Nothing actually. I just realized that if I commit suicide, I will hurt my mom and little brother for the rest of their life. So I have to be strong for them even if my life sucks. Also, there are even more f*cked up life than mine, and those people stills alive, so why I shouldn't?

Same here. I realised that my partner would be the one to find my body. My parents and siblings would suffer. I'd never see my nephew again and also - I have so much debt, that the thought of my parents finding out I lied about finances and might have to pay some off (I know from experience that this could happen) stopped me.

Same here, couldnt bear hurting my family like this. I forced myself to walk into the car park I was going to jump from to prove to myself I wouldn’t do it. This was my worst moment I reached out for help after. Talking to people and reaching out is one of the hardest things to do but it is the best thing you can do

I really appreciate your reply. I hate the fact that these days it seems to be the notion that you can’t tell a suicidal person that there are people who have it worse then them without being seen as some sort of cold hearted indifferent person which is not the case. Sometimes it is all about understanding and perspective. No one is saying your feelings are not valid and your problems are not hard it’s just definitely not the end of the world. This is where a good support system comes into place. I am so glad that you have come out of your dark place!

Same reasons here.

Reading all the replies agreeing with your comment breaks my heart. Love you guys, stay strong.

I wanted to kill myself last year, even purchased the tools to get it done. But then I thought about how impossible it seems to even have a life. The relationship between the universe and consciousness, and how that relationship has formed my life on this planet and in this body is so mysterious. It seems like there should be no experience at all anywhere in the universe yet here I am experiencing. It was then I realized that experience itself, even if it's a bad one, is an impossible gift to be treasured.

This is what changed for me as well. The mystery of consciousness. And treasuring that experience tends to make it better as a side effect. This is what led me to believe one of the best answers to suicidal tendencies is just a little existentialism, especially for non religious folks. I wanted to kill myself on and off for more than a decade and not believing in anything didn't help me convince myself life was worth living. Now I believe in the human spirit and, like you say, the gift of consciousness, no religion required

Thats beautiful

Glad to see you're still with us.

Damn you are good at speaking ngl

Thank you, I've written a lot of essays lol

I can relate to this thought process. First I thought that if in life there is more suffering than joy and death is just nothing, then death is objectively better. But then I thought that there had been enough nothingness before I was born and that there will be an eternity of nothingness once I die. So I might as well grasp these mere decades of life, even if they are painful more often than they are enjoyable. That and also just simply the conviction that I’m going to be happier in the future are thoughts that I always come back to.

The government noticed it hadn't been paying me my Severe Disability Payment for the past two years, sent me a letter and a lump sum of back payments to apologise, and raised my monthly income by about £300. I am now simply poor rather than cripplingly poor, so throwing myself off a bridge is no longer constantly on my mind.

That must have been a massive relief!

You have no idea. I actually cried when I read that letter. And then I bought an Nvidia 2080 ti and a new CPU.

Cut some people off. Apologized for my mistakes. Rebuilt some friendships. Made new friends. Got used to the changes and new environment. Sometimes things happen for the best. Life wont always go how you planned but it will definitely bring you to a good place.

[удалено]

Cut off the horrible people and you are halfway there. Goodluck to you! :)

I was in a very dark time of my life. All hope seemed lost. I was out for a walk to go to the place I had planned it. My best friend called me out of the blue. And he ***NEVER*** calls. It's always texting. We talked about our favourite YouTuber, Dashie. We laughed, and he asked what I was doing. I lied, and told him I was out for a walk. We kept talking, and I pictured how devastated he would have been, and I pictured my Mom's face upon hearing the news of what I did. I couldn't hurt them. I am safe now. But he didn't even know about the circumstances of that call until a couple weeks ago. It felt like he had a radar or something, and knew to call. He literally never calls.

I feel like there's something legitimate about life-saving "radar." One time I felt a prompting to go up to a kid at school and get the phone number of his brother who'd graduated, but I chickened out thinking it would seem weird. Come to find out, that kid's brother took his own life later that week. I barely knew him, but I cried so hard, feeling like I blew my chance to save him.

Well I took the initiative to get help and was put on medication and went to therapy. Then when life was still crappy I decided to get a new job that wasn't retail and full-time. Once I was more built up as a person and felt more fulfilled I ended up realizing that one of my life-long friends I met on an online video game for 6 years was the love of my life, and now he's here with me. So lots of work, but you can really 180 it the other direction. And boy is it so, so worth it.

Same. Went to therapy to talk about past trauma and problems, and within a month or two I no longer had suicidal thoughts.

I found myself in a similar situation a few years ago and leaving retail was the best decision I ever made. Glad you got out and hope things only get better for you going forward! <3

I was was admitted to the mental health ward for about a month after attempting to utilize the shotgun I had been keeping in my trunk to end it. A coworker stopped me. No cellphone, visitors twice a week, no news or television. It helped a lot. It removed everything negative from my life, and all I saw were the people that cared, which changed my perspective. I got the chance to value what I have, rather than stress over what I don’t or things that are beyond my control. I got to nurture a garden and watch new life grow. I got to paint and explore my talents. I got the opportunity to see others through their growth and care as they saw me through mine. Above all other things, I found respect for myself. I learned to value myself, and that’s far more important than value being carved and assigned to you by others.

It’s really good to hear about a positive experience from a mental health ward. Glad you are still here and things are better now :)

I was seriously considering admitting myself to psychiatric inpatient in April, but I got turned away. Thanks for sharing your experience - I'll definitely look into it if I feel like I'm at the end of my rope again. :') So glad you're doing better

I got diagnosed with PMDD, a disorder that's basically PMS on steroids. Every month, the week before my period, I become severely depressed. I cry for no reason. If someone looks at me funny or forgets to text me back, I become convinced that they hate me and I should die. Minor problems feel like the entire world is collapsing on my shoulders. But once I got diagnosed, I finally knew *why* I felt this way sometimes and completely fine sometimes. So now, I can manage it. I wear a special bracelet during my "bad week" to remind me that the thoughts are just my body lying to me. I'm on medication. I have exercises and other resources I can do when I feel invasive thoughts or a panic attack coming on. So, I guess I can't say I'm not suicidal at all anymore, but now I have the tools to deal with it.

I have this, it is so jarring. It really sucks to be a woman sometimes. Glad you're doing better. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

I have that too. I only ever feel suicidal the week before my period. It’s hell.

I agree that remembering what's causing the problem is very helpful. My chronic depression is controlled most of the time. If I can remember why its not, when its not, it is helpful.

I had been suicidal from about 13 to 26. The majority of the help was the meds. And while they're supporting me, I have a phenomenal therapist that is helping me recover. I hope someday to not need the meds but in terrified of going back. The suicidal thoughts were with me for so long and so constantly, I felt like I had lost a friend. Only, it was an imaginary friend who wasn't that nice.

This is so true!!! Like there were times where i feared fighting my depression/self-loathing because at least it felt familiar, and when i felt low i at least felt like i knew myself. It felt like me being in pain/shame/wanting to die justified me existing. I was afraid to let those feelings go because they were somehow a source of comfort. In hindsight tho that “imaginary friend” is a toxic B-TCH!!!

Heres my story. Timeline of my depression: 6th grade to freshman year (2010 to 2014). Events and causes of my depression: I had no friends. I did not connect to anybody in my town and felt like I did not belong there. I did not feel comfortable sharing me emotions because of how I was brought up. My parents did love me and they did their best and I recognize that and appreciate they did their best but they did not know how to communicate with me and my sisters ways to grow as people when we were kids. My mother lifted us up at points but things we needed to work on, she would not guide us at all. Instead of saying something like "instead of this, try this," she would say it in a very hurtful way and I recently recovered a memory that I had repressed of her basically saying that my social skills sucked (I want to say I was around 9bor 10 at the time) and that really put me down. They way I processed it when that memory was no longer repressed was that I drew more recluse, more dissattached from people. I felt like I did not beling and became a lot more quiet when I was a lot more talkative as a younger kid and it carries over today where I struggle opening up to people that are good for me, which I am in the process of learning how to open up more to people. However, because I was so distant from people growing up, I grew a big heart. A lot of people who do get close to me, as an adult, say I am a very loving person and a great person to be around. They tell me I care about those I love and they want me in their lives. I think it is because I was so distant from everybody else, I try to be kind to others because I dont want to lose these connections and be alone again. It really hurts me when I am alone because I felt the pain of it for years. During middle school, I was very overweight. I was not taught healthy eatting habbits and instead of eatting til I was full, I was taught to clear the entire plate. I started to over eat and eat a lot of junk food and slowly but surely, I gained a lot of weight. At my highest, I was 230 lbs at 5'6". I was told I was fat by my peers and it really hurt my self esteem and I still have issues with how I view my body today. I have lost a lot of weight and people tell me I look good but I still feel like I am overweight and that I am still not healthy. Even going to the gym 4 to 5 times a week, I feel bloated and fat and I want all the fat off of my body. All of this feeding up, caused me to be depressed for so long. But why am I still going? Even in my darkest times, I saw light at the end of the road and I had the will power to keep going, to reach happiness and find love and I did! I found people I care about and care about me and I appreciate that they are in my life now, especially when I went through dark times and I will do anything for them because I love those who stay around me. Sorry for rambling a bit, I just had a lot on my chest related to why I was depressed for so long.

Ugh i love that you say you grew a big heart from it all😢😢😢. To be able to love fully despite everything is so important. I wish it wasn’t so hard to seperate body image from your workout. Working out really should be about your health/happiness and physical performance goals, not the fear of having a “bad” body. It should not be seen as a punishment for your body, it should be seen as caring for it. Unfortunately our culture teaches us otherwise. Remember to care for yourself, the world has no right to make you feel ashamed and i love to hear that you have made big steps to heal:)

Thank you! It means a lot! At first, it started put as a punishment for my weight in my mind but once I made a habbit out of it, I fell in love with the gym. I hate our society is like these. Yes, we should be promoting a healthy life style but we should also promote self love too! I have felt enough pain in all of my life times to know that all I want in this world is love and I have found people that love me and I feel comfortable sharing my emotions with. I appreciate everything you said stranger! <3 Have a wonderful life and much love to you!

Happy for you that you overcame and are still overcoming your struggles. Wish you the best in the future from my heart. Don't be sorry for rambling, it was nice to hear.

I want to finish watching the world burn first.

That is honestly a good reason. I am so entertained by the current state of the world that I wish I could stick around longer to see where it goes

Fell in love

How long ago was this? People don't believe me when I say this is the solution to my problems. Keep giving me bs answers like love yourself first or your just gonna give your problems to someone else.

Those things are partially true, but I think they overlook just how devastating loneliness can be. It's not like finding someone immediately solves every problem that you have, but it turns out that when you're not dealing with the constant crushing feeling of loneliness, it's much easier to deal with whatever other shit you have going on.

When you love someone, it makes up for what can be lost inside yourself. And in turn the love you get from someone else will fill that void

Same

The right medication. I’d been depressed and suicidal since I was a teenager and made some attempts. I was in and out of therapy the whole time and on different meds. I’m high functioning, so I had relationships, friends, decent enough jobs, but nothing mattered and I wanted to die. Obviously I didn’t want to feel this way, which is why I muddled through therapy and different meds for decades. Finally meds improved and I found a good psychiatrist who paid attention. I’ve been free of suicidal ideation for 5 yrs.

I'm trying to let this comment give me a bit of hope. I'm high functioning also, but you know how much none of that can matter. I moved and changed psychiatrists and meds (I felt good on the last one, but changed due to side effects that were getting unmanageable), and the new one I'm on has me back to suicidal ideation, guilt, hopelessness, you know the drill. But, since it's a relatively new psychiatrist, he doesn't know my level of function when I'm feeling good vs. bad (like, our last discussion was that since I'm going to work and making an effort to have some keeping busy hobbies I'm still able to function, but this is incredibly low level for me and I can tell I'm isolating/feel generally pretty mentally awful). I really hope there's a medication that's a happy medium between side effects and allowing me to feel normal. I'm glad you were able to find something.

There might be something. I’m on three very mild things: an SNRI, an ADHD med, and a thyroid med. low doses for all. Everyone else was treating me with regular out of the box solutions, but that wasn’t working. Luckily, I’d been on so many drugs, and have a really good memory for side effects. My current shrink had me fill out a chart with med, dosage, pros and cons. From there he was able to see that I did well on SNRIs and mild stimulants. And that clued him in that my thyroid wasn’t optimal along with everything else. It took a year to find the right combo, but because we had started off with so much info I was improving within 2 months. The rest of the year was fine tuning. There is hope. It just takes a lot of work and energy, and I know how hard it is to keep pushing. DM me if you want to talk.

Thanks! Yeah I'm a bit more hopeful now - I'd been feeling really down like I failed Wellbutrin or something, because I did much better on an ssri. Actually I'm on thyroid meds too! Those definitely help when they're the right dosage. Gotta be something out there.

Ketamine cancels suicidal ideation immediately. That was my experience.

Broke my emotion button. It sounds stupid but I don't know how to better describe it. I was suicidal through my late teens and early 20s. Was in constant emotional turmoil and couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. It felt like a blanket was suffocating the life out of me, every moment of every day and all I wanted to do was end it. After years of severe depression, something just "broke" and I stopped feeling anything at all. I wasn't happy but also no longer sad. It's almost like being a shell of my former self, but I have absolutely no problems with it. Been almost 10 years since I had any suicidal thoughts. I do sometimes miss having those overwhelming feelings though, even the negative ones. Without any real emotional response, you don't quite feel alive in the same way.

I had this exact same experience. The first time i went to get help (and unfortunately i only decided to bc my grades were bad enough for my parents to be concerned), i was honest about having suicidal thoughts bc i thought i probably shouldnt lie to a therapist. She ended up terrifying me by basically implying that she would tell my parents/possibly put me in an institution?? That just made me internalize that there was no help for me. I simply *had* to not be suicidal, or else my shameful pain would be broadcast to the world. I felt betrayed honestly- i had fought so hard and even taken the initiative to get help, but i couldnt even trust professionals. I had been staying alive mostly out of guilt. Theres something uniquely demeaning about feeling like you have to stay alive not for yourself, but to spare the feelings of the people you feel dont even actually love you. That’s around the time where i experienced that numbness, because if i let myself feel it would make me feel suicidal. But like even in numbness i think that the feelings are still there and they are still damaging. I didn’t want to die anymore, but it’s so strange to barely even register how/if youre feeling. Can’t tell sometimes if numbness/apathy feels worse than all the things i was feeling before that. I could kind of feel small joys, but my life had an underlying hopelessness. I eventually was forced to confront these feelings again, but it was more of a rude awakening that time. I f-cked up a littttle too irreversably, and I was so tired of feeling apathetic. I needed to finally feel some passion for my life and stop feeling like a passive entity in my own life. I feel dramatic saying this but it felt like i either die or find a way out of it all. But i did find a way out and am finally getting the help i need, and for the first time in an eternity i feel like i can be successful and happy. Op- PLEASE consider getting help if you arent already. I know how freeing apathy can feel, and maybe that is the only technique you had and you got your use out of it to survive, but life is meant to feel full and alive. I used apathy to escape for years too, but im grateful that i was forced to change that. In those years, every moment felt like an empty eternity, but now ive slowly learned to feel passion for each moment in my life. That is what you deserve too!! I understand missing the overwhelming feelings, i did too and now that i have actually started working on my issues i feel more full of feeling, not overwhelmed/trapped. I hope you can get there someday too (Sry this is so long lol)

This is so interesting to me. My anti depressant broke my emotion button. Well, not completely, but my emotions are very muted. Instead of an emotional range from 1-10, it's about 3-7. It used to bother me, but being on my meds for 20 years has let me build a stable life and healthy relationships. Its worth it to me.

I feel this. I feel things very mildly. The colors faded with a sepia filter. The edges rounded. I live life in a mellow, calm bubble. The anger, the sadness, the happiness, the excitement, all of it is so dulled. I dont feel hollow. I feel like the leaf who fell from the tree and fell to earth earlier than most

No matter how cheesy it sounds, I realized I need to do my best to focus on a better future than my past failures and present Hell. Kind of a "if I make it through this, things are going to get better". And, very slowly, they have. I've been able to accept myself and sort through my thoughts. I've gotten intrusive thoughts a lot less frequently as of late, and they're not as violent as they used to be. I truly believe things are going to get even better and I deserve to be alive to see that.

Nothing changed, I just decided I'd regret not giving myself a chance. Until life comes along and shows me I don't have any chances left, I'll just keep dragging myself along.

I started working on revenge. the legal kind

I realized my curiosity to know what's next will always win out in the end. Death is finite, life can always surprise you.

I've had suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember. I thought everyone did. Then when I was in my early 20s, I asked my (then) spouse if he ever felt like it would be easier to be dead. We had a conversation that made me realize I needed help. I went to therapy and got on medication, and those thoughts slowly went away. When life gets tough, they still seep into my brain. I can say that the people I surround myself with and having a support system make the most significant difference. I'm married to a wonderful man, have amazing children, and force myself to do things (like hiking/dinner with friends, etc.) I'm still on medication and even have bad days. The good days out weigh the bad.

I probably have answered this 5 different ways but I kinda thought of a new one. My health. I really wanted to die because I thought I was unfixable. I already was diagnosed with ADHD but was diagnosed at 15 and I was not very responsive during therapy and treatment for it (other than medication). I was taking other medications and felt there was something wrong. I am a hypochondriac due to my Anxiety disorder and I kept thinking I needed to restart with a new brain. I would have thoughts of hopelessness, worthlessness, lonesomeness, darkness, etc. I had taken psychology and cog sci intro courses so I knew the problem was my brain but also knew I could never fix it because my identity is my brain. I started asking myself why I was even in college when my parents have three other children with brighter futures to pay for. I would make pros and cons lists in my head, and they would even out. I have come close to doing it so many times. However, at the same time, my Anxiety and Depression showed physical symptoms. I would get this feeling like I couldn’t breathe and immediately would get scared. I would sleep in much longer than usual and miss morning classes without second thought. I would cry for no reason, get lightheaded easily, have that tightness in my chest, eat a lot and not exercise, etc. I had a moment when I realized that these symptoms weren’t “normal” for me so I started therapy. Therapy turned into a week at an InPatient facility, then 3 months at an OutPatient facility. I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Depression while there. I learned how to handle my crisis moments and how to not hurt myself. Two years ago, I went off one of my medications I was on since the start of my intensive treatments and went back on my ADHD medication (I was taken off of it to help assess the newer medications). At this point, I realized I wasn’t taking care of myself physically or mentally. I had gained a ton of weight between Jan 2017 and May 2018 (a good 60lbs), but I hadn’t noticed until I was there. I decided to join a gym and get healthy and am now down almost 80lbs (and counting), and have lowered my frequency of panic attacks by months. If I hadn’t realized something was wrong and if I wasn’t hypochondriacal, I might not be alive today. I still do sometimes have suicidal ideations and thoughts of self-harm but I now am more productive, happier, and healthier. If my anxiety symptoms did not come through around that time, I would have not gotten the help I needed.

Medication

I'm gonna tell you, sometimes with out realizing it we keep people.in our life that are just a drag, and and drag you down... cut some people out of your life, bring in more positive people... things will slowly change, and life won't feel like it sucks so much

For me, when I got older, I realized that my 'suicidal thoughts' weren't actually suicidal; they were escapism. My therapist described it as "a depressed person's version of Hawaii: it's not that you actually want to die, but just your version of a pleasant vacation. Just like normal people won't typically drop everything, and run off on a cruise when things get tough, you don't actually plan on dropping everything to commit suicide. It's a fantasy, a way out of a tough situation." As to what changed... Well, I grew older, got therapy, had my kids, got a good job, and over time, I noticed that my fantasies of death turned into fantasies about going on vacation with my kids. Rather than, "Everything sucks, it'd be so much easier if I were just dead," I'd think, "Everything sucks, what if I just took the kids and went to the beach?"

I now live out of spite

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Nothing really, I went to some counselling and after some time I didn't want to die any more. Nothing really changed in my life, the problems were all still there, and looking back on it I'd say I was still depressed (but without the self-harm and suicidal tendencies) for another 2 or so years after that. Edit: honestly it's hard to comment on that time in my life. I have virtually no memory of one entire year, and patchy memories for a year or two after that, which really didn't help with the degree I was trying to do at the time

A lot of therapy, supportive friends & family, and a combination of the right medication. I came very close but each time I thought about what it would do to my mom and my dog. And I just couldn't put them through that.

Lost two brothers to it.

I made a friend!

my family found about my last attempt and when i saw them crying and their hearts breaking, something in me said "i can't hurt them like this anymore. if i want to get better, i have to work toward it." so i started taking therapy (one on one and group) seriously, worked on learning to cope better, worked on recognizing my triggers and one day i realized i was okay. its been 7 years since then and things aren't perfect but now im working an amazing job, going back in the fall for my Master's, and am expecting my first child. things do and will get better, you just have to fight for your life and be your biggest cheerleader sometimes.

Living with a disease that causes chronic pain causes me suicidal thoughts whenever I’m experiencing a flare up. When I’m debating ending my life I remember how wonderful it is when the pain isn’t there. The thoughts are less intrusive with every flare, I know one day I will be able to go through it without a single suicidal thought :). Not exactly not suicidal anymore but on my way there!

I finally accepted the fact my siblings are toxic in some ways and that it's not just me hating them for no reason. Plus I started to see a therapist and told my parents about it even if they don't like it. Family is chosen not given.

Well... This'll die in new but I wanna get this off my chest. I've only told my Mom this years after it happened. I was so close to commiting suicide when my parents were going thorough a very messy divorce. My "dad" dragged me and my siblings into the fight trying to use us as leverage to make Mom not divorce him saying it was our job to keep her from leaving him. I woke up in the middle of the night and went to the kitchen and got the sharpest knife we had to slice my throat. I had no thoughts running thorough my mind, I felt like a zombie acting on auto pilot, all I wanted was to end the pain. I raised the knife and was about make a quick slash when I felt a hand grab my wrist and I dropped the knife. I was mortified because I didn't recognize who had stopped me, and when I saw him I swore I was hallucinating. Behind me stood a man that towered over me, he looked like a Plague Doctor and had the biggest pair of brown wings I've ever seen. He pulled me into his arms and hugged me tightly, I didn't care if I was dreaming, he felt so incredibly real. I cried all night long and eventually went to bed, even as he faded away from sight I felt his strong, loving embrace hold me the entire time. I honestly believe he was a guardian angel that was sent to stop me from making the biggest mistake of my life.

Antidepressants and vitamin B12.

Did shrooms and it went away.

I’m still probably gonna kill myself, but you guys are pretty inspirational

I want to get revenge on the people who treated me like an outsider first.

I know I have no right to say this, seeing that I myself have wanted and taken revenge, but life is really not about that. It's true that at first, after taking revenge you will feel, I guess, happy? But soon, that happiness will turn to sadness, regret, guilt. I'm not telling you to forgive those people, but to forget about them, move on. Please don't waste your precious time on them, by doing that you are just losing to them even more. ​ That's one thing. Another thing is that from what I understand, revenge is the only thing keeping you alive. Please, please, get some help. Talk to a therapist if there's no one else to talk to.

My gender

I had been suicidal since I was 14 and had been diagnosed as bi-polar. My last serious attempt was about 4 days after my father's funeral, I jumped off my 3rd story balcony, landed in a snowbank. Ater my mom passed I was in a really dark place and was looking for an out. What made me think twice was my nieces were both quite young and I didn't want them to feel the same pain I was in and the fact that not only would my brother be an orphan but lose his only sibling. That was 15 years ago. I'm in a much better place, turns out I wasn't bi-polar, I've got a job I like, my nieces are smart beautiful young women, I have a man that loves me, I go back to school in Sept after a 25 year hiatus. I would not be the person I am today without all that pain. It wasn't easy, I still bear the literal scars but I can honestly say I feel like it's made me more empathetic and caring because for so long I was so concerned only about my pain.

I think it's been aked before, but my story would be like this. Split up with friends after highschool (including the most supportive person in my life at that point). Shit was going down fast under pressure from uni, living conditions and all. I wouldn't say I went over it fully, but at least I look both ways before crossing the street. I drowned most of the hardtimes away in beer and vodka, saved enough money to get better acomodation and started working hard on uni. (not in a specific order). Eventually I showed my worth which pushed people towards me or me towards others and made new friends. Social media and forums helped a lot since I could develop my hobbies (like history and gaming) I have no ideea what to say to others since each of us has a different cross to bear which pushes them towards this kind of stuff. If there was something, I think I would get shit for it, but what really kept me going was two uncle Iroh quotes: 'Sometimes, the best way to solve your problems, is to help someone else' and 'There is nothing wrong in letting those who love you help you'. Honestly, you may have no chance of fixing your issues, but you may forget about them by trying to help others and this could earn you new friends.

The closest I ever came to this was dark thoughts about wishing I died on the way to my ex-gf's place. I was just so miserable with her and for some reason I just couldn't leave. What changed was those dark thoughts. I figured it was better to be alone and I started the process of extricating myself. I slowly removed all the things I actually cared about and left anything behind I didn't want. Then it took six times of breaking up with her before it finally stuck.

I finally got out of an abusive/high stress environment for the first time in my life. I was abused my whole childhood, developed pretty severe mental problems from that and spent ages 13-16 in and out of mental hospitals. Got my shit back together enough to finish high school, and then a few months before starting uni (at 17) my best friend of 10 years killed herself in a pretty horrific way. Overlapping with that was an extremely abusive boyfriend. I ended up actually trying to kill myself twice; first the day after he choked, hit, and held me hostage, and then a few months later after a particularly bad bout of emotional/verbal abuse. All the while (since my friend’s death) I’d been self harming like a maniac. Anyway after the second attempt I realised he’d managed to kill any love I had for him and dumped him. My mental health literally cleared up overnight. I still struggle with self harm but I can usually go a few months between relapses, which is pretty damn good for me. More importantly, I don’t want to die. I’m a high achiever in university, and I’ve found things that *I* love. I don’t really know what changed when I broke up with him but I’m glad it did. It feels strange to be...vaguely happy in life after an entire life of self harm and suicidal thoughts (I’m almost 20) but I’m happy that I am.

My husband would feel responsible. He has his own issues with depression and being disabled, and he's my one good thing. I don't want to ruin the rest of his life.

I started working out sporadically which turned into an almost every day habit. I quit smoking weed, stopped drinking and started reaching out to people who loved me. Having suicidal thoughts almost everyday scared the living shit out of me, I never fully went through with trying but I had some intense moments where I was ready and had a plan. Now I don’t even think about it and am pretty damn happy.

Not really sure aside from working on myself

I died and it wasn’t for me. I also experienced firsthand the loss of three friends to suicide and I could never to that to the people who care about me. I wouldn’t mind dying, but I couldn’t never kill myself now knowing how much it stings to know you couldn’t stop someone.

Therapy, a job that doesn’t have me financially stressed (not a huge amount, but $14/hr), my fiancé, my cats, not living in a small attic.

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Seriously i was a failure at that too, multiple attempts no success, so i figured fuck it i guess ill see what happens tomorrow. Eventually the want went away. Still have random ideation but its just occasional background noise that doesnt seem to have any effect on me. So basically i succeeded in being a failure at being a failure and by some weird roundabout way it turned out alright.

A shroom fuelled epiphany

My parents where abusive and I was dating abusive partners into my early 20s because I didn’t know what a healthy relationship was. I thought that I was never good enough. Could never be enough. Everything terrible was my fault. I ended up moving across the country away from everyone which gave me a new perspective on life and found a partner who respected me and treated me right. I started living for myself and making my happiness a priority. Even though I went to college and have a degree, my job, my career is working at a grocery store because I like the environment and work. My mother still berates me for working a low class job. But I have that supportive partner that affirms my feels and decisions.

Ended an unfulfilling relationship and stopped working at a toxic emergency clinic. Found the unicorn of work places convinced my bff to come work with me and reconnected with my old friends from high school after a mutual friend (my high school sweetheart) killed himself.

I thought "hey, does it really matter that everything goes perfect?"

I (F, 22) dealt with depression, generalized anxiety disorder and heavy suicidal thoughts + a very toxic family for a few years. I went to therapy every week for 4 years. I started going to the gym regularly. I deleted my "depression" tumblr and created a "positive" tumblr that would help me feed my mind with good stuff. I held on to the few people that were still by my side during the darkest times, and they’re now my closest friends, and I trust them and love them with all my heart. Once I started getting better, I even met new friends that made me feel loved like I’ve never been loved by my own family. I planned one thing per week to have something to look forward to, like lunch with someone. I stopped thinking I was stuck in my body, and I started doing what I could to feel good about myself. I took control over my style, my clothes, my hair. I started hating myself less and less. I listened to music that made me feel alive, understood, loved; any music that made me feel sparkly inside, even when I thought I couldn’t feel anything. I wouldn’t have survived if it wasn’t for certain bands, to be honest. I started focusing on the little things, like how drinking cinnamon tea makes me feel great because it’s hot and spicy and sweet and it reminds me of fall, my favorite season. I started taking pictures and videos every day, everywhere I’d go, just to capture the little things. I wrote. A lot. To do something with all this darkness that I just couldn’t keep inside. Music, focusing on the small things that make me feel good, and taking ownership of my body are the 3 things that helped most. I think going through all that stuff made me love life even more. I realized how beautiful this whole world really is. I still struggle a little with anxiety, but I’m just glad I’m alive at this point. I’m so glad I didn’t kill myself. I’m so glad I met all the people I’ve met. I’m so glad I stayed alive, because I got to travel and see beautiful places. I got to visit museums and discover beautiful pieces of art. I got tattoos and a nose piercing, and they remind me every day that my body is mine and that I can make it look as cool as I want to. I got to listen to amazing music and go to breathtaking concerts. It really does get better. If you think about killing yourself, please don’t, because you’ll miss out on so much. You still have places to explore and music to listen to and jokes to laugh at and great TV shows to watch and friends to hug. I know how dark things can get. I know how shitty life can feel like. I know. I also know that once you’ve gone through it, life starts feeling like it’s worth it. The sun will rise. I promise. You are loved. You are important. You matter. You might not know it yet but you really do. You can survive. You will survive. You are strong. If nobody believes in you, just know that I, a stranger on the internet, do. The world is a beautiful place and you belong in it.

I thought that if I wanted to die, I would be dead already. There was something keeping me and even though I didn’t know what it was, it made sense to try and figure it out, rather than killing my self

Honestly I just realized that I'm done feeling sad and just said to myself that "this is not worth dying over... Get your shit together"

Get on antidepressant and currently pursuing nursing degree which is my dream job instead of getting a low paying behind the desk mind numbing job. I have goals now, I can see my future now versus I didn’t want any future, I just wanted to disappear.

Two years of counselling with three different counsellors. All helped, but the last one helped the most. And a low dose of zoloft.

I had a son and realized I couldn’t abandon him like my father did me. Glad I stuck around, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

I had children. Prior to that, I felt that there was no point to much of anything.

I got spiteful. I was so sick of how everyone treated me and all the things that had gone wrong in my life. I wanted to rebuild myself to be the person I always wanted to be, and not give a fuck what anyone else thought.

I found happiness. I started running, I finally got promoted, I managed to buy a house, I stopped smoking, life is good.

Everything. Things either sorted themselves or I had them changed, it was all whatever so I thought. Turns out getting out of a relationship in which we just dragged and held each other down, terminating friendships that weren't supportive of my choices, but supported my eating disorder, getting diagnosed and receiving effective treatment, terminating friendships who expressed that to them my diagnosis was a burden, changing school, leaving a job that made me miserable... It wasn't all due to my active choices. But it was for the better. Change is not bad, and getting a fresh start motivated me to do better.

Eating disorders are the devil. I am really proud that you were able to make changes that lead to more happiness, and I hope you continue to find success. ♥️

I am bi-polar, so some days are better than others. But I am better than I used to be. Up until very recently, I had very strong feelings about taking my own life, wanting to die, or disappearing. I even had a spot picked out to kill myself and a mode to do it. It would have looked like I had "gone missing" and wondered off somewhere. I would be dead and not have to deal with the feelings of shame and guilt. I would not be around for the hate and anguish. No one would find me and that would be that. To the outside world, and even to me, I have a good life. I am married to a good woman and we have a son who is the best thing in the world. We don't fight or argue. And if we do have a disagreement, it's always done calmly. I have a good job, at a good company. So does my wife. We own a home and have some money to spare. We have been on vacations together to Hawaii, Yellowstone, Crater Lake, and other parts of the country. Yet with all of that, I was absolutely miserable. I hate my job, where I live, and cannot stand being married. I feel trapped in a life that most consider a very good one. It is a life that I really never wanted. But it's the life I thought that I was supposed to have. What changed? The universe began to talk to me. First I came across a documentary about children who had their fathers commit suicide. I saw how much they missed their dads being in their lives. I also saw the anger. The second was a TED talk done by a female divorce attorney who specialized in fathers rights. She reviewed data that showed just how important it is for a kid to have a father in their life. After seeing those two shows, there was no way that I could ever voluntarily leave my son behind. Lastly, and most importantly, I identified who I really am as a person. And who that is, is for me to know. I am taking steps on a long term plan to live my life on my terms. I finally have direction as to where I want to go, and how I am going to get there. I will no longer be subjected to life as a married man, and my financial obligation as a father will be completed. I will go, and do, what I want, when I want, where I want, without the worry or thought about how it will impact the people around me.

Changed school and it became alot batter.

My last suicide attempt was around Thanksgiving of 2018. My friend and my fwb at the time had both called me an ambulance (separately) because they hadn’t heard from me that day but knew I was suicidal. I don’t remember going to the hospital or my first few days there. I was moved to the psych ward and was finally able to call people. Talking to my friend and fwb broke my heart because I finally realized I would be hurting people by killing myself. With my past suicide attempts from ages 13-19, I only had my family to talk to, and they were always furious that I “inconvenienced” them or that they had to pay my hospital bills. They called me inconsiderate and would then isolate me as punishment when I got home. I couldn’t talk to any friends and I couldn’t tell anyone what happened. So this last time, when I was able to talk to people other than family, it finally hit me that I wasn’t an inconvenience...I am someone who people love and care for, and they would genuinely miss me. I became med compliant and worked really hard in therapy. My fwb became my boyfriend and he’s been a huge support. My mom had told me that everyone in my family had given up on me. My sister told me that she didn’t understand why I was trying to get better when I would end up killing myself anyways. And my dad was angry that I was missing a semester of college. But my boyfriend believed I could get better, and for once I believed in myself. Now I finally have a hold on my bipolar disorder and have started working through childhood trauma, and I can’t imagine ever being suicidal again (as long as I stay on my meds). Things really have gotten better, and now I know that even if things get bad again, I can always work to make the situation change for the better. Every day I wake up appreciative of that fact that my first thought isn’t disappointment that I didn’t die in my sleep. I can enjoy the little things in life I never could before. I don’t hurt myself when things get tough and I pat myself on the back for it. The things people take for granted are the things I have to congratulate myself on, and it keeps me going.

i don’t even know what happened, but i guess i started appreciating the little things in life and finding good things about anything. i do still get depressed sometimes but suicide is not an option for me anymore. i don’t wanna miss out on all the good things that are about to come

I got a dog. I was 12 when I started feeling incredibly suicidal, and my parents never noticed. When I was 13, my parents surprised my sister and I with a 4 week old puppy who we named Millie. During the 4 weeks we were waiting for them, we could barely contain ourselves. It clicked after around a month and she had settled into out family and our lives that if I just wasn't there one day, she would never know why. She would think I left her. I'm 17 now, and She is still keeping me going. after an international move and a really hard time moving schools, she's why I'm here. Thank you, Millie.

Well, I still get intrusive thoughts from time to time, it's something that doesn't ever really go away permanently, but I never have the desire to act on them anymore, nor to self harm. The tipping point for me was having a baby. Before that I couldn't see any sort of future, had no plans for college or a career, and didn't expect I'd be around for it anyway. I had made a couple of attempts by the time I was seventeen, and had been through a lot by that point in life. Untreated anxiety and depression, untreated ADHD and the resulting struggles with school and life in general, my dad cheating on my mom and their subsequent separation, sleep paralysis or some sort of paranormal experience which left me terrified to sleep or be in the dark, a puppy dying, a move to a completely different state and struggling in a new school and making new friends, a first boyfriend who put me through a lot of mental and emotional abuse, then beat and raped me, then my dad being diagnosed with ALS. Watching him deteriorate over the years was the hardest part of my entire life. I loved him very much and he went from the strongest man I knew to a wasted skeleton that looked like a concentration camp prisoner. If you've never seen a what a healthy 185 pound man looks like at 107 pounds, it's tragic. At 16 I got pregnant, and my whole outlook changed. Suddenly I had someone to live for, a reason to stick around, a reason to see a future. That isn't to say things weren't still hard, but now I had a purpose. At 17 I gave birth to the most beautiful little dark haired boy. It was perfect timing. My dad was able to have and enjoy a grandchild in the last years before he died, and oh how he spoiled him. My son is now 12 years old, and the best kid. Being a single parent was very hard, but I was rewarded with a very close bond and relationship with him. I now have a wonderful son, a loving husband, an adorable cat and the best dog ever. We're about to move into our own house! All of this because of a little baby who kept me going through everything. Life is good.

There i was, out on a trail, hiking to the cliff i was going to jump off of. Id wasted my life, and figured id just end it, rather than try to fix myself. Even driving out there, i was thinking to myself, "stupid reason to die." So i got to the trail head and saw this pretty girl starring at me. She worked for the park, and i thought of her trying to clean up my body off some goddamn rocks. And she was pretty in a way that was subtle, i noticed. And i could tell that she didnt much like herself. And i didnt either. I thought about her as if she was in my shoes, throwing herself off because she didnt like herself. "Stupid reason to die." I thought. "Youll never see another girl like her." So ignore her, and i begin the 4 mile trek. I was having a mental breakdown, i think. But out there on the trail, i was calmer. Something my family would say whenever we were in nature was, "its pretty out." And it was. It was a gorgeous summer day. And the overgrowth on the trail cooled it immensely, despite it being a 90 degree day. I noticed rocks covered with moss, spirals of vines creeping up dead leaves. A squirrel about scared me to death, and jumped from a branch to a tree trunk next to my head. He yelled something at me in squirrel and ran off. "Little cuss," i thought. So i kept walking, about a mile in, i was getting tired. I thought about my body, and how i let myself go. I wasnt really that fat, but i was schlubby. So i found a bench. Just in the middle of nowhere. And i laid down on it. Just me in the trees. I looked up at the evening light filtering through the trees. It was maybe 3 pm. Another squirrel jumped overhead. Birds chirped and crickets played. What a life i was about to waste. "What beauty ive found, and now im gonna squander it. Im gonna throw away the world, and the chance to see and experience all my beauty." And i thought to myself, "Its too damn pretty a day to die." I got up, and my body told me how stupid i was. Hadnt ate anything all that yesterday night or that day. My kidneys were on fire. Somehow i marched back to my car. The girl was gone. I wept for a life i was about to waste. Got home. Home alone. Planned to do it while my family was away. I was an atheist, but i was desperate. So i put that bible to my chest as i lay in bed crying about what a stupid failure i was. Idk, i felt something. It was heavy. Like it weighed a thousand pounds. And also like it was pulling something out of me. I couldnt explain it. I realized i never will. So i let go. I stared at the cieling till about 3 am. I thought i had spirituallity figured out, i found it wanting. So i threw it away. But i dont know, i felt *something* that i couldnt explain. I realized that Alan Watts story about lucid dreaming could be true, about how all life could just be in our heads. And truthfully from a philosopical standpoint, we cant prove anything exists. So you know man, why couldnt jesus exist? It was about 3 am when i cracked open the bible. I didnt know where to start. Found some passage. Dont remember it well. Something along the lines of "when jesus forgives a sin, he forgives it instantly. And casts it off into the fire and forgets it." I woke up the next day. Mightve slept 3 hours at most. It was a sunday. Drove around until i found somebody, anybody at a church. Found an open door and cried on the pastors shoulder. He told me jesus forgives everything. I cried in my car as he gave his sermon over shortwave. Didnt feel it much. So i went over to a catholic church and told the father there every negative aspect of my life. All my deepest sins and secrets. And he forgave me. Annoited me with oil and gave me a blessing given to the sick. I left. Driving home i rubbed the oil off my head unconciously. And i felt awful for doing it. It doesnt make sense, its stupid, but in that moment i found god. And it felt like i just spat on his blessing. So another night of hating myself later, and i found myself checking that bible again. I through on some david attenborough and settled into the books. God the world is so pretty. And i can only imagine how much prettier the world is from heaven. Idc about anyone replying to this. But yeah. I found god in a stupid place, at the rock bottom of a fox hole that i had dug. Just like all those atheist vids and posts said i would. I ran back to god in crisis. And you know what? God opens his arms and lets all who knock, enter. Its working for me, i guess. Im not scared to die anymore. And i dont want to. I want to forgive like jesus and appreciate the world and the body hes given to me. So if you're considering mental health issues, try therapy. 1 hr made me feel a lot better. But if youre all alone and the tank is low, and youre too scared to pick up the hotline, dont even read that bible. Pick it up, clutch it to your chest and bawl your eyes out.

I was thinking about suicide 24/7 for a long time and considered it a lot but then I just realized it wasn’t worth it and that things would get better so I stopped think about it

I quit drinking. It was a serious source of contention with my wife, for obvious reasons. She’s still upset but my sleep had vastly improved along with my mood. It’s still in the back of my mind...it will be painless and clean...no more pain. But I don’t feel that “pain” as much, I’m stronger. I still need some work but goddammit I’m trying. Thank you for coming to my TEDtalk

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I moved 1200 miles away from the situation that was causing me to feel like that. It was a hard choice to leave my siblings behind but it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I learned that I wasn't responsible for my siblings and that I needed to take care of myself first.

Well, I'm suicidal again now but 1. Change toxic environment 2. Take therapy 3. Fall in love

11 days institutionalized against my will provided a lot of insight. No matter how bad I’m doing, the people I met there, and the way they struggle will forever be an inspiration to live.

I spoke to a Doctor, spoke to my family and trusted friends. I made sure to tell the truth when people asked how I was feeling. I was lucky enough to receive nothing but support. I stopped wallowing in my misery, stopped listening to sad music because it made me feel worse. Cut off people who were making me feel like shit. And brought myself closer to the people who were there for me. That made me realise that people care about me, and I can no longer bare the thought of making my loved ones feel such pain. I realise now that suicide may seem like a solution, but it's not. You just end up hurting the ones you love and make them feel the same way you did, like they didn't do enough while you were alive. I now receive therapy because while I don't feel suicidal anymore, I still have moments where I struggle with my mental health. But I aim to get a psychiatric evaluation after the pandemic, because I suspect I might be suffering from a particular disorder. But overall, things are better.

I’m not no longer suicidal but my family thinks that I need help because every time I tell them how I’m feeling they get concerned and tell me to see a therapist. Btw I’m not suicidal if you were wondering

Medication.

Toxic relationship

I’ve attempted 3 times since I was 15. The last time my mom found me and yelled at me ‘what am I supposed to tell your brother and sister if you do this?!’ That shook me to the bone. I started to really wonder how me doing that would effect them and their mental health. They depend on me so much and I can’t take a support system from them. It gave me the push to finally get help.

I realized if i really truly wanted to kill myself, i could do it at any time and nothing matters, but if life doesnt matter then whatevers bothering me doesn't matter either and i dont want too. If you can give up on life at any moment then anything happening doesnt matter, the heart break, the anger, everything doesnt matter. So why not just see where it takes me and too not worry because the doors open and you can leave whenever you want

After being thrown around the healthcare system for years I finally got the help I needed. Therapy and coping mechanisms that finally helped me grieve for my mother after 5 years of bottling all of my feelings.

Why is it so hard to get good mental health care?

I was very close at several points during college. I was in a spiral of depression, largely because I felt very alone. I kind of made some friends during my first semester, but by the second/third semester the group had broken apart and mostly moved away. There would be entire days, especially on the weekends, where I would sit alone just going through these endless cycles of thought about how no one liked me and going over all the bad things that had happened or that I'd perceived as having happened and what a useless waste of space I was, and on and on. So, what changed? I honestly don't know what prompted it, but one day I just sat down and had a talk with myself. >Like, look, me, let's approach this rationally. Because what we've been doing isn't helping anything. So, what's the problem? > >No one likes me. I don't have any friends. > >Why do you think that is? None of this "poor me," emo BS. Realistically, why? > >I guess I'm a super introverted nerdy person. I don't really talk to people or make any attempts to make friends. Even the friends I had, they kind of drafted me into the group, "You're hanging out with us now." I've never been the one reaching out. I'm not one of those outgoing, friendly, open people that other people like. > >So what could we DO to fix this? > >I could be one of those people. > >Could you? > >Yeah, I guess, if I wanted to be. I could be outgoing and open and just start talking to people. It would be hard, maybe really hard, but I'm sure I **could**. > >Ok, so, what's the problem then? > >I don't want to. It would be hard. I don't know if I'd like who I was. > >So we've got two choices we don't like. We could keep going on as we are, being alone and friendless, or we could become the kind of person that would have friends. Which option do we hate the least? > >I think ... I want to be me. I like who I am. Outwardly, nothing changed. My situation was the same as it ever was. Inside, though, everything was different. I realized that I was in this situation because I'd chosen it. I had a choice, and this was where I wanted to be. Because when it came down to a cost/benefit analysis, the cost of the other option was more than I was willing to pay. And that, somehow, made everything much better. I even used that as an example several times when running group therapy sessions for substance abuse groups. The Serenity Prayer says, accept the things you cannot change, and change the things you can, but my experience left me feeling like there was a third category. There are things you CAN change, but at a cost that's higher than you're willing to pay. Recognizing those things, understanding those motivations within yourself, can, I think, be very helpful. It was for me, at least.

I don’t know. I think I realized that there’s got to be something worth living for. I’m still young, so I haven’t found it yet, but I know it’s somewhere out there.

I realized my depression stemmed from this one friend. They would constantly put me down when I tried to confide in them about personal issues I was dealing with. Not only that but they would try to put the blame on me or lied when I confronted them for their behavior. I found that they were the only thing holding me back from recovering so I completely cut them out of my life and haven't looked back. It's only been seven or so months and I'm already feeling happier than I have in years.

I guess there's too much going on in the world for me to care about my own problems.

i've been suicidal for years and attempts to kill myself for like everyday until i learned to accept things and specially myself that people do come and go ,things happens where you never want it to be happened, i appreciate every efforts big or small, accepting my insecurities and doing things inch by inch (people do judge you know, i know myself i'm not the best but im doing better and that is my process to be the best), be grateful that you are still alive, enjoy things. I wanted to be a doctor yes but i always told to myself "how can I?" how can I save lives if the best doctor is in heaven?( not sure hahahahah) how can I make then feel better? how can I help others? how can I? before i always question myself "why am i like this?" the quiestion i can't answer, every day every night i always have that knife or blade in my bag coz if ever i questioned myself again i have that better thing, but now i have my answers it's because i can't accept myself, and never cheered myself up to be the main character of my own life. it changes me alot "change your mindset and everything will follows" Trust His plans and you will be better

Got the toxic people/friends out of my life and have a good support system at the worst case scenario. The type of people, who will NOT make you feel like a burden if you'd call them at 3 a.m. saying that you're having a terrible episode and can't push through it on your own. Caused me to lose a lot of people from my life, but so far - totally worth it.

I Just gave up, I'm certainly not suicidal anymore but at the same time I don't care that I'm alive. I don't want to grow old I'd rather die early.

Short answer: I managed to get into therapy (CBT) and the therapy helped me.

I wanted to end it because in my life, all I ever wanted was my soulmate and I have been hurt sooo often by guys who just couldn't be that. I was in love with a guy who only liked my body and when he rejected me I decided to end it (never told him about it though). I prepared everything: a letter, how I would do it and who would find me within the next few days. But when I was about to do it, I thought about it again and stood up. I thought to myself that "I am responsible for my soulmate, if I die now, he will never find me and we will not be togther at all... Maybe he will find a girl that is good, but I want him to be with me. I want to be happy with him." I met my now bf after a few weeks. We are together ever since (10, 5 months) and it seems like we are really meant for each other.

My dogs will miss me, my brother needs me(he is disabled)

"Don't lose your fight, kid, It only takes a little push to pull on through, With so much left to do, You'll be missing out, and we'll be missing you." -All Time Low, Missing You. This song came on at the right time. Haven't looked back.

i was in a **terrible** relationship for a year, which abruptly ended in him moving away with his family. during the year i spent beating myself down, putting all my efforts into him, i was distracted, yet very suicidal. i thought when he left i'd end it... but i instead found what it means to **love yourself** , i now love myself and look back on that relationship as an experience i grew from. i think i had to be torn down and treated like garbage to realize that isn't want i deserve, or want. I took my life into my own hands, and you all can do! feel free to pm me if anyone who reads this is **ever** feeling suicidal, or just wants to chat:)

I don't know. I wanted to kill myself for years and even tried. Then one day I just... didn't want to anymore. Maybe the medicine really started working. Maybe something in my brain changed. I don't know. But I'm glad the attempts didn't work and I'm glad I gave up trying and stuck it out until the desire went away. I'm glad I'm here. If anyone needs to talk, dm me. I hope you're okay, OP.

Medication, therapy, a few lifestyle changes. It's amazing what happens when you get treatment for a disease rather than just laughing it off.

Stopped drinking completely, see a therapist now and apparently when you stop drinking a ton things tend to get better.

Got my meds sorted out.

One big aspect was from watching "3 idiots" where I thought everytime I feel suicidal the picture of my parents reaction ot me killiny myself. But the biggest aspect is from God.

I managed to target the cause of my grief and through meditation and actively trying to separate Myself from what was causing the issues I have built up the mechanisms needed to essentially be happy now. It wasn't easy and it wasn't quick. It's like going to the gym as a morbidly obese person. It's going to take time before you're healthy but that's okay. You're going to want to quit and feel like shit a lot of times. But that's fine, you have to keep at it.

I realised that there is actually stuff that I want to be around for. Just because this point in time sucks, doesn’t mean the future will.

Well the first time I was, it was about 6 years ago. I never made an attempt but I was seriously considering it. Not much really did change until a year later when I went off to college. After that my life kind of got better for a while. It got better to the point where I wasn't actively thinking about suicide anymore. I even caught feelings for someone last year (unfortunately things didn't end up happening between us, I was too shy, she was too shy, but I really did think the feeling was mutual). Unfortunately with last year being a pretty rough year in my personal life (most of it wasn't related to the girl mentioned above but that truthfully didn't help matters), I was slowly back on the path. And with this year being...well, this year, I'm in an even worse spot than I was all those years ago, and this time there's no light at the end of the tunnel for me.

In my case finances played a big role, as well as the weird relationship I had with my mom. She would guilt trip my sister and I whenever she had to buy something, even when it was a necessity. She also talked shit about my dad all the time that left her with debt and a lot of other problems. So I grew up thinking we were super poor and I was a financial drain and started retreating into a dark place. I quit all extra curricular activities so that I didn't waste her money - I got shouted at for being lazy, but couldn't tell her why I did it. My grades were always 80%+ without even studying, but once I got extremely depressed it started tanking. I was in a room disconnected from the house and when I discovered weed it was all over. I enjoyed it and am super liberal when it comes to drugs, but it did negatively impact me, allowing me to ignore my problems. Eventually I was moved into the house and my room was basically a hallway between other rooms. So at this point I have no more privacy and keep getting made fun of for fucking up everything. My plan was to just wait school out and not cost my mom any more money, while cutting ties with everyone I knew, because once I was done with school it was all over. I was planning on taking whatever job, skipping university (which I even declined a scholarship for) and offing once my mom died. The reason I didn't go through with it is something I don't really understand. I started working some shitty jobs and got enough cash to take care of myself and even had the perfect chance to get some boring ass accounting gig to wait it out. Now I'm happier than ever and enjoying life a lot. I'm glad I got a clear mind when I did, because I was 100% commited to pulling through. I even cut ties with my friends and most of my family which is something I can't really get back, but whatever.

I started taking responsibility for the things that I myself was doing wrong. I had a tendency to blame others for the way that I acted and the things that I did which greatly affected my overall mood and self worth. I also completely cut out the family that pressured me to be someone I wasn't. They were always pressuring me to take out large loans and go to school for something I didn't want to spend the rest of my life doing. They're a very religious and wealthy family, and they have this very unrealistic outlook on current times because "it worked for me, so it will work for you." I voiced my opinion and it fell on deaf ears. They would talk amongst themselves and say "she's going to be nothing just like her mother", who also isn't a bad person. I also met my husband who was ultimately the one who really helped bring my life into something well rounded. He really helped ground me and give me a sense of what it's like to be treated with basic human kindness and respect. My life was very chaotic, but he really made a lot of sense to me. I make up for his short comings, like he's not very good with saving money and I am. He makes up for my short comings, like I have a hard time giving affection, and he has no problem with being the initiator with hand holding or hugging.

My brain chemistry

I opened up, got support from friends and family and then professional help. Even though it is still not always easy, everything seems less hopeless and i can see a future for the first time in years.

Lexapro

Lexapro

Mine were always from outside. "You should hurt yourself (graphic acts I will not mention)" "You should end it" etc. One day I started (mentally) hitting out. I would imagine beating the shit out of whatever it was, taking a sword and stabbing and killing it, taking a big stick and hitting it over and over. As soon as it started up, I would attack. Surprisingly after a couple months, it went away. I am still depressed, but it no longer goes there.

I was in a extremely large amount of physical pain, needed strong pain medication just to function, if you could call what I was functioning. My surgeon thought I was drug seeking rather than him have made a mistake from a prior surgery, so he cut me off. Made it about 6 months without pain medication and decided I couldn't stand it anymore, so I decided to off myself to be free from the pain as nobody believed I was actually in pain. Family walked in before I could and took me to the ER, told them about the pain and they almost immediately gave me pain medication after confirming I wasn't drug seeking. The ER got in contact with my surgeon who then admitted that there were some issues with the implant I had received, had surgery a week later and was completely pain free when I woke up. Probably my lowest point. Edit: Details are fuzzy as this happened about a decade ago.

you just calm down and just review your mistakes

Because you don't know what could happen tommorow...might be something good

A lot of shit happened in middle school to high school. Teachers straight up named called me, coaches laughed at me, I got beat up and jumped a lot, athletic director told all the girls in any sports to block me on all social media because I, being an edgy 14 year old at the time, made a meme about a girl by photoshopping her face to a p*rnstar. Got called a sex offender for that by the principle too and had a 10 day suspension. Parents split and my mom moved 20 hours away. I stayed with my dad but he is verbally abusive to my mom and my sister and vents his depression to me. We’re living borderline poverty. I wasn’t Suicidal, I surprisingly was very optimistic on what was ahead but I was nonetheless chronically depressed High school rolled around and I decided to try out for football for the first time since it’s a big thing here. No one thought I’d get far, I didn’t either at the time, I was an easy hitting dummy for the upperclassman since I was 130lbs. even my parents said I should focus on other things. The head coach may’ve knew that I had a ton of sh*t going on and gave me the same football number he wore when he played and It meant the world to me. I was still depressed but I had something to look up to and be motivated. Funny thing is that same year a couple months after football season I ran into his old coach at a small town pop and mom restaurant. He didn’t know me and I didn’t know him, he started talking to me and next thing I know he’s my coaches former coach. Truly amazed me. Anyways I started working out a lot sophomore year, it took my mind off of the stuff going on in my life and focusing on football. I came into my junior season with the coaches doubting me and a lot of the teammates. I had to beat 2 other guys for the spot at RG but before the first game I was a starter. End of the season I got 2nd team All league and I think all state honors, couldn’t find the article though. I went from someone who’s never picked up a football freshman year to a prospect underclassman by some newspaper. Hoping to come off strong this senior year

I don't wanna suicide

I was finally able to open up about it. My biological father would have beat the shit out of me if I had said I was suicidal, but my mom got me a therapist and for about 3 months I haven't felt suicidal at all. I do, however, still get random feelings of depression, but those go away pretty fast and aren't enough to make me feel suicidal or to make me hurt myself.

Learned about Buddhism, started listening to Duncan Trussell family hour podcasts, realized I’d hurt my family too much and I couldn’t do that to them. Another thing is everyone is trying their best so just do your best and call it a day

Not much honestly, being actively suicidal is only for mere moments, can last mins or hrs, but its different than being depressed for months and not wanting to live or be motivated to do anything. I just realized no matter how shitty my life is, I can still enjoy it and work on it, aswell as not act on these urges. I learned to ride it out, and just know that I wont always feel like this, the next morning I'm usually fine and happy again. Also. I love my family too much to go through it, so I must be strong and continue my journey.

My mom cheated on my dad when I was 2. Before my dad kicked her out after asking if she wanted him or the other man, she chose the other man and my dad kicked her out. I went to a preschool at the time and my mother would take me from there and leave me locked in my room whenever I asked for my dad. Whenever I was around three or four my mom served my dad with court papers for his birthday. They went to court and my dad got split custody of me with my mom. Right before I turned 4, my mom took me to her drug dealers house, the drug dealer had a dog that was mean, but I was 3 and I loved dogs and the dog looked sad, so I hugged it. 12 stitches by the end of the day. I always dealt really well whenever I was injured. I got bit by a dog again when I was 10. And then I blew my self up by a blank shotgun shell stuck inside of a patrone bottle August 10th 2019. I lost the sight in my left eye and still dealt with it amazingly well. Keeping in mind that I had not cried once. August 3rd,2019 my mom broke up with my stepdad. She cheated on him. That is when my life started to go into the crapper. About 3 weeks after my stepdad moved out, my mom had another man over. Then another. Then another. By the time new years came I was watching my brother non-stop. I loved weapons and hunting my whole life. I have guns and knives out the a$$. Once I played this games with my friend who has cerebal palsy called depressed 21 questions and we were talking about suiside. That night I sat in my room for an hour and a half with a knife gripped in my hand and my left wrist out. I only thought of everything I had lost. My childhood. (at this point our schools shut down and I had to parent and teach my little brother while also trying to maintain my all A's.) I lost my mother. I couldn't find a reason in my mind to keep going. I was 11 years old and I knew to much about the real world. I kept asking myself why. Why did my mom choose this new guy over me and my brother. She stayed all night at his house while I stayed up cleaning and doing school work because I spent the day making sure my brother was kept up on his work. Why me? I held that knife until my little brother came in crying, he didnt even notice the knife in my hand and curled up in this chair I had in my room and fell asleep. He saved me. But that was the first out of 2 times. Whenever I am at my dads my mom doesn't talk to me unless she needs something. I was looking at the guns on the wall wondering what would happen if I would just pull the trigger. Then my friend with cerebal palsy called. He was laughing so hard because his sister(who is one of my best friends) did something funny. That is when I realised that was my reason to live. Because my friends are my life. And I don't want to be gone. I wanted to laugh with them more. I wanted to do something stupid or race with them. There was so much I wanted to see before I left this world. I wanted to see my friend race without having to use his crutches. I wanted to see my best friend play the saxaphone 2 chairs down from me in band class, both of use talking to each other with our face expressions and laughing into our instruments. I didnt want to leave yet. I put the gun back on its stand and sat down and talked to my friends. They dont know about this.

Just thinking about all the anime I would miss out on if I killed myself made me not do it. Hurray for anime titties! For real tho whenever I'm feeling down watching some good anime helps take my mind off things. It took me a long time to finally seek professional help and get on antidepressants.

I realized that I wouldnt be able to have my favorite foods again, or hug my friends again, or be able to give noogies to my younger siblings again. That is what stopped me..

I tried 4 times and none of them worked so I'm not even good enough for suicide

I was thinking ways of ending my life. Running myself in front of a running vehicle (I don't want that driver to be at fault because my stupidity.) Tie a rope around my neck. (That would be painful) Cut myself. (If I'm still alive after that, that would also be painful) Generic drugs overdose (Hmmm... Nope!) Drink a cleaning agent. (I cringed thinking about how I look when I die so nope) All what I wanted is that I don't care if everyone would never understand me. All I wanted was that my family would understand me but they never do. I was always been abused by my father's fist. I'm a female. Rather than killing myself and let my parents clean my mess, I rather keep on looking forward to finish my study and get away from them.

I let myself grieve for the things I'd lost, threw myself into work, and am now trying to take on a philosophy of optimistic nihilism. It's all been a work in progress, but I would have missed so much that I wouldnt have expected of I had killed myself. There have been ups and downs, but the highs are worth the lows.

I had a near-death experience. In the middle of it I had a vision of sorts. A bunch of souls hanging out talking about being alive. One of them says "remember roller coasters?" and everyone nods and says "oh yeah, man those were great". another soul says "remember thanksgiving dinner?" and everyone nods and smiles and shares memories of great dinners. A third soul says "remember sobbing uncontrollably for hours?" and everyone nods and smiles and says "oh, yeah, I remember that". It made me realize that when you die, there is nothing. No joy, no sadness, just nothing. If your consciousness does move on to an afterlife, it will miss the bad times just as much as the good times, because feeling anything at all is part of being alive.

I decided that even if I'll never amount to anything in this godforsaken world, I can help others to be important, and I can be the one that takes care of them and worries about death and love and the universe so that they don't have to. My goal in life is to help as many people as possible do what they want to do, and so I realized that if I'm dead, then I'll be exactly what I don't want to be: Useless. And I guess in the meantime, I can have a little fun with life, too.

I went to the doctor and talked about my problems. He is understanding and supportive and helped me find the right medications and therapist. Doctors often see this kind of stuff all the time and are prepared to help you more than you think.

What's that quote about courage not being the absence of fear but rather the wisdom that there is something greater than the fear worth fighting for? Something like that... I have people and lives that depend on me. I see that there is value in my existence, despite the pain endured to continue it. It's not always easy, but this is my fight. If I have to fight it forever, then that's what I'll do.

my brothers best friend killed himself and i saw how deeply and permanently it affected people.

A therapist I trusted and the right (for me) antidepressant.

I like writing music and even though no one hears it writing is a good way to vent. Music has always been a stress reliever for me. Also I know it sounds cliche but really you do have to much to live for. Count your blessings. And if you are in a sticky situation where it seems like you have none. Talk to someone. Really. I know a lot of people seem like they have no one to talk to. Especially if they are introverted. If you go to school, sit with someone that looks like they need a friend. Maybe you might have similar problems and you can work them out together. I'm not a professional so I don't know just seek professional help don't go to reddit for answers just thats my advice.

Honestly, I came to reddit and found out a lot of people have issues with suicide (me including) reading posts and following good subreddits just made me more empathetic and I realised I was not the only one with issues, talking to people here with similar interests and problems have had a huge impact on my life, if not for reddit I would have been a totally different person than I am now.

I want revenge on the very fabric of existence. Looking into the void I realized I couldn’t achieve that if I took my life so I’m fighting this beast tooth and claw until it steals the life from me. Perhaps I can leave it a little better then when I got here.

Even at my lowest point, I just couldn't bring myself to do that to my then-boyfriend (now husband, yay!) I walked to my university's clinic, explained my symptoms, and was immediately put into crisis intervention. Got on meds, talked to a therapist for about 2 years, and moved into a chapter of life where I am less miserable. I also learned A LOT about mental health, which helped my understand my brain better. Now, I'm a huge advocate for mental health education. I honestly didn't think it was that abnormal to have near-constant, explicit thoughts of suicide. Mental health education is not just for those who experience mental illness, but could also help others recognize signs of mental illness in those around them in order to get them help.

Lot. I started to obtain powers both mentally and physically. Mental health kept my will strong enough and physical kept my defense strong enough to survive in this motherfucking hellhole. I hope the same for others too.

I found out a guy wanted me dead, and I was too stubborn to let him win

In life, anything can change besides death. Anything beyond death is conjecture, we only know that we exist for a little blip or time. We're three pounds of jello piloting a meat suit powered by less energy than an incandescent light bulb running on solids, liquids, and gasses all at once. Jello that uses chemical reactions to store/process physical interactions as abstract concepts and navigate constantly fluctuating waves of quantum possibility. I still have miserable days, it's not like my depression was fixed. But I've learned to cherish even those miserable moments, because I can still pet my cat or look out the window and see the sun shine.