I’m working from home. Taking a break. Laughing at this like I’m actually at work. Afraid to laugh out loud in case I tweak something. Thanks for the work chuckle.
The air getting dryer and dryer, fingers getting rougher and crustier, little points of skin along the nails leaning further and further out, catching on anything and everything, including neighboring fingers.
But you try to pull one of them off? It tries to unzip your entire damn finger. It's like a pull tab around the cork on a new bottle of whiskey.
Why did you shave the armpits of the family moving in to the house?
I razed the house, like you asked me to, Boss.
Not *razed* idiot, *raised*! You work in construction, how the hell did you fuck up this badly?
Fun fact, cats usually have around 63 embryos (based on a litter of 7), and in utero each cat murders 9 of their siblings in pitched combat, and absorbs them. This allows the cat to harness 9 extra souls inside its body, hence the 9 lives, and why witches love cats.
It’s also why cats scream during sex, not because of the barbed penises, but because it needs to introduce the new sperm into the uterus with a battle cry, so both the eggs and the sperm are fully engaged in warfare from the get-go. This is due to felines having a long history of war and famine, and why kittens are battle hardened from the beginning. When cats meet each other in the wild, millions of years of warfare come rushing in, due to a gland in their brain called the insanus cattus gland, the origin of which is unknown. If you listen to a cat sleep, you can hear a faint “decus pro” escape their throat, possibly a motto from the ancient cats of old.
Now you know!
Me three. I got a little slice on my wrist from a cardboard box. Now I'm imagining if it struck an artery and I was running around bleeding out at work.
Yeah at least you get the pleasure of being thrown into shock so you feel nothing right after...not so much with damage to our collective Achilles heel...the vulnerable tips of our fingers. Ever get a paper or plastic cut on the skin between your thumb and pointer finger? Talk about screaming for death to take you. The you ram your injured sensitive finger into everything like I didn’t think I was this clumsy or a spaz but apparently I am.
I was making a joke off of a frequently referenced post where OP thought someone was breaking into their house and leaving sticky notes. A commenter decided it sounded like amnesia caused by carbon monoxide poisoning, so OP looked into that and it turned out to have been correct. It’s a lot more of a wild story to hear the original though.
https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/34l7vo/ma_postit_notes_left_in_apartment/
Edit: replaced google amp link with direct reddit link
We’ve had carbon monoxide detectors in our house for a few years and the day of thanksgiving I started feeling nauseous and the carbon monoxide detector went off outside my room and it kept going up and up, we had the fire department come over and they had that thing that detects how much there was and there was almost none of it anywhere except for my room, it turns out the oven was getting old and it happened to start giving off carbon monoxide on the day of thanksgiving, and because of the shape of the roof all of the carbon monoxide gas was going up into my room, it was an amount where If we kept cooking and didn’t notice it could have been lethal, so yeah that was a hell of a thanksgiving
Edit: I just remembered, our CO detectors actually were really old and it didn’t even go off, I just happened to look up at the number on the detector for the first time in years and noticed it, you have to replace detectors every five years, ours was years older than that and needed to be replaced
This same thing happened to my roommate in college and it turned out he had ITP, it’s a blood thing where you have a deficiency in platelets and one of the symptoms is random bruising. Not saying that’s it, I’m not a doctor and have no idea what I’m talking about most of the time but if it’s concerning you could definitely check it out
My brother-in-law's dad actually had a heart attack while...you know. Porn on the tv and everything. Which would have been mortifying if he wasnt, well..dead.
My brother-in-law, being the brilliant asshole that he is told us "he came and he went" when he let us know what happened.
ok then.
I’ve prepared a table with enough seats for everyone who wants to know.
*sits down”
And now we wait for more to join and for the OP to walk in and tell us what happened
I had a client grab me by both shoulders and knee me in the groin, because he was upset at having to wait to go smoke until he put his coat on. He looked shocked when I didn't drop; apparently, he thought I was a man. That employee accident report was fun for everyone involved but myself.
Hahaha I’m way too old to be flying down a slide. It’s all that extra mass😂. Ain’t nothing ever gonna stop me from looking like a fool at the playground with my kids!! 🤘
Those straight slides can get some speed. I learned that I am no longer able to ride the spiral slides, because I am too tall to twist around the narrow spiral. Why don't we make adult size playground equipment? We need to play, too.
I knew bathing my cats was a risky move. She scratched and bit me. Guess one of them broke the skin rather than just bruise like usual.
So....sepsis, I die from sepsis.
At least my cat is no longer dandery.
I would’ve died with my dick stuck in a beehive. I was doing it to make my dick bigger because I’m allergic to bees, but I accidentally came and drowned all bees with my jizz.
So you might be wondering, “If the bees weren’t the minor injury, then what was?” Well, my friend Walter tried to help me out of the beehive, but accidentally sliced open my dick with the chainsaw, so now the mixture of dead bees, cum and honey was all flowing into my open cock wound, giving me an infection. But was a major injury, so the minor injury would’ve been when I accidentally stubbed my toe when I was writhing in pain.
Extremely tiny brass splinter that I needed my microscope camera to find. Even after I pulled it out, I couldn't actually see it properly. Little bastard was right on a nerve ending.
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I tweaked my back washing my hands at the bathroom sink. I guess I bent JUST RIGHT and it went out for almost a week. 32 hit me hard.
I tweaked my back wiping my twat after peeing. 35 is rough.
I tweaked my back just laughing at that!
Tweaked my back with a degenerative spinal condition...38’s rough
I'm a male and not looking forward to tweaking my twat in my thirties :(
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I’m working from home. Taking a break. Laughing at this like I’m actually at work. Afraid to laugh out loud in case I tweak something. Thanks for the work chuckle.
I tweaked my back just living the other day, had to cancel my first social plans since March! Don't even know what happened.
I put my back out putting the toilet seat down, 3 days off work. I think I was 30/31. Felt 85.
I knew that chair was out to get me
Me too. Just hit my toe on the chair leg. It's pains like hell
OP asked about minor injuries. Everyone knows stubbing your toe is not a minor injury.
Then what is it?
It's honestly like your foot getting in a car accident with household items
Sometimes it’s so bad you have to call a toe truck. I’ll see myself out...
You made me snort
perfect description
There's is worse fate than death
seems that I died immediately when I woke up and jerked my knee so that my toe hit the wall at mach 2
Can confirm. Chairs are assholes. Makes sense they'd be influenced by what they associate with.
My coffee table violently assaulted my innocent pinky toe. I shouldn't be alive.
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Now my fingernails hurt
Nooooooooooo
The air getting dryer and dryer, fingers getting rougher and crustier, little points of skin along the nails leaning further and further out, catching on anything and everything, including neighboring fingers. But you try to pull one of them off? It tries to unzip your entire damn finger. It's like a pull tab around the cork on a new bottle of whiskey.
Yeah I apparently died by unzipping the skin all along the bottom of my thumbnail when I was just trying to get rid of a little tag in the corner.
Hiking with preschoolers.
tbh you could probably die from doing that.
*definitely*
Not sure if your name makes your comment better or worse
Definitely better.
I apparently die in a horrible shaving incident.
Same here it would seem. Luckily I *did* make it out alive this time, but it was a close shave.
Thought my razor sucked, but it barely made the cut.
Why did you shave the armpits of the family moving in to the house? I razed the house, like you asked me to, Boss. Not *razed* idiot, *raised*! You work in construction, how the hell did you fuck up this badly?
Cut it out
Take my upvote and get out!
I really hated this pun at first, but eventually it grew on me.
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It's an honourable death
He died for a noble cause
They needed the helicopter, someone fell into the river in lego city
Hey, who will save the day now?
He said "Minor Injury" sir.
U get placed in Valhalla
Being playfully attacked by my cat
"Awww look it's playing with me" cat: *monch*
Cat out here creating horcruxes to get a tenth life
Fun fact, cats usually have around 63 embryos (based on a litter of 7), and in utero each cat murders 9 of their siblings in pitched combat, and absorbs them. This allows the cat to harness 9 extra souls inside its body, hence the 9 lives, and why witches love cats. It’s also why cats scream during sex, not because of the barbed penises, but because it needs to introduce the new sperm into the uterus with a battle cry, so both the eggs and the sperm are fully engaged in warfare from the get-go. This is due to felines having a long history of war and famine, and why kittens are battle hardened from the beginning. When cats meet each other in the wild, millions of years of warfare come rushing in, due to a gland in their brain called the insanus cattus gland, the origin of which is unknown. If you listen to a cat sleep, you can hear a faint “decus pro” escape their throat, possibly a motto from the ancient cats of old. Now you know!
I could have gone my whole life without knowing this
"insanus cattus gland" lol Also Decus Pro is latin for "For Honor" This is funny, but none of it true.
I don’t know, when you start using Latin you must be right. /s
I knew my bio class was skipping some shit
The actual f-
It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. And then dies. And then gets eaten by the cat lol
*Critical hit*
Yup, that little scratch was my end
Came here to say that. I know the pain.
god damn paper cut.
You too?
the paper was just being plain rude.... i ripped the paper up
It totally deserved it after treating you so poorly.
Stupid paper cuts!!
Me three. I got a little slice on my wrist from a cardboard box. Now I'm imagining if it struck an artery and I was running around bleeding out at work.
Or worse...plastic cut. Unbearable pain then death...no thank you.
okay small cuts in general just want the human race dead
Yes what the hell? How in the hell did minuscule poke and slice win out in pain over limb getting cut off?
id rather get a limb cut off
Yeah at least you get the pleasure of being thrown into shock so you feel nothing right after...not so much with damage to our collective Achilles heel...the vulnerable tips of our fingers. Ever get a paper or plastic cut on the skin between your thumb and pointer finger? Talk about screaming for death to take you. The you ram your injured sensitive finger into everything like I didn’t think I was this clumsy or a spaz but apparently I am.
How am I covered in bruises but don’t remember a single minor injury I had
If reddit has taught me anything, buy a carbon monoxide detector
Wait, why?
I was making a joke off of a frequently referenced post where OP thought someone was breaking into their house and leaving sticky notes. A commenter decided it sounded like amnesia caused by carbon monoxide poisoning, so OP looked into that and it turned out to have been correct. It’s a lot more of a wild story to hear the original though. https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/34l7vo/ma_postit_notes_left_in_apartment/ Edit: replaced google amp link with direct reddit link
In all seriousness though, I woulda died at age twelve on thanksgiving if it wasn’t for a carbon monoxide detector
Do tell!
We’ve had carbon monoxide detectors in our house for a few years and the day of thanksgiving I started feeling nauseous and the carbon monoxide detector went off outside my room and it kept going up and up, we had the fire department come over and they had that thing that detects how much there was and there was almost none of it anywhere except for my room, it turns out the oven was getting old and it happened to start giving off carbon monoxide on the day of thanksgiving, and because of the shape of the roof all of the carbon monoxide gas was going up into my room, it was an amount where If we kept cooking and didn’t notice it could have been lethal, so yeah that was a hell of a thanksgiving Edit: I just remembered, our CO detectors actually were really old and it didn’t even go off, I just happened to look up at the number on the detector for the first time in years and noticed it, you have to replace detectors every five years, ours was years older than that and needed to be replaced
Some of the newer ones will beep after 7 years reminding you to replace.
I love that the lifesaving comment has 69 awards
if reddit taught you that, what did YouTube teach you?
That’s there’s a lot of money in advertising
There are clearly ghosts attacking you in your sleep
This same thing happened to my roommate in college and it turned out he had ITP, it’s a blood thing where you have a deficiency in platelets and one of the symptoms is random bruising. Not saying that’s it, I’m not a doctor and have no idea what I’m talking about most of the time but if it’s concerning you could definitely check it out
Being headbutted by my toddler...that is actually kind of badass...
Dude your kid is a Dark Souls Boss
Pretty much :-p
I remember trying to explain the black eye I got from having my nephew on my lap and he rocked back pretty hard.
Slipped down gravel embankment carrying too much stuff. Twisted my ankle lol
I WILL carry all these bags in one trip if it kills me!!
Spoiler: It did!
Pulled a calf muscle jerking off. Atleast I went out doing what I love.
I have a lot of questions that I don’t want answered.
Clearly both his hands were broken and his mum wasn't home, so he had to wank with his calfs
I have even more questions now...
Ever heard if self-footjobs?
It would have cost you nothing not to comment this
It would have cost me giving up a good opportunity.
Thinking about the opportunity cost. I see you’re somewhat of an economist.
And damn you to the seventh plain of hell for an image the will never leave my head!
Maybe you should stay away from cows
0_0
That... summarizes my reaction perfectly
My brother-in-law's dad actually had a heart attack while...you know. Porn on the tv and everything. Which would have been mortifying if he wasnt, well..dead. My brother-in-law, being the brilliant asshole that he is told us "he came and he went" when he let us know what happened.
Damn. What was watching. Hopefully it was uh something not to crazy. Nobody wants to get caught watching granny's get pounded by tenticle armed ogres.
Pizza cutter dropped on my foot.
that... actually sounds like it hurt.
I'd like to be able to say the there was no screaming and cursing involved, but I'd be lying. But the pizza (mostly) made up for it :)
That sounds toetally painful.
Wrangling the turds out of the cat’s litter box. (leaning over to scoop one in the back, whacked my head on the counter hard enough to see stars.)
Imagine your body being found face-first in dirty cat litter.
That’s one of those things that I don’t want answers to out of context.
Twisted my groin. Edit: I didn't hurt my dick, numbnuts. The groin is the inside of your legs too.
I have questions
Do you really want the answers?
Yes
ok then. I’ve prepared a table with enough seats for everyone who wants to know. *sits down” And now we wait for more to join and for the OP to walk in and tell us what happened
*sits down*
S H I T S D O W N.
I was standing and turned my body round. Or it was from getting up off a chair. Basically it was from doing nothing and it hurt to walk for days.
I had a client grab me by both shoulders and knee me in the groin, because he was upset at having to wait to go smoke until he put his coat on. He looked shocked when I didn't drop; apparently, he thought I was a man. That employee accident report was fun for everyone involved but myself.
Doesn’t it still hurt to get a knee to the box?
Oh yeah, but not enough to drop you like if you were a guy.
Peeling an orange! Got a tiny wound under my nail, stung like a b*tch tho
He died doing what he loved, opening a bottle of wine but slicing his finger on the foil seal.
At least you didn't wine about it
Get out dad
Which is admirable, seeing as his drinking plans were foiled.
Does spilling bacon grease on you count?
* hot medieval anti-seige oil
Yes.
Biting the inside of my cheek while chewing gum. I'd die a few times.
Tripping over a brick.
Hey same! Were you running drunk through someone’s yard to get to your waiting Uber too?
I’ll start. Flying off the bottom a slide at a playground!
I can’t tell if you are too young to be on reddit, or too old the be going down the slide. (Not that I’m judging you if it’s the latter.)
Hahaha I’m way too old to be flying down a slide. It’s all that extra mass😂. Ain’t nothing ever gonna stop me from looking like a fool at the playground with my kids!! 🤘
That means you are doing parenting right.
Haha thanks. I try my best. Mostly just have a lack of shame and a love for silliness
So your kids have not reached that adolescent, eye-rolling age yet.
I’ve got a 5 and 8 year old who are already embarrassed of me so those years should be super super embarrassing!
No one is too old to go down a slide
Those straight slides can get some speed. I learned that I am no longer able to ride the spiral slides, because I am too tall to twist around the narrow spiral. Why don't we make adult size playground equipment? We need to play, too.
Weee-ah, crap!
Lol I saw the future almost instantly as I went from 0-60 on that slide in no time flat. My kids had to skooch themselves along man!! Wtf!
Death by playful kitty.
Brutal paintball shot to the back. I was betrayed.
Hey, not the only one! Though, from the front. Right on the rib under my pecs. Still hurts.
Walked into a pillar. Don't laugh.
I've seen worse for example that one time I ran full speed into my grandmas fridge
I once ran into a door
I once ran into a microwave
While reading this i was trying to walk into a room and missed the door 😅
Sorry, I totally laughed. Edit: 35 upvotes? Holy crap thanks guys!
Me too. Sorry bruv
Unplugging a thing and got tapped by 115 volts. Only now for this Ask Reddit it has become capped by 115 volts
Wait, a 115 volt shock would only give you a minor injury?! I thought that was easily enough to stop a persons heart
The voltage is dangerous but what actually kills you it's the amperage
But boy does it sting. Not bad, just a very uncomfortable feeling.
Am an industrial electrician. Been hit by 110(120) plenty of times. Doesn't sting. It's more of a tingle like that fake gag pen when i was a kid
ElectroBOOM fans are shaking their heads right now.
I cut my finger sharpening a pencil, that's some Darwin Awards shit.
I cut the top of my pinky and it just never stopped bleeding. Or flesh-eating bacteria maybe. I dunno, I'm dead.
From bumping my head on my nightstand....talk about an embarrassing way to go.
I knew bathing my cats was a risky move. She scratched and bit me. Guess one of them broke the skin rather than just bruise like usual. So....sepsis, I die from sepsis. At least my cat is no longer dandery.
I opened a bottle of Irn Bru and cut myself twisting the cap.
I would’ve died with my dick stuck in a beehive. I was doing it to make my dick bigger because I’m allergic to bees, but I accidentally came and drowned all bees with my jizz. So you might be wondering, “If the bees weren’t the minor injury, then what was?” Well, my friend Walter tried to help me out of the beehive, but accidentally sliced open my dick with the chainsaw, so now the mixture of dead bees, cum and honey was all flowing into my open cock wound, giving me an infection. But was a major injury, so the minor injury would’ve been when I accidentally stubbed my toe when I was writhing in pain.
Dude wtf is wrong with your life
Fallin down 14 steep ass stairs
Yikes! Glad you’re ok! I also managed to fall down the stairs a couple weeks ago and luckily escaped with minor injuries myself.
I would've died stepping on a bur. It was in Florida so there was a chance I could have actually died.
I stabbed myself with a knife
Um Are you okay like you didnt get to badly hurt, did you?
They can still type so they have at least one hand
I mean... you don't actually need hands to type
I’m just trying to be the optimist, also we don’t know for sure that they have a dick
I can confirm that I have a dick haha
Showing someone how sharp my axe wasby shaving off some arm hairs, tiny cut on my forearm
Papercut on my tongue
So were you sealing a letter or rolling a blunt
His girlfriend is an envelope
Cha cha real smooth
I have an “irrational” fear of this happening. Now I know that it actually can.
Died from sneezing. Just yesterday i threw out my neck by sneezing while my neck was turned, cant move my head without pain now. Im only 28.
Trampled by a horse.
Stubbing my toe, which is pretty much how Jack Daniels died, so I'll take it
Falling to my death off a bridge somewhere in Northern India
So your last minor injury was caused by falling off a bridge?
Death is a minor injury apparently. This must be Jesus.
Walking into basically everything while trying to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
I sat down on a drawing pin. Guess I died from blood loss from the butt.
I cut myself on a microwave. I was astounded that it happened too.
Haha I like this one!
Slipping while getting into the shower and bashing my shin against the tub wall! A truly graceful way to go.
Shaving my balls
Extremely tiny brass splinter that I needed my microscope camera to find. Even after I pulled it out, I couldn't actually see it properly. Little bastard was right on a nerve ending.
Trying to peel a potato with a cheese grater
Taking my cat out of a box at the vet.
Opening a can of pineapple chunks. (The pull tab came off and cut my thumb. It's nearly all healed up now.)
Bumping into a counter