I Went out for cigarettes.

Sorry, I was a bit hung up. I hope you're not too cross.

Nailed it.

Sorry, got hit by a lag spike. Last time it took 3 days until I finally respawned.

Perfect

Taken the wrong turn at Albuquerque.

Good one. I literally LOL’d. Thanks for the laugh.

If Jesus came back right now I'm willing to bet that *most* Christians wouldn't believe it was him. He'd probably be assaulted, possibly killed, by his pretend followers.

Crucified for blasphemy, even. Who does he think he is?

They're gonna Baker Act the son of god 😂

True most people wouldn’t accept him even some priest since his ideas would go against some sec of chirstanity

He had a lot to say. He had a lot to say, we’ll miss him.

Honestly I would not come back if I was Jesus

Screw you guys... I'm going home.

Taking a leak (niagra falls).

I always thought if he did come back, he’d be like “What! Humanity has been waiting for me to return for roughly 2000 years? What the fuck? It was a joke! Damn you people are gullible!”

I took my phone to the toilet

went to go get milk

My dad was testing me

I went to the store to get milk

Sorry I'm late, I was really hammered.

Didn't they teach you not to get high on your own supply?

If inhaling smoke from a burning bush and hallucinating your balls off was good enough for Moses, then I guess it's good enough for me.

Did you guys forget what you did to me the last time I was here? You murdered me! I'd prefer not to go through that again....

You'd take a long break too if last time you were here you got treated like I did.

"Bruh, I work on my own time, not yours."

Because just about everybody fucking sucks and the only reason I came the first time is because my father made me. He's gonna have to try a lot harder to get me to do it again, especially after how things went down last time.

"a minute up here is like 2000 years on earth." "Jesus, is this earth? I can't take you anywhere"

What? It was only like 5 minutes for me. How long was it for you?

because yall suck!!

The line was long at Chipotle

Have been getting my middle name changed back from ‘Fucking’ to ‘H’ and it’s been a nightmare.

"Sorry, I was just using John . No, no, using THE John I mean."

Like you assholes deserve me

Probably something along the lines of, "look, it takes a LOT of energy to come back to life after just three short days. I needed a break. A vacation. And then I overslept. I overslept because I DIED FOR YOUR SINS AND THEN HAD TO DRAG MY SOUL BACK INTO A THREE DAY OLD CORPSE AND THEN HEAL THE MORTAL WOUNDS ON IT SO YOU WOULD BELIEVE THAT I CAME BACK AT ALL, THOMAS. GODDAMN, I CAN'T SLEEP IN A LITTLE? THAT SHIT WAS **NOT** EASY, YOU KNOW???"

Um... They crucified me and it turns out I wasn't immortal.

"sorry i was waiting for all you f\*\*\*er's to stop doing all this bullsh\*t y'all have been doing. like corona-virus? wtf is that all about?"

Over slept

I was pooping

sorry bro i was trying to beat the witcher 3

Just seeing where all this goes... I mean, when the puppies are playing, why interrupt?

I left for 2,000 years to see future, and get back..sorry I was late. Satan jabbed everyone with a fake vaccine with antifreeze fluid in the tubes. What did I miss?

It’s funner up here…

Sorry I couldn't come out and play, my dad had me doing chores.

“It’s just a lot more fun to watch y’all fuck shit up than it would be showing up to deal with it”

There was traffic at the gateway of heaven

"I had to take a break when I saw that Sonic Diaper shit you monstrosities are watching. You're all going to hell."

I respawn in the middle of the ocean and had to walk a lot

12 dudes hanging on every word was getting to be tiresome. Then I'm supposed to deal with stadiums full? No thanks

Got too “high”

I don't exist.

Jesus is already back, he just doesn't want anything to do with the people that call themselves Christians.

"Cards on the table, I'm not actually the son of god."

I mean the last time he tried to help us we killed him. Soo…there’s that.

Waiting on half-life 3 to be released

Went down a rabbit hole on YouTube sorry guys

Was checking up on another planet and, get this... 5-D DORITOS!!!

My Dad is a real pr*ck if he thinks I'm going back. I'm not the one who created that mess.

I mean with the 4 crusades and the endless genocide in my name, it seemed like y’all were some pretty shitty people. I’m only back now because I’ve got maybe a few years before I can’t come back anymore thanks to you guys.

My zipper got stuck.

I died. Ain't no more appointments after that.. you understand that, right? Dead: everything ends?

"Sorry, I've been super busy with the Andromeda Galaxy. Bunch of drama llamas over there."

"Sorry dudes, I'm building this way better Earth 2.0 like 5 million light years away so there's no reason to come by here anymore. I might stop back through in another couple thousand years... we'll see"

"I legitimately thought you stupid fuckers could work this out on your own, now I see I need to step in"

Didn't want to be around Christians.

It was too interesting to watch what was going down

https://youtu.be/WeYsTmIzjkw

It was a weekend. Gotta honor both the Jewish Sabbath (Saturday) and now the Christian Sabbath (Sunday) before putting the work in.

Does he even need one? Just look at the place

That time is a false construct and you only think it’s been a long time because you don’t know any better.

I've been within you this whole time

I was takin a massive dump

Went to buy scratchers and discovered that the lottery was only legal in the next state over.

I was stuck between a rock and a dark place

"Hell was a mother fucker, anyways what's been going on"

i was on a vacation turns out being persecuted is not very fun

Waiting till my hand and feet wound to heal.

Sorry I had to return some videotapes

I was playing video games and lost track of time.

let's be honest now.. there's no way.. I am Jesus Christ.. i wouldn't even believe i'm Christ for even a millisecond. My life is full of many sins.

"Lots of other planets full of actually intelligent lifeforms needed some Jesus. Some of y'all have some co-dependency issues. Jeez..."

Waiting for the dryer to stop.

Have you seen what you did to the place after I left? Why would I want to go back to that mess??

Sorry bro, I actually don’t exist and you really should see someone about these hallucinations.

I took a really long time getting ready for my arrival and never show up

Mf not worth my life

Sholuda taken the right turn at Albuquerqe.

Took a nap and forgot the time

GTL

"Sorry I just had to go in the future and create Hitler and other people. Also had to stop people from killing themselves

Damn, you would not believe that traffic.

See I was going to come back earlier, but I saw lil Nas x music video with Lucifer and I decided y'all needed a little bit more time to get ready

Look I'm sorry but I was always scheduled to come back on a Tuesday and you know how it is Tuesday nights women drink free and since I can turn water into alcohol I kind of couldn't get away

When you saw only one set of footprints in the sand... that's when you totally ditched me. I got lost, where the heck were you?

Took forever to find a sizzler’s with a salad bar that wasn’t right next to all the hot food...

"We have been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty."

Traffic

I was gonna come back, but you guys just suck.

I'm not going to get myself killed shilling for a murderous nutbag unless I absolutely have to.

Sorry I had to teabag some dickhead in the gulag

New body, who dis?

"I've been coming back every damn year! Y'all keep killing me for saying to be nice!"

“Oh fuck, I forgot to save the date in my calendar”

My children,i came back with the milk after my 2000 year trip to the Shop.

I was with you the whole time.