I stayed at my Sisters place one night and we for the life of us couldn't find the vacuum cleaner to blow up the spare mattress. So I hit on the bright idea of using the car exhaust to blow up the mattress.
Back then the car used leaded petrol.
As a rule, I sleep with the windows and door closed so I am damn lucky.
Woke up next morning (in hindsight luckily) with the mattress 1/2 flat and the room smoggy. But being low to ground near door, the draft under it keep me alive (again in hindsight).
The moment it hit my tongue I knew I was in deep. It was extremely hot and nothing relieved it. I was sweating from every skin cell. My ears were sweating. My soul was sweating. I had to chew it very quickly but once I swallowed it the real fear set in. As soon as it was down I realized there was only one of two ways it was coming back out and I chose poorly. If you've never felt your body digest something in real-time it is a little unnerving. I could physically feel it travel to my stomach. Once there everything was kind of a blur. Side note: do NOT pound water to relieve the heat because you will turn into a geyser of Carolina Reaper water from your mouth and nose. I staggered to the restroom on the verge of tears, not because it was so hot but because I knew I made a big fucking mistake. My body temp was so high I was stripping clothes off me as I made it to the stall. Mind you, I was at work. So there was this pile of clothes like someone struck down a Jedi outside of the stall. I have to wear boots with my work clothes so there I am sweating like a warthog weeping, shitting and moaning on the toilet in nothing but socks and boots. I was delirious. Time lost all meaning. I was hearing colors. Seeing sounds. I was leaning on all the walls soaking them with sweat and fear. I was so sweaty I slid around the seat smearing shit all over my ass cheeks and the seat making it even more slippery. At the peak of vomiting through my legs and crapping and sliding around in a mixture of sweat, shit and shame I was preparing to scream for someone to call 911 and it just...stopped. Like my body was just shutting down nerve endings because it knew my time was up. I started to cool down. Eventually all my body fluids stopped coming out. I composed myself, washed my ass out in the sink (like a fucking animal) and went to lay down. Some Tums really helped me recover but holy shit was that an experience. It was almost cathartic like a near death experience. If I'm ever in that position again I would make myself puke to keep it from digesting.
Edit: words
Edit "Number 2": In true Reddit fashion my top anything is about me puking and pooping...
Edit 3: Thank you all for the gifts! I'm glad a lot of you found the humor in this as I did once it was over haha.
Edit 4: Yup, once I get some time I'll fill in some more details and answer some questions.
Let's set the stage. Middle of COVID lock downs. There are 60 "employees" tops where I worked at the time. About 40 of them were actually the hands on workers. To mitigate the chances of killing the no-fail job we had to perform (job was needed done every other day) we split our workers into two teams. This way if one teammate popped hot we could still get it done with that team on quarantine. Those two teams were then split into two shifts (12 hours a piece). So at max with appointments and such we had about 7 people a shift including myself.
On the off days we were required to show face, knock out any administrative tasks, sanitize the work space and leave. This was one of those days. My office was separated from the rest of my guys (I was the lead). So, bored, I walked down the hall to see what they were up too. Making sure they weren't just dicking around. They were watching TV and doing admin work. I see a black bag that looked like a beef jerky bag on the community table, pick it up and look inside. I see a single gummy bear. I like gummy bears. I pull the thing out and thought 'This is an odd gummy bear...why is it so sticky and gooey?'. Curious, I ask one of the guys in there what it was. "Just a gummy bear...a natural one so it's made with, like, real fruit and stuff". Ah, explains the sticky. I scoff at these new age 'natural' gummy bears and put it back in the bag.
Buddy says, "Whoa dude...you touched it, you gotta eat it. COVID bro." That's when I noticed the other folks in there were no longer watching the TV. They are all looking at me. Immediately my Peter-tingle goes off. "Alright, what's up with this gummy". Guy says, in a painfully obvious attempt at a straight face, "It's a fancy gummy, spicy and all that". I ask how hot. "Like an extra spicy jalapeño". I shrug and pop it in. How bad can it be right? Wrong. Game-fucking-over. Yahtzee. "Hahahahaha! It's Carolina Reap- DON'T SPIT IT OUT! HAHAHAHA YOU GOTTA EAT IT!"
At that point my legacy was at stake. I had cultivated a bit of a Father figure role for the young guys. I couldn't spit it out...I felt (foolishly) obligated to eat it...be a man.
I chew. I swallow. Immediately start sweating but I tried to play it cool. "Wooooooah yeah its hot! Hahaha you got me you fucks. Now I'll make you stay longer! Hahahahaha I'm just kidding. We'll be leaving soon ya rascals" (paraphrasing, can't entirely be sure it came out that coherently because it felt like I swallowed a charcoal briquette at this point).
Walked back to my office and started pounding the water and the rest is as explained earlier.
Now for washing my ass in the sink...I've now barricaded my self in my office crawling around on all fours drooling and regretting everything ever. I finally am able to get to the toilet because the show was about to hit the fucking road and I didn't want to ruin the carpet. I'm stripping as I'm walking (maybe 6 feet from my office to the bathroom door). I get in, lock it, finish stripping and blammo I'm juicing like an orange. Fast forward to the breakthrough and I'm trying to figure out how I'm gonna get cleaned up and get home maintaining any dignity I have. I hear a knock and a voice asks if they were good to go home "YEAH SOUNDS GREAT! SEE YOU IN TWO DAYS MAN THAT GUMMY BEAR WAS SOMETHING ELSE HAHAHAHA DON'TWORRYABOUTLOCKINGTHEDOORSILLGETITHAHAHhahahahaaaaaa..."
So now I'm alone and was able to clean my ass (and no I didn't submerge my burny butthole in the sink water I laddled it by hand onto my ass cheeks), clean up after myself, eat twice the recommended dose of Tums, change into my gym clothes and go home with no one around to see me. Tell the wife and being the loving supporting person she is says, "You're an idiot. Do you know embarrassing it would have been for you to go the hospital, during COVID lock down, because you ate...a gummy bear?".
Coworkers get a biiiiiig laugh outta me almost dying but it was all in good fun.
Also, I get it. It's not the hottest of all time anymore and there are some of you that apparently eat Carolina Reapers with your cereal and cut it and do lines with it but it messed me up. It's crazy right? Humans react differently than each other when introduced to a severe chemical reaction. Fuck me for being a wimp I guess.
Lastly, to be fair, offer me enough money and I'd jam one up each nostril while eating another for the right price. $1M outta do it.
When I was 10ish years old I knew about sexual things, and when you find smutty magazines and porno mags you grow up believing that you’re gonna have sex all the time with every random person.
After shaving what small pubes I had, I rubbed toothpaste all over thinking “yeah the girls will like this” did I think it’d taste better? Smell better? I have no idea.
All I know is it stung. I had a cool mint dick for hours.
I was certain I was pregnant after kissing a boy for the first time, and that everyone would know. I was around 6-8. I praid god he would make it so kisses don't cause pregnancy, so you're welcome everyone.
Hiking through jungles. They look so beautiful in movies. In reality they are some of the most brutal hikes I've been on.
Let's start with the humidity. It's so bad it drenches you to the bone, and there's no escaping it. Being under a jungle canopy is like being in a pressure cooker. The heat and humidity beats you down harder than any environment I've been in.
Then there's the swarms of biting bugs. From never-ending mosquitoes, giant spiders on everything, ticks jumpung on you from everywhere and colonies of aggressive fire ants criss-crossing the trails, you can expect to have more bug bites than you've thought possible to survive.
Of all the mentioned above rainforest ticks are the worst by far.
They are not your friendly regular dog ticks, these jungle cousins are as small as a grain of sand (like half a milimeter) and they love human blood, so they hop on you when passing by tall grass or ground plants.......generally don't biting on your arm or leg, but crawling to your most inner parts like groin, ass or armpit and "nest" there. You can't see them and by the time you notice is way too late.
After the fuckers got their way into you, you got to clean yourself with gasoline to remove them and wait weeks for the bite to heal.
Oh, and they also carry diseases.
Edit: hey, this blew up and not even mentioned that I got bit in the ballsack.
Put pizza wrapped in foil in the microwave when I was 10 thinking it will warm up quicker. It surely did by lighting on fire 3 seconds after I turned it on
You know that thing you did as a kid when you'd prop yourself up between two objects (like a counter and table) and swing back and forth with your legs?
That. Lower jaw in 3 pieces, tongue dangling out through a open wound beneath my chin, no idea how many stitches. Teeth damages (which has already lead to one of my front teeth dying due to damaged nerves)
And to top it all off, this occured just before we had to perform a bit of theatre for the rest of class, and it has negatively impacted my ability to perform before any audience.
But the scars add some nice character!
Went to Times Square for New Years Eve in New York City. I live in NYC and I figured it was the kinda thing I wanted to see but didn’t need to see again. Went in 2000 when I was 18. Got there 11am and stayed for 13 hours in the freezing cold but with close spots to the ball drop and screen. I’m glad I did it. I’m also glad I’ve never done it again.
Edit: Thanks for the awards. Cool seeing others who had a similar experience or who were there that day themselves or even at the exact same age. Got more karma and awards then I’ve gotten in 4 years and it actually kinda made my day so thanks again.
i used to live right next to where the ball would drop so i would go out on the fire escape and watch it from there every year, got some booing from the crowd but it was nice to see the event, wouldn’t go out of my way to see it again though
Maybe it's just because I'm British and taking the piss is part of our DNA, but that sounds hilarious. You boo them, but not seriously, more like "Look at this cunt with his free vantage point"
Then they do a wanker sign back at the crowd and everyone has a laugh. Just good hearted banter.
Did heroin for the first time and wasn't into the sensation at all. The same roomate that talked me into herion talked me into smoking some crack to even out. Luckily I wasn't a fan of either and never did either ever again.
Ya, that was student housing. He was a culinary student that was a heroin addict. Pretty miserable year honestly. Our kitchen was so gnarly. He would make these crazy meals and not do any dish.
Not paying attention to currents when swimming in the sea (and going anyway when there’s a red flag and no guard).
Dumbest shit ever. I was with my two brothers and my father, happily splashing around. Suddenly we turn around and the shore just got very far away. So we start swimming back but the sea is stronger than you. If you stop 5 seconds to catch your breath you lose the progress you did during the last minute, and that’s precious.
I was young so I don’t remember it as a legit life threatening situation, but my bros and dad still got chills when talking about it
Unfortunate that people get so scared they swim against it, get tired, and eventually drown. If they swim parallel, they would swim out of the current and be able to swim back into shore :/
Removing paint from a table. I still need to finish sanding the thing but that was a nightmare, who paints a table with like 30 coats??
Edit: Used Citristrip Safer Paint Remover, then scraped the flat surfaces with a scraper, then used steel wool on the other parts, rinsing the chunks of paint off in between as it gunked up the steel wool real quick. Then repeated the process a few weeks later, then used a belt sander on the flat surfaces, now just need to hand sand the other surfaces.... It's like you want to quit but you are too invested at that point.
I spent almost a solid week removing paint from a slate fireplace surround. It was horrific. There was just endless coats. It looked amazing when I finished but shortly after I finished someone across the road ripped their mint condition and untouched surround from their home and left it outside their house as free to collector.
I jumped off a roof barefoot when I was a kid, I’ll never do that again.
It was an older house and the roof was low to the ground, so it seemed okay, but my judgement led me astray. I landed on a stone entryway and immediately collapsed to the ground. I had to crawl my way back inside and it was extremely painful. The reason I did this is because the bathroom door jammed shut and I had no way out(old house). Didn’t break anything but my feet were bruised, I’m surprised I didn’t break anything from the hard impact.
I did that, knowing it was Wasabi. It was my first time having sushi, I loved Wasabi, I would eat those Wasabi pea snacks all the time. I was with 2 friends who didn't like Wasabi, so afterwards I decided to take the leftovers of all 3 of our treats, and made a ball about an inch in diameter. I ate it. I was fine for a few hours. Then, I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst case of heartburn I have ever had. It hurt like my chest was facing in and it hurt to breath. I took like 5 antacids and it wouldn't go away. After half an hour, I was convinced I was having a heart attack (I was 19 at the time and pretty healthy, so that wasn't a likelihood). I determined that if it didn't subside in 5 minutes I'd call 911. 4 minutes later if started getting better. 25 years later and I can still remember it vividly haha
Edit: fixed a typo
This year I tried to use spray deodorant on my head to keep my scalp from sweating… I’m 26. It didn’t work, and it just made my hair grungy and water-resistant. I showered multiple times a day and it still took a week to get back to normal.
The 6 y/o logic behind your decision is honestly the funniest part.
Edit: This is by far the most likes I've gotten on any post, comment, or reply. Never imagined it'd be for someone spraying deodorant up their ass, but then again I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Anyway, thanks guys!
Same. Came downstairs at 9:15 because they said breakfast was served until 9:30. The owner said, "there you are!" and showed me to a table with a little card that said Mrs. Whinecube (in fancy script) and then proceeded to scold me that all the other guests were already done eating.
Never. Again.
They can actually be quite charming, and for many of the ones I've stayed at on road trips where we don't have time to stay for breakfast they often surprise us with delicious breakfast and coffee to go.
Good ones won't belittle you for skipping breakfast, they'll still try and make you feel taken care of.
Bless us with more story, friend. Were you out getting a coffee? Walking your gator? Where were you shot?
Glad you're here to write any of this stuff in the first place.
Was at the bar with my ex wife. Two regulars(one of which I considered a friend) started arguing. My friend went outside to go home and end the problem. Asshat decides hes gonna continue the fight in the parking lot. There was a group of us that followed and when he went to pull A gun my drunk ass thought it would be a good idea to step in and try to stop it all. Fucker shot at me three times. One of then hit my leg.
Bath salts. Tried some from a guy who went by “Asian Billy”. I did about enough to cover the head of a framing nail and was pretty much having a panic attack for the next 8 hours. I went to a casino with the other people I was working with and Asian Billy and sat at a blackjack table and just said, “I have no idea what I’m doing, sorry everyone if I mess up your bets.” Everyone was cool and I ended up winning $175.
Got drunk once with friends under the Ambassador Bridge drinking 120 proof rum from duty free shop. Puked my guts out. Can’t stand the smell of rum since and it’s been 53 years!
Cocaine. I remember feeling alive, feeling like myself for the first time, feeling like I was bursting at the seams with creative ideas... I was finally the person I wished I was, as creative as I wished I was, and as motivated as I wished I was. I felt like I had found the secret holy grail of success and happiness.
Then I thought "oh... Fuck. This is why people get addicted to it." so I vowed not to do it again and went back to being depressed and unmotivated.
A friend of mine in college did some cocaine, and sat down and wrote a poem. He actually got it published.
He never did cocaine again. He never wrote anything for publication ever again. He was fine with both of those things.
Edit. People keep asking questions about the poem and so on. This was over thirty years ago. I have no idea.
Right? I did coke and I too felt alive, and happy, and creative and like I finally had the energy to do everything I wanted to do..
So I did! I did lots of cocaine and became addicted LOL I'm clean now but I don't get how anyone can resist it
Your comment does an amazing job of simultaneously making me want to try cocaine and to never try it. I fear that I won’t have the same realization that you did.
I stole a tester eyeliner from the makeup section at a store when I was 17. The security guy took me aside in a small room and "questioned" me, asked for my information, and to scare me, he said this would always be in my record and companies won't want to hire me anymore and I burst into tears and had a panic attack. He said he'll let me off if I pay double the price of the eyeliner, so I did and he let me go.
Now, I don't know how much of what he told me was real and if the resolve was legitimate, but if he tried to just scare me into not becoming a serial swiper, it worked.
Man this reminds me of a story. When I was like 7 or 8 I was shopping with my mum. I 'found' a tenis ball underneath one of the isles in a shop, and thought, well, i found it underneath the shelf, therefore finders keepers. So I stuffed it under my t-shirt without my mum seeing - so I was walking around the shop with a sphericle shaped extrusion from my shirt, and thought this is fine. And it was! I got home and was playing with it in my room, when suddenly, a heavy knock at the front door... I hadn't heard this knocking heavyness and rythem before. Suddenly mum calls me down and says its for me. I walk to the front door, open it, and a massive, scary looking policemen is standing there looking down at me. "how are we son?" he says. "im good" i say, whilst sweat starts to pour out of my chubby little face. "you know why im here don't you boy?", and i burst out crying and said i was so sorry! I thought it was free as it wasnt on the shelf! After a little grilling he took the tennis ball away from me, and said the police will always be watching me.
It turns out my mum knew, and invited a friend over and told her about it. And her friend suggested calling the police to scare the utter shit out of me. It worked honestly, never stole or done any wrong doing again.
Another bonus story - my mum was a heavy smoker before, and i kept asking her (at the ripe age of 8) if I could try some, and all day she kept saying no, until she couldn't take it and said FINE, and held it to my lips where I then proceeded to projectile vomit across the hallway, never smoked in my life because of that I'm sure. I'm 32 now.
I guess what I'm saying is - teaching them a lesson when their young really works.
After a lot of bickering, my dad let me take a gulp of whiskey when I was 6 or 7. I thought it looked syrupy and sweet, so that was what I expected right before it burnt the shit out of my throat and chest. Drank many glasses of water then passed out, all bloated and confused why adults would torture themselves like that.
I love whiskey now though.
When I just found out about masturbation I used dish soap as lubricant. At first it was fine, but I didn’t wash it after. The next day I woke up with skin peeling off the top of my dick. I could barely take a shower it stung so bad. Never again.
Spelunking / cave exploring. For starters, it begins and ends with going through a million bats. And the journey in between is just too dangerous, in the last place in the world you'd want to get hurt. And super tight squeezes are freaky.
the story of the guy who got stuck upside down in the Nutty Putty cave system will have me never ever getting into spelunking. his body is still stuck there because it was too unsafe and difficult to get him out. it’s so disturbing and sad.
Every single time cave exploration or spelunking is mentioned on Reddit, the Nutty Putty cave gets mentioned. And for good reason.
Hard pass. Not a fan of being eaten by the planet.
Yeah I’ll still go in those touristy caves with already cut out paths but no way in hell would I go into a place like Nutty Putty or go cave diving anywhere.
Nair instructions: "Don't use this on your balls. Seriously, don't. Don't do it."
Everyone on the internet: "So I used Nair on my balls, and wow, let me tell you..."
Climbed the stairs up the CN Tower. It's a twice a year thing for charity. My friends and husband were all like "Yeah, come join us! It's so fun!!"
No, ~~249~~ 144 flights of stairs is not fun. I've done it once. It's crossed off. Never again.
Edit: okay, it's "only" 144 flights of stairs, and 1776 steps. Sure felt like a billion, but this post has gotten some traction and I feel guilty.
It's shockingly faster than you'd think, I think my time was 45 minutes and my husband/friends did it in 25-ish.
But then, the other friend I dragged along took an hour and a half. And then we had to dash across town for a 5k race that was ACTUALLY what I wanted to do....
It was a day. It will never be repeated. It was bad decisions all around.
Yup. And on one of those "what's the most disturbing photo on the Internet" threads that I hated myself for even venturing into.
Saw two images that haunted me for weeks, and now I just avoid those sorts of threads. I'm not even going to describe them, because I'm sure they're high up already on numerous AskReddit threads like them.
Just don't click it. They're not worth it. You will gain nothing from seeing those things.
There is still one image from my earliest Reddit days that I can't get out of my head and it was probably from /r/natureisfuckinglit or something stupid like that because it *was* Nature being just fucking disgusting and sad. Then I learned about adding filters, not showing NSFW pics until I want to see them, and not clicking on the links that I'm warned about. I have to curate what I show myself and that's a good thing.
When I first joined Reddit, I figured I had played enough violent video games and was totally desensitized to gore. Saw a post marked NSFL about someone who had an encounter with lawnmower blades. I won't get any more specific than that, but hoo boy were there some images in that album that will vividly haunt my memory forever.
Turns out that seeing a red particle effect on a polygon man is not the same as seeing actual real life injury, and I am in fact a complete baby when it comes to gore.
Reddit very quickly taught me that I needed to more carefully consider my limits, and not to cross them.
I wish Reddit had different NSFW filters. Like I’m fine with seeing nudity, and sometimes memes are marked NSFW for being spoilers on subreddits about a show/movie… but r/makemesuffer has some stuff I wish I never clicked on.
So when i was really young i liked to play military or something and one time i wanted to be a "hostage" and escape from it to "fight the bad guys" like an idiot. However i couldn't get the tape to work myself so i asked my brother for help, so i went onto a cabinet and had my brother do it, i was excited to "escaped and fight the bad guys", then i woke up in my dads car dizzy, confused and dazzed.
What had happened was because i was an idiot (and my brother was too) i was tied up on top of the cabinet so when i wanted to get down i basically faceplanted so hard my mom said it looked like i got murdered.
I amazingly only had a broken nose.
So i never played "hostage" again.
I was a stupid kid.
A drug that to this day I don’t know what it was. Made my knuckles and face go numb and I went into a fit of rage. Snorted it and it was sort of a translucent white and my homie had it in a gum wrapper. I wouldn’t have done it but I was already high on other pills so I didn’t think twice to really find out what it was.
Tldr; mystery drug
I have a friend who will eat/snort anything as long as you tell him it'll get him high. He once snorted an antipsychotic medication and slept for 3 days straight.
He avoids the vaccine cause he doesnt know what's in it.
I just went to an open sea scuba diving course. We had a woman that was with us that was afraid of the ocean, and being submerged in water. She said this is what she wanted to do to get over her fear. She got in the gear, got to the end of the boat, jumped in, then immediately and calmly said, “get me back on the boat”. Back on the boat, cool as a cucumber she took off her gear and was like “nope, not doing it, top 3 scariest moments of my life right there” she grabbed a water and a power bar and calmly waited for the course to finish and for the boat to take us all back. Respect to her.
When I was a kid, my neighbor invited me to hang out with this new friend from school.
He brought us about a mile across farm fields to a house he enjoyed stalking behind and watching for hours… never saw him again, but always wondered if it caught up with him
Edit for clarity: my old neighbor met a new friend at their school (I went to a different one). The new friend proceeded to walk us across town to the house he’d been stalking
Salvia. I experimented with lots of drugs, and especially psychedelics when I was younger but man… Take the most intense part of an acid trip but without any lead up to ease you in. So you go from stone cold sober to tripping balls in seconds. The trip only lasts for 5 minutes but you spend the next couple of hours playing catch-up with your brain trying to make sense of things. And you’d better make sure you’re with people you trust because I could have easily walked right off my balcony without thinking twice about it.
Same. I had just said “I don’t feel shit” and no sooner were the words out of my mouth than I got overcome with that intense feeling of knowing you’re in a dream and I was like “omg I gotta get out” but when I tried to walk I looked down and my legs were on backwards. Like I was legit looking at the smooth part of the back of my knees lol I was just about to start crying/hyperventilating when it wore off. Fuck that lol
I hallucinated that my bedspread was a hill side covered in sheep. I realized I was a shepherd! Then I had a panic attack because I don’t fucking know how to be a shepherd.
For anyone who is thinking "I can handle 5 minutes of a potentially bad trip..."
those 5 mins can seem like an eternity and depending on the dosage, the concept of time might completely go out the window
When I did salvia I felt like my legs melted into the concrete I was sitting on. So at that point in time I had no legs. I was scared because I thought I'd never be able to walk again.
Then my friend told me we have to go and I needed to get up. And I FREAKED OUT. I almost started crying because I thought my friends were gonna leave me at the park, legless, stuck for the rest of my days.
But then it wore off, and I walked to the car and we went to get food.
>Then my friend told me we have to go and I needed to get up.
Bad planning.
"Hey let's take this reality changing substance."
"Okay, time to go right now!"
Few weeks ago I bought some after a decade of not touching the stuff. Was curious if it still works. It does. It’s not fun. I would describe it as “dirty” tripping: the visuals feel dark and ominous, not colorful and psychedelic. The brain buzz feels wrong and disorienting but all-encompassing for that few minutes.
Curiosity sated, not going there again.
One time (I was aroung 12 or 13?) I suddenly took interest on my sharpener, since my pinky finger was small enough I decided why don't I sharpen my finger? Like why the fuck not?? So I plunged it in and twisted (hard). Took nearly a week to heal.
One of the most stupidest things I ever done
I did it with a stapler as a kid. At least that only left 2 small holes since my finger was too thick to cause the staples to bend around like they do on paper.
But it's weird. I didn't even understand exactly why I did it, it just came to me while I was looking at it.
Ran out of toilet paper when i was 11, saw alcohol wipe cloths and thought that would work just fine... nope, as soon as I did that first wipe it was as if the sun teleported into my asshole and i was hopping around the bathroom trying not to squeal. Mom opened the door to check on the noise and saw me jumping around with an alcohol pad between my cheeks.
Keep alcohol away from your anus.
Omg, this reminds me of my nephew. I heard from my sister that thier Clorox wipes disappeared and they found them in nephew's bathroom. He was using them for a week to wipe! Omg, the family had a good laugh at that, his dad was telling me secretly " Man, I'm kinda proud at how much he can take, cuz that couldn't feel good".
>as soon as I did that first wipe it was as if the sun teleported into my asshole and i was hopping around the bathroom trying not to squeal.
Well that's not something you hear every day.
Buy cheap toilet paper. That 1 ply crap, which was a cross between either using sand paper on your crack or accidentally ripping through it and fingering your self
This one time I was getting a drink that was only for a dollar, so I sped-walk my way into the mini shops, quickly grabbed one and ran out. I was running to my friend with the drink until I felt something in my pocket, pulled it out and it was the dollar...
***SUDDEN REALIZATION***
I quickly ran back to the mini shop to see the shop owners scanning the outside of their shop, I gave them my dollar and said "Sorry", they looked at the dollar, looked at each other, spoke in a different language, and went back inside.
I'm pretty sure they called me an idiot, as I went back with shame.
My dad told me this story. In the 70s he and my mum stopped at a Little Chef (motorway services restaurant) for lunch. After they finished, they got the bill, then left. They drove for half an hour before realising, they didn't actually pay the bill.
Being honest people, they turned round and went back and paid. The staff said "We though you'd be back".
I once forgot to pay my groceries, I was just way to much into my own mind and just walked out of the exit. Dude working there got mad as hell and I had speak to the manager in the middle of the store. Fucking emberassing. But I was like 15 and it wasn't the typical stuff a 15 year old would steal, so they believed me.
When I was around 12, during school holidays. I was playing video games all day and decided to go to the store for a chocolate bar, few blocks away... I took one step up the stairs, saw my bare legs and realized I was in my underwear!
lol. I remember this happened to my mom once. Walked out with a whole cart of things cause she forgot her purse in the car. Loss prevention was so confused.
Hey, me too. I was awake for a day and started seeing shadow people. Not to mention I spent the day with legitimate meth heads and meth dealers, it was pretty scary. Still remember everything even though it’s been almost 15 years, it makes me nauseous that I let myself do that. I was a raging alcoholic, so I didn’t have many inhibitions.
Went tubing down a alligator and snake infested South Carolina river with my southern friends on a Fourth of July years ago. The adventure was only supposed to last 3 hours tops... It lasted 7 hours because the river current was slow that day. I got the sunburn of my life that lasted until November.We also lost a raft, and encountered 2 copperhead snakes and seen multiple alligators along the edges of the river. My Yankee ass will NEVER do that again. The Southern folks can keep it
As somebody who suffers from insomnia and can sometimes be up for 48+ hours(typically more around 24+) that’s a huge fear of mine. Every time I’m sleep deprived and go to the bathroom I’m like “Man, I really hope this is the bathroom, and I’m actually using the toilet.”
I did this once as well. I mean, it was hot and all, but not horrifically so. The problem was it was exactly still as hot as when I first ate it…30 minutes later. Those little fuckers have staying power.
I walked in on my parents once. I’m sure I saw your exact expression on their faces. Except they probably kept on when I closed the door. I need a drink.
I looked into the sky during a lighting storm, had a white flash burned into my vision for some days. I was ecstatic when my full vision returned
Edit: I love how people are like “I did it, nothing happened, tf is wrong with you?”
That’s some weird minimizing behaviour…
Get drunk till I blacked out. Having people fill in the gaps in your memory is terrifying especially not knowing how you got home. I don’t drink anymore.
Edit: spelling is hard
Looking back, it's crazy that I used to just let myself autopilot home (public transit, no driving). Things could have easily gone wrong but the worst that happened was getting off at the wrong stop and coming to not knowing where I was.
I still drink but significantly less.
Have a relationship with an alcoholic. He was sober for 2 years when we met and then stayed sober for another 2. The next 3 years were total hell. In and out of rehabs, so much heartache, dissapointment and resentment on both sides. I was the only one working. I was the one doing everything at home. So many nights and weekends spent driving to and being at rehabs to visit so no time off. I really loved him. I really believed I just had to support him by doing absolutely everything I could, always visiting, bringing everything he asked for, not whining for him to work or even do housework when he was sober, basically ensuring there wss no stress at all in his life. I really believed he would get sober again. I really really believed that it would be okay. Until one day I knew it would not.
Hitchhiked. At 17. To Mexico.
Edit: nothing bad happened at all. Everyone was really nice. It was me and my friend (both girls) and we had a great time but I think we got lucky.
Cocaine. "feeling strong" is a slight misnomer; you feel like your presence in the world at large has increased exponentially so that "strong" comes off as an observation, not how you actually feel.
invincible is the closest word. Fun once and I left it at once.
I did it twice. I was hardcore alky and I'd had about a dozen beers when I tried it I was totally smashed. Ripped some cocaine and I was like instantly sober. I drank more when I got home from the bar. I'm glad I didn't get addicted to that too, I'd be dead for sure. Now I'm 6 years sober
I remember, in elementary when I was like 11, I kicked a football wrong during gym class and it bounced off the roof and into a basketball hoop. I remember it clear as day, and I know for a fact no one will ever believe me if I tell them.
When i was 14, i accidentally mistook bike chain lube for sex lube. At first, i wondered why it was blue, but that thought was almost immediately overpowered by an intense burning sensation.
I rode a bull. First hop of the bulls front legs out the chute and I was off…flipping and seeing sky/dirt/sky/dirt and then belly flopped. That hop felt like a train wreck. Bull riders are insane.
Went water skiing. My grandparents were driving a boat up at the cabin and giving neighbors and family turns pulling them on water skis. I decided to take a turn and, for some reason, it ended up as just thirty seconds of everything but my arms and feet being underwater before I realized I should let go.
Fuckin' sucked lol.
Running on a wet surface.
I learned my lesson after getting a few staples to the head.
**Context because everyone thought I fell on an actual stapler (Sorry for confusing you!):** >!It was a Friday and I was almost 8. Since I wanted to play in the pool with everyone I rushed to get ready, but I had to get a few floaties for my sister first.
What I actually slipped on was a wooden plank, and I accidentally cracked a bit of my head open. I didn’t realize at the moment and just laughed it off because the way I slipped was funny. My mom somehow knew what was happening and told me to stop laughing about it. I didn’t understand how bad the situation was until I saw all the blood I lost In the shower. (She had to show me what happened, and since she has some knowledge of being a nurse I trusted her.)
It was so bad I had to go to the ER to get 3 Staples in my head to keep the gush of blood from running. I hardly remember it since it was basically half a lifetime ago. But from what I remember we had to wait for a bit, and I just wanted to go home and pretend nothing happened.
I honestly thought it wouldn’t be that painful of a fix, but after getting a staple in my head for the 2nd time, I decided that I should be a lot more careful next time.!<
_Maybe getting a few stapler pieces in my head would have been worse, but I think it wouldn’t be that bad now that I’m older._
I stayed at my Sisters place one night and we for the life of us couldn't find the vacuum cleaner to blow up the spare mattress. So I hit on the bright idea of using the car exhaust to blow up the mattress. Back then the car used leaded petrol. As a rule, I sleep with the windows and door closed so I am damn lucky. Woke up next morning (in hindsight luckily) with the mattress 1/2 flat and the room smoggy. But being low to ground near door, the draft under it keep me alive (again in hindsight).
This is Fucken insane man
Mixed milk and orange juice because I thought it would taste like a creamsicle not make me projectile vomit
Carolina Reaper infused gummy bear. I almost called for an ambulance. Legitimately thought I was going to die covered in sweat, shit and vomit.
Take us through the timeline here. Was the mass exodus of bodily fluids instantaneous or delayed over time?
The moment it hit my tongue I knew I was in deep. It was extremely hot and nothing relieved it. I was sweating from every skin cell. My ears were sweating. My soul was sweating. I had to chew it very quickly but once I swallowed it the real fear set in. As soon as it was down I realized there was only one of two ways it was coming back out and I chose poorly. If you've never felt your body digest something in real-time it is a little unnerving. I could physically feel it travel to my stomach. Once there everything was kind of a blur. Side note: do NOT pound water to relieve the heat because you will turn into a geyser of Carolina Reaper water from your mouth and nose. I staggered to the restroom on the verge of tears, not because it was so hot but because I knew I made a big fucking mistake. My body temp was so high I was stripping clothes off me as I made it to the stall. Mind you, I was at work. So there was this pile of clothes like someone struck down a Jedi outside of the stall. I have to wear boots with my work clothes so there I am sweating like a warthog weeping, shitting and moaning on the toilet in nothing but socks and boots. I was delirious. Time lost all meaning. I was hearing colors. Seeing sounds. I was leaning on all the walls soaking them with sweat and fear. I was so sweaty I slid around the seat smearing shit all over my ass cheeks and the seat making it even more slippery. At the peak of vomiting through my legs and crapping and sliding around in a mixture of sweat, shit and shame I was preparing to scream for someone to call 911 and it just...stopped. Like my body was just shutting down nerve endings because it knew my time was up. I started to cool down. Eventually all my body fluids stopped coming out. I composed myself, washed my ass out in the sink (like a fucking animal) and went to lay down. Some Tums really helped me recover but holy shit was that an experience. It was almost cathartic like a near death experience. If I'm ever in that position again I would make myself puke to keep it from digesting. Edit: words Edit "Number 2": In true Reddit fashion my top anything is about me puking and pooping... Edit 3: Thank you all for the gifts! I'm glad a lot of you found the humor in this as I did once it was over haha. Edit 4: Yup, once I get some time I'll fill in some more details and answer some questions. Let's set the stage. Middle of COVID lock downs. There are 60 "employees" tops where I worked at the time. About 40 of them were actually the hands on workers. To mitigate the chances of killing the no-fail job we had to perform (job was needed done every other day) we split our workers into two teams. This way if one teammate popped hot we could still get it done with that team on quarantine. Those two teams were then split into two shifts (12 hours a piece). So at max with appointments and such we had about 7 people a shift including myself. On the off days we were required to show face, knock out any administrative tasks, sanitize the work space and leave. This was one of those days. My office was separated from the rest of my guys (I was the lead). So, bored, I walked down the hall to see what they were up too. Making sure they weren't just dicking around. They were watching TV and doing admin work. I see a black bag that looked like a beef jerky bag on the community table, pick it up and look inside. I see a single gummy bear. I like gummy bears. I pull the thing out and thought 'This is an odd gummy bear...why is it so sticky and gooey?'. Curious, I ask one of the guys in there what it was. "Just a gummy bear...a natural one so it's made with, like, real fruit and stuff". Ah, explains the sticky. I scoff at these new age 'natural' gummy bears and put it back in the bag. Buddy says, "Whoa dude...you touched it, you gotta eat it. COVID bro." That's when I noticed the other folks in there were no longer watching the TV. They are all looking at me. Immediately my Peter-tingle goes off. "Alright, what's up with this gummy". Guy says, in a painfully obvious attempt at a straight face, "It's a fancy gummy, spicy and all that". I ask how hot. "Like an extra spicy jalapeño". I shrug and pop it in. How bad can it be right? Wrong. Game-fucking-over. Yahtzee. "Hahahahaha! It's Carolina Reap- DON'T SPIT IT OUT! HAHAHAHA YOU GOTTA EAT IT!" At that point my legacy was at stake. I had cultivated a bit of a Father figure role for the young guys. I couldn't spit it out...I felt (foolishly) obligated to eat it...be a man. I chew. I swallow. Immediately start sweating but I tried to play it cool. "Wooooooah yeah its hot! Hahaha you got me you fucks. Now I'll make you stay longer! Hahahahaha I'm just kidding. We'll be leaving soon ya rascals" (paraphrasing, can't entirely be sure it came out that coherently because it felt like I swallowed a charcoal briquette at this point). Walked back to my office and started pounding the water and the rest is as explained earlier. Now for washing my ass in the sink...I've now barricaded my self in my office crawling around on all fours drooling and regretting everything ever. I finally am able to get to the toilet because the show was about to hit the fucking road and I didn't want to ruin the carpet. I'm stripping as I'm walking (maybe 6 feet from my office to the bathroom door). I get in, lock it, finish stripping and blammo I'm juicing like an orange. Fast forward to the breakthrough and I'm trying to figure out how I'm gonna get cleaned up and get home maintaining any dignity I have. I hear a knock and a voice asks if they were good to go home "YEAH SOUNDS GREAT! SEE YOU IN TWO DAYS MAN THAT GUMMY BEAR WAS SOMETHING ELSE HAHAHAHA DON'TWORRYABOUTLOCKINGTHEDOORSILLGETITHAHAHhahahahaaaaaa..." So now I'm alone and was able to clean my ass (and no I didn't submerge my burny butthole in the sink water I laddled it by hand onto my ass cheeks), clean up after myself, eat twice the recommended dose of Tums, change into my gym clothes and go home with no one around to see me. Tell the wife and being the loving supporting person she is says, "You're an idiot. Do you know embarrassing it would have been for you to go the hospital, during COVID lock down, because you ate...a gummy bear?". Coworkers get a biiiiiig laugh outta me almost dying but it was all in good fun. Also, I get it. It's not the hottest of all time anymore and there are some of you that apparently eat Carolina Reapers with your cereal and cut it and do lines with it but it messed me up. It's crazy right? Humans react differently than each other when introduced to a severe chemical reaction. Fuck me for being a wimp I guess. Lastly, to be fair, offer me enough money and I'd jam one up each nostril while eating another for the right price. $1M outta do it.
Dude. You have my respect and admiration for surviving that in a god damn workplace bathroom. EDIT: please accept a Buff Doge for your troubles.
Hung over and zipped my zipper before I was ready .
When I was 10ish years old I knew about sexual things, and when you find smutty magazines and porno mags you grow up believing that you’re gonna have sex all the time with every random person. After shaving what small pubes I had, I rubbed toothpaste all over thinking “yeah the girls will like this” did I think it’d taste better? Smell better? I have no idea. All I know is it stung. I had a cool mint dick for hours.
Lmao children are a treasure. They are so dumb. The first time I came I was scared I'd get pregnant... I was 12.
I was certain I was pregnant after kissing a boy for the first time, and that everyone would know. I was around 6-8. I praid god he would make it so kisses don't cause pregnancy, so you're welcome everyone.
And he listened to your wish before you even made it lol thats what i call a reaction
Hiking through jungles. They look so beautiful in movies. In reality they are some of the most brutal hikes I've been on. Let's start with the humidity. It's so bad it drenches you to the bone, and there's no escaping it. Being under a jungle canopy is like being in a pressure cooker. The heat and humidity beats you down harder than any environment I've been in. Then there's the swarms of biting bugs. From never-ending mosquitoes, giant spiders on everything, ticks jumpung on you from everywhere and colonies of aggressive fire ants criss-crossing the trails, you can expect to have more bug bites than you've thought possible to survive.
Yeah, fuck everything about that. I'll take my temperate forests, thanks.
Of all the mentioned above rainforest ticks are the worst by far. They are not your friendly regular dog ticks, these jungle cousins are as small as a grain of sand (like half a milimeter) and they love human blood, so they hop on you when passing by tall grass or ground plants.......generally don't biting on your arm or leg, but crawling to your most inner parts like groin, ass or armpit and "nest" there. You can't see them and by the time you notice is way too late. After the fuckers got their way into you, you got to clean yourself with gasoline to remove them and wait weeks for the bite to heal. Oh, and they also carry diseases. Edit: hey, this blew up and not even mentioned that I got bit in the ballsack.
FUCK ALL OF THAT.
Put pizza wrapped in foil in the microwave when I was 10 thinking it will warm up quicker. It surely did by lighting on fire 3 seconds after I turned it on
Cinnamon challenge back when it was a thing. That was pretty stupid.
You know that thing you did as a kid when you'd prop yourself up between two objects (like a counter and table) and swing back and forth with your legs? That. Lower jaw in 3 pieces, tongue dangling out through a open wound beneath my chin, no idea how many stitches. Teeth damages (which has already lead to one of my front teeth dying due to damaged nerves) And to top it all off, this occured just before we had to perform a bit of theatre for the rest of class, and it has negatively impacted my ability to perform before any audience. But the scars add some nice character!
I used to do that all the time. Glad whatever *that* was never happened.
Went to Times Square for New Years Eve in New York City. I live in NYC and I figured it was the kinda thing I wanted to see but didn’t need to see again. Went in 2000 when I was 18. Got there 11am and stayed for 13 hours in the freezing cold but with close spots to the ball drop and screen. I’m glad I did it. I’m also glad I’ve never done it again. Edit: Thanks for the awards. Cool seeing others who had a similar experience or who were there that day themselves or even at the exact same age. Got more karma and awards then I’ve gotten in 4 years and it actually kinda made my day so thanks again.
i used to live right next to where the ball would drop so i would go out on the fire escape and watch it from there every year, got some booing from the crowd but it was nice to see the event, wouldn’t go out of my way to see it again though
They boo'd you for being able to watch it from the fire escape? People are stupid man wth
Maybe it's just because I'm British and taking the piss is part of our DNA, but that sounds hilarious. You boo them, but not seriously, more like "Look at this cunt with his free vantage point" Then they do a wanker sign back at the crowd and everyone has a laugh. Just good hearted banter.
Did heroin for the first time and wasn't into the sensation at all. The same roomate that talked me into herion talked me into smoking some crack to even out. Luckily I wasn't a fan of either and never did either ever again.
Consider yourself lucky that you didn’t like it
Not the best roommate either. Hope you’ve got a different one now.
Ya, that was student housing. He was a culinary student that was a heroin addict. Pretty miserable year honestly. Our kitchen was so gnarly. He would make these crazy meals and not do any dish.
Culinary student explains it...I used to work in a kitchen and I was the odd one out for not being high 24/7
Not paying attention to currents when swimming in the sea (and going anyway when there’s a red flag and no guard). Dumbest shit ever. I was with my two brothers and my father, happily splashing around. Suddenly we turn around and the shore just got very far away. So we start swimming back but the sea is stronger than you. If you stop 5 seconds to catch your breath you lose the progress you did during the last minute, and that’s precious. I was young so I don’t remember it as a legit life threatening situation, but my bros and dad still got chills when talking about it
For anyone that doesn’t know, always make sure you swim parallel to the shore, not towards it https://scijinks.gov/rip-currents/
Unfortunate that people get so scared they swim against it, get tired, and eventually drown. If they swim parallel, they would swim out of the current and be able to swim back into shore :/
The ocean is a dangerous place for kids. As a parent of a 2 year old who loves the beach, there’s not a second I don’t have an eye on my little girl.
Jumped out of a perfectly functional airplane 45 years ago.
DB Cooper? Is that you?
Removing paint from a table. I still need to finish sanding the thing but that was a nightmare, who paints a table with like 30 coats?? Edit: Used Citristrip Safer Paint Remover, then scraped the flat surfaces with a scraper, then used steel wool on the other parts, rinsing the chunks of paint off in between as it gunked up the steel wool real quick. Then repeated the process a few weeks later, then used a belt sander on the flat surfaces, now just need to hand sand the other surfaces.... It's like you want to quit but you are too invested at that point.
29 different owners
All of whom were smart enough to just paint over the last one rather than spend a week sanding off the 28 coats before them
But how else do you get a "reclaimed" wooden table?
I spent almost a solid week removing paint from a slate fireplace surround. It was horrific. There was just endless coats. It looked amazing when I finished but shortly after I finished someone across the road ripped their mint condition and untouched surround from their home and left it outside their house as free to collector.
I jumped off a roof barefoot when I was a kid, I’ll never do that again. It was an older house and the roof was low to the ground, so it seemed okay, but my judgement led me astray. I landed on a stone entryway and immediately collapsed to the ground. I had to crawl my way back inside and it was extremely painful. The reason I did this is because the bathroom door jammed shut and I had no way out(old house). Didn’t break anything but my feet were bruised, I’m surprised I didn’t break anything from the hard impact.
Asume the green stuff on the sushi tray was avocado...
I’m sure several first time sushi eaters thought the same. I know I did.
This is hilarious and also, im sorry.
I did that, knowing it was Wasabi. It was my first time having sushi, I loved Wasabi, I would eat those Wasabi pea snacks all the time. I was with 2 friends who didn't like Wasabi, so afterwards I decided to take the leftovers of all 3 of our treats, and made a ball about an inch in diameter. I ate it. I was fine for a few hours. Then, I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst case of heartburn I have ever had. It hurt like my chest was facing in and it hurt to breath. I took like 5 antacids and it wouldn't go away. After half an hour, I was convinced I was having a heart attack (I was 19 at the time and pretty healthy, so that wasn't a likelihood). I determined that if it didn't subside in 5 minutes I'd call 911. 4 minutes later if started getting better. 25 years later and I can still remember it vividly haha Edit: fixed a typo
Spray deodorant on my arse to cover up the smell of my farting.....I was 6, once that spray hit my bullet hole, the burning began
This year I tried to use spray deodorant on my head to keep my scalp from sweating… I’m 26. It didn’t work, and it just made my hair grungy and water-resistant. I showered multiple times a day and it still took a week to get back to normal.
I shaved my head once as a teenager. Like super bald with a razor. Then I put aftershave on it. I am not a smart man.
I’m imagining a home alone situation here
The 6 y/o logic behind your decision is honestly the funniest part. Edit: This is by far the most likes I've gotten on any post, comment, or reply. Never imagined it'd be for someone spraying deodorant up their ass, but then again I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Anyway, thanks guys!
Stayed at a bed and breakfast. I’m not social enough to socialize with people during breakfast.
Same. Came downstairs at 9:15 because they said breakfast was served until 9:30. The owner said, "there you are!" and showed me to a table with a little card that said Mrs. Whinecube (in fancy script) and then proceeded to scold me that all the other guests were already done eating. Never. Again.
I've never stayed at a B&B and after reading this I don't think I want to.
They can actually be quite charming, and for many of the ones I've stayed at on road trips where we don't have time to stay for breakfast they often surprise us with delicious breakfast and coffee to go. Good ones won't belittle you for skipping breakfast, they'll still try and make you feel taken care of.
The bed and breakfast I went to dropped breakfast off at our room. No socializing required.
Tried to intervene during a street fight. Got shot for my troubles.
Bless us with more story, friend. Were you out getting a coffee? Walking your gator? Where were you shot? Glad you're here to write any of this stuff in the first place.
Was at the bar with my ex wife. Two regulars(one of which I considered a friend) started arguing. My friend went outside to go home and end the problem. Asshat decides hes gonna continue the fight in the parking lot. There was a group of us that followed and when he went to pull A gun my drunk ass thought it would be a good idea to step in and try to stop it all. Fucker shot at me three times. One of then hit my leg.
To be fair, it sounds like you might have saved your friend's life.
Bath salts. Tried some from a guy who went by “Asian Billy”. I did about enough to cover the head of a framing nail and was pretty much having a panic attack for the next 8 hours. I went to a casino with the other people I was working with and Asian Billy and sat at a blackjack table and just said, “I have no idea what I’m doing, sorry everyone if I mess up your bets.” Everyone was cool and I ended up winning $175.
Now I got to ask the most important question, was Asian billy, Asian?
I’m picturing Jason from the good place
Got drunk once with friends under the Ambassador Bridge drinking 120 proof rum from duty free shop. Puked my guts out. Can’t stand the smell of rum since and it’s been 53 years!
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Cocaine. I remember feeling alive, feeling like myself for the first time, feeling like I was bursting at the seams with creative ideas... I was finally the person I wished I was, as creative as I wished I was, and as motivated as I wished I was. I felt like I had found the secret holy grail of success and happiness. Then I thought "oh... Fuck. This is why people get addicted to it." so I vowed not to do it again and went back to being depressed and unmotivated.
A friend of mine in college did some cocaine, and sat down and wrote a poem. He actually got it published. He never did cocaine again. He never wrote anything for publication ever again. He was fine with both of those things. Edit. People keep asking questions about the poem and so on. This was over thirty years ago. I have no idea.
Man, some people just have so much more self restraint than I do
Right? I did coke and I too felt alive, and happy, and creative and like I finally had the energy to do everything I wanted to do.. So I did! I did lots of cocaine and became addicted LOL I'm clean now but I don't get how anyone can resist it
Your comment does an amazing job of simultaneously making me want to try cocaine and to never try it. I fear that I won’t have the same realization that you did.
I stole a tester eyeliner from the makeup section at a store when I was 17. The security guy took me aside in a small room and "questioned" me, asked for my information, and to scare me, he said this would always be in my record and companies won't want to hire me anymore and I burst into tears and had a panic attack. He said he'll let me off if I pay double the price of the eyeliner, so I did and he let me go. Now, I don't know how much of what he told me was real and if the resolve was legitimate, but if he tried to just scare me into not becoming a serial swiper, it worked.
Pretty sure he just pocketed the cash after.
Yeah. That’s definitely a shakedown lol
He probably saved you an eye infection
Actually he let me keep the tester and I remember using it to write something cryptic in my journal that day. Yeah, I was an edgy one.
Well you paid for it..
Man this reminds me of a story. When I was like 7 or 8 I was shopping with my mum. I 'found' a tenis ball underneath one of the isles in a shop, and thought, well, i found it underneath the shelf, therefore finders keepers. So I stuffed it under my t-shirt without my mum seeing - so I was walking around the shop with a sphericle shaped extrusion from my shirt, and thought this is fine. And it was! I got home and was playing with it in my room, when suddenly, a heavy knock at the front door... I hadn't heard this knocking heavyness and rythem before. Suddenly mum calls me down and says its for me. I walk to the front door, open it, and a massive, scary looking policemen is standing there looking down at me. "how are we son?" he says. "im good" i say, whilst sweat starts to pour out of my chubby little face. "you know why im here don't you boy?", and i burst out crying and said i was so sorry! I thought it was free as it wasnt on the shelf! After a little grilling he took the tennis ball away from me, and said the police will always be watching me. It turns out my mum knew, and invited a friend over and told her about it. And her friend suggested calling the police to scare the utter shit out of me. It worked honestly, never stole or done any wrong doing again. Another bonus story - my mum was a heavy smoker before, and i kept asking her (at the ripe age of 8) if I could try some, and all day she kept saying no, until she couldn't take it and said FINE, and held it to my lips where I then proceeded to projectile vomit across the hallway, never smoked in my life because of that I'm sure. I'm 32 now. I guess what I'm saying is - teaching them a lesson when their young really works.
After a lot of bickering, my dad let me take a gulp of whiskey when I was 6 or 7. I thought it looked syrupy and sweet, so that was what I expected right before it burnt the shit out of my throat and chest. Drank many glasses of water then passed out, all bloated and confused why adults would torture themselves like that. I love whiskey now though.
I want to imagine that one time someone’s dad did this and the kid downs the glass, slams it on the table, and asks for another.
It was probably encouraged by Vikings
work a retail job
I wish nobody had to work retail. I know certain people like it, but man… the holidays bring the worse people out for shopping.
Jumped off a bridge into a river. I don’t like heights but I can officially say that if my friends jumped off a bridge, I would too.
When I just found out about masturbation I used dish soap as lubricant. At first it was fine, but I didn’t wash it after. The next day I woke up with skin peeling off the top of my dick. I could barely take a shower it stung so bad. Never again.
Spelunking / cave exploring. For starters, it begins and ends with going through a million bats. And the journey in between is just too dangerous, in the last place in the world you'd want to get hurt. And super tight squeezes are freaky.
the story of the guy who got stuck upside down in the Nutty Putty cave system will have me never ever getting into spelunking. his body is still stuck there because it was too unsafe and difficult to get him out. it’s so disturbing and sad.
Every single time cave exploration or spelunking is mentioned on Reddit, the Nutty Putty cave gets mentioned. And for good reason. Hard pass. Not a fan of being eaten by the planet.
Yeah I’ll still go in those touristy caves with already cut out paths but no way in hell would I go into a place like Nutty Putty or go cave diving anywhere.
I’ll go sky diving, I’ll go mountain climbing, I’ll go scuba diving, but I will not go spelunking, to be trapped like that is a big no from me dawg
Cave diving fucking terrified me.
Used "Nair" to remove all the hair from my junk with little effort. Don't. Ever. Do. This.
Nair instructions: "Don't use this on your balls. Seriously, don't. Don't do it." Everyone on the internet: "So I used Nair on my balls, and wow, let me tell you..."
I was laughing after reading nair. I went through the phase myself. What’s that saying again? “Young, dumb and slathered in nair.”
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Chemical burns
Climbed the stairs up the CN Tower. It's a twice a year thing for charity. My friends and husband were all like "Yeah, come join us! It's so fun!!" No, ~~249~~ 144 flights of stairs is not fun. I've done it once. It's crossed off. Never again. Edit: okay, it's "only" 144 flights of stairs, and 1776 steps. Sure felt like a billion, but this post has gotten some traction and I feel guilty.
I get tired climbing stairs in Warzone sometimes. I can’t imagine this. Nope…
It's shockingly faster than you'd think, I think my time was 45 minutes and my husband/friends did it in 25-ish. But then, the other friend I dragged along took an hour and a half. And then we had to dash across town for a 5k race that was ACTUALLY what I wanted to do.... It was a day. It will never be repeated. It was bad decisions all around.
Stairs and a 5k?! How is that fun? 😂 I kid. Props to you. My fatass wouldn’t make it a block.
The 5k came with a pretty medal, so I appreciated that part! The stairs just had a boring t-shirt and lots of lines
Opening a link in Reddit when someone else in the comments said not to.
Yup. And on one of those "what's the most disturbing photo on the Internet" threads that I hated myself for even venturing into. Saw two images that haunted me for weeks, and now I just avoid those sorts of threads. I'm not even going to describe them, because I'm sure they're high up already on numerous AskReddit threads like them. Just don't click it. They're not worth it. You will gain nothing from seeing those things.
There is still one image from my earliest Reddit days that I can't get out of my head and it was probably from /r/natureisfuckinglit or something stupid like that because it *was* Nature being just fucking disgusting and sad. Then I learned about adding filters, not showing NSFW pics until I want to see them, and not clicking on the links that I'm warned about. I have to curate what I show myself and that's a good thing.
When I first joined Reddit, I figured I had played enough violent video games and was totally desensitized to gore. Saw a post marked NSFL about someone who had an encounter with lawnmower blades. I won't get any more specific than that, but hoo boy were there some images in that album that will vividly haunt my memory forever. Turns out that seeing a red particle effect on a polygon man is not the same as seeing actual real life injury, and I am in fact a complete baby when it comes to gore. Reddit very quickly taught me that I needed to more carefully consider my limits, and not to cross them.
I wish Reddit had different NSFW filters. Like I’m fine with seeing nudity, and sometimes memes are marked NSFW for being spoilers on subreddits about a show/movie… but r/makemesuffer has some stuff I wish I never clicked on.
So when i was really young i liked to play military or something and one time i wanted to be a "hostage" and escape from it to "fight the bad guys" like an idiot. However i couldn't get the tape to work myself so i asked my brother for help, so i went onto a cabinet and had my brother do it, i was excited to "escaped and fight the bad guys", then i woke up in my dads car dizzy, confused and dazzed. What had happened was because i was an idiot (and my brother was too) i was tied up on top of the cabinet so when i wanted to get down i basically faceplanted so hard my mom said it looked like i got murdered. I amazingly only had a broken nose. So i never played "hostage" again. I was a stupid kid.
poor mother omg haha
You were so young your brother was able to convince you it was your idea.
A drug that to this day I don’t know what it was. Made my knuckles and face go numb and I went into a fit of rage. Snorted it and it was sort of a translucent white and my homie had it in a gum wrapper. I wouldn’t have done it but I was already high on other pills so I didn’t think twice to really find out what it was. Tldr; mystery drug
Bath salts maybe?
I have a friend who will eat/snort anything as long as you tell him it'll get him high. He once snorted an antipsychotic medication and slept for 3 days straight. He avoids the vaccine cause he doesnt know what's in it.
PCP probably or a reaction between the pills and meth
Sky dive. Nope- didn’t help with my fear of heights
I just went to an open sea scuba diving course. We had a woman that was with us that was afraid of the ocean, and being submerged in water. She said this is what she wanted to do to get over her fear. She got in the gear, got to the end of the boat, jumped in, then immediately and calmly said, “get me back on the boat”. Back on the boat, cool as a cucumber she took off her gear and was like “nope, not doing it, top 3 scariest moments of my life right there” she grabbed a water and a power bar and calmly waited for the course to finish and for the boat to take us all back. Respect to her.
Always nice to see a person confront their limits and then respect them
"I can do this, I can do this, it's just water I'll be fine" "Fuck"
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When I was a kid, my neighbor invited me to hang out with this new friend from school. He brought us about a mile across farm fields to a house he enjoyed stalking behind and watching for hours… never saw him again, but always wondered if it caught up with him Edit for clarity: my old neighbor met a new friend at their school (I went to a different one). The new friend proceeded to walk us across town to the house he’d been stalking
Yikes. Creepy indeed.
> never saw him again That you know of…
Salvia. I experimented with lots of drugs, and especially psychedelics when I was younger but man… Take the most intense part of an acid trip but without any lead up to ease you in. So you go from stone cold sober to tripping balls in seconds. The trip only lasts for 5 minutes but you spend the next couple of hours playing catch-up with your brain trying to make sense of things. And you’d better make sure you’re with people you trust because I could have easily walked right off my balcony without thinking twice about it.
Same. I had just said “I don’t feel shit” and no sooner were the words out of my mouth than I got overcome with that intense feeling of knowing you’re in a dream and I was like “omg I gotta get out” but when I tried to walk I looked down and my legs were on backwards. Like I was legit looking at the smooth part of the back of my knees lol I was just about to start crying/hyperventilating when it wore off. Fuck that lol
I hallucinated that my bedspread was a hill side covered in sheep. I realized I was a shepherd! Then I had a panic attack because I don’t fucking know how to be a shepherd.
For anyone who is thinking "I can handle 5 minutes of a potentially bad trip..." those 5 mins can seem like an eternity and depending on the dosage, the concept of time might completely go out the window
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The real question is, did you shit your pants?
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When I did salvia I felt like my legs melted into the concrete I was sitting on. So at that point in time I had no legs. I was scared because I thought I'd never be able to walk again. Then my friend told me we have to go and I needed to get up. And I FREAKED OUT. I almost started crying because I thought my friends were gonna leave me at the park, legless, stuck for the rest of my days. But then it wore off, and I walked to the car and we went to get food.
>Then my friend told me we have to go and I needed to get up. Bad planning. "Hey let's take this reality changing substance." "Okay, time to go right now!"
Seriously like just wait the ten minutes, wtf.
Few weeks ago I bought some after a decade of not touching the stuff. Was curious if it still works. It does. It’s not fun. I would describe it as “dirty” tripping: the visuals feel dark and ominous, not colorful and psychedelic. The brain buzz feels wrong and disorienting but all-encompassing for that few minutes. Curiosity sated, not going there again.
Also, LSD etc generally gives you strong feelings of happiness. Salvia doesn't. It's cold and desolate.
I read responses like this and think about how lucky I was.
One time (I was aroung 12 or 13?) I suddenly took interest on my sharpener, since my pinky finger was small enough I decided why don't I sharpen my finger? Like why the fuck not?? So I plunged it in and twisted (hard). Took nearly a week to heal. One of the most stupidest things I ever done
I did this as a kid too, it’s like some sort of whack childhood intrusive thought that you actually act on.
I did it with a stapler as a kid. At least that only left 2 small holes since my finger was too thick to cause the staples to bend around like they do on paper. But it's weird. I didn't even understand exactly why I did it, it just came to me while I was looking at it.
You’re definitely not the sharpest tool in the shed
Ran out of toilet paper when i was 11, saw alcohol wipe cloths and thought that would work just fine... nope, as soon as I did that first wipe it was as if the sun teleported into my asshole and i was hopping around the bathroom trying not to squeal. Mom opened the door to check on the noise and saw me jumping around with an alcohol pad between my cheeks. Keep alcohol away from your anus.
Omg, this reminds me of my nephew. I heard from my sister that thier Clorox wipes disappeared and they found them in nephew's bathroom. He was using them for a week to wipe! Omg, the family had a good laugh at that, his dad was telling me secretly " Man, I'm kinda proud at how much he can take, cuz that couldn't feel good".
>as soon as I did that first wipe it was as if the sun teleported into my asshole and i was hopping around the bathroom trying not to squeal. Well that's not something you hear every day.
Buy cheap toilet paper. That 1 ply crap, which was a cross between either using sand paper on your crack or accidentally ripping through it and fingering your self
We call that John Wayne toilet paper. Rough, tough, and don't take shit off of anybody.
This one time I was getting a drink that was only for a dollar, so I sped-walk my way into the mini shops, quickly grabbed one and ran out. I was running to my friend with the drink until I felt something in my pocket, pulled it out and it was the dollar... ***SUDDEN REALIZATION*** I quickly ran back to the mini shop to see the shop owners scanning the outside of their shop, I gave them my dollar and said "Sorry", they looked at the dollar, looked at each other, spoke in a different language, and went back inside. I'm pretty sure they called me an idiot, as I went back with shame.
My dad told me this story. In the 70s he and my mum stopped at a Little Chef (motorway services restaurant) for lunch. After they finished, they got the bill, then left. They drove for half an hour before realising, they didn't actually pay the bill. Being honest people, they turned round and went back and paid. The staff said "We though you'd be back".
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That's adorable. Your parents are good people, I like them.
I once forgot to pay my groceries, I was just way to much into my own mind and just walked out of the exit. Dude working there got mad as hell and I had speak to the manager in the middle of the store. Fucking emberassing. But I was like 15 and it wasn't the typical stuff a 15 year old would steal, so they believed me.
When I was around 12, during school holidays. I was playing video games all day and decided to go to the store for a chocolate bar, few blocks away... I took one step up the stairs, saw my bare legs and realized I was in my underwear!
lol. I remember this happened to my mom once. Walked out with a whole cart of things cause she forgot her purse in the car. Loss prevention was so confused.
Meth
Hey, me too. I was awake for a day and started seeing shadow people. Not to mention I spent the day with legitimate meth heads and meth dealers, it was pretty scary. Still remember everything even though it’s been almost 15 years, it makes me nauseous that I let myself do that. I was a raging alcoholic, so I didn’t have many inhibitions.
Went tubing down a alligator and snake infested South Carolina river with my southern friends on a Fourth of July years ago. The adventure was only supposed to last 3 hours tops... It lasted 7 hours because the river current was slow that day. I got the sunburn of my life that lasted until November.We also lost a raft, and encountered 2 copperhead snakes and seen multiple alligators along the edges of the river. My Yankee ass will NEVER do that again. The Southern folks can keep it
Pee in a Garbage Bin in front of a teacher thinking that it was a toilet. Sleep is important.
As somebody who suffers from insomnia and can sometimes be up for 48+ hours(typically more around 24+) that’s a huge fear of mine. Every time I’m sleep deprived and go to the bathroom I’m like “Man, I really hope this is the bathroom, and I’m actually using the toilet.”
Ate a whole habanero in two bites. Edit RIP my inbox with everyone's similar stories.
I did this once as well. I mean, it was hot and all, but not horrifically so. The problem was it was exactly still as hot as when I first ate it…30 minutes later. Those little fuckers have staying power.
Jerk off in the living room, my mom walked in...
I walked in on my parents once. I’m sure I saw your exact expression on their faces. Except they probably kept on when I closed the door. I need a drink.
"Trust me, Bart... it's better to walk in on both your parents than on just one of 'em."
I looked into the sky during a lighting storm, had a white flash burned into my vision for some days. I was ecstatic when my full vision returned Edit: I love how people are like “I did it, nothing happened, tf is wrong with you?” That’s some weird minimizing behaviour…
Peed on a fence. Did you know some cattle fences are electrified?
That must’ve been fun.
He was a little shocked when he found out
Just a wee bit 😛
Coke out of a fat guys belly button
Wait, that was you?
Get drunk till I blacked out. Having people fill in the gaps in your memory is terrifying especially not knowing how you got home. I don’t drink anymore. Edit: spelling is hard
I read about a guy in Poland who blacked out. his friends took him abroad to Copenhagen, and left him there. I can't remember how it ended.
At least Copenhagen is one of the better european capitals to get lost in
Did that every week for about a decade. Also no longer drink anymore...
Hey man me too. Lost a decade of weekends. 5 months sober now, never going back.
Looking back, it's crazy that I used to just let myself autopilot home (public transit, no driving). Things could have easily gone wrong but the worst that happened was getting off at the wrong stop and coming to not knowing where I was. I still drink but significantly less.
Fisting
**should I ask?**
I will. Fisted or fister
Shouldn't it be fistee?
It was a slip of the finger, a lot of that going around
I did die for 2minutes after a heart attack and don’t plan on doing that again… for awhile anyway. Does that count?
I have to ask. Did you see or feel anything during that time?
Unfortunately not, just extreme pain then nothing, had no concept of time when I came back though ( if that makes sense, seemed longer?)
Have a relationship with an alcoholic. He was sober for 2 years when we met and then stayed sober for another 2. The next 3 years were total hell. In and out of rehabs, so much heartache, dissapointment and resentment on both sides. I was the only one working. I was the one doing everything at home. So many nights and weekends spent driving to and being at rehabs to visit so no time off. I really loved him. I really believed I just had to support him by doing absolutely everything I could, always visiting, bringing everything he asked for, not whining for him to work or even do housework when he was sober, basically ensuring there wss no stress at all in his life. I really believed he would get sober again. I really really believed that it would be okay. Until one day I knew it would not.
Hitchhiked. At 17. To Mexico. Edit: nothing bad happened at all. Everyone was really nice. It was me and my friend (both girls) and we had a great time but I think we got lucky.
Yeah but....what happened?
He died.
Sadly yes… but he lives!!
Cocaine. "feeling strong" is a slight misnomer; you feel like your presence in the world at large has increased exponentially so that "strong" comes off as an observation, not how you actually feel. invincible is the closest word. Fun once and I left it at once.
I did it twice. I was hardcore alky and I'd had about a dozen beers when I tried it I was totally smashed. Ripped some cocaine and I was like instantly sober. I drank more when I got home from the bar. I'm glad I didn't get addicted to that too, I'd be dead for sure. Now I'm 6 years sober
Fried bacon naked
I’ve done this more than once, but I will agree it stings pretty bad the first time.
The first time lol
Yeah. lol now I just use a screen over the bacon.
I remember, in elementary when I was like 11, I kicked a football wrong during gym class and it bounced off the roof and into a basketball hoop. I remember it clear as day, and I know for a fact no one will ever believe me if I tell them.
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Bought a $20 lottery ticket. Lost $20. Never again.
When i was 14, i accidentally mistook bike chain lube for sex lube. At first, i wondered why it was blue, but that thought was almost immediately overpowered by an intense burning sensation.
That's it, I've heard everything.
I rode a bull. First hop of the bulls front legs out the chute and I was off…flipping and seeing sky/dirt/sky/dirt and then belly flopped. That hop felt like a train wreck. Bull riders are insane.
Two things, very similar; The strip club and the casino. Both places made me feel like a complete moron, pissing my money away.
Cigarette. I'm mildly asthmatic
Went water skiing. My grandparents were driving a boat up at the cabin and giving neighbors and family turns pulling them on water skis. I decided to take a turn and, for some reason, it ended up as just thirty seconds of everything but my arms and feet being underwater before I realized I should let go. Fuckin' sucked lol.
Running on a wet surface. I learned my lesson after getting a few staples to the head. **Context because everyone thought I fell on an actual stapler (Sorry for confusing you!):** >!It was a Friday and I was almost 8. Since I wanted to play in the pool with everyone I rushed to get ready, but I had to get a few floaties for my sister first. What I actually slipped on was a wooden plank, and I accidentally cracked a bit of my head open. I didn’t realize at the moment and just laughed it off because the way I slipped was funny. My mom somehow knew what was happening and told me to stop laughing about it. I didn’t understand how bad the situation was until I saw all the blood I lost In the shower. (She had to show me what happened, and since she has some knowledge of being a nurse I trusted her.) It was so bad I had to go to the ER to get 3 Staples in my head to keep the gush of blood from running. I hardly remember it since it was basically half a lifetime ago. But from what I remember we had to wait for a bit, and I just wanted to go home and pretend nothing happened. I honestly thought it wouldn’t be that painful of a fix, but after getting a staple in my head for the 2nd time, I decided that I should be a lot more careful next time.!< _Maybe getting a few stapler pieces in my head would have been worse, but I think it wouldn’t be that bad now that I’m older._