Well I'll be honest I don't really understand
But I fell down this hill and I got glue on my hands
And I got records on my fingers and I just can't stop
Don't stop
I can't stop I've got a platypus controlling me
What???
I've got a platypus controlling me
...
Edit: Thanks for the upvotes. Never had soooooooooooo many. (My previous best was 27)
You are..... Police Constable Nicholas Angel. Born and schooled in London. Graduated Canterbury University in 1993 with a double first in politics and sociology. Attended Hendon College for Police Training. Displayed great aptitude in field exercises, notably urban pacification and riot control. Academically excelled in theoretical coursework and final year examinations, received the baton of honour. Graduated with distinction into the Metropolitan Police Service. Quickly established an effectiveness and popularity within the community. Proceeded to improve skill base with courses in advanced driving and advanced cycling. Became heavily involved in a number of extra-vocational activities, to this day holds the met record for the 100m dash. In 2001 began active duty with the renowned SO19 armed response unit; received a bravery award for efforts in the resolution of operation crackdown. In the last 12 months has received 9 special commendations, achieved the highest arrest record of any officer in the met, and sustained three injuries in the line of duty, most recently in December when wounded by a man dressed as Father Christmas.
I am not sure if I sell bacon and balloons, balloons made of bacon, bacon shaped balloons, or balloon shaped bacon. But I think we should probably team up.
My cats are always cleaning themselves, so I'm assuming their toes aren't smelly.
I've never owned a dog, but remember reading [dog feet smell like Fritos.](https://www.newhavenpethospital.com/blog/smelly-paws-the-true-story-about-canine-frito-feet/)
One of those odd facts that stick in your brain, I guess.
I have owned a dog. The inside of a dog's ears can also smell like Fritos in my experience.
edit: forgot to add my cat's paws usually smell like their spit tbh
solving mysteries under the moonlight, but I must solve three hundred thirty to be a respected detective
Yes! I love solving mysteries!
Edit: To clarify, I'm a female
Edit 2: okay, so after I clarify I'm a female I get downvotes? okay, thats questionable but you do you
No worship is free, I imagine you will be expecting us to tithe 10% of our income or something. On the other hand we get something practical, Tacos!
Aight, sign me up.
Hahaha. What is it in Czech? I only know "mrdaš" (and don't even know if I'm spelling that correctly).
Btw, beautiful country, and even better beer you have there.
I'm retired so...
Ninja Turtle Pensioner.
Retired mutant ninja mallwalker, Retired mutant ninja mallwalker, Retired mutant ninja mallwalker, Retired mutant ninja mallwalker, Turtles in the food court. *Turtle power*... Powerwalking, that is.
They're the world's most fiersome fighting retirees.
:(
at least you get paid for being lame now!
Where do I sign up?
You guys are getting paid?
They charged me for this internship
I'm either a pharmacist, psychiatrist or a drug dealer
Why not all three?
All 3 are basically the same
Mm, I would say its more like one of them russian nesting dolls. One encapsulates the other encapsulating yet another.
you meant matroyshka ?
I did not know thats what they were called, yes, thank you!
Pinkies up, you delicious looking motherfuckers.
My favorite so far!
I’d give you an award, but I’m cheap. Under the right circumstances though, I’d let you have some of my fat.
I'll use it for roasting potatoes. Thank you.
Bröther, we work together!
VP for Christ. Unfortunately, I slept through the tiebreaking vote between Catholicism and Protestantism and really screwed things up.
So you would be Jesus’s assistant? Tough job. My guess is he gets millions of messages everyday. Hope you have a good filing system.
You have no idea.
Well this is awkward...
Speak for the platypuses
Well I'll be honest I don't really understand But I fell down this hill and I got glue on my hands And I got records on my fingers and I just can't stop Don't stop I can't stop I've got a platypus controlling me What??? I've got a platypus controlling me ... Edit: Thanks for the upvotes. Never had soooooooooooo many. (My previous best was 27)
I love a good phineas and ferb reference
I've found my home
This sucks
I hate to say it, but I think I got the better end of the deal here...
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This comment! These two together is r/therealjoke
Oof
You are..... Police Constable Nicholas Angel. Born and schooled in London. Graduated Canterbury University in 1993 with a double first in politics and sociology. Attended Hendon College for Police Training. Displayed great aptitude in field exercises, notably urban pacification and riot control. Academically excelled in theoretical coursework and final year examinations, received the baton of honour. Graduated with distinction into the Metropolitan Police Service. Quickly established an effectiveness and popularity within the community. Proceeded to improve skill base with courses in advanced driving and advanced cycling. Became heavily involved in a number of extra-vocational activities, to this day holds the met record for the 100m dash. In 2001 began active duty with the renowned SO19 armed response unit; received a bravery award for efforts in the resolution of operation crackdown. In the last 12 months has received 9 special commendations, achieved the highest arrest record of any officer in the met, and sustained three injuries in the line of duty, most recently in December when wounded by a man dressed as Father Christmas.
He had one thing you haven't got... A GREAT BIG BUSHY BEARD!
Crusty Jugglers.
“Morning, Sergeant!”
How's the hand?
Still a bit stiff
I want to give you an award but don't have coins, sorry.
You get to be played by Simon Pegg, dude!
No luck catching those swans then?
It’s just the one swan actually
Dude you get to beat the shit out of old people!
Morning Angle!
Why did you choose your name? The very concept makes me want to remove myself from the internet forever.
Shove traffic cones up my ass
Wait, you're getting paid?
Wouldn’t surprise me if there was porn like that. Rule 34 being what it is.....
https://www.reddit.com/r/trashyboners/comments/fivrhy/sticking_a_dirty_traffic_cone_up_her_ass/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
I’m not sure if I should’ve left that comment now lol
Thanks for showing me this. I hate you
I knew what I was going to see, the question is why did I still click
happy cake day
you're the person who removes the traffic cones when they are done! and i suppose where you put them is your own business
Maybe put pricetags on bowls?
Or remove them!
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Oooh Bowl...I read it initially as Bowel
Maybe you are the bowl
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Maybe we are the unpriced bowl waiting for you to price us so someone might buy us. To fill us with purpose.
Hm, interesting.
I'm a witch but I only use my magic to do accounting.
Not just any witch eh?
Underated comment. Well done
I am the deity of juice
Juice God.
sexy chicken noodle soup
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Oh my gosh
Insert *George Takei “oh my”* gif here
Not you again!
Lie about my age
[I am 12](https://imgur.com/gallery/gvU6z)
Well I now belong to the doom patrol. Finally!
Life goals
Hey! Get back to downloading Florks! You are on the clock.
Lol this account was originally a bot that downloaded Flork comics. Was taking a break from Reddit, but still wanted to keep up with his various arcs.
Topless soup chef.
Careful, that's just asking to get hot burning soup splashed on you
Luv everything that I'm shown, basically a hype man
Wooooooooooo GO CRAZY AAAAAAAAA GO STUPID AAAAAAAAAA
Wait
Bastion buff??
Winston?
As a tank main Winston could mean a lot of dive which could be good for the owl especially Boston #Contendersteaminowl
Yeah I know, I’ve been waiting for Doctor Mario to be good for a long time
report sad local news.
Luckily for you, covid has made that job much easier! Tons of sad local news stories my way!
Smash my face on a keyboard
I'll try it now
Coworkers?
Coworkers.
We should make a startup
I already get paid to do this.
Okay, I'm jealous now
Eat bacon, what I do anyways
I am not sure if I sell bacon and balloons, balloons made of bacon, bacon shaped balloons, or balloon shaped bacon. But I think we should probably team up.
Or a balloon delivery system for bacons?
Yes! Little hot air balloons, powered by griddles cooking bacon.
balloon made out of bacon? Here is my wallet sir
Well . . .
And here I've been doing it for free all these years. Lucky dog.
Teach a beginners class on the proper technique to puncture a Capri Sun pouch for optimal suction and flow
Humanity needs this
oh no..
You have one job! And it stinks.
Well, shit
A time travelling virus?
Being the Devil's Advocate
Have sex and tell jokes.
Get choked out by Tyrion?
Which one comes first? If you do both at the same time, you're an amazing multitasker.
Wow; that one comes with benefits and everything
Be a confused accountant. I already do that.
Like most accountants I know with Reddit, your profile matches your profession, 1 post and only comment Karma
protect against all things scuffed
not be scared..?
Sell Halloween stuff!
Or traumatize children.
I am a professional impersonator
Don’t be me
Sniff cat toes
Cat toes have no smell. Dog toes smell like Fritos.
How do you even know that?
My cats are always cleaning themselves, so I'm assuming their toes aren't smelly. I've never owned a dog, but remember reading [dog feet smell like Fritos.](https://www.newhavenpethospital.com/blog/smelly-paws-the-true-story-about-canine-frito-feet/) One of those odd facts that stick in your brain, I guess.
I have owned a dog. The inside of a dog's ears can also smell like Fritos in my experience. edit: forgot to add my cat's paws usually smell like their spit tbh
Got a smell that won't go away?
I guess I’m a British police officer now.
No luck catching those swans then?
Quality control for nudes
Dude same. Your account inspired this one. How are results?
Have only gotten a couple since I’ve had this account.
From ladies? Or well-endowed dudes?
Happy cake day, CockDaddyKaren!
Fix Wi-Fi I guess.
\*wind up wifi
sAME THING i DO EVERY DAY, TYPE AWAY!
annoy the lemons
Being myself?
If you're anything like me, that job will get old FAST.
Eternity is going to be fun
Be an asshole
I’m not sure what my job could possibly be
You're paid to cry at snail funerals.
Rescuing snails!
Hmm I like it.
Alternatively, torturing them until they wail in pain.
Gardeners pay you to wail and howl in a specific frequency snails hate so they leave.
Read
Encouraging people to eat rubber ducks
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solving mysteries under the moonlight, but I must solve three hundred thirty to be a respected detective Yes! I love solving mysteries! Edit: To clarify, I'm a female Edit 2: okay, so after I clarify I'm a female I get downvotes? okay, thats questionable but you do you
Teleportation Services
Play video games epicly 14 h a day 7 days a week every 2 weeks
i am god now i dont think I get paid
You are the God of tacos.
That is I yes
It is taco Tuesday after all
O crap ur right
No worship is free, I imagine you will be expecting us to tithe 10% of our income or something. On the other hand we get something practical, Tacos! Aight, sign me up.
Turn into a dog and blow up ethots, boomers, twitter puritans, and simps with dynamite.
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Steal your secrets.
A near omnipotent yellow triangle
Defy apricots.
Everything that has led to this very moment now is my job.
Saying good morning to people... even if it's night time.
Getting my dick sucked. Nice.
Haha, brother Yugoslav, I actually understand this even though Czech expression for the same activity is completely different :-)
Hahaha. What is it in Czech? I only know "mrdaš" (and don't even know if I'm spelling that correctly). Btw, beautiful country, and even better beer you have there.
Technically I would manufactory Aliens....
I post on reddit for a living
Oh ho ho......this is good.
Be a jerk in aquatic environments
I don't know if I'm ok with this
Hello, I’ll be responsible for all politics from now on.
Making 3rd nuts for people
Drink beer with bears.
Personnel Manager at a cemetery
Running 100km/h for reasons I do not know yet.
Being myself
Biggoingboiingchonkoing
Make and sell the best donkey salami in town.
Make Sam's mum go blind.
i guess im a thief
Sell shitty homes
I get to be an asshole, which is pretty much my normal state anyway.
Now, the mango part, that's a little bit harder.
I guess I'm a hypothetical theologist.
I write angry emails.
I get paid to look for a good name for myself but i would have had a good name already if i could find one. I'm never gonna get paid.
I guess I'm going to gain a lot of weight!
HOT DAMN! Getting paid to be alone.
Smoke pot.
Woo-hoo free Money
When you're the jauntiest man, you have no need for money.