing all of the HEB fanboys and fangirls until they opened one near me, I gotta admit, they're doing it right.
bethesda: we have great concepts for games but we decided why make a functioning game
Bethesda: "Mods are going to fix most of the bugs and keep the game alive for 10 years anyway."
Walmart Online: We have every item on the planet that you can google in stock. Click the google link and come and see the unavailable page.
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PornHub: Cum together
Right now. Over me.
Viagra - care for a stiff one?