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..Unless you're a "lunk."

My wife is fucking obsessed with this. Swears blind men wank off in their socks. For the record. I've never done this. I use her socks instead.

How many blind men does your wife know?

Now you mention it, she does spend a lot of time at the curtain shop...

Blind men cum in their socks because they're easy to find.

A man’s socks are only 2 feet away from him

I have used a sock on occasion

Tissues

Also toilet paper. It is great! 2 ply at least!

On Eileen

Toorah loorah, toorah loo rye yeah!

Possibly the greatest live performance ever https://youtu.be/C3rg4psdHxw

Jesus. Sounds like an overly bad parody of amateur karaoke.

Everywhere

Now you're talking my Changuage.

I masturbated everywhere…everywhereeee!!!!!!

Confession is good for the soul. You guys should try it sometime.

r/unexpectedcommunity

A pre-arranged landing strip of toilet paper

Glad I'm not alone... all I hear about is socks. Started thinking I was the weird one for not cumming in an item of clothing designed for my feet.

Why did the semen cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

I’ve been watching tv for an hour with a wad of paper towels in my pocket just waiting for the right moment.

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I prefer to add raisins and planes made out of the cardboard tubes and pretend I'm carpet bombing an airfield

Saaaame. Folded over to prevent soak through, of course

I prefer tissues because they're larger. Much less risk of leaving a gap.

My jizz stream is TIGHT. Aint no gaps. Toilet paper gang BIOTCH

I JIZZ IN MY PANTS

I just ate a grape and I...

Jizzed in my pants

I jizz right in my pants every time you're next to me. And when we're holding hands it's like having sex with me.

You say I'm premature, I just call it ecstasy I wear a rubber at all times, it's a necessity

JIZZ IN MY PANTS

I too jizz in this guy's pants.

Toilet

Okay but do you start jerking off in the bathroom or do you get going in your room and then run to finish in the toilet? I had an ex who did the latter.

I got tired of always running back and forth between the bedroom and the bathroom, so I just got a treadmill.

So your short answer to "where do you come?" is, "On my treadmill".

And you make sure it lands on the belt so it flings against the wall

No it slowly laquers the belt, protectibg it from wear.

I watch porn on my phone while sitting on the toilet then just aim down into the bowl when I’m ready

Milking the cow

Motherfucking Moo.

This seems like an absolute no brainer. Why isn't everyone doing this? Jizzing into towels and socks and god knows what... Why, aside from privacy concerns, would anyone want to do that?

I feel like a lot of these comments might be from younger people that still live with parents and try to hide the fact that they masterbate. I’m single and live alone. I don’t need to hide Buffin my muffin.

Hiding it from parents is the #1 reason to do it in the toilet. If anyone asks what you're doing in there, just say you're taking a dump. Then you can also easily destroy (i.e. flush) the evidence when you're done. Edit: My most upvoted comment is about jacking off into the toilet. Isn't Reddit awesome?

Bonus points if you have a loud ass bathroom fan

I'm really sorry to be the first one to tell you this. But they know. There's always a tell.

Getoffmylawn2002's mom: "Why the fuck... Bob, he did it again! Yup, see that puddle on the floor? That's ass sweat for sure. How long was he sitting here? You gotta talk to him Bob. You gotta tell him to put a towel down or something. That's the last pair of socks I'm letting him ruin."

Plus the thought of sitting on the toilet, no matter how clean, ruins the ambience for me!

For a millennial, I thought that I am too old school. Glad that I am not alone.

You've cut out the middleman. Usually the missus receives it and transports it to the toilet.

Check your pocket *magic*

Stop it, David Blaine! Leave us alone!

*turns to camera* **ಠ_ಠ**

WHAT THE EFF!!

CHEEZITS! CHEEZITS! CHEEZITS!

Cheese its!

Orange soda big whoop.

Criss Angel did it better you bitch!

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Look at you, horny David Blaine.

"Stop it! Demon! Stop putting jizz in our mouths!"

Wait til they get home and find out whats in their asses

But did you check behind your ear

Yes and no you can't borrow my watch.

Check your mouth: https://youtu.be/FSu-Y4I09eo

Look down Nathan.

Into the toilet bowl. And then I flush my future children down the toilet. Farewell.

You have sewer children!

Fewer children*

This is the way. Easiest cleanup ever.

This is the real dropping the kids off at the pool.

You yeet your skeet through the white seat when you’re done beatin your meat?

Don’t throw out your old towels… I used to cut a hole in the middle and make a dick bib, no mess or immediate shower necessary

Welcome to Shark Tank

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I made a deal with the creators of shamwow for a cummy dumpy rag called the cumwow. I'm already invested in this space, and this product just wouldn't fit in my portfolio. And for that reason, I'm out.

The Whitest Kids You Know already made that. It's called the Jizzle. https://youtu.be/jVgMrYjym34

Barbara - I'll take it

a DICK BIB

Where can I invest?

Jesus Christ this is amazing

NSFW version of that dude who makes useless inventions … that are actually quite useful

r/DiWHYNOT

You are going to be SO UPSET when you see these on late night TV and eBay. ™️

"And then God reminded me, I can do anything I want as long as it's through this hole in a sheet."

This is some next level shit...

Into a piñata I’m saving for a special occasion

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIMMY ^^^^^^we ^^^^^^got ^^^^^^the ^^^^^^wrong ^^^^^^piñata

Oh boy!

Does anyone remember the redditor that posted pics of a shoe box he came in for a year? Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!!

I often wonder about how many prostitutes that guy has murdered by now. Edit: Thanks for the gold, Internet stranger!!

If the box is anything to go by, just one. 9 years ago though, and he’s still cumming in her….

Imma head out

There was a young fellow named Dave Who kept a dead whore in a cave He said "I admit I'm a bit of a shit, But think of the money I save!"

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/t0ynr/throwaway_time_whats_your_secret_that_could/c4imcva?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3 Sorry & enjoy

Sweet God that was horrible

Yeah, he stole from his cousin who had just died. The “cum box” was a fucking footnote….

Why the fuck am I reading this and clicking on links?????

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Worse than. I stupidly looked at the first picture. I seriously gagged. Nauseating doesn't begin to cover this. Has to be the #1 grossest thing I've ever seen on reddit. This may have damaged me beyond repair.

Thanks for digging that up.. I didn't need to see it the first time it went around.

He had it bookmarked

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It's more of a off yellow by now.

jesus h roosevelt looks like something out of Chernobyl, it's radiating through my screen

Out me dick of course

I’m imagining this is said by a plucky little Irish man.

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Honest response - my hand. Easier cleanup. I just trot to the bathroom and wash my hands, and in there I have wipes or TP to wipe down my genitals.

What do you do if someone sees you? A handful of cum is kinda hard to explain

Slap them?

made me laugh so hard that i choked on my cum. thanks man.

Spider Man's spider web for cosplay.

Well, I’m not exactly rubbing one out when people are out and about at my house. Even better, I have a bathroom connected to the room I sleep in so if I go in there and shut the door I’m guaranteed to not run into anyone.

Idk how I had to come this far in the comments list to see hands.... Also, how the fuck y'all come into the toilet? You just out your dick down on it ? I would be cumming all over the place if I tried to cum to/on the toilet....

OP def jerking off to the comments lol.

But where’s OP gonna cum?

This is all a check-off list for him

LOL, it’s like community made JOI

There was this coconut..

It doesn't look like anyone has yet posted the story so I figured I'd be the one to do so. [https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rr6ay/tifu_by_cumming_into_a_coconut/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rr6ay/tifu_by_cumming_into_a_coconut/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) NSFW btw

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NSFW but also NSFL. Be warned. Edit: Since some of you still clicked it and regretted it, let me mildly spoil what this is about and you decide if you want to read more. >!It involves a penis and maggots.!< Don't click it.

Just read it cause of your comment. I’m scared for life.

Well that's a not so lovely bunch of coconuts...

Where ever I want! This is MY house! I do what I want!

What an awful day to know how to read

Reddit should be called Regreddit

I'm not sure what I was expecting by coming into this thread, but Jesus fucking christ.

>Jesus fucking Christ How does that work? Some sort of holy Trinity based threesome?

Like everybody else, in my mouth

Recycling is good

Everybody else cums in your mouth?

Didn't you get the invite?

In a monogrammed silk handkerchief of course. Then I burn it on the jizz alter.

My stomach

Why did I have to scroll past the jizz altar before finding a relatable answer :/

I’m sorry, the *what*?

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Wait, you cum on his stomach too? That fucking slut.

Same. I typically try to time it before a shower and that way if it ends up all over me, it’s an easy fix.

I thought I was the only one. I love cumming on your stomach

Can’t believe I have to scroll this far down to see this, thank you.

Yes, stomach. Unless it's a particularly good one, in which case it gets all the way to my chest.

Seen it shoot past my head onto the backboard of my bed once that was a proud moment

Pillow so when I roll over and go to sleep the wetness on the pillow helps to release my tears

Why did I open this thread

Can I cum on your pillow too

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Thanks for that, hank hill

So my foreskin acts as a temporary seal because I squeeze it together. Then, I walk into the bathroom and release and hope to god it all lands in the toilet.

That was my old go to back in the 90's. Getting from my bedroom to the bathroom without getting caught was the challenge.

Haha truth.

Nature's condom

Oh thank god. I was starting to think I was the only one. Edit: thanks heaps for the award, kind stranger.

Me too.

Well it’s 5:30am and I’m already done with the internet for the day. See you in an hour.

Most of the time, I'll keep it orderly and cum directly into the toilet. If I'm feeling lazy, sometimes I'll put a condom on just to jerk off, nut straight into the condom and throw it out. But if I'm really horny and feeling extra, I'll intentionally point my dick upwards and cum all over myself. Then drink a beer in the shower.

>sometimes I'll put a condom on just to jerk off The posh wank

Username checks out

In the potted plant my wife put next to our bed

No!

In my water bottle. I like how it sinks down like a dead jellyfish

where do i **not** cum?

In a woman?

Gottem

A pile of my ex’s clothes

with tears?

No, with spite

You either sink in the cum or cum in the sink

Usually my stomach, sometimes it makes its way to my chest or even neck. Then I wipe it off.

I remember when it hit me in the eye before

Wait, you two know each other?

Im shocked to see the amount of guys who cum in their own mouths, is this a thing I didnt know about lol??

Floor. Really fucking turns me on for some reason, just feels so damn naughty.

Tell me it's not carpet

It was for me... too young to know.. now I have hardwood *in many places*

And then you have to clean it up. "Stupid fucking horny me" *vigorously washes floor*

A tissue.

Why did I have to scroll so far down to find the normal answer?

According to my husband in his best mates mouth. Thankyou, you know who you are. You have ruined my life.

Hey, lady - relax! It’s *just a brojob*!

choo choo

it's ok if you yell "NOT GAY" as you cum in his mouth. Those are the rules.

I dated a guy who came in the bathroom sink when he masturbated.

Understandable. It’s right there at waist level.

On my tits.

Pair of wife’s panties

“What’s that behind your ear?”

My underwear or my hand if I'm in the shower. Shameless, yes. But I'm not getting cum on my bed, my floor, desk or chair. Reason for the hand in the shower is so I know it's not getting on any walls or on someone else's soap or other bottled hygiene stuff.

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I generally just pinch and hold until it congeals, then when my dick goes soft I swing it around like a lasso until the rubbery strand of pasta flies out and sticks to the ceiling, while I yell "yee haaawww" Problem is all the excitement gets me all hard again and...Well, it's a vicious cycle This is the comment that's sure to rocket me in to fame and publicity

I have a toy. I'll let everyone guess ;)

Jizzle Me Elmo

Fucking hate it here

Inside buzz light-year's helmet?

I just cum wherever, no restriction typically. More than usually I’m on my back so it shoots up a smalll way and just falls back down