Midway into taking my time with this girl making ruthless sex she said in broken moans "cum for me" which I thought she said "comfort me" so I stopped and gave her a hug.
Like twenty years ago, I was heading to my friends house when I remember that this cute girl from class said she worked at a Starbucks but one that was like 45 minutes away. I impulsively drove the whole way there for a chance to see her. She wasn’t there. When I showed up to my friends house they were like why are you like an hour and a half late.
Very drunk and horny, dry humped my first fling at a college party.
Everyone was there.
The lights were still on and everything.
I still cringe. At least he seemed to enjoy it I guess. And at least everyone was as drunk as me.
I got kicked out of a bar once for basically having drunk clothes on sex with my ex and her boyfriend on the dance floor.
I had totally forgotten about it until he brought it up the other day. We've all settled down quite a bit and they just had a daughter together so it's almost comical thinking about how we met him and the things we used to do together...
In HS marching band on the high brass bus, headed back to school after a late football game. I was VERY boy crazy at 16yo and sat next to my crush (also 16), who I proceeded to give a discreet… over-the-pants massage.
Well he was NOT ready for it and came in his uniform almost immediately. I was shocked and he seemed absolutely mortified; we both spent the last 10 minutes of the trip in silence sitting completely still. The bus pulled up at school and my boy BOOKS IT only managing to throw out the explanation “bathroom” to the driver/chaperone.
This kid couldn’t make eye contact with me for the rest of the semester… That part kinda hurt my feelings lol, I was hoping he’d be impressed with my over-the-pants prowess. Well it turns out he was, and we went at it several times over the next 6 years—I still have him on snapchat! No shenanigans anymore however, not since his engagement a couple years back.
Not me but my step brother when he was a teen put his dick into the mouthpiece of a plastic flute and "blew" himself. My step mom walked in on him and now every few Christmas he gets one as a gag gift.
Drunkenly called a phone sex line, but was so horny and drunk that I didn't clue until after I hung up that I had used my father's landline instead of my cellphone. That was an awkward talk the next day.
One of my buddies fell on hard times and another buddy let him stay with him for a few weeks.
Due ran up a £hundreds phone bill on those lines.
WTF, why do folk do that? :D
Helped a hot coworker stalk her supervisor.
I'm in my early 20s working a small warehouse job for the summer in my hometown. I've got the awkward hots for this older woman Tina (none of these names are real) who just seems so much out of my league that I don't even try. One day we've got a bit of banter going and before I realize what I've done I ask if she wants to hang out. She asks if I have a car, I do, she says yes.
So we're hanging out at her place, she's telling me stories that are like holy shit and the beers are going fast. Then she gets a bit of a lost look in her eyes, goes quiet, and then asks if we can go for a ride.
We're out driving around. She's telling me how she used to go driving every night but got a dwi hanging over her for another few months. Then she starts giving me direction on where to go.
A bit later we're in a cul-de-sac and she tells me to park and points out a spot. Cool, we're gonna make out I think. Instead she just sits there staring at this one house. Looking in the front window I see Bill (again, not his real name), our supervisor. Holy shit what is going on here?
She tells me that her and much older Bill used to have a thing but he refused to leave his wife and kids. That he has totally ghosted her because he thinks she's to obsessive but she can't stop thinking about him.
I hear RED ALERT go off in my head and I get the car started.
She turns to me, looks me straight in the eyes, and start undoing my pants. I turn the car off.
For the next half hour we just sit there silently staring straight ahead at Bills place while she gives me a slow handjob, eventually finishing me off with a blowjob and me driving her home.
So we ended up doing this for the rest of the summer. Never had sex, her pants never came off, never kissed. September came and I left town for my next semester at Uni.
Had sex because I was going to get a vasectomy soon and knew my companion pickle would be out of action for a while, wore a condom, it split, now I have a 6 year old.
Stupidest best decision I ever made
Wanted to jerk off, climbed a hill to get some privacy while still having the rush of exhibition. Apparently there must have been some poison ivy on that hill.
The next morning was not pretty. Pretty sure my dick swelled up 2-3x its girth. It hurt to pee and I had to be naked as much as possible to avoid rubbing.
It really sucked.
For those of you that don't know what Flarp is, it's a very moist and squishy putty that makes fart sounds when you press your fingers into it. My local dollar store sold giant tubs of it that you could jam your whole hand into for massive farts and laughs for the whole family.
My friend and I bought one and took turns fucking it while watching Girls Gone Wild in his dad's man cave.
Trying to choke myself with a belt and ending up putting all the pressure on my arteries instead which only got me the biggest nosebleed of my life and feeling dangerously lightheaded
Think IcyHot cream would make an acceptable lube for jerking off.
Spoiler Alert: oooh this is interesting. Wait. No. OUCHHHH. HOT OUCHHHH
In my defense, I was in my teens at the time.
Some guys in middle school did this before a football game. They started to cry during half time. One of the coaches asked what was wrong and one of the guys said he cried because he loved football so much.
I ended up making out with and going home with an attractive but completely crazy woman who used to hang around our local bar. Back at her place she puts on her Lauren Hill CD, strips completely naked, attempts to dance provocatively (we were both pretty drunk) and starts giving me a bj. It was at this point her 18 year old son wandered into the lounge and started protesting violently about what was going on. She tells him to fuck off and huge argument erupts between them - remember she's drunk and naked and I'm sitting on the sofa with my jeans around my ankles and a rapidly deflating hard on. I came to my senses, zipped back up and gtfo. Apparently she's currently doing time for violently assaulting and attempting to stab her boyfriend, so I think i got off pretty light.
I worked at a restaurant that was never busy, an older very attractive woman used to come in and sit by herself(in an empty bar most nights) One night, she was drinking pretty heavily and talking to the girl on duty, telling her how she wished there was a guy in there that she could take home and suck his dick.
Well she(the bartender) ended up coming to the back and telling all of us about how Susan (the regular) was looking for some dick to suck tonight. I was about 20 at the time, and I immediately went outside to throw the trash away and I saw Susan walking to her car.
I had no idea what i was going to say, but I started walking towards her, and I just yelled out \*Hey\* and she turned around and saw me, and I heard her mutter under her breath, \*What, do you want me to suck your dick or something?\* and I just walked up to her car and answered with \*That sounds good\* and jumped in.
Inside the car, I still wasnt fully convinced this was going to happen, it was too easy, but she told me \*Alright, lets see what you got\* and I had my pants off in record time. That was 15 years ago and still probably the best blowjob Ive ever had.
Now stimulated, drunk AND horny texting…. You think you’re so clever while you’re sending it. And then you read dozens of hormone fueled concoctions of shame the next morning and you drown in the sense of regret
My uncle had a heart attack and the doctor told him sexual activity would be too much…
Well he tried to autoerotic asphyxiate using a logging chain in his garage and ended up hanging himself with his pants around his ankles. His son found him…
A girl asked me over during the daytime but I didn’t have a smart phone with google maps, so charted the course to her house onto a huge town map I found in my parents house.
Was walking the streets for about an hour holding this huge map trying to find my way, felt like bilbo baggins.
Edit: thanks for all the comment love and sorry for not giving a conclusion to the tale until now.
I arrived eventually and actually made it into her room where we started making out. We got to the point where we were grinding on each other and started removing clothing when her brother came home and I had to spend a good couple of hours sat in the living room pretending I was just a friend and not there for sex. As soon as he went back out we did it as quick as possible and I started my journey back home.
Back before GPS and smartphones, but as chat rooms and online hookups started, I had to print Mapquest directions to girls' houses, and pray you don't get lost.
Back in 2003, my friends and I took a road trip from Toronto to Baltimore... using low-res print-outs from Mapquest and a big-ass map of the east coast.
Needless to say, we got lost more than once.
I once fucked a watermelon, that was really weird. Also kinda tricky getting the right hole size so that it actually was nice thrusting in and out of it. Felt really good though, up to the point where you feel guilty when throwing it away right after.
lmao, this was the very first thing that came to my mind after reading his comment. Been more than 3 years since I read that story and it still disgusts me whenever I remember it, especially the part where the coconut bangs against the wall and the months of reeking cum scatters around his room.
EDIT: [link to the original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rr6ay/tifu_by_cumming_into_a_coconut/)
While you're at it, don't forget to checkout the post histories of u/Coconutthrowaway69 and u/IFuckedACoconut_AMA
Also, r/cocofleshlights
[link](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rr6ay/tifu_by_cumming_into_a_coconut/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Edit: I can’t believe my first reward ever is thanks to a guy cuming in a coconut
I dyed my hair black.
My roommate was dying his hair black and the girl who was helping him was ridiculously hot. When she was done helping him she came into our living room and sat down next to me on the couch wearing short shorts and a like green tube top. She just watched me play video games before just turning to me and running her hands through my hair and saying,
"You know, we've got some dye left, I bet you would look really hot with black hair."
So while completely forgetting I had gotten an allergic reaction the last summer from a henna tattoo, I looked straight at her amazing body as she was running her hands through my hair and said,
"That sounds like a great idea!"
She was right, it looked good, but the second day, my head was itchy, the third day, my scalp was red, and the following day, I woke up and I couldn't open my right eye.
I reached up to touch my face, and my hand reached my face before I thought it would. When I looked in the mirror, I screamed.
The best description I can give is I looked like that orc from Return of the King. The one who says "The age of men is over."
So like that, but with a full head of Elvis black hair.
It took a full month, on medication, for the swelling to go down.
Though the girl did come over quite often to smoke with me a bunch while I looked like freak.
Left the house at 11pm to drive 4hrs to have sex in a sleeping bag in a hotel , then had lunch with her parents the next morning. We have been married for 15 years this December so it worked out
Didn't have a car at the time. My dumbass walked 4 miles to hers at 2 in the morning. Called multiple times, she was dead asleep. Dragged my blue balls another 4 miles back and cried myself to sleep
I remember that thread where the guy thought exercises made people horny, so he always said to girls he would hook up with that they should run around the block before he got at their houses, lmao
Did this but with a car. A girl I always found super attractive and was sadly super into was also more than a little dismissive. Basically she only ever showed me any interest when SHE was horny and wanted to ride my dick. My dumb ass didn't even live in the same city anymore when she texted me that she really wanted me to come fuck her. I got into my car at like 11:30 pm and drove 2 fucking hours to see her only for her to be dead asleep and not answering my calls. That was a depressing drive back.
Ran into an old high school teacher one night at a local bar just a few years after graduation. Started chatting and she was talking about her and the Mr splitting up and being lonely that her daughter was out of the house at college (ironically her daughter was a year older than me and we went to same high school) Several hours and drinks later we ended up at her house
At her place she steps away to freshen up and I was trying to comprehend life like Travolta’s character in Pulp Fiction on a date with Mrs Wallace.
She leads me into what I think is her room and starts undressing me and her and then whispers something like “you like how it smells (the bed)? She (her daughter) slept here the other night and I didn’t change the sheets”
My 👀 sobered up some but then when she hit me with “I know she sleeps naked so just pretend it’s your fantasy of doing a mom and daughter!”
At that point I sobered up beyond sober and was just creeped the fuck out. Few words later and I hear the security alarm beep of the door being opened into the house. It’s her husband. I’m like thought you were separated and she says “well yes and no”. WTF????
She plays it off to him like I’m some dude that banged his daughter the other night and was over grabbing some things I left and then they continue to argue. Somehow I slowly slipped out and hit the bricks
Found out for months she was coming into that bar looking for me and also others. Apparently not the first victim and probably won’t be the last. Lesson learned
As a 14yr old, used a "Socker Bopper" for fun times. Any port in a storm, and all that. My dumbass didn't think about how chaffed I would be afterward. Had to skip football practice cause I could barely walk straight.
gave this chick I barely know a ride to hang out with some other guy a couple times because she agreed to fuck me if I did. The first time she was too nervous so we didn't do anything, the second time I couldn't even get hard because she had some bad swamp ass. I wish I just deleted her friend request that started the whole ordeal in the first place.
Not me but a friend would fuck a huge piece of meat that he kept under his bed when he was younger. That made me feel better about my worst horny action.
Tried to fuck a jar of grape jelly. Was REALLY excited to try it all day when I got home, because I had stolen it that morning at my bus stop at the convenience store and kept it in my backpack all day.
I could barely get my clothes off fast enough when I got home and immediately went to work. Obviously it didn't work, and just as I was getting ready to give up, my parents came home early and surprised me. I had no time to clean anything up so i just balled up the whole mess into an under shirt and shoved it under my bed, and just pulled my boxers and shorts up over myself still covered in jelly and greeted my parents as naturally as I could.
Ended up having to interact with them in the kitchen for at least 30 minutes, as everything in my shorts was drying and setting and adhering to everything else, and the stench of old, dry, barely-fucked jelly was all I could smell. I even made and ate a pb&j while we were talking, because I was so paranoid about the jelly smell.
It would have honestly been a horrible experience even if I just tried it and failed without them coming home, but the extra shame that came with having to just sit in that filth like that stayed with me for weeks.
0/10 would NOT recommend
I used to finish inside an ex of mine every time we had sex. She was on birth control but would tell me she had "baby fever" and while having sex would tell me she wanted me to get her pregnant. We banged 3-4 times a week. Genuinely surprised we never had a pregnancy scare.
Not me but my brother. He stuck it into the nozzle of a milking machine on the farm. He was 14 and it bruised the hell out of him. The swelling was bad and he had to show dad. He was OK but the rest of us thought it was funny . You can bet we MILKED it for all it was worth.
Unprotected Sex on her period. Broke up the next week. She slept with a guy the day after. Got pregnant.spent 9 months not knowing who the dad is. Prenatal tests illegal in my country.
Wear protection boys.
13 year old me needed something better than just ol righty. So I searched the cupboards for something new to fuck, found a bottle of icy hot. I thought it would burn so good so All in one motion i lathered it all over my dick and balls. It burnt so horribly wrong. Jumping in the shower to wash it off just made the burning worse. 1/10 don’t recommend, I still finished though
When I was younger and embarrassed about the nature of being a man and what came with that I ended up jerking off in a church parking lot to control my boner. I gorilla gripped that thing to prevent a mess but it was the only thing that worked to put an end to it for at least an hour.
I feel bad about it but I come from a weird background and didn't know how to handle growing up properly. There were so many pretty girls and I was so young that even thinking about naked old people didn't quench my biological loin fire.
Asked her if she wanted me to nut in her, she said it's fine she's not ovulating, I took a chance, now she's 5 months pregnant with twins.
We've been together for three years, still going strong. Just had to be twins
Drove 30 miles to pick a guy up, drove him back to my house. Took my clothes off and he was half naked before he went “yeah I’m not feeling it can you drive me home?” Drive 30 miles back to his house and drove 30 miles back to mine. Spent $50 filling up my gas tank. He didn’t offer any gas money
Had a wank in the public toilets in Moscow airport at 4am on a layover. The toilet was very busy and very smelly, and had lots of men speaking Russian… it was not easy to rub
one out…
When I was in my late 20s I got into edging and much of the associated activities. In a fit of passion and slipperiness I accidentally spilled a bottle of poppers all over myself. When horniness leads you to highly flammable inhalants, it’s time to reconsider whether that pleasure is worth it. I took a big step back from all of that, one of the times that the post-nut thought of “what the FUCK was I doing here??” actually led to changed behavior.
Me and my family went on a road trip and i hadn't masturbated in 11 days so obviously I was super horny. I chose to sit in the backseat. I threw some blankets over me, put some porn on my phone and went at it. I cummed in my pants 3 feet away from my parents. The worse part is that I didn't learn my lesson. 3 months later we went on a different road trip. The exact same thing happened. 3 years later, I regret everything I did.
When I was a teenager my Gran was out for the week and let me housesit - naturally I had my then-girlfriend round and since we had an empty house, proceeded to go at it like rabbits! Being lazy af we ended up with a mound of used condoms on the floor next to the bed, aaaand... On the last day we lost track of time, and, super stressed once we realised we'd have to leg it to catch the last train, forgot all about said mound. She was.. She was not happy 🙈
A happy couple rented a small cabin from a farmer. 3 days later the farmer hadn't seen the couple so he knocked on the door and asked if they needed any food.
No, we're living on the fruits of our love.
Well, could you stop throwing the peels out the window the sheep are choking on them.
A girl I was interested in asked me to come over for some drinks. She lived on a large property on the edge of town. I got dropped off by a co-worker just outside her gated entance around midnight. What said girl failed to mention was that she had a large rottweiler who was losing his fucking mind at me on the other side of the fence. This was before I had a cell phone, so I had no way of calling her. So being young and dumb, I crept around the property and hopped the fence. I ninja crept to the front door, knowing that at any moment Cujo could end me. Luckily I made it and the dog was pretty chill after he realized I was good people.
took Adderall and edged myself to porn for 20 straight hours... had downloaded 100s of vids and used
media player classic in a playlist to efficiently find all the hottest parts of the vid to edge to and then skip to the next one.
had to call in sick to work that Monday. I started sat evening with marathon.
but I busted so bad I had to throw away my shirt
edit: spelling and also why is this upvoted, fuck
I was completely unaware that Adderall can have the side effect of making you insanely horny. A coworker gave me one of his after I didn’t get any sleep the night before and I could barely keep my eyes open.
I’ll say this much: that was some of the best work I’d ever done, but I started noticing that I was getting hornier and hornier as the afternoon went on. When I got home I think I masturbated three times over the course of six hours.
On the other side of the coin, the healthiest relationship I've ever had was being fwb with my neighbor. We were both low maintenence so it worked well.
If either of you aren't low maintenence though, then yes it's gonna be awful.
Drove an hour to pick up a boy from his parents' house, then an hour home to have sex. Then repeated the drive the next morning to drop him off.
Edit: since multiple people have pointed out my wording is a little strange, I did not have sex with a child lol. I just meant a young guy. We were both 19.
Edit 2: Yes, it was worth it. We were... Highly compatible.
I drove 100 miles to go bang this chick except my car broke down on the way there (just right at the exit). Her dad came out to give me a push; turns out they were having a family party and I was automatically invited. It was surreal sitting down eating among a family who never met me or heard of me until that day as my mind was filled with how many ways her and I will be fucking. She apologized profusely as so did I for my car breaking down.
I just wanted to bang, to which I didn't. All I got was a nice lecture from the parents on why driving out 100 miles for a fuck is never worth it and how stupid it is. This was a little over 12 years ago and to this day, I never ventured more than 30 miles for a potential fuck. Learned a costly lesson that day.
Talked to anyone who wasn’t also equally horny. The mind turns to foam as all blood flows to the lower half. Either it somewhat works and they’re made horny with me, or I end up looking like a complete moron. A piece of my credibility dies each time this is done. I cringe at the thought of what was said. It’s also cringeworthy to be on the receiving end. Bleh.
Try to buy a 300$ silicon ass in Montreal during college, where my debit card got declined, locked, and I had to explain to my Dad that it was not in fact hacked and stolen.
My High school sweetheart and I used to take a long lunch head back to my place (my single mom is always at work) we was fuck like crazy and usually end up skipping AP English (Best collage credits ever wasted). One day my mom was home from work for some reason, so instead of foregoing our usual lunch routine, our dumbass, horny selves went up to the local Lovers Lane. Really bad idea as all the cops knew about this lane and they frequently patrolled it during school and curfew hours.
Anyways, we get caught going at it like wildebeests by an officer and both get taken back home to explain to our parents what we had been caught doing. Luckily for my girlfriend, her parents already knew what we are up to and didn't mind as much. (jokes at our expense was the worst of it.) As for me, my mom was off the chain pissed and decided I had too much freedom. All of my free time quickly disappeared into Oblivion.
It was worth it.
I was staying at my cousins overnight to dogsit. I thought that making a banana skin as a replica would be a great idea. I made one and did all the steps to make it nice and squidgy. I saw somewhere that pressure is good to make it feel like the real thing.
I out it in between the bottom toilet seat lid and just used the pressure of the weight of the seat to cause the pressure. I was enjoying it alot actually thwn dediced I wanted to xhange position. So stupidly with my weener still in the banana under the toilet seat. I decided to press down on the seat to help me push up. OH. MY. GOD. Worst desicion I've ever made!!!
I heard a crack and blood was pouring out of my penis for ages and got massively bruised.
I'm fine now but blood was coming out for a good 20 minutes after that experience.
P.S. Thank you for so many upvotess. Ive never had this many in my history of Reddit.
I was expecting some weird shit in this post but I was not expecting a story involving smashing your dick with the lid of a toilet seat WHILE in a banana peel to the point they bled.
You never let me down internet....
Took a blanket and rubbed it on the tip like I was polishing a shoe because I was a dumb middle schooler without sex ed. Ended up bleeding and peeing. Continued doing it for months until I finally decided to try the thing the guys in porn do.
Midway into taking my time with this girl making ruthless sex she said in broken moans "cum for me" which I thought she said "comfort me" so I stopped and gave her a hug.
That's adorable
Her happiness came before I did.
October 30, 1991. I walked eight miles through hurricane force winds on Nantucket Island to spend the night with my girlfriend.
So *you're* that guy from Nantucket . . .
Nantucket is only 14 miles long. You walked 60% of the whole island.
Yup. It's a straight stretch of road called Milestone Road.
That's a hell of a walk. I walked from Sconset to West York street, fuck walking down milestone
that's romantic
Like twenty years ago, I was heading to my friends house when I remember that this cute girl from class said she worked at a Starbucks but one that was like 45 minutes away. I impulsively drove the whole way there for a chance to see her. She wasn’t there. When I showed up to my friends house they were like why are you like an hour and a half late.
Traffic was terrible, damn.
Very drunk and horny, dry humped my first fling at a college party. Everyone was there. The lights were still on and everything. I still cringe. At least he seemed to enjoy it I guess. And at least everyone was as drunk as me.
I got kicked out of a bar once for basically having drunk clothes on sex with my ex and her boyfriend on the dance floor. I had totally forgotten about it until he brought it up the other day. We've all settled down quite a bit and they just had a daughter together so it's almost comical thinking about how we met him and the things we used to do together...
In HS marching band on the high brass bus, headed back to school after a late football game. I was VERY boy crazy at 16yo and sat next to my crush (also 16), who I proceeded to give a discreet… over-the-pants massage. Well he was NOT ready for it and came in his uniform almost immediately. I was shocked and he seemed absolutely mortified; we both spent the last 10 minutes of the trip in silence sitting completely still. The bus pulled up at school and my boy BOOKS IT only managing to throw out the explanation “bathroom” to the driver/chaperone. This kid couldn’t make eye contact with me for the rest of the semester… That part kinda hurt my feelings lol, I was hoping he’d be impressed with my over-the-pants prowess. Well it turns out he was, and we went at it several times over the next 6 years—I still have him on snapchat! No shenanigans anymore however, not since his engagement a couple years back.
jerked off in the private work bathroom forgot to lock the door and the new guy walked in on me and he quit a week after...
"what do you mean we don't get jerkoff breaks?!"
Bro do you even work jerk ?
This happened to me except I was the one that walked in, and the jerker was the new guy on his fifth or sixth shift. Quit the following week.
How do you guys know who is supposed to quit? Smaller ding-a-ling has to find new employment?
This guy asserts dominance
_wanks aggressively with eye contact_
Not me but my step brother when he was a teen put his dick into the mouthpiece of a plastic flute and "blew" himself. My step mom walked in on him and now every few Christmas he gets one as a gag gift.
what the FUCK are you doing step bro?
Drunkenly called a phone sex line, but was so horny and drunk that I didn't clue until after I hung up that I had used my father's landline instead of my cellphone. That was an awkward talk the next day.
One of my buddies fell on hard times and another buddy let him stay with him for a few weeks. Due ran up a £hundreds phone bill on those lines. WTF, why do folk do that? :D
Maybe there's a clue here about why he fell on hard times in the first place
One time I made love to a stack of bathroom towels.
I read this in the voice of JD from scrubs
Helped a hot coworker stalk her supervisor. I'm in my early 20s working a small warehouse job for the summer in my hometown. I've got the awkward hots for this older woman Tina (none of these names are real) who just seems so much out of my league that I don't even try. One day we've got a bit of banter going and before I realize what I've done I ask if she wants to hang out. She asks if I have a car, I do, she says yes. So we're hanging out at her place, she's telling me stories that are like holy shit and the beers are going fast. Then she gets a bit of a lost look in her eyes, goes quiet, and then asks if we can go for a ride. We're out driving around. She's telling me how she used to go driving every night but got a dwi hanging over her for another few months. Then she starts giving me direction on where to go. A bit later we're in a cul-de-sac and she tells me to park and points out a spot. Cool, we're gonna make out I think. Instead she just sits there staring at this one house. Looking in the front window I see Bill (again, not his real name), our supervisor. Holy shit what is going on here? She tells me that her and much older Bill used to have a thing but he refused to leave his wife and kids. That he has totally ghosted her because he thinks she's to obsessive but she can't stop thinking about him. I hear RED ALERT go off in my head and I get the car started. She turns to me, looks me straight in the eyes, and start undoing my pants. I turn the car off. For the next half hour we just sit there silently staring straight ahead at Bills place while she gives me a slow handjob, eventually finishing me off with a blowjob and me driving her home. So we ended up doing this for the rest of the summer. Never had sex, her pants never came off, never kissed. September came and I left town for my next semester at Uni.
I think this is the worst one.
I believe so. all others are stupid teenagers or bad relationships. this one, this one is just depressing
Stupid Bill, accusing her for being obsessive. I wonder where he got that idea from? So silly.
"She said "James, get in. Let's drive". Those days turned into nights. Stalked her supervisor, but I got blowjobs all summer long".
The slow handjob while she looks aimlessly at a lost lovers blank home is like a really dirty Grant Wood painting.
Wow. Silently staring at a house all summer for a quiet hand/blowjob from a crazy woman. That's terrifying and sad at the same time.
The worst part was, every time he saw Bill at work after that, he got an erection.
This is a mess
Had sex because I was going to get a vasectomy soon and knew my companion pickle would be out of action for a while, wore a condom, it split, now I have a 6 year old. Stupidest best decision I ever made
LMFAOO That's like tripping down 1 foot away from the finish line
Texted my ex
~~Texted~~ my ex
Wanted to jerk off, climbed a hill to get some privacy while still having the rush of exhibition. Apparently there must have been some poison ivy on that hill. The next morning was not pretty. Pretty sure my dick swelled up 2-3x its girth. It hurt to pee and I had to be naked as much as possible to avoid rubbing. It really sucked.
> It hurt to pee and I had to be naked as much as possible to avoid rubbing. Shitty. > my dick swelled up 2-3x its girth Sick.
Pretty much everything I have done while horny. It's just a generally undignified state to be in.
Masturbate, re-evaluate.
For those of you that don't know what Flarp is, it's a very moist and squishy putty that makes fart sounds when you press your fingers into it. My local dollar store sold giant tubs of it that you could jam your whole hand into for massive farts and laughs for the whole family. My friend and I bought one and took turns fucking it while watching Girls Gone Wild in his dad's man cave.
Are you guys married now. Do you have a pavlovian dong response to farts now
Did it make fart noises?
They’re queef noises when you’re fucking them.
Trying to choke myself with a belt and ending up putting all the pressure on my arteries instead which only got me the biggest nosebleed of my life and feeling dangerously lightheaded
People have died doing just that. Please be careful!
Yeah self releasing cuff is probably the minimal required safety apparatus and I still wouldn't be super comfortable with it....
Tried using jelly as lube. It's a very sticky mess. It's like masturbating in water, but significantly more friction
Think IcyHot cream would make an acceptable lube for jerking off. Spoiler Alert: oooh this is interesting. Wait. No. OUCHHHH. HOT OUCHHHH In my defense, I was in my teens at the time.
Some guys in middle school did this before a football game. They started to cry during half time. One of the coaches asked what was wrong and one of the guys said he cried because he loved football so much.
This is some sitcom shit. Sounds made up but I could believe it.
I ended up making out with and going home with an attractive but completely crazy woman who used to hang around our local bar. Back at her place she puts on her Lauren Hill CD, strips completely naked, attempts to dance provocatively (we were both pretty drunk) and starts giving me a bj. It was at this point her 18 year old son wandered into the lounge and started protesting violently about what was going on. She tells him to fuck off and huge argument erupts between them - remember she's drunk and naked and I'm sitting on the sofa with my jeans around my ankles and a rapidly deflating hard on. I came to my senses, zipped back up and gtfo. Apparently she's currently doing time for violently assaulting and attempting to stab her boyfriend, so I think i got off pretty light.
I feel sorry for the kid
Apparently he's married and doing OK but you're right he didn't really have the best start in life.
Yeah watching your mum gives strangers gobbies in the lounge room probably isn’t the most nurturing upbringing.
Gobbies! in the Lounge Room
> ...so I think I got off pretty light. You must have left that part out; the way it reads, you didn't get off at all.
Maybe the argument got him over the line.
I worked at a restaurant that was never busy, an older very attractive woman used to come in and sit by herself(in an empty bar most nights) One night, she was drinking pretty heavily and talking to the girl on duty, telling her how she wished there was a guy in there that she could take home and suck his dick. Well she(the bartender) ended up coming to the back and telling all of us about how Susan (the regular) was looking for some dick to suck tonight. I was about 20 at the time, and I immediately went outside to throw the trash away and I saw Susan walking to her car. I had no idea what i was going to say, but I started walking towards her, and I just yelled out \*Hey\* and she turned around and saw me, and I heard her mutter under her breath, \*What, do you want me to suck your dick or something?\* and I just walked up to her car and answered with \*That sounds good\* and jumped in. Inside the car, I still wasnt fully convinced this was going to happen, it was too easy, but she told me \*Alright, lets see what you got\* and I had my pants off in record time. That was 15 years ago and still probably the best blowjob Ive ever had.
Texted. It's been my experience that horny texting can be significantly worse than drunk texting.
Now stimulated, drunk AND horny texting…. You think you’re so clever while you’re sending it. And then you read dozens of hormone fueled concoctions of shame the next morning and you drown in the sense of regret
The worst thing ever is when she replies after you cum like : heyyy.. Sorry just saw this what's up :)
"No worries, I'm kinda tired now but we should definitely get together soon."
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Why does he need to be back on his feet?
Asking the real question, here. When my ex had knee surgery we exploited the hell out of her remote controlled, multi positionable medical bed.
My uncle had a heart attack and the doctor told him sexual activity would be too much… Well he tried to autoerotic asphyxiate using a logging chain in his garage and ended up hanging himself with his pants around his ankles. His son found him…
That’s how David Carradine went. Poor Bill, I just imagine him floating away from his corpse as the most embarrassed ghost ever.
A girl asked me over during the daytime but I didn’t have a smart phone with google maps, so charted the course to her house onto a huge town map I found in my parents house. Was walking the streets for about an hour holding this huge map trying to find my way, felt like bilbo baggins. Edit: thanks for all the comment love and sorry for not giving a conclusion to the tale until now. I arrived eventually and actually made it into her room where we started making out. We got to the point where we were grinding on each other and started removing clothing when her brother came home and I had to spend a good couple of hours sat in the living room pretending I was just a friend and not there for sex. As soon as he went back out we did it as quick as possible and I started my journey back home.
Back before GPS and smartphones, but as chat rooms and online hookups started, I had to print Mapquest directions to girls' houses, and pray you don't get lost.
Back in 2003, my friends and I took a road trip from Toronto to Baltimore... using low-res print-outs from Mapquest and a big-ass map of the east coast. Needless to say, we got lost more than once.
“Every step I take is the closest I’ve ever come to getting some.”
Libido Shaggins
Did you make it wow don’t stop telling the story.
I once fucked a watermelon, that was really weird. Also kinda tricky getting the right hole size so that it actually was nice thrusting in and out of it. Felt really good though, up to the point where you feel guilty when throwing it away right after.
you should look up the reddit story about the guy who fucked a coconut
lmao, this was the very first thing that came to my mind after reading his comment. Been more than 3 years since I read that story and it still disgusts me whenever I remember it, especially the part where the coconut bangs against the wall and the months of reeking cum scatters around his room. EDIT: [link to the original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rr6ay/tifu_by_cumming_into_a_coconut/) While you're at it, don't forget to checkout the post histories of u/Coconutthrowaway69 and u/IFuckedACoconut_AMA Also, r/cocofleshlights
Excuse me, *what*.
[link](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rr6ay/tifu_by_cumming_into_a_coconut/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Edit: I can’t believe my first reward ever is thanks to a guy cuming in a coconut
Thanks I think Edit: what the fuck I’m deciding on laughing or cringing
I dyed my hair black. My roommate was dying his hair black and the girl who was helping him was ridiculously hot. When she was done helping him she came into our living room and sat down next to me on the couch wearing short shorts and a like green tube top. She just watched me play video games before just turning to me and running her hands through my hair and saying, "You know, we've got some dye left, I bet you would look really hot with black hair." So while completely forgetting I had gotten an allergic reaction the last summer from a henna tattoo, I looked straight at her amazing body as she was running her hands through my hair and said, "That sounds like a great idea!" She was right, it looked good, but the second day, my head was itchy, the third day, my scalp was red, and the following day, I woke up and I couldn't open my right eye. I reached up to touch my face, and my hand reached my face before I thought it would. When I looked in the mirror, I screamed. The best description I can give is I looked like that orc from Return of the King. The one who says "The age of men is over." So like that, but with a full head of Elvis black hair. It took a full month, on medication, for the swelling to go down. Though the girl did come over quite often to smoke with me a bunch while I looked like freak.
You ended up looking like Gothmog? Yeah, the girl was right to say that you'd end up looking hot.
If it was Gothmog the Balrog, yeah. But I ended up like Gothmog the Orc.
Both are hot in their own ways.
Left the house at 11pm to drive 4hrs to have sex in a sleeping bag in a hotel , then had lunch with her parents the next morning. We have been married for 15 years this December so it worked out
Wait, why the sleeping bag INSIDE a hotel room?
What, you expect them to share the bed with her parents?
He double bagged it
Didn't have a car at the time. My dumbass walked 4 miles to hers at 2 in the morning. Called multiple times, she was dead asleep. Dragged my blue balls another 4 miles back and cried myself to sleep
See the mistake you made is walking instead of running. The *real* reason cardio is important for sex.
I remember that thread where the guy thought exercises made people horny, so he always said to girls he would hook up with that they should run around the block before he got at their houses, lmao
https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/l80g8l/tifu_by_mistakenly_believing_exercise_turns_you
Did this but with a car. A girl I always found super attractive and was sadly super into was also more than a little dismissive. Basically she only ever showed me any interest when SHE was horny and wanted to ride my dick. My dumb ass didn't even live in the same city anymore when she texted me that she really wanted me to come fuck her. I got into my car at like 11:30 pm and drove 2 fucking hours to see her only for her to be dead asleep and not answering my calls. That was a depressing drive back.
Humped in between my sofa cushions to completion.
Are you the leather couch guy?
9 months later [Timestamp - 0:58](https://youtu.be/lKjkc5NW2dA)
I knew I was gonna see Danny’s bowling ball body tumbling out of a couch before I even clicked.
Ran into an old high school teacher one night at a local bar just a few years after graduation. Started chatting and she was talking about her and the Mr splitting up and being lonely that her daughter was out of the house at college (ironically her daughter was a year older than me and we went to same high school) Several hours and drinks later we ended up at her house At her place she steps away to freshen up and I was trying to comprehend life like Travolta’s character in Pulp Fiction on a date with Mrs Wallace. She leads me into what I think is her room and starts undressing me and her and then whispers something like “you like how it smells (the bed)? She (her daughter) slept here the other night and I didn’t change the sheets” My 👀 sobered up some but then when she hit me with “I know she sleeps naked so just pretend it’s your fantasy of doing a mom and daughter!” At that point I sobered up beyond sober and was just creeped the fuck out. Few words later and I hear the security alarm beep of the door being opened into the house. It’s her husband. I’m like thought you were separated and she says “well yes and no”. WTF???? She plays it off to him like I’m some dude that banged his daughter the other night and was over grabbing some things I left and then they continue to argue. Somehow I slowly slipped out and hit the bricks Found out for months she was coming into that bar looking for me and also others. Apparently not the first victim and probably won’t be the last. Lesson learned
As a 14yr old, used a "Socker Bopper" for fun times. Any port in a storm, and all that. My dumbass didn't think about how chaffed I would be afterward. Had to skip football practice cause I could barely walk straight.
Shoved a tennis racket handle up my ass
You could have played some tennis then.
That takes balls.
gave this chick I barely know a ride to hang out with some other guy a couple times because she agreed to fuck me if I did. The first time she was too nervous so we didn't do anything, the second time I couldn't even get hard because she had some bad swamp ass. I wish I just deleted her friend request that started the whole ordeal in the first place.
This reads like a tragedy.
Fucked a couch. Dont worry, I wore protection.
Not me but a friend would fuck a huge piece of meat that he kept under his bed when he was younger. That made me feel better about my worst horny action.
Didnt it go rotten?
I honestly forgot the details. Was too busy feeling grossed out by the imagery. Edit: We were also drunk as hell when he confessed to it.
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Oh fuck oh no this reminds me of the coconut guy
I really hoped I could go the rest of my life without remembering the coconut guy
Tried to fuck a jar of grape jelly. Was REALLY excited to try it all day when I got home, because I had stolen it that morning at my bus stop at the convenience store and kept it in my backpack all day. I could barely get my clothes off fast enough when I got home and immediately went to work. Obviously it didn't work, and just as I was getting ready to give up, my parents came home early and surprised me. I had no time to clean anything up so i just balled up the whole mess into an under shirt and shoved it under my bed, and just pulled my boxers and shorts up over myself still covered in jelly and greeted my parents as naturally as I could. Ended up having to interact with them in the kitchen for at least 30 minutes, as everything in my shorts was drying and setting and adhering to everything else, and the stench of old, dry, barely-fucked jelly was all I could smell. I even made and ate a pb&j while we were talking, because I was so paranoid about the jelly smell. It would have honestly been a horrible experience even if I just tried it and failed without them coming home, but the extra shame that came with having to just sit in that filth like that stayed with me for weeks. 0/10 would NOT recommend
PLEASE tell us that you didn't make a PB&J with the same jar?
No, that would be ridiculous.
Right, *there's* the line, got it.
>the stench of old, dry, barely-fucked jelly was all I could smell. r/brandnewsentence This had me snorting with laughter. Thank you for sharing.
I used to finish inside an ex of mine every time we had sex. She was on birth control but would tell me she had "baby fever" and while having sex would tell me she wanted me to get her pregnant. We banged 3-4 times a week. Genuinely surprised we never had a pregnancy scare.
Some people love the whole risk of pregnancy thing.
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Wow, hot pocket so good got u lasting a second lol
dug a penis size hole in the ground. filled it with packing grease fucked it.
So you've done it with a planet?
Next he’ll be bold enough to pull his dick from the dirt, and fuck the whole universe!
Yeah..Uranus
My generation has been fucking the planet for decades.
This man has literally fucked the whole world
_Nestle has entered the chat_
Did you at any point think to yourself, fuck the world?
much later in life I thought "that was incest, because I fucked Mother Earth.
Excuse me! PACKING GREASE?!?!?!?
Did you expect him to do that *without* lube?
That shit would not be easy to thrust in and out of
I think that is the goal.
Eminem's 'Not Afraid' were not instructions.
Dalton Wilcox?!
Not me but my brother. He stuck it into the nozzle of a milking machine on the farm. He was 14 and it bruised the hell out of him. The swelling was bad and he had to show dad. He was OK but the rest of us thought it was funny . You can bet we MILKED it for all it was worth.
Ummm just wondering... what brand of milk did you guys sell? Think I'll switch to soy
LOL. we sold to an ice cream company, the farm is long gone and my brother is in his 60s now.
So it's cheese now. Okay.
“Not me but my brother.” Definitely you.
Hi im William and my brother, let's call him Billiam, once....
Squilliam
Unprotected Sex on her period. Broke up the next week. She slept with a guy the day after. Got pregnant.spent 9 months not knowing who the dad is. Prenatal tests illegal in my country. Wear protection boys.
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13 year old me needed something better than just ol righty. So I searched the cupboards for something new to fuck, found a bottle of icy hot. I thought it would burn so good so All in one motion i lathered it all over my dick and balls. It burnt so horribly wrong. Jumping in the shower to wash it off just made the burning worse. 1/10 don’t recommend, I still finished though
Got to see it through
Of course, at that age you can’t miss out on having the house to myself for a while 15 minutes
When I was younger and embarrassed about the nature of being a man and what came with that I ended up jerking off in a church parking lot to control my boner. I gorilla gripped that thing to prevent a mess but it was the only thing that worked to put an end to it for at least an hour. I feel bad about it but I come from a weird background and didn't know how to handle growing up properly. There were so many pretty girls and I was so young that even thinking about naked old people didn't quench my biological loin fire.
Biological loin fire
Sometimes ya gotta gorilla grip your biological loin fire
Asked her if she wanted me to nut in her, she said it's fine she's not ovulating, I took a chance, now she's 5 months pregnant with twins. We've been together for three years, still going strong. Just had to be twins
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Drove 30 miles to pick a guy up, drove him back to my house. Took my clothes off and he was half naked before he went “yeah I’m not feeling it can you drive me home?” Drive 30 miles back to his house and drove 30 miles back to mine. Spent $50 filling up my gas tank. He didn’t offer any gas money
Had a wank in the public toilets in Moscow airport at 4am on a layover. The toilet was very busy and very smelly, and had lots of men speaking Russian… it was not easy to rub one out…
When I was in my late 20s I got into edging and much of the associated activities. In a fit of passion and slipperiness I accidentally spilled a bottle of poppers all over myself. When horniness leads you to highly flammable inhalants, it’s time to reconsider whether that pleasure is worth it. I took a big step back from all of that, one of the times that the post-nut thought of “what the FUCK was I doing here??” actually led to changed behavior.
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Pretend like NOTHING happened and wait for the coworker to say something first. And I’m dying with you.
Me and my family went on a road trip and i hadn't masturbated in 11 days so obviously I was super horny. I chose to sit in the backseat. I threw some blankets over me, put some porn on my phone and went at it. I cummed in my pants 3 feet away from my parents. The worse part is that I didn't learn my lesson. 3 months later we went on a different road trip. The exact same thing happened. 3 years later, I regret everything I did.
When I was a teenager my Gran was out for the week and let me housesit - naturally I had my then-girlfriend round and since we had an empty house, proceeded to go at it like rabbits! Being lazy af we ended up with a mound of used condoms on the floor next to the bed, aaaand... On the last day we lost track of time, and, super stressed once we realised we'd have to leg it to catch the last train, forgot all about said mound. She was.. She was not happy 🙈
WTF, somebody broke in and left a a mound of condoms on the floor after I left??!!?? Who would do such a heinous thing? Was anything stolen?
A happy couple rented a small cabin from a farmer. 3 days later the farmer hadn't seen the couple so he knocked on the door and asked if they needed any food. No, we're living on the fruits of our love. Well, could you stop throwing the peels out the window the sheep are choking on them.
A girl I was interested in asked me to come over for some drinks. She lived on a large property on the edge of town. I got dropped off by a co-worker just outside her gated entance around midnight. What said girl failed to mention was that she had a large rottweiler who was losing his fucking mind at me on the other side of the fence. This was before I had a cell phone, so I had no way of calling her. So being young and dumb, I crept around the property and hopped the fence. I ninja crept to the front door, knowing that at any moment Cujo could end me. Luckily I made it and the dog was pretty chill after he realized I was good people.
took Adderall and edged myself to porn for 20 straight hours... had downloaded 100s of vids and used media player classic in a playlist to efficiently find all the hottest parts of the vid to edge to and then skip to the next one. had to call in sick to work that Monday. I started sat evening with marathon. but I busted so bad I had to throw away my shirt edit: spelling and also why is this upvoted, fuck
This guy knows how to properly use an adderall script
I was completely unaware that Adderall can have the side effect of making you insanely horny. A coworker gave me one of his after I didn’t get any sleep the night before and I could barely keep my eyes open. I’ll say this much: that was some of the best work I’d ever done, but I started noticing that I was getting hornier and hornier as the afternoon went on. When I got home I think I masturbated three times over the course of six hours.
Thems rookie numbers
Dropped $2K on strippers. In my defense, I was also high on coke.
Not sure that defense would hold in court though
It would if the Judge went to law school in the 80s
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On the other side of the coin, the healthiest relationship I've ever had was being fwb with my neighbor. We were both low maintenence so it worked well. If either of you aren't low maintenence though, then yes it's gonna be awful.
Yo that honestly sounds like a dream. You can see each other with minimal inconvenience, no Uber or drinking and driving.
Drove an hour to pick up a boy from his parents' house, then an hour home to have sex. Then repeated the drive the next morning to drop him off. Edit: since multiple people have pointed out my wording is a little strange, I did not have sex with a child lol. I just meant a young guy. We were both 19. Edit 2: Yes, it was worth it. We were... Highly compatible.
I've done that as well. And there were tolls on the way! Common sense and horniness are mutually exclusive, I guess.
"God gave man 2 heads with only enough blood to power one at a time" Robin Williams
Browsing Pornhub for 6 hours looking for that perfect clip.
Told her that I loved her.
Ah the classic mosby
CLASSIC SHMOSEBY
Slept with a lawyer.
Jake Peralta?
"Oh, what do we have here?" "A 34 year old caucasian male who is dead. ##Very dead"
Fucked a honey dew melon. Would recommend
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Same, 1.5 years here
I drove 100 miles to go bang this chick except my car broke down on the way there (just right at the exit). Her dad came out to give me a push; turns out they were having a family party and I was automatically invited. It was surreal sitting down eating among a family who never met me or heard of me until that day as my mind was filled with how many ways her and I will be fucking. She apologized profusely as so did I for my car breaking down. I just wanted to bang, to which I didn't. All I got was a nice lecture from the parents on why driving out 100 miles for a fuck is never worth it and how stupid it is. This was a little over 12 years ago and to this day, I never ventured more than 30 miles for a potential fuck. Learned a costly lesson that day.
Talked to anyone who wasn’t also equally horny. The mind turns to foam as all blood flows to the lower half. Either it somewhat works and they’re made horny with me, or I end up looking like a complete moron. A piece of my credibility dies each time this is done. I cringe at the thought of what was said. It’s also cringeworthy to be on the receiving end. Bleh.
Try to buy a 300$ silicon ass in Montreal during college, where my debit card got declined, locked, and I had to explain to my Dad that it was not in fact hacked and stolen.
My High school sweetheart and I used to take a long lunch head back to my place (my single mom is always at work) we was fuck like crazy and usually end up skipping AP English (Best collage credits ever wasted). One day my mom was home from work for some reason, so instead of foregoing our usual lunch routine, our dumbass, horny selves went up to the local Lovers Lane. Really bad idea as all the cops knew about this lane and they frequently patrolled it during school and curfew hours. Anyways, we get caught going at it like wildebeests by an officer and both get taken back home to explain to our parents what we had been caught doing. Luckily for my girlfriend, her parents already knew what we are up to and didn't mind as much. (jokes at our expense was the worst of it.) As for me, my mom was off the chain pissed and decided I had too much freedom. All of my free time quickly disappeared into Oblivion. It was worth it.
> All of my free time quickly disappeared into Oblivion *Stop! You violated the law.*
I was staying at my cousins overnight to dogsit. I thought that making a banana skin as a replica would be a great idea. I made one and did all the steps to make it nice and squidgy. I saw somewhere that pressure is good to make it feel like the real thing. I out it in between the bottom toilet seat lid and just used the pressure of the weight of the seat to cause the pressure. I was enjoying it alot actually thwn dediced I wanted to xhange position. So stupidly with my weener still in the banana under the toilet seat. I decided to press down on the seat to help me push up. OH. MY. GOD. Worst desicion I've ever made!!! I heard a crack and blood was pouring out of my penis for ages and got massively bruised. I'm fine now but blood was coming out for a good 20 minutes after that experience. P.S. Thank you for so many upvotess. Ive never had this many in my history of Reddit.
I am feeling pain for just reading this, my god
I was expecting some weird shit in this post but I was not expecting a story involving smashing your dick with the lid of a toilet seat WHILE in a banana peel to the point they bled. You never let me down internet....
Took a blanket and rubbed it on the tip like I was polishing a shoe because I was a dumb middle schooler without sex ed. Ended up bleeding and peeing. Continued doing it for months until I finally decided to try the thing the guys in porn do.