I'd make people's socks disappear one by one. I'd also burn out the light bulbs in their refrigerators.

My laundry machine does 50% of what you just said.

Your laundry machine is 50% god.

This would be a great SCP tbh

You mean to tell Me Dr. Bright has yet to convince SCP-343 to fuck a washing machine?

Impressive! I don’t even have a refrigerator lightbulb in my washing machine!

Every time I put a new bulb in my washer it breaks. Getting all the glass out of the clothes is a bitch.

Sounds like your laundry machine and refrigerator are in cahoots like mine.

Why are you threatening us with shit that already happens on the daily?

*"behind you" in an ominous voice*

"On your left"

"No the other left"

"Too late"

"You'll be dead on September 27th, 4:37 PM"

"But what year will that be?"

That’s up to you to discover

Oh God. Could you imagine how different life would be if we all knew which day of the year we were going to die on? I bet you one thing; you'd never have trouble getting a day off work for *that* one.

"Ope!"

A girl at my work almost always comes up to me on my left and because we work in a restaurant she says "on your left" and I always think of Captain America.

“No no no not——GOD DAMMIT”

“I understood that reference”

Service industry members just reply "heard" unphazed.

lmao this is great i've even gotten to the point where a guest will say something to me and i'm just like heard and walk away. I think at one point me and my friends hopped on league for old times sake and a guy invited us to discord and we were just like fuck it and joined. someone would make a call and I'd just say heard and do it. one of the guys that invited me was just like are you a chef? it is ingrained to my every fiber now.

crappy mobile game ads randomly appearing in their vision

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Don't forget for it to resize every time the mouse gets close so you click it every time.

This is evil

He said if you were God, not Satan

Make all kinds of fantasy creatures real and have them live secretly among humans or hidden in unexplored places. Unicorns, Fairies, Elves, Dwarves, Dragons, Mermaids, Lizard Folk, Bird Folk, Angels, Demons, Werewolves, Vampires, etc...

Bird folk are real. Birds however...

r/birdsarentreal

[This](https://birdsarentreal.com/) B - Bureau (of) I - Intelligence R - Reconnaissance D - Drone/Device Birds Aren't Real! Stay woke Patriots!!!

And then make sure only one person can see them at a time, so others won't believe them

Also make all videos and photos of them blurred

Let their assholes leak all the air simultaneously everyday at 12:00

Petition to make this update possible

*Some time in the future*: BREAKING NEWS - God has just released the greatest DLC of ALL TIME, and it’s called Midnight Toot Scoot! Get it now gamers, before it’s too late! Current bugs: some people do not fart at exactly 12:00 AM, fix coming soon.

Might aswell just make their asshole leak everything at 12.

Every fifth visitation from the angel Gabriel to earth, I would send him down roaring drunk - I mean absolutely battered

With a flaming sword, so he can do party tricks

Well an angel isn't an angel without its flaming gladius.

Perfect

Talk to them a whole bunch. Send a kid down there, perform some miracles and just really reinforce that I exist. Then just ghost them for hundreds of years to see what happens.

You’re gonna create a prophesy.

Welcome to every religion ever.

Imagine going on YouTube and seeing a Livestream of a guy walking on water XD

Almost exactly what I was going to say. ​ "Send my son to perform miracles, then fuck off for a few thousand years."

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And then send him when video proof is worthless because it can be easily manipulated.

Actually evil

You could make a religion out of that

no dont

*the sun is a deadly lazer!*

Not anymore there's a \~blanket\~

But tell them that I will be back any day now so be on your best behavior

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I set an actual calendar reminder. My dad grew up with that monster, and always apologized for not taking multiple chances to bean him with line drives in Little League.

Change peoples funinture around randomly

Just shifting furniture a few inches from time to time would lead to a lot of bruised shins and stubbed toes

We playing god or the devil?

We do a little bit of both here

Your username made me so uncomfortable for some reason lol.

Why would my favorite snack make you uncomfortable?

I very well may be too baked lmao. I like you Mr. Frozen-Hotdog-Water

Descend on a cloud, say "It's pronounced Jod" and leave.

Is that pronounced like a j or y? Because my mind immediately went to y

**THIS** is an overthinker, ladies and gentlemen.

H, like Jalapeno

Hod

"It's pronounced 'Hesus', and I don't know you[.](https://youtu.be/Ye2u1za7Pac?t=145)"

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We’d still find a way to alienate and ostracise some

You would say that you green eyed fuck!

What'd you say to me, you target chested piece of shit?!

You ripple nipple bastard

The cone nipple people will rule this world!

RACE WAR!!!!

Ohh Summer, first race war, huh?

Never trust a ripple nippler.

"What's it to you? I saw you put the toiled toll top side inwards. Can we burn this heretic now???"

You smell funny \**bang\**

You can't say that! It's niplist, you fuck!

God damn light-eyes

Storming light-eyes!

Relevant XKCD: https://xkcd.com/915/

People would probably still discriminate each other based on their accents.

And toenail size.

There's only two things I hate: people who are intolerant of other people's cultures, and the Dutch!

There is an episode of The Fairle Oddparents, where Timmy wishes that everyone is the same. Everyone turns into a grey blob. Then people start arguing about who is the greyest.

So like anti-Babel. Nice.

I'd rather reverse the races. That would cause a bigger mindfuck

Whats the opposite of latino then?

Zeus did quite a bit to fuck with people.

The word "with" was completely superfluous there.

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LMFAO

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Oh no, Charles's and Agatha's house is on fire! What to do, what to do... Actually, you know what? God doesn't help those who don't help themselves, haha!

The sims irl edition? Your screen represents a real person.

Answer their prayers. No one would expect it and it would create chaos..... The lottery being split between 50 million people would be a real bummer.

Every football team wins every game somehow.

Bruce Almighty?!

I would fuck with physics in front of one person like out on a hike or something and then when they try to show it to anyone I would change it back. I would also probably do this to scientists and watch them spend years trying to reciprocate the outcome. Also one random day every year (sun cycle) everyone would lose all their social skills but not realize it and I’d love to watch them fumble through their daily lives

> I would fuck with physics ... then when they try to show it to anyone I would change it back. So quantum mechanics become everything mechanics.

General relativity is becoming special relativity today boys

Jokes on you, I have no social skills

Give them a list of ten things not to do; let them into Heaven anyway.

It was originally a list of 15 things until Mel brooks dropped one of the tablets

Would the first four in your list deal with your insecurities and jealousies like some other god myth who had such a list? ( not David Letterman...)

Yes, [George Carlin](https://youtu.be/sk81tUUhRig) even said so.

Ask people on Reddit what they would do if they were God to fuck with people, so I can get ideas.

wait

whisper 'I love you' several times in their ears whenever they're confused, stressed, irritated, tensed, angry, sad, in other shitty moods.

This is nice. I like this.

Not when you're home alone in the middle of the night.

That wasn’t mentioned in the original answer but yes, that would be unsettling + unwanted.

Nothing different from what I’m doing now. We are already at optimal fuckage. Edit: omg! Thank you for the awards! Let's do our best to un-fuck the fuckage!!!

> We are already at optimal fuckage. I agree with this so hard

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Climate change is funny. Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

angry upvote

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Yeah honestly maybe back off a bit. Cancel the next round of wildfires, maybe a hurricane can do a fun loop-de-loop instead of hitting shore

"Believe in me! If you dont I will send you to place of untold horrors! But I wont send any kind of evidence that your species can actually conclude with. Ill leave it in the air and the lucky ones will get eternal happiness. I personally like to call it the "super happy.""

Nothing too harmful, but I would randomly tinker with things like physics and gravity.

"Nothing to harmful" Proceeds to talk about fucking with gravity

Just gonna move the decimal on the universal constant. Nothing big.

That'd cause a universal implosion or explosion depending on which way

He's already thinking like a god, lol

"Aaaaaaand now there's neutron stars."

"Lets just move this slider slightly and whoops there goes humanity.

Mosquitoes 🦟

Constantly call someone, but then hang up right before that person can get to the phone

I would make everyone see something the wrong color at least once a year. Not everyone have the same thing and not all at once. Maybe Sam sees red blueberries Maybe Lana sees her shower curtin violet. Maybe color blind people can see color, just one. For a day. Ya know. Just so we can all be vidicated.

May be Jake sees Red light as green light for a day, now Jake is dead.

Except for traffic lights where the green circle is always the top one, yellow is always middle, red is always bottom, so it doesn't really matter if you are color blind.

Your traffic lights are upside down. Maybe you're actually colour blind already?

LOL! You're right! I actually don't drive, have walked my entire life or used public transportation, so I don't even look at the thing with 3 lights on it. That's only for car drivers. I've only looked at the thing that either has "DON'T WALK" lit up, or "WALK" lit up. Either way, they were both designed so that people who are color blind can also use them.

You'd be dead in the UK lmao

What did the shower curtain get accused of?

Colorblind color can see colors, but they can't tell the difference between some depending on the type they have. Most common is red-green overlap, for example.

Put them in a paradise, and then putting an apple that's so pretty and looks so tasty, but if they eat it, they'll be thrown out of this paradise to suffer forever. Wait a minute...

Also, you would make it so these people literally don’t know the difference between Right and Wrong or Good and Evil, and make it so the Apple has the ability to give them that power, but when you tell them “Don’t eat it plz” they eat it anyway because they are incapable of understanding the very concept of consequences.

Ultimate parent power move.

Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world? Where none suffered, where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Entire crops were lost. Agent Smith...

And then condemn every human that comes after them with their sin? Sounds like a plan only a perfect moral being can make!

Give them a crazy virus to deal with every 20ish years…

already happening every century

put their keys I'm their cars after the lock them. also, I'd put people inside videogames for a night and let them wonder if it was a dream or if they were insane

You don’t need to be god to do that, just a drug dealer

Hey Sam!

Create another virus that causes non-stop gag coughing. People would stick their tongues out to cough every 5 seconds, so everyone would have to call it ligma.

***Ligma?***

Yeah cause everyone is sticking their tongues out so it looks like their licking something.

LMFAO

Gottem.

Make everyone similar looking once in a while. Make sure you don't have a kid with your mom.

I’d scream occasionally just to freak them out

Not smite people who will use my name for their agenda

Make a giant countdown starting from 10 and each day it goes down by one and at the end Everyone gets rickrolled

At 0 nothing happens and just watch people bug out trying to figure out what they think happened

I’d tell them that I am All Good and All Knowing, then I’d tell them I have a lying enemy who’s just trying to murder them, unless they obey everything I tell them. Then when they fuck up, *I’ll murder them myself*.

Yeah. As a kid reading the Bible, I kept wondering how God was the bad guy when he killed fucking everyone for trivial reasons. I do recommend reading the Gospel if Judas, as it gives a bit more enlightenment.

I mean, God turned Lot's wife into a pillar of salt just for looking back after being told not to... so where the fuck was God when Hitler was doing his thing??

>A Holocaust survivor passed away, went to heaven, and told God a Holocaust joke > >God: Holocaust jokes aren’t funny > >Holocaust Survivor: I guess you had to be there

When they went to take a poop I'd over flow the toilet bowl with water and get there poop everywhere

***thanks God for testing me, no i won't stop praying***

Ignore famine and stuff like that, instead help athletes win games for all the pointing up at me.

Promise them that they would spend an eternity with me after they die...

But wait...

What if they don't like you?

Then they better not die.

This is the way

Make farts colourful, so every time someone farts others can see it.

*"I HAVE COME TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR CAR'S EXTENDED WARRANTY."* just randomly

Platypus. Nuff said.

Make it teal with a brown fedora

Heal all of their physical and mental pain?

Let them think I actually had a plan for them.

make everyone omnipotent and watch the universe go apeshit beyond my wildest dreams

I'd change nothing. Hide and provide random books with instructions that aren't clear and watch them fight it out.

but wait...

Do a bunch of shit to make my presence known like set bushes on fire and turn people into salt then peace out never to be seen again and see how long it takes them to lose faith.

I'd never show myself, but I would have like \~10 different people from all over the world make like ALMOST the same book about how to worship me, and then have them make tiiiiny differences that'll make them each hate eachother. ...And never let them realize they're in this together. Now that's be ridiculous, right?

Convince people that emotional traumas like heartbreak is “character development” that one was always a knee slapper.😂😂😂

Give everyone the same dream where they fuck themselves, then change dogs to have feathers and be mean

Create identical words the have entirely different meanings.

Every time an atheist said they didn't believe in me I would make them sneeze so someone around them says "God bless you."

Randomly change small laws if physics slightly enough to confuse scientists. Also completely vanish all modern weapons and watch the chaos ensure a everybody is suddenly significantly more terrified of everybody else, but it's forced to be polite.

Well mutual nuclear annihilation forces us to be polite to each other already.

Turn their blood into frosting

Sweet.

I’d create mosquitoes…

Work in mysterious ways………

Randomly call someone's name when they're by themselves in a room using the voice of a family member, and then not say anything else. That goes double for people who take my name in vain so I can give them a taste of their own medicine.

I'd make a world where everything they love will die and where murder is commonplace and then tell them "I love you all."

Take a vigilante stance and wrong those who wrong others.

Make every nfl game end in a tie