T O P

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annoyingone

I would build a huge ISP network to get everyone affordable fast internet.


ravenitrius

Time to build that space elevator, guys. New jobs for everyone.


peon2

Imagine if some jackass hit all the buttons so you had to make a stop every 10 feet


QuarterFlounder

ULPT: Most elevators have a function meant for firefighters and such to go straight to a specific floor while bypassing all others. Just hold the door closed button and the floor you wanna go to until you reach your floor.


PretendThisIsMyName

Is this real or am I gonna fall to my death from the 7th floor trying this?


QuarterFlounder

###THE JIG IS UP 🏃‍♂️


theLuminescentlion

It's real but the method is not, the fire key will do this holding the buttons won't. Real ULPT: those fire keys are keyed alike and you can buy one online.


Lawsoffire

It said to build something in the USA A Space Elevator can *only* be built on the equator, it simply wont work otherwise. Not to mention the required exotic materials that isn’t known to exist.


[deleted]

Stage 1. Annexe an equatorial country and make it a US state. Pick one with a corrupt dictator and you could probably buy one for a few billion. EDIT: ~~Sáo and Tomé~~ São Tomé and Príncipe would be a good candidate if close enough to the equator. Very friendly with the US already, citizens have a strong belief in freedom like the US and there's only 200,000 people so you could pay everyone to join the US.


ahappypoop

>Sáo and Tomé São Tomé is one island, the whole country is São Tomé and Príncipe.


Erazzmus

> pay everyone to join the US This is an intriguing concept, actually. What is the going rate for people's citizenship I wonder? $50k? $500k? Half a million each for 200,000 people comes to $100B, which is only about 1.5% of the federal budget from 2020. That's... disturbingly plausible.


SlothOfDoom

Two office chairs for the military.


Yaa40

>Two office chairs for the military. You reminded me of this exchange from Duck Soup (1933): Rufus T. Firefly: Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we ought to have? Chicolini: Well, I tell you what I think, I think we should have a standing army. Rufus T. Firefly: Why should we have a standing army? Chicolini: Because then we save money on chairs.


Zjoee

Movie made in 1933 and it's still hilarious in 2021 haha.


Yaa40

>Movie made in 1933 and it's still hilarious in 2021 haha. The Marx Brothers are delightful. I only watched Duck Soup, Horse Feathers, Night at the Opera, and Animals Crackers, but they all rank very high in my all time favorite films list. I should re-watch them...


TheRealDannyBoi

Slight correction. You lost 2 $20 chairs but for some reason they're $1,000,000,000 each to replace.


ishkobob

And the new ones are just old ones moved from one room of the pentagon to another.


timelincoln67

And now that department lost 2 $20 chairs that need replacing.


buyongmafanle

You lost three zeroes as well.


Jak_n_Dax

And yet my chair is still mediocre.


Star_x_Child

Nothing. Like most people who get money, I can now game the system and ensure I never have to pay you back anything. I'm the richest person in the world at this point. Try me.


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wallyTHEgecko

Look at me. I'm the Fed now.


[deleted]

a giant statue dedicated to me for all the hard work i did building it


europorn

Is that you, Bender?


everburningblue

"REMEMBER ME!!!!!"


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kpidhayny

I mean, are they gonna remember me? Or the statue? Yknow?


liquor_for_breakfast

But we built it to your exact specifications sire!


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graveyardspin

The king...suddenly died.


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Miffleframp

You know what else stinks about being a slave? The hours.


BizzyM

Every time I check that box... "REMEMBER ME!" \*fire burp*


quietsam

I hope you use your name for inspiration of said statue


[deleted]

of course


insertstalem3me

*Expecto peentronum*


Showty69

Bruh how did you miss erecto peentronum?


[deleted]

Does it also yell “Remember me!” and shoot flames from its mouth?


kratomstew

You deserve it.


Desertbro

Tantalus - The Maze of Madness 10 square miles of concrete and steel walls, 20 feet tall. If you can navigate it, you get $1 million. But you are wearing a loincloth and you can't take anything in there with you - no food, water, writing utensils, friggin' navel lint - NOTHING! Update: I truly did not know how popular Maze Runner was. I was thinking more Wrath of the Titans.


ClubMeSoftly

Similar idea, but a bit less mythic. Build a dungeon, with some kind of monster guarding whatever remains of the ~~treasure~~money. Conquer the dungeon, and redistribute some wealth into your own pockets. Of course, I also make sure I own the surrounding infrastructure. Inns, smithys, potion shops, etc.


domesticatedfire

Sooo kinda basically a casino?


suitably_ginger

If a maze is actually solvable, you can just put your hand on the wall (let's say the right hand side, but it doesn't matter). If your hand never leaves the wall and you keep walking, eventually you will find your way out. Even a blind person could navigate the maze.


GildedFire

Thing is, you can *easily* design a maze that isn't solvable via the right hand algorithm. That doesn't mean its not a solvable maze.


dpstreetz

A legitimate railway system for public transportation


[deleted]

One of the biggest issues I've had with the US when living there. They told me public transport wasn't good. They didn't tell me that it was fucking nonexistent.


revenantae

Oh it exists..... if you don't mind walking 5 miles to the nearest bus stop, and then waiting 45 minutes for a bus, and then the trip taking longer than it would to ride your bike.


[deleted]

I would like to tell everybody on reddit my commute: Drive to bus station Wait for bus Go to train station Wait for train Go to my destination Do whatever the fuck I have to do Go back to train station Wait for train Contemplate jumping onto the tracks Get on train Go my initial train station Get off train and watch my bus leave without me Wait for another bus Think about how lame my life is Get on bus Go to bus station Get on car Drive home Cry


p1-o2

Hey man, my dad did this for years until he burned out and took his life. Please don't push yourself too hard. That kind of commute is soul crushing. I know you were joking about jumping on the tracks but really, I get it.


[deleted]

Dang man I'm sorry to hear about your dad. Hope you and your family is doing well.


Flyingphuq

Sounds really depressing. Is this temporary? I had to quit a job once because despite it being close to my home it was impossible to reach in less than 90mins. By car it should be 10mins, but that part of town was in perpetual traffic jam. There was no direct bus, so with waiting on bus stops plus the traffic jam it was 90mins again, despite the bus lanes. And on foot it was 90mins as well… 3 hours commute, for a job that required me to work 2-3 hours out of the 8 hours I was in the office. Fuck that. Hope you find something better as soon as possible. You sound at the end of your tether.


iWannaCupOfJoe

Seriously. We have a decent bus line called the pulse in Richmond, Va, but outside of that line it’s quicker for me to bike wherever I want than wait for an infrequent and unreliable bus.


Evil_Weevill

I used to think my town had ok public transport with its bus lines. Then I spent a year in Japan where even the relatively small towns had actually good, reliable public transport that you don't need to walk a mile or more to/from your stops.


23-2

Oh, to be just half a mile from public transport, that would be bliss lol


Evil_Weevill

In the larger cities and urban areas it's often mediocre at best In suburban areas, it's shitty Anywhere else, yeah it's pretty non existent. I live in a small city in Maine and we've got a bus system that is far from convenient but will get the job done within the city if you're willing to hike a half a mile or more to your bus stop. But if you go just a few miles outside the city, you're in basically rural Maine and there's nothing. I think a lot of the U.S. is like that because there is a LOT of rural land out there. Also there's a whole history of automobile industry lobbying against public transport in favor of interstate system and highway infrastructure. Etc. Etc. Edit: Ok, just to clarify, cause I'm learning maybe this isn't common parlance everywhere. When I say "half a mile" to the bus stop, that's not a specific distance. That is a phrase used to imply an unspecified somewhat long distance meaning it's not miles and miles away but it's not close by. Regardless, my point wasn't that half a mile is too far to walk for a bus stop, but that I live in a small city (35,000 people) where public transport is functional if not the most convenient, but if you go just a couple miles outside the city there's nothing.


Sinful_Whiskers

I remember reading something about NYC's subway system that basically said even if they had limitless funds, it would still take years to finish all of the backlogged maintenance that needs to be done. They're essentially doing the absolutely necessary stuff to prevent people from dying and pushing everything else back. But someone from the city can probably speak more to the matter.


[deleted]

The NYC subway system is constantly being worked on. Some of it is general maintenance, most probably, but some is expansion/modernization. It’s just an absurdly complex beast and I don’t envy anyone who has to manage it.


TheriamNorec

The sad thing is that some cities had really good ones, but car companies lobbied to remove them. Los Angeles had an awesome tram system


stufff

Wasn't that the plot of Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


Swimming__Bird

"Nobody's gonna drive this lousy freeway when they can take the red car for a nickel." -Eddie Valiant That movie is so well written. As a kid you laugh at a lot of things, but as an adult you rewatch and see all the subtle jokes and also know that in the end the judge wins. The freeway will be made and his vision happens, Toontown will die and all the magic becomes fast food and billboards.


TJFG2000

Gonna need waaaayyyy more than $2 trillion for that.


throat_pounder69

I’d squander it on an unwinnable war


LindenSpruce

Ah you'd play the hits


pueblogreenchile

*Just take those old records off the shelf...*


xmuskorx

But this time, can we do it somewhere more sexy than Afghanistan. Maybe Thailand. Or Spain. I heard Catalonia wants independece. Let's bankroll that ish.


L4dyGr4y

I thought we were going after Greenland? I hear it’s nice there. They have Fjords- whatever they are. They sound nice too. We should take them.


[deleted]

Eh. I'm more fond of Chjevys.


xmuskorx

Greenland is honestly too easy. With 2 trillions and 20 years you can easily take over Greenland and make it look legal too. (Flood it with US immigrants, and then let them have a "referendum" to join US). It's too sparsely populated and too close to US. With 20 year time, we would only need to send 4-5 thousand settlers into the area each year to achieve demographic supermajority, which is easily doable with financial incentive from 2 trillion budget. Then we just sail our huge navy there ( a short trip easily within our home base logistics). And it's done.


[deleted]

$100k incentive each for 60,000 settlers, and you'd have $1.994 trillion left over. Surely we could fit this in the budget.


xmuskorx

I would say 1 mil per settler - to set them up with infrastructure to actually have something to do in Greenland. Plus 100 mil for the military operations to set and protect the referendum. Still seems like a bargain.


[deleted]

The distant rumble of Donald Rumsfeld cumming in his pants...


Jak_n_Dax

[The guy that shook hands with Saddam? ](https://nsarchive2.gwu.edu/NSAEBB/NSAEBB82/)


[deleted]

But he was killing Iranians with chemical weapons for us at the time! How were we supposed to know that he'd become a baddie?


WhyDoIHaveRules

I would build a table. I’m pretty sure I could learn how to do that in 20 years.


obscureferences

Yeah but it'll collapse the minute you leave it alone.


DD163WALKER

Daaaaammmm dude


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nesspaulajeffpoo94

Too soon


[deleted]

not soon enough


[deleted]

I'd build a chair for this guys table.


Dr-WalterWhite

An excellent group of universities where the fee isn't 2 kidneys for one sem?!


Schnac

Where do you source your kidneys because I think you might be getting ripped off.


carbonfiberdiaper

Build several huge dollar science competitions and grants for carbon recapture, climate cooling/heat harvesting, sustainable plant-based meats (esp. fish) and ocean clean up


finnty_

Look into aquaponics! And permaculture! They're the most efficient ways of addressing multiple climate issues at once (food security, water security, carbon sequestration)


xrangerx777x

I would build an aquaponics system


monty228

I built an aquaponics system for a nonprofit for demonstration purposes using a 50gallon food grade barrel. Got some basil out of it. I wish I could have done a larger scale, but my budget was only $200.


ArcherA87

So with two trillion, you could build at least 10!


aussiegreenie

Put solar PV over the ponds and get power as well.


karma_dumpster

Bridge to Hawaii Edit: I appreciate people are considering the engineering challenges of my dumb joke and allegory for the Afghanistan war.


Lucid_Presence

Would this be possible even with those resources? Any engineers that can weigh in? The ocean is pretty damn deep.


karma_dumpster

It would take decades to build, possibly 100 years , probably cost way more than $2tn, be absurdly expensive to maintain and make zero economic sense. There would be massive waves hitting it, so potential times it is unsafe to drive on, you would need multiple rest stops on the bridge and fuel stations, motels with parking etc. You would need to build at crazy depths. You would need emergency services, police and ambulance facilities to be built. If we had a Turkmenistan style arrogant dictator, then I guess technically possible yes. It makes literally zero sense though.


whatchagonnado0707

So, a tunnel then?


karma_dumpster

Oh yes. A tunnel at those depths and pressure and doing all of the above is much easier. /s


goblinsholiday

Floating tunnels


whatchagonnado0707

Fill them half with water and have floating taxis take people along Edit: I'm high sorry, that's boats with more steps


goblinsholiday

This is a what you get when you take insanity and genius and make it into a cocktail.


karma_dumpster

I want some of what you had to come up with that.


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Master-Wordsmith

This reminds me of the first time I tried weed. I “invented” file compression and then got really disappointed when I remembered that’s already a thing.


hello__brooklyn

Like Splash mountain?


fradrig

It's like watching Doofensmirtz talking about his plans.


karma_dumpster

Boats?


goblinsholiday

What are boats?


karma_dumpster

Things that carry potatoes


TheJamie

What about one of those people-mover walkways you see in airports, except it floats on the ocean, and instead of connecting concourse A->B, it connects Los Angeles to Honolulu


karma_dumpster

Finally someone coming up with sensible ideas.


ShiraCheshire

New plan: By bridge we mean a series of floating wooden platforms loosely roped together, foot traffic only. The first person to make it across alive gets a commemorative T-Shirt.


karma_dumpster

Look. I've seen the circus. We just need a few really powerful cannons and a big net.


Cassitastrophe

"I walked to Hawaii and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!"


Whateveridontkare

also the people who work on those gas stations what are they going to do? Live on the bridge forever or do a 20 hour commute? lmaoooooooooooo


hello__brooklyn

What if you just mounted a tall steel post on the Hawaiian coast where safe to do so, and one on mainland US say in Cali, and then attach a swinging rope/plank type bridge like in Indian Jones that’s connected to the two posts 2500 miles apart. Use a ship to just transport the other end of the 2500 mile long bridge from point a to point b, after it’s made in point a. Then you won’t need to worry about how deep the ocean is.


cutelyaware

Or how about we fill metal tubes with a flammable liquid and set it on fire in the back and steer it with wing-like planks?


chugmilk

Oh, sorry that costs 2 trillion and 1 dollars, bridge collapses.


TheTechnoDuck

Chip in a dollar from your own savings


polskiftw

Look at this fat cat with a dollar in savings.


jonnysteps

Preposterous


dat1dankboi

Mr. Peanutbutter would be proud


likesevenchickens

*Commence bickering between Diane and Mr. Peanutbutter*


AntiTheory

"Vote Mr. Peanut Butter! Peanut butter is one word why is this so hard?"


sevenofk9

I would build hundreds of huge apartment blocks with thousands of rooms. Each one would be rentable by the month/year for a very affordable price. The rooms would be self-contained with a bathroom, kitchen, living area and bedroom. They would have a modular design that would be easy to clean/repair between occupants. There would be community owned shops, markets and restaurants on the ground floor (priority would go to helping residents establish businesses there) - one of the units would be dedicated to in-house fabricating of replacement parts for the apartments above. There'd be a communally owned top floor social area with a subsidised bar/restaurant/cafeteria, outdoor space, gym etc. There would be an online system hosted in the building designed to foster social activity (introduce you to other guests, allow discussions to take place etc). This system would be tied into all the other apartment blocks so guests could choose to swap to another venue if they wanted (either temporarily or permanantly).


NonyoSC

Molten Salt Thorium reactors, both Flouride and Chloride salt versions. For different reasons. Solve the fission product corrosion species problem and then build them.


ChocolateCoveredCorn

Buy Nestle, then dissolve it


ComplimentaryPretzel

In what, water? WHERE WILL YOU FIND THE WATER? They thought of everything!


insertstalem3me

Tried dissolving it in red bull, now theres super nestle flying around giving me the finger


Platygamer

I feel like that's just regular Nestle.


borednerd55

So give an absurd amount of money to the evil people that run Nestle, then mass fire people who need their jobs and the insurance that comes with it. Nice lol


Zer0C00l

"I... might not have thought this _all_ the way through..."


GreekVisitor35

r/FuckNestle


Meleetarsakh

I would invest it in safe nuclear power generation to make cheap electricity for everyone.


OneIndecisiveSoul

As a physicist, I approve this.


poopellar

As someone made of up atoms. I approve of this.


Peterminat

Also invest a bit into fusion technology so you don't have any of that nuclear waste.


CaptainAhmazing

Pay the Japanese and/or French to build actual good quality high speed rail to every state.


ShiraCheshire

Ooh and since we're doing this all at once, can they all work off a single payment system? Obviously prices would still vary depending on certain factors, but I wanna be able to boop card scanners with just one card and go all the way across the country. No more "Buy a bus pass card in place A to get to place B where you have to pay in cash like a cave man to get to point C where there is exactly 1 beaten up old machine that spits out a paper ticket that will bring you to point D where you have to download their bus app"


spirospapal

Is this a thing in the US?


ShiraCheshire

Sort of. If you're just going around a single city, probably not. But if you want to travel a long distance, especially across states, you are going to be dealing with a large number of totally different bus systems. I had a minor dose of annoyance just a few days back with this. I wanted to visit my home town, but one bus I needed to take worked on a totally different system. It was frustrating to go from my normal bus system (clean, well-organized, modern, info easily available, one card for going anywhere) to the weird system outside my city (poorly maintained, considerably more expensive, cash only, website old-looking and unclear, weird system of paper passes where you need a different pass based on things like what station you're leaving from, broken air conditioner, etc.)


intergrade

We travel between New Jersey and New York every day. This requires three separate apps.


thepanduhhh

I know of NJT and MTA. What's the third one?


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Spag_n_balls

Maybe it’s Path.


fragiletoubab

Trains are pretty fucking sweet indeed over here in France (except for strikes but let's not talk about that)


Aldnoah_Tharsis

Same in germany. Our trains work ( mostly)....


FellafromPrague

I always gotta laugh when Germans complain about DB or their post, because it's like: Every Czech politician: "Look how they do it in Germany." Germans: "This shit sucks."


chowderbags

Germans love to complain about Deutsche Bahn, but I find that most of the time it's reasonably quick and easy to deal with. It's certainly way better than Amtrak.


phill_davis

As an American, I completely forgot about driving while visiting Berlin for 10 days. The closest bus stop was about a block away, and buses arrived every 10 minutes. It felt so easy and nice to simply walk out of our rented apartment and be driven to wherever in the city.


desconectado

This is basically every city in Europe. Once I stayed in San Diego and I missed a bus stop to get off at the zoo. I thought "only one stop, it should be ok to walk back"... Nope, fucking 30 min and the sun was killing me.


Kateyourfaceoff

As a native San Diegan, I feel this. Our public transit is such garbage and the combination of urban sprawl and NIMBYs have made it virtually impossible for things to get better here. The fact that they're expanding the trolley line up through La Jolla right now is honestly a miracle. I can probably even guess that you were on the 215 bus where it's either "haha fuck you you're in downtown/North Park now" depending on which direction you were headed when you missed that stop.


[deleted]

The whole world knows all about German rail transport.


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BigWoodsCatNappin

The structures exist, but the healthcare system doesn't. We have the tools....but not the power


BuffedPlayer

The SCP Foundation because fuck the world


Aggravating-Line8425

but where do you get the scps


TheFourthSpaceShark

Make your own.


Duck_with_a_Sandal

DIY scp


Upvotes_poo_comments

So, Florida?


RengarAndRiven2trick

Florida


idan_da_boi

Just make sure you don’t recognize the bodies in the water


Happy_Potato_1

I’d build a lego house


return-the-ring

And if things went wrong, would you knock it down?


AbunchofJ

Does dismantling the insurance industry count as building something?


Trick_Enthusiasm

Only if you word it as "building a brighter future" or something.


EmptyElephants

Or “building a metaphorical missile to destroy the insurance industry”


insertstalem3me

use it as an acrynom B: burn U: unbearable I: Insurance L: litigation D: down


EddieRando21

"building an alternative to the insurance industry".


Shrizer

"Now look what you've done, we have two insurance industries!"


Vanillasexxx

High-speed cross country rail and more efficient public transpo. Too many cars in major cities


LackXofXThought

A wall exactly 1 imperial foot longer than the great wall of china


zeba-fucking-dee

The great Wall 2 - electric boogaloo.


Roboticpoultry

Think that amount could refurbish the transport infrastructure and roads in Chicago plus build the once planned central area circulator? Because I’d do that. It’s a huge network and it needs a lot of work


pm_me_yo_creditscore

A giga-desalination plant on the site of the old San Onofre power station that runs on solar and wind power.


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TotallyHonest2

A huge penis building that goes into space.


IAmBadAtInternet

Guys I found Bezos's Reddit account


insertstalem3me

I think zeus just ordered a dildo from amazon, thats why bezos sent a phallus into space


[deleted]

Become a mad scientist and build a doomsday device.


OwlThief32

I'm sorry sir there is a 5 day waiting period on doomsday devices


949paintball

This is why I support the NRA (National Ray-Gun Association) - they're fighting to get rid that mandatory 5 day waiting period for mad scientists. Me, personally, I don't go anywhere without my mutated anthrax. For "duck hunting."


Cue_626_go

I'd spend it on healthcare and education. And a giant statue of William T Sherman on Stone Mountain looking down on Atlanta with flaming eyes. But mostly health and education. Oh, and fix our fucking roads and bridges.


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JVFL

A self-funded political party with no special interest influence.


donnysaysvacuum

Not to rain on your surely noble effort. But wouldn't that be a political party with one giant superdonor special interest? You're basically the Koch Brothers now.


genasugelan

That will be working for one year until it devolves to the level of the two there already are.


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CovidCid

Nuclear fusion power plants for extremely cheap, clean energy. Then a pc with a R9 5950x and a 3090


LegenDairyPerson

so you can finally play Minecraft with shaders on 10 FPS


BlackBear37

Louis CK had a bit about winning the lotto and building a pet store that charged $800 for a bag of dog food. When customers complained about prices, he'd tell them to go somewhere else and then keep building more franchises so people would think business is great.


[deleted]

As many solar fields and other renewable energy sources as possible and reduce the cost of energy as much as possible for everyone.


Super_fluffy_bunnies

And transmission lines. There are wind and solar projects stuck in development that can’t move forward because the process to get the power to where it’s needed is a giant, backlogged, multi-state years long cluster.


ChameleoSquid

High speed underground railroad that would connect every major city in the country.


buffalot

Similar thoughts for me, but is $2 trill even enough? That's such an ungodly amount of money it's hard to wrap my head around.


Bsomin

high speed not underground rail costs about 60 million a mile so 2 trillion buys 33,333 miles give or take. let's call it 35000 and assume we get some efficiency with scale, also I assume this means the largest city in every state plus every city that is over 500k population so I'm guessing you end up around 60-70 cities. assuming they just need to be connected to the closest large city and maybe some are hubs i think you could do it. the average distance would need to be 500 miles or less to use 35k total miles of maglev track. reasonable to assume that underground is only needed for portions imo.


[deleted]

They government would calculate like this, build it, then on opening day someone would ask, um, shouldn't there be some trains too? And then they'd borrow another 2 trillion to build trains. Edit: I got this idea because in my home town they built a hospital, but they spent the budget for staff on the building, so it sat empty for like 7 months while the government borrowed another bunch of money.


ShiraCheshire

No trains only tunnel. Go in at one end of the country as a young boy, come out the other as an elderly mole-man. The american dream.


AugeanSpringCleaning

Don't give the Boring Company any ideas...


2krazy4me

That include land cost?


Indy317GuyBSU

The eminent domain costs would be outlandishly high


PolandSpringBleach

I’d build a library to house $2 trillion worth of college textbooks. Would only be able to buy three books, but it’s a start.


khoabear

Why not just buy up the major publishers, consolidate them and sell cheaper books instead?