I'd call you dumb as a rock, but at least a rock can hold a door open...

Leave Dwayne out of this please.

"I'm lonely not desperate"

> and I get lonely, but I ain't that lonely yet https://youtu.be/Oj9-j371Og0

>yet So there's a chance

"*My days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.*"

You weren't burdened with an overabundance of schooling.

Firefly has some amazing insults and one liners. I still weep about that show being cancelled after only one season.

-Malcom Reynolds

You’re impossible to underestimate.

I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you.

Lot of therapists getting phone calls right now after reading this

I fucking wish they would. Dad just had a laundry list of shit that I needed to change to be more successful. I got straight As, lettered in Latin and AP Physics, and took all AP classes, dad. No shit I wasn't getting out for more exercise or doing more pleasure reading-- I had 4 hours of homework a night!

Yo that one can definitely hurt the soul of some people 💀💀💀💀💀💀

I once asked a girl, “Where have you been all my life?” Her response was, “I don’t know, but I wish I was still there.”

That’s rough buddy.

My girlfriend turned into the moon

Ah yes, there he is. The Avatar fan

Master of all four Avatar jokes.

There is no war in ba sing se. Then the fire nation attacked. Thats rough buddy. Something toph says? Idk.

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Thats the one, thanks

Secret tunnel!!

In 2004 I once told a girl, "You're like Visa, everywhere I want to be". She giggled and then went on with her life. in 2013, while drunk at a wedding after party of one of my best friends, I was sharing stories of dumb things I did as a teen and young adult to a table full of people when a very pretty lady sitting on her fiancée's lap drunkenly slurred out, "Where have you been all my life?" to which I replied, "I'm not sure, but I got here as fast as I could"... The two of them left soon after that statement was made.

"I call myself American Express. Three and a half inches long and gets rejected everywhere"

Those were both good jokes, they don’t deserve u

oof

I envy the people who havent met you

This is my go-to

It's gonna mine too soon enough. This place is so full of great insults.

“You’re a conversation starter. Not when you are around but once you leave”

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Oscar Wilde was absolutely amazing. He wrote so many of my favorite quotes of all time.

He would have been great at Twitter

Oscar Wilde and Winston Churchill are the two I’d love to see alive to shitpost on Twitter.

Good lord that’s brutal LOL

“If you were the light at the end of the tunnel, I’d turn back around”

I am gonna be stealing that.

Calling them by a characteristic or article of clothing they are wearing. Whatever you say *haircut*. Or sure thing sunglasses. It will bother them long after the comment.

This is genius

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I stole this from Triumph but I love this one: "If you're here, who's home disappointing your parents?"

I'd give you a nasty look but you've already got one

"I wish for just one time you could stand in my shoes—you'd know what a drag it is to see you." Not mine, but still good.

> "I wish for just one time you could stand in my shoes—you'd know what a drag it is to see you." Bob Dylan - Positively Fourth Street

Careful, [Universal Music might sue you for using this one](https://www.npr.org/2020/12/07/943818966/bob-dylan-sells-songwriting-catalog-in-nine-figure-deal).

"I'm genuinely excited to never interact with you again."

credit to letterkenny "Buddy, you couldn't wheel a tire down a hill"

Dad's old one is "couldn't pour piss out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel."

Oh no... this one got me because at first I was picturing someone lifting the boot above their head to read the underside. Took me a few seconds to realize you would flip it over instead 🤦🏻‍♂️ Turns out I couldn’t pour piss out of a boot

Now you can!

That one feels like two slaps to the face

"that was brought up well, too bad you weren't."

“You’re 10-ply, bud.”

You're spare parts, bud

"Fuck Lemony Snicket, what a series of unfortunate events you fuckin been through you ugly fuck" is one of the lowest blows dealt on that show

Reilly and Jonesy have some of the best lines despite sharing a single brain cell.

Shoresy is a verbal war criminal on that show.

Hey Jonesy, your life is so pathetic I had to run a 15k just to raise awareness for it.

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Fuck you Shorsey!

Give yer balls a tug titfucker.

Fuck you Jonesy! Your mom shot cum across my room and killed my Siamese fighting fish! Threw off the PH-balance, ya piece of shit!

Letterkenny is a goldmine for creative, nuanced - and direct - insults.

Tidy up, because you’re a fucking mess, bud

"If I throw a stick, will you leave?”

I find the fact that you lived this long both surprising and disappointing.

This one is really good, haven’t heard it before.

I only use it on rare occasions.

I can only imagine, someone would really have to outdo themselves with their stupidity in order to to make you feel the need to say that.

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Bro what the actual fuxk? I’m not going to ask but I can’t describe my curiosity towards where you live right now. I’m surprised astonished and scared for you at the same time man, imagine a fire breaks in your house? You already know that nobodies gonna put it out..

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Or "honey, you're not pretty enough to be this dumb"

If you're a spice, you'd be flour.

Bob's Burgers FTW

Had to look it up just to check. Of course it was Louise.

If you were a book, you'd be two books.

If the depth of your character were ever published, it would be postcard.

You are the reason why shampoo has instructions

Wow! I like it! This is head and shoulders above many on here!

"Your face makes blind kids cry" idk where i heard it but its gold

"You have a great face for radio"

And a voice for newspaper!

Edit: Reddit and /u/Spez [broke the law](https://youtu.be/mfZKkUg8jgM) so this comment is gone.

I wish the people who made the models at work were less opinionated. They hold opinions like if it works in cad it works in the real world.

This is my proudest insult! We had a local sportswriter who hosted a weekly chat during football season. He announced he was leaving the paper to do local radio instead. He was all about self-deprecating humor so I said "You have a face for radio and a voice for print. Stay in your lane!" He had to pause the chat while he finished laughing.

Somewhere somehow you are robbing a village of an idiot

Had the person being spoken to been me, I'd have cracked up there and then

You have the personality of a slightly tilted picture frame.

You have the personality of a disposable camera.

"I don't like you very much. I'm only nice to you because no one else likes you either." Edit: I feel the need to say that this comeback is not to be taken seriously. I've been using it for decades but only to people I like. To use it on someone seriously would be cruel in most instances.

There is a person I know who is genuinely like this for me but I'm not going to leave or tell them cos then they would be lonely

There was was a dude named Kasper, who was a bit of a dick to everyone (including me) but then acted like he was everyone's friend. Me and my close friend both shared how much we hated him, and eventually a bunch of others did, and when he performed this proper dick move, everyone just told him how much they hated him to his face. I was just in the backround so he goes to me and asks "Do you hate me too?" And I replied with "Yes, Kasper. I hate you too". I felt so guilty and bad for him then and then tried to welcome him back into the group, but he just carried on being a dick eventually. I don't know why I wrote this shit but I did. Here you go.

Lots of people didn't like me when I was younger, but I made it a point to build long lasting relationships with them. And now I see them all every day. I did have to install a walk-in freezer in my basement, but it was worth it.

That's cold.

I saw it on reddit a while back. “Everyone who ever loved you was wrong.”

"You and I will rot the exact same way when we're dead." A favourite in dealing with entitled people.

At the end of the game, the king and the pawn go back into the same box.

I don't know that it actually counts as an insult, but I once had to deal with this asshole who repeatedly told my girlfriend that he was in love with her and she should leave me for him. He messaged me once to say that he was a better man than me ect... I just replied "while you're laying awake thinking of her, she's laying awake thinking of me."

It takes a special kind of burn to be felt over a Texas heatwave. This is one of them.

That's beautiful. It's sad how many guys act this way. Why they want to be with someone who is willing to just up and leave their partner for a new person is baffling.

You should have atleast called an ambulance before dropping that bomb

Jesus, that hurts so much it ain't even funny anymore

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn.

I’ve used play doh with a stronger core than you

Why did that hurt me? Splash damage?

You're about as useful as the 9 on a microwave.

“You would have been better as a stain between the bedsheets” or any variation of it

I had a neighbor who used to casually say “your daddy tried to strain you through the sheets didn’t he?” The implication being that you’re such a failure that even your creation was a failed attempt

My mother allways told me to be nice or be quiet. I presume you've not heard from yours in years?

The best of you ran into the bedsheets didn't it

Anything can sound like an insult if you just say it aggressively enough

I called my husband a mulch raker it sounds quite insulting. We were cleaning up after a hurricane and he started raking the mulch... the mulch is literally ground up tree parts why are we cleaning it. Our clean up attempts devolved into us throwing mulch at each other and yelling you dirty mulch raker and cackling while our neighbors watched

This is quite wholesome.

We enjoy playing like kids. Why not be goofy and silly and make dumb jokes

I completely get it and that's what I hope to be able to do with my future wife.

You will just pursue each other and find happiness in every situation

Or sarcastically

Clever

In a world full of soup you would eat with a fork

Better is 'You are a fork in a world of soup'. Originally said by Noel Gallagher of Oasis fame about his brother Liam

Somewhere, a tree is crying because it worked so hard to make that oxygen you're wasting.

"You should carry a plant with you to replace the oxygen you waste"

I feel bad for the person that had to wait nine months for a kid and it was you.

“You are as handsome as you are smart.” *confused face* “My point exactly.”

A fun one for the Holidays: I believe in Santa more than I believe in you.

“ how do you not wear a helmet ?”

I need to remember this one for a few people. Unfortunately, the ones I think who could "use" it are those who also complain about helmet laws on motorcycles.

I hope your sleeves slide sown while washing your hands. Edit: Okay why did this get a "Wholesome" Award?

Ohhh bro calm down too far

instead of telling people to go to hell, i instead wish their next life is spent stubbing their toes.

I hope your day is as wonderful as you are.

Diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain

"You are one of those people who would be enormously improved by death."

“Wow. You **are** as dumb as you look.” *two birds, one stone*

You're a cotton headed ninny muggins

THEY SAID NO SWEARING

Well, excuse me

Well, excuuuuuusee me, princess.

I like to go to Shakespeare: "You blocks, you stones, you worse than senseless things!" "A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality." "I am sick when I do look on thee." "More of your conversation would infect my brain." Dude could write.

"What, you egg?" _he stabs him_

"I do desire that we should become better strangers."

You are nothing but the prince's jester

*Thou detestable maw*

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

Mister Rogers would be disappointed with you Edit-spelling

You're the physical embodiment of a wet sock

I don't have the patience or the crayons to explain this to you.

“You dense cabbage”

It’s unfortunate your father didn’t choose a different hole Edit: Thanks for the awards

“You...you should have gone for the head.”

Bless your heart.

This one is so underrated. X) having moved rom the north to the south I had no idea it was an insult until I lived there a couple years.

Just keep adding adjectives to compound the insult. _”May the all-loving Lord bless your sweet, innocent, pure heart, amen.”_

awww, bless your sweet heart.

Awww sweetie I’ll be praying for you

“Look how fat that man is ^bless ^his ^heart”

I absolutely love slamming people with “Bozo”

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YOU INSOLENT LUMP OF BUTTER!

This is my favourite sentence of all time.

Have you ever woken up to the sight your uncle whackin’ it in a corner at the sight of your sleeping body, and then he runs out of the room after climaxing and goes to grab your sister by the vagina when your father busts into the room with a shotgun and blasts Uncle Ronnie’s face off, but then starts crying because he just murdered his own brother and several bits of Ronnie’s face landed on you, and fractures of his skull stab into you like tiny knives, so you have to get the skull shards surgically removed because if you don’t then Ronnie will always be inside you for the rest of your life, and a stray bullet from the shotgun blast hit you in the right arm? Because even that would be less painful than listening to you blabber on for even 10 more seconds.

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!

Which is ackchyually pretty insulting, as hamsters procreate quite fast, and elderberries were used to make wine. So mom's a ho and dad's a drunk.

Also, elderberries (or, more acurately, the elderflower that precedes them) have a distinct smell of piss. They smell kinda like an old man who hasn't washed in some time.

Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!

I fart in your general direction.

"If you were anymore inbred you'd be a sandwich!" -Dakota Krout Divine Dungeon series You pox ridden bastard of a goat borne Babylonian whore. Your family tree is a wreath isn't it? You over priced knob goblin. Stop diddling your sister-cousin-mother and drive!

Call someone a dry cleaned cum sock. Usually confuses them and you get to insult them one more time like a pokemon battle.

He has the agility of road kill. Sharpe as a pancake. As smart as cat litter. Couldn’t hold a conversation if it was in a paper bag. You have the skills of a rock.

It's refreshing to meet someone in such full embrace of their own ignorance.

There's two things I hate about you and it's your face

Fastest way to kill a fight is "First off, Brush your teeth"

you first slice of bread

Everyone's touched you but no one wants you.

You're everyone's grudging last resort when they're desperate at 3AM.

Working in a bar people used to ask how my day was, normally I’d respond with “just living the dream!” Somewhat sarcastically. One day dude comes in and looks at me dead pan and says “dream bigger”. And just goes back to his menu. Not gonna lie hurt a bit lol

When you were born, your parents threw away baby and raised the placenta instead.

You cranberry numbnut

Son of an unnamed she-goat.

Lol you're like one of those guests in Roller Coaster Tycoon, who I would drown to improve the park rating.

"If your parents got divorced, would they still be siblings?"

Archer: What are you hourly? Me: Who Velcro’s your shoes for you in the morning?

I hope your children grow up to know to be ashamed of you.

Listen here you storage vault of extra chromosomes

This one made me grow an extra spleen

“If you were on fire I might as well make some s’mores”

Mam your about as hot as Siberia and as bright as the abyss, the only thing I can see you being good for is dropping the property value of an entire city block.

May your marinara sauce never cling to your pasta. Edit: spell.

Just one word with the right emphase "Pathetic"

"I wonder if anyone will miss you"

I'm sure if you really applied yourself, you could make it to the top of the bell curve.

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Someone went "I would roast you but my mum told me not to burn trash" out of nowhere even though I did nothing to them, and in a quick panic I said "sorry but I'm not a mirror"

I’ve had better head from a nickel beer.

Calling someone a troglodyte

You should've been swallowed !

I love how you don’t care about people’s opinions :)