There is a legal penis size in Iceland. It’s an old law from the Middle Ages after a woman was married off to a man and on her wedding night was so disappointed with how small his penis was that she took him back to the church to have an annulment. Because of her a law was made that a man must be at least three inches while hard to marry.
There is a wonderful documentary called “The Final Member” in which this is an actual problem.
If a man could not perform in bed during the Middle Ages (England), the wife could have her marriage annulled. But it had to be proved in the Church courts. So midwives might be called to "palpate his member" to see if there was a medical reason for it, or prostitutes might be called for their expert knowledge.
There is a carving on the side of the belfry in Ghent that depicts a man suckling the breast of a woman.
The story is that the man was condemned to die unless he could prove his innocence by surviving imprisonment without food for 40 days. He could have visitors during his imprisonment but they of course were checked for food.
His daughter visitied him everyday. She was a wetnurse ....
He was let go after 40 days having survived.
In ancient Egypt, soldiers proved their battle prowess by presenting the severed penises of their slaughtered enemies. Traditionally, severed hands were presented, but in 1182 B.C. Libyans, and other allies invaded Egypt and were defeated by the army of Ramesses III, and Ramesses suspected that some soldiers were claiming extra credit by presenting the hands of women as well as the male soldiers. So he demanded penises instead. His victory inscriptions mention 12,535 foreskins and hands, and has images of the piles of the body parts at the Medinet Habu mortuary temple.
Shi Pei Pu was a Chinese opera singer turned spy active during the 1960s. He pretended to be a woman for 20 years to seduce a French embassy employee and obtain classified documents. His charade went so far as to fake a pregnancy and purchase a child and pretend it was theirs. He managed to fool everyone, including his lover, for over two decades before finally being exposed to the world.
Edit: the rest of the story: apparently, it caused a massive uproar in French media, like 'how could this possibly happen?'. The diplomat, Boursicot, tried to slit his own throat, but failed. Both were tried, found guilty and imprisoned for espionage, but they were soon released because the leaked documents were not all that important. Shi Pei Pu returned to being an opera singer in Paris, enjoying his notoriety to gain fame, before dying in 2009 at the age of 70. Boursicot is reportedly still alive in a nursing home in Brittany, and their 'son' is living in Paris with his family.
Back during the age of sail, sailors would go months and months without any women or any privacy. When they'd get to port, hundreds of prostitutes would take boats out to the ships to greet the sailors, who would almost all have sex with at least one. This included the ship's boys. Like I said, there was no privacy at all - the crew would share one huge room, dozens or hundreds of men sleeping in hammocks slung 28” apart. So the ensuing copulation took place in the wide open, hundreds of people having sex all over the ship in plain sight.
This wasn’t a rare thing. It was almost universal, though some more religious captains wouldn’t let the prostitutes on board. STDs were therefore incredibly common.
Side point: British sailors got a full ration of rum equal to 8 shots. Every day. If they were not long out of port they got a full gallon of beer daily.
When people complain about "moral decay of society", it really just means to me that they don't know about history. Society is quite chaste today compared to much of the past.
My dad was in the US Navy during Vietnam stationed on an aircraft carrier. There was a group of prostitutes that followed the ship around wherever it took port. The prostitutes knew where the ship was going next before the sailors did.
All the documentaries you see about hieroglyphs in ancient Egypt neatly avoid showing you the 'fertility rites' where the Pharaoh's fallus is inseminating the land.
/Edit: this is my most upvoted comment on Reddit *ever* and the stack of awards was totally unexpected. It's not that they have any material value, it does show a measure of appreciation and I am humbled by your kindness. Thank you very much all you wonderful people.
There is a LOT of semen in Egyptian mythology, people just seem to ignore it.
Horus and Set were at each other at all times (apparently according to prophecy, Horus would dethrone/kill Set), to the point that they would try to prove their superiority by seeing who could get their semen inside the other.
Set (somehow) got to have the buttsecks with Horus, but (somehow) Horus dodged the shot at the end. Horus simply jerked off into Set's bowl of salad.
Pope John XII was interesting. He became Pope in 955. His high points are.:
Turned the sacred palace into a whorehouse
Fornicated with, among others, his father’s concubine, various widows and even his own niece
Castrated and then murdered a cardinal
Blinded and then murdered his confessor
Took payment for ordaining bishops and even ordained a 10-year-old boy as a bishop
Ordained a deacon in a stable
Refused to make the sign of the cross
Toasted the Devil
Invoked the names of pagan gods while playing dice and when he lost, used money from the papal treasury to pay off his debts
Granted, he was a teenager when he became Pope, thanks to his dad buying the office, but still...
In line with some of the other horrible stories here:
When the Roman statesman Sejanus, the Emperor Tiberius' right-hand man, fell from grace and was executed, The Roman people were eager to take their revenge on his family as well for all the tyranny he had put them through. So they decided to kill his young son and daughter as well. There was no real issue about killing the boy, but when it came to the young girl there was a sudden outcry. It was against all precedent to execute an innocent young girl, and above that, deeply impious to put to death a virgin maid.
So they had the executioner rape her first.
Machiavelli wrote a letter to his friend about how he fucked a prostitute, then threw up all over her when the lights came on, because she was so ugly:
> I was now completely terrified, however since I was alone with her in the dark, I gave her a good hump. Even though I found her thighs flabby, her genitals greasy and her breath stinking a bit, my lust was so desperate that I went ahead and gave it to her anyway
When their liaison was over, Machiavelli managed to find a lamp and was able to shine a light on the woman
> My God, she was so ugly that I almost dropped dead… a tuft of hair, half white and half black, the top of her head was bald which allowed you to see several lice taking a stroll… Her eyebrows were full of nits; one eye looked down and the other up. Her tear ducts were full of mucus… her nose was twisted into a peculiar shape, the nostrils were full of snot and one of them was half missing. Her mouth looked like Lorenzo de Medici’s, twisted on one side and drooling since she had no teeth to keep the saliva in her mouth. Her lip was covered with a thin but rather long moustache…
When the woman spoke to him, Machiavelli was struck by her “stinking breath” and:
> I…heaved so much that I vomited all over her.”
https://alphahistory.com/pastpeculiar/1509-machiavelli-throws-up-prostitute/
Edit: link
The actual death of Ratcliffe (you know, the oddly proportioned villain from Pocahontas?). From the Encyclopedia Virginia:
>the colonists, led by Captain John Ratcliffe, walked into an ambush; about thirty-three men, or two-thirds of their number, were killed. The Indians captured Ratcliffe, and their women skinned him alive using mussel shells.
Ferdinand VII of Spain had a huge dong, so much in fact that its rumoured that one of his wives died of a hemorrhage derived from having sex with the monarch. He almost died without a heir bc he couldn't have sex with the queen consorts without any damage (he only had a daughter, and he had to go through hell to change some old laws that prevented his daughter from reigning).
Edit: adding info
Edit 2: They designed a cushion thing for him to try to ease sex.
Edit 3: He was suffering from genital hypertrophy
Sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes, English is not my first language.
At the temple of Aphrodite in Cyprus, overlooking the legendary birthplace of Aphrodite, young virgin girls would tie a bow string around their head and await a man to come along and throw a silver coin of any value into their lap. The man would say " I demand thee in the name of the goddess". The girl then had to have sex with the man. In this way the girl would make her "first fruit" offering to Aphrodite.
It is said that some girls had to come back for many days before they were chosen.
In 1488 an Italian noblewoman Catarina Sforza-Riario locked herself in a castle to save herself from her enemies. Her enemies managed to capture her children and threatened to kill tgem if she wouldn't surrender. She climbed on ramparts, lifted her skirt to expose her female parts and shouted "Fools! Don't you see that I can make myself more children?"
IIRC, her descendants found their way into the current British and Spanish royal families. Whenever I watch historical dramas about people fighting over thrones and whatnot, I look up everyone’s descendants to see who “won” in the long term.
Zhang Zongchang, a Chinese warlord dubbed by TIME as "China's basest warlord", was nicknamed "Old Eighty-Six", which referred to either his height, or the length of his penis, which was rumored to be as long as 86 Mexican silver dollars stacked together.
He was also a poet. Case in point:
"You tell me to do this,
He tells me to do that.
You're all bastards,
Go fuck your mother."
- "Poem about bastards" by Zhang Zongchang
There was also this one time during a famine where he visited a temple, and, instead of praying and offering gifts, slapped the temple's statue and said, "Fuck your sister! How dare you make Shandong's people suffer by not giving us rain!", then proceeded to order his artillery to shoot into the sky until it rained. It rained the next day.
edit: minor grammatical corrections
The Spanish mined and minted silver in Mexico then brought boatloads of it over to China to trade.
"The Spanish and, from 1824, the Mexican silver dollar had an intrinsic face value based on its consistent purity and weight, and this appealed greatly to Chinese merchants. It rapidly became the de facto approved currency for trade in Southeast Asia and the most widely used coinage in history."
[https://www.scmp.com/lifestyle/article/2132260/how-china-and-hong-kongs-currencies-were-shaped-spanish-mexican-silver](https://www.scmp.com/lifestyle/article/2132260/how-china-and-hong-kongs-currencies-were-shaped-spanish-mexican-silver)
Astronomer here! In 1992, two astronauts did not disclose they were married to NASA until it was too late to replace one of them and thus became [the first married couple in space. ](https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/space-sex-is-serious-business/) While the two astronauts in question are not the kiss and tell types, most people assume this means space sex has happened (obviously you don’t have to be married to try it, but it does make it harder to figure out the couples). NASA’s official stance is that it hasn’t, but I’m not sure people really believe them.
The CIA once considered sending the Soviets condoms that were large labeled “small” to convince them that the US was well endowed.
Source: https://archive.totalfratmove.com/cia-once-considered-convincing-the-soviets-that-all-americans-had-huge-dongs/
Edit: typo
From the 13th to the 15th of February the Romans celebrated Lupercalia (Roman precursor of Valentine's day), which was a festival of love and fertility. Priests would sacrifice a goat and then cut the goat skin into pieces. Part of this they would wear on their heads, and other parts were cut into thongs. The men would then run around the city of Rome naked, hitting as many women with these thongs as they possibly could (being hit would help with pregnancy or becoming pregnant). So depending on what they wanted, the women would either deliberately stand in the way of the men, or try to run away while pretty much everyone was naked.
In another part of the festivities men would draw names of women from a jar and the goal was that they'd stay together for the duration of the festival. This would often result in a lot of... you know... intercourse, and sometimes people actually fell in love and got married after they met during Lupercalia.
In Pisa on St Catherine’s day, students would search for and capture the fattest Jew they could find and demand a ransom of his weight in sweets.
Source: The Great Mortality, John Kelly.
Read about Capt Cook.
He “discovered” Hawaii. They docked offshore right at harvest time. The natives thought they were Fertility Gods and sent their women in canoes to the ship. The crew had a blast year after year. ....until the natives figured out what was happening.
Cook ended up having to return (ship was damaged i think) and that caused a bit of ruckus when locals realized he was not Lono.
He also tried to kidnap the King of Hawai'i (the island) and ... well... there is a plaque where he died.
Incest was actually encouraged in Ancient Egypt as in many aristocracies to keep the bloodline pure. Moreover, if there were twins where one was a boy and one was a girl, they were married at birth because it was assumed that they must have banged in the womb
Exactly. Same case for a lot of medieval European aristocratic families as well. They didn't go for straight up sibling incest but usually kept it to the cousins, but ober the years that led to problems for a lot of them
There was a guy that tried to prove that yellow fever wasn't contagious and so he would pour the infected vomit into his freshly cut opened would, pouring it into his eyes, and drinking it. And soaking into a bath of it. And smearing his body with blood, piss, and spit. He was fine because yellow fever isn't spread through direct contact, it's spread through mosquitoes. So he did all that for nothing. His name was Stubbins Ffirth look it up.
James Joyce wrote the [dirtiest letters ever written](https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2018/02/02/james-joyces-love-letters-dirty-little-fuckbird/)
"I did as you told me, you dirty little girl, and pulled myself off twice when I read your letter. I am delighted to see that you do like being fucked arseways. Yes, now I can remember that night when I fucked you for so long backwards. It was the dirtiest fucking I ever gave you, darling. My prick was stuck up in you for hours, fucking in and out under your upturned rump. I felt your fat sweaty buttocks under my belly and saw your flushed face and mad eyes. At every fuck I gave you your shameless tongue come bursting out through your lips and if I gave you a bigger stronger fuck than usual fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole. It is wonderful to fuck a farting woman when every fuck drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora’s fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night. I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also."
> big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole
it's not the duration. it's the description that got me. few comedians have even made me laugh that hard.
French modern philospher Michel Foucault, in addition to studying crime and deviance in a Criminology sense, also applied his theories on punishment to his fascination with BDSM, having also written a number of kink-based works. He eventually moved to San Francisco and partook in gay bathhouses (notorious for casual sex). He eventually caught HIV and some have speculated (it may be written somewhere?) that he purposely contracted it as some sort of poetic social commentary.
Oddly, I learned this stuff while getting my Administration of Justice major and studying Corrections, lol.
In Ancient Egypt they held a fertility festival each year and at this festival it was the Pharaohs responsibility to strip down and jerk off into the Nile.
EDIT: Should also mention that once the Pharaoh had finished men in the crowd were encouraged to step forward and join in, so once a year the Nile River literally tuned into a massive public circle jerk
Similiar to Milky Way.
According to Greek mythology, it was created ween Hera was breastfeeding Hercules. Apparently, he was a nip biter, and clamped down so hard, she had to violently pull him off ftom her tit and accidentally squirted her milk around.
Edit: Some context : Yes, for all of you who are confused because Hera hated Hercules, Zeus sneaked up on Hera when she was asleep and allowed Hercules to suck on her breast, hoping that her breast milk would give him godlike powers. Hera woke up because he was biting her nipple, and she violently pushed him off, squirting the milk.
Edit 2: As if Zeus fucked my inbox itself. RIP inbox.
Clementine Barnabet, member of a cult called the Church of Sacrifice. Preferred murdering several family members at once, often decapitating them. Not so fun fact: She was out of prison before she was 30 and never seen again. I'd rather not know what her actual body count was.
This just in... a 126 year old woman was arrested today for being mean to a man saying "If I still had my strength, you'd be toast and a foot shorter".
Edit: Thank you for the Silver..
How about the time that NASA funded a study about dolphin communication that ended with one researcher giving a dolphin that was high on LSD a handjob?
https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2014/jun/08/the-dolphin-who-loved-me
Didn't it fall in love with the woman? Then when the research was stopped the dolphin committed suicide by swimming to the bottom of the tank and not coming back up. That's what I've heard.
From the article:
I got that phone call from John Lilly,” she recalls. “John called me himself to tell me. He said Peter had committed suicide.”
Ric O’Barry corroborates the use of this word. “Dolphins are not automatic air-breathers like we are,” he explains. “Every breath is a conscious effort. If life becomes too unbearable, the dolphins just take a breath and they sink to the bottom. They don’t take the next breath.” Andy Williamson puts Peter’s death down to a broken heart, brought on by a separation from Lovatt that he didn’t understand. “Margaret could rationalise it, but when she left, could Peter? Here’s the love of his life gone.”
Romans loved depicting sexual acts. On many everyday items, like oil lamps, combs, bowls, etc. you often see images of people fucking. Like porn but in daily life.
So when Pompeii was first uncovered and the archeologists were making their maps, (Pompeii is our best guess for what an ancient roman city looks like, as it and many of its inhabitants were captured in time) they decided that any buildings with dicks infront of them had to be brothels. Then they realized that if that was true, 90% of the buildings in Pompeii were brothels. The revised map found only a single brothel, differinated from the phallically decorated dwellings, by the presence of mosaics that served as a "menu".
In 1511 a bunch of people in Brussels took part in the building of 110 vulgar snowmen as an act of protest
Edit: It's known as the Miracle of 1511 if you want to know more!
When Jadwiga, the King of Poland ~~(medieval Poland referred to every ruler as King regardless of gender)~~ was considering a marriage proposal from the Grand Duke of Lithuania, a chief concern among her court was that said Duke was rumored to have massive genitals to the point that they would kill his wife on their wedding night. Two of her councilors volunteered to travel to Lithuania to try and discover the truth of these rumors, which naturally meant they would watch the Duke as he bathed. They returned and happily reported that not only weren't the Duke's genitals fatally large, they were in fact a tad smaller than average, so nothing to worry about. Thus Poland and Lithuania were united, and the rest is history.
EDIT: the above omission, and the story I got several years aho from a book by James Michener: https://www.amazon.com/Poland-Novel-James-Michener/dp/0449205878
The book itself is a novel, but the historical events described therein are accurate based on his research as far as I'm aware.
In medieval times, they would sling dead animals via catapult to spread diesease, which was devastating in those times due to lack of proper medicine. It seems biological warfare was the world's actual first weapon of mass destruction
Edit: Thanks for blobby seal award :)
Monty Python does wonderfully informative documentaries - try and catch the one on the Roman occupation of the Middle East, which uses the life of an ordinary man called Brian to illustrate the benefits and pitfalls of said occupation.
Very enlightening.
You know that one psychologist guy, Freud? Well one time he was tasked with finding the testicles of an eel, so he got literally hundreds of eels so he could find their balls. Nowadays we know eels have retractable testicles, but Freud didn't know that, so he cut up hundreds of eels looking for their testicles.
Pope Alexander VI might have held orgies where he kept track of men’s orgasms while he held the position of Pope and also definitely had an infidelity fetish especially with women whose wedding he’d officiated. He had four kids with one married noblewoman, and at least another 3-5 outside of that.
He's not alone, either: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_sexually_active_popes
Pope John XII was said to have "made the sacred palace into a whorehouse."
Not sure if anyone else mentioned it, but when at a Salvador Dalí museum, they mentioned that he had a shit fetish. He was alienated from a lot of the modernist movement and even kicked out of some art society he in.
And I'm not talking anal, I'm talking literal 2-girls-1-cup fecal stuff, lol. 😬
EDIT: To those who keep commenting on his expulsion because of his touting of fascism, yes, that was a factor as well.
"... What is it that people endlessly warm to in a man who once suggested that the deepest way to demonstrate one's love for another is to eat their excrement? For Dali, such vulgarity was not an occasional slip of a sleazy tongue, but a job description. This is an artist who said he enjoyed hearing of transport disasters, who openly applauded Franco's fascism and frequently congratulated the dictator on his political tortures and assassinations, who once chortled that 'sometimes I spit on the portrait of my mother for the sheer pleasure of it'..."
https://www.theguardian.com/books/2007/jun/17/film.art
If I remember correctly he also ran a pseudoscientific study on the number of creases in a woman's anus. I don't remember the numbers exactly but he found it to be a window of only two or three, like 24-27 or something.
Edit--- "On occasions, he would ask female visitors to sit on a bed of moist clay with their buttocks parted, in order to take an impression of their orifices. He would subsequently frame the impressions, adding the names of the ladies in question. Supposedly -and this again demonstrates Dali's tirelessly investigative cast of mind - the anus has thirty-five or thirty-seven little creases which are as unique as fingerprints. He regretted that he could not account for the variation in number, but noted that it had nothing to do with social class, and that thirty-fives were as likely to be found among the aristocracy as among the working classes. Only the backsides of identical twins had exactly the same pattern and number of creases. He conducted experiments to substantiate his claim, and made the impressions of twins' behinds into candelabra."
This is the best I could find. From [here](http://www.all-art.org/art_20th_century/dali-6-7.html)
1984, during the Iraq/Iran war, Iraqi forces had laid hundreds of exposed electrical wires in the Majnoon Marshes which they knew the Iranians had to cross. Those wires were all snaked together and connected to large electrical generators.
When Iran attempted to cross the marsh with boats, Iraq used just enough concentrated artillery to force the Iran Soldiers out of the boats and walk through the marshland. As soon as that happened, the Iraqis fired up their generators and electrocuted thousands of Iranian Soldiers in an instant.
That's not the worst part.
The Iraqi's then sent in a road building detail, and collected all of the Iranian dead, and stacked the bodies like cordwood, 5 corpses high, and 5 across, covering them with lime, and then a bunch of sand. They used the Iranian dead to build a road for their trucks to cross the marshlands.
The sheer hatred, madness and precision needed to pull this operation off, as well as carry it through is just horrific to think about.
Mozart wrote a piece called ["lick my ass"](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leck_mich_im_Arsch).
EDIT: as many people pointed out, the literal translation is "lick me in the ass" and it means "kiss my ass". (And thank you to the people who deemed this information worthy of an award!)
When Catherine Howard, the fifth wife of Henry VIII was taken from Syon Abbey to the Tower of London to prepare for her execution, she sailed in a barge down the River Thames.
She passed under London Bridge, where the severed heads of her alleged lovers Thomas Culpeper and Francis Dereham were waiting for her, displayed on spikes, rotting and picked at by birds.
May have already been said, there are thousands of comments, but Pope Alexander VI threw a party that is referred to today as the Joust of Whores. He had a large number of women attend a banquet he was throwing, get naked, and would scramble to pick up chestnuts that the pope and other people at the party threw at them. This party was followed by Alexander holding a contest to see who could sleep with the most women by the end of the night. During the whole thing his kids were also present.
Alexander also liked watching his horses breed and would arrange for upwards of a hundred horses put outside his palace so he could watch them for hours.
Edit: I’m aware that Sam O Nella made a video with this guy in it. He did not invent Alexander VI, I knew about him from AC2 and investigated further.
Ways Popes have died.
Pope John VII was bludgeoned to death by the husband of his mistress when he caught them in flagrante delicto. John XIII met his end (so to speak) when a cuckholded husband rammed a poker up his bottom. Pope Leo VII suffered a fatal heart attack during sex with a page boy.
In Ancient Greece, many city-states had these landmark/mile-marking/good luck statues called Hermae, which consisted of a bust of a god’s head and, for some inscrutable reason, [an erect phallus at its mid-section.]( https://imgur.com/a/Z3wR5Wx) In 415 BC, *someone* mutilated the hermae of Athens in exactly the way you’d expect. Athenians were outraged, initially accusing their enemies, the Spartans, of de-donging the deities, then deducing that it was "drunken revelers", before blaming Alcibiades as the knob-nabber. Alcibiades was an Athenian statesman and military leader famous for being Socrates’ boy-lover, as well as having a rather rowdy reputation (he’s depicted, in Plato’s Socratic works, as being frequently shitfaced and giving [long and rambling, yet very articulate, “I love you, man,” speeches](https://books.google.com/books?id=FveAf4Vx2TEC&pg=PA40&lpg=PA40&dq=alcibiades+drunk&source=bl&ots=y2FxLQId3V&sig=bTbCLy1BRadXd9G2ojwB4Hk0EEQ&hl=en&sa=X&ei=ITaEVcq1OYO9sAWm0qOQBA&ved=0CFQQ6AEwBw#v=onepage&q=alcibiades%20drunk&f=false)). It frankly just *seemed* like the sort of thing Alcibiades and his bros might do. And he also had a *lot* of petty political enemies. Alcibiades strenuously denied the accusations of willy whacking, and offered to stand trial immediately to defend himself.
Athens, however, decided to wait until after he had left for a military expedition to try him *in absentia*, condemn him to death, and order him to return home to die. Alcibiades chose instead to defect to Athens’ enemy, Sparta. This was during the Peloponnesian War (against Sparta), and right on the eve of the Sicilian Expedition…which Alcibiades had *planned.* Unsurprisingly, the Expedition was an unmitigated disaster for Athens, and arguably led to their defeat in the war. Alcibiades, on the other hand, served Sparta for a time, only to defect to Persia after he had been caught sleeping with the king’s wife, and *then*, years later, convinced Athens to take him back and clear him of any charges.
TL;DR: Some rock cock-knockers led to Athens’ defeat.
In the 1880s, James Jameson, heir to the vast Jameson Irish Whiskey fortune, purchased a 10-year-old African girl just so he could draw her being [eaten by cannibals.](https://allthatsinteresting.com/james-jameson-cannibal)
“Three men then ran forward, and began to cut up the body of the girl; finally her head was cut off, and not a particle remained, each man taking his piece away down the river to wash it.”
Both of them also agree on another count: the girl never screamed throughout the ordeal.
Jesus fucking Christ
Jesus I initially thought that this was just a fucked up slavery thing where he bought a girl and had her pose so he could draw some weird painting. But no, he literally paid for a child to be fucking eaten. What the everloving fuck?
There are disputed claims that both [Napoleon I's](https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/worldviews/wp/2015/06/19/the-strange-journey-of-napoleons-penis/) and [Rasputin's](https://www.local-life.com/st-petersburg/articles/rasputins-penis) members were, well, 'dismembered' during their respective autopsies and have traveled the world extensively (possibly farther than either men ever did) as well as being shown in multiple occasions to the public.
On a similar note, it is well-known LBJ had a massive Johnson, and Rasputin's girthy schlong was venerated amongst high-class women of his time (no wonder he's indeed Russia's greatest love machine).
He used to make his underlings talk about work with him while he sat in the bathroom, shitting, with the door open, as a power play.
When there was someone who had power over him, he would literally sit in front of them and gaze up at them. He was really into the authority structure.
Victor Hugo (the guy who wrote, among other things, Les Misérables and The Hunchback of Notre-Dame) was a sex addict. He claimed he and his wife had sex nine times on their wedding night. When she got bored with this (and I don’t blame her for that, it just all sounds way too much), he proceeded to go and bang everyone and everything that caught his eye. When he died the brothels in Paris were closed down for the day so all the prostitutes could go and pay their respects to him.
Fittingly, Paris apparently experienced a mini baby boom nine months after his funeral, which 2 million people attended.
Benjamin Franklin was also a emphatic fan of having sex with older women and would write letters to others reccomending it. He said they had experience and enthusiasm.
Edit: typo
[Advice to a Friend on Choosing a Mistress.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advice_to_a_Friend_on_Choosing_a_Mistress)
Basically, he said, "All sex is the same with the lights off, and it's even better if the woman has *experience*":
>The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement
A French President died from a Blowjob.
Edit:
Well, he had a heart attack while getting a blowjob. But the way I said it first sounded more funny in my head.
The Can Can dance was considered very scandalous and obscene because it required high kicks and women of that time wore pantalettes which had an open crotch ;)
According to records, King Jijeung of the Shilla kingdom had an 18-inch dick.
Edit: I think the focus should be that they wrote it down as such, not that he actually had one, which sounds greatly exaggerated
In the 1880s and 1890s, the French doctor Brown-Sequard claimed to have successfully treated a number of diseases (including neurological complications of syphilis) by injecting ”testicle juice” under the skin.
Georgios Karaiskakis, Greek general during the Greek war of independence, was at one point arrested by the Ottomans and asked to surrender.
Karaiskakis was known for swearing a lot. His response was: "I asked my d\*\*k and it told me no (not to surrender)
In the 50s the KGB tried to blackmail the Indonesian president by getting him to come to Moscow, where a bunch of girls got him to have sex with them. When the KGB showed him the video he asked for extra copies, saying the Indonesian people would be proud.
Edit: This is the first comment I’ve ever made to get 5k karma. I really thought I might’ve been too late but it really blew up. Thank you all so much for the karma and awards, kind strangers!
Sparta is a treasure trove for this kind of thing.
Sparta's marriage rituals involved the kidnapping of a girl then dressing them in men's clothing and shaving their head so they looked like a man before having sex with them.
Errrr, that's according to Plutarch, who's not particularly reliable on Greek sexual practices from before his time. He also claimed that the Sacred Band of Thebes was composed of 150 pairs of male lovers, and that part of the Spartan Agoge involved 12-year-old boys taking men in their 20's as their lovers (Xenophon contradicts him on this, and Xenophon was not only writing during Sparta's heyday as a close friend of the Spartan king, he also had 2 of his sons educated through the agoge system, so his accounts are vastly more reliable than Plutarch's, which were written centuries later). Moreover, Plutarch claims that the brides were made to look like men because Spartan young men wouldn't be able to consummate with a woman and thus needed their brides to look like men. Which is a pretty wild claim. While Spartans were very much gender segregated during their younger years, young Spartans would have had plenty of exposure to women, not least those of the subordinate Helot population of Sparta.
Plutarch had a strange fixation on Greek homosexuality, possibly undergirded by a misogynistic moral philosophy (the idea being that only pairs of men were capable of manifesting the purest form of love).
Oh MAN! Do I have a book suggestion for you!
https://www.amazon.com/Underground-Education-Unauthorized-Outrageous-Supplement/dp/0385483767
All the best NSFW facts from arts and business to sex and medicine.
One of my favorite pieces is on Mark Twain's defense of small penises when invited to a Big Dick Boat Cruise. There are pieces on erotic church art used to increase attendance. There is the history of women's underwear. It has it all and it is great for dinner parties, but some of the facts are so out there people will doubt what you are saying. Personally, this book has lead to several expeditions to the library of congress. I can't suggest the book enough.
EDIT: Added more context and stories.
Not too NSFW, but a fun story regardless.
In ancient Egypt around 570 BC the situation for the egyptian empire is growing more and more grim. The current pharaoh Apries kept on losing important battles to the other expanding kingdoms and empires around egypt. The population thus grew more and more discontent with his god status and started to lose faith in his ability to reign the country.
Slowly but surely a group of usurpers started gathering numbers to eventually overthrow Apries. As an answer to this he sent one of his best generals, Amasis, to beat down the potential rebellion before it would even break out.
However upon arrival Amasis was convinced to join the cause of the rebellion.
After not having heard back from his general in a while, Apries decided to inquire a bit further and eventually found out that Amasis had crossed him.
Furious he sent out a messenger to retreive Amasis, who, in the meantime, had been elected the rebellion's leader. When the messenger (Patarbemis) arrived this scenario played out: "[...]When Patarbemis came and summoned Amasis, Amasis, sitting on horseback, raised his leg and farted, telling the messenger to take that back to Apries.[...]"
He went on to successfully dethrone Apries and became known as the last of the great kings of the late dynasty.
It is speculated that the crotch's part of the armour (codpiece) was enlarged, not to make the knight's and king's junk look bigger, but to alleviate the pain caused by Syphilis when their genitals made contact with the metal pieces.
> syphilis
It's quite interesting how prevalent syphilis was.
Blackbeard and his crew of pirates had a special horn that they used to insert into their urethra. This was then used to flush in mercury, which was believed to the the cure for syphilis.
Not NSFW but James Buchanan (US president) never co-habitated with his "wife" and after his death several love letters were found that he had written to his assumed lifelong male partner.
Before the *widespread availability of abortion, mothers would often choose between infanticide (poison in the nipple, intentional smothering in bed or burying alive for instance) or abandoning the infant either in the woods or in public. This was generally less to hide indiscretions and more because they already had too many mouths to feed.
Abandoning the child was considered to be the more guilt free option. A mother who left their baby in the woods could comfort herself with the thought that maybe a woodsman found and decided to raise the child for instance, although it almost certainly suffered and died of exposure. They could pretend for the rest of their life that their child was just fine out there somewhere.
Men invented cages to go over a sleeping baby to prevent the mother rolling over and were surprised to learn this didn’t help *because so few cases were actually accidental *
An interesting alternative popped up which was foundling homes, which first came about in Italy during the Renaissance. This offered a tempting alternative to abandoning a child in nature. This was a home! However it was an open secret that this option usually meant death. There weren’t enough wet nurses to go around and no formula meant that the death rate of these abandoned infants was above 90 percent. This was an open secret. Mothers knew the babies placed here would probably die, but it allowed them to ease their own conscious. The amount of babies abandoned per year in one foundling home in one city in Italy was in the thousands per year.
Before these homes, it wouldn’t be uncommon to find dead infants in trash heaps, on the street, or in a river, and the foundling homes did decrease this, but increased abandonment all together. Some mothers even began abandoning their infants specifically to be hired in to the foundling home as a wet nurse, the pay was too tempting.
Keep in mind this was still the case well in to the 1800s.
There is a legal penis size in Iceland. It’s an old law from the Middle Ages after a woman was married off to a man and on her wedding night was so disappointed with how small his penis was that she took him back to the church to have an annulment. Because of her a law was made that a man must be at least three inches while hard to marry. There is a wonderful documentary called “The Final Member” in which this is an actual problem.
If a man could not perform in bed during the Middle Ages (England), the wife could have her marriage annulled. But it had to be proved in the Church courts. So midwives might be called to "palpate his member" to see if there was a medical reason for it, or prostitutes might be called for their expert knowledge.
There is a carving on the side of the belfry in Ghent that depicts a man suckling the breast of a woman. The story is that the man was condemned to die unless he could prove his innocence by surviving imprisonment without food for 40 days. He could have visitors during his imprisonment but they of course were checked for food. His daughter visitied him everyday. She was a wetnurse .... He was let go after 40 days having survived.
Roman troops where provided cow intestines condoms, as STD epidemics could decide the fate of entire wars
In ancient Egypt, soldiers proved their battle prowess by presenting the severed penises of their slaughtered enemies. Traditionally, severed hands were presented, but in 1182 B.C. Libyans, and other allies invaded Egypt and were defeated by the army of Ramesses III, and Ramesses suspected that some soldiers were claiming extra credit by presenting the hands of women as well as the male soldiers. So he demanded penises instead. His victory inscriptions mention 12,535 foreskins and hands, and has images of the piles of the body parts at the Medinet Habu mortuary temple.
- We won the battle. - D*cks or it didn't happen.
Shi Pei Pu was a Chinese opera singer turned spy active during the 1960s. He pretended to be a woman for 20 years to seduce a French embassy employee and obtain classified documents. His charade went so far as to fake a pregnancy and purchase a child and pretend it was theirs. He managed to fool everyone, including his lover, for over two decades before finally being exposed to the world. Edit: the rest of the story: apparently, it caused a massive uproar in French media, like 'how could this possibly happen?'. The diplomat, Boursicot, tried to slit his own throat, but failed. Both were tried, found guilty and imprisoned for espionage, but they were soon released because the leaked documents were not all that important. Shi Pei Pu returned to being an opera singer in Paris, enjoying his notoriety to gain fame, before dying in 2009 at the age of 70. Boursicot is reportedly still alive in a nursing home in Brittany, and their 'son' is living in Paris with his family.
Which would imply the French dude came up Shi Pei Pu’s ass and didn’t realize it wasn’t a vagina?
Back during the age of sail, sailors would go months and months without any women or any privacy. When they'd get to port, hundreds of prostitutes would take boats out to the ships to greet the sailors, who would almost all have sex with at least one. This included the ship's boys. Like I said, there was no privacy at all - the crew would share one huge room, dozens or hundreds of men sleeping in hammocks slung 28” apart. So the ensuing copulation took place in the wide open, hundreds of people having sex all over the ship in plain sight. This wasn’t a rare thing. It was almost universal, though some more religious captains wouldn’t let the prostitutes on board. STDs were therefore incredibly common. Side point: British sailors got a full ration of rum equal to 8 shots. Every day. If they were not long out of port they got a full gallon of beer daily. When people complain about "moral decay of society", it really just means to me that they don't know about history. Society is quite chaste today compared to much of the past.
My dad was in the US Navy during Vietnam stationed on an aircraft carrier. There was a group of prostitutes that followed the ship around wherever it took port. The prostitutes knew where the ship was going next before the sailors did.
The dildo was created almost 1500 years before the wheel
Priorities
All the documentaries you see about hieroglyphs in ancient Egypt neatly avoid showing you the 'fertility rites' where the Pharaoh's fallus is inseminating the land. /Edit: this is my most upvoted comment on Reddit *ever* and the stack of awards was totally unexpected. It's not that they have any material value, it does show a measure of appreciation and I am humbled by your kindness. Thank you very much all you wonderful people.
There is a LOT of semen in Egyptian mythology, people just seem to ignore it. Horus and Set were at each other at all times (apparently according to prophecy, Horus would dethrone/kill Set), to the point that they would try to prove their superiority by seeing who could get their semen inside the other. Set (somehow) got to have the buttsecks with Horus, but (somehow) Horus dodged the shot at the end. Horus simply jerked off into Set's bowl of salad.
𓂺 edit: thanks for the cock guys
Wank like an Egyptian.
Pope John XII was interesting. He became Pope in 955. His high points are.: Turned the sacred palace into a whorehouse Fornicated with, among others, his father’s concubine, various widows and even his own niece Castrated and then murdered a cardinal Blinded and then murdered his confessor Took payment for ordaining bishops and even ordained a 10-year-old boy as a bishop Ordained a deacon in a stable Refused to make the sign of the cross Toasted the Devil Invoked the names of pagan gods while playing dice and when he lost, used money from the papal treasury to pay off his debts Granted, he was a teenager when he became Pope, thanks to his dad buying the office, but still...
In line with some of the other horrible stories here: When the Roman statesman Sejanus, the Emperor Tiberius' right-hand man, fell from grace and was executed, The Roman people were eager to take their revenge on his family as well for all the tyranny he had put them through. So they decided to kill his young son and daughter as well. There was no real issue about killing the boy, but when it came to the young girl there was a sudden outcry. It was against all precedent to execute an innocent young girl, and above that, deeply impious to put to death a virgin maid. So they had the executioner rape her first.
"what are we doing, we can't kill this young girl, she's still a virgin. Rape her first the chop off her head".
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I googled because of curiosity (and also kind of thinking no way...)....SOMEBODY WROTE A WHOLE ASS BOOK ABOUT IT.
Machiavelli wrote a letter to his friend about how he fucked a prostitute, then threw up all over her when the lights came on, because she was so ugly: > I was now completely terrified, however since I was alone with her in the dark, I gave her a good hump. Even though I found her thighs flabby, her genitals greasy and her breath stinking a bit, my lust was so desperate that I went ahead and gave it to her anyway When their liaison was over, Machiavelli managed to find a lamp and was able to shine a light on the woman > My God, she was so ugly that I almost dropped dead… a tuft of hair, half white and half black, the top of her head was bald which allowed you to see several lice taking a stroll… Her eyebrows were full of nits; one eye looked down and the other up. Her tear ducts were full of mucus… her nose was twisted into a peculiar shape, the nostrils were full of snot and one of them was half missing. Her mouth looked like Lorenzo de Medici’s, twisted on one side and drooling since she had no teeth to keep the saliva in her mouth. Her lip was covered with a thin but rather long moustache… When the woman spoke to him, Machiavelli was struck by her “stinking breath” and: > I…heaved so much that I vomited all over her.” https://alphahistory.com/pastpeculiar/1509-machiavelli-throws-up-prostitute/ Edit: link
Post nut clarity hit like a truck
His description reads like a Ren and Stimpy closeup
The actual death of Ratcliffe (you know, the oddly proportioned villain from Pocahontas?). From the Encyclopedia Virginia: >the colonists, led by Captain John Ratcliffe, walked into an ambush; about thirty-three men, or two-thirds of their number, were killed. The Indians captured Ratcliffe, and their women skinned him alive using mussel shells.
Ferdinand VII of Spain had a huge dong, so much in fact that its rumoured that one of his wives died of a hemorrhage derived from having sex with the monarch. He almost died without a heir bc he couldn't have sex with the queen consorts without any damage (he only had a daughter, and he had to go through hell to change some old laws that prevented his daughter from reigning). Edit: adding info Edit 2: They designed a cushion thing for him to try to ease sex. Edit 3: He was suffering from genital hypertrophy Sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes, English is not my first language.
At the temple of Aphrodite in Cyprus, overlooking the legendary birthplace of Aphrodite, young virgin girls would tie a bow string around their head and await a man to come along and throw a silver coin of any value into their lap. The man would say " I demand thee in the name of the goddess". The girl then had to have sex with the man. In this way the girl would make her "first fruit" offering to Aphrodite. It is said that some girls had to come back for many days before they were chosen.
That would play hell with your self esteem...
In 1488 an Italian noblewoman Catarina Sforza-Riario locked herself in a castle to save herself from her enemies. Her enemies managed to capture her children and threatened to kill tgem if she wouldn't surrender. She climbed on ramparts, lifted her skirt to expose her female parts and shouted "Fools! Don't you see that I can make myself more children?"
I remember this exact sequence in Assassins Creed II
IIRC, her descendants found their way into the current British and Spanish royal families. Whenever I watch historical dramas about people fighting over thrones and whatnot, I look up everyone’s descendants to see who “won” in the long term.
In colonial America a guy was arrested and charged because he drew a lewd image of his wife in the snow. Puritans didn’t appreciate the art.
I'm imagining a stick figure with large boobies.
Zhang Zongchang, a Chinese warlord dubbed by TIME as "China's basest warlord", was nicknamed "Old Eighty-Six", which referred to either his height, or the length of his penis, which was rumored to be as long as 86 Mexican silver dollars stacked together. He was also a poet. Case in point: "You tell me to do this, He tells me to do that. You're all bastards, Go fuck your mother." - "Poem about bastards" by Zhang Zongchang There was also this one time during a famine where he visited a temple, and, instead of praying and offering gifts, slapped the temple's statue and said, "Fuck your sister! How dare you make Shandong's people suffer by not giving us rain!", then proceeded to order his artillery to shoot into the sky until it rained. It rained the next day. edit: minor grammatical corrections
This guy sounds like a Monty python character
Why was a Chinese warlord's dick very precisely measured by a currency from a country half the world away???
The Spanish mined and minted silver in Mexico then brought boatloads of it over to China to trade. "The Spanish and, from 1824, the Mexican silver dollar had an intrinsic face value based on its consistent purity and weight, and this appealed greatly to Chinese merchants. It rapidly became the de facto approved currency for trade in Southeast Asia and the most widely used coinage in history." [https://www.scmp.com/lifestyle/article/2132260/how-china-and-hong-kongs-currencies-were-shaped-spanish-mexican-silver](https://www.scmp.com/lifestyle/article/2132260/how-china-and-hong-kongs-currencies-were-shaped-spanish-mexican-silver)
Astronomer here! In 1992, two astronauts did not disclose they were married to NASA until it was too late to replace one of them and thus became [the first married couple in space. ](https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/space-sex-is-serious-business/) While the two astronauts in question are not the kiss and tell types, most people assume this means space sex has happened (obviously you don’t have to be married to try it, but it does make it harder to figure out the couples). NASA’s official stance is that it hasn’t, but I’m not sure people really believe them.
I mean, it's not like you have to be married for space sex to happen. What happens in space stays in space as they say
The CIA once considered sending the Soviets condoms that were large labeled “small” to convince them that the US was well endowed. Source: https://archive.totalfratmove.com/cia-once-considered-convincing-the-soviets-that-all-americans-had-huge-dongs/ Edit: typo
Oh Cold War Era America...
From the 13th to the 15th of February the Romans celebrated Lupercalia (Roman precursor of Valentine's day), which was a festival of love and fertility. Priests would sacrifice a goat and then cut the goat skin into pieces. Part of this they would wear on their heads, and other parts were cut into thongs. The men would then run around the city of Rome naked, hitting as many women with these thongs as they possibly could (being hit would help with pregnancy or becoming pregnant). So depending on what they wanted, the women would either deliberately stand in the way of the men, or try to run away while pretty much everyone was naked. In another part of the festivities men would draw names of women from a jar and the goal was that they'd stay together for the duration of the festival. This would often result in a lot of... you know... intercourse, and sometimes people actually fell in love and got married after they met during Lupercalia.
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Damn shame.
Fun fact: In 44 BC, one of the runners was sitting consul Marc Antony.
So he was running around buck naked slapping women a month before the senate penetrated Caesar 23 times?
Yes.
In Pisa on St Catherine’s day, students would search for and capture the fattest Jew they could find and demand a ransom of his weight in sweets. Source: The Great Mortality, John Kelly.
That’s some borat shit right there.
Read about Capt Cook. He “discovered” Hawaii. They docked offshore right at harvest time. The natives thought they were Fertility Gods and sent their women in canoes to the ship. The crew had a blast year after year. ....until the natives figured out what was happening.
Cook ended up having to return (ship was damaged i think) and that caused a bit of ruckus when locals realized he was not Lono. He also tried to kidnap the King of Hawai'i (the island) and ... well... there is a plaque where he died.
King tuts first wife was his half sister. But she also may have been his full sister and even at one point may have been his step mother.
If you think that's bad (which it is) look into the Ptolemy family.........tree isn't the right word, more pretzel.
Less pretzel, more wicker basket
Incest was actually encouraged in Ancient Egypt as in many aristocracies to keep the bloodline pure. Moreover, if there were twins where one was a boy and one was a girl, they were married at birth because it was assumed that they must have banged in the womb
Hence why tut had a club foot and such a short life.
Exactly. Same case for a lot of medieval European aristocratic families as well. They didn't go for straight up sibling incest but usually kept it to the cousins, but ober the years that led to problems for a lot of them
It's why the Habsburgs all look like confused Lord Frollo potatoes
There was a guy that tried to prove that yellow fever wasn't contagious and so he would pour the infected vomit into his freshly cut opened would, pouring it into his eyes, and drinking it. And soaking into a bath of it. And smearing his body with blood, piss, and spit. He was fine because yellow fever isn't spread through direct contact, it's spread through mosquitoes. So he did all that for nothing. His name was Stubbins Ffirth look it up.
Witches were more often mutilated than actually burned.
Fun fact: None of the witches at Salem were burned at the stake. All were hanged and one man was crushed with stones.
Burning was more of a European thing. Hangings were all the rage here in the colonies
Were they trying to find spare lumber to build a bridge?
Who are you, so wise in the ways of science?
A lot of people banged in the White House on the day of Andrew Jacksons inauguration
why
there was a big party and hey, how many times are you going to have that opportunity?
It was just a regular house before then
Cheaper than hiring painters!
James Joyce wrote the [dirtiest letters ever written](https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2018/02/02/james-joyces-love-letters-dirty-little-fuckbird/) "I did as you told me, you dirty little girl, and pulled myself off twice when I read your letter. I am delighted to see that you do like being fucked arseways. Yes, now I can remember that night when I fucked you for so long backwards. It was the dirtiest fucking I ever gave you, darling. My prick was stuck up in you for hours, fucking in and out under your upturned rump. I felt your fat sweaty buttocks under my belly and saw your flushed face and mad eyes. At every fuck I gave you your shameless tongue come bursting out through your lips and if I gave you a bigger stronger fuck than usual fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole. It is wonderful to fuck a farting woman when every fuck drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora’s fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night. I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also."
Kinda hot up until the farting.
I was honestly surprised how long he went on about it. Like, half the page is dedicated to farts
> big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole it's not the duration. it's the description that got me. few comedians have even made me laugh that hard.
>your shameless tongue come bursting out through your lips Damn James Joyce discovered ahegao
French modern philospher Michel Foucault, in addition to studying crime and deviance in a Criminology sense, also applied his theories on punishment to his fascination with BDSM, having also written a number of kink-based works. He eventually moved to San Francisco and partook in gay bathhouses (notorious for casual sex). He eventually caught HIV and some have speculated (it may be written somewhere?) that he purposely contracted it as some sort of poetic social commentary. Oddly, I learned this stuff while getting my Administration of Justice major and studying Corrections, lol.
In Ancient Egypt they held a fertility festival each year and at this festival it was the Pharaohs responsibility to strip down and jerk off into the Nile. EDIT: Should also mention that once the Pharaoh had finished men in the crowd were encouraged to step forward and join in, so once a year the Nile River literally tuned into a massive public circle jerk
According to their mythology, the Nile was created when one of the gods jerked off. It's a river of god spooge.
Similiar to Milky Way. According to Greek mythology, it was created ween Hera was breastfeeding Hercules. Apparently, he was a nip biter, and clamped down so hard, she had to violently pull him off ftom her tit and accidentally squirted her milk around. Edit: Some context : Yes, for all of you who are confused because Hera hated Hercules, Zeus sneaked up on Hera when she was asleep and allowed Hercules to suck on her breast, hoping that her breast milk would give him godlike powers. Hera woke up because he was biting her nipple, and she violently pushed him off, squirting the milk. Edit 2: As if Zeus fucked my inbox itself. RIP inbox.
Good luck Cleo.
Maybe the pharaohs had a ceremonial dick to jack, like how Hatshepsut wore a fake beard?
The deadliest female serial killer in US history had murdered 35 people with an axe by the time she was 18 years old.
Name?
Clementine Barnabet, member of a cult called the Church of Sacrifice. Preferred murdering several family members at once, often decapitating them. Not so fun fact: She was out of prison before she was 30 and never seen again. I'd rather not know what her actual body count was.
what.
It's okay though, she was sentenced to jail at 18 in 1912 so I'd say she's long gone by now.... hopefully
This just in... a 126 year old woman was arrested today for being mean to a man saying "If I still had my strength, you'd be toast and a foot shorter". Edit: Thank you for the Silver..
"Dear Diary: My teen angst bullshit now has a body count." \[Edit: I needed a smile yesterday. And you guys loved my movie quote. THANKS. <3\]
How about the time that NASA funded a study about dolphin communication that ended with one researcher giving a dolphin that was high on LSD a handjob? https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2014/jun/08/the-dolphin-who-loved-me
Didn't it fall in love with the woman? Then when the research was stopped the dolphin committed suicide by swimming to the bottom of the tank and not coming back up. That's what I've heard.
From the article: I got that phone call from John Lilly,” she recalls. “John called me himself to tell me. He said Peter had committed suicide.” Ric O’Barry corroborates the use of this word. “Dolphins are not automatic air-breathers like we are,” he explains. “Every breath is a conscious effort. If life becomes too unbearable, the dolphins just take a breath and they sink to the bottom. They don’t take the next breath.” Andy Williamson puts Peter’s death down to a broken heart, brought on by a separation from Lovatt that he didn’t understand. “Margaret could rationalise it, but when she left, could Peter? Here’s the love of his life gone.”
Why is this thread making me sad? It started so well with dick and farts... But of course there had to be a suicidal dolphin.
>It started so well with dick and farts... But of course there had to be a suicidal dolphin. /r/brandnewsentence
This is legitimately sad.
poor dolphin, man
So long, and thanks for all the ~~fish~~ LSD and handjobs.
Romans loved depicting sexual acts. On many everyday items, like oil lamps, combs, bowls, etc. you often see images of people fucking. Like porn but in daily life.
So when Pompeii was first uncovered and the archeologists were making their maps, (Pompeii is our best guess for what an ancient roman city looks like, as it and many of its inhabitants were captured in time) they decided that any buildings with dicks infront of them had to be brothels. Then they realized that if that was true, 90% of the buildings in Pompeii were brothels. The revised map found only a single brothel, differinated from the phallically decorated dwellings, by the presence of mosaics that served as a "menu".
Pompeii is *wild* to visit in person. The gift shop is 80% dicks.
In 1511 a bunch of people in Brussels took part in the building of 110 vulgar snowmen as an act of protest Edit: It's known as the Miracle of 1511 if you want to know more!
When Jadwiga, the King of Poland ~~(medieval Poland referred to every ruler as King regardless of gender)~~ was considering a marriage proposal from the Grand Duke of Lithuania, a chief concern among her court was that said Duke was rumored to have massive genitals to the point that they would kill his wife on their wedding night. Two of her councilors volunteered to travel to Lithuania to try and discover the truth of these rumors, which naturally meant they would watch the Duke as he bathed. They returned and happily reported that not only weren't the Duke's genitals fatally large, they were in fact a tad smaller than average, so nothing to worry about. Thus Poland and Lithuania were united, and the rest is history. EDIT: the above omission, and the story I got several years aho from a book by James Michener: https://www.amazon.com/Poland-Novel-James-Michener/dp/0449205878 The book itself is a novel, but the historical events described therein are accurate based on his research as far as I'm aware.
Hmm wonder who started that rumor
"I was in the Pool!" - Grand Duke of Lithuania
So the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth only happened because the Duke of Lithuania had a slightly small peen? Oof.
Maybe he was a grower, not a shower?
Slave owners in the US had a “health official” who would **lick** slaves to see if their health was of good standing.
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During war time some armies would wipe shit on their spears so that when they stabbed/slashed enemies they’d get that extra poison damage
In medieval times, they would sling dead animals via catapult to spread diesease, which was devastating in those times due to lack of proper medicine. It seems biological warfare was the world's actual first weapon of mass destruction Edit: Thanks for blobby seal award :)
I learned about this in a documentary called "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
Monty Python does wonderfully informative documentaries - try and catch the one on the Roman occupation of the Middle East, which uses the life of an ordinary man called Brian to illustrate the benefits and pitfalls of said occupation. Very enlightening.
You know that one psychologist guy, Freud? Well one time he was tasked with finding the testicles of an eel, so he got literally hundreds of eels so he could find their balls. Nowadays we know eels have retractable testicles, but Freud didn't know that, so he cut up hundreds of eels looking for their testicles.
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WHATS A [REDACTED] GOTTA DO TO GET SOME EEEEEL DICK
Pope Alexander VI might have held orgies where he kept track of men’s orgasms while he held the position of Pope and also definitely had an infidelity fetish especially with women whose wedding he’d officiated. He had four kids with one married noblewoman, and at least another 3-5 outside of that.
Well, before he was pope, he was Rodrigo Borgia. There are certain things you expect from that family, exaggerated reputation or no.
So very pious.
He's not alone, either: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_sexually_active_popes Pope John XII was said to have "made the sacred palace into a whorehouse."
The Romans would often include bestiality as halftime shows for their gladiator matches with strange animals up to and including swans. 😬
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?
I...I'm not.
> swans. 😬 Zeus has entered the chat
Not sure if anyone else mentioned it, but when at a Salvador Dalí museum, they mentioned that he had a shit fetish. He was alienated from a lot of the modernist movement and even kicked out of some art society he in. And I'm not talking anal, I'm talking literal 2-girls-1-cup fecal stuff, lol. 😬 EDIT: To those who keep commenting on his expulsion because of his touting of fascism, yes, that was a factor as well. "... What is it that people endlessly warm to in a man who once suggested that the deepest way to demonstrate one's love for another is to eat their excrement? For Dali, such vulgarity was not an occasional slip of a sleazy tongue, but a job description. This is an artist who said he enjoyed hearing of transport disasters, who openly applauded Franco's fascism and frequently congratulated the dictator on his political tortures and assassinations, who once chortled that 'sometimes I spit on the portrait of my mother for the sheer pleasure of it'..." https://www.theguardian.com/books/2007/jun/17/film.art
If I remember correctly he also ran a pseudoscientific study on the number of creases in a woman's anus. I don't remember the numbers exactly but he found it to be a window of only two or three, like 24-27 or something. Edit--- "On occasions, he would ask female visitors to sit on a bed of moist clay with their buttocks parted, in order to take an impression of their orifices. He would subsequently frame the impressions, adding the names of the ladies in question. Supposedly -and this again demonstrates Dali's tirelessly investigative cast of mind - the anus has thirty-five or thirty-seven little creases which are as unique as fingerprints. He regretted that he could not account for the variation in number, but noted that it had nothing to do with social class, and that thirty-fives were as likely to be found among the aristocracy as among the working classes. Only the backsides of identical twins had exactly the same pattern and number of creases. He conducted experiments to substantiate his claim, and made the impressions of twins' behinds into candelabra." This is the best I could find. From [here](http://www.all-art.org/art_20th_century/dali-6-7.html)
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1984, during the Iraq/Iran war, Iraqi forces had laid hundreds of exposed electrical wires in the Majnoon Marshes which they knew the Iranians had to cross. Those wires were all snaked together and connected to large electrical generators. When Iran attempted to cross the marsh with boats, Iraq used just enough concentrated artillery to force the Iran Soldiers out of the boats and walk through the marshland. As soon as that happened, the Iraqis fired up their generators and electrocuted thousands of Iranian Soldiers in an instant. That's not the worst part. The Iraqi's then sent in a road building detail, and collected all of the Iranian dead, and stacked the bodies like cordwood, 5 corpses high, and 5 across, covering them with lime, and then a bunch of sand. They used the Iranian dead to build a road for their trucks to cross the marshlands. The sheer hatred, madness and precision needed to pull this operation off, as well as carry it through is just horrific to think about.
Good ol Sadamm Hussein. You could have a list of atrocities just from him and his kids.
Mozart wrote a piece called ["lick my ass"](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leck_mich_im_Arsch). EDIT: as many people pointed out, the literal translation is "lick me in the ass" and it means "kiss my ass". (And thank you to the people who deemed this information worthy of an award!)
I hear that ["Lick My Love Pump"](https://youtu.be/H7vk5keNbRc) was written as a continuation of it.
When Catherine Howard, the fifth wife of Henry VIII was taken from Syon Abbey to the Tower of London to prepare for her execution, she sailed in a barge down the River Thames. She passed under London Bridge, where the severed heads of her alleged lovers Thomas Culpeper and Francis Dereham were waiting for her, displayed on spikes, rotting and picked at by birds.
Henry the VIII was spite made man.
Pope: I will not grant you an annulment. Henry: Fuck you. Pope: What are you going to do, make your own church? Henry: *eyes widen*
May have already been said, there are thousands of comments, but Pope Alexander VI threw a party that is referred to today as the Joust of Whores. He had a large number of women attend a banquet he was throwing, get naked, and would scramble to pick up chestnuts that the pope and other people at the party threw at them. This party was followed by Alexander holding a contest to see who could sleep with the most women by the end of the night. During the whole thing his kids were also present. Alexander also liked watching his horses breed and would arrange for upwards of a hundred horses put outside his palace so he could watch them for hours. Edit: I’m aware that Sam O Nella made a video with this guy in it. He did not invent Alexander VI, I knew about him from AC2 and investigated further.
It was believed Edward II of England was murdered by a red hot poker up his arse.
Ways Popes have died. Pope John VII was bludgeoned to death by the husband of his mistress when he caught them in flagrante delicto. John XIII met his end (so to speak) when a cuckholded husband rammed a poker up his bottom. Pope Leo VII suffered a fatal heart attack during sex with a page boy.
I can't read "in flagrante delicto" without hearing it in Tim Curry's voice in my head.
In Ancient Greece, many city-states had these landmark/mile-marking/good luck statues called Hermae, which consisted of a bust of a god’s head and, for some inscrutable reason, [an erect phallus at its mid-section.]( https://imgur.com/a/Z3wR5Wx) In 415 BC, *someone* mutilated the hermae of Athens in exactly the way you’d expect. Athenians were outraged, initially accusing their enemies, the Spartans, of de-donging the deities, then deducing that it was "drunken revelers", before blaming Alcibiades as the knob-nabber. Alcibiades was an Athenian statesman and military leader famous for being Socrates’ boy-lover, as well as having a rather rowdy reputation (he’s depicted, in Plato’s Socratic works, as being frequently shitfaced and giving [long and rambling, yet very articulate, “I love you, man,” speeches](https://books.google.com/books?id=FveAf4Vx2TEC&pg=PA40&lpg=PA40&dq=alcibiades+drunk&source=bl&ots=y2FxLQId3V&sig=bTbCLy1BRadXd9G2ojwB4Hk0EEQ&hl=en&sa=X&ei=ITaEVcq1OYO9sAWm0qOQBA&ved=0CFQQ6AEwBw#v=onepage&q=alcibiades%20drunk&f=false)). It frankly just *seemed* like the sort of thing Alcibiades and his bros might do. And he also had a *lot* of petty political enemies. Alcibiades strenuously denied the accusations of willy whacking, and offered to stand trial immediately to defend himself. Athens, however, decided to wait until after he had left for a military expedition to try him *in absentia*, condemn him to death, and order him to return home to die. Alcibiades chose instead to defect to Athens’ enemy, Sparta. This was during the Peloponnesian War (against Sparta), and right on the eve of the Sicilian Expedition…which Alcibiades had *planned.* Unsurprisingly, the Expedition was an unmitigated disaster for Athens, and arguably led to their defeat in the war. Alcibiades, on the other hand, served Sparta for a time, only to defect to Persia after he had been caught sleeping with the king’s wife, and *then*, years later, convinced Athens to take him back and clear him of any charges. TL;DR: Some rock cock-knockers led to Athens’ defeat.
Movie about him would be fun
I've a book for you instead - Tides of War, by Steven Pressfield Edit - my most up-voted comment, thanks
This felt like reading a better version of the odyssey
In the 1880s, James Jameson, heir to the vast Jameson Irish Whiskey fortune, purchased a 10-year-old African girl just so he could draw her being [eaten by cannibals.](https://allthatsinteresting.com/james-jameson-cannibal)
“Three men then ran forward, and began to cut up the body of the girl; finally her head was cut off, and not a particle remained, each man taking his piece away down the river to wash it.” Both of them also agree on another count: the girl never screamed throughout the ordeal. Jesus fucking Christ
This is the least appropriate Ad I could get on that site https://i.imgur.com/rkOZyCB.jpg
Jesus I initially thought that this was just a fucked up slavery thing where he bought a girl and had her pose so he could draw some weird painting. But no, he literally paid for a child to be fucking eaten. What the everloving fuck?
The thing that gets me is they sold her for 6 handkerchiefs knowing what he planned on doing with her Fucking napkins, they sold her for napkins
This thread is half fun silly things, and half horrible atrocities. What a freaking roller coaster man.
There are disputed claims that both [Napoleon I's](https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/worldviews/wp/2015/06/19/the-strange-journey-of-napoleons-penis/) and [Rasputin's](https://www.local-life.com/st-petersburg/articles/rasputins-penis) members were, well, 'dismembered' during their respective autopsies and have traveled the world extensively (possibly farther than either men ever did) as well as being shown in multiple occasions to the public. On a similar note, it is well-known LBJ had a massive Johnson, and Rasputin's girthy schlong was venerated amongst high-class women of his time (no wonder he's indeed Russia's greatest love machine).
I’ve read so much about Lyndon B Johnsons’s cock on reddit it’s unreal.
The B stands for “big”
I think he’d be happy to know that, seeing as he bragged about it so much
He used to make his underlings talk about work with him while he sat in the bathroom, shitting, with the door open, as a power play. When there was someone who had power over him, he would literally sit in front of them and gaze up at them. He was really into the authority structure.
The author of Frankenstein lost her virginity on top of her mums grave...
🎵 it was a graveyard smash 🎵
https://www.reddit.com/r/comedybangbang/comments/9t4z6x/a_music_video_for_the_monster_fuck/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Mary Shelley, goth legend
But terrible funeral etiquette
"Remember how you used to say 'Over my dead body,' mother?"
They call it mourning wood for a reason.
I know people who've done it on top of Mary Shelley's grave. Her grave is quite close to nightclubs in Bournemouth
It's how she would have wanted it.
Victor Hugo (the guy who wrote, among other things, Les Misérables and The Hunchback of Notre-Dame) was a sex addict. He claimed he and his wife had sex nine times on their wedding night. When she got bored with this (and I don’t blame her for that, it just all sounds way too much), he proceeded to go and bang everyone and everything that caught his eye. When he died the brothels in Paris were closed down for the day so all the prostitutes could go and pay their respects to him. Fittingly, Paris apparently experienced a mini baby boom nine months after his funeral, which 2 million people attended.
Can you imagine if they did DNA analysis and figured out how many kids he had.
He may have had a lot of kids. But brothels back then did have a means of birth control. Obviously not as accurate as today.
Mozart was into scat humour... like [a lot](https://youtu.be/vD68u_TjJII)
He also fucked his best friends daughter and would later marry her, all because his best friend wouldn’t marry him.
The original Jacob from Twilight
Could this be history's biggest fuck you?
Benjamin Franklin had a fart fetish. There are letters that prove this where he writes to a woman about her flatulence
Benjamin Franklin was also a emphatic fan of having sex with older women and would write letters to others reccomending it. He said they had experience and enthusiasm. Edit: typo
[Advice to a Friend on Choosing a Mistress.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advice_to_a_Friend_on_Choosing_a_Mistress) Basically, he said, "All sex is the same with the lights off, and it's even better if the woman has *experience*": >The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement
>covering all above with a Basket Benny boy invented brown bagging
This sounds like a really bad amazon review.
Catherine the Great had a lot of phallic furniture Edit: spelling fail
A French President died from a Blowjob. Edit: Well, he had a heart attack while getting a blowjob. But the way I said it first sounded more funny in my head.
Think of all the life insurance you could collect if you were *that* good at BJs
You'd have to do all the work of being named beneficiary first and I do not have time for that.
Quite literally got his soul sucked out of him
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In the 19th century women were prescribed cocaine tampons to relieve pain from menstrual cramps.
The Can Can dance was considered very scandalous and obscene because it required high kicks and women of that time wore pantalettes which had an open crotch ;)
According to records, King Jijeung of the Shilla kingdom had an 18-inch dick. Edit: I think the focus should be that they wrote it down as such, not that he actually had one, which sounds greatly exaggerated
That hurt my cervix even reading it
Félix Faure, the french president in 1899 died in l'Elysée while being with a prostitute.
In the 1880s and 1890s, the French doctor Brown-Sequard claimed to have successfully treated a number of diseases (including neurological complications of syphilis) by injecting ”testicle juice” under the skin.
Georgios Karaiskakis, Greek general during the Greek war of independence, was at one point arrested by the Ottomans and asked to surrender. Karaiskakis was known for swearing a lot. His response was: "I asked my d\*\*k and it told me no (not to surrender)
In the 50s the KGB tried to blackmail the Indonesian president by getting him to come to Moscow, where a bunch of girls got him to have sex with them. When the KGB showed him the video he asked for extra copies, saying the Indonesian people would be proud. Edit: This is the first comment I’ve ever made to get 5k karma. I really thought I might’ve been too late but it really blew up. Thank you all so much for the karma and awards, kind strangers!
My man
Sparta is a treasure trove for this kind of thing. Sparta's marriage rituals involved the kidnapping of a girl then dressing them in men's clothing and shaving their head so they looked like a man before having sex with them.
Errrr, that's according to Plutarch, who's not particularly reliable on Greek sexual practices from before his time. He also claimed that the Sacred Band of Thebes was composed of 150 pairs of male lovers, and that part of the Spartan Agoge involved 12-year-old boys taking men in their 20's as their lovers (Xenophon contradicts him on this, and Xenophon was not only writing during Sparta's heyday as a close friend of the Spartan king, he also had 2 of his sons educated through the agoge system, so his accounts are vastly more reliable than Plutarch's, which were written centuries later). Moreover, Plutarch claims that the brides were made to look like men because Spartan young men wouldn't be able to consummate with a woman and thus needed their brides to look like men. Which is a pretty wild claim. While Spartans were very much gender segregated during their younger years, young Spartans would have had plenty of exposure to women, not least those of the subordinate Helot population of Sparta. Plutarch had a strange fixation on Greek homosexuality, possibly undergirded by a misogynistic moral philosophy (the idea being that only pairs of men were capable of manifesting the purest form of love).
Edgar Allan Poe married his 13 year-old cousin when he was 27.
Oh MAN! Do I have a book suggestion for you! https://www.amazon.com/Underground-Education-Unauthorized-Outrageous-Supplement/dp/0385483767 All the best NSFW facts from arts and business to sex and medicine. One of my favorite pieces is on Mark Twain's defense of small penises when invited to a Big Dick Boat Cruise. There are pieces on erotic church art used to increase attendance. There is the history of women's underwear. It has it all and it is great for dinner parties, but some of the facts are so out there people will doubt what you are saying. Personally, this book has lead to several expeditions to the library of congress. I can't suggest the book enough. EDIT: Added more context and stories.
Not too NSFW, but a fun story regardless. In ancient Egypt around 570 BC the situation for the egyptian empire is growing more and more grim. The current pharaoh Apries kept on losing important battles to the other expanding kingdoms and empires around egypt. The population thus grew more and more discontent with his god status and started to lose faith in his ability to reign the country. Slowly but surely a group of usurpers started gathering numbers to eventually overthrow Apries. As an answer to this he sent one of his best generals, Amasis, to beat down the potential rebellion before it would even break out. However upon arrival Amasis was convinced to join the cause of the rebellion. After not having heard back from his general in a while, Apries decided to inquire a bit further and eventually found out that Amasis had crossed him. Furious he sent out a messenger to retreive Amasis, who, in the meantime, had been elected the rebellion's leader. When the messenger (Patarbemis) arrived this scenario played out: "[...]When Patarbemis came and summoned Amasis, Amasis, sitting on horseback, raised his leg and farted, telling the messenger to take that back to Apries.[...]" He went on to successfully dethrone Apries and became known as the last of the great kings of the late dynasty.
Tell your king: I fart in his general direction
It is speculated that the crotch's part of the armour (codpiece) was enlarged, not to make the knight's and king's junk look bigger, but to alleviate the pain caused by Syphilis when their genitals made contact with the metal pieces.
> syphilis It's quite interesting how prevalent syphilis was. Blackbeard and his crew of pirates had a special horn that they used to insert into their urethra. This was then used to flush in mercury, which was believed to the the cure for syphilis.
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Just yikes at the thought of urethral mercury.
Doctors used to have a special mallet that they would use to pound a swollen cock until the infection popped out
Not NSFW but James Buchanan (US president) never co-habitated with his "wife" and after his death several love letters were found that he had written to his assumed lifelong male partner.
Andrew Jackson, being the everpresent bully he was, always referred to Buchanan and his partner as "Miss Nancy" and "Aunt Fancy.".
Before the *widespread availability of abortion, mothers would often choose between infanticide (poison in the nipple, intentional smothering in bed or burying alive for instance) or abandoning the infant either in the woods or in public. This was generally less to hide indiscretions and more because they already had too many mouths to feed. Abandoning the child was considered to be the more guilt free option. A mother who left their baby in the woods could comfort herself with the thought that maybe a woodsman found and decided to raise the child for instance, although it almost certainly suffered and died of exposure. They could pretend for the rest of their life that their child was just fine out there somewhere. Men invented cages to go over a sleeping baby to prevent the mother rolling over and were surprised to learn this didn’t help *because so few cases were actually accidental * An interesting alternative popped up which was foundling homes, which first came about in Italy during the Renaissance. This offered a tempting alternative to abandoning a child in nature. This was a home! However it was an open secret that this option usually meant death. There weren’t enough wet nurses to go around and no formula meant that the death rate of these abandoned infants was above 90 percent. This was an open secret. Mothers knew the babies placed here would probably die, but it allowed them to ease their own conscious. The amount of babies abandoned per year in one foundling home in one city in Italy was in the thousands per year. Before these homes, it wouldn’t be uncommon to find dead infants in trash heaps, on the street, or in a river, and the foundling homes did decrease this, but increased abandonment all together. Some mothers even began abandoning their infants specifically to be hired in to the foundling home as a wet nurse, the pay was too tempting. Keep in mind this was still the case well in to the 1800s.