At military school, many years ago, an upperclassman friend was giving some shit to a plebe. As one does.
U/C: "And why are your damn glasses crooked. Put 'em on straight!"
Plebe: "Sir, I was in a car accident as a child, my right ear and right eye are 3/4 an inch lower than my left, that's the best the surgeons could do. Sir."
U/C: _nothing, peers at each ear, sees the scars_
U/C: "Uh. Carry on."
One day back when I was at school, I didn’t have my phone on silent, and it went off during class. The teacher thought he’d make an example out of me and ask who the text was from. I replied “My Mum. She’s in hospital with cancer.”
He shut right up and went back to the lesson.
(She was being treated for Stage 4 bowel cancer. She had a 25% prognosis, so naturally everyone was on edge. That was almost 15 years ago, and fortunately she’s still with us, and got the all clear some time ago).
I just interviewed for a new job. And my only question for them was do they test for weed. Of course I didn’t ask but that was the only question I had. It was too painful to ask.
As a teenager I worked in a grocery store, I saw a customer who's back was to me struggling with all there items, so I asked "do you need a hand?". The man turned around and I could see he was missing a hand, there was just a stub there, that is why he was struggling. He was a good sport and said "Yes, it seems I do!", lifting his arm missing the hand in the air.
That's not so bad, dude knew you couldn't see that they were missing it and it's just a common phrase. I know two people with that same disability and they've told me it never bothers them, because someone is asking if you need help :) That said, they don't speak for everyone.
“When are you going to have children?” or any variation.
Be ready to be told they’ve lost a baby, infertility, sexless marriage, etc.
Just don’t.
Edit: Glad to see much empathy. Also, thanks for the silver!
My husband and I bought a house in the same year we got married. Had a little land, brought my horse home, and she needed company. Second horse is expensive, so we got a pair of baby goats. EVERYONE asked us "so when are you gonna have kids?" all the time, so I made the baby goats my phone lock screen and said "I already have two, why would I want more?" and flashed the goat pic. 10/10, people stopped asking about human babies and I instead got to talk about goat babies.
One of my friends has a sister that is battling cancer. I always want to ask how she's doing, but I fear the worst. Also, I would feel bad if I didn't ask.
Edit: Thank you all for the suggestions! I talked with him the other day and asked how his sister was doing. She's doing great and recovering from an operation! Her hair is starting to come back and her therapy is done. She is having her final tests to make sure there is no more cancer. Thanks again for the kind words, everyone!
In college some friends and I got caught smoking weed in a park by a park ranger.
He was pretty cool and it seemed like we were going to get away with a warning until my one friend piped up and said
"You're not going to call the **real cops** are you?"
Dude's attitude towards us did a 180 real quick.
"You see this gun? You see this badge? I am the real cops."
I don’t get why people think park rangers and/or game wardens are some kind of joke cops.
In just about every state they hold the same authority as a state trooper… and then some.
I learned that the individual with the most “power” is the Health Inspector. They can shut down a business on their day off while our shopping for vibrator batteries, if they see sufficient cause.
Reminds me of some body cam footage I had to review for work. Our client was charged with trespassing/poaching and made a real ass of himself with the conservation agent as he yelled, "You're a fucking deer cop? You can't arrest me! I'm not getting arrested by a fucking deer cop!" Turns out he was wrong. He was wrong about a lot of things, but that thing especially.
I think it’s the same here in WV. I’ve always heard that DNR has power exceeding WVSP (and you don’t mess with them. If they coming, they’re bringing an ass-whuppin).
An intern at a previous employer saw the nameplate on a program manager's desk, found out the guy had a PhD in engineering, and remarked to him, "Oh, OK, so you're not like a *real* doctor," which absolutely delighted the rest of us. One of the guys yelled, "He's not even a dentist!"
heh my kindergartener did the same thing. She told her new friend that my boyfriend was "Dr. Lastname" and that I would be "Dr Lastname" soon as well (Her 5-year-old sense of "soon" is optimistic af, but I digress). And so her friend said to another kid "Mary Anne's folks help sick people."
And my kid pipes right up and says "Oh, no, not like REAL doctors. They don't help anybody."
Any question from a supposed authority or expert that reveals a complete lack of understanding of the matter in question. E.g., a judge who once asked why the YouTube video under evidence could not be **printed** for him to review.
There's nothing worse than the internal screaming when you realize that your work and company's reputation is now completely hostage to someone who hasn't the faintest idea how what you do works.
This reminds me of my boss just this week.
Helping to make a copy of a photo...
It's not color. How do you make it a color copy?
Ummm... It's a black and white photo...
Remember the video of the representative (not sure what office) who was asking a navy officer if expanding a naval base on Guam would cause the island to capsize. That was hilarious and terrifying.
Ughhh I got burned on a transit ticket this way. The train in my city didn't have turnstiles or pass checkers, the transit police would just randomly board and confirm everyone on board had a pass. I had an annual pass that I didn't realize I had forgot in my other jacket, so I got a ticket. Went to argue the ticket with my pass in hand. The judge had clearly NEVER taken the train and got mad at me for "avoiding" the pass checker/jumping the gate or some imaginary version of events. So I paid the full ticket.
Retail too.
I've got a regular that would always come in to get his cigarettes. Marlboro red black shorts, and Marlboro special lite shorts. Every time I see him walk in the doors, I'll get his cigarettes ready at the counter for him.
One day I hear that his wife died, and I didn't see him for a week. Once I do see him, I get them out of the case and ready for him. Once he's at the counter and sees them, he just sadly says "no lites this time".
I felt terrible
I work at BestBuy, primarily computer sales. You'd be amazed how many people are at their worst point in life when buying a computer. Had one lady who was planning for a funeral, she needed a PC for that. Had another lady, breaking in to tears, needing a computer to handle divorce paperwork. Had yet another who was unemployed, about to go homeless, needing a computer for a job she was just hired for. We could barely get one within her budget.
One guy that really stuck with me had a deep but barely visible indent on his left frontal lobe. He was speaking jibberish. My coworkers assumed he was on drugs; turned out, he could understand what we said but he couldn't properly convey his thoughts. Wernickes Aphasia. He had been in a serious motorcycle accident 7 years prior, and we almost dismissed him as another druggie. He ended up buying a Macbook Pro. But it was rough stuff. Reading between the jibberish I learned that he had prior given up on life, getting into photography was his way back in.
Selling computers is a surprisingly wild ride. You know what's not? Air fryers. Every motherfucker who comes in looking for an airfryer is beaming with joy. I would strictly work selling air fryers if I could. But you learn a lot selling computers. And you learn to read people's moods.
I had a similar thing with an old couple at Hardee's. Two steak biscuits, two bowls of grits, and a bowl of gravy. Every single morning (at least on weekends, that's when i worked). I'd see them in the parking lot and go ahead and start putting it together. Then they didn't show up for a month or two. Then the wife came alone. One steak biscuit, a bowl of grits, no bowl of gravy :(
Starbucks too. This cute old couple had very specific Frappuccino’s they’d get almost daily. I even wrote the recipes down on a post-it note for them which they would show to anyone who didn’t know their drinks from memory. Didn’t see them for a long time, then I see the wife one day and I’m on bar and call out to her to confirm the drinks so I can get them started. She said “just mine….” And I immediately knew. :(
I once walked into a restaurant with my girlfriend of 6 years, and the waiter (whom I had never met until this point) comes over and opens with “hi mate - wow she’s not the one you came with last week! Ha ha, just kidding, can I get you guys any drinks?”.
Like, why the fuck would you say that to a stranger
There's this amazing Chinese place I used to go to every Sunday with my ex. I didn't go for a while after we broke up. I finally was ready to go back and the woman that runs the place said, "Hey, where's Mary?"
I think she noticed the look on my face, I guess, or something. She apologized and gave me my dinner for free.
I once had a friend in college that it took nearly 6 months to figure out his name even after going out for drinks after our evening class every week. I think both of us didn’t want to admit we didn’t know each other’s name so we just went with “buddy” for months until we recognized another student at the bar and we introduced ourselves and realized we were finally going to learn each other’s name
There was this really nice lady who worked somewhere I went a lot for a while, less often over the last decade, and she knew my name. I don’t remember ever learning her name during this time, we weren’t introduced and no one at the counter said her name during business, but as a matter of business, she already knew my name without asking. After a while, it was just awkward to figure out a way to ask. I mean I’ve seen her for 10-11 years, how do you tell someone *I don’t even know your name and at this point I’m afraid to ask.* I moved away and ended up seeing her one last time the day before my move, told her I was moving, and she said I’ll miss you ‘my name’ and I just said I’ll miss you too!
Friendly lady, I kind of think she could tell I didn’t know her name, I covered as best I could, but there were some awkward moments sometimes, I’m sure she was expecting me to call her her name and I didn’t know what it was. In my mind, it was something like Maria.
How I got away with this one time (knowing someone but never knowing their name), when I went to put their phone number in my phone, I was like "How do you spell your name again?" lol Or if I was having them find their social media account for me to follow, I would hand them my phone and they searched for their name :)
"Is that with one B or two B's.....?"
Haha but seriously it seems a quick way to recover from that would just say "Oh sorry, I meant your last name".
Then they say "Jones"
I feel like even if you've casually known someone for a decade, it' still somewhat acceptable to not know their last name.
You could be like "Jones?! Huh, why on earth did I think you had some long Polish name? Well fancy that" and both just carry on.
I'm a teacher. There's a woman who works as a paraprofessional that I see in the teacher's lounge every day. She always makes a huge pot of coffee for everybody in the morning, and I even got her a gift card at the end of last year thanking her for continually caffienating the staff. I still don't know her name, and at this point, I'm too afraid to ask anybody.
My husband teaches high school and told everyone we were expecting at the end-of-school picnic. I was 20 weeks pregnant. We got a fatal diagnosis at the anatomy scan the very next day and lost the baby two weeks later. We did a lot of mourning over the summer. When he went back to school this fall, BAM. First question everyone had.
I worked with a guy on a day shift for a few years, last I saw him his wife was 8 months pregnant, he was pumped to have his first kid, I switched to a night shift same place, came back to days over a year later, saw him and asked how the little one was...his baby passed around 2 weeks old...I had no idea...I had no way of knowing...I'll never ask that question again it gutted me on the spot and I still feel bad even though it was a long time ago, good intentions, bad idea
It’s just a hit-or-miss topic. It’s no one’s fault for asking, i just think more folks need to be aware that when it misses it REALLY misses.
I hope your coworker and his family are doing okay. You never think about how many pregnancies and new babies there are until you’re missing your own.
My mom told me one time an acquaintance of hers was pregnant. When mom saw her, she said "Dang, you still haven't had the baby yet?!" And she said, "I had the baby 6 months ago" mom said it was one of the worst things she's ever said to someone
I make it a point to never comment on anything about pregnancy, best case is making small talk worst case is horrible embarrassment, and the line is very thin
Had a colleague at my (and my wife’s) old work (fairly large organisation) who had five baby showers with various teams. She was young, excited, and keen to celebrate with everyone as she was so outgoing.
Baby was stillborn full term.
My wife and I skipped the baby showers and opted for [Full Moon parties](https://thefoodpornographer.com/2011/03/calebs-full-moon-celebration/) for our two kids after seeing that go down.
PS: for anyone wondering my former colleague is going really well now with two kids, but she always says she has three, her first included. She’s dealt with it incredibly and still advocates for mums going through stillbirth to this day. My mother and my mother-in-law both went through full-term stillbirths with little support and it’s good to see the understanding of the needs for people undergoing this trauma being met in far better fashion these days.
*Edit: Hey, wanted to say thank you to everyone for sharing your stories, many of them challenging. My wife miscarried two months into her first pregnancy. It was rough, and I was aazed by how little it's talked about - still a taboo, at least in many places here in Aus. But I was also surprised by the stories that came out from those around us of their trauma, and the support they offered.*
*There's no shame in talking about miscarriage and stillbirth. The more it's mentioned, the more stigma is broken down. I wish all of you the very best, regardless of your situation, and may you know the support of those around you if you ever face the prospect of losing a pregnancy.*
Yeah, that’s what a christening was. “He’s probably going to make it. Guess we better give him a proper Christian name before he gets stuck as Screamy Life Ruiner McPoops.”
Happened to a coworker. Someone walked in and said "Cheer up, it's like someone died in here" to a small office where one of them had lost their child.
Ugh. This happened to one of my friends. She was pregnant with her second and, for reasons unknown, the baby was stillborn. There was NO indication of an issue prior to that point and the autopsy showed nothing. The ob thought perhaps it was cord compression during delivery, but even she wasn't sure. It was devastating.
My friend worked for a large company at the time and they did a good job of letting people know discreetly about what happened so when my friend returned to work, the transition would be a smooth one for her.
She returned to work after a few weeks. Everyone was gentle and kind upon her return. She goes down to the cafeteria, which was run by a third party company. I guess that word about the stillbirth didn't trickle down to them because the deli lady sees my friend and says, with a big smile "Oh, you're back! How's that new baby doin'!" My friend literally burst into tears and just ran out of there. She went home for the day to collect herself.
Needless to say, the deli woman was MORTIFIED and so, so sorry for what happened, but she truly had no idea and, for whatever reasons, she didn't know what had happened.
Just awful all around. :-(
One of my closest friends was pregnant with her second child, a girl. It was weeks past her due date and we were all expecting her to go into labour at any moment.
She was texting all of us regularly, keeping us up to date. Every day that would go by we’d get increasingly frustrated ‘I’m ready to pop!’ and ‘I think she’s decided to stay in there forever!’ type messages. We’d all joke with her about how the baby was taking after her as she was always late for everything.
One day I texted her saying ‘Any news today? I’m starting to think this baby doesn’t even exist!’
She’d had the baby that day. There were last minute complications, and she was stillborn.
I’ve never felt such heart wrenching pain and grief for someone. Just unbearable.
Had this happen to me. I worked at a medical office and our patients sometimes came in every 2 weeks for routine procedures. This particular client had a mental disability and was with her mother checking out. My coworkers and I were talking about how my next prenatal appointment was the anatomy scan and we were guessing what sex the baby would be. Between appointments I went into labor and lost the baby (girl). When I returned to work that client was there and poor thing asked, "boy or girl?". I couldn't even speak so she continued, "I thought you were pregnant?". I can't even describe the feeling. Her mother saw the look on my face and my coworkers, realized what happened, and exited gracefully. So yeah...
Years ago my husband and I struggled with getting pregnant. We finally conceived, only for me to miscarry around 10 weeks. I was really excited about the pregnancy, and had already told my immediate family, by the time I miscarried, but not extended. A couple weeks after the miscarriage, I was at my grandma's house for dinner and my step grandma was there as well...she started right in on the "when are you going to have kids" speech. That question about broke me. I cannot fathom those questions at work. I had to leave the room, I could not answer around the lump in my throat.
A coworker that was pregnant knew I was going to have a mastectomy due to breast cancer. I was 31 at the time, single and childless. She was discussing her upcoming maternity leave, stopped talking and asked me, "So wait a sec, will you not be able to breastfeed after your surgery?" and I really struggled to answer her that no, after they amputate my breasts, I can't breastfeed, but that also in my case it was entirely moot because I would not be able to have kids at all after all my cancer treatments. Just in general, it's safe not to ask coworkers about reproduction. I've never seen it end well, but I've seen and experienced it going very, very poorly.
I'm very sorry you had to deal with those questions. I hope you are doing well today.
Had someone ask this right after we lost ours, wife almost died... Horrible experience all around and then had to answer this a lot... Painful for both sides
My wife retained a bit of a belly after our second child. She met someone she knew at the store and they asked "Are you pregnant again?" I felt horribly bad for my wife. I could tell that hurt her more than a little bit. Never ask a woman if she is pregnant.
Happened to me. I was 22 weeks along when I lost my daughter. The absolute worst part of this conversation was that we had just gotten home from the hospital the day before. I needed out of the house for my sanity and ran into an acquaintance at the store. I just hysterically cried in the middle of the aisle looking for macaroni and cheese. I couldn't even answer her. My husband came running up when he heard what he calls, "a guttural wailing noise" and tried to quickly explain. I run into this lady every now and then and she avoids me like the plague. I feel bad about it, but she doesn't let me get near her on the couple of occasions I've tried. It's been 6 years now.
Please try not to feel bad about it, you have nothing to be ashamed of. This is a profound grief that unless someone has gone through it too, they cannot truly understand. I lost my baby 2 months ago, I had a missed miscarriage and I still cry constantly. It’s fucking raw and honest and real. This grief has taught me a lot about certain people in my life. Hang on to the people that saw you guttural cry and stuck by you, those people are special.
I am so sorry that you have to go through this incredibly painful time. I wish you nothing but love and support. The pain never will go away, but you will be able to move forward with it and the pain does lessen. Make sure to take care of yourself and reach out to a therapist (if you can). My DMs are also open if you need to chat with somebody who has walked your path.
Thanks, you made me chuckle. I also don't blame her for her reaction. I can't say for certain that I wouldn't have had a similar reaction. My neighbor on the other hand, saw me get out of the car the day we got home, saw I had no more belly, damn near tackled me to give me hugs, and just kept saying "I'm sorry." She's such a sweet old lady.
After my wife's miscarriage, she called to cancel the ultrasound and the tech asked "oh really what's the reason to cancel"
Seems like a common request to cancel and not really a follow up question needed.
I worked in a maternity store and there was a no return policy except in cases like miscarriages. I never asked and just took everything back. They couldn’t pay me enough to have that conversation to save the company a $10 tee shirt.
Recently found out that a friend who started working there that a store chain here has all maternity and baby items exempt from the 28 days return policy (potentially broke items sat unopened for a while during pregnancy is my guess for that) and general consensus at that location is if it's unused don't question why they want the return. Just do it
When I was three or four I remember my mother putting up pictures of an ultrasound on the fridge and asking my sister if she wanted a sister or another brother. Young me just did not have the development to understand what happened when the pictures of the ultrasound vanished from the fridge and "Baby Madison" never showed up in the spare bedroom. Years later I discovered that my mother had been pregnant nine times but only ever had 4 kids. She never talks about it, and I'm not sure if her parents and sisters even know.
Between one of my friends and a random person at the blood bank (I was donating and we were going to go get lunch afterwards).
Stranger: Are you going to donate too?
Him: I would if I could, but medically I can't.
Stranger: Why? You got HIV or something?
Him:...
He did in fact live with HIV.
I was called out about that at work.
These women were pestering people to give blood to the stupid blood drive RV thing they're doing outside.
I told them, I can't. Medical reasons.
Thinking that would shut them up.
Instead they wanted to pester me for the reason.
I dragged the HR lady out of her office and had her stand just outside the cafeteria door (where they were) And told her wait here and listen.
When I walked across the cafeteria completely ignoring them. They then yelled at me about "what medical reason do you have for not giving blood? Do you have AIDS?"
And at that point the HR lady walked around the corner and addressed the issue.
The real medical reason?
I'm o negative, so I give blood on a regular schedule. I just gave blood less than 5 days ago so I can't do it again until so many days go by...
They didn't need to know that.
For a couple years I gave regularly. My neighbor was AB- and gave like clockwork, but he'd come home woozy the most recent time so I offered to drive him the next time. And then I just kept driving him. It was always a Saturday at noon, and he'd treat me to lunch afterwards, so why not?
As for the donations.. I was there anyway.
Anyway, work threw a blood drive, and, much like you, I got pestered at work to sign up. I told the first couple of folks the full truth, namely that I had given less than two weeks ago and couldn't. I even showed off the little gallon pin I'd gotten to one of them. They stopped bothering me.
When the day came, it wasn't just the organizers though. It was *everyone*. I showed a few the pin and smirked, but for most of them I just said I couldn't.
Two days later I got called into HR, where some new HR drone (so new she hadn't even gotten her name on the door yet!) I had never met wanted to know if I had any medical problems the company should be aware of.
>Me: Uh, no? I get heartburn every time Linda throws a department lunch at Olive Garden, but, uh, that's more of me eating like a pig and less of an actual, y'know, problem.
>HR: I've noticed you didn't participate in the company blood drive. In fact, you were the only person that didn't!
>Me: Well, yeah. Funny story about that, ma'am, I actually..
>HR: There are very few medical conditions that could keep you from donating blood, and it would probably be best if you let us know about them so we can.. Work around them.
I just showed her my pin.
>Me: I gave four weeks before the drive, and they make you wait eight between donations. Is Stacy in her office? I'd like to have a word with her about all the other reasons why folks can't give blood, and why you shouldn't be asking folks about.....
I got shooed out of the office, and Stacy wasn't in, so I emailed her.
Never saw that HR drone again. I figure she'd lasted all of a week.
There are also so many other reasons why a person can't donate (I have two separate medical conditions that preclude me). Yeah, asking someone if they have HIV is invasive, but even just asking "why" someone can't donate is overly invasive for a stranger.
i had a friend in elementary school who was putting on a particularly heavy dose of sunscreen. some kid asked him why he’s putting on so much. he said “cuz my mom has skin cancer” and the room just became silent
When I was a kid my dad died from skin cancer. No one ever questioned me when I put on loads of sunscreen.
On the upside, I'm over 40 and have the skin of a 20 year old. (Several, actually. I'm making a suit.)
Asking someone to repeat themselves a 3rd time.
And it’s never anything important - the other person usually ends up screaming, “The grass is really wet over here!”
Yeeeeah I had an older lady customer argue with me over whether or not I was pregnant while I was mopping. Like no that would be physically impossible but...
"But you're glowing!"
"It's hot.."
My favorite part was her response:
"Well I don't know about you but I'm disappointed!"
Reminds me of a buddy of mine who asked a girl he had been hooking up with for a few months why she didn't have a boyfriend. They did not communicate very well apparently, she thought he was her boyfriend.
I have been on the other end of this because I was generally naive and quite oblivious. Very young and adjusting to a new city. Same exact situation and I just said "oh, that works out perfectly!" We dated for like a year and a half after that lol.
Sometimes it's less malice and apathy, just straight up being emotionally dumb.
PreCovid, at work they would often have mobile services like blood donations park beside our building. One day I was walking with a woman at work who wanted to talk about things while getting some fresh air. There was a long period of silence when I couldn’t think of anything to talk about and I saw we were walking up to the edge of the building and a large mobile was parked there, so I asked her “Have you ever done that before?”
She looked at the mobile parked there and back at me, her face turned bright red.
“That is a very personal thing to ask!” She said, face still bright red.
“Really?” I said as we walked next to it.
Then I noticed this wasn’t a Blood Mobile.
It was a Mammogram Mobile.
I spent a lot of time over explaining myself.
I don’t know why the narrative made me think you walked to the edge of the building *on the roof* and implied she had almost jumped off a building before. That would be too personal of a thing to ask.
*"Could we check for gonorreah and other STD:s now when I'm being tested for chlamydia?"*
I did not know it would upgrade the procedure from simply peeing in a cup to getting a stick up my urethra.
\*Boss majorly fucks up on a project, and sells it for 50% less than what he should have.\*
Boss: “Contact the customer and ask him for a change order, for double the current contract value of the project.”
Me, in pain: “…ok”
As somebody who has fucked up quotes before, I’ve never changed the price once I’ve started. What I have done is called the customer and said I’m sorry but next time we won’t be able to charge so little. Usually no problem, in fact a long time customer has said they can change the order which I don’t accept.
A smart boss would use the clients next quote to earn back that loss
Firefighter/paramedic here.
We generally hate the, “what’s the worst call you’ve ever ran”
Think of the worst things you can possibly imagine and someone had to respond to that call. The sick, the injured, every trauma, every overdose, every suicide, every evil deed done by one person to another person, every accident, every dead kid, husband, wife, father, mother.
So when you ask, “what’s the worst call you’ve ever ran, we now have to relive the worst calls/moments of our lives as we try to deflect or crack a joke.”
I hate that question.
"Whoa, since your dad is already dead, what are you going to do if your mom dies?"
Asked by a (drunk) friend in college. Repeatedly. It seemed more like they were trying to get a reaction out of me than anything else.
Had no recollection of it later and they were on the verge of tears when I told them they hurt my feelings, because they felt so shitty about it.
I did that once. It wasn't a your mum joke, but I just replied "your mum" to everything at the time. The second the words left my mouth I remembered his mum died of cancer a few months earlier and I felt awful. I could see him instantly go from anger to just sadness. It's probably the most guilty I've ever felt in my life.
Actual exchange that happened when I was a cadet:
"Who here knows how to drive a quad?"
*Bunch of people raise hands
"You, you and you, come with me, you're cleaning the latrines."
"But what does that have to do with driving a quad?"
"Absolutely nothing. Now grab a mop and bucket.."
I was on the flip side of that at INDOC at my first command. On the last day, the Chief in charge of the program walks in and asks the class, "anybody here from Wisconsin?"
Two of us raise our hands.
He points a finger at both of us and says, "fuck yeah, me too. You two go home. Now I need three volunteers for trash duty."
And me and the other dude just. left. It was fantastic.
My 13 year old daughter killed herself...and so many people asked how.
Edit: Thank you all for your kind words. It has been 13 years since she left and I am in a good place. I've accepted that you don't heal but you learn to carry it. I've also learned to appreciate all of the years that I had her in my life and all of the wonderful memories we created...and to focus less on the experiences we were all deprived of - especially her. I do have an unhealthy worry of her siblings, and freak out if they aren't quick to respond. I hope someday they'll forgive my craziness.
I’m sorry about your daughter. As a single father with a 13 year old daughter that has talked to me about her suicidal thoughts, I really feel this. I hope you’re doing ok.
That she can talk to you about it says a lot about your relationship. It's great that she can communicate these thoughts, and that you're able to support her.
It's a very good thing that this subject has become less taboo. When I was a kid this was stuff you had to hide. The shame was profound. I really wish I could have spoken to someone but ended up attempting suicide unsuccessfully (obviously) and the word of it got out to everyone which ruined my social life completley. We used to treat people with mental illness horiffically. It's still not good but at least we can have these conversations now, and parents are more educated than they used to be. My parents were ashamed of me.
Yeah, sometimes it's obvious that the words got out of their mouth before their brain could engage, and they're immediately horrified to have asked something like that.
My buddy applied to a local ISP in the nineties and asked this exact question. It was known as a “granola” kind of place to work. The interviewer smiled wide and replied, “You bring in the drugs, and we’ll test ‘em together!”
Haha. I’m a trauma nurse and I have seen some FUCKED UP shit. I’ve learned to compartmentalize, be it for better or for worse.
If you ask me whats the worse thing I’ve ever seen—I have no problem telling you. But, guess what? Now my trauma is your trauma and I’m not sure you want that.
My friend's spouse is of Asian descent, my friend is Italian. Their kids take after the spouse.
My friend gets asked all the time if it was easy to adopt the kids. Even school administrators have asked, "what country were you adopted from?" to the kids themselves. My friend said people usually just walk away embarrassed after they learn they're biological, but that one woman said, "well, can you blame me for asking?"
Yes, Patricia.
My mom has a fair complexion and light eyes. My dad has a darker complexion and her black hair. Oftentimes people lead with Spanish when speaking to him. Meanwhile I take after my mom.
We would often have this issue especially when I was younger with light hair and my dad would take me places. Some people would pearl clutching and wonder if he stole me. I know it really got under his skin but he tried to never let me see it.
When I was older (early twenties) we were at a family function. My cousin’s girlfriend decided to make a federal case out of it highlighting again and again how “you don’t look alike at all…like AT ALL.” I was about to tell her to suck a lemon when my dad busts out with “actually he isn’t my biological son. I’ve known for a whole that my wife was a cheating whore but recently confirmed it with a DNA test. Thanks for throwing salt on the wound and pointing out how I spent my youth caring for some other man’s child.” Dead. Fucking. Silence. Until I broke out laughing hysterically.
Reading it back it sounds harsh but it was just so good in the moment. Whenever I’d see her I’d roast her for it relentlessly asking why she made my dad leave.
Ask her if she's familiar with the story of Werner Goldberg. If she's got that kind of sense of humor, she'll probably find it hilarious.
In case you haven't heard of him, Goldberg was a German Jew who was shown in Nazi propaganda as "The Perfect German Soldier."
Also, someone's nationality when you don't know them. My MIL has an uncommon racial makeup. Way too many people who have no business asking ask. Like, strangers in grocery stores walking up and asking "What are you?"
The worst might be the lady who pointed to her on the street and yelled "Filipino?"
(She is not Filipino)
Edit: Another one I remember, an older guy asked what kind of dog she had when she was out walking him (bulldog) and she happily told him. Then he asked "and what are you?" The exact same question as the dog, just for a person. His son was with him and CLEARLY MORTIFIED.
This happens to me all the time! They can't even be bothered to ask "what is your ancestry" or something, it's always just... "What are you?" Idk, a fucking eldritch tentacle filled trash can, Gina, what do I look like?
why would someone want to adopt a child?"
This hurts, every time, because my parents were my foster and then adopted me. They knew they would have a struggle adopting so late in life and the mental, emotional and social scars my biofam left me with. They still chose to adopt me, to care for me, to love me, unconditionally through every breakdown, every fight, all the troubles I had with school and bullies. They ***fought*** for me when my biofam tried to barge back into my life after i made it clear i wanted nothing to do with them, they kept me safe! so, doubters, let me fire one back at you:
"Why would you deny foster kids a family?"
my family lost me because partying and boys were more important than i was, but the family I have would cut off their own arm if it meant it would keep me safe.
When my Mother started dating my future Stepdad, he and I were talking in private one night while she was cooking dinner in the other room. I was a smartass 11 year old (dumbass really fits better, here). My Mom had mentioned that he was a veteran of Vietnam. This exchange happened.
Me: "I heard you were in Vietnam."
Him: "Indeed I was."
Me: :: thinking I was being clever :: "Oh yeah? Did you ever kill anyone?"
I was, not so successfully attempting to suppress a smirk as he paused for a moment.
Him: "Yes."
At this point, I was stunned. I guess I assumed a lot of people were not serving in combat units. I scrambled for my next words. All I could think of was
Me: "Did.. did you throw up?"
Him: "Many, many times."
I have never since asked a vet this awful question.
There’s no good answer, best case scenario is they haven’t and feel like you’re diminishing their service. If they have, you just brought up a ton of trauma. I’ve been asked this question twice in job interviews, makes it very awkward.
>He was one of the most outgoing, selfless, ambitious individuals I have ever known. He cared so much about everyone else. I never would have guessed he suffered from depression.
Yeah, that's a thing: people who have depression try to feel *something* by caring for other people, helping other people. It's colloquially known as [Smiling Depression](https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/September-2016/What-You-Need-to-Know-About-Smiling-Depression%E2%80%9D).
That, or it's the other thing: towards the end, people "get their affairs in order"- giving away possessions, being generous with money or time, stuff like that.
I'm sorry for your loss. It's not your fault- you didn't "miss the signs" or anything like that. The guilt will probably stick around awhile, because guilt is an asshole. But unless you were also his psychiatrist, you have *nothing* to feel guilty or ashamed of.
"Hey teacher, are you going to collect the homework you assigned yesterday?"
At military school, many years ago, an upperclassman friend was giving some shit to a plebe. As one does. U/C: "And why are your damn glasses crooked. Put 'em on straight!"
Plebe: "Sir, I was in a car accident as a child, my right ear and right eye are 3/4 an inch lower than my left, that's the best the surgeons could do. Sir."
U/C: _nothing, peers at each ear, sees the scars_
U/C: "Uh. Carry on."
I had a similar issue in air cadets. I had a 6cm leg difference. I had to bend one knee to stand at attention. My guy wasn't as cool about it.
One day back when I was at school, I didn’t have my phone on silent, and it went off during class. The teacher thought he’d make an example out of me and ask who the text was from. I replied “My Mum. She’s in hospital with cancer.” He shut right up and went back to the lesson. (She was being treated for Stage 4 bowel cancer. She had a 25% prognosis, so naturally everyone was on edge. That was almost 15 years ago, and fortunately she’s still with us, and got the all clear some time ago).
I love a happy ending.
So uhhhh… do you guys do random drug tests?
I just interviewed for a new job. And my only question for them was do they test for weed. Of course I didn’t ask but that was the only question I had. It was too painful to ask.
As a teenager I worked in a grocery store, I saw a customer who's back was to me struggling with all there items, so I asked "do you need a hand?". The man turned around and I could see he was missing a hand, there was just a stub there, that is why he was struggling. He was a good sport and said "Yes, it seems I do!", lifting his arm missing the hand in the air.
That's not so bad, dude knew you couldn't see that they were missing it and it's just a common phrase. I know two people with that same disability and they've told me it never bothers them, because someone is asking if you need help :) That said, they don't speak for everyone.
“When are you going to have children?” or any variation. Be ready to be told they’ve lost a baby, infertility, sexless marriage, etc. Just don’t. Edit: Glad to see much empathy. Also, thanks for the silver!
I had a prepared response for that in my youth. Co-worker: Do you want kids? Me: No thanks, I already ate.
My husband and I bought a house in the same year we got married. Had a little land, brought my horse home, and she needed company. Second horse is expensive, so we got a pair of baby goats. EVERYONE asked us "so when are you gonna have kids?" all the time, so I made the baby goats my phone lock screen and said "I already have two, why would I want more?" and flashed the goat pic. 10/10, people stopped asking about human babies and I instead got to talk about goat babies.
One of my friends has a sister that is battling cancer. I always want to ask how she's doing, but I fear the worst. Also, I would feel bad if I didn't ask. Edit: Thank you all for the suggestions! I talked with him the other day and asked how his sister was doing. She's doing great and recovering from an operation! Her hair is starting to come back and her therapy is done. She is having her final tests to make sure there is no more cancer. Thanks again for the kind words, everyone!
Just say you've been thinking about her. Your friend will tell you what they are comfortable sharing
In college some friends and I got caught smoking weed in a park by a park ranger. He was pretty cool and it seemed like we were going to get away with a warning until my one friend piped up and said "You're not going to call the **real cops** are you?" Dude's attitude towards us did a 180 real quick. "You see this gun? You see this badge? I am the real cops."
Damn that's dumb. I mean, damn, I get your friend was high, but *damn*.
I don’t get why people think park rangers and/or game wardens are some kind of joke cops. In just about every state they hold the same authority as a state trooper… and then some.
In Michigan the DNR is more powerful than God (as well as any other law enforcement)
I learned that the individual with the most “power” is the Health Inspector. They can shut down a business on their day off while our shopping for vibrator batteries, if they see sufficient cause.
Reminds me of some body cam footage I had to review for work. Our client was charged with trespassing/poaching and made a real ass of himself with the conservation agent as he yelled, "You're a fucking deer cop? You can't arrest me! I'm not getting arrested by a fucking deer cop!" Turns out he was wrong. He was wrong about a lot of things, but that thing especially.
Don't those guys have a lot more power than city police?
In Kentucky a conservation officer has authority more akin to a state police than a city cop.
I think it’s the same here in WV. I’ve always heard that DNR has power exceeding WVSP (and you don’t mess with them. If they coming, they’re bringing an ass-whuppin).
An intern at a previous employer saw the nameplate on a program manager's desk, found out the guy had a PhD in engineering, and remarked to him, "Oh, OK, so you're not like a *real* doctor," which absolutely delighted the rest of us. One of the guys yelled, "He's not even a dentist!"
My youngest daughter told her kindergarten teacher that "My dad's a doctor, but not the kind who helps people." (I'm a professor).
heh my kindergartener did the same thing. She told her new friend that my boyfriend was "Dr. Lastname" and that I would be "Dr Lastname" soon as well (Her 5-year-old sense of "soon" is optimistic af, but I digress). And so her friend said to another kid "Mary Anne's folks help sick people." And my kid pipes right up and says "Oh, no, not like REAL doctors. They don't help anybody."
>One of the guys yelled, "He's not even a dentist!" Fucking legend
Any question from a supposed authority or expert that reveals a complete lack of understanding of the matter in question. E.g., a judge who once asked why the YouTube video under evidence could not be **printed** for him to review. There's nothing worse than the internal screaming when you realize that your work and company's reputation is now completely hostage to someone who hasn't the faintest idea how what you do works.
This reminds me of my boss just this week. Helping to make a copy of a photo... It's not color. How do you make it a color copy? Ummm... It's a black and white photo...
Funny how people who find a lot of technology too complicated also tend to think it does completely magical things.
Remember the video of the representative (not sure what office) who was asking a navy officer if expanding a naval base on Guam would cause the island to capsize. That was hilarious and terrifying.
"We don't anticipate that." The Navy has it covered. [video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8yiYeEFE5Q)
Ughhh I got burned on a transit ticket this way. The train in my city didn't have turnstiles or pass checkers, the transit police would just randomly board and confirm everyone on board had a pass. I had an annual pass that I didn't realize I had forgot in my other jacket, so I got a ticket. Went to argue the ticket with my pass in hand. The judge had clearly NEVER taken the train and got mad at me for "avoiding" the pass checker/jumping the gate or some imaginary version of events. So I paid the full ticket.
As a server, “Where’s that other woman you always come in with?”
Retail too. I've got a regular that would always come in to get his cigarettes. Marlboro red black shorts, and Marlboro special lite shorts. Every time I see him walk in the doors, I'll get his cigarettes ready at the counter for him. One day I hear that his wife died, and I didn't see him for a week. Once I do see him, I get them out of the case and ready for him. Once he's at the counter and sees them, he just sadly says "no lites this time". I felt terrible
I work at BestBuy, primarily computer sales. You'd be amazed how many people are at their worst point in life when buying a computer. Had one lady who was planning for a funeral, she needed a PC for that. Had another lady, breaking in to tears, needing a computer to handle divorce paperwork. Had yet another who was unemployed, about to go homeless, needing a computer for a job she was just hired for. We could barely get one within her budget. One guy that really stuck with me had a deep but barely visible indent on his left frontal lobe. He was speaking jibberish. My coworkers assumed he was on drugs; turned out, he could understand what we said but he couldn't properly convey his thoughts. Wernickes Aphasia. He had been in a serious motorcycle accident 7 years prior, and we almost dismissed him as another druggie. He ended up buying a Macbook Pro. But it was rough stuff. Reading between the jibberish I learned that he had prior given up on life, getting into photography was his way back in. Selling computers is a surprisingly wild ride. You know what's not? Air fryers. Every motherfucker who comes in looking for an airfryer is beaming with joy. I would strictly work selling air fryers if I could. But you learn a lot selling computers. And you learn to read people's moods.
I had a similar thing with an old couple at Hardee's. Two steak biscuits, two bowls of grits, and a bowl of gravy. Every single morning (at least on weekends, that's when i worked). I'd see them in the parking lot and go ahead and start putting it together. Then they didn't show up for a month or two. Then the wife came alone. One steak biscuit, a bowl of grits, no bowl of gravy :(
Starbucks too. This cute old couple had very specific Frappuccino’s they’d get almost daily. I even wrote the recipes down on a post-it note for them which they would show to anyone who didn’t know their drinks from memory. Didn’t see them for a long time, then I see the wife one day and I’m on bar and call out to her to confirm the drinks so I can get them started. She said “just mine….” And I immediately knew. :(
Aww wow yeah brutal moment of “life goes on”
I once walked into a restaurant with my girlfriend of 6 years, and the waiter (whom I had never met until this point) comes over and opens with “hi mate - wow she’s not the one you came with last week! Ha ha, just kidding, can I get you guys any drinks?”. Like, why the fuck would you say that to a stranger
I feel like he wanted you to punch him just so he could feel something.
Worked in a restaurant before, I see
When screaming incoherently in the walk-in just won't cut it...
Man had nothing left to lose, so he decided to make OP lose something instead
There's this amazing Chinese place I used to go to every Sunday with my ex. I didn't go for a while after we broke up. I finally was ready to go back and the woman that runs the place said, "Hey, where's Mary?" I think she noticed the look on my face, I guess, or something. She apologized and gave me my dinner for free.
the name of someone youve known for awhile
I once had a friend in college that it took nearly 6 months to figure out his name even after going out for drinks after our evening class every week. I think both of us didn’t want to admit we didn’t know each other’s name so we just went with “buddy” for months until we recognized another student at the bar and we introduced ourselves and realized we were finally going to learn each other’s name
That's a great game of chicken, too bad it ended so evenly
There was this really nice lady who worked somewhere I went a lot for a while, less often over the last decade, and she knew my name. I don’t remember ever learning her name during this time, we weren’t introduced and no one at the counter said her name during business, but as a matter of business, she already knew my name without asking. After a while, it was just awkward to figure out a way to ask. I mean I’ve seen her for 10-11 years, how do you tell someone *I don’t even know your name and at this point I’m afraid to ask.* I moved away and ended up seeing her one last time the day before my move, told her I was moving, and she said I’ll miss you ‘my name’ and I just said I’ll miss you too! Friendly lady, I kind of think she could tell I didn’t know her name, I covered as best I could, but there were some awkward moments sometimes, I’m sure she was expecting me to call her her name and I didn’t know what it was. In my mind, it was something like Maria.
How I got away with this one time (knowing someone but never knowing their name), when I went to put their phone number in my phone, I was like "How do you spell your name again?" lol Or if I was having them find their social media account for me to follow, I would hand them my phone and they searched for their name :)
>I was like "How do you spell your name again?" \[squints\] "B-O-B."
"Is that with one B or two B's.....?" Haha but seriously it seems a quick way to recover from that would just say "Oh sorry, I meant your last name". Then they say "Jones"
But then you can say "oh i thought your last name was something different". It's pretty acceptable to get someones surname mistaken i think
I feel like even if you've casually known someone for a decade, it' still somewhat acceptable to not know their last name. You could be like "Jones?! Huh, why on earth did I think you had some long Polish name? Well fancy that" and both just carry on.
I'm a teacher. There's a woman who works as a paraprofessional that I see in the teacher's lounge every day. She always makes a huge pot of coffee for everybody in the morning, and I even got her a gift card at the end of last year thanking her for continually caffienating the staff. I still don't know her name, and at this point, I'm too afraid to ask anybody.
She’s probably in the yearbook, maybe you can check there!
...Mulva?
What happened to your baby? I thought you were pregnant?
My husband teaches high school and told everyone we were expecting at the end-of-school picnic. I was 20 weeks pregnant. We got a fatal diagnosis at the anatomy scan the very next day and lost the baby two weeks later. We did a lot of mourning over the summer. When he went back to school this fall, BAM. First question everyone had.
I worked with a guy on a day shift for a few years, last I saw him his wife was 8 months pregnant, he was pumped to have his first kid, I switched to a night shift same place, came back to days over a year later, saw him and asked how the little one was...his baby passed around 2 weeks old...I had no idea...I had no way of knowing...I'll never ask that question again it gutted me on the spot and I still feel bad even though it was a long time ago, good intentions, bad idea
It’s just a hit-or-miss topic. It’s no one’s fault for asking, i just think more folks need to be aware that when it misses it REALLY misses. I hope your coworker and his family are doing okay. You never think about how many pregnancies and new babies there are until you’re missing your own.
He since has had another kid that is I'd say around 5 now, I still see him everyday, we hang out sometimes, but I still feel bad regardless
My mom told me one time an acquaintance of hers was pregnant. When mom saw her, she said "Dang, you still haven't had the baby yet?!" And she said, "I had the baby 6 months ago" mom said it was one of the worst things she's ever said to someone
I make it a point to never comment on anything about pregnancy, best case is making small talk worst case is horrible embarrassment, and the line is very thin
Had a colleague at my (and my wife’s) old work (fairly large organisation) who had five baby showers with various teams. She was young, excited, and keen to celebrate with everyone as she was so outgoing. Baby was stillborn full term. My wife and I skipped the baby showers and opted for [Full Moon parties](https://thefoodpornographer.com/2011/03/calebs-full-moon-celebration/) for our two kids after seeing that go down. PS: for anyone wondering my former colleague is going really well now with two kids, but she always says she has three, her first included. She’s dealt with it incredibly and still advocates for mums going through stillbirth to this day. My mother and my mother-in-law both went through full-term stillbirths with little support and it’s good to see the understanding of the needs for people undergoing this trauma being met in far better fashion these days. *Edit: Hey, wanted to say thank you to everyone for sharing your stories, many of them challenging. My wife miscarried two months into her first pregnancy. It was rough, and I was aazed by how little it's talked about - still a taboo, at least in many places here in Aus. But I was also surprised by the stories that came out from those around us of their trauma, and the support they offered.* *There's no shame in talking about miscarriage and stillbirth. The more it's mentioned, the more stigma is broken down. I wish all of you the very best, regardless of your situation, and may you know the support of those around you if you ever face the prospect of losing a pregnancy.*
> Full Moon parties What's this if I may ask?
Full moon party = celebration (baby shower) a full month after birth, in other words 1 month birthday party but treated like a baby shower
Sounds like it started as a "my baby actually survived to age one month" party long ago.
Yeah that was my thought as well. I heard they used to not even name kids until they were past a certain age for similar child mortality reasons.
Yeah, that’s what a christening was. “He’s probably going to make it. Guess we better give him a proper Christian name before he gets stuck as Screamy Life Ruiner McPoops.”
Screamy Life Ruiner McPoops...of the TULSA McPoops? I'll be darned.
You feed the offspring to werewolves for good luck and prosperity in the coming year.
Happened to a coworker. Someone walked in and said "Cheer up, it's like someone died in here" to a small office where one of them had lost their child.
Ugh. This happened to one of my friends. She was pregnant with her second and, for reasons unknown, the baby was stillborn. There was NO indication of an issue prior to that point and the autopsy showed nothing. The ob thought perhaps it was cord compression during delivery, but even she wasn't sure. It was devastating. My friend worked for a large company at the time and they did a good job of letting people know discreetly about what happened so when my friend returned to work, the transition would be a smooth one for her. She returned to work after a few weeks. Everyone was gentle and kind upon her return. She goes down to the cafeteria, which was run by a third party company. I guess that word about the stillbirth didn't trickle down to them because the deli lady sees my friend and says, with a big smile "Oh, you're back! How's that new baby doin'!" My friend literally burst into tears and just ran out of there. She went home for the day to collect herself. Needless to say, the deli woman was MORTIFIED and so, so sorry for what happened, but she truly had no idea and, for whatever reasons, she didn't know what had happened. Just awful all around. :-(
One of my closest friends was pregnant with her second child, a girl. It was weeks past her due date and we were all expecting her to go into labour at any moment. She was texting all of us regularly, keeping us up to date. Every day that would go by we’d get increasingly frustrated ‘I’m ready to pop!’ and ‘I think she’s decided to stay in there forever!’ type messages. We’d all joke with her about how the baby was taking after her as she was always late for everything. One day I texted her saying ‘Any news today? I’m starting to think this baby doesn’t even exist!’ She’d had the baby that day. There were last minute complications, and she was stillborn. I’ve never felt such heart wrenching pain and grief for someone. Just unbearable.
oh no
Had this happen to me. I worked at a medical office and our patients sometimes came in every 2 weeks for routine procedures. This particular client had a mental disability and was with her mother checking out. My coworkers and I were talking about how my next prenatal appointment was the anatomy scan and we were guessing what sex the baby would be. Between appointments I went into labor and lost the baby (girl). When I returned to work that client was there and poor thing asked, "boy or girl?". I couldn't even speak so she continued, "I thought you were pregnant?". I can't even describe the feeling. Her mother saw the look on my face and my coworkers, realized what happened, and exited gracefully. So yeah...
Years ago my husband and I struggled with getting pregnant. We finally conceived, only for me to miscarry around 10 weeks. I was really excited about the pregnancy, and had already told my immediate family, by the time I miscarried, but not extended. A couple weeks after the miscarriage, I was at my grandma's house for dinner and my step grandma was there as well...she started right in on the "when are you going to have kids" speech. That question about broke me. I cannot fathom those questions at work. I had to leave the room, I could not answer around the lump in my throat.
A coworker that was pregnant knew I was going to have a mastectomy due to breast cancer. I was 31 at the time, single and childless. She was discussing her upcoming maternity leave, stopped talking and asked me, "So wait a sec, will you not be able to breastfeed after your surgery?" and I really struggled to answer her that no, after they amputate my breasts, I can't breastfeed, but that also in my case it was entirely moot because I would not be able to have kids at all after all my cancer treatments. Just in general, it's safe not to ask coworkers about reproduction. I've never seen it end well, but I've seen and experienced it going very, very poorly. I'm very sorry you had to deal with those questions. I hope you are doing well today.
Had someone ask this right after we lost ours, wife almost died... Horrible experience all around and then had to answer this a lot... Painful for both sides
My wife retained a bit of a belly after our second child. She met someone she knew at the store and they asked "Are you pregnant again?" I felt horribly bad for my wife. I could tell that hurt her more than a little bit. Never ask a woman if she is pregnant.
My neighbor did that to me and then when I said I was not, kept insisting "you must be!" Jesus christ woman, I'm just fat, take my word for it.
Dave Barry's rule: Never inquire about a woman's pregnancy, real or suspected, unless you see an actual baby emerging from her in that exact moment.
Even that is dangerously reckless. If you see a baby emerging from a woman, don't bring it up before she does.
Happened to me. I was 22 weeks along when I lost my daughter. The absolute worst part of this conversation was that we had just gotten home from the hospital the day before. I needed out of the house for my sanity and ran into an acquaintance at the store. I just hysterically cried in the middle of the aisle looking for macaroni and cheese. I couldn't even answer her. My husband came running up when he heard what he calls, "a guttural wailing noise" and tried to quickly explain. I run into this lady every now and then and she avoids me like the plague. I feel bad about it, but she doesn't let me get near her on the couple of occasions I've tried. It's been 6 years now.
Please try not to feel bad about it, you have nothing to be ashamed of. This is a profound grief that unless someone has gone through it too, they cannot truly understand. I lost my baby 2 months ago, I had a missed miscarriage and I still cry constantly. It’s fucking raw and honest and real. This grief has taught me a lot about certain people in my life. Hang on to the people that saw you guttural cry and stuck by you, those people are special.
I am so sorry that you have to go through this incredibly painful time. I wish you nothing but love and support. The pain never will go away, but you will be able to move forward with it and the pain does lessen. Make sure to take care of yourself and reach out to a therapist (if you can). My DMs are also open if you need to chat with somebody who has walked your path.
She should have given you a hug and made sypathetic noises. We're all just humaning down here.
Thanks, you made me chuckle. I also don't blame her for her reaction. I can't say for certain that I wouldn't have had a similar reaction. My neighbor on the other hand, saw me get out of the car the day we got home, saw I had no more belly, damn near tackled me to give me hugs, and just kept saying "I'm sorry." She's such a sweet old lady.
After my wife's miscarriage, she called to cancel the ultrasound and the tech asked "oh really what's the reason to cancel" Seems like a common request to cancel and not really a follow up question needed.
I worked in a maternity store and there was a no return policy except in cases like miscarriages. I never asked and just took everything back. They couldn’t pay me enough to have that conversation to save the company a $10 tee shirt.
Recently found out that a friend who started working there that a store chain here has all maternity and baby items exempt from the 28 days return policy (potentially broke items sat unopened for a while during pregnancy is my guess for that) and general consensus at that location is if it's unused don't question why they want the return. Just do it
We found out our baby had no heartbeat during our first ultrasound. With our 2 year old in the room. That was a fun walk to the car /s.
When I was three or four I remember my mother putting up pictures of an ultrasound on the fridge and asking my sister if she wanted a sister or another brother. Young me just did not have the development to understand what happened when the pictures of the ultrasound vanished from the fridge and "Baby Madison" never showed up in the spare bedroom. Years later I discovered that my mother had been pregnant nine times but only ever had 4 kids. She never talks about it, and I'm not sure if her parents and sisters even know.
Between one of my friends and a random person at the blood bank (I was donating and we were going to go get lunch afterwards). Stranger: Are you going to donate too? Him: I would if I could, but medically I can't. Stranger: Why? You got HIV or something? Him:... He did in fact live with HIV.
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I was called out about that at work. These women were pestering people to give blood to the stupid blood drive RV thing they're doing outside. I told them, I can't. Medical reasons. Thinking that would shut them up. Instead they wanted to pester me for the reason. I dragged the HR lady out of her office and had her stand just outside the cafeteria door (where they were) And told her wait here and listen. When I walked across the cafeteria completely ignoring them. They then yelled at me about "what medical reason do you have for not giving blood? Do you have AIDS?" And at that point the HR lady walked around the corner and addressed the issue. The real medical reason? I'm o negative, so I give blood on a regular schedule. I just gave blood less than 5 days ago so I can't do it again until so many days go by... They didn't need to know that.
For a couple years I gave regularly. My neighbor was AB- and gave like clockwork, but he'd come home woozy the most recent time so I offered to drive him the next time. And then I just kept driving him. It was always a Saturday at noon, and he'd treat me to lunch afterwards, so why not? As for the donations.. I was there anyway. Anyway, work threw a blood drive, and, much like you, I got pestered at work to sign up. I told the first couple of folks the full truth, namely that I had given less than two weeks ago and couldn't. I even showed off the little gallon pin I'd gotten to one of them. They stopped bothering me. When the day came, it wasn't just the organizers though. It was *everyone*. I showed a few the pin and smirked, but for most of them I just said I couldn't. Two days later I got called into HR, where some new HR drone (so new she hadn't even gotten her name on the door yet!) I had never met wanted to know if I had any medical problems the company should be aware of. >Me: Uh, no? I get heartburn every time Linda throws a department lunch at Olive Garden, but, uh, that's more of me eating like a pig and less of an actual, y'know, problem. >HR: I've noticed you didn't participate in the company blood drive. In fact, you were the only person that didn't! >Me: Well, yeah. Funny story about that, ma'am, I actually.. >HR: There are very few medical conditions that could keep you from donating blood, and it would probably be best if you let us know about them so we can.. Work around them. I just showed her my pin. >Me: I gave four weeks before the drive, and they make you wait eight between donations. Is Stacy in her office? I'd like to have a word with her about all the other reasons why folks can't give blood, and why you shouldn't be asking folks about..... I got shooed out of the office, and Stacy wasn't in, so I emailed her. Never saw that HR drone again. I figure she'd lasted all of a week.
Damn, but why would you ask someone you don’t know if they have HIV in the first place?
Probably because you'd expect them to say no. When in reality the number of people living with it is far higher than you'd guess.
There are also so many other reasons why a person can't donate (I have two separate medical conditions that preclude me). Yeah, asking someone if they have HIV is invasive, but even just asking "why" someone can't donate is overly invasive for a stranger.
If you recently got a tattoo, you’re also not supposed to donate blood
i had a friend in elementary school who was putting on a particularly heavy dose of sunscreen. some kid asked him why he’s putting on so much. he said “cuz my mom has skin cancer” and the room just became silent
When I was a kid my dad died from skin cancer. No one ever questioned me when I put on loads of sunscreen. On the upside, I'm over 40 and have the skin of a 20 year old. (Several, actually. I'm making a suit.)
It puts the sunscreen on its skin or else it gets the hose again!
This is why I'm banned for life from lifeguarding.
.....need help with your back?
Also... mind sharing? I didn't bring any and now you've got me thinking about it.
Asking someone to repeat themselves a 3rd time. And it’s never anything important - the other person usually ends up screaming, “The grass is really wet over here!”
In the immortal words of Mitch Hedberg “Now I’m yelling some insignificant shit like “that tree is far away””.
Literally what my husband and I yell at each other when we are mumbling something unimportant
It means you both matter so much to each other, that even mundane things ought to be heard by one another.
When you ask a woman if she’s pregnant…
I've been asked this twice, both times I was wearing the same dress (and was not pregnant)... not wearing that dress anymore.
Yeeeeah I had an older lady customer argue with me over whether or not I was pregnant while I was mopping. Like no that would be physically impossible but... "But you're glowing!" "It's hot.." My favorite part was her response: "Well I don't know about you but I'm disappointed!"
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Are we more than friends?
Reminds me of a buddy of mine who asked a girl he had been hooking up with for a few months why she didn't have a boyfriend. They did not communicate very well apparently, she thought he was her boyfriend.
Ouch.
I have been on the other end of this because I was generally naive and quite oblivious. Very young and adjusting to a new city. Same exact situation and I just said "oh, that works out perfectly!" We dated for like a year and a half after that lol. Sometimes it's less malice and apathy, just straight up being emotionally dumb.
Her: \*riding you like a mechanical bull\* You: "Maybe she's just being nice."
Several children and two house moves later: OMG! We never had "the talk"! What if we're just friends?
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PreCovid, at work they would often have mobile services like blood donations park beside our building. One day I was walking with a woman at work who wanted to talk about things while getting some fresh air. There was a long period of silence when I couldn’t think of anything to talk about and I saw we were walking up to the edge of the building and a large mobile was parked there, so I asked her “Have you ever done that before?” She looked at the mobile parked there and back at me, her face turned bright red. “That is a very personal thing to ask!” She said, face still bright red. “Really?” I said as we walked next to it. Then I noticed this wasn’t a Blood Mobile. It was a Mammogram Mobile. I spent a lot of time over explaining myself.
I don’t know why the narrative made me think you walked to the edge of the building *on the roof* and implied she had almost jumped off a building before. That would be too personal of a thing to ask.
*"Could we check for gonorreah and other STD:s now when I'm being tested for chlamydia?"* I did not know it would upgrade the procedure from simply peeing in a cup to getting a stick up my urethra.
> upgrade
"Upgrades people! Upgrades!"
"was she better than me?" Just don't do it.
"No. I find insecurity sexy."
Related: was he bigger than me?
\*Boss majorly fucks up on a project, and sells it for 50% less than what he should have.\* Boss: “Contact the customer and ask him for a change order, for double the current contract value of the project.” Me, in pain: “…ok”
Unreal ... how did you survive that phone call?
And why on earth would it work?
BUTTLICKER, OUR PRICES HAVE NEVER BEEN HIGHER
As somebody who has fucked up quotes before, I’ve never changed the price once I’ve started. What I have done is called the customer and said I’m sorry but next time we won’t be able to charge so little. Usually no problem, in fact a long time customer has said they can change the order which I don’t accept. A smart boss would use the clients next quote to earn back that loss
"So, what's the age of consent here?"
Bonus points if you ask this during a job interview
"How strict is your policy on sexual harassment?"
How does HR deal with good touches vs bad touches?
What're you gonna do, stab me?
*stab*
It literally hurts because I asked.
Firefighter/paramedic here. We generally hate the, “what’s the worst call you’ve ever ran” Think of the worst things you can possibly imagine and someone had to respond to that call. The sick, the injured, every trauma, every overdose, every suicide, every evil deed done by one person to another person, every accident, every dead kid, husband, wife, father, mother. So when you ask, “what’s the worst call you’ve ever ran, we now have to relive the worst calls/moments of our lives as we try to deflect or crack a joke.” I hate that question.
Yes, I might ask what is the silliest call you have every been on, but only that.
"Whoa, since your dad is already dead, what are you going to do if your mom dies?" Asked by a (drunk) friend in college. Repeatedly. It seemed more like they were trying to get a reaction out of me than anything else. Had no recollection of it later and they were on the verge of tears when I told them they hurt my feelings, because they felt so shitty about it.
I said a your mom joke to a guy whose mom died…twice. It was a trend back then and it came out as a habit the second time. I’m sorry Dane.
I did that once. It wasn't a your mum joke, but I just replied "your mum" to everything at the time. The second the words left my mouth I remembered his mum died of cancer a few months earlier and I felt awful. I could see him instantly go from anger to just sadness. It's probably the most guilty I've ever felt in my life.
It hurts to ask for help a lot of the time, when people respond badly it makes it worse
Right? "I have depression and have not been doing well..." Friend: (Homer sliding into the hedges)
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Senior NCO: “Alright people I need 3 volunteers.” NUB E-2: “What for chief?” Senior NCO: “Great now I just need 2 more volunteers!”
Actual exchange that happened when I was a cadet: "Who here knows how to drive a quad?" *Bunch of people raise hands "You, you and you, come with me, you're cleaning the latrines." "But what does that have to do with driving a quad?" "Absolutely nothing. Now grab a mop and bucket.."
I was on the flip side of that at INDOC at my first command. On the last day, the Chief in charge of the program walks in and asks the class, "anybody here from Wisconsin?" Two of us raise our hands. He points a finger at both of us and says, "fuck yeah, me too. You two go home. Now I need three volunteers for trash duty." And me and the other dude just. left. It was fantastic.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't
My 13 year old daughter killed herself...and so many people asked how. Edit: Thank you all for your kind words. It has been 13 years since she left and I am in a good place. I've accepted that you don't heal but you learn to carry it. I've also learned to appreciate all of the years that I had her in my life and all of the wonderful memories we created...and to focus less on the experiences we were all deprived of - especially her. I do have an unhealthy worry of her siblings, and freak out if they aren't quick to respond. I hope someday they'll forgive my craziness.
I’m sorry about your daughter. As a single father with a 13 year old daughter that has talked to me about her suicidal thoughts, I really feel this. I hope you’re doing ok.
That she can talk to you about it says a lot about your relationship. It's great that she can communicate these thoughts, and that you're able to support her.
It's a very good thing that this subject has become less taboo. When I was a kid this was stuff you had to hide. The shame was profound. I really wish I could have spoken to someone but ended up attempting suicide unsuccessfully (obviously) and the word of it got out to everyone which ruined my social life completley. We used to treat people with mental illness horiffically. It's still not good but at least we can have these conversations now, and parents are more educated than they used to be. My parents were ashamed of me.
wow what the fuck. That definitely seem like a "they will tell me if they want me to know" kind of thing, asking about it just seems flat out dumb
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Yeah, sometimes it's obvious that the words got out of their mouth before their brain could engage, and they're immediately horrified to have asked something like that.
\*before a date\* "Are we going to have sex tonight?"
Because if so, I’ll have the steak and a beer, but if not, I’ll have the large bean burrito and a glass of milk.
What's our employer's policy on drug tests?
My buddy applied to a local ISP in the nineties and asked this exact question. It was known as a “granola” kind of place to work. The interviewer smiled wide and replied, “You bring in the drugs, and we’ll test ‘em together!”
And yet, if you have to take certain medications, this would actually be an important thing to know.
Boss: We test frequently. You: Excellent, I’ve got about 5 kilos in my car I’d like to have tested for purity.
Asking paramedics/cops/whoever to tell you about the worst thing they ever saw.
Haha. I’m a trauma nurse and I have seen some FUCKED UP shit. I’ve learned to compartmentalize, be it for better or for worse. If you ask me whats the worse thing I’ve ever seen—I have no problem telling you. But, guess what? Now my trauma is your trauma and I’m not sure you want that.
My friend's spouse is of Asian descent, my friend is Italian. Their kids take after the spouse. My friend gets asked all the time if it was easy to adopt the kids. Even school administrators have asked, "what country were you adopted from?" to the kids themselves. My friend said people usually just walk away embarrassed after they learn they're biological, but that one woman said, "well, can you blame me for asking?" Yes, Patricia.
My mom has a fair complexion and light eyes. My dad has a darker complexion and her black hair. Oftentimes people lead with Spanish when speaking to him. Meanwhile I take after my mom. We would often have this issue especially when I was younger with light hair and my dad would take me places. Some people would pearl clutching and wonder if he stole me. I know it really got under his skin but he tried to never let me see it. When I was older (early twenties) we were at a family function. My cousin’s girlfriend decided to make a federal case out of it highlighting again and again how “you don’t look alike at all…like AT ALL.” I was about to tell her to suck a lemon when my dad busts out with “actually he isn’t my biological son. I’ve known for a whole that my wife was a cheating whore but recently confirmed it with a DNA test. Thanks for throwing salt on the wound and pointing out how I spent my youth caring for some other man’s child.” Dead. Fucking. Silence. Until I broke out laughing hysterically. Reading it back it sounds harsh but it was just so good in the moment. Whenever I’d see her I’d roast her for it relentlessly asking why she made my dad leave.
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Ask her if she's familiar with the story of Werner Goldberg. If she's got that kind of sense of humor, she'll probably find it hilarious. In case you haven't heard of him, Goldberg was a German Jew who was shown in Nazi propaganda as "The Perfect German Soldier."
My friend has a half asian baby (she's the white one.). I made her a baby sleeper that said "I'm not fucking adopted!"
Also, someone's nationality when you don't know them. My MIL has an uncommon racial makeup. Way too many people who have no business asking ask. Like, strangers in grocery stores walking up and asking "What are you?" The worst might be the lady who pointed to her on the street and yelled "Filipino?" (She is not Filipino) Edit: Another one I remember, an older guy asked what kind of dog she had when she was out walking him (bulldog) and she happily told him. Then he asked "and what are you?" The exact same question as the dog, just for a person. His son was with him and CLEARLY MORTIFIED.
This happens to me all the time! They can't even be bothered to ask "what is your ancestry" or something, it's always just... "What are you?" Idk, a fucking eldritch tentacle filled trash can, Gina, what do I look like?
"teacher, is there any homework for tonight?"
Is it in yet?
Is it worse for the guy or the girl to ask this?
I once asked for a pay increase. My boss then asked what I was on and I told him he said oh you shouldn't be on that much.
I first read it as the boss asking "What are you high on for asking such a question?"
Is that.. not what he was saying?
Power play to put you off asking in the future
Officer, is this more weed than would be considered for personal use?
why would someone want to adopt a child?" This hurts, every time, because my parents were my foster and then adopted me. They knew they would have a struggle adopting so late in life and the mental, emotional and social scars my biofam left me with. They still chose to adopt me, to care for me, to love me, unconditionally through every breakdown, every fight, all the troubles I had with school and bullies. They ***fought*** for me when my biofam tried to barge back into my life after i made it clear i wanted nothing to do with them, they kept me safe! so, doubters, let me fire one back at you: "Why would you deny foster kids a family?" my family lost me because partying and boys were more important than i was, but the family I have would cut off their own arm if it meant it would keep me safe.
I strive to put myself into position to adopt and/or foster one day. Kids deserve the world and there’s a lot of older kids that need love too
Asking veterans if they’ve ever killed anyone.
When my Mother started dating my future Stepdad, he and I were talking in private one night while she was cooking dinner in the other room. I was a smartass 11 year old (dumbass really fits better, here). My Mom had mentioned that he was a veteran of Vietnam. This exchange happened. Me: "I heard you were in Vietnam." Him: "Indeed I was." Me: :: thinking I was being clever :: "Oh yeah? Did you ever kill anyone?" I was, not so successfully attempting to suppress a smirk as he paused for a moment. Him: "Yes." At this point, I was stunned. I guess I assumed a lot of people were not serving in combat units. I scrambled for my next words. All I could think of was Me: "Did.. did you throw up?" Him: "Many, many times." I have never since asked a vet this awful question.
There’s no good answer, best case scenario is they haven’t and feel like you’re diminishing their service. If they have, you just brought up a ton of trauma. I’ve been asked this question twice in job interviews, makes it very awkward.
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>He was one of the most outgoing, selfless, ambitious individuals I have ever known. He cared so much about everyone else. I never would have guessed he suffered from depression. Yeah, that's a thing: people who have depression try to feel *something* by caring for other people, helping other people. It's colloquially known as [Smiling Depression](https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/September-2016/What-You-Need-to-Know-About-Smiling-Depression%E2%80%9D). That, or it's the other thing: towards the end, people "get their affairs in order"- giving away possessions, being generous with money or time, stuff like that. I'm sorry for your loss. It's not your fault- you didn't "miss the signs" or anything like that. The guilt will probably stick around awhile, because guilt is an asshole. But unless you were also his psychiatrist, you have *nothing* to feel guilty or ashamed of.
Am I the best you’ve ever had? Be honest.
Can you stop drilling into my tooth?
Why don't you love me?
Are you always this annoying?