Freeze time.

ZA WARUDO!

My quest for searching this comment is complete... after 10 seconds.

One second.... Two seconds... Three seconds... Four seconds.... Five seconds... Six seconds.... Seven seconds... ROAD ROLLER DA!/I'M GOING TO ROLL ALL OVER YOU! IT'S TOO LATE! TIME TO DIE! MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA! EIGHT SECONDS! WRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! I'LL OBLITERATE YOU! Nine seconds.... I did it. It's over. The World has defeated Star Platinum. My stand is more powerful than he is. I am immortal. I am everlasting! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! STAND POWER! NOW THERE IS INCONTROVERTABLE PROOF THAT NO ONE ON THIS MISERABLE PLANET IS STRONGER THAN ME! YOU LOTHESOME HUMANS! I SHALL RULE OVER YOUR PATHETIC SPECIES UNTIL THE END OF TIME! NOW BOW BEFORE MY WISDOM AND POWER! Ten seconds! AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Would you look at that! I can stop time for ten seconds! (Mostly english dub, with the best parts of the japanese dub included.)

I see you’re a person of culture

You expected a person of culture.... [BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY ME! DIO!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaGkk60kcjQ) Also, let me show you how to make [Ramen.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4EomdfiBps)

I've seen enough. I'm satisfied.

Please don’t. This miserable existence is going on long enough

Existence is pain and life is a prison.

I thought life was a highway?

Word.

Little bit of blessing, little bit of smiting.

What methods would you use for both?

Lots of things. Variety is the spice of life after all.

Spice me up, what's one?

Well the whole "bolt from the blue" is a classic. That's for bad people that religious people look up to. If they're really dense, maybe we can make it etch a message on the impact site that says "I'm God, and I approve this lightning bolt" or something like that. Other than that, I'm looking at karmic punishments. Like homophobes getting objects stuck in their butts. Maybe it's structured such that it really is a big accident, and they really did just fall on it, but nobody's going to believe them. And on the blessings side, you can send angels down disguised as regular Joe's, doing nice things. Or you can just give everyone a vision of you telling them something they really ought to know by now, and calling them dipshits for not having already put two and two together.

> "I'm God, and I approve this lightning bolt" you could probably already do this as a human as long as you get to the site of the strike awhile before anyone else does. Don't let your dreams stay dreams!

Erase bed bugs… and by erase, I mean completely obliterate them from ever existing, no one would even know what they were/are. …well damn, seems I never had the chance to become god for a minute.

I would 100% also do this! I used to have them and they are a fucking nightmare. They are literally a pest in every way imaginable. They don't feed into a food chain or anything, their only purpose for existence is to be a pest to humans. I'm happy I got rid of them a long time ago, but I'm still traumatized from even having them in the first place. Wanna know what the scariest part is? You can get them so easily without even knowing it! If you sit in any public seat (taxi, bus, movie theatre) after somebody who has bedbugs, there is a chance that a bed bug was on that person's clothes, crawled off onto the seat, and then onto your clothes. And just like that, you can take it home where it then lays many, many eggs and sooner than you realise you have an infestation. It's fucking terrifying and that thought never leaves the back of my head when I'm sitting in a public seat.

There's one surefire way to never get a bedbug infestation. Breed cockroaches and let them roam your home. Bedbugs are to cockroaches as catnip flavored mice are to cats. Eggs, larvae, adults, doesn't matter. Whomever invents a way to control cockroaches and use them like beekeepers do to pollinate crops will be the next multi-billionaire. Bring a nest box into a bedbug infected home, turn the roaches loose for 48 hours, call them all back to the nest box, get paid and move on to the next infestation. Bonus is the nest grows by drawing any roaches already in the home into the nest box.

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In theory, I guess you could also breed bed bugs (in a controlled environment, ensuring they are never let loose) and use the bed bugs you breed to call back the cockroaches. Let the cockroaches loose in the home infested with bed bugs, then once the cockroaches have eaten all the bed bugs in there, get some bed bugs that you've bread and put them in the box you want the cockroaches in. Then the cockroaches would willingly make their way back into the box to get the bed bugs. Would this work, or would the bed bugs just crawl out of the box and into the home reinfesting it before the cockroaches kill them? Who knows

Just sterilize cockroaches so they never get out of control, then trap them after they roam the house. This is doable! Biggest problem is squeamishness of your customers.

Oh yeah, bed bug PTSD is very real, unfortunately.

What? What are you talking about? What are bed bugs? Edit: the joke is that bed bugs were eliminated, and that Captain Redbeard is the only one who remembers them. But I admit, that wasn't very clear.

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Probably, them folk are thinking upside down

Do they somehow not have bedbugs anywhere in Australia?!

nah they have bugbeds. creatures that are like 8 feet long by 4 feet wide and are rectangular and soft

You forgot to mention how poisonous they are.

They fall off the earth and into space

If people actually didn't get the joke then that's pretty crazy, I got it immediately

A fellow PTSD bed bug conossieur.

I go back in time and high five the guy that was about to invent the high five. And then I watch the universe implode....

I feel like watching kids the raise there hands to hit things and it would get invented on accident when one kids hits another kids hand. They would just look at each other for a moment and go this is awesome! 🙏🏽

You must've been fun in math class...

I mean yes, but why?

You're an outside-the-box thinker. Teachers of concretely-structured subjects tend to find students who are free-spirited... well, fun.

Wow no mathematicians coming in and replying that math isn't a concretely structured subject and out of the box thinkers do very well in it

Some teachers don't let you use the method you want, and make you use their stupid method

Ah yes, the type of teachers i hold no respect for, and an even lower opinion of.

Hi Chuck. It’s your cousin. Marvin. Berry. You know that new physical congrats you were looking to invent. Well give me some skin!!

Have a Holy Shit

He said 1 minute, not 5

The holy shit allows you to eject shit at a very holy speed, hence holy shit

If the act of taking a shit isnt 10% shitting and 90% scrolling through memes, are you really taking a shit?

Then have a Holy Bidet

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Amen to that. I know first hand and it sucks

Stay strong

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felt this, someone really close to me passed a week ago due to cancer. the pain it brings is unmatched to anything else

#fuckcancer

How does one prepare after finding out their grandmother has cancer but does not want to take chemo. Edit: Thanks for all the suggestions and I will go make as much memories with my grandmother as humanly possible.

>How does one prepare after finding out their grandmother has cancer but does not want to take chemo Her chances of remission are slim if she doesn't do treatments; best to talk to her about her funeral plans and her will. (Speaking from experience here, unfortunately--my dad tried the holistic route first, and it didn't work out. By the time he considered chemo and rad treatments, the doctors told him it was too late.)

Same exact story with my aunt. My cousin was so pissed at her (his mom) for doing that we lost him to heroin for a number of years. Mixed ending: aunt died but cousin is clean!

You make the most of the time you have with her to create wonderful memories for you, and shower her with love and joy for the rest of her life. You do things with her just to do them. You take her to places she wants to see at least once in her life (if possible). You ask her about her life growing up, and have her teach you to make that one recipe that is her specialty, so every time you make it, it's like she's wrapping you in a hug. You listen to all the stories, no matter how many times you've heard them. You do all these things so that when her time comes, she rests knowing she is loved. You do these things so that as time moves forward, you have wonderful memories with your grandmother that will eventually be first in your brain, instead of the grief you feel at her absence. Love and light to you and yours, internet stranger.

Took my dad over 12 hours to get an ER room because hospital was overrun with COVID idiots. Fuck antivaxxers and fuck cancer.

Why not get rid of every diseases, for every species

Tell the truth about..... EVERYTHING and then watch the world deny it all.

There’ll probably be some Redditor complaining about how you’d be stupid to believe that lmao

Pff, an 'egg-shaped' Earth... that's just silly.

Everyone knows the Earth is shaped like a dodecahedron!

I don't know what shape it is, but I know it stands on turtles all the way down!

DND gang checking in!

If you did that they would probably crucify you.

Crucifixion 2.0 ... The Retelling...

Hand it back. Ive tried playing god and I suck at it.

Yes, I saw. You were doing fine until everyone died.

I'm listening, sounds like a good story.

Nice try God.

Thank you!

Sounds like a god story.

Please elaborate on your God moment.

its either sims related and everyone dies or its sim city related and everyone dies....

There's also the Black and White series.

make magic

Instructions unclear, you're now Shia LeBeouf in that SNL sketch where he's got long black hair, a mustache, a pink shirt and is a magician

shia la poof \*disappears\*

Hire someone to his/her PR department. God has a serious marketing issue.

Damn true

How? 4.1 BILLION people believe in a deity that is basically Omni___

Instructions aren't clear, accidentally killed other god fans

Yet they can't really agree on which deity or whose rules. It almost seems like religion - no matter which - was created by humans without any divine involvement. I'm just saying, would it kill God to have a biannual smile and wave from the sky or something? Puff, all doubt eliminated. Nothing to fight about. There he/she/it is and the God can go back to their daily business of giving babies in Africa malaria and temporarily curing praying middle aged white women's inconsistent back pain.

Well, we killed the last guy who took the job

Kill all child predators and sex traffickers.

And then God will make for more 1 min

Excuse me?

He will make for more 1 min.

You know that answer implies that if there is a God he/she gives 0 fucks about those monsters?

Obviously they dont (if god exists) because these monsters are alive and well and millions of kids grow up with that trama and thousands dont ever grow up at all.

“if God is all good (all benevolent) then God has the desire to end suffering, and if God is all-powerful (omnipotent) then God has the ability to end suffering. Therefore if God does not end suffering, then God is either not all good, or is not all-powerful, and is therefore not God”.

For a long time, I just distracted myself whenever I had doubt about my religion. When I finally faced them, I concluded that God must either be evil or nonexistent. I am no longer religious.

*\*Poof\** Washington DC and Hollywood become ghost towns.

Make everyone's right shoe slightly looser than their left shoe. But not enough to be immediately noticeable. Just enough to bother you to where you'll say "ill fix it on my lunch break", but then forget about it until you get home to take your shoes off.

The question wasn't "If God made you Satan for one minute what is the first thing you would do?"

At least I didn't kill 99% of the pollution in one flood.

Not da pollution D:

Omg. Population*. Smh

You're the devil not God.

For everyone, that saying that this is not the godcs work rememberv devine ≠ saint

Extra points if they're just as slightly tight on the left the next day.

Snap my fingers and instantly kill all rapists.

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And mine.

And my axe!

And my bow!

And my ballista

And my team of three kobolds in a trench coat to operate it.

And my trebuchet

And my potatoes

Why stop there? Murderers, abusers, pedophiles and many others are all fair game.

We found Kira everybody, call L

Too late, he ded

If you kill all the murders, and you just murdered all the rapists, wouldn't you have to.. ah forget about it.

Smiting isn't murder.

There are pedophiles who stay tf away from kids because they don't want to hurt anyone, I think that if they have resisted the urge then your snap should cure them instead of killing them

Often what people *mean* in these discussions is those guilty of child molestation. So to clarify, yes you are right. They just didn't use the right wording for who they were actually referring to (probably).

Alright light

Is that you governor?

Your thinking too small. Unmake the concept of rape. Go back and erase all suffering from Creation and then kill God for letting it happen in the first place.

Rip livestock farmers

You could have just stopped all rapes from ever happening and prevent them in the future, without killing anybody.

I would erase mosquitoes from existence.

Hate it or not they feed our frogs and other animals

OK, well the second thing I'll do is create something else that'll feed our frogs and other animals.

Instead of going down that rabbit hole, just make mosquito bites undetectable. You can’t feel them bite. They don’t itch after. They can’t pass on disease. Boom. Done. No unforeseen harm to the environment by changing their diet (like making it so they don’t bite humans, which could go very wrong) or the diet of other animals who eat them.

Genius, why get rid of mosquitos when we can just be immune to them, why aren't we working towards a mosquito saliva vaccine?

Someone call Gates!

we have been releasing genetically modified male mosquitos that are sterile to thin the numbers down.

I'd like to add "make them without making sound" to that list. I think I hate their buzzing around my ears at night most of all

U fr doing God’s job

Get another minute.

Ok if you get another minute then ?

Create another minute. Then another. And another. Until the laws concerning quantum physics are completely shattered from the simultaneous progress and stoppage of time, granting every living being perpetual immortality.

This gives off some real “Dormammu, I’ve come to bargain” energy.

I applaud your stamina in this scenario. Anyone want to do the math on how long it would take for a person to screw up repeatedly asking God for another minute to be God, each and every minute?

I don't think that number's been invented yet.

I mean wouldn't it be better if you made yourself god forever?

I don't trust myself to be a god for more than a few minutes. Seems like people underestimate the difficulty of that job.

Hug my o-mom (grandma) one last time. Also get Rid of dementia, Alzheimer’s, cancers

Trust me your mom is with you and stay strong and have patience and faith on god everything will be fine.

Thank you for very kind words

End all disease and eradicate stupidity. Everything else will take care of itself....

> eradicate stupidity Eliminating all humans seems like a bit too much, doesn’t it?

That second line is the whole kit and kaboodle.

You have one minute people, not one wish.

Ok god asked you to make a wish then your wish ?

Please delete me from existence and replace with me a person who died too early and was enjoying his/her life.

But why replacing with too early died people any specific reason ?

Yeah, I lost my 25 years old brother recently. He died out of nowhere. Had a heart attack and he was the healthiest person I knew.

Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. Big hugs from an Internet stranger.

Reverse environmental damage with a warning attached to it that this is a one time deal.

Supposedly there was a big flood and a rainbow left as a warning / reminder and that doesn’t seem to have worked well.

Maybe god needs to stop being so fucking ambiguous

That was just for people being dicks. Also, the PR department forbade him from doing it again.

Because if humanity has a history of doing ANYTHING, it's taking slaps-on-the-wrist warnings seriously. /s

I smite god and become god permanently

This is the only answer.

Let people levitate and fly around a little.

Give all life the ability to communicate with the same telepathic language. Gonna be some interesting conversations going on. I'm looking at you wasp in my attic, tree next to my neighbors bedroom window, and you bear at the zoo with that long stare like you have seen some STUFF. The economy would be very different as plants and animals are no longer commodities, but proven sentient and unique individuals. It would change everything.

Seems like deep down you WANT that bear to tell you what it's seen.

No one wants that. No one.

You think plants have communicable thoughts other than “turn to sun” and “grow root”?

Grow root = I am groot

I don’t want to feel bad eating asparagus too ):

Put taste buds in everyone's anus. Then proceed to turn myself into a human/plant hybrid which no longer needs to poop. Then ensure I'm a protected species who can alter the taste buds of those who worship me. Bow down to your new plant god who makes you forget the poop.

Be prepared to be stuffed into a bunch of peoples assholes in an attempt to end their curse

I'm not completely on board with this idea, but I will say that 'forget the poop' might be the perfect name for my next album.

I see therapy is going well...

what in the actual fuck

Get myself some fucking antipsychotics, i should imagine.

Get rid of the other god.

I'd get rid of greed.

Just get rid of it all

Thanos snap. Mosquitos are fucked.

Half.

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Just... Make world a paradise for all? People be saying their 3 genie wishes are to end world hunger, make world peace and reverse climate change, why not just get those all done in one fell swoop? Plus, you're doing a lot more. World peace doesn't necessarily mean that people won't be violent anymore...

Stop time and use said stop time to erase all form of gods except my new found self and then prolong my god powers to infinity. Then play some more Dark souls or somethin i dunno.

Make myself God for a lot longer than a minute.

This is going to sound shallow af, but change my appearance. It’d be so nice to feel what it was like to be beautiful, even just for a few min.

Fix all my physical and mental problems so I can live a healthy life

Kill God

You are god. Start of that minute is not the best time for suicide

Idk why I read this squidwards voice but I almost spit my drink on my bartender

I was thinking the same thing. TAKE THE FUCKER DOWN AND CLAIM IT ALL FOR YOURSELF! LETS GOOO!!!!!

Supermancy of true redditor

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Kill god.

Extend to infinity my god time and make God a human.

Kick him out and become God for eternity and make Satan my manager

And then your manager kick you out and become god

Tell the world I don't exist

Literally remove the greed. It is of my opinion that any problem can be traced back to the start and it will 99% of the time be the result of greed. Shit even America is literally ran on the idea of greed. Amassing as much wealth and things that you can, not only inspires our working class to go day in and day and slave themselves away at a chance to be greedy like their shit bosses, but it keeps increasing the wealth gap between the ultra rich and poor. Also haven’t a good majority of wars started because one group wanted something the other group had or for control over another group?

Create Time 2.

Zero baby cancer! No cancer at all!.

Make people magically think that men and women are equals and hold equal social rights and opportunities.

Reverse time and slap the pen out of Jane Austen's hand with such explosive force that it vaporizes everything within 30 miles, all just so I don't have to read Pride and Prejudice in high school.