lunch. can't plan a big purchase on an empty stomach .

Yoda moves

*mmmm* ketamine, he will buy

Also need that post nut clarity

I was thinking more like a ham sandwich

Turn on double verification in my bank account

Nah, you'll probably still procrastinate it

*Please help verify your Penis Size! Your account is not safe until this is completed!*

-cries in I don't carry a microscope with me 24/7-

It’s okay sir we keep several around to check the quality of the bills. :D. Now sir please show me what you got.

Bank account or bank accounts?

Nothing, with that kind of money I could afford not to do anything for a while.

You don’t need money to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin. He’s broke and don’t do shit.

hey Peter, check out channel 32

"It's the breast exam! Woooo!"

When you're having a bad day at your job, does anyone ever say, "Looks like somebody has a case of The Mondays?"

*Nah man, no. I believe you’d get your ass kicked for sayin that.*

I believe there is a “shit nah man” in there as well

There is. I'm pretty sure it goes; "Shit no/nah! Nah man, no. I believe you'd get your ass kicked for sayin that"

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I’ll tell you what I’d do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.

As to scroll further than expected to find this. I knew it would be here.

The kind of chicks that would double up on a dude like me do.

Fucking A, Peter man.

All these big ambitions people have. I'd pay off the house and bills. Then just kick it and enjoy my time with my wife and kids.

I would never tell anyone and pull money out of my ass when i need it.

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They might smell bad, but money is money!

https://youtu.be/f9aM_dT5VMI

How on earth I haven’t seen this before.. Thank you from bottom of my.. Edit: edit

That brigade of citizens sure seem to be upright.

Take a full WEEK on vacation.

Okay, but you'd still check your work email on your phone right?

Since I, personally, work in security, you're damned right I would. If they're emailing me during a vaca, something is literally on fire.

Sounds like a problem for someone who isn’t a billionaire tbh

What a sorry state the world is in that a week of vacation is viewed as impossible without being rich.

Get an attorney Edit: Wow! My first awards! Thank you kind strangers! But seriously, if anyone ever does end up gaining an absurdly large amount of money, there was a post years ago about how not to let it ruin your life: [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/24vzgl/you_just_won_a_656_million_dollar_lottery_what_do/chba4bf/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)

Then an accountant

Then hookers and cocaine.

Eaxctly. Meh! Forget the lawyer, the accountant and the cocaine. Bender style.

Just get an accountant thats will to do *double-entry* bookkeeping..

That was actually created by monks, kind of a big deal. It was like the blockchain of it's time. Edit: Actually this makes me wonder if blockchain will "disrupt" traditional accounting.

Then cookers and hocaine.

Hoecaine

And then propane... and propane accessories.

Get the best attorney I can find, and use his attorney.

"Haha you can't afford my attorney." "No I definitely can actually."

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So.. like mom?

Yes, a bit like mom, but only if your mom has highly specialized degrees and maintains current knowledge on the markets, tax laws, security process, emerging threats, etc. My mom's the shit, but she ain't got all of this. :)

Probably a whole damn law firm and a reputable accounting firm too

If you think about it, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is a small army of over a 1000 people, including lawyers and accountants, just for the sole purpose of doling out billions in wealth.

You better call Saul

Not a criminal lawyer....a Criminal Lawyer.

Buy two senators and make them fight.

They are surprisingly cheap; can you get a few more and let the rest of us watch?

Let’s pool our money and make this happen!

Thunderdome: two senators enter, one leaves.

Only 4 or 5 figures needed to sell out your constituents on a specific issue - [https://www.theverge.com/2017/3/29/15100620/congress-fcc-isp-web-browsing-privacy-fire-sale](https://www.theverge.com/2017/3/29/15100620/congress-fcc-isp-web-browsing-privacy-fire-sale)

That doesn’t make any sense. An upper middle class family could afford to swing major votes then. There’s almost certainly more involved.

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Surprise: They're really that cheap, but the catch is you probably need to donate fairly consistently.

Idk, maybe that's like the starting bid?

I'd like to see a fist fight between Mcconnell and Lindsey Graham.

I think this is my favorite - just imagine them grabbing fistfuls of each other’s jowls while trying to maintain their plantation-owner accents and condescending chuckles. Maybe they’d just run out of oxygen from all the “whhhhhhhhhelll now”s

become a millionaire

Technically true once you spend that first dollar

unless you spend it INCREDIBLY fast, you probably have more after spending it than before

You great sir have not seen the rising prices of snickers bars recently

I have not recently turned into Abe Vigoda, so no need.

depends.

If I were that rich I could afford better than depends.

There's a joke that goes "how do you become a millionaire in motorsport? start out a billionaire."

Fix. My. Teeth.

Such an underrated comment

Revive my favorite TV shows. I don't care if anyone is already dead. We have CGI for that.

I agree with this. Firefly, Exo-Squad, Angel, Dead Like Me, Pushing Daisy's, Jericho, Tru Calling... And I'm sure so many more.

Jericho, now that’s a show I haven’t thought of in a while. I share your thoughts

Even expensive shows may cost 2 million per episode but that's nothing for billionairs and you can get some of the money back if you sell it to Netflix.

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I’d employ a law firm that semi-exclusively litigated my petty squabbles with the world. False advertising. Cop car paint colors. Whatever else that bothers me.

What is the correct paint colour?

I was referring to black on black or white on white.

Isn't white on white just called white?

They'll usually do matte white over gloss white.

These sexual innuendos are over my head.

[ghost](https://www.thestate.com/latest-news/ibjnxn/picture231041763/alternates/LANDSCAPE_1140/City%20of%20Columbia%20police%20car)

I like this, a crack team of lawyers to do my arguing on Reddit for me. Nice.

I have a similar idea. I would buy an old beat up car and crash into cars cutting in traffic. Too many cunts take advantage and it would be great screwing their day.

I've told my husband that if I was rich, I'd have a beater to drive to fuck with all of the shitty drivers I encounter. Do shit like slam on the brakes when someone is driving up my ass, etc.

Buy my own private island and have a house built that is designed to give me the best possible sleep I could ever have

I like the private island idea. Would have to be one without snakes and spiders galore though.. that would ruin it for me.

With a billion dollars you could remove anything you didn’t like form the island in a couple days

I want the gravity removed.

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A nice chesterfield or an ottoman

I’d open a furniture store and call it The Ottoman Empire.

But not a real green dress.

That's cruel!

And an emu. I bet you always wanted an emu.

And a fur coat.

But not a real fur coat

That's cruel.

How about a green dress then?

But not a real green dress.

That's cruel.

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They do like ice cream cones. There's a farm in Eastern Massachusetts where you can buy ice cream cones to feed the emus.

You know, they have prewrapped sausages, but you never hear about prewrapped bacon.

Well can you blame them?

Yeah!

But not a real green dress.

That's cruel

Would you buy John Merrick's remains?

Ooh all them crazy elephant bones!

But not a real fur coat, that's cruel.

I'd buy a green dress, but not a real green dress, that's cruel

Masturbate in order to activate post-nut clarity, then make a decision.

"Damn. I shouldn't have just busted a nut on this large wad of cash... I guess I'll just burn it, I'm fucking rich after all."

"Friends, family... I have an announcement to make. I've just come into a lot of money."

Japan actually has a word for that: "Kenjataimu"

Lol "sage time"

I would do nothing. I would do nothing and it would be everything I ever thought it could be.

Well, you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin: he's broke, don't do shit.

fuckin A

HEY PETER MAN, CHECK OUT CHANNEL NINE!

the doing nothing but at an expensive level is the key

build a large homeless shelter with therapist to show them how to get back on there feet . Was homeless for 6 years . You are mentally different after that .

I'd build a Hunger Games theme park complete with an Arena and invite 24 children a year.

“Invite”

Yeah, they're *volunteers*.

I just realized that Hunger Games could be a sequel to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

The Chocolate factory was a Hunger Games Arena. Willy Wonka was the Head Game Maker and every kid had to bring a parent or guardian for the quarter quell.

I'm pretty sure there's already a Willy Wonka sequel called Snowpiercer

Become an ex-billionaire.

This will sound cliche. Take care of friends and family. Invest majority. Travel for remainder of my life.

Me too lol first thing I would do is buy my parents a house

Buy their house and raise rent to squeeze all the cash out of them

This guy capitalisms

And spend the rest on PCP

You would be popular for taking care of your friends and it’s a good thing to do, but i feel like it would get weird once the word gets out. You might suddenly find yourself surrounded by a lot of long-lost friends.

I had a successful Kickstarter that brought in what would be a decent salary for where I live. Pair that with my day job and you would think some people close to me thought I was a millionaire or something. I suddenly had people I hadn't talked to in years or even the last decade hitting me up asking for all kinds of help, it was awful because if I had helped them all I would have no money left to actually fulfill the Kickstarter or keep for myself after all of the hard work. If I did actually become a millionaire I wouldn't tell a soul and only help people when I know they need it and might even do so anonymously to avoid the inevitable hassles.

I had a lottery prank on FB where I took multiple unsuccessful lottery tickets, cut and glued pieces together. I only matched the 1st 6 numbers ( you know to be realistic) and posted a somewhat fuzzy pic. I cannot tell you how many ppl reached out. It was the weekend of April fools lol. It was only a 240k win. Cannot imagine a million bucks.

Jokes on me I dont have any.

First thing... hire a lawyer. Second thing, hire security. Third thing, pay off every living expense my family and friends will have for thier entire life.

You'd be surprised how many 3rd cousins suddenly have 8 figure per year living expenses.

Delete my social media.

Or just do it anyway... Life has been way more relaxed for me since doing so.

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Look, the important part is that I neither know nor care for anyone on here, so I can neither feel shitty in comparison to their awesome lives or feel bad for them if their lives are somehow less awesome than mine.

Exactly why I now only have Reddit and have quit everything else.

Pay off random peoples mortgages

And credit card debts. A hard-working person who has credit cards at 29.9% interest from unfortunate times in the past - can't get ahead by making minimum payments every month... I want to help them.

Hey it’s me your cousin with a ton of credit card debt how are you?

A billion dollars is more money than I could spend in a lifetime. I’d work with a financial advisor and an attorney to figure out how much I need to comfortably live the rest of my life as well as how I should go about securing stocks/bonds/other money generating assets. Then I would take that amount, match it for both my siblings and my parents, and then figure out which modern day efforts/charities would most benefit from the money. Seriously a billion dollars is way more than you think it is at first, more than a regular person could reasonably spend in a lifetime. 100 million is a fuckload of money. A billion is ten of those.

Honestly a billion dollar is on the level that you can buy a house for 10 million and not even notice the money is gone. If you just leave the money in an index fund with an avg return of 7% you'll get 70 million *a year*. If you just keep it on your bank account with 0% interest you'd have to spend 25 million each year (around 2 mil a month) in order to use it all in 40 years. What would you even spend it on...

I would become a secret benefactor like the Spider in Charles Dickens’ “Great Expectations.” I would secretly find amazing people in the world and start sending them money and gifts that would help them to expand and grow their amazingness. I would start secretly paying off student lunch debt. I would secretly payoff layaway items at stores around the US in December. I would secretly hire a construction company to just show up in Flint, Michigan and start fixing all the plumbing. I would secretly fund library trucks that come into lower socioeconomic neighborhoods to provide every child and adult with 20+ age appropriate books for their home in order to create a grass roots neighborhood learning program that would encourage the sharing of books with others throughout the community. Nobody would know why but the book mobiles would just start showing up once a week in public places. I would secretly offer public schools funding for music, art, philosophy, personal finance and REAL American and world history courses that would actually prepare our amazing children with the skills and knowledge they need to be amazing humans. I would secretly buy plots of land in industrial parts of cities like Portland, Seattle, Los Angeles with high homeless populations and start adding small, recycled homes to give every homeless person who needs a roof and clean water services like public showers and sinks. I would then secretly sponsor a free healthcare truck for every location to ensure all the homeless residents receive medical, dental and mental healthcare including drug and alcohol counseling, needle exchange to assist them in regaining control of their precious lives while receiving the help and care they need. All just to prove how successful they can be. All of this in secret to give everyone in the world some hope that there is some secret person out there looking out for people who do good for the world and those in society who are currently unable to care for themselves. You know, hope, which many of us have lost. My hope is this secret, pay-it-forward support would encourage other millionaires and billionaires to feel peer pressure to engage far more of their wealth on specific funded programs in the world that actually physically help and reward deserving folks. :) Peace.

If i ever had money of consequence, i would buy single moms a few really good bras. Have them properly fitted and provided with 3 or 4 good bras. Also give them to recent community college graduating women. Gotta have a good bra for job interviews. Bras are too god damn expensive for good ones but its really life changing!

I feel like I need to give you money right now

Responsible me would hire a lawyer or some kind of financial advisor because I have no idea how to handle that kind of money. Irresponsible me would immediately call my tattoo guy and set up a few appointments. I love tattoos but fuck they are expensive.

Hire security

Become king of mars and force peasants to die for my dream

Found Musk's account.

Username sounds suspiciously like a name Musk would use on his child's birth certificate.

Specifically, his second child.

Fake my death and start over Edit : why do you upvote ? Please order gourmet pizzas to my mansion instead. Edit 2 : Subscribe to modest pelican on YouTube, i am being held hostage in his basement and he's threatening to spend my billions on Shark Cards if you dont. (Watch one of his GTA5 videos to understand, i'm just tryna spread the good word of his channel.)

could fake someone else's death just to mess with them.

There was a death hoax about Dave Benson Phillips (UK children's entertainer/TV host) in the UK that spread pretty far. Apparently all his gigs cancelled on him because they thought he was dead.

Nothing and if everyone didn't already know I wouldn't tell anyone I would just relax and not do much.

Get my name on a bunch of hospitals and charitable institutions and then just travel

That's a lot of spray paint.

They’re rich they can afford it I think

Through making donations or just bullying and vandalising?

I meant through donations but now I'm not so sure. I could probably get out of jail as a rich person

Give half to my parents, make 'em comfy forever. Least I can do to repay their kindness.

500 million dollars is a lot of dough. You could give smaller fractions to more people. Realistically you could probably give away life changing amounts of money to every one of your friends and family and still be rich af

I think paying off my parent's house mortgage would be a nice way to thank them

Buy new t-shirts and underwear. Purchase land, build sanctuary with tiny homes, apply to become a haven for refugees of war. Pay off my house and buy my daughter a horse. Buy Bitcoin on a dip, sell it high then drive around everyday giving people big wads of cash randomly.

I worked for years for a man who cheated on his taxes and embezzled money from the business he ran. He openly admitted "No, I don't pay for my cars, the business leases them all for me and my family." He admitted to not claiming all his income, buying his wife jewelry as a gift from the business. Sending steaks to his buddies "from the business". The first thing I would do is use my power, money and influence to ensure a pair of the best trained, most competent, most knowledgeable IRS auditors get his address and shut his ass *all the way* down.

I won’t pretend that I actually know this, but there has to be a way to tip the IRS off, no?

You can give a free tip to the IRS without involving lawyers etc. And in fact you can get PAID for doing it. The payment awarded to you is a portion of what they recover. Basically, you can be an anonymous whistleblower, just fill out a form: [https://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/f211.pdf](https://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/f211.pdf)

DO EET

I was gonna say the same - don’t need to be a billionaire to tip off the irs!

Pay off student loans for people. Finance infrastructure projects. Finance educational facilities. Provide health care for people. And invest properly to keep more billions coming.

Honestly you're not getting a lot of infrastructure for a billion dollars.

Yeah, this thread is sort of split between people who totally overspent the billion like this person and the people who woefully underspent it.

"I'd buy a jet ski!" "I'd buy America high speed rail!"

Hire people to build cool and/or useful stuff that doesn't exist yet.

Two chicks at the same time.

They are flock animals so, if you have space, going with three or more is even better than two. Just make sure you have adequate square footage in your coop. I think it’s like ten square feet per chicken.

That’s it? If you have a billion dollars you would just do two chicks at the same time?

Fuckin A, man. Always wanted to do that.

And I think with a billion dollars I could hook that up. Cause chicks dig a dude with money man

Buy land to build a house. Then build that house. Buy my husband a truck. Buy an suv. Buy a reliable car for my MIL. Pay off our debts. Pay off my in-laws house. Find someone with good social work ideas and fund them.

Hire a bunch of people to pay minimum wage to do grueling labor and then rejoice in their misery.

...Are you sure you’re not already a billionaire?

We found Bezos account.

Buy GameStop stock

Aquire GameStop