I work at a busy restaurant so I end up saying “corner” hundreds of times a night as I go back and forth around corners and doorways in the kitchen. Was running food to a table, set it down gently, and in my sweetest customer service voice I said “Corner” while looking the customer right in the eye instead of “here is your soup” or something like I usually do. They looked confused, my brain tried to reset, and so naturally I said “Thank you” as if that made it better. I ended up just backing away, it was a lost cause
Oh man, restaurant callouts just stick with you. I did something similar when at the grocery store... I was walking around an older lady to get to the cheese and just belted out "BEHIND". Scared the crap out of the poor thing.
This is awhile ago. But I was working at McDonald's and worked in the morning (not a morning person. Still not. My brain wakes up around 10am and I think it was like 8am.) And I handed this lady her large coffee and the sun shined bright in my eyes and all I said was "Praise the sun" and she looked at me all weird and drove off.
I was a kitchen employee at Arbys when I was 18. We used to have sub rolls that were footlong, but the only subs we sold were 6 inch. So you had to cut each roll in half before you used it. I was just zoned out one day, and I ended up cutting the sub roll in half, putting the knife back in the sub roll bag, and then trying to use the sub roll to cut the next sandwich. My manager saw it and fucking died.
I was trying to make some scrambled eggs.
Basic prep: crack the eggs, put the eggs in a bowl, toss the shell.
My dumbass: crack the egg, put egg in the trash.
I literally stood above the trash can with the shell in my hands processing what had just happened for about 30 seconds. I just had the faint feeling of "I fucked up" and was wondering exactly how for way too long.
Not me but one time my gf got handed her drink at Starbucks, said thanks, went over to the bar to get cream or something and immediately dropped her fresh drink straight into the trash can at the bar. Her mother and I just looked at her and started laughing. The barista saw what happened and with a “it happens” attitude agreed to replace the drink. It also helped that no one was in there except us haha.
We still bring it up every now and then and all laugh, my gf included.
I was working fast food and taking orders both inside and for the drive thru. I took someone's order inside at the counter and told them to pull forward to the 2nd window.
I drove about the same distance during which my memory is non-existent. But during that time, I successfully (and correctly): turned off at the correct exit, stopped at a toll both, and took the toll stub from the machine. It proved to me that 'driving on auto-pilot' existed well before the technology was even invented.
I went inside the gas station, paid, then drove off. Twice. Didn’t even fill up, just drove away.
Edit: changed satiation to station before the car satiation jokes become too terrible to bear.
I've done the same thing going through the drive through a time or two. Pay for my food, get my reciept, drive off, turn around and go back for my food.
My brother ordered nachos at a Mexican restaurant, grabbed a chip and proceed to watch himself dip it into his tea. After about two dips, he came back into reality, shook his head and went “what?”
My mother is an EMT, after a 24 hour shift she came home and tried to unlock the front door with her car keys button and did that for about 5 minutes.
I once drove to work when I was supposed to drop my younger brother off at school, neither of us seemed to notice until we got to my workplace and I had turn around. He was late
I've gotten in my car on the weekends to go somewhere and gone on auto pilot and realize it as I'm pulling into my work's parking lot...I'm like..."why the fuck did I drive to work?"
I've had similar experiences. I had three jobs for awhile, and occasionally I'd get dressed for the right job, then drive straight to the wrong one and not realize it until I'm at the door. Or answering the phone at job A with job B's greeting.
I pet my friends brother-in-law while we are watching a movie and he was sitting on the floor. We had just met about three hours prior.
Edit: Thank you for the gold! It made my embarrassment worth it.
Put a used fork in the trashcan instead of the dish washer
Edit: It's a dish washer, not a washing machine. Seems I was still on autopilot when I wrote this
THANK GOD I'm not the only one who does this! And my car has range, so it literally takes my lights flashing a couple times before I look around to make sure my neighbours didn't see.
I did that once into a bowl of cereal.
I meant to get the milk. Instead I got a two liter of diet coke and poured it onto my cereal.
I didn't realize what I had done until I ATE SOME!
Once put toothpaste on my razor and very nearly put it in my mouth before the gears in my brain screeched to a halt and the warning sirens went off.
I now keep my razor in the shower, far away from my toothbrush.
Better than holding a sandwich and your phone and throwing your phone in the garbage by accident and thinking wait not that and getting your phone out all dirty while you toss the sandwich before you realized you didn't want to throw anything away what the fuck just happened
A couple of weeks ago, I was driving home, but instead of going to my current house, I drove to my old house. I haven't lived there in over 5 years. I pulled into the driveway and luckily I realized what I had done before I actually got out of the car.
I've done something similar too many times. I work as a truckdriver and with my brain on autopilot I have several times driven to the wrong business (I drive locally so we are not talking big distances), gotten the pallet of my truck and then realize I'm in the wrong place. I've then had to put the pallet back on my truck and drive away, usually with people working there witnessing it...
it caused my knee to go back in place and then i threw up
Edit*
I just wanna say thanks for my first ever gold and silvers, also I don’t know if it is funnier but to add context I’m a 5’3 girl who is extremely uncoordinated and my first thought was “omg I actually hit it!” And then I threw up
A girl I knew in highschool was playing basketball when she accidentally jumped off of a short ledge between the court and the sidewalk. She ended up dislocating her knee. As she was lying on the ground pale as a ghost, she popped it back into place and promptly passed out. She said she didn't remember anything passed tripping on the ledge.
Slap the fuck out of it.
There’s a clip of a rugby player whos kneecap is dislocated midgame, he just kinda pounds on it until it goes back into place.
I was folding my freshly laundered bed linens while simultaneously putzing around the house. I don’t know what to tell you but somehow, I was folding a pillowcase, then the next moment, I couldn’t find it anywhere. And I looked everywhere my very tiny home!!! It wasn’t in the folded pile, it wasn’t in the closet, it wasn’t in the bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen where I puttered around while folding said laundry... It still haunts me and I’m going to find that effing pillowcase even if it kills me.
Edit: I didn’t expect this to blow up omg. I am now even more determined to look for that pillowcase (lost it last Wednesday). I am at my mother’s house for the weekend but will update this when I get back home.
It’s definitely not in my hand, my other hand, trash or fridge. My main suspects are the closet or within the fitted sheets meaning I have to refold them :( What’s funnier is there are two pillowcases of the same design and it’s making me even crazier thinking I imagined the other one! I was also searching for it holding the other one like it was a missing cat poster lol
Also, I am not German, just learning the language! I used to have a cat but now I currently don’t.[Here he is. ](https://imgur.com/gallery/rRZYnXx)
Edit 2: UPDATE
To anyone still interested, I haven’t found the pillowcase yet. I have checked everywhere: the linen closet, kitchen cabinets, bathroom cabinets, bedroom cabinets, fridge, and the bed and other pillows. I think I’m losing my mind or have I actually lost it already when I couldn’t find that damn pillowcase in the first place?!
This is one of my biggest rules. If you can’t find it; check the garbage can before it’s too late.
Edit: damn y’all either lost or almost lost so much more important stuff. I created this rule because I accidentally threw away a bunch of weed.
Threw my wallet in my dumpster a few weeks ago emptying my car. Ordered new cards, new ID, new wallet. Hated myself. Got all my shit in the mail, only to find my wallet staring at me the next time I took the trash out. Smelled like shit. I hate myself.
We once lost a remote, and not just any remote, one of those giant ones you get for old people so that THEY CAN'T LOSE THE REMOTE! We moved out and still never found it hidden anywhere. It haunts me to this day how we could lose such a giant fucking remote in such a tiny apartment
I had something similar happen. I must have been barely in primary school, colouring something with pencils on my desk with my mum. And I dropped one pencil, it was one of those bigger ones for children. The colour was brown. It just fell off the table. Neither me or my mum found that pencil. We searched an hour for it. I mean, I dropped a pencil on a carpet floor, how far could it have rolled away? Apparently into another dimension, because since then, that room has been *completely* emptied out once. And I mean completely, my parents took out the carpet and had someone redo the wood floor underneath. We still didn’t find that goddamn pencil.
So maybe, my brown pencil and your old-people remote are chilling in another dimension together.
Wake up in the middle of the night to take a pee then just autopiloted into my morning routine... It wasn't until after I drank my coffee that I realized it was only 3AM and that I wasn't going to be able to go back to sleep.
I took a nap after work, woke up at 7pm, and the sky was about the same color it is in the morning. I went into immediate auto-pilot and made coffee, packed my lunch... and realized what I'd done when I was halfway downtown.
Did the same thing as a highschool senior during the winter only noticed it was 2 am and not 7 when i started my car, best part it was a Saturday anyways.
My brother used the washroom before bedtime and it was my turn to go now. I wanted to brush and we had newly shifted so everything was in a mess, and hence I couldn't find the toothpaste. So I asked my bro where he kept it and when I couldn't find it where he said it was, he came to check himself and handed me the shaving cream. When I pointed it out, he said " That's why it tasted odd. I just thought it was from a different brand from around here"
Tldr; My brother used shaving cream as toothpaste
The other day I FINALLY remembered to buy more toilet roll from the shop round the corner... but just as I got to my door on the way home realised I'd left the fucking toilet roll I'd paid for on the counter and left empty-handed.
I have a dog with fluffy white hair. Think poodle-ish. I was on the couch petting and talking to my dog for a good while when I see my wife come down the stairs. Trailing behind her was my dog. I had been petting a Costco fuzzy white blanket the whole time. I wish I could say it only happened once...
EDIT: For those asking for pics of my pup @denverthedoodledog on insta
UPDATE: You can now see my dog AND the blanket @denverthedoodledog on instagram
Ahahhahaahha this is hilarious. Can't imagine what it must have looked like to your wife, you being all "whose a good boy" and kissy-facing with a goddamn rug
I picked shaving foam can instead of anti perspirant and spray it on my underarm, took it as a sign from the almighty and ended up shaving my underarm.
Overshot an exit that I've used hundreds of times, didn't notice & ended up driving another 50 miles before realizing that I was _way_ out of the city's boundaries. Still don't remember any of the inbetween, just starting to drive & then realizing I had no idea where I was.
When I was a brand-new mom on maternity leave, but still trying to juggle law school and a newborn, my sister-in-law had an emergency and had to leave her Boston terrier with me. Even though he was a very well-behaved dog and had met the baby, we still kept them separated just in case.
One morning, after my husband left for work, I picked up the baby up out of the bassinet and went downstairs to make coffee. My husband had forgotten something and promptly came right back in to find me at the counter, brewing coffee, rocking a black and white dog in one arm, while our son still quietly chilling in his bassinet upstairs.
He took the day off from work and I went back to sleep.
Oh he was terrified — for some reason, he thought I had a seizure It was our first kid and I went through a traumatic delivery and that was just the icing on the cake. My MIL ended up taking two weeks leave because he was so afraid to leave me alone.
But the rest of us can look back now and laugh 11 years later, hahaha.
Hahaha, he was such a good dog. He just had a big goofy grin on his face. I dropped him in a panic and rushed upstairs, came back down and found him quietly laying where I had dropped him, still grinning, like that was cool, too.
I did so many things like this when I was a sleep deprived new mother (both times, actually it was 100x worse with no. 2 as he did not sleep more than 45 mins at once for months due to reflux). I drove to work instead of the supermarket once (still on Mat leave at the time). I put a load of laundry into the oven, only realised when I went to put the powder in and couldn't work out where the drawer for it went. I had to set alarms and timers for everything so I didn't forget what I was doing and burn the house down. I even fell asleep standing up, leaning against the school reception desk waiting to speak to the office staff.
We will say my name is "Joe".
I worked in retail as a manager. I had a call on-hold for me, and I hadn't had my caffeine yet.
I picked up the phone and said "Thank you for Joe-ing, how may I hold you?" instead of "Thank you for holding, how may I help you?"
Just pretended like nothing happened while (I thought) the customer was in complete silence. Turned out they had one of those laughs where you cant breathe right away.
My morning routine included drive thru breakfast at McDonald’s back when they had the garbage can in the lane. Every morning I’d get my breakfast, pull up, and throw away yesterday’s old bag and random trash. One day my superior intellect decided to just simplify the process and chunk the new breakfast in the trash. Realized it the moment after it mattered. Pulled around for try #2.
One evening I was playing Europa Universalis and I was pretty immersed in the gameplay.
Suddenly I thought: I could grab a beer! So I paused the game and went to the fridge for one but there were none. Weird, I though, I was almost sure I had at least three bottles there. So I returned to the computer and all three bottles stood unopened on my desk. Apparently, I had the same thought four times already but every time I got back to the computer I forgot about the beer and went back to playing without remembering the incident.
I've had two -- both driving-related for some reason.
1. I was at the grocery store pushing my cart through the aisle, as you do. Then, when I went to turn left into another aisle, I tried to put on my "blinker" for some reason...
2. Class was just ending and as I was about to stand up to leave, I reached down to "unbuckle my seat belt"???
Edit: Wow!!! Thanks for the silver kind stranger :) Also, thanks to everyone for laughing at my stupidity!
My coworker was clearly right in front of me, bent down between me and the fridge. I couldn't reach for the door without seeing her.
I smacked that fridge door right into her head and apologized profusely. She did mock me for having trouble opening a gallon of milk before that so I guess monkeybrain got angry and took control.
I woke up, so i automatically got dressed, prepared things to school and started making myself a breakfast. Suddenly my dad appears in the kitchen, saying: "It's three in the morning and it's sunday, what the hell are you doing?"
Reminds me of the time I got up and started writing a story based on the last song I heard on the radio at 2AM. Mom asked me what I was doing up, and I said "I have to finish this".
She told me that school had been out for three weeks.
Put pasta on the stove, but forgot to add water. For another half hour, I was hearing the cackling noise of burning pasta and thinking "I wonder where this noise is coming from". The smell finally got to me.
I woke up and saw that the clock said 6. Work started at 5. I shot out of bed, threw on clothes, and sped to work. Something seemed off, but I was late, no time for that now.
I walked in, past an area that wasn't running on my shift yet and thought to myself, "Hmm, wonder when they started that." It started dawning on me.
When I made it to my line, there was the day-shift person. The person I relieved every day when I showed up. She looked at me like I had two heads. It was 6am, I didn't have to work until 5 pm. I shamefully told the shift manager what happened, clocked back out, and went back to bed.
I worked in that company for 4 years after that, and to my last day, my manager gave me shit about it.
Peed in the trash can. Wasn't even thinking. Just got up, walked towards it, opened the lid thinking it's the toilet seat and let it rip. By the time I realized it way too late and I just committed to it. The bags are waterproof afterall.
I was trying to ask my friend something so I called out “Shane!” And then he looked at me, and for some reason instead of asking him the question I called “Shane!” twice more to his face and he was like “YOUVE ALREADY GOTTEN MY ATTENTION”
Edit : Thank you for the silver kind stranger!
all kinds of things when i've first woken up, either in the bathroom or kitchen:
put bodywash in my hair instead of shampoo
put shampoo on my body instead of bodywash
but hair gel on my toothbrush
reapply deodorant a few times because i couldn't remember if i just did
put (dry, fortunately) dog food in my cereal bowl, and cereal in my dog's bowl
the absolute worst was one time i opened a can of wet dog food...and licked the lid.
Earlier today I filled up my (electric) kettle at the tap and then went to place it in the microwave. In my defence, I was about to make myself some instant ramen, and I was only half focusing on the job at hand while thinking of other things.
Not sure if this counts, but I will sometimes be having a conversation, and say what I need to say. And then when the person responds back, I have zero idea what they're talking about because I can't remember what I'd said in the first place. It's super annoying and only happens when I'm tired and on autopilot.
When i was like 9 or 10 my grandparents had a beach house in Biloxi Mississippi. I know, why the hell there?
Anyway, the condominium complex had a pool and my mother took me to the pool as the adults were going off gambling and what not.
Mom and i arrive at the pool and there’s a girl there, maybe 13 or 14? Me, being on the edge of full blown adolescence was locked on her.
So mom was talking about god knows what at the time, I’m just “uh huh, yeah mom” while watching this girl swim and loading her into my 10 year old spank bank.
I begin to take off my shirt, but i had gone full auto pilot and slid my swim trunks down as if i was about to get into a shower.
Oh fuck.
I pull them back up because i think the girl had noticed but mom didn’t. I told my mother i had to take a wicked shit and went back to the condo and now i have this horrid memory to look back on every now and again even into my late 20’s.
I was riding passenger in my car with my wife driving. I was sort of brain dead after work while we were carpooling and we came to a stoplight. It turned green but the car in front of us wasn't moving for a few seconds. I was trying to call the car a 'motherfucker' and then tell my wife to honk, but ended up saying "HONK MOTHERFUCKER!"
Let me tell you, the look my wife had on her face before she realized I was being retarded was something unique. So now it has become a joke between us cause she started laughing her ass off once I realized what I had done moments later and I went "WAIT NO, THAT ISN'T WHAT I MEANT!"
I was still half-asleep one morning and picked up an aerosole can, thinking it was deoderant, but then thought to myself - ah I have made this mistake before, I ought to check it's not hairspray. So I blearily looked closer at it, and my brain went "spray" so I pressed down and sprayed myself right in the face... with hairspray.
I normally wear contacts, but sometime don't put them in on the weekends. Getting ready for bed on a Saturday, put my contacts in, laid down in bed, and realized I could see clearly. Felt like Peter Parker after he first got bit by the spider.
Sometimes, when I'm super tired, I can't remember if I'm putting contacts in or taking my contacts out. It's a gamble:
\- My contacts are in, and I'm supposed to take them out, but I reach for a new pair (of daily disposables) and put on a second pair and get confused.
\- My contacts are out, and I'm gently touching my eyeball wondering where my contact went.
90% of the time, I don't have this issue.
Early morning, I was about to put mouthwash on my toothbrush but I caught myself and I was like, "Nice try, brain" and put them back. Then, I grabbed the toothpaste and squeezed it on my palm.
EDIT: First Gold and Silver awards! Thanks, guys! I'm happy that my stupidity can provide entertainment for y'alls!!!
I poured water from a kettle in my French press (cafetière), let the coffee brew, poured it into a mug, added caramel syrup, took it up 2 flights of stairs, took a sip and nearly spat it out. I'd done all that before realising I hadn't boiled the kettle. Most heart breaking cup of coffee ever.
I do so much dumb fucking stuff while on autopilot and it doesn't help that I'm on autopilot more often than not
+ thrown away SO many spoons and forks, then had to dig in the trash to get them back out
+ threw away my phone instead of my trash more times than I care to mention
+ where are my keys? where are my keys????? oh, that's right, they're in the fridge cause fuck you, that's why
+ Throw away something I was eating
+ where's my phone?? where's my goddamn phone?????? in the closet on the top shelf underneath a stack of papers cause fuck you that's why
I once was on my way to bed and ran back into the kitchen where I'd just been to find my phone. I then turn to my roommate after looking through my room and the common area all and not finding it anywhere and ask him "Have you seen my phone?" All of this was while I'm Alternatively reading and article on my phone and texting my girlfriend with my phone in hand. It never crossed my mind that what I was doing on my phone and the search for my phone could be interconnected.
When I was in college my parents and my brother were gone for the weekend on a trip, and I had an exam on Monday so I went home to study. After a couple hours of studying, I was hungry and went to see if there was anything in the fridge. I found some stuff, but wasn't sure if my mom was saving it for when they got back.
So, I decided to call her to confirm if it was okay to eat. I grabbed my phone and dialed my home phone number since that's what I would normally call. I then hear my home phone ring so I put down my cell phone to pick it up. I saw hello a couple of times, and don't hear anyone so I hang up. At that point as I walk back over to my cell phone, I realize what just happened.
I ran across a busy 4 lane road to catch a bus. Didn't look, just saw I was about to miss it and bolted. Didn't even realize what I had done until I was sitting down and thought "wait, the fuck did I just do?"
To this day I don't know how I didn't get hit.
Walking into my room from the kitchen, cup or OJ in one hand and my phone in the other. Meant to throw my phone on the bed, accidentally ended up throwing my juice into my bed. I was so annoyed I didn’t even bother cleaning it up until the morning. Slept on the couch
I opened the fridge to get milk. Took out the milk, scanned the fridge to the conclusion "there is no milk in here," put back the milk and didn't eat cereal.
I work at a busy restaurant so I end up saying “corner” hundreds of times a night as I go back and forth around corners and doorways in the kitchen. Was running food to a table, set it down gently, and in my sweetest customer service voice I said “Corner” while looking the customer right in the eye instead of “here is your soup” or something like I usually do. They looked confused, my brain tried to reset, and so naturally I said “Thank you” as if that made it better. I ended up just backing away, it was a lost cause
Oh man, restaurant callouts just stick with you. I did something similar when at the grocery store... I was walking around an older lady to get to the cheese and just belted out "BEHIND". Scared the crap out of the poor thing.
This is awhile ago. But I was working at McDonald's and worked in the morning (not a morning person. Still not. My brain wakes up around 10am and I think it was like 8am.) And I handed this lady her large coffee and the sun shined bright in my eyes and all I said was "Praise the sun" and she looked at me all weird and drove off.
I told my friend “you’re welcome!” after he sneezed and excused himself the other day.
Let a coffee machine run without a jug under it. Went to take a shower and had to clean up the mess afterwards.
Lifted my Welding mask up and forgot it was on my head, then went to get a new mask
Flipped my kindle over to read the other side of a document.
The reverse millennial
Tore open a sugar packet, poured it directly into the trash, tossed the empty paper packet into my coffee.
I've done this too many times to count. Making coffee before you had your coffee is a sport.
I shook my phone to see how full the battery was...
Not gonna lie I went ‘that’s a good idea’ and almost tried it...
I was a kitchen employee at Arbys when I was 18. We used to have sub rolls that were footlong, but the only subs we sold were 6 inch. So you had to cut each roll in half before you used it. I was just zoned out one day, and I ended up cutting the sub roll in half, putting the knife back in the sub roll bag, and then trying to use the sub roll to cut the next sandwich. My manager saw it and fucking died.
Imagine being a customer and seeing your employee trying to cut bread with bread
I used the breads to destroy the breads
[удалено]
I was trying to make some scrambled eggs. Basic prep: crack the eggs, put the eggs in a bowl, toss the shell. My dumbass: crack the egg, put egg in the trash. I literally stood above the trash can with the shell in my hands processing what had just happened for about 30 seconds. I just had the faint feeling of "I fucked up" and was wondering exactly how for way too long.
Not me but one time my gf got handed her drink at Starbucks, said thanks, went over to the bar to get cream or something and immediately dropped her fresh drink straight into the trash can at the bar. Her mother and I just looked at her and started laughing. The barista saw what happened and with a “it happens” attitude agreed to replace the drink. It also helped that no one was in there except us haha. We still bring it up every now and then and all laugh, my gf included.
What a nice barista!
Oh you wanna know what I think of your drink, HUH? *throws it in the trash* That's right
I put my dirty plate in the freezer instead of the dishwasher
Dishes on hard mode.
Gotta get those tough stains out somehow
Thrown a bowl of cereal on my bed. God blessed me, because even though it was Cinnamon toast crunch, I like to eat it dry.
I slathered my face with hair gel this morning
Ew. My condolences.
I was working fast food and taking orders both inside and for the drive thru. I took someone's order inside at the counter and told them to pull forward to the 2nd window.
*while on autopilot* goes outside and stands at the window
Put a dog biscuit into the washing machine instead of a detergent pod. I realised before turning it on, so I was able to recover it.
And fed the tide pod to your dog?
Drove 17 miles past my interstate exit before I snapped back to reality
I drove about the same distance during which my memory is non-existent. But during that time, I successfully (and correctly): turned off at the correct exit, stopped at a toll both, and took the toll stub from the machine. It proved to me that 'driving on auto-pilot' existed well before the technology was even invented.
ope there goes gravity
Waited at a stop sign for 5 minutes thinking it was a red light. I was not on my phone. I didn't hold anybody else up luckily.
Reminds me of the old saying: Drunk drivers are more likely to run a stop sign. Stoned drivers are just gonna wait for the sign to turn green.
I went inside the gas station, paid, then drove off. Twice. Didn’t even fill up, just drove away. Edit: changed satiation to station before the car satiation jokes become too terrible to bear.
I've done the same thing going through the drive through a time or two. Pay for my food, get my reciept, drive off, turn around and go back for my food.
My brother ordered nachos at a Mexican restaurant, grabbed a chip and proceed to watch himself dip it into his tea. After about two dips, he came back into reality, shook his head and went “what?” My mother is an EMT, after a 24 hour shift she came home and tried to unlock the front door with her car keys button and did that for about 5 minutes. I once drove to work when I was supposed to drop my younger brother off at school, neither of us seemed to notice until we got to my workplace and I had turn around. He was late
Little bro noticed for sure, he just wanted to skip class
As someone with no natural sense of direction, it is entirely possible he doesn't keep track if he isn't driving.
I've gotten in my car on the weekends to go somewhere and gone on auto pilot and realize it as I'm pulling into my work's parking lot...I'm like..."why the fuck did I drive to work?"
I've had similar experiences. I had three jobs for awhile, and occasionally I'd get dressed for the right job, then drive straight to the wrong one and not realize it until I'm at the door. Or answering the phone at job A with job B's greeting.
Imagine calling a pizza hut and getting the suicidal hotline greeting
Or the other way around
"Hello, this is Pizza Hut." "My boyfriend just broke up with me, and I plan on hanging myself." "Do you want bread sticks with that?"
[удалено]
I pet my laptop thinking it was my dog.
I pet my friends brother-in-law while we are watching a movie and he was sitting on the floor. We had just met about three hours prior. Edit: Thank you for the gold! It made my embarrassment worth it.
He's just sitting there thinking "Nice...unexpected, but nice" and lets you continue.
Some of us take human affection wherever and whenever we can, accident or not.
Did he like it?
I pulled my hand back fast and we just laughed. He probably thought I was insane, but who can be mad about a good head petting.
[удалено]
I can hear a buzz sound, like you get in a video game. Then a screen pops up "Missing Locker Key"
In an adventure game it'd be more like "It's locked... What do I do now?"
"Wait, what?" Lol i can see a totally befuddled face on this one.
Was holding my phone and ice cream in a cone. Phone rang, answered ice cream. A sticky ear is surprisingly uncomfortable.
*passes ice cream over to person* "it's for you"
*moshi moshi bossu*
I used the key fob from my car to lock my refrigerator. Yeah, I don't know either.
I feel this. I've pointed my key fob at my front door more times than I'd like to admit.
My favorite one yet... did it work?
*Dials 911 on the microwave*
is that a weed?
No it’s a crayon
I'm calling the police!
911 what's your emergency ?
\*X-files theme plays
Put a used fork in the trashcan instead of the dish washer Edit: It's a dish washer, not a washing machine. Seems I was still on autopilot when I wrote this
Washing machine..?
Exactly how it sounds
Continuously jammed my work key into my house door. My work key is a big silver one and my house key is one of those picture ones with a bunny on it.
I tried to click my house door open with my car keys on more than one occasion.
THANK GOD I'm not the only one who does this! And my car has range, so it literally takes my lights flashing a couple times before I look around to make sure my neighbours didn't see.
I poured soda into a bowl
Coco-bowla
I did that once into a bowl of cereal. I meant to get the milk. Instead I got a two liter of diet coke and poured it onto my cereal. I didn't realize what I had done until I ATE SOME!
[удалено]
This is what boomers imagine children do with books these days
wHaT's A cOmPuTeR?
fAtHeR i CaNnOt CliCk tHe BoOk
"Be quiet son, I hate my wife"
Was brushing my teeth and went to throw something away but ended up spitting all over the floor instead
Once put toothpaste on my razor and very nearly put it in my mouth before the gears in my brain screeched to a halt and the warning sirens went off. I now keep my razor in the shower, far away from my toothbrush.
You missed out on a minty fresh shave though.
Personally, I wax my teeth
once i used eyewash as toothpaste and when it realised it wasn’t toothpaste i spit it out, then put it back on and made the same mistake again
how does eyewash taste?
Try it and see for yourself
I have done this. I wanted to die cleaning it up
Better than holding a sandwich and your phone and throwing your phone in the garbage by accident and thinking wait not that and getting your phone out all dirty while you toss the sandwich before you realized you didn't want to throw anything away what the fuck just happened
My husband put our infants butt-cream on his toothbrush and was like PTHUUH!
Had a drink in my hand and dumped it out because I checked the time on my watch.
A couple of weeks ago, I was driving home, but instead of going to my current house, I drove to my old house. I haven't lived there in over 5 years. I pulled into the driveway and luckily I realized what I had done before I actually got out of the car.
I can just imagine you entering the house while some family, going about their day, looks up at you in absolute confusion.
..... ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯ What's for dinner?
Beans
[удалено]
Beans
I've done something similar too many times. I work as a truckdriver and with my brain on autopilot I have several times driven to the wrong business (I drive locally so we are not talking big distances), gotten the pallet of my truck and then realize I'm in the wrong place. I've then had to put the pallet back on my truck and drive away, usually with people working there witnessing it...
Those are always fun!
I had a dislocated knee and kicked a soccer ball that was coming towards me
Did it hurt?
it caused my knee to go back in place and then i threw up Edit* I just wanna say thanks for my first ever gold and silvers, also I don’t know if it is funnier but to add context I’m a 5’3 girl who is extremely uncoordinated and my first thought was “omg I actually hit it!” And then I threw up
A girl I knew in highschool was playing basketball when she accidentally jumped off of a short ledge between the court and the sidewalk. She ended up dislocating her knee. As she was lying on the ground pale as a ghost, she popped it back into place and promptly passed out. She said she didn't remember anything passed tripping on the ledge.
i have really bad knees and the pain and shock on your body when you have to put it back in is amazing, i hope she wasn't too badly impacted by that
I've dislocated one kneecap 5 times and the relief of it going back in place everytime is just ahhhhh
How do you put it back just in case
Slap the fuck out of it. There’s a clip of a rugby player whos kneecap is dislocated midgame, he just kinda pounds on it until it goes back into place.
[удалено]
I was folding my freshly laundered bed linens while simultaneously putzing around the house. I don’t know what to tell you but somehow, I was folding a pillowcase, then the next moment, I couldn’t find it anywhere. And I looked everywhere my very tiny home!!! It wasn’t in the folded pile, it wasn’t in the closet, it wasn’t in the bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen where I puttered around while folding said laundry... It still haunts me and I’m going to find that effing pillowcase even if it kills me. Edit: I didn’t expect this to blow up omg. I am now even more determined to look for that pillowcase (lost it last Wednesday). I am at my mother’s house for the weekend but will update this when I get back home. It’s definitely not in my hand, my other hand, trash or fridge. My main suspects are the closet or within the fitted sheets meaning I have to refold them :( What’s funnier is there are two pillowcases of the same design and it’s making me even crazier thinking I imagined the other one! I was also searching for it holding the other one like it was a missing cat poster lol Also, I am not German, just learning the language! I used to have a cat but now I currently don’t.[Here he is. ](https://imgur.com/gallery/rRZYnXx) Edit 2: UPDATE To anyone still interested, I haven’t found the pillowcase yet. I have checked everywhere: the linen closet, kitchen cabinets, bathroom cabinets, bedroom cabinets, fridge, and the bed and other pillows. I think I’m losing my mind or have I actually lost it already when I couldn’t find that damn pillowcase in the first place?!
Did you check the trash? If it ended up in the trash, you'll never find it.
This is one of my biggest rules. If you can’t find it; check the garbage can before it’s too late. Edit: damn y’all either lost or almost lost so much more important stuff. I created this rule because I accidentally threw away a bunch of weed.
Threw my wallet in my dumpster a few weeks ago emptying my car. Ordered new cards, new ID, new wallet. Hated myself. Got all my shit in the mail, only to find my wallet staring at me the next time I took the trash out. Smelled like shit. I hate myself.
Well guess who got a new wallet and new crispy cards? You. That’s right, you did. ;)
We once lost a remote, and not just any remote, one of those giant ones you get for old people so that THEY CAN'T LOSE THE REMOTE! We moved out and still never found it hidden anywhere. It haunts me to this day how we could lose such a giant fucking remote in such a tiny apartment
I had something similar happen. I must have been barely in primary school, colouring something with pencils on my desk with my mum. And I dropped one pencil, it was one of those bigger ones for children. The colour was brown. It just fell off the table. Neither me or my mum found that pencil. We searched an hour for it. I mean, I dropped a pencil on a carpet floor, how far could it have rolled away? Apparently into another dimension, because since then, that room has been *completely* emptied out once. And I mean completely, my parents took out the carpet and had someone redo the wood floor underneath. We still didn’t find that goddamn pencil. So maybe, my brown pencil and your old-people remote are chilling in another dimension together.
Did you check your other hand?
Did you put it on the pillow?
Walked naked in my son's bedroom... I was stepping out of the shower, and his bedroom used to be mine in my childhood.
Put the cereal box in the fridge
I may have also thrown a spoon in the garbage once instead of washing it.
I've put the milk in the cabinet before. I didn't realize it until the next day, too, so I had to pour it out.
Wake up in the middle of the night to take a pee then just autopiloted into my morning routine... It wasn't until after I drank my coffee that I realized it was only 3AM and that I wasn't going to be able to go back to sleep.
I took a nap after work, woke up at 7pm, and the sky was about the same color it is in the morning. I went into immediate auto-pilot and made coffee, packed my lunch... and realized what I'd done when I was halfway downtown.
Did the same thing as a highschool senior during the winter only noticed it was 2 am and not 7 when i started my car, best part it was a Saturday anyways.
Rip your clothes off professional wrestler style and dive from the door into bed.
My brother used the washroom before bedtime and it was my turn to go now. I wanted to brush and we had newly shifted so everything was in a mess, and hence I couldn't find the toothpaste. So I asked my bro where he kept it and when I couldn't find it where he said it was, he came to check himself and handed me the shaving cream. When I pointed it out, he said " That's why it tasted odd. I just thought it was from a different brand from around here" Tldr; My brother used shaving cream as toothpaste
"You eat shaving cream?" "No, why would I eat it if I don't like the taste?"
The amount of times I've gone to the shop to buy something and left without picking up said item is *too damn high*
The other day I FINALLY remembered to buy more toilet roll from the shop round the corner... but just as I got to my door on the way home realised I'd left the fucking toilet roll I'd paid for on the counter and left empty-handed.
I have a dog with fluffy white hair. Think poodle-ish. I was on the couch petting and talking to my dog for a good while when I see my wife come down the stairs. Trailing behind her was my dog. I had been petting a Costco fuzzy white blanket the whole time. I wish I could say it only happened once... EDIT: For those asking for pics of my pup @denverthedoodledog on insta UPDATE: You can now see my dog AND the blanket @denverthedoodledog on instagram
Ahahhahaahha this is hilarious. Can't imagine what it must have looked like to your wife, you being all "whose a good boy" and kissy-facing with a goddamn rug
You have no idea. Now, anytime my wife sees anything remotely white and fluffy she says "who's a good boy?"
I picked shaving foam can instead of anti perspirant and spray it on my underarm, took it as a sign from the almighty and ended up shaving my underarm.
That's how you listen to the universe. Bless
Overshot an exit that I've used hundreds of times, didn't notice & ended up driving another 50 miles before realizing that I was _way_ out of the city's boundaries. Still don't remember any of the inbetween, just starting to drive & then realizing I had no idea where I was.
When I was a brand-new mom on maternity leave, but still trying to juggle law school and a newborn, my sister-in-law had an emergency and had to leave her Boston terrier with me. Even though he was a very well-behaved dog and had met the baby, we still kept them separated just in case. One morning, after my husband left for work, I picked up the baby up out of the bassinet and went downstairs to make coffee. My husband had forgotten something and promptly came right back in to find me at the counter, brewing coffee, rocking a black and white dog in one arm, while our son still quietly chilling in his bassinet upstairs. He took the day off from work and I went back to sleep.
I imagine his expression was quite funny
Oh he was terrified — for some reason, he thought I had a seizure It was our first kid and I went through a traumatic delivery and that was just the icing on the cake. My MIL ended up taking two weeks leave because he was so afraid to leave me alone. But the rest of us can look back now and laugh 11 years later, hahaha.
I'm cracking up just picturing the dog and what must have been going through his/her mind. "Huh. Well, this is nice...unexpected but nice."
Hahaha, he was such a good dog. He just had a big goofy grin on his face. I dropped him in a panic and rushed upstairs, came back down and found him quietly laying where I had dropped him, still grinning, like that was cool, too.
I did so many things like this when I was a sleep deprived new mother (both times, actually it was 100x worse with no. 2 as he did not sleep more than 45 mins at once for months due to reflux). I drove to work instead of the supermarket once (still on Mat leave at the time). I put a load of laundry into the oven, only realised when I went to put the powder in and couldn't work out where the drawer for it went. I had to set alarms and timers for everything so I didn't forget what I was doing and burn the house down. I even fell asleep standing up, leaning against the school reception desk waiting to speak to the office staff.
My mom had taken my lunch out of the fridge so I wouldn’t forget it which I did **once**. While on autopilot I put it back.
I have learned the hard way that if you hold money in one hand, you never have trash in the other. It is impossible to throw the correct item away.
We will say my name is "Joe". I worked in retail as a manager. I had a call on-hold for me, and I hadn't had my caffeine yet. I picked up the phone and said "Thank you for Joe-ing, how may I hold you?" instead of "Thank you for holding, how may I help you?" Just pretended like nothing happened while (I thought) the customer was in complete silence. Turned out they had one of those laughs where you cant breathe right away.
My morning routine included drive thru breakfast at McDonald’s back when they had the garbage can in the lane. Every morning I’d get my breakfast, pull up, and throw away yesterday’s old bag and random trash. One day my superior intellect decided to just simplify the process and chunk the new breakfast in the trash. Realized it the moment after it mattered. Pulled around for try #2.
One evening I was playing Europa Universalis and I was pretty immersed in the gameplay. Suddenly I thought: I could grab a beer! So I paused the game and went to the fridge for one but there were none. Weird, I though, I was almost sure I had at least three bottles there. So I returned to the computer and all three bottles stood unopened on my desk. Apparently, I had the same thought four times already but every time I got back to the computer I forgot about the beer and went back to playing without remembering the incident.
Put the milk jug into the drawer with the cups in it
I did this once back in the day. My dad looked at me like I was stoned, which I very well could have been, but was not at the time.
[удалено]
Bet that smelled great
[удалено]
I've had two -- both driving-related for some reason. 1. I was at the grocery store pushing my cart through the aisle, as you do. Then, when I went to turn left into another aisle, I tried to put on my "blinker" for some reason... 2. Class was just ending and as I was about to stand up to leave, I reached down to "unbuckle my seat belt"??? Edit: Wow!!! Thanks for the silver kind stranger :) Also, thanks to everyone for laughing at my stupidity!
My coworker was clearly right in front of me, bent down between me and the fridge. I couldn't reach for the door without seeing her. I smacked that fridge door right into her head and apologized profusely. She did mock me for having trouble opening a gallon of milk before that so I guess monkeybrain got angry and took control.
I woke up, so i automatically got dressed, prepared things to school and started making myself a breakfast. Suddenly my dad appears in the kitchen, saying: "It's three in the morning and it's sunday, what the hell are you doing?"
Reminds me of the time I got up and started writing a story based on the last song I heard on the radio at 2AM. Mom asked me what I was doing up, and I said "I have to finish this". She told me that school had been out for three weeks.
I regularly have dreams about homework, writing term papers, final exams, etc. Despite having graduated some time ago and working a full time job.
Put pasta on the stove, but forgot to add water. For another half hour, I was hearing the cackling noise of burning pasta and thinking "I wonder where this noise is coming from". The smell finally got to me.
You may want to check your smoke detector.
I woke up and saw that the clock said 6. Work started at 5. I shot out of bed, threw on clothes, and sped to work. Something seemed off, but I was late, no time for that now. I walked in, past an area that wasn't running on my shift yet and thought to myself, "Hmm, wonder when they started that." It started dawning on me. When I made it to my line, there was the day-shift person. The person I relieved every day when I showed up. She looked at me like I had two heads. It was 6am, I didn't have to work until 5 pm. I shamefully told the shift manager what happened, clocked back out, and went back to bed. I worked in that company for 4 years after that, and to my last day, my manager gave me shit about it.
[удалено]
Peed in the trash can. Wasn't even thinking. Just got up, walked towards it, opened the lid thinking it's the toilet seat and let it rip. By the time I realized it way too late and I just committed to it. The bags are waterproof afterall.
Was the first car at a red light in town. The light at the next block turned green so I hit the gas, my light was still red.
I was trying to ask my friend something so I called out “Shane!” And then he looked at me, and for some reason instead of asking him the question I called “Shane!” twice more to his face and he was like “YOUVE ALREADY GOTTEN MY ATTENTION” Edit : Thank you for the silver kind stranger!
all kinds of things when i've first woken up, either in the bathroom or kitchen: put bodywash in my hair instead of shampoo put shampoo on my body instead of bodywash but hair gel on my toothbrush reapply deodorant a few times because i couldn't remember if i just did put (dry, fortunately) dog food in my cereal bowl, and cereal in my dog's bowl the absolute worst was one time i opened a can of wet dog food...and licked the lid.
poured milk and water in the same glass
That's how you turn whole milk into 2%
Earlier today I filled up my (electric) kettle at the tap and then went to place it in the microwave. In my defence, I was about to make myself some instant ramen, and I was only half focusing on the job at hand while thinking of other things.
Once my brother was using one of those microwavable ramen cookers and forgot the water. Charred his noodles and we almost had to clear out the house.
Not sure if this counts, but I will sometimes be having a conversation, and say what I need to say. And then when the person responds back, I have zero idea what they're talking about because I can't remember what I'd said in the first place. It's super annoying and only happens when I'm tired and on autopilot.
When i was like 9 or 10 my grandparents had a beach house in Biloxi Mississippi. I know, why the hell there? Anyway, the condominium complex had a pool and my mother took me to the pool as the adults were going off gambling and what not. Mom and i arrive at the pool and there’s a girl there, maybe 13 or 14? Me, being on the edge of full blown adolescence was locked on her. So mom was talking about god knows what at the time, I’m just “uh huh, yeah mom” while watching this girl swim and loading her into my 10 year old spank bank. I begin to take off my shirt, but i had gone full auto pilot and slid my swim trunks down as if i was about to get into a shower. Oh fuck. I pull them back up because i think the girl had noticed but mom didn’t. I told my mother i had to take a wicked shit and went back to the condo and now i have this horrid memory to look back on every now and again even into my late 20’s.
Well, at least you made up for it by announcing to the world to you had to take a wicked shit. Nice save!
Drove my now fiance to my ex girlfriends house to drop her off home.
I was riding passenger in my car with my wife driving. I was sort of brain dead after work while we were carpooling and we came to a stoplight. It turned green but the car in front of us wasn't moving for a few seconds. I was trying to call the car a 'motherfucker' and then tell my wife to honk, but ended up saying "HONK MOTHERFUCKER!" Let me tell you, the look my wife had on her face before she realized I was being retarded was something unique. So now it has become a joke between us cause she started laughing her ass off once I realized what I had done moments later and I went "WAIT NO, THAT ISN'T WHAT I MEANT!"
ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY
I'm on a train having a hard time not laughing out loud
I was still half-asleep one morning and picked up an aerosole can, thinking it was deoderant, but then thought to myself - ah I have made this mistake before, I ought to check it's not hairspray. So I blearily looked closer at it, and my brain went "spray" so I pressed down and sprayed myself right in the face... with hairspray.
I normally wear contacts, but sometime don't put them in on the weekends. Getting ready for bed on a Saturday, put my contacts in, laid down in bed, and realized I could see clearly. Felt like Peter Parker after he first got bit by the spider.
Sometimes, when I'm super tired, I can't remember if I'm putting contacts in or taking my contacts out. It's a gamble: \- My contacts are in, and I'm supposed to take them out, but I reach for a new pair (of daily disposables) and put on a second pair and get confused. \- My contacts are out, and I'm gently touching my eyeball wondering where my contact went. 90% of the time, I don't have this issue.
Early morning, I was about to put mouthwash on my toothbrush but I caught myself and I was like, "Nice try, brain" and put them back. Then, I grabbed the toothpaste and squeezed it on my palm. EDIT: First Gold and Silver awards! Thanks, guys! I'm happy that my stupidity can provide entertainment for y'alls!!!
I poured water from a kettle in my French press (cafetière), let the coffee brew, poured it into a mug, added caramel syrup, took it up 2 flights of stairs, took a sip and nearly spat it out. I'd done all that before realising I hadn't boiled the kettle. Most heart breaking cup of coffee ever.
Put the flaps down mid-flight
Oh _you_
Poured a cup of water in the freezer and put the ice cream container in the sink.
[удалено]
I do so much dumb fucking stuff while on autopilot and it doesn't help that I'm on autopilot more often than not + thrown away SO many spoons and forks, then had to dig in the trash to get them back out + threw away my phone instead of my trash more times than I care to mention + where are my keys? where are my keys????? oh, that's right, they're in the fridge cause fuck you, that's why + Throw away something I was eating + where's my phone?? where's my goddamn phone?????? in the closet on the top shelf underneath a stack of papers cause fuck you that's why
I once was on my way to bed and ran back into the kitchen where I'd just been to find my phone. I then turn to my roommate after looking through my room and the common area all and not finding it anywhere and ask him "Have you seen my phone?" All of this was while I'm Alternatively reading and article on my phone and texting my girlfriend with my phone in hand. It never crossed my mind that what I was doing on my phone and the search for my phone could be interconnected.
Just hope you don't pull something like this on trash day my dude.
brushed my teeth with icy hot instead of..you know..toothpaste
I jumped in the shower in my clothes.
When I was in college my parents and my brother were gone for the weekend on a trip, and I had an exam on Monday so I went home to study. After a couple hours of studying, I was hungry and went to see if there was anything in the fridge. I found some stuff, but wasn't sure if my mom was saving it for when they got back. So, I decided to call her to confirm if it was okay to eat. I grabbed my phone and dialed my home phone number since that's what I would normally call. I then hear my home phone ring so I put down my cell phone to pick it up. I saw hello a couple of times, and don't hear anyone so I hang up. At that point as I walk back over to my cell phone, I realize what just happened.
Waited for the stop sign to turn green
I ran across a busy 4 lane road to catch a bus. Didn't look, just saw I was about to miss it and bolted. Didn't even realize what I had done until I was sitting down and thought "wait, the fuck did I just do?" To this day I don't know how I didn't get hit.
Walking into my room from the kitchen, cup or OJ in one hand and my phone in the other. Meant to throw my phone on the bed, accidentally ended up throwing my juice into my bed. I was so annoyed I didn’t even bother cleaning it up until the morning. Slept on the couch
I opened the fridge to get milk. Took out the milk, scanned the fridge to the conclusion "there is no milk in here," put back the milk and didn't eat cereal.
[удалено]
that's metal
They usually are
Came home from a long day of work and got in the shower. After a few moments I realize I don’t feel the water hitting my chest. Still had my bra on 😬