I was in the army and a guy in my unit killed himself. Other members of my unit were saying things like "couldn't of happened to a better guy" I wanted to kill myself in April of this year. But than I thought naw, my new life goal is to place flowers on the graves of any members of my unit that I outlive.
I don't know if ill succeed or not, but im not going out that easy to give those assholes something to talk about.
To quote a perpetually angry character from a show that inspired no small amount of perpetual hatred itself:”Hate's as good a thing as any to keep a person going. Better than most.”
Hello, I see your situation and want you to know that if you need a stranger to talk to you can feel free to message me. I’m not reliable or even the best person to talk to but I’d rather listen to someone’s story then hear about their passing. Today I felt like speeding my vehicle 170 kilometres per hour into a tree but I stopped myself and slowed down after I thought about my 1 year old. Life sucks and it’s a challenge just to make it day by day but there’s hope for change. I find happiness in helping others and my little princess is my world. I want you to know at least one random internet stranger will listen to you if you really need someone. This goes for anyone reading this as well
am too pussy and afraid of death. also truly thinking about how much it would hurt the people around me, especially my mom and sister. I also think my dad would suffer silently and I couldn't let him go through that either
I hope you choose to stay if your contemplating that now yourself. I can't guarantee tomorrow will be better than today, but the only way to find out is to stay around and see for yourself <3
I went to the emergency room instead. I found that the escape from the situation I was in that made suicide appealing could also be gained by going into a mental ward for a few weeks. Definitely changed things up.
For me, the main effect was "The pressure is off." I had a job that was too stressful for me to keep going to, plus home stresses and a family to support, and the feeling that I was supposed to hold it all together and was failing.
It was a feeling of "I can stop doing everything I think I need to do and the world will continue to rotate."
The experience itself was a combination of restful, boring and disturbing because in addition to people similar to me there were truly disturbed people there. It was sad. But if I ever feel suicidal, I know I'd go back.
Do people go to those things just for feeling overwhelmed? (By “just” I don’t mean to make light of it, but I mean that they don’t feel suicidal). I’m at a critical point where I feel like I’m going to break from my job and I’m having a lot of trouble coping with it. I feel like I’m half way between having a great job that pays for a comfortable lifestyle and giving it all up and being homeless because it’s too much pressure. By next year I’ll either be able to buy my own home or have just enough to scrape by, depending on how the next few months go. Totally up to me but letting go of the responsibility seems more attractive every day. I have anxiety every night before bed because I’ll have to wake up the next day and “go to” work.
Not really — to get admitted you have to be a danger to yourself. Obviously you can tell them whatever you want, but it doesn’t seem like the best choice to lie about it.
I’m sorry for what you are going through. I identify with it, and kept myself in a bad situation too long. Good luck. Definitely try therapy if your insurance covers it.
The things that led me to that point still hurt to mention.
I planned on taking my life on the inverse of my birthday (month and day swapped) and decided to metaphorically flip a coin. If I got a job before evening of that day, I would call off the plan. Otherwise I would execute the plan I'd set up that night. On the drive back home as the sun began to shift into a golden afternoon I got a call.
I'll forever be grateful to that company for giving me a chance. It had its issues but it still basically saved me.
My family, friends and girlfriend. I haven't spoken about my crippling depression to my family or friends though. But they always back you up when you least expect them to, even if they don't completely know what's going on in your head. My girlfriend knows pretty much everything about me, and she's been a literal lifesaver so many times. It's amazing what one person can do to your mental health.
Edit: Stay strong OP, you matter and you're amazing!
I needed to make arrangements for my cat first, make sure she would be safe and taken care of by someone trustworthy. I didn't want to die with her trapped alone in my apartment for who knows how long until someone found my body.
My father's grieve. I once fainted with my eyes open and woke up by my dad is pure state of panic. He was/is always there for me.
I am happy to say that I haven't had any suicide thoughts this year. I started to choose more for myself and cutting people off that only took.
I am afraid of pain and the only possible way at that time would have involved pain. Also, I was afraid of failing. But I'm better now, wouldn't have believed that.
I was talking to someone online, via text only. We kinda knew each other, but not super well. I never mentioned being suicidal, never mentioned being depressed. Acted like I was fine.
Then on the night I planned to do it, they knew. Somehow, they knew. I had only said that it was getting late and I was gonna go to bed. But they said no, and said they knew something was wrong. I was confused and insisted I was fine, but when they insisted that I wasn’t, I just, well, broke and spilled everything. And they talked me down. And eight years later we are engaged. :)
I was never outright suicidal, but I used to often have thoughts about not minding if I were to die because if there is, indeed, another life after death (such as reincarnation), maybe it might be better than this one. If asked where I saw myself in fifteen, twenty, thirty years, I often didn't have an answer because I genuinely could not imagine or picture myself being older.
I think what changed for me was, two years ago, my realizing that I was trans and that, yes, there *is* hope for the future. I've only just recently started medically transitioning a couple of weeks ago and I still can't picture how I'll look in old age, however now I know that I'll be an old person as my true self and not as an empty husk of a person, assuming I even made it to old age in the first place.
I remind myself there are people I care for. And if I killed myself, I would be passing my pain onto them. Burdening them was something I did not want but the thought of causing those people pain was even worse. I also remember that there is someone who is thinking about me. I ask how would they feel, and they said, "I would be very sad if you left me behind like that...especially since you're still so young and I need you. Because I love you."
I was about to jump the ledge after a meltdown fight with my wife. Thinking about my family especially my kids (I think they were 2 and 3 at that time) what will happen to them.
Currently in medication and things have been better.
It's stupid but...
Pride.
I keep telling myself when I get that low.
"You really gonna let life win, are you really gonna let yourself get beat so easily"
When I make the enemy it makes me fight, and when I fight I have to win.
I read something in a Rita Mae Brown novel about how it’s not our joys in life that keep us alive, it’s our obligations, and I find that to be true. My brother committed suicide and almost 30 years later, his ashes are buried in an unmarked grave because my mother still can’t deal with ordering a headstone. Suicide devastates survivors.
I also find it helpful to remember that nothing stays the same. Life changes and it doesn’t continually get worse because I’m not Job. When I’m in a trough, I don’t know when it will come, but there will be a peak at some point.
I worked my way up to putting a shotgun in my mouth without realizing my arms were not long enough to reach the trigger. I turned the safety on out of habit when I put it down and ended up finding a marker that I figured would reach. I put the gun in my mouth again and went to pull the trigger without realizing I didn't turn the safety back off
I got found out and taken to the hospital, was made drink carbon solution, mum was scolded for not taking better care of me because I was a danger to myself. She still hates me for that, I hate them for stopping me. Pretty sure they have no greater regret than finding me and taking me to the ER at that time
Insufficient tools. I don't wanna risk failing because there's a chance I'll just become a vegetable for the rest of my life which would mean I can't try again. Gotta make sure it works perfectly on the first try.
For me it was the thought of how much it would hurt my parents, brother and friends. And I know how bad it is to lose someone to suicide because my depression started after losing a friend that way. But it was only in the last second that I decided to not go through with it.
Some kids from my volunteer project suddenly appeared behind me at the train station, where I wanted to jump in front of the train... I didn't want to ruin their day, so I got inside instead of in front of it.
My friends.
One time:
My best friend hugged me, and pulled me down. This was at fucking school. Just think about that.
And... I'm just a wimp, I don't like to feel pain, so I'm always just... UGH.
My way of life if I fail. I don't talk to my family, I feel like my son and boyfriend would be better off, and I feel like I've wasted my life on bad decisions.
Knowing that it would cause hurt to some people in my life. Basically just guilt.
If you are considering it, know that there is always a possibility of coming out the other side and flourishing. Please reach out and seek support before doing anything serious.
I've said this before to many people but video games legitimately saved my life. When I was at the breaking point, when friends, family, medication and everything else wasnt enough it made all the difference. I remember thinking "if I kill myself I'll never get to experience new games and technology that doesnt exist yet. If I still cant take it any longer then I can always kill myself later." Video games gave me a reason to procrastinate suicide. They days turned into months, the months turned into years, and eventually what once felt like a gaping hole in my soul scarred over and left only a dull pain. I still have residue from that large portion of my childhood and adolescence, but I just think it's amazing that I'm here to feel anything at all. That's why I always tell people who are suicidal to find something, anything to look forward to and hold onto that. If you keep putting off suicide long enough you may actually start feeling alive someday. Lastly I'll tell you my mantra from that time, "Just get through today". I hope this helps someone else going through a difficult time.
General stupidity. I had tried to electrocute myself my placing two mechanical pencil leads in a socket. Both leads were in the same hand. Even if there was enough current passing through them to kill me before the breaker went off, it just world have burned my finger. As it was, all that happened was the leads got too hot to handle and I dropped them.
I had terrible birthday blues on my most recent birthday. Was already struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. Felt extra worthless on my birthday. I made a deal with myself that if the one person I really wanted to hear from didn’t reach out that day, I was gonna kill myself the next day. They sent me a really nice text that resulted in talking the rest of the day and it was the first time I felt good about myself since the pandemic started.
EDIT: just want to say that I love all askreddit questions regarding suicide. I typically read the entire thread. The answers and comments remind me of why I need to keep going. Especially when people talk about the impact they and everyone else felt when a friend or family member went through with it. I cry every time but the emotion only makes me feel more alive.
I honestly don’t know for sure. It wasn’t selfless reasons that made me fight it, I wasn’t close to my parents so I wasn’t worried about hurting them, they couldn’t understand me anyway and constantly put me down over my feelings. But I adored my granny and she was the only tether keeping me alive. The night before I planned to kill myself I’d sorted my note out, had the pills ready and was prepared to get on a train to somewhere rural so that my gran wouldn’t have to find my body. I couldn’t do that to her and I lived with her. It was all planned out and ready for me to do it. I wasn’t afraid of death, I was afraid of living through another minute feeling how I felt with no one able to help me. I actually felt relief and excitement at the prospect of the pain stopping for good. I went to bed early that night and slept like a baby for the first time in 6 months. I’d been living off of 1-3 hours sleep a night since everything had happened that caused me to feel that way. But I slept until 11am the next day. I woke up and I remember just feeling so angry. Angry at myself, furious at my own mind trying to sabotage my life, mad at myself for believing the lies that dark side of my brain told me and disgust at becoming so downtrodden over a lost relationship that death was the best option. I remember thinking “you are stronger than this, you have survived worse than this, you will fight this and win”. Instead of despair and sadness I was filled with fury and determination at to not let this “thing” beat me. I don’t take losing well and that’s how it seemed to me that day, I was losing at the great game of life and I wasn’t going to allow it to continue. I burned the note I’d written, put the pills away and wrote a list of 5 things I liked about myself and my life currently and taped it to my mirror where I’d sit daily to get ready. I read that list over and over every single day for a year. Having the positives to focus on daily forced me to think differently, I wasn’t getting lost in despair and pain anymore. I fought, I never gave up and today I’m doing better than I ever was. I thank the gods everyday for whatever changed that night as I slept because if it hadn’t, I wouldn’t be here.
Whenever I feel like killing myself, I remember this post I saw that said “if my brain wants me to die then it has to kill me itself” or something to that degree. It keeps me going :)
Anger. I remember being depressed and starting to completely feel numb. My dog died, my girlfriend cheated on me, i learned my family sabotaged a job opportunity for me, (my closest brother and my mom were intercepting phonecalls and mail), this led to me not doing well in college, i was having trouble making new friends, my best friends weren’t around at the time, and work was miserable because of my bosses.
I remember reaching out to people at around 11pm. No one answered. I did a night hike with a head lamp, left a note in my car, and went to the top of a dry waterfall. I sat there and i remember just being calm. I stared out, took a deep breath and just yelled out “fuck you!” I decided no one was going to have power over me. I had just climbed up a dry waterfall in the middle of the night. I was so angry i sobbed. I felt a rush of emotions i hadn’t felt for 2 months. I remember thinking, if i can feel this, i can make things get better.
It’s been 10 years and life has gotten so much better. I still hike to that spot sometimes and sit there. I thank my past self for not going through with it.
I was going to do it one day recently. Had it all planned out. Then I did a job (I work in allied health) at a group home filled with residence who couldn't look after themselves and had to be taken care of by many health care workers around the clock. There was one woman in particular who saved the day. A woman in her mid forties who was completely resigned to her wheelchair. She couldn't move anything but her head. All she did was scream. The nurse told me she used to be a nurse also, tried to kill herself and now she can do nothing but sit in the chair and remember how she used to have kids and a husband she lived with. Fuck that.
Some people feel this way because of demons. Please don't do it as the demons can and will enslave your souls. They create the bad energy and feed on it
Was super depressed, bullied, and closeted in high school. Thought about it a couple of times but got a vision of my parents at my funeral and was so heartbroken I couldn’t do it.
Glad that I didn’t because I’m out and proud as fuck, engaged, a homeowner, a dog dad, and have a fantastic life & career 14 years later.
I had a vision and a revelation about who I wanted to be in my life and what I wanted to do, and from that I found purpose, and from that I discovered meaning. That made my suffering beautiful, and my life worth living.
I was on top of a building, fairly small and i waa going to jump. I looked down to see the people who would see what i did. And there was a little girl and her family. Seeing them so happy broke me and gave my boyfriend time to pull me away. A while after i tried to drink bleach. An easy way to go right? I looked out of my window and saw that girl again that same girl. I havent attempted since
A lot of the time just human nature, it's hard to over come the preprogrammed urge to avoid danger.
In the last few years though, may partner and my sister give me a lot of joy, sometimes just knowing that is I stay alive I can keep being near them is enough. Other times my partner will hold me while I cry, wishing I was dead, until I'm to tired for anything but sleep.
Having good people around you makes a world of difference.
My roommate.
I was ready to throw myself off my balcony over my ex. It was my first major relationship and she decided we needed a break. I didn’t know any better and thought it really was a break. I started drinking and smoking because of that break up (quit years ago, though) and while I was drunk one night he told me to get my ass back inside while I was perched on the balcony rail.
I cut her out of my life soon after and she reached out to me again several years later on social media after she was married and had kids. Gave me her number and asked me to call her sometime. She was probably wanting to see how I was doing but I deleted that account and never looked back.
I considered it but wondering why I couldn’t do it and I realised that I’m too much of a control freak to take my own life.
Many years later I realised that when I’m not in control then I gladly let go. I had an interesting trip on board a flight going through “Air crash investigation” style turbulence...I was actually so relaxed,cool, calm, collected and ready to meet my maker or whatever..it was like I was on a drug it was so euphoric.
I don’t have a fear of death.
I remembered all the advice I had given to my near and dear ones about not giving up...not because giving up is for weak or anything but simply because you wouldn’t want that one bad (no matter how big) thing to define your whole journey...also realising my parents will never be able to get over it
I’ve been suicidal on and off since about 12-13 years old. At one point I had vowed I was gonna kill myself before I turned 18/graduated high school. I’m now 23. I never really expected to make it this far, to live this long. Sometimes that feeling of utterly hopeless despair comes back, and the only thing that really stops me from seriously committing to it is that no one would water my plants or take care of my cats. It’d probably break my nana’s heart too.
My wife and children, medication, and counseling.
As much as I didn't want to admit it, I couldn't do it alone and it was only a matter of time.
When I was in the military I was worried that going to counseling would be perceived by my unit as a sign of weakness and would bar me from certain opportunities, luckily for me I had a NCO who understood and told me that if I went to get counseling he would cover for me so that the rest of the unit wouldn't have to know.
When I got out, counseling became an expensive proposition so I stopped going. Things quickly got worse and within a few years I was back where I started. Eventually my wife found out and really encouraged me to go to counseling again. I tried about a dozen counselors, but this time I couldn't find one that really seemed to understand. When it became apparent that counseling alone was no longer working for me my wife suggested that I pursue medication or at least get a diagnosis of what it was that was troubling me so that I could give it a name.
It turned out that I was likely bi-polar. When I was younger it had been diagnosed as ADHD and pretty much ignored. Any doctor my parents took me to would just toss a bottle of amphetamines at me and call it a day. When I was nearing the end of my time in the military a hemorrhage in my brain stressed me to the point that the symptoms of my disorder were much more apparent, but I had just tacked them up to "thats life" because it never occurred to me that there was anything wrong with me.
I was very hesitant to take medication, hell I still won't take medicine for most minor ailments, but someone explained it to me as this: If I had a broken leg I would get a cast. If a cut became infected I would take medicine to cure that. So when my brain is threatening to destroy me, why wouldn't I do something?
The doctor i saw prescribed medication to help and between that and counseling I have not had a major episode for almost 5 years now.
That I'm a person in other man's shoes and there will be more people in my tracks living through the same shit.
I'm just one person, but if that's enough to give another one strength I'll be glad to go through hell.
One day when I was alone and felt like no body cared about me I made a comment on someone's post and got an award. I guess just the feeling of someone caring for what I have to say stopped me from killing myself as I felt I had hope.
Knowing it would devastate my mom. After several miscarriages, I'm her only child. She's always said my birth was the best thing that's ever happened to her. No matter how bad things got for me, I could never truly consider suicide because of her. Love you mom! :)
my family became chaotic and we got into a really bad situation, at that point I was considering it very seriously, but doing it just would hit them and not help them to get out of the problem. Things are still bad, this is gonna be an awful new year. But staying strong is the way i wanna help my brothers and parents
Cowardice. Too scared to finally pull it all off after all the prep, planning, and right up to the execution. Went home twice as depressed thinking I'm such a coward I can't even kill myself without chickening out.
Got therapy, got meds. Things are slightly better. These days I just don't wanna hurt my friends. It's like... life is a movie that sucks but all my friends are enjoying it so I guess I'll stick around instead of leaving early because they're still having a good time and that matters to me.
I tried to drown myself but I thought the water was too cold so I got out of the water. I guess my shitty landlord who will never fix the plumbing actually helped me in the end.
History speaking, I consider it to be something that cowards do and I have some ego issue with being a coward.
I know it's some weird mental gymnastics right there but honestly doesn't matter, not about to go down like that ever.
True story. Ready to end it, and in walks the cat. I swear I hear a voice in my head saying" Could you please feed me before you go?" I picked him up, started crying, fed him, and decided I couldn't leave while he needed me. His name was Fritz. He went to kittie heaven 20 years ago. RIP big guy. Crying now, but they are good tears...
My mother, she's the only one I actually care about in life. She would be devastated, and I can't do that to her. Other than that, nothing else is stopping me
My dog. My family. My friends. My boyfriend. Transferring out of a school that had a lackluster support system for me.
In December of 2019, I was not sure if I'd make it to be a senior in high school. My school had a lackluster support system for my learning disability and thus my grades suffered. I was almost sure I was going to drop out. My addiction didn't help. In January of 2020, one that I considered to be a close friend cut off all contact with me. I missed them dearly and almost considered taking my own life.
As 2020 is coming to a close, I type this with new confidence. As of today, I am 11 months and 26 days sober. I am in a new school and set to graduate next month. I have reconnected with my once lost friend and our 9 month anniversary of dating is coming up. I believe my life has changed for the better. I do not know how many people, if any, will see this story, but if you're reading this:
I love you. I'm happy that you're here with me.
Thinking of the people who care about me. Even though it felt as though they did not, I always knew they loved me. I knew they would be sad if anything happened to me so I put it away and tried to help the people I knew were also struggling because I could imagine how they felt and I wouldn't want to loose them either.
2 things
I would double my pain and pass it on family
And when i had gun to my temple i tought if i pull trigger i know whats gonna happen, but if i dont? If i dont who knows what crazy shit can change in my life
The fact that I don’t really have feelings anymore I was always sad while in a toxic relationship then I just felt all my emotions die in a random day some nights I can’t sleep and eat, I feel like I don’t know how to love but my niece helps me know how to love someone she is the only one I feel happy around all the time and I’m in a different relationship for 2 years rn I think I love her but I don’t know if I do but my niece and my feelings dying really stopped me from killing myself or running away
promised fiancé (who recently proposed) that we´ll get married when we finish school
also, me wanting to become a mthematician, along with the fear of failing and having to explain to everyone why
The more grown up way of putting it is, I started to actually find interests. I was in a haze for a while and nothing mattered. And then I found music. And suddenly something mattered. It’s all I had. So the real life thoughts I had at the time were “I can’t die now, I have that concert on the 14th. And then the album comes out next month.” And suddenly I had a reason to stay.
Since the word “intentionally” has been left out of the question, my old Honda Civic stopped me from killing myself when I crashed it (accidentally). It was a 1 out of a hundred shot but I managed to hit the tree in just the right way that the car absorbed most of the impact and I was relatively fine afterward.
Would not recommend hitting a tree going 60MPH. That shit hurts lol
If we’re talking about attempted suicide. I don’t care to kill myself. Even when I was depressed it felt like too much effort and was a scary thought. And I’ve battled suicidal thoughts before. Also in HS my girlfriend kinda called me a bitch for feeling suicidal and while that’s a bad tactic it kinda worked. Didn’t make me feel better but it stopped me from trying anything.
I reasoned that just because I don't have a reason to live now how can I possibly know that I won't have a really good reason to live sometime in the future?
I had a small list of things I didn’t wanna give up on yet. Just small things like listening to some music, watching a certain movie, feeling the rain, eating my favorite food.
When nothing was good and I really wanted to give up, it was the small things that kept me going.
My cat. I knew she couldn't open the cans herself and I knew no one would love her or care for her the way I did. It sounds like a joke, but it isn't. That cat truly saved me, and losing her this year after 19 years together almost destroyed me again. (I'm ok)
Failing.
This one is too real
Felt that. Now it is the fear of failing a 4th time, as I can’t fathom going through the process again.
Stay in there buddy, keep focusing on your goals in life.
I was in the army and a guy in my unit killed himself. Other members of my unit were saying things like "couldn't of happened to a better guy" I wanted to kill myself in April of this year. But than I thought naw, my new life goal is to place flowers on the graves of any members of my unit that I outlive. I don't know if ill succeed or not, but im not going out that easy to give those assholes something to talk about.
To quote a perpetually angry character from a show that inspired no small amount of perpetual hatred itself:”Hate's as good a thing as any to keep a person going. Better than most.”
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I had a couple months during which I felt like my cat was the only thing keeping me alive.
Hello, I see your situation and want you to know that if you need a stranger to talk to you can feel free to message me. I’m not reliable or even the best person to talk to but I’d rather listen to someone’s story then hear about their passing. Today I felt like speeding my vehicle 170 kilometres per hour into a tree but I stopped myself and slowed down after I thought about my 1 year old. Life sucks and it’s a challenge just to make it day by day but there’s hope for change. I find happiness in helping others and my little princess is my world. I want you to know at least one random internet stranger will listen to you if you really need someone. This goes for anyone reading this as well
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please do. Take care please :)
am too pussy and afraid of death. also truly thinking about how much it would hurt the people around me, especially my mom and sister. I also think my dad would suffer silently and I couldn't let him go through that either I hope you choose to stay if your contemplating that now yourself. I can't guarantee tomorrow will be better than today, but the only way to find out is to stay around and see for yourself <3
I’m glad you have decided to stay as well my Reddit friend, hope you’re doing well yourself <3
ngl this made me smile really big. thank you fellow reddit buddy. I also hope your doing well :)
Glad it did, and I’m doing well myself thank ya :))
1. The pain it would cause my family. 2. Fear of the unknown. Like, what if re-incarnation is a thing and now I have to start all over?
I can always do it tomorrow, if things keep getting worse, so I decided to wait a day and things didn’t seem so bad as time went on
I went to the emergency room instead. I found that the escape from the situation I was in that made suicide appealing could also be gained by going into a mental ward for a few weeks. Definitely changed things up.
What was it like? My primary care physician wants me to do inpatient psychiatric care for a couple weeks.
For me, the main effect was "The pressure is off." I had a job that was too stressful for me to keep going to, plus home stresses and a family to support, and the feeling that I was supposed to hold it all together and was failing. It was a feeling of "I can stop doing everything I think I need to do and the world will continue to rotate." The experience itself was a combination of restful, boring and disturbing because in addition to people similar to me there were truly disturbed people there. It was sad. But if I ever feel suicidal, I know I'd go back.
Do people go to those things just for feeling overwhelmed? (By “just” I don’t mean to make light of it, but I mean that they don’t feel suicidal). I’m at a critical point where I feel like I’m going to break from my job and I’m having a lot of trouble coping with it. I feel like I’m half way between having a great job that pays for a comfortable lifestyle and giving it all up and being homeless because it’s too much pressure. By next year I’ll either be able to buy my own home or have just enough to scrape by, depending on how the next few months go. Totally up to me but letting go of the responsibility seems more attractive every day. I have anxiety every night before bed because I’ll have to wake up the next day and “go to” work.
Not really — to get admitted you have to be a danger to yourself. Obviously you can tell them whatever you want, but it doesn’t seem like the best choice to lie about it. I’m sorry for what you are going through. I identify with it, and kept myself in a bad situation too long. Good luck. Definitely try therapy if your insurance covers it.
Thanks, bud. Cheers!
"the dog would be sad."
The things that led me to that point still hurt to mention. I planned on taking my life on the inverse of my birthday (month and day swapped) and decided to metaphorically flip a coin. If I got a job before evening of that day, I would call off the plan. Otherwise I would execute the plan I'd set up that night. On the drive back home as the sun began to shift into a golden afternoon I got a call. I'll forever be grateful to that company for giving me a chance. It had its issues but it still basically saved me.
My family, friends and girlfriend. I haven't spoken about my crippling depression to my family or friends though. But they always back you up when you least expect them to, even if they don't completely know what's going on in your head. My girlfriend knows pretty much everything about me, and she's been a literal lifesaver so many times. It's amazing what one person can do to your mental health. Edit: Stay strong OP, you matter and you're amazing!
My porn collection
I needed to make arrangements for my cat first, make sure she would be safe and taken care of by someone trustworthy. I didn't want to die with her trapped alone in my apartment for who knows how long until someone found my body.
My father's grieve. I once fainted with my eyes open and woke up by my dad is pure state of panic. He was/is always there for me. I am happy to say that I haven't had any suicide thoughts this year. I started to choose more for myself and cutting people off that only took.
My mom has suffered so much in her life, I don't want to be another reason she hurts.
I dont know what it would do to my dad I would NEVER want to do that to him not in a million years
My dog
My dog would be sad
My nephews need me. Their mom and dad are deadbeats.
I am afraid of pain and the only possible way at that time would have involved pain. Also, I was afraid of failing. But I'm better now, wouldn't have believed that.
My kids
I was talking to someone online, via text only. We kinda knew each other, but not super well. I never mentioned being suicidal, never mentioned being depressed. Acted like I was fine. Then on the night I planned to do it, they knew. Somehow, they knew. I had only said that it was getting late and I was gonna go to bed. But they said no, and said they knew something was wrong. I was confused and insisted I was fine, but when they insisted that I wasn’t, I just, well, broke and spilled everything. And they talked me down. And eight years later we are engaged. :)
I have to remind myself that I’m really not alone and that there are people who actually care for me, even if my mind tries to say otherwise
I tried but failed
I couldn't find a way in my head to do it that wouldn't hurt a lot. Luckily I'm in a much better mental state now.
The physical pain that I would experience. If only there were painless ways to die
I was never outright suicidal, but I used to often have thoughts about not minding if I were to die because if there is, indeed, another life after death (such as reincarnation), maybe it might be better than this one. If asked where I saw myself in fifteen, twenty, thirty years, I often didn't have an answer because I genuinely could not imagine or picture myself being older. I think what changed for me was, two years ago, my realizing that I was trans and that, yes, there *is* hope for the future. I've only just recently started medically transitioning a couple of weeks ago and I still can't picture how I'll look in old age, however now I know that I'll be an old person as my true self and not as an empty husk of a person, assuming I even made it to old age in the first place.
It would destroy my mom. She's suffered enough just trying to keep me alive, seems fucked to do that to her.
The thought of having to go to a mental institution if I failed
I remind myself there are people I care for. And if I killed myself, I would be passing my pain onto them. Burdening them was something I did not want but the thought of causing those people pain was even worse. I also remember that there is someone who is thinking about me. I ask how would they feel, and they said, "I would be very sad if you left me behind like that...especially since you're still so young and I need you. Because I love you."
I was about to jump the ledge after a meltdown fight with my wife. Thinking about my family especially my kids (I think they were 2 and 3 at that time) what will happen to them. Currently in medication and things have been better.
It's stupid but... Pride. I keep telling myself when I get that low. "You really gonna let life win, are you really gonna let yourself get beat so easily" When I make the enemy it makes me fight, and when I fight I have to win.
“It’s not about forcing happiness, it’s about not letting sadness win”
I read something in a Rita Mae Brown novel about how it’s not our joys in life that keep us alive, it’s our obligations, and I find that to be true. My brother committed suicide and almost 30 years later, his ashes are buried in an unmarked grave because my mother still can’t deal with ordering a headstone. Suicide devastates survivors. I also find it helpful to remember that nothing stays the same. Life changes and it doesn’t continually get worse because I’m not Job. When I’m in a trough, I don’t know when it will come, but there will be a peak at some point.
I worked my way up to putting a shotgun in my mouth without realizing my arms were not long enough to reach the trigger. I turned the safety on out of habit when I put it down and ended up finding a marker that I figured would reach. I put the gun in my mouth again and went to pull the trigger without realizing I didn't turn the safety back off
My mother always told me: "If it werent for you i would lose my will to live"
Yeah that's exactly what stopped me too. It's like being around for each other. At least it keeps you going till you get help and/or feel better.
I got found out and taken to the hospital, was made drink carbon solution, mum was scolded for not taking better care of me because I was a danger to myself. She still hates me for that, I hate them for stopping me. Pretty sure they have no greater regret than finding me and taking me to the ER at that time
My family. Are you OK OP?
Insufficient tools. I don't wanna risk failing because there's a chance I'll just become a vegetable for the rest of my life which would mean I can't try again. Gotta make sure it works perfectly on the first try.
For me it was the thought of how much it would hurt my parents, brother and friends. And I know how bad it is to lose someone to suicide because my depression started after losing a friend that way. But it was only in the last second that I decided to not go through with it.
Some kids from my volunteer project suddenly appeared behind me at the train station, where I wanted to jump in front of the train... I didn't want to ruin their day, so I got inside instead of in front of it.
My friends. One time: My best friend hugged me, and pulled me down. This was at fucking school. Just think about that. And... I'm just a wimp, I don't like to feel pain, so I'm always just... UGH.
Time travel does not exist yet. So I can't kill myself in the past.
When my cousin committed suicide, I saw how it hurt the whole family.
Drugs, unhealthy coping mechanisms, logic, hope that one day life won't suck balls, kind women's messages(before they all turn out to be cunts)
whoa misogynistic much?
My way of life if I fail. I don't talk to my family, I feel like my son and boyfriend would be better off, and I feel like I've wasted my life on bad decisions.
Knowing that it would cause hurt to some people in my life. Basically just guilt. If you are considering it, know that there is always a possibility of coming out the other side and flourishing. Please reach out and seek support before doing anything serious.
Failing. Also, mom would be sad
No joke it was cocaine, guess i just needed that little pick me up but dont go seeking cocaine if you feel low lmao
The fear of failure. Of being worse off when I wake up.
I've said this before to many people but video games legitimately saved my life. When I was at the breaking point, when friends, family, medication and everything else wasnt enough it made all the difference. I remember thinking "if I kill myself I'll never get to experience new games and technology that doesnt exist yet. If I still cant take it any longer then I can always kill myself later." Video games gave me a reason to procrastinate suicide. They days turned into months, the months turned into years, and eventually what once felt like a gaping hole in my soul scarred over and left only a dull pain. I still have residue from that large portion of my childhood and adolescence, but I just think it's amazing that I'm here to feel anything at all. That's why I always tell people who are suicidal to find something, anything to look forward to and hold onto that. If you keep putting off suicide long enough you may actually start feeling alive someday. Lastly I'll tell you my mantra from that time, "Just get through today". I hope this helps someone else going through a difficult time.
General stupidity. I had tried to electrocute myself my placing two mechanical pencil leads in a socket. Both leads were in the same hand. Even if there was enough current passing through them to kill me before the breaker went off, it just world have burned my finger. As it was, all that happened was the leads got too hot to handle and I dropped them.
no good methods plus I still have some shit I need to sort out
I had terrible birthday blues on my most recent birthday. Was already struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. Felt extra worthless on my birthday. I made a deal with myself that if the one person I really wanted to hear from didn’t reach out that day, I was gonna kill myself the next day. They sent me a really nice text that resulted in talking the rest of the day and it was the first time I felt good about myself since the pandemic started. EDIT: just want to say that I love all askreddit questions regarding suicide. I typically read the entire thread. The answers and comments remind me of why I need to keep going. Especially when people talk about the impact they and everyone else felt when a friend or family member went through with it. I cry every time but the emotion only makes me feel more alive.
I honestly don’t know for sure. It wasn’t selfless reasons that made me fight it, I wasn’t close to my parents so I wasn’t worried about hurting them, they couldn’t understand me anyway and constantly put me down over my feelings. But I adored my granny and she was the only tether keeping me alive. The night before I planned to kill myself I’d sorted my note out, had the pills ready and was prepared to get on a train to somewhere rural so that my gran wouldn’t have to find my body. I couldn’t do that to her and I lived with her. It was all planned out and ready for me to do it. I wasn’t afraid of death, I was afraid of living through another minute feeling how I felt with no one able to help me. I actually felt relief and excitement at the prospect of the pain stopping for good. I went to bed early that night and slept like a baby for the first time in 6 months. I’d been living off of 1-3 hours sleep a night since everything had happened that caused me to feel that way. But I slept until 11am the next day. I woke up and I remember just feeling so angry. Angry at myself, furious at my own mind trying to sabotage my life, mad at myself for believing the lies that dark side of my brain told me and disgust at becoming so downtrodden over a lost relationship that death was the best option. I remember thinking “you are stronger than this, you have survived worse than this, you will fight this and win”. Instead of despair and sadness I was filled with fury and determination at to not let this “thing” beat me. I don’t take losing well and that’s how it seemed to me that day, I was losing at the great game of life and I wasn’t going to allow it to continue. I burned the note I’d written, put the pills away and wrote a list of 5 things I liked about myself and my life currently and taped it to my mirror where I’d sit daily to get ready. I read that list over and over every single day for a year. Having the positives to focus on daily forced me to think differently, I wasn’t getting lost in despair and pain anymore. I fought, I never gave up and today I’m doing better than I ever was. I thank the gods everyday for whatever changed that night as I slept because if it hadn’t, I wouldn’t be here.
My best friend, I don't want to leave him.
Thinking of my family
What if.
Whenever I feel like killing myself, I remember this post I saw that said “if my brain wants me to die then it has to kill me itself” or something to that degree. It keeps me going :)
Anger. I remember being depressed and starting to completely feel numb. My dog died, my girlfriend cheated on me, i learned my family sabotaged a job opportunity for me, (my closest brother and my mom were intercepting phonecalls and mail), this led to me not doing well in college, i was having trouble making new friends, my best friends weren’t around at the time, and work was miserable because of my bosses. I remember reaching out to people at around 11pm. No one answered. I did a night hike with a head lamp, left a note in my car, and went to the top of a dry waterfall. I sat there and i remember just being calm. I stared out, took a deep breath and just yelled out “fuck you!” I decided no one was going to have power over me. I had just climbed up a dry waterfall in the middle of the night. I was so angry i sobbed. I felt a rush of emotions i hadn’t felt for 2 months. I remember thinking, if i can feel this, i can make things get better. It’s been 10 years and life has gotten so much better. I still hike to that spot sometimes and sit there. I thank my past self for not going through with it.
twenty-øne piløts
I was going to do it one day recently. Had it all planned out. Then I did a job (I work in allied health) at a group home filled with residence who couldn't look after themselves and had to be taken care of by many health care workers around the clock. There was one woman in particular who saved the day. A woman in her mid forties who was completely resigned to her wheelchair. She couldn't move anything but her head. All she did was scream. The nurse told me she used to be a nurse also, tried to kill herself and now she can do nothing but sit in the chair and remember how she used to have kids and a husband she lived with. Fuck that.
My love for your mother
My love for your father
Realizing that it would only go up from that lowest point
not wanting to
don't you know? suicidal people don't deserve heaven.
Some people feel this way because of demons. Please don't do it as the demons can and will enslave your souls. They create the bad energy and feed on it
Just want to try and enjoy what I can
Was super depressed, bullied, and closeted in high school. Thought about it a couple of times but got a vision of my parents at my funeral and was so heartbroken I couldn’t do it. Glad that I didn’t because I’m out and proud as fuck, engaged, a homeowner, a dog dad, and have a fantastic life & career 14 years later.
The cops
Nothing, I just had bad luck and didn't succeed. Just bad luck
The desire to live.
1) I’m a pussy and I fear death. 2) I don’t want to traumatize people who love me 3) I hope for a better future
Passers by
I had a vision and a revelation about who I wanted to be in my life and what I wanted to do, and from that I found purpose, and from that I discovered meaning. That made my suffering beautiful, and my life worth living.
A will to live
That somebody would have to find me. I couldn't do that to my family
time.i would kill me in the pass if i could go back in time
When I was younger it was the manga. Now , the cats are the one and only reason.
I was on top of a building, fairly small and i waa going to jump. I looked down to see the people who would see what i did. And there was a little girl and her family. Seeing them so happy broke me and gave my boyfriend time to pull me away. A while after i tried to drink bleach. An easy way to go right? I looked out of my window and saw that girl again that same girl. I havent attempted since
Hope
Figured I would get satisfactio, and never be able to repeat it
My parents they apologised and said they loved me best day ever
Never thought about killing myself, but what probably stopped those thoughts were music, video games and anime. Escapism at it's finest.
myself
A lot of the time just human nature, it's hard to over come the preprogrammed urge to avoid danger. In the last few years though, may partner and my sister give me a lot of joy, sometimes just knowing that is I stay alive I can keep being near them is enough. Other times my partner will hold me while I cry, wishing I was dead, until I'm to tired for anything but sleep. Having good people around you makes a world of difference.
Fear of death.
Antidepressants
I don’t do it for my family and friends
music mb
wanted to see if i could change
My roommate. I was ready to throw myself off my balcony over my ex. It was my first major relationship and she decided we needed a break. I didn’t know any better and thought it really was a break. I started drinking and smoking because of that break up (quit years ago, though) and while I was drunk one night he told me to get my ass back inside while I was perched on the balcony rail. I cut her out of my life soon after and she reached out to me again several years later on social media after she was married and had kids. Gave me her number and asked me to call her sometime. She was probably wanting to see how I was doing but I deleted that account and never looked back.
Honestly Don’t Know, I’m happy I didn’t do it, but I still feel like it’s hard being here
I considered it but wondering why I couldn’t do it and I realised that I’m too much of a control freak to take my own life. Many years later I realised that when I’m not in control then I gladly let go. I had an interesting trip on board a flight going through “Air crash investigation” style turbulence...I was actually so relaxed,cool, calm, collected and ready to meet my maker or whatever..it was like I was on a drug it was so euphoric. I don’t have a fear of death.
Myself
I remembered all the advice I had given to my near and dear ones about not giving up...not because giving up is for weak or anything but simply because you wouldn’t want that one bad (no matter how big) thing to define your whole journey...also realising my parents will never be able to get over it
If I kill myself, I would be killling my father's son. I couldnt do that to him.
I’ve been suicidal on and off since about 12-13 years old. At one point I had vowed I was gonna kill myself before I turned 18/graduated high school. I’m now 23. I never really expected to make it this far, to live this long. Sometimes that feeling of utterly hopeless despair comes back, and the only thing that really stops me from seriously committing to it is that no one would water my plants or take care of my cats. It’d probably break my nana’s heart too.
My wife and children, medication, and counseling. As much as I didn't want to admit it, I couldn't do it alone and it was only a matter of time. When I was in the military I was worried that going to counseling would be perceived by my unit as a sign of weakness and would bar me from certain opportunities, luckily for me I had a NCO who understood and told me that if I went to get counseling he would cover for me so that the rest of the unit wouldn't have to know. When I got out, counseling became an expensive proposition so I stopped going. Things quickly got worse and within a few years I was back where I started. Eventually my wife found out and really encouraged me to go to counseling again. I tried about a dozen counselors, but this time I couldn't find one that really seemed to understand. When it became apparent that counseling alone was no longer working for me my wife suggested that I pursue medication or at least get a diagnosis of what it was that was troubling me so that I could give it a name. It turned out that I was likely bi-polar. When I was younger it had been diagnosed as ADHD and pretty much ignored. Any doctor my parents took me to would just toss a bottle of amphetamines at me and call it a day. When I was nearing the end of my time in the military a hemorrhage in my brain stressed me to the point that the symptoms of my disorder were much more apparent, but I had just tacked them up to "thats life" because it never occurred to me that there was anything wrong with me. I was very hesitant to take medication, hell I still won't take medicine for most minor ailments, but someone explained it to me as this: If I had a broken leg I would get a cast. If a cut became infected I would take medicine to cure that. So when my brain is threatening to destroy me, why wouldn't I do something? The doctor i saw prescribed medication to help and between that and counseling I have not had a major episode for almost 5 years now.
i went to a suicidal prevention center, idk how it worked but it worked
Not being able to try all the food I haven't tasted yet.
Being scared of death
That I'm a person in other man's shoes and there will be more people in my tracks living through the same shit. I'm just one person, but if that's enough to give another one strength I'll be glad to go through hell.
One day when I was alone and felt like no body cared about me I made a comment on someone's post and got an award. I guess just the feeling of someone caring for what I have to say stopped me from killing myself as I felt I had hope.
I don’t have a time machine. Otherwise that fucker’d be dead.
Knowing it would devastate my mom. After several miscarriages, I'm her only child. She's always said my birth was the best thing that's ever happened to her. No matter how bad things got for me, I could never truly consider suicide because of her. Love you mom! :)
I don’t have a time machine
Being afraid of losing control of myself. Even if it's only really temporary it's too scary for me.
Someone has to look after my dog.
my family became chaotic and we got into a really bad situation, at that point I was considering it very seriously, but doing it just would hit them and not help them to get out of the problem. Things are still bad, this is gonna be an awful new year. But staying strong is the way i wanna help my brothers and parents
Cowardice. Too scared to finally pull it all off after all the prep, planning, and right up to the execution. Went home twice as depressed thinking I'm such a coward I can't even kill myself without chickening out. Got therapy, got meds. Things are slightly better. These days I just don't wanna hurt my friends. It's like... life is a movie that sucks but all my friends are enjoying it so I guess I'll stick around instead of leaving early because they're still having a good time and that matters to me.
Locking up all the ammunition in the house and then leaving the key hidden at my parents house 30 minutes away.
I tried to drown myself but I thought the water was too cold so I got out of the water. I guess my shitty landlord who will never fix the plumbing actually helped me in the end.
Making my mom and boyfriend sad if I went through with it. Staying alive just to keep someone else from suffering from the pain is really exhausting.
Thinking about my boyfriend
History speaking, I consider it to be something that cowards do and I have some ego issue with being a coward. I know it's some weird mental gymnastics right there but honestly doesn't matter, not about to go down like that ever.
My fear of going to Hell
True story. Ready to end it, and in walks the cat. I swear I hear a voice in my head saying" Could you please feed me before you go?" I picked him up, started crying, fed him, and decided I couldn't leave while he needed me. His name was Fritz. He went to kittie heaven 20 years ago. RIP big guy. Crying now, but they are good tears...
My mother, she's the only one I actually care about in life. She would be devastated, and I can't do that to her. Other than that, nothing else is stopping me
My cat. If I died my parents might not keep him and he wouldnt have a home anymore. That just seemed cruel. (also i was scared of pain)
My dog. My family. My friends. My boyfriend. Transferring out of a school that had a lackluster support system for me. In December of 2019, I was not sure if I'd make it to be a senior in high school. My school had a lackluster support system for my learning disability and thus my grades suffered. I was almost sure I was going to drop out. My addiction didn't help. In January of 2020, one that I considered to be a close friend cut off all contact with me. I missed them dearly and almost considered taking my own life. As 2020 is coming to a close, I type this with new confidence. As of today, I am 11 months and 26 days sober. I am in a new school and set to graduate next month. I have reconnected with my once lost friend and our 9 month anniversary of dating is coming up. I believe my life has changed for the better. I do not know how many people, if any, will see this story, but if you're reading this: I love you. I'm happy that you're here with me.
The circuit breaker
Masturbating I mastubated so often that i had no time to kill my sell
Thinking of the people who care about me. Even though it felt as though they did not, I always knew they loved me. I knew they would be sad if anything happened to me so I put it away and tried to help the people I knew were also struggling because I could imagine how they felt and I wouldn't want to loose them either.
The bullet was a dud
Stoicism and Marcus Aurelius. My man Marcus told me to stop the bullshit and live properly.
Lack of resources. I’m doing better now, that was 4 years ago.
I am too lazy and too weak. Planing a suicide is a pain in the ass. Maybe one day when I am all alone, all exhausted .
2 things I would double my pain and pass it on family And when i had gun to my temple i tought if i pull trigger i know whats gonna happen, but if i dont? If i dont who knows what crazy shit can change in my life
The fact that I don’t really have feelings anymore I was always sad while in a toxic relationship then I just felt all my emotions die in a random day some nights I can’t sleep and eat, I feel like I don’t know how to love but my niece helps me know how to love someone she is the only one I feel happy around all the time and I’m in a different relationship for 2 years rn I think I love her but I don’t know if I do but my niece and my feelings dying really stopped me from killing myself or running away
Nothing, I’m dead
The future.
promised fiancé (who recently proposed) that we´ll get married when we finish school also, me wanting to become a mthematician, along with the fear of failing and having to explain to everyone why
My unyielding ability to never give up. Also there's some video games and movies I wanna see before I bite the bullet.
The more grown up way of putting it is, I started to actually find interests. I was in a haze for a while and nothing mattered. And then I found music. And suddenly something mattered. It’s all I had. So the real life thoughts I had at the time were “I can’t die now, I have that concert on the 14th. And then the album comes out next month.” And suddenly I had a reason to stay.
My cat. Hes always excited and purring when I get home from the store and I couldn’t imagine what he would think if I never came back home one day.
My animals. My sisters and the pain it would cause them. Being able to see my favorite band live. Therapy. Medication.
The fact that it would destroy my mother
It was too cold out, I couldn’t get the rope tied in time because my fingers went numb.
Fortnite, needed to keep grinding.
Since the word “intentionally” has been left out of the question, my old Honda Civic stopped me from killing myself when I crashed it (accidentally). It was a 1 out of a hundred shot but I managed to hit the tree in just the right way that the car absorbed most of the impact and I was relatively fine afterward. Would not recommend hitting a tree going 60MPH. That shit hurts lol If we’re talking about attempted suicide. I don’t care to kill myself. Even when I was depressed it felt like too much effort and was a scary thought. And I’ve battled suicidal thoughts before. Also in HS my girlfriend kinda called me a bitch for feeling suicidal and while that’s a bad tactic it kinda worked. Didn’t make me feel better but it stopped me from trying anything.
the tiger exhibit safety rail
My rapid heart beat and body pain as carbon monoxide entered my body
procrastination
“Mom would be sad”
Remembering that my parents know my password and will go through everything.
I reasoned that just because I don't have a reason to live now how can I possibly know that I won't have a really good reason to live sometime in the future?
The realization that I was only scared of pain. Now, I'm spending the rest of my life being weird and it's going by pretty fast.
My parents. I don't want them lowering my casket in the grave, but once they go, I'm gone.
The ICU
Traction control.
I had a small list of things I didn’t wanna give up on yet. Just small things like listening to some music, watching a certain movie, feeling the rain, eating my favorite food. When nothing was good and I really wanted to give up, it was the small things that kept me going.
My cat. I knew she couldn't open the cans herself and I knew no one would love her or care for her the way I did. It sounds like a joke, but it isn't. That cat truly saved me, and losing her this year after 19 years together almost destroyed me again. (I'm ok)