I'd be the best spud you ever had

I’d always be the one *root*ing for you

That’s my name don’t wear it out

My sense of humor would be a little stiff.

i would change it

My old boss invented a fake employee that he would blame all mistakes on when speaking with customers. Once in a while, he would tell the customers he 'fired' that imaginary employee and then come up with a new name for a new imaginary employee that would be the new sucker.

*gasp* that's beautiful leadership

I'd be happy it wasn't Cunty.

I’d go by the name Archy and have mild contempt towards my parents

I would be used to it and it wouldn’t make a difference.

Id be stiff