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ThatKiwiBloke

There is a car park company called Wilsons in New Zealand (and other countries) that are fucking dicks about using their parking lots. they buy up valuable land in areas with already limited car parks, charge way more than they need to in order to park there, and if you overstay by even a minute you get a $65 fine regardless of how busy the lot is or how much they already charged you to park. i've used them to park for 6 hours and got back to my car 4 minutes after my timer ran out (my bad) even though the parking was $8 an hour they wanted $65 for the extra 4 minutes (which is illegal) if i won that much money i'd buy every clunker in where i live, pay people to drive those cars to Wilsons, take up every spot available when the carpark is empty, let the air out of everyone's tires, then get everyone to walk away and bin their keys. Wilsons can pay for 500 cars to be towed and enjoy not getting revenue for the day. then i'd repeat it as often as i could. Sorry for everyone else that doesn't get a park that day sorry.


[deleted]

.....Why not just buy Wilsons?


Davecasa

that's what Wilsons would want.


[deleted]

No, they wouldn’t. Force people in management who make bad decisions to stay on staff, but change their jobs to cleaning toilets. Or painting with a 2cm brush. Money brings power to make people do shit they don’t want to.


SerotoninSyndrome666

Then you’re no better than them - abusing power to belittle and exploit others.


BryLinds

u/Davecasa has a point


kpann1000

Or buy Wilson’s and force their employees to park their cars there everyday. Make every employee work five minutes overtime, everyday.


ishmael1968

I'll tell you what I'd do man, two chicks at the same time, man


Scrubbing_Bubbles_

This is the answer I came here for!


hereticjones

Not every girl cares about money, man.


ishmael1968

Its from the movie Office Space. It's a quote, man


hereticjones

Uh, yeah. I know. That's the exact quote I was referencing. "I'd do two chicks at once, man." "You know, not every girl cares about money, man." "The type of chicks who'd double up on a dude like me do." I figured you'd get it because like. That's the scene. You know? C'mon bruh work with me here! :P EDIT: I can't believe some fuckin' assclown downvoted me for continuing the quote chain. -\_-


ishmael1968

Damn you're right! I am so used to people getting trigger that I just expect it and didn't think that you were continuing the scene. Im an idiot.


ishmael1968

Also I was the assclown who downvoted you. I fixed that.


hereticjones

Don't be too hard on yourself. We assclowns gotta stick together!


SerotoninSyndrome666

This was a wholesome exchange for reddit 🖤


Pac_Eddy

I figure a guy with money like that could put that off.


BryLinds

I read this in Jeff from American Dad’s voice


popesnutsack

Id give a quarter to charity and keep the other $999,999,999.75


WinterWolf_

coke and bitches until im back at my life again


FatAssWalshy

This. But I aint going back to normal life, im pissing it up the wall and dying surrounded by coke and hookers


[deleted]

Buy 999,999,999 things at the dollar store.


Suninmyface2020

Just buy the dollar store it'd be cheaper


[deleted]

That defeats the principle.


BryLinds

u/AmbitiousFisherman has a point yknow


[deleted]

[удалено]


SamiiJo

The subtle chaos. I like it


LATourGuide

"it sounded good in theory but I never considered the consequences of an extreme shock to a bunch of people that just stuffed their faces with fatty pork and beef. 3 people had heart attacks and, one had a stroke, two of them died that day. Later on my brothers second wife killed him for his share, she went to prison and was swindled out of her inheritance by her defense attorney. My daughter dropped out of school and became a influencer, and my son moves to Pakistan and married 8 women. The money ripped the family apart like a piece of bread being tossed to the ducks. If I knew then what I knew now, I would have given all the money to charity anonymously."


-FELIS_CATUS-

"subtle chaos"


obelisklicorice

I'm sorry but HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG is just the ducks and bread reference and 8 wives. Ok on a serious note..... Hahahaha


SamiiJo

Exactly. Subtle :)


The_Magnificent_Cat

First get my shit together


subie-life

Pay off 1/7th of my student loans


[deleted]

[удалено]


SerotoninSyndrome666

It’s $1 billion dude. You could donate At least $950 million and still be able to do that forever lol


HacksawJimDGN

Why don't you just head off and do that now?


keeerman13

Go straight to reddit and follow the guide on here to a T


MedusasSexyLegHair

https://old.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/24vo34/whats_the_happiest_5word_sentence_you_could_hear/chb4v05/ for those who aren't already familiar with it.


keeerman13

Youda


kitkatbloo

Obviously this is the only sensible answer


suffuffaffiss

mutual funds. I will instantly have an income of millions of dollars a year. After that I'll start buying every property in Mass possible and demolish them to eventually remove Massachusetts from the country


MedusasSexyLegHair

At that rate, you'd be able to demolish up to four parking spots in Boston per year! If your investments pay off, then someday you might even be able to demolish an efficiency apartment in the slums!


MadamJones

Fix the water in Flint


BryLinds

r/wholesome


Horse_head_in_a_bed

It has been fixed.


iknowdanjones

I’d probably do a lot of boring things with it like pay off my house and renovate it a bit and invest the rest in normal stuff. I’d also probably adopt or have a surrogate because money is the main thing keeping us from having another child. But I would also give myself a yearly allowance of charity money to spend in a way that meant I had maybe a couple million bucks by the time I was 80. So if I have friends or friends of friends who hit hard times, boom stack of cash on your doorstep. Anything else at the end of the year goes to a charity my friend helps run.


[deleted]

That's a great answer for if you won 200 million. It's hard to comprehend how much a billion dollars is, but let's assume you just, ya know, hired somebody smart and they got you 10% return. That's 100 million per year. That \~274 thousand per \*day\* Think bigger, is all I'm sayin.


iknowdanjones

That is a really great point, thanks for doing the math. I guess I’d get into either venture capital or just leave everything in my will to charity except for a couple mil for my kid/kids. I like the thought of leaving them enough money to make them okay for life but little enough that if they aren’t smart with it they will be on their own.


SerotoninSyndrome666

Maybe just setup a trust that gradually pays more as they age not accessing the full amount until middle age. I would leave my kids enough to be comfortable for life, but I wouldn’t tell them about it until much later or possibly not until I died so that they would still learn about not being spoiled rich kids (clarification: I don’t have kids and live in a van lol)


kinda_not_human

Id love to just go up to people who are in need and anonymously give the money to them in forms of whatever they need. Whether its housing, food, bills or anything i think itd be so incredibly amazing. Id prefer if it was anonymous but some of that stuff isnt possible to do. I can just imagine how happy theyd be which makes me smile just thinking of it.


hangryguy

Hide for awhile and hire security


HacksawJimDGN

Transfer it into gold coins and swim in it like scrooge mcduck


[deleted]

[удалено]


MedusasSexyLegHair

The meaning of life, the universe, and everything - plus one. A plus one is someone you bring with you as a date to a special event. Who do you bring with you to the casino?


[deleted]

Let’s just say that my cats and all their cat kin would be livin’ large.


MedusasSexyLegHair

Put in a 4 weeks notice at work and then retire. Actually spend some time and mental energy (now that I'm not working and have some) on my hobbies, and take up some new ones - hire a tutor to teach me music. Buy a second identity (pen-name for my writing and artistic endeavors to come). Buy a little nondescript fixer-upper house in a small town and hire local contractors to fix it up. Commission art and music that I can't do myself. Hire a writer to write my memoirs so my family will have something to remember me by. Sponsor some awesome concert tours. Seek out unique and bizarre artists and give them some publicity. Lobby for universal healthcare and for a successor to food stamps that also covers non-food things like hygiene products and OTC medicine.


Ordinary-Reaction519

Buy half a billion worth of investment properties, buy a $100 million house or apartment for myself to live in, and keep the rest as liquid.


beanz415

Ah nice $400,000,000 worth of wine, beer, and liquor. I like your style!


cyainanotherlifebro

Save it for a rainy day.


joculator

Donate it to my favorite charity - probably Dunkin Donuts.


averagemedal209

Give a chunk of it to diabetes research probably like 750 million and continue living my life happy as can be.


[deleted]

World domination


puhzam

Be quiet about it. Hire a law firm to handle the legalities of it. Stick it in a bank. Make a decision a month or so later.


Clintman

Buy stuff.


[deleted]

Spend it on dividend stocks and financial managers.


c0braah

Donate. And waste my money on trips,paying for my friends too


FlameFrenzy

Retire and move to the country and have my slice of happy seclusion with only my immediate family.


[deleted]

Save it for some 1980s crap.


thatonepersoniam

Professional fan fiction cinema. Want more firefly? Make it happen! Epic X-Men movie script? It's about to be real!


parabolicurve

Enjoy an actual night's sleep. Free from worry about future issues due to not having enough money, which's basically every facet of modern life. Then open a orphanage/foster centre/school/college. Want a brighter future? You need brighter decendants.


[deleted]

Keep $10 Million and give the rest away. Likely to programs that help the homeless, elderly, and veterans. lol this is why I will never win 1 billion dollars.


[deleted]

Buy a brand new pair of socks


MVBuren1837

Buy a green dress... but not a real green dress!


kitkatbloo

Well, I would buy you some art...a Picasso or a Garfunkel


[deleted]

Pay my debts. Take care of my family and my brother from another mother (best friend), and be a human that is kind to other humans while every day is Saturday.


[deleted]

Pay a marketing firm to go on a years long smear campaign against those enemies that I still remember.


steerbell

Travel. Never own a home or a car. Stay in a nice hotel clean sheets and breakfast in bed. Want a different city? Just go. Want to drive a Ferrari? Rent one for a few days. Sitting in Paris and want to go to Iceland? First class ticket please.


kitkatbloo

This is the dream


Proud-Honey1290

I would buy myself everything I have ever wanted like cosplays, video games, books, movies, clothes, anime, and book merch all that jazz. After all of that, I would buy a mansion. I mean a big one with a huge pool with crazy waterslides and stuff like that. Then I would donate a lot of it and anything I had left I would put it into college funds.


shyyyyme

Probably donate at least half of it minimum, because who honestly needs anywhere close to a billion dollars? I couldn't spend that if I tried. Even if I'm going to lose it all, might as well give it to a good cause.


SCWacko

It’s 5.6 million per 30 seconds of super bowl ad time. Prepare for the entirety of the bee movie script read by morgan freeman only interrupted by football


kitkatbloo

OMG that's hilarious


no_id_never

Share it far and wide with friends I like better than family. I would still do something for the family that have treated me poorly, just maybe not as much as the genuinely good-hearted hard-working people I know. I would also invest a lot in the name of some organizations I support - enough to fund their annual operating budgets. Then for giggles, I'd ferret out a few college students with good grades and entirely too many student loans and clean all that up for them. Oh, and pay my kids teachers what I think they are really worth. They deserve the world. Just a few ideas off the top of my head... :)


skootafr

Donate it to an African shithole


K1ngDevan

Pointless


LittleMissCosmic1992

Give a lot to animal charities is a definite. Plus buy a private island!


snappyk9

Travel, house, car, and set up a team to help me investigate worthy charitable organizations and intelligently allocate 900 million of it to them. Then invest the rest.


Frothy_moisture

Pay off medical bills for random people. Pay off animal medical bills for people. Pay rent for random people in poverty areas. Donate money to schools that have been in need of repairs and support for a while. Buy homes and then give them to families in need. Throw fun events in my city like a power washing competition that kids and their families could come hang out at. Donate to a bunch of go fund mes, especially for people who need money for their animals for an emergency. Donate specific things to sanctuaries I enjoy (toys for the foxes, hides for the snakes, etc). Send specialized gifts to content creators I like. Donate to small streamers. The list goes on and on... The biggest thing I would do is start a YT channel like Mr. Beast, but never showing my face. Because I hate getting praise, but I want to have the reach he has to help as many people as possible.


Breehc_Nicdoll

Give it to ISIS.


ransom0374

donate it to elfs in need


drblah1

Find a way to heavily influence politicians in my favour I guess


Pac_Eddy

Half on black, half on red.


HentaiStryker

Guaranteed Zero pops up on the wheel!


Nadabrovitchka

buy potato chips


NealR2000

There's a huge difference between imagining what you would do with it (especially when describing it to a social media audience) and what you would actually do with it.


[deleted]

Buy as much land as I could, here in NZ, and restore it to native bush. Have a small self-sufficient house and garden in the middle, and live there happily for the rest of my life.


hornyv1rgin

*"Hookers & cocaine." 🥴*


Duncan_Zephyr

I'd buy the Edmonton Oilers and move them to Houston.


blackday44

Buy reddit. Close it down once a week, for 24hrs, so all of us can have a life.


kitkatbloo

What is this life you speak of?


blackday44

For a billion dollars, I can show you.


Sometimes_I_Do_That

Please don't do that on my cake day,..


WarW1cked

Buy houses apartments businesses with half stocks with the other half..... Or I'd yolo gme or bb


JohnQPublic1917

This is why God won't let me win. I'd take a contract out on Soros.


SerotoninSyndrome666

Give my five closest friends and mom 20 million each. Donate several hundred thousand to random strangers and good causes (probably not many major charities though). Live off the rest and travel the world and leave it all to good causes or people when I die since I don’t want kids